Yea Yea I know - Back Again [Archive] - Anxiety Forum - A Home for Those with Anxiety, Fear, or Panic Attacks

Ponder

04-09-2021, 04:50 AM

Glad your enjoying the photos Camille. Appreciate the encouragement as well. TY. I had a day off the camera today and started catching up on yard work instead. I changed the knobby tires on my mountain bike to what are called slicks in order to peddle a little easier on the road. During that process I put knocked some of the rear index gearing out of alignment and have to learn how to fix it. That said I can still drive to a location later in the day to take a photo or two. I could even walk to be honest. I'd much rather fix my bike though. It certainly rides much faster on the road since changing out the tires to slicks.

I responded in your new thread re difficulty conversing with others. I do struggle at times myself. I hope my response was useful. That said we all have our own ways of dealing with things I guess. Here's to improving in those areas that make life just that little bit easier.

Here we go ... I share these ones I took the other day. (snap shots from my phone) They are not down by the beach or out in public, but they are outside in my garden and back patio. I took these to share with my friends and family.

This is Gold Stripe Bamboo otherwise known as multiplex Bamboo. Apparently its great for pots however if you want it to grow a decent height it needs to be in a large pot. I just repotted from a 30cm pot into a 50cm pot. I plan to grown another six of these bamboo plants in similar pots / most likely end up in terracotta - and then put them along the edge of my rear patio. For now I am Sunning this one to spur along it's growth. It's got a long way to go. I can see I will have to clean up some of those oranges. That little tree is also off to a good start. When I moved in everything was overgrown. Took me a lot of cutting back as well as thinning out to get the place up to scratch. Sugar Cane Mulch also works wonders.
https://i.ibb.co/c8skmS3/Gold-Stripe-Bamboo.jpg

This shows the pot a little better. I only just got the bamboo a few months ago. It was rootbound when I transferred it from the 30cm pot. Originally I bought it in something like a 15 to 20cm pot before putting into 30cm one. It has only grown a little taller but has definitely multiplied with additional shoots since then. I'm hoping it at least doubles in size by end of next summer. We are only just going into autumn now.
https://i.ibb.co/yn5Gh24/50cm-Pot.jpg

The plants are called Song of India. I just used long handled secateurs to cut of several stems and put them into small pots without any growing powder. They did pretty well on their own with me just keeping up the water and liquid fettler over a few months. Whilst transplanting the bamboo I put these into 30cm pots (the size the bamboo was in) The larger Song of India plant up the back is in a 40cm Pot. The others in the 30ish cm terracotta pots is a gardenia shrub and summer shrub of some kind. Both of those will be repotted at the end of this upcoming winter. Just picked a heap of passion fruit also off the vine. I would of done the vine differently, but happy there is one here at any rate. The place we moved into is very close to the other houses but I do like that our new place is larger. That's been good.
https://i.ibb.co/ypY6kX1/Love-of-india-plant.jpg

Some of these plants I have had for years - Since moving into the new house they are doing much better since I put them into these wooden plant troughs. I just filled those up with a good potting mix with some fly screen below to help hold in the mix yet also allow for draining. There is new growth just coming up in the middle in the foreground planter box.
https://i.ibb.co/h14H2bk/Some-house-plants-outside-my-bedroom-window.jpg

Off to bed - feeling tired from the yard work today. Hope you guys have a good day / evening. It's been good that I have been sleeping before 10pm of late.

Ponder

04-11-2021, 02:28 AM

Todays Photo:
https://i.ibb.co/t2P8TM0/the-Beach-Laughter-portrait.jpg

Have a nice day.

Ponder

04-11-2021, 03:31 PM

Good morning world. So far so good with no moaning and groaning. I can't say it's not going to happen but thus far I have done well to ride with the pain. Point and Case to Acceptance. I know how it is that the latter is more often than not viewed as a case of allowing one self to be imprisoned. That being in reference to the more accepted take on giving in. It does not have to be that way. Similar principles can be adopted as a way to letting go in order to win. Yet in the light of burning desire, when knees begin to buckle there is a presence that instills a sense albeit fleeting, of how peace of mind can be obtained through the act of no resistance. Worth noting this comes from a guy who has been fighting all his life. Which of us has truly not? It's all in the language we choose to use and the tone in which we allow ourselves to sit. The conflicting words here being Choice & Control. That still not being enough when knowing I still have such abilities in my lowest of lows. Yet despite those fleeting insights I tend towards that predisposition that's been conditioned through whatever means. The insanity that comes from resistance is forever binding to say the least yet spun so tantalizing. That which savours addiction to pain and suffering living off delusions of comfort. It is for this reason I've endured long bouts of sustaining myself in a sea of quick fixes offered up in fanciful stories that thrives off feted emotion. It is no wonder regardless of obtaining whatever that we continue to overindulge. Yet pain and suffering does have a limit. I currently sit on the outer limits choosing my words carefully seeking that fleeting presence that I have known to instill peace. Freedom from impulse to say the least. I wonder if I have betrayed myself in my attempt to express as much?

Have a good day / evening guys.

------ When all else fails - head for the sea & don't look back ------
https://i.ibb.co/hYYtBKG/By-The-Ocean-2.jpg

Ponder

04-11-2021, 11:47 PM

It's assessment time again. When being subsidized such warranting never ends. At any rate I though this would be a relevant share in an anxiety forum such as this. You don't have to have ASD or ADHD or whatever ... Anyone can just struggle with Traumatic Recall without even being diagnosed with PTSD. These revelations in my own case are more to clarify and or validate both the 'Chronic' & 'Complex' nature of my PTSD diagnosis. So fixated on the upscaling my previous Diagnosis of Mild to Levle 2 ASD and also the finalization of ADHD which now hit's my list of condition among Social Anxiety disorder and said chronic complex PTSD (one moment whilst I chuckle like the joker) ... I had completely forgotten to bring up the issues and impact of Life long PTSD Flashbacks. I share that now whilst I am still currently under the ever-present microscope of our wonderful health services.
__________________________________________________ ________

Dear 'therapist' Some Note's for your consideration when making additions/amendments to the category of Chronic Complex PTSD against a background of a prejudicial traumatic childhood ...

· PTSD Flashbacks still Present:
Yes – PTSD Flash Backs are something that I have had to deal with for most of my life and still very much present today. In fact, they are as fresh as the Road Rage incident that took place last year. Whilst the most recent event did trigger pasts events in a cascading effect and despite a major regression which I am just now improving with my weekly therapy sessions, I have come to accept that I will never overcome my PTSD flashbacks but are simply doing my best to accept them. The best I can do is learn how these flashbacks come to the surface and avoid the situations that trigger them. For those circumstance I am unable to avoid the next step is learning how to sit in my discomfort.

· The Vividness of Events:
I always find myself surprised at how fresh these events seem to be. It as if it was like yesterday and the very same traumatic emotions that took place at the time are happening all over again.

· What Triggers the PTSD Flashbacks

*EXCERSISE
Returning to Exercise after having a long break can result in what I refer to as exercise rages. I experience this often on the treadmill. As traumatic as this can be, I generally push myself to complete my exercise knowing it will get better the less stressful my exercise becomes. I only note this because over the decades those PTSD Flashbacks are always there with the same intensity and is something, I am doing my best to accept.

*ENVIROMENTAL STRESSES
When I am feeling overwhelmed in general, my health running low, not enough sleep, disruption in my outdoor exposure and or general routine I often find myself prone to reliving PTSD flashbacks which massively impact me.

· IMAPACT of PTSD Flashbacks
They are extremely draining. Recently after moving house I experienced some PTSD Flashbacks but thought nothing of them because they have become frequent during such times of stress. I know it may not make sense that I would disregard such traumatic events but with my failing memory I am quick to forget and often wonder why it is that I am feeling so drained. I had to make a doctor visit after moving house because for weeks after I was experience sever fatigue symptoms where I found myself sleeping in the middle of the day … day after day. The problem was I was feeling more sickly from fatigue the more I tried to rest. I eventually put it down to over sensory issues and had to admit to bouts of PTSD Flashbacks even though I try to disregard them. (The **** personal support person) can vouch for this extreme tiredness as I exclaimed to him something was wrong with me although I could not fathom why so for so many weeks.

I would also point out that when I first met the now therapist (****) that I was also quite fatigued. It happens quite a lot to me when ever I go through periods of PTSD Flashbacks.

Duration of PTDS Flashbacks. During bouts where I struggle with the episodic nature of my diagnosed conditions and symptoms, I can go up to 3 Days of unregulated intense emotions from rage to despairingly isolation. It is during these times I end up with extreme fatigue for up to two weeks in which my cognitive ability is extremely reduced. Whilst this does not happen all the time and can be said to be less frequent when supported, it is during times I am unsupported and or self-isolated that these bouts take place.

In summery With so much focus on the ASD and now ADHD – it is easy for forget about such things. It was during today’s session that this facet came to light and reason why I am now writing about it. With the review coming up it only makes sense to bring this dynamic into the picture under the PTSD section of my reports. My forgetfulness is a major contributor with so much going on as to why I have also not brought this up.
______________________________
End of transmission:

I am sure despite whatever labels, many people can relate to the impact of such reliving of events. For me they never grow old. Comes down to that acceptance I mentioned in previous post. Just when we think we have let go - BOOM ... there it is again ... plain as the day we lived it. Yet - the only way I can get through those days it to again accept these painful experiences pains of living. Whilst I can't say I have been diagnosed with cancer, I tell myself it equates to the same thing and that in time with stats being the way they are that it's best to accept things could be worse. I will always have these PTSD Flashbacks ... is just part and parcel to the degree with which I have been DXed. Hopefully these reviews will easy up so that in the end I am less identified with said labels. That's the beauty of disidentification. Alas I will pull up short of that. God forbid I start to improve.

Laughs again like the joker.

Until later ... Take Care Folks.

Ponder

04-13-2021, 05:12 AM

BOAT WATCHING BY THE BAY:

Zoomed in to 70mm which imo represents on this little compact about your average human FOV. Some say that is more like 30-35mm however this is about how far the boat really looked from my point of view. It was a relaxing sit and again I was with my support person. It's coming into the cooler time of the year although way too brief for my liking. It way too how and humid here however the temps are more evenly spread which is good for my wife's MS. I'll enjoy the next two months before things start to slowly warm up again.

https://i.ibb.co/Z6jwP0x/Boat-Watching-By-The-Bay.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/F83qF6f/Boat-Watching.jpg

Please forgive my weighty posts of late. It can be rather stressful during the assessment times. Always with the retelling. That said, with each rerun I never really express it the same way. Like the details are as repetitive as the flashbacks themselves, but the essence derived from mindful recall carries a different antidote each time. It has to be that way to play the game this world requires. Lest I really do go completely insane.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Whilst this process is going on I am going to share another email after many hours of no sleep. My support worker was very supportive siting with me today as I wrote the following. Basically I felt I did not adequately respond to a question during my previous therapist visit. That said, they are relaxed visits at my house. I kind of go on more about the PTSD but then get routed on the topic of homelessness. This one I know very well. I cut and paste that email now:
_________________

Ponder

04-13-2021, 05:12 AM

cont ... from above:
________________________

Hi *****, Before I forget:

After talking with ***** this morning (could not sleep was up till 2am and rode my bike a 5am) I have a couple more notes to add to my last regarding PTSD Flashbacks: I know some of it might sound repeated, however I feel you should keep and consider the additional bits. I'm hoping to define and or touch on some of the more difficult areas where diagnoses overlap ... more so in the closing comments:

PTSD Flashbacks = YES - Regularity = Yes / Impact still extreme but less often Yet Disabling = a work in progress / life long / complex

Another reason I have or do not talk about this aspect much is because of how shameful it can be. That is to say I do not like the person I become when I have these PTSD Flashbacks at the intensity in which they come. I find it extremely hard to deal with because I see myself as a naturally compassionate person. Given that Violence begets Violence - I often feel very shamed at the end of the bouts that go on in my head. The difference between when I had no support and that being a period where police intervention was required to now with support and now no police intervention required - Yet I must note that the difference in impact that takes place (still does) in my head with the PTSD Flashbacks remains unchanged. This raises the question of why have I not talked as much about this dynamic of suffering.

Long story short - is because as well as being embarrassed about it ... this suffering ranks the highest out of all my conditions. Think of it in terms of the pinnacle after being triggered. I agree and admit I have been skirting this topic. I know well how explosive it can make me feel inside my head and I feel this is where I am feel I was misunderstood by the previous therapist where she chose to use a word in her report with little to no context; that being 'aggressive'. I am not. I have the potential to be, but at heart know I am not and in fact as previously said - 'this knowing' is a huge conflict that brings me much shame when I suffer these bouts of PTSD Flash backs that I feel have been programmed into me where once the process of these traumatic recalls take place - I feel as if I have no control. The best I can do is ride them out and this can take up to three days before it settles down where I fall into bouts of extreme fatigue that can last up to two weeks.
_________________

Overlapping of Diagnoses.

Herein lay the hard task for you. Sprry ... I don't envy this task. The best I can say for sure is that whatever attributed traits of ASD, let's say attachments/detachment and Impulsive issues to name a few - yet those issues just as well spawn against a background of a prejudicial traumatic childhood - Lets just contrast it with rejection. Rather than define which came first ... the chicken or the egg ... I think is more important to relate the characteristics of all proposed findings but moreover how the synergy of the various diagnoses affect/relate to eachtoher and the clients abilities/impairments. Further more or better said, perhaps a view towards where said synergy impacts both ability and impairment/ interactions in day to day living. At the end of the day - the wide array of symptoms and labels is what make this case said to be chronic and complex; or at least I assume. I wish you all the best in further defining what your able.

In Response to the Question of How Long Were You Homeless:

I again feel I have inadequately answered one of your questions somehow doing myself a disservice that typically leads me to staying awake until I have properly answered and or feel I have been heard. The latter entirely my fault.

It was the extreme nature of my time in KINGS CROSS during or about 1986 (I was approx. 16 to 17) that makes answering the homeless question difficult. I saw much suicide of people I had quickly attached to in that time, as well as that time being a confusing period in which I was involved in male prostitution - more shame and rejection ... I remember extreme bouts of personal religiously indoctinated conflicts as well. That aspect messed with my head is all. I was also involved in a lot of crime that involved heavy violence that resulted in murder but not by my hand, although more shame and blame nevertheless. The confusion and conflict kept building and so did the alcohol, drugs and dysfunction. That period was where I ended up having involuntary shakes, sweats, dizziness, erratic, judging, despairing thoughts whilst either myself or my bag being kicked whether I was laying on a train seat or park bench. The long story short here was that the day time exposure to 24/7 of having no roof or privacy over my head also took its toll. So tired from being up all night but not wanting to be seen sleeping in daylight. The constant being on display with people looking down on me was hard to take. I could never find a safe spot and was always on edge to a point where I often had such fits unrelated to alcohol and drug withdrawals. I have had those and know the difference. This is about what sustained fear can do to the body over a sustained period. Another level of PTSD; a gradual build Vs being suddenly traumatized. As you know I have experience them all. The male prostitutions also gives way to my revelations of being involuntary sexually abused. Waking up in strange places with pants down around ankles on full display. I have only told you of one story ... there is more but I really see not point in dragging it all up. What I reveal here is the truth and cost of full vulnerability on city streets as I endured it.

Whilst here again we can talk about defining the overlapping of my diagnosis and my early childhood difficulties/ traits as in our latest session with those Characteristics actually being beneficial (naivety more often than not coming off as endearing with your average addict VS full blown sociopath who at times would even settle to my simpleton way of being.) - I would just note that the contrast to my previous rural/village existence + sensitivities made my city homeless experience quite extreme. I don't want to write a book here but just make a couple of points. Allow me get back on track:

The extreme nature of the above is why I did not factor in the years before and after when I responded saying 6 to 12 months homeless experience. I was simply referring to the deepest chapter of many.

There are many phases to homelessness. Transitional being the main stream yet most often overlooked. Not every homeless person sleeps in the gutter and yet they suffer just as much.

My homelessness started before when I was first put into a children's home. I first become homeless when my sister was the 1st to go after my mum met my now Step-Dad. My brother soon followed. RIP Bro - It was then that I felt homeless. I later asked to be sent away to be with my siblings. Once we were all gone and when I was sent back I was quickly then sent off to churched based foster homes. In this sense my homelessness started when I was 11 to 12 ... before being sent to the 1st children's home when my brother and sister where the first to go and I was left in an alien home. I was not right in the head after that 1st home. I went from home to home there after until I was 15 where I was no longer even welcome to visit the place I used to call my original home. My bedroom became a distant memory which kind of hurt during times I begged to be allowed to come back in. At 15 I began sleeping on the rural roads in-between towns and cities. At this age I went between Brisbane (been leigh - beudesert - fortitude Valley) down as far as Melbourne and then Sydney. I slept in men's shelters, underaged posing as 18 and slept under rural bridges until I was 22 when I met my now wife. We have since been together for 30 years.

In this light I can now answer your question. I was homeless from age 11 until age 22 ... that is a period of 11 years. The degrees of transition in those years were quite extreme. From age 11-12 I saw my siblings taken from me and suffered much indoctrination and negative influences under the charismatic and Pentecostal church ideology. At Age 13 I was beaten, experienced perversion and much abuse at the 1st home where I also saw my siblings abused. From 14 to 15 I was sent to Christian foster homes as well did time in the Australian Outback as a Jackaroo. This was forced upon me instead of allowing me back into the house I once slept so long ago. From 15 to 17 I was extremely venerable on the side of the road and suffered many more hardships I wish not to recount. From 17 I saw many people die and this began a kind of psychoses of sorts that I have never recovered from. This level of trauma I kept living over up until 22 where I met my now wife. (around 21 I did try with my first son's wife - however in the end she rejected me) So there you have it. 11 full years of homeless from age 11 to 22 in the all of the above context.

Thanks for your time ****. Please understand that when I get caught up in answering a question I often forget the bigger picture. Often I may have to email you and this might get worse with age as my ability to focuses is not so able.

Kind Regards
*****

Ponder

04-14-2021, 04:24 AM

Allow me to continue this story in report like fashion. It's not all pain and suffering as the focus to obtaining and receiving support is after all aimed at healing. All this meandering I do with my online journaling whilst seemingly off the plot at times is for the most part on track with mending what can be mended and or self regulating so I can make better choices. I'm just doing what I did when living on the road/streets - educating myself on how the system works so the road ahead need not be as bumpy as it seems. Choice and Control is one thing, but finding the spark to want support is another. I get that - finding the strength to go on is really hard. Where I find myself on the road is generally defined with how I see. Most of the time It was not so much the hard tarmac or cement that I lay on that plagued my soul but simply the way I found people to be. Perception is everything. Making the effort to move beyond my own limitations and starting to see the same growth in others definitely helps to mend those bridges. As opposed to living in fear and resisting everything. For the most part the supports I receive are very much about mending bridges. My supports have little to do with psychosocial and community integration although the latter is used to market such plans. Of course my background is not your average case (although I would reason there are far more people out there like me) Most people in the community under the influence of main stream conditioning do not understand these things. Sadly it comes back to the same falibility I just alluded to that I see in people that makes the road harder than it need be.

At any rate, I just want to share how far I have come with the support funding I receive and how also the work I myself have put in as well as my mum, step dad and sister. It's good to acknowledge these things. Good for grounding where it counts.

I think I had only saw mum once after my brothers death and I had completely forgot I had even visited. This time I went supported and things went really well. After that visit my mother sent me a polaroid taken of me some time in the 70's. It looks like just a couple of years before the great rift took place in my life. At first I did not understand why mum had sent me this photo? I was really confused. I guess I was more confused due to the conflict I felt when looking at the photo as I really find it hard to connect with what I see when looking at the image. Best I can fathom with the sending of this pic is my mother's way of trying to help me. When visiting I explained why I was now relying heavily on government funded personal supports and also about some of my diagnoses. I think despite all the encouraging language and effort everyone was making, that I was a lot more impaired than previously seen. Yet the blessing in disguise as I see it when under pressure and struggling cognitively, is the lack in energy to resist. Humility comes to mind when struggling like so and it's a bit of a lesson on it's own. I guess I am getting older before my time but the way I see this world I kind of welcome it. I guess my view point is regarding such is to appreciate the finer perspective limitations can bring; seeing how we have been taking life for granted.

https://i.ibb.co/P1rsTG4/Polaroid-David-KMART-Photo-Booth-Toowoomba-Kodak.jpg

I never really gelled well with blaming my parents although like everyone else I did. The truth as I have come to see it, is that what drives people to make bad decisions is the same mistakes we have all made. Some of us just do it more frequently than others is all. Even during the blaming process, I have always loved my family as I am sure is true for many who still blame others for what they feel today. There have been many things about me that had me misunderstood in my youth. This extends to my learning difficulties or fitting in before the great rift divided my family. That facet be more my diagnosis on ASD/ADHD which was ever present before the PTSD. That being something I leave for another post. Yet those recollections help me understand another side of me. In fact I see the whole ASD differently than most although may amount to the same thing - yet in this light perception is everything.

At any rate here is another side of the story that highlights the benefit of my support and progress towards reconciliation which is more the point in which I share this. The way in which I learn to hold my history works towards such things. Growing old and or accepting one's place is not as frightening as our society leads us to beleive. I will miss both my mother and step dad when they are gone. I still love them both very much and pleased to sense the feeling is mutual. They will be gone soon so seeing them when I can is an opportunity I don't want to miss.

You may not see what I see in this - It shows me my mother is making as much an effort as myself and that she too wants things to work. It also shows that the support I receive is benefiting.

Support Review

Name: ************ & ******

Date: 11/04/2021

Participant Name:
****** *******

Support Worker:
****** ******

Out of Ten Please rate your experience with ***** & ******* Services. 1 being the worst and 10 being the best.

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
*TEN*

In a few words could you describe your experience with our support staff

I, ********,***** Mother, immediately felt at ease with ********, as did my husband, ****. *** was always respectful, well mannered & considerate of everyone’s feelings. He was both discreet & diplomatic; he was not officious in any way & understood about the need for any boundaries required (e.g. we are older people who need to rest often.) *** was a pleasure to be around as he has many qualities which made the whole experience not only beneficial to all, but left us feeling as though we’d made a new friend. ***’s patience and kindness will always be appreciated & well remembered. In a nutshell the whole experience was stress free and both **** and I would be happy for a return visit at a time convenient to all. We are now in our late 70’s and would like to see more of **** to enable more reconciliation, as progress was made and genuinely healthy ties between us all were established, including ****’s sister, ****, who was here visiting at the time.

Do you feel that your loved one was well supported?

Yes, ***** benefitted immensely from ***’s constant yet quietly unassuming support. He knew how to keep **** calm and well occupied without any hint of control. **** was in a positive frame of mind during most of the visit and made an effort to spend time with myself and ****, together and individually. The atmosphere was not intense, thanks to ***’s intuitive approach and natural ability to be quietly confident in every situation. My daughter’s presence helped a lot too as she is also intuitive to peoples finer feelings and knows when to speak or simply listen. I mention **** as *** was able to put her at ease & give constructive advice regarding her own situation. **** was included in all conversations and his needs were taken into account at all times without any molly coddling. *** is obviously well suited to being a mediator and friend to his clients while maintaining a respectful distance when the need arises. ***’s sense of humour was another thing that helped put ***** and the rest of us at ease. Since *** and ****’s visit **** and I have been able to talk for short periods over the phone without any feelings of trepidation or conflict. **** seems to have greatly benefitted from our family visit with *** and so have my husband and I, also****’s sister, ****. The first thing they all did was to visit the grave of my youngest son, ******, at the local cemetery. I stayed at home although *** offered to include me.

Would you use ****** and ***** services again?

Yes, we definitely will if given the opportunity.

Is there anything that you would like to let us know that may help improve our service in the future?

Please try to train and employ more people like *** who obviously have the client’s best interests at heart and who see their work as a vocation rather than a job.

Thank you for taking our service review.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ______________

This completes another episode of what's going on in my life. I am thankful that most in my family are not neurotypical. Like I said, perception is everything. I'm still all about not seeing as others see. At least not in terms of the general population. That said, I am just as prone to being human. There is no escaping that. Not unless I choose to believe I am an alien?

Here's to next post.

Ponder

04-16-2021, 03:16 PM

Yet as much I can acknowledge the benefits to be had, it is enough to make up for such an imperfect system? The buffering system in it and those who's role it is to administer are quick to box people within it.

What's next? Life is still very much a struggle. Lot's more accounting I am required to do for my upcoming review. In terms of the process is it worth it? Yes and No to be sure. But mostly yes. What does this mean for others not on it? Just another reminder of inequality. What are people desperate enough to become in order to fit the bill? In this respect the no can quickly outgrow the yes. At least when you become aware of how the system works.
_________________________

Enough mental masturbation. Hopefully this review period will be other in a couple of weeks.

Ponder

04-17-2021, 12:31 AM

Something of interest to mix things up:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6HN9l3c3AM

Ponder

04-17-2021, 05:04 AM

Good Evening. Today a few of us went outside to see what all the fuss was about with 2 Rainbow Lorikeets darting back and forth in one of the bottle brush trees. It was the unusual chirping we heard that got our attention as it's been a while since we have heard birds chirping as much as they did. I manage to grab my camera and video one of the hunger birds before my batter went flat. I was surprised to see my grandson become still whilst taking the clip. Although he was exclaiming to all present that if the bird did not quit eating he would become as fat as pop.

Might take a bit to load. By the time you read to the end this will have loaded.

https://i.ibb.co/dMYS8DQ/Hungry-Bird.gif
___________________
_
I had a bit of a lazy day today. Although I nearly messed up my windows install after online adobe got a hold of one of my older programs and rendered my registry with a lock on a few exe's. After rolling my system back I ended up all the better for it as I worked out a few work around's on programs I thought had become useless. Now I can get all creative again without having to pay ridiculous monthly fees.

Think I will go relax with a few meditation tunes. Here I link the photo I pulled from the camera and go make a hot milo:

https://i.ibb.co/yqBtQKK/Rainbow-Lorikeet.jpg

I think those short gif clips might be a new thing for future journal entry's. Yawns ... ZZZzzz Tomorrow is yet another day where I say DAY ONE again. Chuckles to self how much I have been struggling on that front. Best I went last time I tried was 14 days of no salt, sugar, caffeine and yadda yadda. My grandson it right - I am so FAT but more so feeling it with no energy and also that suffocating feeling one gets when full well knowing how it is that the body breathes if not so clogged up with all the fake foods. I won't go on anymore than that except to say I'll simply try again with tomorrow being my 'next' attempt.

I'm going to put my bike gears fixed up in the ship this week. Both bikes. My Road and Commuter. I see my therapist who will be finishing of his report for all the review stuff I have previously mentioned. The actually review is in about 3 weeks time. My coordinator went out on her own and in that time I had to pick up the slack and coordinate all the supports. Not something I am used to, but I've given it a fair go.

Hopefully I can get back on my bike this week and take the camera out and make a few Clips like the one above with a few worthy snaps.

Think I will call it a night - this ambiance I am listening too is really starting to sink in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oY3v0jAWr4

Goodnight. ZZZzzz

Ponder

04-18-2021, 12:33 AM

Good News for SpaceX. Another 3 Billion in the bag:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5m_Gu4ZGXRs

Ponder

04-18-2021, 01:03 PM

"I got the history to play along - yet one still needs to educate themselves with the rules of the game lest one really be consumed."

Still struggling with sleep during this period combined with intensive thoughts that deal with insecurity and venture into rages. That is the short and sweet of it.

My only note worthy point on top of that is just how much I struggle with balance in general. Not talking about general instability in terms of Manic behavior although can be a problem to be sure - but more so the consequences of an unbalanced life in general health and well being. It starts with broken sleep, involuntary thought, bad eating habits, sunlight deprivation, bad hygiene and so on. These being symptoms as experience within the episodic nature of mental illness. The impact of neurological imbalance on the psyche.

To be sure I understand and it's often acknowledge (which does me little good) that these review processes do my head in. The process itself is no different to banging my head on a wall which begs the question why even ask for help? The current systems in place as they be ... with the emphasis on warranting/filtering ... require you during the process to present your worst day of suffering. Is it any wonder that I struggle with balance?

Sigh ... It's complex and not as black and white as that ... yet it is.
____________________________

There is a constant strain on the neurological processes within my body as I account during these review periods that plague my mental health just as much as my historical past. It kind of begs the question .. which is worse. I guess it really does come down to beggars and choosers. Now that's challenging for all involved. Laughs out loud.

Sigh. Is all good. I'll get through it. You have to fight hard in this world with the way it be. I don't like it one bit and seems to go against what feels like my inner being - BUT - well ... instead of fight ... let's just call it trudging along. Yep sir re - Is all in the language. You have to study and learn to change it according to who's in power or calling the shots. In that respect we are all pawn and play along. If you fight that - then you will most certainly become non other than sheep irrespective to one's level of mental stability.

"I forget about that game for now. I'm actually doing better than most as I identify and play guinea pig and get caught up in that 'role'

FACT: The world is pretty much gone to shit in a hand basket but what's more fascinating is just how quickly it continues on it's current trajectory. I think everyone known that whether they want to be in it or not. Hence the focus on self, the pretense on caring and overall demonizing going on.

Jesus ... what a positive morning I am having.

My Bad. Better out than in I have been told. So be it.

Just thoughts going trough my mind. Not into right and wrong ... just doing my best to make sense as I best understand it. I got the history to play along - yet one still needs to educate themselves with the rules of the game lest one really be consumed. I'm just struggling with the first couple of lines of this post if I am to ground myself about now and not get to lost in said hand basket.

I said it before. It was not the tarmac or concrete I lay on that sapped my soul, but what I saw in people looking on. In that regard whilst the world is slipping down a slide, that has not changed at all. If anything it's just another catalyst of what is to come.

Ponder

04-19-2021, 02:35 AM

Today I was able to collect another 3 reports that were as inclusive as the other. It's important to ensure a good rapport with all those included in the support team. This is generally not achieved in the overwhelmed sector and when I sense it like so, that is when I no longer participate. To do so is flogging a dead horse and playing a role that only feeds the conveyor belt. That said if I did not put the effort as I've been, then I would be as much a victim to said wheel.

Yes I did question my rut in the wake of it all in my last post and to me those thoughts still count. Alas, today was the culmination of a lot of work. In that I am pleased. I have no questions about the detail and clarity of my upcoming review.

I have celebrated tonight by actually cooking myself a decent meal. lol Steamed salmon and Silverbeet, mash potato with sautéed onion and mushrooms. Hopefully my indigestion can cope with it. I've suffered badly this last week with indigestion.

Smells like it is ready.

Tomorrow I have to weave all those reports together with a bunch of attachments and send off to the new coordinator. Thankfully is the same person as before as you can't beat a good rapport. She left due to constraints in an overwhelmed rigid system. Moving on in those conditions is a sign of qualtiy worker.

Here's to tomorrow and hopefully some sleep tonight. Most of the hard work was finalized today.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ponder

04-19-2021, 02:35 PM

I woke up this morning very aware of just how calcified my brain is becoming. I understand just how dramatic that claim is. However given just how heavy and condensed my brain feels with each passing day I know I have to give that realization some quality attention. So instead of logging into my daily grind and running the game loops that are as just as much hustle and bustle to be found in the world's most densely populated city; I changed direction and happened on the following two clips below. Depending on where one is at on the conveyor belt will most likely determine if the message can be heard. At least I know that is how it works for me. I'll just link them anyway then touch on how those insights relate to me:

Seventeen Minutes - The clip bellow this one explains why 17 minutes may be too much for most today -
Whilst this one explains how it is that we are hooked.

https://i.ibb.co/LPWv4KH/Honor-your-nature.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJezZ0-jNNE)

UNDER Seven Minutes - Very easy to follow and hits a home run for me.

https://i.ibb.co/MCHw3yf/Danger-of-Productivity.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nT9U0ImCiIU)

What came to my mind when listening.

Want's Desire's & Greed:
My own life although a byproduct of the culture being outlined in the latter of the two vids (as I linked them) is still very much attached to the same rigmarole of those seeking financial security, status and fame. Even as a rubber stamped noncontributor my life is full of the same conditioning in order to receive. We live in a world full of warranting no matter where on the ladder we find ourselves to be. If your found not to be climbing, then your made to feel as Mr or Mrs/Miss nobody. The resulting sense of fear is what drives us all to desire and greed. Not achieving spawns depression that cycles through frustration, anger and back to depression. This is how the grind goes looping from doing to doing without really achieving anything.

Even our video games reflect as much. It really is rather sad that I can't even find a game that offers the scope for freedom. In 99.9 percent I only see the same conditioning take place in the digital world as I do out my front door. What's the answer I ponder? It has to be in the way we approach. In fact I know this key point really opens doors. I'm just so damn prone to getting sucked back into the grind where all my inner being ... is being constantly drained.

Having identified a cause and effect in the above - my mind begins to loop on just how it is the world is designed and why that be. Yet if I take the time to ponder I can see beyond the conditioning and even the tin foil hats into a void that instills the peace that come from being a Mr or Mrs/Miss nobody.

I think I leave this one at that. Maybe more on that 'approach' in my next attempt to reflect on how we can jump the hoops more easily, doing what we feel we should be doing so that we can actually enjoy the games we play and do the things we love without fear of what others think.

Ponder

04-20-2021, 03:45 PM

aaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ... Takes a huge breath. I just lost my morning post. Have to go now as well. Last night I had an unsettling event. The title was - Fear, Acceptance & A Visitor in My Sleep. My ear buds actually crackled during the experience and involved paralysis.

