emptiness

[petrichor]

Hello. I just thought I could vent as I feel like I cannot talk to anyone, not even my best friend, about what I am going through.

My therapy appointment was last Thursday and I left it extremely overwhelmed which later transformed into immense emptiness. I'm so defeated. I've been in therapy for 2 years now and I don't see any results. It's not my therapist's fault, though. I pushed her away for 2 years, refusing to open up or go into detail about my childhood traumas because I was so afraid. This year, though, I began to open up more.

Anyway, lately it's been really bad. I've been so empty and listless, unmotivated about everything which is bad as I go back to uni in a few days. I never feel like being around people. And if I am around people, I always have the urge to leave and be alone. Usually, I'm so excited to get away in order to be alone. When my friends propose a plan, I accept - not because I actually wanted to. I force myself to see my friends because I'm terrified of them forgetting about me and leaving me. But really, all I want is to stay in my bed and do absolutely nothing productive. I genuinely just want to isolate, which is what I have been doing. I haven't been speaking to any of my friends as much and if I do, it's usually short, dry replies. I'm constantly forcing myself to see my friends, helping them, doing them favors, changing my beliefs and ideas so that they are in line with theirs just so they have a reason to stay and not leave me. Every time my friend asks me to accompany him somewhere, I say yes even though what I really want to do is stay seated because I'm so tired. But I say yes to anything because I fear abandonment.

I'm exhausted from existing. I don't want to exist because everything seems pointless. The scary thing is, sometimes I don't think I exist. Reality doesn't seem real. Sometimes, I'll look in the mirror and I'll see a face, a body, and features but they'd be so foreign to me. I can't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I have this idea that this is not who I really am - that I'm actually different. I'll look at my skin or my hands and go, "Are these really mine?" I'll look at my friends or family members and find myself stunned by their existence because something keeps telling me they're not supposed to be there or I'm not supposed to know them. I just don't feel whole - or right - in this body. I feel as though my identity is fragmented and I don't even know who I am. It's fucking terrifying. These bouts of confusion happen suddenly sometimes. I'll look at my surroundings and not recognize them entirely, I guess. It's scary.

While I can't seem to recognize myself sometimes, I have an image of myself - and it's not a good one. I believe I'm a terrible person - a horrible, vile, disgusting human being who is undeserving of love. Everyone calls me sweet and nice but I only show people what I want them to see. I want them to know me as a sweet, nice person, but is that really who I am? I have so much anger within me it disgusts me. I'm extremely moody and irritable. I can control my anger and irritability around my friends because I have learned to internalize it in such situations as I value what people think of me. But around family, I can't seem to hide that anger. It does not manifest itself in violent outbursts. Instead, I snap at people, telling them to leave me alone or I'll fight them. And I'm disgusted with myself. Disgusted by my anger - by my emotions and behavior. I am not who my friends think I am and I think that contributes to my conflict about my identity. I believe I'm a bad person who deserves to die because of the way I feel and think. I'm so moody, it's crazy. My mood and thoughts shift from one thing to another so suddenly, it's actually terrifying. I'll be so happy one minute but empty the next. I'll be so loving towards someone one minute but I'll be fighting them in my head the next. It disgusts me. Everyone is like an enemy to me in my head - they all have bad intentions. If I am triggered by something so trivial, I'll find myself fighting that person that triggered me in my head. But sometimes I'm not triggered and I'm fighting someone in my head, like my best friend who has done nothing. My therapists pinpointed in our last session that she noticed my sudden shifts in mood because during the session, I kept alternating between feeling/being happy and chirpy to empty/emotional. That fucking terrified me.


I just feel like I'm an extremely fake and bad person for having these sudden shifts and for fighting my friends in my head. I feel so horrible. So, so horrible. I can't stand myself.

[Ponder]

Do you beleive you deserve to feel that way?

[petrichor]

Do you beleive you deserve to feel that way?

My therapist says the way I feel and think are manifestations of my childhood traumas. No one deserves to live their lives thinking they're the bad when all along, it was bad people and bad things. However, considering my self-image is extremely damaged and negative, and I do harbor a lot of hatred for myself, then a part of me believes I do deserve to suffer.

[Ponder]

The things our therapists tell us are never as simple as they sounds. Yet for the most part, if we work with therapy ... it can help. I've been seeing them full time for years now & currently see several at a time. I think it prudent to share with you the following fact. That I find in addition to that piece of insight your therapist shared with you, that whether we like it or not; the world in which we live is simply a &^%$ed! In fact I recently (yesterday in fact) had a person who pulled up outside my house with the THERAPY plastered all over their tuck, revert to saying as much during our conversation as a response to my perceptions. I'm telling you this because we often forget that there are two sides to a coin. It not just about us or about our story.

Whilst I find both sides of the coins as ugly as the other, I do take heart in knowing it's not just about me. Now this piece of insight I share just like the ones our therapists do is also not so simple. However, it is worth pondering.

This next point I share I find to be key. 'Understanding the 'process' of damage' - in how it is that we become broken from years of subjugation to that part of self that sees us as guilty. Right now I am dealing intensely with that hatred you touched on. I so know what you mean. Rather than see both side of the coin and let it be, I transfer my negative feelings from one to the other. It is a world of blame and shame. A cycle with no end. - WOE! but let's not leave it at that. Context is everything. I mean like when I think of how some well meaning spiritual concepts are built around that kind of cyclic existence, and then the focus on blame and shame with respect to Kama ... that's pretty deep stuff.

Excuse the italic text. I find a little spiritual perspective sheds more light than clinical books. Let's go back to the chemically minded professional perspective (clinical/analytical) on emotions and how that affects us for the worse or good. Read up on how long term states can become addictive. This applies to both states of Sadness and Happiness. Mildly to chronically 'affected' introverts Vs extroverts. The house hermit Vs the exuberant in your face motivational sales man. Of course you can mix these terms up as the is no one box for all. I'm just trying to make a point, but now falling into my own lack of confidence. Emotions like food can be drugs. Our ways of thinking become rigid. It's not that what we see is not taking place. It's often easy to feel that when others tell us "It's just your perception!" "Are you sure? I don't see it that way!" and so on. That is why I mentioned both sides of the coin. In the end people go from telling us it's just our perception to then saying, yes the world is a shitty place. That's a double bind and just goes around and around like a snake eating it's tail.

So I guess what I am trying to say ... is that in the end we have to deal with that part of self that sees us as guilty. What is that part of self? Is it really us? The people that we see do not know the answers. I don't think any of us do. The are more like guides who can only assist when we open up. Only we can find what's buried deep and find our way around what is on the outer. It's good that you have been opening up. I see that as only the beginning of a process that really has no end. I also close up quite regularly as I struggle to live in the world as is. Acceptance is the key that next comes to mind with enduring the cycles, the ups and downs. I do have meds and now used them in extreme situations but do not agree in using them to reach some state of perfected balance. Don't get me wrong ... balance is key, but being in any one state too long is not a natural way of being. I have many 'assists' - but when anyone of them becomes a dependency, all the rest of supports take a dive where I end up in a void. At this point, no psychologist, psychiatrist, Mental Health Program, Pills or OT can help me. Only I can help myself - as well as that part that blames and shames.

But that part is not me! ... nor is it really you or any one else.

Currently that is my take.

Hope you got something out of that ... otherwise I am sorry for taking up space. Just wanted to help.

I really don't know.

Peace out and take care.