Dust myself off and try again, try again ?

[salvator here]

For now I"ll just quote Aaliyah:

"And if at first you don't succeed
Then dust yourself off and try again
You can dust it off and try again, try again
'Cause if at first you don't succeed
You can dust it off and try again
Dust yourself off and try again, try again
Again, again"

[Ponder]

I'm posting out of my usual times so you have this to read when you wake up. Seems you know the drill well regarding deep posts with little reply. Is enough to know the people read :) I'm sure there are those that get us but just don't have the inclination for other reasons. To repeat myself, often we are our own audience. I think there just comes a time where home is more preferable than the chaos outside. That's a well constructed time line you have presented there Sal. Forgiveness is key but even with acceptance it is far from easy. The repetitive nature of what goes on outside is very taxing. This be was saps my desire and determination. Yet like everyone else I still need supplies. Online purchasing is good but I still have to make the odd trip from time to time. For now I enjoy reading about each of your outings. I am reading Sal ... I think is good idea to keep up with the off topics as well.

Weekend tomorrow for me ... I will aim to find a quiet place on the beach. Timing is everything.

I just finished watching 'Telsa 2020' but think I will prefer another version called 'The Current War'

[salvator here]

Was nice to wake up to, indeed :)

Yes, this weekend should be nice. 15° and sunny this morning, Saturday will be in the 30s and with more snow on Sunday. In fact: Its so cold this morning .. I hear playboy magazine models are wearing flannel bikinis in the latest issues. :D

Again, read every word and thank you for taking time respond, my good friend. See.. (you wrote) "Timing is everything" - now realized my timing was 'off' yesterday - will keep that in mind this weekend. Today when the timing is right, I will 'try again'.

I still have Dunkirk (2017) sitting on my coffee table that I keep avoiding. Should unwrap it and see how far I get. I now stop the movie and re watch it when my attention span gives out even if it takes a week to get through something important. Silly horror movies (women running up the stairs screaming when they should be going out the front door), hehe, I can let those go and just enjoy the experience.

The beach sounds awesome and when it warms up here, I would very much like to go to the beach. Sorry to say this, It been well over a decade (or longer) that I've seen the beach or in water. I do miss it.

I hope it helps you :)

[Ponder]

Haha :) - I just changed my sheets from flannelette to cotton although should of changed months ago. Thankfully although still hot the cooler months are in sight and I can't wait.

Yea I know right - I'm like "... you silly sod (or you *&^%ing idiot) what are you doing just staring? ... Get moving!" with regards to those horror movies but then *&^% it - Relax Dave! - Just go with it! I don't mind the odd horror but have lately become very particular and finding it hard to please myself re a good watch. Although not much for the Hollywood stick there are some quality renditions out there. War films I struggle when it comes to the weaponizing of film however the trailer on Dunkirk 2016 seems to indicate hope for good reason. At least I that is my hope. I was named after my grandfather who was a WWII British rear gunner in a Lancaster bomber. MIA. The trailer has me interested. I'll give it a watch regardless of my Hollywood bias. It does not happen often but sometimes I am pleasantly surprised. I think you have just given me a birthday gift. I'm sensing it might be a good watch.


I have been finding a bit of solace in a few of late. Since you started mentioning a few I have been looking myself. I often find foreign ones to be good but I do tire easily reading the sub - despite often using them with English films due to my hearing and mixed audio levels that make action sequences or busy scenes hard to hear as is. That said I do watch more foreign films with little reading required; not much dialogue. The connections made in like wise films make for an easier/refreshing/interesting watch if I myself am able to connect with characters and over all theme/plot.

Forgive me if you already said. How close to you live to the Ocean Sal?

[salvator here]

Jeepers creepers..

I feel like I was run over by a bus.. backed up over.. and run over again today :(

Wanted to let you know I read it 3 times yesterday, is so funny.

Will try again later to reply after I hopefully descramble (whats left of) my mind ;)

[Kirk]

Here is a poem I have hanging on the wall in my office:

Don't Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't quit.

Life is strange with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won, had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
That you must not quit.

[Ponder]

How's the brain Sal????? What did you run into?

I like a good poem too. Is always good to have more than one option:
__________________________________________________ ____________

Life Happens

Life is what we make it.
It cares not what we do.

No matter how we fake it,
It always sees right through.

If you try and lead it,
It pushes from behind.

If you try and read it,
It soon will make you blind.

Just let it freely take you.
Enjoy life's carefree ride.

And know it won't forsake you
If you walk right by its side.

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/life-happens-3

[Kirk]

Hi Sal, Sorry to hear you are not coming here anymore. I wish you would change your mind. You seem to be a nice guy and you will be OK.

[IAmCamille]

Love this song. It's simply what we can do, to try again and never give up. I think that's what waking up every morning tells us.

[Enthydr]

TLC or Aliyah?

[Ponder]

Hey Sal - don't feel shy about popping back in after making an exit. Take a leaf out of my book. :) Either way you have left a positive mark that will always stay with me.

I totally get where this is coming from.

All the best ...

~ Ponder.

[salvator here]

Hi Sal, Sorry to hear you are not coming here anymore. I wish you would change your mind. You seem to be a nice guy and you will be OK.Thank you; Kirk, I appreciate your word(s) of encouragement :)


Love this song. It's simply what we can do, to try again and never give up. I think that's what waking up every morning tells us.I agree 100% - I've missed you; Camille :)


TLC or Aliyah?Hi Enthydr ... Aliyah :) Hope you are doing well.


Hey Sal - don't feel shy about popping back in after making an exit. Take a leaf out of my book. :) Either way you have left a positive mark that will always stay with me.

I totally get where this is coming from.

All the best ...

~ Ponder.Ponder, my good man, trust me when I say, I didn't (and won't ever) forget you and the support over the years you have given when I was at my worst here. I think about you all the time throughout the day actually and was sort of hoping you'd pop back to MSFN one day to surprise me. If anybody has followed me on my other 2 forums, you'd think I'm one cheery mofo ... honestly I'm just pushing aside my issues. I am struggling and haven't gotten much further than I was when I left here - partly due to the fact that I've sort of given up on myself and lost hope.

I'm sorry but I just can't go into it now and would rather just enjoy the company of anxiety forum again - as you were my extended family for years now - and you can't just walk away from that. Besides, Dave, when I extended and hand in friendship to you, I meant every word - I do care very much for you and I'm so very happy to see you back here as I've read your thread and find it so refreshing and real. I do not stop caring about people.

Your words: "Either way you have left a positive mark that will always stay with me."

Please know that you have also raised me up when things seems to be hopeless and I've NEVER forgotten your advice.

From last October when I was coming out of a nasty psychotic breakdown, you told me to "Weather The Storm". You also said "Laugh At The Insanity". Once you also said "Being Unstable In An Unstable World Is 100% Normal"

Simply put:

I've missed you all.

[salvator here]

Ok, so.. I've changed my mind and cleaned up this thread (accept for the conversations between myself and ponder that cheered me up) as I think I may need this, but I'll go about it differently this time and not set myself up for a failure this time. I'll keep it light in here rather than constantly use the 'off topic' section all the time.

Anyways..