Another deep breath. I will attempt to write about it later.

Have a good morning/evening

Ponder

04-21-2021, 03:13 PM

I pretty much lost the essence of that sleep paralysis event. I don’t attach myself to those events anywhere near as much as I used to. Fascinating for those just starting out in life or those who just don’t know. Memory is such a bane to the human species as defined by many cults and spiritualists. It’s a non-issue for those conditioned outside those realms. They are said be asleep. Mainstreamers who’ve had no such experiences apparently more disadvantaged and that being why siad types are more easily drafted like sheep. Alas, in prison terms we are all in the same basket. It’s just that the programs used to hold the integrity of our cell differ depending on one’s level of awareness. Altered perceptions equals altered programs so that the bars are always present; no matter how green the grass be. What does it all mean?

Perhaps the vulnerability of the human Psyche is as fragile as the human body? Especially when one is tired and feeling week? Key programs feeding those full of energy and feeling invincible who in their own being feed programs that ensure none of us ever have a key? People who worship yet think they are their own God? A world full of beings that worship themselves?

Our minds conjure up all kinds words and alter their meanings with whatever metaphors, half-baked concepts and ideals just to lead ourselves into deluded pathways of blissful states. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/farm-animals/happy-sheep-smiley-emoticon.gif

__________________________________________________ __________
___________________
______
_

In order to take a break from my own cell I have created an outdoor sitting area. I still have some plants I’ll like to throw into the mix … but thus far this is what I have come up with:

https://i.ibb.co/9N9GVby/Outdoor-Sitting-Area.jpg

Not a bad looking prison cell?

Oh Look! I found a key ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/bye/im-outta-here-bye-bye-smiley-emoticon.gif

Ponder

04-23-2021, 05:26 PM

Is hard to think at this point as tackling the challenge to eating healthy once again. It's akin to giving up nicotine which I was dependent upon for up to thirty-eight years. Thankfully I've been off that hook for the last fourteen. One of many drugs we use from the nightshade family. Truth is I am still using other forms just as damaging. Why we are permitted to abuse ourselves so openly I don't know. When it comes to chemical dependencies we humans are so easily controlled. I'm pretty sure it's to do with that fact that anything goes within the bounds of societal law and that the policing of those things outside of it being what feeds our delusion. The altering of perceptions within those boundaries are primarily done using chemical dependencies yet it is the giving of a choice that plays the larger role to ensuring citizens believe they are the ones doing the sailing. Many fly flags to instill the programing that fosters pride and belonging. Mob Mentality or Proud Filled Worshipers it all amounts to the same Murmuring. Whether they be flags for country or sport that too points to the same thing; sovereignty. Yet another delusion that sells very well in cultish religions yet sits at the pinnacle of secular/mass control.

I think it was back on the previous page that I said "perception is everything." In my previous post I said "Altered perceptions equals altered programs." The term the Tinfoil Hat community uses is 'Perception Management' yet they are seemingly just as prone to the same mechanics within their disclosures. None of this is as black and white as let's say ... hmmm ... a News Paper or Social Media. Which kind of brings me to an entirely new point that is woven into the drug dependency. That is how invested emotion is as every bit predisposed to addictive behaviours and thus control.

How not become divided within myself and fall prone to the separatist mentality? So bound up we become living within said system. All this co-creation (if you will) is as deceived by the same structures it attempts to escape. Everything sold off with morality that quickly forgets the reality beneath their feet; the rock on which they live. To be sure if you buy the concept of all being one, there is no amount of singular improvement that will see blossoming take place whilst so many outside their boundaries/comfort zones suffer as plainly as they do. It matters not what flag, religion or sovereign speech one wraps themselves within. Moreover, I see those dynamics as the cancer to my existence.

It’s been festering for quite a while – yet I must admit I enjoy writing about such things. I guess that my way I myself self-sooth not unlike so many projecting their hearts flapping on poles, handing over their souls and painting pictures of wizards. A world that thrives on worshiping selves where anything that dares to question is quickly certified a demon. Duality? Said to be a delusion itself.

Here’s to healthy eating but not sure I really want to be living in said world. How to create my own without being prone to said BS esoteric weavings? How not to be one with one fucked up world?

Ponder

04-24-2021, 03:29 AM

Super tired and massive migraines. It's working! See you on my morning. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz More detoxing to go.

Ponder

04-24-2021, 02:14 PM

Woke up at 2am - lay down until 4am. Feeling stiff and sore. Another day to endure but doing so with the intent to make it a win re less poison. Had a good day connecting with the little guy yesterday and will make that another part of today's focus. Still very tired but is all part of the detox process. I really hope this time I can work on regulating emotion when it comes to that time where I just typically given in.

The title about sums up where I am at. Not buying into the array of transcendence philosophies so chose my words carefully with that. Unfortanley words having limited and varying meanings makes the term spiritual a little vague for me. Defining that is a little ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzing. The rest of of hits a home run for me. Not belonging kind of sucks but is still OK. Having said that, be sure not to get taken advantage of with so many concepts offering up whatever solutions. Just be sure to come up with your own and ride with that as best you can. Glean glean and glean - but question those fuzzy feelings as they sway to the background music.

Here's to making today another win ...

ZZZZZzzzzzz as long as I am not taking in poison, I can eventually move onto the next phase of whatever.

... a less painful ending with hopefully no new beginnings. lol genuinely chuckles.

Breathes.

Ponder

04-25-2021, 04:40 AM

Pretty much doing it hour by hour but tomorrow will start seeing days roll by. Migraines and tiredness continue.

Here's to a more positive outlook tomorrow morning.

Ponder

04-25-2021, 04:56 AM

In the meantime ... this is about where I am at:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DR5n2H6Jehg

Goodnight http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleeping-smiley-face.gif

Ponder

04-25-2021, 03:44 PM

When you really get right down to it, you begin to see whether thin or fat, disciplined or not, how we are all nothing but pigs. If it's not consuming food, then it's each other in every conceivable way. Now I don't know what to make of Alan Watts. I have posted him more than a few times since being here. I've read of others not liking him much. I pondered their reasoning and have since kept my own reservations. I can see how the man is perceived as gloomy. Yet I find something appealing within his delivery.

Right now I am dealing with the 'duplicity' of my extremes. (A word that stuck out in his video) Hence my title. I came across a rather challenging but very insightful lecture (segment) of his which I will share below. I found it quite helpful. I've heard it before but like many others like him there always seems to be something new the more you listen.

For me - what others call deprivation seems to be my only way. I am a guy of extremes and given my background that makes perfect sense. I've been down the path of paranoia and many bouts of necrotic behavior. It's just one of many predispositions that can raise it's head at a moments notice. I understood this point quite well and can see how challenging it is when he makes such claims. The context or point of view in which he highlights this and that, is a spin that might require a few bouts of listening and or self reflection as one tunes in. Even when I attempt to listen like so, I often come up with a slightly different scenario but still pretty much an antidote thinking that without having made the effort to try his approach I probably would of miss the mark. So it is that this talk resonated well enough for me.

It takes that "God damn selfish *&^%ing world!' attitude and helps me see the devil within. Reminds me of a couple of other posts I made some time ago 'Befriending Self' and something about 'making friends with the demon within.'

Re Watts on thinking about death? I find when I can do it right - I find it's absolutely peaceful. Hence I see it a little differently than that act being the fertilizer to life. I guess the peace find when successfully tapping into nonexistence can help with regard to watt's claim of creativity is that it helps to alleviate pain and thus that in itself helps to recharge me in the same way finding quality head space might. Point is I often see things a little differently yet find solace in a lot of what this guy has to say.

WHERE AM I AT NOW? I'm saying NO! to my so called Devil as I am sick of playing both roles; Saint & Devil. The consequences of saying YES to all my desires as predisposed to addiction had seen me on the brink of self destruction. The pure hatred that wells within is a demonic as it can get and the pious would be amounts to the same thing. Now I am not sure I really see much of an answer in becoming a Monk - Yet at the same time I do in some peculiar way. On the surface I think it's easy to see the same fallibility within most of todays Monk Marketing which now encompasses the globe. Arm chair wannabes from the comfort of our screens sapping up all that projected contrasting of love and pain. Not saying the essence of Buddhism has nothing to offer. In fact Alan Watts draws a lot of his insights from his own experiences having done time with said establishment/s. He just seemingly enjoys contrasting the BS between all the points of views and lived his life in his own way to make it through. All the best to him and hopefully he is now at a point of non-existence. I really don't know - yet like I say ... for me such a thought goes beyond being fertilizer to life ... but more the point of embracing death.

There are so many ways to come up with one's own direction - I really have no idea. As much as I embrace caring less for society - right now I am all about depriving both my would be saint self/s and my demon/s. The result is just breathing. But more so less complications. The MONKey way might seem boring - but less really is more. Not sure what taking in a little of Alan will do to my creativity - but right now ... I got a many more days of self-deprivation to get through. I ponder to think how such a term as 'self-deprivation' is often demonized yet know for a guy of extremes like me ... it's only ever been the way I can breathe freely.

I'm said to have no filters - thus I know not how to act in this world other than what I have been taught. I have to admit I despise the curriculum and on that front have never ever fitted in. To fit in is to pretend. I've never really been good at that, yet I have succumb in other ways. Working on it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOTY9BVVZik

Ponder

04-26-2021, 03:45 PM

https://i.ibb.co/d51gyt2/giphy.gif

Couple of things come to mind here. Emotional control & Sustainability Vs Methodologies.

The term Vs (Verses) implies a struggle of some kind and whilst I do not like contention, reality in all it's forms does seem to require some level of persistence. Yet resistance is spiritual terms is often encompassed as something that holds us back. Context here being how we choose to focus determines the shape that our words often take in our life. Moreover how words fail us so many times and why.

Example - Key point to struggling less is to take the path of least resistance. Yet persistence is required in order to break unhealthy habits.

I look at above Gif and think that although I am not using medication, I to use a LOT of other things in my life to alter my emotions. This writeup is not an anti medication rant but more an example of habitual behaviors with that gif being the best example I could find OR one I found and decided to write what comes to mind: Emotional control & Sustainability Vs Methodologies

The looping I often become entangled with is words and terms. The conflict here being the path of least resistance is indeed often found in a pill yet that direction for many results in all kinds of complications that lead to even more paths of least resistance. Now instead of taking one path we end up with 'more' which kind of goes against the philosophy of least resistance. Less is more. So it is that twits, memes and so on do little for me. Reflection takes time just as the digestion process after eating a meal does too.

The culture we live greatly effects our ability no matter what method we choose to change our reality. I've lost sight for some time now. If I am to attempt to be compassionate towards others I need to spend more time thinking on this. I think that thought just popped out because I have been struggling to find compassion for myself + also starting to remember how ... well thinking positively (definitely for lack of a better word) really does help to up ones vitality and bring color back to an otherwise dreary world.

The whole conflict with positivity is because of how it is sold but I try more on that later. In a rush yet again this morning but I will make time. It is enough to of made a note and nestled my thoughts as they came. As long as I can let them go and get on with what I would like to do in order to accomplish what I feel I must in the new found quest to ... be more positive.

Have a good day/evening.

Ponder

04-27-2021, 03:31 PM

Quite literally ... we live in the Age of Masturbation. I mean with young women today in their work shops working hard on the lathes turning out instruments striving all day to bring nature where it truly belongs. What better way to get in touch with oneself!

Visit her page here (https://twitter.com/SilviaPicari) and support her if you so wish - Peer validation is important these days.

Just when you thought the New Age Community was dead.
https://i.ibb.co/kVTmMMD/Happy-Masturbation-Month-I-love-Me.jpg

No splinters here!!!
https://i.ibb.co/G7rrsSM/lathe.jpg

To be sure we all do it! Of course there are some don't. Shame on them! Imagine how thrilled generations of the past would be to see how far society has come. Just like all our vices I mean not to deaminize them but simply make a point; societal values. I could not help but laugh at the irony as it be to me whilst in my phase of self-deprivation that I found this whilst searching on Marketing Behaviors. Fact is, it's not hard to start searching for a bouquet of flowers and end up being enlightened with such an advert as shared here.

The other side of the coin is the term Mental Masturbation that my good friend 'I-Am-Suffering-' (former forum member) brought to my attention a few years ago. That term has stuck for good reason. I'm a good practitioner of it. Which probably means I'm good at both forms.

So there you there have it. Today's vices on the table for all to see. May as well embrace it hey?
______________________________________

WTFever. Just saying is all. aha aha. Let's just say balance is key?

I guess my wrist must be getting sore and my mind desensitized to all the thrashing. Not enough gentle stroking?

Chuckles. Still Detoxing. No doubt.

That concludes this morning's post.

salvator here

04-29-2021, 08:10 AM

Your thread and pictures and honesty have made me so happy this morning - I'm so glad to see you and your family outside enjoying life. You're doing so much better than I, but I'm going to dust myself off and try again as the weather is really getting nice here and I just don't want to miss out.

I hope you have a great day.

~Sal

IAmCamille

05-02-2021, 09:16 PM

I enjoy reading this. Those photos actually look great.

Ponder

05-05-2021, 03:27 AM

Hi Guys. Great to see you again Sal. Who was I kidding. hehe. Thankfully Camille has also been keeping this forum breathing. Thanks Camille.

I've had a really tough weeks guys. Had to take some down time with some enjoyable OCD and a new computer game. Farming Simulator 2019. I used to post screenshots some time ago when playing the 2017 version.

I read up a little on some of your posts Sal - Srry things have been a struggle. Dealing with people sure is tough. I hope both you guys have an improved upcoming weak regardless of whatever.

WELL - The latest News!
The seven years of waiting for a finally hearing to decide where are grandson is going to end up is very much upon us. It's going to be a stress time this next month. Lot's of support I need to give my wife and many talks to polish off an affidavit here and there + collect and request more reports Yadda Yadda. We have been fighting for this the whole seven years. It escalated once the father beat the little guy once he was 16 months. I about had an aneurism thinking on that one. Sigh -

Anyways - despite the uncertainly principle (No judo there hehe - injoke :) ) Our little guy is top of his class with reading and numbers. Socially he is defiantly special/ed. It's sad how that has to come into it. I think it's the so called normal ones that need to work on that front. Hyper Me Me Me or self self self syndrome for those that like to pick on those that don't fit. Rar Rar and Rarrr. Yawns ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

All good. Pretty much got all the bases covered. Just have to make those who are overpaid do their job properly. Like most things in life.

Yadda Yadda.

I'll check back now that I know your around and also would like to continue to give Camille some picture or Gifs to see. :)

Be well friends. Please don't mind my sarcasm of late. I try to do my best now more than ever with this approaching court date.

Ponder

05-05-2021, 10:36 PM

Elon pulled it off! The world might be going to shit, but this was worth watching.

Below link shows it better.

Edit Timestamp of another coverage ... Just coming into land and then coverage of the fire that takes place upon landing. (https://youtu.be/jX6FCR0gd5I?t=3102)

Ponder

05-06-2021, 02:10 AM

From a distance for another perspective.

Time stamp of Starship coming out of the clouds (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swexWob7UHE&t=342s). Love how the crowed goes quiet once they realise it's on fire. This was a much better landing out of the last 4 which blew up. Fire at the end was put out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swexWob7UHE

Ponder

05-07-2021, 03:08 AM

Very very tired. I will upload a little video of how my plant collection is coming along. I bought some more bamboo that I have since moved up against my fence. I'll do another video of that later on. I spent a little extra to get some taller ones this time. All in all my little out door green room is coming along nice. Still a ways to go as I plant to make a a jungle of sorts.

Today we got some damning evidence regarding our little one's father. It's good we have some more ammunition against the guy, but quite sad that even if we get to keep the little guy, that we don't even want to send him for visits given this new evidence regarding just what a child abuser and control freak this father is. The info comes from one of his teenage daughters that was and is abused as well as her mother. Thankfully they seem will to take the stand. My wife has been spear heading a tactical plan with all his past victims which apparently is quite a few women and children. Reminds me of the nightmare home I was in, except it's all happening again with the potential for my grandson to suffer if we don't take a solid stance. He swears and beats his kids telling them to suck it up and not to be princesses. Sigh. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz We'll make him eat those words now! Seems the teenage kid is getting some kind of therapy out of writing what she has. I feel for her very much after hearing my wife read what she wrote. I am seriously getting too old for this shit and have not yet hit 55. Seems more and more grandparents are having to deal with this kind of thing with more and more would be parents giving themselves over to the selfie generational / conditioning side affect - which include those well into their 50s as well ... which are as much about themselves as any bristling teenager. You see I'm not meaning to pick or single out any category re the age factor as that just feeds the fucking cycle of this sheepish world and their brainwashing ideals. Never pick sides as doing so is destined to fail. Give the game up I say. No longer play it on any level. Us and Them ... all that talk is BS. Where all in it together or not at all. Yadda yadda. Anyone that is not into demeaning others or blaming everyone else in life but just looking to let whatever and whoever be is all AOK with me no matter what age or creed. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Fuck I am tired.

Fact is that once the court case is finally finished, life and all it's associated BS will never end until we take out last breath. For now - I keep focusing on my plants and then a little more on my upcoming affidavit and do what I can to make this child abuser answerable for his antics. At least choose my words carefully and make them count.

How's that download going?

There we go: Sadly the original bamboo is not doing so well. It'll live but needs more food by the looks of things. I think I shocked it moving it from where it was. See what happens and learn from my mistakes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C6bYRT7dAQ

Good night. ZZZZZzzzzzzz

salvator here

05-07-2021, 06:34 AM

Sleep well my friend, sometimes Its the best medicine. I just dragged myself out of bed actually. I'll write more later but I see you're online and wanted you to know I read everything you wrote and love the bambo :)

salvator here

05-07-2021, 03:43 PM

So its almost 6PM - I got out today and it was nice to get sunlight on this ghostly body, but lets face it, people just suck! Atmosphere never disappoints us and would love to have your garden. I have 1 plant that I haven't murdered yet as I don't have a green thumb.

I would've come back here sooner but I assumed AF was history and was shocked when I typed it in and the forum came up ... like, wow. Great to know we are still going here.

I've pretty much just come back to support you and others - I'm soo sick of me Lol.

I wish you and your family strength over the coming weeks/months to deal with the system.

Ponder

05-08-2021, 02:09 AM

Thanks for the kind words Sal. So glad you able to come back and give a little support. It means a lot to me and others I am sure. It's a different kind of forum to the others. People are reading and the way I figure it ... many take solace when reading that they are not the only one's struggling with others such as in the way those of us write when we do.

Smiles - I hear ya re not being in the sun for a while then going out. It can be a mission like a vampire having to get a dose of blood from the grocery store at high noon. Or perhaps that's just me. lol.

Today I picked up around 260 liters of potting mix. I started taking photos to share and will take more tomorrow when I pot the bamboo. I'm yet to lift a few plants and re-pot as well as buy just a few more to pack in some plant to thicken the green up. I might start taking my laptop outside to make some posts once things settle down.

I know it can be hard to log on and keep in touch so a big thank you from me for making the effort. Your post really brightened my day. :)

Ponder

05-08-2021, 04:21 PM

I thought this was really cool:

I've watched quite a few of hers. Inspiring stuff. I'll post my favorites of hers later. To be sure I like everything this little one does. Something magical about her being so young and doing this. Unfortanley people do not age like wine.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0zNiae3j7k

Don't get me wrong, people still suck! Maybe not everyone. :)
Definitely check out her promo cover video on her channel.;)

Ponder

05-09-2021, 03:45 AM

Another big day working on the outdoor green room. My wife demanded that I hand back the bank card after my last trip to the warehouse. lol. I've been suspended until the court proceeding are over. About six weeks I guess. All good. Not the first time. I at least did manage to fit in her mother's day present; Zygocactus :)

Bit behind on chores as we have a house inspection coming up. Need to do a quick mow but also have a review meeting re my supports and also have a therapy session all in one day. House inspection the day after. ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz

You've head it all before but fuck man I really got to get a hold on my health. Starting to worry about the stress my on body with all this extra weight and lack on activity where it counts. Like I mean potting about is great but not really cutting it with how I have let myself go. Problem is as you get older the hill can kill ya if you make it up near the top and wind up rolling either back or over the other side. This trying to eat my way back into a healthy weight is just not cutting it for me. Time to stress my shoulder a little more each day. Yadda Yadda ... broken record I know. Fact is I need to keep telling myself. I got a bike mirror on order to help give me a little confidence on the road. As much as I don't like mixing it up with the traffic, riding a bicycle on the footpath is more trouble than it's worth. At least for me it is. As much as I am over people I still like to treat others as I would want others to do to me. I find there are as many ass holes on the footpath as I do on the road. LOL ... I needed that laugh.

I've also been watching re-runs of some Adam Sandler and Jim Carey. Seems to be helping. In fact I am watching a lot of re-runs of late. Regardless of getting older the dribble hitting the screens today is just so predictable and oversold.

Righto ... having some how fitted in 200+ Mods into my gaming server without issue, I think I am ready to go try them out.

First I watch one more of this little performer - Nice piece as well as genuinely played:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXtv9JC-0Jw

Ponder

05-09-2021, 03:44 PM

Full On DAY Today. Just finished printing out two thirds of the reports that are being used in today's Disability Support Review. A big session that has entailed many hours of assessments and no doubt lots of money $$$ that so many people get bent out of shape on. What the fuck ever. I already expressed the part about this world being a stage and everyone need either accept their part or at least learn to play this BS game, lest one find themselves consumed as a victim Vs one who sails their own boat. I've put a lot of work into this review and intend to make it work for my own outcomes Vs the strings the government and certain inflexible sheep would otherwise have me do. Alas, there are many pit falls to this game and to be sure I have just about hit them all.

https://i.ibb.co/9g3kDXh/Reports.jpg

I just need to remember and stick with those notes sitting under my watch and hearing aids. I best ware those too. A big goal for later this year is to expand out Goodwill Computers Charity which is still going quite well. Those notes be sitting above wallet and noise cancelation buds. I have kept very quiet last year about the charity we run due to Covid, the Road Rage even and my Should Reconstruction. Once we get custody of our grandson (in accordance with our daughters wishes of course) and are final done with family court (touch wood) my wife and I are looking to start some disability workshops relating to hands on computers. From tinkering with circutboards to just playing Minecraft and everything in-between. We have already been on the NEWS a couple of time with different ventures. I think once all this other BS is out of the way, I think we can make this new goal work. I know enough people in the field. Just need to find my MoJo is all. I need to think more about that though and would not bother if not for my wife. She is the one that best deals with people over the phone and keeps records of it all. I'm only good with that kind of thing when it comes to jumping my own hoops and not others. Just depends on the support and flexibility one receives I guess. Take out that BS expectation that comes with a wage and I am all good. Money has a way of corrupting people when it comes to the work force. The only things I have excelled at in my life is doing things for free ... although yes of course the is always a cost associated with it. I'm more talking about the way people treat eachtoher between the two ways of being in a general sense. To be sure there are huge egos in the charity business and it is just as toxic with people wanting to be seen and having more. I've been guilty of it myself to be sure and reason why I need to think carefully about going back into that scene. If we do ... we need to keep it small. That is for sure.

OK - enough with that kind of thinking. I get ready for my big Review and also have therapist appointment which I have not had the last few weeks as he has been away. I must remember to wish him well. He is a good guy. I need to keep him on board. Today we talk about our daughter (with my wife included/fronting the session) as my daughter is too under assessment. Finally we have worker who does not want to divide the family as so many other workers are constrained to do. That hole privy BS thing that we are taught to fear has created a huge rift in society that people care less to see. My daughter has been holding down her job and is doing really well since this guy has come on the scene. We fight hard for her to want support and it seems our efforts our now turning into her own. We could not be in a better spot all things considered re going into this court case. That in itself has been a huge gathering of wills.

Sigh ... ok ok --- time for bacon and eggs then a quick shower. I'll pull up short of the toilet door. hahahhaaa Keeping a record usually works for me. rofl ... what the fuck ever.

Righto ... best remember to water the plants.

It's OK ... People still suck! That said we should do what we can to make that less of an issue and no better place to do that than by starting with oneself.

That's a wrap
http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/bye/im-outta-here-bye-bye-smiley-emoticon.gif

salvator here

05-09-2021, 05:07 PM

Man, do I get this - the endless battle with the system. So much to say but struggling for words atm. Just one of those days, I guess, no (major) worries. Mentally I've been quite 'out there' lately, but not always bad so hell with the world if that's "unwell" ... I'll take it and embrace it then but just aware of the other side of the coin that usually follows (the crash). My old therapist told me whatever works to get through the day, he was usually clueless but right on that one.

I haven't shared with my new therapist *the extent* of my Derealization - I touched on it and she just said remove the shame from it and we've not discussed it since, as, to me, this is not wrong/ill/crazy. Again like you said: unstable in an unstable world IS normal and I'll take (moments of) 'normalcy' (whatever that means) as 'consistency' is beyond my reach .... I'm 'all over the place'. Oh well - Haha :rolleyes:

sorry for not making any sense :(

Glad you're getting paperwork together, for now, I've taken a break as I'm exhausted from that last battle and even my therapist said: for now, take care my myself and hygiene and my immediate needs because it took a pretty severe toll and I need to compose myself again; not that I was ever all that composed anyway that I can recall - Lol..

And you reminded my to water my 1 plant as its getting a bit dry. I water it and sit and talk to it and it cheers up and seeing it flourish makes me feel better - its just a common Anthurium house plant.

Will write tomorrow morning.

Enjoy your week ahead.

salvator here

05-10-2021, 07:19 AM

Hey, Ponder :)

I was just typing on your thread and your name popped up on the bottom of my screen lol

So its a little past 11PM and you're preparing for bed? I (fully) admit I only dragged myself out of bed 1/2 hour ago lol

Ponder

05-10-2021, 08:17 AM

Hey there Sal. That is one of my favorite plants. Mine almost died because I let them all go at one point. Well actually more than one point. I’m glad you have a plant. : ) Sometimes it only takes one to remind us of something other than ourselves.

Yea – I know that feeling man. So much to say but not sure how to deliver. Whatever works is a very personal thing I guess. Sometimes it can take a few goes before we know what truly works as often the shortest route comes with consequences not so well understood until it’s too late.

Makes sense to me Sal. The definition on Google makes me laugh a little regarding the claim that people feel disconnected at least once in their lifetime. Right now it is the majority of people most of the time on a regular basis that are somewhat detached from the essence of life around them. What they are connected with is far from reality. What most call reality is far from life. Just a system of living in which if you’re not doing it right, requires a label that gives blame to the individual. So whilst some claim the answer is to subtract the blame, the act of doing so just seemingly leads back to the grind which in turn wares one down until such a point blame is back in the game. Of course we are told the answer is the same. Subtract the blame once again.

Of course blame is a good thing to be rid of. Just hard to do when living in a world that thrives on it is all. Blame and Shame. I know you have lived enough to know that drill.
_____________________________

Arr man … I have to admit that I am climbing the walls tonight Sal. That Review went pretty badly. Like I pretty much got what was being asked for … but the way in which I was continually cut off and dismissed was quite appalling. Like the way I was treated, weighed and measured. In the end I think of all the posts I have made in here about control and how it is that I have allowed myself to give so much of my own power away in return for this and that service. I am as much a slave to the system that I write about. I am torn between the benefits that my wife receives via the help I myself get. Like a big part of me is ready to truly disconnect and give up my supports but I know my wife would resent me for doing so due to the afore mentioned benefit she gets. I plan to start doing more things myself once again before I give it up. See if I can prove to her that I don’t need the help.

Forgive me as I think out loud. This space is good for that and something I can do for myself. My wife in pretty much on the same plan – just not getting as much help as me. The stupid thing is that she needs it more than me. Moreover, I really should be the one doing more of the work. The system really has a way of disempowering people. Is hard to explain. I think it is making me more broken than I need be. I have become selfish in my own quest to want more. I am disappointed in myself regarding such.
I believe I can keep the disability pension I am on – but thinking seriously of giving up the NDIS services. (National disability insurance scheme) It’s such a scam on so many levels with all kinds of peoples exploiting on all sides. Just another part of the system consuming people as it goes along. There is this thing my wife and others say “once you go off it you’ll never get it again!” The very nature of that claim sounds off. Like if you’re going to be like that I really don’t think I should be receiving the help?

Hmmmm – Like I have some serious cognitive issues in certain situations that can go from manageable to extremely dysfunctional – BUT – only more like so as long as I believe in such. If I was not on the NDIS system, I bet I would not think as negatively about myself and have more room for growth without all the overlords and so on. I have lost much that matters most since engaging on this system. I don’t know … They kind of got me by the balls. I’ll talk to my coordinator and ask if I extricate myself from said system, can she help my wife can get extra support since she is now on it.

I will have to ride my bike to appointments – BUT – then I will have less appointments. My wife uses the car all the time but that is OK. So often I have written about the slave trap. My example is a perfect one to highlight how you don’t actually have to be working to be caught up in that trap. I seriously need to free myself. Perhaps I can talk to my therapist and utilize funding another way. We have something called Allied Health. Less appointments but the less factor actually works into what I am looking for. I think I might actually be able to plan my way out of this mess. Hmmmmm

I am done with all that paper work … my labels will still stand for those that require them I guess. It’s just that I am personally done with them.

Arrrr -

Whatever. I feel much better than I was before I started writing.

I hope you’re feeling a little better yourself.

Night Night. ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ponder

05-10-2021, 08:28 AM

Hey Sal - Just saw your message - truth be told I am climbing the walls unable to sleep. Is nearly 1 am here for me. My above post kind of helped. Thanks for reaching out though. I hope you enjoy/ed your walk. Please have a morning cuppa for me.

Here's to a good day for you and me. : )

Any movies worth watching of late? Subjective I know ... figured I would ask anyways.

salvator here

05-10-2021, 12:18 PM

So, hopefully you finally were able to get to sleep, I know that struggle all too well myself.

The walk was nice - nobody bothered me and I was able to have 1 exchange of pleasantries with somebody with a simply "hello" and that was just fine. I walked basically around my complex as I've been a bit phobic of being on the streets because I don't trust people anymore, and I don't want to wear a mask and get looks of death without one when I'm on the road. What is important is to get fresh air and sun and my therapy session with my 'inner self' for clarification of things I'm experiencing - funny how the subconscious sometimes inline with our outer self. Hard to explain.

Funny, because I used to use no script and block all tracking, I never used to even see the chat room below, but now, I've let go of some of my paranoia by just adjusting my JavaScript settings as follows in Firefox:

user_pref("javascript.options.asmjs", false);
user_pref("javascript.options.baselinejit", false);
user_pref("javascript.options.discardSystemSource", true);
user_pref("javascript.options.ion", false);
user_pref("javascript.options.strict", true);
user_pref("javascript.options.wasm", false);
user_pref("javascript.options.wasm_baselinejit", true);
user_pref("javascript.use_us_english_locale", true);

And I'm finding myself more at ease taking into consideration my paranoia was/is unfounded as I'm cautious and careful and trust AF. Before, nothing worked right and drop-down menus didn't even work properly, so I can enjoy the full experience without needless plugins/add-ons/extensions. I'm allowing some ads so as to not hurt any revenue for the longevity of our forum.

user_pref("privacy.trackingprotection.enabled", true);
user_pref("privacy.trackingprotection.introCount", 20);
user_pref("privacy.trackingprotection.pbmode.enabled", true);
user_pref("privacy.trackingprotection.socialtracking.enabled", true);
user_pref("privacy.trackingprotection.ui.enabled", true);

Just don't have this same control in Chrome to my liking - though I do use Vivaldi only when needed.

Speaking computers: I read you are still doing the good will, I think its great you're still helping people to get a working system. Gosh, my computer is the air I breathe. I'd say I'd go nuts without it, but, trust me, I'm already there ;)

So I was happy to send you a message or anybody for that matter if I"m online as I've hardly ever used that chat room here.

Somebody is picking me up later for a bite to eat and I'll get ready shortly for that and hopefully also starbucks tonight and will check in later. If not, hope your day is a good one and I'll be sure to post some of the movies I watch ... enjoying classic horror and suspense films.

salvator here

05-10-2021, 04:59 PM

Dinner wasn't too bad; enjoyed Spanish Red Rice dish with Turkey Sausage with Collard Greens. I'm not used to salty dishes as I've cut out salt from my diet for so long now I no longer crave it as much. I'm not good company these days, but I did my best to at least seem interested and just agreed with everything that was said lol... but glad to be home and its quiet just the way I prefer it :)

Its about 7PM and I plan to watch:

Things Heard & Seen on netflix tonight and I'm usually ready for bed at 10 but it takes me time to quiet the noise in my head to sleep sometimes.

Hmmmm – Like I have some serious cognitive issues in certain situations that can go from manageable to extremely dysfunctional

I'll write more in the morning about your 2nd to last posting as I have some input that *could* be of some benefit (re cognitive deficits) as I also have well documented (noticeable) deficits; perhaps.

Enjoy your day :)

Ponder

05-11-2021, 04:25 AM

Hey Sal. Yum. That dinner sound really nice. Hehe – I agree – I agree.

I did not think the movie you mentioned would show up in our region as there is a log of stuff we don’t get to see here than others on the other side of the world usually have access to. I will watch it and see how I sleep tonight – LOL.
NICE WALK! Sounds like you scored on that round of effort. Nicely done. A walk is a walk. Once time I was so isolated that I started walking in my back yard around the clothes line. It worked! I eventually went from that to losing 36kg. Now I am not trying to suggest anything by that. God forbid I try that again. ZZZzzz

Grrrrrrr to people’s sheepish attitudes and how easily they fall into line then project their BS onto others. This being my response to what you said re the Masks. I mean not to judge either way, but that negative projection you are talking about is very real and toxic. Yea we need to breath! So many people do not know how to balance the mask warring and use it as just another form of abuse.

