Should you tell your therapist "everything" ?

[salvator here]

I've been struggling with this and don't know what to do.. or if I'm doing the right thing by not revealing some things/everything and every facet of my personality.

There is a *whole lot* more that I've never revealed, I mean nothing too horrid, but some things I'm just not comfortable ever revealing about myself, however I feel the things I feel I 'cant' say are an important part of what causes my depression and anxiety. The real me might better describe what troubles me. While I have well documented disorders, there are things that I keep secret and try my hardest to hide for fear that I would be deemed incompetent and non functional. I'm hardly functional in this state, but I get by somehow, it gets pretty scary sometimes and my dark moments are dark. I feel - in fact - I know there is no "cure" even if they knew everything and all they can do is add even more medication that I'm not interested in. If I look far back at my childhood and I can see/understand where things started and why they grew into this beast that I now have on my shoulders. Sometimes I want to 'come clean' with everything and I knew other people that have done this and some regretted it and wished they could take it back. I'm not trying to say I'm one a sick pup but I have deep seeded issue that I try to bury and disguise. My family history was filled with nothing but well kept secrets so it sort of rubbed off on me and it stuck.

For those in therapy, do you tell them everything or do you remain guarded.

Thanks in advance and sorry about multiple edits but I'm struggling with this one a bit more that expected.

[salvator here]

I will say, I've seen a neuropsychiatrist and had 2 profile tests (basically those long tests where you tick off the boxes to various questions) and they both came back inconclusive. I answered them as truthfully and honestly as I know how and some questions were very personal.

I honestly just don't know what I'm even expecting for help anymore, basically it seems just pills are it now. I'm well into my 40's and set in my ways and they know this. I mean, the real me is still somewhat child-like and naive for a man my age, but given my upbringing this is no surprise to me, its expected and part of the reasons as an adult I feel stunted.

Maybe acceptance is what eludes me.

[salvator here]

Actually.. never mind.

I think I should just work on accepting the good and bad parts of myself by now. I'll take this mind to the grave anyway.

[salvator here]

Thank you. Yeah, I find writing even more helpful that therapy. As I said, though, maybe I'm not being as forthcoming with my therapist as I should, but I'm not sure it would change the outcome.

[salvator here]

For instance: I would be very hard-pressed to ever want to reveal, that I, in fact...DO howl at a full moon. Kidding, or am I!? :)

[salvator here]

Sometimes if I don't look too close at people and just go with the feeling I get back from them, my gut instinct is correct, in that.. I'm meant to 'pick up' the energy from that person unfiltered by me (or them), there is no such thing as positive energy in my opinion, only people can chose to put aside their own issues to portray something they choosing (maybe neutral energy), I also can pick up this. However, if I look closely at (in and through) their eyes (something I rarely do ever) I see myself and my own struggles like a mirror. Its exhausting and partly why I hide away from people. I get suspicious of people that seem overly bubbly and positive though with their demeanor; Witty is ok as its a defense mechanism.

I am very bad at disguising my emotions/feelings. I feel like an raw nerve and thus a walking target.

How could I every tell a therapist that without coming across like a nut.. to which I might have to agree.

[salvator here]

I'm Not expecting any answers, I'll leave this world with many unresolved issues, this I'm certain and I doubt I would tell anybody in real life that. Oh well. Just how it is for me. There was a time I was oblivious myself. I never mastered social interaction 101 anyway, but I threw myself out there more is all I guess.

[salvator here]

Just needed to get that out I guess.

EDIT: I just edited to warn that my thread could be triggering to others.

[Ponder]

I have been seeing a therapist every year aprox once every 6 weeks since 2012. I consider it part of my medication. Given my perception on the system and how it seeks to control through a number of clinical measures (re my most recent threads) - it's an irony of sorts.

The thing is Sal ... I make my therapy sessions work because for the most part I take control. That mostly works because before I 'dig in' with a therapist I ensure that I have their full respect and attention.

Do you have that with your therapist? Do you fully trust them?

[salvator here]

No I don't have any of those things (their respect - their attention - nor do I trust them). Because I can't pay, it's more like fast food line and everyone waiting for 1 french fry, then "next". That is how it feels to me and appears. Just dreads of society we are viewed as and they are boss dangling medication as bait.

Given those circumstances, I think best to remains guarded then and I'm doing the right things, I think.

Been slightly disassociating to the point that I don't even recognize my surroundings at times. No personality and others have said I have flat blank affect. At times speaking to others has been a chore I have to work at and fail miserably (stuttering and hesitation). Can't trust myself, I guess. Maybe just survival of the fittest and where I stand, I feel.

Since the calendar turned over this year, I've felt pretty much like a lifeless corpse.

[salvator here]

PS: I am looking into changing around my medical team this year, but it will take time and its a process to change when in the system as I am. Hopefully make a difference.

[Ponder]

I'm on the welfare food chain this end as well. I understand what you mean. What country are you in again Sal. Forgive my memory capacity. If your in America, I understand that to be a pretty heartless society when it comes to their own. Especially the unemployed. I care little what others may think of me saying that as being an ally of america kind of makes me sick. Given the facts as they remain when it comes to the welfare of their own kind. I have no respect or desire for any of the worlds authorities. I might of considered Sweden, but from what I hear, they to are falling victim to western culture.

However in saying all that or expressing bitter disappointment like so ... we somehow have to live with - as is. You on the ball with taking action to do what you can in order to sever ties with those so called professionals who are obviously are not on your page. Yes ... at times it is us ... but then it is not. It actually matters little who is the one at fault ... what matters is you keep trying to find those who understand how to handle you regardless of blame. I've only gotten so far because I won't dance with people who do not listen, talk my language, or care enough about their so called J-O-B. I only work with people who like what they are doing ... anything else ... is not only a complete waste of time, but only adds to the problem.

Once more it matters little how *&^%ed up things are or whose fault it is. It's a dog eat dog world out there, we have to make the effort if we want to be heard. That effort is a bit of a topic on its own. I know you have the will in you - keep working with that.

