Philosophical Musings + Diary of 'My' Experience

[Ponder]

PhilosophicalIntro:

I thought If I leave that my life would somehow improve. Well, no change there. (chuckles - actaully it did - hopping it stays that way) The same old string pullers and sheepish puppets seem to be everywhere. If I have come to seeanything clearly since trying to escape, it's that my frustration comes from my own resistance/s. This plays into the esoteric concept of reflection with the solution to that in the shedding of belief systems. The irony for me is that most negatively impacted always think it's someone else or some other group. The world continues to sleep ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz.

Yes, I am returning as abstruse as ever. Don't ya just love it. : ) Much will be repeated, but always in a different way with new meaning. Such is how evolution works in a back waters world. But before I take stock in that … time for an breakdown on my most recent experiences.


Recent Experiences:

I'm not one for events. Writing from that perspective seems to be overly opinionated (rife with bitterness), yet writing from one's own experience yields more of my true self as oppossed to what others would have me think. The episodic nature of my existence as its been has led my last bout of climbing out of - yet another hole; a rather physically enduring experience. Whats New! (Chuckles again) My neck pain has returned with crackling similar to my loudest shoulder. Whilst sometimes after being in the sun I feel good cracking from side side, I have to be very careful as if I crack to far to my left, I fear I will literally break my neck! Locking it up is the most painful experience I have yet had. The long and short of that experience is how that has led me in a new transition when entering into the ups and downs of my ever continual cycles.

WORKING? You know how much I hate that term. Such a toxic ideal when used in terms of this world's most valued commodity. $$$ In terms of this worlds least valued commodity (Humans), I am still doing what I like to do. We have given away 5 computers now. I am back into computer refurbishing.

https://www.facebook.com/goodwillcomputersherveybay


I still like my hobbies. That is good. I share more in here re my latest PC builds another time. A companion FB page I made to complement the Goodwill Computers Page. It's a place where in the end I was able toget another 2 individuals to join me in MineCraft. Fun fun fun - in new worlds not like this one :)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/computerchitchat/

PC GAMES– Yea, I have since added to the collection with a couple of new ones. Nothing too big. Some gifted, some not.

FOOD –pleased to say I am back eating clean. I'm also just being and not doing when it comes to that. This being part of that transition Ireferred to earlier regarding how much pain I am now experiencing.

THERAPY – No longer seeing a clinical psychologist and have yet another completed diagnosis from a Psychiatrist. I am done after 8 years of full time psychotherapy. I went every 6 weeks all those years with a couple of months of here and there. It's another storythat is probably worth sharing. The Psychiatric intervention whilst providing reports like a means to an end is also something I hope to end, well at least for as many years as this (correction 'MY') world will allow. The constant proving of one's worth in that realm is as toxic and plays into the world's current climate. BUT that all said, I am now receiving a new form of therapy. Instead of clinical – it's what many refer to asholistic. You know – the stuff only rich people get. (Back to chuckling)

Of course it's being billed as clinical. The last thing our society would want, is to be receiving help that actuallyheals. My God – imagine that! Actually getting better would would be no good for our world's thriving industries. Society would collapse. We can't be having that. We must all cling to our labels; we must stay sick! For most – it is preferred, as to get well means letting go of all that suffering. Were would we be without that? I know –it's a lonely road; I can tell you that. (Smiles) Giving up suffering is like giving up drugs. The latter you don't have to behomeless, Xcon and all that. Of course if you instantly associated such terms with the word drug, then I would conclude that means your as deeply hooked into this world's decpetion.

Off to work we go – high ho, high ho - off to the voting box we go –high ho, high ho and on and on As if one's contribution in these areas means one is oh so important, so special. People could not be more deluded,yet that delusion works so well. The ultimate deception of string theory where the puppet actually thinks it's real. Waking up bites! It offers real freedom with the potential for less suffering. No need to worry about whose in power when you find out just how much more one really has. Matters not who is in office or what laws they make when you give such deception no attention – those things no longer exist. POOF – you create you own worlds. Thus is the meaning to how we create our own pain – our own opinions … like all our bitching. Social Media loves that shit like we love ourselves.

6Kg down and skin all repaired – steady as I go. I'm purging again – to be sure – to be sure. In my new world - I fit not into that most people toil. To whine, to nowwhine – that is the question. The way in which I hold my thoughts is what makes me me. I'm holding up good enough for now, with now being where it is. So much conflict with those who cross my path which no doubt comes from my own reflection … but in this I confront what I must and let others go as - they must, whilst being true to what is me? - so that when others continue to whine I may nolonger sap it up. This world still sucks and I am yet to see this version of “Oh how great it is to be human.” *&^% No – I doubt I will ever subscribe to such a notion – yet I am still wary of what I choose to believe. Belief itself something I find as limiting, yet has the potential for freedom no matter how other sperceive. Being self deluded in a deluded world means believing in one's self, Vs being controlled/asleep.

Now to go outside and practice working on my reflection – with some work, I can makeothers disappear. Laughs Out Loud. Whatever works right? But only I can know from my perspective. I do not subscribe to this notion that even if we are all one, that there is this inherent need that we must all be sniffing each others bums. Laughs again. Far from it. I see no purpose and am find with that - OR – that our purpose is to have no purpose. I do what I do because I want to and it makes mefeel good. (even if that is to suffer) That is all there is.

I know what it is like to have no desire – desire is like fire – but yet a perquisite to existing. Lack of it means to be dead (which in this world can be an attactive thought - yet in that moment desire can come where one is able to now be as opposed to not) I will pay that word desire as much. In clinical terms it is the essence of recovery yet that latter sign post onethat's forever twisted. Who is broken? Was I ever really broken? Am I in need offixing? … and on and on. I'm done with all the psycho babble –mental masturbation – analytical thinking. I leave the logic to my gaming and even then I would much rather adopt a more intuitive approach.

KISS– Keep it simple stupid – Get Up – Go outside and great the Sun. It will not bitch and whine about the latest TV and BS Social Media Reports – It simply does not give two fucks. Now that's afriend worth knowing.
Disclaimer - I don't know shit, but I am switched on and care less if I don't fit!

