Nobody Likes a Quitter

[raggamuffin]

Unless you're quitting something that's self-destructive and addictive.

I'm sure we're all guilty of pursuing certain addictions. During times of introspection I ask myself how long will I continue down this road? Realistically I've been living with numerous addictions for a large portion of my life: junk food, pornography, alcohol, video games and cannabis. I find myself to follow an "all or nothing" approach in life and it does me a grave disservice.

We all know that exercise and health eating helps the mind and body. Not eating processed junk should be a lifestyle we all pursue - and yet the unhealthiest foods seem to be the one's we crave the most. The dopamine released from eating an apple compared to a slice of cake is like comparing night and day.

I'd like to pack it all in truth be told. There's no merit or enjoyment in these addictions I've recklessly allowed to continue for so many years. The burden on my mental and physical health slowly becomes ever more apparent as I continue down this road of wanton self-destruction. As tolerances build, the mind and body requires more and more until you reach a point of unsustainability.

I feel burnt out every single day, often simply through the act of waking up in my bed and realising it's another day of being me. Working this office job I have no passion for, relying on a couple of beers or a smoke to take the edge off at the end of the day. Finally, ending the day with the seemingly ritualistic and deplorable search for pornography.

This doesn't really feel like a life that I hold in any form of high regard. I'm utterly exhausted - and I think it would be best to stop pursuing all of these destructive distractions. Truth be told, anxiety has been excessive these past 24 hours. Whilst it's not exactly a prolonged panic attack, I'm holding onto so many overbearing worries and fears that I've felt sick to my stomach for the best part of a day.

Whilst being too hard on yourself often isn't a constructive mindset to hold - I am utterly disgusted with how I've lived my life through excess this past decade.

Ed

[raggamuffin]

So I'm on day 3 of no weed, alcohol or porn. Boredom isn't so bad. Gaming wasn't as rampant this weekend either. I figure if I can get the substance abuse and porn under my belt first for a few months, then I can move into the video game addiction.

Ed

[Dahila]

wow, I wanted to post here but I was so busy, Congrats on third day of sobriety, every day is a victory
Yes we all have some kind of addition

[raggamuffin]

Panic attack on my lunch break.

Still, it was probably more nutritious than the food I ate.

Ed

[Dahila]

Raggamuffin I hope after so many years with dealing with anxiety and depression , you know how to manage the panic attack. Are you better now?
I had quit a quiet few things in my life and the first few days are cruel , so I was using ativan to give me some peace.

[raggamuffin]

I'm alright now. It was short lived, but it left me rather burnt out. When I got back to work I was in a bit of a daze. Was making frequent mistakes and stupid one's at that. I didn't let it get me more anxious though. I find these days when I'm anxious I bounce back quicker, as it's never an experience or symptom I haven't felt before.

I'm under no illusion nobody could ever be free from anxiety, as it's a natural fight or flight response. I simply do my best to not let it get triggered senselessly through oversensitization. The main issue I think has been an overall low mood this past year or so. But again, things are improving and moving in the right direction.

It's all progress at the end of the day.

Ed

[Dahila]

of course we will not get rid of anxiety; survival of the species, We are able to change our reaction to stress but it requires a lot of work. You are good, after panic attack I am not able to function or to sleep, then the meds.
Ragga step by step as long as you live and do something ;)
I just noticed I know you (here) for 6 years

[MainerMikeBrown]

Keep heading in the right direction, Raggamuffin.

[raggamuffin]

Day 4 now. A couple of minor urges. Nothing major. Got a porn blocker but that's a token gesture really. Set up my ISP with an adult filter too.

Weekend will be somewhat tricky with regards to weed and alcohol but nothing too harsh I'm sure.

Just got to keep busy

Ed

[MainerMikeBrown]

Keeping busy is often an effective way to distract yourself from mental health issues.

[raggamuffin]

Day 5 now. Things are moving along nicely. I gave away all my weed to a friend for free. He was rather shocked how much I gave him.

As for the porn side of things, a couple of brief urges, but all rather tame. Especially when compared to other cravings I've had in the past, such as quitting drinking - the porn side of things has been fairly easy.

I think this is because I'm not going for a no masturbation policy. I simply wish to give up porn. It's strange how difficult quitting anything can be. At the end of the day I suppose that difficulty is somewhat self imposed. Much like success - our problems are usually self made. Giving up an addiction in essence is as simple as not doing something. It takes less effort to not do something than do it. So what's the problem? It's all internal.

Gone with a new ISP that'll be set up in a week or so. Setup an adult filter on it along with one for Firefox. Again, I simply view these as token gestures. They're not even safety nets to be honest, if I wanted to look at porn I'd know they were activated and simply switch them off.

Going back on giving something up always feels fruitless. No matter how convinced you are that it'll be worth it, or that it can be moderated - the actual act and result is always an anti-climax. Then comes the guilt, and the realisation the counter has reset and you're starting all over again. Personally I see no sense in going backwards, and every reason to move forwards.

Porn is a toxic medium and I'm glad to be rid of it. Sure, it's early days - but that's not to say it's not easy to see what a depraved industry it is.

Ed

[Dahila]

yeah porn is damaging very damaging, so is alcohol and other hard drugs, I have nothing against grass though

[raggamuffin]

In of itself weed isn't the worst, but it's easy to let it slip into a daily routine and live in a cloud. Paired with alcohol it makes a very different and very powerful high which I'd been abusing for quite some time.

I've had a couple of long breaks from cannabis, lasting over a year at a time. When I started again a couple of years ago, I got to a point where I was mainly smoking on weekends only, which was a level of restraint I didn't think I'd achieve.

However, mixing it with alcohol showed a complete lack of restraint in of itself. There'll be peaks and troughs with quitting both. Originally I never drank. First time I got drunk at 17 I got alcohol poisoning and didn't drink for 8 years.

In all honesty I'll be glad to see the back of both of them. Now I've discovered cbd oil and can feel a little more relaxed and at ease without the need to be high or drunk - I think it's already showing its value in my life. Its not a daily usage either, as and when to be honest. I'm at a point now where high anxiety is rather minimal and so the cbd isn't going to be used more than a handful times a week.

As for porn, it's another past time that promoted dopamine. But it's also destructive in numerous ways. Something I've used since my mid teens and I'm about to approach my mid thirties. It's a long time and it's not been beneficial at all. It's not necessary, and the fact it leads to addiction and the desire to watch more and more is wrong. As is how it can affect relationships. Every person I've dated hasn't cared if I watch porn, but it still affects a relationship in other ways. There can be an expectancy for sex in a relationship without foreplay or romance etc.

The instantenous nature of porn can make for impatienxe and impertinence in relationships. I'm approaching the 1 week mark. I don't think it'll be that big a challenge to let go. I won't say it'll be easy, but I'm starting a clean slate in many respects and it'll help me hugely in so many areas of my life in the long run

Ed

[Dahila]

Ed thanks for explaining. I tried like everyone in the world to watch porn to see what it is about, It made me feel like vomit, Many people watch it, I had not idea how it can influence the relationships. Thanks
I never drink alcohol and for sure not when I have a bit of grass, you right it makes you high this combination. I have COPD and grass makes my breathing easier, ON the other hand the munchies killing me so I stopped all of that

[raggamuffin]

Porn is a really unnerving habit that is seen as perfectly normal - when it's anything but. Even if what's being watched is rather vanilla, it's still voyeurism. If it weren't behind a monitor, and you happened to encounter 2 people having sex - I'd estimate most people would feel embarrassed and look away. Someone who didn't would be considered weird. Someone who continued to watch and then proceeded to masturbate would be considered a pervert, or even a criminal.

The way porn has changed over the years is also troubling. In recent years the biggest website/studios have started to normalise rather violent sex. It's not BDSM - but it's degrading to the women. There's slapping, choking, rough sex, spitting and all sorts. The fact that this is becoming more and more prevalent is extremely concerning when you consider how easily accessible the internet is now to younger and younger people. You see teenagers and younger with smartphones. I imagine some parents setup an adult filter and consider the matter done, but it isn't. With Google, anything can be learnt nowadays.

An even more troubling occurrence in porn in recent years has been this faux incest. Step sister and step brother. Or man with step mom. Again - normalising completely abnormal behaviour that isn't acceptable in society. For people to be exposed to this at younger ages is extremely troubling because in some way shape or form - certain people will assume this has a degree of normality to it.

The strange thing I found with porn is that so many niches that I looked at over the years weren't people remotely sexually appealing in the real world. But with the dopamine that porn conjures, comes a degree of boredom after a while. This occurs in nature as well - we're attracted to what is new and novel. With porn, you can access hundreds of different people having sex at the click of a button. That isn't normal and our brains and chemistry aren't equipped to deal with that.

It's rather embarrassing, but it's true - I ended up looking at porn where the people involved were repulsive to a point. I'm talking really old, or morbidly obese etc. Things that, in reality I wouldn't ever dream of wanting to be in a relationship or have sex with them. But porn is like a modern day freak show, that not only excites and is used as a means to an end - but it can also disgust and shame you.

Even though I'm only on day 6, having distanced myself from porn and focusing on rather deep introspection and remorse for how it makes me feel looking back. You can't change the past - but, whilst porn is often degrading, I feel just as degraded having watched it for so many years. It was an utter waste of time and I think it made me treat people differently in relationships when it came to impulsivity around sex. Lowering my sex drive many a time because it was more stimulating to watch sex rather than engage in the real world and a meaningful relationship. Taking a step back and looking at porn as a whole and how much time I squandered - I realise that there isn't any positives to porn. It's utterly depraved and disgusting. Sex is between 2 consenting adults and isn't to be viewed by prying eyes who want a cheap thrill. I truly am ashamed that I allowed myself to continue to use porn on an almost daily basis for over half my life.

At least it's over now. Sure, it's day 6 - but I know it in my heart. People often feel shame with any addiction, but this one is truly repugnant. As i've spoken with friends about it this week, I've realised several of my male friends openly admitted to being addicted to it too. Some justified it by being single - but still, it makes you think.

I joined a Reddit group on people stopping porn, but I don't really find the site as enjoyable. Probably because it's new to me and somewhat intimidating. Plus I feel somewhat at home on this site having frequented it for so many years.

Today there were a few porn cravings. I guess this is because with a smartphone you have the world at your fingertips. I'm half tempted to go back to a "feature phone" as they call them. Rather an ironic title for a phone with very little features outside of calls and texts. It would certainly help tackle another addiction I have which is the internet. Although gaming remains my longest running addiction stemming all the way back to my childhood and has steadily increased over the years. I'm at a point in my life now where I've spent 2-3 years solid of my 33 years on this planet gaming. That is 24/7 gaming in those years.

It's a shame that I have a rather all or nothing personality. Moderation is key in life. A balanced lifestyle is promoted - excess does you more harm than good.

One thing I've noticed this week is the intensity of thought and emotions. I've lived in a cloud for years now. Either coming down from a couple of beers the night before or a smoke or some such. I was living life, but I was never really there. Life was passing me buy and I was rather happy to let it do this, because emotions and anxiety and depression were so overbearing. A smoke or a drink guaranteed an improved - if falsified feeling in my head. But after 14 years on and off smoking weed and 6 years drinking - enough is enough.