Where to go from here? I haven't a clue, so I'll just take it day-by-day and when life smacks me down - And if at first I don't succeed ... Then (I'll) dust myself off and try again; try again. For now I'm in recovery mode and going to try go get back to the basics of living - I have to or I'll succumb to the pressure(s). Even my therapist was pretty scared a few months ago, but luckily I avoided becoming hospitalized. Right now she want's me to focus on what is immediate to me well-being.

Again, no need for any replies unless anybody want's to, of course.

For today:

I just need to get outside as I couldn't yesterday and hopefully I can make it to Starbucks later this evening. The weather is so nice and people are taking care of the lawn outside and I feel trapped like this.

Have a great day/evening AF :)

[salvator here]

So I just got off a Legacy Furniture forum, and they sad to be careful restoring classic furniture as restoring it could devalue it; so the lady downstairs game me a bottle of ... so I'll start with that; I guess.
https://i5.walmartimages.com/asr/a7be9533-3f8f-4ec6-b64e-ae146bb814f1_1.3e3235fbb0d1f89c0768e43a66a38334.jp eg

[salvator here]

I'm dressed and ready for a walk today - they've been cutting grass and I so enjoy fresh cut grass - 66 and sunny out and I've got my mp3 player all charged up. Heading out now ... will write later hopefully.

[Ponder]

Depends on your definition of value. I am very interested in your project and hope you are happy with whatever results. I've kind of been inspired each time I am reading you of late. Thanks for the boost. Hope you had a nice day :)

[Ponder]

Just letting you know I am feeling better Sal. I hope your still in good spirits? Did you get a chance to work on your restoration project?

[salvator here]

I'm glad you're feeling batter, man :)

I missed out on a lot last year and the weather is getting nice and I"m going to enjoy it (somehow) if it kills me; despite everything on my plate.

The Value is more if were to sell it (which I'm not) so, I'll start with a good scrub down, but I have to make sure I have enough strength in my arms as I've gotten a bit weak. Truthfully, I've not done much in 2021 and haven't strayed far away from home (or my sofa) much. I've tired but haven't been able to get very far without extreme panic attacks even though I'm on medication. But, Its my grandmothers coffee table that was purchased around the late 80's (I think). I can't find a date or number just yet to determine its (exact) age, but I'm asking advice to gather this information.

Last night, the lady was soo late to pick me up and I finally called her and she said she wasn't feeling well and it was too late to go anywhere by then, she felt bad and brought me but a milkshake and I was totally fine and enjoyed a movie and turned in early.

Today its around 70 degrees and sunny and I'm going to attempt to put on some shorts (which I've not done in a long while) and get some sun on the chicken legs - I'm so pale people need sunglasses to see me now :eek:

Ok, a little after 10am here and should eat something and figure out what even fits me anymore lol.

Will write a bit before I head out today.

Good day/evening everyone.

[salvator here]

Shockingly, almost everything still fits me (talk about recycling old things ... hahahaha)

For some reason, when people are out cleaning and neatening up the property and the lawn, they make me nervous in here as they look in at me and I'm afraid they will need to come in - this is a whole different story as I feel afraid when my personal space in invaded upon, but they know what happened the last time they came unannounced - it was very bad and nobody want's a repeat of that.

Slight (ever so slight) trigger to when I used to drink myself into oblivion when this happened, but, nope, not in 2021, no way in hell.

Note to self: I Accidentally made the mistake of watching the news this morning and that was a mistake I'll need to be careful of as the world is ape shit nuts now and nothing to do with my little world I exist in. Only the Weather and then back to my science fiction channel. If I'm going to recover I'm gonna need to sort of shield myself is the best way to put it from what is going on and what is upcoming as I have to start the "process" again. While I can't close my eyes once open, I can install a "psyche firewall program" to block/filter unhealthy incoming connections, and I will work on my outgoing connection as well as I make my way through this life.

OK: Firewall ON today and will proceed with safety and some protection today.

[Ponder]

Firewall Popup - C:\program files (X86)\Name\Ponder https://i.ibb.co/FhznYSn/tiny-folder.gif ... Permission to enter please? :)

This time it is I that can say I resonate with what you have said. I'm not sure if you live in a multi story complex Sal, and I don't mean to ask too many questions but just trying to picture your situation. I hope you at least have a balcony if not on bottom floor and if on the bottom hoping you have a patch of grass?

[salvator here]

LMAO ... :D :D :D ... I got the notification popup when I powered up my brain today and access is granted to my psyche :) Of course there are (indeed) many errors in memory already, so I'll also need to psyche repair program; as well, or maybe a jewelers screwdriver as I think there is more than 1 screw loose somewhere.

That was so very funny and I'll write later. Overall yesterday could've been worse but not great. I'll gladly give more details later.

I really needed a bit of that humor today.....

[salvator here]

I used to live on the 1st floor, but I ran into too much trouble (very bad and embarrassing) about 5 years ago and I'm now on the 2nd floor and that is better, but still. I do have a balcony, but would you believe - I've NEVER been on it. Its very awkward because I scare them as much as they scare me. Hard to explain. Very strange situation, but at least they are aware of my issues and its documented, so now, even when the fire department needs to inspect, somebody has to be there if I can't handle it as that was a horror a few times and scary. Things went bad but I didn't get in trouble because they "knew". Hard to explain.

[salvator here]

My word, why so many redirects to get to my own thread (I limit it to 3 normally ... perhaps cloudflare is wonky today??) Took me 4 times to log in and finally get here. Oh well, who cares really, like I got plans, Just glad the forum is still here.

Again, not great today, but could've been worse.

Actually no plans for the weekend at all, so I'll just see what happens, I guess. Haven't had the energy to start my project yet.

Going to watch something on Shudder and relax.

[Ponder]

Found my new avatar. Getting an upgrade from Geordi

https://i.ibb.co/2WnSwhJ/tumblr-mt30d4-Ozpq1s67vyfo4-250.gif

Thanks for sharing Sal. No plans sound good to me. Went to check out shudder but was too scared to sign in. :)

[salvator here]

That.. is.. awesome :cool:

[salvator here]

I don't know. Can't seem to shake the derealization. Things still feel very strange/surreal and I don't always feel safe when I go out and today was no exception. I don't trust people although nobody was rude, I felt vulnerable. Basically I just got out and didn't eat or get coffee and hardly even remember it tbh. I'm home now and its very quiet - just the way I want/need it now. I don't know. Going to look for something familiar to watch later.

[Ponder]

Reading - and wishing you well. Good idea. I will try that too. Still enduring this virus. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sick/fever-and-sick.gif

[salvator here]

Thanks, Ponder, hope you feel better and can get outside this weekend. No special plans other than I speak to my therapist today and I didn't really accomplish much this week again, but I"m also not putting so much pressure on myself either, but should get out as its going to be 80° F and I wan to feel (somewhat) alive. Funny how I can taste what I imagine what it could be like if it weren't for all the BS out there these days, them I'm saddened when reality sets in.

I've been enjoying a: Cherry Limeade (naturally flavored) sparkling water. https://www.sparklingice.com/flavor/cherry-limeade/

Ingredients:

Carbonated Water, Natural Flavors, Citric Acid, Potassium Benzoate (To Ensure Freshness), Vegetable Juice (For Color), Apple Juice Concentrate, Lime Juice Concentrate, Sucralose, Cherry Juice Concentrate, Green Tea Extract, Beta Carotene (For Color), Gum Arabic, Calcium Disodium EDTA (To Protect Flavor), Ester Gum, Niacinamide (Vitamin B3), Retinol (Vitamin A), Calcium Pantothenate (Vitamin B5), Cholecalciferol (Vitamin D3), Biotin, Cyanocobalamin (Vitamin B12), Pyridoxine Hydrochloride (Vitamin B6).