Just because no one else is talking about what matters does not mean we have to quit. You like me in many ways ... you keep getting back up. I think D would back me up on that. :)

[Ponder]

Red Pill Alert!!!

In countries where the food is scarce and people resort to questionable actions, they suffer less on other fronts that make them more prosperous. More prosperous than many in the west who are deemed dishonorable for the act of being jobless. It's the culture of our society that robs us of our vitality. That there my friend is more poisonous than their cheap processed foods. Those that resist these facts will often spout the 3rd world country responses. These types how no clue what it is like to see things as is, they spend all their lives living with blinkers and clinging to comfort at the expense of those they despise.

Then there is the dynamic of how comfort ... the drug ... attracts many from 3rd world countries. They too then become blinded (become workaholics chasing the $$$) despite claiming lived experience. So too ... their justifications and ramblings fall into line with so called well-equipped westerners, where they too start dishing out that rather pathetic 3rd world country response.

So what to do? How to change one's point of view? Perhaps we should start living like eastern street dwellers. Hmmmmmm ... Now there is actually something in that. I'm sure Eckhart Tolle and Jon kabat Zinn would could chime with that.

Seriously man ... there are pros and cons no matter where we live.

Now how about the Pros???? All those damn services we should not even need ... how to make those otherwise control measures work for us, rather than the so called well to do and their blinded sheep. Give up on the culture man ... let it go. let that (*&^shit go ... acknowledge the pain ... which might include living with ... rather than shooting up western bliss. (Masking The Pain ... The ROOT Cause) That latter → a western fix, is like having your mind wiped ever time you see the shit for what it is. You even questioned before how temping that feels ... to not know how it is.

I can see all those trouble kids with their welfare lunch boxes being told by their enforces/teaches, to shut up and take their meds. Oh but no ... that school bell that is not a bell , but is in fact a siren ... yes that one that instills fears at every period ... says so much more than the possy wossies who like to silence those talking truth with their sprinkles of rainbow cliches imprinted from the morning news. Baaahahahaaa Bahahahaaaaaa ... and so on.

The GP, psychologists,psychiatrists and all those other so called professionals whet to those same schools as well. Once you detect main stream condition that YES ... is rife in welfare streams ... DUMP THEM ... and move on ... find another. How to do this? Leave ... stop seeing them point blank. unless your under some kind of ITO involuntary treatment order ... You do not have to keep subjecting yourself to their whims. You have the power to refute what these white coated puppets preach and automatically script out. Every now and then you might strike gold with one that is prepared to listen ... one that is not faking it. Takes a lot of walking out ... canceling appointments ... booking with new places ... taking risks with new faces. It might seem like doctor hopping for drugs ... but that's not the point. The process is the same ... but instead of looking for drugs, your looking for a fucking human that's interested in treating you and not the BS symptoms.

This I not only do with GPs ... but all of them. Especially physiologists. I rate them as more critical to my health than psychiatrists. The latter are more under the thumb by pharmaceutical giants and extremely bias when it comes to empowering individuals. They are more like jailers than ever before. It's bad enough with doctors and nurses ... but those psychiatrist, only good for those who are happy with their pacification, those that wish to remain sleeping. I link (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eksdBEIQS6g)it once more.

Perhaps this forum is so quiet because I love to plaster these facts across the board. I know I have been blamed for it more than just a few times. But *&^$ it ... I feel the urge to start writing once more.

We can beat this shit Sal ... learn to handle the pain and learn to live with.

I hear man ... fuck that welfare mentality. I smile to think how such a term is aimed towards the undesirables, the ill-equipped, spout out by those who think themselves so much better, above and superior. Such complexes labeled on a whim, but in this case that term welfare mentality is none other - than one - adopted by overwhelmed and complacent health care professionals.

Take charge man. You have now just admired ... these individuals can not help. We are the ones that must tell them how it's done. If they won't do their jobs, then find someone that can. The whole welfare feed line concept is something that we have to change; and we don't need a *&^% J-O-B to do it.

Unless of course you live in America ... if so ... your fucked!

Srry man. I'm already thinking of the responses out there making claims of no subsides or assists. This kind of proves my point regarding western culture. It's pathetic how those eating popper meals dare to make claims against those eating in the street. That there is the dog it dog world. There is NO positive in that. it's a huge irony when having to stomach the Oprah Winfrey crowds ... I am now seeing as much irony with eckhart TV.

Yet many answers lay within each. It's enough to make one go insane.

I opt out by saying once more how many living in the eastern gutters live more prosperous lives than many struggling in the west. All that BS 3rd world drama empowered in the same way we inflate terrorism. Yep more and more people dying on both sides of the planet with every cheap hamburger and Rolls Royce sold ... but better to do quick than suffer this pathetic existence in the west with so many above us always seeking to dis.

Who want's to participate in that? Give it up long enough Sal ... and you'll see your surroundings once again. You'll see more of only what you need to see and be more able to switch off to the rest.

I'm not there atm ... as in a cycle is all. You know how that works. I know you do. Each time I drill myself in the above social studies but only by taking the Red Pill!

I also know you have taking the red pill Sal. Srry if I was part of that. lol. I'll help you ride the waves.

I feel that I may be receiving more help than yourself right now ... I am srry if this is the case. I feel guilty to some degree when thinking of others who are unable to get the help they need.

Taking the red one is a good start. You help yourself by doing that.

[salvator here]

Thank you guys, will reply better another time. I've Read everything several times over already and I appreciate it. Once I get on the other side of this cycle (even during manageable mania) I'll be able to reason things out better and think clearer, I think, just takes time and for circumstances to let up even just a bit to get on my feet again. Right now everything is hitting me all at once and I never do well when this happened, a lot on my plate, I guess.

It Not so much ITO, just if I don't answer correctly, I get hospitalized. In a strange predicament now since Last April (2 hospitalizations last year), been a mess. Hard to explain. I suspect its not they aren't looking/noticing, its me.. I don't fit the (typical) mold. They don't know what to do with me and they've told me so.