I've probably shaved off a good few years of my life by living it to excess. It's brought about no positive conclusions. I need to man up to my responsiblities in the real world and stop coasting along doing the bare minimum to get by.

Ed

[raggamuffin]

Further to the above, an interesting snippet from a 2016 news article:

Today, it is believed the online porn sector is worth around $15 billion, and it reaches more people, and younger people, every year. In 2016 the analytics report of just one website, Pornhub, revealed that its videos were watched 92 billion times last year, by 64 million daily visitors. It works out at 12.5 videos for every person on the planet, and if you tried watch all of them consecutively – don’t – you’d be busy for 524,641 years

Ed

[Dahila]

This is an awesome post ragga, I had read it with a lot of interest, Yeah you looked at it from different perspective, It is like analyses of society. You are so right , Will come back and read again, Eye opening for grandma I am :)
I really like your writing style so light and smooth. Are you sure you are not writer Ragga? I know you are a man of many talents.......

[raggamuffin]

I enjoy writing, although I've never written a book. Over the years I frequented a website that enabled me to write 20,000 word or so profiles that turned into mini autobiographies. I'd often get comments on how well written they were. As well as ridicule from people who couldn't fathom why anyone would waste their time writing so much, let alone reading it. One of the pitfalls of online conversation is how toxic they can become. There is no real comeuppance for belittling or bullying someone online. Very easy for people to adopt an alternative persona and pretend to be something they aren't.

I do enjoy writing as I do art - whilst the talent is there, and I could easily make it a career; I struggle to overcome my laziness and apathy to meet out any real drastic changes. I've been following rather dead end career choices that I hold no love or interest for. This discontent only serves to amplify pre-existing anxiety and depression etc. I have begun moving towards a career I'd like to follow and have set up my own website for my drawings as well as a Facebook page. Had a couple of exhibitions and sold some limited edition prints. If I continued to push and pursue, I have no doubt I could make it. Asides from art and writing I love music - but this is from a collectors point of view. I've tried several instruments in the past, but I grew weary of learning to play other people's songs. Similar to English Literature and spending every class analysing what other's have written rather than creating my own works. And yet, English Literature is what I studied through college and university having been denied by my parents from studying art as it wasn't "career friendly."

I fully expected the weekend to present more of a challenge than the weekdays. It hasn't been as intense as expected, but there is a good deal of discomfort. I was never much of a social drinker, and so the weekends would consist of a routine of drinking and smoking at home. Without the ability to do these I feel a little on edge.

There's a sense of boredom that outweighs feelings of negativity. I find the real cravings are fleeting and vary in intensity. I'm not convinced of any timeline for things to start feeling easier. Sobriety isn't something normal to me, and whilst I'd often go most weekdays without a drink or a smoke, the option was always there.

Im glad that there isn't so much guilt this past week. Other than thinking about the aforementioned grievances and worries about porn. With drinking or smoking there was always an underlying sensation of being reckless and rather idiotic.

I think that changes and improvements probably won't present themselves obviously as the weeks go by. There'll be a fixation on certain aspects that I gradually let go.

For my anxiety and depression I feel that quitting these 3 vices will be highly beneficial. Whilst the beginning is tough and feels rather drawn out, I know that long term I will look back on these days and tha k myself that I had the foresight to let these addictions go.

Ed

[Dahila]

Hi Ragga what a pleasure to read something that is written in such beautiful English. I was right that you have many talents. I had finished Fine Art School back home and I had my own business ; Screen printing. I like you I am a person to be blessed with many talents. My main passion was an animal trainer with specialty; dogs and horses, Unfortunately due my allergies I could not follow my dream, I am the happier when I am working with animals, I could not follow this passion, so I chose another one drawing painting, and I had spend many years doing it, Then I moved to Canada, and worked a lot of strange jobs to keep my children fed and clothed. In mean time I finished college in Canada and started to work on the newest passion being on computer. Few years passed, children left home. I opened very small, tiny one; business Bath and body care, One of my passion is working with herbs and making healing salve and creams. I am still doing it, Does not give me a lot of money but a lot of satisfaction.
I also love music and tend to listen classical one and jazz. I love blues and raggaea. I would love to see your drawing if you can link me to your page.
I was reading your post and thinking about my grandchild , She is already writing poetry , drawing, dancing ballet. She composed her own song , beautiful song and the music, She was attending music school from age of 4. Now she is 13 and so many achievements .
Ragge I hope the way I write is acceptable for you. I started to learn language when I was 38 years old. Whatever I know is from addiction to reading books. Please write, I take my sweet time reading your posts, They are awesome, I can relax reading it, I get you.
I remember when I quit smoking, It is already 12 years. It was very difficult , the most difficult thing I had done in my life. There were a few things I had quit before, none so hard .
The first step is to be proud of yourself and be kind, Every day is a small victory and there will be a lot of moments when you feel quilty, you have regrets. Try to let it pass, it will pass, Each day will be fuller, more beautiful and creative, Put all that into your art or any major hobbies you have, If I was you I would write (I mean to be able to write so flawlessly) maybe short stories on the beginning. Save it, and you will see the progress, Any way I am huge fan of your writing and will wait for more.
Thank you Ed

[raggamuffin]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you enjoy reading what I have to share. I have often wondered what my artwork would look like had I been given the opportunity to study art in college and university. I recall my only gripe with art at school was the heavy reliance on copying the world around you. Whether it be plants, portraits or still life - you were expected to replicate what you saw.

I never really enjoyed copying - as my copies were usually out of proportion and lacking the realism and quality of their real-life counterparts. When I was told I couldn't study art I didn't draw for several years. In my early 20's I began drawing solely from my imagination without any references. Over the years these surreal cartoons have grown in size and complexity. I liken them nowadays to a Where's Wally/Waldo style of picture in terms of business and complexity.

www.edfoulds.art

I've had my website running for a few months now. I've been doing Facebook promotions and got a following of a few hundred people. I'd happily invest more in online marketing, but it can be a bit of a money pit.
For example, if I were to spend £10 on an ad I created I would probably get 3000+ views. Of those views an average of 1 in 200 might like or react to my post. Of those, maybe 1 in 50 will go on to like or follow my page.

As a result, it can be costly, but I know it’s something that would continue to grow. In this age of pervasive Internet and media expose, there's no easier time to broadcast yourself and obtain an online following.
I prefer face to face conversations though. Over the years I've gained all sorts of praise for my politeness and good nature when talking to people face to face. The impersonal nature of online advertising doesn't fill me with much hope and in some ways I liken it to gambling. You write an ad, fine tune an audience, put down your money and hope to see hundreds of likes.

Realistically I need to do art and craft fairs on weekends. Something that I've looked into and know I could easily manage. I think the main issue is drive. Working a 5 day week in a job that is slowly grinding me down through boredom and repetition - it's hard to find motivation to spend my free time investing in yet more work, even if it’s to follow my dream of making a living from my art.

It's a bitter pill to swallow - knowing that if I truly invested real time and effort, I could leave the rat race and make a living through my passion.

Truthfully, as each day passes working in jobs, I have no passion for I become more and more distraught. It’s a slow build, but in recent years there is an ever-growing sense of urgency to follow my dreams.

It’s no coincidence that depression started to take hold when I was told I couldn't study art. Over the years it has matured, and whilst it peaks and troughs, I'm certainly not living day to day in dread or deep depression. However, there is a constant undercurrent of futility in my mood and outlook.

As my personality and confidence has grown in recent years, I've found a talent for quick wit and humour in conversations. It's easier to make people laugh than be my real self and reveal just how lost and often worthless I feel. My humour is often making light of my bleak outlook and limited interests and passions. It gets people laughing with me, whilst unwittingly laughing at me. What I’ve found interesting is how easy I find it to win people over. In many ways I’m glad depression and anxiety has filled me with a lot of self-doubts, because otherwise I think I could easily turn into a manipulative megalomaniac.

Knowing I have talents and fail to utilise them often serves to make depression and bitterness that much stronger. When I have passion and dedicate myself fully to something – I achieve a great deal in a short space of time. Yet, throughout most of my life I have coasted along doing the bare minimum to get by. I find my attention span is either on or off. I obsess or completely disregard. Not following my dream took me down career paths and experiences which I had no vested interest in. I settled – not even for second best. I’ve been told time and time again in every job I’ve worked in that I’m wasted in the role that I’m doing. I began working at the age of 18 and since the age of 19 I haven’t had one sober week without a smoke or drink.
Humour has been pivotal in helping me cope and having adopted a rather comedic social persona, I think most people don’t realise just how unhappy I am. It’s better to make people laugh than let them see the overwhelming fears and doubts I juggle on a daily basis. The main issue with my comical façade is that people realise quickly when I’m not in a good mood. If I’m mentally bogged down with depression or anxiety, I’m very quiet and introverted. Not only that, but I know these moods emanate outwards and draws other people in. In recent years depression feels physical – it’s overwhelming; both mentally and physically. I feel it in my core and throughout my whole body.

In recent years I’ve taken to meeting people’s stare when walking down the street and smiling. I have a face full of piercings, as well as being 6’4” with an odd, bouncy walk. Often people look concerned or bemused when they see my appearance, but when I meet their gaze with a smile, I feel that it’s appreciated and returned in kind. However, when my mood is low, I notice how people also respond in kind. I don’t walk around with an angst and annoyed face like I used to in my teens and early 20’s. If I’m having a bad day – I think my expression is one of worry or despair. When stranger’s see me I often feel an air of sympathy or concern when they see me walk past.

It’s difficult enough to live with depression, but when you know your mood drags other’s down with you – it ends up making you feel selfish for even having a bad day. When I begin to feel better, my partner often draws attention to how difficult or short tempered I was when I felt bad. I understand it’s not easy to be around, but at the same time I don’t appreciate being repeatedly told that I’m being peevish when I feel depressed. I liken it to being told “don’t get angry” when my reaction wasn’t angry in the first place – but being told to calm down brings about an almost instantaneous rage.

I don’t think there’d be anwhere near as much discontent in my life if I did follow my dream. Office jobs are draining and customer services is thankless. The past couple of jobs I’ve tried really hard and had a real pride in my work – but to what end? I don’t want promotions, and I don’t want to be stuck here. I’ve spoken candidly with so many people here and nobody enjoys it. We wouldn’t live for the weekend if the weekdays were spent doing something we enjoyed. I’ve been quite taken aback by how many people feel stuck in jobs they have no love for – it’s quite sad that so many of our hopes and dreams are slowly being crushed by working in dead end jobs. I suppose I only really call it dead end because there’s no passion behind it for me. I could progress and rise up in any of the jobs I’ve worked at – but why’d I do that? Why take a position with more responsibility and stress?

I found it interesting reading about your experiences and careers you’ve followed. I know that in a few years I will be financially able to spend more time and money on building my website, following and eventual career in art. I’ll never forget speaking to a retired friend of my dad’s. He implored me not to wait as long as he did to follow my dream of art. He waited until he retired at 65 – I don’t want to hold oiut that long.

