When All Else Fails - Befriending Self

[Ponder]

I never really went anywhere as I found nowhere to go; nowhere to run. I genuinely don't fit into this world on so many levels. So it is back to the drawing board to yet again create another one.

Yes the world has gone mad, but hey, that's really nothing new. I guess it's more a question re the extreme nature in which it's currently festering and how that is impacting us all. Although I have learned overtime pondering on too many questions is not such a good thing. Pros & Cons to be sure. I have not really recovered since the road rage incident involving one of us coming at me with a pickaxe. My previous PTSD has considerably been exacerbated which has adversely affected my so called miss fit traits. That said, whether I like it or not, I continue to breathe. Thankfully I am finding a few crevasses. Although few and far between, I feel it's but good enough or at least have to believe it will be.

I've put on a stack of weight, easily tire and overall quite unfit. I'm working on it. In this regard I am trying ever so hard to do my usual recovery strategies but at a much slower pace with barely any desire at all. That's why I have decided to come back and try again. I know the triggers. Don't we all? Yet we seem to be are own worse enemies - not all those others out our front door? The truth seeking is not doing it for me any more. I don't think those movements have made any break throughs and the recycled insights only seem to be making things worse. Hence to say I have only just popped in a few times on that front but quickly move on as disenchanted if not more. That said I still have no issue with what others choose to beleive. It just gets depressing when you see masses of people being so easily misled. I don't so readily dismiss the whatever claims, but the context and agendas of so many groups all seem predispositioned to those well designed algorithms that keep us all entrenched.

Not sure how the world can continue in its current state, but I'll go with the notion the even at the smallest level we can still create our own space - preferable one that offers an inkling of peace. I'm not hear to tell others how to do that but more wishing it so for myself. The world is a very lonely place right now and with that said I have always found refuge having the ability to talk to myself. More so in a way that seeks to be kind; despite all the mixed emotions and extreme confusion. At least for today that is what I will say. Ponders to think what wolf I will feed on what day and how much to each I will feed? hmmmm. Chuckles to think just how much less I should be eating myself. I admit I have slowly been eating myself to death.

Where to from here? What acknowledgments? My dreams have been quite disturbing. Many sleepless nights. I've attested to my extremely poor health. Been in a lot of pain - My recovery from surgery still an issue. Just not sure about the weird freaky uncomfortable dreams and extreme state of loneliness. Many stresses I care less to mention continue to build, however the more I work likewise ACT principles, the more manageable those stressed can be.

I sense it all comes down to the deep seeded loneliness I am feeling at this point; that being which has led me back here. But on the contrary also a sense of hope that does more than sit on it's own. I guess when all else fails one gets back up and befriends them-self. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/shaking-hands-smiley-emoticon.gif

[salvator here]

Welcome back, Ponder!

I'm sorry things have been so crappy for you. I do hope things improve. You always helped me when I was struggling and I never forgot it.

Like you, I feel much the same, I fit into this world like a square peg in a round hole. I have no friends and live a reclusive lifestyle these days. And you know what.. I think I prefer it that way atm.

Yes Indeed, the world has gone ape shit bonkers and it makes it so hard to be around other people. People are not the same since the pandemic, and what I see isn't good, and you're right, it is festering. How can we be expected to not be effected, we are sensitive people. It makes me sad, very sad to see society degrading this way and I only hope we can catch it before its not too late. I think it would be a great idea to create your own space and be true to yourself again. Find joy in the little thing, that is what I've been doing. Take care of your health and your fitness routines could help you get back on track. And trust me, I know those sleepless night all too well, myself. Make it hard to function and drudge through the day.

I agree, pondering over everything and over analyzing everything to death isn't healthy. I catch myself doing it still. Hard to stop that thinking pattern that only heads down the rabbit hole. Perhaps I think (misguidedly) I can figure out whats wrong if I overthink it enough, when in reality, maybe I just have to go with it and see what happens. Sometimes things are beyond our control.

I wanted to respond to your posting because you seem to need support and you reminded me that I should be my best friend rather than my worst enemy. I know you know what I mean.

But, I don't know if you'd prefer to have your thread private and would rather not have replies. If that is the case, please tell me (by either posting it or PM me) and I will delete this.

Regardless, I do wish you well, and no reply needed of course.

Sincerely,

~Sal

[Ponder]

Hi Sal. Nice to hear from you again. This thread is public and as such I have no issue with either you or anyone else popping in. How people connect, well that's a different kettle of fish. I think the social media algorithms surely don't help. If you have not already seen it, check out The Social Dilemma on Netflix:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaaC57tcci0

Perhaps you have already seen it?

_______________

Thanks for your reply. I'll take whatever support I can get. :)

I now plan all my outings around the times for when my support worker comes to visit. Even then, I mostly just ask them to hang and play chess or maybe talk to me while I overcome procrastination and take to my chores. Watching police brutality beatings on the news re lockdown protests have pretty much put me off society completely. Last I saw was a police officer jumping on some guys head after he was already grounded by another 4 police. He ended up in a coma and not sure what happened next. I think some of you have already noted Australia's hard line response with door knocking and the like. Victorian police are well known for this kind of thing. A few reports have come out claiming that Victoria is soon to become a police state. However I care less for all the drama and just go by what I see. It does not look good. So I now try looking some place else. I am lucky to be living in Queensland which seems to be way less affected at this point. Touch Wood.

I only mention it as I am sure it's negatively impacting not only myself. People caught in the boots of cars trying to cross state borders and so on. Those caught end up with hefty fines and then forced into a hotel for 14 days with another $5000 bill on top of the fines. Some try to commit suicide in the hotel just to get a break for the trip to hospital. People staring at each other in a panic if someone is not seen to be complaint as if everyone is carrying and spreading the so labeled Covid19. I no longer care to either validate it or not. It's more the usual case of how the issue is being dealt with rather than the reported/distorted issue itself. Each to their own view of course.

Anyways ...

Sorry to drag that up. What else has been happening?

[Ponder]

Righto. In your own time Sal. I'm just going to continue as I normally do. You or anyone else is welcome to chime in at anytime. Enough acknowledging what does not work and onto what does.

Today I hit my treadmill and prepare for when the phycologist does his home visit. Best to make the most of the supports I already have. It was a good decision to swap out the electric scooter for the treadmill. At least for me it was. Upcoming highlights include more eBay sales and onto the acquisition of some cordless electric garden equipment so I can get back into looking after my own lawn. The guys that come to do it do a great job and all, but the huge ride on they use for my little patch is imo ridiculously over the top and extremely loud. I could also use the sunshine I was once getting before I took up that support. Not sure how that conversation is going to go but it's one I aiming to have with the yard maintenance guys soon enough.

The researching on purchases I find a good distraction with all things considered. I don't intend to go on about it like I used to but can say that for as unhealthy as I have become ... that I am in less pain physically than I was a week ago. It's been a huge battle but I think I nailed it this week. Best keep that brief. Moving on.

I plan to visit my mum once the boarders open up, however I don't think that is going to be any time soon. I can cross the boarder from my end without issue but then can't get back in to return home without a $5000 enforced isolation in whatever appointed facility. I won't be doing that so going to just have to wait.

I have found a new pc game that I enjoy very much with my long time gaming friend. We have our own server. That's been a welcome distraction.

Family court is still looking uncertain as usual, but I think we have a good footing in that regard with all things considered. We have escalated things by having withheld our grandson due to a very large build up of evidence of continued abuse whilst in the father's care. So much evidence on several fronts all supporting the little guys case. Looks like I am going to need a much larger suit than I was counting on. The case cannot end quick enough, but I'm in no rush to loose weight.

OK - enough procrastination. Time for me to give this chair a break. I'll be spending enough hours in it later on.

Adios. - reply if you wish. Is good to hear from others. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/everyday/working-on-a-computer-smiley-emoticon.gif

[salvator here]

I think the social media algorithms surely don't help. If you have not already seen it, check out The Social Dilemma on Netflix:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaaC57tcci0

Perhaps you have already seen it?Hi Ponder..

Yes, Indeed, I have in fact watched that documentary and I LOVED it!! I find anything fascinating concerning internet tracking and social media and how our personal information is being harvested and gathered (and sold). I'm not overly paranoid anymore because I've nothing to hide, really. I only use g~o~o~g~l~e for looking up computer issues and other things that don't pertain to me personally. Usually general things, otherwise I use duck duck go as my go to for anything personal. I don't use social media at all because it triggers me more than it benefits me. I don't like it personally, that's just me though and my personal opinion. I realize its important for some to stay in touch with family.

Take good care :)

[Ponder]

As anyone knows I have plastered enough photos and videos of myself for others to know I care less about such privacy concerns. I beleive the point being made in the documentary is not so much about how the information is collected by how it's primarily used to control and influence the masses. The intention of the documentary is to expose the deception and deceit used to bait online (TV) users and in that light; it reveals well how easily led we have all become. Privacy Concerns are peddled like TV News peddles fear in order to ready the sheep for the next level of perception management. Often this is followed up with adverts with like wise agendas, the next news report, tomorrows political announcement, news papers and stock market trends. Like a hypnotist preparing his client to fall in a deeper sleep where the subconscious is then much more pliable.

Come to think of it ... I think I will bite and sub for YouTube Premium. I like my YouTube, BUT the adds have become INSANE. As for my phone, I've trained myself to uninstall and say NO to everything it asks of me. I've also been leaving it at home a lot more than usual. It's amazing how upset others get when they can't get a hold of me immediately. Sign of the times I guess. I also do not have message bank as that has become a common excuse for so many.

I admit though I do use discord for gaming ... but that is all I use of for. Forums ... well that's actually another facet in itself. I guess there are pros and cons to everything. Knowing how deception management works really helps though. That makes it at least bearable in order to get the pros out of things like google and YouTube. Speaking of which I think I will go and finally sign up to premium now.

Yea ... taking care :) U2 Sal

[salvator here]

Yes the political announcements are wearing me out too. I just don't have the funds to pay for youtube premium unfortunately. Oh well.. ho-hum.. I deal with it ;)

That's great to hear you've been uninstall what you don't need, and things and apps (and such) that only distract you from real life and your overall well-being. Can you believe I don't even have a smart phone?! Yes you read that right. I feel as it would only be another distraction to pull me away from getting my life together and on track. I'm still not there yet though, and I'm avoiding important things. Avoiding things I guess for self preservation. I don't know how to put it today so for that I apologize.

Right now, forums are good enough for me.

Hope you have a good one :)

[Ponder]

Whatever works Sal. I hope this finds you well.


Have been into the new Microsoft Flight Sim of Late. Speaking about Late. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

I'll share this one with the folks here. This is me flying over the Gold Coast in Australia. These flight sims just keep getting better. : )


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_VTb654380

[IAmCamille]

Nice flight! A lot of people would love to do what you do, including me. �� Things are pretty much crazy everywhere, and people are adjusting to the new normal. It's nice to be up there alone if you get the chance, happy alone time.

[Ponder]

Wishing you all the best. I find talking to myself helps:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KR1f300dYTY&t=435s

[Ponder]

Good Evening. Back into the buying and selling again. My 32:9 monitor arrived and I could not be more pleased. It worth the risk seeing as I already had a decent 21:9 backup. Basically swapping out my ultrawide PC display for a super ultrawide display. I removed my other videos as the recordings were imo too choppy. I hope this one is a little better. I recording in the average 16:9 ratio for my daughter tonight as I flew over England. I was astounded to be getting more than 100 frames per second on Microsoft flight simulator. That's kind of a big deal. Seams my hardware selection over time is paying off. That said I'm not playing into the 4K range yet and care less to be as I really thing it's overhyped and the trade of on performance vs big dollars simply is not worth it. I would rather play ultrawide in 1080p.

Not to worry ... this recording was not about hardware but simply about finding my way from Manchester and a few places in-between my daughters workplace and where she is currently living in the UK. I have plenty more trips to do there. I absolutely love the terrain and learning more about the place as I go along. I always wished my parents had never moved to Australia. To be fair it would no doubt be the other way around I am sure had I been born in the UK.

Yadda Yadda ... here is a pic of my latest setup ... in my bedroom now:
https://i.ibb.co/yF7N9CY/New-Setup.jpg

What else? Life goes on of course. I really can't wait till this damn family court case is all over and done with. We all do. We have full house now with our little one's mum seemingly going to stay with us. The little one is not so little anymore and quite a handful. Special needs can sure be tiering, but all the more reason we are fighting to keep him with the only family he has ever known. Other than the main compulsory things society expects others wise marginalizes and penalizes for, we pretty much all just stick to the house. Actually not so with our grandson. He gets a lot of sessions doing a lot of things he likes to do. Just saying when we are not focusing soley on him, the rest of the world out our front door is and has before covid been a non particapary event soley of our own choice. I see nothing productive going beyond that except to say why I invest so much into the digital world.

In a bit of pain tonight. I think I will go take a pill. BRB

Not sure what I did to my wrist. Feels broken. LOL. Yea we go. hahahaaa. WTF-ever. Best make a post and put that one up in the hypochondriac sub section. Combination of getting used to the new electric trimmer that is not that ergonomic (will work something out for it) + the new desk height threw me out as well. Just had on aging spot iced. I guess as long as there is always still something falling off, that means I am still alive. Not that I am counting my breaths. Chuckles. Sigh. Life is grand. At least my should is starting to finally heal. I am slowly packing things for our intention to move. Need more space. Doing so in the midst of a rental crisis but that's ok.

Well ... this pill is starting to take effect. Might go lay down and let this video upload.

Hope this finds others well.

[Ponder]

Uploaded: Microsoft Flight Simulator 100+FPS


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCeC7dg7h54&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

Still moving towards building a semi cockpit project. Right now I am testing with smaller monitors on another flight sim separate to Microsoft Flight Simulator. It's not as graphical but it does support Multiple monitors. Happy with the results I am currently auctioning my previous ultrawide monitor:

https://i.ibb.co/c3xttmp/Sell.jpg

The funds from that sale (and a couple of others) are going toward two curved 27 inch monitors that will fit snuggling along side the ultrawide pictured below. THEN I will be happy. ... Laughs hysterically. Sigh. You get the drift: Below are two smaller monitors on the side I was just testing with. Turns out X-plane11 does the job pretty well.

https://i.ibb.co/Z2w3qgm/Test-3.jpg

So it is that I have been pretty focused working out the software and hardware with the whole flight sim hobby. It's relly helped to keep me distracted in a somewhat positive way to an otherwise clinical depressive state.

I hope you guys don't mind me sharing my hobby like so? I am not meaning to boast or show my 'things' off. There are plenty of simmers out there with fully fledged cockpits worth tens of thousands more than what I have got. It's taken me near 2 years to build up into this setup with buying and selling. I like to take advantage of our good eBay account.

Anyways ... that is the flight sim story thus far. Who knows when I will burn out. The thing I like about my computer hobbies is that it rates as one of the best when it comes to putting on the shelf and them coming back.

What else?
_______________________________________________

Warning - Ramble involving Suicide Pain and Suffering!

Well the guy that held a knife to his throat and told my daughter he was going to kill himself ... (just before my support worker and I helped her move out) ... Hung himself just the night before last. I had to explain to my daughter that whilst it's ok to feel sad, that she should not blame herself and that's exactly why she needed to moved out. She felt compelled to go check out the details. I tried to explain that it was best to stay out of it as drama will ensue and old ties would seek to cling and attach as well as our addictions to self pitty become just another entrapment. I was able to talk explain about a guy that I took to court who wound up actually laying himself down on a tarp in his small garden tin shed we it was told to me he used a boning knife to slice open his throat. He too died. Both these guys were facing Jail time. Here's the thing:

I've been close to taking my own life ... so too my daughter. Many of us can relate to the pain that drives us to such despair. I've done my time in Jail as well. Thankfully my daughter has not yet had to endure such a trip ... however my oldest boy has ridden the residual effect of what Eckhart Tolle calls the pain body and done a stretch. Systemic issues don't just arise from one dysfunctional family - it can spread like wild fire, yet we are taught to localize such undesirables. Sigh. I actually feel for the guy that made me crap my pants most recently when he came at me with a pick axe, the guy I took to court who slit his throat and now this one that was abusing my daughter who just hung himself.

Takes a deep breath. You know ... Yesterday I terminated a meet and greet because I felt that the healer I was interviewing/meeting just did not get it when I told her that my life is filled with pain and suffering and that I actually had no problem with it. That that part of my life did not need fixing. She asked me to give her some background so she could get a picture of me. After doing my best to explain the former she came up with "Living in the past ..." I stopped her as soon as she came out with that as to ask why she even mentioned such a thing? "Who is living in the past?" I asked immediately. I am only drawing from the past on your request. From there this healer came out with all the hall marks of enlightened work shop teachings you can get for nothing online.

No more holistic healing for me. Too much quackey. From now on I am just sticking with clinical massages without all the aroma therapy, crystals, and god knows what else paraphernalia. I chuckle to think that when I finished with the list of dead people who in my book understandably knocked themselves off from a world of shit, (still do all the time) and then ventured into my own past abuse, sins, labels and then talked about watching my autistic grandson having to suffer the judgements of this world + watching my wife slowly succumbing to a debilitating illness with each passing year ... more so under the weight of a corrupt family court system (dragging on for several years) bent on it's own authority more than it's intended purpose for human rights ... bla bla and bla.

That my friends is just life for some of us. We all have our stories. I don't see life easy up any time soon. That's just the back story and in my wife's and I opinion from out perspective we have come to accept this world as nothing more than utterly cruel. My computer devices, screens, car and possessions mean nothing to us when we think in terms of doing all we can to protect our family and other close friends from this shitty world. We still try and smile, joke and laugh off the insanity and pain ... the one thing we don't do is tell ourselves that we manifested all that BS. And we never ever tell anyone who tells their sad fucking tale that they brought all that shit on themselves.

Be very, VERY wary of people that do.

Not sure I made any sense. I know I am fucked up too. I forget more and more words when speaking with each passing day.

THE GOOD NEWS - My wife is feeling better about our position re the court case. We have worked so hard filling and recording everything that no matter how complex this evil system makes things we have all the boxes check. No one was able to adequately counter our withholding grandson. All the supports, therapists and various other professionals have reports that back our claims. Long story short ... it's good to see my wife feeling a little more relaxed on that front. Whilst I see her slowly giving in under the weight of unnecessary complex road blocks - I do see how she draws strength from the simple process of being there for our grandson. She still does her work at the courthouse which also seems to give her purpose and space away from other tasks. Moving house, dealing with our daughters needs on top of the little fella is all tiering to be sure, yet there is also a momentum that keeps her going with such things. The one thing we need to be gone is this damn family court case.

I hate to think of all the pain and suffering that has been deal to us with regards to pondering the uncertainty of it all, yet we have has some pretty good wins in our story as well. I do fear for my wife if at the final hearing they rule in the fathers favor. For those that know the story of our grandson, his affliction and the abuse at the hands of his father ... it would be the greatest injustice of all ... yet that is how authority rules in our world. It's not about right and wrong .. it's about bowing down and doing as one is told Those who dare to speak out or buck the system are severely punished and in that process the innocent are life long damaged all for the sake of ruling egos. I also fear how I will react when this fucked up world wishes to brow beat and give me an attitude test. Pffft ... Just going to have to bend over in that process and take it up the ass as usual. hahaaaa LOL. What the fuck ever. Let's have a little healing session on that shall we.

Righto ... Better out than it!!!

Have a fabulous day peoples!

[salvator here]

We still try and smile, joke and laugh off the insanity and pain ... the one thing we don't do is tell ourselves that we manifested all that BS. And we never ever tell anyone who tells their sad fucking tale that they brought all that shit on themselves.

Be very, VERY wary of people that do.

Not sure I made any sense. I know I am fucked up too. I forget more and more words when speaking with each passing day.!Sorry, Ponder, to only quote this part, but it reached out and grabbed me. Let me first say.. I'm glad you are able to recognize the bright spots, and the good things you are experiencing. Given what you're dealing with, that is an accomplishment!

To be perfectly honest with you.. Suicide crosses my mind daily, and I struggle to sort of push it away (sorry, see I don't make much sense either), sort of let it pass, I guess; and it usually does. Some days when I look at the big picture I get overwhelmed and wonder how I can possibly get through this. Some days are worse that others, though. I think I allow the negativity to rule over the progress I've made, sometimes I let it get me. While it may seem I am chipper because I joke and post upbeat messages - I'm doing just what you said - trying to smile, joke and laugh off the insanity and pain!

Again, I'm sorry, struggling to find the right words, and I''m certain I'm failing you here with this, but I feel what you're saying and I mean well.

I also don't care much for people that say we bring on our own misery. Fuck that! Nobody would chose to be sad and depressed, and hopeless!!

"Let's have a little healing session on that shall we."

I agree and think there is healing when viewing others pain and suffering, as we learn to reflect on our own worries and anguish, and sometimes, it bring comfort to know, at least, we're not alone here - we still have one-another even though we're miles and oceans away in different countries, I feel as though some people here are extended family. Maybe we can get through this together.

I'm glad you're back posting, as I think you do need a place to unload and vent, or whatever.

Wishing you all the best - Everyone here the best.

Yours Truly..

~Sal

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal. It means so much to be acknowledged and you expressed that very well. I'm so glad we can still catch up from time to time. Your words come at just the right time for me. I know you and others can't be there all the time, but your right though, having some kind of space is very important, just as is having some kind of connection.

Thank You.

[salvator here]

You're very welcome :)

[Ponder]

Nothing much to report. Still consumed with learning how to fly. Learning every aspect I can from upping the realism of starting a plane from a cold state, taxing off the runway and planning my flights. Autopilot is taking me quite some time as too basic navigation to be honest. I'll get there soon enough. In the mean time I figured the best way to give myself a break from the Flightsim was to naturally get some good grounding with a Truck Sim. lol. The money I got from my previous monitor ended up going on the Steering Wheel and pedal setup. Nothing over the top .. just entry level stuff which looks a little like this:

https://i.ibb.co/KbyWGk1/T150-wheel-setup.jpg
I ran out of money on this purchase so going to have to wait on getting the matching shifter which looks pretty good. That said, I am only desiring to go Automatic Transmission in the newer European Trucks. I just want to relax and since swapping out my damaged manual car for a newer Auto - I am enjoying a much more relaxing experience when having to drive. I'm done using the keyboard with sims since starting to use Sim Gear. At any rate ... Life has been just fine losing myself in the new super ultra wide. Far better to drive on roads where others don't exist ... chuckles at the thought. Still waiting for wheel to arrive and yet to install. I bought up some must have DLC with a few good maps so ready to go when it all arrives.

What else is happening.

I have to admit it's hard getting to bed on time of late with all this researching I have been doing. If it's not buying and selling to enable this new found hobby, it's all the learning. It need not be a bad thing ... just need to come up for fresh air from time to time.