Is OK man … I respect your views on privacy. I kind of could care less myself given my background and share pretty much everything … THAT SAID, I can dig where you’re coming from. I will keep an eye out in the chat box bellow and happy to use it if ever you would like to talk live. I have used it with great success with other forum members. Not often but a few times we had some cool sessions.

You know Linux is really good for keeping all that tracking at bay. I used to use a multiboot operating system where if I really wanted a trouble free experience I would use a Linux distribution to surf the net and then just log back into windows for my more demanding user friendly tasks such as gaming and Photoshop. My main gripe with trackers is how it affects my dyslexia. Quite bad at times.

Yea … we mostly refurb laptops and give those away to appropriate applicants. We do our best to keep a list to ensure we cover others who missed out. Is hard to please everyone though.
__________________________________________________ _____

I’m glad you able to post in the forum again but appreciate the need for space when that time comes. Just post about whatever when you have time regarding the constant bureaucratic battles we have to undertake when accessing promised services and the like. Half the time if it’s not the quality of reports that hold one’s back it can just be a simple case of the person pushing the pen.
Some people should not be in the positions they are in.

I understand not everyone will care to read, but I am going to share something that will explain why I have been climbing the walls and often why I just want to give up. It was much easily for me to take screens shots and stick the following. The content speaks for itself and you already have enough history given my distress over the last couple of days with regards to context. Other than that I will just entitle as follows:

Misunderstood Peoples, Complacency and Negative Impact Within the Industry. The Constant Battle:

https://i.ibb.co/y5WjVzq/Misunderstood-Clients-Negitive-Impact.gif

Now I can sleep ZZZzzzzzz

salvator here

05-11-2021, 08:17 AM

Well no wonder you were climbing the walls. I Read every word of your reports and I'll admit, even reading yours bring up suicidal thoughts within me - not because you triggered me in any way, but because it relates (closely) to what I'm also going through.

As you say, I'll take space if I needed here and respect your space as I'm only here to support you and others now without 'butting in' or being pessimistic that won't help you or anyone. Please don't think I'm giving up on myself, I can't give up or 'they' win, just taking a break to recover then start this whole mess again in Fall. Enough about me for now though.

Wow, nothing surprises me anymore on this battle. But ... This lady is inappropriate for her line of work - shes cruel and heartless and lacks compassion and basic humanity skills. She sure was being condescending towards you with those comments. So much to say, but I'm going to restrain myself and be optimistic for you. I suppose: expecting anything to go smoothly dealing with the system is being unrealistic. I hope they find you another case worker, or if not, at least you're better prepared now if you have to deal with her again.

Well I hope your sleep went better and the movie was a 6/10 for me if you did see it.

I (truly) hope you have a nice week ahead and find things to enjoy. I want to restore my grandmothers Queen Anne coffee table that I inherited - for now, it just needs proper cleaning to get years of nasty polish and ugly varnish away to see what I'm dealing with. Its beautiful piece of furniture. This is my goal for now to restore some of my neglected items and cherish what I do have.

Ponder

05-12-2021, 03:34 AM

Thanks for kind words Sal. Totally exhausted today. Still catching up on sleep but glad I made the effort to focus what I could re making my complaints/feedback. I do not have the energy to do another review which was offered as a result of my telling's. I have to focus on the family courts now. The good news is as you say, I and my team of supports are well positioned in the event this review officer strays from policy when making decisions. Because we do not ask for anything outside the constraints/guidelines we should be good to challenge anything that arises if need be.

You seem to understand well just how hard it can be to keep the system honest where we often question the counter intuitive side of things when it comes to our health. Is best to try and learn those guide lines and not set expectations high, however as far as dealing with people who lack humanity in these positions - we need to take a stand if we do decide to continue using their services. I guess that is what I was trying to do for my own well being. I am very lucky to have supports that understand me. I think they are making the next review 3 years away this time around as will no longer require any more psyche assessments. Enough is enough. Future reports will only relate to the utilization of recommended services and funds as it should be. The intensive assessments this time around was to actually counter the bias towards mental illness which is quite a sad topic in itself. We planed well on this take and I think at the core of it, that the person behind the desk this time around did not like the fact that all the report backed eachtoher up like a well oil machine. Although my coordinator has not come out and said it as such, I can tell she if very happy that I made the noise I did as the resistance we got from behind that desk was just an opportunity for me to do what I do best. In fact I can see how my supports encouraged me not to take the conduct of this officer laying down. As a result I was able to point out exactly the opposite of where this officer wanted to take my case and in doing so I now have a much more consolidated case when it comes to countering this incessant bias towards indidiuvals that suffer mental illness.

I can't stand how people so easily dismiss those known to have life long chronic complex cases that involve labels such as bi-polar, schizophrenia, major depressive disorder, social phobia, generalized anxiety and so on and so forth. The system is designed in a way that is easy to water down mental illness disorders when it comes to seeking 'permanent' mental health assistance. Permanent being the complex nature of such claims. Once you are awarded into any kind of disability pension that requires that certification of 'permeance' re whatever disability - when it comes to service utilization it's another whole game where as I have alluded to that mental illness the same kind of stigma from public opinion deep into mainstream services. The undesirable traits of mental illness are viewed as 'self made.' Like the same kind of stigma where people are not operated on if they smoke cigarettes', drink and so on. All the way down to fat people having to pay double for a plane ticket. The NDIS even had a clause that people who have been in prison need not apply. Perhaps that was like time based? At any rate that resonated with me in terms of the stigma context. God forbid my mention of being such a by product would have anything I say instantly dismissed by those reading.

It's the exact same 'you brought it on yourself' reasoning why so many mental health labels are knocked back when applying for whatever scheme. I understand the need to hmmm prioritize applicants from a budgetary point of view and also accounting for blatant acts of fraud that go on all the time. However, what I would like highlight here is the damage this bias towards mental illness in general does to genuine certified life long affected individuals that suffer with mental illness all their life. That review officer that fronted me was rife with that exact bias and she did not like our well constructed case as it was repeated all the way through how my autism take precedence over my other wise mental illness labels so to speak. Let's think of some of these 'agents' across the desk more like insurance reps. When they assess reports they are looking for the NOs and not the YESs. The only YESs they give are to those above them. The Yes Men/Women - who's role is to say no more than it is Yes. I'm pretty sure you get me drift?

Throughout the entire review the officer was focused on dismissing any kind of 'psychical' impairment where she could. This became more obvious to me as the review went on and more and more she diminished my Autism Traits. For her it is important to have me relegated more as mentally affected in order to reduce my drain on the budget. I know that sounds harsh, paranoid or whatever. I don't care what others think. I am telling it as I see and sense it. Don't think for a minute that many of these would be bureaucrats don't have their own bias re those stigmas I highlighted. If and when you come across these types and you have a stream of well oiled reports designed to counter these would be's - then it is easy to gauge the tone that sets to question in a dismissive tone. Now that is a separate dynamic to other variables that get in the way. BUT - it is a typical one that leads to un professional interview that wind up like the one I just had. Of course this take is more easily seen from a client perspective that has been in the system for decades and no so well understood by those lacking in intellect, desire, will, and so on so forth. It's easy to see how the system wares people down in order to prevent overflow. Others in the service or employed that might concede to this client point of view would be those whom are said to be 'burnt out' - Others who are still working in the filed are of course not going to see or at least not give credence and this is how we often end up being told we have a different perspective than those relegated are more equipped that us. Therefore our instability has us seeing it all wrong where those who we think are bias in their conduct towards us are seen as can do no wrong. The latter goes back to the game of Physicals/Congenial/neurological Vs Mental. Now I know I have not even come close to being coherence for most reading, but I sense you at least get the gist from your replies regardless of different labels.

I am not meaning to make it US and Them - I am alluding to the 'imperfect system' and how it sets the scene and aims as well as imperfections re conduct and outcomes. Whilst some would think it offensive, cynical and or just plain negative to call this whole drama nothing but a GAME, I would say adopting such a take is probably the best way to find a solution in order to stay sane! Learn the rules no matter how inconsistent they be. Learn to deal with the conflicts by picking them apart and BUILDING A CASE FROM SCRTACH IF NEED BE! Design your relationships, connections, reports, and on and so forth ensuring each one connects with the other by highlighting the inconsistencies with counter reasoning that probes the complexities of multiple conditions ensuring you prioritize the variables that fit the boxes for you. The latter is important because you have to keep it real! Keeping it real will ensure those supports you draw in will work for you. Often this means you have to learn as much as you can about what the system requires than you have to learn your conditions inside out and feed back to those professionals and support staff making the assessments and reports. It's a fine line to be sure when dealing with so many different opinions. Get rid of anyone service/professional/individual that you sense is not in line with your philosophy/line of thinking.

Forgive me if I go on too much here ... but I want to share how this fucking game is played. How to play it well and keep it real! To keep it genuine for your own unique case. Do not let other rule you in the decision making. Yes there are RULES! Probably the key point to seeing it as a game. Many of these professionals do not want to work hard for you. You have to win the over and make them see you are a special case and work with them in a way that let's them see you more as an opportunity rather than a hard case. Sigh ... Be careful of the whole self diagnosis drama. I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT 'TRAP!' You will be seen as a doctor hopper like someone after meds. Better yet - go for those who are more into the healthier versions of self help methodologies and learn about those. Once you find 'people' who want to help and identify the imperfections of the system and enjoy your feedback and willingness to work on oneself - these are the types of professional who can make their reports count!
__________________________________________________ ________

I try to give brief summery from the start before I even got on Disability Pension as the system I have come up with to help myself in a toxic system is more about surviving in a process that many people can't even get into and yet if they do - many become consumed in a way that is questionable regarding the project aims.

When I used front up at the local employment agencies? That's the place I should start out because this is where I had to learn the fucking game or set myself on fire. Remember that story?

I know I am going on a bit ... and really what I am saying I guess might only be something I can understand. That said, I will give myself more credit and expose what I can regardless of all the little sheep looking on in disgust. If you want to do more than just survive in this world ... then you have to play the BS game. let me get Cuppa before I continue with this book.

ENTER

Ponder

05-12-2021, 06:17 AM

WOW - where did that come from? I'll stand by it none the less. I was on a roll there but since I decided to have milo instead of coffee and the following vibes now settling me somewhat - ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0V-NaDPAUGU

So in the end before I was pensioned off, it all came down to me sitting down pleading behind the desk of a stand-in manager of an employment agency. With a petrol can, a rope and lighter in hand I begged and pleaded my case, that I had to go to such extremes as all their staff were not hearing me. I had originally planned to play this role with my case worker - however when I was finally called forward and told she was not in, I requested to see the manager. Eventually a young girl came out and I then pondered for a split second if I should put this girl through my intention. It was too late - the universe was moving so I decided in the end it was probably better to play this game with a managerial position. I had sat down sweating over the petrol can reciting in my head over and over "The Power of Intention" I was sick of living the lie that these employment agencies would have me do from day to day and it was a slow, painful agonizing death that was dragging on year after year. The conflicts they were putting me through and the indignity of being treated the way I was lead me to tears as I continued to please that I needed people to start hearing me. I am pleased to say that the petrol can was at least empty. I told the young girl that it was a precursor to what I would do if people continued to ignore me. That said it was a huge deal and not easy for me to to such extremes despite being so desperate. A mental heath division of the police came and assessed me and left without charging me but not before ensuring I would receive the appropriate support. I finally found a therapist who listened to me.

What can I say? This is no doubt an extreme example of playing the game. Although when you go to these lengths, people will not accuse you of playing games. Suddenly it becomes serious. Go Figure!!! Thus began my system of countering those who would throw mental health forms at me and tell me it's not their role. They literally come back from the printer and carelessly threw a stapled collection of forms at me from across table that may as well of hit my face. "Not our problem!" in as many words. So I made it one that could not be disputed. Since those times, linking people up has become more of a thing rather than throwing paper at people. I would also note this is how first used the self help guidance I was teaching myself from the internet. Hence reciting to myself "The Power of Intention!"
__________________________________________

But how does living the lie apply to others & or how can others understand the conflicts that lead so many of us to extremes?
Fact is despite exhibiting traits that had earlier been brought to my attention as aspergers like symptoms that I never really cared to learn about at that time and has since been categorized within the spectrum of autism - yadda yadda - there was really nothing WRONG with me. In fact I excelled and still do at many things. Just not within the realms of society. Now talking like that will have me labeled as something else. Point and Case here with the previous revelations is to solely expose how labels work when it comes to boxing individuals whom are more looked upon as conflicts to an imperfect system. In this light many of us are the same regardless of having different labels. Before I discovered the teachings of Eckhart Tolle I really learned how to take on these labels and I mean take them on in a way that I made a profession out of. That's not to say what I connected with was not real. What I did was learn what society wanted and really embraced it as the devout little boy I knew myself to be. I just felt it was time to take on those papers that these public servants would often throw in my face and that I would play that role to the T! Given my history and the stage I had just set - it was easy although the system would still require me to up the ante with respect to public outburst just to be heard that little more.

I could tell you many stories where authorities required more pain and suffering to be inflicted before you could either receive help or once again 'be heard!' That's when you get those News Stories with people saying things like "How on earth could a human do such a thing?" It's actually quite easy for people to be driven to insanity that either inflicts pain and suffering on themselves or others. I was smart enough to make my protest in a place that I knew would get attention as doing it in your own home ... no one cares. At any rate I am pleased to say that I wised up and could see that role was only good for one or two presentations as consistently playing that act is just being puppeted. Fact is once I started getting the right kind of therapy I no longer needed to play that role in order to be heard.

The thing I tell people who complain about their situation whether it be in a J-O-B, Relations, School or whatever - is then if you don't want that then what are you prepared to do? Of course it's easy to say once you are no longer in a touch position. For me I would walk out of the Job into the streets without a care for the world. I guess for me my prejudicial childhood had given me the advantage of having hit rock-bottom before even starting out in life. Of course I was fucked up in other areas and my ability (super power) to attach to the 'required' labels quickly becomes a disadvantage as I heed and understand Eckhart Tolle's philosophy on the pitfall of over-identification. You see, even though I now find myself seemingly in an arena said to be of less expectation - society still requires that I prove myself to be permanently disabled. Like I understand the concept of warranting supports but if you actually identify as broken and in need of constant improving - then you will always be puppeted on strings.

This is no longer guide! You see I am lost in this game and just as much a slave no matter what role I choose to play. I just don't tow the line easily and work around the BS society expects of me. Everything I said before in my previous post still stands. It is how I have been surviving. This post - it just reminds me of the futility ... the BS - the Pretentious society that we live in. Everyone is BSing themselves on some level or other. It's just rare that people are willing to call themselves out. Me - what label do I require to fit the bill? I am them all! I need not pretend. We can all be them all! How low do you want to go? Sigh.

I don't need help! Nope not me! I am not a nut case! I'm not retarded! No way, that is just not cool! We'll - unless you can be on some level ... you will never understand me. You want to be normal in this normal world? You can have it! FTW.

You don't have to be homeless or from the bottom rung to present as retarded. Although that word is to much of a complement for otherwise sheep whom think they have it all worked out. Most people in society are suffering from mental illness. This world is fucking insane and many people like Tolle are saying it over and over. Yet for many of us that do not have the income we must continue to play the game.

Alas how to play ... how to be in the world but not of the world. How to live the lie yet not succumb to the conflict of living like so? That there is the question for me.

I think I can accept being a by product of the world that receives a disability pension for good reason. But to be part of a system that requires me to be broken year after year ... that is another thing entirely. That there be the making of societal ideals. The workings of the human meat market that has not time for humanity on any level. The system presents the deception of having moral guides when in reality its just a slave market that runs the never ending all consuming machine.

How much of myself have I lost since being on NDIS? How toxic are these reviews? I may very well have to research if my pension would be at risk if I stop playing that game. Fact is I no longer have the energy to play like I used to. Perhaps that is a good thing? hmmmmmm

Ponder

05-12-2021, 06:18 AM

cont ... All good ... just trying to make sense of it all. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I still don't know shit. I do know that this existence and the rule made are as toxic as they can get. They are most certainly made for the benefit of the few where the sheep then take out their dissatisfaction on their fellow man. All the love and light only exists within the stories found online and no where to be seen outside our front door. Just more deception to sell another system of rules. Best I can do is hang in there and share my own light with my family as I often do when not feeding back my hear felt issues online. To be sure there is no disputing we have made a good home despite this fucked up world but that is down to our own efforts and not some fucked up system that seeks to have us beholden. The way I was just treated at my review will see me NEVER participate at the level they wish for me to do. NEVER! Fuck them and fuck their world. I proudly say I will just jump the hoops but they will never have my compliance in the way they wish it. I'm not self made - I will always remain a byproduct of this world and nothing else. That said, I will however continue to live in my head and make quality connections that see me prosper no matter how insignificant I am implied to be for my non-compliance. Fact is - I think in this world we are best to keeping the number of people in our lives to a bare minimum. People being what they are today and all.

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz what the fuck ever - into the void soon enough. I welcome the void - I am the void - the void is me. Way way more peaceful than anything on this world could ever hope to be. Into the void I go tonight.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Keep pretending - or call it for what it is and hope that one day others will also stop bullshitting. I much prefer people without filters - less deception.

Mistakes are only given ... not made! Keep them to yourself and learn your own fucking lessons. FUCK SOCIETY & FUCK ME. :)

Program Deleted! __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ________________________

salvator here

05-12-2021, 08:39 AM

WOW - where did that come from? I'll stand by it none the less. I was on a roll there but since I decided to have milo instead of coffee and the following vibes now settling me somewhat - ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0V-NaDPAUGU
Thanks for sharing that vid, I'll give a try tonight when I'm wound up.

Well.. it came from a deep place within your being and I think you're right, not everyone will understand that level of (I'll use the word) "expelling" (comes to mind). I got/felt it. I keep wanting to say I hope you feel "better"; but, perhaps, I think, I mean I hope you feel "free" (from the conflicted torment that is poison to our psyche).

I understand Milo is akin to Ovaltine here in the US - I do enjoy it now and again :)

Ponder

05-12-2021, 03:40 PM

I'm trying to keep it together. I have to go and buy some appropriate clothes today for the impending court case. After that I have to write up my own affidavit. I guess I just needed to get out all the toxic thoughts bouncing around in my head. That review officer really made things worse is all yet I mean not to start blaming others as I know well how blame and shame only makes things worse.

The letter from the young girl (about 16) re her father's abuse (our grandsons father as well) is still also very much bouncing around in my head. That's a police worthy notification with a high level of risk yet the complexities of the case and just about every falibility I previously mentioned in last post re society just makes these revelations more hopeless and insane.

Sigh ... I will somehow find compassion for myself in an effort to find helpful words soon enough.

For now I go and get those pretentious clothes I do not do so well in. It more akin to prison clothing from my point of view. Not because of anything I have done, but more so because of compliance like a mask for the muzzling. Go figure that one. Just like the wigs of authority. Robes and all that. Such a toxic place that shows exactly where society fails through the exterior is values over life itself. Each side is as prone to failure as the other. Alas unhelpful I know. Still expelling.

I go get ready to find my own BS clothes.

I'm still in a bit of a spiral. I'll find more hopeful words soon enough. I have too for my grandson sake. We always seem to do and he is doing very well. This space does not reflect my everyday life out of this forum. It's more a space that I use so I can keep living and live as well as I know only how. Just like my grandson ... my reports too as pretty good. It's just people that really suck and 'oh' how the wrong ones can cripple good reports. Just have to make sure I don't cripple myself in that wake.

The way in which we approach things is key. I cheer up soon.

Ponder

05-12-2021, 09:41 PM

Ended up getting great service and feel like a million bucks in my new strides despite my reservations. More positive reports coming in and nothing but damning evidence regarding the father. I should be able to put together a relevant affidavit and with all things considered should do well enough for my part on the day. Still some weeks away but is good to be well prepared.

Time to get back to work on my general health - outdoor exospore and all that. Balance out my general routine without too much focus on these negative thoughts. They have come and now they have gone. Time to put on an older record by saying it's time to go with what works.

salvator here

05-13-2021, 08:09 AM

Time to get back to work on my general health - outdoor exposure and all that. Balance out my general routine without too much focus on these negative thoughts. They have come and now they have gone. Time to put on an older record by saying it's time to go with what works.Exactly :)

Ponder

05-13-2021, 02:46 PM

Speaking about old records/tunes. Your last remix link lead me to finding the following clip:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qx2gvHjNhQ0

I went for a walk at 5:30am this morning. Temp was 42F/6C - 30 mins - Dark with only one by-passer and several cars max. Location - inner suburban windy block with one main road kept to a bare minimum. Nose level was acceptable. Look forward to doing again.

PS - started introducing some healthy foods like lemon water and morning oats with small amounts of fruit and veggies.

salvator here

05-14-2021, 08:09 AM

That's awesome, Ponder :)

Ponder

05-15-2021, 04:53 AM

Well my good friend - I may stray into the serious stuff here and there as I tackle my affidavit this weekend. It's really hard to write not just because of the trauma related stuff re my grandson, but because of the legal format and the strong preference to cut out anything that has already been raised in past hearings and or my wife's affidavit. Excuse me while I think out loud.

The dilemma in that is there is a huge amount that means so much that when cutting it out it looses the essence to my otherwise concerns. Other legal constraints are the disclosers of the teenager daughter falling into the category of sill to young to have her revelations submitted for her own protection, yet withholding the information in those telling's also puts our grandson at risk. Hmmm - There is only one other person I can come up with outside the family who has head disclosures of abuse from our grandson who wrote a letter detailing quite a bit. I'm pretty sure I can work something out.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Going to wind down now. Draining stuff.

Ponder

05-15-2021, 02:17 PM

Morning Folks: The following is another street performance so I do apologize for the people in the background. Quite disturbing I know. lol I've linked this young one a few times before and whilst no one is perfect in that she is slowly growing up to which I then find her performances seemingly loosing their charm - just like with all us grown up. Hmmmm That said kids loose that much much quicker this day and age and perhaps it's more a case I am being fooled with tunes that charm me ... nar ... I am too raw for that. Where was I ... are yes. I find it to be a very pleasing tune either way and her performance in this one seems true enough for the title of the song. Once again - if I could I would blot out the people in the background despite those few not jealous and suicidal. LOL ... I must admit I have been laughing out loud a lot this weekend as I sit staring into space. Hell my daughter even comment "Dad, who are you laughing at?" I smiled knowing I had an opportunity to make her laugh and simply replied "why the voices in my head of course!" It worked - she gave me one of her beautiful smiles which I always love to see. Arrrrrrrrr what the fuck ever Davy Boy.

THINKING OUT LOUD - Resonates and seems well played to me ... and hats off:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX87Gz4diCw

I wrote a comment somewhere but can't find it now. YouTube commenters crying (as they & I now 'appear' to do) about the onlookers who where sad (but are they - bitter/ confused/ mesmerized in their own way - possibly not even sad at all) to which I also just commented on in this here post. I think I made an allowance by saying that such reflects society instability and that they will work it out once we all find our tune. Something like that. The way I figure it is that when we keep complaining about people the way we do, we are pretty much just disappointed in a combinations of things. Like I can say and it is often easily said by others "That your just disappointed in yourself ..." & whilst I just came up with that and can easily connect with it, it's NOT JUST THAT ... is it? It can also be how we all tune in and that often being so easily to the negative vibes and that those waves in itself is not be the unhealthy thing - but the lack of acknowledgement in how it is that we are so easily swayed feeling overwhelmed and exposed to whatever energy; healthy or unhealthy. One's perspective or point of view with tolerance levels all factored in which once again plays into what I just said. Thus - what I am trying to say ... we can keep blaming PEOPLE for whatever but doing so is not going to help ourselves. That said - FUCK PEOPLE. ;) Once again chuckles out loud. Whatever works right? hehe

Sigh. Here's to keeping sane and seeing the beauty among all that instability. I find in many ways all that undesirable backwash of contorted faces as seen by & in humans (again reflection of everyone) kind of makes the performance as much a good watch as those moments the crowed is joining in with like spirit. I mean it really is all moments as those one day that a jumping for joy can be found struggling in other moments. So it is that we go from day to day ... Perspective is everything. How to change one view without moving one's feet? Now that is a powerful thing. We all perform in whatever we do - trouble is we are our own worse critics and love doing that to everyone else. I admit I have been toxic of late hating people with a passion. I think I can start writing a little nicer in my own way regardless of still being misread or misinterpreting. In that regard I find it way better to perform than not. Having one's performance gauged is not nice - that's because like it or not ... society has us all living in cages. I think this little girl already knows but is clearly doing what works for her ...

My suggestion is to keep THINKING OUT LOUD! Lest those voices you say you don't have keep us uncountably laughing. No need to be labeled a skitzo (no offence to my friends) in order to lose the plot. Oh yea -all those out there who feel all bubbly when viewing art but then look down on others because they can not see the beauty as they do - they are just as fucked up. Not meaning to express malice (although hard not to do when identifying the human condition) but more meaning just how two faced we all be. Working on it ... what else is there to say? I'll find something soon enough.

Have a good day/evening!

Ponder

05-15-2021, 08:44 PM

Just coming up for air. Have been really deep into my affidavit getting up and down rewriting, contemplating, discussing with me wife then back into it - huge intervals of thought and tapping away at the keyboard and so on. Just finished a full on deep fried heart attack lunch. Sigh ... hehe ... whatever works right?

You know I just took another look at the crowed in above video and probably should not of feed into those few responses that picked up on the melancholy of so many. Clearly a case as where comments reflect ones on self worth. I do it all the time myself. At any rate I could discern a little better with observations on the second time around after writing the above.

Mouse over the time bar when watching the video if you wish to play along when using the provided timestamps:

Video begins (https://youtu.be/qX87Gz4diCw) with a women in white pants and very light pink top videoing the performer from her phone (with pleasing and intrigued expression) whom herself is connected with the boy standing central in background with blue t-shirt and hands in pocket. The gentleman also to connected to the boy's right. The boy in the beginning at first glance seems distracted as he listens to both the music/performer and the dialogue coming form the gentleman where at 14 seconds (https://youtu.be/qX87Gz4diCw?t=12) in he starts to smile, which then tappers off at the 27 second mark (https://youtu.be/qX87Gz4diCw?t=23)with clasped lips staring into a zone I'll just phrase as 'the momentary void.' At this same point the three characters in this observation a similarly somewhat captivated until at the 34 second mark (https://youtu.be/qX87Gz4diCw?t=32) the boy disengages from his mesmerized moment to make contact with the older gentleman who in turn makes contact with the lady at the exact time she turns her head toward him whilst putting the phone down and the three proceeding to walk off all smiling. It's around 40 second in now with plenty of obs to go thereafter as well as overlay those of others taking place during that same time.

Observation Number 2.
At the beginning of 10 seconds enters a women in a purple zipper top that has a hood. She has greyish white hair and a bag over her right shoulder. Long story short she seems to be connected to a group of 5 individuals who could be easily misinterpreted on casual glances regarding those making comments about miserable people looking on this performance.

This observation is more complex - LOL- right now I best get back to my affidavit.

Fun stuff though hey? I often get caught up on the background like so when watching street performances. Nice to know I am not the only complex case out there.

Hope you morning/day/afternoon/evening is going well. :)

salvator here

05-16-2021, 06:51 AM

I'm reading; Ponder. Thinking of you today :)

Ponder

05-18-2021, 05:16 AM

Cheers Sal - Hope all is well. I've been going full steam since last Friday on my affidavit and still into it. Here is a little distraction that I found helpful. Two quality actors. Nice to see Leonard Nimoy again as too John de Lancie. The two together is even better! I hope you like it as much as I did.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kTlGmmU4ao

Ponder

05-18-2021, 03:32 PM

Militant Parents Whos Children Take A Back Seat Whilst their Jobs and Egos Come First:

Photo taken down on request of my wife ... so I have taken another one from the INTERNET to keep the essence of my point.

https://i.ibb.co/Bwwv7XW/Typical-handmark-on-the-left-cheek-with-a-handprint.png

Flag Flyers and Child Bashers ... Back into my affidavit but not with nearly as much poetry.

Is this how you treat your children/toddlers when they interrupt your train of though? So true of Society today in other facets that equate with similar results although somewhat less visible yet leaves an impression for life. Professional abusers that leave no visible marks, just broken spirits. These heavy handed, thick skinned and heartless individuals are the type that tell those they peg beneath them to learn from their mistakes and move on. Just like that Review Officer working for the disabled re my other post. It's a systemic issue to be sure and why I will always reject the NEWS, Authority and all other facets of Society so many sheep are willing to defend. Back to the drawing board to help minimize the complex and chronic nature of future labels for my grandson as if this shit it allowed to continue he too will just be another notch on societies belt. FUCK SOCEITY AND ALL THE DUMB CUNTS THAT CANT SEE BEYOND THE CESSPOOL!!!

Patriots / Racists / Secularists / Separatists & 'Main Stream Sheep' ... BEWARE!

Do not filter - but inform - Report ... do what it takes to expose any form of abuse and fuck what anyone else thinks.

Ponder

05-18-2021, 10:57 PM

Yea yea. The reality no one wants to know about. Back to Netflix, fast food and comfy transport. Well affidavit pretty much done now. Just needs to be polished and formatted. No lessons to learn - but moving on in my own time and at my own pace. What's next? Pretty much been without sun since last Friday so might start working on that out in my yard. Have got a sore throat and given we have had a little sickness in the family seems I will have a week of that if not careful or just bad luck.

Moving on ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iw86MN39h60

Off for a bike ride ...

salvator here

05-19-2021, 05:50 AM

I just woke up ( 7:45AM ) and the first thing I did was come here to see you.

Glad you're done with your paperwork and now you can get back to recovering and get some sun. I didn't go out Friday or Saturday either but I did get out yesterday and it was nice (80 degrees and lots of sun). Hopefully it will help stave off any major sickness.

Hope the bike ride went well and I guess its almost 10 there, so good rest might help as well.

Feel better and take care.

Ponder

05-19-2021, 04:34 PM

Very kind of you Sal. Yea healthy sun exposure is so much better than are regular doses. I've contracted a very sore throat and found it hard to sleep last night but feeling optimistic with all things considered.

My intent to do the bike ride was overcome by the sore throat so thought better of it. That said that sun hitting my plants now looks very inviting. I go setup my chair in that ling and do some reading.

I am feeling better despite being overcome with virus and well take care.

Thanks again for your kind words. Please go shed your positivity across the forum as you often do. I like it when I come back and see Sal has posted everywhere. hehehe. Also when Camille does that to. Hope you are well too Camille.

Later guys. I do have the capacity for brighter days and ensure I share those with my family on a regular basis. Creating happy memories helps to fade the damaging ones. https://i.ibb.co/jgnndTC/suny-large-icon.gif

Ponder

05-23-2021, 03:46 PM

Time to get up and start the week with a little sun. I think I am on the mend. Thinking seriously about the covid vaccine but not sure what strain to get or if I even get a choice. The latter making me think it's futile whatever way I go. Will think more on it later. I qualify for the over 50 flavor whatever that is. I do know Australia is a testing ground for the world on a lot of issues. Chuckles with that thought. Sigh ... choices choices hey? Ponders the deeper meaning of choice as defined by a society that specializes in mass control. What to do. What to do indeed. Whatever way ... if I do choose to take at this stage of the 'game' I need to get myself into a fit condition to endure the blood clots that are most notably killing the odd vaccine receiver. Is happening to friend of the family but they are in thier 70's so I might be able to get away with it by taking drugs to help thin the blood during the transition I undergo when I front up for the preverbal jab. Although I would only do that for a short time as I hear thinning the blood long term like that for non heart patients in not a good idea and comes with side affects? Your thoughts?

Until later ... here's hoping my chest clears up some today. cough COUGH! Still gurgling a little with slight irritation ... Please not another bout of pneumonia http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/saying-a-prayer-smiley-emoticon.gif ...

... but strength slowly returning. ;)

Ponder

05-24-2021, 12:53 AM

Good Ol Jerry Lewis - RIP you old fart! Made it to 90 and I dig his pain in mores ways than one. From what I can tell he seems to attract a lot of haters similar to how Tom cruise does although different dynamics to be sure. The more people hate on him the more I seem to understand him. I was surprised to see Beverly Hills Cop pop out when he did. He does an awesome 9 year old jerry himself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej-7TYJK_uY

I think I will finally recover after tonight. My chest is much clearer now. No longer any fear of chest infection ... https://i.ibb.co/Lrr2N3F/icon-wood-2.gif

I think I might even go push the electric mower over the front lawn. Edit ... Done! Tomorrow. I see if I can do edging and then start in the back yard.