Going to avoid coffee this weekend as my stomach is revolting as its sort of a routine sometimes OCD.

[salvator here]

Could do without the Sucralose, though, but everything seems to have something bad in it - even (so called) healthy beverages now.

[Ponder]

your recent notes on healthy choices have been inspiring me to be more mindful myself. Digestion issues and anxiety are so often not considered.

Not doing well today. Sore throat gave way to dry chesty cough with today feeling extremely stiff, nauseous and weak.

Hopefully tomorrow I will improve.

[Ponder]

Hey Sal - How's it going? I might be on the mend today. :) How was your weekend? Or is - Monday morning 7:37am right now for me. Hope your as well as can be.

[salvator here]

Hey, Ponder..

Gotta pull myself out of this and try again, struggling to get outside and the fear(s) are kicking in bad. Its about 80 degrees and sweaty out there and that is part of the problem - I don't sweat enough to rid myself of all the crap I'm taking. I stopped all aluminum deodorant now to see.

https://blog.paleohacks.com/aluminum-deodorant

Heading out but don't know how far. I don't know. Also supposed to actually go for a trip to leave the state the weekend but I don't know if I can do that and I'm already panicked ... should just day-by-day it again, I guess. I'm hanging in there, I guess.

[Ponder]

Good to know about the deodorant.

Is this trip more a means to an end?

Hope you got some distance but only what you are comfortable with.

day-by-day it is how I am running at the moment other than one upcoming event.

Be well Sal.

[salvator here]

We'll see today, still not sure if I can go but a few of us are supposed to go to a big mall to eat because its a Holiday here and nobody is coming around and I"ll be alone. That part doesn't bother me at all, but if I slip in the shower nobody would even know, so its strange. At the moment, I'm very depressed and low but not overly anxious and maybe it will change as the day progresses. Just feel all sorts of stuff. So hard to explain. Very confused and lost. Not stable at all but I try to remember what you said last year - being unstable in an unstable world is normal, and sure as hell nothing is stable out there; especially this weekend and Monday. Actually a lot of anger and the TV is hell. Starting last night they switched over to crap propaganda and for a little while I was quite disoriented and felt feelings of guild and worry. I (certainly) appreciate those that fought for our country (without question), but something is wrong this year and its turning into something VERY political and not in a good way. I'll just keep to myself anyway so I should be ok. I'm a quite unassuming person these days and this concerns my therapist - she is concerned I'm losing "Myself" in this world and I guess I sort of have in retrospect. But I have to just keep going and do what I can to improve myself in small ways or I'll 'fall under' and I don't think I could 'conform' even if I tried. I'm a rebel at heart :)

Shaking my head here and oh well, I have to get through the day and this weekend feels ugly for some reason. Weird!

Anyways..

I did it! I was feeling lonely this morning and wanted to accomplish something and decided to give the coffee table a good scrub down with the orange clean and I'm quite happy with the results. It only took about 1 hour. I also used it on the 2 end tables even though they are fine and just needed cleaning. I had to really scrub with all my strength and got it looking pretty darn good. I suspect its about 35 or 40 years old and recall when my grandmother purchased it and it was important to her. Honestly, its not really my style but I can work with the country look. Kind of funny to see queen Anne furniture in this dump LOL :D

https://i.postimg.cc/XvPLWt1g/sal-mitchell.jpg
Sorry this is just an old Kodak camera but I cant afford a new one and it was cheaper to just but a new battery and it works with my OS.

I'll try to report back if I'm in any condition if I do go, but I feel also like I should, this was never a problem when I was younger I loved going anywhere without planning, but life changed (drastically) and I (in some ways) consider it to be serendipitous. I'm not that same person by any stretch.

Have a good weekend everyone and for those celebrating the holiday, I (truly) hope you will find peace and joy in whatever you are doing.

~Sal

[Ponder]

You know how I feel about such things. ‘Social Engineering’ … sorry I can’t be as diplomatic with the well-wishing. I keep my friends/acquaintances at bay whom choose to live that way and foster the relations of those whom appear to see more like I do. I am glad you chose the words you did when highlighting the time, you’re now enduring. Nothing wrong with calling it how you see it. I wish more people did. I also wish people well too … but I don’t have to agree with how they live.


Sounds like a good time for a self-made distraction.


No problem with that image. I can see it fine! WELL DONE! Feels good when I complete a task. I don’t mind that table for what it is. I have a lot of mismatch in my place so can’t claim any fame to knowing what is what when it comes to such things. I’ll take wood over plastic for such a piece of furniture any day. Looks great!


My panoramic photo project has taken a backseat while I play computer games this weekend. Might do some work on it later.


Thanks heaps for sharing this project of yours Sal. I hope you can find something else to work on whether it be something completely different or not. Got any hobbies or interests that help to pass the time and or spark the desire to do rather than not?

[Kirk]

The table looks almost brand new after you cleaned it.

[salvator here]

Thanks, guys!

Well, it does have the "weathered look' but you can't really see it in that shot, but they say leave it that way to maintain its vintage age; so I'll keep it clean and furniture polish is terrible for oak but people don't know that. That orange stuff is good for the wood and I do have AC now and things are better. My computer used to overhead badly until I got AC. Also, I cleaned it (actually 2 Dell PC towers) pretty well and they never overhead anymore. My ASUS I bought last year for 30 bucks with win 10 crapped out totally. I don't know if it was the OS updates, but it was a cheap thing I just picked up from someone and it was never taken care of.

I don't have hobbies as I should. Even my therapist says I need to find other interests that I can do by myself besides computer games and the forum - she knows I post on AF and she is ok with it as my other therapist was not.

I'm home and feel just terrible to be honest - was a bad weekend and today was somewhat painful for some reason. At times I felt like I was going to 'snap' and lose grip (what little I had anyway which isn't much) on reality.

Hopefully I'll pull myself out of this - dust myself off and try again, because I honestly feel hopeless and 'too far gone'.

I don't know, maybe sleep will somehow give me a reset.

[Ponder]

Understand how hard it can be. My therapist is supportive of me having space in this here forum. I am glad you also have someone that is also supportive.

I try to write when feeling more switched on myself.

May you wake up feeling better having rested.

[salvator here]

Thank you, Ponder.

Got out and today was much better. I feel I can start to improve this week ahead. Weather is going to be very hot and I need sun.

[salvator here]

Just ate almost a whole bag of pepperoni and 5 cookies for dinner. The salt and nitrates and sugar - I wanted it so fuck it. No sense worrying now about my blood pressure.

[Ponder]

Your last post in here resonates very well with me. Whilst I have been making healthier choices - I have only been doing so within the same bounds as you just mentioned. I had cold press spinach juice mixed into a blender with frozen blueberries, organic activated almond milk + honey and bananas. One hour later I cooked up Bacon and Eggs saying exactly the same thing. "FUCK IT - I need this!" :)

I hope you enjoyed because I hear you loud and clear. :)

[Ponder]

Hey Sal - what did you get up to today?

[salvator here]

Not too much. Go tout yesterday and wen to the village and starbucks - was very hot - today is hotter (93° F). Plan to just head out for my walk today and enjoy my music.

