Ponder

[Ponder]

It's been good with my friend visiting. My old boss when I was a support worker. He is now my support worker. :)

Both of us have been playing a lot of PC in the beginning, but I am less attached to doing that now that my friend is actually here. Instead I have found the electric scooter that he brought with him an even better distraction. Although I feel somewhat self conscious standing on the scooter, the feeling of freedom moving effortlessly quickly overcomes any negative feelings. That said, I'm not moving at the traffic lights which makes those feel like I am on a stage. :) I smile, because after I while I become more amused at those looking out their windows. We don't get many stand up electric scooters in my area, although we do have a lot of electric bikes and 4 wheeled disabled scooters. People in this area are slow to change. It seems electric scooters have a little stigma to overcome in the same way drones where met with media resistance. But like I was saying about that feeling of freedom, once you jump on an electric scooter and realise the potential for freedom you soon disregard the notion of others. At least this is how I feel ... when not parading at the traffic lights. hehe. I've never really even like standing on such corners.

I guess that would make for a good topic on how being self conscious get in the way. Just being overweight is enough to make most of us feel like staying at home or not wanting to be seen. Boy oh boy I have been up and down in the dept of late. But like the freedom I find on my friends scooter, I also my prefer the benefits of moving beyond the boundaries of what most people think as their home. So it is that I also feel less worried about once again being morbidly obese. It's on my mind to be sure. It always is as I put on weight quite easily and now at an age that such can kill if left unchecked. However, stress only adds more weight and makes life even more oppressive than what I find it already to be. I note that being my perspective as I am learning to respect the freedoms of others as long as it's not impacting others in a negative way. The latter I find a rarity; I for one can not include myself in any kind of saintly list.
_____________________________

So it is that I now have my sights set on an electric scooter. - Still can't get over how great that thing is.

As good as it is ... I best get ready for me WALK.

[Ponder]

Bit of a late night but it's all good. Another good day with my friend still here. My room is reasonably clean, but have half it it on the porch still waiting to be sorted. Smiles ... something to focus on when I wake up before my morning appointment. It would appear I have talked my friend into upgrading his scooter whilst I aim to purchase the next model up above his current one. I took his for a spin late this afternoon and still can't get over what a buzz it is. We started the day off with my taking the lead with my bike whilst he followed for the rest on his scooter. We stopped for some herbal tea, later on by a lake, popped in to a bike shop to pump up his tires, then took the long way home. We both spent time with the little guy teaching him more minecraft and chalk drawing on the porch. Jumped on the big trampoline, went to the shops to by some meat and came back to cook up an awesome feed. Speaking of which I am not doing his scooter any favors when I hop on.

We did more than that .. but that is enough for me to waffle on as I am now ready to get some qualtiy zzzzzzs ... despite the indulging with food since before Xmas and now still into the new year ... my activity has thankfully picked up with less time on the PC. I see no need to go cold turkey ... BUT ... will be making a concerted effort to get back into doing walk run walk run in the we hours of the morning before most others get up. That will again force me into an earlier routine on both sides of the day.

For easier sleeping I have been listening to rain on my Bluetooth speaker. It seems to help.
Still under a LOT of negative stress derived from sources beyond my control ... but that's OK ... I know what I need to do and for the most part are doing it. I think of how my grandson is slowly starting to brighten up with the transition in our care and try not to think about what has not yet come. He is actually doing well. He love his new swimming lessons and also the long quiet bike patch I now take him on. That's a good note to finish on.


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Goodnight/have a good day.

[Ponder]

I delete it and just log it in here. Just know that these so called old timers in this forum (as so often refereed to) can be cruel individuals that will attack other forum members where you can easily wind up being the but of their jokes. Many do so quite subtlety and somewhat eloquently. Others will just laugh in your face. Enough said.

[Ponder]

The fires in Australia? How do I really feel about that? Having been accused that I don't care and also laughed about re my personal thoughts on what makes me - me; by other wonderful forum users (So often refereed to as 'old timers')

Let me see.

For starters, I think we humans should be helping each other when there is no drama. DRAMA? Yea, that's how I am seeing these events.

After my son was released from jail (More Drama!) he returned to Batemans Bay where people ended up lining the beach and yadda yadda. My parents were also affected early on before the whole affair becomes world news. I'll spare you the photos and videos. Makes for a great social media frenzy.

There seems to be two sides to this staging story that's made and making world events ... One side on the ground level are seemingly caught up in feeling bitter and abandoned which is why they are so passionate about blaming the government. Others in social media who are not even affected by fires but likewise feeling bitter and abandoned on other fronts get caught up in the mob mentality. Like I said ... great for a social frenzy. I got to tell you that people in Australia make excellent sheep just as they do all over the world.

I fully understand why people play with matches. They too feel bitter and abandoned.My eldest boy when a child was pulled up in front of the court system for lighting fires in the bush. He was not dealt with appropriately or reaped any consequences by the system at that time that had any real affect. He is nearly 30 years old now and only just been jailed with having gotten away with a LOT of stuff. In fact his spree was a lot more violent than my own, where my time in goal was more spawn from break and enters that made the page for a homeless story re feeding oneself VS repeatedly bashing people. The irony of him lighting fires then in his early days only only to wind up decades later living in a town where they all end up on a beach due to raging fires ... is as much an irony of me comparing his and I stories.

But like I say ... I understand why people do what they do ... at least for the most part. Fuck all this accusing and back stabbing each other. Humans are really good for doing that.
__________________________________________________ ___________________________

So you see, you really ought not to mouth off saying I don't care or don't know much about self.

__________________________________________________ _____________________________

I am full of surprises and will always call a spade a spade. I do not have to pretend like logging in under some fake name only to be accused by those who one called themselves friend than laugh at by another refereed to as old timer. I carry much shame and whilst legitimately certified as unable - I should not be underestimated when it comes to making a stand. You would do well to either work with me ... or just leave me the fuck alone.

Among all those bleeding hearts and sheepish puppets ... between all that bashing the government, prayers and lovey dovey sentiments are more looting houses and others playing with matches.

I would not say I don't care about the fires ... but I will say fuck humans on all sides of the equation.

The only one's I have time for, are those who take the time to get their stories straight.

Go but your fucking jokes on someone else, lest we all start playing with matches. Pfft - Sarcasm intended but passion reigns. Z

Pffft ... is that you Mr Ponder says Mrs Dahilla ... and then laughed by another ... to that of a third who starts the slur ... keep throwing rocks and dribbling shit peoples. You all do it very well and is why I ended up cutting ties. That said I won't be a door mat.

Fact is ... everyone is 'MATCHING' the other. Fucking flame throwers ... the lot of us. But no one looks at the bigger picture ... just the pretty ones OR the loud devastating ones ... Nothing but DRAMA!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgLfOrVJJMg

[Ponder]

Onto more of the fun stuff.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rnNTDWII3U

[Ponder]

I am very pleased at the Iranians response to the US and it's Allies. I hope all shit breaks lose and that things get really blown out of proportions. People die everyday. I hope this time it's enough to make a HUGE scene and show up the US and it's Allies for what they really are. Fucking Power Mongers with only their own self interests at heart. The rest that follow are nothing but sheep.

I think that about wraps up my day. ;)

Until next post.

[Ponder]

Burn Baby Burn!!!
https://i.ibb.co/Ld8nGzG/Burn-Baby-Burn.jpg

Good timing for the allies to get together with all the lovey dovey BS AND then start a fucking war. Fucking sheep the lot of yas.

Really hoping WWIII comes sooner than later. FYW and all those in it.

... but of course ... love and light and all that jazz

... until next post.

[Ponder]

Is that you Mr Ponder? You best your fucking ASS it is!!!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GdkBSaoAII

[Ponder]

Interesting how the media prepares the collective mind of the masses before the great speech. Puppet Nations. Oh well ... Perhaps next year nukes will fly whilst in the mean time the US consolidates their interests/grip - in & on the world.

In the mean time ... may was well finalize the latest obsession with my Proposed Electric Scooter Purchase:

I have come to the end of obsessing over what one to buy but now can't wait till I get it. That's going to take a while though as I will have to save unless I can take out a later loan than usual. I've decided to go with an expensive one. I found a way that to fit within the legal constraints - although it could still be debatable. Here is a government link to the Law in my state regarding personal mobility devices otherwise known as PMDs. The fact they use an image of a scooter nails it for me as well as themselves validating this new appealing form of 'transportation'.
https://www.qld.gov.au/transport/safety/rules/wheeled-devices/personal-mobility-devices

The scooter I propose meets all the required measurements and comes in under the weight. The main issue with scooters when used as a PMD (separate to a recreational device [comes down to how one uses and identifies with that device]) ... is speed - NOT the wattage. This loophole of Personal Mobility Device and the fact that you do not have to be psychically disabled to classify your device as such puts to rest my angst over wattage size of electric engine. Fact is - some PMDs will require more wattage to reach legal speeds when pushing different weights up different hills.

This is why in the end I have chosen to go with an 800watt scooter. More so because for my angst, I feel I have come close nailing the wattage debate (as it stands with legislation in my state re electric scooters used as a PMD)

To Lock or Unlock the legal speed?
LOL - The anxiety of it all. This is why I gave up with my drone. This one is simple really ... don't break the legal speed limit and you should have nothing to worry about. Apparent they have new legislation with simple fines now. $130 for speeding on a scooter. Much cheaper in comparison to a car ticket, however I don't plan on and still consider it a heft price all things considered.

Cool ... my friend is up ... time for a late breakfast.

Back to this post later ... where I will further indulge and motivate myself re my upcoming scooter.

[Ponder]

Fucking sore shoulders and neck from riding so much on my bike this week having not really ridden in a while. Friend goes home tomorrow.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Back to walking and will give the bike a little break. It won't be the same riding solo.

[Ponder]

I need to relax more ... the shopping center doors unexpectedly closed on me. When I pushed them in the opposite direction, one of them came of the rails. I was surprised because they are pretty big door. Thankful they did not come completely off and that the next morning I saw them working again. They really should not of retracted on me and my reaction was more out of fear than anything else. Seems like all the doors are closing in on me. Grrrrrrrrrr.

That said, I did alright just now heading down town to sign some papers.

Have been having feelings of dread lately and a bit down ... working on it. Going solo can get lonely at times, but that's pretty much life on my side of the fence. Most of my acquaintances are not into the same things as me which makes it hard to connect at a level that is healthier for me. More so being active outdoors. I shall miss my friend. We covered about 80kms on his scooter and my bike going from place to place whilst he was here.

This is the long term Goal for me:

https://i.ibb.co/SsTsD0B/Inokim-Ox.pnghttps://i.ibb.co/7QjZDS8/Inokim-Ox-2.png
It's confirmed that wattage is not an issues in my state ... but speed is. That said - unlocking the speed on the OX (Not OXO) is relatively easy → LINK (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJK45Ulwb3M&list=RDQMoJtsBJ9B5R8&index=2) Once unlocked, you can limit the speed to 25kph for public roads, and then change it to 45kph for private roads. What I like about this model is that even when set to 25kph, you can go uphills at that speed due to the high wattage motor. 800watts continuous with 1300watts peak. 100km distance rated with 60kg rider @ 25kph under ideal conditions. 90+kg rider with hills has been rated to 50kms distance (My ideal weight it 72kg with 76kg more manageable - currently 96kg) ... but I won't really know until I do my own tests. 50kms is way more than I need and the suspension makes for one of the smoother rides currently available on the market. bla bla bla ... It can also go on dirt, grass and over many other surfaces. Just what I need to go around or cross the road like I do now when seeing other people. ... and when I do want go on by other sidewalk users, I can do so without taking up as much space as my current bicycle.

It's a long way off ... but I can't stop thinking about how awesome and appropriate this transpiration device is going to be for me. Is good to have things to look forward too. Might have to sell my laptop to get the savings rolling ... maybe ... maybe not ... but I will get this and it's going to be a game changer re me spending too much time on my PC. :)

[Ponder]

In the meantime I best get walking!!! Whilst that scooter can handle up to 120kg/265lbs ... I now have a good incentive to lose a bit of weight.

[Ponder]

Well that scooter is quite an ambitious target for me. However, it's good to have an aim once again.

https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/t/w4RJTW6/weight.png (https://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/w4RJTW6/)

Seems one goal has created another. So many times I have struggled this time around in being unable to tip the scales in my favor. I'll never forget my 30+kg weight loss achievement. This time the target is for 21kg loss. 72 is optimal - but if and when I do it right - yet gain - 75 will be more maintainable. I went up to 106kg before I started having pains in my chest and was unable to get about without a lot of effort. I made it down to 72kg and got carried away many times; hitting 69kg which was too hard for me to sustain. No doubt everyone is different. My weight fluctuates easily if I let myself go. I was several kgs lighter not so long. 86kg just before Xmas.

Oh well ... let's see how many times I can keep the gist of this post repeated. Hopefully long enough to see that ticker slider towards the healthier end.

It's going to be blistering hot outside soon. I best get walking and start getting hard core re the food/drugs.

[Ponder]

Holding course - no weigh ins until a weeks time. unfortunately my wrist has packed it in and I am not even sure how it happened. Strained ligaments over time I am guessing. Just started hurting and got worse slowly until it's now feeling like I have a broken wrist. Is OK ... I am getting used to parts on my body degrading before their time. I'm still typing so it can't be that bad. Just no more riding bike for a while. Nothing else really to say at this time.

[Ponder]

My wrist is feeling much better after I used a compression bandage. I think it was my first bout of arthritic pain. It's a bit wet outside and getting dark, but I have lights on my bike so figure I might do some cycling around our block. I felt good the other night using my mini tramp to get the blood pumping. Food wise I can't say I am making any ground, but I am balancing my time off my computer very well and getting enough outdoor exposure each day. I think my first weigh in will not be so good but that's OK ... this week is really about working on my mind set - not giving up.

My daughter is still homeless, now on the run (the lamb) with said parolee. It all makes for great drama. I think the attachment is too hard to break. I have provided all the information by way of text and more detail in an email. I spoke to local crisis case managers and outlined the process for my daughter as to how one can better their chances when it comes to being prioritized. I spent many hours making phone calls and writing it all up. Not much else I can do but keep the info on hand as well as my encouragement. I don't think she is quite ready ... but I feel better that I made an effort to lend support.

My grandson is away on a visitation. Mt wife and I will Skype him the day before he comes home. Is very sad to see him go each time as he always resists with crying and does not want to go. He is non verbal on our Skype calls, whilst actively involved when in our care re skpes calls to his Dad. People say to us that it's our time to relax ... whilst that might be true, we can't help given what we see; worry about him ... at least until he comes back HOME. We have explained that his mum is sick. That she is away trying to get better. He cried for many hours one day just repeating, "why,why,why ..." It was really hard to watch ... but something I knew he just had to go through. I have STILL been bring pieces of furniture in from his old house ... his room ... slowly over time. Sometimes he pines a little more, but not quite as bad. Each time I bring something in I am acutely aware of his reactions and I will set myself down to his level to let him know that we love him dearly and that everything is going to be alright. Sadly his mum just does not get the pain he is going through. She is still fathoming all of her own and not something I judge either way. For now ... we just know he is and will always be ... better off in our care. Both the Mother and Father do not care enough to put the time in re all of our grandsons special needs. The final hearing coming up in about 5 months will take between 3 to 4 days. We will be well prepared.

Sigh ... My own supports ... going well enough. I've struggled a few times to be sure and with everything going on that's fair enough. I've got that defense covered well enough. Thankfully have re-established my space in here ... and I will continue as I have done over the years. People come and go ... but the essence of how and what works for me shall always be the same. Perhaps not the outlook as that's always changing for me ... The essence YES.
__________________________________________

So Distractions? I have given the computer simulations games a break of late but thinking of returning to one or two of them. The one's I play keep the mind stimulated and when playing ones I have played for years, the can be rather relaxing. The challenge of learning new games whilst perhaps obsessive at times, can at other times be rewarding making for the perfect distraction with the bonus of learning new skills. Alpha testing can get frustrating ... but also exciting when new patches come out.

I think I will go for that little ride around the block ... once it stops raining.

In the mean time I go mine a few asteroids in star Citizen:

https://i.ibb.co/R0yQhq2/Argo-Mole.png

[Ponder]

Most underrated actor I know. Had no idea he passed last year:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mz9DZzFV_xk

To find out how many more passed last year
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCnnVs8jy8o

Definitely getting older ...

[Ponder]

One of my favorites of his ... then all his sci-fi flicks as well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZzqlxOLBus

[Ponder]

LOL - Now I am off for an earlish morning walk ... God forbid!

[Ponder]

Walk Jog walk jog around the sports oval ... nice to see no dog shit or other humans. Went for a casual walk thereafter. Came home and now on the lemon juice.

[Ponder]

The scooter mission is accomplished. I managed to pull it off earlier than expected with two separate loans and some family help. I even upgraded my scooter order to the Roles Royce of Off Road Scooters. Instead of one rear 800watt hub electric motor ... I now got Dual Front & Rear 1000 Watt motors. YEAAAA BABY!!! I can now climb up walls. The unit being factory direct means it's higher speed potential is available ... No need to unlock. however I can limit to legal speeds when using on public roads. It comes with a bigger battery which gives me up to a range on 100km on eco mode. I really can't beleive I pulled this intention out of my head and made it a reality. I even got the dealer to throw one of the new fangdangled smart helmets he had in his shop. I think I got such a good deal, because my friend who was also interested, drove to the store I suggested and bought one as well. Two Rolls Royces in one day. Will take a bit over a week to get here as whilst he was in the shop I was 5 hours away online. He just passed me over on the phone once he did the dealing.

https://i.ibb.co/mqqQ5CY/OXO.jpghttps://i.ibb.co/vVTDtGV/smart-bluetooth-helmet.jpg

Hopefully my head is not too big. haha ... usually is when it comes to hats and helmets. Thankfully this scooter can take much more weight than the introductory scooter that my friend 1st brought up. Although I am aiming to lose weight to light the load, I'll be looking into carrying some gear in a backpack with me. I'll be sticking to mostly outdoors and don't fancy leaving this (even chained up) at bike racks to venture into buildings. It can be folded but weighs a tone compared to lighter models that people take on trains. I'm going to have to up the weight routine if I want to carry this up stairs. There is one place I go to twice a week for appointments that has offered me to put in their shed. I might take them up on their offer as the area does have a lot of thieves and our town is well known for stealing these kind of things. Even if I could carry up their wooden stairs, I think I might fall through taking this beast up. Hmmmm ... Narrr - I get along with that lady quite well. I think the shed it will be. The other place I frequent I will just wheel it inside and fold it down up against a wall - Ill ask first. Other than that ... just happy to take it for the odd spin. Might take the laptop out a bit more to write outdoors. Botanical Gardens in the shade ... that might work .... although that gaming lap top is kind of heavy. I'll save that idea for when I have lost 20kg ... touch wood. Might just use keyboard and Phone on a stand. The point is ... that purchase is to help me get out more ... A LOT MORE. I wont be taking it to the beach. The salt and humidity not good for it at all. I can however ride across open field/floodways and access small reserve areas like I always like to do. I could Head off and take my time investigating new areas I have not previously spent as much time doing. I wonder - if I get a sensor alarm and appropriate large lock - I would settle for parking at one end of a sports oval out of the way but where I do laps right on by the patch of grass I choose ... Instead of laps I could put down orange markers at two ends ... one where I park and then on the other end just running back and forth without lapping. Hmmmmm that would work. Yea ... that's a plan. Narrrrr ... standing in a skaters stance or standing at all regardless of battery powered would not be good afer a work out like that ... not for me. Oh well ... However a smaller kite or if I could work out how to carry the one I have would make for a good activity at a moments notice in an open field. Fishing off the pier right next to my scooter and ultra light chair. Not that I really like to fish - not any more. Maybe I will just watch others instead ... narrr ... just find a quiet place and meditate ... much better idea.

OK - I go and try to sleep. My skin is crawling a little tonight. Not sure why. I have been doing well food wise .. I know ... soy sauce on my stake. That would be it for sure. Too much of a good thing ... too much salt.

That's enough of a blurb ... keep up the walking ... and steady as she goes with the night rides. Also been forcing myself to stay on the sidewalks and cross as crossing with my bike in preparation for when the scooter arrives. I must admit this latest intention has forced me to deal with such things. The other reason I also went all out on the scooter set up was to feel comfortable being on display. I think that kit is going to look alright. I like that aspect of it so that helps.

Not long now ...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Go to sleep Davy Boy!!! [http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

Nailed No Junk Food Today - Also kept my intake low. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Detoxing to be sure.

[Ponder]

Huge Day - Probably should not of run the battery down on the new scooter having not even given it it's first charge. Will have to range test it after it's 1st big charge, however not sure I am up for that given my back needs a little rest after today's 22km from one side of town the to other. It really is frigen awesome. I did an hours walk this morning and also this afternoon. Ate pretty good today - no sugar and salt additives whatsoever and portion size really good. Need to buy some more carrots and use as a filler when cravings hit. Might go to the beach with wife and grandson tomorrow - see what happens. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Have still been using the rain sounds to get to sleep.

9:30pm ... I am hitting the sack ... feeling good enough to sleep. Maybe write when I have enough space and time about the 1st scooter ride. It really was something.

Goodnight ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep-in-bed.gif

[Ponder]

Excellent day with food. It's not easy keeping straight with others eating all the stuff I need to stop. My wife does not suffer the addiction or self abuse ways I tend to go when I am using food. Nevertheless it is hard when she breaks into a little of this or that. I'm starting to head back into the Raw food category and dropping the meat. Already starting to feel a little loser - BUT - still detoxing and will for quite some time I think. Made myself a big list and will have to keep focused on that tomorrow. I'll also weigh in as well and compare with my last ticker.

Today's activity .. I went to the beach but was feeling tired. Yesterday was quite a big one and once again ... feeling the detoxing. Thus I was glad I could use me electric scooter to visit a friend. I am still getting used to it's powerful dual 1000 watt motors. For the most part I was able to appear graceful. I am getting over the glamour and vanity that such attentions that might come from owning such a thing. It is doubtful that currently, there is another in the town like it ... and or rarely seen ... so what I once considered a confidence boost is kind of starting to make me feel more spotlighted than anything cool or special. BUT then again I am also aware that I can push through my self image hangups by just focusing on how to handle the power of the thing. I have to make sure I am in the right setting and not pushing the accelerator to hard whilst balancing in some tight positions waiting on raise islands in the middle of a four lane crossing. Things can easily go from cool looking to full blown clown with this beast of an e-scooter if your not prepared. Thus far I won't ware earbuds until I have mastered the thing. All that said ... I did a 12km round trip to visit are friend as if I had driven my car. That's how I felt when I got home and at my friends I sat down and talk as if I had arrived in my car. The only sweat I really had to contend with, was my head under the helmet and mostly because of how hot summer can get in Australia.

Righto ... still early. Not even 7:30. I feel tired enough to sleep well enough. Last night I slept good enough. I just watch some mindless stuff and again have an early night (by comparison of old) and see what tomorrow brings when I get up.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzz

I'll weigh in then.

[Ponder]

The early night seems to of backfired on me. Some really loud neighbours down the street had it so that when I did wake, it was to their thumping. Thankfully there might be a storm rolling in. One can only hope. If not - is all good. Despite feeling hollow with a craving to eat stuff that is not good for me, I am actually feeling pretty good with the aches and pains. That's not a bad trade off. Although emotionally I am dealing with a LOT of stuff and it just seems like it's relentless with no end in sight, I really do feel like I am done with complaining. Frustration and anger do still reside in me along side depression and all those other negative long term traits that come about from unfortunate experiences. Cycles of wanting to leave, coming back then leaving only to come back again. I smile to think of how just true those words on all counts are for me.

I have proven to myself with recorded bouts in previous threads that I have the capacity for peaceful moments. I've even been able to string them together to resemble some kind of peaceful existence, although cyclic as that may be. Mental Illness really is one of an episodic nature. Only when I give up the poison and put myself through these detox periods do I seem more able to connect reach a state outside my racing thoughts. There's that hollow feeling I woke up with, BUT, then there is also a sense of knowing that speaks with more awareness; than I do to myself and others during my anxiety filled days. I really need to sit with that awareness so much more often than I have ever cared to try before. There is more anxiety coming to be sure. What makes this next bout of clean living more challenging is a sensing of what is to come, yet that I really can't know for sure as that time never really comes. What's key right now, is knowing what's taken place and how that's affected others close to me and myself - accepting my reactions Vs knowing my emotion.

So much despair, bitterness and anger all in that order from one ep to the next ... where in the end we either continue to hate ourselves and others - OR we truly accept our and others pain. It really does seem to be either one of two ways. A life long journey to be sure.

Well ... the rain is now falling. Small mercies. :) I think I will try to go back to sleep and let this awareness sit for a long as can be. Let others complain and hate as they must ... for now I just focus on myself and those closest to me.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Take two ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep-in-bed.gif

[Ponder]

Sunday Weigh In: Last week results: 93.4 - This wee I have lost 1.8kg - Total lost over the last couple of weeks = 4.5kg

This weeks results:

https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/t/wq7zqgW/weight.png (https://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wq7zqgW/)

Lucid Dreaming:
Despite the upset last night I think the better part of that write up helped me get back to sleep. I find myself once again entering into lucid dreaming. I was in some kind of hospital throwing my guts up. The staff actually seemed like healers despite the walls and ceiling. That said, I think they were a little perplexed as to what was happening to me. I really got into the part of experiencing. Especially with throwing up and paying attention to what came out and relieved I felt afterwards. I think the experience was a good one. I count the experience of feeling, of being, and actually living in my dream more important than remembering. I remember enough. The more I try to unravel such worlds, the more I loose connection. It's usually a good sign when I am having those kind of experiences. I was getting them on the meds, but somehow there is a difference when I do it with detoxing, abstinence and super clean eating. It's early days yet. The difference I talk about another time.

This Weeks Approach:
"You can't do that, you'll go into starvation mode!" ... "You need carbs!" ... "You can't live without meat!" ... "You can't live on fruits and Veggies alone!" ... "Organic is the only way!" ... and so and so forth. I've pretty much done it all and when I get it right I soon forget that magic list of how it all worked for me. To keep it simple ... this week I will only be having two meals a day with weigh loss friendly fruits and high density veggies in between - BUT mostly water with the odd herbal tea. Timing will be based on how I am feeling as for now I can feel myself living off the fat. That is to say I am seemingly passing the stage of not feeling hungry - OR - in that phase where I know the difference between cravings and anxiety. The latter a real issue when it comes to me and food. I'll find tune the gist of this approach later through the week and see what the next weigh in brings.

Other Factors:
All that the other factors still come into play but not something I will log in at this stage other than to name them for the sake of locking into the back of my brain. Weighing all these is not so easy but plays a big part as when that balance falls apart, the poison soon creeps back in.

Walking
Sensible Sunlight Exposure
Circadian Routine
Increased Hygiene - Both Psychical and Sleeping Environment
Relationships
Chores
Free Time (brake from family responsibilities)
__________________________

A few points missing and more info on each would be interesting.
Today I go get more fresh food and work on some of the above. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/object/door-smiley-emoticon-emoji.png

Hope to get in a scooter ride somewhere in all that as well.

[Ponder]

Struggled hard today. Pleased to say I made through.

I am aware of the negitive vibes ... but will stay true to my resolve and do my best not to feed it. Those reading will come to thier own conclusion.

I reject all that hate and humilation, but only do so whilst accepting all that which resides in me.

Live and let others be.
Zzzzzzzzzzzz night night.

[Ponder]

I think I gain a lot from seeing how it is that I do both; fight and flight. Although the main context on the subject typically talked about, is the back and forth switching/jerking of deeply felt negatively impacting emotions. Some us with chronic mental illness will feel it like a constant throbbing. I often wonder whether I'm growing some kind of cyst or not. That's not to say I can't be stable and suffer the same thing. In fact there are many times where the struggle becomes harder the more I try to pretend such suffering does not exist. I often find myself acting out. During such times when doing so I am aware that I have become unstable and often remove myself from both triggers and source. There are others times where I become more at home with such negativity. The latter more in line with addiction; aka attachments. I think everybody has a predisposition to both. It's hard not to get sucked into all that negativity. It's really is a black hole. Social media and even forums like these are seemingly becoming worse for such things. Yet here I am myself. Best I can say to that, is "it's not the place I call home that make me, me. More so what I say and think, is what makes my home, home.

It goes way beyond that ... but that's a good start. I'd only add to that, where I focus makes or breaks that start. Hence to say this is the main reason I'm not biting into the negativity that's feeding those who thrive on such misery. I have never really liked the act of commiseration of any kind. There is no definition that anyone can come up with when using such a limited language. Especially when it's expressed with such a tone. Nevertheless it does spread like wildfire and this is what drives the mob mentality. I'm still looking into all kinds of fascinating conspiracies that deal with the way in which malevolent and corrupt higher powers manipulate and control. Not so much for the Hollywood Drama, but for a greater understanding of how my own mind works. Once I understand the infectious nature of such negative energies, I feel much more able in my attempts to find peace. It also helps in locking others out that you know are trying to control; be it higher powers or simply little triggers. Typically both where once is doing the others bidding; with or without knowing.
__________________________________

I best get ready. Cleaner is coming. I want to straighten things out a little before she arrives. This support has been a huge help. I now find myself being cleaner then I was before. I still need to work on it, but it's been a massive improvement. The yard care also another element of my supports. Permanently affected and warranted. Yet somehow I am feeling OK when I write like I did above. In this view I reject those labels that have me warranted, yet there is much truth within the symptoms. I look forward to my 1st meeting coming up on the 29th with a new ASD/ADHD therapist. I have been getting roasted more and more of late in not just only this forum but others as well when I ask simple questions using too many words. Often I do no understand what others are saying, and then they laugh all the more. Of course when I play into it, it starts to make my head throb as described before. Thankfully I am seeing that process of negativity play out as also previously outlined. My episodic nature certainly does not help.

For now though ... this change of tune is helping. It's far from cowering. Quite the opposite in fact.

Today's challenge is to ride my scooter into a shopping center car park with pride. hehe I love that damn sexy scooter. Truth is, no one is laughing at me. I do however see a LOT of envious looks, some less positive, but many with genuine smiles. That more than makes up for those few who thrive on the above.
So if you will excuse me, I have an open coffee house to attend where I can show off my ride ... I best stick to drinking water though as that part of my routine is also going well.

Adios ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/angry/smiley.gif.... https://i.ibb.co/nRJs7qq/scooter-dog.png

[Ponder]

On Target Zzzzzzzzzz 👍

[Ponder]

Time to start journaling with some photos like I used to do.

First things first ... Presenting Ponder and his grandson:

My Number One Human Being: Little Joe Joe.

https://i.ibb.co/HtnB6KQ/Pop-and-Joey.jpg
How quick time goes!



I'll finish with something else close to my heart right now:
https://i.ibb.co/wRN6jVF/My-Off-Road-Urban-Scooter.jpg

Man that thing flys. I am yet to take it up to 60km/h. Yet to find an appropriate stretch of road and the right time. Might help if I also get some more experience. I have nearly clocked up 100km. This has truly been a Godsend for me. I am making trips across town not too far off the times that it takes when I am using my car. Although I don't get to use my car that often as my wife uses it mostly running little joey and herself around. I attend a lot of my own appointments centered around my mental health. It's big business these days as I am sure some of you know. Chuckles a little at that. For instance, I have the psychotherapy sessions to keep up, GP (do my best to avoid those, but needed to roll over subsidies here and there) Psychiatrist (still seeing one) - mental health group - Holistic Therapy and the odd meetup with a mental health peer here and there. Adding to this maybe a new support worker ... but not really sure. Have enough on my plate for now with the family court and the little guy starting school very soon. Have had to step up a bit with more chores in the house now we have the little one full time.

Which is pretty much why I am doing my best to get on top of my health. I can't afford to keep using food as a filler for stress. At my age, that's a quick and or sorry long drawn out death. That little guy has been with us all the way since he was birthed. (full time supported daughter and grandson but now he lives full time with us) Sad to say his mum cut and run ... but I understand how the pressure of the system can do that to a person. The latter word there sounding off persecution in my head. This world loves to blame and shame.

