New Beginnings - A senseless adventure.

[Ponder]

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings." -- Lao Tzu. There is something in that quote I find appealing. I guess perspective is everything. Best I can say is I'm on a new mission and having made friends with myself once more it's time to take the next step.

One day at a time split into hours and seconds. This way I can cross the finish line repeatedly throughout the day focusing on that which encourages whilst watching negative thoughts that say "I cant;" dissipate.

Pain gives way to enduring whilst enduring is no more than the time is takes to experience. TIME? Timeless. To become lost in time is to find the way - to start listening and hearing. Thoughts - hemming in to counting the seconds rather than living. To experience without experience. 'Know Nothing' - but through experience without the need to proclaim a thing without a want for anything.

Desire? - Intention based on desire ... Wanting? Nothing but more thoughts that do little for any experience. To move from negative gravity wells of thought that keep us stuck in time ... no longer learning? - ELE ... Experience - Learn - Evolve? Seems the focus on such ideals and philosophy generates more a trap in itself. MMMMM - I guess it depends on the practice. On the surface they make for good fluffy words. So soft one is unable to find grounding in their deliverance. Possibly because we don't go deep enough in each of them.

Or more a case of running from the end / the pain - which is disguised behind a new fancy new logo that promises: New Beginnings. I guess that depends on the business/corporate/entity hanging such a proclamation. Where really all along we should be embracing the pain in order to find freedom. But the search itself implies a prison where perhaps no long searching is the key to freedom. Dependent on one's level of awareness. Aware of what. Now laughs like Alan Watts.
_____________________

Enough introspection. Time to hit the treadmill and embrace the pain: within reason. My reason. One session to the next. One second to the next.

Lots of weird posts for this thread to be sure as I embark on a new adventure.

Adios. Until next post.

Sound familiar? hehe. Please excuse my desire to revisit an old friend of mine ... a new personality 'order' is on the menu. whahahaha Just kidding ... then maybe not.

Adios.

PS - senseless, being the topic of next introspection if not lost to some negative gravity well. The purpose is no purpose. Why does this for me work so well? To go timeless in my time of need where nothing exists at all. A good way to embrace the pain where there is not pain at all. AKA Finding The Zone. Also a good way to break the vehicle if not aware in this state of being.

[Ponder]

I'm going to take a break for a whiles Sal ... Take care and all that. ;)

[salvator here]

I have faith in you..:)

PS - no need to respond, take as long as you need.

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal ... I'm back in full resonance. lol AKA Present as can be ... for me. I'm still down with Tzu's quote - "New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings." -- Lao Tzu.

Where to from here? Perhaps I should give clarity to how it was that I came up with the title of this thread. Words fail so often at this level of being. I guess I was and am still in some level of pain. The word 'senseless' in 'senseless adventure' points more towards the term 'purposelessness.' In the west we are so hung up on 'finding purpose.' I would also extend this cliché to new age spiritual seekers AKA westernized spiritualty + the clinical health and wellbeing genre. It's really a cliché that is flogged to death that for me is confusing and serves more as a hinderance than any kind of solution to a world bound up with 'doing!' I understand the preoccupation with distractions as a means to finding peace. I would however ask anyone taking the time to read my ponderings to consider the other side of the coin. Moreover the focus for this writeup being about one's approach and finding balance with otherwise misconstrued terms / statements / cliche's ... or even better ... the focus of this thread to simply find our a way that does not rely on overly markets concepts.

I am a sponge in a world that loves to feed. What's on offer is not always healthy. How to make sense and keep one's dignity whilst at the same time allow nature to take it's course. The quest for eternal health and fear of failing combined with the definitions in consumer concepts keep us from knowing our true selves. Perhaps these words fall short for many and that's OK. I am not trying to influence anyone and in fact beleive the attempt to do so is what drives this confusion and hinderance that reigns. Words and terms have been flogged so hard that the attempt to make sense itself is as flawed as the concepts being constructed. Like I am saying ... that world is unhealthy caught up in construction. Always building with no end in sight.

So it is that I write or just type straight out what comes to my mind without too much focus on trying to paint one agenda as if already worked out - AKA scripted as If I know what I mean. It's OK not to know. Truth is I DON'T KNOW and that's perfectly fine. Words like confidence come to mind but more so how it is that we based these things/virtues on perfection which could not be more counter intuitive. The latter gives way to my context re my bias on western conditioning and how it comes out in my writings when dealing with the self help / western spiritualization of recovery? Recovery of what? Enter consumerism 123.

1.Create Problem (influential speech by asking a question in the tittle to impose/sell a thought or concept - on a larger scale - Organizations/Governments blow something up or create drama in order to incite whatever [typically fear] Agenda dictating the moves)
2. Reaction (atypically fear induce re step 1 - exploits a common problem where one need not exist)
3. Solution (Now focused on fixing something that has come into existence)

These steps commonly known as Problem Reaction & Solution. Not all concepts or the learnings need be distractions. This concept is a good one for me ... a good example of 'HOW' it is that the world seeks to sell. Personal Gain. I would also define the latter as control. Now let's put aside the marginalized groups that more often than not exposes a lot of truth ... but fall victim to the same fear induction methodology.

Whilst I learn a lot from the truth seeking genre ... I ground myself by changing the focus from spooky entities, individuals, groups, cults - by reminding myself that all this INFORMATION is nothing more than a construct and whilst I just admitted that not all these concepts need be distracting, that in fact some can be quite enlightening. However wrong, right, true, false or however this information becomes beneficial knowledge - it is the process and how it is that we come to sees ... that affects us.
__________________________________________________ ____

OK - depending on one's current level of awareness/being - much of what I just allowed may or may not make sense.

TIME ... hehe ... ironically is running out ← [which makes the point of how fallible our condition is] and I must get ready for a meet up. I will bring this all back into perspective with a quick video clip that is very much about the title of this thread. I did not base it on this video, however the teacher in it would probably have an idea of what it was that I am trying to encapsulate. I will try again no doubt. I don't know like I say ... these write up are more like a painting than anything else. I beleive it was on Google Talks that I heard this guy so something like "What if there is no purpose at all?" He went on to nail how it is that we really do not need to ascribe to all this new age questioning that does more to influence than allow people to find their own way. To allow people just to be. In fact it's all this doing and thriving to be more than what we already are that keeps us all out of sync ... always seeking ... always searching ... and in his this man's preposition ... always doing.

He is definitely worth giving a listen. ... at the very least a share :)

Re my senseless adventure: smiles to think ... my senseless posts hehe :) Indeed!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3bV-wc27Fk

Have a good day all.

[salvator here]

You're quite welcome.

I'll completely read this when I get up tomorrow - Nothing is sinking in tonight as hard as I try. Numb :(

I find during times like this (confusion/conflicted), my level of awareness/being is actually in heightened state - which can be both a curse and a blessing of course. Ugh.. hard to explain.

[Ponder]

That's sounds very familiar and why I took a break. I'm just messing around in yet another painting room. Come and play once your well rested. :)

[Mindalex]

New beginnings are somewhat scary as humans tend to be afraid of the unknown which is often the case when starting all over. There's a question of where and how to start. We are so used to our lives or maybe had too many frustrations that we refuse to anticipate for the better. New beginnings are wonderful when we are open to truly and totally letting go of our past.

[Ponder]

I can of course only speak for myself. Once I have truly let go I no longer have any questions. I'll just settle for no time like the present. What rings loud for me with the gist of what you just said Mindalex is as follows. I find it's the anticipating that's more a barrier. There's a lot of past and future in that act which keeps me from being present. However to contemplate acceptance of the unknown .. well that has potential for 'allowance' rather than angst ... at least from my own personal experience. I find angst is spawn from anticipation. Once allowed; ["I'm OK as is"] there is no need to become better. The act of striving as I typically see only feeds the anticipation and illusion of not or never being good enough where one is in continual need to be better. Enter the conveyor belt of Mental Health Programs and never ending life coaching sessions! Hence our emphasis in overly analyzing broken Vs better. Moreover the very comparison itself is like 1,2 & 3. *above post.

For me to read things on another level and find a similarity rather than feed my 'own resistance' ... I will concede that negative patterns do in fact restrict me from having a positive outlook.

Sal knows me well (if I may say) where he would use the term Realistic in our talks. However Sal and I have the benefit of many discussions.

I value your input Mindalex and apologize for my own resistance. I can't help but see things in different ways however I am sure our intentions are very much the same. The process in which I connect more key for me.

Optimism is seemingly hard haven struggled so long or being pre-dispositioned to bouts / episodic cycles and the like. In that I do I see room for improvement but not so much a case of me becoming better. My take is just my take. I use a different language than most of my family and friends. Trusting the meaning of words, with memes being what they are and ADD gripping most of the populous as it does, makes it very hard to understand the many messages.

