Time To Get Back Up Again

[Ponder]

I figured I best follow through on my intention to start a new journal again; having mentioned it to a friend. I figured it was me dragging the forum down but it's been a couple of months now and after quietly lurking on the side, I can see if anything ... traffic has dropped off even more. Not to worry though ... is no big deal for me or anyone else that want's to lurk on the side. Lurking is AOK in my book. Pressuring people to integrate can be real draining at times. When my methods for stability kick in, interacting comes more naturally. In that regard I have missed this space.

I hope you get time to pop in like old times D ... if not ... no worries. Some of the old gang might pop back in to see if I am still alive and then we always get those few peeps that take a chance with saying hi. Always good to make new online friends.

So what's the news my end???? I'm still rather unwell, but sick of feeling sick. The news is up and down, but I will try to weigh more on the desire for wellness. My derailing can 100% be attributed to all that investigations into past abuse re compensation. The good news there is that I have finally got all the paper work and the associated documents read to post. Just waiting on one last bit of mail to come in. The latter is actually good news. After much deliberation and an ongoing review, I have finally been accepted on the National Disability Insurance Scheme. Otherwise known as NDIS in Australia where I live. I was already on a disability pension due to my mental illness's, but now this new system opens doors in other areas. I won't go into detail on it just yet ... as I have a planner meeting to go to and you never know how these things pan out as the benefits can often be swayed depending on the people that cross the desk. It's still a very new system as far as mental health goes and full of as many holes as there are opportunities. Basically the context of NDIS to the National Redress Scheme on past abuse is more to do with impact as relates to me. Whilst a few lose ends ... thanks to the help of my long standing therapist, wife and other community supports I no longer have ... I think I can focus a little on getting back to doing what works for me.

I still have one complaint left that's been going for months now ... re a manager of one of the mental health facilities I was attending. The too is nearing its end. BUT ... there will always be something. So having accepted that .. I am now doing my best to get back into a routine.

I've put on a tone of weight ... but that's OK. I intend to do something about it, but not going to bear myself up. I have renewed my gym membership. I just need to start using it once more is all. I am battling on the treadmill is all. The social phobia is back in full swing, despite my attempts. Alas the treadmill offers me a focal point facing a wall with my back turned away from others. I like it that way. I can just focus on my walk, jog, walk and jog. I then get off and that's my work out done. I really am back at square one, yet I feel good for having just got up out of bed, getting dressed and making my way to the gym regardless if I just do 10 minutes on the treadmill.

I think that pretty much sums up where I am at.

Take care folks.

Adios ... until next post.
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I'm still enjoying my gaming distractions. Currently in the early stages of a huge Cities: Skylines Tutorial. 65 vids longs. I'm only into video 5. I'm in no rush ...

https://image.ibb.co/ivZyUf/Cities-Skylines.jpg

[Dahila]

Good to see you back,
At least some good news. I think we need to pop in here more often. I feel that we should do it ;)

[Ponder]

Hi D. Yes. The Mental Health forums need not be a place to frequent for when just feeling down. I ended up going to the gym this morning but like I say, more a case of just going through the motions. This I am content with at this stage. I have my planner meeting tomorrow regarding NDIS. Did not do too much today. That makes me think about the long grass that urgently needs my attention + the numerous other tasks. None the less the gym was a good start. Let's just go with that.

After saying I would never get a GAIA TV (https://www.gaia.com/) subscription; I ended up getting one. hehe. Perhaps I ramble about that experience:

HHmmm ... GAIA TV is like a smorgasbord of Movies, Documentaries, Series and Meditation Videos that range from all areas of spiritual philosophies/consciousness/Awareness right down to Alien Theorists and Out Right Winged Bat Concepts. Just my kind of thing. :) Notice I left out the work conspiracy. The latter leads to closed minds and that generally pulls apart challenging CONcepts that would otherwise leave many would be sheep questioning. bahahaha bahahaha. Just kidding.

That said ... I do at times find myself laughing from time to time thinking for all the effort I put into having an open mind ... WTF are they on!!!??? You can't help but find a lot of irony and conflicts between the different Series that lend a little from the each of the other presenters. I don't mind the rehashing because that's how we learn ... filtering as we go kind of thing. I don't think the inconsistencies should have me writing off other peoples take on whatever it is they are selling, but I do see a lot of it when going form one show to the other.

For instance the whole concept on the Sphere Building Alliance (https://spherebeingalliance.com/) as fascinating as it is ... leaves me wondering what came first → StarGate SG1 or the Blue Avian's. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/roflmao.gif That said, I do enjoy the topic of ETs as a good distraction. On Gaia I typically switch between it and the other content on spiritual philosophies, consciousness and Awareness. BUT ... then when that starts to sound more like New Age Garbage Selling Books ... I go back tot he Aliens. :)

Whilst I talk about it in jest like so ... there is a side of me that actually gleans some helpful mind sets with regard to inner healing and that kind of thing. Gaia Tv imo does require a good base knowledge of spiritual philosophies, consciousness and Awareness + a must have of being open minded. The previous knowledge base I hinted at helps to filter what goes in so you don't end up with walls that immediately pop up.

That's my story thus far on GAIA TV.
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I think this concludes this evening's post.

Adios until next one.

[Dahila]

yeah Gaja is not so simple. I actually do not like concepts that are difficult to understand. There is two reasons for that one; it is not logical. Two; it might use language that most people do not use it :) Take a day off, I had done it yesterday just did not do anything. .
Are you watching anything good sci-fiction?

[Ponder]

This planet is any thing but; logical. In fact the imposed systems and those leading them, ensure that we live in complex worlds. In this way people of all facets are hemmed in, pacified in a way that makes any effort to escape suck the life right out of them → before they have any chance to truly comprehend. Think of it in terms of a complicated legal language designed specifically to keep people from defending themselves. (Lies & Deception 24/7 that keeps us hooked) What should be simple is not; purely by design. Extend this complexity across all areas of existence throughout our society and you quickly come to see why so many of us are viewed as sleeping. I think the term awakening is a good one when it comes to finally seeing, although waking up in this respect is often experienced as the beginning of yet 'another' nightmare! To exist in a complex world whilst 'content' to sap up the juice that feeds one addictions, but then suddenly awaken to understand the mechanism whilst all those around us are seemingly still plugged in ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/horror/scared-smiley-emoticon.gif ... that often leaves one feeling more lost and alone. Think of the guy in the matrix who betrayed Morpheus and his gang so that he could get back in!

Hmmm SCI-Fi this day and age. :) I get more entertainment from GAIA TV. hehe


I am watching re-runs, again and again. It's so much nostalgia although I am sure that has a lot to do with it, but like I have said before ... today's story telling is full of too much gloss, plays on addictive desires, and overall quite draining. Not to mention the short episodes when dealing with the classics of old that then expect us to hang a year or two before then releasing the next season. ZZZZzzzzz Those with more eps are on the opposite scale; too plastic and shallow. Perhaps make for good comedy. hehe.

That said ... I have been allured with a couple that are too few and far between. Travelers took me a little while to take in, but it had enough for my walls to recline where it then actually grew on me. It had a good mix of age making in it making it more believable and feel less like watching today's space cadets scifi genre and refreshingly no need to stereotype gender, sexual orientation and all the other societal hangups that so typically weigh down the sci/fi and all other genres of today.

Those ones that do prick my intensest of late, have been Interstellar and The Martian. The latter more overly dramatic and quite sheepish, but still ... compared to what's been around or on TV today ... it was a good for shits and giggles.
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You had to ask. :) ... Walking Dead although not really Sci-Fi in my book (But will do) Is bearable. Not like it once was and possibly still losing more people. ITS OK. I even watch Fear The Walking Dead. It's my go between for lack of decent sci-fi and outright comical space cadets presentations. Game of Thrones whilst again diverging from Classic Sci-Fi does hold the best of what today has to offer ... A good mix of Gloss WITH story is painful only due to the iconic short seasons and excruciating long bouts in between. The answer to all this for me ... is RE-RUNS.

The REAL Star Trek Genre and Stargate Series - EVEN the original Battlestar Galactica from the late 70s. Again I am sure nostalgia has a lot to do with it ... but then again NOT. Regardless of age ... the world is changing in ways that have nothing to do with pinning for the past. Our culture is simply not the same in the way that you can compare lost art.
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I best get out of this chair, have breakfast, maybe ... just maybe ... tend to the long grass! Clean up some more ... or just CLEAN UP and get ready for my interview later in the day.

I don't know D ... It's just my perspective is all. There is actually some good Sci-Fi out there ... it's just not as readily as available as most of the 'garbage' regardless of past and present. The truth is we have had a LOT of BS thrown at us through out all time and still will have.
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I get by good enough. My PC gaming has a lot of good Sci-Fi Content. I find it better in many was, although the TV is good to at least change the distance at which I view my matrix screens.

Srry if this was rant like ... I have been lacking sleep. I'm working on that. Getting there ... slowly but surely.

Each to their own. Their just my preferences ... and how I gel. I have a couple of friends who see differently and I don't mind talking their talk. Sometimes they help me come around. :)

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Opinions shimnions ... Yard half done. Flooded the blower so going in for a game. ;)

[salvator here]

Opinions shimnions ... Yard half done. Flooded the blower so going in for a game. ;)Welcome back, Ponder :)

Glad to see you posting again. I'm not really doing so well myself, but it good to know the forum is still here.

Take care and know I read what you write.

[Ponder]

Good to be back and thanks for still being here. :)

[Ponder]

Respectfully, Why I Will Never Again Set Foot Inside Your Office.