The latest news on that front, We were contacted by the little fella's psychologist who after listing to some audio file my wife made re our grandson coming back all distressed from his fathers visit - we have been advised to contact child protection to make a notification against the father. During his last 3 day visit, my grandson was forced into a strict regime of toilet training. Like I said before, the little guy is ASD lvl 2. I think his father is embarrassed that he is still in nappies. Long story short, the father has already beaten my grandson when he was 16 months old and also abuse another one of his children for having pooed in their nappy. Anyways, Little Joey there has been telling us how he is now again getting hit. It's sad that it is going on, but I am really proud that the little guy is strong enough to let us know. It all goes deeper than that and whilst some here who support smacking kids ... well ... we won't tolerate having our grandson treated like that. Poor kid is going to have enough of a hard time stating in a state school still in a nappy - but he has got ligament issues that varioius professionals on this end our helping with. I don't know though. The whole abuse thing is just ripping me somewhat. I struggle when other kids can't help themselves and start staring at my little boy because he is different. But to then hear this crap going on with his own father. Sigh ... It seems everyone on all sides of the fence and from different angles are struggling with shame and blame. It always comes back to that. This world really sucks with how it uses such conditioning ... lots of fear based techniques.

Sometimes you really do just got to say FUCK IT! I doubt I even explained any of that correctly but that's OK. This here is the space in which I let such things out so I can better address said crap in the tangible world. I hope my daughter is doing OK. Despite the abuse in his fathers side, our grandson as you can see above is yet still in good spirits. Mostly because we accept him for who he is - the world can go fuck itself when it comes to expecting people like us to simply fit it!!!

Sigh ...

OK - I am going back to my movie now. JOKER 2019. I can so relate to that guy it's funny and not at the same time. I even laugh like him.

Like I said ... keeping it real.

Night night folks.

[Ponder]

A very good split pea soup (vegan) (https://simple-veganista.com/split-pea-soup/) Having a crack at this now. Not sure I will get the same texture, but it's smelling quite good atm. Starting to struggle a bit with side effects of no junk or processed foods. But no where near as damaging as when I was trying the meds. Over than the sweating and craving I am feeling less pain and itching. Not sure I will lose much weight this week, but that's OK as like I say, despite the sweating and cravings, I am feeling much MUCH better. Happy if I break even this coming Sunday. For some reason I am feeling quite low emotionally, but then I guess that is to be expected still early into the transition.

[Ponder]

Bed before 9pm. Wiped Out. Zzzzzzzz hour + brisk walk. Still no junk food ... sweets, additives and so on. All whole foods. Too tired to type from phone. Hight temps in the 30+cellcius with extreme humidity. Highest temp ever in the evening two nights ago. Can't wait till summer settles down. All the more reason to stay trim and clean next cycle.

[Ponder]

On the fly this morning. As soon as I opened my eyes I knew what I must do to keep my progress going. I dragged myself out of bed, rubbed my eyes and slowly went through the process of getting dressed. I greeted the others in the house and eventually trudged on out the door for what ended up in a one hour twenty minute sold walk. Upon arriving home I filled the sink to start a batch of dishes, headed into the shower and then eventually wound up on this. I have less than 30 minutes left to finish the dishes, get dressed and get my scooter read for my next trip; a 9:00 am appointment. Takes a breath.

I savor a few minutes now because I am allowing enough time for the scooter ride there. That ride taking me the long way around so I can better enjoy the feeling of movement and wind in my face. (as you know I have no hair)

Although I have only been recording my weigh ins at once I week, I have been on occasion checking in between. The results are not budging, but that's all good as composition, aches and pains are all good. I do note I continue to feel exhausted, however see that as part of the process so early in. It's going to take at least 8 weeks imo for that to subside. Bit like with how GPs give you the lecture on trialing new medication. Takes X number of weeks for the body to give in. In my case, it's about my body taking back control.

Righto ... enough said. On with my goals.

[Ponder]

Stress Free Travel - Absolutely loving the scooter.

https://i.ibb.co/5swcRC7/Stress-Free-Travel.jpg

[Ponder]

Shares A Link:

https://i.ibb.co/jv5gt35/4-28-CC-HOME-Unfriend-Facebook.jpg

Sometimes ya just got to lighten the load.

[Ponder]

____________________
________
_

ONE OF MY FAVORITE RAIN VIDEOS/AUDIO TO SLEEP TO


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q76bMs-NwRk&t=8239s

Still On Track - Night Night http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleeping-smiley-face.gif

[Ponder]

Impressive hauling capabilities. That's no lightweight laptop and I brought along a few more accessories; thermos, extra shirt, portable battery, two pairs of glasses, ear buds, wallet and phone. Forgot the damn mosquitoe replant. I powered on through the off road track to get here without issues whatsoever. Well actually I did two controlled slide-outs traveling at 25km/h on a couple of bends which I thought looked pretty cool. hehe. It's not a bad spot. I have the ocean to my left. Home is about three and a half clicks away. I have often wanted to head off walking down the road with my huge laptop bag on my back looking for such a spot to write from. After a couple of times I found the weight of this setup a bet too heavy as it would shift from side to side whenever I would break into a brisk walk. Standing on the scooter with only a few slight moves from time to time is like walking in the breeze. Could not be more happier with the option to now write from outdoors.

https://i.ibb.co/JpX2T6w/Off-Road-Mobile-Office.jpg

So where am I at in this little journal of mine? I must say the concept of writing like so has served me well with regards to setting up goals. Tomorrow is weigh on and as suspected, my weight has not really budged ... possible increased. That's OK because I know it's just part of the phase. Regardless of the numbers I have worked really hard to stay on track with my clean eating. In that I give myself a pat on the back. It's just SOOO easy to give in with just one treat, just one sip or one drive through. I have said NO whilst those around partake in those divine choices.

Sleep wise - I did better in the first week but sill doing much better than a couple of weeks ago. I did mention I am struggling with fatigue. I put that down to the transition, but kind of worried about it for some reason. I'm hopping it is the extreme sultry weather. I won't make a call on that till the weather cools down in about another 8 weeks. That's a LONG way off for someone giving up all the treats. Where food was the easy answer, I will just have to resort to getting out of the house a little more doing this kind of thing. My grandson starts school soon, so that will free up some time. Today he is at birthday party. I must admit that's been a massive transition, having been thrust upon my wife and I at the school break. That's another thing I say that has been done rather well. We have a good routine back in place - like the previous times we had to do the parenting thing. On that note we are putting in a missing persons report. Given the nature of who she left with and lifestyle that our daughter has now taken up. No word for a long time now. That does not sit well with either myself or my wife. Making that report seems the right thing to do. That said, looks like we are just going to have to accept what is and where it goes. We just keep doing what we must on our end.
_____________________________

Still plenty of battery power left in this beast. Hmmmmm ... Man the air is smelling fresh! Wish is came through my bedroom window like this. Pitty I sold my good camping hammock. Is going to be a while before I can get anything. I could still use my son's open one even though there is no mozzy net. I'll just bring it when it's windy and cooler. Thinking of the mosquitoes I am. This is really good! I think half my issue is with the indoor air and the house being shut up so much. It needs to be that way as my wife's condition require air con with stable temps. I don't like it for me, but that's OK - Like I say, it's needed for my other half. Honestly ... the temps just seem to be getting hotter and what with everyone all air con bound, it's only going to be more a thing. I think I feel it more because I like to stay outdoors more while those who don't ... well ... I don't think they suffer the great changes in temps like I do ... then there is the stuffy air regardless of being cold. Every morning I make sure to air the place out and in the evenings I still open my bedroom window regardless of the heat. No doing so I will often wake up feeling quite oxygen deprived. Exercise does help with that, but the exhaustion of late is making that a little problematic.

Think I will head home now and then get in another walk. I am still putting a lot of focus on my walking as that helps with circulation when I do it briskly enough.

Looks like rain is coming. Hopefully I get home in time, then I grab an umbrella because walking like that in the rain I like as well. Less people about too, although I have done pretty good of late getting about on that scooter.

OK - That's a wrap.

[Ponder]

A little something to keep the negative entities at bay. When all else fails you can't go wrong with juicing. LOL @ ice-cream packing in the top left of photo. My Grandson's! ... Not mine! - I SWEAR ON IT!

https://i.ibb.co/bFxnFg6/Back-to-juicing.jpg


I have not reached near my capacity when it comes to passionate writing re my most successful healing strategies. There was a time during my say in here that I excelled at such things. Then for whatever reason I was dragged down. To be sure I am as much as fault for allowing it to happen. I'm going to relate that to negative entities in the forum of 'others' and hold true to my own set of - hmmm - LONG PAUSE - 'Not Beliefs' ... I'll say 'theories' Yea ... My set of theories. Pondering on those is where I easily sense that I am leaving many people behind and most definitely writing to one's self. I do hope an inkling rings with others, but that kind of fathoming leaves the sleeping; sleeping. You know your on track when others start to joke or make fun of you. So in response to that, I say it's time to upgrade the carrot munching and bring on the juice!

Off to the markets today. I might only get a few things - Just so I can take my SCOOOOOTER. https://i.ibb.co/WWqDDtJ/Haha.gif Woops ... could not help that one. That one goes out to the forum bullies. Seriously ... lets see how hard core I can get with this juicing.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ______________________________________________


Edit → almost forgot:

https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/t/wnvrmGd/weight.png (https://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wnvrmGd/)
Was a very hard week ... weight stayed the same, but the fact I have kept eating clean is a win win. Now ready to up the ante!

[Ponder]

Took the car instead. Decided to get a few days worth of supplies - possibly the longer part of a week, but doubtful when all I will be eating is fruits and veggies: Loads more variety in the fridge - this was just topping up.

https://i.ibb.co/9tL1KYR/Veggies.jpg

Green Juice for breakfast and Carrot juice just now before bed. Salad for lunch and lightly steam veggies for dinner. Did well today. I was fairly regular and no bloating whatsoever. Definitely still feeling hollow at times (cravings) but a much more manageable feeling state. Not one that makes me feel like eating, but more easily control with drinking water and or herbal tea. Worst comes to worst ... I just munch on carrots and a few leaves. Now if I can keep that up for a week, I think it's certain that I will have dropped a few more KGs. YET that's not so much the goal as it is to reset my gut health. Have not bothered shaving due to the extra effort in this transition. I'll up that part of my hygiene tomorrow. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz The carrot juice seems to be working. lol I had 8 ounces ... depending on next weeks weigh in, I might drop that back to 4 ounces as is the recommended amount re sugar levels. For now ... I will dial it back to 6 ounces before bed for the rest of the week. 177ml or two 3rds of a cup.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz

[Ponder]

PPS - Then Bed

THOUGHT THIS WAS COOL


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnb7EqfykF4

Now ZZZZZ Land calls ...

[Ponder]

It was a hard day today. I lost my far sighted glasses and in that process whilst all angst up over trying to find them, I pulled my neck yet again. I seem to struggle with stress building up in my neck quite often as I have pulled that area quite often other the last year. Thankfully I still have my reading glasses and I can get by without my farsighted ones for now. Hopefully when I heal a little and calm down some, my missing glasses will pop back up when I least expect it. If not I will just have to replace them, although my scooter has set me back for a whiles to come.

Other than that ... holding true to eating clean and juicing in the morning and before bed. Fruits and veggies between with only a few beans. It's hard core to be true and not something I intend to keep up for too long. It is more a cleansing attempt as well as a gut reset. Healthy GUT - Healthy Mind ... although not quite that simple.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Here's willing me neck to improve immensely overnight. ZZZZZzzzz night night.

[Ponder]

Neck pain gone, glasses found, all is good. Little one started school today and making progress in other areas. Computer Charity also running just fine with more donations coming in and another computer going out. We (My wife and I) just opened a new Origin Gaming account that we can share without risk of being hacked. That's going to be an interesting perk for our recipients to log on one at a time to try out different games. I have a laptop to setup later this evening actually with a couple more ready for the refurbishing bench.

Food wise I am going very VERY good. I can feel the excess fat feeding my body as I rely on not much more than veggies Juice, raw salads and steam vegetables with a few whole fruits. Lots of water in between with the odd herbal tea ... speaking of which ...

[Ponder]

Good Morning

https://i.ibb.co/kQYcWRc/Morning-Calm.jpg
DETOX - TIME TO BACK OFF A LITTLE:
I woke up just after 4am somewhat tired but felt much better after I got up. Due to my eczema issue and despite losing another 2kg over the last couple of days, I am going to back off the juicing for now. My broken anatomy is taking too much of a hit. The whole missing gallbladder thing and resultant taxed liver, generally complicate my detox phases compared to that of younger and less affected individuals. I also don't have the best kidneys. Additionally the stress that my journey presents combined with whatever labels (I care less to identify with) also see me with digestion issues. It's time for me to easy up a little on the amount of detoxing pressure I put on my system. I am sure the eczema for whatever trigger is a sign for me to listen. The eczema itself in on my face and quite uncomfortable. Today I will resume eating some oats and include some more healthy fats throughout the day but still keep an eye on portion control as well as timings. I don't feel the hungry but somewhat in a little discomfort and sweaty. I just need to reduce the intensity of my health reclamation. Might go put those steal cut oats on now and throw in some prunes while I am at it then add some banana and top of with spiraling. Yea ... that will do the trick; never fails. I think a little more on where I want the next bit of text to go.

1st APPOINTMENT WITH NEW THERAPIST:
I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing going back to a therapist. I've been having a break after '8 years' of regular 6 weeks visits between two previous therapists. The last therapist did not end things well - She put up boundaries. Whilst I had/have no issue with the concept of doing so, it was the way she did it and from a position that now saw us on two totally different pages. Previous to this government changes were made where the role of therapists being funded - involved a little more paper work. She no longer liked her newly defined role as it related to keeping me on as her client. It was getting in the way of our sessions and I new it. I will bring this point up today with the new proposed therapist. Transparency is a must. Regardless of faults from whoever, it was clearly time for me to move on. That said, the 4 years with her were as beneficial as the previous 4 years with another. YET - there can be one or two traps to watch out for when utilizing psychotherapy as a full time support. I'd say the 1st if pretty much the same as medication. That being - The Reliance Trap. A book to be written on that for sure. The next trap - The Identification Trap. That's it. No need to go beyond that with the traps. I think those two sum up the cons re full time psychotherapy. How do I handle those traps?

First of all, the reason I was using psychotherapy for so long was two fold. 1st because Mood Altering Medication does not work for brain or better said ... My Being. If it did, I would of still utilized psychotherapy which brings me to my second reason of using psychotherapy for as long as I did and why I may be venturing back onto the same path. I knew/know/feel how to make it work for me. In as much as I am writing like so ... once again ... in a way that helps ground me on a level that I can understand ... my way of learning ... my way of consoling and so on ...

So too, I utilize therapy as a means to an end. It's just another tool in which I am in control, although that term (control) as much a trap as reliance and identity. It's enough to say that I use my therapy like I do when I am in touch ... in touch within my journals. In doing do, I de-clincalise the process and do my best to keep it real/organic/grounded. I've never done well with white rooms, yet find something appealing about the nature of bright light ... yet at the same time can be easily overwhelmed with such intensity or as I feel it when in such rooms. (Now I am going on ... focus ... today I need to get the right approach ...

My Approach ... This either makes or breaks me. I won't just take on any therapist. This point I feel many people give up on too easy. Just because the therapist I will be seeing today is a specialist in ASD and ADHD is not enough to convince me I will continue seeing her. As with any therapist I see, I have my own set of laws as much as mother nature has hers. Yet I can be my own worst enemy if I don't handle my nerves. 1st and foremost, I must remind myself it is I that chose to initiate this meeting. This element is easy to forget for those of us that do not like white walls. Our self destructive nature tends to get the best of us when trying to help ourselves. Typically during those times our nerves get the best of us. With this in mind ... I need to pave the way re my anxiety. Example:

I am pinning a little over whether or not they will allow me to bring my scooter in as I do not like the low spec security out the front of their office combined with the fact that expense bikes and electric rides have been hot for thieves of late. Add to this that the day before I was in their office seeing my grandson's therapist. At the end of that visit, when I asked about my scooter, they could not say for sure but simply indicated that they did not think it would be a problem. The secretary and owner of building were not present. So today I am taking a risk where I may very well not take on this therapist if I am not permitted to store my ride in their building. I do have mixed feelings about that as I also want to see this person rather than base my decision on my scooter. See how the anxiety is already building up? Although my car is not available, I could walk ... yet I feel I could pull it off going with what my grandson's therapist said "...... it should be OK ...." I'll throw in one more element to add to the anxiety. Shop Talk ... seeing another therapist within the same firm that another family member also attends. Like we are not seeing the same therapist, but they do work for the same firm. I have nothing to hide ... clearly ... but I guess there is something to be said for compartmentalization. This is where the whole 'family court' issue created complexes on many levels as too pressure ... yet at the same time a good reason therapy can help. At least therapy as I understand it. To summarize here and keep on track with My Approach ... to today's 1st make or break appointment ... I have to put to rest all the above anxiety. How do I do that?

Smiles ... long story and I have not even jumped on my scooter yet. Well ... That's it. I AM TAKING MY SCOOTER. It's my transport and that's important to me. I'll just have a good line of explanation re the low spec security. I'll bend the handle bar stem down and carry the 36kg in one hand as if it's 3 - Yea right! But yea ... I'll do that all in one movement as I make my entrance through the slide door and but the scooter up against a spot I already logged in my brain before leaving yesterday. Once they see it fits snuggle in that spot and I put down my helmet and greet them with my explanation and mention my grandson and the other lady who thought " it should be OK ..." I think I will pull it off. If not ... I'll write about that in my next post. :) As for the shop talk re other family members being at the same firm ... and regardless of supposed professional ethic response I know I will get ... I will simply bring it up. I wont' bring up the issue of my so call laws that I previously compared to mother natures other than say those kinds of boundaries are something best unfolded over time.

It can take a few visits as well as a few times making new appointments with new professionals - before deciding on one I consider that really listens or really likes their job. One sad reality I find to that is how they type of funding the therapist receives often impacts how my meetings go in relation to this approach of which I speak. Later on, as I reveal this aspect of myself ... I typically see the preconditioned human side the therapist. BUT - that's OK ... we are all fallible ... imo perfection is not possible although I my ego always wants its way. More over working with the imperfections is most likely to bring positive results ... more so... that way of being ... that stability that I am seeking. ... and this my friends leads into other areas of how to make therapy work once you have nailed selecting the right therapist that gells well for you.
_______________________________________

Righto. It's obvious I am very nervous. I don't want to identify with my labels regardless of seeing a specialist and nor do I wish to become reliant on the all to often shallow perspective of those funding as well as my own preconditioned views. I'll deal with the scooter issue when I arrive and be upfront about all the rest doing my best to make both my approach and transition as anxiety free as can be.

I'm off for a walk in the hope some quality UV will assist my skin ... too much makes it worse, yet a enough of it sterilizes and soothes. Such it is to walk a fine line for those infected within a toxic world.

Here's to working on healing. ;)

[Ponder]

HUG HUGE DAY - I have still been listening to this as I venture off into sleep ... very very effective for me. I find it's best if I use a speaker next to my bed.

Goodnight:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q76bMs-NwRk

[Ponder]

Good Morning


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubL_HF2RGsA



Another solid day yesterday but not so much that I was overwhelmed. My goal towards healthier choices is coming along well. I've been listening (once again via text to speech app) to a book on eating less when out on my walks. - [ Eating Less Say Goodbye to Overeating By Gillian Riley] - It's quite in depth and tackles really well the psychology on eating unlike the many other books I have read.

You can check the book out Here (https://drive.google.com/open?id=1JmlIZxvv6tRYHD40nuhwDhnNyyzrDlMh) - Fair warning though, any books I make available are for use with text to speech. I use this app to read the books → @Voice Aloud Reader (https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.hyperionics.avar&hl=en_AU) (TTS Reader) I also use much better sounding voices that I have paid for. I recommend 'England Male Graham' ... purely subjective of course.


Sometimes the information is not an par for me, but then at other times what I struggle with earlier then makes much more sense having listened further on. Not because of what is said, but because of how I allow myself to listen whilst relating to my own experiences. In this I do feel none of my past efforts are a waste despite the episodic nature of my being. In fact I am currently feeling quite empowered knowing I have much under my belt when it comes to the practice of building self esteem. Moreover the nature of my walk from this point is to focus on healing without the need to glorify old stories, create and get wound up in new ones. Doing so is what drags me and others down. This plays very much into why I have been cutting ties re social media as I'll touch on soon enough. Intuition on a personal level is intrinsic to my moving on. Where my intention is to again reconnect with previous long bouts of peaceful states and find lots of head space. Yet to do so in a way that is not as addictive as my preconditioning. In this I am very much working against my subconscious which is why I still struggle to this day when it comes to keeping a meditation practice. My approach to this is much the same way as it is with eating less. I am pleased to say it's evidently progressing well.

I note I am still reactive as I'm releasing toxins in both my body and feeling states. Thankfully I finished off yesterday in a good mindset with a quiet relaxing scooter ride. I have now mastered all the different transitions speed wise which I can only hope to do for my mind.

On that note ... is time for my morning walk. My times are not strict ... but they are thankfully in the moment and somewhat in sync.

It's now good to know the difference between true hunger vs emotional weakness. You can't call it deprivation when you know the act of eating is more spawn from lack of control. So it is that I will give full credit to the empty feeling in my stomach instead of giving in to the self destructive whims of others who typically justify their own lack of will. A scenario often experienced at social gatherings when making healthy choices in a fast food or limited setting. 'My Inability' to deal with negative people is something that I own up to rather than blame the short comings of others. I do however acknowledge in my own way how it is that a toxic society chooses to amass in their groups using the same toxic mind sets and tools. An addiction in itself that elicits sad and bitter people great pleasure. I note to self how easily and readily that residual negativity infects and spreads. So how does one acknowledge all that and remove the resultant bad taste from such a knowing? How to remain in a state of peace sitting among all those grimaces?

I think for me from my position, my knowing ... it is to accept that true peace is a state small in number. That my mental illness is not just about - me. I have simply woken up in a spot of awareness, that whilst surrounded by my own perceptions - I can now see how it is with so many. How it is ... that such affects me. How it is that I allow all that to affect me. Absolutely I am super sensitive, but I feel it is not healthy for me to reject the way I be ... or continue taking on the impacting tone of others which I typically take on as my own. This being the essence of that negative state that comes from ongoing commiseration. Time to break away from the atypical way of communicating in social media and likewise platforms. This one included. In this I embrace my eccentricity and ridiculed states. Smiles as I feel deeply the truth as I can only know it.
_______________________________________

On with 'my' day. Oh yea ... much of that in it's meaning and current state also validate my acceptance to be alone with myself. No phobia in that at all. If I can remain in such a state, I foresee that I will continue to connect with those in similar states .. but content in the knowing that number is far away and few.

[Ponder]

I think I did really well this week. I'll hit the scales tomorrow with positive results no doubt. That said I can handle the psychology of any negatives that comes from using scales. Feeling like I will sleep well tonight. I log in the following video as my response to all the drama others are currently wrapped up in. I had some drama the other day, but like I said - I'm done with echoing low vibes. Tomorrow morning I look forward to getting up and going for my morning walk. Nothing complex ... just a casual walk. The next week will be a big one as I'll be jumping back into the walk trot, walk trot routine doing laps at the sports oval as I have done on previous bouts. This time I have someone else to keep me company.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9nqB8BwGHU

[Ponder]

The change in tune seems to be working:

https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/t/walQsan/weight.png (https://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/walQsan/)

Time to go play some high tech simulations that I ENJOY. Is good that I have some healthy desire running through my veins once more. Is a slow process getting back up with it being harder than the previous time. I wonder if this time round I can beat more then two years in a row after hitting my goal weight. Long term plan - I will aim for five years on the maintenance path with just over 2 years beating my record. I will allow another 6 months before hitting my target .. but at my current rate, think I'll be nearing completion in 3.

This week ... see how I go with walk - trot - walk - trot and simple stretching. Most important is to keep up the mindset and healthy eating. For once I am glad to say I have no opinion; other than that which I seek to loose. Feeling much lighter in body, mind and spirit since attempting to do so.

[Ponder]

5am - waiting on a guy I don't know. He is being paid to accompany me whilst I exercise. I've mention more than a few times about my varioius supports. This time I just quickly ponder on why I utilize such services? Essentially his role is based on helping me to feel comfortable whilst I am out in public. I do have outcomes I am obligated to meet, but they are not as pressured or come with as much risk if I am unable to complete; compared to when I was a mainstream job seeker welfare recipient. I'm still on welfare and my support does not come from that same service. The welfare I am on is called disability support. That one is purely money for pay for rent, food,utilities and medication. The funding for my supports comes from another agencies called National Disability Insurance Scheme - aks - NDIS. But anyways ... all that stuff is political and gets as much negative attention from social media as all the other groups. I only mention it to highlight where I fit on the anxiety scale. Why it is that I often talk about my supports.

I've also questioned those supports over time. I've pondered if I am better with or without them. I am grateful for them. I'll say that much. I quite proactive with them as well. That I am known for. When being like so, that's when I write my journal with the intention to set goals and for the most part achieve them as well. I've become my own little expert in that arena - but the accolade means little to me. It's good to have skills - but nailing the episodic nature of instability is something else. Bit like how having knowledge is one thing but without the will to apply it and or genuine intent - it can be as much as one's undoing.

SIGH - what's really on my mind - "is this guy going to have a uniform on?" Like I know I am a commodity and this new fella I am meeting is service provider - but anyone that knows me ... I don't like 'advertising.' I already headed off the office with an email reading this, but was the week end. I figure I will just have to explain it to the new helper. See, I have even redefined his role with me taking him from a walking billboard down to me level on some kind of degree. It's the same with those walking around with tags for all to see. I won't have it in an informal environment. Don't mind it when I am seeing doctors and have a support worker present. I think there is a place for it and then a place not to have it. This society is way too judgmental when it comes to that sort of thing.

Smiles - because the whole support is centered around making a client feel safe, secure and less vulnerable. With my certified predisposition that warrant the support, such advertising could not be more ironic or counter intuitive. Me - I am super intuitive.

He'll be here soon - hmmmm - I'll just give him a smile like I did then ... If I see him wearing a uniform. I was thinking of not getting in his car if it is so ... but will go ahead and just tell him if he can't come to future engagements informally to an informal settings, then I will just have to find someone else.

Triggers ... I really should of accounted for this as its a common one with not only just me. Interesting topic though. I best get off this thing and calm down before I self sabotage.

Sometimes I wonder if there is more pressure having this kind of support when it's done in such a manner (advertised) compared to when I am just doing my best to deal with the public on my own ... we shall see. Will report when I get back.

1st time is always a nervous affair.

[Ponder]

It all went well. Could not be more pleased with the outcome. Getting the above off my chest really helped. It was kind of funny, because the guy turned up late, got out of his car with a smoke and his windows all wound up. I was kind of glad because it was something I was expecting. The validation of my intuition had overridden any of the negative triggers. In that moment I was able to impart a smile liken to previously expressed one; in above post. I greeted the guy and had the conversation I needed to have with all things being upfront and transparent. I told him I like to be out the front waiting for my pickup so it helps if we are all on time. I proceeded to let him know I would compromise on the smoke if he could at least do so with his windows down prior to picking me up and thereafter refrain whilst I am in his vehicle. I moved on to disclosing that although I will often be found swearing that I do not like using such method of communicating in general. It's part of the main reason I am being supported. Chuckles to myself on that fact. Sigh ...

The fact is, it was a good meet up and he seemed to like that fact that I was straight up. NO BS ... it's either going to work or it's not. Simple. If your interested in reading what you might consider my BS - but do so because your have nothing better else to do or find it more interesting than atypical commiseration belittling other groups ... then I will cut and paste my recent complaint that actually relates to my anxiety that was building up before this meet. It's about the way I was offended regarding a team leader who shuffles support workers around and or sets up client interactions. She spoke extremely loosely with me at first which made me question the quality of support. The mental health field has been booming over the last several years with the implementation of a number of government funded projects. That boom whilst seemingly hopeful is also rife with many cons. Almost to the point of seeing Xcons being given too much slack when it comes to taking the reigns. This being the negative side of lived experience in the 'open work place.' Please forgive me as I know that is pretty much shop talk for those employed in the community sector ... no discounting the consumer/street smart clients.

Will have to make the read a separate one as too many characters for this one post. It takes time and effort to set one's path. Most care less to try. In my view, I think the effort really paid off.

[Ponder]

Complaint:

INTRO: This complaint was also logged online via [Blank] Please be aware I will be sending a copy of this complaint to my coordinator Tania ... who worked so hard in helping me get this support. Note* I had the phone call on speaker phone and Tania was present and part of the discussion. I will also send to the offending local office if I find that option.

NOTE* I apologise that this complaint is long. I did however take the time to make it flow and be mindful in all aspects. If quality of service is something you truly aspire to, I highly recommend you read this in full. Thank You.
_____________________________________________


A well meaning team leader whom I only know as Jody from the [Blank] Fraser Coast [Blank] office ... deeply offended me. I am sure Jody is unaware that she has affected me like so – which I feel makes my complaint more necessary regarding the need for professionalism.


This complaint is a perfect example of why agency based support is presenting difficulties for me and plays into another facet of the unprofessional way in which I was handled.




OUTCOME I AM SEEKING:
1. Do not instruct Jody to speak with me as a result of this complaint.
2. I wish never to speak with Jody again.


I will ask my coordinator if it's not too much work, if I can just inform her of any changes or issues I have with my support. I would ask that you consider allowing my coordinator to facilitate this preference for me; if Tania is open to that idea.


I can only see the support going two ways. Either is works or it does not. Both my coordinator and I have worked well with things like this. I disagree and find offence in the way some agencies strongly oppose sole contractors. I will emphasise and explain this point further in the below details of the complaint.

Out of respect for my coordinator and the support workers who are making the time for me, I will continue to give the proposed support a trial. This complaint should act as positive feedback although the content has spawned an extreme negative feeling state in me which is 100% counter intuitive to why I am seeking support. I hope someone in LPS that gets this will give it a fair hearing as well as improve ongoing services when it comes to communicating in a professional manner.
______________________________________


THE COMPLAINT: [Two Parts]
1. Negative Impact of Using derogatory language.
2.Pushing Opinions, Not Listening and Interrupting Client.
__________

1. NEGATIVE IMPACT of USING DEROGATORY LANGUAGE -

… in which the offence I took was further exacerbated when this team leader proposed a hypothetically comparing one support worker against another. As I was not recording the conversation I can only do my best to quote. You can check with my coordinator whose email I have provided and was also present … I quote “ … You never know David, he might turn out to be a fuckwit!”


I understand that some workers feel they must adopt/reflect what they consider is the persona of a client in order to better communicate. I can see no other reason why a professionally employed staff member of a disability support service would ever resort to using such language with a client. Using this reflected/informal communication technique is not something your team leaders should be adopting when having never met or having no real understanding of a client. It's takes time to foster a respected relationship before one can warrant the use of anything other than professional terms. I have never met Jody and she does not know me. What Jody did in her position is very unprofessional and disrespects not only myself but also the other proposed support workers; including my coordinator who was present. Tania has taken the time to know and respect me. I like to think this respect is mutual despite the times I myself have offend.


Any informal language adopted between my coordinator and I has taken time so that even when talking loosely, we still have boundaries. Jody's extremely loose approach when speaking with me, left me feeling disrespected, vulnerable, sad and later I extremely angry.

One Key Point - I would suggest in all this regrading the Cons outweighing the Pros when it comes to the use of unprofessional communicating, is that when using swear words with many PTSD clients, is to grasp how such negative words can instantly manifest high levels of toxic feelings in which some clients work so hard to overcome. I am ashamed when I use such language because I don't like the person who I become when using such negative terms. More to the point, I try to be as compassionate as I can with some supports focused entirely on that. In this light, Jody could not of done more to offend me the way she did.



REASON FOR SUPPORT:

So that I feel less vulnerable, less fearful when out running around an oval early in the morning dealing with others who disrespect my space. These could be people smoking on a sports ground as I am doing laps. Others letting their dogs run off leash in an area not meant for dogs or just seemingly wishing to get in my way. I have often not responded well during such situations using the same language your team leader uses which is why when I hear such terms, I instantly feel negative states emotions. My support is all about doing what I can to overcome such ways of being. In this light, this is exactly why your staff should not assume to use such negative terms when dealing with people like me. We are not so simple. In fact many of us are regarded as complex. All the more reason for professional standards and respect. This is how I will aim to behave when in the company of any of your support workers. There are many times where I wonder who is the support person and who is the client. I mean no disrespect in sharing that. Just being honest from my perspective is all.
_________________________


2.Pushing Opinions, Not Listening and Interrupting Client:

A couple of points I was trying to make that were not being heard and resulted in me being interrupted and unable to speak when I was trying to.