Thanks for your valuable insights. Feel free to keep telling it as you see it. In summery I tend not to anticipate due to my inherent/resultant anxiety and for me I have busted the myth of betterment and likewise well meaning motivational slogans. That said I 100% resonate with your alluding to re Optimism being hard for those of us that have struggle so long. I'm also wary of Positive thinking in it's cliché form - but yes ... we humans are in deed resistant to the thought of improving when we have suffered so long. Learning what suffering means also helps ... acceptance doing away with all forms of expectance. I wish to anticipate nothing as expectation is a %$#@ : ) -

[Ponder]

Where abouts you live Mindalex? UK ... US ... Canada? You do many other forums? Hope you don't mind me being so foward. We don't get many people passing through these days. What's your claim to fame re anxiety? Just life in general?

PS ... also filling in time waiting to pick up my wife. But is good to meet new people as well.

[Ponder]

Don't mind me. The questions are genuine but I understand my ways are us confusing as I find this world to be. I hope my intention to keep a reasonable tone makes up for my faults. In your own time and as you wish. I have a habit of tuning things upside down in order to make sense of what others say. I rarely fit the mold kind of thing.

Anyways ...

I had a bit of a break down tonight. Sent off a few emails to my supports expressing as much. Whilst I am in a lot of physical discomfort re an ingrown toenail preventing me from my usual copping mechanism of exercise, I'm having issues with the continual warranting of supports. Long story short, always having to submit a level of dysfunction in order to qualify for subsidy. Whilst it can be reasoned we have a good welfare system over here, it does come at a cost with one's identity. Especially when you have to regular focus on one's certification of dysfunction. The irony staring my in the face tonight before being triggered was the 'goals' as listen in my Government Funded Plan. That Mr 'David Kynaston' cares for his identity. It made me think of how those helping often change my words like police do when taking statements. The truth is and I have said it many times in here - I am all about disidentifying from the pretext of what society says I am. Yet there it was staring me in the face looking at that information telling others who I and what I think I am. A felt a deep level of shame come over me and tonight I feel like giving up all my supports as the cost to my true identity I feel is too much.

Sigh. I did cancel the appointment with those that requested such personal information and told them pretty much all the above. Whilst it might appear in my resistance to hand over such personal information that I do indeed care about my identity ... BUT ... its not about that at all, but more about the oppressive nature in which one must be pegged as dysfunctional that I think it's time to stop playing these games. To be sure I don't function very well at all in society. Although where once my outbursts would have be seen as criminal - my dysfunction now is pretty much just a sapped human being that no longer has the will to play along.

I'm in a lot of pain but the fucking around and indignity of getting help ... for my assessment ... of those in control does not warrant giving up my BS identify. lol Sorry ... that probably does not make sense. I know my supports would laugh. Even in their job roles they know its all a load of fluff. I am blessed that at this stage I have been wise enough to choose good people that I get along with. In that I have put in a lot of work and respected those individuals as I would like them to do for me. That said though I expect I still come across as misunderstood as I do in here but that's OK. We too do our best to work on tone. It's just those on the Convery Belt of services pushing everyone through ... well those types don't have much time for respect. Such is relegated in the same manner as robotic kids laughing behind the counter at your local drive through.

All good. I'll go back to the GP and forgo the higher levels of help. I'll work it out. It really is more about the BS programming that we go through that has hit home for me tonight. close to home that is. I am going to re-word my plan. Definitely take out the BS about my identity being important. The identity I have has basically been fabricated by society. I 100% want nothing to do with that. This whole focus on permanently being fuckup is so unhealthy but there you have it. That is the extent of people competing with other dysfunctional individuals in a welfare system based on our most advanced economical system. har har to think how it comes down to our goals being how much our identity means so much to us. This fucked up individual cares less who wishes to steal his. No body would want it if they truly knew what you give up in order to receive said help. Things are not really as they seem.

Clearly I am hooked line and sinker and I don't like it one bit. Basically reading over my plan tonight has depressed the hell out of me and the requirement for others to have it in order to help me ... makes me really want to give it all up. I just don't think anyone can understand that. Yet whilst others may seek to dismiss me as ungrateful ... I stand by how the requirements of said system keeps us fucked up. I've said it so many times with other examples ... tonight I make a case out of myself. Granted I have done that before when not doing so well. So it is that I am at a cross roads. I know my wife would not forgive me if I give up the supports. She actually benefits to some degree ... although she has recently been approved so maybe not such a Biggy after all.

I don't know - I am just really exhausted with it all. Yea ... very lucky on one hand but on the other ... I just don't think anyone will understand. It's like sure - I am not exploiting as I myself agree by taking on the identity of being permanently fucked up and Christ knows who would not be if as blessed as me ... (but should I really beleive in that ... what good does that belief do me? However it does fit the bill to warrant such help and hence I must explain it every time I fucking need help) Get the drift? Talk about negative affirmations. Double edge sword. So I take advantage of my past yet in doing so become stuck in it whilst so many disadvantage I see all around me whom are not quite yet there or have not officially agreed to be as fucked as me do not get help like me ... that fucks me up too. Now I have a standard to meet in being fucked up.

Sigh ................. I don't know what to do. At this point I literally do struggle everyday on my own and the help is helping me keep afloat - my family relations also good ... yet I just wonder how I could work on those regardless of the challenges or conflicts in public. To get on the system I am on is a one time deal, but I don't like that pressure as it feels like I am behind bars ... feels like a chain and ball having to conform and or identify as is the working in my plan.

To end ... if my identity is personal ... then it should be no one else's business YET the onus of my so called identity has been made a priority of my goals and I don't remember writing my goals like that OR I have simply grown out of it and see things differently.
_______________________

So there you go Mindalex ... a little more about Mr David Kynaston. Nice to meet you. hahahaha

Today I could not keep my identify therefore I no longer want it. I finish on that. Where I go from here ... I don't know.

I think it's time to delete this world and all that is in it - perhaps a reset will do. With no fucking identities or characters ... just ones and zeros.

I think more on that.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzz010101010110101010101010101010101010 10101010101010101010101010101010101010101101010101 01010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101 01010101010101010101010101010101010101011010101010 10010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101 01010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101 01010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101 01010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101 01010101010101010100100101010101010101010101010101 01010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101 01010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101 0101010101010101010101010101010101010101010

[salvator here]

Honestly, Dave..

I was going to create a new thread here about this very thing. The system is fighting me at every turn and having me jump through impossible hoops, and I'm not even asking for much! Its not like I'm faking this shit - everything is in my record - clear as can be, yet still doctors and the test results are manipulated to wok against me so I find myself back at square one. While I have a VERY clear diagnosis (since 2002 - confirmed by MRI) that I have 'Chiari brain malformation type 1' from a TBI I suffered as a child, the (so called) "professionals" fight me at every turn. In 2019, I failed my Neuropsychological testing and it was abundantly clear that I have well documented deficits (decision making/impulse/reasoning) are way left of center, they word the results to fight against me and it always comes down to depression and anxiety. Fuck me.

So now...Mindalex, and Mr Dave (and AF), you (now) know more about me. Its not like I was hiding it here on the forum from anybody, I just couldn't find the right place to get it out, and truthfully, i have times when I just give up and say fuck it, why bother even trying anymore or asking for help. There are times when I think creating a thread would help me, and then ... poof ... my desire and motivation dwindles down to zero and I just curl up into a ball here on my couch.

As far as my identify, hell, its so far in the rear view mirror.

I'm sorry I have no real advice for you, and for that I feel bad, other than to just simply say .... I can certainly relate and empathize.

Heavens To Betsy, Mindalex .. what must you think now ... Lol

Ok,, I'm hitting "Post" because there I've drained myself totally.

[Ponder]

My full condolences. Holly Cow - Sal - Whilst that is fucked up I have to thank you for sharing that. I am also glad you hit enter as I know how that delete button can very quickly become a thing. I almost did it on mine but your share is true validation and again I feel very much for your situation.

I am rolling over laughing on the floor with your ending.

Please do excuse our insanity Mindalex. The best thing to do is just chime on in with you own version of instability. Acknowledging how we are fucked up is the best practice. This is how we become our own professionals and start to question those who poke and prod us.

Sigh ... I am going to make morning coffee and read you again Sal and see if I can respond a little more seriously. That said I get the gist of your signature 'no need to respond' I have come to like that about you. I make that Cuppa and then try to respond without responding. :) It really is good to let it out as is without trying to mollycoddle.

[salvator here]

Oh no worries or anything serious required, I consider myself to be a 'character' - I'm unique. Would I want to be "Normal" ... umm ... no thank you, not for me :-))) Yeah, was good to get that out here and I feel like weight off my shoulders. I almost didn't hit enter, I'll admit that. Perhaps I'll continue with my situation/struggle one day in my own journal, might help me. I want to but tend to forgo it for some reason.

I'm glad I made you laugh, though. It was you that told me last October to laugh at the insanity, got rough, and I'm still unstable. But again, it was you that said being unstable in an unstable world is normal. See, I don't forget. You've all have seen me here at my most vulnerable already and I'm ok with that.

I try not to make people feel compelled to reply to anything I say, I guess; especially in another members thread. I also look forward to hearing from Mindalex soon.

Enjoy the Cuppa and hope you have a good day today!