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

If you don't like living in the past or beleive it's made you who you are today and depressed over that - then try the following concept to let go, find out who you really are and move on:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LqA9hOpCPk

[Ponder]

Cut & Paste. I like this write up and will extend on it more as a frame work for my own letting go:
_________________________________________________

Another perspective, is that an ideal world would drop the concept of money so that the need for a job would no longer exist. Then one would have all the time to do as they wish. There would be no need to foster purpose, positivity and motivation as the need to thrive would be completely unnecessary. Once it's realized that we can have all we want without believing in ideals designed to limit us, then greed would also no longer exist.

We are what we say we are. We all choose the paths we take. But it's much easier to believe there is a larger system that has our best interest in hand. Which is why most people subscribe to working, thriving and endlessly searching for possy wossy feelings. It's how we are kept reliant. But we don't live in an 'ideal' (a deceitful term itself) world. Instead we live in one that creates ideals with the 'soul purpose' to keep us all in a perpetual state of fear always feeling needy and dependent on others. This keeps us vulnerable to deceptive ideals/individuals and events that seemingly exude positive vibes, compassion and love with the promise to give all that one desires.

So whilst completely deluded and having no idea we are in a prison without bars, we instead think we are players who have meaning either going off to work wishing we had more. Worse is to beleive because you don't have a job that you don't deserve to exist, whilst those that have see themselves above others that they themselves consider to be less. Such has always been and is our indoctrination that we refer to as ideals.

Before you can dream, muster and or create a so called 'ideal' world/existence, I propose that we would do far better to identify how it is that current ideals keep us from thinking and feeling for ourselves. How ideals are designed to keep us trapped. Focus more on how it is that deception works like a wolf in sheeps clothing. Keep the masses feeling inferior, fearful, shameful and all that. Make them like a mass of dazed individuals racing for the bright light also know as a bug trap. ZAP!!! That light is the wolf in sheeps clothing. To extend it further I would not call it Satan or some other wizz bang culturally accepted version. It's more or less and extension of someone who the victims voted in - agreed to.

Agreements. You see it's very important that we all agree to be the people whom we see ourselves to be. This is how traps are made and sold off as ideals. There is nothing more convincing than an agreement mixed in with a herd mentality. It's in the way we are set up psychologically (fear based) - the way in which we are influenced with personalized stories that leave us racing to that light of agreement. Yes I am not worthy, Yes I can do better, Yes I need you, Yes I will bow down and play this game.

No this explanation is not derived from a conspiracy as too, like the word ideal, the term conspiracy is used to demonize the truth. What's important is to understand how it is that 'We are what we say we are. We all choose the paths we take.'Once you fathom the importance of that and how it relates to controlling the collective, THEN - there are options to use the same brainwashing techniques to let go of all that BS and instead, make the most out of nothing.

NOTHING! - This is what meditation can help us achieve. Gives us the head space to see things as they really are as well as the fortitude to fall away and embrace the void so often used to keep us in a state of fear. Meditation when enacted upon without making it an act or trying to achieve is the very opposite of all that we have been taught. This is probably why most of us fail so miserable when entering into such a practice as it's been marketed today.

Unfortunately I think very few people will understand what I am trying to say as so epic is this worlds dysfunction. But that's OK - I know what I mean. See it like so (fathoming) is the only way I can make less painful choices the give me some kind of solace that then help me create what I term as moments of peace. I have many many certified labels that require renewing from time to time. However, I do my best not to identify with those complicated diagnoses. Instead I do better to fathom just how much power I still have left and how much it needs not anything that this world and it's society has to offer.

There is nothing wrong with US - there never was. It's just easier to keep us believing in such things.
'We are what we say we are. We all choose the paths we take.' I have always struggles with choice and said so many times in here. Perhaps better said for those of us that have been molested, raped, beaten, tortured, that whilst such evil can massively impact us and effect us for a lifetime to come, that ultimately in the end we still choose what we are to become. That in itself should be enough to move on, but the addiction to victim-hood is played upon with our glorified ideals - thus keeping many of us in that state of fear. It's a merry go round from there. The possy wossy's on one side pushing it to the victims who in turn then push it back to the idealists who are both. It keeps spinning round and round until the day ones finally had enough. Sadly for some, they will never get off. Thus hell on Earth.

I won't even it like that though. They say there is hope. You get to come back. heheheheheheeeee

Just meditate and go to the void!

Good Luck. ;)
__________________________________________________ ____

That being this mornings meditation. The void is looking good!

[Ponder]

Here ya go ... something different and straight to the point:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4b6YbMbkso

[Ponder]

I guess if your wrapped in yourself and your world's pitiful affairs, you will of course resist what was on offer above. I love Roxanne's style! Am now happy to spell out the stigma that plays my world and have little time for the BS in others. I have not even begun to watch enough Youtube yet. Let the search engine roll!

Have a nice day folks.

[Ponder]

Doesn't matter who you vote for as it all amounts to the same thing. So stop worrying because nothing you do at the ballet box is going to change a thing. When it comes to egocentric ideals, you and your counterparts are simply not as important as you think:

https://youtu.be/rapVOIeQzuQ?t=131

"https://i.ibb.co/4gPp8FW/sheeple.png

[Ponder]

Up at 4:30 am this morning and feeling ready for whatever the day brings. Today I know what day it is. :) I should really go greet the sun but it's still not an easy process as I am still sensitive to the hustle and bustle, even so early in the morning. The walkways are so close to the road and despite claims of better fuel emissions; they still stink. Alas, I put on my noise active earphones which do a pretty good job. Thanks to NDIS! I guess I can consider that a good compromise. I chuckle at that thought pondering on how the system filters out the byproduct in order to make their toxic system work. Sigh - I had a very close family member attempt suicide the other other day. Not sure I have time to write about that. That I leave for another day. I guess I could touch on how I am trying to get through life while others so close to me want to end theirs. I totally get where they are coming from. Thankfully their attempt, although ended up in a hospital stay, was more a cry for help than anything else. The crying for help is such a painful experience when in the end you come to see that the only one in this world that can help is oneself. Of course when in such a painful state, that's not so easy to see. I had to put the breaks on and remind myself that with my brother already gone and now the possibility with losing a child, that the only way I could go on was to accept the only person I can affect is myself. The term influence is full of so much BS.