Dear 'Government Worker/NDIS planer',Respectfully, Why I Will Never Again Set Foot Inside Your Office:

Two points to this dilemma of not being able to come back to your office and losing trust in the very system that claims it's their to support me:

1. Environment and Lack of Insight.
2. Conflict of Interest.

1. Environment and Lack of Insight:
I feel I was deceptively lead into an Employment Agency via an NDIS planning meeting. As a result, what little 'Trust/Hope' I had - has now been crushed.



The thing about suicidal tendencies is that you don't really care what authority or power threatens you; although this is a double bind because fear still dictates 24/7. None the less I will not dictated to in order to receive support. I don't need that kind of support. The fact the 'no one' warned me that I would be walking back into an Employment Agency regarding NDIS, and given the particular event that lead to my disability pension ... those facts alone only further validate the insanity that plagues me regardless of what certified labels are pinned on me.
________________________

One of the last times I set foot into a Employment Agency was with a Petrol Can & Rope. This resulted in Police Intervention and being pensioned off. I've been trying not to harp about it ever since. However despite not being arrested, locked up or admitted, those events are still very much alive for me ... and will be for the rest of my life. The permanency of my condition has been validated to your superiors many times.

Adding to that, that my history is already on record and still no one told me that I would be heading back into an Employment Agency regarding NDIS. Let's just say I am once again bouncing off the walls and have no intention of walking back into your office. Again, the fact that authorities already know about these events, and then makes me fight to get assistance only to have me march back into their oppressive system. I only ask that you think about that. I like you and do not hold these systemic issues against you. I think you are good at your job and hope to see you again ... as agreed.

2. Conflict of Interest:

'Government Worker' ( ... a staff member in your office who was at the centre of most recent events regarding the public humiliation I suffered via 'Flourish Australia Hervey Bay' and it's area manger - 'Government Worker' to whom is currently under investigation for discriminatory practices) ... now having moved from his position then with Flourish Australia, now taking on his new role as an NDIS assessor / staff → could not allow allow me to walk in undisturbed but instead decides to say 'Hi Dave ..." On this my wife hits the nail on the head, by suggesting given the history between him, I and Flourish Australia, that ('Government Worker') just had to make his presence known.
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It's important that these background events be taken into consideration rather than just dismiss my feelings and choices as merely reactive and conducive to my 'certified labels.' I'm trying not to focus on my certified symptoms or act purely form a persecutory point of view. (aka victim mentality) What I am outlining here once again is systemic failures and being very forward in why I will not be coming back into your office.

IMPACT on the day and since:
Let not my ability to convey from my own space conflict the nature of my disabling traits.

As you know, my speech was extremely erratic, fast paced to which paved the way for my typical one way babbling. I am aware and now sorry (somewhat ashamed) that me being that way made it very hard for both my wife and you to help and assist. My wife says to me that I impeded your job due to my state, and that this will probably affect the quality of help I would of otherwise received. Hence this is typical of my life these days and why I am seeking such supports.

Already not doing well before (as specified on my applications, reviews and assessment material) I am now beside myself - once again caring less. I still want to get support because as history, I & others know, I do well when I have it. Especially when not having to continually prove myself and or being oppressed through sheer oversight and systemic imperfection. (When those outcomes our based on my stability and what's best for me rather than job creation.)


I regret that the start to our meeting has only exacerbated my natural predispositions, yet I wish to continue on this plan to receive help. I wish to make it clear though that I will not participate in a building associated with employment. I was victimized for many years under that system and the events that lead me to exiting play very much into why I will not wiling enter into such buildings. I also say one more time ... I will never comply or enter into goals/aims and agendas based on Job Creation.

I am sorry for the long email (NDIS Planner), but this is a far better option than me walking back into your office with a petrol can and rope. I beleive I have made my point and done so as mindfully as I could. I need to know that in all this I am well understood. Please pass this important and relevant information onto the NDIS Anchorites. Nothing changes for me as far as I am concerned.


Please advice of any would be breaches or rejections coming my way due to these here statements. As agreed, I do look forward to you seeing again outside your office and hope we can work together in bringing about stability. Please feel free to contact 'Government Funded Worker' (a long standing physiologist working regular with me for number years) who knows just how well I can do, when I receiving support in a Safe, well Structured and Consistent environment.


In summery, my dealings with the Government and now your office have been anything but Safe, Structured and Consistent. Once again ... nothing personal to you ('Government Worker/NDIS planer'). You did your best to make calm me down and reassure me. I apologize for my then anxious state as to how we met. I hope this email shows you that I can be so much more. I think your quite genuine and awesome at your job. It really is more about the circumstances, complacency and the Lack of Insight typical to an overwhelming system. It is what it is. I just had to express and make it formal. Please do attach this my NDIS notes this information from my perspective will impact ongoing relations. This kind of thing I will end up sleeping on for weeks and months.

Thank You ('Government Worker/NDIS planer').


Yours Sincerely
Welfare Recipient.

[Ponder]

I could of just kept rehashing my anxiety attack, but chose to write that instead. The National Disability Scheme should never of fucked with the Mental Illness side of things. They are ill-equipped to do so. From my perspective on the front lines as a once recent active hoop jumper, I can tell you they are making life much harder for those currently certified. For those individuals not diagnosed and slipping through the net ... life is looking more worthless since these welfare reforms have been taking place. Melding these mental health services back into the Grind / Employments services, will only make many of us give up the pre-existing services that we 'were' participating in. In fact they have pulled them ... that is the problem. EARN OR FUCKING LEARN is the chant our system preaches. Big stick mentality. You get the gist. Is how we treat each other ... the value of humans measured in such a way.

Sadly the monetizing of such supports is paving the way for a more oppressive state. Is what it is. Those unsatisfied with their positions will continue to act as self police... and thus the stigma shame and blame continues. Just as authorities wish it to be. Alas the Face Book Mentality ... the way we all now treat each other.

Thank God for Open Minds. LOL ... Bit of an In-Joke for ya D.


To be honest D - I find that place just as toxic as FB ... but my perspective on humanity is quite fragmented. I'm not sure I will be bouncing back this time around. Fuck living this beggar's life. Fuck this world. All that charity and volunteer work ... its still not good enough. FUCK THEM!!! FTW!!!

[salvator here]

I'm Having a rather bleak outlook on (so-called) humanity or whats left of it as well, but I remain quite estranged from it anyway these days (by choice) and I'm okay with that for the most part. I'm a loner, but just wish I could incorporate people into my reality by as needed basis, but people disappoint me each and every time and I withdraw even further and trust nobody whatsoever these days.

I say that same thing that I won't be able to bounce back when they system slaps me in the face countless times, but somehow, I get up each time more determined, the constant brow beatings are exhausting and wear at our resolve. I know that.

I think you should be proud of your achievements and your volunteer work, you've helped people because its whom you are by nature from my perspective anyway.

Truthfully, the world will always let us down because people are selfish and only out for themselves and "use" people and step on people to get ahead. Don't change who you are to fit in. As time goes by, I'm realizing I shouldn't change anything about myself unless its for me and my personal growth.

I'm sorry I don't have much to say positive, just not there at the moment, but I did read everything. I have many appointments next week that I'm not sure I can deal with. They say NO before I even get finished asking a question lol

I hope you will find a way to enjoy this weekend regardless.

[Ponder]

Thanks Heaps Sal ... That was quite a boost. Have to settle the little fella for bed, but will be sure to return in good time. Your on the mark. I'm so glad your still around. I reply in full soon enough.

[Dahila]

oh appointments are awful, I am glad to see you Sal, D,
I had such stressful time last week and Saturday that I had to rely on pills, could not calm myself any other way . Next week i work on fr****ng market for ten hours on Saturday, and on Sunday huge show , I had to get up at 5:30 . I cross my fingers that it goes ok. eh

[salvator here]

Thanks Dahila, I'm also medicated right now, would be impossible without meds given everything on my plate. Sorry things have also been rough going for you, good luck with your show, sure its worth it :)

Hey Ponder, please don't feel you needed to reply to my posting; keep posting as usual, sometimes I tend to be a "show stopper" without meaning to LOL :D

[Ponder]

I enjoy replying. :) No stress. Although I have to do so around the time of post lest I simply forget what transpired in my head.

Hi D ... hope things take a better turn.

Hope the meds are working for you both. After all, they are suppose to help.

I started working out in a park with a friend who is looking to me as a personal helper. Truth is he is as just for me.

I place not too much expectations on it, however am setting mini goals for us both. Mostly routine and going through the motions.

That's all for now ... I am feeling a little better now that I have some sense of a plan ... at least for now. Just hope this cycle lasts longer than the last.

[Ponder]

Back up at 6am and did another bout with a friend. :)

[Ponder]

Up once more and doing it all again. I am however struggling with late nights on my PC as I can't help but be totally engrossed with the simulated city I've been creating. It's hard making a world where everyone can live in peace. Getting there.

Oh yea ... I got a very positive response to my email regarding NDIS. Better out then in.

[Dahila]

Gents are you ok, Ponder is on the adrenaline rush which is good , you see everything works out , everything. Beside everything will pass,,,,,,,, then there will be peace

[salvator here]

I'm ok!

Good to know Ponder :)

I would like to believe in Karma and when good is put out there.. it will come back around; sometimes not right away or when we expect it to.

[salvator here]

I think I'll actually be ok this thanksgiving also. Nobody should bother me to celebrate and I'll just do my own thing. Maybe just head over to the few dunkin donuts open and chat up the other "strays" so we feel as we have something in common, so to speak. This WILL be my first sober holiday in ages. YAY!!

Do you both celebrate that holiday?? If so, I hope everything goes well for you both.

[Ponder]

Not I, but I hope you have a good time all the same Sal. Doing well enough D. I assure you I am not take anything to give me a rush. lol .. just know what it takes to get back up and doing the best I can - as in actually doing something about it while I can. I have to still crawl out of bed ... but once I get up I feel much better for it.