Sorry to hear you're also feeling that way Pollyfama, maybe as you say, writing more helps you to reason it out, for me it does when there isn't much help to be found. The forum is more helpful actually.

Don't worry Ponder, you're not solely responsible for the red pill issue, I would say i was searching for truth with great determination beginning 2014 and didn't fully realize I had until early 2017 and there was no turning back. As I said though, the blue pill didn't work for me because it only increased my hatred for people and was always shocked and caught off-guard. Not a good way to go around. I will say, I learned a lot in a short few years and the truth did appear from experience and my healthy cynicism. I don't take things a face value. Never really did but not like now. Just what works for others doesn't work for me. I make no apology anymore.

Don't worry, Just have to get through this rough spot and go into self protective mode with everything. I'll be ok.

I appreciate that you care and no need to reply :)

[Ponder]

Responsible? I guess we all play are part. :) Insightful response and I understand more once again from your perspective as you share it. I leave it at that.

Take care Sal ... sound to me despite the discomfort and big challenges: your on the right track. I at least like to think so for all of us.

[salvator here]

I go through my days lately on auto-pilot. Most days I wake up in pretty bad shape and it (sometimes) passes as the day progresses, but not always and I go to bed in crisis, but there is nowhere to turn for me. I see my therapist tomorrow again. Seems like a waste of time. Felt suicidal very much yesterday and today but just keep going and keep things to myself. The system is designed so that a person has (or can develop) a support system outside of therapy from friends and family. This is not the case and will never be.. doesn't apply to me and that is not wrong. When I tell them I'm a loner Its seem as bad.

[salvator here]

Might create a new thread if needed as this really doesn't apply anymore. Just been rough lately I guess and not sleeping well.

[Ponder]

Right with ya Sal although different time period. Was up.at 1:30 now 3:14.

I've been feeling much the same way despite my supports. I feel for ya. Sometimes starting a new thread I find helps like starting a new line of thought.

[salvator here]

Thank you Dave, means a lot to know you care.

Trying to remember that its raining hard but the sun will shine again if I hold on and don't let go (because at times i think it would be too easy to do just that - let go)

We deserve a chance and I hope you will also hold strong. Even if I had all the support groups in place, I'd still be going it alone because of trust issues I have. AT times it lets up enough to enjoy something small like my music and even I sing again. Doesn't sound good as I used to be a tenor and hit the high C (even D on a good day), but trying harmony again with singers I enjoy.

I've been away for a little while so I'll read your thread to catch up with where you are because I do care about you.

Hold on an never give up.

[salvator here]

Actually, I did decide to tell my therapist more last visit. Maybe it was a relief to get some of it off my chest but he was no help. He means well and says he does care which is all good and well I suppose. They don't (fully) comprehend that I find myself in crisis every day especially as they day progresses to the point that I envision myself no longer here. I know this is just a feeling though and its runs deep these days. I'm not sure why but 2019 hasn't started off too well for me and things haven't come together for me. Like still in pieces. So hard to explain. I don't fit any mold and there simply is no "textbook jargon" that applies to my situation. Doctors are clueless. He said he fully expected me to wind up drinking again and was happy to know I didn't. Trouble is I can see now just how far back this stems and how deep but I didn't have much insight then for myself. Last year part of my personality went away and its still missing, I guess is the only way to explain it. But some things needed to be shed I guess.

I know that makes little sense :confused:

Oh well..

No reply needed and I'll reach out for help here if things get rough.

Thank you for your support and care; it means more than you'll ever realize.

PS ~ Sorry for mistakes but I'm not in a good frame of mind as I write at the moment.

[Ponder]

Glad your back Sal.

[Dahila]

Sal I know you are struggling. I am sending my love and good vibes, I have no idea if it helps you but I am here if you need to have someone just to listen.
It is good to see you Sal and P.

I do not think we need more people that three or 4

[salvator here]

Thank you Ponder and Dahila, I'll reach out to you.

Today was alright. Nothing happened.

[Dahila]

Ask D how to reach me Sal ;)

[salvator here]

Had a heart-to-heart with my therapist and he decided I am in crisis and something needs to be done, because I'm failing on my own. I try to pretend I'm ok but the signs are there. I'm now on more meds so everyday I feel like a lifeless zombie cadaver and it takes all day to recover. Anything to avoid a hospitalization right now it worth it.

[salvator here]

Exposure Therapy - Yeah right.

I've been exposed to "life" for 46 years isn't that enough proof It doesn't work for me?!

[salvator here]

From the outside looking inward by others, it would seem there is nothing wrong here. I'm not sure if people assume that because I'm not yelling in a fit of rage or falling on the ground from anxiety or crying from depression - that I'm fine - because I am not at all. I'm not functioning by any stretch of the imagination. It would see that I'm fortunate that I don't have many demands put upon me and I only have to to worry about myself, and while for that it would seems I'm fortunate, but whom would chose to be deemed incapable of handling/dealing with normal aspects of a functioning life.

This has been a unusually long cycle and it worries me that I didn't have the small breaks in between, only hopelessness and despair. I hope something changes quickly because physically I'm deteriorating as well as mentally. Nothing makes sense and I fell only bitterness and regret. Most days I go from sadness, to regret, to heart pounding gut burning rage, back to sad and hopeless and suicidal. Its not letting up for even a second for me to get up on 2 feet.

I realize posting this isn't very helpful and there isn't anything somebody can say (that hasn't already been said) to change thing. I wish medication was the general fix for me that it appears to be for others I've run in to because I've seen it really turn people around and all I feel is just utter numb.

[salvator here]

Please forgive me Ponder and Dahila for not reaching out to you both as I said I would personally. I've been too far down and to be honest, a basket case and I would be a handful to deal with in this frame of mind. But I meant to say I appreciate the good vibes you sent.