My support worker now comes 4 days a week. Another acquaintance that I really did not know came off life support after being king hit in the back of the head. He was only 33 and quite a harmless guy. This world is really getting hard to endure. At any rate I am thankful for my supports and do what I can for my wife, daughter and grandson. I am cleaning pretty much all the time when I an not on my computer. I had to let the cleaning support we had go as they were to inconsistent which was really getting in the way of what I was doing in between which was getting things ready for them. Picking up off the floor, rinsing dishes, loading the washing machine, stacking dishes and so on. It's such a let down when they don't come and kills my desire when that happens kind of thing. When the support is constant it is good. How it works is you become inclusive gaining motivation with such supports. Before I got help my room used to look like this:

https://i.ibb.co/k9Sy5Mz/messy-life.jpg

That's not mine ... but you get the point. This is what it's like when life really becomes a struggle and you become non functional. Of course it's different for different folk. Since I got help I have been getting in a good routine with cleaning making sure things are set to go with the cleaner comes ... but when they don't start turning up and take days off without any notice and it starts to happen more and more regular, that kind of support makes things worse. So I am back to doing what I can. My wife finds it so hard after doing all that she does re appointments for not just herself but the little one too. She like me is on disability for her own legit illness and in the process on getting on the same scheme as me. Then there is my daughter who literally lives in here room day and night ... I also now find myself picking up after her. Is good that she is back with us though. I would not want it any other way. The little guy ... LOL ... he just throws anything to the floor that he is either finished with or does not like. Yea yea ... whatever. You have to be in my life to understand and when it comes to autism you do not have the luxury of telling others how it is done. Those kinds of people need their own heads read.

Yadda Yadda ... I thought I had nothing to write about. Turns out I do. I best go finish the kitchen shortly. I am struggling with my weight big time and also reflux but whatever. I will work it out. Getting out with my support worker after he too helps me clean has been a huge help. He understands me well. I am lucky he is still able to work with me.

What else???

I want to improve ... suffer less. That is true ... not thrive or bounce up and down selling some new wave motivational speech. Those days are seemingly winding down very quick. I Just want to get enough sunlight and find the passion to bounce on my mini tramp I once wrote so passionately about. If I can mange just that ... that would no doubt improve the quality of my escape time in my sims as to also make cleaning and helping others less of a chore.

That's about it ... my wife and grandson just came in. I go see if they picked up my wheel from the post office.

Oh yea ... I can't wait till my grass grows. I absolutely love the electric garden care gear. Things are better since I started going back to doing that myself. The guys still come, but like I say ... all these supports work so much better when I include myself.

Adios

until next post.

PS - Hope this finds you well.

[Ponder]

The fact that I don't have the passion to write as I once did worries me a little. Even if it was macabre at least I was driven. I guess I am all burnt out and even if I could muster a question, It would be full of more doubt than an inkling of inspiration. From where this source of despair comes I can write fairly accurate on, however have come to see that most likewise writers typically become pegged more the issue by their contemporaries. Is akin to the stereotyping that seeks to alienate anyone, group or concept that highlights truth that all to often thrives on contention. Therefore nothing good will come from the tact. Even the morbid poems of old don't do it for me anymore. Cuckles at that thought.

I just need more sleep. Although for some that can be too much. Yawns. ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I think I do some trucking first.

Create some new rituals. Mix things up a little. Sounds like a plan.

[Ponder]

Well it's another day full of pain but I know there are better choices I can make. Rather than embed a shallow image of outstretch arms silhouetted by the rising sun; instead I will write about some of those better choices already made.

I set upon the challenge of cleaning the computer workshop that was wedged into the corner of a small living space. Not long ago I moved my computer setup into my room as pictured somewhere above. That has proved to be a bad idea for obvious reasons. Other than impact on sleep, my room is far to small for the setup I have. I could shrink my needs to this here laptop on the tiny table outside where I now sit, however that would shrink my digital world and that will not do.

Alas, today I should start moving my PC setup back out into the main we it should always be. Until we get a larger house it will do. Today I shall keep working on that. The charity computer venture will still do will go on hold until will move. That was the workshop I was referring too. Another good thing that has come from all that was cleaning out my shed.

Oh yea - swapping out my petrol lawn maintenance gear was also a great decision I recently made. No more breathing in petrol fumes so often attributed to unregulated garden gear. Much lighter to push and carry as well. Still waiting for the grass to grow as I enjoy cutting it so much more. It's way more quieter and I can do it later or earlier in the day without annoying others as much as they do each other. Even the blower is quiet with a low setting more than adequate that sounds more like an indoor vac. That said, the model I chose could if need be piss the neighbors off as well. Thankfully for all, that is not an option as that creates more dust than it seeks to blow.
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I think that is enough ... Maybe the next time I write I can continue to write about good choices already made. For now I skip on wishful typing. Voicing out what is that I want. To be sure it has it's place - but in terms of where I have been and the fact that I have been unable to move for so long, well it just makes more sense to focus on the good already been done.

I've got an idea for today. I know I am in a lot of pain given all the bad choices I have made - that is enough to say.

Until tomorrow … I move on with today. Moving be the key word for me.

[Ponder]

Tough day - but made it through with the hard core choices. Was able to say no when it counted.

[Ponder]

I should probably of mentioned that when saying no when it counts, that it's more an issue with myself than it is with others. Not to say that others are not part and parcel to the problem when dealing with one's addictions, pain and suffer. Just figured I should keep things in perspective as I see more and more disenchanted peoples offloading responsibility. Of course I am also victim to this trap. 'Oh how coincidental.' Very well written articles abound on the internet but always blaming someone defending an opposing group or concept that sells very well. Victim mentality grips as all and is in many ways as it's always been. A well designed algorithm long before Google's time.

Currently I am trying to curb my tone with regards to the whitewashed perception on tinfoil hat topics as too; giving careful consideration to the con's of such or any group mentality. I've never proposed to identify as one or the other, although been entrapped none the less. That's the major hook for today's algorithm offering a wide scope of identities for people who've been conveniently lead astray. Having come up for air, the general consensus no matter what rabbit hole one has been in is all the same. We are all trapped and slaves; even the self professed happy ones.

I no longer have an interest of going back down any of those holes. At least not anytime soon. I'm once more starting to discover more entertaining stories on Netflix. That said, it takes a long time to discover any thing of worth among all the regurgitated drama. To be fair it's not just the truth seekers getting washed away in their own creation, but also the hum drum to that in which many cases they highlight so well. More meaning it does not really get any better when your not in or out of the rabbit hole. Every aspect of life today whether it be under a some rock or standing tall is full of the same fallibility.

What to do? It really is insane once you start to fathom how all sides of the box peddle the same concepts whilst dismissing and demeaning the other. It's no longer a rabbit hole in which one once thought they were safe or some illusionary personification of success as conditioned by the 21st century 'real world!' Yea I know ... sometimes I wonder what I even mean. Yet something in that still rings well for me.

We all deal with this BS in our own way. REAL WORLD - a term often used by many this day and age or typed out on our keyboard as 'REAL LIFE - RL -' ... deeply rooted from the confines of an algorithm. That bares thinking about. At least if your looking for peace of mind or to burrow a buzz phrase from those entrenched in today's matrix philosophy; looking to 'escape the prison.'

Well - best I can now see it is that none of today's fear campaigning concepts offer any real help. Whilst they may offer realization and a path to the process of waking up (yet another nightmare) most facets leaching and regurgitating feeding on and off the same stories which at this stage have offered me little when it comes to solutions. Not that anyone else (other than self) is ever able to give the answers for another. I guess the conflict comes with those that profess they do. They say they do but in the most vaguest of ways. Is done like todays 10 hour long roller coaster movies split across a number of several episodes with a 12 months break in-between. Today's drug induced online TV. The algorithm at its best. But lets not keep blaming something else?

We are all authors of course.

If perception management is where it's at and more to the point an outside source controlling the algorithm, then perhaps it's best we learn how to create our own programs by choosing carefully our mindset as we enter into whatever worlds. We all grow old and inevitably lose control to some degree. How hard we cling seems to lead to just how much we are controlled.

Today is OK to be insane. No need to cling. Now with my approach less bound on the BS precept of some unknown source -

What world will I enter into today?

It will be digital of course. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/smile/sheepish-smile-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

Please forgive the passionate ending of the title. I will make up for it in the ending. Whilst fitting, I do try to avoid negative emotions as I am not the best at regulating such during times of unease. Nevertheless, the world is currently and unfortunately always been full of it. I guess the main difference between now and then would be the prolific nature of it and the speed at which it travels. Today's BS has become a fine art. The way in which it sinks in and muddles the brain can be like water to a sponge. Except where water finds it way on through, we are instead clogged up and overloaded with information and 24/7 directives which none of adds up as it taught. Before we get out of school to any point in our lives, all that we have been told has left us with nothing but conflict.

https://i.ibb.co/ftvGxKD/confusion.jpg
When I say we, I am just talking about those that feel or gel the same way, or perhaps addressing that some other or thing that resides within; another part of me that at times helps. I am not meaning to talk in absolutes or write on a topic to influence others to think as I do. That just plays into the wide array of BS littering this world. I am genuinely attempting to use this space in a effort to sift thought the bullshit that plagues me head. Trying to take a few long needed steps to once again find my way to some kind of exit from the confusion that currently reigns.

Knowing how to find my way is not as hard as the doing, yet the doing should never be as hard as I try. This falibility can be thought of as none other than that torn expression millions of us use to make a point when not knowing what we feel we must. Think of all those frustrated expressions on YouTube thumbnail's in order to get your attention. Imagine living your life like that from second to second. Lately that is how I have been living. There are different states to it.

Anger: Thankfully this one short live with me. It happens to the best of us. I have faced enough consequences on both sides of the fence with regards to this facet. Yet rages can still reside deep within and left unresolved are quite painful without the ability to address. When jealousy, hate, greed and like wise toxicity rises from no where for no reason like when one sleeps or perhaps when in a state of boredom and frustration; is the rages I mean. You don't act on them or if you do it's more seen as mild discontent. Yet the pain left uncheck then turns into a deep depression:

Depression: I think I have made some kind of breakthrough and perhaps even a point. I could only add that with depression ... that is often well hidden. The cycle of mental illness baffled in the face of irony which highlights the fact that we live in a society that's dysfunctional in itself. Just as deception has become an art, so too it is with acceptance. Yet another piece of the puzzle that dysfunction seeks to kept from our grasp ensures that we are kept in a state of confusion. Deception and the array of BS see to it that acceptance is also misunderstood.

Until next post, thanks for listening.



----https://i.ibb.co/k3JRqZW/Acceptance-word-on-a-3d-blue-puzzle-piece-and-a-hole-with-the-word-Peace-to-illustrate-the-inner-sat.jpg----

[Ponder]

Nevertheless, life goes on. Several days in now on another bout to get back on the horse with regard to less toxic choices. When it comes to food and basic needs it really is like living in drug store with all kinds of combinations. Albeit well disguised behind a myriad of comfort options that instantly please. Well designed at that too. Not as much as an issue for those just starting out with only a few decades under their belt. That said, if only I could do it all over again. I would definitely make healthier choice knowing what I know now. Not to worry, what's passed has passed yet what is to come still offers a choice. Never too late to make changes. Even when constantly making mistakes.

The whole 'in the now' thing is not as easy as the cliche. The choices we made yesterday undoubtedly affect the today and what we do this day will just as surely affect the next. But not to overcomplicate it I only need think of how my skin breaks out the day after if when my body is in conflict with my addictions. Helps to break it down chemically on a natural scale before going synthetic. I guess I am delving back into the biological process approach when thinking in terms of emotional control. Just how it is that my make up with churning those thoughts takes its toll on my body. Not just the food - yet it can play it's part in how it is that I think.

So without going into the whole food diary thing like I did in the past - I'm getting a hold this time round by in doing my best to control my thoughts. For me, my traits in conflict with today's world makes that hard. Replace traits with being I think would see me more normal as a human being regardless of my inability to fit a neurotypical box. I sense this is the case for any human in their natural state before being subject to a world as is today. In other words you don't have to warrant some kind of label in order not to fit. The labels are only a prerequisite to vital resources and have nothing to do with who we really be. Sadly many of us are quickly consumed with the need for this or that identity. Always striving to meet required standards in order to feel complete.

Yadda Yadda to be sure. Works for me.

I think I will go out this morning with my support worker and purchase an outfit to play this game. Give myself a new skin. One that fits this new frame. Again ... is what it all is and is as I see. My body skins is feeling better this week for the choices made on the previous days. Yet I still feel tired with the world's current algorithm. So much negative energy out there despiste my own attempts to lift my game. BUT - I will not care for those who wish to drag others down. Not all of them mean to of course but that said, there is still a lot of mean people out there to avoid. In biological terms these be RL toxic trolls I would do well to ignore - Just I as aim to do in my digital world. Reddit, Facebook, or any social platform now ever present in coffee shops across the world. People taking their avatars and profiles with them. Not to mention all the associated BS as well. Chuckles ... srry.

Sigh. I go get ready and think about what I skin I will purchase and what I shall bring to the table.

Time to go play a game in RL.

I must save enough for the digital world as I believe the halloween Steam Sale is on.

Don't mind my discourse if your like a hipster or thrive on such external things. This is just my take. I don't mind a new skin every now and then - I just don't require as many avatars as I do jocks. I think today I will smile plenty playing this BS game with so many pretenders sitting pretty sipping their coffee whilst I am feeling more confident the longer I stay this healthier course. I sense my support worker also enjoys this facet when I reach such a stage as when I put on all the trinkets and step up to the pate ... I pretty much don't change. The disapproval can be quite amusing, but less an issue with you no long give a &^%$. It actually fells quite liberating ... yet I have to be honest and say it's not something I strive to do or keep up. It can get old quick when your not really into the BS - it's just fund to do everyone once and while. More like amusing.

OK ... now time to edit. I do that later if I have time. I know my writings are full of broken sentences and misspelled words or wrong chosen ones and all that. For the most part I do my best with that after I hit post ... but whatever. Is good to be writing again. Is just my own shit. I know I am full of it. It's a BS world ... that's my point. But knowing the rules of the game kind of helps. Then if you have enough energy and sanity left ... you fit in as best you can with the intent to play your own way. That is all. Everyone today has an identity crisis. That is to be sure. Reminding oneself of that is a good way to know that it's not just about the 'I' ... There are more people more bent outta shape than just the self. Is good to know when feeling so low. Helps me get back up - but whilst I gest in here like so ... I mean not to rock other peoples boat. I just can't help but be amused. Being amused is way better than feeling like a time bomb. Best I can say. For now it will have to do.

Adios .. until next post.

[Ponder]

Trust me ... out of what's on offer re Netflix of late, this one is a good watch:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3s0LTDhqe5A

[Ponder]

-A couple of days since my last post. It's the start of a new week for me. I managed to reach my unlisted goals. It was pretty damn hard getting to this point but easier than my other last few attempts. It's been like ages since I've had a win. Touch wood for more healthy choices this week. Now with that said, the world still looks fairly toxic from my point of view. However, I am chuffed that for the moment at lest ... I have managed to clean up my neck of the woods.
http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/environment/earth-smiley-emoticon-animation.gif

One of the hardest parts of moving forward for me is watching my daughter struggle with her own deep depression. Currently living with us but more so all day and night in her bedroom. I know just how hard it must be this day and age for younger folk, but all our attempts to encourage are met with negative responses. We wish very much for her to take on the role of mother for her son. I understand well how our own bad choices stare us back in the face. What to do?

The constant suicide proclamations now losing their impact as both my wife and I have come to accept that aspect is really out of our control and that we should not allow ourselves to be overcome with despair each and every time our daughter repeats the threats. That in itself is it's own form of abuse that we have had to quell. I have explained personally to her that I would be deeply saddened if indeed my daughter did kill herself. However, I also explained that she is not the only one that has felt that way, that in fact there are a number in our family who have already successfully taken their own life. She knows well of my brothers death and although debated with me that passive suicide is not the same, I gently made my point that if you will something hard enough, that it will come.

For my brother it was a cocktail of drugs. Others in my extended family I do not know well, but it was a similar story of someone on my fathers side in the UK about two generations ago. I tread carefully as I further explained about the long list of friends I have come to know who were also successful in their attempts to end their lives. I was trying to make the point being we are already as good as dead from the point we decide to give up living.

In keeping with this revelation I was also trying to express how the constant suicide threats were impacting on others. Particularly with those who also did not really like being in this world. I was also worried about the rift it may be placing between my wife and my daughter as well.

Yadda Yadda - At other times I have to be more assertive whilst offering support ... "please make some better choices so you at least don't continue to increase your suffering with unnecessary pain. Ultimately the decision is yours but please do understand that other's can't be held responsible for the final choice you make. In no way is that to dismiss your reasoning for where you at with yourself now, but just know no matter what happens in our lives, that we still have choices that only we can make without the influence of anyone else. Taking your own life is one of them."

Of course I am often told to "piss off!" or something to that affect when I attempt to respond like so to the threats. I still persist though when I see a crack in the door aim more to the side of being gentle. I take all threats of suicide seriously but do my best to avoid the drama often intended. Even with my own thoughts I do the same. Which is why I am writing as I do. I am glad I can once again writing.

I love my daughter with all my heart like I do all my kids no matter how old, successful, dysfunctional or whatever. I'm coming to learn that not all of us see or feel as the other does and that reaching out and making connections is not always going to happen. This fact makes the yearning more painful. (Try not to yearn) So it is in this case very painful to watch my daughter feeling as she does. My eldest boy has much pain as well and whilst to my knowledge is not currently this time around suffering with suicidal ideations, I do know he holds a lot of resentment towards both my wife and I. Of course none of this is nothing new for many Mums and Dads. Let's not also discount our world being what it is and what it's been. However it's good to nut these things out rather than let the continue to take root. (Yet again thinks about Eckhart's theme on the World's Residual Pain and how that spreads) All these things chip away at our very soul and left unchecked disable in ways that no clinical or atypical treatment can ever address. In most cases our quick fixes just null the reality in a way that we know is shallow and short lived. This is why we keep upping that dose or changing the stream. I won't bang the drum on that because It is good enough for me to know about said traps rather than dismiss others who indeed find peace with what does not work for me. Rather my point is that some things we cannot change and as mentioned before; acceptance is key.

Our lives will no doubt continue to experience much pain. Many untimely deaths yet to come, but what's more is watching those we love become the walking dead. I've been walking this way myself for many months and every time I bring myself out of it, I then see others suffering the same. It's a hard cycle to live. How I wish to detail each of those episodes often sets the tone and length of each duration. It also accounts for how gently I come be at times. Gentle being my preferred state of existence. Many think that be more a symptom of weakness spawn from PTSD or past traumatic experiences. I know it helps me cope in ways I can sustain and that the alterative only leads me into yet more pain. The more we reject that which we cannot change becomes the driving force that is in direct opposition to our state of being. This something as I see rife in todays world ← and that insight being what leads many of us into a state of imbalance. Yet whilst the scales are tipped there is a survival instinct woven deep within each of us (despite deeply felt urges to giving up) which keeps many of us getting back up. I just happen to be one of those individuals. Gets tiring to be sure. But hey, once you have been living it long enough you get the idea which alterative is brings less pain.

Is ok to be a nut case, retarded and even non functional as to be considered normal is not what it seems. Do you relly want to function in an insane world? Of course living pain free is optimal with an intent not to see others suffer and better yet: strive for a world where we all live in some degree of comfort. Despite this world's inherit falibility, I am thankful I still have the mind set to at least every now and reconnect with what makes me - me. To be sure there are many facets within our society that strive to keep us from do as much.

For some, this write up might come off as just more trivial wallowing. At least for me whilst it does deals with a lot of undesirable points I won't this time around put it in the category of bulldust. In my own head I could not of been clearer. It's what I needed to craft in order to take another step in a sea of suffering.

OK maybe a little bit of BS. Laughs out loud.
http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/christmas/angel-flying.gif

This post was brought to you with the assistance of:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlWiI4xVXKY

[salvator here]

Is ok to be a nut case, retarded and even non functional as to be considered normal is not what it seems. Do you relly want to function in an insane world? Of course living pain free is optimal with an intent not to see others suffer and better yet: strive for a world where we all live in some degree of comfort. Despite this world's inherit falibility, I am thankful I still have the mind set to at least every now and reconnect with what makes me - me. To be sure there are many facets within our society that strive to keep us from do as much.

OK maybe a little bit of BS. Laughs out loud.Hello, Ponder..

Nah...that wasn't BS - what you wrote helped me tonight and thank you for reminding of this. I need to always remember that its perfectly ok to be 'me'. The only things I need to change are for my own well-being not for other peoples expectations. Yes.. society seemingly teaches us we need to try to fit in and blend in. I see blind followers and less individuals these days - not for me. What's wrong with being an outsider...I'm proud to be a misfit :)

Good, though, you can still laugh out lough with everything you're dealing with.

Keep up the good work and stay strong.

Wishing you well..

~Sal

[Ponder]

Hey Sal, nice to see you again.

I try not to think of it as work but know what you mean. It surely is a discipline or takes a bit of work to maintain balance in such an unstable world. Thanks hitting on some similarities with your own line of thinking. I do appreciate other people's perspectives. Here's to all the misfits of this world:

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/st-patricks/st-patricks-day-smiley-emoticon.gif Although like you, I prefer to keep mine non-alcoholic. Congrats by the way on your powering through with the sobriety. I hope that's going well? I can appreciate what the road trip is like.
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Hey man if you don't mind I'm going to add a little bit of a write up to that sheep mentality issue I kind of hit on towards the end in my other post, but promise not to put my tinfoil hat on. Have you heard of George Orwell? I'll spare everyone David Icke's take on an Orwellian totalitarian state, but rather just mention the movie that was made from George Orwell's 1984 script (seven minute comic book style summary that I thought was fair enough (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9JIKngJnCU))

As interesting as that was, I kind of found another take by the same guy that did that above seven minute summary on George Orwell. This time it was about a guy named Aldous Huxley on his script 'Brave New World'. Here's the comic book style summary on that one (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=raqVySPrDUE).

What really stood out for me was a quote that Huxley comes out with 30 years later in a follow up book Brave new World Revisited:

"In 1984 (Orwell's Book) the lust for power is satisfied by inflicting pain; in Brave New World, by inflicting a hardly less humiliating pleasure." (Aldous Huxley, Brave New World Revisited)

Here is another extract (I found on a Youtube channel → 'Academy of Ideas') which really got my attention:

“There will be, in the next generation or so, a pharmacological method of making people love their servitude, and producing dictatorship without tears, so to speak, producing a kind of painless concentration camp for entire societies, so that people will in fact have their liberties taken away from them, but will rather enjoy it, because they will be distracted from any desire to rebel by propaganda or brainwashing, or brainwashing enhanced by pharmacological methods. And this seems to be the final revolution” (Aldous Huxley, Tavistock Group, California Medical School, 1961)

Next year (2021) will be fifty years on from that the above claim.

I think Huxley pretty much nailed it. I say this someone whilst I don't like meds, have them sitting on my shelf on the ready as directed by allotted psychiatrist. Additionally chemicals are not just used in medicines but also delivered via food, drink, water supplies and a wide array of other debated methodologies. Whatever way you look at it - I think it's pretty much indisputable. The alloted (lol at the term allocated - may as well keep in theme with the books hehe) phycologist that comes to my house weekly encourages topics like these and then ends it by recommending that I watch more Netflix for a distraction.

One moment please → http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/laughing-hysterically-smiley-emoticon.gif

Srry, I needed that. I know the guy means well and I actually like him. He is probably right although I can think of better distractions myself. Self regulated distractions I don't mind and I know this was the more healthier context in which the phycologist meant. Mass distraction is another kettle of fish and more the topic woven in these quotes and links.