My last few posts are more about me working on my spells ... the power of words can not only do a lot of bad ... but also a lot of good. :)

Congrats on the success you've already had Sal ... I like your intent. :)

The power of intention is a very powerful tool! Nice to see someone else using it.

I agree D ... Peace will come in one form or another ... yet there is much to ponder in how short that period may really be. hahaha ... Next life scenario ... what a depressing thought. Let's just work on this one shall we? Rhetorically speaking I mean.

Hope this finds you well.

[Ponder]

Not exactly a fired cracker and nor do I want to be ... but I'm back up again and moving again.

[Dahila]

Hi guys, Sal I do celebrate Thanksgiving, in Canada it is second Monday of October. We celebrate it in my mother country Poland with a lot of festivities, On late September, I believe
D, I was just teasing you. I know it is so hard to get motivation to even get up in the morning.
Sal I am sober for like 35 years already :) I am also smoke free for 9 years. It feels good.
Ponder I do use mantra when I am stressed out cause it helps me to replace bad thoughts with good ones, :)

[Ponder]

Here is the truth about me. I don't take medication because it might seem I am strong. The fact is due to the pressures I have endured and continue to suffer regardless of fault or reason, I am about to turn 50 years old but feel like more like a crippled 75 year old waiting for his last breath. Not someone who has retired with all the bells and whistles or another who criticizes those beneath them whilst going about preaching to others the success of one's life.

I am rather quite weak and feeble minded nearing my wits end. The post traumatic stress over the last 18 months and the amount of proving requires by the system is extremely disabling and oppressive. Especially when you consider the outcomes and expectations that society both sells and dictates. Fancy ideals that come at a high price ... out of the range of most with a clean up system that cares little for human life. These services that claim to care for the ill and disabled are really nothing more than part of that clean up system. I'm getting too tired to bother trying anymore as I now discovery this National Disability Scheme I thought was going to give hope, is now seemingly part and parcel of that draining system. The latter another story where I must let go, yet the system keeps pressuring affected individuals who wish to utilize supports, yet take them away and industrialize them. Such has been the latest welfare reforms with the use of the NDIS. It's been a long and slow process that's only just now fully taking on mental health. The implications are extremely draining via an illusive goal setting, more proving (12 weekly check ups/justifiablity) and employment mentality. Societal expectations and ideals set the agenda over individual needs. That being a double bind to the sales pitch and when one considers the constant updates and proving required combined with running this scam along employment agencies ... Like I said before ... I am back sitting beside my petrol can!

I don't take medication because they too, like this system just end up making me fucking sick! My heightened sensitivities are not all bad - some are just natural and I don't do well when my body takes in foreign substances. The weakness that plagues me whilst can be attributed to PTS is secondary to that of the abuse this world dishes out whilst itself then only looks to justify by blaming those it saps. Labels, labels and more labels. Most in it are slave to said system where those who try to take a stand are too quickly drained. In this context it matters fuck all the reasons who is on meds and who is not. The end result is just as traumatic for all involved and for me it's all about the end result. In this we are all the same.
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So it is that I recoil when hearing others tell me how strong I am because I either do not take medication or am in the process of walking early in the mornings. The truth is I struggle everyday just to exist in this repressive world and reject all BS claims of those doing so well that we manifest the imperfections and resulting abuses/costs - that plague our supposed self induced world.

I don't see my self as soldiering on ... Never Have. To me I detest such terms in my hyper arousal - yet my sensitivities I would never trade off to such a shallow world.

Currently given the IRONY I am to endure through this seemingly ever BS NDIS program and all other deceptive schemes like them ... I am more crippled and oppressed than anything else. My reasons to remain medication free and get up in the mornings are anything but to do with strength but more to do with a will of no longer wishing to be so easily led. The latter a realization that is not so much about giving power to said broken system ... but more about giving it back to me from where it was taken from when I took my first breath in the gOd forsaken fucked up world.

Those that need the help most are not getting it, whilst those who could thrive on less, lap it up. Such is the extent of our equality.
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Righto ... on the note ... it's time for me to go help myself and a friend to stand on our own two feet and get back a little of that power that's been sapped like so.

Thanks for being here D. I am overly sensitive ... but it to I also shall respect ... have to for my own sanity. More people could to with mindfully feeling their feelings. Meds impact me a huge amount with doing that ... yet another reason I don't take them and less to do with feeling strong. It was not just the adrenaline comment but also the strong comment. I'm kind of not doing well with jokes lately. I know you mean well and in fact a lot of good came from it with my typical in depth responses.

Be Well.

Adios until next post.

Excuse grammar and readability ... running late ... Will edit later. (maybe just a quick one)

[Ponder]

Took over my lightweight mobile gym equipment and my friend and I had a good beginners session. I found it quite refreshing and my friend likewise enjoyed himself and somewhat surprised at the effective work out we had just completed. For me I find the motivation of having someone to both help and in turn them being there for me more effective than being with a service that is really not there for you, but simply doing a J-O-B. The latter the kind of support many of us do not need.

I try not to think on that, but turn my attention to today's group ... one I created that meets at my place. We have been meeting on Friday mornings for some time now. A couple of my friends from the mental health place I no longer go to. Instead we help ourselves. Must be doing something right given the guys keep coming back. No outcomes ... No Goals, No fucking EXPECTATIONS or having to PROVE.

Works wonders.

Well ... other than that and some more learning of PC games ... I think that will be my day done. Help Lisa with a few things to keep the peace as well as give her a break. Family Court still looms!!! More assholes with wigs dictating with anything but the best interests of child in mind. Sighhhhhh - Authority ... who needs it.

OH YEA --- STEAM AUTUMN SALE!!! (https://store.steampowered.com/) is on. Better Sale than the last one too. I bought a couple of DLC for Railworks Train Simulator and was gifted Sniper 4 by another friend. Massive sale on the latter and not a bad game with the way I am feeling of late. I do much prefer my simulations games though.

Cities: Skylines has been keeping me very busy and I have also started learning with the Train Simulator.

Between all that and trying to do my daily living and with Lisa in mind + grandson and helping a friend ... I am doing all right.

Not sure about this NDIS bullshit ... but that's pretty obvious ... don't ya think. lol

Matters little ... I will make it work. Just blowing off steam.

[Dahila]

you have NDIS bs I have some kind of f***** 15 hours training for diabetes, it is unbelievable, someone makes a good money on others suffering. They still use the system which is like 50 years old. eh
I am sorry if I came to strong, it was not my intention. I am struggling now like hell, Can not go to sleep even if I sleep it is like 4 or 5 hours which is not enough for me, waking up in the middle of the night is not so nice.
I do not know, I have a so many days on the road that I do not appreciate life. .....
I survived the day soon I am going to bed, D. forgive me.

[Ponder]

There is nothing to forgive D. You know I or we, are not into that sufferance / penance / shame and guilt bullshit. That is for the both the religious and secular brainwashed sectors of society. I am remaining transparent as I do with everyone. Seems we have a couple of threads going now. Your welcome to start your own, however I know it's not your thing. Just keep popping in here and use this space to rant, ramble and or encourage as you do. I hold no resentments ... real friendships overcome hurdles and grow all the more because of it.

I hope you wake a little more rested than when you first went to bed.

[Dahila]

yes I had sleep ok. oh ....... I am stressed out thinking about Saturday and Sunday, There will be no time to rest till Monday , We will be ok,

[Ponder]

Thinking of You This weekend D. Hats off for doing what you enjoy. :)

[salvator here]

I'm also thinking about you both.. I really was thinking about you!

Thanks Dahila.. made it through it without any booze at all, funny to say that for the first time in ages.

Thanks Ponder, yes power is strong within me and my willpower was strong that the temptation. At times, I felt lonely (and empty) and without family or friends, but music pulled me through.. had to find stations not playing the holiday songs though. TV was sort of...ugh...celebrating and all. Its ok so long as I don't fall into the trap and its no different than any other day(s), its all a business anyway and I realize that, good for the little ones I suppose. Okay.. I'm VERY thankful I'm a "free thinker" :) :) :)

I hope you both have a nice weekend and find something to enjoy and put everything aside for a few days until Monday. That is what I'm gonna do (try to anyway)

[Ponder]

I like how you understand what works and what does not for you. The way you also keep yourself going too is another good aspect that rubs of well on me when I read your posts. I know it's not always a bed of roses ... but am really pleased when your pulling through. :)

I had some family crisis happen close to home last night and got no sleep - I think I will have early night tonight.

Take care guys ... Night night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I will continue my getting up early in the mornings and morning exercise routine. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hope weekend was OK D .... Your to Sal ... Sunday night for me now. Soon to be Monday. ZZZZZZZzzzz

Thanks for popping in. Both of you. It gives me a positive boost and helps very much. I must make an effort to change my stance and work on those things that also get my through. Thx Sal

[salvator here]

You're very welcome! I want to help others and not hinder without meaning to which is why I avoid negative complaining in other peoples threads if I realize I'm doing it of course, because, I got the feeling it can rub off.. so I'm glad something I said helped you. Don't get me wrong, something I feel paralyzed by my emotions and fears and beliefs; luckily, I have moments of clarity and realized that what/how I'm feeling is usually something from faulty upbringing and incorrect beliefs over the years of being in a haze. Bah.. is what it is I guess.

Let us know how your weekend went Dahila, I read your postings and I guess it takes a toll of you, hopefully worth it in the end.

[Ponder]

Some people need to hear the truth. Otherwise we end up with a forum full of people, but one where they cry over spilt milk and blame others for their own doings. I'm still doing it myself. It's a long process accepting the truth.

I support you know matter how your feeling, what your saying or what your doing. We have too much judgement and hate in this world as it is. Learning to accept people for who they are is where healing begins.