Working these jobs isn’t good for my health – both mentally and physically. It’s exhausting pretending to care and repeating the same inept procedures day in day out. The grind is relentless, and I hate it.

As for day 9 – the weekend was tough in places. Boredom was quit apparent, as was the apathy towards the games I spent all weekend playing. Gaming is much like the jobs I’ve worked. I do it by default, even though I’d rather do other things. I suppose a routine is easier than trying something that requires more effort. On Friday night I felt like it was quite a struggle being sober. It ws short lived discomfort, but it felt rather overbearing. I’ve spoken with more friends about these recent choices to quit and I was surprised by a few friends who had no interest in porn whatsoever. It felt quite refreshing to be honest and gave me something to look up to in a way.

I agree with what yo usay about being kind to myself. As time has gone by I’ve started to appreciate “the little things” more. Especially when anxiety was at it’s worst and got to a point where even leaving the house would trigger panic attacks etc. I think I often forget to appreciate what I have and what is happening around me. It’s so easy to get caught up in what isn’t working or hasn’t happened rather than counting your blessings. I have it easier and better than countless people – but I’m often struggling to accept what has yet to be.

I often joke about “first world problems” by calling them Western Decadence. Looking at my problems as a whole, I think I’m guilty of what I mockingly label other people partaking in. I’m a home owner, I have a girlfriend, a wonderful cat, a job, loving parents and numerous talents. I might not be where I want to be in life right now, but there’s nothing stopping me getting there. It could take longer than expected, and it might be slowed down by defeatism or laziness. At the end of the day it’s all moving in the right direction, even if I do the occasional U-turn.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my rambles.

Ed

[Dahila]

Oh another fantastic post Ed. thanks for the link, We have a huge difference of age but we have more in common that you guess.
At least you are following your dream now.
Your notes about being in work you actually feel like slave, doing what you do not enjoy, it was me in Canada for long 26 years. Till my hubby won the compensation from insurance company and we could relax, I immediately registered the business, rented a booth on market and started selling. I finally could sell my herbal products, and what is more, i have returning customers happy with help I can provide using my talent, and knowledge. From being a young girl i was interested in medicine, but I have PSTD witnessing (as a child) few deaths, I am like a dog get attach to people very easy, and they do accept and like me,
for the last few years I am making sure, I spend a few minutes a day appreciate what I have; beautiful home, very nice car, beautiful grandchild and supporting partner, even in most times he does not understand why I am upset or down. I tried marketing online but it is difficult for me, I do enjoy talking to people and show what I do and what i know. Sometimes I am surprised how much knowledge I collected in years of being sick and trying to help myself with natural healing.
I sell once a week on Saturdays , it is long day over 10 hours,but very satisfying. That's my social life , I can not do more, I quit doing the shows it takes too much from me.
Our world is so crazy that sometimes I completely close myself to any news or interaction. It is too much. The world is exhausting. I think you should follow your dream , I agree with your dad's friend, Do not waste the time.
you are as tall as my ex husband. I like it, Piercing ; I do not have a lot of them but some, They do not bother me, at all. A lot of my customers have piercing and tattoos but in the moment they smile i do not see it, I see kind people. Thank you so much for the beautiful post, You just made my day, I love to read people stories,
A lot of people stop at my booth and I made a lot of friends there, They do not care that i have heavy accent, They want to talk to me and tell theirs story. I love listening people. That is one of my talents. I am a very good listener and I have a good memory :)
I had worked in nursing home for over 6 years, made a lot of friends there, even my heart was broken when someone died, The residents helped me a lot with my English.
Finally I was so heart broken that I found a job in dental laboratory; I honestly hated , Very hard job, and I had accident there when I was lifting dental stone. When there is despair then the solution comes. Works comp paid for my college, and I finally had a few years when I did what I love the most; learning.
Yes learning is something that help me with anxiety and depression. As long as I learn new things I am ok ;)) Wow I should proof reading . but I also need to go to workshop to work on products . Till next post Ed

[raggamuffin]

It'll be two weeks tomorrow. There hasn't been a great deal of change in mindet or general health and wellbeing at this point. I'll admit, there's a good deal more clarity when I'm not living in a fog. It does feel good in some ways, but problematic in others.

Cravings come and go. More so for porn rather than drink or weed. But they all have their moments. Usually short lived and never overwhelming.

Work has been busier than normal in recent weeks and that does take its toll in terms of fatigue and stress. I do my best even though its not where I want to be. There's no sense making life tougher on my work colleagues by coasting along doing very little. Best to have pride in your work even when there's no passion behind it.

I imagine the weekend will be more of the same - relentless gaming, binging TV shows etc and not doing much else. Not exactly riveting, but I will address these addictions next year.

I'm thinking spring is a good time to quit gaming as the evenings will be lighter and I can start doing my fire staffing again after work and maybe on my lunch breaks too.

Glad it's payday on 20th as Xmas is costly. Not really looking forward to Xmas with my partners family staying for 3 days, but it is what it is.

Ed

[raggamuffin]

"Hi, how are you?"
"Fine."

The question is a social nicety - as is my response. In truth I rarely feel fine. At best I'd say I feel uncomfortable; whether this is mentally or physically. There's always a certain degree of exhaustion as well as undertones of doubt, or fear. At the end of the day, we all have our cross to bear, and whilst I have become more open in recent years - I prefer to keep small talk at a minimum as I find it serves little purpose and provides no enjoyment. Through politeness, embarrassment and lack of time - I say I am fine because it tends to prevent further small talk.

I've found I've opened up more in recent years, and with this has grown an inquisitive nature to learn more about people. In truth my conversations can still be rather 1 dimensional and led by myself throughout. Another issue I've found is relating to people's emotions - having tackled and begun to manage my own in recent years, I feel that additional stressors from others is unwarranted and uninvited. I'm happy to offer advice and an alternate perspective - but I feel I mentally shut out and disconnect from what is displeasing. In a way I think this behaviour has some merit. Prior to this, in previous years I'd have engaged and adopted other people's emotions. To not only provide emotional support, but share and carry their burden as my own.

This is because helping others is easier than helping yourself. Providing advice is swifter than following it and assimilating it into your own life too.

I rang my parents today - these conversations tend to be rather one sided as my parents provide updates on people from my past as well as friends and family members who I haven't seen in years. Usually it's a list of achievements of what people have accomplished with their lives. Topics and themes are well trodden when it comes to conversations with my family. They share stories I've heard time and time again as I patiently listen whilst silently begging for the story to end.

I'm asked if I have any news - which, through social politeness I tend to keep very brief. Even whilst living at home, I tried my hardest to keep depression from my parents, because it was a very personal issue, and whilst my home life was far from turbulent or unstable - I lived in my head which was constantly unsettled. Every now and then I'd crack in conversation. Usually this was with my mum whilst chatting. Every conversation with my parents stirs up emotions, a lot of which are more unsettling than when I talk with other people. Sometimes things would hit a little too close to home and I would burst into tears and open the lid ever so slightly.

A brief torrent of confused emotions, thoughts and feelings of emptiness and worthlessness would be projected outward. However, it's a situation that is unexpected and it's difficult to console someone who rarely opens up to you - even if this is your own child. Not long after the lid would be firmly shut again and I'd go back to bottling up everything.

As the years have gone by these feelings have grown and matured in their own way, as have my methods of coping and rationalising the unbalanced thoughts I fixate on. Balance is especially troublesome when my emotions go from hyperactivity and mania to deep depression and despair instantaneously. To make matters even more problematic - social niceties and timidness prevent me from revealing my true self in the workplace. 10 hours a day I'm repressed, and as the years have gone by and the growing despair of working in dead end jobs has grown - I find it harder still to find my footing and balance my thoughts.

So how are you?

I am fine. As fine as can be expected for someone who is living a lie. A job I have no passion or place being in. A person who's friends primarily exist in the online world and who share a mutual addiction - gaming. A past time that's helped me cope with each day I work. Unfortunately, as time has gone by I've grown to enjoy less and less in life. It's got to the point where even gaming feels like a burden and a begrudging expectation than a means to unwind or enjoy myself.

Gaming is strange in that I switch off when the PC switches on. It's not that there isn't a great deal of thought behind me playing video games - but I disconnect from reality as soon as the PC is switched on. On my days off I switch the PC on as soon as I wake up and switch it off before I go to bed.

Come spring my plan is to sell my graphics card and gaming monitor. Thus I have a PC which is incapable of running games. I'll be forcing my hand to quitting cold turkey, as I have done with the recent 3 addictions I've given up.

With no gaming I'll be forced to undertake more productive past times such as my art, photography, staffing and fitness.

I got home in a real slump. It was nearing the end of my drive home when my mum asked me for a second time if I had any updates. She followed up this question by saying: "Well, you're happy at least?"

I suppose it was because a phone conversation is much like an online chat - it can be easier to be yourself or be honest when it's a faceless conversation. I told her I wasn't alright, and briefly described a well trodden path of conversation for me - I'm stuck in jobs I hate and with each passing day it's getting harder and harder to keep up this facade.

I tend to end the phone call when I get home, as I did today. I could tell she wanted to talk more and was concerned. It's not very kind or courteous of me to leave her worrying - which is why I tend not to open up to them.

A problem shared sometimes isn't a problem halved - it's doubled.

Ed

[Dahila]

Tomorrow I will read your two posts, and answer I am too tired to focus today Ragga , I hope you have relaxing weekend :)

[raggamuffin]

I'm on day 21 now and I've noticed some changing thoughts of late.

Originally I thought that no porn was enough and I was 15 days into quitting porn when I decided to stop masturbating as well. I started to feel like imagining your own porn was no better than looking at porn on the internet. I felt just as depraved picturing having sex with friends and ex's from my past. In fact, I didn't picture any porn I'd seen before, as it was more exciting to create my own.

Now I'm on day 21 of no porn and day 6 of "NoFap" and I have to say it does feel more challenging quitting both. During those initial 15 days I found myself looking forward to masturbating and there was the same feelings of disappointment and depression when I finished.

So I decided enough was enough. I won't deny, it's tough at this moment in time. But I don't want to go back to how I used to be - and I look upon those times with an overwhelming sense of shame and disgust. Looking back on 20 years with porn, I feel that I became addicted very early on. Even during those dial up days when the PC was easily infected with viruses and the internet was so slow - the mindset and excitement I felt had me hooked alarmingly quickly.

Realising that depression began to take a foothold in my life around this time seems to coincide with several experiences - porn use, gaming addiction and being told I couldn't follow my dream of studying art at college and university as it wasn't "career friendly."

So I overindulged in fiction - via video games, porn and binging on TV shows and films. I wanted to disconnect from reality because I was making choices and following career paths which were always second best to my real passion which was my creativity. Drugs and alcohol eventually played their part in aiding this desire for escapism until I reached a point where I was fed up and exhausted from this lifestyle.

I still have a way to go and there are other addictions such as gaming, junk food and the internet that I wish to quit early next year. In some way I suppose me shying away from reality was a means to entrap myself in other people's creations. If I couldn't make a living from my own - I could spend my time residing in other people's.