IAmCamille

05-24-2021, 07:18 AM

Greatest Jerry Lewis impersonation I've seen!

salvator here

05-24-2021, 09:25 AM

Lol .. my word, that was really funny :D

Ponder

05-24-2021, 07:32 PM

Got my daily dose of sun.

https://i.ibb.co/rx3y1Nn/TAFE-POND.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/Y8dY0Sd/somthing-different.jpg

Ponder

05-25-2021, 04:51 AM

I even got in a night ride on my bike. I'd been looking forward to the arrival of my MTB handle 'bar-ends' and added a mirror for extra confidence when riding on the road. I can't remember if I have shown my new bicycle off since getting it ... if so, here it is again. Not that you can make it out to well at this time of day, at this time of year. At any rate this image is not really about the bicycle but more the scene for what it is. The esplanade which I don't ride on is about several meters elevated and approx. 30 meters back.

https://i.ibb.co/Qk49CkD/Night-Ride.jpg

I read your response Camille. Figured I would make a note and leave yours as the last word back there. You pretty much nailed it for me but it can still be a complex issue depending on one's circumstance, resolve and moreover one's innate alignment (belief is not something I can gell with anymore) and whether or not one is in sync or tune with said dynamic. That said point's of view often change with time. The following is where I am at and how it relates to me: I have to admit I have been struggling big time with each passing year as the dynamics in my immediate relationship/s have seen me become somewhat more lonelier than I had expected. I have a number of points from which to view my situation from.

I've mentioned before that although married, I sleep in 'another' room. Further revelation would be that my wife pushes me away when I attempt a hug. Whilst I can respect her wishes regarding sex and lack thereof (none) due to her level/condition of 'multiple sclerosis primary progressive' and resultant depression that comes with such a debilitating disease, I do struggle very much with the lack of intimacy with no touch. For me, that's like being starved of oxygen. Sleeping in separate rooms is no big deal and pretty common, but my wife's depression and choice for distancing with no touch and the constant pushing away is something I could rate as toxic to my health in as much as someone one might claim receiving no nutrition is as good as poison. Yet - I accept her demeanor in the full understanding of what her illness presents for her and how that in turn eats away at her in the same way my own predispositions whittle away at me. The latter mindset being one of those points of view that does not focus on how much I am missing out because I am not getting the touch or connection that I feel would be best for me. We have a lot of history and been fighting many battles for many years on top of our so called disabilities.

Our situation is a clear example where new wave thinking often leads many couples to separating where the typically the less afflicted one leaves in order to save their self. At other times the sicker one may typically push the other away. I'm not suggesting either is wrong or right. Time lines in respect to ones distance traveled on what path and how much tolerance left with that being rutted paths Vs smooth sailing, as to endurance Vs avoidance with the latter highlighting the contrast between different points within different journeys. All this just my own way of stepping back and finding solace in knowing in discerning the difference between cutting people out of my life that are not a priority without the need to label them or there being as toxic. So often this is how people separate holding onto some element of blame and shame having to reason why they disconnect. This playing more into my other post where I alluded that today in my view society has a massive problem with individuals unable to work through relationships because of ideals that lead people to so easily and quickly disconnect as a means of self preservation with self being more important than anyone else point blank. To be sure there is an element of self respect and self discipline but this is not the way I am reading said ideals as the reason for not learning to sit in one's discomfort. Most of us just sit and wallow. I hold myself accountable in this here now pondering and for sure is more my issue.

Alas - I have an awesome bright spark in my grandson as it turns out and the connection I have with him is more than enough to keep me engine turning. I've been rutted and struggling with the whole self that is missing out on things that my few friends could never imagine going without. Hell, even my phycologist the other day brought this all out of me and basically hung his shoulders lower than mine saying "Dave, I never knew..." He means well and he was not twisting my elbow or anything. This last week fighting off whatever virus has left me feeling pretty low and he was just trying to help. Now he has learned another facet about me as too maybe some others in here and how I process living like so. The solution for my issue is simple. Deciding a point of view and knowing I can easily reject the wide array spanning the internet that would have me think and feel a certain way. Because that's just it, as you get older and you have seen it all before, the BS society sells in all this would be ideals is more damaging than the toxicity that it would have you fear. We are so spoiled in this day and age with so many choices, devices and comforts and any level of the rung that imo what others claim to be a comfortable well off society in so called first class nations, is more like a prison for slaves that are fed fear in order to keep grinding the mill that ultimately feeds those holding the keys. The ideals that so many lap up are just programs designed to work like blue pill (https://www.google.com/search?q=red+pill+blue+pill&rlz=1C1CHBF_en-GBAU923AU923&sxsrf=ALeKk02-jK5JYFCcZc3RXMbEBV_ewlrJ-g%3A1621938921593&ei=6dKsYIvBI8r1juMPu4WbyAo&oq=red+pill+blue+pill&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAMyBwgjELACECcyBwgjELACECcyBgg AEAcQHjIGCAAQBxAeMgYIABAHEB4yBggAEAcQHjIECAAQDTIEC AAQDTIECC4QDTIECAAQDToKCCMQsAIQsAMQJzoHCAAQsAMQDTo NCAAQsQMQxwMQsAMQDToHCC4QsAMQDVDrD1i6FGCqFWgCcAB4A IABgAKIAfgDkgEDMi0ymAEAoAEBqgEHZ3dzLXdpesgBCcABAQ&sclient=gws-wiz&ved=0ahUKEwjL2ZKq0eTwAhXKumMGHbvCBqkQ4dUDCA4&uact=5)s

Chuckles ... another wall of text. How did I go from a revelation of self indulgence regarding my loneliness into my perspective regarding societies deluded notion of an individual and what that one should regard as toxic? The fear itself in often more disabling despite the chemical composition and or equation that we have been conditioned to beleive. That book 'Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life' pretty much sums up the state of the world and how it is that people are entrapped in said system. Edit - worth noting that is just one book not unlike a sign post like many where the definitions have different meanings and directions have different ways depending on one's path, current point in existence and or distance traveled. In the end what counts most to me, is that I do my own etching and come to my own conclusions that is flexible, always open and never ending.

:)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDCS19EOsrA

"I really don't know..." (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2p_AF-MRodk) -

salvator here

05-25-2021, 03:56 PM

Its nice to see you getting outside again, and thank you for the pictures, very nice to see them.

I Read every word and I think you're doing the best you can given your situation.

salvator here

05-25-2021, 04:37 PM

Honestly, know I can relate, I have very serious issues with intimacy. I don't know. I've not had sex (with another person) in around 20 years and don't ever intend to, but I do understand. I don't know. Only had sex 3 times in my entire life. What I want/need doesn't exist. So hard to explain.
Alas - I have an awesome bright spark in my grandson as it turns out and the connection I have with him is more than enough to keep me engine turning. I've been rutted and struggling with the whole self that is missing out on things that my few friends could never imagine going without. Hell, even my phycologist the other day brought this all out of me and basically hung his shoulders lower than mine saying "Dave, I never knew..." He means well and he was not twisting my elbow or anything. This last week fighting off whatever virus has left me feeling pretty low and he was just trying to help. Now he has learned another facet about me as too maybe some others in here and how I process living like so. Actually, my therapist knows everything about me now and understands my issues with trust. I don't know. I'm sorry if I was not helpful to you. So glad your grandson has YOU.

Ponder

05-25-2021, 08:27 PM

I can't remember a time that anything you have said has not been helpful Sal - The connections we few make in places such as these are just as helpful as sunlight can be. Sometimes I just need to bring some shades along when it's been too long. Thanks for the acknowledgement and sharing like so. I typically roll my eyes these days or fast forward when TV, Books and or Film get overly caught up in the swapping of bodily fluids. ZZZZzzzzzz Great way to ruin a good story and when it comes to sci-fi going down like wise tangent - it's game over for me. Like I am not adverse to a good romance every now and then and when I am, what I like is not on par with main stream ass grabbing and sex competitions that you see with competitive shows such as the TV series Spartacus, ROME, Game of Thrones and all the others that love to give the audience a good porn star showing - The drug wares off after a while and or once you grow up such antics become more annoying filler content where you can be sure there are many viewers watching "Righto, hurry the %#@! up and get on with the rest of the story!!! Or perhaps I am just on my own with such point of view. To be fair romance has more going for it but generally still prone to the human condition which just brings out the worst in people. Is hard to find good wholesome viewing these days which is fair enough given the state of people and the way we all live. Blood, Gore and SEX is pretty much the staple of 90% if not more on netflix and or even commercial TV if you have half a brain to see. Problem with commercial TV is the amount of conditioning in-between and during the screening. At least with netflix your just lapping up the garbage without interruption. I think your onto a good thing with the horror. Is what it is without as much pretense ... although that might depend on the level of suspense. Some are also good for a laugh. More entertaining than watching a couple @#$! just before the best part of long awaited and drawn out scene.

WTF Ever - anywayyyyssss

Here is some more images. I share one of my plants doing pretty well in the cool weather. The zygocactus has started budding well with a few now blooming:

FRONT & CENTER:
https://i.ibb.co/NKY1mvG/Main-Topic.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/W62TVK7/Budding.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/DKJ0J1t/Closer.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/tXgSYSy/Main-Subject.jpg

Ponder

05-25-2021, 08:40 PM

I think what I more mean or with what I was getting at re the addiction with the amount of #@%!ING and Dominating! to arousing today's viewers is not unlike when 'Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius' burst forth from his cage and wipes out his competition in an unceremonious way and shouts to the crowed "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!!!" "ARE YOU NOT @#&!ING ENTERTAINEEEDDD!!!" I too view our society and just about all those in it in much the same way. Even when they are being challenged in such a way, the crowed then start cheering for him when he basically just called the all a bunch of degenerates for turning up to such on event. So too we still have generations upon generations of idiots that lap up and thrive on such degenerating ways of being.

That's all I meant. Does that make more sense? I too like to cheapen and bring a quick end to said BS when I see it. That is all ... I guess. In that regards that context to that blood and gore has a good point. For me not a bad scene and that coming from someone that is also over the violence as well. Just another form of big dick syndrome that extends to both genders more than ever before. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ponder

05-26-2021, 03:57 AM

Off to bed ... thought I best lighten up with this one:

I don't care if he %#@!s Chickens ....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTTBgRneeWE

salvator here

05-26-2021, 12:39 PM

Thank you, I never get sick of Robin.

Ponder

05-27-2021, 08:29 AM

Late night login ... 30 minutes off 1AM ... Working on a 7km distance zoom Panoramic Stitch that is dead on 1km wide ... using Google to identify the region I've imaged. Using topographic maps to pinpoint start and end points. It's been fun and I have lost track of time. I ended up riding my bike a few km's to get a good angle across the bay. I best listen to some relaxation tunes to wind down. Has been a good distraction for me.

Not really eating clean but getting up a sweat with the bicycle riding. Cough is still lingering damn it!

Hope all is well ... goodnight ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 12:30am

salvator here

05-27-2021, 11:47 AM

That sounds like fun - can't wait to see more of your pictures - those last ones are beautiful!

Ponder

05-28-2021, 06:49 AM

Too long to read? Try this → link (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OEL4P1Rz04) if your want to chill. Is what I was listening to whilst writing this one up. I'll be referring back to it.

Yea Sal ... it is fun. Sometimes it can bog me down but I'm all for it as I find the creative process helps to alleviated the negative mind sets I'm often prone to. You and the others have been patient with me so is good to share something of worth back. I've been making an effort to recover from the ordeal of having to do that court affidavit. Does not surprise me I got sick after doing that.

The photos/images I am working on are not clear images but will do for my purposes. Just saying don't expect much in the way of clear sharp images. The compact super zoom is more about long range photography for sharing on the net with very little focus on pixel perfection. It's why I use digital filters and use them often. I like the 'less than real effects' as I don't really regard reality in the same way I used to. I've mentioned a few times that I never really got on in the photography forums. Not because I can't pull off great shots with good equipment. I was doing well with polished images and mediocre prosumer gear but sold it all off as my desire took a major hit over the years. I really don't like competitive attitudes and admit I struggle with the ego when it comes to such things. Hard to explain ... coming from a guy that actually likes to cross at the Ts and do the best he can. Lately I try not to be like that - but maybe clean up my dyslexia when I have the energy to edit for easier reading.

I will share some of my old images from time to time as my ... hmmmmm ... 'will' to take photos momentarily comes back into focus . For now I much prefer the solitude I find in long range photography. Such keeps me out of the lime light. Photos from kilometers away taking in the landscape and various people from a distance with pixelated results + some filtering is more fun for me at the moment. Feels safer and more comfortable. So far so good, with keeping active and getting out and about; even if only a couple of hours.
_________________________________________

The setup location with the best angle made itself available around low tide which then also offered up the late afternoon sun. This helped the lacking sensor size of my little compact get a little more detail with greater luminosity and better shadows which give better depth perception. I tried a few other locations with my support worker earlier in the day, but later when I got a call from my son decided to jump on my bicycle and ride back to the previous location. Once I got to my spot I thanked my son for accompanying me, politely explained that I was unable to multitask; as I was deep in thought focusing on new observations re the same day's subject. I was up till 1am the following morning.

Upon seeing the tide had gone out, I was no longer content shooting from the shore line. I decided to push my bike out across the rocks to get a better angle. I would of left my bike locked up some distance from where I ended up - BUT - this township I live in sucks for bike theft and I simply can't afford for my bike to get stolen. I should of kept my $25 one! There was a time I would of ridden my Bicycle across the rocks but I'm now past all that given my busted shoulder now being what it is. I also don't want to chances with that. SO it was that I slowly ventured out pushing and even carrying my bike at certain points over the larger rocks until I got near the end where the sea decided it had receded far enough. I have to admit I was worried about getting back as I had not checked if the tide was going out or coming in. With this being a new spot and given my clumsy approach with bike and all across those rocks I pondered if I was doing the right thing. In the end I thought fuck it - It would not get any worse than ankle or knee deep.

Here is a shot I took fumbling with my phone despite thinking "fuck it" ... as I really did not want to get wet ... I chuckle now because all I really wanted to do after taking my photos was just sit down with my chair like I often used to. Instead ... this time I took the shot and got the hell out of there. Next time I check the tide times and be better prepared. I needed my bike lights for the return journey. Just as well I brought them along.

https://i.ibb.co/VNpBjSS/Setup-Location-Low-Tide.jpg

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Perhaps the following image shows better what I mean about my setup location:
I was about 200m in. The slipper rocks were slippery and it was slow going pushing and carrying the bike. I did not mind, but was just unsure about the tide was all and did not want to rush. The yellow lines pictures are aprox 6km to 6.7km long and 1km apart at the end location. Not in a rush with the rest of the details but will post soon enough.

https://i.ibb.co/sRpNwmL/Forum-intro-before-posting-main-topic.png

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I just like reflecting on my efforts for now. I share the following image as I reflect on then and now:

This image is with a better camera, when I was much fitter and had a full suspension bike that I actually rode over the large rocks like a balancing act. I carried a lot of gear back then and remember doing so often got in the way of just wanting to relax. That was another reason I sold most of my gear. That said I am now slowly gathering bits and pieces back ... Just not taking as much out in one go and settling for less qualtiy which is OK as I now have different goals:

https://live.staticflickr.com/4468/38026355611_b74343318a_h.jpg

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I can't beleive that even though it's only been a couple of years, how just how much I have changed in both terms of physical and mental. I just say I am OK with that fact though. I think the reason why I like to observe so much with my camera and why I have changed from nature to people and buildings has a lot to do with the changes taking place later in life regarding getting older. Not exactly wiser as I still struggle with the ego that latches onto to the same programing that society pedals with all its damn noise and endless construction. The latter something that really shows in my latest panoramic project. I do like to highlight people amongst all that insanity as they are go about their business.

Here is a shot I pulled from 4km on the shore line from said position. She is just a spec in the big picture ... but is fun drawing out the pixels to see what can be found in amongst it all. With a little compact that fits into a large pocket, I feel like the voyager 1 probe if it could feel as it did it's thing traveling the solar system ... and still is doing at some 22 billion km/s distance.
__________________________________________________ ____________________________________
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Best to refer to second image at top to get a perspective on the below image to appreciate the observational hobby that can be had with such a little compact. (Not a bridge camera - might upsize to that soon enough the P1000)

Perhaps not for everyone - but beats my binoculars and also having to cart around a terrestrial telescope. The fact it can take photos and videos is even better. I caught a guy who caught a fish not long ago. I should turn that into a little clip.

One of about eight I stitched together to make the Panoramic. Will share tomorrow if I finish OCDing over it. : )
4.1km to shore line and 6 km to middle house in background. Elevation up to 50+ meters @ highest point!
https://i.ibb.co/9n026v4/Walking-Fluff-Dog-2.jpg

Well that's a wrap with this post. Thanks for letting me share.

Until next post. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Ponder

05-30-2021, 05:49 AM

Hello peoples. Welcome once more to my backyard. Point Vernon Queensland Australia (https://www.google.com/maps/@-25.2748049,152.8450246,12395m/data=!3m1!1e3) as seen overhead via google maps in satellite mode.

Allow me to simplify. Gauge all images on the far bottom left hand corner one. I specifically took that one (albeit from the location of the blue dot not too far from my final location which was at low tide as explained in previous post) from the perspective of human vision without any optical aids. You might wonder how I can do that still looking through my camera. I just simply backed off the focal length (zoom/magnification) but not so far back as you get with most online zoom tests or ultrawide field of views that are not natural to the human eye. I zoomed in and out a few times until I thought it matched what I was seeing without the camera. The focal length to emulate the human field of view is different with different sized image sensors (different cameras) and when zooming in and out + background compression (makes background larger) can also be another variable. Having taking the shot at where I figured the human focal length was on par with a person walking by was perfect for this image to be used as a reference for distance and what this little compact camera has to offer in terms of superzoom.

See if you can follow along the pink line as described:

OK - If I explained that well enough and your still with me - then next phase of this puzzle is to focus on the PINK LINES. To me this facet highlights the potential to capture people from a very long distance regardless of the pixelated format as rendered in the displayed overlay resting above the camera in the below picture. (Person walking a dog) From that image, if you follow the pink line to the next overlay (resting above the starting red line [my bike journey]) you will find a key hole looking shaped (which I see now and kicking myself I did not etch that in more) which is the former image but now zoomed out showing you more. Most notably the afternoon sun reflecting off the barkless parts of the tree trunk 'directly in front/adjacent' (camera perspective) of the person having their pre-evening stroll. That tree acts a good marker for the panoramic layout pictured above. It's the exact same tree above it although now zoomed out yet again where the walking is but a couple of rectangular pixels directly under that tree.

Now follow the pink line back to the far bottom left hand corner image which is pretty much how I was seeing wen gazing out across the low tide towards that Dundowan Beach front without the aid of the camera's optics. Just with my own eyes + a pair of prescription glasses. Although as mentioned this was from the position of the blue dot and not where I took the panoramic shot with my bike. The distance is still pretty much the same so still works as a gauge.

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/funny/1/nerd-smiley.gif ...cont below

https://i.ibb.co/SxpnD4K/Introduction-Image.jpg

Moving On ... Just like the that tree trunk, the cropped image of the four houses on the far upper left of the overlaid panoramic show up pretty well. I'm not sure what size houses you guys live in, but it's hard to beleive that around these parts you get only couples living in some of those huge spaces. Not always, but I see a lot of couples (generally older) living it up like so. Apparently there are houses/property worth up to 2 million dollars within Dundowan / this Panoramic.

It's worth noting how the angular perspective combine with the background compression of the zoom can make it really tricky to work out with Google where all those places are at. I had to use an online topography map in conjunction with google earth + google maps to piece all the information together. This kind of became a puzzle for me which I have not yet finished playing with.

I won't go too deep into it now other than to say there is a main road running between the elevations that I refrain from listing in this shot as is busy enough. I'll save that for my next rendition as I cover more the parallel distances in-between houses as too the depth at which some are sitting back. The last house on the far right is HUGE! To the left of that is a house that sits the deepest back into the image with field that will most likely spring up more houses in the near future.

In fact that reminds me of how fast houses are going up in that area that on google map street level I would see none of the houses I was looking for until I did a satellite view. At other times I would see lots with with trucks, backhoes and other assorted building infrastructure. Dundowan does seem to have a lot of different architecture / house designs which does help in locating the different buildings. This project is a great way if your looking to find line of site for either hand held communications, drone flight paths and or just wanting to spec out photography subjects. Consolidating the use of an online topography map really helps. The current laws regarding drones make it difficult for recitational users. As you can tell from the above image I could not help myself. I would have to do a mars flyover of every back yard. Laughs out loud.

I have a couple of ideas for the near future with perhaps the use of the much smaller drones for simple near field shot ... but that is about all. Google is the only drone footage I need with my super zoom. At least for now.

I think this post is complete enough. Not sure when but I'll get around to showing that panoramic soon enough. I need to focus more on the big picture as I consider my next subject whilst learning from this one.

PS - other than using the image in far bottom right hand corner to gauge ... you can also refer to where those two yellow lines converge - re the 2D overhead google map view being where I was with my bike looking through my little camera. Hoping I would not drown as I tried to avoid an incoming tide.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Goodnight.

Ponder

05-31-2021, 07:55 AM

Unfortunately I do not have a paid image hosting site. This means I am unable to share the higher resolutions images which is how panoramic should be shared. I am setting up to download my Flikr Data to free up space and or create a new account where hopefully I can share pics that way. For now I will just share some at the widest width I can in here.

https://i.ibb.co/4YpxhXv/1800-X-forum-Post.jpg

I went for a drive over to the other side to take a shot of the camera location. They be the rocks I scampered over with my bike although I think the tide was further out and more rocks exposed. That's about 6km shot looking back from the 4 houses in the introductory image in the last post. Magnified of course.

https://i.ibb.co/86pSPcs/1800-Xforum-post.jpg

This one showing more the tree line the runs along the beach but again from the other side. They are fair sized trees considering it's just sandy soil.

https://i.ibb.co/3kHWnTS/1600-X-BLOG-Full-As-Is-1.jpg

Once I can get a popper hosting site up it's more interesting seeing these images at a much lager size that requires scrolling across the screen:

https://i.ibb.co/rQDyJcd/houses-behind-trees.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/2m2KQUF)

__________________________________________________ __________________
________________________
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Not doing well ... deleted my post but will leave the pics.

Ponder

05-31-2021, 09:38 AM

Hey Sal ... (or anyone else) when you feeling up to it. Would you mind clicking on the last image and going to the Flikr webpage and then hover the magnifying icon over the image and click once then twice. Once you do that you should be able to move the mouse around to explore the image. Of course this may depend on your screens native resolution. For those running a 1080p screen it should work like that. Those running 4K are beholden to high resolution images where these blog ones of mine want work quite the same as they do for 1080p screens. It will but just not the same. Anyways - understand if your too busy. Just when you can. Cheers.

1:35am here. Finding it really hard to sleep. Unfortanley got some bad news. Still processing. Hope I don't get shot for subbing a months worth of Flikr Pro.

Night ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz I hope.

salvator here

05-31-2021, 05:08 PM

I'm sorry you got bad news. I know you're processing it and perhaps talking about it at some point could help, but I understand if not. I'll be sure to check in on you each morning. A bit after 7PM here and am just going to find something stupid to watch besides the news and everything because I feel so very raw and just awful.

I can magnify that image twice and explorer it just fine and it very nice.

Hope you can get to sleep and feel better when you wake.

Ponder

06-01-2021, 06:30 AM

Thanks Sal. Not sure it will help but I am feeling the same way atm.

I too try to sleep and see if I feel better in the morning.

Thanks for checking in. Means a lot.

salvator here

06-01-2021, 12:47 PM

A little better, I guess. Going for a walk today and see if I can shake it off. About 3PM and sunny today.

Hope your day is better and you can make the best of it regardless of your situation.

Ponder

06-01-2021, 07:53 PM

Also hope your feeling better Sal. It will pass and what does not we endure as best we can. The affidavit was only a small part of a larger process that is snowballing over the next two weeks. I have appointment with solicitor later but thankful I have support person accompanying me.

I share the following image in the context of 'Time Out!' Unfortanley I sold all my ultralight hiking gear as well. Something I am thinking about picking up once more. This was during a trip atop of ridge line some way from the hustle and bustle but admittedly still within ear shot of a main road where you could here passing vehicles. The following morning we woke up in a thin cloud of smoke as local authorities were performing a 'burn-off.' Where they do a controlled burn of the bush to stave off uncontrollable bush fires. We should of check ahead of time. I can tell you we packed up like there was no tomorrow and got the hell out as we were also illegally camped. You just can't go anywhere anymore.

All that aside - my son and I had a relaxing time:
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TAKING WHATEVER TIME OUT I CAN GET - RESTING UNDER DURESS.
https://i.ibb.co/5FNRvz9/Resting-up-on-the-ridge-line-away-from-the-hussel-and-bussel.jpg

Ponder

06-02-2021, 07:55 PM

I guess there are two takes when therapists give thought to clients who do online journaling. The cons of over-identification Vs the benefits of self-expression. That is not to say each does not come with its own set of pros and cons.
So it is in this awareness I tread lightly as I highlight my current situation entailing tendencies towards separation from a 30-year long relationship with my wife. It pains me to say I genuinely feel I have never been so close to wishing that I be living by myself. It is quite agonizing to think about as part of me wants to stay and the other wishes to be gone. Both lines of thought being quite serious and not reactionary. I’ve felt this way for a while now regardless of those trigger events that typically lead to such thoughts.

I am tired of being referred to as the retarded one. Not always in so many words. Just the one that often is to blame when stuff goes wrong. The view of me from other family members and resultant behavioral patterns that develop unhealthy mind sets that often do more to keep one disabled as opposed to being enabled. Granted the latest proceeding with the family court produce a toxic environment at the best of times with all that contention in and out of whatever buildings has greatly impacted everyone in my family but regardless of that I have felt this way ever since I was ordered out of my wife’s bedroom some years ago.

Things have never been the same for me or moreover things have gone downhill for me in both intimacy and the regard both parties hold for each other. Mutual respect, confidence and all those type of things have taken a huge hit. The ‘system ‘I often refer to is as much a part of that affair and I don’t foresee my perception on such a dynamic would ever change. That said it is quite possible that my confidence might improve in at least finding my peace and being subject to less scrutiny that does more to keep me bound than would otherwise be.

Right now is not a good time to act on anything. I am just expression feelings more than I am intended acts. Whilst it is convenient for others say I am a support for my family in these times, I am also pushed to the side and considered a vulnerability by all those involved. It’s an irony that whilst others would use me in one light, they would quickly view me as said.

So it is that I now contemplate my future being very different than it is now. If a separation is to happen I hope, we can make it a mutual and assisted one where I continue to be included as an ongoing support. My only comfort is knowing that I myself currently have a network of supports. That we all do now. First I need to let proceedings continue and finish without me. It’s clear why I cannot be subject to such a toxic environment regarding court proceedings.

For now I draw upon one of the 2036 images I downloaded from my old Flickr account ... an old selfie superimposed project ... where I was in fact contemplating similar thoughts about six years ago. All in all, I think it’s a fair statement that I can’t wait till this journey ends. I do not choose nor remember choosing anything that so called spiritualist would have people be beleive. I think my greatest issue in life has been limited choices point blank. Of course that is a grey statement. Nothing is black and white.

https://i.ibb.co/k1jq2p0/confrontation-to-contemplation-16158483593-o.jpg

Ponder

06-03-2021, 01:53 AM

Did not want to leave this in too much of a downer as I know your also struggling. I have come up with a game plan. I'm still going to force myself outside, eat, walk and so forth. I have organised to go stay at my mums for a while. Just need to work out finances and transport. At this point its more about have time out than making a final desion. The only final descision that matters, is the futre of our grandson.

Its been agreed that I will return and look after him whike my wife and daughter head off for a couple of days to present at the trial.

Not feeling that crash hot but will do what I can to look after myself. Looks like I found my void. Atemps a smile. Night. At least now I have some meds. Chuckles know that kind of sums up things for me. I'll be OK

salvator here

06-03-2021, 06:27 AM

Did not want to leave this in too much of a downer as I know your also struggling. No, please don't worry about that, I'm fine. Say whatever and however you need to anytime without judgement or feel you need walk on eggshells.

My good man.. there are so many thoughts I have now after reading this entire posting, but as I keep reading it several times, I realize there is nothing I can say. If something come to mind that might be helpful today, I'll consider some import. Otherwise, I'll just be here to support you to get you through your deep sadness. A picture is worth a thousand words and while they are quiet, you are contemplating looking at the water.

Your wrote:
"Right now is not a good time to act on anything. I am just expression feelings more than I am intended acts. "

I think that is best because you need to heal yourself apart from your family.

Your wrote:
"I'm still going to force myself outside, eat, walk and so forth."

Yes, please do just that and don't just sit around too much and think. Do everything you can to get yourself in a better place because, honestly, you sound (to me) drained by this life (your journey). I agree 100% its exhausting and sometimes peace sounds quite enticing.

although, I know meds haven't helped you in the past very much, I'm glad to hear you have something to help with sleep because that is so very very important to us. When I don't sleep, I'm nobody even remotely human, wheres when I get around 5 hours of sleep, I can be (somewhat) functional.

Please take anything I say with a pinch of salt. I'm so totally 'full of it' most of the time, but I think you are making a good decision to take some times away and stay elsewhere for so many reasons - time out being crucial.

I don't pray and don't know how to send positive vibes (correctly) so I'll just keep you in my thoughts and send along well wishes in text when I can.

And know my heart goes out to you and I (truly) care about you.

salvator here

06-03-2021, 10:22 AM

I have come up with a game plan. I'm still going to force myself outside, eat, walk and so forth. I have organized to go stay at my mums for a while. Just need to work out finances and transport.
more I thought about it, you *could* see it as a vacation to spend some time with your mum, so this way you're not thinking about this the whole time your staying with here.

But, yeah, need to get out and I'm going to force myself today; as well. Sort of crappy here but grey days don't bother me. I have to do a little shopping the dollar store for some essentials - should be ok as my anxiety isn't bad where I go because everyone assumes I'm retarded so I can relate to that feeling. So I don't have to 'pretend' to be something I'm not. Takes the pressure off and I actually stutter and stumble less when I'm not self conscious of it. Hard to explain. Anyway, on a lighter note, I did enjoy a black peppermint tea (actually 2 cups). Going for a walk and someone is picked my up in about 4 hours and hopefully we'll make it to starbucks.

Hope you will feel better today.

salvator here

06-03-2021, 04:57 PM

Suffice it to say; I'm glad to be home and its quiet YAY!!!

I'm both physically and mentally exhausted and ready to relax with something on netflix - will let you know when I find something - looking for something to escape reality.

Otherwise, I'm ok, I guess. As I said where I go people know me so I feel a bit more at ease.

No need to reply to anything (of course).

I'll likely turn everything off tonight and settle down and just accept that I did the best I could considering my challenges. God knows our journey hasn't been a 'cake walk' by any stretch; thus far anyway.

Find something nice to drink and please be nice to your body and mind today. Be kind to yourself - not always easy to do sometimes.

Ponder

06-04-2021, 06:01 AM

Thanks Sal. Your advice has really helped give me perspective and also makes me feel more comfortable. For that I am very grateful. Today I was busy packing and organising supports. I am going to view this trip just as you suggest. I apologize that I can't say much more at this time as I am really tired and need sleep to make final prep in the morning and then leave. My long time friend and support person drove about 5 hours to get to my house. He brought his son with him whom knows me as Uncle Dave. We head off in the morning for a six hour journey to my mums where I will be dropped off.

I will go back through your responses again to reply in full later on as I read some stuff that made me smile. Basically your similarities that you share go a long way to validate much of my perspective and as such was the part the makes me feel understood when reading such things. It feels good to be understood. Thank you.

For now I am taking the medicine so should now get to bed and do my bit to get the best out of it.

Thanks again for your support. I did read every word of yours too and thinking of you as well.

Very very heart warming. THANK YOU.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz

salvator here

06-04-2021, 10:06 AM

Oh, you're very welcome. I'm glad you seem more focused and looking forward to this. Please no worries and try to have fun and just allow yourself to enjoy your vaca. Appreciate even the travel time and scenery and conversation with your friend. Try to talk about things you enjoy and forget about this wacky world we inhabit Lol ;)

I do call my Mom but I haven't seen her in quite some time as I don't travel anymore. I try to appreciate that she has her strange beliefs but I overlook them as I won't have her for long. Any memories that were unpleasant have been forgiven and washed away now and only love remains now.

Non need to even think about the forum unless you want to. In fact, might actually do you good to also take a forum break as well and don't fear; I"ll be here and at nomorepanic (of course) - I think this trip will do you wonders.

thanks for your well wishes and I do plan to also enjoy the upcoming summer weather and even perhaps even enjoy a swim - gawd ... its been ages. Ha!

~Sal

Ponder

06-05-2021, 06:18 AM

... a couple of snap shots along the way:

https://i.ibb.co/TrKZbs6/On-the-way.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/ZHDCdcw/John-Deer.jpg

Bellow - 8 KILLOMETERS OF WINDY ROAD = About 16km from the Granny Flat

https://i.ibb.co/4dxX0km/Mount-Lindsy.jpg

Is good to have a home. Thanks Nanna! : D

https://i.ibb.co/VMTM3zP/Nannas.jpg

Ponder

06-05-2021, 06:59 AM

I am managing to do what I have been doing the last week or so with taking pics but this time happy to do it from a car window and indoors. Having the good fortune to be picked up and be driven to my destination meant that I could bring my own table and more computers gear. Having photoshop up and posting on AF is no drain for me. Instead I find doing these these continues to help me during these times. Especially now. That said, I know what you mean. Is all good. I know how to be optimistic when it counts. For now I am just chilling with my usual tunes as well (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNh2yB0w8gU&t=2982s).

Relaxing with environmental controls. The pipes can freeze in these parts and a cold front in on the way.
https://i.ibb.co/ZV14Bzh/Relaxed.jpg

I like what you said about your mum not because that too is very much the same my end but more because of your line of thought when sharing like so. I will share more of the dynamics to this trip because I think you will also like what you hear. Your are right that this trip is good for me. It took some years to bury the hatched with my mum and then my sister. Today I caught up with my niece whom I have not had contact with since a family row back in 2014 over my brothers death. I apologized to her, hugged her and then broke down in tears momentarily. My sister joined in for a hug and all was well. I met some nephews for the first time. So thus far the trip has been very rewarding.