Here are some of the points I was trying to make:


1. I don't like having more than one worker.
2. I was very anxious about having to meet two different people on two consecutive days.
3. I don't like having workers shuffled around if one is sick.
4. I would prefer to skip or go it alone on that day.
5. If a match does not work out with one worker then I will decide when and if I able to try another.
I tried to raise these points a few times myself but was interrupted by Jody where then the use of her swear words for descriptions and reasoning just make me more withdrawn. Thankfully Tania eventually included herself in the conversation to advocate for me. I need consistency. This point I believe was being misunderstood in terms of not just ensuring that support workers chosen have a better change to turn up after discussing the pros and cons re workers with young children where I have been experiencing difficulties with cleaners keep taking time off. What was happening was that Jody felt strongly about focusing the discussion on why she wished for me to have so many workers lined up and also something about me doing myself a disservice if I did not give one particular support worker a go (Names Josh) over another. This was when that statement was someone thrown in there as a comparison:


I quote “ … You never know David, he might turn out to be a fuckwit!”

To be honest, I felt like My so called Choice and Control was being taken away from me when spoken to on both fronts after pondering I was just told I would be doing myself a disservice if I did not try one guy over the other and then to top it off … using the phrase “.. he might turn out to be a fuckwit!”

I wonder if anyone in IPS can sympathise but moreover be concerned about what kind of team leaders you have in place?

I'm sorry I could not of finished this off with more hope or resolution. I feel more sorry for my coordinator and the support workers whom I have not met. This really is as disrespectful to those individuals as it is me.

I like my support coordinator a lot and fear what she might think of me having made yet another complaint. I make these complaints so I can move on. Nothing more. I don't like the way this mental health industry has become. I do however see there is hope in various supports which is also another reason I try to give my perspective as a client more for the positive aspect of improving things. However I just feel like this complaint will be taken up as nothing but another long winded rant from an affected individual who does not know what he is talking about.

I want things to work and I appreciate the chance to receive support so that I myself can refrain from using such language when I am out and about. I want to respect others the way I am wishing to be treated myself. Nothing more, nothing less. It's just that I am someone that needs support. Unfortunately, after speaking with your Fraser coast team leader Jody, I have to question the quality of that support. That said, I know that Jody does not represent everyone in your agency … although she does hold a position that is questionably just that.

The irony is that the guy that comes to mow my lawn from your service is one of the most polite, tactful and friendly guys I have met.

Kind Regards ...

[Ponder]

You know my friend who came up and supported me earlier ... and got me into the scooter. He owns his own disability company. In fact his business was the first to receive NDIS funding in QLD. Many years ago I worked under him as a support worker. This was his response:

I think that you have got your point across I would be very disappointed in this coordinator. I hope that they see that her language could be causing irreversible damage to the organisation. Not to mention if she is talking about staff like that does she treat them with the same distain. Because you have been on the receiving end of coordinators that talk down to their staff when working with life without barriers. Which I feel furthers the urgency for you to act on this.

___________________________________________

So it is what it is ... I understand if readers here are not picking up on the context ... all good. I log it in as a win because I still ended up sticking with the plan. My Plan. That's what it all comes down to in the end. No point being a part of these programs if you can't work with them. On that note, I think I did well with the new guy all things considered. If I had not bothered taking the time to express like I did .... / as I do ... him being late on his first meet and getting out of his smoke filled car ... well, lets just say I would of taken up the team leaders mindset and started calling him a " .... fuckwit!" ... but we can't be having that.

Instead I was in a good mind set and had the talk that needed to be. In the end we both had a good work out session. There was nothing wrong with the first cab off the rank. The team leader should not of been comparing and using the language she did. I am so glad I took back control of the situation which is on irony when you consider the latest ethical moral chant with current mental health polices being echoes is about client choice and control.

Until next episode. :)
___________

OH ... before I forget ... this morning photo: The Green Party! ... with a touch or red. The last thing I want to do is ... discriminate.

https://i.ibb.co/HTTm3K6/Green-with-a-touch-of-red.jpg

[Ponder]

Biophilia - The Human Connection To Nature.

Best bits starts → here (https://youtu.be/g0PM15aWdM0?t=108)- Alternatively just click on the video:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0PM15aWdM0

The video is more about the benefits of Nature in Urban environments - The book I linked is more about developing an understanding and a knowing of how to better connect with nature in general. Given I am finding less and less of nature in some of the towns I have moved to ... learning to foster the knowledge that the below book imparts definitely helps to tune in ones body with the smallest available of pockets of nature or even a lone tree. Well worth the read or listen if you have a TTS app. Good stuff to fill in the hours if you like walking and want something positive to read or listen to.

Came across this some time ago whist looking into forest bathing. Here is a book on the subject - NOTE* It's format is text format for TTS apps → here (https://drive.google.com/open?id=1FeCO3ZURYWEEftn4hR0tEPXZdSSB50do).
_________________________________________________

[Ponder]

Something out of the book I linked above really stood out whilst on my morning walk:

The Biophilia Effect By: Clemens G. Arvay:
I have already illustrated in previous chapters how complex our archaic interweaving with nature, plants, animals, and landscapes is. To heal means “to make whole.” If this is to be done in the future, we must not neglect our natural habitats and our relationships with them. We need to steer away from a medical system that diagnoses and treats symptoms and physical or psychological processes in isolation. Individual pharmaceuticals are certainly capable of alleviating individual symptoms. But our organism is too complex to continue using this approach to healing. To understand humans as part of nature, as part of the network of life, opens up entirely new perspectives and treatment possibilities in medicine and psychotherapy. I like to refer to the sensational effects of the terpenes from plant communication as an example. They beef up our immune system in the forest like no compound from the pharmacy could. The immune system is the basis of our health and one of the most complex systems of the human body. I’m not exaggerating when I say that nature’s impact on our immune system — the entire human body, for that matter — is indispensable for its function. The human body depends on its connection with nature and has been working with nature reciprocally since the beginning of our species. Not only are we a part of nature, but nature is also a part of us. The boundaries are blurred, and being human doesn’t stop at the surface of the skin, as we’ve clearly seen with the example of the immune system. A relatively young scientific discipline has emerged called psychoneuroimmunology. It examines the influences of our psyche on the immune system as well as the influences of the immune system on the psyche. The nervous system is the mediator between the physical and the psychological, hence the term “psychoneuroimmunology.”

No doubt a mouth full for those not interested in the topic. If you do get the gist of that, then perhaps you might understand why there are many people in society still struggling with our current systems that are designed to isolate and separate. I can see it clear as day within the pharmaceutical side of things. Once you fathom how it is that the alleviation of symptoms via synthetic intervention disconnects us from the whole - it's not so hard to see how this can be as debilitating when becoming entrenched with psychotherapies that are just as narrow minded. Such tunnel vision is more suited for the ease of admin and perpetual consumption than it is for the healing of individuals. That's a sad fact that many of us refuse to accept as the alternative really does take a lot of work on our part. It need not be that way. Much of the effort to break away from such a toxic system is in deprogramming. More so finding the will or drumming up the desire to overcome what seems to be an insurmountable hurdle. Sometimes we just need reminding that everything we need to reprogram our minds is within reach and for the most part costs nothing!

The madness I deal with is myself getting caught up in the drama myself ... then I try so hard to break away only to see others serenely welcoming new members but then themselves creating and feeding that above isolating/grouping mentality within such a state of negative energy. I repeat I get caught up in it myself. BUT ... I am once again making ground by identifying such for what it is and spending more time in dialogue with the above likewise books. It's a fine line though as I also have to ensure that I pull my self out of my own head/these threads and encompass my higher self in the content or subject that I am once again starting to image. Speaking of which I took a snap shot to assist my imagination for those times I am surrounded by nothing other than the smell of bio fuels, loud abrasive noise and concrete.



This morning on my way back from my walk:
[Not Just a Snap Shot]
https://i.ibb.co/0srs8m7/Not-Just-a-Snap-Shot.jpg
It is just a snap shot with my phone, but then it's not. Like quality wise you'll get people in photography forums dissing the standard of image and what not which again pays into our narrow minded thinking. I just took this knowing I wanted to talk about it as part of my post today - In this moment I had completely disengaged with the text book that was still flowing through my bluetooth ear buds and resonating in my head, but to be honest, I could not hear it. I was identifying with much of the message from that book from a total state of fascination when ever I find myself surrounded like so. It will soon be part of my practice to take the ear buds out when seeking out these fast dwindling reserves and again start using my ultralight chair for just plain sitting with the trees. Everything that is said in the book re the immune system is spot on or is as I can feel it when I am in places like this. To be sure this is just a small section of path that divides a field of houses, more asphalt and concrete paths. I genrally like to go off path into the string bits looking for open sections under a canopy.

Time to move on to my next part of the day. ;)

[Ponder]

My approach to pretty much everything these days:

https://i.ibb.co/p1GHvsB/Star-Gate-Blog-Entry.png

Although I would much prefer to arrive with something other than a P90 and full battle kit.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ________________________
___________________________
_________
__
_

Another good session this morning. The guy working out with me threw his arms up doing a power pose exclaiming how energized he felt and what a good bout it had been. We seem to be bringing the best out in each other. Since we seem to be getting along so well (despite being early days) I talked about the possibility of utilizing my newly paid friend for community access development. Think in terms of graduated exposure on a social level where you put yourself into public settings for the sole purpose of socialization. I've still not nailed my thoughts on my approach to such as it's still quite a challenge for me on many levels. I won't focus on the many triggers as in write about them in this post or touch on the fact that in most situations I really don't even see a need to force myself into said situations purely as a means to overcome whatever debilitating traits. That's the isolating kind of psychotherapy quoted/scoured earlier in my previous post re the book 'The Biophilia Effect By: Clemens G. Arvay'

It's simpler to say, I like the guy and would not mind going on a couple of nature trips with a like minded individual and that act being the social part of the so called community access development program. I'll just find a couple of quiet spots in town that I already know. More the places that specialize in serving loose leafed herbal teas as opposed to jumping coffee beans with loud blenders and screeching coffee machines. Fly a Kite ... still yet to do that. The closest I will come to any community access program other than GPs/therpists and that type of thing is People Watching when not staring at the ocean. Perhaps throw myself in the middle no more than a test of will liken to eating a small bag of unhealthy chips to remind my self that it's all about choice and control. The truth is I will never really have a desire to mix with humans on such a level as I don't beleive our society have anything that resembles the essence of community. None the less, I will play along. Perhaps in time I may find pockets of improvements that give hope. I might even dream that hope may even spawn into a new reality as envisaged with the image that opened this post. To be sure ... for now that's a good representation of me making my approach.

Have a good day/evening.

[Ponder]

Having a little trouble sleeping tonight. Outside pressures re family court and all it's associated checks and balances combined with problematic visitations, prep school with follow up appointments and so forth are all adding up. When my wife hinted as much, I was like "not long now! Once that final hearing is over we can drop back the amount appointments all round ..." Unfortunately we have at least another 6 months with said pressures and uncertainty.

I also made the decision NOT to go ahead with the ASD/ADHD psychologist. This plays mostly into the arena of making sure that I am comfortable with whomever I choose to take on as a therapist. I'm used to taking my time, sometimes trying up to 3 different individuals before finding one that I like. That said, it's one of the few times I made a decision only after seeing someone once. Normally I would give it two or three tries.

I'm starting to change my mind about gong to a place where other family members go. At first I thought it would be a good practice with one psychologist seeing the same family members. I suggested as much a couple of years ago to my wife in an attempt to provide her with a means to benefit in the same way I was with my psychologist. Although I am no longer seeing the same therapist, I am glad my wife now has someone to see. Currently my grandson goes to the ASD specialists where I was set up to go myself, but there was something in previous posts about the isolated approach to the medical model that I sensed was happening with the specialist I had just seen. It does validate my wife's and I reasoning that when the pressures of family court are over, that we will certainly be dropping back the amount of visits for my grandson as well. All these supports are great, but there really is something to be said for over compensating and identifying to much with one's labels. Not only does victim mentality take hold in the most subtlest of ways, (reliance factors/habitual consumer attending more for letters like making bank withdrawals than any kind of real reflection or reassessing) but it can start to feel more like a game/stage. Finding the balance I guess is key to the number of visits or not so much the gauging of oneself, but the gauging of the actually therapy and where it's leading.

I guess I am a bit fragmented to be sure and my wife is once again on the mark. Six months is still a long time and who knows, they could again adjourn like they did the last time. Sigh. I also said something about upping my supports with a community access development program. What am I thinking!? Hmmmm But then its all in the approach I guess. Half these worries need not be as dramatic if not for the way we approach them ... Sigh ... Yet, it does all add up. The thing I struggle with these various supports is how they are money driven and that dictating the drive, the pressure to continue going to said supports, because dropping the occasional appointment affects the paid employee/business owner income. This is not really talked about much ... but it is another pressure with regards to the 'need' in having to always turn up. This for me is where freedom takes on a whole new twist. Some places will just say "it's OK, you don't have to show up, we will just bill your funding." Like there are clauses where you can cancel so many days ahead of time, but that's just more pressure. hmmmm -

Just thinking out loud which really helps. I think I am ready to try sleeping again. Not sure about my supports though ... I wrote out my available times for the guy I am doing laps with in the morning, BUT ... think I will tell him I need more time to decide. I can appreciate his income and diary that takes a hit if I second guess and I'll tell him as much. I do have the time as my grandson is now in school, but I do have my charity computer thing to do as well as moving a house yet again for the domestic violence victims, although the latter not as frequent as the computers. I'm working on computer 14 now. That's 13 computers fully refurbished and given away with another on the way. I think I really should give this whole CAD thing a miss. Yea ... I think I will just swap time sheets with him and tell him I need more time. At the very least I might just commit to a small window with him - connecting with people is good, but the whole monetized side of things complicates it where it really does not feel free or present any kind of really freedom for me. They are always in the drivers seat ... quite literally. I actually tried to persuade the guy to riding a bike but he would not be in it. Getting them out of their car and on a bike puts them on the same level for me. YEA! fuck it ...

I think I am gong to tell this guy I have had second thoughts but still give him my time sheet. If I do this CAD thing, I will make sure it is more in line with what me gut is telling me. I really do think there is something to getting these workers out of their car and onto a bike in order that I feel I have equal control. I've been at this for some time now. I almost forgot how that car factor can play into it for me. I am sure for others it's great ... but not for me. Hell, I might even get myself another complementary scooter for the right worker. In the mean time, I need to find one that willing to ride. A second cheap bike from a tip shop I can afford. Done deal ... problem solved. Any support person that I can get out of the car and on a bike/scooter will be OK for me. Sadly most just want to sit down at a coffee shop which does not work for me. Hmmmmm ...

I'll just explain to this well meaning one that it's taken me a long time to set up my non reliance on cars and public transport. That I really do need someone that can at least ride a bike.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ... still feeling a little wired but will zone out with some mobile flick. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz Might first 'gently' jump on my mini tramp then have a shower. Shhhh don't tell anyone what time I was up angsting over this. I might get pegged for bipolar. Laughs Out Loud. WTFE ...

My wife is right ... too much going on. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

... always makes for a good heading.

This image I post now, I threw together using google images and Photoshop with a few words that come to mind which pretty much reflect my current state. I really was struggling the other night and whilst I did falter with varioius choices thereafter, I'd like to feel that for today at least, that I am set to hold course and make up ground. I won't used the word lost, because I feel I never really know where I am going and that's OK - It's more about holding course in one direction.


https://i.ibb.co/DCRW2M4/Staying-The-Course.jpg

I'll just say that the fading feature I used simulates what I once held true, but as time has passed I have come to see less what may be defined as virtue. I'm not saying they don't matter to me, but mean more how it is that such personal integrity is hard to hold onto. I've slightly angled the post because it's original stance as I feel is less true . Standing too straight comes off too cocky for me, like having one's heads in the clouds when all those around me are drowning. I'll course correct that last statement by saying it does feel empowering standing up high on my new scooter, but if I am not careful, I can easy wind up as road kill. Yea ... that about sums that up.

I got to do stack my trailer shortly so pushed for time. There is also something about the way those fading virtues are both woven into and at the same time held back by all those traveled paths. I'm hoping my eccentricity can find a balance between true virtue vs false self. In that I peg this image up against others that play very well into the false self. Although I do my best to leave those negative images far outside this realm.

It's hard enough finding direction, let alone hold the course, but to acknowledge ... always makes for a good heading. So it is in this wish I to say that if any of us are feeling misguided and uncertain yet chime with what's been said, then I wish us all well.

I do what I must for today ... best go stack that trailer.

[Ponder]

The latest forum maintenance inspired me to pick up my HTML & CSS online course again. One of the best free courses I have come across. Check it out → Udemy Web Development By Doing: HTML / CSS From Scratch (https://www.udemy.com/course/web-development-learn-by-doing-html5-css3-from-scratch-introductory/) & here is a really great free web hosting site you can upload your HTML/CSS. AttractSoft (https://iwebzhost.net/free-web-hosting.html) - The hosting prefix used in the web addresses you create (that are not paid for) are simply and short. This makes that resultant web address that one may chose easy to remember.
__________________________________________________ _________________

At any rate, that is the course and hosting site where I am learning and testing my new found skills. I've previously tried my hand at a front end forum creation site that uses phpBB; similar to what this forum looks like. At that time I did not have anywhere near the coding knowledge I have now have. I also feel the way I love to sponge up and exude information is just not inline with the main stream way of doing things. Most of the websites & blogs that I find refreshing and enlightening are frequented by few. So too, I expect my creations to have a solace feel. I'm in no rush though. This place currently serves as a good drafting board whilst I aim to perfect my HTML Marking Up. Once I nail the marking up and can look as several pages of html text and its interwoven content whilst picking out varioius elements at a glance, then it will be time to spend more time posting on my own front end.
___________

So what can I write about?

STAYING MOTIVATED!
Right of the bat, I could acknowledge the difficulty in staying motivated. However, such an approach can be liken to a ploy that our negative subconscious (https://tinybuddha.com/blog/4-simple-techniques-to-erase-subconscious-negativity/) loves to become rutted in. When it comes to healing, I am big on acknowledging! It certainly plays a huge part in what's known as ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (https://www.skylandtrail.org/using-acceptance-and-commitment-therapy-to-improve-mental-health/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAm4TyBRDgARIsAOU75spR9NwtWB4OxjfI_Qf CVXnfz6Y4mAOWZM7q8L8AGpvp814VxN702jwaAt3oEALw_wcB) - The irony of ironies comes back to the way in which the clinical approach can become trapped in their isolating techniques where clients the adoption one modality is squarely aimed at one condition verses another. Examples would be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy solely geared towards depression and anxiety, whilst Dialectical Behavior Therapy is geared towards borderline personality disorder or emotional dysregulation. ACT is claimed to cover a wider spectrum, although the concept like all others in the medical model relies heavily on their own evidence based text which is flawed by the nature of both by the isolated focus on this or that label and of course, perpetual self made servicing aka personal work force agendas. The former I find is a big issue with over identification to on the clients part with their diagnoses. How to escape such a clinical trap?

I like the concept of how ACT aims to cover a wider gap, but like all things that work for me ... I strive to declincalize the process. Accepting to me, is all about moving on which brings the aim of this post back into focus. I got a little lost in my own thoughts there, but that is part of the acknowledging process ... but also a trap for me my take with the above often depresses and it's in that low vibe that my energy wanes. Frustration when used as fuel to move on can at times be seemingly beneficial, but it's not sustainable. It's worked well for me on various addictions I have given up.

Unfortunately I got to go before I could even nail my approach on staying motivated. Mostly because I want to get on my scooter in order to stay motivated. :) I'm at a point where getting out is not such a chore. Doing things that feel like I am in more control is really worth mentioning ... freedom and all that. The exercise is paying off, but mostly because I have been staying true to myself re my eating goals ... I am having a few wins with multiple goals that are all aligned towards the same end ... but with no end in sight. The latter being key re mindfulness and all that ... being in the moment when not fussed about much else.

Back to playing tunes is also helping ... even though they are old. To me they are firing all the right neurons that make more alive. This too like frustration is limited ... balance is key.

But for now ... I feel energized enough to go hooning with my tunes with a destination with someone that wants to meet me. The last bit is not required, but it's always a +

Time to keep moving ... yet another facet to staying motivated. Although sometimes I should turn the music down and look what's in front or me.http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/fighting/running-over.gif

[Ponder]

Guess Whose Birthday:)


https://i.ibb.co/b2XVL65/Area51-Facts-entering.png

Given I already got my scooter, I wonder what little thing I will give myself today? I was thinking of a .com web address but don't think I will even spend that much. Absolutely SMASHED this mornings workout. Came home fully drenched in sweat and still buzzing now. I do have a long way to go, but If I can keep those kind of sessions going, it wont take long before I am coming up with NEW goals. More irony for someone that does not like goal setting. It's just happening because I know its time to drop all the pitiful poor me syndrome echoed in all that bitching and whining about things that either have nothing to do with me or I aim to disconnect from. Yadda Yadda passes a tissues and leaves all that BS for those that thrive so well on it. You are what you preach. Time to change the sermon and do away with the audience. lmfao @ the latter. Not offense intended to anyone reading, although those that chime will no doubt know what I mean. If you don't and your still reading, then I guess you must be a glutton for punishment. Is precisely why I have stopped reading those that just love to bash others. Yet in my own resistance I can see the trap of doing the same thing ... so in that light ... I will move on.


How about a UNI CYCLE!!!! Fuck Yea! Yet another Goal.
https://i.ibb.co/3yznJdK/electric-unicycle.jpg


It's a crazy notion not only because of the learning curve which I am positive I will nail ... but because I am still bankrupted after acquiring the scooter. That said, I will find a way! I'm loving this whole idea of using electric powered personal mobility devices. I used to think such things where only for the old and frail ... How Wrong Was I!!! For now I am still LOVING my scooter to bits. Already I am hanging out for my next adventure. I got a few things to do first though though. I got to put up another add on my GOODWILL COMPUTERS FaceBook Page (https://www.facebook.com/goodwillcomputersherveybay/). Then I will go drop off one of the computers we not long finished. Then I will go for my scooter ride.

Have a good one peoples. ;)

[Ponder]

Smiles a warm smile. Thank You.

[Ponder]

I think I might of finally done it:

davesheadspace.com (http://davesheadspace.com/)

It's rough as guts ... but a good start.

I also bought happyscootering.com but I am not hosting that one yet.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz

[Ponder]

What I really want to do long term is not going to be an easy task. My thoughts are way more fragmented than ever before. I'm off to the pond to meditate. Late night ... too late. I'll see if the focused attention to stop thinking energizes me.

[Ponder]

OK it's official ...

davesheadspace.com

in the blog section.

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

I'm cured ... :) rofl

I even got the scooter domain happening as well. hehe. Just not fully published.

Take Care.

[domainer]

Nice! These are awsome

[Ponder]

:) nice of you to say. I struggle so much to keep things going domainer. Always find myself comming back here. But thats OK.

I had a really bad accident on my scooter. Smashed my shoulder good and proper. First night in a week that I think I might get 4 hours restful sleep.

It was nice to see someone pop in here. I have been super lonely of late.

Zzzzzzzz Thank You.

Goodnight ... be well as can be.
Peace.

[Ponder]

Extreme pain. Imune system shot. Can't breathe effeciently due to sinus and dry mouth syndrome. Major pain in the throat with striped throat. Can't sleep, completely exausted. Busted shoulder making things worse/vise versa.
Life goes on none the less. Crawled out of shower wincing with every breath. Forced a few sips of water, later gargeled salt water and painfully force more water in. Just finished fresh home made ginger, honey and lemon tea. Swalling is still hard but more managable, but breathing still also difficult and shoulder caning me.

Will try to sleep some more.

[Ponder]

Wow ... The nights just dont get any better. Lol.

[Ponder]

Prepping for another night of pain. Whilst the busted shoulder is going to take at least six weeks to come good again, this damn throat and flu like symptoms really suck. BUT - I got a few things done today despite staying house bound. Come to think of it, I miss just staying at home. Pushing myself to integrate with the scooter was all fun and games and whilst I did allow myself to go literally go full speed into down a hill and roll myself into a hospital fence - LOL - Gee Wizz ... what a fucking trip that was. Pain and suffering I think will be all the days of my life ... yadda yadda.

YAWNS - Bring on the fucking Night!!! Seriously though, I best check my tea pot of loose Turmeric - BRB! Scratch that - couple more minutes wont hurt. HERE - I upload my latest project:

https://i.ibb.co/JRDP9P7/88090824-1064049237290843-8647214041091014656-o.jpg

I'm going cheap with no fancy triple monitor stand. Those monitors also don't have stand hook, but are all the same and will do nicely for a triple monitor test. If it grows on my, I will purchase more appropriate monitors and a stand sometime next year. Still waiting on a few data cables to hook everything up in the next day or two. Hopefully tomorrow. I just reinstalled my computer and getting ready to network my laptop to throw in another screen for a flight simulator experience separate to a few other sims, RPGs and the odd FPS all suited for triple screen gaming.

Anything for a good distraction about now. I do hope to get back on my scooter in the coming weeks but is all good ... I kind of needed that crash. To be sure, it's another arthritic episode on top of what I already have - but hey, 5G will soon fry my brain and all those dicks buying up the toilet paper have given me more up front issues to worry about as I tend to use more than most. God damn panic merchants. Pffft. My brain was fried years ago so not so worried about what I can't change. The lady massaging me today reckons there is positive change on the horizon and whilst I don't want to bust her bubble with my alignment to the prison planet theory (to which see seems to agree) I don't think enough people are wising up and if they do, it's just another lonely spiral as the stage set for automated stupidity is just pretty much an inescapable event horizon the we are meant to go down.

Woe - I think that tea is ready. One sec ... is good ... momentary relief.

Think I best pull up before I suck a few others down with me. I remember all to well trying not to be such a Debbie Downer.

Once I get those three monitors up and configured, I will have a new reality to lose myself in. Not long now the weather should start to get cooler and the mornings and evenings all the more darker. Good time for solace and healing. Making connections with self once again good enough to keep me going.

The family Saga and Court drama continues but hopefully coming to a close sooner than later. In fact about another 6 months now starting to draw the vice in. Loads more uncertainty and all that woeful jazz.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Another solid week of shoulder pain and a few more sleepless nights to drag on the flu symptoms ... but I think I might just be able to start a routine regardless of ongoing pain in about a weeks time and from there I will do what I always do best ... start over all again. :)

Looks up into the sky and cried - "Go your fucking hardest!" hehe ... arrrrr and sigh ... Hands together in some kind of wishful intentional mindset taking in yet another warm turmeric sip.

Yet another night ... ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz -00- ZZZZZzzzzz -00- ZZZZZZZzzzzz -00- /--00-- __________________________________________________ _______________________ .

[Ponder]

Whatever your take ... it may not work for everyone but seems to ease my pain just a little bit - I try shutting my eyes one more time. Until later:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nx6py6a7XM0

[Ponder]

Positive things for today? Pain killer medication seems to be working a little better as I am being more regular with them as opposed to just every now and then. I did get stressed and pulled my shoulder once more, just by throwing my arm in the air out of frustration whilst on a phone call relating to complaint. The complaint was a positive result as well - minus hurting myself. Hence back on the pain meds which I should never of stopped. It really does seem to be a serious injury where I will most likely have to get another script. I also organised a new support person today to help me with doctor visits. It's been a balancing act for me of late as I am struggling as much mentally as well as physically.

BUT all that said --- I am keeping my spirits up all the same.

I also finally configured my triple monitor setup as well as the larger forth monitor. I'm going to have to take notes on how I did that ... took me all day to get it just right. Despite already owning an ultra-wide 21:9 display, I absolutely love the extra immersion you get with an aspect ratio of 48:9 ... Taking notes is not enough to capture the experience. I'll do a couple of videos on that when I get time.

ANOTHER POSITIVE - My wife and I have refurbished 19 computers now with 20 almost done:
https://www.facebook.com/goodwillcomputersherveybay/

My grandson is doing well at school and has recovered well now from his operation.

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I get some rest for my shoulder now.

Despite the turmoil that never ends - we really are doing OK.

KEEP CALM - KNOCK QUIETLY :)

We put the sign back up as society is still banging on our door.

Night night
http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleeping-on-a-desk-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

Forum action seems quite low hey. Must be the cornflakes virus or whatever they call it. Social media is on a frenzy. I thought the following was a good read:
Think Before You Meme About Corona (https://www.papermag.com/coronavirus-memes-2645449235.html)

What else is happening?

Made a video ... but was not happy with it. I try again later.

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz need to rest my shoulder. night night.

(https://www.papermag.com/coronavirus-memes-2645449235.html)

[Ponder]

Much easier to just do video tonight:

I smile to think about the cornflake virus.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKW08f0byHc&feature=youtu.be

ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz night night.

[Ponder]

Coming of the pain killers is no different than an addict coming off drugs. Feeling hot and cold, nauseous, and really tired. Looking forward to that passing over the next few days. Shoulder still hurts like hell, but that is now preferable to the sick feeling of pain killers long term. Not much else ... still eating like shit but am mindful of it at least. The hysteria is out local area still continues with media and government having a field day re perception management and all their other like wise mind games.

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

It will be 2am shortly. I started a new Channel with a new goal. Never before have I struggles so hard to get back on the horse. Although I get very few views, I am going to turn comments off as well as viewed ratings. I don't mind inspiring myself like so, but I have had the odd troll follow me and give negative feedback with a video regarding my grandson. I have since mended that issue. I won't allow myself to be trolled like that again, yet I will go forward with my little new self made channel to assist me in doing what I must in order to heal myself. I am surely a nut job, but I don't mind being like so whilst being myself! We have far too many pretenders as is.

It's going to be old school no gloss vloging. Best I can do this time around it to keep them short and on point. Very hard for someone like myself. I am pleased to say that this one comes in just under 4 minutes. Job well done. Hey just getting in front of the camera is a job well done. You can do this Davy Boy!!!

Video - Day One: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y60wwhCqRlw&feature=youtu.be)

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Night night. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleeping-smiley-face.gif

[Ponder]

WOE!!! Taking a step outside my back door and having a hard time with the LIGHT! I can't beleive how long I have kept myself inside. I do want to get back into walking, BUT - still not feeling as well as I thought I was. I'm still in a phase where I tire easily. I got a long way to go. I can see how when I cut myself off and start eating crap just how fast I regress. Anyways - it hard for me to focus. I did a another good job keeping this video on point and still within the 5 minute mark.

Video - Day Two - (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GaeS60RbmM)Stepping Out Into The Light - WOE! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GaeS60RbmM)

[Ponder]

No video today ... bored with it already - OR - just not feeling it more likely. Too depressed today I thinks. Got sucked into FB with all the drama going on of late and fully regretted it as soon as I did. Shoulder pain not too bad ... although still has me bitching somewhat. I am more concerned for my wife as she is not doing so well. Too much drama from too many directions. Family court coming closer mostly. Don't know what we will do if we lose our grandson. He has been with us pretty much all his life. My wife told me how she was loosing faith in society today. I was unsure how to react as I lost that a long long time ago. None the less I feel very much for her. Anyways ...

ZZZzzzzz I'll keep on keeping on. Changed my computer setup today. Did some house chores as well ... need to do more.

That's about it. Night night.

[Ponder]

I will try to make a video later talking about the challenge of going out in the middle of a pandemic whilst already suffering with mental illness. Shopping being the biggest issue and the fact that many of us have what's often referred to as in invisible illness does not help. I'll try to write about it as well as I understand watching a video of someone can be just as off putting. I think it's good to talk about it, but also in a way that does not add to the problem. Just making a note of it, because for me it's very much an issue, despite having a partner that although incapacitated on another front, is more able to shop compared to me. None the less, even for those of us that normally don't like to go out, things being the way they are with the perpetual mass anxiety attack taking place ... well ... that alone is worth talking about.

Back later. I need to do some gaming. ;)

[Ponder]

I'll type just a little - I wanted to focus on the anxiety thing, but since this is my thing and I'm doing it to handle my shit - I thought it only fair to speak about what makes me tick. There will be nothing of value or help for anyone tied into all the hysteria of late. I really do think it's all total BS and now starting to view it all from a more entertaining position. One I have been watching long enough. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz For me ... either the world will wake up, or it will just continue to crash. What will be will be. I think is more about doing what you can to suffer less but for so many caught up in the game, I fear they will continue on like sheep. I have plenty, but when it comes to being values as a human being ... my efforts mean little because I am not contribution to the economic machine. So it is that whilst I don't want to see people suffer, that I think this latest bout of panic might be a good thing. Many people will see more closely just what a BS society we live in. That at the end of the day will be a +. Right now I am as much as THEM and fail when I say US ... fuck the Us and Them ... I hate that kind of talk and when it comes out like that, I really don't like myself. That said, I know what I mean. In that light ... it's really OK either way.