Everyone thinks they can affect the person next to them and whilst there is something to how energy spreads, thinking that I can control others in a world so designed as ours ... is truly flogging a dead horse. When it comes to our own family you could not get anymore manipulative. That is to say taking on all the negative aspects as projected from our society and then using them to influence those closest to us. It always makes me remember how I had my kids sitting at the table all holding hands and praying before we ate. Like standing around a statue glorifying the sacrifice of some poor sucker in any of the previous world wars. Take your pick. Standing on parade as a little one with the headmaster giving his nod for the national anthem to be played. Laughs Out Loud at the total BS of those words. God help anyone that stands out of line. Absolute total bullshit! ... and it still is very much the same with how the masses walk around to the tune of their phones notifications. The world is full of so many fucking idiots.

Sigh ... that last part a good call to leave mine home as I head out the door to go and discuss the rest with the sun.

Still eating clean. As much as I too want out - I don't like the pain so doing what I can to alleviate my own. Today I have a session of energy healing followed up by my last physicist appointment; supposedly I get the comprehensive diagnosis. That will be it as far as the clinical side of things go for at lease a few years. Until society wants me to affirm I am still sick. That comes down to how powerful agreements are and how closely aligned this world's control mechanisms are to that of all those outer-world experiences. Let's just call them conspiracies to keep the sleepers reading on from becoming unsettled.

[Dahila]

I hear you D. just letting you know that I am listening.

[salvator here]

Same here Ponder, I've been reading everything, I like what you said concerning meditation - "Gives us the head space to see things as they really are as well as the fortitude to fall away and embrace the void". I need to remember to embrace that blank space and appreciate the silence.

Even though I don't post as much lately due to my own struggles I've been dealing, I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.

Take care and I'm glad you're back.

[Ponder]

Thank you. That's very kind of you both.

Whilst I have not returned to actually sitting and making a dedicated time for the mediarise social and digitally marketed perception of meditation, I have been obtaining head space with my walking when not buzzed out with all the traffic and negative energies of others.

Think I will go for my morning walk now.

Thx again.

[Ponder]

Woke up at 4:30am - Going for a walk/jog walk/jog now.

[Ponder]

I'm at a loss for words really. It's always in a few more months "that will be over ..." It's true enough that in about a month from now I can write more open about the shit going on in my life. I have not even begun to express just how chaotic life has been. This is the longest ever in my life I have been pegged down. Generally I am good at bouncing back re my episodic cycles. The psychiatrist still has one or two more visits to make it a thorough report. Complications already mentioned re another family member I beleive is going to be taken into the whole family history ... yadda yadda. It's the way it should be really. Sadly the privy laws of today segregate vital information that could otherwise give a much clearer insight into system instability/illness. I mean it's hard enough with basic GPs getting it all wrong due to privy BS ... extending all the way down to authorities keeping family members apart/at bay in order to heard them easier - again - yadda yadda. ZZZzzzzzzz hopefully I sleep well tonight ZZZZzzzzz. This psychiatrist seems to agree and appears to be genuine when making attempts to do a propper job. As well as sincere in seemingly not in agreement with how things be. The local Mental Health putting too much pressure on kids with blood tests and all that - yet on the other side of the coin - deception reigns on both sides of the fence. It's mainly the way in which front line people push their policies onto sufferers/victims as in treat them more like criminals and exploit more so than actually assist. In this I totally get it why so many people want out of this life. Right now though ... being so close to home and struggling myself from day to day and to many enforces standing over our shoulders with this and that pending ... well - fuck it all ... My wife and I need to prep for the worst on all side ... yadda yadda ... just another month ... need to hold out.

Another two laptops being donated to our cause. Doing well with all that.

OK ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Night night.

[Ponder]

I do not survive and from my perspective I can see that many others in society do not. No one survives suicide or when others in the family kill themselves like so.

Time for me to go (makes sounds like a devil) - and inflict some pain on myself in order that I forget my pain.

I'm talking exercise of course.
________________________

Note to self - DON'T FUCKING LEAVE YOUR THREAD! STAY THE FUCK OUT OF OTHERS. You no longer have the capacity and nor the will for ongoing BS. Just keep your head down at write in your own spirit and leave others be. You like the way you do with avoiding people on the street - yous should too - do the same in here. What the fuck were you thinking?

Fuck living and fuck surviving.


Instead just let the shit happen and do your best to be. The pain comes and the pain goes - what will be will be. If you want to suffer - then just do nothing - Life will surely induce all the pain you can ... and can't take.

I choose to grin and whilst lately its more my demonic self - fuck it feels better out than in. If I choose to do nothing ??????? - why would I choose to do nothing ????? No one really chooses to do nothing as do nothing is a choice and thus if making a choice is still doing something? It's making a choice whilst no doubt in that act blaming. So in doing nothing one can be making choices whilst typically blaming ... usually others.

Fuck the world I am going to lay in bed all day? Yea that is how it works ... then on with a self destructive fucking woes me it's everyone else's fault. Fuck it - I take all my pills and kill myself? Yea - no one survives that ... even if they live. Every day is a waking hell whilst we all go on dismissing each other. We are experts at dismissing others. Most people do it today under some BS nicety and so called level of intelligence. A world for of fucking trolls who say one thing but mean another. Best to just let them do what they do so well.

Best stay under my rock for some time yet.

Although feels for others who understands where I am coming from and cares about not being understood.
_______________________


I am still yelling at fuckers who can't keep their dogs on a leash. Just yesterday morning I was spitting out my bottle of water at an approaching dog. I later just about doubled over in laughter watching it take a dump on the very spot I left when vacating the sports oval like I usually do at the sight of another human been. I leave it's master to carry on picking up shit. Such is everyone's life. The world is full of trolls.

I smile to think how I have zero tolerance for such fuckers. Currently I embrace my demonic side in order to come out the other side so BS Zen Guru with adverts at the ready with a skype account awaiting a long list of clients in order that I manifest abundance and money. hahahahahahahahahaaaaaa

Fucking idiots.