[Ponder]

Yea - despite having different administrations with different ideals, polices and so forth around the world, the system is very much the same. Even when the test results / assessments could not be more clear regarding the need for help it is required that we degrade just that little bit more.

Often I will put it down societies completive nature. One far removed from being. Hence why yours and my identity (as well as others struggling like so) be also far removed. Its this competing that requires people to become vegetables rolled around in wheel chairs before the practitioners feel comfortable utilizing valuable time, money, machines and additional services. To be sure dynamics such as 'level of training/employment can see some professionals apprehensive about their decisions which all to often inadvertently have their careers competing with said results (which we know all to well are very clear) Think in terms of a lowly intern lawyer just starting out who is paid by government funds who's been on that level and struggling to climb the ladder for some time. That lawyer/solicitor is not going to be as invested as you re your condition/case but more concerned about upsetting the judge. So too it is with many doctors and practitioners on all levels not wanting to make mistakes. As a result it is much easier to wait until things reach a head - then they can confidently make a move to then assist. Carrere and status Vs Peoples Needs. Those facets in competition ... not to mention people, businesses with each other. Of course let's not rule out how politics affect policy decisions where in one foul swoop hundreds of thousands if not millions are suddenly affected. Reflects ideals beyond our scope but more meaning is not really our fault ... despite often feeling shames when we are seemingly unable to fit the requirements which we already discussed.

I also fully grasp the conundrum of going from obvious non/mental issues and via what I have termed as 'the competitive nature' am now seeing as 'complacency' ← playing a very large roll with so many of us winding up with fresh labels and or having our existing ones highlighted (= reliving & or in some cases experiencing unnecessary symptoms) The system quite literally makes us sick if we allow or give in to projected (feels like imposed) identities/label. How not to identify with a label yet accept the process/reality as perceived. The latter more complex and perhaps/ hopefully I'll be able to use better language latter that does more to help. Similar to your own efforts to keep afloat. Again full respect.

Just quickly ... out of the good help I have received (it's not all fucked) a practitioner and I somehow reasoned (mutually / guided / more over my choice) would do well with a new label. The new label was more to take the focus off what you so clearly defined. That being how decisions are conveniently being redirected to a much easier conclusion. It's not that the phycological symptoms don't exist which I see as generally manifested and or exacerbated by the process of what we now discuss. For me 'my' decision to accept a new label (ASD) has done 'wonders' in receiving appropriate supports. rolls eyes ...Forgive my sarcasm - wonders. It's a complex game to be sure and I won't dismiss that there are moves being made in society towards altering the current systems in order to allow for more functioning over all. Perhaps best to focus on that. The choice and control sort to be handed to individuals is still very much dictated by the language different services choose to use ... however ultimate that language is defined by the current policy which in itself is constantly manipulated and influenced just as our so called identity.

I'm trying to take a further step back here - as far back as our fabricated identities. :) What's important is the langue we choose to use. Last night I have a major conflict with my plan which again reminded me much of the insanity I often write about. The irrony of being manipulated into choosing X,Y and Z identify through the agreements and wording. In the light of complacency I will just say the ascribed traits of ASD have a tendency to very much attach to such dynamics which it why I am especially careful with what services and the people I engage.

All good ... not sure I made much sense ... but will leave it at that point. Ironically my support person has just turned up, although he and I are not so intertwined in that competition. We have a pretty good mutual rapport. Incidentally it was really nice to read (if I ready correctly) that your making some gains re yourself and a therapist? In fact your efforts re good spirits in the forum has been helping me. ;)

I read up on your DX Sal ... still taking it all in. It helps me also understand more of your challenges. What you have said has helped me helps ... I sense some of my ramblings may help as well. When it comes to zeros and ones ... you a very good friend. Sending you nothing but good thoughts.

I try to make more sense later on in a more beneficial way that builds on your strengths despite the obvious constraints that hold us back like so.

Have a good guys.

[Ponder]

Oh no worries or anything serious required, I consider myself to be a 'character' - I'm unique. Would I want to be "Normal" ... umm ... no thank you, not for me :-))) Yeah, was good to get that out here and I feel like weight off my shoulders. I almost didn't hit enter, I'll admit that. Perhaps I'll continue with my situation/struggle one day in my own journal, might help me. I want to but tend to forgo it for some reason.

I'm glad I made you laugh, though. It was you that told me last October to laugh at the insanity, got rough, and I'm still unstable. But again, it was you that said being unstable in an unstable world is normal. See, I don't forget. You've all have seen me here at my most vulnerable already and I'm ok with that.

I try not to make people feel compelled to reply to anything I say, I guess; especially in another members thread. I also look forward to hearing from Mindalex soon.

Enjoy the Cuppa and hope you have a good day today!

Just read now as during making above post was on a lengthy call.
Just reading you makes me see how much we are learning off each other.

The cuppa was good! A+++++ ... I am going to have another one. Thanks again Sal! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/baseball/baseball-boy-thumbs-up-smiley-emoticon.gif

[salvator here]

Its a bit after 8:30 PM here, and I just read through your postings. I think tomorrow I'll have more to say, because I do agree with a lot of that, but tonight I'm (comfortably) numb. Today was ok though for me considering. I did indeed get out for a walk - walks are also therapy session. So gonna watch a mindless movie on netflix and go to bed around 10:30, or at least start the process.. Ha :)

Thank you and I do also consider you to be a good friend. I think you 'get me' without judgment.

[Ponder]

I got a walk in myself this afternoon and felt really exhausted during and after. Totally agree with what you say but I have let myself fall too deep. Going to try really hard once more to clean up my act but not so much all at once. Going to take another short break Sal and hope that helps. I'll catch you on the flip side. :) Hope this finds you and the others well.

[salvator here]

Oh yes, take the break and work on yourself and enjoy the little things again - little-by-little - day-by-day ... that is what I"m doing.

I'm feeling fairly alright this morning. I slept about 5/12 hours of quality sleep. I'm sitting here drinking a spearmint black tea with agave :)

Of course, no need to log in and reply, in fact, when you do return (no pressure), no need to even return to this thread. Lets just say and agree this thread was VERY important and a momentous breakthrough. I'm fine with moving on and going forward from here, because each day is a new chapter.

Well wishes to you and yours.

[Ponder]

Man that was one hell of an 8 day sickness bout. I sincerely hope that is over with. Touch wood. I have some kind of fatigue thing going on. I succumb to a weeks bout not long after moving in and this most recent on was set off with a bit of an anxiety attack. My wife found a condition that fits the bill and says I would do well to explore it but for now I won't focus on that as too much else going on. She might be onto something yet even if more bouts continue and I want answers I really don't want it to be true. OK enough talk. For now I savor a moments peace from the headaches, stiffness, dizziness and so on. I admit I am still weak though and unable to do the work in the yard that needs doing. I will try a little tomorrow. I have kept my plants going well enough though.

OK - little bit by little bit.

Night night ... tomorrow I look forward to hopefully seeing SN9 make history by completing a landing sequence that's never been done. At least not without a massive explosion. They have aborted and might even tomorrow ... but I feel it could be the one!

Still awaiting approval ... if they do and they prep for launch the follow link is good place to start:

Stream has not long started. Many people will say the launch is scrubbed. Don't pay attention to that. Just read the overlays to get the official information of what's really going on. Normally when it is scrubbed they will tell you either by text scrolling across the image of a large overlay to the left side. Just take the live chat with a grain of salt. Better yet ... turn it off.

If it does launch it wont be for at least several hours and there is a good chance it might get scrubbed ... but to watch it LIVE if it does launch is really something. For me its on par with the moon landing. I was born the year in 1969 ... this could be my new 1969 ;) At least there is a good chance Elon will land a Rocket on Mars within in the next 3 to 6 years. Moon in at least 3 if not 2. At the current rate I might even be alive when they land a human on Mars ... although that depends on my will to live. lol. Yadda yadda - at least I have a reason to wake up tomorrow: (this morning I watched an abort but only watched for an hour ... I enjoy looking at the launch site. Is like sitting on a boat in calm waters. Each to their own ... generally I turn down the commentary and have a couple of windows open with different feeds/perspectives) Chat can be a thing but usual not for me. Try it out ;)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpQwQx4Q_Dc

Is hard to sleep thinking they might launch before I wake up but I highly doubt it. Last time it was about 9amish Australian Time. At any rate I am sure there will be highlights all over the place if they do launch and stick the landing. Here is a link to the last attempt which although crashed was still considered a great success: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrOYSF32gwE
Or check out the thread I made previously with more links and different perspectives re the MARS ROCKET in the making!
(http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?38185-Mars-Rocket-Preps-for-Historic-Text-Flight)
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ... sun is coming up over there .. night night ZZZZzz

[Ponder]

Rumors have it that SpaceX is still waiting on FAA approval regarding something about repairs on SN9. It appears as if Elon might launch SN10 in the meantime; not likely today though. However SN10 will also require FAA approval which should be less of an issue as SN10 did not fall over in the high bay. SN9 looks as if it requires a certificate of repairs with the delay on it being all about paper work. Anyways - The future for SpaceX is said to be launching 3 Starships a day. Looks pretty cool with two of them out there. Currently it seems like SN11 is near completion as well as another 2 starships underway. They really are starting to churn these things out like Telsa cars. lol

Another stream Channel → Nerdel Cam 4K (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ky5l9ZxsG9M)

https://i.ibb.co/bQxNf00/sn9-and-10.jpg

Anyways ... feeling almost good enough top play a little World of Tanks this morning ... almost. :)

Yawns ... "GOODMORNING!"