I've mostly just added quotes and links and don't want to become opinanted on the subject and did say I would not put on my tinfoil hat which I beleive I've lived up to. I just wanted to share this info on the subject of today's sheepish society was all. I won't asume but can only hope that you and some of the others are aware how it is that people who love their comfort will be resistance to such topics. I only wish others like myself who are they themselves caught up in the addiction of comforts or this well designed management system as it be find these links an interesting watch. No big deal.

I'm not overly invested in it or posting about it anywhere else. I'm not into the whole protesting, vigilante or activist thing as I beleive that just plays into the trap. I guess there are ways and means to play a part but for me I am happy to let it all play out. I don't mind taking a back seat and in places like share and make sense of it all myself. The way I see it at the moment is that the first step to freedom is education and that starts as soon as you get out of school. Sadly the way they today's conditioning works, it can take a life time to recover from that. Those of us that get some kind of idea of what's going on are the one's that end up insane. But I am sure you already know about that. lol. Sorry I don't mean to assume. Just hoping you know what I mean.

I just link the video I came across that got my attention and leave it at that. I'm just doing what the psychologist told me to do. Instead of using Netflix I am using my YouTube Premium Account. I am definitely caught up in the pleasure trap. Working on it.

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/prayer-hands-smiley-emoticon.gif

Whatever yours and anyone elses take, I hope this find you and the others well. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGkymdspups

EDIT - Could not help myself. I thought I better add this as I am currently finding it a good grounding with all the above in mind ... although know others may not be as prone to being caught up as I.
Brave New World vs Nineteen Eighty-Four featuring Adam Gopnik and Will Self (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31CcclqEiZw) ←Was a good watch - might be hope yet, although I think the algorithm is too powerful. Does not mean we can't still create our own world and ensure we have just enough discomfort to keep it real. lol Although for many including myself giving up the suffering is an entirely different story in itself.

[Ponder]

Smiles to think how after last night's post our wonderful algorithm brought to my attention via whatever feed - The Demiurge, Satanism, 5G, Cabal and so on and so forth.

The well to do in forums of debate refer to themselves as the Alpha in a tier reflected by ticket price whilst those more entertained by symbols and fascinating tales use the term elites. I'm now coming to see every single one of us as caught up in a masterfully woven web where the VS' in debate is as much spinning the web to that which it acknowledges. We just seemed destined to argue for argument sake regardless of how culture claims it's the only way for civility Vs barbarism. See how easy 'Vs' comes into it again. Around and around it goes - no body knows.

Once again I Smile to think how after last night's post our wonderful algorithm brought to my attention via whatever feed - The Greys, Aliens, Demiurge, Satanism, 5G, Cabal and so on and so forth.
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I wonder how the election is going. - Not! - It really never ends. Seriously I now write about these things differently than I did before. I allow myself to get caught up in all this drama just like everyone else. I took a really deep dive into both ends. Binging on everything from Ufology to Gaia TV & Ted Talks - both extremes - with many in-depth lectures on everything in-between ... covering most classes and or would-be/s/Audiences/Identities and let's throw in Entities.

My question is where do I go next now that I've had my fill? Perhaps I work on my own summery to quell my thoughts?

For now I think I will dive back into my digital world. Yes I know it is no more than yet another ingredient to all that prose. I find it amusing that I am drawn in by a fascinating game that really hits home on all the above. It's a space game that allows me to create a society that goes out in exploration yet the freedom to thrive is undoubtedly limited to the game mechanics and overall programming. Nevertheless I will call it my new distraction which will no doubt educate me in both terms of Orwell and Huxley:

https://i.ibb.co/Cspgpkf/adam-skovran-wallpaper-2020-stellaris.jpg

The game is called Stellaris (https://stellaris.paradoxwikis.com/Stellaris_Wiki). Looks like Flight Sim and Truck driving is going to have to take a back seat. Originally I was going to take a dive into Crusader Kings II (been on the back burner for a while) or Europa Universalis IV. I chose Stellaris as whilst it is still going to require a lot of learning - the intake for newbies like me on the others I have heard takes longer. The reason I have been heavily into sim games of late is that the need for violence is not so great. Pretty much devoid in fact.

I'm not sure why, but I want to explore more with human nature as it is explored in these other forms of entertainment/education/conditioning. In that sense the whole First Person Shooters have become nothing but sickening and mind numbing. I was once a very avid FPS player in their infancy. I guess I am just getting wiser. lol

I think I'll probably go back and forth to the flight Yoke and Steering wheel and more than likely wind back up in an Open World Exploration Game without the same old FPS hacking and slashing ZZZzzzzzz.

Well that is it for this write up. For now I must learn to play the game as human as it the best tutorial I can find. Thereafter I think I will create a race of robots to nanny us up the levels and see if I can give it some kind of Utopian ending. Whatever works ... or floats my boats. Will be interesting to work through the conflict.

Have a good day peeps or evening - whatever it may be.

[Ponder]

Good morning guys. Hope this finds you well. This morning I could not help but shake off some residual impacting thoughts that could of prevented me sleeping last night if I had not come to a point where in the end I simply gave up on the worrying. Long short, I can turn off my TV when it comes to intrusive conditioning, but it's much harder to control the negative impact that such programming has on others. More over the perpetual effect that spreads through communities like wildfire can be near impossible to avoid regardless of how much we seek to keep our distance or block out the light.

Keeping the distance for many includes staying at home. This point has nothing to do with Covid19 and it's associated lock downs. In hind sight I think Covid19 has been a good thing to unsettle those who've been far too comfortable via social engineering as Huxley explains; A Brave New World/Revisited. Of course I mean not to say it's good to see people suffer, yet so many have been suffering before the controversy know as CV19. Most people have and still are quite blinkered. Yet for all the attempts to stay at home and create our own bubble, the poison of this world still finds its way in. We turn off our TV's but then inevitably wind up grabbing our phones and whilst thinking we have the perception management licked, still end up vulnerable to a steady stream of notifications. (Which then triggers a new stream of thought.) Just when you thought you had notifications turned off. If that is not enough we live in denial whilst still hooked on the wide array of digital addictions; posting/boasting how healthy, wealthy and wise we think we be. The need for validation stronger than ever before.

If your not walking around with a broom stick up your but to keep you walking tall all jacked up on phone induced bliss, then your most likely depressed trying to dial down the noise pollution that makes it's way in. Honk HONK! Neighbors partying and or simply yelling and screaming at their kids. How about blocking out that intrusive light? How many of us keep adding layers to our walls and windows? A neighbor who cares less with undirected flood lights lighting up your house or even the overpowered street lights constantly making their way in? These forms of pollution perhaps not an issue for some, but very much for many living in densely populated areas. Those who consider themselves untouchable are just as susceptible to Huxley's vision in which we undoubtedly now live.

I've touched in the past on our 'Shrinking World'. I ponder to think how it is that we can avoid the storms whilst in a sinking boat? These first couple of paragraphs have not yet touched on the meaning of my title for this post, but rather jumped straight on into the futility of escapism as that relates to Huxley's vision with this world being what it be. Not just yours or my reality but that in which the collective exists. No matter the methodologies I adopt in order to create my bubble of protection the above projections http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/drink/popcorn-and-drink-smiley-emoticon.gif and pollution always seems to make its way in.
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Now that I have attempted to address the chaos … what is the relevance of the title? The difference between weather and climate is that one is local and the other regional and deals more with long term effects. Both are relevant to creating a bubble of protection that can come with us even when leaving the house. But for me to ponder on that I need to take a break and start my day. I'll do well if in my next post I continue this line of thought.

I'm not content with where I am at and have been struggling so long now that I am worried I am not be able to bounce back like as I have done so many times before. Something is wrong and I'm just pondering in order to feel my way around in the hope to get a grip. I am extremely sapped like never before. I'm into my second week of clean eating, but way too tired than I ought to be. I'm not going for any blood tests just yet or any trips to the doctor as I suspect it's more my environment - local and regional at that.

All the issues I listed above are very relevant for me. I find myself having to shut windows in order to dial back the intrusions yet doing so has me sleeping in a room depleted of life sustaining O2. That's just one in a number of actions and consequences to living in a shrinking world with care-less people who they themselves are also struggling. The latter being a compassionate sense of reasoning that yields to the insanity that would rather have me go berserk. No doubt part of the answer to which I seek with respect for self.

I'm trying to find a universal response as highlighting every issue in a world of triggers is can often make things worse. That said, getting at the source still helps. Different approaches for different folks. Yet there are many things that work on the whole. Laughs out loud to think of both Orwell and Huxley which is stating the obvious. We only like to switch between personal and universal when seeking the most comfortable and quickest response. So true! I also at times overcomplicate things as just another form of distraction and to be sure that is one of many traits.

Until next post ... better out than in. Here is to a good day!

Adios.

[Ponder]

Because I don't like killing birds, I'll just say I'm copying and pasting for today's entertainment and play act on my stage for the sake of saving energy. PUN being I'll kill two events with one stone.

Here is my take on the current drama with Trump and Biden. A response to an article asking people if they beleive the election is a fraud. You don't need to see the article. The question is straightforward and my response really has nothing to to with Yes or No ... it's more me just looking to find my own answers which refuse to be cornered with such aboloutes. Just another log entry that's done a bit differently. What I think does not really matter when it comes to others - it's more about the space.
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Fact 1: As an Australian, I can tell you that our main stream media (like all others) thrive on creating drama and disinformation. In this light it does not surprise me that the media would stir the pot by seemingly supporting accusations of fraud. The fact is - MOST other reports in Australia are countering the accusations. Tit for tat game destined to influence main streamers into see trump supporters as nut cases:

Fact 2: Allowing the use of a Tinfoil Hat Recorded Voice shows well point one above, and 100% having that on air only creates a Tin Foil Hat image in the minds of those watching on listening on. It's a move that fits well into perception management but more for reverse psychology. These reports are not trying to support the accusation of fraud but more have the public think it's ludicrous to suggest it is.

What do I beleive? I think every political event is a sham were we are all puppets in a prison trap of one form or another. I don't vote in a country that makes it criminal if you don't. I simply don't play the game or feed the chaos ... although I am not sure if that is possible in a world that withholds the basics of life if your not seen co-operating in one form or another.

To be honest ... I don't really care who gets in or what they are doing as all roads point to pain and suffering. There is no escape other than turning you back on no longer participating. In your new direction start walking and never look back. Just keep going and do you best to create your own world and ensure that politics and religion have zero to do with it. You would also do well to ditch all those stories that create cult followings - those are just as much a trap as well. Glean, don't be absorbed - but ensure it's really you coming up with your own answers. Relying on news reports and the say so of others will only have you leashed ... pull you this way and that.

Let this shit be - they are all deceitful fucking liers - You can't trust either side or anyone else in this world. All you have is yourself. This shit will ensure you don't connect with that which makes you YOU. It's OK to be alone in a world of shit. Once you can discover yourself - You don't need to VOTE or participate in these fucked up games. Once you discover your real self and are OK regardless of how abused your false self may be - You will no longer be alone.

So my answer is I don't really give a shit if it's a fraud or not. I have more important things to focus on because it won't matter who gets in - The bars will never be lifted as long as we are playing this fucked up game. You can imply that I must - or that I am ... but for me it's a very different story as I am using a different brush! It's not easy stepping out of the insanity. It's lonely as! BUT - Isolating and all that - but only on these levels can you see the insanity and have a chance to see beyond the bars into a new world without the chaos. You can't be dragged back down if your no longer attached to the drama that keeps us bound.

I just watch an observed waiting until my last breath where in the end I will either no longer exist or at worst simply adopt that which I allowed myself to beleive. It's all been mentioned in previous videos on this channel. I give nothing of myself over to any information that I have not experience personally myself ... especially that which comes via a screen. And when the world does impact mine - I again do my best waiting for that story - another's story to play out. If I die ... I die. It all comes down to what I have allowed myself to feel. Panic is something I do my best to avoid. We live in a world of panic merchants ... I choose to use more words than most as deciphering this existence takes way more than reactive twits! Sigh ... That's enough brushing for me. Laughs out Loud and smiles.

Fuck the Votes I don't really give two fucks - no offence to those that thrive on the drama though. Best of luck if your into this shit.

Take Care - Dare I say PEACE
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The trigger comes from our good old friend the algorithm having notified me of a video on a channel that loves to entertain. Don't we all? I must say it keeps me going with my own brush to say the least which is why I am so glad I am back in here sharing such things that keep my breathing.


Today I keep working on my portal:

https://i.ibb.co/QNXV3vs/ymfr-WHb64tjh-Kryua-Vm3t-X.jpg

[Ponder]

WATER ONLY TODAY! Until this time tomorrow ... see you then! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/word/omg.gif

[Ponder]

Nailed it!http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/clapping-happy-smiley-emoticon.gifLets see how I go with another day of water only. I'm pleased to report that whilst difficult it was not as brutal as my past experiences. Personal experience combined with repeated experiences is the only way to gauge 'anything' is this world. Reading about it is not enough and in most cases with things being the way they are, only reading often leads us astray. The best research is in self experimentation. Nothing beats that.

I'm actually quite surprised how easy I just went water only for the first day. I'm focusing (but not too hard) on what made it easy to get through the next day. Due to the ease of day one I don't mind revealing now that I am aiming for three days of water only.

Perhaps talking about it in the right light need not be a trap as such revelations can be re weight loss given long bouts of unsuccessful attempts. Generally when I am doing well I gain a lot of benefit from writing about the things I enjoy. It's not the suffering I enjoy. In fact it's the knowing from personal experience what water fasting has to offer. Freedom from extremes with an extreme act. It really is all in the approach/mind.

That said there are physical barriers to overcome and whilst the mind can assist in that, it can also hinder. My tendency to push past things have had me wind up in hospital with near renal failure. This time I just intend to push myself into semi suffering where already I am feeling the reward. Pleasure and Pain on my own terms. Way better than being a drone or a societal puppet. In today's world food is the number one drug. Whilst I agree over 95% of our the world's current food supply is Fake Food ... there is still an option that for an addict like me (most - or else why are we do we find ourselves in forums like these?) which when caught up in the junkie phase requires extreme measures in order to break free.

In that respect that is why my approach to water fasting is. The require reset in order to escape the addiction trap that food pretty much is.

So in a nutshell my last 18 months to 2 year bouts of super clean eating and states of clarity with well rounded and manageable bouts of inescapable suffering was enabled via my efforts in a seven day water fast. My broken anatomy junked up on psychiatric medications as well as number of other mood altering drugs made it impossible for me to go beyond that number of days. Not unless I wanted to kill myself or inevitably knowing I would wind up dead whilst clinging to some compulsion, neuroses and or ego trip to reach an unattainable goal.

Knowing that - My research - not someone else's ... I figure I can do three days without ending my life. Laughs out loud. Because I am sure Day Three will be no picnic as either today will also not be. Mind wise though I am doing pretty good. My thoughts are already starting to slow and allow room for acceptance to which I have talked a little about in my previous posts. Fear is another topic that is brought up in some water fasting articles/books that can make or break a fast. Fear is toxic and can end such the process of healing before it even has a chance to begin.

You know - or I ponder just now, how powerful the body can be in terms of capacity to regenerate relative to age and past damage done when we bring acceptance into our life in a way that no amount of reading or deciphering can. To be sure the latter can help us overcome basic forms and physicalities that stand in our way, but the ability to focus beyond such terms with self compassion and said acceptance is something that gets me as far as I can humanly go. Chuckles somewhat now as that latter could be seen as a cop out between those two camps. It also makes one wonder what a human is really even supposed to be in a world that for me sees are further distance from any really meaning. I won't even bother saying that hundred or thousands of years ago - people really knew. I think that approach can also be as much a cop out too.

NOW - every moment ... right now! From second to second - is a good place to be and one that living only on water will definitely bring about.

This is how I will get through today and also all day the next. I will envisage a nice smooth return to putting things inside my mouth. I doubt I will need anywhere near the amount. I'll also have a much better taste without the need for additives such as sugar and salt. Sauces completely unnecessary. I know that such amounts to sacrilege for most addicts of today. Even those that think they have a good handle and are well ballance. (Again - why be in forums like these if so well rounded) ... smiles. Acceptance that we are not is definitely that way to go. But more so that way in which we view this imbalance. Being unbalanced in today's world should be seen perfectly normal. From an objective view I think that is clearly the case.

Even in victory you can see the hate being projected on the faces of so many this day with another election in the bag. It happens on both sides as both sides are really the same and reflect well just how sick our world really be. They do it behind big smiles and various other emojs, that still clearly show disdain for their fellow man. They just hate in jest and whilst living in a toxic world day to day - I can't figure a better way to create my own toxic world than the act of no longer eating. Like I say ... at least this way I am doing it on my own terms. It also offers the potential for true freedom unlike anything our society has to offer. That said - it's also risky and warrants both research and small bouts of personal experience before.

So far it feels liberating ... even if my right kidney is starting to feel it on day two. Calling out the world for what it is and accepting that my intention to have nothing to do with it - IS OK - but the key in all that is HOW I view it. Do my best not to adopt all that hate. Adding to that do my best not to get depressed in the deceitful way people kid themselves hiding behind those smiles while projecting all that destructive emotion towards they view as less.

The how and why we have ended up in this state as a race is becoming less amusing as I fall deeper into the cost that runs that world. I think what happens is that projected negative energy becomes a dependency the more we fall into the addictions that are always being updated and manipulated. That understanding is enough to make choice - but the way in which we make that is key to freedom Vs slave.

Belief? Yet another calculation not so well adopted or understood.

Now I revert back into going from one second into the next allowing the fragmentation of this script and what comes next.

I got stuff to do which I can be grateful for but in that doing I'll be doing *&^% all!

If we could only be thankful for the air we have left regardless of how toxic that also be ... imagine a world where you don't have to eat or worry about basic needs.

Time to go back to living on less. Once you can do that, the less of a colar we have around our neck. The leash disappears as too the NEED.

To be NEEDLESS as opposed to needy.

Goto go guys ... I am needed. Round and round she goes ... where she winds up ... nobody knows.

Breath IN - Breath Out!

Vital Edt to Self - Let Day 3 be more bout the end of shedding the toxic world and just focus on creating an entirely different one where the need for others and their ideals be what they need that to be (wish them well and mean it) ... but be OK within your newly formed buble. Does not have to be about the same old reinvigorating color and all that well receptive banter ... focus more on the void of peace and ride with that. Enough of what is wrong - You've nailed it - leave that weight for others. Draw from it - but don't spend so much time on it. Time to move on.

[Ponder]

Hey Tone, if you have found this thread as well? Your welcome to join in here. Maybe you can slowly up your post count with a few shortened versions of what keeps you on track. Once you get started it does not take long. Just saying is all. It's been a challenging day for me. I had my support worker come over, then half an hour later my therapist showed up + had a cleaner help me as well. My daughter was also escorted from the house to the police station whilst I was half way through a post. My poor wife had her tooth pulled out and to top it all off my grandson came home with spasms in his neck where he cried the house down. People reading on might understand me a little better (those that don't already know me) with regards to why I am now receiving so much support. I'm deemed a permanent case on disability and also on a scheme that's actually doing a lot of good. It's important that I acknowledge that.

So whilst today was a roller coaster ride - I have to be honest I say that as much as much as I dislike what has happened and also pretty much everything about society, I am all for working towards making notes on what works.

Currently I am doing alright. I do hope you keep reading on and able to find your voice.

Once again - your most welcome to get you post count up in here. You're also welcome to PM if you so wish.

You have not missed the boat. I am still here and have been for years. This forum is a great place to do personal work. I know that lingo is not much chop for many but it's pretty much how I have kept myself going. There are also decent people in here just like you and me. Not everyone need suffer like us in order to understand what pain is all about. We all suffer this world in different ways, yet pain is pain.

Sigh - It was nice to meet you. I do hope you consider hanging out if even only on the side.

That's a wrap for my day. This is Day Two ... still only on water. Here is to Day Three. I think Day three is one of the hardest ... if deciding I go more. I'm doing this to get better, not to give up. You have to have experience to understand how it works. Being crazy does not instill confidence in others when they discover I am no longer eating. lol

Good night peoples ... I see if I can link this dude. He has some pretty good insights and easy to listen to:

This was a pretty good one. Depending on your stand with religion - you may just have to ignore that focus this guy puts on God. For the most part he is well respected by many not into religion because he himself is careful when sharing. He is probably the most enlightened man I know that has belief system in something I care less for. That said, he is ability to share what really counts makes a huge difference. I'm grateful that I can now see past the madness and puppetry of this world when it comes to listening. It's not a cure - but this guy really helps. Best enjoy his presence whilst he is still around.

When it comes to addictions - this one really helped me to make better decisions. There are still people in this world worth listening to.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-mmQB3Weuk

[Ponder]

Well it's Tuesday morning and I still have not had any food sources what so ever since Saturday evening. Day 3 is one that I have often struggled with in the past on my water only regime. There is definitely phases throughout the day. Phase one is waking up which can be a little tiresome and whilst at this stage it's still much better than when I was eating, I am sure that could change as the days go on. In fact I might have to stop the fast (true fast) pending the pain in my right kidney. I've noted on scans how the branches on the one are a lot more restricted compared to my left. Of course the doctors did not regard it as an issue because my left one is fine and my right decreased function in the right is not causing 'enough' to warrant making an issue out of.

Here's the thing with the medical system. The levels at which they classify normal function are in fact way below what is that of a healthy human being. If they warranted assistance to everyone as soon as you organ levels dropped below healthy, then the health care system would be inundated. This fact is secondary to the concept of a Health Care System that thrives on Sick People.

Thus it pays to learn about what the body can and can't do for yourself. Leaving it up to the medical system is a dangerous prospect despite 'life saving technology' You really have to take things into your own hands. Despite the discovery that kidneys can in fact regenerate themselves (https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2014/06/adult-kidneys-constantly-grow.html#:~:text=It%20was%20thought%20that%20kidn ey,and%20repairing%20themselves%20throughout%20lif e.&text=Contrary%20to%20long%2Dheld%20beliefs,the%20c apacity%20to%20regenerate%20themselves.), I really need to be mindful of just how far I push myself when water fasting. Water Only Fasting brakes down the toxins in food which takes a toll and both the kidney and liver.

The liver is also something I need to be extra careful with despite it being noted as a regenerative organ. I had my gall bladder removed which means my live has to do the job my gallbladder once did. Both by kidney and liver have been compromised with the eating mostly fake foods. Trauma and Anxiety also place a toll on the body which is not talked about nearly enough. Just what we are thinking takes a toll.

Righto enough banter on the warning signs of when to brake a fast. Reading up on the Myths is liken to reading articles written by people who are simply bias with the act.

Day three sees me with no flakes in my beard whatsoever. For me that is really saying something. That's actually a very good sign for me liver. The kidney however is something despite need findings re regenerative capability is something I need to be really careful of. Things that help is not sitting too long - walking gently only for short distances - alternating enough times to make it effective but not too much to stress the body when water fasting. Gentle stretching, rubbing the kidney when getting up in a backwards and forwards motion. Deep breathing, Meditation, Relaxing Music to suit personal taste, Avoiding stress but no stressing out about that which you can't change. All that kind of thing.

Fact is all those things are the key to dealing with Anxiety as is regardless of trying to go the distance of a water fast for it's benefits. Water fasting is just a great way to force you into doing those things. So clearly there are pros and cons to water fasting Vs those who enjoy righting about Myths. What matters is what I attribute to the act and the process in which I undertake it.

See what happens I guess.