Believe as you must ... but ask yourself, is it helpful for you to beleive in that? If enough people beleive it ... then sure ... it will no doubt happen. Right now I see the world manifesting it's own disease. The one it probably needs to have in order for the game to continue. It' quite possible that the negative aspects will just continue ... more than likely if what I am feeling is how we are all being led. Not a rosy notion ... but it feels true enough for me and talking about it feels better than not. I care little who agrees. In fact, like I have alluded to, I hope the world creates more toxicity at the current level. A part of me has been hoping for a long time for something like this to happen; regardless of the pain I feel we must all endure. The sooner pain is accepted, the sooner it can be subsided. But for those that feed off negativity, it's best to keep people living in fear. Round and round she goes.

Video Therapy - The Laughing Tin Foil Hat. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTTV2A8I4vo&t=36s) :) Yea yea ... bla bla ... Works for me!

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Age Of Truth on YouTube ... Gets interesting from → here. (https://youtu.be/6LTqz9EZHcA?t=929)

Way better than too much time on Facebook. Each to their own.

[Ponder]

The truth is, there is none. There is only self and I for one have had enough of this pittyful existence. Nothing I have can ever fill that gap. Trouble is, that once you wake up, it's very hard to go back to sleep. Instead you have to make the most of living in this trap. I dont have the energy to walk, but I should make good use of the scooter I have.

A few hours away from self radiation and stale air is indeed the antidote for whatever.

Not sure I'm going to be able to go the distance of this existence. I'm trying ... I certainly dont like feeling this way, but know I'm loosing my grace.

See how I feel after some time out of the house. Irony that everyone else is playing along and or being forced to stay hidden away. A world of disconected cells.

[Ponder]

China Virus you say? I say go fuck yourselves you religious and patriot bigots. Other than that ... had a great time at one of the local Cafes with a friend. My video therapy is helping.

The Time to Social Is Now: Fuck your Virus as well!!! :) :) :)

https://i.ibb.co/c1ZyBrd/Social.jpg


The China Virus - Trip to the Cafe and then making this 5 minute Vid! By the time this uploads, I'll be playing World of Tanks. Have a good day!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_rd9JYgTmc&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

Righto - enough of that. :) Something different ... relating to finding things of interest. I've been following the construction of the Rockets that I feel will make it to Mars. I was born in 69 just before the Saturn 5 either landed on the moon or pulled of a mass hoax. I really don't know because I don't beleive everything I here unless I was there and or able to discern the information for myself. But the footage I have been watching of late seems indisputable with all the correct lighting and so on and so forth. (hahaha and hehehe - more tin foil hat territory) But seriously ... I love watching the construction taking place. I also love the way Elon communicates and the way he talks about AI as in for all the fear mongering he either inadvertently or expertly goes on with, I sense he is the world leader in such an industry. Personally I feel AI should be at the forefront of our latest epidemic ensure resources are spread equally. Other than bowing down to the military and hopefully that being more an exploitative venture for Elon and his Mars plan ... I think Elon ... think similarly. At least that is how I would like to think.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Syj-KnvB17Q


The next link is some guys 'Mars Concept' for a PC game I absolutely love! It's VERY entertaining to watch ... relaxing too. My brain gets rocks trying to layout all the infrastructure before I get stuck into the detailing of livable cities the way I would like to see them.
The Link to that video is here → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDX8YQ_aGnY :) That's just part 1 and I am yet to watch it in it's entirely but know I will most likely watch the other part/s as well. Most of this is for my own benefit as I often pop back in here to see what's on my to do list. Often this place I make as a framework to finding and fostering my interests ... which is key for my stability. Anyways, I hope some of you may consider it a worthy watch ... at least to kill a bit of time or take your mind off the latest chaos ... whatever the be.

Have a good one guys.

[Ponder]

Just like the damage our wifi system already does and no doubt I think the science is in on the negitive effects of 5G ... I just accept it. It's damaging ... but the virus ... I think of it no more than the current flu viruses that already kill vunrable people. In fact ... the move to make the population more vulnerable through our way of living and it's development with such vulnerability in mind ... I find that move more damaging than the so called Corona Virus. As for the economy ... I care less with some of the comments in the following interview ... but that said, there is some very interesting comments in it:

My take on the economy:
In my view I think collapsing the economy is a good thing. Our economy devalues human life as is. The human race needs to suffer in places it's been too COMFORTABLE as that comfort has been a huge cost in death and destruction as is. Those living in comfort, with their houses, business and all their things have been to pacified to see. I think this destabilization is something that needs to happen. Sorry ... but it's going to hurt. Accept it. I also have no issue with cashless society and AI ... some of these videos themselves are as much fear mongering as the Government. I just glean from them ... nothing more. We are all victims of our thoughts. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HgTzoTOAKQ

[Ponder]

Still breathing. :) The world is still escalating in panic mode I see. I still feel the panic is worse than the virus but wish well all those that give their lives over to it. Let's not forget those who had their and will have it taken by it. My step father has sinus issues. He was sitting in a mall - aged 78 have a hard time with his sinuses. A white Australian women came our of nowhere wearing a mask and says to him "Thanks for giving us the Virus." My step father originates from Singaporean and has been an Australian citizen for most of his life. He in fact spent most of his life helping people of all color and creed within this poor excuse of a society as a general practitioner ... a Doctor. Racism to the core. I only just did a video about my south Korean daughter in-law and now this with my step father.

This is exactly why I have cut ties with those who used to be close to me in here. once I smell racism via political and cultural difference where people are picked on due to origins, culture or any difference within the subsets and so on ... GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ... How not to get sucked in. Takes a very deep breath. Seriously, I wanted to make an upbeat vid and shake it off like I did with my daughter in-law but again, the racism just continues.

Our power went out last night because someone tried to commit suicide by driving their car into a substation. I totally get where he is coming from and a little sad he was unsuccessful. Nevertheless, the power went back on and people continue to be cruel as can be.

I'm not going to yell at everyone and project curses like I want ... I'm just doing me best to support those in my family being treated like so as well as do what I can to distract myself when I feel the need.

I did have a good catch up with me mum. She tells my Dad will get over it as he has more pressing issues to overcome. They live in a very small town where people are not panic buying. The only problem is when people come from the cites to by from the rural folk then living those without. Thankfully my parents live in the hills.

I leave this as is ... it's been acknowledged and now gone. Time to move on.

[Ponder]

An add I just made up on my Computer Charity Page ... and a game I need to play myself this very minute. :)

A very meditative non violent video game that instills pure relaxation → FUGL. It can be found at the steam store for $14au. For those whom have received a Goodwill Computer with a dedicated Video Card of 2GB with 8GB of Ram, you will be able to run this game fluently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCbxGXzCOys
It's not about the pixels; it's about the sounds and transformations. If your feeling a little stressed, this is the game that will keep you grounded. Definitely worth a share!
https://store.steampowered.com/app/643810/Fugl (https://store.steampowered.com/app/643810/Fugl?fbclid=IwAR3-RvV3zFbEj8LhfmMLgPU0zbJT22SDY-N9rTUYtAgVKqtR5J6FG2gpvZU)

[Ponder]

I think what is coming is a good thing. There are way too many people that have had it too easy. Including myself. The herds of people within our world commonly referred to as community, will now be forced to face the results of their toxic way of living.

For so long many have agreed with me that the world has hat this coming. Now that it's here, it's understandable that they are now backpedaling.

Whilst the Virus itself is seemingly mutating (now young ones are also dying) I still think it's not the virus that is the thing doing the killing. More over the way in which people are reacting is more the killer.

This I write from not contention, but have chosen my words carefully as to sit back considering my own potential to spread instability.

Right now though, whilst my family is being attacked for looking Chinese and the fact that people are attacking Chinese, is not something I will allow to be over shadowed. Thus I will counter other facets of fear by highlighting just how fool hearty it is to, cling to such things as the economy which has been the driving force of enslavement and devaluing humans for ages. I hope more people lose their homes, jobs and so on and so forth. I hope the suffering is mass and hits very very hard.

I have said it many times before and I am not going to back down now ... even if it effects my own family. Not so much an irony that others who used to say the following now back down because the discomfort now affects them.

This world needs a wake up call.

Adios ... whilst it's still permitted in this region, I'm off for a walk! ;)

[Ponder]

Going to the other extreme ... one of my friends and my son will be playing this new release in the week ahead to pass the time as the world endures what it must:

Releases March 31


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4d81bHQxeUc

[Ponder]

My son is now on the welfare line. It's a LONG line all the way down to the end of the street. It's not so bad though. They will be getting more than the usual welfare limit to better help then pay their higher rents/mortgages and so on and so forth. People just have to learn to go without. I think this is good for them. They can see what it's like. I really got to say I love how this virus does not discriminate ... unlike all those racist attacking my family.

[Ponder]

I can tell you this much, it the virus is as deadly as they say it is - then Australia is fucked. This country is too busy trying to do business as usual. We took out little one out of school although they are still open here, among other things. I do worry for my wife re he Multiple Sclerosis and if the universal journey for us has been anything to go by, then I guess we might be fucked. As much as I am skeptical about the back story to this whole drama, I can concur that I am being mindful of my own actions, I don't hold out hope in any way or form regarding the behavior of main stream society.

Although my daughter is stuck in the UK, now unemployed without being able to get any form of welfare since not being a citizen, I trust the people she is with will do what they can to support her basic needs. The UK seem to be doing a good job re containment from what I can see. Again - best I can say, if it really is as bad as they say, then the way Australia is dealing with it ... well ... we are pretty much fucked. We advised our layer today that we are no longer sending our grandson to see his father. If I am to play along with containment, I will not do it in half measures.

From a containment point of view, Australia is just building ICU tent cities on the side, but trying to send as many as they can into the fray in the name of making money. If it's like they say ... then they will for sure keep spreading it as more able people are better able to carry the virus and so on and so forth.
_________________________

Now on the other front ... it sure is fascinating to see the degradation of main stream people and seeing those who have not really suffer, suffer more. The police state tactics, up marketed law enforcement and military control poised hit the streets - again all facilitation to see how this kind of thing is being analysed and implemented. Suicide as I already mentioned with the fella driving into the substation is surely set to go through the roof and just seeing the residual effect likewise in everyone giving way to greed and so on. - People yelling, shaming and blaming on social media as well as in the malls and on the street.

So --- where is all this Love and Light? Hmmmmmm I'm not seeing it? So that part of the new age equation with all this talk of star seeds ... I still don't buy that. Like I said before with that above video I only glean. People are not 'wrong' to question the media and those that control it when it comes to disclosure regarding perception management irrespective of how deadly or not this virus is. It's a completely different topic. There is a LOT going on in the background and things will not quite go back the same as things were before ... that is if we are to beleive authorities, many in our families will be dead. What will be will be.

OK - I'm out of words like I am toilet paper. Thankfully I have a shower head I can stick up my but and a LOT of rags to wipe myself down that will last quite some time. The food line at this point looks pretty good. Trucks are still running and yadda yadda ...

If you want to get all dramatic ... lets talk about how the virus could mutate? Yadda Yadda ...
_______________________________

Lucky I have a back yard to walk in. I feel sorry for those penned up in high rises and so on. In that light - people in houses with yards will do well. I also have my min trap to bounce with under the sun. Of course as far as I know, most people in most places are still getting about. I'll follow the law when the time comes, but think it's ridiculous the way authorities are playing half measures when it comes to making money. I think my biggest issue with sleepless nights in not knowing which camp I really want to sit. I say all this shit and yadda yadda - but only human and susceptible to all the BS being pumped into our heads regardless of making out I think I know what's going on. I DON'T ... I'm just airing out my shit in here in a way that does not spread the virus ... although if your reading and negatively impacted on what I am saying ... well ... you have the choice to leave. ;) If on the other hand you are wondering why when you find my words unsettling yet your still reading ... again ... just like me focused on shit I can't change - I guess your humanity is hooked.

How to rise above this drama?

Give it now attention? Or see it, react, allow reaction and then let it go ... again I really don't know but sense that sounds good enough. For now I go watch some stuff on SpaceX's Starship Development. Not sure how if commodities are still flowing as well as before, but if I do acquire an appropriate camera ... I look forward to maybe logging in some scooter rides with perhaps police chasing me to quarantine or jail me. lol ... not.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I think will sleep ok tonight. This was a good write! Will also bounce on my mini tramp ... it helped A LOT ... the other evening.

[Ponder]

BUT hey ... let's keep an open mind hey. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSCfGhai4EQ

Edit: I got share this one now: ... Not that it undermines the bigger picture being disclosed in the above ...

https://i.ibb.co/9ykXrrB/34050223-592459694449802-133001844233338880-o.jpg

[Ponder]

You do realise there are powerful people out there that pull the strings of your leaders currently buying out global corporations in a grab for total domination? I now so hope it's the Chinese and that through the profits of this economy your all bitching about ... that they slingshot past main stream space dominance and dumbfound the world by being the first to colonize space. Now that would be awesome to see. I'm guessing it's non denomination run off planet but hey ... my tin foil hat needs a few upgrades before I can confirm such things.

Righto ... enough spamming for now.
Night night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz again.

[Ponder]

Wife is now sick ... I can hear the drums rolling regardless if it's me playing them or not. Sigh.

[Ponder]

I'm sure its just the usual fatigue that she suffers with the MS. All the drama that's going on is taxing the best of us. I'm again questioning why I keep posting as I do - but pleased to say I'm doing OK hygiene wise and back out walking. I really hope I can sleep before midnight tonight. That's still been a struggle.

To be sure I am a head case.

Rang all the kids - as dispersed as they be. My daughter that ran off with the guy that's now in goal ... now claims she has new parents. The father is Transgender (more's the power to him) and the mother I am unsure of? Trying to keep positive is hard when it's always the medication talking. I have at least let her know I am thinking of her and will always be there for her. My youngest boy is still putting up with the racism, but tells me it's OK as she has many friends going through the same thing. My eldest boy who not long got out of prison himself ... I am pleased to say he has reintegrated well with his X and his two children. My daughter in the UK has us a little worried we losing her job and not being a citizen unable to get help locally .. we are helping her apply for some supper and mostly likely bank a little money.

Hmmmm what else .... My wife and I have a Skype conference re family court report - two days time for that. It all seems to be happening at once as we are also now home schooling the little one.

I have cut off a few of my supports as although I still figure there is a LOT of hype to this world drama, I'm not going to say that this new strain of whatever is not going to reach us. That said, I want nothing to do with the online main stream drama. That shit is starting to get to me despite me saying whatever. I hated people before this venture ... now I absolutely want fuck all to do with anyone that has nothing nice to say. I am way too super sensitive and the vibes outside are really starting to wane on me.

That's about it.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Life Goes On:
______________

... at least for now. I have an excellent night ride after my friend bought me a new light and I fitted an old rear light to my scooter.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Night night.

https://i.ibb.co/qMz5dSF/400lumen-USB-lights.jpg
https://i.ibb.co/X3hR0bp/A-Pair-od-OXOs-Out-About.jpg
https://i.ibb.co/R3s8XrX/Enlightened.jpg
https://i.ibb.co/vq5YqyM/Foresight.jpg

[Ponder]

... continued from above ... ZZZZZZZzzzzz http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif
https://i.ibb.co/ryNz7d3/Rear-Light-Addon.jpg

[Ponder]

Something to wall away the hours during lock down ... On Steam Now:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSat_gLDXPc

[Ponder]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCJvNEzPgeM&lc=z22aibaj5nvdcztsiacdp433qlst3vpocxzo3f025fpw03c 010c&app=desktop

[Ponder]

I think he is more a spokesman giving into public pressure these days, but still has some good points.

Moving On ...
https://www.reddit.com/r/Steam/comments/fhyanb/petition_to_have_a_corona_steam_sale/

Coming out of the house just because you did 14 days means squat at this stage. You are just as likely to pick up, get sick and or end up becoming a carrier if you think you get some kind of free pass because you did 14 days. Try a world lock down with martial law for 6 months. Fuck your job, possessions and all that BS ... fuck all that shit and YES all my shit ... Alas ... we will just give in to the comfort way of living and keep spreading our toxicity whether is corona or just our pathetic way of being. eh ... what's that "unhelpful ..." you say. Excuse me while I drop to the floor and roll over a few times. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/laughing-hysterically-smiley-emoticon.gif

Have a fucking fabulous day all. :)

[Ponder]

I have no idea what to beleive, but this was absolute fascinating to listen to. If your relying solely on main stream news, then of course you will recoil taking anything else in. Your basicaly fucked whether you catch the virus or not. Being open won't make you feel any less of a prisoner (in fact you'll not want to hear it because the truth can be too much for most) but it can make you feel somewhat free through the 'realization' of just how much we are all programmed like sheep. Choose to see the bigger picture whilst still making practical choices that don't see you end up being branded negatively. Although our self policing mentality will always see those disclosing truth demonized by those uncomfortable with anything counter to their investments ... monetary, psychically and psychologically. We all hooked in like ice addicts with our main stream living, denial and constant deception of self. Waking up to the truth either makes us or breaks us. I fear I am still broken ... but that's OK! It is as is and will always be as it will be. Cough Cough! But in places like here I will continue to exude as I must.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAE8C0iEoRQ

[Ponder]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHMDrhBREXU

[Ponder]

I posted this in the main but will log in here as well for my own records and just add a note or two. :)

I figured since I mostly ware a tin foil hat, I would go the other extreme and share this video for those wanting to give a virtual bitch slap to those who think COVID-19 is nothing but media hype. I do think there is always an agenda associated with such epidemics, but don't deny the seriousness of COVID-19.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4J0d59dd-qM

Very interesting to say the least ... just like many of the tin foil hat videos that I regard in the same way I do this.

I find it more interesting how the world is responding locally and abroad. I do feel there is much in the works behind the scenes just as toxic as the virus. In fact not all tin foil hats disregard how deadly COVID-19 is. Moreover, many believe it's doing what it was designed to do. I personally don't feel browbeating people into submission will help just as I don't beleive beating people in India is going to work. In fact I think it makes it worse. The bigger picture is how such antic with our social classes and oppressive dealings makes many of us wish this world would come to an end. Alas ... finding hope in one's death need not be such a drag. That said, finding hope while one can still breathe is just as admirable. I ponder on the space in between and all that reside within that space.

I leave it at that for now. Who knows where this will lead.

Today I went out - I wonder how it is that we now judge each other for such things? Self policing is taking grip more than ever before. There is a huge negative energy taking place for all this love and light I am hearing from one or two I know personally. Personally? Hmmm It's hard not to go clinically depressed and well for me; insane ... BUT ... I'm hanging in there ... at least at a level that is good for me.

We are still permitted to go out - but rules are tightening up. There is a change currently taking place in the world that has nothing to do with the virus itself. That is quite concerning for many who don't even understand or sense such a thing.

I leave it at that for now. I do good to deflate the bitterness ... I think I am once again ... nearly all out.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz

If your reading me from an objective place because we have never crossed each other or more so understand each other on whatever points - then I say to you
Stay Safe. Everyone suffers - I hope you and I ... do it well.

[Ponder]

Trip to the cemetery with my grandson: He says poppy lives to infinity and Nanna lives to 200. I said I don't want to live to infinity. We spent most of the time doing math going from grave to grave - trying not to walk over the less obvious ones. It was a good trip - we also said hi to a few kangaroos. Excuse the MEME ... we had a more gentler discussion. I'll leave the brow beating to the doctor above. Does not work for me.

https://i.ibb.co/C50SGh0/Cemetary-Trip.jpg

[Ponder]

Dram drama - we'll have to visit again soon. It was certainly an enlightening experience. Well what else has been happening? I got a few upgrades for my scooter. Still waiting on my ultralight hiking chair to get repaired. I sent it in just before the corona virus hit and now it looks like a got a lengthy weight. In fact I just broke away mid this post to email and politely request my chair back as it due to the special relationship I have with it. The frame only needed to be re-corded. The chair still works fine. In fact they are possible the best ultralight chairs in the world for what they are. Apparently their staffing is having issues re the corona virus. I sent it in just before things got worse.

Anyways - I can't wait to get my chair back whether it's re-corded on not. The only other thing to do is get myself setup with a GoPro camera that I have been planning on doing for years. First the idea was to video a couple of bike rides. Since I got my electric scooter, I figure it would be really cool to record some of those trips.

Boy oh boy ... ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz really feeling it tonight.

Night folks ... stay safe! Good luck but do what you can do.

[Ponder]

Well I got that GoPro I was pondering about. I asked my wife what she thought about the little clip I put together and have to agree, these little videos I make from time to time of the little fella a really hard to watch. We are so afraid that we might lose him to an ongoing court case that's been in the works for nearly six years now. It really has taken it's toll on us but not so much as to affect the intricacies of ensuring the little guy gets the help he needs. Despite having a very strong case, you just don't know with the courts. Anyways - I try not to think about it too much. He is a very special kid. Not just because of his lables but more so because of the sweet innocence that takes much longer to corrupt with autistic kids. There is a bliss to be had in being slow to catch on to the toxic way of our current evolution.

I watch this despite the fear because we both have a good time unwinding doing this kind of thing. His laughter is genuine. I still hug and cuddle him like he is 3. I could care less about those who use terms like helicopter parenting. That plays well into that toxic evolution I just mentioned. It's sad that many of today's parents are embarrassed of autistic kids. It helps to drop turn the camera away from your own face and focus it on something else.

Anyways - This was a feel good clip. I leave that feeling ride for a bit. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sfd2aC8kmU&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

Praise be to Coronavirus! Personally, I don't think we have been impacted enough to make the so called difference; evolutionary step.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcNwZdoFK3k

[Ponder]

Calm Radio. Have you heard of it? I ended up subscribing. I came across it whilst out riding my scooter listening to Tune In Radio. I was constantly getting adds about CALM RADIO and whilst I have tuned myself out of listening to add - the calm nature of that advert finally had me go check out calmradio.com (http://calmradio.com)

I decided to mess about with a new video. Ended up recording my desktop audio for better sound, but will no doubt end up with a copyright infringement. Sigh - It really sucks how you cant just share snippets of the world these days. Hell, I have had copyright infringements just for a radio in the background. It's frigging ridiculous. Finally I don't have to make playlists. Some of the channels are good enough to just listen to four hours at a time. I can tell you since busting my shoulder with my recent scooter accident, that the calm radio app has defiantly slowed me down. I'm out longer and enjoying the scenery much more. A lot of guys into electric scooters do seemingly get caught up in the speed riding with full face helmets. OH YEA ...

My ultralight hiking chair has been fixed and will be out their door hopefully tomorrow and delivered in 8 to 10 days thereafter. Whilst I don't mind sitting on my scooter, leaning back in my dedicated chair at a few choice spots with calm radio playing will be just what I need. I know some good spots out of sight where out now self policing society will be less likely to see me doing my anti social thing. Truth is I have been social distancing for decades now. The only thing is though, I do require the ability to access small pockets of nature with *&%$ all people in it.

Cognitive wise I am still declining ... but that's OK ... It's hard dealing with people that inadvertently trigger me .. or don't realise just how difficult it is for me to understand fast pace talk with new instructions. People behind that counters don't realise just how robotic they have become. I'm so lucky to have support with I have important appointments. ATM I have an exemption re being outside with support workers. This whole thing about STAY THE FUCK @ HOME re the corona control thing is getting quite oppressive. I feel like when they pull out the temperature gauges without even explaining what they are doing, it's like they are pulling out a gun and pointing it at my head. So many sheep all lining up and then you get those you could not give to &^%#s. That kind of conflict really confuses me. I've seen people like those that have been going on Corona Holidays due to no work ... similarly just blatantly breaking laws. More loud music than usual, hoons racing up and down the street, people walking around with dogs off leash not giving a *&^% about their dogs licking other passer bys. SIGH ...

How to switch off to all that? That's the part of walking that I hate, despite walking being the best medicine of all. Is good I got my pushbike working again. I need a good medium between my scooting and walking. I'be put on a lot of weight but all things considered, I'm not going to beat myself up.

You know something ... I really miss not knowing stuff. Like I don't know shit really - but just saying is all. Miss the passion of wonder kind of thing. This world really is spent when it comes to finding things of worth. yadda yadda ... Of course world view really does come down to perspective. Number one reason I am so misunderstood. The whole classes/status thing only serves to compound that issue as well. In fact the latter facet is typically the straw that breaks the camels back to those that would otherwise identify.

Video still encoding ... I link that later on.

Wish I could be more upbeat. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Don't like being down but then again, the fire in me just seems to be dying down naturally.

Night Night.

[Ponder]

It will be 2am before I sleep. All good - Learning new things takes me longer these days. Many changed to my routine as well affects me like so. Anyways - Here's my laid back review on Calm Radio. Hopefully the fresh bedding I put on will help me sleep like a baby + some of the nature sounds from calm radio. I try again ... night night.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tmxyVnfC0U&t=1s

[Ponder]

So - to follow up on another post I threw together in a scooter forum. I basically came up with the following image that accounts for all my record keeping over 21 Charge Cycles of my scooters battery. The last thing I want to happen whilst I am many kilometers from home is to have to do the scooter walk of shame. LOL - Whilst I could kick scoot on it, mine is up high being on off road scooter, so it's not really that ergonomic for doing so. I would feel like a clown having to do that. Whilst 21 charge cycles divided by the ODO (955KM) comes in under my 60KM average ... not all my charge cycles were full charges. A number of them were only top ups. I also had sessions where I was speed testing (including my accident!!!) and do a lot intense hill climbs.

That said - I am pretty confident now that based on a full charge cycle gong from 68V down to 52V I can whilst in the variables as outline in the following image do a max of 60+ km ... and when not wishing to fully deplete but leave a little in the tank when charging (which is the recommended method [bar one fully drained session every 20 - 30 cycles) I will on average get between 55 to 60km which is fine by me. You never beleive the stats given on the web sites. The stats for mine is 100km to 110km based on a maximum of 70kg on perfectly flat road with now stopping, wind and on so. Not real world stats. At anyrate .. this is how I have thus far avoided the walk of shame. TOUCH WOOD! I am sure that manufacturers will soon release smart gauges. That said, there as many variables with electric transports.

A summery of my records based on the above and following stats:
https://i.ibb.co/yksh4vH/Fuel-Gauge.jpg

[Ponder]

Enough said ...

https://i.ibb.co/vX4Cx2R/Night-Ride-01.jpg

[Ponder]

The news on my shoulder is not good. I have a 3rd degree torn ligament in my shoulder. Something about the scapular and clavicle. I don't remember the details other than its already been 5 weeks and things are not looking good. I think this one is going to need surgery. I can still move around, I'm just in mild pain and then severe whenever I try and lift anything. The comfort eating has gotten out of hand. I really need to get a grip. Not being able to exercise as I normally do to keep myself regulated is starting to get to me. The trouble is I tend to push through things which I should probably not ... however I do need to keep moving. I think I will have to start using the mini tramp more than anything else.

Yadda yadda ... the media is pumping out more fear than ever before with all kinds of threats for people leaving their homes. I think walking around the block or even riding a bike is still aloud. I'll be gently going on my scooter as pushing down on my bicycle adds too much weight on my shoulder compared to just standing up. That said, I'll probably get arrested having to explain to the power monger cops how I rate an electric scooter as out and about head space exercise. This world gets more oppressive by the minute.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Despite the shoulder, I really need to do something about this weight gain. It's a combination of the pain, resultant comfort eating and this damn depression re Isolation and a world going insane. Half my problem these days with exercise is remembering the moves so I came up with the following after ripping a youtube video. I'll just have to go gently into the night on this one. Boune nice and slow. Tuesday after the Easter break I will contact private specialist to set up appointment and get a quote. Seems my mother might come to the rescue again. If not - I'll have to wait a long time I suppose - BUT living a sedentary life is going to kill me. I am very luck I bought myself a high end mini tramp when I did. It's really good for just bouncing on softly before bed let alone using to go full pelt.

https://i.ibb.co/bgtHjkn/Mini-Tramp-HIT-Work-Out-Animated-Chart-2.gif
Whatever works ...right? ;)

[Ponder]

They are now opening call centers to deal with all the neighbours dobbing each other in. Go figure. On that note, I am heading out the door for some exercise ... also going to cross 'paths' with a friend. DEAL WITH IT!!!

Fucking Puppets ... and so easily strung.

I only listen to the trees and sun! I fucking hate people more now than I did before being pensioned off. I hope this world gets what it deserves.

Happy Easter Everyone. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/rude/1/middle-finger-2.gif

[Ponder]

How's the shaming and blaming going? Seems to be rife out on the street minus those who go to the other extreme and pretend they don't give two fucks; myself included. (Don't want to be a hypocrite now) Seems to only be the comfortable ones that can claim fame to any sense of stability - but that's nothing knew. It goes without saying I got a few filthy looks but then there where also a few smiles, but mostly form others out doing their own thing similar to me. I am actually enjoying the reduction in noise ... hustle and bustle - but not this new Nazi regime. I really hope it lasts a LONG time. People are quick to forget once the comfort comes back. I guess in that respect nothing is new. People are and have always been assholes. In fact if I think about it like that, it kind of takes the sting out of this epidemic of finger pointing that's going on. Yep sir re - people are ass holes through and through. That's how we are all connected my little blue ass angelic friends. hahahaaaa ... seriously

Best get back to playing games and then later jumping on my tramp like a blue ass fly myself.

Love and light peeps - Keep up the bitching and moaning. You making those in power proud. ;)

[Ponder]

This is what a torn shoulder ligament looks like. The separation between the joints is getting worse and thus far with no operation in site it's quite depressing ... Grrrrrrrr. Sadly they are not operating in the public system unless life threatening. The longer I leave this, the more permanently disabled that joint is going to be and the pain I am going through atm really sucks! This was really bad timing with all the shit going on about now. Oh well ... I try and keep my spirits up with Easter over tomorrow I should be able to start with some phone calls. I fear the longer this is left, the more they will have to pull upon a ligament from my neck. I really don't know ... but can't wait to ask as if you don't they rarely tell you that kind of thing.

https://i.ibb.co/kDqw1Nb/Torn-Shoulder-Ligament.jpg

[Ponder]

WOW - it will be 3AM soon. I just had to finish my little video production of a 16+KM scooter ride condensed into 16 minutes. I have waited so long for a camera that can record my rides. The video quality is not so good in low light, but the stabilization is pretty good all things considered. I was limited via copyright music but I think I pulled it off for a low end user like myself. I really should be taking a break from the scooter but just could not help it as I have been waiting so long for the GoPro mounts. I just had to test it out. Cool, half way rendered. This should do go down nicely with the scooter group.

On another note - I found a really great video to help me sleep. I will for sure be using that shortly. I'll just text link that one:
Gentle Rain Sounds Rolling Thunder Sounds Black Screen Sleep Meditation Relaxing Rainfall (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0noWWGvmjhU&t=21683s)

Video is up ... although SD until online catches up.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BJ2Jt8YTjk

[Ponder]

Well that was therapeutic. Now whilst I got some encouragement, the trolling in the FB group was too much for me. That's another social media group I am better off without. It's because of the way we humans tear each other down and the way in which we are conditioned like so with all this emphasis on validation that I have taken all that BS off on most of my videos these days. I'm not going to stop making the scooter vids/vids but I am getting choosy with where I share them and what control I give people to trolling them. Now I am no angel and can get pretty damn nasty myself - BUT - I generally do it in my own space and regret the moment I shit in someone else's nest. Kama has a way of quickly sorting that one out. I ponder to think how the phrase ' you don't shit where you eat ' get's taken out of context or can be a double edge sword when taken to mean you don't take on your own pain but dump it elsewhere. That's how we end up with so much shit in our streets. Mostly on the faces of others as they make their way grinding the mill. Social media then becomes the platform where they then hate on others.

The big question is - am I done hating on others? Hmmmmmm. Well I think it's clear to me how I feel when I say, "I think I nailed how I would rather feel being what I captured in my last video." I just need to make more of those moments and also enjoy the moment whilst making them.