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/drink/coffee-machine.gif
Latest SpaceX News Updates on Youtube after SN9 Gets cancelled. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fa_WbZx-erw)

[Ponder]

Next launch attempt Monday SpaceX Time. Back to World of Tanks and my gardening. I'm also back to Walking. Touch Wood.

[Ponder]

Hey Kirk http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/winter/making-a-snow-man-smiley-emoticon.gif (http://www.sherv.net/) Sounds like your well prepared with a vehicle like that. (I respond in here - I think better that way - to many words and srry if a pain) Working is a great way to keep active on many levels. I only wish I could work on projects at the pace I used to. As long as people enjoy what they are doing and doing it for the right reasons (only they can know) then working can be the spice of life.

Your talk on lost in space has sent me into a nostalgic spin. Angela Cartwright probably the best actor out of the lot. Of course being a boy closer to Will's Character's age I connected with him mostly as well as the Robot. Dr smith was also a hit with the kids but I did not find that out till all these years later watching documentaries on the now retro show. I was born in 69' four years after the show had ended and watching when I was like 7. The show produced between 65' and 68' would have seen me watching re-runs something like 11 years after it was created. I'm 52 - the Feb. Will is now 66 and Penny is now 68.

Judy was too intense for me even now. lol As I got older Penny still won out in the sex appeal re those silver uniforms and my slowly developing mind but back in the day when I watched lost in space will, penny the doc and the robot stole the show for us kids. At least in my opinion. Judy and Major Don were quite frankly a little boring for me at that age and even later I still find those two a little boring. I probably would of been more entertained with a gay couple. No offense of course. I like gay people and thankfully have a gay friend. Certainly don't do well with homophobics (and like wise narrow minded peeps), or at least struggle maintaining friendships with such limited mind sets. Then again not many people get along with me as I talk too much.

Sorry where was I? arrrr Yes - Lost in space. HERE you might like this photo I just found:

https://i.ibb.co/3FxWZGn/Lost-in-Space-1.jpg

Got to tell you the 12yol on the left (hard to beleive - research google and do the math - did not start until 12) has a look like my 7yol grand son and the 15ylrl on the right is emanates way way more differently than 15yold girls today. Times have changed soooooooooooooooooooooo much. I'll just call the era of TV the age of innocence. At least I think so looking back - comparatively so. The time when you could watch a show with your kids without the drama of sex. Granted Judy and Don where at it but it came of more corny as opposed to the mild porn we get these days. Today you get like 12 yolds mastering the art of crutch grabbing with golden globe award winning performances. Sigh - don't mind me. I guess I am just an old grouchy fart before my time. That said today people are said to be over the hill once they pass 25. @ 30 your mutton dressed up as lamb ... thereafter a try hard for the consumer market.

Here is another photo I found of Penny - Is not hard to tell who she is as she stared in this one (Sound of Music) at the same age she started lost in space:

https://i.ibb.co/QJ0QLcM/sound-of-music.jpg


But lets not forget the star of the show - The famous lost in space chariot:

https://i.ibb.co/W30bdym/chariot.jpg

Yea ... got to love those classics. I miss the 70's and an this case for those a little older than me ... the 60's. To be sure they had their own hung-up like we do today and I ponder to think what kind of kind of family shows they will have in the future. One things is for sure - they don't make em like that anymore. I don't we have evolved much at all, but that's just my opinion. Sorry if it sucks.

Great memories though. I think I will go out the back and make beleive play with a few clumps of dirt and rocks. : )
Seems like the only ones doing that today are the autistic ones.

[salvator here]

Hey, Dave..

Its a winter wonderland out there today. Get this ... today I feel trapped in the house because I can't go out, when on good days, I don't go out - go figure :)

I decided to remove my posting from the "How Are You Doing" thread so its not about me and my drama. Besides, we should give D our support now. If you want to read it (or haven't already) I'll find another place to post it as I saved it on my compute. Perhaps a new thread as I always promise but never deliver Lol. As I said in that posting, you really seem to have your zest back - good to see!

I've been reading your thread (as I always do) and find you to be a very accepting and open minded person. The world need more people like yourself. Regrettably I don't know much about Lost In Space, but am enjoying you and Kirk discuss it.


I like gay people and thankfully have a gay friend. Certainly don't do well with homophobics (and like wise narrow minded peeps), or at least struggle maintaining friendships with such limited mind sets. Then again not many people get along with me as I talk too much.

Well now you can say you have 2 gay friends - one in real life and one online here :)

Enjoy your Monday and week up ahead - Wow, its February already!

[Ponder]

That's awesome Sal. You made my day re my online friend. :) I would like you to know that whilst I consider most facets on the internet (and off) nothing more than a construct of a vivid program, that when it comes to 'real life' ... there are aspects of online that I consider quite genuine and influencing. Your revelations and the spirit with which you regularly express here at AF is as real as the sunshine that filters through my window. I'm talking about all emotions as well. Not just the warm and fuzzy ones. Cloudy ones are awesome too! This place has seen many connections; well established, fractured, reestablished, disconnected, tolerable, beneficial, & repairing all of which for me is a work in progress. Such has been and is my experience. Whilst many of us like our anonymity the energy expressed is as real as the neurons that fire whilst at our keyboards sipping coffee or tea. Admittedly as I get older I much prefer life over my keyboard or at the very least make the most of it to energize me that I may go relate with said sunshine in the way it's meant to be.

Never underestimate the digital world. 10101010101010101 ... https://i.ibb.co/MGTqnSC/tinfoil-hat-icon.gifThose zeros and ones are flying by with every step we take on our walks and or whizzing by in our minds with each and every thought. In that sense I can better sustain the growing intolerance now facing this so called real world when making healthy online connections. I guess I am just saying you, I and everyone else here at AF is as real as it gets. Furthermore everything we do, say and think is also real (Intention and perspective being ingredients for much needed grounding) - mmmm - forgive me Sal as I mean not to imply of others. This is how I certainly tick and I see the world in which I exist. Often my online friends mean more to me than those I see and touch. Pros and Cons like everything. Possibly easier to maintain but just as easy to screw up. I kind of eluded where I 'struggle' in all friendships re my lost in space post. The section you quoted.

Anyways - LOVE THE COLD!!! Easy for me to say living in Australia - but I do much prefer winter either way.
__________________________________________

Writing!
Possibly the best thing I reap from online. Expressing my own thoughts rather than just absorbing those of others. I don't want to push re your own thread Sal but but do enjoy it when I read you expressing yourself. Like I do with anyone. Not just echoing the cliché stuff - but questioning our own stuff. Taking what is already hashed and redefining it in a way the questions the impact and revealing it, that and ourselves in a unique way every time we revisit keyboard in writing mode. Granted my modes have been out of sorts of late - or simply just lacking the energy to summon up that creative spark. Honesty I have been extinguished.

If offline is working go with it I say. That said - it is liberating to say whatever online and still have one or two chime on in regardless if it's on topic or not. The energy feels way better when it's synergized. I feel dead in my off line writings. I have tried it. I only need one other connection from time to time to make me feel alive. Validation seems inherent but it need not be at the level of FB or YouTube. The ability for self programing in such environments is deluded in as much as when one thinks they are writing their on book, they are in fact being written into one. More meaning even with the little witty one liners people are not captaining their own ship. Instead they be playing in a bathtub on a ship that's being swept away in a digital ocean that sets the path far removed from free will.

OK - that perhaps only makes sense to me but that's OK. That's the beauty of making only one or two connections as those that connect with what others cant see is what makes those connections real. Keeping it open / being open is important though and I thank you for your kind words. I have to admit I am struggling to be tolerant of intallroance. That in itself is resistance and causes stress as well. I mean not to playing the guru with infinite loops that mess with the mind. If I do it's 100% directed me myself. Such deep reflection has gotten in the way of connections made in here and regrettable so. But not to digress there are things on my mind that need addressing with respect to my psychical health which could do with a healthy dose of reprograming. :)

All in good time.

I just wanted you and the others to know just how real you are to me.

Yes Feb already! I turn 52 on the 12th. My grandson turns 7 very soon. SpaceX takes anther step closer to Mars between the 2nd and 4th of this month.

Have a good day Peeps.