This summer I won't 'sweat the petty things'.

And alternatively: I also won't 'pet the sweaty things'
https://www.azquotes.com/picture-quotes/quote-don-t-sweat-the-petty-things-and-don-t-pet-the-sweaty-things-george-carlin-4-80-46.jpg


Hope you are well :)

[Ponder]

So True ... although knowing me I am reading it wrong. Glad you got out! I must make sure I do the same tomorrow. I'll do so by having a chat on the phone when going for a walk. I find that helps with being self conscience as I often get when feeling like I do of late.

[OverThinker]

Someone anonymously gifted me this poem years ago when I had a rough time. Well, I've had several, actually. I just signed up on this forum again and randomly found this thread while I'm navigating my way around, quite clumsily.

[OverThinker]

(Referring to the poem, Don't Quit. Though I think my reply has shown up in the wrong place. Oh well, I tried). :)

[salvator here]

Someone anonymously gifted me this poem years ago when I had a rough time. Well, I've had several, actually. I just signed up on this forum again and randomly found this thread while I'm navigating my way around, quite clumsily.Welcome to our little quiet corner of the word - We're a slow-paced forum here so patience is a virtue if expecting replies. :)

Glad you joined us and thank you for the reply. There's a few of us left keeping this place going and keeping our fingers crossed this place will continue.

We hope to hear more from you in the future.

Take care

~Sal

[OverThinker]

Welcome to our little quiet corner of the word - We're a slow-paced forum here so patience is a virtue if expecting replies. :)

Glad you joined us and thank you for the reply. There's a few of us left keeping this place going and keeping our fingers crossed this place will continue.

We hope to hear more from you in the future.

Take care

~Sal

Thank you, Sal!

[salvator here]

Ok:

Almost 9 and I need a fresh outlook and start this week. Don't expect to accomplish much other than I need to get back to "me" and I'm carrying around too much negative energy. So I decided to go ahead with a Spearmint Black Tea with agave (and 1 packet of Spenda ... bad Sal ... hehe).

Need to just let go and reconnect at the same time with what is right and see what the day brings. Weather is crappy but that don't bother me much, but hope to get as I've not been outside in 4 days.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CYm6Gj_Qmw

Hmmm .. "let go & reconnect" that is just what I desperately need actually as I feel very disconnected but connected to all the wrong stuff. Hard to explain. I want to connect to the atmosphere and less to people this week and just enjoy any small interactions with other people and keep it basic because I don't trust people anymore so I have to keep them at a distance. People hide their "trued intentions" but I catch glimpses in their eyes, but so long as I 'pretend' I don't notice things usually go alright. People have no idea how much the eyes and other body language tells beyond what comes out of their mouths.

[salvator here]

Well... I do feel a bit more (shall I say) optimist today compare to the weekend, whereas I felt 'down in the dumps'. Somebody is coming by to take me out so I'm going to get dressed as I've stayed in sweats for that last few days and dust myself off and just try my best. All I can do or expect, but should get out and just chalk up the past months to just surviving; but not to try to start actually living. How ... don't know?

[salvator here]

Thank you, Sal!You're quite welcome and feel free to post here wherever/whenever you want to as there really isn't much going on here anyway. Questions or just need to vent or get something off your chest ... if you don't fancy the formal introduction, start you own thread by all means if you like, or I"ll read here if you want to also - either way.

Wishing everyone well this week going forward.

[salvator here]

Just going to watch something light tonight, I think. Can't focus at all. Its gonna be harder than I thought to get back up and my fear(s) are even stronger now than before of being outside around others. Anyway, tomorrow's another day.

Need to cheer up with this movie tonight :D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFm-KZgioX8

[Ponder]

Hi Sal, just letting you know I made it home safe and sound.

What's the movie? The link looks broken my end.

[salvator here]

So glad you're home now.

It was a comedy spoof of a horror movie with Leslie Nielsen at his comedic best. Perhaps is blocked in your area. The direct link is:

This youtube query should put it at as the 1st video.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Scary+Movie+4+%288%2F10%29+Mo vie+CLIP+-+Speech+at+the+UN+%282006%29+HD

Or:

https://thewikihow.com/video_iFm-KZgioX8


http://thewikihow.com/embeded-video/TWH-iFm-KZgioX8

It's quite funny - very funny actually. Leslie was at his best so I hope you can see it. If not, I'll find a way to upload the vid somewhere else if blocked in your geo.

I'm just ok this morning and very confused and worried I'm not sure whats going to happen today really but I know staying in the house won't help either, so I don't know.

[Ponder]

That kept a smile on my dial from start to finish. He certainly gave them all an eye full when tinkering with the machine. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/happy/rolling-on-the-floor-laughing-smiley-emoticon.gif

Some links come up not available in your country but the first one worked no problem. All the more reason I would like a VPN again but already have more than I can afford in the way of all those subscriptions. I might treat myself to a prepaid yearly VPN sub later on when able.

I hear ya and feel for ya Sal. Maybe just stick with to watching some of those comedy's and a few of your favorite horror flicks (I enjoyed watching The Rite again) and go out when your feeling more like it. I find forcing myself is not always the best course of action. Finding the will is what makes those pushes more doable thus often more important. Let whatever cycle as it must.

Edit - Really liked that ambiance link you put in on your previous page. I used it out on a walk. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/nature/sun-2-smiley-emoticon-animation.gif

[salvator here]

Glad you enjoyed both the ambiance link and the movie clip - I miss Leslie Nielsen and was sad when he passed.

Today I cleaned my carpet on my hands and knees. it was starting to look like the lobby of the airport. Don't get me started on the bathroom ... looks like a 24 hour gas station. They say cleaning is good for the soul. Haha :)

Hopefully I'll make it to starbucks today.

[Ponder]

I hope starbucks went well?

[Ponder]

Sal? Good Coffee? This forums echo's too much when it's only me.

If I may be so bold:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxX7QCll3oc

I'm back to looking for a new space to post but still can't find any. Hope your back to feeling able to post whenever.

[salvator here]

Good news :)

[Ponder]

I am here. Sal ... I really appreciate you doing that and the way you expressed like so in that post reminded me why I like you so much. I'm just not sure I want to be a part of the mental health forums myself anymore. :(

I have been up since 1:30am ... now almost 3am as I type out these l-e-t-t-e-r-s. I just spent a bit of time creating this:
https://onlinejournals.proboards.com/
It's only 1 and a half hours work ... but I think I am onto something.

You are most welcome to become a part of the creation side of things or give me ideas what features you would love to see in your ultimate forum.

History has shown me that things never stay the same. I do have a two close offline friends who live some distance from my town whom I have known for for about 15 years. I have had some online friends for years running. Currently you are my best online friend and I think its been quite a while now. No pressure, but if you find starting out in a blank forum a little to isolated I will understand. I am just hoping you might still read me from time to time is all.

I will go back into my Journal in this here forum and explain why it is that I am going down this route. I will of course in turn follow you either way despite carving out an entire new forum that better suits my needs. Once again Invite you to play a part and have the forum tailor made to your own preferences as well. It's just there are some limiting things in general forums that this forum does not have. Moderators being one of them. I will explain more back in my thread as I don't want to take up much space in your own.