Time for me to go hurt myself than meditate.
_____________________

No I am not threatening to kill myself and then blame you. I love myself too much for that. I don't blame others as I know this world is nothing but a prison ... but I admit I hate the essence that exist in others whilst doing my best to ensure I don't come back. If I am to one day achieve some deep down inner acceptance that I can find a blissful state of nothingness - then I must embrace the demons in others. Sigh ... yes I do beleive that is true.

Like how I hold that "Fuck what others think" attitude. Like I can still have it, but have to be careful how I hold it so it that the negativity in others does not set my own off. Learn the art of controlling emotion which is why I am back to dumping now as I do.

This is why we all need our own threads.

Lesson learned today ... stay the fuck out of other peoples space. Time to cut connections in that regard. As was how I affirmed yet fuckers just can't let others be well alone.

Sniffs out the BS once again. If this rings a bell for you ... then best to leave well alone.
______________________________

Go hurt yourself Dave ... you know what you have to do. Fuck surviving and fuck living.

Oh but wait ... Be kind to yourself - pop a pill and do nothing.

Which is it? laughs out loud.
_______________________________________

Smiles - You know what to do. Sigh ... Just go do it. Next time ... don't let yourself go. Need to write up on how to suffer like a pro.

Again - Fuck surviving and fuck living. Just do what you know how to do ... and learn to enjoy doing that well.
_________________________

Was that worth it? Yes it was? Delete it? Nar fuck that - You can handle that truth no matter if you know you don't know it and you absolutely know that your done with what others think.

You have your space and I will have mind.

Let them have their space and I will have mine. Done deal.

[Ponder]

I am cutting my face book connections now ... so no offence. No need to PM me either. Just leave me be in here while it lasts. I think is best this way. Nothing lasts. We all die and die many times and keep repeating the same shit. I do not beleive the same as others do - I want to move on and that's not going to happen while I keep connections even with my loved ones. In fact that is the shit that kills me everyday. I have to find it ... Gandhi talks about it ... can't remember where I read it.

Anyways - no offense. I still BS myself in here ... but I think it is time to cut connections and see where that leads. I need to move on. I do beleive I can still do it from under this rock and actually continue to write about it.

It's a big decision - but I good one I feel. It will feel like a bitch to be sure ... on both sides ... but I am done with those attachments.

I sever those connections now.

[Ponder]

Laughs whilst reading this later in the day. That's a good boy D. Keep pushing those implants out.

[Ponder]

Super tired - which is good being early in the evening as it is. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Less sun today but enough - ended eating more - but also was a lot more active today. End of story - chapter 2 tomorrow.

[Ponder]

Jesus Christ! I am sore as fuck! Laughs out loud because in some sadistic way I know it's for the best and that It's not going to work for me unless I do it all again. hehe. I wonder what I will be doing today down at the holistic healing centre. It was actually her that last told me to keep on check on how I would be feeling after she was pulling implants out of me. The latter her words, but ones I pretty much understand. Implants being likened to programs that are embedded every hour of every day into all of us on this wonderfully fast expanding cement rock; called Earth. It really has been a battle to plant my feet in terms of grounding and find myself without others impeding on my space. It's good to be writing like so once again, regardless of the need to break connections.

I feel like I have blown off enough steam - yet I intend to keep traveling like a piston powered engine cruising while the going is good. I'll sit with my own inertia soon enough.

I got contacted by a well known poplar group administrate that wanted my wife and I to meet them so they know what makes us tick. His words. Not the best worded invitation which kind of has an air or pious tone to it. Yet one could see it as a compliment with others wanting our new Goodwill Computers venture to grow beyond what it is. Currently that is the more positive stuff going on in my wife's and I life right now. But given my labels as defined the experts (Autism - Social Phobia - PTSD with Chronic bla bla bla & now adult ADHD) it was easy for my wife just cite a few of those whilst respectfully declining on that grounds that we do not want to overwhelm ourselves and are happy with the amount of good that's already come and is coming about. I know they mean well - but it's always the same with us humans ... always trying to be more than we already are. I am glad my wife stopped me from meeting up like so ... for others to probe us and find out how it is that we tick. I am still bemused at such an invitation. The more I thought about that wording, the more I did not want to go. Point is ... that little venture with giving away refurbished computers is doing well. At least I am helping a lot of people with regards to that. Mostly disabled people like both my wife and myself.

Disabled ... Hmmmmm ? Not a word many would like to attribute to anxiety conditions, yet it's not the anxiety but the level of dysfunction that comes about. We all have our own ways to cope and view such limited ability. I much prefer to take those words and redefine them but more so in terms of also understand how doing so is just as limiting. Re - To define is to confine; but we humans are all insanely compulsive when it comes the need for control.

OK - I am ready to gently warm up my body and then stretch out all my knots. To be sure that's going to take a few more days of pain ... possible the next week whilst gently driving those pistons at they must.

I wish I could have html control of these forum posts. That would help to slow me down some.

OK ... I got a lot to do today. Going to help cleaner as well. Inspection tomorrow ... but we will be ready.

Looking forward to talking about suicide and how mental illness oozes through not only families but also our communities. There is the conspiracy approach, but I can just as good tie it all into more accepted main stream dogma. I enjoy talking about such things ... but right now still removing much of the daily programs that make there way though.


Stay strong ... but also is OK to stay weak. The latter not preferable, but sometimes have to let it be in order to breath and regain strength. They cycles are perfectly natural in my book. I get it ... I just don't have the capacity all the time to take peoples BS. Alas - I do care despite saying I don't

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

Opening Notes:


For The Permanently Affected & Rejected – How To Suffer Less in Our Decaying World.

A spiritual perspective from a permanently affected and rejected individual attempting to make sense in a senseless world. Trying to find heart in a heartless society.

A no BS perspective on Soul Reclamation that does not air to novelty new age linguistics. Exposing the evil that masquerades as love and light. More over, a deep personal soul searching journey that unveils the deception of our most inner worlds. The discovery of how it is that we are unconscious prisoners to a system that thrives on the certification of victim hood status to keep us as eternal slaves.

Revealing the truth between conspiracy insight and conspiracy crap. Learning how drama sells and why we lap it up.