[Ponder]

What about making a trip to buy yourself a treat. Some hot take away? Do you drive Sal? I can't recall if you ever said. I cheated and made two oven pies today. :)

[Ponder]

STARSHIP LAUNCH TODAY - Touch Wood:

Could be in the next 30 minutes or the next couple of days:

Live Feed 1 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z72Au8Px7mM)

Live Feed 2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4-PwxnJimg)

Live Feed 3 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfHqbahPKpY)

Live Feed 4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ky5l9ZxsG9M)

Edit - Oh Well ... better luck next time. It took him 4 goes to get SpaceX off the ground. Here is to the third try! A+


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPsGWppHaTw

[salvator here]

What about making a trip to buy yourself a treat. Some hot take away? Do you drive Sal? I can't recall if you ever said. I cheated and made two oven pies today. :)Good day to you and hope you're doing well.

I don't drive actually, but when I do get out, I do splurge with a doughnut - very hard to resit krispy kreme :D

"as real as the sunshine that filters through my window." -

Thank you for saying that; that really lifted my mood today and means a lot. Yeah, I've always considered myself to be quite genuine .. good, bad, or, ugly .. just 'me'. Not always sunshine, but never dark. I was and still am a bit vulnerable in this harsh world, but its something I can't (and don't really want) to change. My dear father used to say ... there is nothing wrong with being an outsider. I understand, because people don't know quite what to make of me either. I don't interact with other people as expected and it catches them off guard, but the (few) people that know me accept me without judgment. My speaking and affect is, how shall I say, perhaps, (off) inconsistent and unpredictable and a little naive. Jeez, it's hard to describe myself with words. Ha :)

Anyways..

Hope everything is going well this week.

[Ponder]

I hear ya Sal. I wouldn't change me either. To hell with trying fit into a corrupt world. At least that is how I see it mostly. That said we do what we can to improve it and or the space around us. For all the benefits of driving, I can say it's over rated. I don't drive much since the road rage incident that happened to me last year. I'm kind of over it. That was the last straw re me and humans. At least in general. Of course I make allowance as I do what I can to improve myself and others where I can.

Krispy Kreme - I just found a website:
https://www.krispykreme.com.au/

Not sure if any of that looks familiar but I am kind of hanging out now. Looks pretty good to me.
https://i.ibb.co/pnvDsDz/Krispy.jpg

Pretty exhausted today. I finished laying some turf which took quite an effort to prepare the ground over the last week or so.

Also was up till 2:30am researching a computer build for a friend. He wants 3 coms built for his 3 kids - then a high end custom gaming rig for himself. My mind races away with the technical side of things when doing new builds.

Hopefully I get good sleep tonight and start grounding myself over the next few days. The yard work has been an unwanted distraction for me. I don't mind a little yard work but this new place was not looked after and pretty much let go until I moved in. Lots of work during a time I am not fit. Hot summer as well.

Other than that I see a good break coming up with the cooler months in which I can do more re my weight and over all mental health.

Take Care - don't be a stranger. Don't worry about the forum being a ghost town. We just carry on as usual. ;)

[salvator here]

You've got it - that is the doughnut shoppe!

Besides, their coffee if to die for. The doughnuts are sinful to say the very least Lol. You have not lived until you savored a classic Krispy Kreme, my only advice, is, avoid the scale for about 2 weeks after you indulge!

Seriously though..

Should improve ourselves, make allowances (pick our battles) and not let others mood(s) drag us down, because its quite toxic out there for a multitude of reasons. Lots of anger and frustration and people don't know how to deal with it (react), so they take it out on others especially on the road. I do see/feel it.

Sounds like you accomplished a lot done last week. You did better than I, essentially vedged out, I just have to much too do and don't know where to start. Everything is overwhelming, frustrating, daunting, unmanageable, relentless, and sometimes I just can't keep up, but every day or week that goes by I'm losing ground. Hard to explain, I guess.

Yeah, good sleep is very important. I can manage with around 5 1/2 but less than that and I'm a basket case :(

It doesn't bother me at all that its quiet here, I just worry that it's not helping the longevity of AF. I guess as you said, we'll enjoy it while it lasts here so long as the admin is willing to allow us this forum to continue and keep the lights on for us. Kirk, Camille and D pop in every so often. Maybe we scared off a few peeps HAHA .. nobody can say we make for a lackluster welcoming committee here ... :D

Enjoy your weekend :)

[Ponder]

I read this in the morning and now again before bed. Too exhausted but just wanted to let you know I read it and chuckled more than once. Wise word and agree re the concern of how long this place will last. I'll PM details so that we might become old fashioned pen palls via email if it comes to that. If agreeable I can store yours in my password book in the event one day none of us can log back in. Ya never know. I might hunt around for another place but have looked for years. This place is truly unique. Many of us have said it many times.

I'll write in the morning re my weekend. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Yes I have been sinful and will be avoiding the scales but will endeavor to make a new start as usual.

Hope your also doing well Kirk and Dahila + everyone for that matter.

Take care guys. zzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

After yesterday's psyche evaluation I would like to talk about my new found fear of people. Whilst there is actually nothing new about this phobia, my acknowledgement of it is. I would like to point out that I choose the word acknowledge over identify as a key point as the latter is such a problem when it comes to labels and or categorization. For context to this write up, I have an upcoming review regarding my disability supports. The assessments involved are more or less aimed at gauging current supports to effectively warrant and better utilize both services and funding Vs rolling over an already working plan. I feel my plan needs adjusting / updating so I have requested to be reviewed instead of simply being rolled over which was offered to me. Whilst I have major issues with respect to being in the world and as such struggle with motivation, I do like to be inclusive in my supports. Having the smallest sense of 'self direction' goes a long way to easing resistance/suffering. 'Control' is entirely another thing and one I see as a slippery slope. More on that later.

FEAR OF PEOPLE - Going Beyond Social Phobia and or Agoraphobia - Beyond the Labels
Where to start? It was a road rage incident that happened to me last year that I feel has triggered an inherent fear of people. Whilst this fear has always been there and something I feel is intrinsic to us all within the scope of the human condition, all the preexisting unhealthy perceptions and emotions resultant from a life-long/chronic dysfunctional background that covers both physical and emotional abuse on many levels have seemingly now amalgamated into a strong fear of people point blank. That amalgamation taking place in the processing following a crisis event; the road rage incident. It's taken like 6 months (or whatever it's been) for me to realize I avoid driving at all cost. I don't even want to go out for a walk. The latter one being of more concern as for me to stop doing something I usually love means it's pretty serious. I have not even been going out with my support person - when we do it's very brief or specifically to a very quiet place where nobody else is at.


Before the road rage incident I already had issues with people coming the other way towards me on the sidewalk or having to hide in my room when a repair man would come to my house. It is with those unavoidable examples that have escalated into full on depressive cycles that I deal with by using avoidance. Where possible I will plan ahead and adopt other stratagems although in a way that is typical full of angst and on my mind most of the time. Those being examples to many others that make daily living an extreme challenge. You see what happens when these examples get out of hand, is the impact on one's ability to regulate emotion and behavior. Behavior is a facet whereby we are judged by both the system and public. The system in a more congenial world takes its time with the categorizations of labels whilst the public are far quicker in their response. One seeks to understand yet in it's processing of defining is far from perfect. The other tends to reveal more about the human condition; ridicule and stigma. In any event the dynamics of shame itself with regards to said dysfunction with the likes of both social phobia and agoraphobia, should not be seen as the weak link when it comes to the aging fabric of mankind's society. I use the term mankind instead of 'our' because I want nothing to do with this world or the people in it.

SYMPTOMS often see individuals stereotyped by diagnosis and in many cases labeled as more than just the defining name of their prescribed condition, but more to blame for society's decay.
I think here in terms of clients/patients becoming more dysfunctional in their own identity to this or that label and the complacency within a structure than is meant to care for the byproduct of mankind's advancing society. The unnatural consequences to the human psyche when subject to ideologies employed to control the masses in an overpopulated world. For better or worse the world is a very sick place in terms of both physical and mental on all fronts. Those said to live in comfort are generally regarded as having a more well rounded perspective, however when seen from discomfort I would say those whom regard themselves as winners; refuses to see anything other than their own self interest. Yet no matter the level of pain that we each suffer, we are all prone to such a predisposition. At some stage or other we all lose sight.


So it is that when dealing with complex natures and attempting to box those up - that doing so is a lengthy process which has varying degrees of conflict which labels can never define. Thus we are left with dynamics better dealt within a spectrum that is forever changing on many levels. What fits in one box is often spawn in another whilst the consensus on one line of thought specific to one answer is in complete opposition to that which is expected when making a final report.


If things are not hard enough, we are all chronic complex cases.


What has any of this to do with my fear of people? People are like sheep within a structure that thrives on boxing. You don't have to be employed as a packer to know we have all been taught to judge each other on such a fallible level. People do it all the time. I've been packed too many times and have no rigidity left. The longer I adopt or subscribe to this world under these constraints, the weaker I become. Such a stage of existence within this type of world leaves people to be constantly, discarded, dismissed, rejected and abused. You can't tell me we are not seeing it more and more. Among the young and old. It takes a mighty fine box to withstand the system as we know it. People make up the system - hence my new found fear in people.


Something like that.


Thanks for listening.