I think I take my last pill for the week as I think I should be right ... will just have to wait and see how I feel tomorrow. For now I kick back watch some relaxing media. Once I feel noddy I'll retire to my new bedroom with my usual ben head phone mount and continue till I basically fall to sleep. The rinse an repeat method from there I will work on over the next 15 days. My grandson gave me a huge hug and is flipping over his abacas calenderer counting the days till I come back. The first couple of days back will be hard as that's when the court case will be in full swing. I'll be wondering about both our futures during couple of days.

This is a wrap for now. I just chill between now and then.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Until next pics ;)

Ponder

06-05-2021, 08:41 PM

I know Gypsy would like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vS-dJ6WzW0

salvator here

06-06-2021, 10:49 AM

Ponder

06-07-2021, 05:59 AM

Not sure how to write this one up. Did I forget to mention I have a really *&^%ed up family? Family dispute has broken out over parents 'Will' which of course never bodes well in family's with a history of dysfunction. It matters little how we got onto the topic but considering matters of illness and age it is no surprise that we did. I think my sister just wanted to let me know her intentions being overseer of the will and that of course she has my best interest at heart. Unfortunately this aspect has been something of a tender issue with me and very bad timing for my sister to bring up given my current position.

I do not share their Christian beliefs which can be frustrating from a hierarchal position being one that often thrives on blame and shame. This has often had me on opposite ends to the family to where my acceptance back into the fold is based on my willingness to comply with their system of belief. It's never written in stone like it once was but the deception is very much the same. The whole issue of being helped with my shoulder surgery was brought up as some kind of beholden thing where of course the help my sister receives is never brought up. My sister yelled at me 'Where have you been the last 20 years!' Other hallmark comments that fit the bill where all present. Again with the fact that I was still in need of being forgiven and that they would do as they saw fit. In fact my mother started yelling at me brining stuff up that I said in anger during the time of my brothers death.

Fuck it man. I really am over this shit. I did not even bring this shit up but after my sister carrying on the way she did "it's easy for you guys as you have lived in rent all your life so I need more to buy a house..." yadda yadda and on with more stupid comments like that. Mine this and mine that. You know I kind of just remained silent thinking about an article I recently read "How to keep your cool in court" that I actually started practicing some of the tips whilst my sister unloaded with all this stuff about being in control of the will and bla bla - I have your back covered. She started putting a price on the house in which both parents are still breathing and I'm just nodding my head letting her come out with more and more. The furniture this and that ... I will have this and you can have that. I'm like "Oh Ok ... what else can I have?" whilst watching how invested my sisters responses kept coming it was clear to me this whole discussion was very much about my sisters laying down her intentions and that was that. She even said that was nothing I could do to change my mothers mind after I quietly challenged her by implying that I ought to have an input.

So there you have it. From Hero to Zero! But it's more complex than that. I am so sick of playing this game of poor black sheep comes on back and then all this strings attached BS with the helping hand Vs good compliance and well to be brutal - feathering the nest mentality. How quick the claws came out with I suggest this may be a good example for an independent non beneficiary when it comes to the passing on of good will. This really upset them all.

Sigh ... I know this may have me read as a hypocrite to those who beleive in such hierarchal structures but I will no longer be party to said strings. Waving money in front of me and offering this and that just not bode well. Kama ... should just stick with the 'don't want anything principle' and deal with hard cold facts and work on accepting that. Sadly any ground that was made was had tonight all come undone and I really should not of been enticed thinking I was going to be unconditionally accepted back into the fold. For me it is still very much a case of standards, greed and position all mixed into one.

I am just as susceptible as my sister to such things, but have no interest in playing the games. I have no filters and no not how to play along. Today it backfired on her and showed me were my parents true feelings still lay.

The good news is that these latest events have endeared my wife closer to me as it is very much the same in her family where her mother has outright said she has cut her out of the will. Quite toxic their relations too. You see how it is with people who have lots of money? The best way is to simply say fuck it and leave well alone. I will now do this, but still hurt about having tried to make efforts as usual but wind up being told once more how they have spent so much on me and how I am still in need of being forgiven. If only I would bow my knee and ask Jesus into my life. Then holly shit, streets of Gold would be mine for the taking. chuckles.

My good friend I know I must seem a complete crack pot having going from much needed time out into a great start that has quickly become a frying pan. Stayed tuned because the way things are going I might very well end up in the streets of this little town looking for another place too call home. I really should of traveled light. I am starting to see the appeal.

My bad to be sure. Yawns ... tonight in need 5mg more. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz z

My assigned psychologist calls me tomorrow. lmfao. Just thinking about how I will be outlining this one.

Good news re court ... the father has lodged no affidavits, has no solicitor and looks as if he is not turning up. I can't blame him with just how much stuff we have brought up. Even his own teenage daughter speaking out against him. The independent child lawyer wants to request an adjournment to investigate further the evidence of ongoing abuse. My wife's lawyer is thinking about just getting all parties to agree with proposed orders where My wife/maternal grandmother gets sole custody and the father only see the child 4 times a year with supervised visits. I am very much down with that. Still thought ... there is a difference between the ICL and my wife's solicitor in all that with more time needed to make decisions which means my wife is and has asked politely for me to 'hang in there' with things having become what they are down on my end.

Me ... I think am nearly at the point to lighten my load and be done with everything and just book myself into the nearest city homeless shelter.http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rofl.gif

Narrr - I'll avoid that at all costs. My wife seems more happy to have me back since things went ape shit so suddenly with my family. Funny how that works. She is the one that reminded me about karma and family wills. I fully agree.

Until tomorrow. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

edit ... lets all just blame the devil and say it's too hard to talk about.

Ponder

06-07-2021, 06:24 AM

Nanna is still cool though. They only turned her right at the last moment with respect to finding the Lord. She never really cared what road I traveled on and was always truly open with no expectations.

OK on the nod now ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

salvator here

06-07-2021, 06:29 AM

Read every word and will write later on - I promise. Lord have mercy, dare I even use that phrase in this instance.

Anyway, sleep it off my friend.

salvator here

06-07-2021, 08:33 AM

Well, just wow! What can we say, really. Thats fucked up to say the very least.
--The good news is that these latest events have endeared my wife closer to me as it is very much the same in her family where her mother has outright said she has cut her out of the will. Quite toxic their relations too.

--Good news re court ... the father has lodged no affidavits, has no solicitor and looks as if he is not turning up. I can't blame him with just how much stuff we have brought up. Even his own teenage daughter speaking out against him. The independent child lawyer wants to request an adjournment to investigate further the evidence of ongoing abuse. My wife's lawyer is thinking about just getting all parties to agree with proposed orders where My wife/maternal grandmother gets sole custody and the father only see the child 4 times a year with supervised visits. I am very much down with that. Still thought ... there is a difference between the ICL and my wife's solicitor in all that with more time needed to make decisions which means my wife is and has asked politely for me to 'hang in there' with things having become what they are down on my end.

--My wife seems more happy to have me back since things went ape shit so suddenly with my family. Funny how that works. She is the one that reminded me about karma and family wills. I fully agree.

Out of all that, though, I'm actually quite happy to see this, in turn, actually may have given strength and bond you and your wife needed, and I'm glad at least things seem to be headed in the right direction regarding court.

I didn't intentionally leave out all you addressed that was wrong there, but I don't think there is anything i could say to be of any benefit other than: you tried and it not your fault.

Ponder

06-07-2021, 06:58 PM

I understand Sal. TY. My wife contacted me via text asking if I got any sleep. I can tell you that means more to me than any of the drama that has ensued. If I may continue with a little context as no more than a means to continue processing without risk of weighing you down, I would like to continue writing a little more about my experience.

When I arrived here, my sister’s clothes were strewn across the bed that I was told where I would be sleeping. It seemed as if no effort was made to tidy up the place or preparations made to make a visiting family member welcome. I have always lived in the shadow of my other siblings. At times it often feels as these family dynamics are intentional and it’s realizations like that, that cuts deeper than the squabbling status and material things.

What I am dealing with here is historical and learned behaviors. Deeply ingrained within a family known of its compulsive disorder. Alas just because my sister is doing what she does subconsciously does not mean it is right. My sisters position in all this is utilizing funds from my parents to help her fight for money from her divorce. Since my recent visit all this talk about money from my sister has never stopped. It really was her the brought up to damn topic of my parents will full stop. But I won’t stop there as revelation’s have come to the boil and I felt given what was in motion I would let run as they did.

I'm often easily played but this time I was more educated and poised to make an informed decision. As I alluded to in my previous post I remained calm whilst letting my sister unravel as she did. The closest I got to 'reacting' was making note to my friend whom dropped me off about the state of the granny flat re my sister making her presence felt. We just stacked all my stuff into one corner then went to request if anyone needed their things in the granny flat; could they please go grab them.

After quietly sneaking into the house. the next big decision was the one where I remained poised lingering in the background whilst my sister and parents were watching the news exchanging opinions. I pondered much in that time from my usual outside perspective. I moved to make a distraction where I was then asked 'what do you want?' at other times it comes out as "Yes David?"

Those distinctions as perceived by me cannot be understood without context. Although I am thinking you might understand me enough by now Sal. Once as a 16-year-old without a home (which was common for me most of my childhood) I had hitched hiked over 1500 kilometers [maybe more or less] to my mother's door and was also asked at that time ... "what do you want?" "Yes David."

I remained pretty calm last night and said I think we need to talk. The usual responses came as they did decades ago - "It hurts too much" - "Your killing us" - "I don't want to talk" - "Just deal with it" with the latter being the most widely used phrase comeback used over the years. After I continued to quietly reason and make suggestions asking if they would consider ... I also made my sisters actions transparent in an act of self-respect for myself, well … I was simply dismissed with lots of yelling and screaming from all three of them. My Step Dad, Mum and Sister all at once.

The weird thing in all this - or maybe not so weird … Hmmm - I don't know how I kept so cool Sal. I think I was just overcome with sadness in an accepting way that held me both sombre and sober. The three of them were yelling and thrashing about and I calmly answered each question as they

“Who the hell do you think you are!" [finger being repeatedly projected into my personal space] I replied, "I am your son, I am your son, and I am your brother.

"You are still in need of forgiveness.“ I replied to my Step Dad, whilst asking the others to please wait, "What do I have to be forgiven for? … I thought we had all moved on?” My Dad just then went on about the money they paid to help with my shoulder surgery whilst banging his chest talking about his rights.

At the same time my mum cried out "How dare you tell me, 'I cut you out of your life!' ..." whilst expressing with bitter sorrow and a screwed thrashing her finger like my sister in my personal space. I replied, "During 'my brother’s death' we all said things we did not mean. I thought had just dealt with that? I know I have.

Basically all three of them were yelling and thrashing about with a unified projected negative mind set using oppressive language designed to put me in my place. I think my unusually poised position even angered them more. My sister started calling me a narcissist and that I was no different to her husband.

I have always been despised for my apparent simpleton way of reflecting truth and always asking questions that I am told give cause for heart attacks. Even as a child I was always told as much. Nothing has changed. Except maybe all the years later when I turn up with a buddha sitting on my dashboard. That event turned out similar to last night but just in a different way.

OK … my therapist is about to call.

I am very glad I have this space. Thanks for listening.

Ponder

06-08-2021, 03:17 AM

You know much about this 'Temazepam aka Restoril ?' I know it's a valium derivative and quoted online as a good short-term option for sleep. Just wondering if you knew much about it. Like I know I can go read and I have. I have 12 10mg tablets left and I am to cut them in half so that makes for 24 doses left. Generally I was using Diazepam as prescribed by the psychiatrist who DXed me last. There was like a *&^%ing hundred tablets in that bottle he gave me. They must of been 5mg tablets for sure and even then I ended up only using them in one off scenarios with no longer than 3 days max in a row. I actually threw the bottle out with pills in them because I thought they would have to be off having not used then in so long.

Right now though, with the shit going on, I am taking one 5mg every night till I get the fuck out of this pace. I'm just waiting on my ride out of this one horse town which is going to be at least a week away. My step Dad won't let me go out the front door or makes a big deal every time I come into the house with that same shit "Yes? What do you want?" I went to the only local shop that makes hamburgers got myself one and picked up some 2 minute noodles but when I got back was met by a locked security gate after trying to explain to please not lock me out earlier in the day. FFS! I had to bang loudly on that gate as it's connected beyond the house and granny flat. Every time I go out into the yard to get sun, all the local dogs bark like someone is braking into someone's place. Just another fucking thing to make me feel welcome. The sad thing is, it's always been like this when ever I come home. Except when my support person came with me last time. Go figure. Grrrrrrrrr. Doing my best to hold it together.

As good as it is being away from the masses, I feel very vulnerable in a kind of social isolated way and think it matters little what town I am in. I can't wait to get back home. My wife also wants me to come back as well. I'm very glad we have kept out clean record of no separation despite feeling isolated at home as well. Because my wife is not a religious freak there is more flexibility to work around things and I always know exactly how she really feels. Here they pretend all the time until you call them out in which case they turn on you with Gods Vengeance.

Sigh. Srry ... I sense I am going on yet again but fuck it ... it is what it is and it's better out than in. I can see the appeal of owning a car now but don't think I have enough on my pension to keep two. I lost my car when that *&^%ing nut case ran into my car and chase my down with a pick axe! To be sure I got money back and bought another one but told my wife she could have it. I'm kind of skittish driving these days although have been getting back into it for the sake of experience only. The front and back security I put in makes me feel a bit better. Anyways - my wife uses that car all the time for our grandsons needs so I basically just get around with my support worker. My wife makes a good point that we can't afford two cars and although I wish for it at times, she is right as usual. Even if I did go out on my own I don't think I would be better off traveling light in future. No one was to know except maybe my wife how things could of turned out in this one horse town. I'm hoping she gets everything she wants with this court thing and that in her easing off with all that built up stress that over time she will be more receptive to my closing that huge gap that has come about between us. It is still possible and a worth goal to be sure.

Please don't mind me ...

Continued next post:

Ponder

06-08-2021, 03:20 AM

You know that when they hear me listening to Tibetan vibes and or I break out any Buddhist trinkets, they start praying for me and warn me that is why things go wrong in my life. Me - I find it is only one of the few things that relaxes me. Mostly because it does not judge or have any expectations of me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PszSx4HvKAA

I really can't believe I came back for this shit. Big sigh on that one. The things I got to do to get my wife to feel for me. lol. I will reach out to her when I get back with a goofy look on my face saying "Can I please have a hug now?" I know she will smile and it might be all me holding her tight but that will do.

Yesterday in the shop I saw an old guy that allowed his wife to take me in back in the day when I was going to the local high school. I remembered him as Mr Reed. So I says "Hi Mr Reed" he then looks at me and says something about being to old to be called Mr, going to say that he would be 80 next week. I then searched for words looking about and said "how about Sir? Would that be OK?" Then his wife popped out around the corner with a big smile but kind of keeping it on the low but looking towards me all the same moving into my space with what felt warm vibes. I did not recognize her at first but she was really good to me back in those days. She had me stay on there farm for a while and did not jam their relgion down my throat. I rode their horses like there was no tomorrow - well actually ... their horses bolted on me and I just appeared to make it look easy. LOL. They liked that about me. If I had my way I would have all the towns folk call him Sir Mr Reed. It was nice to run into one of the few foster families I've never really talked about in such a light. Sigh ... fuck my parents man. Truly. How fucking dare they claim I need to be forgiven. It's that religions beholden shit that lead to my brother feeling so ashamed and never being accepted for his past so called misgivings. This back door treatment and the little comments "Yes?" Grrrrrrrr

Truly - this round trip ending up like it has is really is about letting saying my goodbyes. I soften up one last time when my sister came into the flat to collect the last of her things by saying in my meager and earnest voice "I'm not going to contest the will, none of this has anything to do with that." My reason for saying this is to let her have her way, whilst attempting to acknowledge to her the essence of all I tried to explain calmly last night whilst they went hell for leather on me. I do not want the ill feeling so figured alleviating her fear about me contesting the will would be nice to let her now I have no intention of doing. I was hoping the Tibetan tunes in the background with my soft voice and somber demeaner might have her pause and acknowledge some of the essence on her way out. She paused, but then kept moving a split second later taking the last of her things with her. Is all good though. I think it did the right thing because I do not do well leaving things in a bitter way from me end. The con to that is often being easily led but in this case I am not sorry for taking a stand by more so was just trying to make my sister see that I am not so easily led any more but am still kind of heart. I want to say those negative patterns I talked about earlier will change for us all but more often than not when stress mounts like it does we each fall victims to our well known roles.

Knock Knock ... Mum has just knocked on the door for the first time. She came to get something out for the freezer that she was storing there. It was another opportunity to alleviate the tension to which we did. However unresolved issues are not going to change and I can see that now. It's not like I should expect it, but the predisposition as I see it that comes with their way of being Vs my own fallibility means I will have to make more of an effort to leave on a good note despite my frustrations over last night. I will not visit again with my sister being here due to the nature of her invested relations during this time regardless my perceptions on that. Of course this was an unplanned visit and I'm betting my mother did not like the situation either.

I am super sensitive to the agendas people have and my mum has explained she is also getting sick of it as well. People doing too much for her ect ... My step father is pretty much determined to remain vigil to his perspective as he is very much near his end. I can respect that, although very disheartened with his stance as is. If anything, it is all the more reason I must ensure I leave on a good 'touch' with my mum. I may not see her again. The unresolved issues my sister have in the way she negotiates in general, towards her own goals will very much interfere with relations as time moves on from here on in. I really wish mum had her own phone and that my sister was not always on the other end when I call to speak to mum. It's not all the time, but enough and getting more than case. Much deception has been played in the past and it's only set to get worse with automated responses ruling the roost when topics come up that are kept at bay and withheld from others. Again my need for transparency was put in place last night and the fact remains they all beleive that I should have no say. That alone with the complications of one sibling controlling as they do ... is reason enough for me to say my goodbyes while I can. This being good advice from my closest friend.

I am not sure I want a photo. I've never been any good with that when it comes to reflecting on family or people. I guess it must be an ASD thing. I am all about NOW but my experience has been that everyone from my siblings to parents saying it's too painful to be in the now; always later. At least in a way that shows us all up for who we really are. Knows that one it too hard to explain and where words fail. Me expecting too much again or coming back asking people what they mean.

Sigh ... I think it's 5mg time.

I will cry very hard when my mum is gone despite my wife not understanding why I keep coming back despite the dysfunction. It is no different to how my grandson plays destructive with his baby dolls in order that his father likes him. He loves those dolls and nurtures them kindly when he is with me, but then when on skype with his Dad, he smashes them about the place. He explained why and I totally get it. However in that instance intervention is needed and is duly acted on. In my case, I need to be the one to stop playing the role that leads to said suffering. So it is once more I really need to come up with a gentle touch when exiting.

I understand very much why my mother prefers very much for me to return with a support person like I did last time. Sadly they do not understand my wish or head my advice as recommended on the government website to also having a 3rd party executing wills after you are gone. They require me to have a 3rd party, but are unwilling to have one of their own in order to alleviate what they would have made easier for themselves when they are gone and instead put one sibling over another knowing full well the history of past contention. Go figure?

Alas ... if I do ever come back, you can be sure it will be with a 3rd person and hopefully without my sister anywhere to be seen. Yes I still love her ... but no longer trust her and not sure I ever really did. I will leave on good terms with my mum and request a future 'planed' visit without my sister present but to bring along my support person whom I know she likes very much. It will be interesting to see that goes down.

I'll let you know tomorrow. chuckles. Yes this is a stage ... but I am done doing this and life all on my own. Just know this is as real as it gets.

I'm a nut case to be sure ... but I like you sal and I like the confidence you give me just by being one other active member in here making it count.

Later dude ... sorry I have been so consumed.

I am thinking of you too Sal -

salvator here

06-08-2021, 08:35 AM

--You know that when they hear me listening to Tibetan vibes and or I break out any Buddhist trinkets, they start praying for me and warn me that is why things go wrong in my life.

--The things I got to do to get my wife to feel for me. lol. I will reach out to her when I get back with a goofy look on my face saying "Can I please have a hug now?" I know she will smile and it might be all me holding her tight but that will do. I read all, but sorry, this just really made me laugh - I so needed that. Ya know, I've always thought if I ever dared to enter into a church the holy water would start boiling and it would burn down, you I have to work hard to hide these horns... hehe :D For some reason I have visions of them try to perform an exorcist on you. Well, yeah, I guess leave them to their (fear based) beliefs and take it for what its is as you can't change them, they are too far gone. That is a pretty difficult family dynamic to say the very least.

I'll try to write more later and thank you for thinking of me as well.

You could mix it up on your wife when you get back and say, I'd love a hug but would settle for a pat on the head and maybe you'll get both :)

I wish you luck for the rest of your stay. I know you'll be fine.

I'm glad you shared everything with me and I'm glad to have you as a friend.

Ponder

06-08-2021, 10:07 AM

You made me laugh as well. Don't worry about getting back before you can and or only write as much you able. It's always great to hear from you, but the last thing I want to to become is a chore. I am a bit worried about that with my friend who dropped me off. I really do not like being in this spot I am in despite having the capacity to mostly never leave on bad terms. Whilst I have done my best to please others I have been unable to sleep regardless of the medication.

I seriously need to get the hell out of here as soon as possible. The nature of my mind works differently than most would think. I have been looping pretty bad since enduring the other night as described. The ear infection I have kept in the quiet is starting to get worse. Is from waring ear buds too much. I have been treating my right ear with ointment but a lump has developed and last night when trying to clean and apply cream, blood has started seeping. I try not to think negatively about it though. I have not tried to bring it up for fear of making it worse simply by mentioning it but the way things are going now ... my body has taking a toll.

Once again - don't worry about replying unless keeping it short suits you. [or you have time to make as long as you want] I appreciated what ever your able to give.

2:03am just glancing on my displays clock.

I am tired but just can't sleep. I will stop taking the medicine now as not even the valium derivative can stave off what I am feeling.

I have undergone demon exorcism 'at least' 3 times:
I will kill time writing about that.

For now I hit enter and make that post on its own.

Ponder

06-08-2021, 11:25 AM

My experience with demon exorcism is not your typical movie scenario like 'The Rite' with Anthony Hopkins and or Rosemary's Baby or even The Exorcist. That said a dose of Evangelical/Pentecostal/Charismatic Spirituality mixed with Sleep Paralysis can make the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. First you need to be indoctinated with years of brainwashing as a child and then brought up in a dysfunctional home and thereafter be passed around from home to home before you eventually roll out the other side into the world's gutter somewhat premature for what's on offer.

Wind the clock back a little before being ejected. Whilst in Sunday school we did not get the heavy lectures on the 'Mark of the Best' ... in church we did! There my brother and I were also taught that the African drums where a tool for summoning the devil. I remember this now plain as day. The pastor was from Wales and he had a very thick accent and was worshiped for it like they worshiped Jesus. Or perhaps it was another? I do remember how they would bang their fist and accent words with authority when talking about such things. (Not unlike my step Dad the other night when talking about his rights) The descriptive nature on topics such as Spiritual Warfare were quite graphic to say the least. Before CGI I would give these sermons a 9 out of 10 for special effect! Once you combine such masterful telling's that would put Tony Robbins to shame with a little well time music on the side with consolidating prayers well though out in advance, such persuasive and powerful sermons back in the day had people hooked like candy. Many of these creators and followers would go on to be involved in the new age fad that is well known today.

For me this was all the rage in the 70's. My mother was one of the one's hooked on this stuff like a drug. My brother and I used to be dragged around from town to town attending such teachings in a pajamas. I mentioned it before, but this is the context in how as kids we ended watching up a film about 'The Mark of The Best 666' where if you did not take the mark a police man would turn up on a motor bike with a guillotine on the back of it. People who were caught without the mark of the beast we decapitated on the spot. I beleive it was a series of propaganda movies based on the Rapture & Anti Christ found in The Christian Bible in Revelations:

https://i.ibb.co/NVgkvPY/movie-poster-1.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/3pNxbWR/movie-3.jpg

Back then the Assembly of God Church used to show films like these as if it was Gilligan's Island.

Sorry to drag this on. I do however think it important to note the grooming my brother and I underwent as children aged 7 and 9. I can't understate how this facet of the 70's left a wake of *&^%ed up minds from all those other kids that were subject to this kind of doctrine. It's like our current plandemic but on another phycological induced level. I went onto many foster homes that were heavily involved in this kind of thing and a school that banned parents from reading news papers and going to the movies. Once more I have shared how I was dragged out of the movies watching star wars or something to that effect. I can't remember because of the scene my parents made when making a scene. Basically as kids we were heavily indoctinated and deeply entrenched into the Evangelical CULT that was more accepted by main stream than most could fathom today. It is still very much alive and thriving today, but much more compromising and markets to the main stream than ever before. Those that did not fit but wanted something different typically opted for the New Age fad of the 50/60 and thriving 70s. Take your pick.

OK: Demon Exorcism Number One
The Laying On of Hands:
Not which place. It could of been the Christian drug rehab we all held hands in the park praying out loud with public spectators giving us weird looks "The freaks are out again!" or in some aboriginal mission half way during a sermon. Someone in the group will give a speech about someone being in need within said groups for a 'release.' These random episodes were built up to with music either played from a ghetto blaster or by a band. It mattered little which as the formula is pretty much the same. Music and Praying in Tongue as depicted in todays → version (https://youtu.be/vFOCAATdxyE?t=41) I think she has been seeing Tony Robins on the side for a bit of everything. SHHHHHH

Long story short people get caught up in the desire to belong having fallen victim to the emotional buildup where when called out by a similar method that any serial packet psychic would use - people line up whilst the practicing Demon Hunter would lay hands on that person ... continue a public speech for all to hear that entails shame and blame ... music changing pitch and pace not unlike in a movie following along ... the preacher or pastor depending your denomination and indoctrination would start waving their hand in front of you. It's kind of a dance with all that electrified emotion buzzing around the congregation in sync with the music and the literation spewing forth from the directors mouth. People would either faint, play along ... whatever - some would hit the floor without being caught and start to convulse - I LOOSEN THE DEVIL!!! would cry out the hand that struck down the vessel. I LOOSEN THE DEVIL!!! would come again in an almighty projected voice that would see people on the ground twitch all the more. By this stage the younger audience that were not as well exposed as my brother and I would start to cling to their trusted carers. lol - I wonder how many foster kids were getting around. Sigh ... Hell - I even say people visiting for the first time slowly walk for the back door. I'm telling you true as night and day this shit was either lapped up or had people running for the doors.

OMG - I am truly laughing my guts up here but it really was sad that we had to endure that BS. Takes a breath. Man - You know ... there was something about how I processed all that. Whilst I was indoctinated to some degree, something inside me knew there was something wrong with all that ... that it seemed fake but watching everyone getting hooked and it all unfolding like that as a kid was another level of scary. I knew these people were the ones watching over me and I really had no choice in what to do. I just played along until I was ejected and hit the gutter.

Whilst feeling it was fake I still did struggle with the whole Rapture thing that when I was home with my mother and they did not come back from shopping, I would get caught up with chills telling my brother that Jesus had come and our parents where raptured (taken up into heaven) and we were left behind. When they got home saw how worried we were and I explained I thought the second coming had happened (Jesus Returned) and that my brother and I were left behind ... they got the local preacher to come see us and 'sort us out' Me - I chalk that down to the propaganda BS and all that dragging us around in our PJs to all those cult sermons on the god damn topic.

I take a break or start a new post on the next level of Demonic Possession as I would come to know it. ;)
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Ponder

06-08-2021, 12:57 PM

4am and still no sleep. However I will write from this prison I now find myself in. It really is all in the mind but the facts as I have come to know them is how real and disabling such thought forms can come to be. The new fang dangled word not really understood by most happy go self thriving bliss seekers of today is MANIFEST! Today that is mostly about Money, Wealth, Job Security, Status and Health. Back in my day when I was a teenage chronic acholic and drug addict sleeping on the city streets, manifesting to me was more about fear and pain. All that shit I just previously posted about regardless of my childhood intuition, was about to get very VERY REAL.

Behind Closed Doors:
When you are at your lowest and I've really covered that in my earlier posts when hitting this forum - all that childhood indoctrinating was something that I found myself clinging too (when finding myself more vulnerable) as I was going from and to Christian Rehabs and Outreach Accommodations. I neve lasted long at those places but whilst there I did open myself up to one on ones usually involving two people and myself. The first version was on public display when I was much younger but now I was subject to private dealings involving the next level of exorcism. It involved the usual angelic babblings and laying on of hands but before you entered into that stage you underwent a more formal interview asking questions about exposure to drugs, phonography then into other religions, eastern philosophies, then into exposure to like wise trinkets, Satan worshiping and on and on.

My homeless experience led me into crossing paths with pretty much all that to some degree or other. I was mostly a spectator but did experiment with casting spells like many others did [quick FAD back in the day but I did sense the physiological changes when playing around like so]. I am a very visual person and once again whilst not always feeling it to be right opened myself up to all kinds of thought forms and embraced them whilst participating. Not everything I did was fully involvement and it did not have to be. Like if you just attended a Hare Krishnas soup kitchen then they considered you to have demons. Especially if you were (in today's word) in a low vibrational state which I was for most of my homeless years. To some degree I am open to the idea of how that can work but I share that latter in terms of recovery if I dare.

For now it is enough to know that the level of exorcism that I had undergone on my behind closed doors was from there point of view quite serious. During that time I was still skeptical despite still believing in the concept of Jesus. That was more a security blanket I would us to find comfort on and off the street. Long story short I think the damage to my psyche was the act of being involved with people continually shaming and blaming me. I keep saying that or bringing up that aspect but that is how religion works on all levels - Point Blank. But to keep in tune with the personal performance of people praying over you with dead certainty from their position gets a little chilling when you feel they beleive what they are doing. I said three times when I started this, I think I meant I experience three different types of releasing demons. The more I think about it ... this happened to me more regularly than I care to admit. But I did not shake and convulse or feel any spirits leave me.

Everyone wants to become a demon slayer and or healer.

Self Exorcism -
I guess the other aspect of releasing demons is being taught how to do it yourself. Sleep paralysis can be a bitch when indoctrinated like so. Comes back to that story where I was swept off the streets by a pastor's son and taken to his home. That night I had what would become a repeating event. I would wake up paralyzed unable to breathe properly looking at myself from the roof down. I saw myself laying on the top bunk where the pastor's kid said I could sleep. I'm pretty sure this was the first episode of this phenomena called sleep paralysis (https://www.google.com/search?q=sleep+parikisy+demaon+possise&rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&oq=sleep+parikisy+demaon+possise&aqs=chrome..69i57.6216j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8). This is not something you want with a background as mine.

I switched from being on the roof looking down at myself to being back in the bed looking up. I wanted to get up but there was a weight holding me down and so strong it was I was unable to breathe. I pushed my mind with all I called to verbalize 'In the name of Jesus' as I was taught to do as a child in all matters of spiritual warfare. The fact I was struggling for breath scared me all the more and made me feel that this shit was real. Slowly I was able to stutter out some words ... I kept reciting as I had seen all those preacher do before me. Eventually I was able to come up with [B]IN THE NAME OF JESUSE I LOSSEN YOU!!! I started to breath and was able to move but was scared shittless over what had happened. I can't remember if I woke the other guy up ... when I say kid he was in his early 20s ... I was 17 having already been homeless for some time.

I do remember that when I asked him if he heard me struggling he said yes but he too was unable to get up. Now I will never know if that is true but I can tell you I sensed the fear in him that morning and after he told his dad I was ejected out of that house quicker than you can say I LOOSEN YOU!!!
_________________________________

I went on to suffer more episodes for years to come. I eventually gave up calling upon Jesus but was still scared shittless. I thank my wife as she helped me give up my relgion. My family hate her for that and will probably have a clause in the will that I must not be with her. My wife has stood by my side all these years whatever way I look at it. Whereas now my family just want absolution for all the BS. My sister started going on about my wife when she brought up all that parents will shit. Point is - I really owe my wife for helping me give up religion. She saw me struggling to do so over our 30 years. I would say I finally gave it up 'Completely' about 12 years ago when I was 40. Believe me when I say depending on how entrenched you become it can take a life time to give up that shit.

As for thought forms - I do beleive those are real and that's another nightmare in itself yet can be mastered to some degree. I have come to see mainstream non secular types just as hoodwinked and dosed with fear as any of the cults I have been in. That is to say sport fans, flag flying patriots, newspaper readers (although not for the same reason as the cult I mentioned) news watchers, public servants, front line responders, doctors, nurses, blue colored and all workers of all sorts, radicalizes, victims groups and on and on and on. All that be ingredients sown with the very same deception techniques that I was privileged to see from zero to hero. WTF ever. I'll leave that at that.

Now ... I leave the reptilians and the galactic saviors for another day.

Now you know why I watch horror movies with apprehension. ;)

salvator here

06-08-2021, 06:08 PM

Don't worry about getting back before you can and or only write as much you able. It's always great to hear from you, but the last thing I want to to become is a chore.You aren't and never will be a chore, its great to hear from you as well and I do want the best for you.

Gosh, I'm actually glad I mentioned that (sort of) jokingly as you were able to get all that out. I'll read in the AM. A bit after 8PM and hopefully you were able to get some sleep.