HUNGER - Have I been hungry?
Not really. I'm quite surprised about this. The whole reason I decided to go back to water fasting is because of how I was using food to deal with anything and everything. My guts was hugely bloated which I am please to say is no longer the case. My therapist asked yesterday if I has lost weight. I simple said "No, I guess I am not bloated anymore. I have not eaten for a couple of days." I think the tightness I feel is no more than my stomach shrinking. I actually don't mind the feeling. It's been a long time since I have had that feeling. Hopefully it does not turn into a new addiction. I really want to connect with this feeling because I think it's the key to my ongoing healthy eating.

6 Hour Eating Window
It's known by many names. All I know it that what was key for me in my 2 year about of clean eating. I'll give credence to the concept that eating clean is way more than just about the food. Not did eating in a short window of time respective to the whole day work well but also choosing where to put the window in the 24 hour period is also key. 12pm - 6pm nailed it for me. Main meal at 12PM with something light and easily digestible before 6PM - might even be 5PM this time around since I am now going to be around 8PM. That last hour is flexible.

There is the One Meal a Day concept that works well for many. None of these concepts are wrong or right which makes reading most articles annoying. I really don't bother anymore because I already know what works for me and I really care less to write about it like I used to. I'm just lining up my reentry into eating once I am done with this water fast. The cleaner I eat and nail my times next time around will mean I can water fast longer without as much impact on my organs. People who waters fast regularly are not in the normal category with respect to bias reporting.

I'll consider it my new hobby. If I can do that I for sure come out on top.

It's sooooo good to be able to stretch at the moment and way less pain. Only day 3 and I'm feeling pretty damn good other then the niggles that come with water fasting. I'm so glad I have experience this time around. It's made it 10 times better. Way less brutal on my mind. Yesterday was tough but that was more because everything that could stress me did all at once.

Today is different. I feel like this morning in one whole exhale that brings relief.

Feet on the ground, Look and Listen.

Until Day 4 Water Only!

[Ponder]

Just a quick entry. Decided to settle on 72 hours / 3 Day water fast. Now off for a walk and feeling way better than I did over 3 days ago. Long story short for the next few weeks is intermittent fasting. Will probably experiment with the wide away of options during those upcoming weeks and hopefully months.

Would love to go on - but have decided to get back into my hour long walks. I best get started before the sun gets any higher.

It all starts with that first step and pushing through the rest. Picking routes not so easy these days ... arrrr ... Just reminded myself to use my car and drive to a place that offers a more conducive setting. Not power walking at this stage. Nice slow gentle and mindful pace is all. Doing so helps to navigate the triggers.

Righto, off I go: http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/funny/1/walking-zombie-smiley-emoticon.gif

[salvator here]

Good luck with your diet program and hope you walk went well. Not power walking here either just steady pace right now, as well :)

[Ponder]

Hi Sal & Thanks. Yea, making a new thread is sometimes good to reset the mind kind of thing. I'm just glad you're finding the energy to write again. You really nailed some key points for myself in your other thread. Thanks again. It's hard not to fall into the holes whilst taking in what's going on around us. Finding balance as we expel both negative and positive emotion as a result of all that goes on is what I feel wears us down.

The trouble with being too exposed and or constantly focusing on the negatives scale is that we end up in a pattern that is hard to break. We literally end up 'wallowing' in a negative mind states. Not all the time, but often this is the reason I wind up creating a new threads. Is good to break the cycle - or in this case create one. The act of wallowing itself is not good or bad. Some animals have a natural instinct to wallow. They do it in the mud and pools of water in order to keep cool and avoid biting insects. In our case we probably just find solace in it. I'd say we humans are more predisposition to addiction and simply don't know when to stop.

The other facet why we might find it hard to get back up is lack of energy resultants from being caught up in all the negatives for so long. We have been wallowing for so long in order to avoid what's out of the pool that don't have the strength to get out. Just like some animals we get caught in the mud and literally drown. How many times has instability of the mind lead us to being in exactly this state. Feeling powerless and helpless to break the cycle that keeps us bound?

I feel I am coming out of a huge wallowing period that has lasted way too long and one that I was seen me severely disabled. Disabled from doing the things that I know that works for me. Moreover, disabled from be able to do the things I usually enjoy.

Yep sir re ... the world is gone to shit! But hey man surely I am on par when I say the people like us already saw that before the world finally went into a pandemic. We already knew the score. It's why most of us have already been locked down before the concept reach out and grab so many who thought they were untouchable. In that respect I think CV has been a good wake up call for many even if they don't know it. I digress.

Let's get back on track:
http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/travel/train-goodbye-smiley-emoticon.gif

Where was I? Arrr yes. We are in the mind set that the world is just going to keep serving up the same old shit. How can we not be in that mind set with everything the world keeps spamming? All the directives, streaming, standards and most of all; what confronts us right outside our doors. I don't know what truth is anymore. I care less for what is good and for what is bad. I feel the same way towards wrong and right. At least in terms that the world would have us beleive. As a result I struggle with belief. The one thing I do feel as I slowly crawl out of the mud to regain my health, is that we live in a distorted reality yet hold the keys to change it.

Now I don't mean to propose that we should ignore the world. How can we - it's right out our front door and why the likes of us care less for it. I do however, mean to propose that it's not only good to pick up another train of thought but it's kind of vital to our state of being that we ensure we do.

We got this. I'm sure we both know we'll end up back in the pit. That said, just like the animals we can make that a useful thing. But having had a good change of mind from time to time we find now find we are more enabled. More able to roll in the mud rather than wind up stuck or worse; drowning.

At any rate, at least we can be thankful we have each other. I've heard it said before that perhaps the only reason we are even here; is to help one another. I know I often switch between the extremes of expelling. But I do always bounce back with a hand for anyone willing. If not for the taking, I often extend to be helped. Both ways lead to the same road of acceptance.

Yadda Yadda - From wallowing to waffling.

Waffle anyone? :)

[Ponder]

1st the ankle biter. Thank you jesus!http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/prayer-hands-smiley-emoticon.gif Thanks for toning it down from a pickaxe to an ankle-biter. Chuckles to self. ​I mean for FUCKS SAKE ... I am trying my best here! ... still smiling. I guess it's just a simple case of damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Last night I spent a bit of time looking for the highest capacity ultrasonic dog deterrent ... with the last for web pages on where to buy bear spray and an electric stun gun. Me being me, I gave up as even having to get around with such devices defeats the low key nature of my walks. I'm now just really amused than anything else. The bite itself was not the bad. It was just a tiny dog and it was more the aggressive way in which it too place. I'm out trying to relax my mind but then look down to see and finally hear this fluff ball thrashing around chewing on the tendon that runs into the back of my foot. I was at least thankful that I had my thicker socks on that morning.

I was quite slow to react as I was pretty much in another world with my earphones playing alpha waves and my attention on the ocean to my left. That said it did snap me out of my trance and momentarily had me question why the fuck am I even trying to do go outside my front door. I don't blame that dog. It was more a case of the owners just looking the other way as if it was my fault for walking in an off dog leash area. I don't know.

I guess that's the lesson from it though. No more walking in off dog leash areas as the owners just don't seem able to control them. It is interesting now looking back.

Despite caught up in the zone with the alpha vibes in my ear and still able to hear the ocean where I was walking, I responded to the dog owners greeting although barely audible to me with my earphones. I responded in turn by saying "Yea ... not bad thanks" and genuinely meant it. I suspect the dog reacted to the tone of my response. I'd already past by the stage the dog started yapping. I gave it no attention as I was just cruising with the breeze and actually ok with the fact another human made a greeting. But like I say, tone is everything. Just as is intent and all that. I kept walking back on track with the wind and the sea but like I say, the owners seem to care less when I finally stopped to shake their dog off the back of my ankle.

My mind was like "WTF ... Did I say something wrong? Was I not confident enough? Was my response too forceful? Perhaps too weak?" - It could of been anyone one of those things in the pooches mind combined with whatever mindsets of the owners had rubbed off on the dog. Such is the complexity of walking outside my front door in this world being the way it be.

Cool Story ... Moving On. I will find another location today where people and their dogs are not allowed. I think Botanical Gardens ... although early in the morning I go prefer the sun. I know another place where most people keep them on leashed. MOST - however with some of those you have to nearly jump over there leashes. lol What a fucked up world we live in.

OK ...
__________________________________________________ ___

John and Jesus: Despite an extremely toxic background in all things christianity I really like this guy and keep saying it. In this video John is replying to a letter written (or scripted/don't know what to beleive but does not matter) by a seemingly bitter christian who thinks they know better. I've never seen John get angry before but even in his anger he is quite reserved. I thought it was worth a share. It goes without saying that I don't always agree with John, however I understand agreements are not necessary and only add to the complication and confusion that plagues as already. That said I did caught up on words when John started calling the letter writer smaller, although it was more a question. "How small are you!? My mind instantly latched on like the little dog I described above with a recollection of another video I recently shared. In it was a person holding a sign 'Think Small' which resonated well with me. With John now in a completely different video roasting another human asking her how small she was - I was starting to get confused. Chuckles to self how the mind works.

I have now resigned myself to see that John is 'simply' referring to narrow mindedness, whilst the 'Think Small' sign that chimed well with me is more about 'simplicity itself.' What gives is the way in which my mind started barking at the way in which John gave his roasting in the linked video and more my mind's reaction to that. Having now pondered rather, no longer reacting - all is good. Feet on the ground - Listen - Look :)

Is worth noting that many see John as a Mystic. He does not. His take on Mystic is interesting though. He sees himself as deeply religious. His take on that must no doubt different. lol - sorry. In joke for myself there. More meaning he obviously has a healthy relationship with it. He is opening my eyes that's for sure and whilst my relationship with the concept of religion still bites - I too am attracted to his mystic like approach. I feel he knows more than he it letting on with respect to such. I like his spin all the same regardless of so many tainted terms.

Off for my walk. Here's to whatever happens next.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-oWvfcd1Mw

[Ponder]

It's OK, I'm not going all religious on ya. I'm avoiding toxicity so you can be sure of that. However I must admit from a spiritual context that has nothing to do with the dogma and patriotism - I'm in some ways once more opening up to some solace in a non-logical and non-tangible way. Let's just call it a flying teapot for now. Richard Dawkins would be pleased. :)

Off for a walk ... my second, for the day. Diet, outdoor exposure and sleep is going well.

[Ponder]

Steady as she goes. Giving my mind a rest with so much info about the place. Still holding the line with my health whilst keeping my recovering shoulder in mind. I do feel like stepping things up a little with some body weight resistance if only just to let my hormones know I am still alive. That said, I really don't want to make the same old return to exercise as I once knew it. I'm getting in a lot of walking and healthy eating + even sleeping, but something is missing and I think it is the 'weight bearing' no longer being a thing. My body naturally craves it. However, that venture is a little precarious with my shoulder being the way it is now.

None the less - I go now and think about easing my way back into my old suspension trainer.
_________________________________________

Other than that - Like I say, giving my mind a break.

[Ponder]

A 30 year old FULL movie (Canadian film) on Youtube about love and compassion in an insane asylum. Includes the character and great poet Walt Whitman. The quality of both footage and sound will not be for most but as an old classic film that is very hard to find for online streaming and downloading, it was good enough to put up with. The story for any decent hearted person is enough to more than make up for the lack in quality. Worth a share at least:
Trailer → Here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGDOwQNzS4s)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lap-qPUMlOg

[Ponder]

Woke up very early this morning after going to be very early. Body still going through some pain but is part of the process of moving after being sedentary for so long. It will get better. Been through it all before. Will go for long walk this morning. Found a good listen to start me off.

Easy Come - Easy Go with Eckhart Tolle. He seems to be good when it comes to assisting with finding that numb spot which helps deal with all the hype, pain and extremes this world would have us thrive on. As usual, not for everyone. Almost requires a certain level of suffering in order to be understood. lol ... or perhaps, let's just say a certain level of experience that is of no consequence regarding levels of status or any of that kind of thing?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eQ6MKxrIjs

[salvator here]

I read everything and glad to see you're doing better and staying active.

Yeah, I decided to let my thread die and go to heaven (or is it hell..?!) I Wonder sometimes as you were talking religion... Hell wouldn't want me, they'd be afraid I'd take over :D. I'm sooo totally just kidding with you, but thank you for your reply and advice. I think about what you said about weathering the storm. Just doing that and hoping things will pass right now. Taking is day-by-day, I guess.

OK since you're 'going all religious"..

Know how to make Holy Water?

You boil the hell out of it..;-)

Yes.. lame attempt at levity

I don't have much in the way of helpful words right now, sorry, but good to return here and see you're improving.

Be well..

~Sal

[Ponder]

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/laughing-dog-smiley-emoticon.gif Well said. Glad you popped in. Trust me when I say my improvement still entails much dysfunction. However, I am grateful and encouraged by your acknowledgements. TY.

No need for insights atm. Meaning sometimes less words is better. This I should learn. ATM I am listening to a few videos I find helpful and taking a break myself from too much self reflection. Whatever way I look at that - it involves thinking. Is good to give that a rest more often than not.

I think D is onto something with watching some good old TV series. I think I will continue to rewatch Star Trek Next Generation. Nearly finished that series for like the tenth time now and happy to rewatch again; once I get through all the rest of the following series. I've even bitten the bullet and succumb to the new discovery series, although do not count it to be anywhere near the Star Trek I have come to love. Each to their own of course. It's good enough in it's own right and now worth watching to pass the time I guess. I think they might of even responded to criticism with it heading in a better direction now. Yadda yadda ... srry ... SG1 will of course be a seventh time and one I am looking forward to it again. Just in no rush atm. I am glad your enjoying it D :)

Forgive me as I do go on.

Have you got any classic rewatchable list in your head that might be worth some time?

[Ponder]

Hope all is well - Unfortunately struggling to find more appropriate housing. The agents now ring up requesting more information over the phone like "what job are you working in" - My wife emailed back to explain just how the process left her feeling extremely judged. I don't blame her for feeling that way. The rental crisis is completely out of hand at the moment and has us now fairly worried if we were outed of our current lease simply just to increase the rent as is the case happening for man others in the current climate of exploitation.

You might not remember a post I made about 8 to 13 months back about Australian SAS soldiers being exposed for brutal executions of Afghan persons of interest. Anyone found with a phone in XYZ regions were to be shot on site. The way in which these killings were carried out later led to SAS soldiers turning them into initiations for greener recruits. The footage that was on 60 minutes shows well the style in which they were killing and counters quite well the term 'allegation' which authorities are fighting back with. Basically the Government and Military are doing all they can to intimidate those speaking out and change laws to stop all whistleblowers. The alleged killings are all on GoPro style video files which I could care less to link anymore. Just as I now say the United States of America has become the new Nazi Regime administered in the style of Huxley's 'A Brave New World' where the more in your face brutality of George Orwell is carried out with mindless preprogrammed law enforces on all levels hidden behind complicated bombastic laws, policies and more conveniente of all - Long Range Drones the no one knows about. With regards to the Australian SAS war crimes in Agan, it was a signals officer and a medical officer + a US Helicopter Pilot that spoke out. It really did not surprise me at all. We have thousands of videos of police beating people back in the lock up that hit the headlines when the Media and Government wish to look as if something it being done. There is no shortage of evil when it comes to the cost of ensure quality life up at the top.

I guess the CV era was a good time to leak more stuff out. But I question the nature in which it is released. It's never enough. Again this is why I choose to always see our society or any system of economics as totally corrupt. Helps to alleviate the memories of my own beatings and rejection as a child. There is way way worse being committed by professional so called peacekeepers/police/law enforcers/politicians and government to which so many conditioned sheep worship with flag waving, accolades and grouping talk. Ours, Mine, Us and Them. Our boys, My country, One of Us, If not ... your one of them. Fact is ... all that division is woven into the whole of the flag in order to keep people from knowing the true cost. Is why people fight so hard to ignore the reality so that they can keep their comforts. I worked so hard - Make a living - all generates disdain towards those seen as undesirable ... deemed lazy and so on. I am sure you get the gist. This is how all western countries our self regulated on the lower rungs. Me me me ... I I I - You you you and so on.

Anyways - is what it is.

Also feeling down as I have been stuck with a very sore throat where breathing hurts. Not much sleep. Wake up every 30 minutes with dry painful throat. On my second day of it now. Hopefully it will get better soon. Doing all I can to make it less painful. All in good time.

ZZZzzzzzzzzzz Will try to get some sleep. Have given up on packing to move. Just unpacked my treadmill and will start again with it.

Actually fuck it - here is the link to the first story about one soldier on a rampage and all his buddies basically defending him:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GPplTKCYpQ

I'm glad it's coming out all again and now finding out with recent reports how this insanity has been spreading ... re intations of new SAS recruits
If you can't handle the facts then best not to watch. These things only come to light with those strong enough to reveal the facts as is ... not what others wish.

Much work is on the way to still cover it all up ... however I rest with everything I said about society above. You can't fool me on any spectrum of society. It's all toxic ... The reason why I have to work everyday to find a single moment of peace. Can't get there whilst the world is still living the insanity ... can we?
For context the above video is what I posted originally about a year ago (one linked is a reupload) ... this is what the latest fall out is - link below ... however they still try to make out that is just a rogue element. The truth is that this kind of brutality is deeply entrenched with people covering it up ... it's rife in the culture of all forms of enforcement through all levels of society. But to be sure is good that it's been leaked and hopefully more people like myself will not hold any respect for violence whatsoever and start seeing what a toxic world we really live in.


Killing Field: Explosive new allegations of Australian special forces war crimes (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rE9qUTX0xEM)| Four Corners (They are trying hard to pin on one soldier when it's now systemic in the culture. That, they will not admit. Still worth watching the report to see how they cover and what they are willing to reveal. Like most things I generally don't watch any news as most if fake and at best - perception management - with rest mostly entertainment.)
Nothing New About it. Lets just hope more people give up on our BS ideals.

*Worth noting the guy that recently ran into my car and chased me with pickaxe was Australian X-military. This being a classic example of Eckhart Tolle's terms Pain Body & the World's Residual Pain.
They go out and murder people in cold blood, come home and try it again on anyone that gets on their way. How do we break the cycle with leaders that imprint such programs as they do today?

Now I am done ... ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Please forgive me that I cannot be any more upbeat. I'm up again unable to sleep due to my inflamed throat that's been going on a few days now. It's currently 1:15pm as I type although the last time I logged in a post I note the time stamp was out by quite a bit. (Edit - looks good ... took me about 2 hours to ponder this) I wonder what is going on in my settings. Yadda Yadda. Just passing the time while my throat is still in quite some pain. Now starting to take some paracetamol and ibuprofen. Let's hope that reduces some of the swelling.

I really don't know what to say about the above. Better out than in I guess. The irony that I typed in red at the end really makes me think which I really don't like doing any more. Like I don't mind writing for the sake of writing but trying to do so when feeling more stable in a way the seeks to alleviate rather then derail myself or others. I guess there is always some form of resistance before growth can happen. Comes back to that analogy of how plants that forego the wind and the rain typically die off when once suddenly exposed to the slightest bit of weather. Yet another art of balance when seeking to grow beyond the scope of natural occurrences to which our society is prides itself on always doing. That is to say living in a world that prides itself on dominating the natural world. Yet the fact is that mankind was has all but killed off most of it's magnificent creatures, deforested more than 46% of the world's trees and polluted the oceans and skies of this once deep blue planet. Kind of makes you wonder about so called educated claims of a magnificent advanced society. The humans themselves still killing each other and committing atrocities today as much as they have done so throughout history.

Those unaffected whom see themselves as higher educated in high ranking jobs with more money, property and possessions see themselves as better equipped and refer to themselves as 'Alphas.' It's not worth talking about the Super Rich Elite as they are mostly invisible and it's easy to off load one's frustration onto that which cannot be seen. However when dealing with what you can see, you can be more confident in your summation of what is really going on without distraction of those who defend man kind's broken most toxic and broken system. I have no doubt the super rich elite commonly referred to as the 1% exist, but it's much better to deal with those alpha groups we see all around us as opposed to things we cannot see. The alphas are just sheep like the rest of us. Think of them as Ted Talk Audiences, Cream of the crop public forum participants all the way down to Oprah Winfrey or even polished and pick participants for whatever popularized and worshiped talk back show that keeps us all dumbed down ... etc. Our alpha groups come in different levels but all based on the premise of being leveled off in different groups. It all comes to climbing the ladder in the ideal of chasing happiness. We have the hero's journey frame work to assist the entertainment styled education dogma from entertaining news reports all the way to Netflix and of course the great mesmerizing Hollywood Wand/Stick.

That ideal being mankind's ideology the separates it dogma by a wide array of flags, borders, culture, political, religious and many different other educated society of which whom are all separated within and outside huge bright colorful flags that are typically worshiped in the same way you find emotionally frenzied audience into sports stadiums. This being the essence of mankind's dominating culture. Said to be more tamed than accent Roman times, although the brutality is still very much to be seen. Just not in plain sight for the indoctrinated to see. Those individuals blinded by so called loyalties, invested emotions and all else that makes their surrogate lives much easier than would otherwise be. Think they are in control as long as they beleive ... yadda yadda ...
______________________________________

All those groups under the invisible super rich elites including those that see themselves as Alphas are all pretty much predisposed to being enslaved by the same control mechanism. It is a machine to be sure. That concept is easy to imagine and one can see how the many other concepts are spawn. For me however, I don't see any point in getting or worked up over the invisible groups or entities that you cannot see. I get that concept too, but I see it about as helpful to beleive in that kind of concept as I do a God I can't see or fully grasp. On the other hand, the Alpha structure, with all it's separatism and likewise politics is very easy to see. That is enough to work with and holds up well when it comes to seeing just how enslavement still grips the planet. It matters very little to me if it's aliens, interdimensional forces or whatever fancy cosmic story or religiously induced drama at hand. All that kind of thinking just plays right back into the slave mentality. To be sure that are many elements of truth in each story, following slash identity.

The most common theme of all those latter marginalized groups, is how well they expose secular society as mindless drones that are very much predisposed to the same brainwashing techniques that main stream media laughs at X Y & Z groups. All those that look towards feeling wanted by the act of reading a newspaper to feel connected, lap up the constant marginalization/perception management by later in their day talking about it passionately at work or play as if they know the gospel as told by either their favorite morning news crew that know how to make them smile and feel all bubbly. It's during those feel good times that such manipulation works bests. OMG did you hear about those groups of people sponging off the system while we are working so hard to pay their taxes. Hey, what about those refuges now walking in óur' streets - GRRRRRR ... How dare those people draw from MY wages ... GRRRR OH NO >>> They are making changes to X Y & Z and now we will get paid less ... Oooooo that's not in fashion, anybody who is somebody should be waring this ... this month. Dude, your phone is out of date, what is wrong with you? Narr sorry I can't be seen with you, your not waring the right colored jocks. You also are not up to date on the news and your conversation will not do. On and on with the bullshit you see. People are just so easily controlled with such things and it comes mostly from all that time give ourselves over to whatever displays that are always on in a waking moments. Many of us falling to sleep with the BS being programmed into our heads.

Of course many people see this BS happening all around them. It's how many of us become mentally unwell and then later pegged and prescribed with whatever label. Many see it and choose to ignore the true cost and resulting dysfunction. Breaking from the mold is too uncomfortable or moreover those that feed the cycle are simple too comfortable. Comfort is the way we are controlled today. Huxley nailed it to be sure.