[Ponder]

Forgive my ramble Sal - I'd rather hear about your take re psyche and cognitive evaluations? I am sorry if your not getting the help you feel would benefit you and the process also taxing you like is does me at times. Sometimes they are just necessary hoops. No need to make a thread if that's too taxing. Your welcome just to let it out in here.

Also may I ask ... you said something about stretching recently. Could you also tell me a little more about your experience with that. Like once your able to get into it (like routine and walking is hard enough these days for me) - are you finding it helpful?

Hope this finds you feeling well enough.

[salvator here]

Oh that wasn't a ramble, I'm glad you were able to get all that out, and so well put. I've read your other posting in the 'how are you doing' thread; as well. I['m glad that my sharing helps you (or others) in some way.

For now, I'll copy this onto my computer just in case you decide to delete it (and I hope don't, but would understand) and give this more thought tonight and hopefully tomorrow when I'm more "together" (using that term loosely - haha) I would very much like to try to offer some insight besides just acknowledgement. Yeah, fear, understand it all too well.

For now, herbal tea seems to help me in some way(s). Sounds a bit silly, but I plan out the night before what I plan to drink in the AM.

If find if I lay in bed curled up for too long, I'm contorted and its very hard to even stand up straight and align - because that is my desired result.

I just wanted to let you know I have read it, just not able to process it correctly atm, but I'm ok all considered.

Hang in there my dear friend, we'll somehow get through this. Don't lose hope or let this weaken you, our experiences have taught us to protect ourselves, I think this is why caution turned to fear which in turn has resulted in our isolation. I'm sorry, Its hard, because its there but I can't explain further. I guess its about 9AM over there (almost 8PM here), so I hope you will find something to enjoy today. Open up the curtains and be mindful of your morning beverage. Me, I should try to wind down and watch a movie and will hope for sleep tonight and refresh.

And please don't feel you need to respond today, tomorrow, or heck next week even - whenever you feel you want to as I'm not going anywhere. I'll post some Smooth Jazz on here tomorrow for starter and think about my new thread.

I found a movie: vulture.com/2019/07/crawl-2019-review.html

[Ponder]

All good. I'm enduring and have no desire to really change my views on humans. I just allow myself to be as I be. If anything I am thankful I have supports that also allow me to just be that. Currently working on getting out more ... but only if I wish it to be. Many of us were working towards lockdown decades before it hit. Lockdown is a walk in the park all things considered. I love the social distancing if I am to be honest. Of course all the extra paper work is a chore and why I avoid places of business more than ever before. Online is proving to be a very effective tool.

Think I will listen to podcast on my treadmill. Went for small walk today with support person and feeling a little better for it. In grown toe nail has grown a little more outwards which seems to of helped. lol ... sigh.

Thanks for the words of wisdom and support. Much appreciated.

Thanks for the Movie link. I've been getting into a few Dracula one's myself. :)

I have not seen my mum since 2012. Closest I got was at my brothers funeral in 2014 but I was standing up the back of the cemetery in the corner about 100 meters away. So that did not count. I have plans to visit her as well as my sister and step dad during the first week of march. He is not well and it might also be the last time I see my mum. She too is getting old and may not last long once my step dad is gone. That said I don't really know - I could very well visit again if this visit goes well. I regard this as an opportunity given that at their age they are still here to visit. Mum knows my brothers funeral is the last one I will attend - unless my wife dies before me and which case hers will be 100& private with my meditate family only present with a few stragglers that have done more to hinder; on the side. I certainly hope none of my kids go before me but can't rule that out as life is full of surprises. Point is - mum is very accepting of my wish to stay well away from such gatherings and just work on things with the living. In the same way I think birthdays, Xmas, Easter and all likewise celebrations are full of shit. What matters is now - the rest is just consuming.

I am good to keep writing. Just respond when you wish. Truly no pressure. I have had times in the forum where I was the only one posting for weeks on end. I also don't mind at this point. I have done so before but right now I need to write.

The phycologist I see likes me and I like him. Generally I prefer women therapists as I have suffered harshly with human authority all my life and whilst women have now joined the ranks as dominators, it was not like so when I was growing up. I've had alpha warden subordinates screaming at me to stand on a yellow line when in prison still in my teens, Police beatings, and your run of the mill alpha sociopaths dishing out their worst. It never ends re the X-military guy that tried to kill me with pick axe last year! Monkey see monkey do but it never really suited me. The only time a women beat me was twice. One of my mums church friends who was looking after my brother and I. I ran away that day and the police got involved. The other time was as the public primary school. She just like to grab the back of my hair and slam my forehead into the table as she repeated whatever to the rest of the class. Generally I grew up to respect women mostly ... or at least until the whole feminist movement went overboard and now I just don't do people at all no matter what race, color or gender.

BUT - my past does explain why I fear my self when in the presence of alpha types (men or women) - I have a reaction inside me that just wants to kill them. Literally. Such stems from the abuse of all the places that was entrusted to care for me. If not teachers, wardens, police - they were pastors. The later of course being the one who won an award and then later his victims compensated - yet still his family sing praised and take pride in his national award. Haha - That's society for you and if you have a problem with it - all your fellow citizens will just act like teachers, wardens, police and pastors. All of whom want to be right and enact a sense of control no matter the impact it has on others.

Back to my therapist: He worked in the bottom of the barrel when it came to mental health hospitalizations both involuntary and voluntary. He left his most recent place of work due to the toxicity re control hierarchy that I have alluded too. Down on the bottom rung within the health services you find X-Prisoners (XPs) X-Junkies & X-Victims of all kinds who have wised up to the system and sort employment under the pretext of lived experience and completion of a Cert IV in whatever that then sees these reformed peeps manning the desks of your local mental health services. The picture I am now painting is the same that my current therapist seems to of picked up on and reason he left the bottom rung. That is how many of these lived experience people are still quite unbalanced often projecting unresolved issues onto those whom they are to service. It's not just those manning the stations either. There are more and more lived experience individuals taking on roles or support persons and some even tackling councilor roles. Now I am all for the 'Open Workforce' which is focused towards reintegrating affected individuals by affording them space and reducing pressure in the workplace with appropriate employers who agree to assist with such a noble cause. However the introduction of open workforce in mental health is problematic at best that does more to fuel the epidemic that sees the system overwhelmed. AKA Perpetual Convertor Belt.

So it is that my therapist understands me well and has given up on that part of the system no unlike the same manner as I with society. He just exited one small part and went private is all. Thankfully I educated myself enough to be funded private. Takes a lot of work keeping up with all the assessments. I use the word 'Game' with him and my supports. Such an outlook does not make my claims invalid. Most all the professionals worth their weight fully get the concept of what a game this all be. Everyone of us that wants to keep afloat has to reassess the rules with every change of government. Get a new feel for the changing landscape in whatever division impacts your life. Aged Care, Elective Surgery and so on. It is more intense and for ever changing with Mental Health. The bottom rung is not a place you would wish on anyone. This is where chronic and complex cases are spawn and fed. Point and Case!

If your on the bottom rung (zero employment/low income) the probability to hit the mental health division is very high. Certifications OR Labels will eventually be encouraged if you are to access a stream that reduces societal expectation that generally cripples the best of the young. That is to say that even the most motivated preconditioned citizen will succumb to mental health issues if they do not meet societal expectations that require those individuals give reason why they have not yet got a job or why they need welfare assistance. If your unable to work then there must be something wrong with you. The system will only support you for so long when not employed and thus after that time expires your options are to face homelessness or get certified as impaired on whatever scale to meet whatever perquisite of whatever stream you think you should get on. This is the reality of winners and losers in our society ... at lest very much in the west. The so called 3rd world countries seem to at least treat their less fortunate ones with a little more respect. Here - we dis eachtoher packing one or the other into those boxes I recently posted; above. Lazy Sods! Junkies! Criminals! Retards! Geriatrics! & so on. The latter is how we are conditioned to self police and is rampant amount the militant and religious types that sap up the whole 'Hero's Journey' & or 'Pursuit of Happiness.' "They should make their beds and Join the Army!!!" Like that will solve everything. Chuckles at the irony with how one leads to the other re "... A Time To Kill" Need I say anymore.

Cont next post ...

[Ponder]

Cont...

My therapist really makes me feel he gets me. He is very gentle and compassionate guy. That's a good thing; very much for me at least. It shows in his tone. He says he learns a lot from me. Others have said that, but he actually only writes when I make my points and then feeds back relevant dialogue that I know means he is really listening Vs others who are just good at appearing so. - The last therapist who pretty much gave up on me (granted 4 year journey part of 8 years all up with one therapist before that - I be full time client where I make therapy work. Is a means like medication but that's another story of how it works for me - I've been at it mostly fulltime since 2012) yet was OK! She simply did not want to switch over to the new funding I was receiving. They now program I was accepted into required serve providers to make reports every so often which meant extra work. Given my stance on society above and her having police in her family and also into religion ... I feel this switch of funding I have chosen to go with was an opportunity for her to let me go. I could sense she did not understand me the same way this new guy does. Sadly she was quite rude and became over challenging as some therapist do in order to provoke whatever response. That is actually quite common tact with many therapists however the level at which they play that ploy is somewhat different. It never works well for me and most know that. That's how she and I came to an end.