That said and more to the point about you.
Hang in there! You choose to take the paths that best suit you. Not just talking about where your journal ends up ... but in general daily living is all. I am about to make a major life decision on what it best for me and not others. I explain later. I know you have the capacity for peace. I know we all do. I also know the capacity for pain and I respect what your saying regarding suicide. I find there is a healthy although still very much challenging way to express around this topic and like the topic of 'End of life' in general there can be some good in simply acknowledging when we feel this way. This is another reason I am creating my own forum without (visible/show boating) moderation. The language we use is everything.

Either way I am feeling for you and with you. For now I go make cuppa, think more on my 'sales pitch' to entice you and perhaps some others. Chuckles ... because it's really not about that. But I would like to explain further on my aims without taking up anymore space. Again - you really expressed that so well asking the way you did. ;)

[Ponder]

I've pretty much set myself up in that above forum Sal. Same Avatar but changed my name from Ponder to Newbie for a fresh beginning.
I'm still here of course (for now) but figured I would let you know I am prepping to leave and hopefully for good. I explained why in my AF thread.

I do hope your able to pop in from time to time.

Sorry you are caught in a deep rut. I should be available in this newly created forum otherwise I will for sure make note of your name over at NMP.

Too much to carry in here. I think it want to revert to what is was which is find by me as along as I have a new space which I am feeling OK with for now as is looking pretty good.

Once more, I do hope you pop over as the new place is specially designed for people to post whatever and however they choose. Fully respect though that you need space. Just saying is all.

[Ponder]

Sal - I made a post direct to Nicola (https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?245071-Would-this-forum-allow-journal-diary-(type)-threads-here&p=2009033#post2009033) explain what I was looking for re a Journal Board within a forum category. You were nice enough to ask so I thought I would show interest and am prepared to ditch the forum I started making if they are accommodating to my request.

Edit ... Judging by the way some members are popping into the thread you made and acting like your request is a poll, I am not sure NMP is going to be a place I can handle very well. I'll try if they are accomadting, however without a specific place for journaling, it kind of defeats the purpose for me. I'll keep looking for someone with a little action whilst using my new space as well. The forum I made lets me put in more than 5 images and seems to have quite a few other perks when it comes to journaling features. Very hard to get with other forums let alone find sub categories for Journaling. Weight loss places have them, but not really my thing ... although weight loss I need and I have kept a likewise dairy or two.


Thank you sal :)

Hope your felling a little better?

[salvator here]

I think I'm just going to watch the remake of Fright Night on Netflix tonight.

I feel like shit :(

[salvator here]

Well.. I got out today but it was awful, but I'm here. Home sweet home.

I'm going to watch something I've been putting off as I'm not sure I need to be watching sad things, but I'm going to (attempt to) watch.

https://www.netflix.com/title/81040370

Pray Away 2021.

A documentary about the harm "Conversion Therapy" caused to LGBTQIA folks that had to go through that and just how damaging religion can be - as If I don't already know that. Luckily, although growing up was hard, I was never subjected to such nonsense and was allowed to just be myself and not a confused mess because of fear(s) that God hates me and dams me to hell for something I did not "chose". I feel really bad that in 2021 there are still people struggling (questioning) this. Good grief, though I don't care much for 'labels' I suppose I'm actually Queer/Asexual ... I just say I'm gay because people have a hard time understanding it; just easier that way. Besides that doesn't define me.

Oh well, if it gets me depressed then its off and back to a stupid vampire movie or some killer in a hockey mask.

You know the saying: Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me. Wait.. is that is ... hahahaha

[salvator here]

Well.. I have to speak to my therapist today and I don't know what to say, I've made little to no progress. I've been finding my days aren't getting better and sometimes getting worse as the day progresses and it won't let up enough to give me a break.

Its just so much. I don't know. I'm supposed to pick up where I left off regarding my case again this September and I have no energy or desire or drive. Just so much. Hard to explain. I have to go thought another Neuropsychological Testing even through its as clear as day my diagnosis but the system is fighting me at every turn.

Deeply sad, worried, panicked, scared, angry, spiteful, regretful, and at times I wish I were dead already. I don't see how this is going to improve. Suicide has become much more than a 'fleeting thought' lately.

Just feel like its all slipping away. Crap, it already slipped away ages ago and I'm just existing and feel already dead.

Sorry to be so depressing guys.

EDIT: Jeez all those typos ... I'll just leave it as is.

[salvator here]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CflcJ-HSA_Y:evil:

[Ponder]

I'm back Sal - not sure how long but whilst I am here know that I am reading you once again and always here to help if I can. Thanks for touching base. Since being back I have been enjoying a number of your varied posts. I personally think it's normal to be up and down at the best of times let alone in a world bent out of shape as is now. I only hope I can off set my own struggles with as many encouraging posts as yours.

Thanks for the one above! Now I know where I can go when my battery is running low. :)

[salvator here]

I just got up. It's good to see you back :)

[salvator here]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWE-ggnQwFk

Giving this one a go today to try and regain what I've lost over the last few days. My mind easily turns into cottage cheese if I don't use it. I'll play a easy game or 2 and let this one go and just let it take me wherever regardless. My mood is somewhat stable today for some reason, but I feel something dragging my (already fractured) Psyche into dark places. I'm trying to distract myself when it happens because it serves no purpose today as I just need to go through the motions and see. I don't know what I'm facing today; honestly.

UGH :(

[salvator here]

SAL - what did you mean when you said "I'm not even going to continue with my case this year ... Understand if you don't want to elaborate but since you mentioned it in my other thread ... I am all ears!
What's happening brother? I've still got an appeal going on myself. Can be quite draining and feel very much the same way.

I'm sorry if my return and candid ways have interrupted a good mood. That said, I'm still here to help. I've said what I needed saying

Ponder, I decided after having a good session with my therapist just got off the phone that I will continue with my case.

EDIT: She said (her words) "hands down" there is NO reason you are not qualified to receive benefits and there is no way she would EVER want me to try and put myself back into the work force as I couldn't handle it and am already struggling with day to day issues. To even attempt something when unstable as I am I would likely act on my suicidal thoughts. Hard also to accept that I am disabled but there is no question and I need to not pretend I'm something I'm not. Its just been tough for me for so many reason and conflicting diagnosis and manipulated test results. so hard to explain and I will try again later.

Right now, I seriously need to get the hell up out of this house and get some fresh air as I've been hiding inside and it too nice, so I agreed to allow somebody to take me to the village and starbucks. I'm dressed and ready to go. I take a benzo with me in case I get an attack while in public.

[salvator here]

My word, I'm sooo glad to be home now.

[Ponder]

Just pumping up my tires now ... also trying this 'dusting myself off' procedure and will be back!

[Ponder]

I just got back from a ride listening to those vibes you link above (Complete Brain Healing Sound Therapy l Genius Brain Power l Increase Alertness & Focus) Worked well. TY. I also decided to take some clips with my phone and share that later in my other thread.

Yea - The Process itself is enough to further disable but I think is good that you are going to push through with said claim. This world is 100% a crusher for those that do not fit into its economic machine. There will always be something more and it will be always be advertised where even those most disable of all, are still contributors playing the part of a being a commodity. I say this as someone long term on the benefits. There will come a time where we would do well to day NO - no more carrots! But for sure! Do what you can to get a base that allows you to not be homeless and accepted whatever they feel they must use as a label. How you identify thereafter is key to your ongoing health. Just because we are stamped as whatever does not mean we have to carry their labels. I appropriately call myself byproduct. Those still caught up in the system and deeply invested do not like such an outlook ... but that's OK ... I have labels for them. lol

Seriously, I am please your looking to push for what you feel you must. I want you to get benefits. I understand. My only advice is just roll with the labels. They do not define us in the least. They might attribute certain traits that are similar and we may learn helpful things - but over all the way in which so many of us allow ourselves to be bound by diagnosis/s plays very much into the control mechanism.