The highs and lows of these past 3 weeks have been intense, especially with no weed or alcohol to cloud my emotions and judgements. Gaming has been my main means of distraction outside of work - but similar feelings are experienced at the end of a weekend wasted gaming as I felt after I finished masturbating to porn or woke up with a hangover - regret, shame and disgust.

Having added a 4th discarded addiction to the list in the past 3 weeks, I feel that I have more than enough on my plate to work through before I consider giving up gaming. I know that it will be done - and I'm intimidated by tackling my longest running addiction that has spanned over 25 years of my life. But, if I can quit 3 things at once and then add a 4th to the list 15 days later, I'm sure I'll be able to knock gaming on the head come spring.

I suppose initially quitting porn seemed manageable because I told myself masturbating was fine. But in my opinion it isn't - there's still that reliance on fiction and avoiding reality. Last night me and my partner had sex, and as shameful as it is to admit - that was the first time I'd had sex with someone and hadn't been imagining I was having sex with someone else in over a decade.

That realisation is profoundly upsetting, but it just goes to show that progress is being made and that I'm on the right track to recovery.

[Dahila]

Ragga do not quit everything at once cause you will not succeed. Just one thing at the time, Every time I wanted to quit more than one addiction I had fail. It took me 10 years to finally quit smoking and it was a fight, When I decide only smoking or rather no smoking is important now, I had succeed :) Keep strong

[Dahila]

why you have to retire from forum? I do not have social life at all so internet fiils that emptiness

[raggamuffin]

I'm on day 29 of no porn, weed or alcohol. Cravings aren't as prevalent. Guilt, depression and anxiety continues to peak and trough. I'm doing my best to keep busy to prevent dwelling on these old addictions. I've joined a FB group that'll allow me to sell my gaming PC components.

I've looked into getting a USB PC to allow me to have Internet access, use of MS Office programmes and to be ae to stream from Netflix and Prime. The one thing it won't allow is gaming.

I'm also setting up a WiFi router setting that prevents going online for more than 3 hours a day. This should all enable me to end my gaming addiction and reduce time wasted staring at a screen in my free time.

Ed

[Dahila]

wow Congratulation, you taking it so well. The guild is another sign of addiction. Good idea with restricting access to gaming. I can lose myself in stupid arcade games for hours, Ragga it is a progress , I think it is huge progress.
When I have this guild and anxiety sometimes few minutes of meditation helps, but the most effective for me is appreciation meditation :)
I am frigging proud of you Ragga, if you allow me .

[raggamuffin]

Day 35. Cravings for substances are few and far between.

Cravings for porn have been very strong in recent days. It comes up once or twice a day, but the thoughts and urges are very strong. This could be due to it being one of the first behavioural addictions I've ever given up, and also the first time I have ever considered or tried to give up porn.

I'm doing my best to keep busy, but one thing I'm well aware of is the impending digital detox which is going to leave me with a large amount of free time. This is another addiction - to my computer and phone. Whether it's trawling through wikipedia, music sites or forums online, or messaging people on social media. Admittedly the main use of my PC is for gaming, but I've found without substances the appeal for long gaming sessions is dwindling.

I've noticed that I'm not getting as many stress related symptoms anymore. Alcohol used to give me upset stomachs and days after drinking would give me dizziness, headaches or general malaise. These have all gone now which is a relief. I suppose quitting both of them has also given me this clear head.

It's also nice to know I can drive whenever I want to, and not have to work out when I had my last drink and if I'm legal to be able to drive my car.

I wonder when things will start to get easier - although this all depends on how much time I squander on the negatives of quitting things, as opposed to the positives of leaving these addictions behind. Keeping busy helps to an extent, but it's keeping busy looking at a screen, and this in itself is becoming increasingly tedious.

Ed

[Dahila]

I can not compare what you going through but my worst addiction were ciggies, I was trying to quit it for the last ten years. When I quit and try not to go back I had so much time on my hands (I had never thought how much time smokiing consumes) I started to build my rock garden, then flower bed on front yard, then sides in garden, Eh I planted so much I have a hard time to keep it in shape. I already made rock garden smaller like half of what i had before, I also have huge veggie plot, The work in garden took my mind away from smoking. I think it helped me not to go back, It is 12 years now
of being ex-smoker.
I do understand cravings I really do

[raggamuffin]

I understand the struggle with smoking as it took me several attempts to quit smoking. In the early days of smoking cannabis I mixed it with tobacco. When I started smoking weed again most recently around 2 years ago, I only smoked cannabis on it's own.

Last year a friend of mine introduced me to cigars, and paired with drinking and cannabis I found cravings were quite high. I must have smoked around 15 cigars in one year. Now that I'm not drinking, I found having one cigar on Christmas day was more than enough. My original intention for a cigar was twice a year - once on my birthday in July and one for Christmas. Now that I'm sober I find all sorts of cravings aren't nearly as bad. My overspending has been reigned in, as before I would go to the shop frequently for drinks and snacks and spend far too much money on consumables.

The past 36 days I haven't overspent. I think I've addressed cravings for fast food as well. Me and my partner decided we'd only have it once or twice a month and a meal out once a month too. That way we're not wasting money on food. 1 dinner from a fast food place can cost more than my entire weekly budget for food - that makes no sense. But back when I was drinking often and stoned on weekends, I needed no justification to waste my money on food other than simply craving it, and not being sober enough to realise my money was burning a hole in my pocket.

Our garden and house are projects I wish to continue when I sell my gaming PC in spring. When the evenings are lighter and I don't have a screen to distract me, I think my other hobbies and interests will naturally come to the forefront of my life. I'm still convinced that going several months without a home PC would be prudent, as I need to cement these new lifestyle choices firmly before I get even a basic PC. Whilst this PC wouldn't be able to run video games, I do think rationing the WiFi access to said computer would be wise, so that I won't waste excessive amounts of time each day on the computer.

Me and my partner were discussing addressing our diets further in a few months and focusing on healthy eating. We're both well read in said subject, and we know what needs to be done. As with anything in a household - this has to be done together through co-operation. I'm hoping towards the end of February should spell the end of the colder weather, which means I can start doing my staffing regularly and exercise outdoors daily. This routine helped my mood and general wellbeing even when I was still subjecting my body to excess drinking and smoking weed. I imagine when paired with sobriety I will feel even better in myself.

Next week I will have passed my probation at work and receive a pay rise. In 2 pay cheques I will have paid off what I spent on my card for Christmas, and finish a 2 year loan 14 months early as well. With my finances stabilised I will have more disposable income for health food and also to get out more and fund rennovating our house and garden more. I suppose quitting in winter was always going to be trickier. The length of daylight is rather overbearing, and the general mood in winter isn't as positive as in spring and summer.

It's hard to say if I feel better or worse this winter compared to others as I can't recall the day to day emotions of previous years. All I have is an overview of how things had been. Being clear headed now does make life feel a lot more palpable. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed, but this can be due to positive emotions as well as negative ones. I think it's best to take stock of how far I've come, instead of focusing what still needs to be done. I can be good at planning but often act impulsively in life.

The first week in January is often rife with talk of New Year resolutions and changes we feel compelled to make. In reality we're constantly changing, and the cliche desire to end or begin something on the 1st of January is a little tiresome to hear. As is the phrase "happy new year" repeated by people who don't come across as very happy at the time. For me, I know that positive steps have already been taken and these need to settle down some more before I proceed to the next changes I wish to pursue. Patience has never been my strong suit, and yet I look at the length of time I have lived with depression and anxiety with a sense of awe at times. It's conditions such as these which have caused me to feel a new sense of appreciation for life. Whilst I can readily look at the bad side or feel overwhelmed by emotions, I also find that I'm much more open to being lifted up by the positives I experience in life.

One thing I'm reminding myself more of as I'm getting older is the value of slowing down. I find my thoughts, ideas, speech, movement and actions are often frantic and impulsive. Taking a step back and taking things in around me is invaluable. Rushing around often leads to half-baked conclusions. When I take my time the results are much more pleasing. I suppose I've been hoping for a eureka moment regarding quitting weed, alcohol and porn. A time where everything clicks - but I know it isn't that simple. I searched for quick fixes for anxiety for a long time, until I realised the whole time I'd been searching, I'd been improving and becoming wise to what could provoke and what would defuse my anxieties.

With addiction I find it both shocking and admirable that I've realised it's time to move on. The time it took and the emotional extremes my lifestyle choices have taken me is quite astounding. This won't be a quick journey into my next stage in life - but I believe it will be my most rewarding as I intend to tackle this with the clarity of sobriety and I intend to spend the majority of my free time taking in the world around me rather than being stuck behind a screen.

Ed

[Dahila]

yeah it is tough time to quit addiction when you are not able to be with nature, Physical exercise will help . Just avoid food you had when playing or watching porn, For me the trigger was coffee , my only craving were where I had coffee, I had stopped coffee for maybe two months then started again without craving for ciggy
You already went a long way, I see you planning everything, just remember not everything will go according to plan be flexible. I wish you a success whatever you do, :)

[raggamuffin]

There is no porn - it's one of the things I quit on 1st December. I will be cutting down severely on junk food in a few months once I've paid off the money I owe. Then I'll have enough for healthier foods. I know that healthy eating needn't be expensive, but I like to have a big variety of foods and lots of wholefoods when I eat healthily - so I do end up spending a lot more on my food budget.

Caffeine is something I'd like to address in the future too as I find I drink too much of it at work and on the weekends it's almost all that I drink and very little else. Simply drinking enough water each day can provide more energy and feeling better - but as with a lot of things it's a habit I know I need to get into but seldom remember to.

Ed

[Dahila]

I am also kind of addicted to coffee, drinking too much of it, but I replace half of my coffee intake with white tea, I love Silver needle and I am getting it on line organic tea, White tea is not ripe green tea, Very tasty and has incredible calming properties, Beside drinking it straight , I do not need anything with it, I like bitterness. It is very refreshing and also calming so maybe you should try. It is more expensive than coffee that's for sure. Water; I drink only reverse osmosis water it is too much impurietis in tap water , for cooking I use filtered one. RO water tastes kind of sweet and so easy to drink :) I do not drink any sodas, just a bit tonic with gin but it happens maybe once in two or three months :)
ragga take it slowly do not quit everything at once :)

[raggamuffin]

I messed up on day 38 with regards to porn. Past few days cravings had been intense. These feelings had been building and I stupidly caved in. Felt worse off afterwards. Resetting the counter back to zero was unproductive to say the least. Guilt and shame was intense and not long after depression hit home hard.

I recall a few posts on Reddit by people saying they'd forgotten their favourite pornstars names - I'm not sure why I found that statement problematic, as a few names and faces remained in my mind's eye and were difficult to blank. Undoing 38 days for a few minutes looking at a few pictures of a porn star seems like such a poor return on investment.

Whilst my timing of quitting porn didn't coincide with a later decision (and failed attempt) to quit masturbation, I think being without both makes the most sense. Using your minds eye to recall or conjure up pornography seems just as counterproductive as watching filmed porn on a screen.

For me, porn was an outlet as my partner's sex drive is a lot lower than mine - to the point where we have sex less than once a month. It's a situation that causes a good deal of frustration in me, for various reasons. Whilst quitting porn brought new found intimacy, it can't change how my partner is with regards to her sex drive.