[Dahila]

Sal I mean if you need some talk I will be available, not pressure at all ;)

[Ponder]

I am here Sal. I have been unable to sleep and just now only read your despair. That's hard core stuff. It's brutal but honest. I need to get out of bed, make a cuppa and read that again.

[Ponder]

Sorry to hear about the increase in meds and their apparent lack of positive effect when it comes to dealing with the issues your talking about. It's true that meds can only do so much. Just because your not in hospital does not mean your not in pain, or just because you've been dosed, does not mean you suffer any less. I would however hope there is some essence of relief that might of been enable through the taking of your meds that perhaps allowed you to write so powerfully as you have. At the end of the day, you can take credit for that.

Sal ... You have never ever been a handful and nor shall I ever see you as such. Your like family to me. I am sorry I missed your posts on the 8th just a few days ago, Friday my time last week. I just checked and saw the only post I made that day was asking after you in my thread. Clearly I got side tracked after that as it was a couple of days before I posted again.


Exposure Therapy? In what context did your therapist bring that up? I don't beleive in exposing myself to things I don't want to be exposed. I personally struggle with this when it comes to others making those choices for us. It should always be our choice and our control. Or so I am told. I understand if you don't wish to elaborate. Sometimes it can be beneficial to get back on the bike after we have fallen off, but only if our desire to get from point A to B is greater than the obstacles in between. Too much pressure to conform in a direction we don't want to be is only serves to create suffering where otherwise there would be none. In this way ... it is generally outside influences that make us sick ... or in many of our cases; keeps us down. In this please take solace in knowing it's not your fault. That said, we would do well to avoid finger pointing ourselves ... but do better to mearly observe and feel what must be felt. The latter now raises question as to how meds can impede the act of truly acknowledging these facts ... yet at other times it can also allow the much needed space in which to process. Perhaps in this you will soon be able to reduce the dose once you past the void ... or so to speak.

I'm not meaning to be right or wrong sal ... just clutching at straws myself with no other intention but to help. I hit enter and think more about what you are saying whilst sipping some on my hot cup.

[Ponder]

Yea - Re the yelling, raging and crying ... People do tend to look for the drama when judging others. The same can be said for this air of expectation society has when it comes to responsibility. Just yet another buck to pass the way I see it. Your right Sal - life is hard enough just dealing with our own shit. Being responsible is one thing, but this world's normal is all about shifting blame and shame to suit the so called 'progress ideology.' Having to endure the ongoing and all to often disregarded negative impact of such thriving and striving only to be then implicated on an individual level ... Well ... there is the exposure for you. Pfffft. I guess what I am saying is I understand there is no escape from such regardless of one's status and so called responsibilities.

The part about the long cycle is troublesome and concerning Sal. Is it OK for me to say I am also seeing less and less of a break in between. This new support I have is hounded by much of the ideals I have alluded to and makes me question just how supportive it is - Or - even though I have support I still too struggle with the nature of long term instability and the permanency of that impact. Regardless of one's reality and unsavory characteristics of humanity. In this we do have a responsibility to ourselves, but given how that term has been molested by the standards of so called normality ... it's OK to feel disconnected as in at least wishing not to be a part of such insanity. It's not OK to feel suicidal though. In this we would to well to reach out; like your doing. I like the no BS way in which you typically do it. It's OK to be angry but we ought to watch out for the lingering trap of bitterness. That's the part the deteriorates us, brakes us; keeps us down. The process of reaching out more be a way in which we can release what needs to come out. In this I am all for you and others like us. Often the world in which we live shuts us down and stops us from expressing in a way that we only know how in order to let the toxins out. Even many of the online places which propose to be here for us change our words and or delete our posts. In this we are lucky to have this space. So glad your letting this out. SIGH ... Grrrrrr. I hear ya Bro.

It's moments like this that even walking is hard. I try and think on this more but post back in my thread. I also wish I could leave you with more hope. Now is the time we do better to focus on what works rather than what does not. Yet part of that process is to acknowledge the blockages first. It's OK to rage and or Cry in which case if not doing so is not working for you, then perhaps such things are what is required. However whilst there are concepts out there that would have us all seen as the same, I don't beleive for a moment we are all required to react the same. Finding similarities can help though ... especially ones that help to ease the pain. I think more guidance is the word as in the end we really are responsible for ourselves. Just finding the power that is already within is so damn hard when always having to account for being so weak. Or ... living in a world that does more to redirect us to our flaws than it does to encourage our strengths.

You know my take on strength ... I see it more about our compassion side rather than the integrity of iron. The latter is more for the soldering on concept that plays more into a world of extroversion that seeks to forge ahead in a mindless manner where the former is all about taking the time that is needed in order to adapt to what is. I don't know man ... I feel your pain Sal. Not meaning to say I understand it or have the answers ... I would like to understand as any of us would in such a confused state of so called normality.

I hope I have not been a handful in my wall of text. :)

[Ponder]

Two quotes that might be well received. I'll take a chance : )

Friendship needs no words - it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness.
Dag Hammarskjold


We are not permitted to choose the frame of our destiny. But what we put into it is ours.
Dag Hammarskjold


_____________________________________________

I often struggle with quotes when feeling so low. Perhaps one may reason such is because my view is distorted. I would reason that often the pain associated with seeing so deep is more because of painful truth, what is in question is how I allow myself to feel. In this I tried to avoid picking those life coaching quotes that seemingly feel more critical of the individual. Like the reason your feeling low is because your not doing enough. Reality does bite, but there is no need to make others feel they are less for not having completed some puzzle as if one has been to lazy to see the answer. FB is full of Memes like that ... so too Google images. In this I have found the above two quotes to be rather thoughtful in their choice of words.

Both those quotes allude to the harsh realities of life yet give me hope in the knowing that eventually if I can hang on ... natural inevitability will take care of the rest. The first quote on friendship with self fits this bill well on this. The second reminds us of our power. That even when it appears we have no choice ... we can still choose how we react. But remember the 1st quote is a process that takes many years and the way in which we sit with that impacts how in the end we act.