[Ponder]

... and on that note ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

Just after 6am. Zzzzzzz. Time to get up and walk the walk. Life sucks, but feels better once you start moving.

[Ponder]

LOL my daughters hair dying episodes has finally resulted in her skin turning purple. She somehow it got on her and when she had a shower ... well ... She is freaking out whilst we are waiting for pics to be sent. We are all in stitches - can't stop laughing. Pacthy Purple skin is now in. I doubt we will get any pictures. Sadly this is not what she needed.

She was recently just sexually assaulted at our lovely local hospital. Police and Hospital seriously investigating. Hope the fucker loses his J-O-B!!! When I say 'OUR' I am speaking sarcastically as to sound like those self righteous fuckers who think they're better than everyone else. : ... Oh but I went cold turkey and I am so clean - look at me ... look at me ....."

Bash any vulnerable people lately? You FB types are good at doing that. You know who you are and so does everyone else. Go fuck yourself sunshine. - Dickhead !!!

LOL - incoming text ... My daughter looks like an Avatar like from the movie. Sadly I won't be posting that one.

[Ponder]

Even the solution to throw money at people discriminates against those who've been to prison... authoritarian principles that could not be any more hypocritical as on one hand seeking resolution, whilst on the other ... constantly rejecting. Those rejected will continue to be oppressed by self police. AKA brainwashed sheep disgruntled in said system who do the systems bidding.

Everyone's judge and jurere. Thus the rejects/rejection will continue.

The nature of this illness is thus permanent ... until one gives up completely on society and the false self. This planet is far worse than prison, so too the so called self righteous system that defines who shall be helped and who shall be not. The only people that thrive in such a society like that ... are selfish people.

I am all the things that call to be rejected ... yet it is through a life of constant rejection that I continue to live as a reject. FUCK YOUR SOLUTION ... it only favors those that lie and think of nothing but self.

Who wants to live in a society like that? 0.001 %

Is what it is ... Better out than in ... Acknowledged and Accepted!!!
__________________________________________________ ___________



OK Moving ON.

Something Positive I did for the day was go for an hour walk this morning and this afternoon with a friend. We are still getting up early in the mornings and working on reclaiming our mental and physical health. We both suffer similar permanent conditions of an episodic nature making the best of whats left within. Well into week 2 and going strong. Have started working out at my place as well.

I'm going to chill with one of my PC games before bed ... might even watch a bit of Gaia TV. Much better than some of the BS I've been reading in here of late. Minus those few who actually encourage rather than blame and shame.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz Have a good day/evening.

[Ponder]

So you want to bash junkies hey? It was probably you or someone like you that then decided to send me all that BS about fire and brimstone with several bible verses via FB to which I typically don't use. The fact that some of us dysfunctional worthless non participatory individuals still use such toxic media, says a lot about our resolve to keep in touch with others whilst yet slaves to social phobia - our most adorned label.

Individuals suffering under the hammer of stigma and all it's associated shaming and blaming will only ever exhibit anti social behaviour. Thus those that come up with a special set of prerequisites in order that others will receive vs those that shall not and then go on to orchestrate, design a hierarchical structure that sees players fight for every scrap, sit back and thrive on so called reward - rewards that can only ever be generated from the suffering of those that have not. Such a reward secondary to the Babylonian Monetary System as the latter feeds the former. Hence the only form of freedom that can be truly experienced is that from 'being' a non participant who no longer needs nor wants or cares to be; as defined by said oppression.

Nail that process of disconnection and you will no longer be drawn into the required bashings and brow beatings. In this ... the repressive system need not exist.
__________________________________

Hmmm ... Tis a constant battle to be sure and I'm obviously still suffering. This the extent of what it means to be in this world ... alive and kicking. Hmmmm I must admit though I have had good periods in which I have only ever been disconnected.

Is good to be writing once more.

Keep rattling my cage, I got plenty more.

Time for my walk.

[Dahila]

You are upset , I had not been here for few days, yeah fb is awful, people are so judgmental there eh.

[Ponder]

It's amazing how much truth spills out during these emotional states. Working on it D. Feeling better having seen you pop in though. Had some major drama go down at the same time as that triggering post. (the one you have already commented on - btw thx ... appreciated what you said)

Sigh ... The whether here is has extremely sultry. Very sapping. Still though I am doing my best to keep up my morning routines. I am grateful that I have been able to do that. So far so good.

Thanks for your understanding. I would understand if you felt it best to give me a wide berth whilst I am feeling like so. Personally ... I am glad you did not. Don't think for a moment just because I am not using FB as often that I have forget about the connections we have made over the years. It is the same with the others who have gotten to know us in that time.

For all the pain we have expressed regardless of imbalance, we have also shared many insights that have help each of us right our boats. I know I am not easily understood and or seen as a crack pot ... but it's worth it to know the few who occasionally check back in here.
________________________

Enough ... what else is happening ... You deserve good news for showing up in here. Hmmmm ... I am eating well enough. That is true. Makes no sense to eat like crap when your making efforts elsewhere with the healthy lifestyle living. I am dreaming again. That's always good ... even the weird ones. :)

Oh yea ... Me and the little one had a good jumping session on his new tramp:
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4837/32215250908_58dbaf8e6c_o.jpg

I read up on how this activity is really good for autism (like any 'activity' really) used my small loan money to order and build it. Just big enough and can also hold my weight in it so we can have fun together. That's a top of the range brand here in Australia. Vully. Needs to be because of the intensity of the sun here. Is very safe all round and well constructed. I'm just glad he has a safe place to let out what he must after spending time at school and his dads. We also just go a pool recently, but we keep that at our place. It takes more maintenance and also a safety risk. But the thing is both he and I have the means to mix it up when we are both in need of blowing off steam. He is getting bigger now and being a stick of dynamite needs things like this to help him process and let the toxins out.

So rest easy in knowing me and the little fella are still helping each other out. :)

[Dahila]

Oh that's excellent, I would not mind to have fun there with the small one.
D. I know you for so long I understand your posts, some people do not read it, they scanned it, Whatever we read we need to understand it.
yOu have a full acceptance from me, and I expect nothing less from you. I do get it,
I was shaking while answering to twitchard, not kidding, It was also triggering post for me. Very much so.
he is f****n preacher, we had people like that , tons of them here. The tone was cruel. How someone can think that drug addicts or homeless chose it???????? What the f*** is happening with society? I think I am too old to understand people and their antics.
I am too old, to follow cruelty or indecency ......
You had me in stitches with the purple color and Avatar, my most favorite movie, The movie allows me to foget about everything. Next instalment is next year. till next time D :)

[Ponder]

Indeed, you do understand me. The irony is as you know, they're the ones that make the worst abusers. Both religious and nationalized types They are the 'self-policing mechanism' used within that much loved system. BUT - Let's continue with the connections we have made resultant from Twichards negative tone. I thought you might appreciate the follow video I happened upon whilst looking up how to pass a certain challenge within a video game.

You might have to give it a minute as the video make you feel dizzy for the first minute and a half. At was at that point I smiled and it all became clear and for me, my day/evening suddenly felt much lighter. Give special note at around the 3-and-a-half-minute mark where the essence of how positive connections are made. That was truly priceless for me to see in both the young and old fella. It's when you can appreciate life like so that our own troubles pale by comparison, and or we are fortunate enough ... we might even find value in ourselves regardless of what negativity says and thinks:

Five Minute in the Life of hdgaming360


https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=4&v=Rx652TKExE4

My favorite part (https://youtu.be/Rx652TKExE4?t=217)← of this video.

I know you will at least get it. :)

Thx again D!

Have a good day/evening.

[salvator here]

Some people need to hear the truth. Otherwise we end up with a forum full of people, but one where they cry over spilt milk and blame others for their own doings. I'm still doing it myself. It's a long process accepting the truth.

I support you know matter how your feeling, what your saying or what your doing. We have too much judgement and hate in this world as it is. Learning to accept people for who they are is where healing begins.Thank you for this posting and reply, means a lot to hear that. I feel the same.

I'm sorry I've been so quiet, been rough lately all I can say I think, I'm having trouble accepting the truth (about my limitations and situation), hopefully I'll make it through the long process and see the other side. Like I'm walking through a crowd sometimes of people with baseball bats taking shots at me and I wind up battered and bruised at the other side and barely able to get up and see the point and appreciate that I made it through a lot. I can find many people along the way to blame no doubt about it, but that won't help because most of them are dead or doing worse than I, plus, some of my own decisions also got mere here and nobody exactly forced my hands in the matter. Need to figure out how to put a life together that I can be satisfied and content with, not really looking for happiness and bliss, I guess. No sure if I'm coming or going these days honestly. Mixed up I guess.

Again sorry I've been absent and I'll try to be here more. I'm glad we have the forum.

Hope you are doing alright Dahila and Ponder :)

[Ponder]

Hi Sal ... that was priceless man. Really made my day reading you like that. Like I feel the pain, but more so your choice of words. You have evolved way more than would be shamers and blamers. Love the analogy of walking through baseball bats as well as the part about picking up the piece when coming out the other end. You said a lot more in that one paragraph than that ... that's what I mean about being priceless.

Well said!

Yea ... I am doing OK today. Thanks for asking. Means the world to be asked. :)

TY.

[Ponder]

Free Reiki Healing Session ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHbaPiN9QX4

Requires good headphones, a quiet space where you won't be disturbed and an open mind.

[salvator here]

Watched this with headphones and wasn't looking for sleep so that lead me to others and I spent most of the afternoon listening to guided meditation on youtube.. so that was good.