All of this and much more, but delivered in a context that aims to help hard core permanently affected and rejected individuals. To be certified insane in a so called normal world. For the nutcases whose words fall on deaf ears. For those of us, who in the end are left senseless and speechless. How is it that we reach such states and most notably, how and why it is ... that our primary goal is to suffer less.

(The pros & cons of the comfort context and a lot more on all aspects of suffering)


More to follow soon ...

[Ponder]

Just messing about with finding topics to write about. Fact is that I am not currently in a good head space to flesh it out. I see that is no reason that I should not try. I'm back to learning HTML and CSS from scratch. Hence the toying with topics. I need to splash in more hope amidst all that. It does seem like a hopeless situation, but then sometimes we are at are best when all is lost.

Perhaps I should write more from the angle of why I struggle with so many terms otherwise used to paint hope. Not from a perspective of saying how it is or telling others what to do. To write with confidence whilst allowing lack thereof. Allowance in terms of accepting without giving up - letting go - to surrender without losing in a world bent on winning. Yea ... that sounds less painful to be sure. Certainly room to grow aiming in that direction. BUT - how to sum all that up in a title that allows for said growth? Hmmmm

[Ponder]

No need to wait for the final hearing - The shit has hit the fan and now we are cornered into having to step in. Not a decision wanted to make. In that light I can start to write about the shit that people don't want to tell. For me, it's always a case of better out than in. I truly feel sorry for my daughter despite all the ammunition being drummed up against her. This collection of information to tear her down has nothing to do with the best interest of her child, but more to do with the ego's of everyone involved. That there sums up the essence pertaining to the term justice when regarding this failing system; that so many winners are quick to defend.

Nothing to keep back any longer ... but to be sure a story to be told. If you don't like it or feel it takes up to much space, then take your own advice with sticking to your own posts. You can be sure we will never be speaking (or I responding) to you ever again.

[Ponder]

Still working on severing those relations. It's meant to hurt. That's the point when whilst others dish it out with their own ignorance - pain is what they offer despite their shallow attempts to make up for the compulsiveness of their egos. No more being the door mat and allowing myself to be easily led.

As for the meat and potatoes of my drama filled story called life, I am not sure I am am quite ready to munch down quite yet. This is where I find esoteric writing to be more effective. No doubt why for all my limitations, this is why I find myself more attracted to writing like so as a more fitting experience of letting go. I often referred to such a format as 'freestyle' as it really really has no format at all. One of my latest supports at the holistic healing center calls it channeling. I kind of laugh thinking about that now as typically I would think of most channelers as feeding the ego for their own gains, lest they be complete deluded - but who is not this day and age? Nevertheless I understand more now what she means.

In order for me to return to such freedoms, I need to unblock the BS that I have allowed to get in my way re this forum. The next test will be to reflect other peoples ego, with that quest being with a silence of my own. Taking those last few words and now making it my soul affirmation for today's intent that will be the last I mention on those blockages again.
__________________________________

Today I continue working on my body. More pain to sift through in more ways than one. But for now I work on the physical and latter in the morning I do both emotional and spiritual with my new paid friend.

[Ponder]

______

The night time is addictive. Silent. Tranquil. You and yourself.
Then comes morning.. When all of the bastards in the world wake up and create noise.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgApT3VHtZY

___________________
_____
_

The top being a comment that rings so true, despite my efforts to sound oh so humble during those times I have heart. Of course that has not been an ambition of late. Irony in how I find all aspects of such toxic words to be just that, but yet I still use them subconsciously. That is to say I have no care for the word ambition as I do success. On the contrary, I am right beside my daughter with her latest self destructive quest. I only wish I could be by her side; that she would let others in. She too no doubt understands the above comment that rings so true.

Well - not sure what to say really. I'm thankful that my parents could come up with a few thousand so we could lodge an application to intervene with the latest proceedings. We have never wanted to stand in between our grandson and our daughter as we can clearly see how much a victim she has been to all sides of this oppressive system. Her 'un-diagnosed' traits (+ certified) and her own resistance to be seen as broken has made her journey hard , just as my own predispositions and my own resistance has impacted/s all those close me. This is how energy flows.

We would do well to acknowledge how an individuals dignity is beaten through the process of domestic violence and seeing one's child abused. I need not pull up the photos as it's all still very fresh in my mind. Then through the resistance, typically embodied in bitterness and depression, bad choices are made that yeild the full force of controlling systems. The later with next to no compassion, in fact it too, typically follows on with it's own form abuse. This often referred to as victimizing the victim. We humans are all ego when it comes to such traits. In fact that process defines the competitive nature of our society and our existence. I guess I am trying to come up with examples that prepare me for the upcoming scrutiny by the powers that be. No doubt the lawyers of the 'other' victim will be looking to discredit and dismiss. Of course being not a criminal case (although criminal acts have been investigate and found re the father, mother and child) - the act of cross-examination whilst behind a veil of professionalism, will still be an act of tearing breaking people down.

How will I prepare myself for that? I guess knowledge in this case is a good thing with some work on myself in between. They will have the background on me. In fact they will have some very recent reports that were done by numerous mental health professionals regarding my current labels. This is a good thing really, as all those reports spawn from compliance, my own choice to utilize services intended for support and stability. In this I know well how the game is played ... and YES ... in this world our existence is but just a game. Back to the definition of winners and losers. Sad to say.

Additional costs will be between 10 to 20 thousand dollars with little change of legal aid (subsidy) We do not have enough and not do my parents. Unfortunately my wife's parents just disowned her with claims that our daughter destroyed their family. That's another story. On that note, I don't know how my wife does it. Her condition whilst it taxes her very much - well - she is the definition of resilience. Without her we would all truly be *&^%ed! Thankfully we have defended ourselves more than just a few times. If it so happens we get no legal aid, we will tackle this latest drama with the same determination we have in the past. For all my distrust of the system and so called professionals, my wife seems to like my daughters solicitor. She seems to be understanding and talks to my wife more like a human being than any dealings in our past with said lawyers. It was my daughters solicitor who line us up with another. Although not encouraged, they will be working together. The updated report of the Independent Child Lawyer also seems to favor us at this stage pending a new hearing.