The new guy comes from FiJi. He has talked personally to me about the negative impact of religion and hierarchy as he has seen it growing up in FiJi. Very similar dynamics to the aboriginal missions I attended with my stepdad when he played GP/Doctor. Much corruption with church leaders and elders in those communities just like at the top - just more alcoholism and child sexual abuse. Thing is he gets that side of me as well as the whole fish barrel welfare, law enforcement and preconditioned patriotic self police mentality rife within the mental health division/s. Currently he is a registered psychologist, Bachler of behavioral science, arts and law. Like I say, just moved out on his own and glad to be out of the fish barrel. He seems to really enjoy his job and has no issues with all the report writing. Certainly seems to like all the extra info I give him similar to the rant I made above. We are never one label - but since most people are brainwashed to worship one team/color above another ... well ... you get the gist. Fuck identifying too much with any of them. That said - the sign posting that some of these categories point to can help if your open enough and willing to put your own take or spin on the identification process. This is why I won't deal with any doctors, therapists, case workers or the like that overly challenge or act complacent when dealing with my case. Worst comes to worst I give up the program and go back to the rubber stamp. It is a fucking game ... everything we do is part and parcel to a set of rules and as you know my view of the world is more like a sick joke that only adds to the insanity if you take it all in. SIGH - smiles - So it is that I'm open to my predispositions but do what I can to work with them. This is all true of any division within society. It's not just Mental Health. if your looking for an operation or stream to warrant exemption, benefits ... yadda yadda - the whole process gets more complex with each passing year. The more complex and switching out with renaming of whatever program ensures that fewer people can actually reap the benefits sold to the public who think their votes actually count. “Hoo-ah!” To me, that says it all. Sorry I was overcome with emotion then thinking of Al Pacino in Scent of a Women.

I best find something to spur me on and get on my treadmill and see how long my ingrown toenail plays along.

Hope to entertain you with some more later on.

[salvator here]

OK, so assuming its around 11PM over there, hopefully you're winding down for sleep, so no need to even read tonight. I'm not saying anything that requires attention right now anyway. I just up and getting very good ideas on Valentines Day gift ideas again from Ryan and Kelly. Gosh, oh mercy me, wouldn't I be lost without this kind of help today from them. In fact, after watching them, I think I'll also (promptly) write to dear Abby; as well ... Lolol :D

All kidding aside: I wanted to let you know I've read every single word and have given this some thought today.

Regarding fear(s) with other people, truthfully, anything I would say would be largely hypercritical, because I actually feel much the same.

So, I'm going to fast forward before I proceed further with my gibberish:

I've quoted Al Pacino myself here a few times here but can't recall just where. Honestly, it was one of his best (apart from "say hello to my little friend", and "Hoo-Ahh"). IMO ... it just doesn't get much better than Al and Robert De Niro, and I will never EVER get sick of watching the film [ Heat ] :) Again ... IMHO.

I also read your last few posting, and while I don't have much to offer up, I can relate to much of what you wrote. I also used to think I needed a female therapist, but for a while had a male. I also demanded the requirement that be also be LGBT themselves. He (Straight and married) was ok but there was no connection, though he was being sincere when he said he did care about me personally and hoped the best for me - he just didn't (as you say) 'get me'. I'm very very hard to understand, I will admit that and I'm a difficult patient. At times, I'm all over the place and quite scattered; and yes, 'conflicted' (not to be confused with contradictory). You and I sometime late last year were discussing *fractured psyche*; but with everything going on with X-Mas madness, we just sort of let it go .. but I do hope one day we will again revisit that in our discussions. No pressure, and as I say, I don't plan to go anywhere and when the time is right.

See.. I'm all over the place right now, but will leave it 'as is' to show my sincerity.

So back to the therapist - I now have a female that truly 'gets me'. We (as you also stated) can openly talk about religion and politics; and it just so happens that we are indeed on the same page. This was a fluke that become apparent during our talks. I'm open with everything and she didn't have to share her (personal) views on [edited] organized religion [edited], but she crossed the line and I feel very close to her, and she said she looks forward to our talks, because I go to place that he other patients are even exist. We go so deep and we both keep up quite well and listen to (both) what is said / and not said.

Hmmmm, I think I'll need a short break and return later on as I've just encountered a mental block, but will post this for now. Sorry to leave it hanging here and I feel bad about that.

[salvator here]

I'm back!

I' decided to enjoy an Ovaltine - a bit lame, but something told me to go with that today.

As I was saying, I've become less shallow and no longer need nor require for my therapist to be LGBT themselves - she is married to her husband and often shares some of her experiences, and again, she certainly doesn't have to do that. She trusts me and I strongly and heavily guard/cherish peoples trust tightly and hold it close to my heart.

I guess I'll wrap this up by just saying, you've helped me in many ways, not only by directly helping me. I recall when I was new here, you said somewhere to stand under a tree. Do you know I didn't forget that. You also said something like, enjoy being on the sidewalk, as well.

I do want to say, though, please don't allow me to interrupt your thinking pattern in your journal thread, and if you every feel that I am doing so, I would hope you would tell me and I would happily observe and continue reading just as happily without the need to comment.

I hope you have a great morning and find something to enjoy tomorrow.

Be well..

~Sal

BTW: To explain myself and the edits - some of what I wrote was not helpful and would be better expressed in a thread of my own - however I left the typing errors so as to remain genuine.

[Ponder]

I've been checking in and reciprocating taking the time to read as well. Out of respect for your signature ending 'no need to reply' I let your new thread be. I'm really glad your given that a go and hope I can join in soon enough after you get your momentum going. I will tread lightly - I promise. :) It seems quite evident to me that thread creation has done you some good. Your write ups in there and here are quite stimulating and for that I am really appreciative. Of course in all modes I find your writing to be genuinely expressive. I have at times done my best to encourage it in the hope my own would be somewhat tamed (for lack of a better word) or at least partially hidden. It's great that the forum is quiet but having just a little more going on other than my own voice is so refreshing or a relief ...wait for it ... SIGH lol ... Seriously I hope you keep opening up. I know I need to peel back the layers and keep working on the same.

I have to go now. Whilst I don't care for birthdays I do have something planed for mine today. I need to get ready.

I do intend to do a retake with what you have written above but not to drag it on in a draining way. It just so happens most of the time you do talk in such ways I often connect in one way or another that like you say "helps myself and others..." .. however as you know it takes a little effort to touch on some of these things but sensing you already know that benefits from taking the time ... well I'm glad out of the inaction here that it is you reciprocating and making the time to do as you do.

You don't need my validation as I really don't need yours but there is something beneficial in feeling accepted and one's company being enjoyed. Once again these online places are no less real.

Your reply seems to of covered much of what I have said and I'm really pleased your reaping some sense of belonging as I am reading it. That is really important for each of us. You have nailed much for me in a good way once again. Hope you find your new found space something that also works.

I go do my thing ... and look forward to revisiting here and when time is right we for sure pick up some of those older discussions. For sure. I'' pick my time carefully re your other thread. :)

[salvator here]

Thank you so much for your support and words of encouragement, Ponder :)

For whats its worth - Happy Birthday - and I do hope you will appreciate the fact that you made it this far in life and are still here to live and tell about it and have kept your family together through tough times. Nobody can take that away from you; ever :)

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal - I had some cake that my grandson picked out with the help of his Nanna from the local grocery store. My only request was to spend more then $2. They also gave me a bottle of coke with Pop labeled on it. We sang the birthday song with the little guy sitting right in front of my cake as if it was his birthday and not mine. Every time they sang the word "...You!" in the song I rolled my eyes in gest and looked at my grandson throwing my hands up asking "... who's birthday is this? He had a cheeky smile, giggled then at the last second beat me to blowing out the candles. :) Some time after that we ordered Tia Food which was delivered to the house.

Some of my extended family rang, wished me well and had a little chat. It was good. They are looking forward to me coming to visit.

Last night I grabbed a pair of cheap binoculars that have been sitting around doing nothing and did some star gazing from my back yard. Something I was once heavily into. That too was good and this morning I woke up feeling a little better than the day before. I've been thinking on what hobby I can get back into to get me off my computer from time to time and offer something a little more therapeutic other than my online writings. My main challenge is finding something that is not going to be so taxing. As relaxing as I know stargazing to be, I also know from experience trips to dark sights can be tiering. Especially when struggling the days. However if I choose my gear right - the act can be like recharging if I don't get too carried away (as I generally do)

Lasts nights star hopping was quite enjoyable. I care less to name the constellations as doing so would create tension. To do that without issue I would have to get back into my star maps where I play a game of simply finding objects with a red light, atlas, binos and maybe ... MAYBE ... the new acquisition of an appropriate telescope. It how I used to do it when I have a large dobsonian that then I did not mind lugging around.

Forgive me as I do seem to be lingering on this idea and in that process creating a wall of text. I do hope you continue to find energy to write in yours as you have been doing.