So it is that I highlight all the above like so without the need to any conspiracy. All those things I have mentioned are really easy to see. I did not see the slayings by the SAS in Afghanistan, but I do know for a fact after the court appearance of the guy I begged not to kill my outside my front door was in fact Ex-Military. The universe I live in makes it very clear to me without the need to rely on fancy stories. The world in which I live, the life I have lived is enough for me to see as clear as nigh and day that dysfunction of which I speak. Again, no need for some dramatic version or rehashed story of how the universe works. you only need to look out your front door to see what a toxic world in which we live. It's takes a little more to sit quietly and see how the deception works, but that too should be easy enough the loner you live. Chuckles to think of how today we are taught to be afraid of death. Live longer and all that bullshit. Sigh.

... continued next post ... too much text as usual

[Ponder]

Cont ... from above:

How sad it is that those of us who have had enough despite still being so young - are to be ostracized that we no longer want to play along. Is even worse when I see so many young people today walking the streets clinically depressed. Much easier for others to allow themselves to be distracted with BS ideals and politics ... then simply blame and shame those unable to walk the line.

So - what gives? Why do I even bother to live? Possibly because I don't live alone and doing my best to buffer the world's dysfunction from my grandson and knowing what my death would do to my family and or others. The sense of allowing myself to be consumed is ... hmmm ... I really don't know about that actually. I don't have to commit suicide in order to be consumed. Yep - There you have it. That's the problem right there. Many of us are already being consumed. Ending it is not an option because I care too much for my immediate family or those that are destined to be around me and I around them. Family not a word I like anymore as is just as much part of mankind's identify crisis. Just another form of being trapped. Brings to mind Gandhi's take on that. Moreover I know what suicide does to the community as a whole. Not that we have anything of community in our world anymore. We have words to make it look as if we do, but really they are just controlled groups and nothing more.

How to free the the mind whilst living in such a prison? I guess some stories or parables are not such a bad thing. Just have to be wary of where I draw such methods of being from. The adoption of this or that concept the may either improve my being or not. How I come to terms in what I am feeling, myself, as opposed to relying on someone else or a system that instead validates me or not. This being probably the most hung up point of being we are currently at as we are now seemingly dependent on things like - LIKES and likewise instant gratifications of all types.

Well this was one hell of a write up ... I can swallow enough to sleep now. I should give that a try.

Forgive the extreme amount of typos and bad grammar if you will ... although it's really not required. This was good to get out of the way. Once I get over this current illness that's keeping me awake ... I will get back on track with my health. All these things are just my take and what is keeping me down. I can never get back up if I do not allow myself to feel as I do. What I choose to do about it however is often resultant to how I allow myself to feel. It's no longer about my past or never really has been. That's just another trap in what Eckhart often refers to as identity. I keep using his name a bit, but want to make it clear I'm not his groupie like I may at times envision some of his followers as poor lost alphas. Smiles at such a thought as no doubt egotistical on my part to even bother thinking like so. To truly disconnect or be free from such thoughts would see me accepting of everyone no matter what I see.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz letting this one go as is. Back to sleep I hope I go.

Let the defragging begin. ZZZzzz ;)

[Kirk]

Ponder, I hope you feel better soon.

[Ponder]

Hey there Kirk. Your well wishing is gladly received. I think I am passed the worst of it - (Touch Wood) - but sensing it is one of those bouts that heals slowly rather than suddenly. Today is recovery more from lack of sleep and a nagging sore throat. Possible worse for me as I am a mouth breather when sleeping. Hope to be bouncing back with a more optimistic outlook very soon. Thank You Kirk. :)

[salvator here]

Read every word, Ponder.

I hope it helped you in some way to get all that out at least.

Just hope you bounce back soon and recover and get some sleep. Optimistic outlook or otherwise (realistic).. here for you :)

~Sal

[Ponder]

It certainly did Sal. Thanks for the kind words and really appreciated being accepted as is.

Still have a tickle in my throat that is more about about coughing tonight. Bit of a chesty cough at that. Heading off to bed now hoping I get some better sleep.

GOOD NEWS - we MIGHT ... mabey ... might have finally found a more appropriate house to move into. We have been pre-approved before having seen the house. Tomorrow morning we have a look and decide if we want to move on in.

Thanks again Sal - Hope this finds you well. ;)

[Ponder]

Righto! Time to bounce back. Still recovering from the flu like symptoms minus the fever but feeling like it is time to start moving once again. I did put on all weight that I lost but that is OK! I know this move will soon put me back on track in regards to that. Lots to do and lots to plan. I knew if I unpacked my treadmill we would get accepted for a place. No I will pack that back up as well as disassemble the huge tramp out the back. My hope is once the little guy sees me taking down his prime means of regulatory that he will better process the beginning of our next move. He and I can find other ways to process without the tramp and treadmill. He can help with some boxing to be sure. It's all about being inclusive as I have said many times before.

Back on the coffee but that OK too!http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/playful/crazy-tongue-hanging-out-smiley-emoticon.gif

Just kidding ... whatever it takes to get rolling again.

We have dealt with the power transfer dates as well an internet connectivity. The latter always a trigger. lol That said, mobile connectivity is great these days. Even if it is frying my brain.

OK enough with the jokes. On a more serious note driving the truck is not something I am looking forward to. That damn road rage incident still lingers in me when I am on the road in a smaller car let alone a truck. As far as getting a removalist to help - No chance of that. Unless you can afford the high price for those that show respect when handling people and their stuff, you just end up with the type similar to the guy that attacked me. I will always move myself until I brake my back. We have decided to pay two weeks at one place and the other for the overlap. Much easier that way. I'll hire a truck for 48 hours and have all the boxes and furniture position on the ready for the to and fro. Age is a bitch but I can still do it despite the shoulder still on the mend. Thank goodness I still have a strong back. :)

No time to feel sorry for myself now. I am thankful that I will be able to get a couple of hours here and there from my support worker who I will time with the huge upside down fridge. Gotta love those upside down fridges hey. Kind of makes me think who came up with the stupid idea of bending down so low to grab everyday items vs not. Damn thing is heavy though for a modern fridge. When eating healthy I need a fridge like a walk in wardrobe. hahaha ... is true though.

OK - Yummy coffee almost gone now. I best prep the house for the cleaner. I usually rinse, pick things up and sort out the clothes pile and prep the way for her. That way they can do more and a better job. The whole concept with that support means I do a lot more than I otherwise would. That kind of support I feel most people in do not understand. Instead they despise me for having it whilst trapped in their perception of work and what other people owe them. Me ... I learn how to make the most of what's on offer and if I can't get support I will just do what it takes to achieve what it is that I feel I need to do ... not what others tell me I should. This is were opinions split and divide as those who have less repel in feeling they should have more and those whom are not happy in their role think others should have less and struggle more. Bitch of a world ... but fuck it ... I only focus on those who are prepared to help. Lest I find a way to do what needs doing myself. My wife can't help like she used to when it comes to lifting - but she is amazing with all the other things I would be so useless at. I will miss her dearly if she goes first.

What's Next - set the stage did I? Hmmmm Finally a house with more space:
Although there are always people doing it far worse than us. We decided to give our daughter the Master Bedroom with the Ensuite. She even gets air conditioning. I do not! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/penguins/crying-penguin-smiley-emoticon.gif But that is OK - I am really stokes that my daughter will finally get some much needed breathing room. I have this curse that when any of my kids suffer it feels like a knife in my chest. I don't know how to describe it but it really hurts like that.

I sam going on again ... srry guys.

That's a wrap.

Take care and have a good day. On the mend now.

[Ponder]

Getting in the Groove for Whatever Comes Today:


http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/penguins/peppy-dancing-penguin-smiley-emoticon.gif
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-okrWXfS3Ihttp://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/penguins/peppy-dancing-penguin-smiley-emoticon.gif


__________
____
_


Just a little bit of my own pre-programming before I do more packing. I have to admit despite my frustration with it all, I've still been dabbling on Youtube again. Not the muso links, but they too have been fun and rewarding. Just trying to create my own relgion before giving my sales pitch.



I'm in the process of writing a book the will be released in our next life.
Your Savior Coming Soon:
https://i.ibb.co/nQ1109j/ezgif-3-58349d28e105.gif


Just kidding. Or at least I think I am. The internet is such an adventurous place... at the moment. At least for now. Move are constantly being made in Australia to control it. I will just ride with the tunes above and see what comes. I've been getting into didgeridoo vibes (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-MJU63xmsM) of late. Seems to of accelerated my healing and energy levels .. although could just as easily be the coffee as I am caffeine sensitive. Speaking of which I'll have to get back on the straight and narrow come tomorrow.

I see the masses can't make up thier minds with reports of hundreds and thousand of people dying in America and then all those gatherings like chooks penned up in a mass factory. Makes about as much sense as the internet. Go Figure. Bit like that way here too although the numbers nowhere near as reported in other places. One minute is lockdown, then next its opening borders back up to keep the economics happy. Open / Close - Open - Close and so on.

I guess it's tough planning the next mass control stratagem with so many people in the world. https://i.ibb.co/nQ1109j/ezgif-3-58349d28e105.gif

Woops ... Seems I am plagued with attachments this morning. Must of been something to do with my lucid dreaming last night. Sigh.

I best do some more meditations.

Later Guys.

[Ponder]

Hey Sal - Enthydr - If you guys don't mind guitar I share with you a famous Australian Guitarist known as Tommy Emmanuel. I have a signed instructional book of his somewhere ... actually come to think of it I have misplaced it during one of many moves.

Anyways - give him a little time to warm up. He goes through a few different renditions from about half way on and up. Only 5 minutes worth but nice and juicy:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsLGgeK3qCg

I link one of the songs in the above. A full version where you can see him digging deep. I got about half way through it then gave up. I was only using like Tab Edit with a more basic version but it sounded pretty awesome whilst I could remember what my right and left hand were doing. I'm a finger picker myself when ever I play and like very much Tommy's Base over Lyrical style with drum tapping and the lot. That first video pretty much sums up how he can make a guitar sound like 3 or 4 playing different tunes together and the last link a song I tried to master and one that got my attention when I first came across Tommy. He is getting on in age but if anything sounds like his gett better like his solid top guitar no doubt. I can play nothing like tommy but he is my inspiration when it comes to guitar.

Daytripper / Lady Madonna (The Beatles) | Songs | Tommy Emmanuel (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPkQn5nDTZs&list=FL958OYEgwZ0RF7r3p7TW5gQ&index=1543)

Other than that - I also like fingerpicking classical. I find classical gas and link that one. A little different to what I meant but sounds pretty awesome too.


(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPkQn5nDTZs&list=FL958OYEgwZ0RF7r3p7TW5gQ&index=1543)

[Ponder]

Found IT! I thought this was a funny one as the guy introducing him seems to be smitten with Tommy. LOL ... hope you like this one too. Leave you guys to it.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyG69YXorrU

PEACE http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/vulcan-salute-smiley-emoticon.gif

Edit - I swear (re the ending of this video) I don't know why all the Jesus stuff is getting into my posts. GEEZUS Man????????

[Ponder]

OK - Time to pick up my Brothers Guitar and start Practicing. RIP Bro. It's been over 6 years now since his death. I think I can pick it up now. This next rendition nailed it for me. Harmonics I absolutely love, although only able to do very very basic stuff. I know I will never ever be this good, but I do like messing around on the guitar with stuff I can at least remember akin to a meditative riff. Over and over and over ... and over again. If your prone to nozning out on OCD kind of stuff then finger picking with a few learning materials can be fun. I just have not been able to pick up my Bros guitar because these instruments are really an extension of players and I know my bro loved his very much. He also respected my ability and was reason he picked it up. I think it's time to get back into it. I make no promises but just to meditate and learn only a couple of tunes that might see me out for a couple more years. If I am content with my ability in the months ahead, I might even aim to pick myself up a Tommy Styled Martin for more inspiration.

Sorry to of spammed a couple of posts - This was the one that make me bite and unpack my Bros guitar. Of to find some hard to get tommy tab.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cHeNscKZN0

[Ponder]

Actually decides to put the guitar back down and continue simply being a listener.

Reinhardt digs deep in this next one and seems completely unaffected by those around him. Good way to be!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIcICwuN-xY

I'm still perplexed at the God content woven into many of the attractions I have been drawn to of late, but only make note of it given my well known loss of faith and trust when it comes to that side of mainstream conditioning. I think it's obvious that which perplexes me is not the case for these individuals as they do their thing. Quite the opposite it seems.

Having a hard time with chatter in your head?
Awakening from Self-Talk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Afn0NLgByo)All little stories in the head with their own little identities that put exclamation marks on the end! Oh I am suffering! - Can't be giving that shit up now! Poor Me!

... and laughing at it really aint all that bad. At first when you hear others laugh you might take offense as I once did but you soon realise they are not really talking about you. More directed towards that ego that so many feel they need to defend.
Here's a good one on Laughing (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyUG5KnutTo&t=628s): Although I suggest going on a long slow walk to listen to this one.

Righto - time to pack up my bedroom.

[salvator here]

I'm still perplexed at the God content woven into many of the attractions I have been drawn to of lateYeah, same here, I've been also thinking of religion more so than usual and my therapist even mentioned it as I don't normally discuss it very much, because its not an issue normally. But now.. those old teachings surface around this time of year; I think its because the holidays are approaching upon us. We should give ourselves a break in that department...I think its normal. But you only said you were "perplexed" so that isn't too bad, actually.

I wanted to let you know I've been reading your postings, and I'll make my comeback soon.

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal. Means a lot to me.

Christmas/Xmas to me is no more than just another economical gathering. You can't get anymore hypocrisy in one short period than mixing secularism with religion. It reminds me of the gospels (Matthew 21:12-13) detailing how it was that Jesus overturned tables in the temple making his presence felt where he drove out all those buying and selling. It matters little if it happened or not - but the point is about the BS of exploitation in one form or another. I go beyond the scope of dogmatic believers and nonbelievers prefering to see right through the lot of them. The way I read it - Jesus did to.

The teachings of Jesus are not all that bad. Hell, even Eckhart Tolle draws from a few. That said, many christians consider Eckhart as the Antichrist. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rofl.gif Yet, many of the same guys dressing up as demons for Halloween are the same ones who go to church throughout the year. Indeed a very confusing world. All these holidays, including the religious ones are really no different than everyone racing out to get the cheapest deal on X, Y & Z. You got to admit that Boxing Day Sales look no different than a CV frenzy swiping toilet paper off the shelves in one foul swoop.

I mean sure, people get all bubbly around Xmas time with even the biggest ashole can be found at church; working on their profile. Or when something bad happens and the media raises the red, white and blue - all of a sudden masses of people flock to the churches and pray like crazy for fear of whatever. Within a couple of days many go back to banging the neighbors wife, gambling, doing drugs and stabbing each other in the back or just doing whatever it takes to be one up on on the other. Everything goes back to normal.

To me - Holidays are just another form of frenzy spending where if Jesus were alive today he would be out doing a lot more than just up turning tables. Maybe he is saving it all up to come bursting out of the clouds with the wrath of God as described in revelations. According to others it might be an army or draconians instead - however as far as that story goes, as long as there is suffering they will let thing be as they are far too busy feeding of our despair.

Whatever way I look at things - Holidays are toxic point blank no matter what theory people dream up for whatever backstory. I also find the slave mentality driven into the concept called work just as disabling. Alas - that is not to dismiss the fine work of others who enjoy their toil and reward. This is just my point of view regarding holidays and the hypocrisy.
______________________________________________

Spirituality - chuckles how that is also now a peddling industry but it need not be. I think despite that which the Bible highlights as a toxic world that we can still exist within it without having to succumb to all the wants and desires. That's what I mean about many of those teachings still having meaning Vs those who wear the book cover but have no soul. A simple teaching the sticks for me is ... Be in the world but not of the world. It's a little more grey than that which is why I don't pay too much attention to those who thrive on pulling the words apart. For interest sake there are two Verses that deal with this aspect. John 15:19 & John 17:14–16.

One way to dissociate from the worshiping mentality and all other things that may or may not hang one up (/cause resistance or simply trigger) is to replace the 'onus' or the concept of being property or being owned as many love to entail such biblical meanings; is to replace the 'I' for Higher Power or True Self (Higher Power being True 'Self') - where one wakes up to their true self (wake up from the madness of this world - is no longer unconscious [although waking up can still result in another level of insanity ... typically isolation and despair) and decides to no longer participate in the madness. For this the world will hate you - yet if you do not fall victim to said rejection and all its associated suffering but instead draw strength from your higher self then it is said that we can find peace within ourselves.

The thing I would ask you to understand about me is that I personally or no longer subscribe to being owned by an invisible eternity or power source that I have never known ... other than that which dwells within. Yet - whilst I am extremely wary of all religious claims that deal in absolutes, I am open to others who claim that their higher power also dwells within but consider it seperate. I mean like whatever works. I'm no longer talking about religion but about spirituality on a personal level that has nothing to do with group mentality. Unfortunately most people in religion are very much influenced by the group and as sheepish as secular masses. To me such classes are fodder for Huxley's A Brave New World Concept which I feel is pretty much the case with how we are all controlled.

Alas ... I wanted to identify with the BS holiday season, the hypocrisy - yet at the same time explain how it is that I am still open on a spiritual level, still find solace with some of the teaching from various religious texts and so on and so forth.
Also that waking up to the BS in this world is indeed a very lonely affair. How it is that we feel so rejected when we catch on to said BS and how that works. (problem, reaction and solution from external forces which is the framework of mass manipulation - used in both religion and secular society)

Moreover, what is the solution without feeding self created problems and reactions? (re footnote above)
Just that - ignore the reports - news feeds - reported problems and claimed reactions. No need for a solution if we don't beleive in the problems. No that is not ignorance. That said, be prepared for people screaming such terms your way when you say things like, sorry - I don't have a phone number. Sorry, I don't have an email. lol - Can you imagine. Laughs out loud.

Whilst I do have a phone and email ... I am just making a point. I AM TRAPPED as much as anyone else. I'm just thinking out loud is all and very much sick of my phone and email. There are other ways not to participate; but My God - many of them are seen as sacrilege. I mean try telling someone you don't have a phone or email. Laughs out loud again. Seriously - Once you get over the stigma and really take in the looks from behind the counter and those standing behind ... boy oh boy ... talk about perplexed. hahahahahaa. I don't do it often but when I get sick of it all I sometimes say it to gauge just how fucked up most people be.

The other thing that I don't do that is sacrilege is I don't vote. I don't vote in a country that makes it an unlawful act to not vote. In fact it is for that very reason I do not vote. Some mental health professionals might say that is nothing more than a case of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. ODD ... hehe - As I said before - I've instead been written off as 'Unsound Mind' The other knowing for me ... is that it does not matter who gets in ... the game goes on the same. For me I feel compelled to follow my intuition and not to play society's games.

On that note I just refer back to the first Bible Verse. lol A round and round she goes. That is society for you.

Thankfully I don't need society on that level. Yes I jump through hoops and know how to play the game. I also have no problem spelling that out to authorities and professionals. I have the case papers and certifications and really could care less as being seen and labeled as disabled, defective, undesirable. Of course it depends on who you are talking as to the perception that is reflected. When I am sick and tired I am easily defeated in terms of those wishing to exert their training, education and self made power over me - but am I? Perhaps only defeated when I resist. When suicidal there is no resistance so that line of thinking goes blank. On the other hand when I accept the labels and care less ... happy to call a spade a spade - care less for filters and all that BS - I sometimes get lucky and meet a few genuine people on all sides of the fence. That is all I need. Just one meaningful contact every now and then.

For those still reading me - allow me to envisage you as one of them.

Sal ... when your ready dude please link me up to your new thread. I promise to keep my replies under 5000 charters. :) hehe.

Re - post deletions ... I do it all the time too. Just keep posting about whatever whenever ... it's working for me and thanks again for taking the time to read.

Until next post.
Adios.

[Ponder]

Been a while since I have been into this guy. Some interesting concepts to be sure:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXNqcYRR2sU

I'm not a fan of the wishy washing yoga images and most others to be honest as it seems they are using the same brainwashing techniques as most others. lol - hard to get away from and kind of denotes the message imo. That said, I still thought it was a good watch. More positive than most fear mongering concepts and after all the opening up I have done of the past years it seems quite feasible. Depending on your level of comprehension re the terminology and previous talks on topics such as this ... may depend on how much of it makes sense. That said - I'll assume some in here have enough grounding to get the gist and possible also consider it a decent watch.

Of course it's all debatable ... but not my style. I just listen and see what my mind thinks as it often changes and sees differently depending on how much I have allowed it to see over the course of X number of years. My thinking patterns never stay the same. That I leave for the domatic types. Just learning to listen is all.

Huge day for me ... Goodnight. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Today I will adjust the incoming data by altering the code. First I need to make my bed. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/housework/making-the-bed-smiley-emoticon.gif

Manager of the Real Estate is coming over this morning to inspect this home we have been living in. We have been due for one for some time however covid has kind of put that off. All I have to go now before they arrive is doing the dishes, floors and tidy up my room. We like to keep the house spick and span for whenever these kinds of people come to administer their authority. In this latest rental crisis it's been a bit like that. That said it's not good to paint them all with the same brush. We do enjoy having support to help us keep the place very clean and very much respect the environment we live in. To be sure I was struggling very much before I got support and I fully understand those within society that struggle to keep up unrealistic standards where people today have zero tolerance. Given the fact that others in the industry can make you homeless and having dealt with just that ... Given the unreasonable encounters/engagements and power mongers - we to tend to stress when it comes to said inspections which at times can feel like home invasions. That said, miracles can happen and we sometimes meet decent humans. The more I relax, the better I respond. Lately I have not had to run. In the past things stigma gets so bad with different people, that we just spring clean and then leave the house until the 'inspector' has gone. Thankfully my diplomacy skills are somewhat improved these days where before I had none. It is really hard when you get such evil people walking through the place you call home. Stigma can be a real bitch when it comes to people's perceptions of mere renters just as I am sure it can be the same for people who think they own their homes. My son just bought a house a few weeks back. Looking forward to visiting. At least now he can have people stay for as long as he wants and enjoy the freedom of doing as he wishes re gardens and permanent structures. All the best to those fournante who have such a privilege. My conflict is not over who owns what, but more the conditioning that surrounds such toxic principles and how it leads people to become Judge. How it negatively affects us all.

Me ... I have been getting back into my potted garden. It's not very big, but during my recent repotting for the move I have decided to easy up on the computer spending and start adding to my pot plants at the new residence after we move in. Well actually I have already added a few by splitting up what I already have. Sitting outside among my own creation of green I have always loved. It's just been a while. Now my grandson is older I think I might even be ok to bring a few inside. Of course within the confines of the rental agreement. Laughs out loud. Damn homeowners. Grrr - hehe Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh You know the saying - always a few that ruin it for the rest. I think it's more a case of most people these days caring less. Hell I often use that term myself. Although I like to think that is more in terms of negative behaviours where I am actually quite OCD with doing the right thing in what homes that others refer to as 'theirs/mine.'