I think even though I realize and understand that I'm different that the norm (and trust me, I'm totally grateful for that) I still compare myself to others when in public and I need to stop. I can look at them and see what I wish I had and also what I'm glad I don't have (referring to their personality and social traits mostly), if that makes sense. I wouldn't even want to be anything other than a free thinker. I cant imagine being a follower, but still, sometimes I feel isolated and out of touch. I have been getting outside everyday though for a little bit even though its not always a good experience, feel I just should. Holiday season is rough too, sort of walk around like a zombie. I'll be fine I'm sure when its over. Most joyful time of the year and people are everything but that.

Anyway..

I'm glad to hear you're doing ok that makes me happy.

PS: that is so cute on the trampoline in that pic :)

[salvator here]

Took me a little while to find it - this is one that really helped me today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uX8DaFK7B80

[Ponder]

Thx for the link. Nice scripting for from a hypnosis point of view with good timing between words, and sentences. The information provided helped to explain the process of letting go very well. I've been into this kind of therapy for years and I know well just how important it is to open up in order to get the best from these guided presentations. For as just as much it is an art for the presenters / practitioners, so to it is for those of us allowing ourselves to undergo these practices. I connect well from a spiritual approach which is why I seemly flake out pretty quick with spirituality minded practitioners like that one I linked above. I still like the one you linked though. Very much so. I can be a bit picky when it comes to voice ... especially with clinical practitioners. Understanding how the process of self/hypnosis works can really help as the presenter is no more than a guide, where it comes down more to how we allow ourselves to open up. There is a LOT of misconceptions out there on this subject as too a lot of closed minds.

It pleases me to know you like this kind of thing. :)

I kind of get where you coming from re the social thing. I say kind of, because I am not sold on the idea of pushing oneself in order to be seen as fitting in. Not meaning your into that. At least you are being mindful of how your acting or seeing yourself in said social situations. All the preconditioning we are subject to 24/7 influences us quite a bit. Catching up in here with you is as much a connection for me as it would be to be seen out at the local shops - BUT - it actually means more to me because I know I am getting more of a connection here with you now, than I am with others who typically hide behind things like clothes, jewelry, trinkets, cars ext ... when out and about. I do understand though it gets better making connections outside when we ourselves are feeling better or on the better end of our episodic cycles.

Picking the right times and places to walk can make outdoor greetings a lot more genuine whilst at others times they can be seemingly more shallow. I tend to cross the road in avoidance when I am feeling low because doing so will be more conducive for both parties involved. In this light avoidance is not such a bad thing. Then of course there are times where I am feeling quite apt, yet I may refrain from pressuring others whom I detect our low. In cases like that I remind myself how I was feeling not so long ago and am careful with whether I will greet and or how I may alter my tone. Your right though ... most people care less. So it is that I see you as special and like the fact you don't see yourself as normal. Excuse the lingo ... but *&^$ being normal. Not in today's society. I'll be having none of that thanks. Yet ... I have to be careful with the hate. All that hate currently out there is so quick to attract. It's not just hate but also a lot of pious and self righteous police. I will assume you get my gist. If not feel free to ask questions. :)
______________________________________

Thanks for the boost re my grandson and his tramp. Hope this finds you as well.

Once again ... choice link!

[salvator here]

Thank you for everything you wrote. I read it several times already and I appreciate your advice, I know you mean it from the heart with makes it more than just words. I thought about it throughout the day and will try to apply some of that to what I'm going through, a lot of it applies to me actually. I like especially what you said about cycles.. " when we ourselves are feeling better or on the better end of our episodic cycles".. that is the key with me - things seem better at the end of a depressive episode. Right now I'm still in the throws of a rather long depressive cycle and sometimes I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel for me and that leads to suicidal thoughts that I need to chase away with any means as quickly as I recognize it (the pattern) because they are very damaging and detrimental to my health.

I'm sorry to come in here with negativity, but I think you prefer honesty rather than fake. Its ok and things will change, when it rains; it pours, but the sun will come up and I need to be ready (mentally) to appreciate it and enjoy it.

Have a nice Sunday and I hope you're doing alright Dahila too.

[Ponder]

Not at all Sal. Keeping it real is what counts. I don't see it as negativity whatsoever. Unfortunately society pegs that word too often on those of us (and itself) when dealing with hard core truths. That's why our society tends to be rather shallow. I see that as nothing more than a perspective ... my world view. Nothing negative about that. You see how it is others that tend to project negative reactions when hearing things that conflict with their own beliefs? Happens with us all. Learning to drop the emotion helps us to see more. What we see is not always so easy to digest. This is how many people go mad without it really being anything inherent, yet the predisposition of long standing illness can indeed be passed on. The world has a lot of it's own work to do before blaming others of simply being negative. Do you kind of know what I mean. Srry if I am not making sense. Basically it's not just a case of us being nuts when we see this shitty world for what it is, yet when we find balance we can choose to feel moments of peace ... within all the discomfort that abounds.

I am in a rush right now ... but your insights and honesty is actually very positive stuff. I talk more about that with us all in mind when I have more time. We all help each other by keeping it real. BUT - we also need to keep things balanced with perhaps the way and what we allow ourselves to feel (maybe the rate at which we take things in as too having boundaries to protect and stay as healthy as we can) and also in how we react. None of us are perfect. The episodic nature is something many services in the community do not understand about the more long standing cases of mental illness; as too those suffering with the illness themselves. Is good to understand and also another thing to make moves in doing what we can.

[Ponder]

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz Need to get to bed ... going to go to gym in the morning. It's been a while since I went in there - despite keeping active with a friend.

[Ponder]

Hi Guys. Been while since I though a video together. Just me taking the 350 for a spin. I'm still learning to drive the trains but good enough now use the camera without triggering the emergency brakes. Well sometimes I am good enough to use the camera and drive at the same time. Right now I am just killing time as the render is still happening in the background. My lap top is pretty good, but it is still a lap top. I had to turn the graphics down so the footage would not be tooo choppy, although still is a little. Over all though ... I think it did a good enough job. If your not up too much ... grab a cuppa and we'll take the trip together. I pick passengers up ... drive about 20 odd miles maybe more or less and then drop them off. Along the way I ramble a bit and just take in the scenery + make a few driving mistakes. :)

hmmm 75 percent rendered.


I am freaking out about the NDIS thing because I don't like having to front up to government offices. Much of what we have been told throughout the process is not what we are hearing later. My wife is now more skeptical than me. It seems they really are not taking into account my inabilities. Is a bit of a joke really that they make you fight so hard to quality for being disabled, only to then treat you none other than a commodity that must fit into their mold. I don't mean to be ungrateful - just question the whole concept of helping hand with so many expectations and pressures added in order to receive. So many people who don't really need the help getting it, whilst those more in need are being continually rejected. I fought so hard that now I am finally there, I have not much energy left to put up with the BS. Not sure if any of you understand ... just felt good to let that out. Render nearly finished. Hopefully the multitasking did not badly effect the finished file.

Now uploading ... a little more time to kill. Good news there is we not long ago had the internet upgraded in are local area. Even better we are very close to the node. My uploads are like 10 times faster if not more.

I hope this video finds you guys as well as can be. I have tried to keep my spirits up over the last week or so as too through out my video. Let me know if your up for more vids. I can show how my latest city is going in City Skylines. The PC games have actually been a good distraction for me of late. I really am starting to question much of what I have been fighting for of late. I'll probably get around to jounaling on that later but more interested in focusing on getting back into my exercise and healthy life style choices.

Forgive the typos and readability tonight ... already way past my bedtime. My work flow with video rendering and the like is still slow. Processing - Processing ... Youtube is almost done ... Processing ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz


Hope you enjoy the ride:
(Best to use headphones - my sound equipment and experience is not much chop)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l3QCoC6e6E&feature=youtu.be

Not happy with the upload quality ... oh well ... I'll keep working on it. Srry about that.

[Dahila]

hi I am here and I read it everyday, just letting you know Ponder and Salvator

[Ponder]

Is good to know D. TY.

[Ponder]

All good. I seem to be getting the help I need, but only because I am making the effort to be heard. Not so easy when not in the majority basket to which most programs tailored for. Just saw the psychologist who is writing a letter encouraging those intend to work with me come and sit in on one of our visits. That makes me think what a good repore I have with the psychologist. It's taken 4 years to build with that particular one, but it's been well worth it. Those services go a long way to keep many of us stable ... out of prisons, hospitals and so on.

Like I say, I'm not your ussual case, but there are more of us out thrmere than you would think. If anything I do believe if society does not change, it will only see more in need. Alas .. that perpetual cycle and self created need. The negitive side to job creation in an industry we would be better off without.

Excuse typos. Sitting in a waiting room, waiting for my wife. Thankfully I am the only ones, or else I would prefer the scorching heat.

I know life can really suck ... but things could always be worse. I don't like where I am at, but thankful for the supports I currently have. They are worth fighting for ... despite such a negitive word.

[salvator here]

Thanks for for letting us know Dahila you're alright.

Good to head Ponder.. squeaky wheel gets the oil, as they say. The system would love nothing more than for us to just go away. Society can create a revolving-door in and out of psych ward and that's just a quick fix to a long term problem, not a solution and only creates more bills I can't afford already. I'm hanging in there all I can say really.

I also try to remember things could be worse and sometime that helps, other times not so much because I keep going round in circles and never improve beyond a certain point. Keep winding up in crisis even on meds mind you so they aren't a one stop shot answer.

Hope all goes ok with your wife.

Take care.

[Ponder]

Cheers - Yes ... I am being somewhat overly optimistic. LOL ... You know how they say? ... "It's just your perspective."

I'm with you on your assessment. I hear ya.

[Ponder]

Basically after filling in my therapist, she jumped on board with me and has invited those pulling the strings to come sit in a session with myself and her. The trouble is the system ever only wants tick and flick from some doctor that really does not know the individuals and their needs; whilst yet preaching the opposite. Going by your previous responses, you obviously get the drift.