If I were not to write a book and complete this post so I can get in my much needed morning exercise - It would go something like this:

The latest plan is to take in our grandson full time, look for a bigger house where our daughter has agreed to move in. That way there will be four certified disabled people supporting each other whilst a court case goes on in the background wondering what decisions to make. The grandfather being certified with mild autism, adult adhd and a host of other PTSD related symptoms deemed permanent, the grandson with autism level 2, the child's mother and our daughter certified with borderline personality disorder (variant of PTSD) with major depressive disorder + ongoing diagnosis - AND then my wife with primary progressive multiple sclerosis. My wife has been told by another lawyer that they would step in and take the case regardless of us not having enough money and or whether we get legal aid. I'm told this is because our situation is becoming a land mark case. If so - this is not the first land mark case I have been involved in.

Is hard for me to keep focus now. I know that through all this dysfunction that I met my wife when I was 22. I am 50 now. My son told me the other day that he is proud of both myself and my wife for having stuck it out. My wife/ his mum, being recently disowned is what brought that comment on. I think how that comment reflect much of the resilience we do have for each other and how it is that we once again gravitate back to a single point under the one house - that is if the authorities allow our daughter to move in. If they don't - it's going to be very hard for me to take the stand. How could you keep someone out in the cold when they are most vulnerable? I try not to think on that - but will deal with that when and if the time comes.

There is a lot of good that has come out of my affected family - but right now I have to prepare for the picking apart that our society is well known for - it will never accept it's part in our dysfunction, but instead look to blame each and everyone.

I don't need to change my mind set on that - Just the way I think and accept it is all. It is what it is - My wife and I + all our kids can see that for what it is. The choices we make thereafter are but the ones we have to live with. That bit of info only seen from my own perspective and quite painful when seeing others who care less for such insight. Still plenty of choices to make though. I focus on that.

Admittedly I am struggling ... but have plenty of support in place and doing what I must. I will be ready for the wolves. New inspiration to lose weight and fit into yet another suit. :)

Slow process - but I am getting there with my fitness. Both physically and mentally ... despite what you may read in here.

This place is but just another one of my tools. One in which I let out what I must, so that I can face the bitter irony of our so called - imperfect world.

[Ponder]

Such is life - we shall do all we have to do to protect each other. If there is to be a purpose, I guess that is ours.

Enough said.

[Ponder]

https://i.ibb.co/BLgQLD3/pupet-2.jpg (https://imgbb.com/)



OK - I'll put that on the back burner for a while and let that sit, whilst I turn my attention to something of another topic. Finding motivation is a very personal thing which is why I one again care less of what others think. Finding what works for oneself is key. If others not close to you object (not inherently connected) get in your way of recovery [lack of a more appropriate term]/stability, then it is best to cut them out of your life. Inherent connections are commonly broken this day and age via new age doctrine that often refer to soul contracts. In this light I am very careful what I choose to beleive. In fact most of the challenging, radical concepts I post about are not something I beleive. I don't beleive anything that I do not experience for myself. Even then, my own experiences can be hard to fathom as is. In my own pondering I often trip and contradict. That's just part and parcel of deciphering in a deceptive world, to which that 'I' have come to see. Although I say I, I would bet that latter is an actual experience that most of us can agree on. Thus far I am highlighting the words 'see' and 'feel' rather than feed myself with main stream stereotypical responses that further deceive with an agenda that's commonly meant to separate. The racist and bigoted kind you that unfortunately have to endure on FB, posts that are designed to alienate groups. Those that thrive on political banter do the same thing sharing opinions with an air of self importance. It is how our world thrives and whilst many claim not to be sheep, just one quick look on FB reveals just how puppeted they truly are. The context of all that?

Well when you realise you don't want puppets for friends - it sure can be tough staying motivated with only yourself left. So it is that I am back to square one - with finding out, How To Stay Motivated With Yourself?

Couple of points I need to work on with this in regard - 'You Are What You Think?' Often used to dismiss the circumstances of others [puppeteering] when highlighting how destructive our thoughts can be; yet a very powerful tool to enable oneself. Then there is the contrasting and or complementary point of, 'Be Careful What You Believe!'
Those two points often come to my mind of recent and very strongly when I attempt to bounce back within my episodic cycles. Disinformation definitely reigns with current lifestyles as a whole further impeding on people's ability to take control. So whilst I am more entertained to date with most of the 'stories' within the would be disclosure movement - coming back to a more simpler or just plain personalized take I think is a good place to sit. Just as with all the other stuff - going on - I will to put that on the back burner and see if I can write my own thing. To be sure the sifting of all said information and that which has rung, will no doubt play into my perceptions.

Will I choose to think this way or that because it feels more comfortable?
Will I choose to beleive this or that because it feels more comfortable?

I %100 see and feel how that can be a trap. Yet - and I mean YET ... keeps plaguing me ... that there is something to creating my own reality if need be? How to truly disconnect from a world bent on 'feel good numbers?' As in demonizes individuals so people end up gravitating into groups with large numbers. Think of clubs, fads, movements down to political parties all with a mob mentally.


How to truly disconnect from a world bent on 'feel good numbers?' and not feel so alone.
__________________________________________________ ___________________________________

I know~! Seek out others who feel the same without the need to create a group or profess this or that. Stop talking about the others?

Hmmm ... now that's going to be tough.

Yet I think it's true. It amounts to the same thing as blaming others.


Let's see if I can avoid people with a little more confidence today. Note - that whilst motivating myself, I do not succumb to the clinical push to integrate with others. That's very important if one does not want to become a puppet. Yet the this compulsive need for resistance needs to lightened until there is no resistance. To freely walk by myself without any need whatsoever for joining other groups. How to be with others ... well that does require acknowledging the toxicity of our world ... as in how to be in but not of the world.

I will chose to continue working on my self ... my health ... my self care, but I will also continue to work on detaching from society until such a point it no longer is a topic. For now it does motivate me. The only difference is that I will no longer be side tracked with puppets.