Forgive the sarcasm as I am sure mine is misinterpreted. I do own a car and have it fully insured. But what does that even mean. First I would have to cite the value to give it meaning and that meaning would be different for different folk depending on the numbers and their invested standing. The higher the number the more invested we become. The whole thing with ownership, possessions and property is so disabling. Believe me I say this as someone that owns a lot of things. Yes we renters in the west on welfare still have way more than those considered poorer in so called 3rd world countries. Again I am sure my filler terms are miss understood. I will suffice in knowing what I mean. So many of those we considered poor are far better off than we think. The more we have and think we own, the more arrogant we become. I think Greg hits the nails with his statement re how much hate is being spawned in our world at this current time. I am sure it's affecting me with the following.


Meanwhile back in another portal in my head: Why Were You Making devil noises last night?


Sigh ... what else shall I dismiss or dispell. Not sure why, but last night but my daughter popped her head in my room and asked why I was making devilish sounds. Like hissing in a very distinct evil way exhaling with a lot of anger and bitterness. Like I know why my daughter popped her head in to ask wtf was going on and even now my wife just popped in (coincidence I am sure) whilst typing this now to also ask wtf is up with the devil noises last night. True as. Sigh. Come on guys ... am I really the only one? OK OK ... Thank the devil I have this thread. Phew.

All it really is ... is toxic memories that pop in from nowhere when I am feeling stressed, having pushed myself too much (like I feel I did yesterday) where my mind gives in to that which I don't think we easily give up re past traumas and so on. I also think all this acknowledge of this fucked up world/prison I have be writing about is also impacting me to be sure. Now that said, I don't feel the need to stop writing about reality as I come to see it and at other times unable to see or make sense. Just because I have a few valves that start hissing in my sleep and or prevent me from sleeping, imo is not something I think I ought to write myself off with. Although my daughter and wife seem to disagree. I feel it is pretty harmless as far as the others go ... I mean as long as they now know it's me and not some invisible entity down the hall - they don't have to stress nearly as much as my hissing. rofl ... seriously you got to laugh.

It is what it is. Literally better out than in and whilst during the episode I feel like I am bursting at the seems - I generally feel pretty good the next morning because of how I view such things. I just allow it as I do during the experience. To sit here stress on whether I am being spiritually attacked, or perhaps it's the Irradiated Food, 5G, Sonic Stations, Plane Flying Overhead, Reptilians, Agenda 21 Agents, Triggered Implants, Previous Vaccines, My New Wifi Router combine with Everyone Else's, the Power Point next to me head or the TV and Social Media Add Campaigns and so on and so forth ... to take all that to heart and invest in all the pop out groups would surely not do me any good. That said - I do tend to take it all in out of fascination and given the last presentation by Greg Braden ... it makes sense how all that information takes from in one way or the other.

It is indeed very powerful stuff. Hmmm. I even found myself pondering during my hissing. I was very much beside myself whilst experiencing. If I were not, I would of probably would of ripped my room apart which would not do as I live with my family. I have no problem with what happened and took the time to explain this morning to both my wife and daughter who don't understand it as I have explained. I can break it down somewhat in clinical terms to my therapist who I am sure can address it as stress induced - / triggered unresolved trauma to which is already deemed permanent. The latter almost like an accepted excuse to a more systemic problem that affects us all in a decaying universe that is reaching its peak. Hmmm interesting take I am sure influence by the summer of Greg's take in the above link.

No doubt some resistance taking place within which is best expelled esoterically in ways and means that can be allowed to blow this way and that.

Resistance is futile ... lest one start hissing all the more.

Adios
Until next post. ;)

EDIT - Hey Kirk ... just wanted to say in here, lest I take up more space than I already have in the other forum user's thread ... Full respect to your reply. The essence in that sounds on par for me. Thanks Kirk.

[Ponder]

The following just a ramble ... or more some reflection as I tire of so many paradoxes between all the different stories. I will link the two videos that promoted me on this train of thought and copy and paste my notes as is.

This following is a three part series - I started with part two then went onto three:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5bEQC6TTeM

Then the presenter answers his own question at the end of part two; in part three below:
Stories as Identities: Who Are We Without Them? (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sWdBo-k2iA&list=PLNwwHxpB-dkwXVUYJUEZusEKIFAmqvSd8&index=3)

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Then my take ← not my story ... as I am done with those. I still have demons I would do well to embrace.

Two thirds of the way in (Part 3: Cosmic Salvation – re the link above: Stories as Identities: Who Are We Without Them?) this presentation leads to a metaphysical perspective of the Hero’s Journey that questions humanities affinity which constantly seeks meaning within a monomyth. Why do we continually tell stores according the same hero’s journey? I do not feel such storytelling is something we we are born with. I see it as a tool we are conditioned with. I think more the basis of a primary program that fits well into the concept of Simulation – AKA -Matrix. However that's just another story. Another program. Perhaps a well-designed universal principle that keeps the human experience on a perpetual never ending loop? A loop until such a time as Gregg Braden suggests (in his series ‘missing links’) can only be ended/broken via information overload or a sudden change that corrupts/interrupts the program that he suggests is our schooling; others say our prison.

All that said, I do feel Gregg Braden and metaphysical teaches use the hero’s journey to fit their own agenda. That this foundation of storytelling is not so much the cause of conflict and confusion but more so the quest of so many busily being their own heroes giving rise to our worlds current lack of empathy.

Gregg states that we are here to learn a lesson for where we are going? To me this be in direct conflict and opposition with other ‘stories’ that would educate us believe there is a more sinister plot to the simulation/matrix. In this concept/story I tend to see this so called universal principle of storytelling no more than a program that keeps us bound via the subversion of created groups that do more to disable then enable. It uses the art of storytelling to subdivide whilst deceptively looking to empower groups. Such adventures are continually sort through external means through watching rather than experiencing. First they watch, then they experience. If I can’t succeed in reality I’ll continue as a surrogate. I myself I find that very attractive as I sit and watch the advent of AI currently being implemented. I give up easily to a seemingly impossible task of breaking free from a world that feels more like a prison. I binge watch as an addict struggling to experience my own life naturally. I find much is lost on the level of being human when it comes to today’s programming. To be human in an inhumane world is to hard. Much easier to be imprinted as a wannabe hero/winner.

Hence, I am wary of culturized art forms and or the art of storytelling and heed Tolle’s warnings when it comes to the identification of such creations. This way I feel I do far better to steer clear of those creations that do more to confuse and create suffering that would not otherwise exist ← if I was not watching. That’s just it – I find many paradoxes with Gregg Braden’s own presentations yet he says it himself – just does as Alan Watts says alludes to life's irony. It’s when you stop seeking that the paradox stops. It is in this knowing I feel it is … why most stories I watch today feel so empty. I see know what it coming next as it's always the same plot within the story. Problem, reaction and solution. Obtaining, gaining and rewards. Sex, violence and Excess.

Ever since the road rage incident I posted about some months ago or thereabouts … where I lost control of my bowels and begged for my life that as really thought it was going to tragically end ... that I have now seemingly lost all desire to participate in the hero’s journey. I was already nearing my end but, that chapter in my life tipped the scales where I am now coming to another crossroads in my so called story. My writings for now are my own means to create and make sense as best I can ... whilst still suffering/existing. Yet in that thought … another paradoxe rises as I ponder to wrestle with my thoughts. To which I would do better to dispel the monkey ... dispel the demons that pose as savoirs with warm and fuzzy theories.

This is why for me Tolle’s teachings offer me more. He really knows how to do away with such forms of thought. Whilst I still watch the odd story for mindless distraction, I feel I have outlined well that pros and cons … more so cons as to why I care less for stories and their telling. I know that probably sounds like a dull perspective, but given the subversion and deception I see such tools being – I find much more solace and peace in not knowing or no longer experiencing. At least not in a way that only seeks to experience for the sake of telling stories. In that regard I feel I have experienced more than enough. I find it helpful that perhaps I am not ... as Gregg Braden describes in his own story/theory ... that I or none of us are really here?

Can I get by without feeding my egos desire to know it all? I see the sense in being open to different texts – without investing any emotion, hope or desire – so in that I might be better able to see the sign posts that others create that have no need for winning, losing, obtaining or reward. This is where I find the metaphysical deliveries fall apart of me. At least those that claim we exist to be more, win, receive and be the best we can be. I see those sales pitches falling into the simulation/programming in a way that keeps repeating that sees yet another paradox spawn. Thus … like I say … this is where I take the simplicity of Tolle’s teaching that in essence has no story or any need to pitch a theory.

I’m done – I’m done experiencing – I feel no desire to experience and in that I feel no loss. If anything, I feel a sense of freedom the more I connect with that knowing. That I no longer want to play this so-called cosmic game. In my desire not to desire I find not the holy grail of bliss … it's more about finding space best defined as a moment of peace. Fleeting at best when first no longer being getting your fix with delusional stories. The more I practice non existence the longer those moments of peace. To feel the living in my hand, as Tolle suggests, I best achieve this when I pretend I am no longer living. Simply being in that moment is my new story without the need to write, tell or think of anything. At least I wish or perhaps that is my purpose in this new found desire to no longer desire.

Quiet and mundane is more appealing to me than the drama of my so-called past lessons. If this existence is really a school then I am done learning. I will concede to be receptive of other humans that feel as me. I do concede I still see color in the rising and setting of the sun despite no longer wishing to be. I still feel the essence of life when I hug my grandson. I still feel the joy when I see my wife, sons and daughters smile. Although the more they identify with whatever story the less I see. However, I will not pretend there is a happy feel good ending to the world I currently see. Thankfully I am getting learning more how to appreciate the empty space in between.

Gateway of Silence (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IF-3jrc1oA)
The best part of any story is that which we cannot hear. The rest is meaningless where - nothing - has become my new found purpose. In this I can love my friends and family more and perhaps one day tolerate that which I must endure; others. In the meantime I'm attentively binging on silicene.

[Ponder]

Now having said all that ... here is a break down of the movie Dr Sleep:
Perhaps this will help me understand the demon voice that manifests in my sleep.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Te5Gv9VOb8

[Ponder]

Talking about reality. Here is a masterpiece with zero hollywood stick that Australia has censored from being shown on Amazon Prime. Does not surprise me given the war crimes Australia (I don't subscribe to being Australian just because I was born and live here) are now being investigated for regarding in Afghanistan. Apparently Canada disbanded their SAS for similar crimes. At least it is available in the US. Although they too are just as guilty when it comes to war crimes. Point is - humans have not learned a thing and we seemed destined to keep repeating the same mistakes just as Gregg Baden explains in many of his presentations.

It matters little what side your on or which one you make excuses for. This video pretty much focuses on the fact that in war there are no winners. Just as the continued war crimes go on today by all countries, so too many of the social media comments reflect just how brainwashed people still be. I beleive it was the Zeitgeist Series that revealed Hero's Journey framework for storytelling being on par with religion when it comes to mind control. Hollywood are now the masters of such control.

Because of the way we are conditioned,especially in the west, I don't think this film will resonate with many. However, I feel most people who have been rejected by society on a hardcore level (a beleive a few in this forum) may understand the reality and deeper meaning in this war movie. It's not about CGI battles or heros ... none of that whatsoever. Zero glorification. My wife found a link to the full movie from a Russian website as a general youtube search from my Australian ISP did not give me any results. At least not for the full movie.

I recommend watching the review I have linked below first: Although I don't beleive everything I see and head on my screen, I found this guy's take somewhat helpful. I watched it before I dove into the full length feature. A few things he mentioned resonated ... where I also had a few of my own feelings come to bear when watching it myself. I'm not a fan of the title re the linked review. I think it reflects the drama we struggle to let go of. That said there are a lot of reaction videos that miss the point entirely. I think this guy pretty much got it with the ending at least. Many commenters went down the route of hero worship and glorification justifications. Allies and all the BS. I don't suspect many conditioned westerners will get it. However I do feel many rejected individuals will understand the falibility of humanity that this film expresses so well.
The Scariest Film Ever Made ISN'T a Horror Film (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RR0R7zsd7D8&fbclid=IwAR0AmFvLjWeCcfAD0R7XrqgdG3gZHhNLv_quQUfBJ 0N9CBFznEHiRmWwDck)


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Hear is the full length movie on Youtube. It's has english subtitles although the imagery and straight to the point narrative makes for easy reading. Very refreshing. Wish there were more films like this.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJYOg4ORc1w&fbclid=IwAR3klFQfFtXR42d4eoaQR s_cGg5ILLfANxO9lVcVLxkbzhic3j6FFPvxZC0

One Youtube Comment that hits the mark:
"... Man the kid in "Come See" starts out as a typical fresh faced kid eager to fight but by the end he looks like a 70 year old man weary of the world..."

[Ponder]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yf0G2MPBEYM

0:00 Introduction: A Cinema of (Anti-)War
6:30 Part 1: Cultures of Heroism
14:01 Part 2: The Nature of Evil
21:28 Part 3: Glorious Suffering
27:21 Part 4: Holy Wars
33:44 Part 5: Sacrificial Lambs
40:21 Part 6: Hero Worship
45:13 Part 7: Comfortable Icons

__________________________________________________ _____

FACT FOR ME - I now struggle very much with violent films than I used to. (Although 'Come & See' was easy for me) I am also growing weary of most stories. At least those in mainstream. Most of all ... my own. Although this is not a story. This be more my conclusion of above. It's jumbled and most likely will not make sense but that is OK. It just part of my own process. Just trying to convince myself. My take is always changing. What I miss now - I sometimes see later on. Then again sometimes what is shown to most I am better without. This is more about personal growth that does not require validation or the need to be understood. Connecting with others is appreciable, not a necessity.
_______________________________

FWIW My Take.

The best I can surmise with how the video presenter puts it … whom himself refers to the author ‘Ernest Becker’ and makes the following claims which I am now paraphrasing for my own understanding and context.


That man’s instinctive urge to transcend death through symbolic significance via the use of hero systems and how those systems have destructive consequence by projecting our fears and weaknesses onto others – that these things are not a condition to be overcome but are a necessity to enable us to stand life.

This does not sit well with me. I will explain shortly.

He then goes onto specifically quote:

Ernest Becker:
The fact is that men cannot and do not stand on their own powers. Moral dependence is a natural motive for the human condition and has to be absolved from something beyond oneself.

I understand the terms ‘beyond oneself’ could be interpreted as ‘within self.’ However, given that the YouTube presenter then states the meaning of that quote implies we need all these stories filled with heroes, villains and meaningful action.

It falls apart here for me as the stories themselves are projected from a stand point where the presenter earlier implied – that these telling’s are spawn from systems that have destructive consequence by projecting our fears and weaknesses onto others. You only have to watch the video again to see how the negative dynamics work so well. So well in fact, that the fed desires undermine that which offers us significance. He says it himself throughout this video. I would say the condition not to be overcome is more a case of humans being unable to appropriately relate to that which is significant because of the belief systems inherent in producers. This being secondary to social conditioning where people will see what they want to believe. Yet both have an impact on the other.

The programming within stories as delivered in the mainstream (as discussed with the tool of hero's journey) reflects current values systems and ideals all which can be seen as part of social engineering. In this context the concept of Hollywood Magic being an influencing tool is as valid, however the conditioning does not start there.

________

Perhaps I do better to discount the beginning of the intro of conclusion by saying this implied instinctive urge to transcend death is something I see more as a condition of fear that is taught to us. Taught through the stories and their systems that we are now talking about. Eckhart Tolle on the other hand seems to be more about detaching from 'stories.' The main difference between these authors as best I can see, is that one seems more reliant on the use of stories whilst the other is about detaching from such streams of thought. One is easily prone to being conditioned by the residual suffering to that which said stories emulate for the viewer to subscribe on whatever level, whilst the other offers a way in which to unsubscribe so that they can live life without the need to be directed.

I leave it at that. It’s definitely a good watch that reveals a lot ... so, I go ahead and post this. I just don’t feel the ending is for me. I sense the hypocrisy in myself as I claim one thing and then seemingly do another. I do see the world as one big program but just so many clichés and paradoxes in all the takes being made which is why I am sensing more and more that people are being consumed by the same program the more they try to find solutions.

I think we all have to be our own authors and rewrite the stories as we watch them but in a way that does not seek to be a story for the telling other than letting go of that which keeps us from being. The easy way out, is to always read or watch someone else's story.

[Ponder]

Whatever way you look at the video 'Lies of Heroism – Redefining the Anti-War Film,' presents more to disclose the way in which we are easily led Vs the denial in those parts of us that would dismiss as much. Ultimately that's what I found appealing and reason why I shared it.

Righto - Today my wife and I take our grandson to see a santa. We are going very early. Although the sensory santa this year is unavailable due to CV, people still have to book an appointment to see the guy in red at the mall. Talk about stories. ... Chuckles ... "Have you been good or bad?" Why my wife must persist with these things, I do not know - but who am I to start educating my grandson before he has had a chance to have the rug pulled from beneath his feet. All in good time. :)

What's else is happening.

I admit I am struggling with eating once again. Doh! The heat is really bad and the island of shore is still burning. Dealing with the smoke is the worst. It's been like 7 to 8 weeks now. They can't use salt water to put it out as doing so is detrimental to plant regeneration.

So I start walking all over again. I feel like a kid that has to keep getting back on his bike. Every Time I fall off, I eat like shit, body suffocates and gets all stiff + always super fatigued. When I do it right I get better sleep, move more easily and in less pain + have more energy. Despite age and hard yards taking effect, it does make sense to keep getting back on the bike.

Hell - I might even go jump on my bike and stick to the less traveled paths while I can find them.

Support is coming today - I think we just go get some shade and maybe move a few things in preparation for the move. I'm going to start using the car we have as well as the support person's ... from about this tuesday on. I hired a truck for two days - but think we might do it all in one. If I do my wife will bagger me. Hmmm - I think we best do it in two. The recovering joints in my busted shoulder, I feel like they have been pushed more than they currently should. Given the type of surgery it's still not that long ago. I really should not be doing this move re my shoulder - but I think I should be OK despite the current pain. Like I will move our gear whatever happens.

OK ... on my bike. I'll try not to bust my other shoulder.http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/bike/bike-riding-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

Very relevant to my latest reflections. Uncanningly so. Eckhart briefly discusses the way movies manipulate although forgiveness is very much the focus re breaking the cycle of pain and suffering. Not much else to say as it's all covered quite coherently in the following clip:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6sopIKFJeU

Possibly worth reflecting on in the morning. No doubt. ZZZzzz

[Ponder]

Hi Sal. I read your post and thought I would reply here as I feel I am just taking up space or encroaching on others when posting in someone else's spot.

Sorry your feeling lonely man, but glad you can express your dealing with it.

I really don't know where I stand with others in here but having said that I am going to keep doing/ writing what works for me.

I'm all of the the fruits and veggies - but since moving house I am now relaxing on that push with fast food for the moment ... sushi rolls and kebabs with a few frozen dinners whilst going backwards and forwards.

As you know your always welcome in here but understand if you or others are not chiming with me of late. Can't expect everyone to be on the same frequency all the time.

That said , thinking about you. ;)

Just taking a brake now before getting back into it. Once again - wanted to let you know I do wish you well.

[Ponder]

Mega day - set up the big trampoline by myself and did not get back to the old house we are still in till about 9pm. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz The tramp takes ages because I installed the roof as well as side walls. It's a high end model with a LOT of hooks and attachments + still has a lot of tension which is good. Did more car loads today and will do some more tomorrow as well. ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz really starting to feel age these days. Shoulder is sore but holding out well all things considered.

Night night.

[salvator here]

Thank you, Ponder :)

[Ponder]

Damn posted in wrong section - Deleted then reposted here → Sal … I really like your spirited approach, even when dealing with the life draining stuff.

What did stick out in your previous comment and struck a chord with me, was the loneliness factor. Many times, I feel that way myself. So, I found something I would like to share with others as I generally like to do. I don’t always fully get the stuff I share, but I find if it helps, it can’t hurt to put it out there.


_________________________
With regards to the following Eckhart clip:


Because I have a partner and family living with me I found it more helpful to replace the term ‘relationship’ with relationships. Fact is after 30+ years with my wife and now finding myself sleeping in my own bed, life can still get pretty lonely for me. The dynamics are different for different folks to be sure.


The guy in the following clip asking Eckhart Tolle for advice has money, travels the world, has plenty of gadgets and seemingly in a good place; except he is still lonely regardless of those things.


What I got out of this talk:
That loneliness is a transformative process. The discomfort in feeling alone has the potential for us to find self-acceptance through a deep sensing of the self; in the present. The latter being something most of us today are disconnected with – even when alone. It’s more about the awareness of true self when being in the present for so long that we no longer feel the need for desire and wants. (The desire for that conditioning I often talk about - we start not to fit into the world as is - yet that is another facet)

That desire to have that which we once had or or never did is the pain of loneliness. The condition of such is mostly based of the physical things which all to often keeps us from our true being. In such a state we are always in the past and or future. loneliness when in such a stream of thought can at times be more agonizing when in the presence of others. There seems only two ways to go when being like so. The 1st is we become more deeply rooted and in many cases develop a new-found dependence on negative emotions. The 2nd more rewarding as we start to sense the being within ourselves in a way that brings relief: even when we don’t understand what is going on. I struggle to put that into words.


I just let Eckhart explain it … although it’s good for each of us to reflect on and for our – self. Eckart hits the nail on the head when he talks about ballance when humans seek being on one side and then being remembering it's also human on the other. Being Vs Doing or Doing Vs being. Perhaps I be too much. LOL - or need to do more doing. Each to their own. Good luck working that one out.



Apologies if this rubs off the wrong way. I also need to deal with this too. Most of my ramblings for the most part are just a form of self talk that seeks to find solitude amidst the pain and suffering I am prone to. It helps me very much. I really hope your able to get something out of this as well.. Only 13ish minutes long.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeQJw8AKOyw

[salvator here]

Again, thank you for that. I just read it and will process it tonight and hopefully have a better response tomorrow.

That was very helpful to me and I just needed that reminder, and you see, now, I don't feel as 'lonely' and nothing has changed other than reading your posting, I by myself and prefer it to the alternative of dealing with other peoples drama, that I was never very good at handling, I saw it as a unfortunate consequence to friendships. I'll remember what you said about it being a "transformative process". A process I I DO desire to go through and reach the other side, because, that feeling of loneliness, for me, is a symptom of deeper despair. Other people can't help anyway, I think best described as Broken Psyche and over time and deep reflection, I need to pull together what is left to (re)create myself into what I consider a human being.

Honestly, this time of the year is always rough, always was, which is (partly) why I used to drink myself into a coma to get by it (past it), but that wasn't properly dealing with the issue and that is no longer an option for me anyway; especially because my body/health has suffered as a result of that poor coping mechanism. My body couldn't withstand that abuse presently.

Sorry to have taken it there on you, but you said it was okay with you and I'm being honest and true. Sobriety from here on out - no other way for me.

Yeah, of course I talking about x-mas here mostly. Oh and I did read your past posting regarding what you consider that holiday to mean to you, and I like that, and that was also helpful.

My spirited approaches (postings) here are genuine, Often times concerning me, during times of sadness I feel the duel (opposing) emotion of humor.. which is why you see that come through many of my sometimes conflicted polar opposite postings here. They are the real me. Maybe its how my brain helps me deal, I don't know. Could be also I'm just a "silly willy". See, I'm doing it now. HA! Turned from serious to the polar opposite. I can't help it. Just me I suppose and I think you get me.

But as I sit here writing this it went from that to worry and uncertainty and I'm (again) considering just closing the page and giving up, but I won't. Ugh, all over the place as of late I admit it.