Going back to day zero is problematic - but I know 38 days isn't bad for a first attempt. The whole thing was an anticlimax and created more negatives than positives. When I had relapsed with smoking or drinking in the past it would lead to a binge. Not in this instance - I want tomorrow to be day 1 again without porn and masturbation.

Knowing what I do now - I can safely say this won't be easy at all. I don't think I'd ever felt cravings as relentless and overpowering as I had done the past few days. No amount of distraction or riding out the cravings would keep them at bay for that long. I'm sure it wouldn't have been a hopeless situation, and would have improved in time. I believe that failing the "No fap" a few days prior to looking at porn today was the initial trigger. Some people on the no porn groups see no issue with quitting porn but keeping masturbation - but I don't believe 1 can realistically be done without the other (at least for me). You're still getting your jollies off fictional situations and fantasizing about something that you're not ever going to be a part of. It's a perverse practice that has been normalised in society when it's abnormal behaviour.

One thing this situation does enforce is the realisation that I need to enact on my plan to get rid of my smartphone and get a feature phone again. Whilst this may not have prevented what occurred today, it may have given me more time to talk myself down from these cravings.

At any rate, the reset button has been hit. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, as anything worthwhile in life isn't easy. This has to be taken as a lesson, and something to build upon in order to give up this habit once and for all. I have to remind myself at least, that porn was the number one recurring craving. Asides from the occasional pangs on weekends, my desire for weed and alcohol has been very tame. I suppose the reading and research I'd done on porn addiction paid off in a sense. They talked frequently about the sensory overload of porn sessions where people's brains were flicking through countless videos and scenes involving all sorts of pornstars that amped up the dopamine to excessive levels. At the end of the day a primate brain isn't equipped to deal with that level of stimulation. Humans are used to a handful of potential mates in a lifetime. Being able to see literally thousands with a few mouseclicks is sensor overload - which is why porn addiction and use can escalate. With that level of choice, scenes and genres become boring when binging on dopamine and an addiction can quickly build. TMI or not - I looked at 1 scene for less than a minute. In a way it was my form of justifying that it wasn't as bad as it had been in the past.

The brain has a way of tiring quickly of all sorts in life. Repitition creates boredom and porn is no different. The main difference is that when you orgasm your brain releases an opiod chemical into your body that is unlike any other sensation you feel in your life. Hence, why normalising porn and having it readily available via smartphones, tablets and computers with high speed internet is so dangerous and can easily lead to addiction.

Lesson learned - this was not worth my time or effort to have given up my progress. I guess I need to stop fixating on the days I went without porn - this needs to be a lifestyle change, not some sort of recorded challenge where I charter my progress day by day or week by week. One thing is for sure, I'm going to have to invest in more wholesome activities sooner rather than later, as all this investing in screen time is really grinding me down. I know winter isn't a great season for depression and mood - but I have got to get rid of my PC and smartphone and start living in the real world.

Ed

[raggamuffin]

Day 43 no weed or booze. Day 0 of porn. It's a shame - feeling myself slipping into that old, self-destructive habit again. I feel like a failure, but when I take a step back I don't feel like I'm back at square one. Since I tried to quit porn back on December 1st I read a lot about porn addiction and got a lot of good advice from Reddit and other forums. Whilst this wasn't enough to deter my relapse, I don't want to give up and I need to push myself to get back on track.

At the end of the day actions speak louder than words. With quitting anything it's not so much action as inaction - don't do it. Don't smoke, don't drink and don't use porn. Simple rules that I torture myself with in terms of the mentality around abstinence. As with substances - all you're left with after using porn is negative feelings which build over time with continued use. I don't need any more negativity in my life and I have to let go of these indulgent and selfish habits. Working towards what helps me in life is a necessity - as is letting go of what has been holding me back and making me feel angry and downtrodden.

On a positive note - I signed up for the work gym. The membership commences on February 1st. It's only £10 a month which is a bargain. With the realisation that I'm going to get rid of my PC in a few months, I've noticed a decline in my gaming time and enjoyment whilst I'm gaming. I've also deleted all the time wasting apps on my smartphone in preparation to be without a smartphone as well. Facebook, Messenger, Netflix, Prime and all my games have been uninstalled. I notice myself checking the phone screen but not unlocking it - as I have nothing to do other than check the time or the phone's battery life. Without all these apps a phone is a phone.

Being free from substances has felt great, but my mood and my general outlook is being overshadowed by the turbulence of this porn relapse. Going porn free after this experience should help me succeed. Next time round, when cravings come and go I'll have my gym membership and will be exercising regularly and moving towards a healthier diet. This might not quell every craving, but these new fitness regimes will help improve my mood and help combat my low moods from cravings. As my interest in my computer is starting to gradually decline, I know I'll need to keep busy when the porn cravings rear their head again. At least now I know that no matter how strong the cravings - the pleasure or relief a relapse provides is a complete anticlimax. There is no sense in giving up on hard earner progress for a glimmer of pleasure. As the short lived positive is quickly replaced with a relentless flood of negative emotions.

It's 2am on Sunday - so Monday will be my day 1 again. Going round in circles with quitting porn feels stupid at this point. I know I'm better off without it and I need to enforce this abstience until the resistence to it lessens and this becomes a real lifestyle choice - and not an imposed hardship. It'll take time before the burden of cravings and the desire to relapse are gone. They may well never be gone for good - but as with anything I've given up, I know the cravings begin to lessen.

Willpower can sometimes seem fleeting and can often pale in comparison to my doubts and negative rumination - but it will become stronger with time. Identifying these addictions and self-destructive habits has been a rather daunting realisation. Seeing how much needs to be done, and realising that I'm the one who has to do it all. I know I'll come across people and information that will help - but I am the one who has to stick by these changes and not give into temptation. As with anxiety - if I didn't exist, my addiction wouldn't continue to exist without me. This is my fight and I need to stop giving into these negative behaviours. Reading and research into addictions is of little use if I don't put it into daily practice.

2020 might have gotten off to a rocky start - but I intend to keep going with these self improvement plans. I've already reduced anxiety hugely in recent years. This has relieved a massive burden. Whilst depression does seem quite overbearing at times, I know that quitting my addictions will go a long way to improving my mood and my general health and wellbeing. This won't be easy - but I'm going to make it, no matter how long it takes to get there.


Ed

[gypsylee]

Day 43 no weed or booze. Day 0 of porn. It's a shame - feeling myself slipping into that old, self-destructive habit again. I feel like a failure, but when I take a step back I don't feel like I'm back at square one. Since I tried to quit porn back on December 1st I read a lot about porn addiction and got a lot of good advice from Reddit and other forums. Whilst this wasn't enough to deter my relapse, I don't want to give up and I need to push myself to get back on track.

At the end of the day actions speak louder than words. With quitting anything it's not so much action as inaction - don't do it. Don't smoke, don't drink and don't use porn. Simple rules that I torture myself with in terms of the mentality around abstinence. As with substances - all you're left with after using porn is negative feelings which build over time with continued use. I don't need any more negativity in my life and I have to let go of these indulgent and selfish habits. Working towards what helps me in life is a necessity - as is letting go of what has been holding me back and making me feel angry and downtrodden.

On a positive note - I signed up for the work gym. The membership commences on February 1st. It's only £10 a month which is a bargain. With the realisation that I'm going to get rid of my PC in a few months, I've noticed a decline in my gaming time and enjoyment whilst I'm gaming. I've also deleted all the time wasting apps on my smartphone in preparation to be without a smartphone as well. Facebook, Messenger, Netflix, Prime and all my games have been uninstalled. I notice myself checking the phone screen but not unlocking it - as I have nothing to do other than check the time or the phone's battery life. Without all these apps a phone is a phone.

Being free from substances has felt great, but my mood and my general outlook is being overshadowed by the turbulence of this porn relapse. Going porn free after this experience should help me succeed. Next time round, when cravings come and go I'll have my gym membership and will be exercising regularly and moving towards a healthier diet. This might not quell every craving, but these new fitness regimes will help improve my mood and help combat my low moods from cravings. As my interest in my computer is starting to gradually decline, I know I'll need to keep busy when the porn cravings rear their head again. At least now I know that no matter how strong the cravings - the pleasure or relief a relapse provides is a complete anticlimax. There is no sense in giving up on hard earner progress for a glimmer of pleasure. As the short lived positive is quickly replaced with a relentless flood of negative emotions.

It's 2am on Sunday - so Monday will be my day 1 again. Going round in circles with quitting porn feels stupid at this point. I know I'm better off without it and I need to enforce this abstience until the resistence to it lessens and this becomes a real lifestyle choice - and not an imposed hardship. It'll take time before the burden of cravings and the desire to relapse are gone. They may well never be gone for good - but as with anything I've given up, I know the cravings begin to lessen.

Willpower can sometimes seem fleeting and can often pale in comparison to my doubts and negative rumination - but it will become stronger with time. Identifying these addictions and self-destructive habits has been a rather daunting realisation. Seeing how much needs to be done, and realising that I'm the one who has to do it all. I know I'll come across people and information that will help - but I am the one who has to stick by these changes and not give into temptation. As with anxiety - if I didn't exist, my addiction wouldn't continue to exist without me. This is my fight and I need to stop giving into these negative behaviours. Reading and research into addictions is of little use if I don't put it into daily practice.

2020 might have gotten off to a rocky start - but I intend to keep going with these self improvement plans. I've already reduced anxiety hugely in recent years. This has relieved a massive burden. Whilst depression does seem quite overbearing at times, I know that quitting my addictions will go a long way to improving my mood and my general health and wellbeing. This won't be easy - but I'm going to make it, no matter how long it takes to get there.


Ed


Hi Ed :)

I’m curious about porn addiction. I hope you don’t mind me asking.. If you get the urge to, you know, satisfy your cravings.. Can you not just do it without looking at porn? Maybe just think about the porn you’ve watched? What is it that draws you to the computer or phone or whatever?

I read a book on the porn industry a while ago. It’s shocking and it’s massive. So you are far from alone. There’s tons of stuff on YouTube about “no fap” and stopping the addiction. I really like Russell Brand and he talks about it in his Recovery book..

https://youtu.be/7yYgfMmLy9c

[raggamuffin]

Today marks day 66. Things remain the same for the most part. Highs and lows feel more intense. I had noticed that some of the stranger habits I have are occurring more frequently.

Years ago I spoke with my therapist at the time about my assumption that me and my brother were somewhere on the spectrum. He asked if I'd take much stock in a formal diagnosis and it left me wondering if I would.

A few weeks ago I began reading into the matter and started to notice a stark pattern. Traits, tics and thoughts that I've kept hidden from virtually everyone were appearing one after another in these website articles and online forums regarding autism.

Something began to click, and so I looked into the process of obtaining a diagnosis. Where I live in the UK there's a 12 month waiting list after receiving a GP referral before you can have an autism assessment. So I looked around private clinics and was shocked to realise it'd cost me over £1000.

So I started looking for the questionnaires and criteria they examined and lo and behold I found many of the tests they use. I did a handful which were created by professionals and in each text I scored very highly for potentially having Asperger's.