Have a nice day. :)

[Ponder]

On that note ... lets see if I can leave the puppets be. 18/11/2019

[Ponder]

I have to start taking notes otherwise I won't be able to live with myself knowing I did not do more to intervene. Hopefully these posts can help us deal with what we must. I also try to take some of the pressure off my wife to assist with making pivotal points re the solicitors drawing up affidavits and overall general approach. We might even have to go in by ourselves if and when solicitors are unable raise certain points due to whatever constraints.
__________________________

*In relation to our daughters recent suicide attempt, we ask the court to consider that although our daughter may have preexisting un-diagnosed (recently dx-ed BPD & now under psychiatric assessment pending dx for court hearing)conditions, to consider the high level of PTSD resultant from both previous partners abusive behaviour. That this behaviour warranted a domestic violence order, and additionally an event which was investigated by both police and child welfare depts, for the marks left a sixteen month old child who was then on an overnight visit with the father.

*That not only these events factoring into our daughters degradation but also the ongoing court proceedings which has resulted in much denigration and scrutiny over X amount of years (time) - that all these events have not only contributed to our daughters suicide attempt but dramatically impacted her mental health.

*It's worth noting the events aforementioned mentioned,are the actions or her partner (who has his own history), also with the long drawn out proceedings being outside our daughters control. (Althougha repeated statement I leave it for your own rewording into the onestatement)

*The fact our daughter called the ambulance suggests that she wants to live.

*Also note that this attempt and a previous questionable call out, all took place when the child was not in her care. It is on these facts/considerations that we say our daughters suicide attempt and self destructive ways have been more a cry for help, that in fact, our daughter wishes to live and has never placed her son at risk.

In summery that whilst there must be consequences for our daughter to accept her own actions, we ask that the court will consider these important points when factoring in our daughters state
________

edit - *Notes to amend with - 'Emotionally Fatigued' Vs a Proven Child Abuser (no positive notifications of child abuse against the mother)

[Ponder]

Why the fuck do I even try? My wife kind of summed it all up today by telling me re the court case and my trepidation about, once again, being questioned "You know Dave, somtimes you just got to bend over and take it up the ass!" I've kept quiet on that one but now think I have an anwer:

Your honour, I have already on more than one accasion woken up in strange places, still half drugged, pants down around my ankles with KY gell around my anus! I get it, this is the part where I bend over and allow myself to be fucked! No problem - Go Your Hardest!!!

WOW - for all the embelsihing I am sure that took place with the many making whatever claims, such is but a piece of the puzzel from my drama filled life whilst living on the streets. I only bring those episodes to light, relfeting like so on my wife's rather thoughtless comment today. To be sure she is suffering just as much as we all. I did not respond in kind as I have done here. I really did leave that one sit until now ... before I go to bed.

I'm a head case to be sure. Getting older and getting more screwed by the day. Man - my wife really came out with it today. She is right though. Sad to fucking say.

If only I can take that concept of humilitation and turn it into something more humble.

I have given in with this little insight into my past (although touched on it in here sometime ago) ... It is interesting I guess; drawing like so. Life is full of irony.
______________________________________

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Is this the time that I am finally over and out? As painful as that be, it's probably also just what I need.

[Ponder]

A productive day really. Made some ground with learning HTML and uploading the beginnings to a medication journal. http://mymeds.atwebpages.com/

I also was paid a visit by a support person I value highly.

Psychiatrist visit went well enough. He is now treating me for Adult ADHD among other things.

Today was my first day on the new medication.

I think I will call it a night and hopefully fit more into a routine which I had already started some weeks ago.

Exercise and eating is going well enough. As to my outdoor exposure.

My daughter came and stayed over tonight and grandson very happy about that.

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Won interim custody pending a final hearing which might take between 3 to 4 days. If things were not stressful enough we now have to move house. I am exhausted after a lone stretch with my grandson and the taking of new meds. Very thankful to see my wife return from the big smoke. She did well and my mothers money did not go to waste. That reminds me I should give her a call and let her know that good news. To be sure there is one hell of a fight yet to go. Yep sir re ... massive changes taking place in these last few weeks with the few day leaving a wake in our most recent victory. The wakes have often hit me like a tsunami. Tomorrow I will start back up with my walking and exercise. The last 48 hour stint I had no time and no looking forward to a good nights sleep and back to my own routine. So much to write about but just no fuel in my tank.

I have organised bond clean for when the time comes but need to work out how we are going to help my daughter exit her own place yet. Additionally I have to set up a house for the charity work we do this coming Saturday. One man job for the furniture with box trailer. No Truck. Now that's manual labor!!! LOL In-joke.

House inceptions hopefully this week some time.

[Ponder]

Medication Side Effects: are starting to make themselves felt. Lets get specific.

Disclaimer - this is just what is happening to me. My experience is My experience.

Woke up at 4am EXTREMELY exhausted and was extremely exhausted before going bed. For all the possible benefits, I think the timing of this trail period re seeing how I respond to this medication is counterproductive given how much I have on my plate of late. BUT SUCH IS LIFE

I feel like I have crashed and burned. I feel hot and tingly as well as exhausted. I already had issues with peeing regularly, but since taking this medicine I am now finding a have a reduced flow compared to previously. That said, erections are a non issue (so far so good). I'll keep notes on ejaculation. The latter, perhaps not everyone's favorite subject for note taking: but it all counts and is just yet another fact of life I care not to omit. I have a cut in my mouth resultant from dry mouth syndrome. I feel my body is a lot more acidic and this morning feeling nauseous with a not in my gut.

I think that is enough for now.
____________________

I am worried about the impact any medication will have during the first stages of my body countering a foreign substance and the timing with so much upheaval going on in my life right now. However, in order to make this trail worthwhile I must push through for at least two month until my next appointment with the psychiatrist that it motoring me. Speaking of which, the effectiveness of the psychiatrist to asses will only be as good as my own observation. Hence my dedication to keeping records and doing my best to check my bias, fear, preexisting anxiety & varioius other condition.