Hmmmmmmmmmm - I'm definitely tempted to start star gazing again. Light pollution can be a pain but compared to some backyards I did OK with a small pair of binos from my latest backyard last night. The tripod and bino mount really helped although not that great for the neck. Getting an banana chair might help and would be great for winter outside during the day. I considered a solar scope as can be used during the day but for the same cost could get right into microscopy on a deep level. Then there is drawing and painting but I find that too messy for me. hmmmmm ... The binos last night where quite simple and easy.

OK - I think I have talked myself into at least toying with the idea a little more. I think I would blow myself up with model rockets and draw too much attention. Maybe it's time I get back into at least - Backyard Astronomy regardless of the challenger re light pollution. There is still enough to see that might actually inspire me to jump in my car and drive a few Ks which is really all I need given my location. Finding viewing locations with open spaces where one is not trespassing is problematic yet I think I could do it. Finding those kind of spots may also give rise to kite flying which I have put off long enough.

I best get on with me day. Time to go for a walk and do a few things in the garden. Touch Wood!

[Kirk]

Excellent pictures of Penny, Will and Robin and the Chariot. I hope this forum stays around.

[Ponder]

I'm glad you think so Kirk. Is hard to find the larger ones. Most of the good ones are like thumbnails. I too hope the forum stays around.


Day 1

Now I am most likely biting off more than I can chew, but I am going to make a conscious effort over the next 15 days to get off the coffee, tea, sugar, salt and pretty much all the packaged quick fix foods. I wish to be feeling better health ways before embarking on my upcoming trip. I am seriously suffering from being overweight and whilst there is much outside my control this is something many of us can alter but more often than not - don't.

So like I said - back to the days of my extremes - Day 1 ... Let the pain begin!

[Ponder]

Day 2 - My first step scored on all listed counts and with that recognition I figure today should be just as good. Long way to go but won't focus on that. It's enough to have emplaced a guide of sorts. Up at 4:30am but not quite with it until after walking a little in the wind and rain. I did not go far as my umbrella blew inside out before I got to the end of street. I retuned home as I figured that highly concentrated clean air was momentarily enough. Once home I made some lemon water, turned on my computer, loaded up some guiding tunes and logged in the AF forum.

Moving on:

Giving in takes more effort than Not. It sounds counter intuitive ... I know. It's an awareness thing. It takes a lot more trust whilst fighting is more about distrust.

Feeling quite lonely / Empty and have been for sometime now. That's OK - In some ways that's as much my incentive to get a hold of my health as it's a little easier to self sooth isolation when the body is more able. When I say it's OK I'm just reminding myself about the strength of acceptance which I thought was encapsulated quite well in a recent poem I found. I find fighting just makes one weary. That tact is not for me. It never has been. In fact, that is exactly why I have never like the mindset of marching on and all its associated language. There is nothing to give up if you don't aspire to chase that which you don't already have.

There are forces in the world that profit on making people feel they can't get through life on their own. Not saying that we should not draw strength from others, but I do think the push for having people feel vulnerable on their own leads to unhealthy codependences. However, I am saying that such systems of belief are designed to cut us off from innate abilities that we already have. These nurturing forces make up many branches of the same tree. The conditioning so many of us find ourselves under today is meant to disable whilst at that same time sell us a deceptively polished program of salvation and or empowerment; regardless of what branch you pick. Trust me ... as you get older or fast tracked on the path of wisdom (typically via some form of suffering and an inherent ability for enduring) you will come to understand this theme of which I speak.

The realization of this trip is as isolating as the program itself. More often than not, when waking up like so there is a new found language that is just as fallible ready to take you down the same plot. "... and a round and round she goes."

So it is that we can feel so empty when surrounded by so many. Being cut off from our own potential.
____________________________

For me I have been spinning between the realization and that new found language ready to drag me back down. This makes me think of that poem I recently posted. More so the 4th verse.

Life Happens


Life is what we make it.
It cares not what we do.


No matter how we fake it,
It always sees right through.


If you try and lead it,
It pushes from behind.


If you try and read it,
It soon will make you blind.


Just let it freely take you.
Enjoy life's carefree ride. ← Give in and don't resist.


And know it won't forsake you
If you walk right by its side. ← As you discover what's within. (Has always been)


Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/life-happens-3
_____________________

Yet so many forces in the world continue to preach, teach, indoctrinate & sell said words in order to make us blind; to make us fearful. Of course it's done in a way the sells acceptance and that being why it is we end up with so much distrust. That is to say that when the deception becomes evident and the justification of said systems are reasoned via rejection - how much more imbalance can the world have?

Then how is it that such a society can be worshiped, glorified and considered to be thriving? Well the deception is so effective that those who are not into religion do not see themselves worshiping yet they are just as deeply entrenched with glorifying. I've dived deep into the perception management and social conditioning many times before. Unfortanley I have never been able to do so in a way that is not conflicting. I feel I am getting a little better and given I somehow feel better for trying will no doubt keep attempting to feel my way along in such a way that allows me to find my abilities once more.

It's that spinning in the middle that has made me ill for sometime now. The poem above fails in some parts for me as I've never really known like to be carefree and nor do I sense it is meant to be. Snippets of such endearing words can be had, however the perception of those who come to see the theme of which I speak - would do better to read another line. Instead of 'Enjoy life's carefree ride.' (which sound more like an advert) perhaps 'Give in and don't resist.' would better suit.

Which brings me to one point that sits on my mind. Fighting and Not Giving In is everything to do with chasing what you don't have, whist Giving In and Not Resisting is everything about discovering what's within. One tact will have you bound to a level of conditioning that will always leave you feeling sorry, whilst the other leads to a sense of freedom that words can do no justice. The former always seeking to justify through rejection whilst the other has no need to reason but always accepting.

The best way to lead people when it comes to control is to have them disconnect from themselves. This is why the current stat of things work so well and why so many wish to fight. I myself struggle with resistance that comes through my frustration in the knowing of these things.

Giving in takes more effort than Not. It sounds counter intuitive ... I know. It's an awareness thing. It takes a lot more trust whilst fighting is more about distrust.
___________________

Here's to Day 3 ...

[Ponder]

Double post for the day seeing as I am feeling more active. I might even go for an evening walk.

My live in daughter has finally commenced psychotherapy; touch wood. It would be nice if she had an advocate the system would actually listen to. No longer do we live in a time where partners or parents are considered. Hard to imagine that there was such a time where family mattered. This therapist seems like he might be the one. He actually wants to talk to my wife and I. Lord forbid!

Momentum is slowly building - if you can't tell.

As you know I don't like the NEWS - however the following is not such a bad story:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTZDb_iKooI

[Ponder]

Day 3 - Holding the course.

[Ponder]

Will send PM Sal and leave a note here in the even anyone did want to know where I am at.

I really hope this time I can break the chain. Whilst I wish the best for the forum, I genuinely feel I am the one holding it back. I have seen every time I give the forum a break it picks up. Given the inactivity it's only natural that personalities clash. Especially when only one or two people are writing/talking. Given that and my strong resistance to main stream thinking - the level of challenging and all that ... Well whilst that might float my boat, I sense it's probably doing more harm than good re the purpose of this forum.

I leave a link like I have done before and I really hope that I don't feel the need to come back. I'd love to go on and make a post why that would be a good thing but in doing so I just fall back into the codependent thing I feel this place has become; for me. That is another side of it as well my conflicting personality. Those that check in can then start posting to where I beleive a couple more will then post.

I just sense it's the right thing to do.

Please do not reply with "when you come back" I really don't wish too. I regret feeling this way - and who knows maybe there is a sense of egotistical whatever in my words. For sure - we are all hypocrites. lol

It's cool. I'm only on Day 4 and my writings are going to go deep and all over the place re all the different way out takes on life. It's just time to make room for others and take my projections to a more appropriate place.

Truly - I really don't want to return. I am trying my best to say a final goodbye. Even though I chuckle as "yea sure ..."

There is no need for reply or to even suggest that I will return.

It would be far better if you would like to keep in touch to either use my email I PM you or Just visit my Blog. I do beleive there is a place to comment there as well. My next step will be to turn those off - yet for now I leave it open as whilst I am looking for isolation - connection with others is still important. This is more about making space and giving up a dependency of sorts.

Here is that Blog:
https://embracethevoices.blogspot.com/

Seriously - would prefer a response via - email or at the new blog. I'm now going to block this web address so I can't access. Others will see a response but I won't. Is just the way I need to beak the chain is all.

Take care. All the best. You know where I'll be at. :)

[IAmCamille]

STARSHIP LAUNCH TODAY - Touch Wood:

Could be in the next 30 minutes or the next couple of days:

Live Feed 1 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z72Au8Px7mM)

Live Feed 2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4-PwxnJimg)

Live Feed 3 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfHqbahPKpY)

Live Feed 4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ky5l9ZxsG9M)

Edit - Oh Well ... better luck next time. It took him 4 goes to get SpaceX off the ground. Here is to the third try! A+


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPsGWppHaTw


Just when you're finally home...