Then the same question cropped up - would it mean that much to be to get a formal diagnosis? Reading articles and understanding the tics, traits and characteristics I'd hidden from my day to day life around people felt positive. A sense of closure and solidarity began to form. But I don't need a diagnosis at the end of the day. I have a full time job, I have a mortgage and a long term relationship. Regardless of where I am on the spectrum, I'm getting by alright. I don't want CBT to try and undo who I am as a person, or to take medication to chemically alter my mood.

Researching what I have has helped gain a new understanding. But autism is a life long condition. What's interesting to note is that people with autism have a higher risk of depression and anxiety. So I joined a forum and did something I've never done before. I listed every single abnormal trait, tic and personal defect I had that I felt wasn't normal. I received a warm welcome by numerous people and soon learned that what I considered defects and what I'd hidden from people for most of my life was perfectly normal behaviour for someone on the spectrum.

It's helped me understand why I am who I am. Why I have a lit of strange behaviours and such an obsessive and particular mindset. Why empathy often feels alien to me and why socially I'm quite naive and have been taken advantage of so many times. But it's also shown why I have a creative flair and passion for a select few things in life. It reminded me of a line from a hymn we used to sing at school

"To be understood, as to understand."

Ed

[Dahila]

Welcome back ragga , good you joined that forum, sometimes asking people helps a lot. You are never alone. :)

[raggamuffin]

Day 87

My therapist assured me eventually depression will lessen thanks to sobriety. Right now, it feels like it's having the opposite effect. Substances were used to take the edge off. Yes, they created problems, worries and guilt of their own - but they also has a guaranteed temporary effect.

Living with myself with a clarity I haven't experienced for over a decade is rather challenging. The tics and traits I'd read were on the spectrum are all amped up. I feel more alert and awake in life, but I also have issues with some of the negative aspects of my life.

My patience, sensitivity to sounds, issues with dealing with annoyances, my anger, my anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts are all firing off a lot more frantically than they have in a long time.

On the Autism/Asperger's forum I joined someone asked a profound and upfront question - what is preventing you from committing suicide. On that forum for people on the spectrum it's clear a large number of them are struggling on a daily basis with mental health.

Whilst suicide is not exactly an easy subject, I found the openness of the people quite refreshing. Just in general it's a nice forum. There's no down rate option or trolling etc. A lot of active members and good advice to be found.

I guess the problem with suicide is that as soon as you mention a real thought, like that, people freak out. Now and then I reveal a true and unfiltered thought and people lose their shit.

I did it the other week, the guy I get on with best on our team was off for 4 months with his fibromyalgia flare up. He came back for a week and was rushed to hospital on Tuesday. He's a good guy and whilst nobody deserves that amount of bad luck - I said to kristy that I wished it was the temp who was hospitalised and not him.

She told me that was dark. It was, but that's one of hundreds I have a day. Unfortunately being sober I feel darker thoughts are more prevalent. It's nothing dangerous or anything. I'm not going to hurt anyone or do anything illegal - I just don't feel good, especially in myself.

The temp is an odd one. We have a lot of similarities and yet everything she does or says makes me cringe, or feel angry and uncomfortable. I've not met many people like that in life - someone that you simply despise. Usually people like this weren't nice people and so my reason for disliking them didn't feel so riddled with guilt. With the temp, they're not a bad person. They're immature for their age, but the big issue I have is that they don't stop talking at you and the subject matter is always complete drivel.

Anyway.

Suicidal thoughts have been daily since a teenager. So, seeing that forum post did make me ponder what reasons I had not to do it.

The reason I haven't is probably cowardice on my part.

I don't have the courage to live my life how I want to. Similarly, I don't have the courage to end it either.

I understand the view that suicide is selfish to the one's you leave behind. But I also find grief around death to be a selfish emotion. People torment themselves with nostalgia or guilt around what they could or should have done or said when this person was alive.

I remember speaking with a GP not long after my nan died. He said everyone at a funeral who cries is doing so for their own mortality. Quite a blunt statement by all accounts, but I get it. Death makes you reflect, we all know it's coming one day, and losing someone close to you makes you ponder how and when your end will be.

I suppose suicide has a comfort to it in removing that question of how/when death will come by taking the matter into your own hands. I used to view suicide with contempt, and shared the view that it was selfish or cowardly. In truth, they have more courage than I could ever hope to muster.

Ed

[Kirk]

A number of years ago, a friend of mine committed suicide. He had left his wife for a younger woman. He was around 50 and she was around 25. He had twin teenage daughters from his first marriage. He lived in northern Maryland and had a home in Florida. His marriage started out good and he had a child with his second wife. Things began going south and he said his wife became very demanding and began to badger him. She started spending large amounts of money and they began to argue. One day he called me in my office on a Tuesday and he sounded very frail, distraught and old. He said he could not deal with things anymore and left things at that. That Friday, he shot and killed himself. Very sad indeed.

[raggamuffin]

I think one trait I find especially difficult is how self-centred I feel. Depression feels selfish, and in a way - self made. If I wasn't here, my depression wouldn't continue to exist independent of me. But the biggest issue I find is lack of empathy. Apparently it's quite common with people on the spectrum. When I read articles regarding it, I felt less like a monster. But it's something I can't really be open about that often. People react to death or love and I feel absolutely nothing.

A woman on our team at work has lost 2 people close to her recently. Everyone apologised and seemed to feel sad for someone they'd never heard of up until that moment they were told they no longer existed. I didn't have anything valid to say - so I said nothing. I know that it's traditional or expected to feel remorse when you hear someone has died, but I don't.

If I realise I'm expected to feel something, I force it and pretend. But I keep it brief, because lying feels awkward. The same goes for love. I've dated numerous people. There's happiness and there can be obsession at times - but love? The phrase "I love you" feels utterly meaningless to me.

I suppose this could be depression once again. Slowly but surely my hobbies, past times and enjoyments in life are fading away. Things I used to relish I no longer find any fun or happiness in whatsoever. I think drinking and weed helped keep some things alive a little bit longer. Even doing nothing whilst buzzed had an air of enjoyment to it.

Now I'm sober. Sober and alone with my thoughts. Going through the motions, trying to force things to feel fun. Trying to convince myself that anxiety and depression will get better now that I'm not relying on artificial emotions or happiness.

I don't know - it almost feels like I felt more when I wasn't sober. Now I'm facing relentless clarity and it's daunting.

Anyway, sorry for going on. Thank you for sharing that story with me. I take some comfort in the notion there could be something on the other side of life. I'm not convinced it's as clear cut as religion, or as bleak as the atheist perspective. But I guess only time will tell.

Again though, thank you for sharing.

Ed

[Kirk]

Here is what I have hanging on the wall in my office near my desk:

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't quit.

Life is strange, with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
Any many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out,
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when its seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
That you must not quit.

[Dahila]

For many years I was doing the tarot readings. So many people who were thinking about suicide actually committed it, Nothing could help. After loosing probably 11 th person on the road, I stopped, I had stopped doing readings for people. Not to this extend, I do this only from time to time. What I had learned in the years, was to protect somehow myself. It is easy to feel sorry , but not so easy to be truthful about your feelings. Your gp Ragga was right,
Crying on funeral is crying for us, for the end of us
I do not think suicide is a cowardice , no it is not.
Suicidal thoughts. Well all my family were obsessed with it till late age.
My mom survived nazies and Dachau concentration camp and she was still thinking about suicide ; for years. I stopped considering it 14years ago, when my grandchild were born, I knew she will need me. she is in life everyday :)
Love; I am so old , I thought that I had loved so many times, but still can not describe love,
Loyalty, friendship, kindness, is that love?
Ragga I am probably talking to myself using your thread as excuse. Nevertheless , I am happy to see you with us, 87 days..... that's a long time and you still doing it, I am proud of you , :)

[Kirk]

My father (may he rest in peace) came here from Poland with his father right before WWII and many of his relatives got killed in the concentration camps.

[Dahila]

My father (may he rest in peace) came here from Poland with his father right before WWII and many of his relatives got killed in the concentration camps.

yes it was tragic, so many lifes lost So Kirk you are 50% polish :)

[Kirk]

My father and his father arrived at Ellis Island New York and came to Baltimore. My grandfather was a shoemaker and he passed away at a young age before I was born. I was named after him. My father had some WWII items and he never really talked about Poland, even when I asked him. He also had an accent. My father used to say, never look back, just look forward. My father never graduated high school and was a meat cutter. He used to work 7 days a week and was always tired. He passed away in January 2013, at the age of 93. In fact, the period September 2012, through August 2013, my mother, father and uncle all passed away.

[Dahila]

oh they had a difficult life :( I am sorry for your loss Kirk

[raggamuffin]

Day 111 - this is in 2 parts as I hit the world limit for a single post

No weed or alcohol. I've yet to try quitting porn again after relapsing on day 38. I have used porn a lot less and I do find it a lot less appealing being sober. Cravings for substance are sparse and when they do appear they last a few seconds before I focus on something else and move on.

The expecation that sobriety would help anxiety and depression lessen might have been naive in terms of how I expected it to manifest. There wasn't some miraculous moment where things clicked. Without any substances to soften emotional extremes I felt that living with a clear head was causing new problems. What I've started to realise is that whilst I have no way of filtering the intensity of my emotions - it does feel easier to restore a sense of balance when I am in the midst of an emotional extreme.

I'm still living with daily aches and pains and for a long time I was extremely bitter about the duration and timing of these symptoms. In my mid 20's my 2nd panic attack led me into many years of health anxiety and constant aches, pains and symptoms. Now I'm approaching 34 I feel that I'm less fatigued, both mentally and physically with these daily pains. Understanding a stressed mind leads to a stressed body isn't as simple as reading a statement and assimilating it into your life. It took a lot of practice and determination, and still I find pains and symptoms will peak during times of higher stress.

You could say now is the perfect time to be having all sorts of anxiety related pains - and yet, compared to a lot of people around me; my stress levels are fairly minimal. I stopped reading the news 4 years ago, and with current events are a perfect example of what happens to people and their moods when they're oversaturated with negative news. The only stressful part to this situation is hearing the constant news talk at work - I don't want to hear it. Unfortunately I'm not allowed headphones at work and we're in an open plan office. There's a few doom-mongerers at work who always read news stories aloud and never have anything positive to say on a daily basis, even before this occurred.

Thankfully we're now working from home 2 days a week, so the distraction from co-workers isn't so much of a problem. Unfortunately my partner works in a food shop, so she's stressed by customer's and their rudeness. She doesn't read the news either - and that's what's ironic, we're not scared of a virus; we're just getting stressed out by people. This situation is proving that common sense isn't so common. In recent weeks I've actually felt happier than I have done in a long time and this is a stark contrast to a lot of people at work. Some have asked me how I can be so calm and I tell them - I don't read the news. A world full of other people's problems isn't mine. If something affects me directly - I will be contacted directly.

So, what has my coronavirus experience been? I heard of it, so I checked the CDC - read the info and saw the statistics for someone in my age range. Nothing scary there. Next thing I hear is last week - a text from my local doctor's saying that if I have symptoms, to cancel my appointment at the end of the month. Sensible - not scary. Then 2 work emails, one saying no handshakes and the other saying to wash your hands when you enter the building. Again - nothing melodramatic there. Finally, we get told they're doing a half n half work from home and in the office with a skeleton staff.