I'm doing ok, I guess. I don't know. Just going to enjoy a tea and watch something silly. I like silly 'hack em' up slasher' type horror and not the religious based crap that is becoming popular again. New comedy is hard now to get me laughing anymore. I don't know. Sometimes struggle with movies and drift into worry and a movie is supposed to give you an escape imo. Sometimes I also get triggered by something. Hard to explain.

Hopefully its a dry heat where I'm going ... ha :)

Take care as best as possible.

Ponder

06-08-2021, 06:55 PM

I think you were meant to say it. It really helped me pass the time. I thought it was 4am but see my last edit was 5:18am when I am logged in. I've had about 1 and a half hours sleep. It rained a little but now the sun is up. I am still feeling too self conscious to go outside but will try later. There is no park to go walking around here and yesterday when I was in the shop I felt lightheaded which reminded my how I used to feel like fainting long time ago in my past when feeling like I was on display. I think this is something people in this forum can relate to in terms of anxiety and social phobia. I like small towns due to the lack of traffic and noise but the adverse effect is feeling I stand out more which I do not like. If not for my infected ear I would wear ear buds and be half OK. I also don't have clothes that make me feel right as I have become so overweight and also do not like who I have become.

OK - enough of that BS - talking like that does not help - but it's true. It's how I have been feeling for a long time and now I am here it feels worse. This is why I am so frustrated I can't sit out in my parents backyard without the neighborhood dogs barking like so.
_______________________________________

Here is an image I baked earlier by joining a couple of shots from my friends last visit and his drone. Line of site to mount Lindsey is 11.6 km (the mountain I pictured earlier)

https://i.ibb.co/WPq68bx/Woodenbong-1.jpg

This town is just where I went to high school. I never lived here at all. I share my earlier home for as long as it lasted. That one is about half the size of the one pictured here. The following town has a population of 440 ... but was 300 when I live there some 39 years ago. I guess 140 people increase in about 40 years is not bad:

Unlike Mount Lindsey - The Crown Mountain in the foreground was much easier to climb and something we did instead of surf the internet which did not exist back then. Not that I would go bounding up it now:
https://i.ibb.co/8jGkv3c/Urbenville-from-crown.jpg

The drone flys a little closer. Line of sight Urbenville to Woodenbong is the exact same distance as MT Lindsey is to Woodebong. 11.6 km.
Saw mill on the bottom entry and road to Woodenbong upper middle.
https://i.ibb.co/gjQmFV9/closer.jpg

__________________
_________
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https://i.ibb.co/Jsn98k9/Topography-Map.jpg

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I try to sleep again.

Ponder

06-09-2021, 04:43 AM

What started as a big decision regarding my wife and I has completely turned upside down to instead being more about that of my Step-Dad, Mum & Sister. The small talk from my mother has lost all it's warmth no matter how hard she tries. The drama continues as they carry on with judging my wife. My wife has spent more than twice the years than my family ever tried to care for me. She has never rejected me by throwing me out of the home or buying me off with trinkets or money. To be sure we have had our ups and downs but over all despite her need for distance, she has been way more forgiving than my so called Christian family.

What to do? They want to talk to me support person when he comes, however I already know it's just another sidelining tactic. It would be the end of our friendship if he allowed himself to be strung along. I think I will have all my gear ready to go before he arrives. Load up as soon as his wheels pulls up and be on my way for good. I am too old for all that finger pointing and the way they just tore threw me the other night is like ripping open up old wounds. A LOT of work has gone into me over the last few years regarding healing. I have to concede to a recent post about cutting toxic people out of one's life might actually be a good idea in terms of my current situation.

It's not cut and dry though. My sister is leaving earlier than intended due to my mother wishing it so. Today my sister attempted to order me out of the house because she did not like hearing what I had to say. Because neither my mother or step-dad asked me to leave I said "no" to which my sister thought she would ring the police. My mother quickly stopped her whilst I suggested it might be a good idea. I knew I had done nothing wrong and further invited my sister to follow up with calling the police. I exclaimed "I am sure the police would be very interested in the drug stash you have upstairs?"

"Oh we don't mind you sister having medical marijuana David" says my mum when she came to see me in the granny flat. I say, "No it is not. I thought I would endear myself and have a smoke with my sister. You know I don't normally drink or smoke. Believe me when I say it is low grade street pot laced with something that makes someone like me go into a spin. I spent hours trying to come down after going along one of my sisters late night walks" I also said "...and that oil she is using on top of it has gone through many hands, that too is not legal.

I really could not give a shit about the drugs and if it was as mild and tame as it used to be back in the 80s as I once knew it I probably would of enjoyed having the one off. The fact is my sister has become an addict and if it was all above board she would not be running about hiding it and freaking out every time mum would make an entrance. The way my brother was treated for his pot smoking ways and then to later see my sister acting like this was a huge disappointment when I first discovered she had wound up this way. Long story short the irony is way over the top. To know how far I myself have come as both an x-addict and alchy to see my sister manipulating and playing these games. She overreached today and I made that big decision regarding her and I.

My Step-Dad ... what about him? Well he thinks I still need to be forgiven and all that money he spent on shoulder surgery ... well he just confuses the fuck out of me because after throwing that back in my face I asked for his bank account details to work out a system of payments that whilst would take a long time, would at least maybe help to alleviate whatever pain was coming from his inability to hear how many times I had already expressed gratitude. No such thing as non-conditional love with this lot. I will always be a sinner that owes him money and not worthy of having any input with the latter being his final verdict when it came to my request to simply be heard. He can do what he want's with his money. I don't want or need it.

My Mother? This be the hardest decision for me as my need to finally be understood and appreciated I admit is extreme. Because I pressed for it during this stay with my sister carrying on with her self entitlement, my mouther finally came out with a few home truths that would of been nice to know. The reason my sister from my perspective is always intercepting calls and ever present to what I consider annoying regarding my reintegration is because she is my mothers carer. A lot of angst and misunderstanding could of been alleviated if this was explained earlier to me. Alas I am never told anything. My mother and sister used to talk a lot behind the scenes where much work went into keeping information from both brothers like where was was staying, visiting or living. Keeping us separated was just one of many games. Deception being something that went well with all the secrecy behind the scenes. Another reason I no longer have time for my sister when she drags up all this talk of money. My mother finally made it official and said yes your sister will execute the will. It's the damn secrets they hold onto that is toxic more than the surprises themselves.

Lost track ... back to my mother. I can sympathize that in her twilight years she is in a tricky position wanting the same thing from me that I would like from her - yet knowing I am not the same when it comes to being manipulated. Much more tricky now since my wife has educated me. This brings me to the bitterness that is held towards my wife. I fully appreciate that we can't all be expected to be friends with out sons and daughters partners. I have adult kids of my own where the dynamics of partners is very much a tricky one. But to harbor such bitterness towards these extended family members is just not within me. This side of religious people is the most toxic I have ever seen. The religious bond where my Sister, Mother and Step-Dad pray over uncomfortable issues is really just a *&^&%ing ploy to not deal with or listen to others as well as harbor and justify all that bitterness and then say it is others that are in need of forgiveness?

Am I really on my own with such toxic family dynamics? Surely not?

I won't have them use my labels against me or tell me my wife has short comings. She does way more for me and understands me without that kind of toxic treatment. Sigh -

Best I can say it that I will not share any of this with my mother. Christ knows I have tried enough times. "Oh it hurts ... I can't talk about it ... Your wires name - don't make me say it ... OUCH! - ..."

And with everything that has gone on they still can't see the sense in wishing to use a 3rd party for their will just as they want to use a 3rd party when dealing with me. That right there is knowing what they are doing by putting my sister over me. I fathom it is very much to do with their Christian 'unity' as depicted in those damn 'propaganda films' that traumatized us kids. AND - these biblical types with all the blame and shame which has been clearly enacted on this latest visit are also big on 'punishing' That is huge and why religion is goes hand in hand with militant attitude.

So I wonder if you can see my dilemma re my mother? I know she is 100% genuine with wanting to show and express affection for me just as I wish to do the same for her.

I think I will tell her I do understand her position and spend whatever time I have to spend here watching a few movies with her as I know she would like me to do. However I will have to tell here towards the end when I am leaving (and pick my time doing it) that there will be no sit down with my support person that anything they have to say they can just tell me. I will maybe offer to come back but never when my sister is present and I am happy to come back with support person on a planed visit - BUT just between you guys and me ...

I really want nothing to do with this family anymore. I think I can continue relations over the phone and care less for this toxic concept of a WILL. At least as that concept be for my family. Is best to just expect nothing and work on what I can over the phone with my mother. I really need to put my foot down with all this controlling and game playing. I'll maybe offer my mother a visit after my Stepdad passes away. I won't say it like that but I will allude to it somehow. She knows I wont be doing anyone's funeral. I find those gatherings to be total BS and a massive trigger for families like mine. Best I did with my brother was invite some of his friends that were not welcome and hang up the very back in a corner. My brother really was the only one that understood me as I did him. I've just been clinging to the idea re my mother like a burnt child in need. My therapist will get it.

The only funeral I will do in my life time and I hope I don't have to is either my own children or my wife. We have stickily canceled out any biblical references whatsoever and or religious symbolism. Thankfully the world is offering more options these days with less and less BS being the case with end of life.

I really got to make a stand and let go of this family. I'll leave the lines open for my mum but no longer interested in their will (I always knew it would be bad Kama - my wife is so right about that) or even this granny flat. This visit has really helped to open my eyes.

Now ... another 10 days to go unless I work things out a bit earlier.

salvator here

06-09-2021, 08:38 AM

Wow, thank you for sharing those picture of where you grew up. It looks beautiful.

I"m here for you and reading and the 10 days can't come fast enough.

Ponder

06-10-2021, 06:20 AM

Context: Here I Go Again ...
https://i.ibb.co/PQVh8Hx/On-With-My-Day.gif

I actually don't mind working on auto pilot Sal. This is one I put together not long after my wife decided she needed space. Its been about five years now and I would do well to upgrade that mattress. There is a hell of a lot to be said for routine. I dearly miss it. It's really hard to get the simple things down pat with so much undue stress. A big part of this journal is the abilty to self program. I've lost control of that over the last few years. I've struggled recently with getting back into the basics but going to make another go of things re my self programming.
__________________________________________________ ______________________
______________________
_____

I hate to admit it, but I had to do a backflip and bow down to all three of them. I don't mean to sound or be selfish in saying this, but I also had to do it for myself. Remember when I said I don't do well leaving things on a bad note? Yes I tried a few times and it did not work and for all intent purposes, it still has not when it comes to me being understood for who I am as each of them still wants me to think and feel according to what they see as just. This makes me very sad. This is why words fail me when I am not writing. I'm not sure if people in here would rate me as articulate, but liking to think so ... my point is that when not writing in here ... it hurts me to communicate with words in a world where people would rather tell others how to be, rather than simply just be.

Once this trip is over I will stop writing about the drama of my daily living. I hope to make future posts as mundane as the gif I created so long ago when things where actually much more self directed than they now be - despite my title "Here We Go Again ..." That was from my old YouTube Channel that I never really got going. Mental Health Vlogs.

I hope my wife understands. I think she will if I explain mindfully. I know how much it means to her for me to bend over and simply just take it from the courts. If I can't do it with my own family then I will never be able to do it with anyone outside it. Another way to maybe perceive it, "It's one thing to say I don't give two $#@!s about the money, but then let my ego lead the way." If something is not working, then is best to change one's point of view. I remember saying that recently. That's all I am doing. I did say when attempting to bridge the gaps yet again, that I will not always fit their boxes as that is not who I be, however I will do my best to accommodate their position if it puts them at ease. This meant I had to sit for up to 20 minutes battling the little voice in my head whom was having a hard time with what it was hearing and even more so that when I tried to share my perspective I simply had to accept that I was not being heard with the same mutual respect unless I was agreeing to how they wanted me to be. I did my best to remain true to myself but in a way that just had to allow them what they wanted to see. That is not meaning the next time I see them I will disregard their expectations by allowing my ego to start having it's own set of perquisites that others must fit into. Self respect yes, but that's not it. It's hard to explain without looking like a complete sap.

I basically got to do my best with the principle of 'die to self' even though I am facing what appears to be the total opposite from that which I am facing. My silent demeanor can be very challenging to others who thrive on constant feedback who then become more demanding the longer I pause whilst myself remaining emotionless. I just color coded those words as that is one of many traits where I am not understood. I admit that I also struggle with this trait when I see it in others, so understand why people get conflicted when confronted with said silence. "Are You Listening!" is something that has been repeated a lot to me of late. Not because it is obvious that I am not listening, but because they are wanting an answer straight away and one that they want rather than the mutual act of actually listening. Being on the spectrum can make this really hard when communicating let alone dealing with people that are less willing to provide space.
_______________________________

There are extremes to these dynamics of communicating where the I can be found passionately speaking at speed and well understood but then at other times I am rather slow in thought struggling to find words typically with people who simply either do not respect and or understand me. Basically I stand with much of what I have said regarding my perception of my family and have tried to express how they do not and in my opinion will never understand me. That said, I have often talked about acceptance and ego. It's true, I don't give a shit about the money and whilst frustrated with my sisters focus on it of late regarding her own separation, I do understand he fear of the future and all that it may or may not hold. I for sure do not like the standards and expectations that my stepdad requires of me, but if he says he want's good for me and wants me to accept his desire regardless of how I feel ... I just say or said "It means a lot that you wish that for me, Thank You." I mean what is the point feeding my ego that knows that all three of them will never accept me for who I be.

Let not that last resistive thought diminish that act of giving in and allowing gratitude for the well wishing coming from those others whom are struggling themselves. It frustrates the hell out of me though. lol Alas I am in the best position at this point in my life to temper my ego and hopefully grow from it. There are so many conflicts I struggle to deal with in other people simply from my inability to process as I once did. Like I am still the same as I have ever been but the onion peels that have been stripped away means dealing in general life as the world be and people be ... as the programing and algorithms be ... makes living all that much harder.

In the spirit of the above gif, all I want to do is wake up in the morning and do what I got to do to get trough the day and keep doing it until my time is done. That spirit need not identify with the desires and wants of others, but if it helps me sleep at night, I will concede.

For now - I'll also take another 5mg as well. I skipped last night but since tomorrow is going to be another challenging day saying good by to my sister and dealing with my niece and nephews - every bit of help I can get will count. The good news Sal, is that it looks like I will be able to get away in about 4 days instead of 10. Touch Wood! Do not mistake my willingness to give in as weakness. It's %#@!ing hard core to do but I know in the end once I get back home I will be all the better for it. Then I can truly feel as it I did all I could.

Fact is, when I am supported you would not beleive the difference in the way I am treated.

I might actually have a shave and shower when I wake up tomorrow.

I hope this finds you well.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz another day done!

salvator here

06-10-2021, 10:47 AM

For what its worth.. I think you're doing the 'right thing' by not leaving things in a bad way. You're stronger than I; I'm not even on speaking terms with a lot of my family. I tried several years ago and it failed, but I know in my heart I did my best. I mean we are only human.

I understand you well I think after reading this and our other talks in other places here and you were always there to help me and seemed to know what to say and not say.

Don't worry, you won't get addicted and skipping a day was a good idea. If used for more than 3 day it just starts to lose effectiveness honestly; because, you're not lacking GABA, rather boosting that neurotransmitter to "offset" other areas where stress is causing you issues. An extra 5MG isn't going to hurt. I'm on clonazepam (a benzo) and am trying to actually cut back myself .. and I have indeed from where I was. Without it everything seems daunting and my APRN also doesn't want to to wind up hospitalized again. I just managed it myself and cut back when I can and if I need it, its there.

And I also understand and support you with what ever you want to post or need to. As you see, I don't post much anymore here or elsewhere. I play forum chit-chat and try to help others. I guess I'm just sick of my shit ... haha :)

But I'm glad you had/have this space here and I'm glad to be here to talk to you during this (we'll call it) strange time. Family can be so difficult to deal with when we are supposed (taught) that family it there to comfort us. Well. I've never experienced this phenomenon; myself.

I'm ok, I guess. Ya know, sort of just going on auto pilot here as well most days and just getting through the day and when its bed time (around 10PM) I consider it yesterday and in the past and tomorrow is new day and I never know what I"m waking up to. Sometimes I'm quite scrambled and it takes time for me to get a grip.

Ponder

06-10-2021, 10:51 AM

Despite taking temazepam I still can't sleep? Last night when I did not take it I slept OK but I think that was because the night before, when I took it, I was up all night as well. Go figure. My patterns out way out of sync. I don't know what it is but those mood altering medications never work long for me. I could up the dose but don't want to as coming off it will be worse. Despite my best intentions re the family dynamics I'm just going to have to treat the time I have left here before leaving as no different to when I was doing time in prison.

I'm certain the lack of outside exposure and activity is also playing a part but given the extent of locked doors and hassle of coming and going it is no wonder I'm not so keen on making the effort. I'm certain today at some point I'm going to have to. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz but can't seem to do it.

I'm thinking of going back to sun gazing:
https://i.ibb.co/CK3CGfF/sun-gazing-28754931477-o.jpg

That's another whole post in itself but definitely worth looking into again. Pros and Cons to be sure. LOL

Almost 3am ... I think I will go and try to sleep again.

This next one being one of my favorites. I distinctly remember burning the sensor out of the little camera. Thankfully was cheap to replace:
https://i.ibb.co/9yc4GcK/ocean-sinrise-peaceful-water-13811584345-o.jpg

Wish me luck ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

Ponder

06-10-2021, 04:54 PM

Apologies Sal ... I missed your post. :( ... This only happened because our posts (according to the forum time stamps [when logged in]) ended up 4 minutes apart with yours ending up on a previous 'page' and mine on a new one. I only picked up on yours after finally getting some sleep.

Having only just got up and clearing the fog out of my brain and now going to make a Cuppa ... I thought I best explain having been so self consumed of late and then missing your post only to continue going on about myself.

I reply in full shortly although you do not require it and totally get the bit about your frequency and length of posting.

I'll be back in a bit, although your probably now sleeping. If so may it be restful - dare I say blissful. lol Whatever that even is.

Talk soon.

Ponder

06-10-2021, 11:22 PM

Got held up for most of the day. It's all you can do Sal and unfortunately yes we are only human. To some degree I enjoyed the long break from my family after my brother's death and only reinitiated contact thinking it would be good for healing unresolved and or deep seeded issues. Despite doing my best to end on good terms I still question the wisdom in reconnecting. At the end of the day when we die, the less we have to take with us wherever we go, the easier it will be to let go. Of course we can do this within ourselves without having to force ourselves back into the lives of others in order to do so. In many situations it is best to make this act a very personal one.

Thanks for the advice on the medication. It sounds wise and is very much appreciated. I am so exhausted I think I will be able to survive tonight without the meds.

Yes this space has been extremely helpful. It's the reason I have been able to leave on a good note although still a few days to go.

I'm glad your doing OK and I like how you have been outlining your daily activity's when you do. It's been a while since I have gone this deep for so long with my posts. Generally I just like to waffle on about other random things, although somewhat as passionately; I guess.

Given how exhausted I feel, I think I will just watch some stuff either on Netflix or YouTube. Both about as wholesome as junk food :)

That said I thought the following was a pretty good watch:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZl55PsfZJQ
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Thanks for being here Sal.

salvator here

06-11-2021, 04:32 PM

You're welcome, always good to hear from you.

I have nothing to leave anybody anyway or anybody to leave anything to, I've never had much, very basic clothes on my back guy. Actually, this has helped me with my enormous hospital bill that i"ll never pay and there is nothing to take ;)

I will check out that movie - thanks for the suggestion. Yeah, sometimes just allow something to take you away.

Next week I'll start journal again also in my thread. Lots to talk about actually. Spoke to my therapist today and she had a hard time getting me off the phone as I kept bring up things. So much pent up. Hard to explain, but all-in-all doing better today. I'm not ashamed to admit, while I was here physically yesterday, I thought it was Wednesday all day and today I thought my computer date was wrong ... so I lost a day. Oh well; talk about auto-pilot.

So I guess this visit is almost up. Home sweet home soon enough. When you recover you'll back into swing of things and posting as normal.

PS: And some day you should get a nice mattress. One thing I have to have is a nice bed if nothing else. They paid a lot for it I think.

About 6:30 here and will eat and watch Netflix or Shudder even if a classic like:

Little Shoppe Of Horrors .. I never get sick of both the original and the remake.

wishing you well :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPZVjxWMLpo

Ponder

06-11-2021, 09:38 PM

That's the most uplifting introduction to a horror movie I have seen. TY :)

For me you hit the nail on the head with that insight into having ^%$#@ all to give. At least in matters of money and materials. Sadly individuals are only ever measured in money and materials. Once you get past bias, it is still the same. Please excuse my passionate choice of words as the topic of money is generally one that is either 'shrouded greed' or just outright plain toxic no matter who is or how is being discussed. Less really is best and that is something I am sure all of us struggle to learn. It's really depressing to see how societies value system really works. Like even when you remove the bias as pointed out in the Netflix Doco on 'Coded Bias' what is left is still a system that values human worth solely on how much is in ones bank and how much one owns. From the roof over one's head to the kind of care you receive - I am gutted to see so many missing out and know just how ungrateful I can be. I'm working on it.
__

Is good you have someone that will listen. I actually used this forum a lot more when I did not. You just got to ask yourself "is it helping?" and I am betting from when you do post and or the readings I would read of yourself in here; that it does. Of course depending on where one is and or what is happening that degree of and or passion kind changes as we go along. It's all episodic regardless of label. Life is all about cycles. I too often loose days and even down to hours and seconds. Whilst it can be problematic I often much prefer living like that.
__

YES - I must put in a reminding into my calendar to purchase a mattress at my next opportunity. It really is like the SIMs game when it comes to such things. At least a huge benefit to be had that is often neglected or poorly rated.

Yes as well to this drama almost being over but the reality is that there is still plenty of uncertainty back at home. That said, my wife and I have experience dealing with unpredictability and making the most out of such instability; it OK. One of the many perquisites that my stepdad placed upon me during my attempt to put him at ease was that I 'need' to 'learn' to be more predictable. --- Long Pause ---

Is it any wonder that this thing called forgiveness is so misconstrued when viewed against the background 'and' essence of acceptance.

I'm going to hit enter on this and start again re the benefit of starting a new post that deals more with this aspect I have had to digest since arriving in this space. I had a blast watching that link :) and the reminder for a good mattress is spot on! The insight re having less just as important for me. So so true!

With respect to mu usual postings - I'll probably remain somewhat deep in contemplation, make all kinds of mistakes and continue to be long winded. The reason I always come back is two fold.

1. This space I feel comfortable in is still here.
2. Because more often than not, writing for me really helps.

The fact that the forum is not that active whilst appealing can actually be quite confronting. However it's no my, yours and anyone else's fault that people choose not to post. I do become a little sensitive to that side bar algorithm that if it were not there I may not be viewed as over-posting, shadowing, overwhelming and so on. My name would only pop on in mostly one section and I would feel much better about that ... because sometimes I just need to write more than once a day, yet I also still like the connections that are to be had with those able to connect. Such is why I persist in a public space.

With that said I'm going to take a dose of contemplative thought thinking about what's been and how I would do well to outline my return. This is another great benefit with journaling for those of us that struggle with processing.

Ponder

06-12-2021, 04:43 AM

Post Processing. Leads on from last image. The sun has barely moved whilst the water has progressed giving me a moment that best reflects the words I overlaid.
https://i.ibb.co/N9mvVYB/between-the-sun-i-16717723713-o.png

Post Processing Indeed:
It took me quite a bit to be in that sate of mind. Oh boy, how I miss it.

My ride comes tomorrow and will be staying overnight with me before we leave the following morning. Despite my best efforts I feel gutted. I did play my part today and enjoyed very much connecting with my nephews whom are very close to my grandsons age. I have a natural gift with children. On my next planed trip away I intend to visit the town my niece is in and visit the boys. As for adults ... I am severely handicapped and care less to admit it.

My sister is now gone. Just before she left she got a call to advice she may well be 250K better off re her's and her X-husbands house. LOL @ the Irony. I sincerely hope her fears about the future are relieved and all this talk of money subside. I'm just sad she makes no effort to understand me and continues to tell me what I should and should not do. Very much the same as my step father who's very presence and demeaner depresses me. I've never been so drained by my families presence in all my life. I wish my stepdad a quick passing with as little pain as possible, my sister the biggest house she want's as possible and my mum ... hmmmmm

I know she is looking for joyous reciprocation as she went to hug and kiss after I popped in to get permission to use the washing machine and retire for the evening. I got to say I am just a shell at the moment and a little disappointed with myself that also for the first time in a while, I was lacking in my attempt to give my mum what she wanted. It the constant expectation to fit into some way of being that best befits their perception and the continual criticisms when not meeting their expectations. The very fact they are still carrying on like so after the string of losses and attempted reconciliations I put down to their system of belief which in the end has only severed to keep them from having ever grown.

Me - I do not propose I am any better. It's not about that.

I am post processing my perception through the lens of acceptance. Whilst I feel as rejected as I have ever been when in the presence of my family with shallow attempts and failing expressions all round - the acceptance I seek can only be found in a langue my family do not comprehend. I do not NEED to LEARN to be PREDICTABLE. Mt stepdad was a practicing physiatrist when he first met my mother, where he was working out of a mental hospital. His attempt to council me and his adopted family all these years just distorts his role within the family. Control and position with the adoption of religion has truly seen this man orchestrate some major rifts and great suffering in my family. Alas he will go to his grave with great sorrow (It does not make me feel good to express like so) as I see it written across his face when he looks at me. I'm not expressing out of bitterness. This rigid and 'predictable' mind set can never understand the language of acceptance as I perceive it. We are on two different paths to be sure with two opposing views yet I do not want the conflict but think its something we both have to just accept.

I know the Bible nearly as well as they yet thought better of it when it came to that Verse Vs Verse BS ... but did feel the compulsion to quote much on the topic of acceptance despite so many conflicts in said scriptures. Best to leave well alone and just let them make their beds as they may. It's crazy Sal ... They gave God the credit for all my attempts to make peace as perceived in their delusional states whilst proclaiming to each other, that my backing down was the act of me asking for forgiveness. As I calmly gave one what they wanted, that person would then say "now I think you should go talk to ..."

Can you sense the dysfunction and insanity here?

I repeat once more. I am soooooo drained.

I will do my best to recharge tonight. I will perk up for my mother in the morning. Help with some IT computer issues they have, get their DVD working, do my laundry and prep to pack for the following morning. I'll give her a spirited and warm hug and kiss at the beginning of the day and in the evening and then once more when leaving in the morning. I'll just thank my father for his advice knowing he will never be content with who I be regardless of his best wishes.

I'll just focus on phone contact with my mum. I'll ring my sister although it is always me ringing. I just wont fuss over it is all. It was always my ringing my biological Dad before he died and is that same with my eldest son. I've just accepted that is my role in this life. I ring because they do actually answer from time to time and when they do ... despite the dynamic, Its not as toxic and when I weight it up I feel I genuinely have added something of worth to their life. Of course I also feel good for doing so as well. Over time this will fade as everything in life does. I'm certainly in no rush with contacting any of them with all that being said. I am going to need a lot more time to charge myself back up to be of any worth ... to anyone.
_________________________________________

Need to make appointment with GP and return the medication she prescribed. Given the paranoia in the way they hand it out I think that will be saying something. Chuckles at that from my perspective. Basically I will be giving feedback with the return of the pills and requesting next time she gives me what I know works. The Valium itself. The same stuff (diazepam) that the psychiatrist game me last time. That did not keep me up like this last batch did. I don't use the stuff to sleep in general. I just use it to stop having my extreme bouts of PTSD recall and automatic manic looping episodes. In those events I need something that is going to work regardless of derivatives that claim less side effects over time. I simply don't take pills over that kind of time and I think I need to clear this up with this doctor for the next time I go to make a request.

My therapist and I had a good chat. He is also going to update my DX/diagnosis/s with the good doctor/gp as I question their acceptance of it of late after having mentioned it. My therapist has also taken not of this as well. If any of my supports on not on the same page as me, then I have to look at dropping them. The GP in my regard is not a professional when it comes to my DXs and they are given too much power to dismiss which I have come to know is a very destructive ability if you do not keep a tack of your GPs developing bias. This is just part of the Game I have talked about many times. Now having said all that ... she is the best doctor I have found with a good heart towards my conditions, however just like good intending police just starting out at the academy, most are quickly tainted by the toxic system as I perceive it with me being byproduct. Byproduct through the lens of acceptance; as best as I can practice. I just need to have a chat to my doctor and bring her up to speed in way that puts us on the same page. Over all she is pretty good.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Also working on a new respite location so next time an unplanned time out is needed based on crisis or emergency I might just qualify for assistance and a place in which to relocate for a small period of time which means there is no reason anymore for me to rely on my parents. Yet another to do for the list.

I'll be back to stealing kisses in good form soon enough: :) Goodnight ... ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
https://i.ibb.co/T8BgMwq/blog.jpg

Ponder

06-12-2021, 06:07 AM

My step dad was big on using democracy as an buzz word during his lectures to me on this most recent visit. I would of responded in line with the following, except I knew to do so might kill him; hear attack and all. This also defines some of the essence of the term mainstreamers as I often us it. Delusional states of perception - falling within social engineering as to perception management. Mass control and sheep. Sometimes I sense Russel compromises some of what he says for his popularity but the following does make a lot of sense regarding the deception of so called democracy. More and more people just don't give a fuck about politics anymore. More and more pills are made to stem the tide during this phase. Democracy? What a load of BS. Ha.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnJDWnB-Ugc

Ponder

06-12-2021, 07:37 AM

Just going to finish with this one and definitely go get some ZZZZZZZZs. Like the guy talking in the time stamp, I too do not see Buddhism as a religion although know there are many people that do. Western Buddhism is seemingly tainted with hierarchy, robes, trinkets and likewise symbiology however the fundamental practice itself does seem far removed from predictable thoughts and behaviors. I will LOL at that one as the needs and instructions given by my stepdad has triggered my ego which is why I now seek to delve into the opposite line of thought to which some aspects of Buddhism as I have experienced ... I have known to give me peace. It's not an easy practice to get back into and it has nothing to do with previously mentioned robes, trinkets and symbiology. I have found some practitioners in the west that offer up mindfulness practices in line with long past eastern mindsets. That is to say without all the paraphernalia as imaged on the internet. Meditation I have said many times is something I would do really well to get back into. It helps to avoid the language that keeps us bound to 'predictability' like sheep being mustering into a pen. The process of being easily led.

I myself would do well (not need) to fathom the difference between routine and the ability to disconnect.

This being the type of deep thought I used to write about when on track:

https://youtu.be/pLbSlC0Pucw?t=4320

Ponder

06-12-2021, 03:14 PM

Good Morning:

I will continue to draw from my previous bouts of inspiration hoping that I may soon find the space in which to simply sit and allow myself to be … as I be. In this I would also be mindful that this state of mind is the best place for me to be as allowing of others that they too can be as they be:

https://i.ibb.co/H41bV0j/Goodmorning.jpg

Good morning. I had some weird dream that may be considered an attack but because I choose not to take on such a system of belief I do not feel so rattled. If I cared to reason a determination from it, it might be an atmosphere of insecurity based on this past week events and leave it at that. Dissecting it with too much thought after I wake back up into this world distracts me from the act of simply sitting and allowing myself to be as well as allowing others as they be. So it is that I ended up surmising how it was that my ego wanted me to sabotage the day before it had begun.

My posts are going to sound rather generic now as I seek to disidentify from the characters of this BS play preformed on the stage we call life. All is not lost as I may still entertain with sounding more like a disgruntled monk. I suppose better than nothing or perhaps a step into a direction that I have found more accepting than anything else. I can still call out things as I see them, but the way in which I view them will be less personal in thus hopefully a more beneficial way when talking about people, places and things; yet still remain as honest as I am able. Positive is not always preferable when it covers truth as we personally know it. This be my more healthy take on depersonalization. hmmm perhaps It really is all in the language we choose to use and that always be changing. That rather long lecture being the very last link I posted had both the Buddhist Scholar and a Theoretical Physicist agree on the retelling of stories in different ways that point to the same thing. The key ingredient seemingly be; compatibility? That being perhaps a system of being for the monk and a system of thinking of for physicist where both systems in their variables to conclude whatever, allow for different approaches that point to the same thing - or is it the same? Need it be and or is it as fallible as the term in which so many of us use the word - need.

Perhaps not the words or terms themselves but how we choose to use them. This I am sure is closer to the mark and something being that which drives the keyboard is more critical to living than that of the computation and or ability to fathom how it all works.

In this, the act of learning need not be implied but simply allowed through the act of observing. This latter sentence really sums up the rejection often felt when we assume as much of others. This really is the big take home for me. The sentence now in question, takes the word 'need' that is often 'used' to imply a negative view but instead highlights how it is that the ego seeks to always be in control with said 'telling's.' A language used destined to keep people, places and things all lined up in a way that is 100% predictable. This is far from an observation way of being in as much that is not an objective way to be. It's dictatorial entrenched in absolutes with little room for acceptance. So much so that it comes off as rejection and in this is the exact light what Russell was referring to when talking about the the political and cultural crises of pharmaceuticals. People are sick of being told, suffering the blame and shame from conditioned responses that fester in our families and fractured communities.
___________________________________

OK - best I can do for now. I think they be good observations that may better allow me to continue giving those what others claim to 'need' in order to live with their pain, however my efforts are only momentarily as when I am gone, the only thing I ever conceded was not being reactionary. I never agreed to anything. All I have really given is a cordial presence that does not give what only others can give to themselves.