Hope some of that makes sense. Just my way of adding to the cliche of doing a little more than just saying Hang In There. I know you Sal ... I know you will find your way in the end by reverting to the Sal you have always been.

We love ya either wherever your at.

That said ... I'm still hoping your this finds you well despite all that crap. Only because many of us in here don't only want peace for ourselves but others as well.

[salvator here]

Thank you Dahila and Ponder, I've read everything over several times and thank you for that, I'm truly speechless.

I appreciate your friendship mostly.

I'll get through this, today was rough starting and I told my APRN and we are going to stop 1 med because the side effects are just to much to handle. However, I had some bright spot today, sunny day and I did get outside after being in the house for over a week, was nice for a change.

Again, thank you so much for caring.

[salvator here]

Got out today, was rough and felt really unsafe and overly paranoid but stayed out and forced it. Was a nice day, 50's and the rest of the week is upper 40's. Luckily I didn't get caught up in (become a target for) others attitudes to ruin it - it was just luck though and I can't count on that to always be the case. Other people can screw things up for me when I'm not together. I enjoyed a bubble tea and chocolate cookie. Soon enough I won't need a jacket outside and that will help with my OCD a lot.


It's OK to be angry but we ought to watch out for the lingering trap of bitterness. That's the part the deteriorates us, brakes us; keeps us down. Oh I meant to say those quotes are nice. I appreciate them Ponder. I do have to watch out as you say there, because bitterness chips away at my soul. Its very hard though because I can only get so far before my limitations rob me. Its hard to explain I guess.

[Ponder]

Glad your getting out and about Sal. I had to chip through my own anxieties with riding my push bike to the gym. My car was already in use. Glad I pushed myself through it. I might even do it again soon. Yea ... it's nice when the weather eases up. Things are colling down here a little.

Glad you liked the quotes.

Here's to the weather continuing in a good direction on both sides of the planet.

[salvator here]

Been a while since I've updated this thread. Can't see starting a new one I guess, very low energy lately.

I've still not opened up totally about every single facet of my life especially things I consider my own personal business - some things I will take to my grave - but I've come a long way and built a better relationship with him I think. I will say though.. he knows that I don't like being hospitalized and is trying to do what he can to avoid this, along with my med provider. I don't like being on this much medication but for now, I guess it is what it is and its better than the alternative I guess. Still sleeping has been poor and those night that are rough will result in a rough days for me where I feel less able to cope with everything I am dealing with.

I've still been hiding inside too much when the weather has been great, but just because its bright and sunny outside doesn't always coincide with whats going on inside. Haven't been in a pool or water and sometimes I get jealous when I see people playing in the pool. I also have too many phobias and I'm not confident the chlorine is being looked after well enough and I don't want to get sick as Prednisone lowers my immune system. Haven't been walking lately either and I feel weaker as a result. The summer is far from over and I hope to at least find some way to enjoy it.

As I say, were in the middle of a beautiful summer thus far and I hope things will turn around for me unlike last year when I just went by seemingly.

[Dahila]

oh shoot you are on prednisone, not good, life saving med but a lot of side effects. I was on it for a few days, nightmare. You know Sal some things we will keep hidden not matter what. I think (my opinion) that's ok.
I keep you in my thoughts wishing you well. The struggle is real but one day it will get easier

[salvator here]

Thank you Dahila. I hope it gets easier one day.

[salvator here]

I often reflect when alone and ask myself what went wrong and when.. what would it take to put things back together (If I was ever "together" - can't recall as such)

[Kuma]

I recall days when I had my act totally together, mentally. I was carefree and living a great life. I miss those days. I don't spend time asking "what went wrong"? I could never figure that out and I am not sure I want to. I made mistakes but they are water under the bridge at this point. I just want to feel better.

[salvator here]

Thanks Kuma..

Yeah, I can recall when things didn't seem this jumbled but that was a very long time ago, and you're right, I shouldn't focus on what went wrong (because I also can not pinpoint exactly). Sadly looking too far ahead and it looks bleak. Maybe focus on the here-and-now or something would be more productive. I pine too much over the past I think and it adds to my depression. I see my therapist tomorrow and I may touch on some things that I've not before, we'll see, and I have that fine balancing act because I don't want to be hospitalized again. He's quick to act and I don't like that part of the mental health system. Say the wrong thing and bam.

Things started to go downhill in my late 20's when I started to have bad insomnia. Prior to that I used to just lay my head and fall asleep. Now, never.

[Kuma]

What is it that would cause involuntary hospitalization? I thought that was limited to situations where you were deemed a danger to yourself (suicide threat) or a danger to others. Is that right?

[salvator here]

Sorry I didn't catch this sooner, Kuma. You have it right. Say the wrong thing and bam off the the ER. Have to walk on eggshells so to speak with my therapist. Can't be brutally honest because suicide crosses my mind often and its more than a fleeting thought.

only getting 4 hours of sleep is wearing me out. Hard to be of sound mind. Dealing with insomnia for years and my doctors are well aware of it but only so much they can do I guess. Meds only do so much I guess. My mind races. Hard to explain.

[Dahila]

Sal I am dealing with insomnia whole my life except; now I started to take CBD oil and I sleep , I went down on half of does on Zoplicone, Maybe one day I can quit it. It is unbelievable what sleeping improve life

[salvator here]

Thanks, Dahila, and you're right, I know the insomnia is a bit part of it. I'm on Zolpidem which is similar to Zoplicone (Z drugs) and they only help so much when my life is in complete disarray. Still some night are very rough. When my head hits the pillow I'm usually in terror mode and my mind is racing away. My sleep hygiene is poor I"ll admit that. I do have to make some changes to help things. I dink too much coffee. Trouble is I have a lot on my plate and there are no answers/solutions. No help in sight and no light at the end of the tunnel (at least not that I can see currently). Things seem hopeless.