So how am I not freaking out about it? Because I don't read the news. The news focuses on the bad stuff - new cases, new deaths, stores running out of things, looting, chaotic political decision making etc etc. Once again - it boils down to a world full of other people's problems. There's no sense in me carrying that sort of burden around with me: I can't fix the world. Now, I'm not prepping or going into fight or flight mode and buying out lots from shops so I can bunker down at my house.

Life continues as normal, and in fact - in recent weeks I've been happier than I have been for quite some time. The benefits of sobriety, whilst subtle, feel like they're affecting my life more. Also, it shows how far I've come in 5 years from my health anxiety. Had I been living through this situation with my health anxiety I'd be having a daily meltdown. I would be self-isolating and stocked up on every thing imaginable. I'd be chastising my partner for continuing to go out and socialise and probably be having multiple panic attacks a day.

Thankfully, I've moved on. I'm reminding myself of what's within my circle of concern. It boils down to what I can affect and change in my life. So the next few months I'll be working on my savings. It's my safety net for any "what if's." Next is to realise that the people who are scared right now are the one's doing what I spent years doing - they're fixating on and terrified that they're unable to answer all these "what if's" whilst reading daily updates on the news which are reinforcing their fears and making them worse.

I'm pampering my partner more. Taking time to help her reduce her stress, as I know she had been enjoying this new job because it was less stressful than her previous job - but now, thanks to the rudeness of certain people, she's finding it harder. I try to remind her these rude people are just scared, and vocal about it. Yes, in an ideal world people wouldn't be selfish in these situations - but a lot of people are being triggered by our mammalian brain's survival mode. Hoarde food, seek shelter and stay safe.

My parents are both at high risk should they get CV - again this would've been a source of constant worries and "what if's" a few years ago. Now? Nothing to be honest. I think I was more emotive when I was abusing weed and alcohol. With sobriety there has been less empathy in many ways. My emotional and logical thoughts feel even more separated than they used to when I wasn't sober.

Taking time out - I'm finally doing that more at work. I'm realising when I'm feeling triggered, which is by noises right now. When it feels uncomfortable I take 5 to make a coffee or just get away and sit in a bathroom stall for 10 minutes. My therapist and the reading I've been doing about the spectrum suggest that sensitivity to sound could be exacerbated or caused by wherever I might be on the spectrum. I'm still not convinced I want to go down the road of a formal diagnosis.

[raggamuffin]

The temp has left our team - that in itself has reduced stress hugely. However, when she left, I found my mind was still honing in on voices and noises I disliked. No matter how loud or chaotic the noise in the office could get - I can filter out and focus on a particular noise which I can amplify and provoke my anxiety with. We discussed this and other triggers in recent therapy sessions and how I've been practicing mindfulness more in recent years. She's helping me realise that I've been untertaking a lot of self-help and methods that have their roots in mindfulness to challenge and tackle my triggers, stressors and anxiety.

Grounding - for me this is the time outs from the office, but whilst making a coffee and Anne Franking it in a bathroom stall for 10 minutes helps me de-stress a little - there is one thing that relaxes me every time. Behind work is some woods and lakes and next to one of the lakes are some benches. A few months ago I had my lunch sat at one of the benches. Normally I eat quickly and then move onto something else, but after I finished my lunch I sat and stared at the lake. Taking in the sights and sounds of the water, the different water birds swimming and flying around the lake and things like the wind in the trees and the cars driving in the distance. Taking time out felt so restful and engrosssing.

In recent months I'd go on a walk every lunch break to get away from the office, and especially the temp. My favourite part of the walk was always the 10 minutes or so through the woods, compared to the 30-50 minutes walking down streets and hearing traffic and seeing houses and clutter everywhere. More recently I've been going on walks in the morning after I was told I wasn't allowed to do any more over time at work. I still get in an hour or so early to beat the traffic, but now I go for a walk to spend less time stuck indoors.

On Wednesday I walked through the woods and sat down by the lake. For 30 minutes I stared at the lake, seemingly blankly. Towards the end of these 30 minutes I realised something - I was feeling a deep sense of calm. When I walked back I took my time and felt real relief. When I was in work I heard the usual CV talk and panic and it washed over me. I focused my attention on my work when I heard conversations starting up that I didn't want to hear. With intense focus on my work I found that the background noise became fragmented. Rather than sitting in silence and trying to block out aggrevating noises, I found myself feeling calm and enjoying my work.

So I went back on my lunch break and spent another half hour staring at the lake. My chest felt tight - so I didn't feel as at ease. But towards the end, again I felt calmer. Yes, I had aches - but my mind felt calmer. Again, I went back to work and got on with my day with a lot less stress and anxiety. Then we got told we'd be working half the week at home, people started packing things to take home as some are "at risk" and wouldn't be coming back to the office. Towards the end of the day people were getting sentimental, saying their good byes and things like "good luck". I got a few comments on how I looked - recently I've been wearing a smile on my face throughout the day. My resting face for most of my adult life has been one that when people meet my gaze they look unsettled.

I suppose this journey with anxiety and depression has had me experiencing and practicing things I'd never thought possible or necessary. Walking around with a smile on my face seems trivial - and yet it has an impact. If I meet someone's gaze I often see their face light up. I walk down the street and no longer stare at the floor with a scowl on my face. I take in the world around me and meet people's gaze and enjoy the sites around me. I'm trying hard to limit the time and energy spent with negative thoughts and feelings.

Perhaps things are starting to click. Yes, I can still get overwhelmed at times, sometimes very easily. But I'm able to turn things back onto a positive track a lot quicker. It's a strange time to feel like I'm making real progress with my mental health, when the world around me seems to be collectively sinking into a state of anxiety and I'm finally feeling a lot less restricted and disempowered by mine.

[Ponder]

Forgive the intrusion if you will. Just saying I feel very similar regarding your last couple of sentences. (in fact - quite a lot of what your have said) Glad your sensing some form of stability amidst the chaos from both within and out.

Hats Off to all your efforts in fostering and maintaining a resemblance of stability regardless of current events and most of all, pre-existing conditions.

I like to think I understand your struggle, although of course from another angle.

Again ... srry if my saying so, is considered on intrusion.

All the best.

[raggamuffin]

So I'm past 200 days sober now. In August I’m looking to begin therapy sessions again. These will be the 3rd lot of sessions with my current therapist. Out of the 4 I have seen over the years I feel like this one is my 2nd favourite. Ranking them feels a little obtuse, and yet I am glad I’ve found another therapist who makes me feel at ease. My first two therapists didn’t feel like a good fit for me at the time. I’m sure they have helped numerous people, but for me, it didn’t feel right. That’s not to say I learned nothing – I’m just a very particular person, and most people don’t appeal to me. When I consider a therapist, and the amount of personal information and emotions I will be sharing with them – I can’t be as open to someone I don’t feel a bond with. Unfortunately, my favourite therapist works too far from where I live to make it feasible to have regular sessions with him again. In terms of location, my current one is by far the best as she works from home and lives in the same town as me. Her house is in a nice area and is well presented. The room she works from is relaxing, with dim lighting, nicely scented and with a wall that is furnished with numerous bookcases and books, as well as very comfortable seating. I had intended to restart my sessions once things had calmed down with the lockdown. I hope by August there will be no restrictions preventing me from having a therapy session like I used to - in a room, sat less than 2 metres from my therapist.

I feel like I'm on an endless search to find ways to help myself feel better. Another never ending process seems to be my overthinking – which leads to increase in my anxiety and depression, which leads to more overthinking. I’m no stranger to vicious circles, and whilst some have been broken, others seem to only be temporarily stopped before they start again, either on previous form, or in some newfound way, shape or form. Whilst trying to find ways to unlearn ways of thinking and harmful habits I’ve undertook various new routines and regimes to try and reduce stress and improve my outlook. So many books read, notes taken, forums joined and posted on, medical essays read, Dr’s and therapists seen - all in a bid to try and challenge negative beliefs and thought processes. Whilst my story with anxiety and depression continues to grow, retelling the same tale to each new Dr or medical professional becomes increasingly tedious. As well as acquiring knowledge and lessons from books and online I’ve always spent time researching and undertaking lifestyle changes such as exercise, diet, regular sleep patterns and working smarter in the office in a bid to reduce stress. Everything listed above feels like a sensible and proactive approach to making improvements and yet it hasn’t been as fruitful as I had hoped. I seem to approach a lot these days with a degree of distrust and impatience. I know I can’t expect quick results, and yet I often fall foul of feeling disheartened. Or with my all or nothing approach, something new can quickly become an obsession and when I inevitably burn out, I look back on it as yet another failed exploit.

Over the years of research, I encountered so many stories of people who seemed to have eureka moments. Whether this was through sobriety, exercise, diet, proper hydration, yoga or meditation – they stated that the benefits and improvements they saw were profound and utterly changed their lives. In the early years my search was rather desperate, and I began these new regimes with a somewhat unrealistic expectation. I searched with a belief in a magic pill or a certain lifestyle change which would push aside my long-standing issues with depression and anxiety. As time wore on and each new, haphazard undertaking failed to live up to expectation or provide any relief, I gradually fell into a dangerous mindset – “This is me now.”

I became convinced that stress was integrated in my life and my mindset. In doing so I fear that has allowed it to underpin my life: convinced that I am little more than my diagnosis. It’s not to say I’ve given up – I continue to challenge what affects me negatively. The problem I find is that I instinctively think one way, and then have to go out of my way to contradict myself – it all ends up feeling like a waste of time that burns me out and gets me nowhere.

Years of medication proved to me there was no magic pill and the side effects were something that unnerved me. Over a decade of substance abuse revealed I had to approach life sober if I wanted to feel less guilt and fear for the future. Years of therapy showed me that whilst good advice can help brighten my outlook – there is a baseline of negativity that I seem to default to in life. Whilst people and experiences can lift my spirits; I feel almost like a tethered balloon – my mood can only go so high, and it’s constantly being weighed down and tethered to my negativity. For years now I’ve been approaching life with an instinctively negative outlook - towards my career, my friends, my family and even strangers. Whilst instinct feels like a split-second reaction – I rapidly build up this thought or feeling with a flood of overthinking thoughts, feelings and questions. Before long I become overwhelmed. Each new experience and person I met I portray my typical social mask: shy, polite and unassuming. I’ve tricked numerous people over the years into thinking I’m a laid-back person. In reality, what seems calm on the surface is deeply unstable underneath. Much like a volcano – which may appear calm, solid and unmoving on the outside – but inside there is a constant churning of magma and the potential to have a devastating and explosive outburst. The emotion of hatred is so intense that it is highly situational for most people. There is no reason to encounter someone doing something perfectly normal and instantly criticising and despising their very existence. It could be what a stranger does, says, or how they look. It feels abnormal to be and think the way I do. Feeling so angry all the time is unnerving. I suppose it’s a logical and progressive step after years of internalising my stress. It’s gone from being caught in my own bubble of fear and worry, to being projected outward – albeit silently.