MY CHAIR arrived back from the factory with all the elastic brand new. I have to start sitting outside under the trees in that some more. Stop a lot more on my scooter and stop longer. It really is not about racing from beginning to end but the moments in between. I guess smashing my shoulder like I have has had a positive impact.

The private specialist/secretary has helped to set up an MRI and another in-depth X-ray for the end of this week. It's hard not to be down about the torn ligament. Whilst the ride was not too stressful I can't pick up anything more than 5kgs which is really annoying ... especially not being able to pick up my grandson. Soon I will have to start baring the load of my wife as her MS progresses. Already help with the bath tub from time to time. Oh boy - this COVID19 thing has everything on hold ... even the private operations. I'm just going to have to keep taking it easy and hope my neck does not get involved. I am thankful the private doctor is going to bulk bill my appointments and I just have to pay for reports is all. That is helpful. Even if my mum can't help (I don't expect it) ... however I am lucky my mother is so willing and is able has she has been to have helped all these years. Whilst we fell out re my brothers untimely death ... I will miss her dearly. I already do as we live so far away from each other and despite having issues, I do have a lot of responsibility that holds me back. We already talked about the fact I wont' be doing any funerals, although that is more to do with my own issues re being around people. What we do now is what counts. I do like digital media for keep in touch with family ... but that's about it. This forum has severed me well too. Has come down to me though ... being constant and using the space as I best now how.

AWESOME ... I got to say that
Thunder and Rain Sounds Black Screen for Sleep Relaxation Rest and Meditation Thunderstorm Sound

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htls-6Mjp8Y
... is just the ticket. It's been the best ever to help me sleep. 7 to 8:30 minute mark .. nice rolling effect!!!
I am downloading the full 10 hours so I can play in the background on a different app other than my phones browser. I've just been using a cheap ass Bluetooth speak not much bigger than a gopro. I think tonight I set up something a little better speaker wise.

might wind down now I thinks ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz 4 minutes to go on that download ;)

Night Night.

[Ponder]

Have appointments re my shoulder tomorrow. They take your temperature before allowing you to come in. I'm sure I will pass the Covid19 Test. :) My scooter mirrors arrived today. Whilst we have laws that prohibt riding electic scooters on the main roads, the mirrors do come in very handy for the residential roads as well as those moments I choose to cross over without a designated crossing present. The view is clean and crisp. To be sure the whole concept of these scooters are still alien to the place I am living in. The fact I have a high end version of the product only makes it seem more alien. The trouble with that is how people are resistant to accept new things. Some people are cool however. Since getting the mirrors I see more people smiling ... perhaps laughing. lol ... many envious no doubt. Once you realise just how much weight these thing can carry and just how far the can go on one charge ... well it all starts to make perfect sense. I just can't get over the terrain this thing will go - everything bar sand pools of mud.

I've been in a foul mood of late but something about it feels healthy. Doing my best to make sure I don't upset others in my immediate surroundings. I'm just over people. I can smile at those who smile in return, but I don't go out of my way to pretend. Although that said, I do make the effort to smile when not feeling it ... to avoid falling down into a pit of despair. Not always, but do admit doing so helps. It's been like I have been letting of much needed steam and working out why it is that I just don't fit in with main stream. That for me, it's not really a requirement that is needed.

Time for some youtube then bed. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zz PS - Those recorded storms are really helping me sleep.

Handle bar extensions and phone holder yet to come. Not sure I will go the Bluetooth speakers that many bling bling users are using. I will however put on a front scooter bag so I can keep my current backpack small and light - or just simply carry more stuff.




https://i.ibb.co/ftpFBbw/mirrors3.jpg

https://i.ibb.co/fSMFDhm/Mirrors2.jpg

night night...

[Ponder]

This was a good watch ... so true ... NOW I TRY SLEEP :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QAInsadnhM

[Ponder]

I do care about people who suffer because of other people. Even the one's I detest, but my heart is mostly with those who can't speak. : ( The conveyor belt treatment at radiology was absolutely disgusting. I was a stuttering mess and all my concerns were completely ignored/dismissed ... with the nurse picking up from the last question (again without any acknowledgment of what I just said) then going straight onto a barrage of questions without any explanations. I stood my ground and told her the way she and others treated vulnerable people was inhumane. One of the patients whom the nurse warmed up to for social compliance sake started laughing at my defensive take on the BS Process. This is why I can't allow myself to die in a hospital. I will crawl out and die in the gutter if I have to.

Man oh man ... it does not help that I am losing control and those that want it so bad treat humans like garbage in order to have it. Suicide idealization has been quite high for me of late, however not so bad that I am a threat to myself or others. I'm just acknowledge how lonely and pointless the existence can feel at times. The amount of tug of war and fighting for ones so called rights just wares you down. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I managed to touch base with my new Malaysian friend online today. That was a really positive session. I also had a good talk with my scooter friend who is also going through hard times himself. Most of my struggles is dealing with the public health care conveyor belt. Actually the private ones can be just as bad as it all just comes to do money in the end, not human compassion. The latter is such BS in today's terms.

Sigh ... 1st time I took endome in weeks re my shoulder pain. I don't want to be making a habit of that shit. The above guy actually touched on that in his speech.

Regardless of the addictive nature and or dogma/rigid compulsion to staying rutting in negative behavior patterns ... I really don't like being entrenched like so. Thankfully I still have a couple of friends.

At least the scans are out of the way ... private doctor appointment this coming Thursday.

God damn it ... I bit my tongue the other day and its taking ages to heal ... feels like I got glass stuck in it. what else can go wrong ... Smiles ...

Although my shoulder hurts ... I can still ride my scooter and that yet has not gotten old. Just need to find things to do that make me happy once I can find the energy. That video was cool to make. I could try doing another some time in the near future.

Again ... I don't like being an asshole. I don't think anyone does. It's just an addiction like anything else. Here's to all us assholes breaking the habbit.

Stay Safe! Regardless of COVID WTFE ...

Night night .... ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Tonights intetesting watch:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYexFRUoGww

[Ponder]

Why I no longer play into the climate change band wagon:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PrY7nFbwAY&t=907s&app=desktop

[Ponder]

The world is a stage. Here is my latest act ... although It's rather serious stuff that is tiring me out. This just reflect the hard times I end up having when going to appointments without support. People don't take my challenges seriously. They think I am just trying to be difficult. This letter does not cover the overwhelming triggers - but it's enough for me to make a point what happens to me when people do not listen to me. I'm sick of having to explain with labels but that is another story. This one is about my latest trip to radiology:
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________
To the manger,

I want to explain about two instances that I had anxiety attacks with the processing your staff were putting me through and also how I feel that my concerns where dismissed and put back on me.
I suffer ‘mild autism’ although there is nothing mild about my symptoms. The term mild only differentiates me from others suffers with stronger autism who can barely talk. There are times when my symptoms because intense enough that I do struggle to communicate. I believe this is what happened when I frequented your place of business but sadly the people dealing with me would not take the time to understand my explanations as to why I was struggling with the processes.

The first time was simply the speed at which the staff were talking. Please understand that for someone with autism, this can be extremely overwhelming. As well as suffering that condition, I am also partially deaf and suffer a number of other psychiatric conditions that have lead me to being pensioned off and also supported via the National Disability Insurance Scheme were I am typically supported for such visits.

I try to make this quick and apologize that I struggle to be concise. I don’t want this to all be about my labels as when I try to explain from that perspective, it’s easy for others to simply blame me and my resulting anxiety. Allow me to quickly make my own incident report and leave it at that with a final request. The following is just to give my side of the story so you can understand how the behavior of your own staff can exacerbate me, but also to show how your staff could learn to slow down and allow space and time for patients that need it.
_____________________________________________
Incident Report:
On my last visit I again struggle with the barrage of questions before being called in. When I got to the tiny change room, I started to feel very claustrophobic even though I said I was not to one of the questions. (I often get things mixed up and do not answer correctly when anxious) I ask the lady to stand back as she was standing right on top of me with her arm held out telling me in a rough voice to step in and put the robe on. I did not like her proximity to the tiny change room, her body language and nor her tone. I asked her to stand back and further said I would then only then move in to get dressed. The lady just stood there without changing her stance and repeated her instruction for me to get dressed. From that moment on … I was super triggered. I was stuttering and reverted to explaining that the way she was treating me was not right. She then stood back and disappeared.

When she came back, I tried to explain that she was rushing me and not giving me enough space. Although by this stage I was feeling very frustrated, stuttering and shaking – I checked myself and said “I am trying to make an effort to be calm here, could you please do the same yourself”

All she could say was “Put the robe on the front!” Again, in the very terse voice completely ignoring my concerns. I had issues putting that robe on but more issues later on.

Please understand that I am all flustered at this stage having a full-on anxiety attack. I tried to explain my plight with my challenges – but she was very rude to me and unwilling to see that I was struggling. Not one ounce of empathy. Just a barrage of militant like stances and instructions. People with ASD/PTSD/GAD and so on do not respond well to being pressurized like so. IN fact, it makes things worse. She was basically using that tone and standing over me all the way through. Until I started getting up and down from the MIR machine not knowing what to do. By this stage I was full blow in anxiety mode. It’s like when I am not sure what I am looking for in the pantry cupboard and start innovatory shaking my head and hand as it in some kind of trance. That is how it was when I got up from the MRI, went back to lay down, then got back up no knowing what to do. Only then did your staff member start to back off with her forceful tone and stance. I was doing my best to be compliant whilst having a genuine anxiety attack. Nobody wanted to say anything about that. As she try to position things and instruct me, I was bouncing around all over the place doing my best to comply.
It was just previous to this that this MRI nurse called over another staff member for her own support. This made me feel worse. I was not threatening anyone but her actions to have someone else come in made it feel like I was threatening her well being. That staff member was not there to make me feel more at ease. I was having a very hard time dealing with the overwhelming instructions and most of all what I felt was overbearing antics of this nurse. Her response to my panic attacks we to “Hurry up, I have other patients”
Constantly my concerns about not understanding what was going on, was ignored where the nurse would just continue with the next question and instruction as if she never heard me. That was extremely belittling. On the way out as she broke contact with me, she said something to another patient where laughter filled the corridor. I was extremely humiliated. That said I was remorseful not only for my own lack of control to better explain myself, but more so for the sense of guilt that was put back on my by that attending MRI nurse though every stage of that process.

That is my version of events … it was much the same the first time around. No understanding of my disability or attempt to understand my inability to comply with such a rushed process. In fact the staff response in my opinion was more abusive than her or the other staff members allegations of my own responses.
__________________________________________________ _

I have a solution. Would you please allow me to bring my NDIS support worker who normally comes to appointments with me? It just so happened the last few times I was unable to organize things on time.

I don’t want to be a burden and I certainly don’t think it was all me in both those instances that was causing all the anxiety. I feel everyone should learn from such unfortunate happenings.

I find when I have an NDIS funded support worker with me, that I am treated more respectfully and in turn myself am more respectful. People tend to take my disabilities more as genuine. I have all the necessary paper work to validate my conditions and again, have been warranted a disability pension and the NDIS funding for support. I was not trying to be difficult.

Now that this has been fully explained … may I please bring my NDIS support worker next time. I really do believe things will go a lot smoother. This email is not about accepting responsibility of doing wrong. It’s simply about acknowledging all sides and seeking a solution.

Regretfully and respectfully
Mr ****** *******
PS – I have CCD this to my NDIS Coordinator & Supports so she/they can further validate my supports and advocate for me if necessary.

Tania – I think I am going to need help with this. I will need to continue using this service and will be unable to do so without support. Could you please also contact Management on my behalf to perhaps make your own recommendation as well? Thank you. I really don’t like being the way I am. I really tried very hard to hold it together. This broke me down when I got home and spoke to my wife about what happened. I also spoke with Ben. You are welcome to call Ben and he can also explain how I was on that day after that Radiology visit. Whilst I feel I have a legitimate complaint, all I want is to be able to go back to this service and not have that nurse pin this all on me.

Thank you for your time ****** & ******.

Much appreciated.
David.

[Ponder]

SIGH and WOW - I really don't know what to say about that. I should ask Forest Gump :) lol I could learn a thing or two from him. I seem to be just getting worse. I see what I can do. Anyways - I think that email was for the best. I've been called a stage show before - but what you see is what you get. It is what it is. I'm done holding it all in. This world has not time for anyone. It's all the same pace for everyone when it comes to the medical toxic ways of rushing things. There really seems no way of avoiding it though. I'm going to have to put in place better practices when attending such things. All the hustle and bustle, noises, sings, instructions are enough to contend wit for me ... but the way people deal with others is just plain disgusting the way they do. It's hard enough at the fast food drive through, but to see the same mentally in a medical center ...

This is why I no longer want to be a part of the human species and or this existence. Sad to say - somehow I have to change the way I feel about that. I don't want my grandson picking up on that. At least I am aware of it and want to do something about this way of feeling. Right now there is a LOT of low vibes going on everywhere in the world and its very much residual. I have plans ... but for now ... with the torn ligament in my shoulder still plaguing me, the COVID19 WTFE - tomorrow we have another family court hearing over the phone ... it just keeps coming.

I really do think its part of some BS agreement before I was born - but let's leave that tin foil topic for another time. I best start relaxing as best I can to get some sleep ... maybe tomorrow my bitten tongue will start to heal. rofl ... fuck it ... you goto laugh in times like these.

Goodnight! Zzzz

[Ponder]

More ADD-ONs Arrive - Scooter Bag, Handle Bar Extender & Phone Holder

Also thinking about an enteric horn but I am not a fan of the sounds. That said I would not mind a DUCK with 'quack! quack!' to break the ice with a few difficult pedestrians.


https://i.ibb.co/JyZ5VBs/Accesories.jpg (https://ibb.co/8dk6qK7)


https://i.ibb.co/Nm3bh8D/Back.jpg (https://ibb.co/hZMw5PQ)

Google Maps and Easy Access! A+++

My phones buttons to not allow for exact middle placement, but so far so good. I will update as to how effective this is for the 'Galaxy Note 8'

I have it screwed in tight with my phone in another soft backing case with plexi glass cover.



https://i.ibb.co/RB2YbZ5/Phone-Holder-Bag-Handles-Bar-Extender.jpg (https://ibb.co/rckF0TW)


Boom Box on the lower end would compliment the frame/weight/ergonomic look but still looking a little better each time. I am considering lights in the near future.




https://i.ibb.co/1r2PFzt/Front.jpg (https://ibb.co/wS6P5cF)

[Ponder]

I was a little disappointed on my way back from a good trip out with friends to get a call with from my NDIS Coordinator who gave me feedback on her call with the Radiology place I wrote about a few posts back. I never really heard her swear before, but she did apologize before swearing saying more or less, that she had never deal with such a (*&^ed up place in her life. We know each other pretty well and she has been an awesome support for me so I did not mind her being so lose with her terms. She knew that as well. Long story is that my - well not mine - but you know what I mean ... the NDIS coordinator assigned to be had years previous experience in public relations. So it really meant something to me, more like validated, when she in no uncertain terms said that this place of business was extremely discriminatory towards mental illness. Knowing this is a massive hurdle with many places I frequent in public I reminded her that the Mild Autism Diagnosis is actually neurological. It's true I have mental illness labels as well, but I often attempt to skirt the mental illness discriminatory complement practices by trying to educate people on the neurological processing for ASD traits. BUT - to be fair ... long term mental illness suffers also develop neurological imbalance similar to ASD traits. In fact is has been said by more than one psychiatrist and clinical therapist that my PTSD has exacerbated underlying ASD which is systemic in my family. This gets a little deep but for the most part is straight forward enough - BUT - when it comes to the medical money spinning cattle converter belts ... no one has time for empathy, compassion and all that jazz.

Sorry for long paragraph.

In a nut shell - the world in which we live today has very little time and space for so called neurotypical individuals ... unaffected (although no such thing really - just my opinion ... everyone is affected one way or another) I was advised it was not worth the effort to complain any further given that the discriminatory energy was coming straight from the top. After the coordinator rang others in her disability circles, it was confirmed that the place I was complaining about had indeed, a known reputation for abusing vulnerable people. At the end of her conversation It was permited for me to have a support person come along with me through the hole process ... but I have since been guided to attend the private hospital under bulk billing for future ultrasounds and Xrays. I'll only go into the the meat grinder for MRI only. At least in the end ... in my book ... I pulled these cruel bastards up with a pointy bone and let them know I won't be taking their shit in the future. Respect goes both ways. OK

Here my friends and I had a moment of mental instability re social distancing. Whilst we were doing pretty good with it and most of us fairly stringent with compliance ... *&^% it ... your just going to have to deal with it!

Fuck that sun is bright ... BUT ... less brighter than tomorrow if I had not gone out.

https://i.ibb.co/Kx61GRt/Friends-Getting-Some-Sun.jpg

I put up some clips of out journey to that spot later on.

I sincerely hope I get some sleep tonight. All my focus is on now ... is the upcoming appointment at the hospital re my &^%$ed shoulder. It really has impacted me more than I ever thought. I really am getting older ... but that's OK. It's a new form of learning I guess. Such a blessing (for lack of a word) that I can sill ride my scooter if I don't go hard.

Night night.

[Ponder]

I had a really good solo walk this morning listening to calm radio whilst doing it. I got a call from my wife who said she was hiding in her room with our grandson because a bird flew in to say hi. When I got home I said hello to the bird, opened the front door and then it decided to leave on it's own accord.

That is the start to my day. ;)

[Ponder]

Just ordered a horn for my scooter. But now wishing I got this set up:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGWRB2UNOmI&list=PLXOfb0wF7UGYFH6Rzj6JkHGr YFFdRtQ8O&index=3

Instead I settles for this one:
https://www.ebay.com.au/itm/AIR-ZOUND-XL-BIKE-HORN-PET-AIR-RESERVOIR-HANDLE-BAR-MOUNTS-SAM-BKAZXL/352280193463?ssPageName=STRK%3AMEBIDX%3AIT&_trksid=p2057872.m2749.l2649

Here is an example of someone looking for trouble using it:
https://youtu.be/ZOmU-G5uBpU?t=43

I know it might seem overkill for sidewalks and shared paths - BUT - you would be surprised at all the obnoxious pedestrians with the texting, iTunes and just outright ignorance. I will give fair warning with my bell - but not going to keep repeating it - Instead I will let RIP with my new horn - coming soon! Seriously - I think learning to tap it quickly at the right distance and timing it just right will make the different between people accepting what is and giving way or manifesting tension with regular travelers and regular routes. No doubt something to consider in smaller towns.

This purchased was inspired by a couple of ladies that refused to move out of the way on the share path. In such instances I will have no issues in helping to influence them the next time around.
I just need to get a clown one to follow up as an icebreaker ... HONK HONK!!! ... then - Squeak Squeak!

[Ponder]

Seriously ... when words fail and the world is still closing in on me:

White Sage:

https://i.ibb.co/N6ZD90v/Burning-Sage.jpg

I got some bad news today, but not going to empower it with a story. It's more a turning point than anything else. I walked about 9km over two walking sessions today. My only goal is to win the court battle to keep out grandson where he will be safest. After OR if we pull that off ... (looking good at this stage touch wood) ... The three of are going to start taking little weekends away without our computers. (little guy can bring his pad of course. hehe) Point being ... we are going to need to recover. We have been holding out for so long and we are still copping it from all sides.

I smell the sent a little more ... find something easy to watch then try to sleep. I need to keep that walking up and find times where I just no longer think. When you are low for too long ... negative energies attract ... attachments take place and they are very hard to shake.

Good night ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qD7WDkyOU2Y

[Ponder]

One of the most objective and powerful videos I have seen on the world's current perception programming. No tin foil hats here, just a lot of information that makes a lot of sense:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4DmJlQezOo&t=4s&app=desktop
Now I can sleep.
Zzzz

[Ponder]

Off The Phone - Out In The Sun & Boosting My Immune System with Good Friends! A+++++

4K option still processing ... Could Not Wait. ZZZZzzzzz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kF6NoZSv2XI

[Ponder]

Might as well tough base re my shoulder. I am thankful as stated before that I can still ride my scooter, although now more roughing it for quite some time. I was informed to cancel my public physiotherapy as the damage done to my ligaments and joints is to far gone for any of that. Basically I am to treat myself like I am frail. My choices are wait 6 months and hope that I may recover a little more ability to a point that some people in the populous might consider do nothing is enough to get by. For me ... that scenario is a HUGE blow and my wife knows it. Not only because I have to lift her from time to time as well as my grandson who is getting heavier but because pushing, pulling and lifting things is a huge part of how I regulate my over all well being and most importantly, my emotions.

The plan if we can cover the private costs (will have a quote before the end of next week) is to have an artificial ligament implanted into various anchor points of my shoulder bones where connective tissues will take via the process of whatever .... bla bla bla. There is a 10% change it may not take even if I am 100% compliant patient with recovery. I have decided I have nothing to lose ... although if it does not take ... hmmm ... I can't help but think I would end up worse off??? I asked my mum to pray for both financial cost and recovery. She seems very keen to help which pleases me as her reason for doing so was quite warm. Like I say why I wont do funerals, is what we do when we are alive that counts. Mum figures she will not be around for much longer and as sad as that is ... it's true enough. I explained just how much of a lesson this has been for me re what we take for granted and how short our time really is. I know it feels long ... painfully long when in our down moments ... eternally long - but I got to say, this whole thing with my busted shoulder has really put me at the cross roads kind of thing.

I best start getting my healthy life choices together now because whilst that there is %10 or rejection regardless of patient compliance ... I figure the way I approach things can actually impact those numbers. I dare not think about how some professionals end up botching up the job. My wife and I still shake out head at how the public system screwed her ankle on in the wrong position. Sigh ...

Righto ... off to bed. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

SWEET AS ... 4K Now available. :) Looks Smick! Very Happy with this little action camera.

[Ponder]

Covid19 is not killing as many as they claim - Lock Down is killing more the Covid19. That said, it's nice to hide in the house and post on a common theme. .... A common point in which to commiserate and do more finger pointing.

The Stay @ Home Crowed ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/christian/jesus-leading-flock-of-sheep-smiley-emoticon.gif But in some places you will be beaten with a stick if you don't. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/nervous/scared-and-sweating-smiley-emoticon.gif


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cO-Jvjhu3_E

[Ponder]

Comment of the century: → "Ppl still laughing at conspiracy theorists while locked in their homes VOLUNTARILY. Read that again⚘" http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/laughing-hysterically-smiley-emoticon.gif
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS-avIZUMoA

That's my fill for the night. ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

In search of a new spot away from others:

https://i.ibb.co/WzFMf8W/Off-Road-Scooter-Spot.jpg

The tree to the left looks like it's in a predicament. I think I know how that feels. I'm always about finding spots away from others, although when doing this in town you can always here the road. Better than nothing though. If the animals and birds can find refuge in it, I guess it's good enough for me. That said, there is no where near enough of the space I need. I think I will or organise to take the car for a trip one day and just go hiking on my own two feet. I'm going to have to wait a long time for my shoulder to be any good with that kind of weight ... the scooter I mean re putting in my car. 40kg was not so bad before my damn accident, but now ... that would break me :( ... It was good though finding a place just to sit with the trees. Hopefully I can get the operation I need and be able to lift heavy objects all in good time. 51 is still too young to be frail.

https://i.ibb.co/6845mQR/Map-Overview-New-Horizons-Reserve.png

[Ponder]

I'm almost too scared to say it because I have failed many times in the last what; I don't know it's been so damn long. I'm referring to those times that I use this journal of mine to overcome my atypical episodes of depression and a wide array of other negative mind sets. When I am doing well in terms of my-self, I am usually dragged down by the/a resistance of/to this world, as my recovery path goes in quite the opposite direction to that of society. Resistance is as tenacious as it is addictive. Two things that mean the same thing but branch out like vines on the above tree. How to coexist? I'll have to go back and give the tree another look. :)

I try not to think so much but will reflect more on that throughout my day as I am yet again in the process of reclaiming what potential for peace I have left. Small steps. ZZZZzzzzzz Still waking up.
______________________________________

One of those steps was letting go of the holistic healer who was coming on strong in her attempts manifest money. Her new age talk was getting too strong and she slipped into the trap of treating me like a commodity. I had previously sensed that for me, I was slowly losing my own healing independence. That point not so easy to explain other than letting go of the effort and discipline to make connections within myself was seeing me fast fall into a whole new reliance factor. I had to question the latter with the same reflection and discernment I do when thinking in terms of the medical model. It's never so black and white. The complexity comes down to the individuals you see, their own set of beliefs, energy as well as those of mine.

But I try to keep it simple. I am better off doing most things myself. I don't mind human integration under the right circumstances, but once you mix money into it and call it a service; for some reason in my universe it never works. I really was more able (despite being officially pegged as disabled) before the system altered existing free community services and turned them into paid ones. The change that has taken place in that something to discuss another time. Only by understanding such things can the pros be utilized and the cons be avoided. I'm still utilizing said services - but questioning as I go because I miss the times I was doing so much better on my own. It's hard for me to admit, but I have been absorbed by the very system to which I have often objected to in my writings ... to that which I often resist. I once more think of that tree with the vines wrapped around it's trunk. Are the vines lose or are they tight?

Is all in the mindset I guess. To accept or reject - yadda yadda. How to take control without resistance by allowing one's boat to float down the stream without worrying what's at the end. To keep that grounded in this so called age of COVID19 ... one is amused whilst depressed at just how blinded this world really be. On that note, I feel the testing ground for bigger things yet to come is now relaxing and for sure people will just go back to being fully brainwashed more then ever before. This including any who might of temporarily woken up. I was warmed somewhat again by my mother in a recent message. Something about how both her husband and herself drift off to sleep each night whilst holding hands; amidst the isolation of this world. Mum did not say it like that - but that sounds like a brief enough summery and was how it resonated with me. I worry for her as Dad will almost be dead soon. Strong word but true enough. But then mum has her faith which I am glad for. Whilst it's not in line with anything I 'don't' have - her line of being is also not of this world which also makes me glad. :)

To be in this world but not of the world. I am all for that.

[Ponder]

Been down somewhat and avoiding feeding the feeling, but you know what they say about ignoring it as well. ELEVEN THOUSAND $$$$$$$$$$ to reconnect the joints in my shoulder. The residual pain has now made even riding the scooter and or riding the scooter no good for one or the other. The bone separation has popped even more. It's just become very depressing all over. My weight is almost skyrocketed back to 100KG which for a short guy like me is now bordering on dangerous. I HATE being overweight because just like with my sensitivity to textures of clothes, I feel so uncomfortable when only several kg overweight let along 30kgs over. The last time I was 30+kg over my optimal weight was when on medications.

I'm trying, but the exercise I can't do anymore in my current condition and whilst walking is something I can most definitely do ... the hole issue with my shoulder has smashed my confidence lower than it was before. Sigh ... I don't expect my mother to be able to come to the party on that price and not sure I want her too. The public system with the way things are now is going to take a very very long time and even then, those idiots wanted to do physiotherapy on my fucked up shoulder ... I mean like WTF ... the surgeon told me to cancel that shit as it would more than likely just have me end up worse. This the system that bolted my wife's ankle back on crooked. THAT SAID ... anything is better than a non functional ligament that only ends in pain whenever doing anything.

OK OK ... enough bitching.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

I really don't know what to say or why I am even bothering to try say anything. I have been like a zombie of late just winging each day other than looking out for the little guy. I think my wife has been the same. Very worried about the upcoming court date and pretty much decided that if we loose the little guy that our lives will be devastated. That would be the equivalent of someone coming into your house and taking your 6 year old son or daughter away from you regardless of the best interested of the child. We really are the only two people who have been stable in all his 5 to 6 years. He will not get the care he needs if he is taken from us - but I leave that be for now as it too painful to go any deeper. The damn corona SCARE whatever the fuck you want to play into has slowed everything down with this latest angst dragging on for fuck knows how long.

Moving on ... I should be very pleased (and I am) that my mother has come to the part re the much needed operation. Just so much pain and stress at every angle.

I best get to bed. The amount of weight I have put on is pretty disgusting. I don't know what else to say about that. I feel I have let myself down way too much but also feel I just have to let whatever be as as. I guess I am still falling into what I must. My body is in pain, feels clogged up and all scaly. I got to get a grip!!!

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz

That said ... as far as a team goes ... we are going out a little each day as a little 3 person family. That does feel good. We need to do more of that with all this uncertainty. I just want this *&^%ing family court case over and done with ... has been going on nearly as long at the little guy has been alive ... nearly 6 years ... so lets say 5. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Laughs out loud. I just can't help myself of late. I fell off the damn scooter whilst testing the brakes in my back yard after working on the hydraulics. Pull my damn calf muscle in a bad way. WTF is wrong with me of late? Without a doubt the extra 45 pounds added to that accident. Man ... just so fully of tension all round. It's amazing how long term anxiety stressed the body. Of course all the bad choices and just plain giving up is something I have to take responsibility for. I will give myself credit for finally working the hydraulics brakes on my scooter. That goal is supper important for me if I am to remain independent re my scooter.

SIGH ... I really don't like this path I am on of late, but I will do my best to accept it. Until we get a court date re the little fella, the angst just seems to be building. The dread from that point will most likely be worse. It's really painful to see my wife suffering the uncertainty, yet inspiring to see how strong she can be when it comes to giving that little boy what he needs. I include myself re that tact. The only thing I might be guilty of is giving him too many hugs and spoiling him when it comes to thinking of what may be.

So now my shoulder is smashed and I am limping as well. hahahahahaaaa ... arrr. Tonight I did take pain killer. Have been playing a LOT of games to bide the tension re above and deal with the world's latest events.

I miss my brother. Had a lucid dream that felt so real the other night. Kinds of sensing my mum wont be around much longer. That mean's both my biological parents will soon be gone. My brother already gone. That leaves only my sister left. But hey - I have my wife and grandson ... touch wood. It's so true that we come into this world alone and go out the same way. Not so simple I know. We come in with what I used to think was a clean slate but no longer know. I do know that the slate if muddled beyond recognition with a precondition identity that overloads one's true self whatever that really is. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Is OK, I won't go there.

Not much else to say. Just riding out what I must. PWD (Advocates from People With Disabilities) are taking on my case re the drama that happened no so long ago at Fraser Coast Radiology. Apparently someone else copped a full on case of discriminatory stigma re their own challengers as was likewise brow beaten into submission or they refuse to help. It was a good move getting an advocate to bat for me. The good Lord knows I have done it for others so many times. Now I am in the position of needing that help. There is just no avoiding the damn hospitals despite my claims of wishing to die on the side walk rather than have to endure such a toxic environment as I find them to be.

The noises, the rushing about, the bright lights, the cross chatter, the invasive projected TV screens with no access to an off button combined with the inescapable dismissals + patronizing both inadvertent and blatant all wrapped up into one. That's a recipe of perpetual triggers for the best of us let alone anyone with autistic traits. I'm getting worse with that shit as well. In my own environment a completely different story.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz night night.

This is nice with headphones ... so far so good. No lyrics - no speeches. Other than being there for those that need me or those I still have the capacity to help ... I really with all my heart want off this damn rock. :(

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWsk6P_Me9o

[Ponder]

I'm going to stow away on the final product of this once they sort out all the bugs. That said I would much prefer an alien ship.

Almost about to ignite static fire test:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJpVo_FovIE

[Ponder]

Touch Wood - New routine seems to be in place. You can do this Dave!

[Ponder]

Almost 9pm and I am ready for bed as it should be. Couple of days without coffee, sugar, salt and all the associate garbage I have been binge eating of of late. I have had plenty of false starts this year but figure it's safe to make a note of it for now. The gaming has also burnt a rut into my brain. If I am to have this operation I need to start healing myself now to give myself a better chance for the artificial ligament to take. I'd really like to have the use of my shoulder back some time soon. ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz I'm also burning out too easy each day with all this extra killer weight. I know age will get me in the end, but no sense in making the suffering any worse than it ought to be. All those comfort choice have wound up making me feel a lot more uncomfortable in the end. We really bullshit ourselves when it comes to those tasteful things ... well I know I do at least. Yawns ...

Very sleepy during the days ... but as long as I can go cold turkey I don't care. Cold Turkey is the only way that works for me.

Here's to another successful day. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I do beleive my skin is in less pain.

[Ponder]

Time to mellow out:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcUAG6t5aN8

Nailed another day. ZZZZZzzz Very early night tonight.