[Dahila]

sal exactly that, I am so scared that I will not fell asleep that I actually turn on and on and it takes the hours, but still the least I sleep the more consistent I am to get up at 6 am, , It it tough now because it feels like night. The routing of getting up (I love sleeping in the morning) pays off. Half of does of Zoplikone which is really the same med as yours and 1 0.5 mg fo clonazepam once at 6 pm gives me the sleep Honestly when I started the oil. I had one sleepless night. I am on it for 7 months already
try CBD oil it deos not make you high it is made of hemp flower extremelly low in THC

[salvator here]

Thank you, Dahila.

My therapist only knows what I tell him, only bits and pieces of what goes on in my head, lots of mixed messages and conflicted thoughts, just no way to put it into words really, I don't go out of my way to hide anything from him. If he asks me something I will be honest. I feel very damaged by my experiences and destructive (religious) teachings from childhood.

My old med provider retired at the end of last year so its like starting over in that department.

Oh well, I just take it day-by-day now.

[Dahila]

yes day by day, step by step, We are only able to go at our own pace, At least I am , no rush anymore :)

[salvator here]

Today I had my phone appointment with my therapist. What a waste of time. Why do i even bother anymore. The hell with everything!!!

[Dahila]

the phone appointments are waste of time , you are right, I do not like it,

[salvator here]

Don't have the energy to even create a new thread; though I probably should.

I'm not doing well at all - both physically and mentally.

The last time I spoke to my therapist, she said, if I can't (somehow) turn this around I'll need to be hospitalized again.

I'm really getting very worried now. Reality is starting to blur and sometimes I lose track of time span (sorry can't explain better) large blackouts and grey outs. Memory problems, difficulty distinguishing reality and dreams - both nightmares and day dreams. Sleeping is rough. Getting to sleep and staying asleep. Flashback city!!! Wake up sometimes in drenched in total complete sweat. Trouble eating and keeping food down.

I'm losing it and things aren't headed in a good way. I've been here before and this time.. I'm can't blame booze (I'm totally sober) or the time or year (holiday stress) its feels like another psychotic break. Seeing and feeling shit again. Audio and visual disturbances. Can't explain. Somewhere Between manic and deep depression and panic most days. Huge Paranoia. Don't feel safe outside. Can't explain. Sorry. Massive pounding headaches starting when I wake up. Sometimes when I get up everything feels weird and surreal. Speaking problems to people (stuttering). Walking stumble in public. Literally hearing shit again and seeing shit that I know its happening. Feeling bad energy from people. Music in jumbled.

I know I don't make sense.

Never-mind!

I truly don't know what to do. Medication isn't working anymore (even the Haloperidol stopped working) meditation (which usually works) even can't ground me or bring me back to here-and-now. Totally lost in my mind of static and noise. I gotta say, though, the thoughts of drinking myself to oblivion hit me hard at times. I won't. If I did, I WOULD NOT STOP!!

I really shouldn't even be posting. Just need to get shit out, I guess. There isn't anything anybody can do/say anyway really. I just hope somehow it will pass if I can manage to get better sleep.

Bad!

[Ponder]

Reading Sal ...

[Ponder]

Hard core Sal. This helps me lift my own head up and feel for you instead of myself. That said I wish I could give you something that helps.

Your making more sense to me than you might currently know. I know you have answers as other times have helped many in the forum with many insights.

Yea dude, the medication can only do so much. That said I can’t say what to do re that kettle of fish. But as far as writing goes … do and say whatever helps!

* How’s your routine? You trying to stay up all day hoping to sleep during the night?
* Outdoor exposure?

I leave that at that as I am sure you get the drift – sometimes that shit also don’t help

Weather the storm Bro – Best I can say.

Keep writing – are you seeing any therapists? I had an appointment today. Understand if your not in a position or just not wanting that either.

Just thinking of ideas – How about good old Netflix. God knows my therapist refers to it often. I use YouTube but that can make people go more insane.

Hmmmmmmm

I’m hearing and reading ya. Just know that.

Glad your writing about it at any rate.

[salvator here]

Thank you, Ponder!

Well.. as far as my routine, I've been failing a bit in that department. I do get in the shower every day, but haven't gotten my hair cut since early January. Given up shaving so I look like Grizzly Adams; I look like I feel inside; completely drained. I've actually been struggling for a bit now just keeping it quiet. I don't know what brought this out again, but I recognize it. Somewhere along the way over the last month I got lost within my own mind and stuck, I don't know how to put it?! Things were starting to go a bit off the rail around September. Sleep was (still is) erratic. I managed to get out and see the kids in costumes on Halloween (Favorite Holiday) but I was not quite there, sad to say.

I do get outside every day, because if I don't, the agoraphobia gets a grip on me that is quite difficult to break - been there and done that - and it was pure hell. I don't go out for long though and these days I keep to myself and rarely engage other people anymore because people are unapproachable and filled with anger and personal conflict. I don't get a good feelings from people and I feel the world has gone completely nuts. Been struggling with even making eye contact, I can feel animal mentality in people. I usually look away and that also makes me appear as a target but doing just that very thing, i feel that way anyway and I'm usually well in touch with my 'gut feeling(s)' when out in public and trust my instinct. See what I mean???!!! Like Social phobia on steroids for me now. Some people make my skin crawl on some days. So hard to explain, when I'm vulnerable, people pick up on it because my body language gives it away without me even saying a word. I don't know. I'm not satisfied with how I blurted everything out but that is best as I can do given my state of mind.

However I force myself to walk even to the bench down the hill. Today was the first day I was able to meditate and bring down the commotion and noise. At times, things were quiet in my head and I could feel the breeze and sun and sounds (birds, cars, falling leaves). Didn't last long though and back to being bombarded with intrusive thoughts/thought patterns and worry.

Yeah, I hope to just weather the storm and keep myself out of the hospital. I don't do well in those situations. Just more and more bills that I can't pay. I Just hope it will work itself out if I stay in touch and go easy on myself and forgive myself. What else to do, really.