Gonna, stop here for now and just post this as is. It a little after 10PM and I should prepare to get into sleep mode and just wash the day off because it was honestly pretty rough. Tomorrow will be different and we'll see, I guess. I never know what to expect from day-to-day.

I appreciate that you shared your own struggle with this, and what you're currently dealing with. I recon open and honest will sever us well going forward.

So much more to say and in due time I'll will. No just because you're helping me, because I do actually think about you often. as well as others here, and I truly DO care... I mean it.

We'll be 'good as new' soon enough I'm sure. :-)

~Sal

EDIT: Its now 10:30 after several edits. More came to me after I posted and wanted to share it with you.

[Ponder]

I'm hearing ya Sal. :) - I re read too as I am always never finished my posts when I hit enter. My whole life is a continuous phase of edits. lol. I think it's a great practice myself. Very helpful. Thanks so much for the read.

Now is not the best time for me. Completely exhausted. Getting ready for bed. Your post deserved at the very least before I drop off an acknowledgement and gratitude.

Polar opposite syndrome. Love it. Like not the insanity part but the breakdown fits really well for the human condition.

Whatever tomorrow brings I am all good with.

I'm not a drinker so let me know what your having Xmas time and I'll have one to. Be sure to check in here if you get a chance. Happy to cheers an iced tea, ginger beer or some other non alcoholic beverage with ya. I will be having something naughty like a piece of ham though.

Thanks again for sharing with me. Much appreciated.

Hope this finds you well brother. : )

Good night from the southern part of this world. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

OK - first things first ... a little morning jazz:

Hope this helps: :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-2TaN77gD4

Last night I was so depleted. I reread this morning and it was like you were in my room.

I’ve always understood you to be someone who likes their own space. You’ve always been clear about that. I always enjoy hearing you say it every time. So many people struggle to actually sit beside themselves that when I hear others contented to do so - I find it encouraging and as easy on my ears as this morning jazz.

I find during those times you do use humor, you often use it well in leading the way to tackling that part - in the bottle that still lingers. So to speak. Sure, at times we may feel we have come apart, but we have both shown through our writings that perhaps we are not as broken as we thought. (... not meaning to dismiss but empower with that previous thought.) You just write so much more concisely than I and with much better humor. : ) That said, I love your long posts when you do them. Hey bro – regarding humans:
___________

If I may borrow a few words of yours. Your touching on the complexities of human beings and our definition of that being spawn from a ‘Broken Psyche over time and deep reflection’ ← [Well put Sal] … Just know that whilst in that state and that being generally known where we make a lot of mistakes, this does not mean our perceptions necessarily be distorted ones. I have come to see that we should not think any less of our conclusions just because we feel we don’t fit in. All too often we are quick to dismiss our summaries of experience; especially when we come out the other end hurt. It’s during those moments we despair like so, because we are in fact seeing the clearest than we have ever been. [This I will speak more about in my next post]

To be sure the process I allude to still takes effort but more a case of allowing those human distinctions, divisions and differences that plague us like so … OR ... more so to practice the process of allowing those emotions to just be just as they are … to allow the process of enduring without laying more blame and shame. We may be able to leave the bottle behind, but emotions will always be with us for the rest of our lives. Another way to look it - Hmmm - The bottle may no longer be in the house, however, If we don't allow the backwash in the bottle to expel itself, then we will forever always ever suffer with a bad taste. That is if I may be so bold to speak as one addict to another. Possibly more a beer drinkers analogy 'The day after with an empty bottle' with wine and spirits being sweeter. I think you get the drift
__________


PS - more thoughts. lol
I found a good link way back in my Youtube history with insights on How to Allow / Accept What Comes To Mind. No matter how despairing it may be.
I share that with my take on how to approach the teachings of a western monk offering such wisdom. I still have a lot of bias that gets in the way of the said message. Yet he nails it on so many levels that it's definitely worth me posting and reflecting as much if not just to learn how to better write with more understanding.


Up Next :)
How Mindfulness Creates Understanding

[salvator here]

Hey Ponder..

Just needed to quickly let you know I read your postings. Yes, indeed, I know all too well being almost totally depleted feels like, and today is to no exception. Just a rough night extended into my day, so at least I have something to tie it into. I didn't recover last night at all.

Of course, I have lots to say after reading and absorbing what you wrote, but, unfortunately, I'll have to attempt another time to express myself.

thanks for the video and sometimes it can be so relaxing.

I appreciate everything you wrote, and it means a lot that you are personal when you write. I'll surely be thinking about it today, no doubt. :)

[Ponder]

No rush - take your time Sal. I've had to take a couple day's break of the self reflecting. I did well to write when I did in between all my running around.

https://i.ibb.co/qrDPxwq/20201214-053047-1.jpg

Don't get me wrong though … once I have fully unloaded and unpacked, I understand fully how hard it is to keep posting at the best of times. Let's just say its the nature of the best and let the be as is.

Your most welcome to see my personal and glad your able to get that side of me. I wish I knew more about some of the folk online but can respect it's a process opening up. It's been a while since I have done any vids and have since deleted quite a few. Things never really stay the same. That said I'll post some pics of the new place in the coming weeks once full unpacked and things have settles. I really want to get onto it as quick as I can as I think doing so will better assist the little fella who seems quite happy with extra space. We went ahead and gave his mum that largest room with ensuite and walk in robe. My friend helping asked why we gave her the master bedroom. In a nut shell we are doing whatever we can to keep her living with her son whilst the Family Court Case still looms.

It's a hard story that one. I might even touch on it more as that also adds a lot of stress to our lives. It's not so much the extra responsibility, but the unknowns and impact of that could have on the little guy that worries us. Yet we are very careful not to project our worried. My grandson is actually doing very well on all fronts despite the surrounding dynamics. We are also doing all we can to encourage our daughter's relationship with her don as well. Yadda Yadda. Like I say ... I do well to write more about it later.

For now I have to cute and run. Go fill the truck up and then return it. Thankfully I have someone to come with me. I absolutely freak out at the petrol stations and so on. ;)

Thanks Sal ... and to all reading on.

Excuse typos ... I am late but will check later on.

[salvator here]

You're very welcome :)

I'm just happy if I was able to let you know you aren't alone, at least not here.

Tell you what.. lets just shelf the the last few postings and the content for now as I'm certain there will come a time when we can revisit that important and valuable insight. Lets indeed take that break from self reflection and go back to the basics of survival for now. I think you may need this thread (and should) to journal, vent or whatever to get through everything. I have faith in you. Wishing you well and sending you positive vibes even when not online here, and may this change in life be one that will help give you and your family new strength, purpose, vitality, and perhaps allow you to let go of anything that was dragging you down, and put that chapter behind you and start this new chapter.

While you've been helping me, just knowing you care is enough for me.

We can certainly talk about that 'How Mindfulness Creates Understanding' anytime, and I'm glad your last posting was not about that. We should prioritize right now and we (both) have a lot on our plate(s) to deal with. Don't worry, if I need support, I'll surely (but, please don't call me Shirley...haha) create a thread. Right now, my plan is just to get through each day and somehow keep it together enough to enjoy my walks.

No need to reply at all and just know I'll be reading and pulling for you. :)

OK..

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Do you smell carrots? :D

[Ponder]

My reflections are not so taxing for me as I've logged up thousands and generally find them more like a jog around the block than anything else. I hear ya though. When I am in the forum writing, it generally means I am doing well. Mornings are my best, when I review topics I have been gleaning.

Seems everyone is busy with little forum activity. Probably to do with that time of year as you previously mentioned. I will only post from this self made thread and possibly the odd 'off topic' location regarding my space interests. I choose to do this as has been on my mind for weeks. I do not like the forum activity listing as when others don't post it seems all about me. That said, I will not let my thoughts on that stop me from doing what I like to do. I like writing. To me it's just another form of medicine.

I understand you'll be on the side with others. All good. Just saying I will continue on as I do. You just pull and push when you feel like it. ;)

[Ponder]

Something a little light hearted. The following video is my grandson and a new rug we just picked up to help soften the mood after all the moving we have just done.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFqgiB255GA

Until next post ;)

[Ponder]

I'll keep this one short and sweet too. Lots to do. I have been instructed by a close friend to begin researching 'How to Start an Off Grid Community' It's one of those topics you can talk over and over but never sees the light of day. My friend's business is steadily expanding and he does seem poised to make good on his latest goals. Another major success for him by early 2022 means he will soon thereafter be looking to purchase 150 acres of quality land.

It was my self sufficient life-styling ways that really seemed to connect my friend and I when I first met this fellow. Ironically I have been sucked backed into the suburban way of living whilst my friend, in his ongoing bouts of success now relishes the lifestyle that once sustained both my wife and I; living off the land. I have nothing financially to offer other than my experience, like mind and long term friendship.

It sounds like one hell of a research project. If only to have something new on the drawing board that makes for one hell of a distraction - then I am all in.

Commune anyone? :)

[salvator here]

Something a little light hearted. The following video is my grandson and a new rug we just picked up to help soften the mood after all the moving we have just done.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFqgiB255GA

Until next post ;)That was cute; thanks for sharing it................:)

[Ponder]

I often hug him to charge up my batteries but he won't let me go as he likes to overcharge me until I explode. :)

Oh man - I am not handling the heat very well. I am overtired and suffering headaches. I really need address this one way of the other. Lot's of stress I guess and change of environment. Diet for sure, but worth mentioning the other stuff. Will drink more water and go for a short walk tonight.

In the meantime I share this micro doco on Elon Musk's Starship SN8. Yawns ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz All good.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrVqLhhd1zo

[Ponder]

Morning check in. Feeling a little better today. Still a lot of it left and I have a few things in mind to declutter. Set Up Treadmill a must. Other than that I have a parcel to pick up downtown and I might start some yard work if the overcast weather and temps do not increase.

Talking about hellish weather ... I acknowledge my attempts at weight loss keep failing however I will keep trying even if the process of climbing the first couple of hurdles is repetitive. The hardest part is dragging myself out of bed when I wake up feeling suffocated, stiff/cramped, in pain, extremely weighted and sluggish. At least the headaches have eased today. That is something. It's also a little cooler ... touch wood. I chuckle to think we just bought a leg of ham. One of if not the most toxic of all meats on the market. Yet it's the world's most highly sought after for this time of year. Even when you have it in moderation, poison is still poison. That said, given that my daughter is back on the vegan bandwagon and my grandson is repulsed at the fact the leg actually looks like a leg ... laughs out loud ... + my wife does not eat the much, I guess I will wind up eating most of it by myself.

Perhaps I will go back on the vegan bandwagon once I have demolished the ham. No more pigs after this. I best go setup that treadmill. Not that it's going to undo the damage any time soon.

New house, new beginnings, baby steps. More like little small cramped ones that I have will loosen up soon.

As for depression, anxiety and procrastination ... I know what to do. I just have to eat that ham and see this time of year through. Then I'll get back on the apples.

On with My Day ... all good ;)

[Ponder]

Another day done of what still feels like recovery. Steady as she goes. It appears as if I have a long, hot and sultry summer to contend with. Mind is still confused during my sleep but nothing more than part of the process to which I have allowed myself to arrive at. Hopefully I can allow myself more clarity over the coming nights. Not going to stress over it though.

I completed yesterday's set tasks. Today sort out the garden shed boxes and thus free up more space from the garage. Possible sort out a little extra as well. Go purchased some whipper snipper cords and complete the yard late this arvo by doing the edges.

Above all - stay strong on my hydration and stick to the salads and veggies.

Overall I had a pretty good win yesterday despite the uncomfortable dreams.

We are what we focus on. That's a tough one though when you consider what is staring us in the face this day and age. Smiles. For me, the former still stands. The latter much easier to fall victim and or self sabotage.

Just working on my mind set. The following nails it for me on many levels. I said I would write about this one but will save my energy for now. Instead I give it another listen and set up a routine to make that practice a part of my day. Need not be a chore as I can do during various tasks throughout my day. A good way to be.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFqdlfeq7wE&t=728s

[salvator here]

We are what we focus on. That's a tough one though when you consider what is staring us in the face this day and age. Smiles. For me, the former still stands. The latter much easier to fall victim and or self sabotage.Hey there, Ponder.. I agree completely with that statement!

Know the nightmares all too well myself these days, I also don't read into them that much anymore.

Overall, you seem to be on a good pathway given the new changes in your life.

Its good to see you and wanted to check in with you today :)

[Ponder]

Greetings Sal. Made my day seeing you pop by. Not sure why the others are so quiet? I hope they are doing ok. Just curious is all. I rode my bike today. That said I might have to make a doctors appointment re extreme fatigue. I will see if it continues first. I won't harp on about it as I don't want to sound like a hypercondriac. Not that I see myself as one. Just feel that way with some doctors is all. If things don't improve my wife can call the ambos once I hit the floor. If still tomorrow I am struggling I will explain then. I hinted before it's like the weather but now I am unsure. Right now I am grateful my tiredness is more genuine as opposed to faint like fatigue.

During the better parts of my day I manage to do a little more cleaning at the old house. My wife and I had to go over some stuff the bond clean and yard guys missed.

In my down time I have switched from Eckhart Tolle to Alan Watts.

There are some good Alan Watt videos on Youtube but imo the images and wizz bang audio that accompanies his lectures distorts and even at times undermines the whatever message that can be had for whatever individual. I find when it comes to wise words, there is no need for digital wizardry. Like I don't mind the biofeedback at other times - less and less these days truth be told. I think silence is golden.

Anyways - I found over 400 audio files in an archive without the Youtube Hype. Some of the lectures are broken into bibs and bobs but considering it's free to access I shan't complain. I'll just work out a playlist on the longer talks. Another way is to use the MP3 listings as search strings on Youtube to see if there are all in one sessions without the loud wishy washy background musics and plastic images.

Here's the link. I best link it as I'll most likely search my own thread to find the we address again.
https://archive.org/details/alanwattscollection

You might have to click on the close icon (X) where it asks for a donation ... once closed it will still load up the site. I then clicked on MP3s to bring up the 400+ files.
Here's to a more vibrant day tomorrow. More energy all round would be nice. Hope this finds you and the others well.


Thanks for checking in. :) Take care.


Might go listen on a few short ones now myself.

[Ponder]

I’ve been watching a few videos on assisted deaths. I particularly look for footage that deals with ‘End of Life Care.’ I wish I could find more in-depth presentations on non-western cultures. Whilst the western documentaries I have seen do deal with evolving positive aspects of hospice care, I find they are still very legal and clinical. Nevertheless, watching people die who have chosen to go into it with acceptance is what I find more the key on this topic and moreover helps me to better deal with living; regardless of my current level of pain.

It really is a fascinating topic. The contrast in laws, opinions and beliefs that enable people to suffer long drawn out bouts of excruciating pain is quite challenging to say the least. Where is the line between assisted death and assisted suicide? Additionally, why must compassion only be reserved for physical pain Vs mental? The latter issue dealing with discriminating and stigmatizing attitudes deeply rooted in our culture, via religious dogma, political ideals and ultimately societal conditioning. I mean not to imply a just cause for suicide although I am sure cases can be reasonably made depending on the context where the term suicide takes on new meaning.

I must be feeling better to be pondering like so. Allow me to put all of this into context in order that I can find; meaning.

I come to find these topics as they roll around in my head built up over decades of online skimming. One search string points to another, where some search results I delve deeper than others. I go tangents … and at other times I glean insights. Sometimes those insights come from the revisiting of sites I was once hung up on previously. This form of surfing / sponging has been a good trip for the most part. Before where I was once rigid in religious and societal conditioning, I was then a lot more bitter in my opinions. Opinions I still have and toxic they be, although now I am deleting more and refraining compared to my once irate know it all attitude. I don’t think I will ever be free from hypocrisy but my resolve to be more than what I already am is no longer a thing. In that I do find a sense of freedom. This brings me to why I have more than likely wound up looking into the topic of accepting death and in doing so now seeing how we are all conditioned to fear.
Moreover, conditioned to look back and identify with content that incites negative emotion which in turn has us then angsting over future events not yet happened. It’s the stuff marketing is made of. Anxiety is just as well masked in Joy as it is fear. The same ‘physiological responses’ experienced during fearful states, take place in moments of bliss. What triggers a positive or negative reaction is the content in that space and time as perceived. Additionally, worth noting that perception of content being typically influenced by the viewers lived experiences. I’m sensing acceptance is: all about seeing beyond the behavioral patterns / conditioned physiological responses (built up over past events) from a distant perspective … even if that objective awareness takes place after our preconditioned responses. This also including after our bouts of feeling of guilty and shameful for said reactions. That for me being no more than a process, or being part and parcel of suffering. ‘Giving In’ - in a way that brings about such awareness is where that act of allowing no longer passes judgement on the feelings of shame and guilt spawn by streams of thought from past experience, and or, despairing on events not yet experienced.

Shuffling all these tidbits all around can be woven into many concepts which none of which can be compared to the actual experiences. That said, drawing from experiences is what counts. Perhaps this is where the concept of purpose and human experience comes about? Sigh:) … Slightly smiles at such a thought. To write about experience without connecting with one’s own … is as futile to wishful thinking. Today’s modern world all about manifesting without moving; but by streams of thought alone.


With all that in mind – from one search string to another … I ended up back on a little clip from Alan Watts. Unadulterated from Whizzbang background interference. Just Alan doing his thing on a TV like episode some 61 years ago.

Entitled → On Pain. The lecture is centered on suffering and the deliverance of. Very much on the essence of acceptance, and how in that we can find freedom regardless of whatever we experience. It was from this video I phrased some of my words in the fist couple of paragraphs. Bliss being a word positioned at the top of the triangle. Just not in the new age posting of the term.

This lecture kind of dispels that we suffer in order to learn, but shows more how to rise above our suffering through allowing. Probably the best talk I have come to (now) understand or better digest where words and phrases such as acceptance, giving in and allowing are best pointed.

But like I say … it takes a few trips around the block to realize that sometimes these words and terms take on new directions. Some of which lead to different experiences and as such – pending the time and distance traveled – generally meaning different levels of acceptance, allowances and or giving ins. The more you resist … the more conditioned you become. Thus – for me is now more about letting go of the human condition as much as it is in accepting it … Two part of the same thing where madness either ensues or freedom takes place. Saying it is not enough just as knowing also falls short if not truly experienced. Hence … around and around she goes until such a point is reached.

What point is that? Smiles – This really is a case of each to their own. However, I did find this video really helped:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoMSfhWVT8w

[Ponder]

Had a night ride on my bicycle. Way cooler at night and much more enjoyable. My fitness has a long way to go but feeling much better for it.

This is a pretty good wide shot of SN8 launching from Bocachica Spaceport. Great sound too: @ 6 minute 33 seconds you will see starship come into screen as camera does not pan. Timestamp below video:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hcs-QbD_DA

TIME STAMP → Starship comes into shot for landing. Think 12 story building falling through the sky. (https://youtu.be/2hcs-QbD_DA?t=393)

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Night night. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleeping-smiley-face.gif

[Ponder]

Another hot and humid day in paradise. Apologies that my humor can be over the top sometimes re 'what am I thinking now' sub section of the Misc forum category. In other news:

Australia's main stream media buzzing about another Covid19 outbreak in Sydney whilst preparing the viewers for the start of vaccines. Borders opening and closing with a lot of opinions floating about re Xmas, Jobs and Spending. The situation with my daughter's in the UK seems as if not more complex as Australia with many other countries have banned UK flights. Apparently a new strain of CV ... yadda yadda.

Is what it is. I mean not to comment other than state how I am seeing or reading things. Believe me when I say I only glance the TV and have no audio playing. Just subtitles. Whilst my wife is still open to the static the news provides, she is also off put with the tone/energy the news is delivered with. That alone is designed to instill anxiety. I don't see it as my personal obligation to keep up with mainstream news; far from it. The social distancing dots out in the shops, multitude of red printed signs, people's attitudes and police presence is be enough for me to gauge what is is going on. Other than than I do occasionally glance at the screen my wife accidently leaves on from time to time. lol @ accidently.

I'm tending to think 2021 will pretty much be the same as 2020 and guess I am as ready for it as I can be. In fact unless anyone I know is immediately struck down with CV - I'm just following protocols doing my best not to feed back the incited emotion. It's OK for things to get worse or not. Once again my above notes on the CV are more as I have either been told by my wife or read off the screen but ultimately it will the the social distancing dots and other associated real world events I personally make 'contact' with that will dictate how I navigate. The rest is just digitized imprinting which I no longer subscribed to unless I am choosing to focus on it. The distrust this world has offset with it's ideals is now it's own undoing. The only way I can make my part less detrimental is to avoid the conflict. The latter it's own kettle of fish with respect to how I identify with my many labels. More thinking about my predispositions and my efforts not to feed them. The other side of the coin although on another tangent, is I don't blame people for thinking this world needs a good thinning.

Righto ... I have a support worker about to turn up. I think we will sort out some more boxes in the shed. It would be nice to bring in the car from the heat. I have an expensive security camera system in the car that could possible be damage if I leave it too long under the Australian Sun. The next time one of Australia's fine X-military wants to attack a road user with a pick-axe, I can choose not to crap my pants and run, but instead make myself part of the onscreen drama. I sold my trailer for the in car security setup. Front and back with 4K and 1080p footage. I best test it still works as the other day the inside of the car was like sizzling.

Forgive me as I do sometimes go on. It does help though. :) The world is just getting more insane with each passing month. I'm doing my best to not be part of it. Sigh. I have to chuckle a little as the new place we moved into has camera all other it. Not working ... but it did make me think how paranoid we are becoming. Perhaps paranoid is not the right word as ... too judging I feel. I did say I can't really blame people and it's not my place to do so. I do try to feel for them though. Even the one's reacting and hurting others as they do. It's the only way in the end I feel. It helps to try and understand why people do what they do. I was once a perpetrator of sorts in my worst moments. Thankfully that was a long time ago ... although I still make mistakes that hurt others. The only difference is I am much better at keeping that impact a lot less detrimental and more so learning to do the opposite when I can. It's hard though when others take that for a sign of weakness. When you be soft and gentle but not bursting with confidence as expected in today's world of standards ... well that's a hard one to contend with. Many see you as some kind of target but you don't want to give that thought power ... or those who play to such ideals.

OK - My good friend has just arrived.

I catch up later. I do hope your all doing well.

[Ponder]

I understand everyone is tied up on this momentous occasion. Xmas - and all ... hehe ... whatever your doing I hope your doing as well as can be. If not - that's OK with me! That said, I do live in hope and looking forward to making myself sick over lunch.

I'll be back after that and a few hours looking of the STEAM store. So hard to find decent games that don't involve killing or beating the *&^% out of people, animals or any living thing. Sigh.

Catch up soon!

[salvator here]

I'm hanging in there, my good man.

Yeah, I wonder where everybody is too. Hope everyone is alright. Seems to be the Ponder and Sal show here as of late for some reason ?!

Tomorrow will be quiet for me...just the way I prefer it :)

Yeah, I don't like violent games either. Honestly, I am happy lately with the classics with my game Emulators.

Anywho..

I (truly) hope you and your family will have a happy holiday, and a happy and healthy new year in advance if I don't by chance see you before the 31st.

Take good care..

~Sal

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal. All those well wishes back at ya. I'm still with you re the hype.