[Ponder]

This I found to hit the mark spot on for me. The fear generated in the community is over the top when it comes to going out for basic needs. Very frustrating to see so many ignorant people, yet understandable how and why fear is used to make people more obedient and blind to other facets going on in the background that none of the sheep could fathom and or bare to think. I used to watch this guy years ago when doing my Vegan thing. Like most people I only take with a grain of salt, however there are times where it's really worth sharing the link. A lot of theorists are full of shit and so too it's pretty obvious are those powers that be that control where we live and what we eat. Time to take control with the latter and accept that which I cannot change. One thing is for sure .. this world is most defiantly full of BS! The take home from this watch is not the juice diet or any kind of book ... just how current deceptions work and that protecting yourself has nothing to do with staying @ home, standing back or wearing a mask - it's actually much harder than that, but something each of us can do without the need for anyone other than one's self.

Given the world wants us all dependent on anything but ourselves - its easy to see how hard it is to make the break that mold. Fear makes for obedience, whilst depression makes for complacent choices design to keep us down. I'm so done with how the system keeps so many suffering.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUxWo1riM7A

[Ponder]

OK - because I really needed a laugh and think this might for you too ... as in WHAT THE FUCK ... This had me on the floor in stitches.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xCe0SXyrhc

OK ... winding down now. :)

[Ponder]

So here's how I am going to change my world & something that I know that has already worked for me:

MORNING -
Lemon water followed sometime later with steel cut oats / prunes / water / Banana with few dashes of activated almond milk / activated nuts + spirulina.

Lunch -
Salad with a list to long to make. Generally something that takes 20 minutes to make
Lettuce - Baby Spinach Leaves - Spring Onion - Capsicum - Mushrooms - Lemon Juice - Avocado - Olives - Coconut Oil - Activated nuts and seeds - Ginger - Beetroot - Kidney or Butter Beans and so on ... and so on.
That all gets chopped up and eaten raw

Dinner -
50 grams of steam wild rice + lightly steam veggies mixed in with a curry and coconut cream mix with kidney beans thrown in.

Snacks - in between mostly glasses or water - herbal teas + apples, carrots and the odd banana.
______________________

Main focus is hydration with mostly Raw vegetables and Some fruits.

For now - it's more about eating those whole foods than it is about timing ... although I am currently focusing on having dinner between 4 and 5pm. Generally 4pm worked really well for me when last time I was full on vegan and way WAY fitter and healthier than I am now. 4pm dinner for some reason sees me in bed around 9pm which with good sleep consolidates my efforts.

I feel like I am picking up on old hobby but where I typically do so with more skill and just as much a passion. Although admittedly I am slowing down, but more so in an appreciative way. The major injury to my shoulder has taken me a long time to accept but the latest calf muscle tear has now helped the fact that pushing myself the way I do has to stop. So it is that I am now resorting to my previous strict dietary intake that I know works well for me. It worked so well that I was only walking when down to a weight of 72kgs with only just walking and eating clean. All that gym mentality I would have to say was 90% vanity (as it's always pretty much been)

I'm sure for others it is something that they too feel they need to do. I'm just being honest with myself. The drive for regulating my emotional instability due to living in such a world and me being me - well - physical exertion without all that focus on thriving, desiring - the constant pushing and pulling in an environment that builds and sells on imagery that typically results in over use injuries - I have come to see how futile such a reality be. I can now say I have truly hung up my dumbbells for the last time. Both at home and with the gym. The giving in that comes from the gym merry go round is no longer a sad event where I feel I must jump back in the ring - for once in my life ... it feels more like relief.

All I am doing is changing my mind set. Exercise to me has only ever been a lesson to learn and in the end shown me just how much of a rat in a cage I have really been. Psychical labor is where I truly excelled and still could if in a world not so far gone as I now see this one to be. But even in such a balanced world, one would have to eventually have to accept the natural decline of life itself. This world in which we be instead indoctrinates as with fearing death. FUCK THIS WORLD for such indoctrinating. Yet to take those toxic words that come to mind and be rid of them in a way that also accepts the worst of whatever conspiracy/s exist ... and instead be one with self without such toxic feelings?

That's the question for me. No more exclamation marks - but a simple ending for a simple being.

[Ponder]

Texting this from my bed as of 3:04am. Woke up at 2am with an unpleasent hollow stomach. Also had an unsettling lucid dream that nothing good will come from unravelling other than noting my untimely awakening.

Regretably what a suspect as a damaged calf muscle has developed into pain further down behind the shin (whatever you call that part) that connects to my heal. Mostly hurts when I roll my foot to take a normal stride. I surmise I did too much yesterday and set back any healing for that day. I think I will get a new compresion bandage today. I shudder to think of this developing into anything that may require a scan. FUCK THAT! Not until my shoulder has been fix and I find another place that treat people with respect and not like catle in a slaughter factory.

Living with pain. This be my new theme. I am learning to respect it as I wish for this world to do to me. At this point, my compulsions are still getting the best of me. That said, I'm keen to stay the path with no more comfort eating during this time. This too makes up for some of the pain ... BUT ,,, I'm sensing I more grounded despite still feeling traped in a world of hurt. There is much to write about that I have left unsaid. All in good time. Those words I wish to choose welĺ as part of another period of letting go and prepping for whatever comes next. Prepping not a choice word ... 'allowing' I think be a better word that offers less resistance.

I try to relax now. Zzzz

Appoligies for bad spelling and grammar. On my phone.

[Ponder]

Well it's 10 past seven in the evening at the time I began this post. I know I will be in for another rough night but that's OK. I am expecting it and in some ways welcome it. I'm kind of taking things head on like I used to do when feeling reanimated. Like many other full time suffers it's more a case of making these more balanced periods more drawn out than the extreme lows in between. I really don't want to think too long on that. It's been so fucking loooooooong this time around. I literally welcome the pain that is seeing me put the right things back inside my body. Seriously ... when you really hit rock bottom constantly over and over with no end in sight, there really is only two ways to go.

So instead of saying we shall see how long I will last ... I'm back into the passion of prepping my food with fuck all eating in between. I'm doing live Facebook feeds for my family and friends to see. hehe ... I smile at such an act - but it's real enough. Dave's Truman Show live on FB. I'm making things more ritualistic thus times are syncing in naturally with my efforts. Thankfully I got the knowledge which makes it all so much more easy. I'm still finding myself sensitivity to sunlight at this early stage, but feeling the benefits as I force myself out for short stints in my back yard just using my highly favored ultralight camping chair. I do my best to make those times 10 minute mediation sessions. So you see it's all kind of coming together once again for me.

I sigh still because once again I know the damn caffeine, sugar and all other steadily built up toxins weighing my down are climbing the walls around 2am these last few nights and I have some more to go. I guess you could say I am fasting despite still eating. Hydration in also improving as well. I note that has taken as much work over these last few days and in some sense given the abuse I have put myself through I think it will take like 2 weeks before I am fully hydrated as I should be. Long term I am looking at 3 months for serious detox gains, 6 months for greatly reduced pressure off my joints and huge reduction in inflation all round. Between 6 months to a year is the period similar to giving up smokes as was for my my consolidation period. After one year I will aim for 2 years to break my Vegan record which was slight just short of that. Those are long term goals. For now ... I just work on the next few weeks of pain and my body's un-natural compulsive tendency to crave like hell. In fact I can attribute that to 3 months as well. It's usually when I embrace the bland living in comparison to comfort drugs that my taste buds return and I really start to enjoy making my own flavors with just a few herbs and oil and water.

Salt sees my circulatory system close up and retain water instead of letting it do it's job. Salt leads me to obesity as much as sugar so I am also no longer using it. I seem to get enough from my fruits and veggies. In fact I know I do. Once more ... this is all repetitive stuff for me now. I'm glad I know I can do it and know what works for me.
_______________________________________

WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING ... Not much. This latest effort is taking a lot out of me. Not much time for anyone else at the moment. I really and truly need to start healing before I reach the event horizon. In some ways I am blessed my body is broken and unable to do what it normally does during these periods. I'm done with all the hypo tyco night glo BS. All that bouncing off the walls. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz I kind of feel sorry when I see others still stuck in that rut thinking its the only way to unwind or a necessary means to keep from going insane. There has to be a better way. Hopefully for my sake I will find it.

[Ponder]

Does not surprise me as that is the guy that crashed a previous thread of mine where I gave up and left. By design. A pharmaceutical supporter I beleive. Go figure. Now he is part of the gang that hangs in their own thread where most of the traffic flows. That's fine by me. For a while there one of them was making fun of me when I got my new scooter. Made some kind of sig with me in it. Just the usual bullying tactics with a mob mentality. The other a closet racist hiding behind posting status. Anyone sitting on the side line dare not pop in or touch base for fear of being alienated. That's pretty much how we are all condition ... is it not?

As humans - we are a pathetic bunch. Not to worry though - I will continue on without worrying to much what any of those think. I will continue to create my world as I wish and not be influenced with shallow and pretentious banter that does little to inspire me. I wasted enough time as it was. If your reading between threads - you'll see the picture as I have painted. I'm just as pathetic and know it. That's what I have been trying to deal with and acknowledge it's not a popular read. What keeps me going is to understand what it means to be one's own viewer. Yea - I like that phrase. Makes total sense. When it's not despairing it can actually be quite empowering. I've missed being that way for quite some time now. Takes a deep breath and ponders more on that.

In other news. Smiles to think of just how systemic things be in my family. One of my daughters got a weird diagnosis ... I can't quite remember what my wife relayed but something like --- mmmmm actually it's so long all I got was something something Bipolar with bouts of phycosis or something or other. The thing that comes to my mind is the extent at how instability follows through. My deceased brother DXed with PTSD + schizophrenia and considering my long list he probably had a few others, my mother bless her soul suffers extreme anxiety and various necrotic traits (who in this world doesn't!) - one of my sons claims schizophrenia related although I tend to think it's something else but just as damaging - my sister anxiety issues and PTSD - another daughter of mine with un-diagnosed anxiety issues (although quite outgoing and upbeat) then there is me with a list that's included Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety (deemed extreme) ADHD - Bipolar Tendencies /Treated - (no longer deemed) Social Phobia with Mild Autism on the side for good measure. The latter an intriguing point of discussion that has revealed much about me before PTSD and also the extreme nature to which I can spin out and or just generally get lost in a wide variety of ways. My grandson bless him to bits is very special with Autism Lvl 2. It would not be right to leave my wife out of all this - of course she nearing 30 years on since meeting me - she have bouts of depression. Forgive the candor - my wife has also to deal with Primary progressive Multiple sclerosis which I know has played into her depression. Oh yea - one of my sons also DXed with Aspergers ... now thrown into the mix of ASD.

EDIT - NOTE* - NEARLY 30 YEARS TOGETHER WITH MY WIFE AND STILL IN TOUCH WITH ALL MY KIDS. Now that's an achievement despite our so called dysfunction. :) Yes it's not always been perfect relations - but this facet means a lot to me. I do acknowledge I have written about some hard core patchy times - but I have never given up on anyone in my family and I never will. That said - I think on attachments and how eventually I would do to let go. Yet anther topic.

NOW - that all said - I see the positive traits and strengths that far outweighs all those labels in each of my family. In fact I see most of the reason we have labels is because people in our society are no more than commodities than they are persons. A person more in terms of the spirit that lives within. That there be the essence of connection to which our so called collective community no longer relates too. People are either workers, contributors, creators OR they are either doll bludgers, saps or non creators. The latter being how pious new agers look down on those with lower frequencies. Discrimination and stigma knows no boundaries. lol. I have been around and travel to far yet still know nothing. I best pull up here.

This was good ... not sure what I achieved - but it does feel good. So much BS to let rip.

Oh the detox is going well by the way. I am allowing whatever part of myself to be inspired by my latest attempts. I'm still struggling in pain but like I said ... however I have accept that, that is my new theme. Other than the pain of my busted should and lower leg - my skin is no longer burning. Hooray!!! I am also able to breath through my nose a little more and less mouth breathing. Hooray!!! Not being sarcastic. Seriously those things have been a great relief to me. Also other than the fact I am late to bed tonight ... I when I do other than the waking up at 2am with cravings and empty feeling in my gut ... I have been getting qualtiy sleep when I sleep. Although still tired when I wake up ... I can feel each day I am waking up less tired than the day before.

I also had a good day with my support person (notice I said person and no worker) I don't gell with those who support me as a worker - it never works out when that concept focus takes rank. This I spoke about with my new paid friend to which really improved the quality of today's support. Just like my efforts in here - knowing what I want and setting goals is what I do with my NDIS supports - it's just that it can be difficulty making it REALLY about 'my' choice and control as that service be sold. BUT - I'm working it a little different this time around. No more community focus other than getting my food and ER visits like my fucked up shoulder. PWD advocate is on the ball re the recent way I was fondled. Good word for it I feel. Just a little stigma and discrimination re being handled like cattle. Already expelled that story.

What else ... I think that is it for now.

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz Way overtime but better than my 1am bouts and I will mostly sleep all the way through .. touch wood.

Gives self a smile without the need to extend hand or phone. This was a good write.

Night night.
http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

The world is confusing - go with your inner heart; not your compulsions. Whatever you do ... don't be a sheep.

[Ponder]

Hmmm - I attempt to throw my mind into a title that reflects my approach to the world of conspiracy theory before I forget. Whilst I now do my best to respect and be more mindful of individuals that use faith and religion to find their way, I know I am just as much a prisoner and myself a hypocrite as to that and those I resist. I've written many a story regarding the historical abuse at the hands of the church where that relates to myself and where the resulting expression in my tone would have me seen more shackled than a victim who had grown wings. For all my attempts to escape such a mentality I'll be honest and admit I am still trapped. I do believe I have woken up, but just not really gelling well with this concept of awakening as often sold within the so called new age community - as well as others new and old. That community is just as fractured as any to be found in our new age society. The latter reference more meaning all of us are we find ourselves on the rock this day and age.

After many years of searching I have come to see that waking up has nothing to do with accession. To me that is as futile as any system that seeks to attain, to acquire, to collect ... to build and endlessly produce with no end in sight. Yet in the minds of so many, the end, is all any of us think about. Part of me senses that the act of making one's self and others comfortable through obtaining, acquisition, collections and construction is not the fault. However the way/intention in which such dreams are held, has led me to see such creations as no more than representations of a vain world that has gone insane. It's plain to see with land grabs now under way and as visually seen from space. I need not go on. Point being that Einstein hit the mark re one of my favorite quotes - ‘I fear the day technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.’

He was frustrated too. Moreover and ironically much of what I have gleaned comes from a religiously inclined mentality that appears to focus on detaching from the rigors of mind itself; eastern philosophy. Although the concept of east and west today are not the same as they once were and to complicate things further the toxicity of one now plagues the other. But I would be very careful not to hold either one above the other. To me that is how you end up with the worshiping group mentality that leads so many into an unbalanced world of sheep. I think in terms of new age hippies, gurus as much as I think in terms of Christians, patriots, nationalists and so on. That being the toxicity that I now feel has merged east and west into a global mess. One need not travel to the other in order to find whatever and the stories that each takes from the other in order to create new groups and sell books further adds to that mix. So it is from that perspective which I have defined over the years - so it is that I know seek to climb out of that soup.
___________________________

The above would be my quick morning introduction into the process of how and when I gave up my religion and started opening up to conspiracy theories.

Something I once picked up on that gelled really well for me was one individual's take on the term - conspiracy theory. That being nothing more than a quest to expose the cons within one set of systems/beliefs and that the so called investigation be no more than a theory. I beleive he went on to explain how once many investigated concepts (anther word worth exploring) are accepted as truth ... they are to those individuals no longer theory. They become Truth. (another term often misunderstood) There is a lot more to that but I don't want to get lost from the point I am trying to make. It really does help to understand one's position when exploring or searching for answers with a level head - compared to a seemingly natural compulsion to react when hearing main stream media using buzz words that have been groomed. Groomed to have people not think but just react. The term 'conspiracy theory' is just one of millions of demonized words. Understand the process is where it's really at.

OK - time to move on with my morning. I just take note that it's with such scrutiny that I do not take on board everything I take in and am acutely aware of many sets of mentality that lead any group/movement into traps within concepts that sell themselves as the way to freedom. I would like to ponder more on that and how I too often get trapped in the realm of spiritual entertainment as well as how I can still learn from sitting on the fence ... which goes against against the grain of many established collective minds who would seek to push one way or the other. These days that pushing is done a lot more deceptively to get what they want.

Adios until next post. Have a good day/evening/night.

[Ponder]

I just wanted to let the user know who gave a thumbs down on my awesome video ... that no one can see your demeaning mark anymore. Happens a lot. I share something that means a lot to me, and then you get someone who thrives on giving you a dislike. The fact that we even has such a system is quite toxic and those that support it - I care even less for.

Have a nice day ... I know will. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kF6NoZSv2XI

[Ponder]

7PM & Knackered. It's working... ZZZZzzzzzzzzz Have been getting quality sleep minus the shoulder discomfort. All Good. :)

[Ponder]

How to avoid creating a pseudo identity through the use of Facebook and likewise Social Media platforms and avoid amplifying the human ego? Now where did I get that from? … Just my summery of words after watching the following link. Good ol Eckhart Tolle.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuo2VEJoDk4
Beware of the advert ‘How to radiant confidence’ ROFL – The Irony never ends.

I know that there are many people out there that would sell the idea that we should enhance our ego in order to become more confident and lift our vibration. Most of these conceptions/services guide people to seeking purpose and finding one’s self entirely based on external sources. This is nothing new. It has been going on for an eternity. Today it is more evident because of technological advances and increased population. Our world is now bursting at the seems when it comes to materialistic things. These things have become the primary ingredient for us to find our purpose and find our … perception of self. Is it any wonder so many of us feel so distorted?

How to get back into shape? How quick we are to run to the gym and again rely on external things. If not the gym then perhaps an online order of macro nutrients. Better yet, a prescription reliant on the pharmaceutical industry who have all our solutions conveniently encapsuled. If you think you have all the answers but want to make life easier why not a life coach? … and so it goes on and on. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz I have done them all over and over.

Immediately Pros & Cons go through the mind justifying the need for each. I get that – I too am victim to all these facets. If you’re not, then I would question why your reading this in a forum that sells itself as a home for the suffering. As is the print when Googling ‘Anxiety Forum UK a home for’

In the off chance that any of this may sound challenging, I remind anyone reading that my words are directed at myself and would ask that you don’t take them personally. These writings when at this level come from a place of struggle but poised as mindfully as best I can. I tell myself that my intention in being here is to find peace regardless of my showing off, of so-called things. I never really feel comfortable when it’s about the thing itself. I got excited about my scooter and took photos to show others. Kind of feels like when I have also taken images of food and uploaded those. I like to think of those things as no more than a precursor to launching me into a place where I need the momentum to take the next step. There is an aspect of motivational concept in that which has worked well in the past for me, however I am very aware of the traps … hence the acknowledgements I present in this post. If you watch the video Eckhart himself admits he does not understand such things. I get a little of where he is coming from as I am starting to grow weary of such actions myself. Is hard not to be conditioned.

I think this is why I now feel a yearning to return to taking photos of nature instead – but not as part as some competition or to show off. Just a record to how I am feeling and more a gauge of where I am at. So much conflict in all these services. Eckhart is surrounded by irony in how others show him off to which he also admits. I have struggled very much with the well intend and often inspiring/enlightening messages I have perceived from him, due to see the gloss and seemingly stereotyped audiences and the connections with people I find even more conflicting such a Orpah; a women who thrives on identity with an audience even more managed than main stream media. Sigh. I best stop as I don’t think I will make much sense to anyone else other than myself … although again … I like it more when I let lose and care less. "Dave ... – tell it like you don’t know it is. What’s next?"
______________________________________________

I really wanted to again focus back on the 'conspiracy theory' subject, but then atypically got side tracked with a link. Eckhart Tolle TV: What do you think about Facebook? The TV part triggered my aversion to the gloss surrounding Eckhart, but the tittle hooked me fair enough. Then I wanted to reason my own view and where I stand with how I groove.

Time for a walk.

[Ponder]

NOTE* It bears mentioning again - that I have an odd pattern of posting first then editing. It might be best for anyone reading me close to the time of my posting to re-read several minutes after as my words often change on the fly within that time. I may very well end up saying something entirely different. Not from my perspective, but I am sure it may appear that way from another. Why not just wait till I have nailed it? Hmmm ... It's just the way I am wired I guess and I am not trying to write for a column. Perhaps the rush to correct my work knowing it is live helps me at my level, to improve my readability. Something like that. At any rate I thought it worth noting.

Have a nice day/evening/night.

[Ponder]

The Highlight of My Day:
An access road that leads to a couple of large cellular towers. I generally walk off into the bush and then along a ridge where I once used to hang my hammock on a few overnight stays. Unfortunately a bike track has now been etched into it.

I really just want to follow no path and just savor the feeling of being lost without evening noticing. The only thing I might care to notice is the breeze.

https://i.ibb.co/kXrt0cM/Acess-Road.jpg

Still getting to know my new support person I decided to take my camera gear and go-pro camera with me for today's walk. I figured it might make for a good distraction, however it ended up being a little more of a chore than I thought. I forgot just how much I needed to be on my own when messing around with my camera gear. Multitasking is not something that I am very good at ... unless on my computer researching this or that. I think I might of talked his ear off today. lol. At any rate I'm uploading bits and pieces of our bush walk. I'll link it when it's done. It's not a nature video but more like a shared experience with me jabbering on all the way through it. Will be a while before that is available; 4K takes ages but does provide a much higher quality watch.

I'm still working on a write up re my take on Conspiracy Theories as I begin to tire of what's on offer and make my way back into the mindfulness camp where emptying the mind is where it's at.



Big Day ... Good Day/Evening/Night ...
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

... upload finished:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9nZCRN82UM

Back to bed. ;)

[Ponder]

Still doing well with eating - a struggle - but still doing well.

[Ponder]

LEST WE FORGET - Australian Soldiers Executing Prisoners and breaking the rules of engagement. Murder - just like in Vietnam - but much more recent. LEST WE FORGET - Sheepish gatherings where we have learnt nothing. This is why I never participate.

I remember how passionate I was at 17 to join the ranks. Because I have personally had to deal with such psychotics in law enforcement, this is why I completely disregard all forms of governments and hierarchical structures. Everyone in the chain from the top down to the groups of soldiers on the ground are responsible in my book. Their all participants in such violent acts. Much easier to blame the individual and list the labels and talk of so called professionalism. At any rate - there is such a thing as political murder hidden behind a veil of such pretentious etiquette. Interesting watch to say the least whatever your stance.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GPplTKCYpQ

The comments from the other soldiers are disgusting ... they think it's alright as long as you don't do it in front of an agency officer ... The insanity is systemic and runs through the entire chain.

EDIT - Full credit to the guy blowing the whistle.

[Ponder]

Back to my late nights and I ended up busting but all good. Is what it is and I'll be back on track soon enough. :) Man ... I could of let that last post slip but Narrr - it really is the culmination of all our FB opinions and all our egos combined; lock, stock and barrel. We might as well all be pulling the trigger as these trained psychopaths do. Lest we forget just clings to the ideals that's designed to keep us bound up justifying such acts. If you watched the doco ... you'll know all it takes to for a kill order is to simply to be deemed a threat. No Prisoners ... just execution on the spot. To lesser degrees it's not much different in our own comfort spaces with everyone self policing that other where that culture feeds of each other. Give us all guns and we would be capable of doing the same things. I try to consider it like the pain in my shoulder which drives me to making healthier choices because the alternative is just too much. I'll always cringe when I see 4 cars of police turn up for the most trivial of call outs. The old saying mud sticks. The nature of conditioning on such level is life long. Best I can do is avoid being in those situations. Thankfully those experiences are far and few between these days and I am a little wiser when it comes to being prodded.

How to handle the evil in those evil individuals and not reflect it back? Christ knows I am doing my best to work on that. Sigh - ZZZzzzzzz They say love and compassion. I can't deny the vibes in that. I'm trying to focus on such healing. Confusion reigns though. Fear is also constantly being spun into all the so called enlightening messages and or disclosures. Confusion and fear being the main stream weapons of choice. Self acceptance and total dis-identification seem to be back on the menu. If the answer is in a group mentality all holding hands - then I really am fucked. I mean given the isolation that reigns when it comes to most of us still finding our way; regardless how long one's friend's list may or may not be. Healthy genuine connections they say - yet such group mentality can easily be lead - lead up the garden path. Trust issues to be sure.

[Ponder]

If there is one thing I have come to learn, it's that self obsession, vanity, agenda, bias, deception, delusion, confusion and fear driven campaigns synergized with marketing fads are but just a few of the well designed road blocks that have divided so many of us; regardless of so many sensationalized and popularized groups. That's not to say that the focus of any one group is right or wrong. It's the process in which we get lost. As I do my best to stand back and check my rigid skepticism Vs contemplative objectiveness ... SIGH ... I do sense this world and current climate is reaching some kind of critical mass; but no more than a cycle that's probably been going to for an eternity. [← That possibility lessens the drama where I care less to hold my breath] The media amidst the latest epidemic of Covid19 is coming apart at the seems as more and more protests are breaking out across Australia which is worth noting as we are a country that's been tightly under wraps re censorship and suppressing cultural threats. Despite my own bias and all of the above listed fallibility, mental illness and labeling is a huge pacification industry that's working very well in this country. One of many mass control methodologies. In fact many elements of US politics are now consolidating their control methods based on how Australian authorities have been keeping its citizens hemmed in. It matters little the topics of so called cons being protested. What's more interesting is the media's response to a seemingly growing resistance in a country that's been so well deceived. It's good to see that side of things changing.

But I digress from the title albeit very relevant to how we have been effectively divided. I know that this is not the best place on the internet to connect with other like minds (re my disjointed/fragmented perspective) and thus much of what I am trying to say may very well be misunderstood. Difficulty in communicating being a key aspect where many of us are having difficulty making connections where for the best part within ourselves; imho as best than can be ... all most of us yearns for is to simply be loved. I really just struggled to end with that word - but I feel it's right on the mark ... as close as I will get to using the term 'true.' With division comes loneliness and that being the prime focus to any article on the web that speaks on topics of community disconnect.
__________________________________

How to see past all the disinformation/misinformation and like wise campaigning ... then there is the personal experiences of rejection and resulting distrust. These facets being so powerful to keeping many of us from rejoining. (ponders on re-join and why I just wrote it like that? ... I leave it as is) I know ... I just thought of the connections that mattered so much to me when in the past I was in this or that group when things being then was functioning. In that I see myself with the ability to reconnect with others I have never met, yet pick up were I left. YET - the impact of rejection, deception and all those bitter things are just so very powerful to keep us from connecting.

I can only fathom that for the hardest of us hit, that it can take a life time to find our way. I can only conclude at this point that for all the buzz on global oneness, that if we cannot find peace within ourselves, that seeking it in others is as much a trap as external things. This is my latest and greatest resistance - a battle with my-self. It's also a key point that's being flogged too hard and too fast within so many groups. This brings me to the latest drama ... one of the latest minorities yet still a growing movement;CE-5 - Close encounters of the 5th Kind. Steven Greer

This encompasses just about everything I have mentioned above. Although in different ways depending on your level of awareness re such terms and topics. Again ... wrong forum but still very interesting and relevant to my own psyche. So much so that you can find the first edition on Netflix called Unacknowledged. That said - that fact it's on Netflix does play into the same concept as spiritual entertainment but that's up to the individual and where they are or are not; as is like with everything. For me however, I am still very much on the fence as I am acutely aware of how groups opening up like so get swept away with the Hollywood stick that later plagues their movement. That said though ... I glean very much all the key points as being peddled in all facets of self professed positive intending groups. The thing that perplexes me with the ET genre (among others) or more so raises flags (so to speak - not a flag person) is the ever present worshiping mentality that comes into play among them all. I can't help but feel this is a negative trait that perhaps is been embedded deep within our being - both psychical and our psyche. The intention to start the group is good -but as you stand back and see the collective of individuals sitting pouring out their hearts and souls to whatever galactic beings in what I can only envisage as more a praise and worshiping session ... then ... well ... imo from my own experiences ... it comes off as much of the same thing our world has been doing which then gives rise to other concepts such as ET prison planet theory. More over if you have been observing/following these concepts and theories for about the last 15 years like myself - you get to see how one pioneer takes a common theme from the other, where that popularized vibe is reconstructed into a new creation of what it is that they want. I mean not to say that is right or wrong - true of false. It's just my own observations. Mulling over my own conflict of sorts. That said ... my writings like this is helping me to get a grip in a world so disconnected and fragmented.

I do feel like there is something of credence within each of these 'seemingly' far fetched groups ... I find they have much to offer and in fact I find it is our own hierarchical structures and all their puppets that have created the evil matrix that that so many of us have come to know. The irony is that as well meaning as these newly established groups may be, that they are simply bowing down and worshiping outside forces who may very well be responsible for the way this world currently be. I grimace to I think of Alan Watts and his definition of infinite re the snake eating its tail.

It's looking much easier to go within with the likes of Eckhart Tolle & Jon Kabat-Zinn. Although there is no such thing as easy - not a world as ours currently is. Now I smile instead of grimace. There really is something more genuine and tangible about going within Vs out. I really feel that the protocols adopted by many looking to go outside the body, lose it with misguided intentions albeit well meaning. I like very much the adoption of mindfulness as much as I find that to be about emptying the mind with no desire for anything else. But that's just where I am at. I find it hard to fathom that it is my ego that resists this so called one world call out for the 1% to connect. The irony for me is that I am sensing more and more groups looking to adopt that as their latest popular theme. They will keep taking the latest train of thought from the other whereby no matter how enlightening and innocent that intention seem, it all to often becomes tainted within the development of yet more books and services that is in the end typically dictated by ego. I'm struggling right now with me own.

Beware of holding hands to cross that river ... to many people are capable of letting go and leaders of leading astray. First find yourself ... go within ... then find a good rope. Not to hang yourself with - but to pass back back to the next person once you have made it across on your own. Let that be your oneness with society and leave it at that. We live in a world of too much entertainment and romance when it comes to the group mentality. Herds of people are easy to exploit and control. Perhaps the concept of living is entirely the opposite to this latest craze of one world unity, that in fact to break from the heard and find oneself is more the point to this existence? Then maybe ... just maybe then - after we accomplish that, than only then we will be beamed out of this nightmarish existence.

Time to get lost in my PC with my games and find that beam ... where life is just as fragmented!

Over and out.

[Ponder]

Anyone that knows me well, will know that I am not into thriving and striving. I'm not into any of the New Age obtaining, or any professed SECRET philosophies based on the acquisition of Everything - such as Abundance and Wealth. Much of these also to be found in main stream self help books. So whilst I sense an element or more so residual effect of salesmanship with respect to the profiling of presenter at the follow link - I will say I have personally found a LOT of nuggets of insights that I have not seen for quite some time. Hmmm ... well I have seen it, but this guys delivery rings much better for me and the timing with things being the way they are could not be better. That said, I still find many others in the spiritual community pushing too hard with over anticipation like runners breaking out of the blocks only to have to start all over again because of a false start.

If your only interested in recovery which is not really my cup of tea ... this guy also has pods casts dedicated to just that. The iron is he has a disclaimer that those regarded as unstable best not dive into his stuff as it's rather quite challenging. I chuckle because I am also not a fan of such disclaimers. I find the more fragmented an individual, the more I say they would do well to dive right on in. Sometimes I think such disclaimers are just more a pepper (or even a ploy of sorts) that actually does more to intrigue viewers designed to have them open the door. At any rate I have covered some of the false flags as I see them to be. I can't help but add this link to my collection of thoughts as I make my way through today's maze as it will no doubt come in handy as I often find myself coming back to look over my posts for handy links I often forget.

High Performance Consciousness (https://mas-sajady.com/blog/high-council-on-high-performance-consciousness)

I got to go ... as always when I get to good bits like this ... :) ... I would just say I very much have to put aside my own prejudices, concerns and even fears when I listen so that I am more objective than I am cynical and overly skeptical - that is to say be more reserved than feed my doubts. The latter can be a rabbit whole in itself. To summarize - I find the same old rehashed new age marketing ploys yet (which could just as easily be a couple of thorns I need work on - yet I feel my concern re marketing traps are a genuine hang up for many who are not seeking to become more than what they already are. Yadda yadda) This stuff is well worth a listen in my book. Especially if you have been sitting on the fence for as long as I have been.

Have a good day/evening.