One final image from made from a number of my own with a dash of google pics mixed in. I find it somewhat insightful given mankind's latest push to return to the moon. That basically where ever they wish to end up, as long as they remain entrenched with the desire to know everything and control everyone, the will be doomed wherever they go. If there is a so called God, I definitely sense he is far what we think he is. Personally, I no longer beleive in anything ... I simply don't feel it to a critical thing to existence. In fact - I am very much all about disconnecting from everything we have been conditioned to beleive and that belief itself as as fractured as society.

The political dynamics of the current space race many are not aware is reflected well in this piece I did so long ago.
https://i.ibb.co/NxpJ85x/dooms-day-13957100822-o.jpg

I will be truthful and say that I will be somewhat numb in my feeble attempts today. I mean well but am truly exhausted and if that cannot be accepted of me today, that is on others and not myself. I mean not for that to sound selfish ... it is as it be because as I have no other way to describe it in my present state. I suppose it is not a bad state to be in as that's when its easy to allow myself to be swept away. re my old poem I overlaid a few posts back. So to it is the same in the above image. When viewed like that there is not conflict, no dooms day ... it is as shall be as it be. I do struggle but do what I can to accept seeing what I see. Whilst I struggle to take the mood altering medications and rarely on them compared to others whom are more able yet also struggle similar to me, I am very much in the same boat and consider us all to be brothers and sisters. I often wish I was not so chemically predispositioned so that I too could function with the assistance of medication. I don't know why it is so for me, but It is as it be.

In that I am content to be swept away.

salvator here

06-12-2021, 04:58 PM

I'll be back to stealing kisses in good form soon enough: :) Goodnight ... ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
https://i.ibb.co/T8BgMwq/blog.jpgHey Dave.. about 7PM here and I read every word. Thank you for sharing and being so honest and I'm always glad to listen.

I absolutely LOVE this adorable picture. :)

Ponder

06-12-2021, 05:04 PM

Hi Sal, I was very much hoping you might. :)

Ponder

06-13-2021, 12:22 AM

It kind of loses it's charm after a while but what the hell. Let's just put it down to another disorder.

https://i.ibb.co/J2WFKx4/FFS-kissing-wife.jpg

My savior is here and settling in for the night then I head back to start annoying my wife with more kisses.

I'll cap off and finish this saga once and for all and pass you the torch.

I told my Dad that I am fine with who I am and if he can't accept that then that is for him to carry and not me. My mum told me she understands. I hung out their washing with mine and have since bought it in. My mum and I will hug one more time and I'll be out of here as quick as you can say -
I LOOSEN THE DEVIL IN YOU!

Although we'll make sure no one says that and that we all leave on good terms. Even if we all have to pretend.
____________________________________

PS - Is OK ... I am not turning into a monk either. That's too much work. I need to heal myself and I would have to make my own version of such a thing.

I have no idea what I'll post next. Perhaps yet another attempt and clean eating and or exercising. Is always worth trying.

salvator here

06-13-2021, 01:33 PM

Have a safe trip home :)

Ponder

06-15-2021, 05:26 AM

Thanks Sal. My plants have been looked after well whilst I was gone and it's been such a relief to both see and be with them again. It really is turning into a great place to sit and relax:

Much of the same triggers are still very much present but we are all ready to face and deal with them as they come.
https://i.ibb.co/QHKQJbQ/Plant-progress.jpg

I ended up watching the THE RITE with Anthony Hopkins ... again. What I learned is that I don't beleive in myself. However, that IS ok just as it's OK to beleive in nothing. What is not ok is despair and anguish. I'm still in much need of quiet time which I will be seeking to find in my own home at the right times. It's about 9pm during this post before I hit enter where I hope to hit my bed around 10pm regardless of knowing I will drag my phone into bed with me but choose something mellow to enter into whatever dreams come.

I am off the medication for now and will be requesting the valium for next time round and not this weakened variety. I don't need meds for general sleep. When I decide to take them, its for full blown manic PTSD bouts. I have arranged appointment with GP in the 2 weeks time. My phycologist has agreed to come with me and help educate the GP. Basically I will challenge my doctor as she did not answer my question during last visit when I stated and asked "You don't seem convinced about my diagnosis/s, please do tell me what you think?" This was after she asked who gave me the diagnosis. Well, when I give her back the pills she prescribed, she is also going to meet the professional who diagnosed me. I will continue to push the question I last asked her asking for a response this time. Of course I will be somewhat more diplomatic about it, however I think she will get my point. Many GPs are over-empowered and way out of the league when they do on the spot diagnosing when asking whatever questions. I can smell she has an issue with my therapist being registered and not clinical, however what she does not understand is the team he works with and those overseeing him. His diagnosis are also based on previous clinical phycologist and psychiatrist who stated .... xyz needs to be investigate. So we did with a team of people over the course of MANY hours!!! That is what I will be making a point of and I will expose the bias I sense in her and if I do not feel she in on the same page with my next visit after when just with my support worker and additionally if she does not focus on me and continues to allow her bias ... then I am done with her and prepared to start all over again. The next one I start fresh on ... I'll start with the therapist attending that one and I'll burn through all of them until I meet one that is not going to challenge me like so. How quick these types are to dismiss after so much effort has gone with with so many other people. PFFFT

I may not be able to keep them all honest, but I will one at a time.

SIGH - GPs ... They can be as problematic and pharmacists plying doctor & doctors playing psychologists!!! I doubt I will change doctors as I have already said she it quite good, but I do need to set her straight and ensure she is on the same page. That I will do. basically once done, I avoid that section of the health care system as much as possible. Yet I know it unavoidable to some degree and if you intend on using the system for any length of time with support in mind, then you got to build a case and educate them. Hat's off to my therapist for agreeing to be flexible with our regular appointments, more so creative. He dislikes the system as well and seems to enjoy working with me. Love writing supporting letters that actually support the clients whilst challenging the system and those complacent in it that may or may not stand in our way. I thought what a great idea to challenge the GP! Let's see how she raises an eyebrow in front of the both of us and thereafter when I attend with my regular supports. Complacency sets in when they get too comfortable and it is the same with me when I allow them to start leading me instead of me being included with regards to implied choice and control. You go to watch em!

OK - letting go of that shit until appointment time. There are a few other hurdles I have to deal with regarding supports but I seem able to just let all that slide until those appointments come up. I am going to focus on rebuilding my outdoor exposure which I have missed since being away from home. I don't have any dogs barking at me here when I go outside home / backyard and I also have my bicycle to slowly take the back routes if the need arises. That might be worth a few photos in itself.

Despite feeling the GP needs to be updated and take things a little more seriously, I will be letting other facets of said system buffer with all it's conflicting administrations and what not until such a time it just becomes apparent that more needs doing. Just need to organize another place other than my parents when it comes to an unplanned time out for next time around. That too I has set in place but needs to be left on the backplate before I can get an answer. I've pretty much got all the stuff that needs doing set up.

In the mean time I need to take a page out of my grandson's book and do like he in the following - GOODNIGHT ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz

https://i.ibb.co/qrBppq5/Threshold-Joey-sleepiing-with-plants.jpg

Ponder

06-15-2021, 04:03 PM

I really got to stop barking point blank let alone up the wrong tree. This is why I don't do medications and avoid dealing with doctors point blank. Just like the medications I got to stop the supports to some degree. It's like with me uncontrolled eating I find myself a victim to my own selfish desires. The conflicts within the whole system does my head in so all I am really doing is banging my head against the wall by even attempting to reach out for help. I continue to write about this struggle in the efforts to remind myself how much I may benefit if I just give up relying on so called disability supports. Again not exactly black and white as they get you by the balls with the basics of 'living' which I have lost complete sight of.

On with my day.

Ponder

06-15-2021, 11:58 PM

arrrr fuck it, time for a bit of hetero trans comedy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKJ2lviiq1Y

Works for me - Good period!
Too challenging for for most today. It's a bird? it's a plane? No it's a man! My God!!! Get out of the Ladies you Dirty Bastard!!! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/lol/elephant-lol.gif (http://www.sherv.net/)

Must be getting bored. Have been watching this guy back to back. I never really knew about him. Had seem him every now and then but really can't get enough atm. It's The Dog's Bullocks! (https://www.bbcamerica.com/anglophenia/2011/09/frasers-phrases-the-dogs-bollocks)

Ponder

06-16-2021, 04:01 PM

Only have 30 minutes for this. Indifference would be good about now when it comes to relations with all humans as perceived from my world given historical and recent events. Recent events having been surmised as rigid unchanging ways of being in the light of flexibility and willingness. I won't say forgiving as is just with the word God, it too has lost all meaning. Yet Satan need not smile as too he does not exist. No, the metaphor and or excuse commonly used to rewrite the program of those unlearning also does not fit and or compute. That is to say - when others say - "Not believing is exactly where the devil wants you!"

Such comes from a source that only ever lives within the realm of absolutes, rules and regulations streamed with standards and expectations. Another way it spins from recent trip is my stepdads requirement for predictability. It is the same within the establishments of all things science as it is with biblical text. Part and parcel to the same prison.

Much of what I say here is not heard nor seen by those whom go through the maze of predictability as they murmur from day to day. But that is OK - this really is about how I can disconnect from my own self just as much as it is the human race. For me, that is saying something. I know I said, " don't worry I'm not becoming a monk, that takes too much effort ..." I'm just disappointed that I don't have the strength and can see the appeal when others refer to such a life style as no more than an emotionless bot. Now whilst I sense that comment shows a complete misunderstanding or a comment that chooses to simply validates one's own preferences, I can see how dealing with emotion by being objective does not mean a individual be devoid of them. Moreover, is about controlling them - but for me the focuses more in disconnection. Albeit from the human race.

So then with only a few minutes to go before I end this train of thought … Relationships?

The world being a sea of emotion in a unstable world makes for a toxic mix whereby in order to remain objective and free oneself from said prison, distance is required! Hence disconnection. Indifference? hmmmmm

Ponder

06-17-2021, 05:05 AM

Fucking Computers
Something a little light to start with: I mean Life really is a joke after all?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6C_HjWr3Nk

Only four days to go until the full frontal attack begins in the Federal Circuit Courts AKA The Fucking Circus! It looked like the Independent Child Lawver was going to get an adjournment but the judge must be sick of it all dragging on as has ordered everyone to ready up on the front lines! We are feeling confident but you just never know with these egoistical overlords that rule as they do. My therapist has highlighted well the court room contention and how it is that my own historical predisposition will not bode well under all that courtroom drama. My affidavit and presence has be requested via phone with said therapist letter. What makes the case special is the amount of support we have in our family despite numerous disabilities as DXed for Mother, Grandson, Grandfather all having ASD lvl2 with my wife complementing us all with her debilitating disease of MS. Thank you Lord Jesus! Praise be to ye. Basically My wife, daughter and myself are all separate parties facing the abusive child beater head on. Once again ... seven years in the making.

Well actually my wife is pretty much the backbone of our family and doing well all things considered. Having support and making it work has been critical in our approach to protect our grandson as well as ourselves. The fact that my therapist who now sees my daughter is willing to travel hundreds of kilometers/miles for free of charge to stand by my daughter as a Makenzie Friend says quite a lot about the quality of support we receive. Fostering that relation has meant a lot for my family. To be sure we are a good guinea pig family but the essence really is how he cares about the work his does and as already mentioned, he has seen enough of hospitals, prisons and the like to know just how cruel and damaging the system can be.

The JUDGE-ing and amount of it in these proceedings over the years has imo accounted for much of my daughters distrust in society and I fully encourage it all the way when it comes to turning our backs on the way we all treat eachtoher in this pathetic controlling world/prison. If we win this case is it because of our own efforts and no thanks to those that sit behind the bench and those who make a living with likewise BS text. Tooth and nail we have stayed the course in relation to those who would raise their hands on children and bring it down with all their self importance and sheepish ideals. At least for this bastard who flogs our little grandson when in his care.

Sadly my niece has taken on this role by asking the kids "DO YOU WANT A SMACK!" Child: " What do you think? You fucking stupid or something? Sigh ... fucking Christian mentality with a dose of hands on disciple. Of course many people who don't beleive in God love to take belt the kids like so. I said it before, if your the type to justify raising your hands or flogging kids with whatever, then you too are as good as a child basher. Oh I know how hard it can be dealing with difficult kids - but when you grab or touch them in anger you feed this worlds evil desire to hate and live bitter filled lives. I can't even stand hearing anyone let alone parents raising their voices with that hate filled tone that does as much damage as a good and so called proper bashing. It guts me to hear my eldest boy often talk in such a manner - yet I hold myself accountable right now in my own tone. My only consolation is that I do it here in this space and with all my might do all I can not to direct such frustration at my own family. In fact ... that is exactly why I left the house for timeout. I had just completely forgot that the people where I was seeking refuge from where so controlling and abusive. What turned out to be an escape ended up being just yet another painful lesson. I did really well though and more to the point of the title of this thread did it because I was supported; over the phone.

There was a time and I am sure there will be again and again, that my family would be scrutinized for the amount of labeled dysfunction, yet in that pain and confusion we have always been there for eachtoher. I have had so called professionals tell me to close the door on my children but my wife and I completely disagreed but whilst understanding the pit falls of enabling have always left the doors open. Fuck doing what others out in the world say just because they got some PHD or a badge of authority. You see, whilst we have worked out the importance of seeking supports, what matters more is our ability to help ourselves first and foremost. I've questioned many times my current supports, the amount of them and all that fucking marketing and greed. You really got to stay away from supports that are clinically dependent and bound by authority. To be sure you wont get anyone who is not bound by this fucked up system, but you can tell the one's who are trying to make a difference. Those be the ones you want to connect with.

Two faced I know. One minute I am trying to disconnect, and the next I am talking about making connections. In that light its more about connecting with people that understand the benefits in 'unplugging.' I often talk in circles but hey ... Alan watts has done many lectures on the snake eating its own tail.

SIGH ... madness I know and disclaimer here → I don't know shit and not telling anyone what they should or should not do. I am just some byproduct otherwise known as human that has lived XY&Z who has found the act of writing 'anything' that helps to pave my way through ... whilst in this phase of whatever that be however long it need. I express much of what I fear and in doing so appear the biggest hypocrite of all. Yet I know for now this is as much a therapy as anything else I choose to do. One that does not see me yelling or smacking those dependent on me. As for my earlier post on relations and the need for distance ... that very much still stands. So much so that one day I may have to disconnect from those closest to me that I may one day find myself and in that process quiet the insanity the emanates so loudly from all those full of so much despair, hatred and bitterness ... all those that make up this world.

The world is just so violent on all fronts. Those in the court proclaiming to fight for justice do so ruthlessly. Those saying grace do so egotistically "Dear Lord, bless this food and by the way please forgive bla bla and fucking bla" Those working so hard chastising anyone not, Those not preforming at XY&Z told they are not worthy ... - Just skim any comments on social media and you can see just how much those whom preach motivation, success, abundance and so on ... see how quick they turn into pricks when they are not feeling so motivated, successful or abundant. Hell, many of these types put others down in their wake when flippantly show boating their profiles. In this many of us struggle to contain our disgust. Thus is the residual pain good old Eckhart Tolle so often talks about. Spreads like fire with us all playing our part. Is easy to look all nice and squeaky clean when blessed with the means. Thinks squeaky clean audience? Have you ever wondered about that with those online guru chats? Where are all the old, sick and unbalanced/normal individuals? Interesting dynamic to be sure. Typically people who have the means to travel the world, have several jobs, homes, cars and so on. Perhaps an exaggeration but I think my point stands. Not saying these are fake people, but they do at times come across as fake audiences. I know it's not a healthy perception and if I can see past that I can still get nuggets of gold. I get both nuggets of gold and something about my intuition also says something is not quite right when it comes to the equality factor re said fake audiences - that perhaps there is something else as big in that realization in how those that really need to hear the message are nowhere to be seen. Of course those more fortunate typically come up wit all kinds of judgements in why that be - at least the fake ones who get caught up in the wellness ego me me me.

You know what - I'm insecure and don't mind saying it. I mean not to do the very same thing I hate seeing in others yet here I am doing it. I'm working on it I guess. No wonder I want to disconnect.

I'm going to give the following a listen. Have not heard it yet but the title grabbed my attention and was why I had to admit as I did on the previous line. The title seems to make me feel better yet I know there is probably another log for me to pull out of my eye. More like an issue of how to look at life without going insane. I'll link the image - consider going for a walk and having a listen or just lay back and see where it leads. He is pretty easy to listen to compared to most neurotics fast talking presenters filling our heads with BS on YouTube.

I'll probably fall asleep listening to him and post about it all in the morning. Is all good ... if your a child basher or thought it never hurt you as a kid, then may I suggest you would do well to listen as well? Beater or Beaten and or generally both ← we are as insecure as the other. Let's break the cycle. See you on the other side.

https://i.ibb.co/mTpV26M/Allan-watts.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhAareENqbg)

salvator here

06-17-2021, 07:12 AM

Hi Ponder.

Sorry I've been quiet. I've been reading. Haven't been doing all that well myself I'm afraid. Just really mixed up and when I was in the grocery store yesterday and saw all that alcohol staring at me, it took great strength. I don't know.
The world being a sea of emotion in a unstable world makes for a toxic mix whereby in order to remain objective and free oneself from said prison, distance is required! Hence disconnection. Indifference? hmmmmm I never forget last year when you said: being unstable in an unstable world is normal. Right now, I'm quite disconnected from practically everything. I don't know. Hope you feel better.

Ponder

06-17-2021, 04:05 PM

I just got up my good friend and reading you well now. If I may again share another from my collection of photographs I enjoyed taking very much. As usual I use a filter overlaid on my images as often the subject is not so much what is in the front, nor in the back, but everything in between. This be something that is more felt than seen. I'm glad you had the insight to see as you did when gauging those bottles who looked at you as they dared to do. :) That's a A+ share. Thanks Sal. Had you busted I would not of thought any less of the person I have come to know. That said I feel that numbness and position from which many of us now find ourselves viewing. I know well that you can't always post but when you do I feel what your saying. I make more of an effort to change my tone with this post hoping it offers a little more than my previous expression.

Untainted Radiance
https://i.ibb.co/Tc6rQnJ/Wonderment-Gif.gif

I remember that too Sal. "being unstable in an unstable world ..." and that context being with normality. But if I could at least correct myself or better focus the point on normality as I would attempt to render it. Can you remember how it was that I also alluded (attempted to do so often) before often going of track, that our dysfunction is something that affords us the opportunity to see more clearly than those who subscribe to normality. When I say subscribe, think 'identify.' That is to say how often we identity with being broken in a broken world. Back then I guess I said what I did from a point of view seeking comfort by including myself as part of a whole that is suffering with many others. That it is normal to suffer as we do. To be sure I was contrasting it against a background that chooses not feel but rather hide one's state of being by thinking and feeling XY&Z. That machine in our head that ticks and tocks the way it does can quickly defrag and mess us up when we resist what we feel. On just that point I now understand more the title of my chosen image for the post. Untainted Radiance. The ability to just let what comes in come in and what goes out goes out. Radiance being that which builds up during that process. Reflection not in the same league as that state of being seemingly more resistant.

I'm just trying to get a good grasp on things but attempt to do so with no more effort than my grandson is doing (in image above) when learning on the glass and looking out. At the moment these words come to me with reasonable ease whilst I care less what others think. That said, when outside of my comfort zone I struggle very much. Is good we have this space.
_______________________________
______

Disconnect. Given my drive for it and your ending sentence I feel I should clarify a 'call to distance' myself from something that I have not clearly defined. Here comes the insanity as I see it Sal. Our language clearly fails on this level the deeper we go. I regret not being able to neatly sow it all up via my own expressions. I sense each of us knows that as we almost get to some kind of point but then often declare that "I don't know." All the same I think it's great to make said admission. It really does seem to be more about the process of experience than the capacity for knowledge. I can only express with limiting words by allowing what I see regardless of confusion or knowing. Perhaps if I could attempt to take your position with those bottles staring as they do, that it is only in my gazing that I could possible walk away without falling victim to my own perceptions. Staring Vs Gazing? One is fully resistant whilst the other allowing.

Whatever you chose, you did well to walk out and later post as you did. But if I could just finish on that perspective of disconnection?

Damn it ... only 10 minutes left. ... O Oh ... resistance. -0 - 0 - Takes a deep breath. Have you heard the concepts or contexts of only when in our lowers point ... think AA Alcoholics Anonymous but not the 12 steps, instead Rock Bottom! Eckhart Tolle often resonates the same point that we generally only come to 'see' or find a way that offers an out when at such a low point. BUT none of us really wants to be at such a point or keep hitting rock bottom in order to find our way. So it is for me that my desire (for lack of a better word) to disconnect is based on distancing myself from what I 'sense' (not know) does not work. In that I am now changing my words from when I would often say "... Focus on what I 'know' works ..." I often mess up with my own words.

Alas ... I think I sense your context when you say you feel disconnected from practically everything. I also have a format in the way I think that seeks to turn things upside down which Is why I often enjoy taking words that are commonly used to influence, sell, persuade and so on. Especially given how normal it is to be unstable in an unstable world. All of us here in this forum are quite unique and special in our own way. Fuck being normal ... currently I say the world is blind but I don't want to hold it against the world in my usual bitter expression. I would rather leave that wall for someone else to bang their head. Far be it for me to knock it down as perhaps it is needed in others to learn. Chuckles at such a philosophy.

I'm just aiming to look at that window as I once did like my grandson so long ago.

Support worker here ... hope it all that made some kind of sense.

I hear ya Sal ... I really do. I'm just in need of distance but yea connections are still important and that's what we are doing in here. For me that is enough. Keep gazing my friend and leave those bottles as they will.

Yes ... I am feeling better. Thank You.

Ponder

06-18-2021, 07:18 AM

I've talked more than a few times now about the bureaucracy behind the scenes and how that language and deception drives me to insanity. Because I have inadvertently shared this website with someone helping me who actually asked if these so called telling's of mine were public, I think I will put another spin on how it is that I am so close to giving that all up and perhaps share why it is that I feel so trapped:

Whilst my idealizations are not as intense or intended as they once were with the petrol can episode where I confronted the manager of an employment agency which resulted in police intervention and my subsequent Rubber Stamped Response AKA Disability Pension. Fact was when I did attempt to go back looking for work I was told I was no longer a priority. Yet another conflict as I was led to beleive that I would find more schemes that could assist more with finding employment if I as on DSP. In the end I accepted the clinical technician/therapist's (that was used with said stamp) take in allowing the pension to be used as a form alleviating pressures that was sending my over the edge. Given the extreme amount of reoccurring conflicts on ongoing inconsistency with what I eventually termed as 'Living the Lie' I decided to no longer participate as doing so was clearly killing me. My brother would be dead 2 years on from this point having been misunderstood and enduring said system not unlike me.

I was actually a disability support worker a few years before the petrol can episode and it was then with my first ever brand new fancy car that I made the trip to visit him. The housing commission estate he lived in looked more like a prison yard lined with small units and when viewed from the open grass area, looked more like cell blocks with broken shattered bottles and broken windows. At night the noise was quite disturbing with all manner of disputes constantly being amplified. It was clear to see why people were using drugs to dull the suffering. My brother literally had one of those coats that when opened up had a pharmacy of pills to choose from not to mention the home grown and synthesized stuff. Long story short, as the story goes - my brother gravely says "I will be dead long before you." It broke me when he said it because the way he said it and what I had seen all the years later after decades of hard knocks I sensed it in my bones to be true. I was not in tune with what I was seeing in my line of work and as much as disheartened as he. Although we had different fathers and looked completely differently we were known to have an identical pitch and pace in the earnest way we both spoke and expressed.

I lost my job not long after returning and the same conflicts I was dealing with in the employment agency was as rife in the disability sector I was working in. When I expressed as much on paper I was quickly sacked without the support of my coordinator. He was held at bay. My wife and I had that company overhauled via a heavy campaign of complaints (re DSQ) where my coordinator left that company and went on to pioneer and direct his own disability establishment where he now has me formally under his wing. I'll get to that in a minute as just went off track.

Something broke in me after that. I was a good disability support worker and whilst I found the community access very challenging I did enjoy the personal care with the help of said coordinator. One family would often ask after me as they found my connection with their son genuine. Another client who meant just as much to me would also ask after me. I think this is what my coordinator saw in me too and why we are still good friends to this day. At any rate - they way I was myself dismissed in the end led my to my sudden lack of desire to ever participate in society ever again. It was a slow decline until all the noises got louder, the lights got brighter and the pain of it all in my head was just to much. Employment officers or whatever you want to call them just palmed me off with all manner of threats. All my efforts to bounce back like I had re self help and exercise mattered little as I struggled more and more to follow directions and adjust to the changing dynamics of employment courses and new market for certifications. My learning difficulties became more apparent and I my trust constantly broken every time I made the effort to open up. Job interviews developed into full blown panic attacks that lasted days before the event and then the constant humiliation I suffered with XY&Z employers just sent me around the bend. Not only friends and family would tell me to lie on my fortnightly forms required in order to pay rent of food, but also the employment case workers would also tell me to lie on those forms. Just write down something from the yellow pages. Like just list several places of employment that you never actually went too. For me this was not only a big deal because I found it hard to lie from a morale perspective but I did not have the capacity to remember how to lie and all the associated information. In fact many people did not like this about me and in fact never trusted me because of it. At any rate - the conflict in seeing my usual jobs become less and less available as I was really only any good for farm labor which had changed so much over the years and me then living in the suburbs with kids ... Well ... Living the Lie made me go suicidal and hence the petrol can episode. I never hurt anyone ... not intentionally. I know I was not much good to my family though with the ways things were going for me. Living the Lie on all fronts. It happened in the disability sector and continue when unemployed.

I don't think I adequately touched on the deception and abuse many long term unemployed and disadvantaged people go through in that sector of the community as treated by others who seem themselves above simply from having something over another within the human resource pool as dictated to by whatever political party. No matter what party gets in they just rename the schemes yet the same rigid uncaring ruthless dealings take place. The same reoccurring conflicts on ongoing inconsistencies. As I started loosing it more and more I would be put on this or that stream that would have me seen as more hopeless and treated as such accordingly. One variable in the changing of governments, you would see those case workers you once connected well with no longer available. Apparently told to me that they had moved onto greener pastures. This I have heard many times over the years and it emulates well the pent up negative mindsets of those public servants who've become deeply entrenched from one year to the next. Until one day someone like me turns up with a petrol can and lighter. That is one way to shine some light on their pessimistic demeanor. Of course I can't say for sure that the young girl who was unfortunate to of crossed my path on that day was like that at all. I myself had not bitter intentions. I was in a puddle of tears as I pulled the petrol can from my bag as I began to plead my case that I was no longer able to play their game. I assured her I was not going to set light to the can. I pulled out the rope just to explain what I envisaged myself doing in dreams building up to said event. I brought everything with me except the ladder. I was fumbling, trembling, crying whilst trying to assert my story without being aggressive. For her age she impressed me with her de-escalation skills more so from her seemingly genuine tone of sympathy. End of story I was not arrested but instead rubber stamped and like I said, my brothers revelation came true 2 years later when he was found dead on his living room floor falling victim to his well endowed coat which was his assist in dealing with same BS I was enduring.

He too was pensioned off just months before his end and moved into a cleaner disability block with what looked to offer scope in the easing of pressure. His diagnoses to warrant a pension was drug induced schizophrenia with a I am sure some spiel about PTSD and prejudicial childhood. Text book stuff really. Anyways - So it is that I really pay no attention when I hear people reasoning the system this and the system that. I know people mean well when they tell me that. It's just that such reasoning falls short once you've been rubber stamped as permanently affected yet weigh up the needles cost that only adds to the byproduct and from there is just goes around in circles. Moreover, just like the BS schemes previously put in place re employment, the new would be disability services sector now slowly assimilating the disability pension is just putting people like me back into the warranting and proving with all that reoccurring conflicts on ongoing inconsistency.

As much as I want nothing to do with society and humanity due to said system as often explained and experienced be me and my dearly departed brother, I do appreciate those in the system trying to make a difference. I've been very both fortunate and worked hard to have the people in my life I do now re my supports. However, the indignity I recently endured via the review meeting with said bias as outlined in my complaints and the way in which those who support me have been ignored, the reports, assessments and so on and on ... I now sing the same tune I did when I pulled that petrol can out, although much more the wiser "I just don't have anything left in me to keep playing this game" The process is killing me over and over!

Before The Carrot On a Stick / Basic DSP:

https://i.ibb.co/4YfvrsC/before-NDIS.jpg

NDIS - Insurance Scheme
https://i.ibb.co/whdSLdt/entraped.gif

****, you know the journey I've had to take and I got to tell ya, the only petrol I have left is that which I remember that led to the rubber stamp.

Ponder

06-18-2021, 07:38 AM

More Context to Last Post - Shared Email

Dear **********,

I have decided to link you up despite blurring the lines. I have no petrol left so to speak. If you get time, have a read. You did ask about me today if I had a public link to said thoughts and given I have lost the will and hope I see no problem with you now having a link. I made a special post with this in mind. I think it depicts well my take on how things have unfolded for me re our Journey. It goes deeper than that but the truth is I used to relax more before NDIS and only migrated out of concern because of how this new system is assimilating existing mental health services.

I think I just nailed it with where it's all going and how and why I even bothered to sign up in the first place. I'll hold the course for now but please be aware I have no more stomach for the amount of reoccurring conflicts on ongoing inconsistencies. I hope this better explains why I struggle as I now do after 'that' review. I am fully transparent in a system that has only ever proved itself to be not. My wife is not happy about my wish to disengage and currently I am 'Not' formally doing so - but you seemed to want to know where I stood from a public perspective. Now you know ... just follow this link (http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?38202-Yea-Yea-I-know-Back-Again&p=250806#post250806):

You're one of the workers I said I have full respect for. I wish you the best of luck in seeking answers. To keep things transparent I'm also going to log this publicly as well without the names of course.. I've never done well at playing games.

Regretfully
Ponder/**** *********

Ponder

06-18-2021, 08:15 PM

Apologies of this is all feeling a bit too much 'heart on sleeve syndrome.' In terms of being RAW I would say I have come a long way. That said, I won't put that positive development down to the current Disability Support Reforms. This space in here has contributed way more than that. Just popped in to say I'm going to take a couple of days off and see what I can do in terms of a more objective review. I intend to make a decision regarding my future after hearing back on some of the conflicts I'll better convey in my next post.

https://i.ibb.co/9v4FPfw/sunset.gif

Ponder

06-20-2021, 01:15 PM

Bare with me as I am not 100%. Like my best posts are generally in the morning and whilst that is not too far away, I have been up since 1:30am creating a new online space with it now being 3:41 as I glance the lower right hand corner of my PC's display. Here is what I have come up with so far. Creating a New Forum designed for Online Journaling. It's just off the top of my head and only an hour and half's work. I am really need this and I will now explain why:

https://onlinejournals.proboards.com/

https://i.ibb.co/jJ91ZMY/New-forum.jpg (https://onlinejournals.proboards.com/)

About the Adds:
Before I do my usual longwinded explanation - for those interested although this post in not about marketing - I do apologize for the banner adds or any adds that may or may not pop up. This forum was created using open source software/freeware service and thus for banner adds will be present. I'm just not sure about in thread adds. I very much dislike those. Hopefully only banner adds. If I find this new space gells well, I do intent to sell some unused devices to fund getting rid of those adds. More on that latter.

Why I Keep yearning to find my own Space:
Defining this is no easy task. It's no secret there are those of us that find this forum somewhat unique, yet there is an empty hole in it for me. I recently expressed on this matter using the term 'echo' and how it was that feeling was making me feel isolated. Well I think I can better explain in saying that it's not so much a case that I require a forum that is populated, but more so a forum with like minded people. I avoided using the word 'active' as that implies I require everyone post. I do not. Many people just come to read and that's OK. In fact that alone does give a sense of connection on both sides. If people are consistently reading then one would think they are connecting just as I connect with the feeling of being read as much as I do with myself as I write to myself. There is more depth to that but for now the connection I am tending for in a space of what I incorrectly term as 'My Own Space' is not so much about the numbers at all but everything to do with finding connection.

Finding one's own space in a public place goes against the grain as the sense of connection that comes from being read by others whilst writing to one's self, over time, reveals to one that there is not such thing as one space. The validation of connection is a healthy thing. Especially when we feel so isolating in a shrinking world. This contrast is a perfect example of how the number game no longer works. So many of us are being led astray in this world of self. Here ... let me try this. How can one reflect from an objective position on one's self when the nature of the forum is based on the number of counts, likes, upvotes, status, moderations and so on. In some places it's all about the thumbs down or down votes. The programing in general I find really toxic and I want nothing to do with it. Most forums I see are devoid of a journaling section. It's discouraged because it does not promote people to get out and banter where it's all about the numbers. Quick one liners with images with words that take up more space than the image. For me it's all back to front. Perhaps one of my labels being autistic is to blame, but whilst those traits I can accept are likely there, that is not really the reason I am no longer able to function with said dysfunction. The world I see it pretty much full of deception and kidding itself as well as others.