Keep on keeping on doing the things you love. We don't need to play on the conveyor belt everyone thinks is the be end all. Forgive me taking liberties by saying we. Just meaning to say I totally get the no longer working thing. I never did understand the mentality for that in this world. Toxic at best. Great for those who it works for but a crusher for those it don't. Blame shame and all that.

There is a LOT of good we can still do without playing into that scheme. Sorry I say too much again.

I share those video clips of my bike ride soon. ;)

Yea - The meds have been helping me too. I use mostly PRN. Good idea having on hand knowing how they work. Thankfully the more I tune in with my routine the less I need.

I too am glad to be home. All that community access pushing is over rated. Monopolized at best. Just get on the base scheme and be careful once on. In Australia they almost go door to door selling disability schemes for those on. There is as much warranting and ongoing verification with assessments depending on what scheme your on. It can end up being a full time job which defeats the very purpose of being on it. Depends what the flavor of govemernmet is in for that term.

Wishing you success - expect to appeal and if it comes to that ... make sure you do. It's almost expected these days. Treat as part and parcel of the 'normal' process.

[salvator here]

Thank you for that my friend. I hope you don't mind me saying that from time to time, but at times I feel closer to you.

Yeah, admittedly, yesterday was another rough day for me. Not functional and extremely hopeless and depressed. Last night when I went to bed (I'd already been in bed much of the day anyway) I was hoping I'd not wake up to be honest and was mad when I did. Just hope its ok to be honest without causing you or others reading to feel the same as I, because, I wouldn't wish it upon anybody.

Could go on and on but whats that point?!

Here I am now sitting here and need to again dust myself off. I just don't have a clue as I sit here other than drinking some green tea feels somewhat soothing and all I ate yesterday (very healthy indeed) was a entire bag of chips wish salsa. I need to do better somehow today and tomorrow nobody is coming by because its a holiday and its up to me to pull myself up out of this.

Really sorry guys, I'm trying. Keep finding myself in this spot with only small spots of hope or determination spurts.

I don't know. I'll try again later and see is a short walk to get some fresh air will help clean the cobwebs. I don't know.

[salvator here]

And now its 9AM and the TV is behind me (I sit in the corner computer stand unit because the sound is better in the room) and fucking religious shit is being pushed upon me to add insult to injury. Gonna have to shut out this if I'm going to survive. As I sit here I recall looking a my bottles of whiskey when felt similar and the comfort that knowing it would all go away was such a relief, but the hangovers OMG. I didn't stop until I passed out into a coma.

How can this happen??? How can somebody be at polar opposite of the world??? !!! I realize my upbringing was faulty and I was taught bad information. Like 'Be nice and everything will all be fine'. Most of my upbringing was from the Catholic Church teaching and they were BAD BAD BAD and so very wrong and damaging.

See what I mean ... I feel so dark with no light left in my soul. Not the religious soul teaching bullshit either. Fuck religion and politics and I ALREADY know I was born a piece of shit and full of sin and I'm supposed to go on in life being guilty begging for forgiveness. I see other so-called "Normal" people are WAY sicker than I and they are doing great in life.

OK ... logging off

[salvator here]

Doing a bit better and going to get in the shower and wash off the sadness and I'm ready to take on the world ... well, I wouldn't go that far, but I can't allow this to keep happening as it weakens me further and I sink even deeper which is exactly what the system wants - for me to just go away.

Just today for now and see what happens and I can't worry about tomorrow.

[Ponder]

Not sure if this helps - anything here worth a look? If I remember correctly you don't mind a horror flick or two?

https://i.ibb.co/Vt7WGX6/Horror-Movies-2021.png (https://editorial.rottentomatoes.com/guide/best-horror-movies-of-2021-ranked/)

The super hero movies lost their charm a long time ago for me. Too much of the same thing. Hopefully one of these might be different? I've been surprised by many a B grade. Still hit and miss though?

[Ponder]

Hey Sal - What's up? How's the daily grind going? Just about to start mine.

Thinking of you.

[Dahila]

Hi guys how are you? I am good, I spend a lot of time with tuning forks weighted and unweighted, My last obsession, I also got so disappointing with what is going on . I said f***k the health care that is set to kill humans. I am on MMS, DMSO, Iodyne, Trace minerals and a lot of supplements.
My anxiety is under control, I feel finally happy, I think the months i spend going within helped me a lot, Tuning Forks too, Sound was always important to me, Frequencies, Please do not get discouraged Like always I am a huge fun of meditation. I added sun grazing and fluoride free slightly alkalaine water to my life,
Physically I feel fantastic , not kidding, I missed you guys so came to tell you that life is precious

[Ponder]

Love the sound of that D. That is great news from my understanding of things.

The sun grazing is something I am big on too. Huge in fact. Easiest thing I know that any of us can do. It's hard to feel negative when looking into the sky on a bright day where you can literally feel the sun healing as it does. Really, really glad you're into that.

Thinking of you Sal. Are you OK?

[salvator here]

So great to know your doing what you enjoy in this crazy world. Its hard to not get disappointed when life (as we knew it) is crumbling around us. I've kept to myself and stay in my own bubble now. Didn't get much sun though this summer and the weather here in New England is getting a bit colder now, but still, the colors are beautiful :)

Thank you again for stopping by; Dahila. You'll always be close to my heart. You're right - Life is precious and we can't get it back so make the best of it as possible. I've lost faith in other people and humanity as we knew it.

Thank you for reaching out to me, Ponder. I consider you a good friend and you've always been there to support me when I was struggling. Your friendship means a great deal to me. Just been rough and trying to get back up on 2 feet after a huge downfall. I'll get there and won't give up.

Lot of crap to dust off and I will try again :)

[salvator here]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmJUuorNtDE

Sound was always important to me, Frequencies, Please do not get discouraged Like always I am a huge fun of meditation.

[salvator here]

Going to have to (yet again) bring it back to basics. I've been eating garbage lately, but a nice person made me spaghetti and it was good and I'll be a bit more cheerful in October when the 30 days of horror start on TV. In case you were wondering, I'm here with other people that are dealing with issues in the complex. I don't feel like I have to pretend to be 'all together' at least, so I'll be happy for now, but I don't know my future will bring. For now, need to eat better and get up every day (which I've not been doing) and clean up act.

I'll always be an outsider and my dearly departed father always used to remind me that is a good thing. I think about him all the time and miss him when he would come visit me twice a month and we had our chats with coffee. For some reason he loved instant coffee as apposed to brewed so I would make it for me.

I wish I could just say, everything will be ok, but I don't know that for certain, but the worry will kill me quicker than life can swallow me up. At one point, I didn't think I'd even make it to 30 that way I was going.

Appreciate even those little moments of joy and never take anything for granted.

Take care everyone.