Yes I do have a good therapist now finally that actually listens. She gets me and also listens to what I don't say that also gives away.

Netflix has been a life saver for me and youtube. Struggling with music. The other day I was hearing Elvis jumbled up and that wasn't at all what I was listing to. Oh well, could be worse, I suppose. Now I can laugh a bit at it. My mind in a circus.

Thanks again, Ponder, for your concern - Means a lot as I don't feel comfortable on any other forum currently besides AF, so I just stay here now.

PS - I've already edited this over and over again and changed it and considered not even bothering at all because I feel all over the place, but I'll just hit "Post" and let it go raw. OK there goes it and logging off for today.

[Ponder]

Really glad you have someone that will listen. I talk most of the time when my therapist and I meet up. It’s good – for me I think I need to practice letting them talk. : )

Yep yep Laugh at the insanity man. You got it. Cry scream but make sure to laugh it all as well.

Thanks for explaining your position with the social phobia. I think we all have good reason to be scared and that we should not see the fear as abnormal. Society and people in it today really are fragmented. I am trying to focus on the good but at the same time reality is reality and no matter what brush I use to paint or even imo no matter what others distractions that people come up with – that we should also ackoedgle that dysfunction for what it is. We can fall into the trap of becoming blinkered. Like you can avoid the news by switching it off and avoiding all other forms of negative conditioning … but the one thing you can’t avoid when you go out is the obvious side effects in others out on the street or in the malls. For that – like I said, when I am doing the bare essentials, I just throw on my disguise and pretend to be hopeful. Think like when forcing yourself to go for a walk.

I’ve been practicing without support. Still scares me but I pick my times, play ambient music that I like or listen to podcast. Me going deaf makes it hard at the checkouts but I am learning how to deal with it by planning ahead. It can be draining trying to be upbeat when so many people are down. I try to understand others though. Must be hard to be a check out person these days. Planning each trip and prepping for the phycology and how to deal with difficult people can help. Let’s not forget how our own minds tend to keep us from seeing those few who would otherwise brighten our day. They are out there – we just need to practice finding them and making connections when they count. Very hard when we ourselves are down. For the rest – just pretend your busy on your phone or even call someone and have a chat. If no one to call – use a pod cast that might interest you of simply keep you distracted from ‘feeding back’ to all the negativity that is there. Sometimes those people just need a smile too. Best not make it coy though. Lol

Yea Sal – I am concerned just as I am sure others in the gang here are too. I’ve done my dash with a few of the crowed here – but it’s all about getting back up and moving on. I can see that is a quality you have proven in here before with your writings and so on. That said – I really appreciate it when you write about the struggles you have to face as well.

This one has helped me re my own fears when around other people. Thanks Sal. I hope some of what I have also said resonate as well.

At any rate I hope this finds you feeling a little better.

Raw is good – awesome post! More of us need to hear it like it is.

Sorry for long response. Late one for me. I'm off to bed.

[salvator here]

Yeah, me to! Same here, though.. when I get her on the phone, I can't seem to STFU or barely let her get a word in :) She always says just go ahead when I accidentally cut her off and lets me rattle about the same shit over and over again. I just have so much to get out, I guess, so much pent up, I guess. I don't know, I wish I was the type that spoke my mind instead of keeping it bottled up inside. She says I'm very deep because I analyze everything with great insight.. almost 48 years in this shell, I know myself quite well. I've been called a lot of things, but, shallow; far from it!

I'm getting better at laughing and accepting my mental illness. I do take it hard at first, but then after I can just chalk it up to the wiring of my brain :D I'm unique and I wouldn't change that, other than the things that cause me pain and anguish. I won't change for this world or other people, just for the better of myself.

Other than my therapist and med provider, I also have no other support IRL - Just me; myself; and I in the god forsaken world. Oh well, that is what I created for myself (solitude), and honestly, I prefer my own company and wouldn't be a good friend in this condition to anybody, anyway. There is nothing wrong with silence and peace and quiet. Sitting here writing here with the TV playing nonsense lightly behind me is just fine with me - I love it like this - no kidding!


I just throw on my disguise and pretend to be hopeful. Think like when forcing yourself to go for a walk.

I'll try to remember this when on my walks. I did get out today and pushed through the crap. I won't give in and let it get me easily.

Thanks again, Ponder, for your heartfelt reply, means a lot to me. When I write, if even 1 thing I say helps somebody else, I feel it was worth it. Honestly, I was going to delete it today, but your reply made me decide to leave it be. No.. today was not really better, but I feel a bit more at ease for some reason this evening. Even though it was a beautiful day outside, everything was just completely a fucked up mess inside. Just pushed through it to get to the other side, I guess. [-EDIT-]I struggled all day trying to beat away the noise and commotion with little success. Being around other people today was somewhat hurtful and a chore for some very personal reasons that I'd prefer to keep to myself. I understand the reasons and they are what they are and a this point in life, I don't think I can change these parts of myself and I shouldn't have to. Regrettably, I'm easily 'read' (body language). Nobody can tell me different, and here is where I even lose my therapist at times. Call me crazy or whatever, but, People 'sense' things and 'feel' things (I know I do) and I can't escape this. Its happened too many times to be coincidence. So My choice it to hide away for the rest of my limited time on earth, or just be myself without apology. Yes, its a hard call sometimes, but I don't deserve to be hidden because I appear unwell in the eyes of other. I deserve just as much right to be here and thrive as those (so called) "Normal" people.[-EDIT-]

PS - Ponder, I didn't know you were going deaf?! I hope you don't lose hearing totally. Wishing you well with that.

Maybe I'll write more, but might just let this thread be. I should really start a new thread as this one is getting a bit long in the tooth.

Take care and thanks for reading everyone. OK Final edit just had to get a little more out there between the edits.

~Sal

[Ponder]

Yea - I'm only doing the things outside in public that is only essential. I've been doing it that way well before CV. Just like all things, best not to over do things.