The good news for me, is that after contacting the agencies via their websites under 'public safely' and bringing up my history - One of the mentor guys that used to visit me off and on over the last four years (team leader and manager) is now stepping in to assist with the BS he knows exists ... then like I said, my therapist in now backing my with letters of support and invitation. If they reject her offer, then in my view they have just discredited their own intention with the so called preaching of 'Individual planning focus. So far so good. They are coming to my house this time around to avoid the otherwise useless appointment, manager is attending for the meet and greet and is also working with me on the psychologist proposal. Tomorrow I see the psychiatrist ... it's been about two months since seeing him. He is a bit slow with the whole historical drama - but I be optimistic with him too as I have now seen him more than a few times. Voluntary of course. That is my point ... I am making these efforts ... but being met with BS red tape and complacent service workers that just get in my way. My so called 'Recovery' ... Pfft

Basically In all that above ... it kind of shows just how much it really takes to be heard ... to remind these public servants that indeed (let'st face it - these people are doing what they do for the money ... it's not because they love me) ... one's wheels need oiling. This whole thing about bending over and being dutifully subservient and complaint only breeds more anxiety and depression. This is why the system is more geared towards prescriptions and care little to get involved with the real professionals/therapists on the front line talking us through the insanity of a broken system ... typically worded to us as 'imperfect' ... rolls eyes. Sigh oh sigh. I think I just managed to save this latest string of BS fed to me with the transition onto NDIS. It's a massive shambles here regarding that and mental health ... services all scrambling to get a piece of the pie whilst those that really need the help are now being rejected and further pressured. The government just comes up with more plans to curve the byproduct which typically results with more advertised campaigns that feed stigma and ongoing oppression.

This is why I think little of the comments about "Oh how lovely we have so many services..." Let's just say "that's their perception and it would change if they walked in the shoes of the so called minority"

I've been thinking a little more on what my therapist was saying about the system being tailored for the majority. The majority are usually those who unquestionably follow their doctors orders, respond to the adds on the daily screens, as well the the morning TV - indeed specifically designed for the masses/majority - but I think in reality the byproduct of such programming is very much evident in these so called stable citizens. In fact the majority of people today all take prescriptions. Its who and what we are as a society. Again ... The GP is called up as the first sign of evidence when really they know *&^% of the people they are dealing with. A persons progress is measured mostly on the type of chemical they take and at what dose ... all else is a mere secondary.
_______________________________________

BUT NOT TO WORRY ... this is just my perception. I'm told it will change when I later feel all warm and cozy ... the nice complaint type. nothing like a good prescription to aid in such a marvelous recovery. hahahahaaa

arrrr I got to stop before I piss myself. Once again my friend ... forgive my jest with the whole medication side of things. You have my full respect as too D with regards to that. I was merely trying to make a point with how the authority goes about gauging and judging ... those too, that do their bidding and of course all the pre-programmed sheep lining up at the medical centres for a 'repeat' ... kind of makes Twichard's analogy of 'Junkies' :( (his term - NOT mine - Grrrr) lining up for methadone moot. The whole context of that waffle I brought up about my therapist talking about the so called majority and the system being tuned to them - well ... you now have my thoughts on that.

Her point was why I am more often misunderstood. She knows what that works for me is not what the system cares for, and she also knows that whilst people like her are expected to do their bidding, that whilst the most appropriate supports, they are quickly dismissed when it comes to the buffering. I always have full respect for therapists like so that deal honest cards and work with clients detached from the BS ideology, authoritarian and corporate systems ... mind you though there are still plenty of interns brainwashed that latter become sheep for the system ... it takes years to play this game and keep afloat and lots of resilience not to go completely insane.

In this I find much wisdom from many of your posts over the last year or more Sal ... that show a lot of insights in knowing much of what I am trying to say here.

In the end I propose that we try not to let these truths rob us of living a stable life as we can best define that for ourselves. I have linked this forum for many would be so called professional 'sorters/boxers/adjudicates' judging me as to what impact I have suffered and or what I am worth to their system of supports ... their carrots. Not that any of them care to visit and read for them self. Yet I know once they read my thoughts their own preconditioned walls go up and they will write me off as worthless and deserving of my inability. So why do I bother? Because I trust no one and I like to let them know I don't trust them. If their carrots are worth eating, then they will still be there to offer me help once that have taken the time to properly read me. Trouble is no one has time for anyone anymore. It's all mission statements, profiles and little else.

I often put these words into letters and let them know what I think at any rate ... I don't relay on people following my links. It's easy to show the conflicts and present them back in the fact of those who love to oppress. I only wish more people did it. Those that do are typically told it's a trait and if they do not back down they will be labels ... the comes the prescription. FINE ... Lean to use that against that system. It can be done ... its just a fucking game ... but if not careful it can do you in. Take the label but don't be the label ... that I want to write about. Brakes away from the prison with some sense of real peace to be found.

Mostly the programs are like that ... you get the odd people who actually like their job ... like helping ... those people are worth fostering. It's why when I am doing well, I naturally help a lot of people in the community on a level where I can help those that really need to be understood. One people make it a goal or an agenda ... NOPE ... it's breaks down. It becomes nothing more than a prerequisite to receive money in order that you can eat, pay bills and have a roof over your head.

People like me and yourself ... we be true peers ... not this new age industrialized peer support that's sold off as mere social reintegration and employment opportunities. They now sell these programs like so and base the worth of human life on an obligatory bases that only reasons from the 'imperfect cliche' / ideology ... so too one's so called 'recovery' [pfffft] .... is gauge similarly. "Now let's see David ... what goals have you set for the year & .... yadda yadda yadda"

Nothing wrong with the goal setting as I actually know how it can work for me. I use mini goals like sign posts woven into a subconscious style of therapy I have come to know through neuro-linguistic programming .... and on with my yadda yadda. BUT - the systems way is to force people and that will NEVER work with me. Those the system entrusted to care for me as a rejected kid, beat me when I was a just that ... a kid ... why the fuck would I ever trust the system again??? Sure I can take ownership and have done so many times ... I hold myself accountable and do not play victim per sey all the time. Yes ... I do at other times when oozzing with PTSD ... but this topic is something else and does away with all those BS augments from the so called majority.

Nothing is going to change whilst the system waves it's big stick. Both the law makers, preachers and let's not forget the self police. Most here don't really know what goes on in the psyc wards or in prison. You can forget about all the reality TV crap ... that's not what fucks over people over under the thumb of the system. People are fucked over way before they enter into those pitiful so called corrective solutions. Alas it much easier to blame terrorist ... the individual.
_____________________________________

ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Is all good ... glad we could have this chat. Who wants to be part of the majority. hahah LOL ... put the in your psycho socialization reintegration pipe and smoke that! They will never accept the insight we have to offer and will always refer to it as not more than are distorted perception.

I'll go out on a limb once more by saying again ... I know you get the gist.
____

Yes ... my wife is as well as can be ... Thx Sal. :)

[Ponder]

OK ... none of that is an exscuse not to get up. 6am ... Time to hit the gym. Eeeerrrrrrrrr ... might have a shower 1st. ;)

Still having to drag myself out of bed, but know I will feel better for it. Pshyc visit at 10:30am.

[Ponder]

lol - failed attempt this morning but does not mean I'm bailing out. I am doing really well at the dragging myself out of bed routine, but not getting to bed early enough, nor calming myself down under my own will. That said I have been making good gains with all things considered. My friend and I are still maintaining a 3 day a week weights routine on scheduled times. All the other stuff kind of needs to be flexible for me at this stage with so much going on.

I thought I would continue with the jounaling. It's something I like and you know how they say doing thing we enjoy is good for the brain. On that note, I cracked open my compacts camera case and took the following snap if not only to keep the battery alive:


MY LEGO 4+ DECADES ON
My wife found an article on how to clean the old lego. Is now my grandsons - but I still also like to play. That stuff is like gold - worth cleaning. Good for his hand eye coordination. Just found out Lisa used the washing machine with the lego in a pillow case. Whatever works right? I should probably slip into a pillow case and throw myself in. :)

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4905/45282215305_989d5a7ce1_o.jpg

__________________________________________________ _______________
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Yea ... its is real important to do things we enjoy. Even when we don't feel we have the energy. I at least acknowledged why I could not make it to the gym, but still got up and found something worth while. It's time for me to change the tape. Play a more conducive tune. With regards to my cameras ... I am all imaged out ... but still feel the odd snap might assist in keeping the tone afloat. I walked past my chess boards and thought that would make a good change ... I enjoy a good game outdoors in the elements playing against my phone. The friend that is working out with me says he plays chess, although right now I much prefer my own limited time.

Finding time ... who would of thought that without a J-O-B many of us would still find ourselves with little time. I think is more a time management thing.

On that note ... I am going to move onto something else before my morning appointment.

Have a good day ... find something that might count as a stress free distraction ... to a point it becomes much more:

[salvator here]

Is all good ... glad we could have this chat. Who wants to be part of the majority. hahah LOL ... put the in your psycho socialization reintegration pipe and smoke that! They will never accept the insight we have to offer and will always refer to it as not more than are distorted perception.

I'll go out on a limb once more by saying again ... I know you get the gist.You're welcome and it helps me to know I'm getting it myself. Yes, they wont accept what we understand (our perspective), I actually keep much of 'what I know' or 'how I see' things/situations in day-to-day life to myself, if I go too overboard with my therapist and med provider they consider that to be the sickness (or as you stated, a distorted perception) when its not distorted at all as I see it, just a deeper understanding. They consider over my over analyzing everything to be OCD so I just keep things general when I discuss thing now and learned my lesson from that past when that happened.