[Ponder]

Glad you are here Sal. I'm also struggling. I just don't have the energy so not going to make it more complicated by being hard on myself. I do enjoy your perspective. Sometimes it is just easier to accept where we are at rather than continually fight it. That's how I am seeing it at the moment at least. We'll work it out.

[Ponder]

Glad your doing it the healthy way regardless of whatever weight.

[salvator here]

Thank you guys ... I need to start to eat healthier. Just have zero energy lately and feel lost and hopeless. I don't know.

[salvator here]

I'm gonna have to start answering the phone, I've been dodging phone calls for almost 2 weeks, so I'll need to catch up Monday. Ugh :rolleyes:

[Dahila]

oh hi Sal, I answer only calls from very important people, I avoid phone as much as possible, I prefer to use text messages whenever possible. Phones are distractions like tv (I am not watching ) and other electronics
I hope you are better :)

[Ponder]

Hi Sal - Thanks again for the link re the retro games. Please don't mind my extreme rigidity of wishing those games to perfectly emulate.

I just popped in here wondering how your really doing? I can respect how it is that when others are not so spirited or quite the opposite, how that can drag others down or simply hold them back - more meaning negatively impact others is all. I am sorry if discussions in the forum of late have been hard to read or not readable. I have a chuckle just now because I will be writing in my own about some rather dreary stuff but I will at least do my best.

SO WHATS GONG ON? You having some wins of late re your own state of wishing to bes? Being left alone can ge a good thing in terms of our phones, appointments that remind us of x, Y and Z.

You getting enough daylight through the windows ... hygiene and all those kind of things?

Just thinking and wishing you well is all. + apologize If I have not been us spirited ... as I would even like to be.

Thinking of you bro.

[salvator here]

Hi Dave..

You're up still I guess.

I'm glad you enjoyed those games. Good memories indeed of childhood at the arcade.

How am I really doing?

I guess just sort of, I don't know, maybe sometimes I go into denial. Hard to explain. Really messed up in the head I guess. I don't know.

Thank you for posting and I enjoyed reading on the forum lately from others, just haven't had much to say.

Sleep well and I'll be here in the AM. About 8PM and going to watch something scary I think if I can find something. Will let you know tomorrow. Means a lot to know you care.

[salvator here]

Oh, hehe..

I forgot you're not living next door - your day is beginning over there.

Have a good one I'll be in "la la land" shortly.

[Ponder]

Just heading into la la land myself ...almost 12am. I hope this finds you well. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I try to focus on more positive stuff.

[salvator here]

I'm doing ok today.

[salvator here]

Yeah, I don't know today. So sick of this shit to be honest. Haven't left the house in days and I hate being awake. Flashbacks during the day and nightmares sleeping. Sometimes think about drinking myself to death to be honest.

[Ponder]

If it helps I have been house bound for weeks now with barely any bike riding, walking, Sun or even trips out with support. I've been using my computer, and mindless videos kind of thing. Also been having flashbacks as well. Seems to come with the lull episodes i guess. I have kind of been eating myself into such a state.

Sorry we are not doing so well. I'm thankful I have a yard into which I can find some relief - but to be fair ... I am also kind of OK with it all. I am more like tired with no real desire to be better or strive. In fact it's that kind of mentality that tires me. The whole drama of life in general as personified by those running the show and those happy to be pulled on strings ... ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Each to their own.

What's got you down if I may ask? Anything in particular ... perhaps life in general which is more my ailment as described above. Happy to hear about it if your able to express? I find it helps.

[Ponder]

I know they are actors and some are over the top but check out what some of the old folk these days have to put up with:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfoSgvNPIv0

Hope your feeling a little better today?

[salvator here]

Thank you for that vid; Ponder, I can't wait to watch it today. Believe it or not, just got out of bed. Slept all day yesterday pretty much.

[salvator here]

That was just what I needed. I really enjoyed it.

[salvator here]

ebrarrassed to admit I thought it was Monday. Ugh ... this happens to me and days go by sometimes. I don't know. Just doing the unthinkable and reaching back to the past. I recall ... Dahila advised me not to even look back at yesterday. She always said there 'here and now'.


...My personal advice is not to go back in the past not even yesterday, cause it is gone, Live now , today, do not waste even a moment cause it will be gone for ever.

I never forget this advice. Actually I never forget when people help me.

I've got to get out of this dark place I've been stuck in and focus on today because the past was (mostly) yucky.

[Ponder]

Yep - D has lots of good advice. Take heart as I am in the same room : |

I know you can handle the following, so I'll just say:

"We got this brother. https://i.ibb.co/NTsqSf5/Caring.png"

https://i.ibb.co/QrwkFrW/Time.gif (https://imgbb.com/)

[Dahila]

yeah we got that brothers :) Love you both

[Ponder]

............................... :)

[salvator here]

Waiting to talk to my therapist today. I accomplished nothing this week. Actually haven't really accomplished much this year thus far for that matter.

Hope everyone will find something to do this weekend besides worry about things we have little or no control.

Ok ... here's one for ya ...

Know Who's the best dancer at the monster party ... The Boogie Man :D

[salvator here]

.....................................

[Dahila]

Nope Sal we are not losing AF, think positive co create :)

[Ponder]

Editing my post because I think D hits the mark with co-create and I I don't want to entertain anything less.

[salvator here]

Yeah, I did the same. I had to look up co-create and now I understand it better. I guess (my own words) we are here because we are here. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon :)

Thanks Dahila and Ponder for the reassurance.

Enjoy your weekend :)

[Ponder]

Dahila, I am so glad you used that work. It summed it up so nicely. Sal, I am very pleased you got the gist of cocreator. It's not always so black and white, but the essence of it explains how energy works; negative and positive. The next level of understanding for me goes into mindsets and behavioral patterns not just for others but myself and how it all blends to affect everyone. In the latter sense, what we focus on tends to spread. At other times whether it impacts others or comes to bare for all - manifesting is a concept that comes next. Sorry to go on. I like to cocreate positive things that often take on the form of things when I don't have them but that is a bit of a trap when it's only about things. lol ... damn I can't help it.

Affirming is another version, but if I remember correctly D, you once said you are not a fan of affirmations? I think I understand. Or at least I can see how shallow an over reliance on such a technique can seem in a world that is bent on manifesting for their own means. It kind of all fall apart from there as intention plays a big part. Genuine intent I mean. The language just goes on. :)

Not meaning to take up space Sal ... Thinking of you guys. Have as good a one you can have.

Catch up soon. Oh Yea - I am glad for everyone that is in the forum. Seems to be doing well enough of late. : )

[salvator here]

Always great to hear from you, Ponder :)

Tomorrow is Halloween :)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zLOrCQ0BpQ

[Ponder]

Hey Sal - it that video aviable to you above?

This is what I am getting:

https://i.ibb.co/GPkh735/Capture.png

I'm sure it was good. :)

[salvator here]

Hey Sal - it that video aviable to you above?

This is what I am getting:

https://i.ibb.co/GPkh735/Capture.png

I'm sure it was good. :)

Let me know if you can find it with this query.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Scary+Movie+(6%2F12)+Movie+CL IP+-+Wanna+Play+Psycho+Killer%3F+(2000)

[Ponder]

Working. O - O

[salvator here]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kc8gFiXTWic

[salvator here]

Sort of off to a rough start today ... very disoriented.