Do you have a backyard re outdoor exposure? Like for those times your not walking? As for walking I do it solitude mostly and like it that way.

I'll reply a little more in my other thread when I get time. Just wanted to touch base real quick was and see how ya dong atm.

When I first joined here back in 2013 I had no assistance. I am hearing ya with regards to that. I've been big on self help and despite being fortunate enough to have support now, nothing changes. Those support don't work unless I help myself. It's like the medication concept. It's more like a bandaid assist. It's useful, but only does part of the work. If you don't get involved with the GPs and really be aware of how the meds are impacting on both the good and bad - make continual assessment, well then like all supports - complacency sets in on both sides of the fence. With my social support (support workers) I am often feeding back on what is working and what is not. They have to do reports themselves on just that in order to warrant the service. With or without them, the only time I generally do well is always when I am putting in the hard yards myself.

Yard Yards? Yea ... it's like that for those of us that have to laugh at our instability. But we don't always have to see ourselves as ill. Language is everything. Whilst the term Mental Illness has merit in some context, in others the term itself can be quite negative. Unstable in a world 100% unstable is normal. The latter sounds much more positive for folk like us. At least in terms of 'working towards.' The key to that is also not having to succeed. Success can be good, but generally the term is misrepresented. I really hope your therapist in not overly pushing with goal setting but more into guidance at the clients own pace with a healthy focus on self acceptance.

Scratch that - I remember just reading how you were saying above that your making ground with acceptance. Just like most other things it's not instant, but a huge step with working towards. The work is only like so when were struggling - I try to avoid the highs because I know what's coming thereafter.

Keep growing the beard I say. Take slow steps and all that. :)

I don't know. We just do the best we can with what we have. Is not a competition like the rest of the world makes it out to be. That's where even the term work is overdone. How about instead of working towards, we just change that to moving forward. Where one road ends another begins!

_________________________________________________
_________
_
Perhaps we can be like the old guy at the end of this advert who is standing away from the crowd - yet appears happy with his walking stick wishing those well whom are fit and fortunate enough to be carelessly roaming around in what he no longer needs. Definitely a better way to view the world when taking it a day at a time. One step after the other without much ado.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKuYXNLGlOc

Soz if that comes across as cheesy. Must be getting desperate using a consumeristic add to make a point. Think Small! Did you see that sign being held up in the add. lol - Not a Lemon! hehe.

Later Man. Please tell me you still got your Beard?

[salvator here]

But we don't always have to see ourselves as ill. Language is everything. Whilst the term Mental Illness has merit in some context, in others the term itself can be quite negative. Unstable in a world 100% unstable is normal. The latter sounds much more positive for folk like us.

Sorry to only quote this part for now, I read every single word you wrote above this morning and was thinking about it all day, as well as what you wrote in your thread. Yeah.. took it easy on myself today as I was a bit fragile and struggled with even the little bit I did today which wasn't much at all.

I really like looking at it this way! Yeah.. Shockingly, I don't view myself as "abnormal", because I don't desire to be so-called "Normal". People aren't normal (I don't feel, anyway) just struggling to fit/blend in with the mass. I get it though, nothing wrong with that if that makes a person feel comfortable. Whatever floats your boa and works. I get it, persona thing. But For me, its not genuine and I am honest and genuine and not a carbon copy. I don't know.. still just wanna be me (unique, odd, or whatever), don't wanna change what makes me ME.. I don't hate myself at all.. I don't know.. Just wish I was better at disguise.

I could go on-and-on but better to leave it alone and as you said, focus on the positive and what I can work on to better myself and accept what I'm dealing with. Will take your advice and create a new thread, because, as you said, I want to end this cycle and create a new one.

I'll try to write more another time when I'm in a better frame of mind and address everything properly, I will!

I keep wanting to just close the page but you don't deserve to left hanging after everything you doing to help me.

Ok that is as good as its gonna get I'm afraid tonight no matter how many times I edit this. Sure am ready for bed I will say that much.

Take care and tomorrow's another day that's if for sure. What tomorrow will bring, who knows......Icarumba. HA!

"I'll be back" - The Terminator :)

[Ponder]

https://i.ibb.co/9VNKjh7/Bowed-Giant-Hectorsdolphin-size-restricted.gif

While you slept I launched a thousand tactical nukes so we don't have to worry anymore about all those triggers. Elon Musk has a rocket ready to pick us up so the fall out is a non issue - then we'll nuke our location once we are in orbit and off to Mars we go. ;)

I don't mind if you want to close the page Sal. I only hope you start a new one. At any rate ... do whatever is best for you. I support you either way. I'm happy if you just pop in mine from time to time or whatever way you want to play it. Hope you slept well.

[salvator here]

Hi Pedro..

Sorry to hear you are also going through shit - I read your other threads and I hope you manage to pull through everything ok.

I don't know .. my therapist knows everything but we're sort of stumbling now and while she tries, sometimes there just aren't anymore words. I do trust her, but not everything she says is correct for my situation.

Funny this thread was bumped, because I've been dealing with a bit of psychosis again lately. Not at the breakdown point ... YET!

[salvator here]

yes day by day, step by step, We are only able to go at our own pace, At least I am , no rush anymore :)Yeah, I'm trying to see it that way now and not look too far ahead.

[salvator here]

Weather the storm Bro – Best I can say. I NEVER forget this advice. I remember it when things aren't going well.

[Ponder]

Understand the issue with the bouts. I think those few of us still popping in and out from time to time are doing well just to do that with what and all going on in the backround. I won't write an articel on it. All good. I feel good that it's not me going crazy. :)

[salvator here]

Thank you, Ponder :)

[Ponder]

Woops ... that came out wrong Sal. I meant to say I am glad I am not the 'only' one going crazy. My bad. Doh!

[Memaw52]

It depends. There are therapists whom you really trust. There are family doctors whom you are familiar with. As long as you feel comfortable, and not forced.

[Ponder]

Yet to see a thread created by this sole individual.