At times these feelings seem to exhibit a pompous sense of self – as if I feel above the people who I constantly criticise in my head. In reality, I wonder just how confident I could ever be – with all this overthinking, a moment of pride can be shattered in an instant by my own thoughts and misgivings. My self esteem is volatile, much like my emotions: intense highs and lows with no middle ground to be had. Regardless of when I feel worthless or pompous – I never feel normal. Recently at work I’ve been using headphones, in a bid to block out the background noise of people and conversations which would cause instantaneous and overwhelming negative emotions. I thought that it would reduce my stress and encourage productivity. In terms of my work – I got all caught up with everything in under 2 weeks; something I hadn’t achieved in 11 months of working at the company. My mood, however, has started to deteriorate. I suppose it’s because I’m now stuck in my head and there’s a lack of conversation to distract me from myself. Sitting in silence – seething. Looking at people around me talking, chatting, distracting, laughing etc. Wanting to be a part of it and yet wanting to be apart from it. It feels like there is no pleasing me – what I enjoy can be instantaneously torn down. I see people guilty of what I do, and I chastise them for what I’m fully aware of is a defect I share. If someone complains all the time, I hate them – and yet I know full well I complain all the time, I just don’t say it out loud. So, what do I dislike in them? Their negativity? Their opinions? Or their confidence to verbalise what they feel inside? I feel like if I was verbal and forthcoming with my feelings, I would have even fewer friends than I currently do, and I wouldn’t be able to hold down your typical office job for very long at all.

The problem with bottling up so much is that my patience is on a knife edge. To those who I’m most comfortable around – I can snap over a seemingly minor inconvenience. However, even when I break, it’s not a meltdown – it’s reserved and tethered. A short, sudden exclamation before I push it down once again – apologising for what I just said because of the uneasy atmosphere is has left and the deep and burning shame I now feel. Guilt and shame are also big players in my day to day life: I just can’t seem to catch a break from myself. I know the problems lie at the core, with my beliefs which are what I project and reflect on in day to day life. If you have a house with a weak foundation causing cracks in the wall – plastering over the cracks isn’t the solution; you have to sort out the root cause, otherwise the cracks will continue to get worse over time.

From the books I’ve read and the people I’ve spoken to – I keep encountering methods and ideas to challenge my negative mood and beliefs. Whilst I may instinctively approach life with a negative outlook, I can direct my mind and creativity to counter negatives with positives. However, I wonder where I’m supposed to be left and what I’m meant to feel after all this? Much like a debate between 2 people with opposing beliefs, their thoughts and opinions seem to become more entrenched in their ideals. I guess when I deliberately undermine my beliefs with opposing one’s I end up feeling stuck in the middle.

Hit word limit - see below for the end.

[raggamuffin]

So, what do I do? I escape as best as I can. Avoidance – it’s not a cure, it’s plastering over the cracks. Headphones at work, lunch time walks through the woods and meditating by the lake. Getting away from the stressors to give myself a moments peace. At home it’s the computer and video games – distract myself in a bid to shut down my constant overthinking. Emotionally, I feel so full up. For years now it feels like I’m on the brink of having a breakdown and needing to cry my eyes out, but I never do. I continue to bottle it up, keep trying to roll with the punches.

I know all this negative thinking is a waste of time and it’s emotionally and mentally draining. There seems to be only one constant enjoyment I find always uplifts my spirits – being outside. Nature and animals never fail to make me happy. Still, much like my negative emotions; my happiness is volatile and overbearing too. Then again – it’s not as if I can cut off from society and live amongst nature. I had long considered a job that would involve minimal contact with people and being outdoors. A lot of these seem to involve destruction of nature – rather than encouraging it to grow. Such as gardeners or tree surgeons – which I know would play havoc with my feelings of guilt and shame if I was to destroy animal habitats to make way for man made and aesthetically pleasing gardens.

Pain is a big player in my day to day life – alongside the overthinking, the hate and the guilt. Every day I'm aching and it hasn't stopped for 10 years. Sometimes I sink into a feeling of justification for my anger – because of how I feel. Yet, I know these are pains born of stress. Back to the analogy of the house with the weak foundations – these pains I feel are the cracks in the walls. The pains are forever changing and evolving in location and intensity. Feeling rested is a spitefully fleeting sensation. I sleep too much, or too little and its luck of the draw if I wake up feeling OK or in intense pain. So many tests, Dr appointments, hospital visits, chiropractors, massages, exercises, yoga - you name it, I've tried it.

So, back to my original thought – it’s time for therapy again. I feel stuck in a rut once again. I look back and see progress: in terms of reducing anxiety and panic attacks. Even reducing daily pains to a certain extent. Then there’s sobriety; something I wrestled with for years. I was convinced that would be my eureka moment: unfortunately, this was not the case. Having spoken to numerous long-term recovering addicts, it seems like it’s a necessity that may never provide the sense of relief I’d hoped for; it’s just better than feeling the constant haze, fear and guilt of being an addict.

For now, whilst I wait, I have a few more self-help books I’ve bought. Read through, make notes and meditate upon what they say. Their words are always so concise and uplifting. Often feels like good advice gets lost in translation or doesn’t hold up to the barrage of overthinking and scathing criticism it must endure when it comes toe to toe with my mind.


Ed​

[salvator here]

HI Ed..

I also feel I feel stuck in a rut once again, going around in a hamster wheel it seems.

How are you doing?

Understand the guilt thing. I relapsed in June after a year and 2 months sober and I do beat myself up for it. In reality though, we just get up on the wagon again I guess. It hard sometimes when everything is going wrong at the same time to stay sober. Have those fuk everything moments and give in; know that all too well. However we must praise ourselves when our slip-ups don't turn into benders.

Anyways..

Your posting hit home with me I guess and I felt compelled to let you know you're not alone at all.

Hope you'[re doing better and take good care.

EDIT:

Just read the posting above and realized your 200 days sober now. Congratulations :)

[raggamuffin]

303 days sober

Unfortunately I feel like I've stagnated in life. Work is the same processes day in day out. The lack of stimulation and challenges has led to increasing boredom and depression. I had one person here who I got on with and he left. Now I sit in a room full of people I can't relate to and don't enjoy the company of.

I listen to the small talk, conversations and jokes every day and I can't relate to them. I've been feeling down for so long, at this point I feel angry all the time. Outside of work, I have no friends in my home town. Socialising mainly occurs online and it isn't enough. Whilst there have been moments of socialising this year, I miss getting on with people in the workplace.

Every job I've had I found several friends which helped break up the monotony of the day to day tasks. Not having that in this job speaks volumes and my mood has plummeted in recent months. Evenings and weekends aren't long enough to mentally recuperate. Job hunting proves fruitless, even searching multiple times a week brings up nothing.

Symptoms are very bad again and 24/7. Skin is a mess, stomach hurts all the time, chest pains and tenderness, muscles ache all the time, shoulder issue lasting months, I wake up with crippling neck pains and I have headaches lasting days at a time. It's a shame I've taken a backwards step with symptoms, I haven't had 24/7 pains for years - but it just highlights how bad my mood has got.

Before lockdown I found therapy was going back to previous form - me saying what I know they wanted to hear. The rational, and optimistic side of me. It was my own fault I suppose, whilst there were sessions where I was very open, I gradually began to close again.

These days it feels like pessimism is the regular emotion, along with depression. It's rather overwhelming at this point. I wake up sad, I go to work tired, I get to work and sit in a room full of strangers and feel lonely. I work and don't talk all day. I get home exhausted and spend my free time escaping reality through video games or TV etc. The only thing I enjoy in the day is sleep, and my hour lunch break where I walk through the nearby woods and take photos.

I spoke with HR last week about my depression and thankfully the HR manager could relate as she has bipolar. They're organising an Occupational Health Assessment and they can possibly cover new therapy costs. I also finally got a letter for my referral from the Doctor's for an official Autism and ADHD assessment. Now it's just a waiting game until I have the appointment - it could be a very long wait.

I'm getting very little satisfaction from life - especially work, and I'm slowly enjoying my free time less and less. Evenings and weekends no longer seem to excite me, and I'm feeling miserable most of the time. I feel like a burden for my partner and my family. I want to share - but I know how quickly opening up about depression can bring an audience down. After 17 years with depression, I feel increasingly guilty and selfish. It seems hard to justify this condition considering I have an easier life than billions of people.

Sobriety seems to have provided a "eureka" moment for many. I read numerous tales of it being a life-changing event. For me, it has proved more of a hinderance than a benefit. Much like therapy, exercise, diet, medication, meditation and mindfulness - I haven't found any striking, awe-inspiring changes to my depression and anxiety.

The HR manager suggested trying hypnotherapy. I suppose it couldn't hurt. Still, it seems that if I do have Asperger's or ADHD - these are lifelong conditions, so I suppose there'll be a glass ceiling on improving my life. With sobriety I'm noticing a lot of behavioural traits and tics have erupted to the surface and it's becoming increasingly harder and tiring to mask all this stuff at work and around the public in general. I can only be myself when I'm on my own or around my partner.

This year I've read a lot about the Autism and ADHD and I finally felt understood, and less defective and strange. Still, knowing it's a life long condition means I'm a bit dubious around what an official diagnosis will bring. I read the lists of behaviours, thoughts and traits and I ticked virtually every box - that closure seems like enough? Would I feel any better in myself having a 3rd party assess me for a few hours and give their seal of approval? Could it hinder more than it helps?

Living with this constant physical discomfort is difficult though. It adds to the misery, and unlike symptoms that were born of anxiety, when caused by low mood - I struggle to help myself get better. When I slowly accepted symptoms born of anxiety, I gradually reduced them as I reduced my anxiety. But years of depression is draining. I'm so mentally tired at this point. I know there's strength in living with this every day, but with a constant baseline of futility and negativity; it's hard to feel like I'll ever break free of that.

Whilst depression never seems to let go, anxiety continues to improve. It's no longer a constant daily issue, and after those years spent exposing myself to what made me most anxious - it slowly had less of a hold over me. Sure, if something stressful occurs - I still overreact emotionally, but I calm myself down quicker. The once daily panic attacks now occur perhaps 2 or 3 times a year at most. I suppose that's the best I could realistically hope for. It's an improvement, so I'll take it as a victory.

I don't want to be medicated, but at the same time I ask myself would I prefer a shorter and happier life, or a longer and more miserable one? Since I was 18 I was indulging in substances. After 300+ days sober and at the age of 34, would I be able to justify going from illegal substances to self-medicate, to legal one's? At the end of the day, is it right to chemically suppress genuine emotions and sides to my persona?

Either way, one thing is for certain - I'm miserable, and it's getting worse.

Ed

[salvator here]

Hi Ed..

I read everything, and I'm sorry things aren't going well for you.

Well at least the anxiety is improving, even thought the depression isn't. Yes, depression does indeed manifest into physical symptoms, for me it does as well. It is draining to go through this every day. Waking up sad is hard. Some days I do too, usually it's because of poor sleep though.

That's great you're better able to calm yourself down quicker from your panic attacks - do take that as a victory.

I hope you don't have to wait too long for that appointment, and things will somehow improve for you in the not so distant future.

Take good care.

~Sal