[salvator here]

Getting dressed and in the shower as I'm going on a trip today. Should be OK as they don't allow me to stray too far when in places unknown. Gonna let this play until I go. I just wan to feel blissfully happy today. So sock of worry and sadness and regret and depression.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=020zlgGV3RI

This is seriously working for me this morning :)

[Memaw52]

For now I"ll just quote Aaliyah:

"And if at first you don't succeed
Then dust yourself off and try again
You can dust it off and try again, try again
'Cause if at first you don't succeed
You can dust it off and try again
Dust yourself off and try again, try again
Again, again"

I miss this song :(

[salvator here]

I miss this song :(Yes, I recall when Aaliyah left us abruptly and tragically in 2001 :)

[Ponder]

Totally understand. If it does not settle - I'll take a break myself in my own creation of sorts. hehe. I always love experimenting with making new forums then coming back later once the ripples fade away. I'll comment further in my thread but yea, I think I know the place to find you if I don't see you any time soon. ;)

[Ponder]

... PM sent.

[salvator here]

Need to "dust myself off" I think again and 'try again'. I honestly don't anything anymore. Everything is mixed up and nothing is right. People are walking contradictions.

[salvator here]

So hard to find any balance or equilibrium in this madness out there.

Sorry everyone

[Ponder]

Please know that I am here and that as you know my own struggles with addiction that I am in fact reading. Yet I understand the disclaimer. I've touched base in a few other threads and left some encouragement that might help with lifting up ... but for now man, I think this is excellent stuff and don't want muddy the waters as what your doing right now in here is something I feel more of us would benefit in doing. Way better out than in Sal. I have to continue working on something else and will come back here later to pay even more respect which we all deserves. I think the struggle in many other forums Sal is the lack or respect. I am totally 100% right by your side with all you said and you just said it so well.

I'm glad it has lifted a weight Sal. That is why we need the space that this particular forum offers.

I started making small steps before making the final decision. I found that in fact help me make the final decision which eventually cut it all out. I think your onto something with that. Do it all in your own time. As long as you feel you are moving forward that is all that matters. Your attitude to food has actually helped me from many posts ago.

Take care Sal ... I have been thinking about your situation and I say again you are never heavy. I wish more would join us in these dairy type threads and just say it like it is or how it is for them. This truly is the forum for doing jus that.

I really needed to hear someone else say it the way you did. YOU ROCK SAL!

[salvator here]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ho91a_GwYxs

Wow .. feeling this right now. Even just through the HP Speakers this is pretty good overall.

[Ponder]

Awesome Sal - Just used it whilst writing out my wall of text. I do hope that your are resting well as I begin my day and accept whatever comes. Perhaps then I can actually do the things I love. Thinking of you. I go have a small cup and sip some green tea. Thanks to you. :)

[salvator here]

Glad it helped, sometimes those Chakra videos help, sometimes, I'm too absorbed and numb to feel which is worse sometimes, but I'm working on this because when those of us that feel energy, we have to somehow filter with firewall or something.

https://www.healthline.com/health/fitness-exercise/7-chakras

Thank you for caring, will try to remember to appreciate the the things I love about being alive. Sometimes, very worth the pan, sometimes, I don't know. I don't know.

Waiting to talk to her today and we'll see. Likely will not change meds again and see, its not the meds, its me.

I'm drinking mint tea with splenda (bad sal) and will try to just accept what comes and just "be". Hmmm ... just be, if people weren't involved, I could just be and not worry. Actually, there is something to talk to her about today. I'm just me and I don't pretend to be anything other. Wouldn't want to be "normal".

Will report back after and hopefully get outside, if you only knew how long I've been inside. Ugh ...

Ok, I feel (cautiously and suspiciously) stable atm

[Ponder]

I hope both the tea and the session goes well. :) It's always nice to actually have something to talk about. My sessions next year will be further apart so I think that will help re finding helpful topics to bring up. I'm glad you mentioned about having a topic on mind as that can really help. Even in day to day stuff.

Look forward to hearing about whatever your able to share when you get back.

All the best Sal.

[salvator here]

Numb like a zombie cadaver. Fucking horrible today, everything is madness out there. Couldn't go out just messed around with the computers all day long. Had to just watch dvds today ... TV is cult. Dinner tomorrow is actually rice and beans that the old couple make for me.

For those looking for a laugh, this Linux cinnamon distro was so much fun today, but I just can't take it seriously. Cute though!

I would suggest just a live dvd session to try it out for fun only enjoyment. Still looking for something descent that won't make me vomit like some I've tried. Debian seems enjoyable and I'm (somewhat) familiar. Linux dot org forums is too toxic for my liking. Like funny with Serpent and 360 Chrome (browsers) I'll hopefully get a few more years out of this junk and WIN 5.1 ... who knows ... things change every week. Shake my head when I crank it up each day. I think I won't let it run towards the light and go to Dell heaven. Ha!

https://sourceforge.net/projects/fepayed/files/fe-cinnamon-10.7.105.iso/download

Neat idea and it does work as expected; nonetheless.

[salvator here]

Getting ready to watch sometimes ... will report back when I can come up with something.

[Ponder]

Srry Sal _ had to ditch that link as it started downloading without giving me a choice.

I'm sure you will work it out with the computer. I finally got my water cooled PC on the table and setup. Just need to get the lighting working but happy to report my fears are not as I thought things to be. Is now running cooler on all counts.

Yea - things are mad here but settled on today as actaully the day everyone was waiting for. Now we have the Boxing day madness to come. :)

Thinking of you ... be well as can be.

[salvator here]

Yeah..

I had to press F1 for help and a huge box popped up, reading:

"Dude ... you are WAY beyond help. Please put on your seat belt and push yourself away from your decides. You have been warned to no operate heavy machinery. Please pres F13 on your keyboard and this will self destruct your computer and you'll no longer able to harm electronics again."

........=P

[Ponder]

haha ... :)

[Ponder]

Just taking a quick break from fleshing out the new forum. Yes - When boredom strikes trolls go to work. Something we don't have to worry about in the new space. Like I will understand if you want to hang here, take a break and or come back whenever ... but I look forward to whatever you may be willing and able to contribute over at the new space as well.

I'll send another email (sent one today) regarding my suggestions on how you and I can co-create over at the new space. I think for now I have covered well enough the main focus of 'Our' Forum without going overboard.

I won't use exact words as I don't want those already causing grief in here to come on over. Whilst we could easily use admin rights to get rid of them, we kind of don't need that extra work given their obversion with using multiple accounts.

I think once we recruit a couple of moderators (and we will be sure to persuade new members taking on that role that our kind of moderation is a lot more mindful and respectful without capitalization and public admonishing - and so and so on) Sorry thinking out loud.

I have even removed the name admin and re listed that term as 'Your host'

It really is meant to be a space for sensitive individuals that do not fit into main stream groups, concepts and ideals. I am hoping the way we create and interact reflects as much.

Thus I am kind of in need re your specialized grounding skills. : ) I won't be able to do it myself from such a perspective ... yet we also need to be ourselves. I think drawing the discussions in that can be had in the generalized discussions as too those more focused on X,Y & Z: Whatever those be. You can be sure most of those will be quite the opposite of main stream.

At any rate ... I best get a few more things and get back to the task at hand with at least giving ourselves space within that frame work of above is a special categories for our mental health Journals.

I have just registered my general username so that I can also use the forum from a member perspective and not get lost in the finer details.

Talk Soon