[Ponder]

Don't Take My Word For it: Bankers, Doctors, Lawyers & Scientists Protesting in Denmark.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtTNJH8JeI0

[Ponder]

All good. I have had a couple of hard days where my brain feels like is slowly calcifying and a vice pressing in. My operation date to repair my shoulder has been set for the 16th of next month. Somewhat nervous but thankful and optimistic that in another 6 months I can start lifting more then 5kg without too much pain. The stress I've been under is both the pain of shoulder and resulting low vibes over time. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Have been trying to think of new things I can do to take my mind of things. Best not to think too much.

[Ponder]

If your comfortable in the deception of this world then you won't want to watch this. This video puts to bed the conspiracy of 9/11 by proving just how the puppet masters faked the planes that crashed on that fakeful day. I've seen many documentaries challenging 9/11 on how the physics did not add up regarding the building collapsing; this twenty minute video puts all those to rest:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXU2sHmN8SY&list=PLT5UpH1_0U_UDy-b0WHL304gxyDrTMut2

I found this whilst googling the term 'holographic deception' after going back over some other theories that a far more reaching than 9/11. The fact that what we might of considered far reaching less than ten years ago now suddenly becoming a reality, certainly makes one question the validity of what we are being told today. It makes total sense that military technology is at least fifty years ahead to that of civilian corporations. That fact has been well known for some time and as each year passes this day and age you can be sure another ten gets added on when factoring in the perpetual rate of technology growth.

There is a reason we have been held back for so long but that's another story. I just figured I would share this video because it's one of the best I have seen regarding the deception of 9/11. If a country can do this to themselves, then they can just as easily create a virus and blame someone else. They can also blow it out of proportion and use whatever epidemic as a means to prepare for something else. Need I say more.

It's looking clearer that this world is in fact under a spell. If you can't fathom that, then perhaps you might understand the concept of an agenda. Something the political structure uses to define their own goals. Don't think for a moment that this spell has nothing to do with leaving larger and ever growing groups of individuals disenchanted, alone, vulnerable and isolated. That facet of society has often been refereed to as a world wide epidemic way before Covid19. Understanding how the mass control methods work can help one feel a little better rather than solely blaming self.

Yawns ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Night night ...http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

I'm not quite sure, but I think I might of found a new hobby I can sink my teeth into. I've messed around with a few YouTube Vlogs, but never really been able to get right into it. That said, the experience from having a go might of paid off as I put some of those skills together today coming up with the idea of just reading online articles and sharing my thoughts on them. I'm doing it with the same take I do in here as in not really worried you thinks what about it. I'm more interested in learning to read more effectively and do it on my mic where I can then listen to myself later and reflect on what it is that I am learning from the experience. Choosing topics that interest me seems to really help.

The take home here is not so much the topic itself - but more so making the effort to do things I like doing. It's really hard for me to stay focused as I lose track very easily ... which is why I feel I have not done so well with my Vlogs. Reading the articles in the way I do, allows me to learn as I go along (questioning as I do) without derailing (too much) as I can just go straight back to the article when I feel I am getting lost. The only way I know this will be a success is if I am able to keep adding with my vids to the list. Given the topic I am getting into is quite huge - I suspect I will be at it for a while. Finding a format was the hardest part. I think I might of found a style that works. This all started a couple of days ago after I decided I wanted to get back into Audio Book Narration. I tried my hand at it with Librivox which deals with very old content that is no longer copyrighted. Other than the fact that I felt I was just not good enough, I struggled to find content to hold my attention. That said, my efforts again seem to of paid off as I sense what I learned back then is coming back to pay dividends.

I threw a green screen together with some cheap cloth from a local material shop - messed about with some overlays ... and Bob's your uncle ... I came up with the following:

Like most things I do ... not sure how long I will keep it up. For now though I can say am happy to of found something I am having fun doing.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpQQv9QEzls

[Ponder]

Another quiet day where I aim for a little more productivity with some gaming on the side. Maybe a walk and visit a friend to keep myself grounded. Checking myself on diet to counter some of the creeping side effects of all the comforts over the last four to five days. That's pretty much it. I felt pretty good with the last 10 day bout of clean eating - I think with my latest aspirations I would do well to take on another bout of clean eating.

[Ponder]

Moving on ... found time to pump out another one. It kind of just evolved as it went along. I think I am finally ready to move on from the prison planet drama and find myself a break in the cage. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kd3ivAV_GYE&feature=youtu.be

[Ponder]

Perhaps the next project with regards to audio narration and sticking with the text - would be the following.

1st ... a cool video that extracts some enlightening quotes from the book itself:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlCktp84ZqU

A link to the full book narrated by text to speech. I have link it previously some time ago:
Within You Is the Power (1920) Henry Thomas Hamblin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbjyEEGUSCQ)

It's hopeful ... I think it's time I stopped being scared of that.

[Ponder]

Smiles - Have a nice day. :)

[Ponder]

Back into practicing audio narration and planing to build my own sound booth. It's a huge project. I'll be happy with myself if I continue to keep practicing whilst making plans for this future build. Working on confidence ... it's slowly coming together.

[Ponder]

From the Lord of Karma to this:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oYZmoARQRE

I have a long ways to go ... but I think it's a good base to work from. Considering I am recording this in a Huge Tin Shed to which I have been ordered to work in - LOL - I think the quality of recording is fair enough. I do need a better mic as the one I got is quite old now and not the best for this kind of narration. I am using blankets, carpet under felt and whatever linen I can find to throw over the frame of a large plant stand. Going to such lengths helped to dampen the reverb in the shed, lest I sound like I was in the toilet when making this.

Sigh ... latish night but I'll be in bed before 1am so that's a +

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

I opened up a sound cloud account where I can track and link my journey with audio book narration. I made a slight improvement on my last effort and now feel I can move onto chapter 1.

https://i.ibb.co/xGBMbZ2/SC.jpg (https://soundcloud.com/david-kynaston-1/within-you-is-the-power-henrythomashamblin-preface)

Tomorrow I have a pre op appointment as I draw closer to the much needed operation for my disjointed and torn shoulder. oww ... I'm just not getting used to it at all.

The book I am narrating is quite pertinent to my life right about now. After reading that preface so many times, the beginning of chapter one started sinking in much quicker than what the preface took. I think this is going to be a good read for me. It will also be the highlight of the decade if I manage to not only finish reading the entire book but to of narrated it like so will be absolutely amazing for a guy like me. I'm keen to do it.

I really hope I can get back into creating my own stuff. I'm virtually in that process right now. Can you hear your own voice or too busy living life to the tune of others? Seems like a fair question for our day and age. It relay is hard to keep up. I guess that is why so many people are stuck in the past. Let's not forget about pining over what has not transpired yet.

Speaking of which is SpaceX's 1s human flight tomorrow morning 6.33am Eastern Australian Standard Time. I could care less about the red, white and blue associated with that launch, but have high hopes for Elon's plans re the moon and mars. Personally I am still holding out the China will surprise everyone by announcing that it's had a base on the dark side of the moon for the last 40 years ... lol hehehe. That would be so cool to see such a revelation take place. It won't be long before you hear about Elons huge ass star-ship rocket completing it's jump test. That's a much much bigger rocket than the one launching tomorrow. I can't wait for that one. Have been watching the updates on that for quite some time now.

Not sure what the quality of this live broadcast will be like ... but it's a start.
This launch in terms of Space X's first human flight is said to be one for the history books.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn3Kax3mExc

What else has been happening ... That's pretty much it. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Peace Out ...

[Ponder]

EDIT - LAUNCH ABORTED :(

NOT LONG NOW!!! - This being a better feed with less banter over the mission control dialogue. Sadly I think it's about to be mission abort due to the whether. :(


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aymrnzianf0

Better luck on Saturday ... 3:22 EST

I beleive that will be Saturday 5:22am Eastern Australian Standard Time.

[Ponder]

... Correction .. that is Sunday 5:22am.
ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Not bad for YouTube - Quality Documentary on the Sun. With some luck it might wipe us out sooner than later.

But not so quick, first I would like to see a landing on Mars. Then YEA; the sun can bring it on then.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVNRChcQJaE&t=404s

Edit - Some of the best images I have seen to date. Understanding the scale makes it all the more AWESOME. Sadly human brains are being sapped faster than ever before. Lucky I have a tin foil hat. ;)

[Ponder]

Maybe this time around. - Looking Good!
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMsvr55cTZ0)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMsvr55cTZ0

Hopefully not like SN4 /Starship which blew up. here (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86vSu77lSxU)... but they have more of them lined up.

[Ponder]

SpaceX's First Maned Flight - I recorded it for anyone that is interested and might of missed. That said, I don't know if it will be pulled, given the level of copyright world in which we now live. TOP SPEED 27000 kilometres per hour!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkJ1qwJpnlI&feature=youtu.be

I know will not be as excited as the other, but for me, this was like cost to what the 1969 Saturn 5 launch would of been like. Perhaps not quite, but near enough. The Praise America not my thing - but none the less, I salute Elon's efforts here in respect to his mediarized vision. Speaking of which, I still have doubts about the moon footage that was used back in 69. Not saying they did not land on the moon, but that 69 footage used for the masses has been 100% picked to pieces just as 9/11 has been today and pretty much proven to of been shot in a studio. It will be interesting to see how they record their efforts in 2024-26.

Love the near booster bullseye landing as imaged in this shot: Unfortunately no footage presently at this time of it actually landing ... but as you can see, it's images as did.
https://youtu.be/pkJ1qwJpnlI?t=708

[Ponder]

Other than just posting the vids with the latest goings on with renewed interest in space exploration - I have been fairly quite re posting on my journal side of things as I have also continued pursuing my Audio Book Narration Quest. Just waiting for some copyright issues to be sorted out with that.

On other fronts I am taking my time with my next video:

COMING SOON!
https://i.ibb.co/JFVpCr7/Blog-Post-Version-d-AVES-SCOOTER-logs.jpg


I've also had to deal with a bit of resistance:

https://i.ibb.co/PggXvZ8/Reaction-1.jpg

Long story short, I made a big deal repeatedly hitting the crossing activator button, purely as a reaction to their own defiance as they Jay Walked with somewhat pride ... until I suddenly happened along returning their challenging looks and flogging the button as they approached. If you check out the video when it's done. I think I was more set off with the looks I was sensing at they approached. Across the road is a police station which just made me think Why The Fuck do I even bother trying to follow the rules when you get people so many who don't give a *&^%. Anyways as you can clearly see, the younger fellow dips his head back down like he was previously getting about; before looking at me.

It's really not all that bad - it is what is it. I did give the guy a nod AFTER having given in to my own ego trip with the button ... to which he autonomously returned the gesture - BUT - I know that look well. It's a lot more controlled than the young fellows was; however I did find his parting expression somewhat somewhat coy - but that's OK. The whole incident reminded me well of something I can't put into words. Reflecting back on this and having already sensed the sad state of affairs re the younger fellow and then the anomaly after adding filters to this pic [The colors blending from the older guys shoulder over the younger one] Made me think of my own heat aches of navigating this BS world and how fractures my own children are.

Anyways - I still don't have time for so many people not being considerate and respecting the rules when it comes to shared space on the sidewalks. All I can say to that is where once my little bike bell was ignored by half the people I encountered ... when I do choose to use my new air horn - not one person has thus far resisted. Touch Wood. I take my camera out with me all the time on my scooter now. Whilst you will always get psychos who don't care, it does seem to keep people in check ... myself included. Smiling also seem to defuse a lot of tension. That's what I try to focus on most, although hard when feeling exasuted - (bit like that young bloke ... I don't blame either of them on that side of things ... the world truly is going to shit and I know it does not help me saying it. SO - I once again focus on the best that I can. Hence my chosen cover picture for my next vid when I get time to finish that.

I could turn my horn down - but the one or two quick burst work so well, and there are just so many people out there that need educating. I think I leave it as is for now ... at least till I either get clothes hanged or arrested. LOL ... No where are bad as others on Youtube. In fact - I'be been getting some pretty good attention because I also know how to play the clown. That said - I'm still struggling with Jekyll and Hyde.

Night Night ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Having serious thoughts about what I am doing here yet again. Happens from time to time.

[Ponder]

This is why I am thinking that way ... The better part of me thinks he has a point somewhere in this video:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRDPyxN0miE

I do hope you guys are doing well ... It sucks to be lonely. I think of my daughter tonight whom I know is not doing so well.

[Ponder]

Another VERY later night ... 2am now ... BUT - I had fun making up a Two Part Scooter Log Video ... Here is Part One:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEcCV4r46mc&fbclid=IwAR0Y2iQ2YYz_WMTw0EKCq d52Kgj7qfRPtvNogzluhJBSVvP2HdvSsnkkgsU

[Ponder]

OK - I best sneak to bed as if my wife catches me when she is taking a piss ... God *&^ing help me. PART 2 out of the way ... now I can focus on the book narration. Night Night.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ih0GP70W9e8

[Ponder]

This counts as today's Post: *Note - probably have you use headphones as my audio is not the best in this - Alternatively use the captions options ... although my speech might not be the best for accuracy. The captions are quite funny to say the least ... when it does pick me up.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hwy-P1SDaDw

Have a good day peeps.

[Ponder]

Went up to the park with my grandson were we kicked the ball together. It was a nice chilly and windy late afternoon. The fresh air was quite invigorating. I think we will do that again tomorrow.

[Ponder]

Your Higher Self~ Spirit Explains What that Means & Soul vs Spirit:

An interesting perspective:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUv5F2W2OLw

My response:

ThThank You ... I found this very helpful. Makes me want to quiet the mind so I can talk with my real self. : ) - Not sure i appreciate that cycling process though. That I question, like I do when others reason a need for hell and heaven. Not saying it does not exist, more so ... question the need for such suffering. In that light, I tend to see validation for prison planet theory and false lights unwittingly spreading and imprinting programs designed to keep us trapped. Another way to say it, is that I question the Cost of such knowledge and therefor care less for it like I do the reeducation centers we put people into that are not living according to the greater will. I don't require those I love to go through hell in order to gain more knowledge so that I and all my friends can grow. That's not love, that's entirely something else. None the less - I gleaned from this. Thank You.

[Ponder]

May you overcome your identity/complex with the masculine and feminine. It is strong within you and those that feed of you. The more you wrestle, the more it grows inside you. Continue to draw from the tunes of others who they themselves adopt old complexes and creating new ones in you. Until you yourself can silence the narrative the wells within, you will continue to express pain and suffering as clearly as you do.

Best leave negative complexes to feed off each other as they have done and will continue to do. They will continue to repeat the same old tune and hate as they do.

[Ponder]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EKuqqX6qKA

There we go ... much better.

[Ponder]

https://i.ibb.co/G07n5L7/1486315602-giphy.gif

[Ponder]

Got be honest though ... that ten minute info session redone by another individual leaves out any point that offers a solution at the end ... leaving me in the usual state of feeling rather hollow in this proposed hologram. Hmmmm - Stay out of the realm of others and they no longer exist .. although depends on how you attach to the trauma we are well so known to inflict. In that case you carry with you the negative aspects of that last visit. Perhaps the reverse being more the key, detaching from said events that led to whatever in order to enjoy that static that comes from no more connections. Like flicking the switch off resulting in the above animation which feels might fine to me. In fact here is a link to some sound to go with it for an assist:

BEST USED WITH HEADPHONES http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4mHPeMGTJM&t=79s

[Ponder]

I could care less about the title because it's never as easy as just listening to something - BUT - as someone desensitized beyond staring at a Netflix screen for several hours wondering WTF there is to watch; the sounds on this one will do the trick for tonight:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1F9MiPr2Vs

Got through my pre opp appointment pretty good today. Only 8 days to go ... BUT stupid me fell of my damn scooter again. I landed on the same shoulder but slammed the side of my head pretty hard into the ground. Thankfully I had a helmet on and it worked pretty good. A+++++ Also again in full view of spectators. No more damage to my ligament as it's already torn, but I did pull my chest muscle and it *&^%ing hurts when I cough or try to move around. I can't be *&^%ed seeing a doctor about it so close to the operation coming up. To be honest it's not that long ago I posted how I fell once more after busting the shoulder where I badly pulled my calf muscle which took more than 8 days to heal. As long as I don't have any cuts or rashes on the day of opp ... I will good to go under.

I was not going to post about it ... but figured I need to ponder on the deeper stuff that's just been welling for some time now. It's not all bad. This time my wife seemed OK about it as all three of us were out as a family among others in the community. Out in a park. Ironically I was teaching the little guy how to ride safely. Long story short there were a lot of A-holes out and about with total disregard for other families and their kids. I'm glad my wife could see it as well. Normally she is put off with my lack of tolerance with the way so many disrespect, but not today. It nice to see my wife finally starting to shy away from public events. I have convinced her to try out some secluded spots where the three of us can do the same things, but without others in the way.

I don't know what else to say. I'll just grab a cold pack from the freezer, another pill I often say I don't take and kick back with more of these tunes. The next few weeks I will be on pain meds quite a bit - but that's all good. These are not the kind of pills I refer to when saying I don't like to take meds. Having mentioned just that, the senior nurse looked quite shocked after reading my diagnoses and reports to discover I don't take meds. I had to list several copping strategies and list my supports in order to convince her that I was at least appeared to be OK. The symptoms of my insanity are not so bad in comparison tot he listed side effects I went on about ... and it was when I went down that tact that she seemed to let up with her own resistance with the other nurse listening on with great intrigue. Fact is ... the anesthetist told me he calls all the meds poison and prefers not to have people on the long term. Then we spoke about how much pain meds I was going to need. It was a good discussion. I don't mind that guy. The nurses were OK to. Basically I told them any issues that arise will all be me and that I would be happy to remove myself from the building if I find myself unable to cope with whatever. They seemed genuine in wanting to help me avoid any unnecessary triggers so that I may heal as best I can over the few days following the ligament replacement.
____________________

BUT ... today's fall ... it's just never going to end is best I can gather from that. Submit is the beckoning I hear coming from above. I did make my wife smile though when I crawled back onto my feet and told her my shoulder was now feeling much better. Today she told me here tinnitus is troubling her. Hers is more a lower frequency than mine,so I shared the above link which she gave a thumbs up for. Hopefully we can go out to this secluded spot sooner than later and find a few more away from people in general. We are planning a star gazing night out of town in about 3 weeks time ... but my shoulder recovery might put that on hold I thinks. That said, we are look at getting a telescope for the little guy that we can all enjoy using. It's an old past time of mine. I used to sketch what was in the eye piece. Many of those nights has a spiritual like feel to them when I was not freezing my ass off. (relatively speaking of course)

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz Best go grab that ice pack and heal as best I can over the next 8 days. I figure I am going to be hurting like hell in the morning and for the next 4. I try not to laugh when the doctor asks me why I might be struggling so hard to hop up on the opp table when I do. I have no *&^%ing idea what I am going to tell him. "That damn scooter again ..." I guess will do. I was in fact back on it after my fall today as the sun was calling me to that pond spot I often go. Late afternoon sun in winter feels might fine this time of year. The slightly still water was also good.

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz Night night .... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

I swear that scooter is trying to tell my something about life.

[Ponder]

*&^%ing sore as - BUT, feeling quite spirited all things considered. I can breathe much easier today without the having to take shallow breaths. The scuff marks on my helmets rubbed out reasonably well. Time to shake myself off and gently move on with the rest of the week. The sun it looking mighty fine. I love the combo of cold weather and a little warm sun.

[Ponder]

The day did not unfold as pleasantly as I previously posted. Ate shit food which instantly made me feel like shit. Why do I keep doing it?

[Ponder]

Not so spirited today as last night I strugled to sleep with my newly aquired injury. I'm also not sure whether to bring it up with the doctor as doing so might see my up comming oppetation cancled.

I woke up in a painful knot with my right pectorial still protesting at my stupidity with repeatded scooter accidents and my right kidney area in as much pain because of the weird positions I was forced to sleep in.

Zzzzzzzzz. I best continue with Cold Pack today. I give it a couple more days before seeing GP.

[Ponder]

I'm going to use my awesome powers to heal myself today. I went to the GP yesterday and got the all clear to proceed as planned with the operation. Basically It appears I just have a very painful busing of the pectoral muscle that whilst will most likely will still be sore, it should no impeded on the surgery. That said, I woke up with a sore throat and swollen glands around 3 am this morning and now starting to feel a little sweaty. The trouble with clearing my throat and sinus is the pain it causes to my chest. That is concerning. I am now gargling warm salty water and willing myself not to get sick as I seem to be on the cusp due to the last few days of extreme pain and lack of sleep.

OK - touch wood with all that. I can't beleive how slow things are going with my Book Narration and already I have felt like giving up. That said - I am pleased I have stuck with it although still stuck on chapter one. It's more the compulsion to get everything word, grammar, sound and editing right before I move on and read the next. I underestimated many aspects of this hobby - BUT ... I have literally turn half my room into a make shift recording booth and am to deeply entrenched to quit now. Continually going over the same chapter whilst becoming neurotic - is helping me to learn many of the editing techniques needed to complete set tasks. I am also waiting on a new microphone setup which will at any rate mean I should be re=recording the Preface and any completed chapters. Therefore it's all really just practice for now. I should also accept that my first attempt at book narration will be somewhat gimmicky as any of my previously uploaded attempts. It's been a good experience though. Whilst I don't chime with everything in the book I am reading, I am still learning much from it: http://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/7224/pg7224-images.html

On with my day.

[Ponder]

FEAR I'm sorry I was at that time unable to reply in kind. I hope the following helps. I appoligise now because I know of no concise way to answer such questions or console ... I am just going to write as is because I too am hurting as well. Just know it's OK to be in Pain ... it's more about the way in which we suffer it I guess.
___________________________________

I too, am scared a LOT of the time. I'm always dealing with a LOT of different emotions that can be overwhelming, confusing with the potential to manifest into real pain and suffering. I say 'real' pain, because whilst our thoughts are typically based on events not in the moment; such is the power of negative dwelling that what we choose to focus on all too often becomes our reality. For me it's been quite disabling.

This state of mind keeps us from living ... or living in a life that wishes it was not living. How can we overcome this terrible state of being?

'The Power Within' is a term I am sure many of us have heard? I don't think many of us really understand what this power is, or, in what form does it reside and from where does it spawn? I sense the over selling of how liberating our inner power be, has also lead many of us to underestimating just how disabling this power can also be.

Enter: THOUGHT FORMS ... to borrow a phrase from Eckhart Tolle. The book I am reading at the moment proposes that thought be a spiritual power. I think when Echkart talks in terms of thought forms, that he is referring more to illusion Vs The Now - Yet, both can be the same. It's a paradox of sorts I guess. There are many terms that can make all this confusing. I struggle with it often myself - but like to think I have something to offer. SO LETS put all that mumbo jumbo to the side - at least for now.
_____________________________________

Let me try again:

Negative and Positive. I am sure you will understand that.
FEELINGS - States of Being -

Addiction = Attachment ... scared to let go of feeling our familiar states of being (bother negative and positive)

For me this is easy to understand - yet the knowledge means little given the power of thought itself. But once you understand it is easier to find moments of peace, to find your higher self which you know you can trust. This is what I would ask you to consider; forget all the bits and pieces running through your head ... forget the story that is telling you that you or someone you love is not good enough. That you won't acquire this or that, that you might lose this or that, that your not pretty enough, strong enough, popular enough, or don't have enough or whatever or any of all that BS we are fed every day's of our lives ...

QUESTION how it is that we are taught to live, how is it that this way of being is toxic to our state of being. Note the addictions we have to being more than we already are. Note the effort in our society to make as dependent on anything and everything that is separate to our self.
________________________________

Let me go back to Echkart Tolle - A with Thought Forms ... his number one solution to breaking away from the addiction of thought is to go inside your body. He will often refer to the hand. "...experience the electric current/life flowing within your hand ..." "...disconnect from your thoughts whilst in the process of now focusing on just your hand in that moment dedicating your being for just that second on your hand ... nothing else matters but that feeling of your hand simply being connected to your arm and so on so forth ... to go within your body and feel nothing else but the life force of your own experience in that moment and so on. NO MORE THOUGHTS ...

Sorry to get carried away with that ... it feels good I guess. The context in which I bring it up with above paragraph to the one above that ... is that by understanding how it is that everything in our system, all the powers that be, everything that is meant to be something or worth in our society today → teaches us that we are worth nothing on our own. Once you truly understand how it is that we are taught NOT to beleive in ourselves and why we are being enslaved in fear ... WELL ... the answer it because it is known that once we come to understand that indeed we have the power within that we will no longer feel the need to reflect back the fear our society needs in order continue thriving as it does.
__________________________________

I AM TIRED ... this is ok too. People are just not connecting where it counts. They say one thing but do another. They speak the answers like I try to do now ... yet everyday I repeat the same mistakes. Literally ... falling off my scooter 3 times now. Breaking myself without yet having been repaired. Is all good. Some would say crazy ... I do not. I just think it will take my 3 times where for someone else it might only take one.

I don't mean to talk in riddles. People look at me and completely miss read me. Mostly because of the way in which we keep records to account for the beings we be. The world in which we live could not be more upside down. All the protesting at the moment is just feeding all the little groups and further dividing and creating more. Whilst people profess this of that answer, they project more of the very hate to which they protest. Happens in here all the time and happens out there all the time.

WHAT IS HAPPENING WITHIN? Now that is something no one in here or on the TV can tell us.
I best hit enter before I run out of characters and then ponder some more.

I hope your doing OK ... sorry I may seemingly not be helping ...

[Ponder]

Codependency is an issue that all of us suffer regarding our relationship with society and the world in which we live; no matter how different those worlds appear to be. Most of the behavioral conditions being prescribed for in this day of epidemics - prior to CV19 - are in fact conditions that are rife deep within the control systems employed to buffer the hustle and bustle.

Shame and Blame - Passing the buck onto the individual and keeping them separate whist at the same time enforcing that they must be part of the whole. (Double Bind - re Alan Watts) Whilst many looking for breathing space yearn to be far from the whole. As toxic at that whole be within the soup of which I speak.

I see as much irony in the book I am reading now as it uses terms like 'condemn' and other projections of THIS BEING THE ONLY WAY ... where it too sells on the notion that we must all be one. Yadda yadda. In spiritual terms they refer to the Great Divine Power of GOD - (Universal, Omnipresent Spirit) which is all well and good - but something I do not buy into on the level of doctrine or when belittling others that are not prospering in whatever terms. It's like blaming all the turtles that could not make it back to shore for not having tried hard enough and that they somehow deserve the suffering that they experienced during death. I can't quite put my finder on it - but there is something amiss and tainted when I read that book. When the author refers to the condemnation of looking for answers outside his own professed way ... that when I read his own book, I feel as though I am seeking power in just yet another cult book. Is all good though ... as I do my best to further distance myself and keep reading the text ... more things do stick out and take on another meaning where it's not as I once thought it be. In other words, there is some fruit to be had whilst I can clearly see that the authors worlds was and is just as twisted as ours be. In that light ... I am enjoying the read despite the harshness I sense from time to time. In fact ... I know my own bias/prejudice gets in the way and again ... where I am able to account for the cruelty of this existence, I seem to be getting something or worth that helps be connect with my higher self.
___________________________

Please excuse typos here ... I took an extra pain killer tonight. Now I reach a little deeper as I have been struggling somewhat with this book. I want to understand it much more so I can narrate it more effectively.

I have been wanting to pray of late.
This is a tricky one. Especially coming from someone that has experienced life as me. Smiles. My wife truly thinks I have flipped. Ouch ... hurts to laugh. Damn Chest. She hears me in my new make shift studio reciting the lines from this book like a preacher from the pulpit. I love my wife very much and mean not to demean her when I say she has a tendency to hold grudges. Whilst I have turned my back on religion, I am not closed to the teaching and able to see beyond the everyday terms. (that has taken quite a bit of work on my part) BUT my wife despises very much the church on all counts ... anything to do with religion. I get it. I truly do. BUT for me - whilst often claimed to be needy ... I don't have an issue with the concept of forgiving - although I think is best viewed as another terms without all the worshiping mentality nor wrong and write. To be sure my wife offers me a lot of grounding when it comes to the cons of being so open the way I tend to be which leads me to being exploited ... BUT then comes that but again. where was I .. Oh yea ... no being found in my room (separate to my wife's) where I am now speaking out loudly that text on all things spiritually inclined and aligned with religious text. However, the author is a mystic ... not a Christian as I understand it. Alas, I don't think my wife is grasping that. I have tried to explain. The church did treat us badly so I understand.
_____________________

SO WHAT'S WITH THIS TENDENCY OF LATE OF WISHING TO PRAY. It's more about me contemplating how to pray to myself/my higher self and how that might yield the once power I used to feel when I was devout in my passion to pray to God and or Jesus ... take your pick. Despite having had the rug well and truly revealed in terms of ... well ... I mean not to disrespect and pretty much now fail to find those words ... ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The point is ... that power I once knew need not of vanished just because I have come to see things differently. I beleive it is still there despite my separation. I am sensing that the very same power can be tapped back into. It has nothing to do with the new age or any of the professed spiritual books that claim I need to integrate into some whole ... that just does not work for me. BUT I do like to think there is a connection with self beyond the limited perspective of this broken soul ...

I leave it at that for now. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

Nigh night ...

[Ponder]

Exposing the Method in which Authorities Manipulate, those Beneath Them: The first point of call is to understand that those creating the rules do so within a Hierarchy System. More to the point that in such a pyramid system; there is no such thing as equals. I am seeing this more clearly within this metaphysical book I am now reading, It is the first book of a series that was first written some 100 years ago. Whilst it seeks to introduce the concept of bringing the inner power of mind and spirit into harmony with Universal Law, it consistently harps on with ideals such as success, achievements, whilst demeaning those who fall short of these would be goals. For those who do not have great success and achievement, they are said to be mere individuals that lack belief. The measure of success and achievement is consistently based on power and strength, where those who are weak and feeble are consonantly sidelined with blame and shame for their non belief.

The book is an interesting web and whilst I have barely scratched the surface, I can't help but find an array of today's self help, motivational philosophies and new age conceptual babbling ← →this coming from a babbler himself. I know. Whilst the book exposes such fallibility, the one thing that really sticks out for me, is this constant blaming and shaming that those suffering do so because they lack belief. Now whilst I am coming to understand the power of such a thing, something still smells ... perhaps a irony in 'complacency' ← to which this books harps on about ... being an element of 'KNOW THY PLACE.' Yes ... I think that seems to fit the bill. That there the irony to complacency. A hard line approach that justifies a Spiritual Hierarchy (although this need not be the case)

In a Hierarchy/Pyramid System where there are always others standing on the backs of others ... it seems to me this philosophy of justifying suffering is quite 'convenient' for those who do so from a position of Acquisition. On one hand the Spiritual Hierarchy denotes the material world as fallible, yet the concept sold strives very hard to teach us that we must attain great success and prosperity in our life's position. That our purpose in life is to suffer like so, that we can become strong in order to conquer all of the above - where those individuals that tire and do not attain or rise above are dismissed as merely weak and feeble through there own disbelief. (You did not beleive in me - they can say me when they teach that we are all the same - such equates to blame and shame.)
__________________________________________________ _______

Whilst there is merit to the philosophy of 'self belief', the way in which the chaff is being strung and the ideals being sold ... well ... it all comes off as supporting a system of inequality that seeks to not only justify suffering, but to then blame those who are unable to rise above. Welcome to the world where we leave the sick and vulnerable to the side where those whose wake in fact leads many to being in such a state can simply pass the buck based on these new found philosophies/ideals. It appears to me that world 100 years ago was as selfish as it is today. I also see the common theme of blaming and shaming and whilst such teachings as these may be seen on the religious side, with this book being a mystical delivery being no different ... the secular world is based on this very same theme; pop culture, flags, groups, clubs, gender classes, divided human rights that all lead to the protests we are now watching on society's streets. If your not with them, your against them as would be the automatic response of the self police / now seen protesting in the streets.

_____________

THE WAY IN WHICH YOUR SUCCESS IS MEASURED AND THEY WAY IN WHICH YOUR IDENTITY INSERTED:

Under the control of the 'well to do' who they themselves are sheep ... are the drones who are dependent on their false identity ... THE FALSE SELF. These identities are masterfully indoctrinated through their favorite songs that instill the conflict of one's suffering. In addition to their favorite idols to which they will cling into their elderly years, is the array of entertainment that they watch on their screens. So effective is the derived pleasure that they will watch the same story one hundred fold. Their subconscious is hardwired for selfish desire whilst they beleive the plot is just. The media will dictate their morals whilst their world becomes more unjust ... and on an on ... singing the same old tune that keeps them bound.