In this I expect to only find on online space with scarcely anyone in it if it where to be in line with what I feel that works. This is how entrenched I see the world with dysfunction. I have allowed myself to fall victim to it for far too long. This is also why I am very much misunderstood and seen as someone who does not fit - AKA - misfit. Instead of letting the labels dictate I am now going to change it like I once did. To be sure life is episodic - the thing is ... that is perfectly normal! Don't let anyone tell you it isn't.
________________________

OK - That's the best reason I can give re looking for a new space. The echoes that make me feel cold are more about taking up space in a form that's best suited for the industrialized vulnerable. I've said I am going to leave many times and even the name of the Journal shows just how hard that can be. Such is a testament to the core and strength of a global problem and given the decision I am about to make re giving up my disability supports, so to I am just as committed to moving on. This new space I am limited in re post counts and the usual conditioned programming/algorithm, however I do still have options to keep it a place of free speech compared to 99% of mental health forums. In fact being in one that does not focus on the industrialized nature of labels is a very beneficial thing.

I have decided to give up my disability supports and pull out of the automated industrialized reforms.
This is a huge decision, but one I know is right for me. This in now way undermines my past, current capacity and or those so called certifications. The game will continue as long as I am in this industrialized prison. Boy oh boy, have a got a story about how that game is played. The things that have been said to me to keep me in it. "You'll never get back on the scheme!" (Oppressive - although well meant I am sure) "How will you cope?" (Devalues) "Then you never needed it!" (Demeans the potential and benefits gained minus the triggers and incompetent administering. An isolating comment that passed the buck) it goes on from there and I will cover them as I Journal. So far I have only been met with 100% fear based comments that only do more to disempower. The reforms are very disabling for those with mental illness and they will never admit it. They will not listen as they are constrained by those the forces that govern. Something that is bigger than all of them and not set to change anytime soon. If anything the reforms have butchered what humanitarian values where left in the community thus mechanizing what ounce of spirit was left. The last call to centralization but again for another post. Truly, those invested with a means of living can never have this perspective of see. Those that do, and are trying their best to stay the course either burn out or end up denying in ways not so obvious. Me ... I really need to regain my health as that system was and is literally draining the life out of me.

I have never been in such a low for so long. My episodes have seen me recover. I accept my cycles ... that reform scheme they have now in place does what anti-depressants and anti psychotics do to me. I stress 'for me' as I know those alternatives can work for others, but my make up is ultrasensitive to those things. What do they do to me? The stretch out those highs and lows into one long thin line where I feel nothing! They also make me completely dependent and flat at the same time. This is what the NDIS and it's handling of mental illness has done for me. It was the last facet of disability to come on board and those assessing have no idea about how to treat such individuals. In the new way ... the brave new world and I won't be party to it. I would much rather the soup kitchens which I guess is the next form of centralization. I'm done with it. I am going back to what I feel works ... to feel again as I once did.

For now I need to settle a little. Holly shit! It's heading toward 5am. Chuckles out loud as I have a support person coming over in less time than I have been up since 1:30am. There is so much I want to say but my brain is somewhat fading with having put together what I have.

cont ...

Ponder

06-20-2021, 01:16 PM

cont ...

My Exit Strategy:
Working on it ... but I admit I am feeling good about it. It's been implied my pension may be at risk. Again more fear! My reason for leavening will be spelled out and I will explain much better than the above how it is how I was handled. The conflict is to show them the certifications they spent thousands on and then how they then ignore the results. I have way too many certificates for them to threaten my pension. I am only giving up the carrot on the stick not the bread and butter which I know they have to keep handing out ... less they want full blown chaos which I know they don't! All I am doing is learning to live in less! and that my friends is where true freedom is. I say NO to their carrots and the strings with the demeaning way in which they treat people as they see as less ... last! The last to be adopted and how neglected they treat those they see less. Yep that was better said.

Being homeless was not so much the fear I had recently re all the stress. I would endure that all over again if it meant I have my wife and grandson with me. That kind of unity is something the the system does not want. Instead it is all about devaluing people and treating them as separate individuals with labels that imply the fault lays with them. NO MORE! I'll find a way to keep us together as long as it is meant and do it without being assimilated and dehumanized as is happening to so many of us. I am changing my tune about people. I am starting to see how the incited fear drives us to hating eachtoher and that too is not longer sitting well with me. I will not hate the system, I will unlearn that too as I get ready to truly disconnect. Like I say - unplugging is really where it is at. To disconnect yet still have a connection ... to be in prison but not a prisoner and so on and on.

5:09am I only awake so early because my wife texted me. I really need to turn off that damn phone when I go to sleep. My wife is having a hard time because she has to front up to that same toxic system I just spoke about in a few days to fight to keep our grandson out of harms way.

For those few reading, I wish you well. We all have the capacity for peace. That we can only find for ourselves. Don't let the system devalue you into thinking you need them. Connection is important but sometimes you got to disconnect when you know that that system is killing you. That is my plan at least.

Adios ... until next post. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/alien-peace-sign-smiley-emoticon.gif

salvator here

06-21-2021, 11:11 AM

Hello Ponder..

I'll try to think about forums another time and thank you for your input over at NMP. as well, so we'll see, I guess.

Just aside from forums,

I'm worried about you. Are you sure this is the right decision? Are you seeking all advice? I know seeking advice from the very institution you are caught up in this vicious cycle will get you jaded advice. I don't want you to become homeless. I'm glad you have strong support of wife and grandson, but being homeless could be dangerous. I don't want you to lose your pension.
Working on it ... but I admit I am feeling good about it. It's been implied my pension may be at risk. Again more fear! My reason for leavening will be spelled out and I will explain much better than the above how it is how I was handled. The conflict is to show them the certifications they spent thousands on and then how they then ignore the results. I have way too many certificates for them to threaten my pension. I am only giving up the carrot on the stick not the bread and butter which I know they have to keep handing out ... less they want full blown chaos which I know they don't! All I am doing is learning to live in less! and that my friends is where true freedom is. I say NO to their carrots and the strings with the demeaning way in which they treat people as they see as less ... last! But can you say no to the carrots and still receive the bread and butter?

You wrote:
"I have way too many certificates for them to threaten my pension'

See.. I can relate to this because I do NOT have proper certifications in place and have to stay ' in the system' because I would not survive homeless on the streets. I don't think I'd last a day. I at least need a roof over my head and a bed to sleep without infested beg bugs and diseases from shelters.

Again, I'm sorry for all the 20 questions and I do trust you and know instinct and intuition won't lead you astray, but I just want to know you it isn't just frustration getting the best of you.

I'm ok and managing day-by-day but I'm refraining from making any decisions seeing I'm not in a proper state of mind. Hard to explain.

Sorry again, just care about you is all. I'm here for you regardless and want only for safety. The unity will always be there with wife and grandson - nobody can take that away.

Your friend..

Salvatore

Ponder

06-21-2021, 01:09 PM

Hi Sal. :( ... I am sad for both of us. No. I do not know what I am doing really. I just got up and the ringing in my ears has never been as loud as it's been. It's quite a high pitch and feels like it's penetrating deep into my brain. The 5mg of this medication does nothing for me so I took 15mg and it started to work and I went to sleep OK. I have woken up without a foggy head, but the ringing in me ears is like I say. Having said that I am used to it. I do have tinnitus and in fact It was brought on when I first started taking antidepressants. Now I am sure I was gong to get it at any rate so not meaning to bash meds. I am at a point in my life where I am needing them despite my tendency to have all the side effects.

I'm loosing track. I really don't know what I am doing and the only yes I can say for certain is that your are right for me to be concerned. I have a very reactionary brain that suits my ASD quite well and my PTSD classified as life long aka permanent or whatever is also adding to the ringing in my ears. My anxiety is off the charts with everything going on.

Huge breath! and Sigh ... I want to skirt a little on that sensitive topic that you mentioned the other day without focusing too much on it but only to acknowledge the deep despair and pain by saying I have never before had to constantly quell the Ideations of it all wanting to end at the rate I have over these last few months and in that I can also be sure this ringing in my ears is as much from the residual of having to deal with a fracturing soul. I say 'ing' as the process just not seem to end and that process is the one being in question when talking about said system that is better defined as the machine. Our humanity is at risk whilst people simply do not see.

GGGGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ... Perhaps I should allow myself to be angered. Hmmmmmmm I think more about that ... for now I need to make a cup of black tea with 2 sugras and milk to bring me back down to earth then I am going to come back in write another post in here ... as I feel I really need to be more open about what I have come to this point on giving it all up - YET - I don't know how, but like another dear soul (whom I also miss - we had falling out my fault) who I used to talk to in here ... you know me VERY WELL. Yes I am climbing the walls over this huge decision. Yet in that, it kind of speaks volumes to the grasp we are all under when it comes to said system and that process of which I talk about.

When you said you did not have the certifications, I immediately thought of how the system is designed like an insurance lawyer embedded in the human services who's job is to make sure people are not entitled to political promises, policies and acts. Here in Australia and other parts of the world we have been educated somewhat as to the sheer brutality of the American system. To me it is the pinnacle of all that is wrong it the world today. I mean no offence by saying that. As a 'so-called' Australian, we are one of Americans closest Allies. which I do not subscribe to in the least and would be OH SO HAPPY to be murdered as a TRAITOR! To see our country adopting American ideals over the decades has seen us turn into nothing more than a replica of the American system but sewn up in a different way. Most notably welfare reforms, yet in some sense the oppression that comes with these 'benefits' leaves the majority as entrapped and over lorded as those in China. If fact, whilst not happy about any country that seeks to rule over as they do, at least China is transparent which from my position is really saying something. Transparency goes a long way to stemming the insanity. I would much rather be feeling lorded over than insane! In the west we are lorded over and insane! It's just that most people are sleeping by way of ... well I won't go into how people are deluded and or kept asleep. I think most of us know how that goes which only leads to more insane thoughts for those who slowly come into the know.

I go get that cuppa, come back and write up something I need to that reflects the internal review that is supposed to be going ahead with my case.

Ponder

06-21-2021, 02:53 PM

Before we get into 'OK - here's the deal ... Internal Review' and not knowing whether to roll my eyes on that:

Remember the guy I said I used to work under when I myself was a disability support worker. My long-time friend that went out on his own and created his own disability business. He has given some great advice that is also been put forward to my coordinator who is also doing all she can for me by way of internal review. I just wanted to answer another one of your questions to acknowdele all that you wrote; every word. I am all about fostering relations Sal as I know this life is not just about me. I am very grateful for this well timed post of yours. I can see very clearly what you wrote "I know seeking advice from the very institution you are caught up in this vicious cycle will get you jaded advice." I'm not saying my friend who went out on his own to create a very successful disability program, is not prone to being assimilated by corrupt insurance practices. Everybody in the system is prone to that - even us as consumers. However, I do know by way of close continuing relations that I can trust his advice.

How The Disability Pension Woks in Australia (Just my take, but you know my experience)
As for the disability pension. At this stage as far as I know, the disability reforms (NDIS) in question purely relate to supports separate from the basic DSP (Disability Support Pension) The DSP is very hard to get. They now have their own 'doctors' and there are very much insurance orientated. Basically these compartmentalized professionals are constrained within 'current' government bias and agendas as outline by whatever one can imagine as the latest trend. The real reports are basically watered down on a second level via these insurance agents. The first process of legit documents/reports is watered down via 'GPs' / General Practitioners. Most of those unjaded and doing what they can in the system all admit having a (GP) over see reports by way for filling out the DSP claims is problematic at best. First of foremost those doctor's expertise is limited to Band-Aid measures. No offense, as yet they play a vital role in society. Whatever. The fact is that using GPs to oversee DSP claims is seen very much as a weak link in the chain OR as a stop gap measure (aka buffer) ... Take your pick on either of those perceptions. The first point of call for anyone looking to put in a claim for DSP is to understand this fact very well.

This is why it is so important to have a good rapport with your GP. It's exactly why my therapist is coming to an appointment with me in a few weeks. I feel she needs to understand me better as too the legitimate qualifications of the person supporting me. This plays into the above weak link re GPs. I know what I am talking about despite being classified as byproducts. In this light I have had to educate myself just as I did on the streets. That why I am still alive today whilst 'many' of my close friends, brother and close acquaintances of the past are not. The process is a continual grind to say the least regardless of the romantic claims I have continually heard in group therapy from those conditioned ... saying things like "Oh what a lucky country we live in ..." Thus begins the process of comparisons with third world countries and the front line new paper articles and popular science then follows. FFS! Forgive me as I roll around on my floor laughing insanely. Forgive my candidness as I am sure different perspectives will devalue my previous points in the eyes of those so conditioned; still asleep. I mean not to be harsh in judgments of my fellow man but simply connect with others like myself who have been round and round the merry-go-round.

Hell - there are even disability lawyers who specialize in advocating for vulnerable individuals who are caught up in this bureaucratic circus. This facet comes and goes depending who is in government. Sigh. You really nailed it with that comment Sal → "I know seeking advice from the very institution you are caught up in this vicious cycle will get you jaded advice." I just takes me a couple of paragraphs to explain how some of the works. I know so well what you mean and it really just adds to the insanity. But thank you so much for the grounding.

Dysfunction:
There is so much more to 'How it Works ..." That much needed quality rapport is needed for all the people involved and sadly many of us just don't get to see the same individual long enough, but still - these things can be worked on the more we slip through the gaps. Sometimes not ... just trying to make another point. When you find yourself becoming more dysfunctional one would do well to learn what dysfunction is and what that means and how that impacts you and your surrounding. One you learn more about said dysfunction and how that relates to you, then you can better decide what certification you will to adopt ... more over what kind of professional to seek out. In the early stages it is usually a low grade consoler who none the less like GPs play a vital role in society. Depending on the circumstances in your journey such as historical events, environmental conditioning leading to whatever symptoms and the gauging of those as you best understand (seek to understand) these knowing's are what one needs to learn rather than sitting there allowing those employed to simple tell you how it is. Any of the decent ones doing a proper job should be listening after asking whatever questions and not telling. That said, whilst it's a two-way street the problematic issue of insurance agents (different groups of doctors and lawyers) and the red tape is as much another learning curve and one that is not readily taught. That is something that only comes from lived experience and those of us willing to talk. Sorry I lost track again and yet to right more specific re my Internal Review. Everything I said matters though ... it taints the perceptions and the way I should choose to write pending who I wish to talk to so that my words are heard. So it is I will break this train of though ... take another break and think more on said approach when looking to direct my appeal re my current case.
_____________________

hmmmmmmmmmmm

Ponder

06-21-2021, 06:34 PM

NDIS Assessment Failings
1: Disregard for Clients Diagnoses as legitimately Reported by Accredited Possessional.
Coordinator has highlighted via observations that client's upscaled diagnosis was disregarded which has now been brought to your attention. Failing to recognize upscaled diagnosis has meant that all listed recommendations provided by said professional have also been disregarded. This entails the transparency in clients existing supports prior and during the review process as well as outright dismissal in recognition of clients 'increase' in supports that correlate to upscaled diagnosis as outlined in the findings of the NIDI Report to which thousands were spent on said assessments.

Why did this happen? The phycologist creditability was quickly dismissed.
Assessors failed to connect previous reports. The first report for client which was used to warrant a disability pension in 2012 was done by a Clinical Psychologist report. This relationship was fostered over 4 years until a second report was done up by a Registered Psychologist. That report was based on the previous clinical report (with similar findings) with the exception of Autism being investigated yet not formally diagnosed. That report was used in conjunction with previous clinical to first accessing the NDIS. NDIS was reject on the basis that the client did not have a permanent disability. An appeal was set in process based that client was already on a DSP (Disability Pension) which stated on government website that clients must has a permanent disability in order to be warranted DSP. Centerlink insurance agents yielded to a disability advocate (Lawyer) and the permanency of employment incapacity was established. NDIS required a different language be used despite the permanent nature of incapacitation already having been warranted by the same government via DSP. A new document via the clients current 'registered' phycologist was drawn up to change terms 'life long/unremitting' to 'PERMANAT' in the introduction, body and ending of that document. Client then was accepted onto the NDIS program.

During Review process several reports were drawn up all correlating with one another. A psychiatrist report was utilized at some point previously that addressed the Registered Psychologist's queries and referral. Client was diagnosed with Autism Mild, Ongoing Chronic Complex PTSD, Social Phobia/Anxiety Disorder with Adult ADHD to be investigated. I was later referred of a Registered Psychologist where at great cost to the NDIS I spent many hours over 6 months (much more time than with psychiatrist) with an addition of several intense hours dedicated to specialized assessments where Registered Psychologist had followed the previous pattern of recommendations and his legal qualified certification to legally 'upscale' the clients Autism Diagnosis and completed the ADHD having more than adequately outlined the 'overlapping' of all client conditions (very important factor to the extremes of individual clients and relative impact) before coming up with his own NDIS report and thus recommendation which also like his findings were dismissed. Not to be overlooked is the handling of the review that resulted in client relapsing into a mental breakdown. See Below:

Review Process / Client Poorly Treated resulting in Mental Break Down
So it is in the same manner that the client after being reviewed ended up self harming during interview and having extreme PTSD episodes that lasted several days. The client ended up back on medication and has since regressed with current NDIS reduction in funding and supports. Please refer to client online complaint form re this aspect of his review meeting. NDIS ***** ******

Client Inclusion/Proactive Tendencies +
The client is regarded by all supports as extremely proactive and inclusive in his interactions. This has been the case before and during NDIS. With regards to the NDIS Scheme this proactiveness was observed towards the end of his most recent plan. Client was held back in the earlier part of his plan due to Covid19 and life impacting events. EDIT + add on from here → Road Rage Incident resulting in reintegration of Psychologist, (after breakdown of previous one who refused to work with NDIS) - Major Should Reconstruction/Operation - Ombudsman complaint advocated by PWD advocate after being mistreated at local office (highlights client vulnerability in the community and why he need support - was unsupported) come back and list others ... ZZZzzz ← Needs to be added to bellow two titles down re the 'Gap' in Accounting for next 3 years! (re underutilization)

Before NDIS assimilated the mental health landscape re community supports, one achievement of the client that reflects his proactiveness was being selected as an advocate in his region to represent his local peers at the annual Flourish Australia Mental Health Seminar held in the capital city of Sydney. Flourish Australia is a well know and established Mental Health Service that was servicing Australia well before NDSI. The client was also unitizing a number of other services such as 8 years of consistent psychotherapy by way of varioius phycologists, both registered and clinical + a couple of psychiatrists. He spent '4 years' in a stepping stone project that is only meant to last 12 to 18months: 'PHaMs' AKA 'Personal Helpers and Mentors' PHaMs was a project run by a disability employment agency although employment was not a goal of that particular program the client was on. During this time the client came off antidepressants and antipsychotics and lost (edit) not 26kg but 36kg of weight where in the end he Joined Flourish Australia going on to advocate for his peers. Before NDIS. The thing to note in all of this, is that although the client was on a DSP, there was no requirement or obligation for the client to participate at any level in any of these programs. He sort these community programs out on his own effort as he found the will, wishing to better himself. Before NDIS it was through these community programs like PHaMs and many others like them that the client was utilizing before they were absorbed into the NDIS - Including Flourish Australia - The client was known to get good results when supported because of his willingness to be inclusive. In fact it is why he chose to migrate to NDIS as all the supports he we once utilizing had slowly started closing their doors to make way for the New National Disability Reforms: NDIS.

Sudden Change & Impact. Withdrawing Supports:
Lead on from here with how the same symptomatic traits that make client excel BUT also derail in sudden changes, no different than taking way a console control from my 6 year old grandson mid way of killing a boss. More so how counter productive such is with supports and that this somehow reflects that lack of understanding by those assessing ... yadda yadda. If you want to help then learn how to do it right ... sigh. Read the god damn fucking reports and stop snowballing like an insurance agent ... time for a break ... just a couple more notes:
Disregard for GAP in supports 2020/2021 COVID 19 Impact and Major Life Events:
relates to simple accounting of funding over a 3 year period for next plan and how that has left client short when taking seriously the NDIS reports in conjunction with Support Worker Notes that have also been disregarded in terms of client impact and level of needed support whilst out in the community and also gives reason to notes. This also highlights required TIER LVL support again also ignored.

Use reports to highlight the Needs and contrast the difference when unsupported - highlight needs in correlating to the assessments relaying the dysfunction when under stress - outside activities and so on and on. Get more specific with past examples such as stay with parents, public transport (had to be supported as was unable to follow directions plain and bus terminals) again - read the support notes re community access - benefits Vs not - (VS this continual effort to keep proving one's point???? In this regard bumbling along like a confused fool from one town to the next might not be as painful as all this BS) Here have some help ... No - Yes - NO - yes - NO! Which is it? FUCK OFF THEN ... LEAVE ME ALONE. This is keeping it honest because my traits will be with my regardless of what I choose - yet I wonder how much more fucked up I am when being treated like so - Yes? NO! Did you say carrot? Yes ... yes ... NO!

Fractured Notes - Ongoing Concerns - Impact of Reduced Supports/Funding
Disregarded for support worker notes - team building/rapport/working towards/NDIS Outcomes Based dismissing the former that being the ingredients to success - more conflicts ... time for a break: BRB Running out of characters - lead off with last bolded text in relation to client momentum, broken trust - contrast with recent episode of being supported on recent family trip Vs not being supported on recent family trip! Huge contrast that one. Estimate the Gap

Ponder

06-21-2021, 07:15 PM

OK - Can't do any more at this point. Wife and daughter ready for the big trip to the Federal courts and fight for my grandson. I will be appearing by phone. I'll also be very busy looking after my grandson. It's outside dealing with those fucking puppets that does my head in. How the fuck I put that into focus anymore and have it on someone's desk who has the gumption to pick up the case and address it accordingly? Can you see why I am ready to give up? None the less I will try Sal. I'll come back go over most of that and add a few things and see if I can make it more palatable in their BS language.

I'm yet to point out what my supports are, why and so forth ... as whilst I can say it's all in the reports I am sure many reading are wondering that they are. The nature of onscreen articulation then ability to function in the industrialized community is very complex and debilitating. Like going from how I be now to mute. Hard to explain but I will assume you know this point well enough?

Alan Watts has some good points on the playing of games - BUT - I am sick of playing along. Sigh. I'll work it out.

Thanks Sal! It's also a good summery of much of what I have posted of the years.

Ponder

06-21-2021, 08:39 PM

You know, I remember when we made enough money my wife suggest I just get off welfare all together. The rang us when I did and asked why I was no longer on their system. ahahahahaaaa - Fuckwits tried to get me back on it. Can you believe it? I just told them it was not worth the pain and aguish being on it and to FUCK OF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Eventually we would all have to go back to said system with great regret because at the end of the day it is so fucking repressive. What was once left in the community has been centralized completely now. The DSP may eventually be next in some form or other but whatever happens happens. My issue is working up into a routine then having the rugged pulled out from under me as the NDIS looks to keep taking away supports after each review. My make up as defined by the reports show how this inconsistency does not work for me as reflected in the PHaMs project that only meant to be a stepping stone and me being on it for years running with support letters to warrant it ... yet another process of jumping hoops.

Whilst a little different to my point, every time the support is pulled I regress and go backwards purely from a point of conflict in context with the need to stay in the zone. The system as is has fuck all understanding of what they are dealing with when it comes to mental health but sadly the cunts pulled out existing supports that were simply flexible compared to the current fuckwits that have no fucking idea. They well and truly fucked things up!!! I will try this last point of call but no one behind the desk really gives a fuck. They are just puppets caught up in the system and some of them taking it out on clients as what happened to me in my last review. I trust my coordinator but really have fuck all motivation left after this next session of hoop jumping.

The supports work when the consistency is there and the fucking useless assessors take the time to read and educate themselves but the complete opposite has taken place in my case. I know how to make things works once I get going but then - like I say - I am unable to change pace when fucking pushed around like that bitch did to me at the review and all else ... well ... pushing shit up hill from here. I will try one more time - I am in the end like us all - just a commodity. How hard to I want to play?

They are simply too rigid for the likes of me despite my challengers. As long as they don't take away the DSP then I should be OK. I'll just refrain from integrating. Which suits me just fine as all I really want to do is disconnect from society. Then I might actually start to heal. I'll try one last time to get things corrected, but if they ignore their own rules then why even fucking bother? As already pointed out regarding the permanent nature of disability ... What they denied me on when applying for NDIS was in complete conflict with the DSP- FUCKING IDOTS! lol ... seriously. Fuck them ... I will not bow down and be treated poorly and bend over again for the to fuck me like so.

I will spell out the inconsistency and mid it with my emotion like I do in here whiteout giving two fucks what any of them think when reading this shit.

Arrrrrrrr ... Just a little more context is all ... keeping it REAL ;)

Ponder

06-21-2021, 09:12 PM

Sal - I really appreciate you helping me to decide what is really best for me, but if you don't mind. I will use my outline 3 posts back offline and somehow format in a way that is more helpful for my coordinator. I'm currently in a loop and think I would do well to stick with the new space I made at the self made forum:

https://onlinejournals.proboards.com/

It really is a much more healthy directions for me to take. This last ditch I will see through but my deep desire to disconnect from society is very strong and something I think is what I need to do pending the direction NDIS want to take with me. I don't know what direction I will take with them. I just know the inconsistency is doing my head in and now one from NDIS really cares. All I need is that one person who is just fair and genuine behind that desk. The only one I knew has and get this "move onto greener pastures." Go figure. NDIS will just look to keep pulling the supports from under my feat which I just can't handle anymore. I will take time later to polish said effort those few posts back. Thanks for giving me the steam to right it. There is more that needs to be added and of course leave out all the emotion. That's how they work.

In the meantime I need to break away from this forum and set myself an example of what I can do when it comes to disconnecting. I only know two ways. Do or not Do. When I put my mind to it I am usually very successful at what I choose to do, but when being led along as described, that shit I can't do - not when they do it like that. There are things I can't do without support, but nothing that is going to kill me or hold me back from looking after my grandson. Like I say, I just want be integrating into society is all and that is fucking fine my me. I either do it supported or I don't fucking bother at all. There used to be supports that did not have strings you see. You could just pop in whenever, come and go according to the cycles as they 'naturally' come. What the rulers have done now it make you sign agreements with conditions where you either have to access by x number of times otherwise you can not participate. That there plays into the funding side of things ... its all become money orientated which fucks with my head and is not account for me capacity. There are many facets like this that have changed everything. I shudder to think how homeless shelters are now being run. What the fuck ever. The whole lot has been dehumanized and so too the way people are being treated.

I got to make this my last post here Sal. I kind of alluded that is where I was heading. I do thank you once again for reaching out and do hope you will visit me at the above link. I'll probably go on with things about my day to day life ... but I will do it where I take up less space. Is best to let this place naturally go back where it needs to be.

As for NMP - I've not seen if there is a reply and I doubt they will make up a subsection for people to specifically journal in ... I will check back in there to see though.

In the mean time your welcome to join that forum I made up as you can just PM me there as well if not just use it to log in your own posts in some kind of safe space to say whatever and however you want similar to what I am doing here. I doubt I will ever change my intuitive way of expressing. I'm just simply relocating to do it elsewhere. Time for change.

Hope to see you around.

It would be best if you kept your reply if you wish to make one in the new forum I made as for now I just want to delete this web address from my bookmark and history. I have an extremely compulsive nature and need to break this train of thought. It truly takes me days until I make a final decision. I just need to right my boat. so many conflict and inconsistencies.

Hope to get a message sometime over at
https://onlinejournals.proboards.com/

Or if NMP open up a Journal area ... who knows. That said, I'm betting their moderation could not handle me.

Peace Brother - Love ya heaps.

Let me find one parting photo ... ... see what I mean ... still struggling to leave. Let's put that down to attachment issues. BRB - I'M BACK - found one ( I really need to do more of this) - but trust me ... this is a last time deal:

OK - Dear Sal ... Be as well as you can Be. However, whatever and whenever that Be - You will always be welcome to contact me.
You know where to find me. If you forget just come back here and click on the Picture. Just look for 'Newbie' who will be trying to forget everything. : )

Toogoom Australia QLD (Fixter Park) (https://www.google.com/maps/place/Fixter+Park/@-25.2498437,152.6627455,15.5z/data=!4m13!1m7!3m6!1s0x6beb78fc31c431ef:0x400eef17 f20ee00!2sToogoom+QLD+4655!3b1!8m2!3d-25.2561515!4d152.6904396!3m4!1s0x6beb784f564dd547: 0x86a967494ecb0f1f!8m2!3d-25.2466525!4d152.6682622)
https://i.ibb.co/gzS4fnp/Be-Well.jpg (https://onlinejournals.proboards.com/)

Farewell - http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/bye/teary-eyes-waving-bye-smiley-emoticon.gif It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday! Keep in touch.

Please leave do not respond here as I just want this left finished as is. TY Let someone else break the chain - I don't want to come to see it. Again ... you know where I'll be, but understand if you wish to leave be.

Memaw52

11-16-2021, 09:05 AM

I'm glad that you have moral support. You are so lucky. Good photos aswell.

Ponder

11-16-2021, 01:41 PM

Forgive me, but given the context of what you have just brought to light, your reference is not clear here. Which supports are you refering to? Those that know me, know the dynamics at play here. To of highlighted this 'old' post whilst I have recently expressed vunrability and given the nature re the ending of this here thread ... I can only say that I am very confused about your intentions here. I'll leave that for others to decide. Currenty we have trouble makers here.

But ty, is good to be back writting agian, despite the amount of trolling taking place in the forum.

Thankyou for your reply. Hope this finds you well. We each have the supports we seek. No luck involved with mine. Its taken quit a lot of effort on the part of many, incuding mysef. Alls the best in your own quests.

Ponder

11-16-2021, 08:16 PM

Adding to that, given I never get a response other than many posts later that have nothing to do with ever having made a connection makes it quite obvious we are dealing with yet another single individual using multiple accounts. And so the games go on.

Ponder

11-16-2021, 08:19 PM

The intent here is pretty clear. - How's about we make this a new thread and we can let all the cats out of the bag?

Ponder

11-16-2021, 11:47 PM

Scratch that, but we can pick this up and keep it moving if only to bury the intent. My Son has arrived from the big smoke. Just finished weeding and doing a little relaxing yard work together under overcast skies. Just getting ready to go out and pick up Pizza and come back for a little gaming which we have already done. Must remember to pick up some Gaviscon. Rinse and repeat.

More posts to come in an attempt to bury this feeble attempt. Look forward to catching up soon. ;)

Ponder

11-17-2021, 01:51 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y64kCkZ5jVg

Ponder

11-17-2021, 02:12 PM

Getting bored - going to have a play with the forum troll.

salvator here

11-17-2021, 05:05 PM

...No luck involved with mine. Its taken quit a lot of effort on the part of many, inducing myself. Yeah, it takes great strength and courage to keep going, and if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have none. No luck here here either. That being said: I'm on 'Good Run' Of Bad Luck. Life is a gamble I suppose.

You could've given in, but you didn't. Its hard to fight when life takes away every ounce of energy.

Ponder

11-17-2021, 11:03 PM

Yup - you nailed that dead on from my view. It's one shit storm after another and when others start with the balloon blowing covered in rainbows and silver linings, well all that kind of falls short, don't it? lol I really don't know how people in the America survive from what I understand of their so called 'value system.' If things start to get tough here, I need only remined myself of just how much more harder it is in other countries. I almost feel guilty when I hear how tough things are elsewhere. I can't remember if you ever said what part of America you live Sal? It is America right? You said something about how the policies and administration of basic benefits changes massively depending what government gets in? Like next to no consistency? Understand if you don't want to mention it and sorry if I speak out of line.

Today I was messing around with hardware monitoring tools. After installing a display in a temporary location on my PC case - I am still designing different monitoring background for varioius lighting themes. This way instead of overlaying the information on my games and rendering programs - I can just take a glance over at my PC Case to see what is going on. The readouts need resizing, adding and taking away ... still playing with it all really.

https://i.ibb.co/NVkS4hY/Project.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/WVHDr94/Hardware-Monitoring.jpg

Sal - I apologize for my irritation in here of late. Not sure if you know what I mean, but with my wife's court case going on, my tolerance has been low. That said, we are feeling very confident about a win. Just peeved about the unnecessary cost re the baseless claims. Sigh. I hope we both find a burst of energy soon enough. Sending you all the good vibes I have left. hehe ... will save just enough to keep sending more. Your a good friend to keep popping in and I do care about how you and a few of the others in here are doing from day to day.

Ponder

02-03-2022, 05:34 AM

I finally did it guys! This place served me so well over the years that I thought I would at least leave a link now that I have finally done what I always wanted. For those few that would still like to follow along - you can find me over at
www.sqaurepegsrus.com (http://www.sqaurepegsrus.com)

It's not as fancy as this place but it's very peaceful without any spam or trash. Whilst I am taking a risk letting you guys know - I have learned a lot about forum administration and banning ips to keep those pesky little buggers at bay. I can also turn on post approval and do a few other things to control said trouble makers.

SO - having said that ... after having made thousands of long quality posts - well I like to think so anyways, I am finally back in a head space where I'll be doing it all over again.

Anyone having trouble fitting in is welcome to come on over if only just to read. The space is in it's infancy with much construction yet to do, but that's OK - The journal section is up and running. That seems to be enough for now. All else will happen in good time.

As for SSL and anyone worried about that - it will be in place soon enough and in the event of a forum wipe is required - No Problem ... easy to do and start all over again. I will drop a link in once more when done and continue to share in the way I have always done. I'm not selling anything other that one more place where people can find freedom to be as they be. The only difference will be that we can better handle the antics that lead to the last active few of us up ending.

You can find us over at www.sqaurepegsrus.com (http://www.sqaurepegsrus.com/)

Your browser may have an issue with the SSL which again will be upgraded in early March. I'll come back again and leave a link then as well. However in the mean time for those who are able to navigate and find us - your more than welcome to lurk on the side and or join us.

I hope this finds you all well.

~ Ponder