Thank you for posting so much and I enjoyed reading it today :)

[Ponder]

I understand Sal. I really do. I might not reap the benefits of medication as some others do, (In this I am starting to waver and reconsidering but too resistant for my own good) however when industry professionals take objection to my understanding whilst wishing to have me fit in, they typically withdraw supports or threaten to do so. In my view, that's akin to forcibly medicating those against their will or seeking to have them boxed in regardless if they fit or not. Whilst with involuntary situations this is more common, it's not so black and white in the general population, however in the end it pretty much amounts to the same thing.

I myself enjoy writing about such things as is my way to determine my next steps ... or if I shall continue making any more steps ... or if I should give up completely. To be honest I know I will reclaim my some sense of sanity I had during the cycles before all this PTSD was opened up regarding the children's home / compensation. It has really fucked me over more than the BS carrots on the stick and whilst said claims are still open is pains me every fucking day! No one seems to care about that. In my view it seems so called victims are too caught up in the expectation of money as to all those involved in between ... very much so the latter. I just want it to fucking end!!! Sigh ... what the fuck ever. In many ways this the shambles with current welfare reforms feels very much the same.

I had a huge day today ... The psychiatrist is aiming to categorize me across the board. I've been too focused on the ASD. (one track mind) I've been wishing for a one label fits all and the ASD was looking really good for that, however it's looking like going back to a kettle of fish. Back to being a complex case. I've given in to accept whatever he comes up with. That said I still like learning about all the traits from across many different categories of mental illness. Whilst I adhere to philosophies on the dangers of trying to know everything, I typically resist others trying to box me in, however know too well just how easy it can be to do myself with constantly wanting to know all the whats, whys and hows.

I think I have about paved the way for the next ten years with regards to proving myself. I think I mean it's soon time to go back to just doing what works for me ... letting go of all the reassessing, reviews and accountings.

For now I am prepping for a new plan that's entrenched within the mental health system. It's going to be interesting to say the least. My goals are NOT going to be based on Goal Setting as the government defines it. This is going to be the topic of my psychologists guidance for the NDIS coordinator who speaks in terms of goal setting as defined by the system. Until these NDIS planners and coordinators understand my resistance to obligatory pressures and respect my ability to set my own goals on daily living, they will be wasting all that glorified money. Moreover that such stability has nothing to do with aims of so called 'reintegration' as they expect of me and so many certified permanently mentally affected individuals.

The most effective way in dealing with complex cases like myself is to help fit what works, into their subsidized boxes with regards to allocated supports. The problem begins with approved services being mostly main stream. Main stream services of course deal mostly in Job Creation that is more about spinning the money than it is about true healing. We have said enough on this. I will have to get creative in my suggestions to bend current supports to work for me.

The meeting with my therapist is going to be drawn up as a 'Stake Holders Meeting.' Hmmmmm ... The term feels very clinical does it not. BUT ... I don't care what they term it as long as they approve it. Not doing so as I suggested before can only invalidate all these would be claims of 'individual needs' The irony on using certifications (written by my current supports) to approve expenditure of money on myself (a commodity in a stake holders meeting) validated by the psychologist whose then invitation to meet up being then rejected is extreme. I will give up being on the program if that happens and happily write about it in here.
_________________________________________

Where was I ???

OK OK OK ... Is hard not to get bogged down with all the imperfection. Cough cough: MY PLAN ... Hmmm How to Make it MY PLAN. I guess I'll looking into what Therapies are out there I can look forward to using. The paperwork has kept me from looking.

I can't control the process that's leaving me with an open wound, but I can go online and start searching for what's available.
____________________

The main reason I am on this program ... is to salvage what is left of my life. Not because of what I can offer the community. The community fucked me over long ago and in that, I will remain damaged as certified for the rest of my life. In this there will be no compensation. That I can only give to myself. Those of us that already have, yet want more, will never be content. Whilst those of us looking on in want will typically go on to lose what we already have ... it is the way of our society ... adding to that those whom have no empathy continue to make rules whilst those that lie and cheat are continually rewarded.

No matter at least we have this space.

Hang in there Sal. I don't intend to turn into some extroverted social butterfly that's claimed to be recovered.

My so called goals will have fuck all to do with that.

[Ponder]

I finish with this link. Pay close attention to the closing comments. Also relates to not being your label. I myself am constantly tied to my history with all the above ... all that proving. It's why so many of us remain sick of constantly having to account for the air we breathe. How does one discontent from a system that ties them to their history ... never lets them forget? By disconnecting from all its ideology. This is why I avoid main stream practices or only seek those open to my own.

Although not in the same context, think about the cycle of the system as we have spoken when listening to this. She gives good advice ... nothing new .. but always good to hear it again or at least like this. It did make me question how I know I do so well when not caught up in the very system that seeks to keep my bound to my past as a means to justify feeding me ... in this such services become nothing more than hoops ... whilst this kind of philosophy is what I avoid declaring to would be authority. I say would be, because once I give myself over to living like this ... the pressures of this world seem less oppressive. The hoops can then become more like useful tools.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVcoWHyn5dU

It's dogmatic how we see ourselves ... how we cling and attach to the past. Also again huge irony how we are constantly called upon to prove our self which always involves our past. Seems key is learning what we can from it but then letting it go. The review process many of us continually go through is what keeps us down. You get the gist of that? That's what sent me around the bend. Still is ...

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz for all the passing the buck ... in the end regardless of others in our past and or on our current path, we are the ones left clinging ... doing it to ourselves ... therefore we are the only ones that can free ourselves. Yep yep Dave ... Just keep telling yourself that. Just your distorted perception. :)

[Ponder]

I guess I better get up. It's a brand newwww dayyyyyy. Zzzzzzzz lol. Big Yawn. Rolls onto floor ... quilt and all.

[Ponder]

This helps - simply explained, quick and effective:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RU0CDg7t_Y

[Ponder]

Hello D, hows the reading going?

What's up Sal ... You still moving.


One of my other interests:

Star Trek Discover - Why the 1st season was considered a flop.
Hate tactics towards original fans backfire.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLl17YXrAZY

This explains a LOT!

Note the legalities being the reason for the new Time Line. Looking forward to the day exploration and hope return ... regardless of Timeline. Much has been lost with current comprises to win over new fans. It has all but destroyed the Star Trek Series. From what I am reading and hearing, I am not sure that Discovery can save itself. Season Two (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZGUl_RHuzE) looks like it has learned nothing. Good for today's short attention spans ... :P

Thankfully picard will be in a stand alone series. That said, going by the latest writers; I won't hold my breath.

[Ponder]

N/P something is telling me to let it go once again.

[salvator here]

Yeah I walked today for the first time in ages, only 3/4 mile but been a while, stuck inside for sometimes weeks.

[salvator here]

This helps - simply explained, quick and effective:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RU0CDg7t_YListening to this now :)

EDIT: thank you for that one, was very helpful, would be better if I were thinking clearer, but maybe I'll try another time. Sorry I've been quiet, just a lot to deal with and sometimes seem impossible. I'll write a better reply later hopefully. I know you're also going through a lot so hopefully your managing.

2nd EDIT: Just realized you started your own blog, great idea and I'm thinking about it as well, hope it helps you. I know sometimes it seems feedback isn't always there when we need it the most, I guess I never really ask anymore. I know its not good, but when I most need support I tend to curl up into a ball and hide away from the world. Perhaps a blog would be great for those times to just unload because, of course, most times we answer our own questions anyway, I know I wind up going in circles most times, still comes back to me; myself; and I in this world. Life has taught me you can best rely upon ourselves when in doubt.

Just know when i come here, I usually look for your postings first. I understand if you want to try something else though, but I sort of think of you as the spine of this site.

Anyway..

I truly wish you and your family the best going forward. And I agree.. trying to remain stable in this unstable and unpredictable world is quite the chore.

Take good care of yourself.

[Ponder]

PM Sent. :)

[Ponder]

Full credit to you for getting back up and heading of for a long walk. 3/4 of a mile is a long walk after have stopped previous walks and then being stuck in the house for weeks. I understand that very well Sal.

I like how you keep getting back up. That is often more important than the walk. Try to think of it like that.

[Ponder]

A genuine giving video for a change. We got sick of seeing spoiled parents and their spoiled kids + all those glorified giving videos. We thought this one to be quite genuine.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iu4z9Ly4W30

[Ponder]

How does this sound? I will post my more generic light hearted interests that motivate me in this space here and leave the heavy stuff and insights on my Blog? Sounds like a plan to me. I'm getting ready to power on with a new routine centered around my NDIS planning ... I'll also leave that for my blog. For now ... I just share the fun stuff that comes to mind.

I make this my last post of the day:

THE SIMS:
I'm still following a massive 66 video tutorial for Cities: Skylines and also Learning to drive trains in Raliworks Train Simulator. I've even been posting in the Farm Simulator 2017 forum. But right now it's time for me to head back into the sims for some basic 101 escapism. It might even motivate me and give me some ideas to cleaning up my routine. I've in fact just read a couple of interesting articles on just that the other day. There are pros and cons to the way this can work as you will find if you care to skim the following links:

How Playing The Sims Taught Me to Really Live (https://www.success.com/how-playing-the-sims-taught-me-to-really-live/)

People Who Played The Sims Are Healthier And Happier, Claims Expert (https://www.unilad.co.uk/featured/people-who-played-the-sims-are-healthier-and-happier/)

It's on irony of sorts for me as my perspective on 'Success' is far removed from the way it's commonly sold. In fact the consumerist side of the game is a polar opposite to that which I yearn. That said I still agree with a lot of the healthy mind sets that can come about from using these type of living simulations. Sadly second life is off the charts when it comes to mind sets and something my wife won't allow me to play. I agree with others that second life has the potential for so much more from a game mechanics perspective. I only wish I was a game develop so I could implement many more options into the likewise games that are more aligned with my own personal insights.