I ended up treating myself with a premium tanks purchase for World of Tanks. I could of gone worse with CyberPunk or something like that. World of Tanks is my dart board game or something I treat like I would space invaders. The thing I really wish about new game development, is that they would put the same effort they do with AAA games into non-violent games is all. I'm sick of other AAA gamers referring me and others like me with such request back to indie games. I think it's time I can walk around in beautiful ultra high end graphical worlds that do not require draining the life or all around me. Now that said - I think you're onto something there with the classic retro.

Have you heard of MAME (https://www.mamedev.org/) emulator? I used the front end to build a cocktail (sit down) table and also once purchase a standing cabinet found in the pinny parlor back in the mid 70s! Those sounds take me back there when I hear them. MAME is an emulator that reproduces closer to the original sounds compared to other retro emulators. It would be a good project actually as my grandson would respond well to the old stick and button methodology. The violence in those games whilst still present a much more tame bat and ball or dart throwing kind of thing Vs kicking the shit out of people in a back alley. Rolls eyes ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I'm not going all puritan or anything ... just getting really bored with the over emphasis on such things is all.

Anyways man ... is getting close to 1 am here or will be by the time I close my eyes.

For all of you in the North ... I hope your were all able to go easy on yourself, let you hair down and waistlines go. Nom nom nom ...

All the best.

Thanks again Sal :)

[Ponder]

The gif is pretty much how I played Scramble: (1981 Konami)
For sound reference click → here! (https://youtu.be/3Vc-RIkpk40?t=49)

https://i.ibb.co/LhDXk8F/Flat-Teeming-Goldfinch-size-restricted.gif


lol re the 'Ponder & Sal Show'. I understand the reference with the lack of forum activity and all. Is all good. Everyone has their boundaries and limits I guess. There are plenty of other forums to go or try out but it's not really the same as a low key one is it? Quiet day for me. I transplanted a few pots into two plant troughs. Have some yard work ahead of me and a project to dismantle a walkin plant shade area that was poorly constructed by previous residents.

I look forward to completing these tasks but have to pick my times as I am not really acclimated to the heat this summer. I am basically just too unhealthy this year. It's been a big year of negatives (Not Including CV) that has really pegged me back. Alas the new house although taking time to get used to does offer more space and that is good for all of us. I finally got enough space with unpacking to fit the car in the connecting garage.

______________
___
_
Just winding down with this at the moment ... ambient sounds is all: No special whizzbang biofeedback or neural beats. That stuff can help but also the dosing can get out of whack and make my tinnitus worse.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8yEdNx4dB0&t=330s


http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleeping-smiley-face.gif Seems to be working. Do you still have someone akin to a therapist/listener (even just friend) that you can talk to from time to time Sal? Like I do remember you talking about a therapist before? How's that gong?

I'd like to get on my bicycle more often but have to admit I can't think of any place that I really want to go. Traffic can be a real pain these days and sidewalks are starting to present likewise issues for my level of required space and ease of travels. I just lol to think of how crazy I really was on my scooter. The attention that rolls royce of scooter got was something I did not like at all and am sure added to my shenanigans on it despite my efforts to follow the rules. Good old fashioned walking I think it will be. I'll just get a couple of quality pairs to cushion my feet for the walking I have in mind. Last week I made it to the beach where I still had enough in me to walk down the slope to the sand. It was a decent walk ... nice and SLOW:

Despite my huge soft belly the sea water and morning sun felt so good I took off my shirt. I did so walking across an outcrop of rocks toward the water. I stopped closed my eyes and stared at the sun listening to the ripples lapping near my feet; shoes still on - just fat, hairy and bare chested without a care absorbing the sun. Yadda Yadda ...

I'll do treadmill in the morning and the yard work can be my sun for tomorrow. Sounds like a plan.

OK - hope all is well.

Goodnight and may you all have a good day. Peace as best you can find it. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/bye/grumpy-grandpa-waving-bye-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Enthydr]

Happiness in peace and silence is rare nowadays. Our minds have a way of messing us up even in our silence., especially in our silence.

[Ponder]

Completely agree. How have you been Enthydr. Nice to see you again.

[Ponder]

The thing I am coming to understand about silence is how our relationship to self and the world around us impacts our ability to regulate our state of being. I hope you don't mind Enthydr, but I would like to offer up a little more in the way of understanding and possible solutions to your previous comment other than just simply agree.

Neurosis is entrenched deep within my family and its tree, with nurmourses diagnoses and varioius ongoing interventions/supports. Autism (poorly understood in mainstream) - PTSD - and a host of associated disorders to boot for the greater part of my 51 years (52 this February) well ... I like to this that might have me well placed to poner on the topic of uncomfortable silence - as well as finding peace. Happiness? Well that's a key point that plays into 'The Happiness Trap' by Dr Russ Harris.

Come to think of it. The misunderstandings and misinterpreted meanings of words are all too often the reason for the discomfort we suffer when sitting in silence. More So the way in which we react to negative streams of thoughts. The intensity of such resultant from lengthy bouts of unresloved and pent up emotion. You need not a diagnosis to have a clinical case of what Eckhart Tolle refers to as the pain body. When he talks of such, he does so on a societal level, but then brings it all back down into bite size chunks the we can individually take ownership of ... in order that we can then ease our level of pain. To something more manageable.

You see, 'peace' is not so much the absence of pain, but more so the acceptance of it. In regards to this, I can't underestimate how it is in that our society misrepresents the term happiness. People live in fear of getting old, getting grey, wrinkles, losing strength, job, house, car and on and on. Happiness is primarily sold behind a veil of fear with empty promises such as property, possessions, deeds, standing and likewise things; all of which are identified with a false sense of self. This is how the well to do later in life sucub to the uncomfortable tone of bitterness and dissatisfaction as the impermanence of such things begin to fade and no longer keep pleasing. Well to do or not it is the same for all. Such happiness traps are based on the same delusions and end with the same awareness.

The book I mentioned above is not really my philosophy but it does touch on acceptance. Acceptance a key point to Alan Watts lecture on pain I posted on the previous page. Most of the stuff I link is all interwoven and acceptance is a major part of the problem most of us struggle with. Accepting ourselves I would say. What is left of ourselves or the way we see ourselves after whatever path traveled. Unfortunately acceptance is just another one of those words like happiness that we twist according to our level of awareness and degree of pain or comfort. Comfort a double edged sword for many of us in the west - the land of excess. So many dynamics at play yet the insanity spawn from this need for more makes its way into every corner of the world no matter how rich or poor. Such ideals are our world's ideology that could not have us anymore disconnected with our true selves. To feel so lonely at a time of year where the season demands that we seek to have more than at any other part of the year. This give context to my meaning.

People are becoming more sick with each passing year. You see once you become aware of such things, that is not enough. In fact that's when isolation can set in at it's hardest. Commiseration and the blaming that take part in that process is exactly that; a process. If we can't get past that process where we just let it go ... then we continue to suffer. Continue to hold onto past conditioning and behaviours. It's worth noting that the things we let go off ... often come back up. It's a process that I am coming to see as life long. It' part of life. How much we suffer with it depends on our path as well as ourselves.
__________________________________________

ME - I have 100% been feeling sorry for myself this last year. I have still not let go of the fact that I shit myself regardless of being attack with a pick axe. The fact that I only feel like half a man since I permanently busted my shoulder; a man who once prided himself (regardless of the fact I say I don't like pride) as the strong self reliant type. This last year I have never felt so weak and vulnerable. That's saying quite a bit from a small town rural guy (villages) brought up in a number of foster / children's homes, done stints in a couple of prisons and spent many years homeless up and down the highways and slept in the gutters of a number or cites. Again ... I must say that out of all that, this last year I have never felt so lonely and helpless.

Sigh! Smiles a little to think of the DX of autism comes in at later life. I really wish I could reflect more on that dynamic as complex at that tie into PTSD ... but alas I am nearing my summary of solution whilst slowly tiring. Is all good. :) Trying not to bore those that know me well enough who have heard it all before. That said there is nothing like a rehash that comes out a little more golden each time redrawn.

SO, how I sleep when the silence is too loud:
Stillness! It helps not to throw things like exclamation marks on the end when wishing to connect with the essence. You don't have to have silence in order to be still. When things are a struggle for me I'll summon up the sound of nature to help drown out most of the predispositions/patterns that I often struggle with: (life long process as mentioned above - episodic in nature - tend to think more nature than clinical. Former more peaceful ... other more unhealthy conditioning.)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm0sToWtatw

Point being though ... it's more about our approach regardless of prevailing thoughts. Awareness in as much as reaching rock bottom with no more energy to keep complaining - no more energy to feed the misery. A level of acceptance is preferable. This often being found in ones attempt to just accept the noise that is. It takes practice. Currently I am back to summoning the rain when there is none outside my window. Thank goodness of online recordings. Other things that help me is my attempt to write as I do in spaces like this. Thankfully make an online friend or two despite my failings. Keep reaching out and above all - try to look towards more solutions Vs blaming. Forgiveness of self and in my case ... forgive myself for feeling so low for as long as I have. To accept how unwell and unhealthy I have become. Do all I can to be ok with being soft, weak and helpless. There is a form of strength to be found in that ... currently despite knowing well how to write on such ... I refrain at this point because I need more time before I get back to that point. It's also OK if I do not. It's preferable for sure. BUT - the thing is not to fall into that trap. AKA as most of the above. I don't seek to drown in my misery as already stated is as much a trap as the false sense of happiness and self.

I'm just putting it out there why some of us struggle the way we do and how it is that I tend to focus on things that help rather than going on all the time about what does not. Laughs one more time because I have drumed so hard on for former and yes it was part of the process. I'm a slow learner is all. That said, I'm feeling a little more inspired Vs not. It takes effort to still the mind when consumed with thought.

Nature ... acceptance of the noise it brings. I see more wisdom in people who have accepted to live with pain, Vs those who strive to live in comfort. Not dissing comfort. Far from it. lol Like I said earlier: 'peace' is not so much the absence of pain, but more so the acceptance of it.

Night guys ... hope your all as well as can be.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Tonight I celebrate 30 Years of togetherness with my wife Lisa. I'm pretty sure it's at least this year. She was 18 years old working in a bank office somewhere in Sydney Australia. I had not long gotten off a train having come in from a cotton farm some several hundred miles away. I laugh to think how I had cowboy boots on and a cattleman's hat. Adding to that torn off sleeves being the trademark of Paul Hogan, the guy that played crocodile dundee. I came into the city looking up my father where I landed some work laying carpet. It was after a days work, in a pub, that I told the old man that I would ask the girls over in the corner what bus I should catch to get home. So it was that Dad left me in the pub on my lonesome. Having picked my time I wandered on over to the bar when one of the girls got up to order a drink. I figured since they had kept looking over at my Dad and I earlier it was worth a shot. I just introduced myself and then was invited on over.

That's pretty much how I met my wife. We danced all evening and in the wee hours of the morning Lisa came home with me. We conceived a child pretty much instantly to which Lisa and I was very happy about. Two weeks later Lisa moved out of her parents home against their wishes ... and thus began our long haul of thirty years. They had only given us two years max. They were sorely disappointed and whilst trying to accept it later ended up cut Lisa out of their will. Whilst her family are well off and big on status, they sadly missed the point of what family means to us.

https://i.ibb.co/WtYD3TP/30-years-ago.jpg

After the 1 st child it did not take long for another one to pop on out and again it was the same with our 3rd. One after the other. I mean there was some space in between. I'm just saying is all. I had already one child to a previous relationship which I was still on the rebound from. I was not happy at first about the breakup but in the end could not of been more happy to of found someone like Lisa who has proven herself so many times over to me. I only wish I could of been more the anchor. I guess we both are in our own ways.

It is regrettable that my wife was later diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis in her 30's. Once the grey hair took hold I could see depression soon follow. A young women having to deal with the ailments of being old. Best I can say is that we all carry some kind of burnden and that we have been doing the best we can trying not to focus on the obvious hurdles. She could of just as easily of left me for all my PTSD and associated hang ups but for whatever reason we have stuck it out. I can't say for sure if it will always be that way. Nothing stays the same and I don't want to count on it. In fact when I look at our photo above ... I only know for sure just how hard life has been. I'm pretty sure it's the same for everyone no matter what ailments. We did not expect we would have to be raising a child all over again in our 50s but here we are giving it a good slog. Doing what we can for all our kids no matter what. But man ... what I would give to connect with my wife like that once again.

It does worry me the toll our journey is taking - I guess you could say this post is about me reassessing my role and to see if I can do more to make my wife just the little bit more comfortable. My grandson, myself and now my wife are on the same disability funding for similar supports. It's been a long time coming for my wife. I persuaded her to see a therapist about 2 years ago which imo has been crucial for her wellbeing. I can tell she now looks forward to those visits. Hopefully my daughter will start seeing one. That said, we are not pushing for that unless she wants to do it. My daughter has applied for a health fund separate to the rest of us to see the same therapist I am seeing. I beleive she is doing this for a diagnosis to get more appropriate supports.

Anyways - not wanting to live in the past or anything I guess I am just trying to be grateful for the thirty years of togetherness I have had with my wife and also for all the years we have spent with our kids and grandchild. The world has really declined and I see no so called awakening taking place whatsoever. That's not a rosy story but from time to time I do like to acknowledge these would be claims that plays host to much of the confusion that currently reigns.

Right now what matters the most is not all the online drama, but the simple things in life that many of us are being drawn away from with said compulsions and the like. So it is that I share a picture of some of the things I did off my computer. I am working on a new project that I was once into before I or my wife had a home computer. Getting back into creating a garden with pot plants.

It rained today so I reported the large tree like plant on the left with a few seedling flowers in it's pot:
https://i.ibb.co/pnFg6Fv/Wide-View.jpg




Along the wooden fence there I intend to grow a row of Bamboo (Goldstrip meant for pots) in an attempt to block the neighbors view as well as enclose my side of paradise. I have never grown bamboo in pots. Here's hoping that works out well. Early days yet. Only just planted from a 2 litre pot into a 30cm with the intention to finish with a 40cm one. I may not get full height of 4 meters but I figure it will do what I want. all in good time.

https://i.ibb.co/yBKv6zh/Goldstripe-Bamboo-300mm-pot.jpg

That's a wrap. Another late one. It was nice after falling asleep to rain that I actually woke up to rain in the morning and it's been raining all day. It's been a nice break from the scorching heat.

Night night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[salvator here]

Congratulations on your 30 years!!!

What an amazing story and picture - thank you so much for sharing it :)

Everything you and your family have been through and you're still together - says a lot. Most marriages likely wouldn't have survived the challenges you've faced. Goes to show when you said "I do" [for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health] you meant it.

Happy New Year in advance!

PS - A song for you, in case you haven't already heard it..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgalAdgEd-E

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal. Time to ditch the avatar now. :) I've been having late nights as well. looks like 11pm for me as well. Mind if I ask if you struggle with weight at all Sal. Having such a hard time getting on top of my weight issue at the moment. Just can't summon up enough energy to kick over a matiblisim that evens out what I eat and or I struggle to reduce what I eat to match my lack of energy.

Not much to say tonight ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

... Is Sleeping ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHRwQ72tpbw

[Ponder]

OK - I am awake now, although winding down after another day. First things first. A little background assist. Guaranteed to put me back to sleep. :)


Same as on the last page. I am a bit picky with some of the others. Must be my antenna - Yawns:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8yEdNx4dB0

I really don't know what to say. I think I was acknowledging my huge weight gain if I scroll back to the previous page. Cortisol levels out of whack to be sure. Routine has been very very hard to get going. At least one that has a good balance of stress free components and or healthy stress related ones. I'll just keep focusing on my sleep, walking and hydration.

I need to sleep proper tonight. I'll try this again in the morning. The music is working like a charm. Not long got back from an evening walk.

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Goodnight.

[Kirk]

Happy new year!!! I recently went to the doctor and he said for me to lose 15 pounds or so. He raised his voice a bit and said look, your not in your 20s anymore, so you better get on it.

[salvator here]

Thanks Sal. Time to ditch the avatar now. :) I've been having late nights as well. looks like 11pm for me as well. Mind if I ask if you struggle with weight at all Sal. Having such a hard time getting on top of my weight issue at the moment. Just can't summon up enough energy to kick over a metabolism that evens out what I eat and or I struggle to reduce what I eat to match my lack of energy.

Not much to say tonight ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzHappy New Year, Ponder!

Since I stopped the gabapentin, I've not had too much trouble with my weight - I hover right around 160 lbs which is about right my height and bone structure. For some reason, I've lost the taste for sweets and that made a huge difference. My sleep is still erotic though; and I'm certain my cortisol is off; as well. I'm also on steroids, so, that isn't helping my issue, but I do need it. I do force myself to walk everyday, though I haven't been getting much more than 1/2 mile these days. Stress.. well, that's still not good for my cortisol either.

That's good to know the soothing music is helping your sleep.

[Kirk]

I take Melatonin quick dissolve under my tongue before I go to bed and it helps me sleep.

[Ponder]

Hey guys. TY Kirk. Happy New Year to you guys as well. I'm not making it a new years resolution or anything but I will be jumping to it over the next few weeks. :) The doctor is right about the reminder of how much harder it is when your no longer 20. I've got over 3 decades past since and now the time is crucial for me to get a grip re my weight. I won't show the pics I took the other night, but suffice to say I'm dealing with fat rolls that can be lifted on my sides and my back is also accumulating way too much fat as well. I feel I am at a pivotal point of do or die. The only other time I got this bad was when I up to it and lost 36kg just shy of 80 pounds!

Since the huge operation on my shoulder and my recovery ... well ... I'll never be able to hit the exercise at the same level ever again. That said, I was a bit crazy exercising at the level I was. More a coping mechanism that I have had to let go of like when I used to smoke. Still going through withdrawals I think re the no more repetitive heavy lifting.

Despite having my own take/bias on the medications, I do want to say "mores the power to you guys if you find something / anything that helps!" Without a doubt as I get older I will mostly likely start taking some form of meds either way. Whilst I do have some genuine predispositions that see my endure many side affects, I have also developed some phobias that have not helped re meds. If anything I am at a good age to at least start trialing some supplements. I've toyed around be not done anything definitive.

I've got a good handle on the alternative with what I eat and drink. A proper cold press diet with whatever solids and yadda yadda can work wonders. This I know from my own experiences. BUT ... and it is a big but ... the phycological imbalances endured in whatever climate/dynamics are making this pivotal point - re do or die ... very problematic to say the least.

Forgive me ... I mean not to rave on. Just making sense out of my options. The good news is that over the last few days I have been sleeping well enough and getting just enough outdoor light. Home relations are stained somewhat as we are all going through new routines but it's workable and our supports are back on board re the Xmas break. Looking forward to catching up with my therapist as well. I like those meetups.

Here's to all of us finding balance whatever way we can. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/smoke/smoking-banana-smiley-emoticon.gif ... on second thoughts I might try something else: http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/cook/blender-smiley-emoticon.gif

[salvator here]

Yeah, I think, start with walking - even short distance to start - is good for your health. I think we all sort of need to get back on track to better overall well-being. So much change to start out the new year; no doubting that. I stopped making (unrealistic) new years resolutions ages ago...the let down was too painful. Certainly understand phobias re medication - I do have that; as well. Sleep is so important, know that. Glad you said (reminded me) "balance"...I tend to forget that term rather than saying "normalcy" (whatever the heck that is) Lol :)

[Ponder]

Yea - It's tough when having let go of a good routine. It's the come back phase that I am so over. During the last last few times I put in the huge effort required in order to 'overcome'... I am now feeling less able to get do what it takes to correct my lack of will. It's in that context that I can't underestimate the important of balance. I get there is a rhythm to life, but the unnatural way in which most of us live today makes those highs and lows a very unhealthy and uncomfortable experience.

Now with that said, I smashed a treadmill workout this morning. 1 minute walking - one minute running. For me at this stage, I ended up with sweat all over the wall and floor. I'm now using carboard lightly learned against the walls to protect them. I went for a caul half hour walk before the treadmill session. I'm back into using my mini-tramp before bed follow with some balance ball stretching. I've had to employ these tasks as I am not making much progress re the food and hydration.

It's the only way I know to bounce back. I'm like "Fuck it! I need to do what I need to do!" It really is a case I need to be cruel to be kind - although I am sure there is a better way of saying that. I need to exert myself in order to suffer less. I need to stress my body by choice in the only way I know that works so that I don't take on negative forms of stress that eat me up. Literally this summer I have bee struggling with rashes, fatigue, brain fog, Insomnia, nausea, overeating, being bloated, food educed coma - lol at the last one, but I assure you it's no fun. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz but so sick you can't sleep and it you do you wake up several minutes later on the nod feeling even more tired and sick.

I've had blood tests since then but heard nothing back. Must be in the clear as far as diabetes goes, however, the whole food thing and my weight is most defiantly an issue. Of course those are not CORE issues, although fast becoming like so if I don't do something about the above issues/symptoms.

I'm not going to go into the core as I think we all just say 2020 will suffice. That said, I am not going to fool myself thinking 2021 is going to be any better. I just literally laughed out loud then. Sigh ...

OK … I just hope I can keep smashing out those treadmill workouts. I really need to detox faster than my food related will power's ability. Next month I turn 52. I know that is young compared to a few others in here, but I won't fool myself to think it's young enough to keep sustaining athletics comeback bouts between seasons of abuse. I could once rely on that, but no longer. The 2 years of sedentary collapse has well and truly fucked me up. I've lost a lot or respect for myself during that process and allowed many negative attachments to deeply embed. I may be controlling myself from going insane, but I'm slowly being eating away with my physical health is a state of decay. It goes without saying just how harder it is mentally when the vehicle is non functioning. Literally feels like suffocating.

Here's to the next treadmill bouts. Please don't tell me to go easy on myself. ;) I've done way too much of that.

[Mindalex]

I take Melatonin quick dissolve under my tongue before I go to bed and it helps me sleep.

Hi. Do you feel weak the next day? I wanted to try this before but a friend of mine told me it makes her feel shaky the following day.

[gypsylee]

Please don't try to befriend me...

Hey Self, remember when Dahila got Kirk mixed up with Kik (messenger)?

[gypsylee]

I am dreading the grass pollen season.

LOL. Do you get hay fever?

[gypsylee]

I do. It was the best day of my life.

Heeeeeeeee! :D

[gypsylee]

Yep.

I just have to stay inside if it's like that.

You pasty Scotsman :D

[gypsylee]

Have you tried any stronger prescription anti-histamines? Maybe they could help you. It sucks having to stay inside and miss out on all that natural vitamin D.

I was out all summer and still lack vitamin D :(

[Dahila]

Hey Self, remember when Dahila got Kirk mixed up with Kik (messenger)?

I had?????????
Guys drinking stinging nettle tea helps with it, also Chaga mushroom , I use powder add to my morning coffee, Quercetin is helpful too and it is over the counter

Gypsie try to take 6000 iu of D3. Sometimes I take ten thousand, Tomorrow I will have blood test , also for D3 levels

[gypsylee]

I had?????????
Guys drinking stinging nettle tea helps with it, also Chaga mushroom , I use powder add to my morning coffee, Quercetin is helpful too and it is over the counter

Gypsie try to take 6000 iu of D3. Sometimes I take ten thousand, Tomorrow I will have blood test , also for D3 levels


You got confused Dahila hehe.

I take Magnesium, B complex, Calcium, D3, Zinc+ and Iron. I haven't had a test lately but something's always off because of the diabetes (and generally shitty lifestyle). I'm doing ok though :)