My routine was shattered this last couple of days and I normally don't react well without meds when that happens. So it is that I will straiten myself up, continue on my the exercise I missed, go for my walks and prep for the house move (charity job) this week end. I will continue looking for a new rental that best suits our changing needs + several other things that need doing. I write all these things like so as memory is an issue for me and I also need to inspire myself in order to keep above board during those periods with so much happening all at once. Must ensure the new rental has separate living areas!!!
_____

Mental health support also soon to change. More so just the agency. My coordinator has been away sick resultant from being overworked and residual stress. In fact the agency in question entrusted to assist with NDIS funding is always struggling with too much work and changing staff. I requested and thankfully my current NDIS coordinator agree, to port me over to the new agency or wherever it is she decided to be.

I organised a new psychologist (clinically certified - I think. Toats the initials DR next to her name) that specializes in some of my DXs/Traits. Whilst I wanted a break from Psycho-Therapy - I generally know how to make it work and do not stay with therapists that adhere to pushing or over challenging. There will always be a level of text booking that becomes as literal/bright as a highlighted pen to which any therapist will project their own level of rigidness. They are after all, only human and subject to the same precondition as the rest of us. Learning to accept that and be respectful of their own human error helps. Anyways ... not going to go on about my dealings with therapy right now. I have plenty of time for that for that later. Just keeping things grounded when talking about therapy because I know many practitioners cop a hard time in forums like these compared to the way people talk about their meds.

I do hope the meds I am trailing have something to offer, and if so, it won't be at the expense of my other supports that I know and value. Taking ONLY meds and relying ONLY on meds defeats the purpose of being medicated in the first place. If I am to enter into the medication arena (which I have already been part of) it will be done only in the true context of what medication is suppose to be. Just an aid ... the next level of band aiding and dependent on 'my' own needs, that may or may not be a long term thing. Taking one medication to counter the side effects on another; is not the trap I will allow myself to fall into. Once that starts happening, it matters little whether it's a case of one failing one self, or the practitioners failing patients or both failing each other ... if I don't have full control over my own intake and observations, then I will go full natural regardless of the consequences; living natural in an unnatural world. I'm all for combining the two - but only when self control is not relinquished.

Adios ... until next post! https://i.ibb.co/94N9WKh/Goodbye-Day.gif

[Ponder]

Things not boding well, but still exercising and doing my best to keep my walking regular. Too flat out to even post. All in good time ... just saying I am hanging in there. Still breathing with a little purpose and looking for things that make life less taxing.

[Ponder]

Insanity reigns whilst the tempering of 'God Knows What?' takes its place. More meaning I sense a spirit that dwells deep within regardless of so much unrelenting pain. One that keeps my soul tethered to a reasoning that cares little for logic but more a yearning for simplest path of being. This reasoning more a state of feeling where words could never hope to define. Moreover, the more this world attempts to do so; the more it confines.

So it is with each passing day, that a piece of my heart is torn from such a place. A boundless prison Vs empty space.
______________________________

I think that sums up my world perfectly and the eternal storm taking place.

Until next post ...

[Ponder]

Well that was a long break. Not that I went on holidays or anything. Drama continues to be sure. More suicide attempts with my daughter, hospitalizations, police knocking on the door, mental health, daughter claims a new DX of Paranoid Schizophrenia, courts place grandson in our care - still pending a final hearing and now full blown custody battle where my wife and I are still intervening. Can no longer allow daughter back in, although it breaks my heart to see her homeless living in a car with a parolee who's a known violent criminal heavily involved with hard core drugs. Threats of stealing and hurting have been made, but more drama than I care to warrant too much concern. Main focus is on the little one who is now protected from all that drama as we do our best to keep his and our lives stable. We have a pretty good case to shelter the little one form both sets of parents, however the process is quite taxing. Is going to be hard seeing him start his prep years still in nappies, but we got lots of support and certifications to ensure he can be pulled out of mainstream ... that is ... if they recommend meds purely to have him fit in & or the bullying outweighs the pros. (Human Nature and not something I am going to tolerate seeing an autistic kid picked on like that) That's when we'll pull that plug on his schooling and do it all at home ourselves. So many important decisions, interceding, advocating and planning re ALL his many supports. Despite my fears I and my wife are doing well (My wife is amazing!!!) keeping optimistic re his parental relations and ongoing schooling. All the more reason we are seeking to keep him in our care.

Sigh ... I laugh to think if I should consider taking back up a paid friend via my own supports. lol ... what a world we now live in.

Big Sigh ... You know ... that is not the half of it. My eldest boy just got out of prison no long ago. He is back like a yoyo with his X who partnered up as soon as she was rid of him. (both as broken as the other) It's just so damn hard keeping up with all that shit. In fact I just removed that young laddie from my facebook because she seems to play family members against the other. Yet another long story. I don't mind keeping the door open for my Son, but don't have enough juice left in me to play Grand Dad to another litter of kids. If I do, it will only be through my Son, who himself like my other daughter somewhat fragmented.

The computer charity service my wife and I started is still going. That is good. My wife is still doing her Justice of the Peace thing and both still setting up houses for domestic violent victims. Unfortunately the last place we did was trashed by the person we helped - Just like with some of my kids ... you can't help those who don't want to be helped. It's all a matter of timing ... not to rule out overcompensating/sheltering VS tough love and all that. My wife and I accused many times of doing too much - but not an issue as the doors of that arc have now been closed. I fear my eldest boy will be next if he can't respect my position re aforementioned.

What else?

Time for a new walking program. Generally I do pretty good. However had a lot of crisis situations take place recently ... BUT ... is now under control ... which means I can get back to doing what I know works.

Perhaps a return to my self motivating ways ... self encouragement and all that.

Yes yes ... I think so.

ZZZZZZzzzzzz Here's to a good start for the New Year ... only about an hour to go as I enter 2020.

Things could be worse. LMFAO @ that ... what's next. :) :) :)

[Ponder]

... another late night, but thats OK. Your OK Dave. Things are going to be OK. I have a friend comming up to stay a while. He should be here sometime tommorow.

Zzzzzzzzzzz ... Go to sleep now .... go to sleeeep. Zzzz

[Ponder]

Get up and get on your bike!

[Ponder]

Ponder here. Seems to be a little hate train going on in the background regarding self. Should we feed it or should we not. Of course not. I did bite but all good. I leave those implications for what they really be ... or as I choose to see. If anything it validate my decision to of cut those ties. Instead I make yet another new thread. Is good to keep things moving.

___________________