_____________

All interesting stuff. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I again am unable to sleep due to my apparent disbelief. hahaha arrrrr WTF ever. Yawns. More so pain which I acquired through the simple act of falling over. Yea yea ... it's a compulsive and repetitive act where doing the same thing can be considered an insane act.

Just sifting through the BS and calling a spade a spade. OMG ... was the politically correct? again ... WTF ever.
____

Eventually fear will subside, then we have to deal with loneliness. It's not a nice thought, but it does seem we have to find out own way. Going with the crowed seems to only have one swept away.

All in all the book is still a good read. I just can't help but note the same hierarchical complexes with many double binds.

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz I try to sleep one more time. Oh crap ... the sun is about to come up.

[Ponder]

Winners and Losers Society:

Such a dog-eat-dog mentality could not be spelled out any more clearer than the following passage:

Within You Is The Power (1920) by Henry Thomas Hamblin
Chapter 2 extract from 1st paragraph
"The promises of God are not made to those who fail in life's battle, but to those who overcome."

Whilst I like the way in which the book shows up man for all his faults, the amount of dogma with an agenda to pit one side up against the other really give credence to part of Cameron Day's article 'Why I Am No longer a Light Worker.' More so in reference to how duality is used as a tool to keep humanity in a double bind. 'Alan Watts' is a good source for learning all about double binds. Of course I see faults in everyone's take ... including my own. I'm not even sure I have one.

Much of what pretty much comes off as condemnation for not having achieved, is as prevalent today and to as much a passionate degree as being sold in Hamblin's book. My teenage son being asked at a job interview what his Mum and Dad did for a living. Thankfully he took that tact for what it was and gave it back to his teachers who also talk in the same way. WORK: That's the whole concept to most who strive for a place in The Hierarchy - to which that age old adage comes into place "Know They Place!"

Hamblin does do a good job at highlighting the futility in seeking happiness, but the over all theme seemingly comes off in a perfect way to justify the dog eat dog mentality that our world is so well known for. If you suffered at the hands of those climbing the ladder, it will still come down to your own disbelief. If not, then I can see nowhere in any of these kinds of books that balance the scales of suffering when it comes to the so called black magicians/humanities darker side. Instead, these books continually blame those who are weak and feeble as totally responsible for lack of strength. To me, this kind of mentality undermines the message.

Perhaps my take in him will change as the chapters unfold. Somehow I don't think so. At any rate, I'm reading it like a sadistic preacher as I imagine him to be. LOL ... just kidding. Pompous maybe. That I am sure I can do well.

Compassion at this point I am not seeing. It's all about self ... with even that higher self in this book at this point leaving much to be desired.

The trouble is when talking about happiness and success - he fails to define it other than talking about the purpose of life which in his book it all about suffering ... he more goes on about segregating those who either have it or do not. The Haves and Have Nots. All about justifying such a world ... hence my title.

[Ponder]

Edit - Just want to Note* I get this concept that suffering 'can' make us stronger (it can also destroy us) - This focus on the issue of suffering as our purpose OR life's purpose does not seem to gell with me... as the adoption of this philosophy can lead us to ignoring other people's pain as well as our own. Also fits into the Prison Planet Theory (http://www.ascensionhelp.com/blog/2013/08/23/why-i-am-no-longer-a-light-worker/) to keep humanity in a bind where it is in an accepted state of negative energy (That belief system in suffering)

Another edit - Yet, the drama of the Prison Planet Theory is as much rehashed into their own little Hierarchy groups - but the concept does shed more light and keep grounded the over sensationalizing of 'Love and Light' and like wise unbalanced views based on Zero Discomfort AKA Bliss and 24/7 super high vibrations. You get the drift. In fact Hamblin does talk about this ... yet he seems stuck on life's purpose as one's sole means of suffering and those that do suffer are themselves to blame and receive little comfort. Basically early into the book (at this stage) ... the book seems devoid of empathy.

I'll work it out. :) sooner or later. :)

Disclaimer - I admit that chapter I am reading is entitled -THE OVERCOMING OF 'LIFE'S' DIFFICULTIES:
I do need to reach a compromise with the book in order to continue being open. I simply question the cost of suffering in order to attain knowing - that in fact, Not Knowing in this light can be said to be a more wholesome pursuit without the need for seeking. AKA - no need to adopt the concept of a life's purpose. hmmm ... I think this is more inline with Drahma Talks.

[Ponder]

A few things in this second chapter that Hamblin keeps hammering home, is the BUILDING of CHARACTER & ATTAINMENT OF WISDOM ... and that BEING THE SOLE PURPOSE OF LIFE. I would say that whilst on the surface this concept is appealing to a certain section of society, (those that Have Vs Not) however, it fails to deliver to those who fall short of said glory. In fact, for those individuals who are disadvantaged by such a concept (know thy place/slavery), they are dismissed solely based their own doings without any consideration being contemplated, re the impact/wake of those seeking so intently - in their quest for the acquisition of 'so called' wisdom. I say 'so called', because the ignorance of which is proclaimed upon the weak and feeble, I would say, such ignorance is as much manifested in those seeking to be wondrous characters in a schemes designed to empower the selfish intentions.

The creation of identities seems to be the byproduct with character creation mingled with the intent to build up / horde - regardless of calling the material - knowledge. The intent amounts to the same thing.


2:30minutes ... link (https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/4583.html)

For What Purpose? (https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/4583.html)
Seems to be a much better approach to life when it comes to finding purpose. Personal Core Purpose Vs New Age Superficial Collective.

That's enough of that rabbit hole.

[Ponder]

Claiming something as if it is the only way, the right way, the true way.
OK - Time to come up for some air. Those last few posts made for quite some ride. If I had hair, I am sure it would all still be splayed in one direction. As long as it is myself pushing me down the slide, then I am OK with that. I'm still going to ponder some on my own resistance but without making any great claims. I think the latter is where most proponents lose it with with me and or those who think for themselves. I even put myself into that category when validating one 'story' along side another via the use of a tone that comes off as a proclamation.

Talking about reincarnation [or what the author is using as their HOOK] as if everyone believes or already understands it:
When trying to sell something in such a manner, it's easy to lose site of the essence within the drama of said stories that are used to couch the audience. I think the authors, presenters (even myself) would do well to remember that all proclamations that come off with an air of authority in any
way; does so in a way that assumes the audience should already know. I now smile to think of how typical it is that such authors project the term arrogance.

Be Your/My Own Audience: Possibly why I may make no sense to others reading - but that's OK - I highly recommend more of us be this way.
That opening paragraph reminds me why it is so important to think of the audience that one wishes to pursue. I will allude anyone other than myself reading, that whilst I sit here and type, it's not exactly me that is speaking to myself. Yet, I know it is crucial to my own development that I remind myself that I am my own audience. I do so whilst attempting to step outside myself whilst tapping on the keyboard as I do.
__________________________________________________ _______

So I have acknowledged some of the annoyances of Truth Seeking (Many I project myself) and reminded myself to ask "What does this information do for me?"

Positive Aspects of Seeing/Persisting Beyond the Road Blocks:
I shall first highlight how it is that most audiences in the back drop to my own truth seeking travels, typically seem to giggle and follow along as in full cooperative mode with whatever is being said from those making whatever proclamations. When finding myself in a room with these seemingly sheepish audiences, I have warning flags that immediately go up. If no one is questioning or in the slightest of resistance to what is being said, I generally avoid such groups. That said, before I leave I will sift through the list of triggers that I have outline here today. I do so in an attempt to find out how it is that these writers, presenters and self professed gurus do what they do to influence those they are seeking to follow along with whatever it is that they are selling. In addition to learning and noting the influencing, persuasive, and manipulative techniques (so I can avoid them in future and warn others) I do often pick up useful bits on knowledge that ring with me in a way that is often different than what is being sold and or typically received. It can still be positive and useful - but in a way that is unique for me.

Negative Aspects re Long Term Exposure in the Quest For Knowledge:
This one for another episode ... at least while I am on a role. The title begs the question that the quest itself leads to all incessant giggling of audiences that follow blindly like sheep, always looking to 'follow' others when it comes to filling the NEED in Wanting to KNOW what's going on in the world. In today's term, think TWITCH for those who like to think they are socially apt, then your main stream stuff for those just as lost.

I'll be back later to iron out things for myself. Also to talk about more of these HOOKS that authors,presenters and self professed gurus/media stars use. More so how to glean what matters and when to move on ... where do all these roads lead? How not to be led. To find one's own way without the need to be assimilated or be part of today's murmuring Borg Collective.

Adios. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/vulcan-salute-smiley-emoticon.gif

Edit - pick up on the exclusive desire to know it all as underline above ... although different context.

[Ponder]

If you can make someone believe in a purpose, then give them a sense of achievement whilst all along giving snippets of discreet criticism; then you will sell books like flying kites on a windy day! From puppets to kites we are led to believe that we choose the path we take, yet all along we are masterfully attached to a cord that is designed to both elevate and descend. Emotional control be the order of the day in which there is a lot of wind. Yet, it has always been this way. Has it?

Perhaps you can see the gist of what I am trying to say regarding the deception and the art of influencing. Despite wishing to finish what I have started, I am thinking I would do well to stop reading the book I have been drawing from as mentioned in my previous posts. I feel the urge to find something that offers the ability for self control in a way that cares less for seeking, overcoming, conquering, building and attaining. Gurus of the past, present and future offer nothing more than the mystical powers of their own designer labeled secrets that offer illusions and delusions for modern day witches and wizards whom have taken on new names within a see of new age movements. Everyone wants to stir their own pot and or flip some cards and tell others their futures.

Comes back to that urge for self control, but not in a way that seeks to tell all or have others beleive as I or you do. Time for some deceptive criticism to draw on that term disbelief; non-believer. You MUST have faith! Now lets line up all that pain and suffering and sell the concept that implies; that in every life you live, (or every round you spin) that you choose to either be raped, beaten, and or tortured so that you and your fellow collective can evolve into higher beings - to overcome and attain ... ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz ... those that can't get it are but victims of their own choosing ... ZZZZzzzzz

Seriously ... what is the attraction of this doctrine? Who is draining life from who? Opening doors to prosperity and freedom from a life of poverty and a prison that they themselves have conjured? Are not these authors themselves previous readers now stirring new pots designed to reap anew? Perhaps this incarnation be more the point than that of which they sell? Past lives, regression, soul traps/contracts/agreements [then of course the mind wipe] all being part of an elaborate scheme to keep us all in their pots? Imprinting, implanting, attaching, or whatever you want to call it ... it really does make for great entertainment. Perhaps this be the pinnacle of mental masturbation? Perhaps I am the pot that called the kettle black?

Seriously ... what are any of these concepts doing for me or anyone else? Is it the process that I and others chose that gives reason, to at least why for myself, I have been bashing my head the number of times I have fallen off my scooter? Where in the end I finally see fancy shapes into which I ascend. (Smiles) That turning point being where I eventually found from all my senseless head basing, that the purpose of life is actually nothing, and that eternal peace really comes from the act of making no sense and leaving well be. Arrrr - but to be sliding along a point with no end that goes over the same revelation/revolution with my/our saving grace being one's ability to meet every round with no resistance. In this aspect it's best to be the one sliding down rather than just the viewing, Or to go from viewing to encompassing without the need for critiquing. Because once you have balanced the chaos with enough questions, neutralized the poison within the pot, and made friends with that monkey in your head ... only then does the act of making no sense, make sense.

No Purpose - No Choosing - No Contracts - No Agreement - No Faith - No Mind Wipes and Yes - no Believing - but no - NO Yesses. Good ... does that make sense. "NO" you say? That's great ... then I say "Well Done!"

In such a state the silence is golden.

Until next chapter.

[Ponder]

They say the journey never ends ... still though, the following is what a consider a hopeful outcome - for both myself and the Earth:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtjF5oEJpSo

[Ponder]

Operation day tomorrow. I had to seek out someone today to help with the extreme pain in my upper back /shoulder blade adjacent to the torn ligament that's been replaced tomorrow. I got a Bowen massage. I was desperate and hopefully there won't be any adverse side affects as listed online. The pain in the back of my left shoulder is still very much present, but seems slightly more manageable. I have had no sleep for days now - yet again. Time to take another pain killer - its been two days since that last and it seems OK to do so regardless of surgery. I will be in hospital for a couple of days. The pulled chess muscle still hurts when I cough but no where near as bad when I did it eight days ago.

I am worried about my back/should neck on the opposite side to busted shoulder now having packed it in given that is the side of my body that needs to work after surgery. I guess I got some major pain for at least the next solid week with pain progressing into the following weeks after that. I just focus on keeping it together in public space ... regardless of the hospital being private. My support companion will be with me all the way up until I am anesthetized. Both the surgeon and anesthetist are on par with that. I also got a single room and they even changed the number of nurses from 4 down to 2 when doing the change over in my room.

I'm truly going to be screwed when I have to return to the public system. No more accidents! I need to wrap myself up on cotton wool.

[Ponder]

Roast Chicken. Staying three nights. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz $600 to $700 each night for the bed and nurses. Tottal cost aroun $12500. Makes me very sad and frustrated to think how so many others miss out.

Not used to typing one fingered ... so much I want to share ... zzzzzzz

THANKS MUM!!!❤❤❤

https://i.ibb.co/VDkBD7H/20200617-130118.jpg

[Ponder]

Back home. one handed Typing and in Tin Foil Hat Mode:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rp0W50E_kC0&list=PLF85HwUYaRwZhEkSHHQyDecx ciiYczxj-&t=475s

Found it interesting from here: → Time Stamp
(https://youtu.be/rp0W50E_kC0?list=PLF85HwUYaRwZhEkSHHQyDecxciiYczxj-&t=478) Perception of time and how Science & Religion both being tools to keeping people lost in the stream of time. Take it, before and after as you must ... still fascinating despite whatever road blocks I myself run into. Road blocks such as anti vax topics / claims ect. Don't let those blocks stop you from learning how the perception management works. I care less for those topics ... I am am social media preconditioned knee jerk reactive to 90% of this myself, but the other %10 is quite revealing. Each to their own. Netflix is very boring. :D

[Ponder]

Now wonder I and the world around me is slipping into insanity.

[Ponder]

The Healing Process

Nut and bolt + artificial tendon. AC repair Job.

https://i.ibb.co/ZYCWm1g/surgery.jpg

1st got some sun ...

https://i.ibb.co/R2qPzWR/After-shoulder-surgery.jpg

and then started my first walk with the sling on today:

Goal is to type two handed and get back to walking. Long way to go.

[Ponder]

Feeling overtired ... have stopped the pain meds. Just taking the anti-inflammatory meds for now. Side affects of the former are a real menace to deal with. Pain is manageable now. Depression is a little concerning. Working on that too. Using two hands for now, but not going to push it. I had a way out experience in the hospital re the drugs and dream states. I save that for when I can type longer.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Remember during one of our long distance phone calls when I first expressed my limited knowledge in eastern philosophy? Remeber how you said, "... - You one of those?" Best I can say now brother, whatever script of rebirth one may or may not gell with, I hope with whatever ounce of soul I have left, that no human being is reborn at all! At least not on or into this plane of exstinze.

Despite our long pauses and those long distances, our connections grew faster and stronger. Not just between you and I, but also to that of all others. Given our level of disconect from not only our real selves, it's no wonder that the pain we feel is so deeply felt.

I bet you that level of suffering when you departed this world is on par with how much I miss you. Is OK Bro, I just made myself smile. Winners & Losers; the very essence of our struggles.

I'm still here Bro. My pain is level 10 and I'm just about all out of soul.

Alas, I see one more time if I can find words to help me find a hole in this God forsaken trench. Not just another rabit hole, but somthing far more real that offers an escape from this endless war above.

See you soon.
Love David. XO

[Ponder]

I had a little cry after that post. Been in a vulnerable state of late and finding the level of intolerance all round too much to take in. More so unable to deflect it. The world is full of so much hate and self importance. I'm just so tired is all.

No matter. I did get more sun today. I work on that.

Going to back off the meds. My liver is already having a hard time and skin starting to burn yet again.

I just focus on my breathing for now and do my best to give up what's left within.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNh2yB0w8gU

Be well. Sorry for those also having a hard time. I wish the world could be kinder to all.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz

Night night.

[Ponder]

I cry for my grandson tonight. He is scared to go to his dads. He has started bed wetting, expressing he would rather his father visit here, more disclosure of being hit and not allowed to cry. Sadly he will not verbalise to anyone else. Unfortunatley the father has been non responsive and combative during the rare acosasions he does. It's breaking our hearts to see our grandson suffer like so. Meanwhile he misses his mum. We are doing all we can to help open the door foor her. He does not understand why his father is abusive and why we are sending him there.

Solicitor letters are going back and forth. We are doing all we can to prevent our grandson losing the only home he has ever known. Soon it will be seven years in the making come 2021. The stress load is incredible. Although we have very good case, we are as fearful as the little guy. As exausted as we be, we are doing an awesome job loving and caring for our grandson.

Lots of crying these days.

Please help us and our grandson.http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/prayer-hands-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

Ready to give up on life: The lived experience of elderly people who feel life is completed and no longer worth living - (https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0277953615002889)

I found that to be an interesting article. Much of it really connected with me. I have been able to reason that from a spiritual perspective much of the suffering could be lessened to some degree by acceptance and letting go of societal ideology. That said, much of the proposed aching loneliness experienced and expressed within the article is something I think quite relevant to a very large proportion of society and not just relegated to the old. (epidemic and reflective of our sick society) Of course that is not to take away from the main theme of the article which in this case directly relates to those over 70 and have simply had enough from their own perspectives.


It takes a long time to learn that everything in this world ends in failure. Still though, so many battle against this very fact. Acceptance seems the only option. So soooo much in that act to be sure. Hence a long time to work that one out. In this sense depression has much to offer, whilst those who are busily going about their busy-ness trying to be more than what they already are, will in deed, ache in much the same way towards their end or in my perspective and context, well before their ends.

I just sit with that for a while. ... Nature is helping me a little. I've been spending a hell of a lot less time on this and way more walking bare foot on the grass taking in the sun as sensibly as I can all with an open heart to feel whatever relief comes. That really can't be expressed other than being in deep pain for one's self with a yearning to feel the sun. I guess despite the wishful ideations of no longer living, I know I must go for my grandson and even then ... even if we were to lose the battle to keep him, we must still go on and be there for him. That struggle alone is full of so many dynamics in which the learning curve to this cruel reality, must be experienced if I am ever to find peace. I'm beginning to see how avoiding these cycles just leads to more of the same thing, within this life - let alone the drama of coming back for another go. None of these thing anyone likes. This is why so many people spend their time running/being distracted.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Tomorrow that bandage comes off. Day ten since shoulder operation. I have about a 12 month period to 'full' recovery with the possibility with limited range of motion. I am in no rush whatsoever. It's actually turned out to be a good thing. Pain still persists and have a long way to go.

Night night ..................

[Ponder]

I had a semi lucid dream that involved a hair raising car chase along the side of of a number of cliffs. It was during this point I felt like I had some sense that I was dreaming, but decided to ride with it. The dream started with some kings horses and men (a lot actually) that ended up chasing me and a few others by my side, where we escaped in a mechanical vehicle that suddenly spawned hundred of years from the future. Eventually we gave up that vehicle and stepped into some kind of weird interdenominational lift that popped us out into a time closer to today. This is where that car chase along the cliff started. I was not long then faced an adversary challenging me that ended up with me hacking people to death. It was at that point that I woke up at 4am.
_____________________________

My shoulder feels not too bad. The pain is not stopping healing. It's been present with me long enough that we are now one and the same. Smiles. I am super sensitive to pain, yet also used to it. A level of acceptance that allows for mending without the use of drugs. I've even managed to lose a little weight this time as I have been disciplining myself re those unhealthy comfort foods. In that process my skin is once again on the mend. Additionally I have also been getting to bed much earlier as well as spending less time on my computer; away from my four radiating screens. The next level of healing might involve taking out the ear buds and less fiddling with my phone. I think perhaps a return to printed books or the purchase of an ink pad. Yes, I think that would fit well into my current backyard ventures. While I am at it I would benefit from some multi focal glasses as well. Best to get the latter first. Taking multiple glasses with me everywhere I takes up a lot of space + tiring.
______

I think that is enough acknowledgments and goal setting. Actually scratch the term goal setting and replace with 'setting intention.' I really need to drop all that clinical self help lingo. I too have ready many self help books over the decades and none seem to really hold any form of long term solutions for me. In fact most are based on the same fallibility to which our modern society is built on. Spirituality as it is also peddled is offering me less and less. It is as seemingly twisted and confusing as the common dynamics found in online truth seeking. ... Thus time to go back within. (I often say it, but always find myself drawn back out)

This need not mean I no longer read or take other things in. It just means going back to what worked before and seeing if I can connect once more on those previous levels I have tasted before. Learning to live in a world that singles out those who do not feed it's current structure is a hard task to be sure. It's part of that long learning curve where at my current point and I doing my best to endure that aching loneliness so commonly associated with alienation. How you view or from which point you look, with respect to who is separating who? That being a key element in the process of suffering. The more one identifies with that which they yearn to leave, the more pain one suffers in that process of alienation. Yet if one can sit with the discomfort that comes from braking away from said attachments and distractions - the more one is able to endure these natural reactions / phases of depression. (definition on natural being where resistance has the potential to trigger or acceptance can take place) Only then can one fathom the concept of learning from suffering. However, I would term it as simply moving on. That concept I think is as misinterpreted and often comes up the same as telling someone who is gutted to 'cheer up.' I am sure it has merit, but in today's butchering of terms it does - for me at least - more harm than good.

That's a wrap. I think I will head out into the darkness and cold then greet the sun in whatever mood I am in when it comes.

Have a good night/evening.

Adios.

[Ponder]

Making in roads ... but still very sore!
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eS-EiuVTe4M&feature=emb_title)

[Ponder]

Will work on video evidence and start outlaying my own affidavit re the family courts. The video evidence is a bit of a story in itself and really something more for both my wife, grandson and myself than it is to the courts. The affidavit however is more crucial and going to take quite some effort.

I wish the little guy all the best. Today he begins his long journey for the second time for a week long stay with his father. Supportive we are, however we can't say we are positive about our grandson's safety. He never wants to stay at the fathers house and has spent quite a few nights bed wetting coming up to this event. The video we did entails recent events involving more hitting.

For those out there that condone hitting children as a form of discipline, you best give up reading. I intend to show such antics as nothing less than regressed abuse being passed on. Point is, this father beats an autistic child who when faced with stress always becomes nonverbal, although yells and cries. He is getting older now, yet still quite underdeveloped in social terms from a neurotypical standard. Child beaters ... (Many who use physical discipline end up abusers due to the fact that the quickest solutions always corrupt) Child beaters are quick to react negativity in situations they themselves feel uncomfortable. They hit first then ask questions later.

I leave it at that for now, but will soon return to using this space to flesh out and leave the 'too much info' in here and hopefully end up with some better notes in my draft; where it counts.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

I purchased a couple of games as Steam is having a Summer sale. This one looked interesting:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtOqwZap3WE

[Ponder]

Great one on ego. Nail that and you can quiet the mind.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EwzvKF-o_Y

[Ponder]

Despite religion (which I don't think this guy is) I really like him. He actually reflect much of Echkart in his talks:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sJrPVvMGaOU

[Ponder]

Poor grandson is continuing to be flogged. This time we have recorded multiple disclosures and combined with a number of other facets of evidence, we have now decided that we will no longer be sending our grandson for unsupervised. This a huge step given it could be interpreted as contravening current court orders, however, strong is our evidence that the father has already been contravening orders and in that process has been abusing the child. Whilst it's a risky move on our side of the fence, it will force other parties to consider the evidence a lot more seriously than has otherwise been previously dealt with. We are sick of this feeling of being looked up as lairs and fabricators whilst watching our grandson regress before our very eyes. He is such a brave boy and it is our intention to validate and encourage him for his valiant disclosure. His father is unaware of just how much evidence we have built up. Enough said.
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Phew - what else is happening. Shoulder is still very tight and sore, BUT, with again - with each passing day it's getting slightly better.

Life goes on ... Breath In ... Breath Out. Trying not to hold all these cruel realities in a bitter twisted knot. lest toxic opinion wells up and ranting and raving ensue. laughs out loud. Bla bla bla and literally more bla bla bla :)

Sigh.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI&list=RDcc3M1nppd3c

[Ponder]

The guy flying his or her jet is less likely to come to terms with his/her ego as to that of one whom finds their self sitting in thier allocated prison cell. That being something I just paraphrased from the Russell Brand and Eckhart Tolle interview linked above. In my own efforts to work on Ego (takes a life time) I have never gelled with those who feel the need to defend the ego by saying there is the 'healthy ego.' Echkart sums it all up well in the following link.


In his video ‘On Ego Versus Healthy Self-Esteem?’ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VauHIuyPwkM) Eckhart proposed that as you grow older ‘Healthy Self-Esteem’ is not enough. In fact, that the concept itself is transcended and what takes its place is Healthy-No Self Esteem. Whilst admitting the low self-esteem is the more detriment of the two, this does not lesson the negative impact to be had basking in the ‘easier’ to live with concept of ‘Healthy Self Esteem.’ Both dynamics of the ego are identification with form. Comparing one form against another – comparing one’s self against another in a sub subconscious effort to yield satisfaction from being ‘better.’

To quote Eckhart from the above link in reference to how we contrast and compare ourselves when bolstering our ‘Healthy Self Esteem’ “… Ultimately, to put it bluntly, others who have less or know less or can do less than you …”
This nails my resistance to such clichés terms as ‘thriving, success, betterment, overcoming, attaining, prosperity’ and so on. This mind set in the end sees one’s sense of value or worthiness being dependent on this all too often pedaled philosophy. (widely driven by the self-help genre)

An appealing ideology that sees many wishing to be so much more than they already are. It is in that process of building their selves up, the construct of an acritical light that whilst feels warm, fuzzy and easy to live with, shines so bright, that those whom they have contrasted their ‘selves’/ego and so called ‘healthy self-esteem’ with, are driven into the opposite direction where sadly many of those then identity with low self-esteem.

Now whilst Eckhart plainly states that the pursuit of these limited pleasures, satisfactions and feel good states of being is fine – Or again in his own words “… it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t strive to do great things or have things, or to know things, but the question is – Ultimately … is that a satisfying basis for your sense of who you are? … and in the long term it is Not."
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Eckhart then goes on to talk about illusion and delusion where the true sense of ‘self-esteem’ which he re words as ‘true sense of worthiness and of power (true power) comes when you realize the formless in yourself …
Which brings me back to those sitting in a prison cell Vs that of whom are flying in their Jet. I now chuckle when contemplating those dependent on the illusion and delusion of self-help philosophies that see so many seeking to be flying in that jet. More over how limited all those motivational terms really be.

So, it is that I continue to contrast in the opposite direction where my struggle is resistance to much of the same thing. (AKA Comparatives) Thus begins the cycle of acceptance where I would do better to simply be still and endure the silence that when practiced enough, I will find the space that helps … I go walk on that now. I remember so clearly now saying in a recent video of my own ... how comparisons suck. ... I will probably never be able to articulate it ... but I know what I mean. :)

When I myself get all of this ... it is during those times I am less threatened by others out my door. I see them as just as fallible as me - other times I see with the same potential without the need to play any mind games. To be fair and honest ... it's never easy in this world the way it be. It is what it is, but how we hold that is, seem to be key. Much of this take is from the video below ... It's just my take. If you too like me are sick of the limited and shallow mindsets being sold today - give this guy a watch. I only just glean - he is NOT my guru. That's not my thing.

Have a great day/evening.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VauHIuyPwkM

[Ponder]

Long term ... being two words echoing in my mind from Echkarts 'Ego Vs Healthy Self-Esteem' YouTube Vid. The latter invariably as much a road block as the former. “… it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t strive to do great things or have things, or to know things, but the question is – Ultimately … is that a satisfying basis for your sense of who you are? … and in the long term it is Not." If you can't grasp that, give that video a listen. Insightful stuff.

You don't have to live that long for something to become long term. Yet a life long lived will typically impart a deeper connection with whatever is experienced. In that light we would do well to be careful with what we take on board as well as what we impart.

One thing I do know, is that no matter how deeply routed in suffering one may be, is that it's never too late to break out of rut. The cycle of up and down too often belittled and then labeled as some kind of ... disease ... to be overcome. Such context of instability that reigns in this world, is in my view, quite natural; albeit quite uncomfortable. I'm not sure why ... but now thinking how we are not born with sin, but more how we are born into sin. I would add though, that our species does carry with it an inherent predisposition of instability where our bodies are easily triggered in a world that exploits via the swift process of preconditioning. That said, I don't care to use the DNA excuse or one's memory making it impossible to move on. I find much of Echkarts wisdom great for disconnecting from all in this world that seeks to keep us bound.
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SIMPLE STAR GAZING WITH SIMPLE TOOLS?

My next non-adventure.

Of course it does help to have some experience which does require a little insight and dare I say planning. First I go contemplate my next list of purchases then come back and contemplate on my approach ... in returning to a passion I once had. What better way to disconnect. This time I need to forget about imaging, over-sizing and complicating the process. That's how I ended up dropping my photography hobby which resulted in my loosing a connection with nature whilst being too caught up in the showboating and technology.

My wife made a post for me on FB (I don't use it for community groups other than our computer charity venture) asking about good places to go. She got a lot or responses of people wanting to take part as there is no astronomy group here. That said, I don't want to get back into astronomy - at least not into it like I was before. Anyways - such a large response of people wanting to stargaze has made me think "... do I really want others to come ... or do I want to be alone? - OR - Should I do both and only have one or two come if I do decide to do it as a group? ..."

Until next post:
https://i.ibb.co/cYPvD7r/bay-area-stargazing.jpg

[Ponder]

Sigh ... It's no proud moment to say that today I literally defecated my pants after a man pulled out a mattock from his trade utility truck, professed he was going to kill me. I was convinced he was serious the way he was yielding it and even chased after me when I turned taking a few steps wondering WTF I was going to do. My shoulder was in pain, I was tired and late for an appointment, cars were whizzing by pretty fast on the side of the road. Having literally crapped my pants and feeling that I was in no way in a state to out run the guy, I decided to turn and face him after taking a few steps to run from him and well ... I guess you could say I pleaded for my life. I must of done a good job as he backed down and I survived. I went home, changed my pants and told my wife I was unable to make it to my physio appointment.

Whilst I could make a long winded story about how the guy was in the wrong re the road collision, the insanity I had to deal with whilst doing my best to keep it together is more the issue I am now left to deal with. Fancy shitting yourself. Takes a deep breath. Police are now involved. Sadly the only car the pulled over to watch, also left when the psychopath did as well. Best I have is that the offender went to the police first. He was told that they don't deal with traffic accident. The police did say though that he admitted to his own mental illness and when walking out the door, also admitted to grabbing a weapon. This they said with my information that I had provided was enough for them to begin an investigation where hopefully charges will be laid. I'm glad he was remorseful enough to admit as much as he did. My own inability to defend myself at this point in reflection combined with how I tried to remain calm is both encouraging and yet embarrassing. The guy was pretty convincing that he was going to kill me and what with a mattock that looked more like an axe the way he held it and ten progress to attack me with it. Yadda yadda

My wife is asking on FB for anyone that might of seen it. What can I say. What do you reckon Echkart? It is what it is. Oh boy ... nervously chuckles. ... and like I say ... "it's all in the way you hold that is."

I just leave it be for now. So lucky my wife is able to do all the paper work re the insurance. I have a good case with the pictorial record of road placement and photo I later took of damage to care when I got home. Mindfully wrote out a statement as suggest by police on the phone - support person came to help me down at the station and all that. My head is spinning.

I think I take a pill to help some. I am allowing the mixed feelings to be as they are. Feeling inadequate, vulnerable, violated - BUT also trying to see how I could of just as easily reacted like the guy with the mattock. Thankfully I have restricted my uncontrolled psychopathic rage to my dreams. The world is in insane. I did good but this shows me just how vulnerable we can become. I am exhausted ...

What's the next lesson? I chuckle once more to think of how and when I do get back on my scooter ... that I will most likely be traveling at a snails pace afraid to cross paths with even the smallest of children. arrrrrrr

OK - that's a wrap.

Thanks for listening.


Google image of another incident separate to mine - but entails the same negative residual hate that's currently rife:

https://i.ibb.co/nQLhtwv/Road-rage-2.jpg

[Ponder]

I think this was the push I finally needed.

I sincerely hope this is it.

I won't be giving any links this time.

Wishing you all the best.

Take Care Guys.