brittany32888
02-04-2020, 01:58 PM
Where to begin? It is hard for me to even remember what my life was like the last time I posted, as a matter of a fact, I couldn’t even remember when that was until I looked back.
The last time I reached out on this forum, I was at the peak of what would become the moment that changed my life completely.
Here is what I remember:
I was a stay at home mom, small business owner, living with my partner of 7 years. Living with anxiety, social phobias, hypochondria, etc. I had made a week long trip home with my 4 year old son. Which was a challenge within itself as traveling was a huge trigger for me. I would have to starve myself, take a ridiculous amount of “just in case” supplies, spend 30 minutes to an hour of going into my bathroom, closing the door, breathing exercises, reading something on my phone to distract my brain, feeling ready, standing up, putting my hand on the door knob to realize I am not ready to leave, to starting the whole routine over again.
The trip wasn’t such a disaster (that I recall anyway) until the last day, I went alone to visit a relative, and the news was in the TV(something I always avoided) and it was a segment on Ebola(which I was already determined myself and my whole family was going to die of). There had also been talk of my household relocating to a new city, which was causing anxiousness( I am remembering as I go).
After I got home from my trip, I was the most anxious I had ever been, not just for an hour, or an evening.... but a week long panic attack. I did everything I always did. Yoga, consumed lots of water, took a few stress pastilles, went for a walk, took a hot bath, nothing. I was toast.
I even resorted to going to my then business to see my partner(something I NEVER did) and begged him to help me, hold me, console me. Anything.
After the first couple of days of feeling that way, I finally called a family friend, whom had counseled me in the past, and told her to fix it. I needed to be rescued. She made some suggestions, and one of them being, watching youtube videos of a particular preacher. I didn’t want to do that, I didn’t like that kind of stuff, out of desperation, I did. I turned to spirituality for healing.
I went 8 days without sleep.
Coming from a woman who used to sleep 12+ hours every night(which I now believe was due to depression) I was sinking quickly with nothing substantial to hold onto. I had relied on myself for so long. Now that I could no longer be there for myself... who did I have?
Every night I would lie down, and beg God to let me sleep. I did EVERYTHING right. No TV or MEDIA all day much less right before bed, exercise, hot tea, warm showers, meditation. I would close my eyes and my mind would race, if I did ever fall asleep, my dreams would be lucid, and I would jerk back awake. Frightened. It wasn’t only sleep I lacked, but any sort of rest. No peace. I was afraid of sleep medication, even melatonin gave me less than pleasant results. I was scared I would never sleep again. My mind was starting to convince me that I was crazy. I starting thinking of suicide. But not the word, I never used that word. Robin Williams had just taken his life, I thought if he couldn’t get help, what does that mean for me? This man that had every resource imaginable at his fingertips, and still couldn’t manage to find an out? I felt so hopeless. And I was so afraid to share my thoughts with anyone, afraid what they would do. Afraid they would see me as unfit for my son and take him away and have me admitted. I hinted to my partner, told him I needed help. Told him I wanted to go to a hospital, told him I shouldn’t be alone. He said he had to work to pay for a hospital visit, I didn’t need him to stay, what was going to happen? I cried out, but he didn’t listen.
Finally, on the eighth day, he called my mom and told her what had been going on.
She came to rescue me.
The last time I reached out on this forum, I was at the peak of what would become the moment that changed my life completely.
Here is what I remember:
I was a stay at home mom, small business owner, living with my partner of 7 years. Living with anxiety, social phobias, hypochondria, etc. I had made a week long trip home with my 4 year old son. Which was a challenge within itself as traveling was a huge trigger for me. I would have to starve myself, take a ridiculous amount of “just in case” supplies, spend 30 minutes to an hour of going into my bathroom, closing the door, breathing exercises, reading something on my phone to distract my brain, feeling ready, standing up, putting my hand on the door knob to realize I am not ready to leave, to starting the whole routine over again.
The trip wasn’t such a disaster (that I recall anyway) until the last day, I went alone to visit a relative, and the news was in the TV(something I always avoided) and it was a segment on Ebola(which I was already determined myself and my whole family was going to die of). There had also been talk of my household relocating to a new city, which was causing anxiousness( I am remembering as I go).
After I got home from my trip, I was the most anxious I had ever been, not just for an hour, or an evening.... but a week long panic attack. I did everything I always did. Yoga, consumed lots of water, took a few stress pastilles, went for a walk, took a hot bath, nothing. I was toast.
I even resorted to going to my then business to see my partner(something I NEVER did) and begged him to help me, hold me, console me. Anything.
After the first couple of days of feeling that way, I finally called a family friend, whom had counseled me in the past, and told her to fix it. I needed to be rescued. She made some suggestions, and one of them being, watching youtube videos of a particular preacher. I didn’t want to do that, I didn’t like that kind of stuff, out of desperation, I did. I turned to spirituality for healing.
I went 8 days without sleep.
Coming from a woman who used to sleep 12+ hours every night(which I now believe was due to depression) I was sinking quickly with nothing substantial to hold onto. I had relied on myself for so long. Now that I could no longer be there for myself... who did I have?
Every night I would lie down, and beg God to let me sleep. I did EVERYTHING right. No TV or MEDIA all day much less right before bed, exercise, hot tea, warm showers, meditation. I would close my eyes and my mind would race, if I did ever fall asleep, my dreams would be lucid, and I would jerk back awake. Frightened. It wasn’t only sleep I lacked, but any sort of rest. No peace. I was afraid of sleep medication, even melatonin gave me less than pleasant results. I was scared I would never sleep again. My mind was starting to convince me that I was crazy. I starting thinking of suicide. But not the word, I never used that word. Robin Williams had just taken his life, I thought if he couldn’t get help, what does that mean for me? This man that had every resource imaginable at his fingertips, and still couldn’t manage to find an out? I felt so hopeless. And I was so afraid to share my thoughts with anyone, afraid what they would do. Afraid they would see me as unfit for my son and take him away and have me admitted. I hinted to my partner, told him I needed help. Told him I wanted to go to a hospital, told him I shouldn’t be alone. He said he had to work to pay for a hospital visit, I didn’t need him to stay, what was going to happen? I cried out, but he didn’t listen.
Finally, on the eighth day, he called my mom and told her what had been going on.
She came to rescue me.