Anyways .... whatever your ideals ... these kinds of simulations make for great escapes. I have all the Sims 2 and wrote a little about how I scored that through Origin many posts back in another thread. I am not sold on Sims for ... but am getting ready to load up Sim 3 via the PC platform knows as Steam.

Despite being a couple of years old, the follow short video looks to cover the history of the Sims quite well:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_M6FZc3FYp0


Just my 2 cents worth:
These games are classic examples of how great gaming mechanics are lost in the quest for graphical enhancements, leaving many previous would be fans disgruntled. Although a TV series, it happened with Star Trek Discovery :P :P :P - imo Sims 4 lost critical gaming elements and add too much irrelevant content with perhaps the sims 2 being highly regarded by many hard core fans throughout the entire series. Granted Sims 4 did have a few things new but at too much cost to those who already knew the series so well. Those not accustomed to the history of the game or new to genres typically are wowed with graphics and misunderstand unfavorable reviews. It is much the same with newly released likewise simulation games. Not always ... but typically so with pusdo commercial games like the sims. Thankfully Xplane11 was an improvement, but that's another story. I enjoy collecting many different version as what is lost in one still offers another aspect the previous ones do not have ... Sometimes we get lucky with games that have it all which is how I rate Cities Skylines from a city building perspective. Rarely does that happen.

Regarding Sims 5 ... there may yet be hope. :)
https://www.thegamer.com/the-sims-5-rumors-true-other/

The following comment in the above linked video comparison of games nailed it for me ... such things are lost in the race to wow new fans:
"sims 2 may have been limited (but) had the greatest game play of all time. the way the sim's interactions are incredibly realistic and detailed and that's what makes it genuine. For instance, if a child sees their family members fighting, they would run into another room and cry and the parent would stop what their doing, get down on one knee to the child's level and console them. That is so deep. would sims 3 and 4 do that? Nope. I feel that the creators really outdone themselves with sims 2 and its definitely the most memorable."
295 likes with many agreeable replies.

If only the newer releases kept these critical dynamics. Oh well ... is hard to get the best of everything. :)

[Dahila]

Hi Dave..............................

[salvator here]

Thank you Dave.. yeah, gets harder to walk when spending too much time in bed. I get back up because I don't want life to get me so easily.

Can you believe I'm still playing my old gaming systems. Maybe upgrade someday LOL :D

Wouldn't be the same without you here :)

[Ponder]

Thanks for making my day D :) Hope the salt helped and that the ice is less of an issue?

You can't beat most of those classic games Sal. If you do, there are worth playing again and again. :)

[Dahila]

I found a page on net and I am already so deep into it, puzzles https://www.thejigsawpuzzles.com/Puzzle-of-the-Day/Ice-Cream_1-jigsaw-puzzle
it calms me down so much and you can chose from 20 pieces to I believe 500 , On huge monitor it is a pleasure, Ponder you were right it is very satysfying ;) Nightgflyiers new sci fiction series,; I like it a lot a lot

[Ponder]

Cool. Great Idea! I love the jigsaw puzzle site. Thanks for linking me up. Srry, I can't say the same about Nightflyers. I've already been involved in a few rants with other sci/fi fans on that one. It's pretty much what Star Trek has become. BUT I am glad you like it D.

I find it's not easy to find stuff that gives me a boost. More of what's an offer seems to just drag me down. I have enough drama in my life of late. Been struggling with tendencies again. My cortisol has been WAY off the charts that exercise and eating right has had no positive affect. I need to find positive influences in my life about now, (I consider you one of them) so what I take in from TV to the topics I choose to focus on ... I need to be careful in that sense. Yet I admit ... an honest approach is not always the comfortable one. In this regard I am not so easy to read. I am, and am not ... sorry about that. That's just another conflict which can make honest writing all the more harder. "Simple but not easy" ← good old - Jon Kabtt-Zin - Hope he is still going strong. :)

THANK YOU for linking that sci fi! I mean not to be down. It just made me think about the available content of late and to be honest that depresses me. I think I need to find more comedy but am out of touch with a lot of the actors, demographic, culture and so on. I don't find many of those funny. Perhaps when I am not feeling so suicidal. I find myself watching some of the older dramas as they seem pretty tame compared to now. No political correctness, gender issues, marginal hangups, sexual complexes and the array of other BS that is consistently spun into the themes of our day. I thought changing genres would help as I take over an hour to choose what the fuck ever between Netflix or Stan ... but pretty much all the genres are weighed down with that overly dramatic soul sapping content that does more to leave me feeling depleted than actual provide an relief, escape or whatever you want to call it. More likely a hit!

But not all is lost ... on occasion I do find some content that allows me an 'escape.' I find it sad that being a term many of us pick. When I am feeling more spirited, more in tune ... I can handle the gloss and even appreciate it. It's just with so much TV now doing incorporating Hollywood Block Buster Gloss ... well, I think from my perspective I find it unbalanced in a way that effects me negatively. So it is now that watching a movie or TV is something that gives me trepidation knowing just how unbalanced it's all become. Perhaps I am only one of a few that sees it this way. I don't know. Something in me tells me I am not. I am just not so easily distracted any more. Whilst this might be seen as a 'sucks to be you' kind of thing ... I choose to view it more as yet another awakening. Waking up is not some spiritual gift or blissful event ... quite the opposite. I wish I was still asleep!

Thanks D - you have kind of helped me with your sci-fi link. I have been struggling very much on just how depressed I get when flicking through the Nefitlx and Stan Menus. I think I know why now. It is what is - I'm as low as you can get with rock bottom ... I think I am ready to start healing once again. Just getting real tired of the cycles is all.

My NDIS planning ended up going quite well as the people sitting around the table in my house where very open to my insights, my fears, and my hopes. My package is somewhat different from the majority in that I handle my illness differently from most. This fact will always have me seen in a minority; even in places like here.

I think I leave it at that ... Yesterday I was talked down in a very positive way by someone from the Redress. I really really needed that. Is good to know they are getting better at handling people over the phone.

I try to post about something uplifting in my blog later today. I wanted it to be the other way around ... the light stuff here, and the heavy stuff in my blog.

I just type ... how I feel at the time. I've actually made an attempt to not dig a deeper hole. I always try in that regard - otherwise actually jumping of the chair would be an easy affair.

[salvator here]

I know ponder, the cycles drain me and leave me seemingly less able to repair each time. Totally get the cortisol being off, I take prednisone that directly affects that hormone, leaves you shaky and unable to sleep well. Do you know why its off? I'm unsure what can be done to correct it naturally. Sleep isn't refreshing or restoring for me, I wake up like I was hit by a sledgehammer most days.

I just like to hear form you here or there no matter light or heavy, just feel when you go quiet you are suffering in silence and I know that all too well - trust me.

This is a rough time of the year for a lot of us, sometimes we can blame it on that, triggers are strong for me now. Family and celebrating and everything.

I walked today again in the cold 1 mile and it was almost silent and I had time to think (not all good but important) and I feel I'm accomplishing something again. Sort of in zombie-mode though during the holidays but I try to not be a complete scrooge, at least outwardly as beast as I can. The lights are pretty and some (not the religious stuff) are nice to hear and I can get into frosty the snowman.

Anyway, we care about you here, you'll be back up again and going strong soon enough.

[Ponder]

Thx Sal - I got plans today. All good. Walking detoxes in many ways. :) I like your style with the trudging through. We hard cases obviously knows what works, otherwise we would not continue to forge on like we do.

Keep posting while you can ... it's helping a lot of people and beleive it or not ... the forum is slowly ... slowly seeing more activity. I see this forum as one of the more grounded places to be.

[Dahila]

eh I hate this world guys, everything is good, except I am not happy on this planet, Good cause I do not have many years, rather the limited number......... Today I hate everyone, yes me D. I do hate people ..............some days

[salvator here]

Funny thing.. If I go along and enjoy my own company will little involvement form other people, things don't seem so bad, its other people that ruin a good day for me. The religious nuts are already coming out of the woodwork this year which makes things nasty for me.

[Ponder]

Reading you loud and clear Dahila. It's the same with me when I am stable enough to take in the early or evening sun whilst bathing in the fact that I too will eventually be done. It's moments like that, that I am able to truly breathe. There is solace in what you say D. Many people do not understand it. I find it's a positive way to welcome death. It's a sad fact that we are taught to fear it. So much so that we live a lie ... aka ... Living The Lie.

lol Sal - I thought at first "that's not funny" but your right ... I ended up laughing because if I don't ... Grrrrrrr. Yes we get them here to, but all throughout the year. Knock Kock! ... I find the spamming of all kinds just as intrusive. You can't even rest in your own home without people knocking or ringing. From solar panels to Jesus.

Check this out ... I just took a photo of my front door:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4873/46220019802_c0f8bc6b4b_o.jpg

Lest the devil answer with no joy to be had. Lisa created it as a means to keep me calm as the courier drivers knock way too loud and always in a rush. In a sense it says more about me but since putting it up I am now more amused at how various people react. I still get annoyed with one guy who yells out "AUSTRALIA POST!!!" Kind of an irony ... I just smile at that guy despite my annoyance and his obnoxious resistance. Others then knock extremely softly ... go to the other extreme ... that one usually brings about a smile on both ends of the door. I leave the sign up because of that latter fact. Tradesmen also seem to have different reactions - my support workers think it's cool.

It's the most polite way I can forewarn people ... lest a demon answer the door. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/devil/angry-devil-smiley-emoticon.gif

Once upon a time ... such respect did not require such signs.

[Ponder]

I'm OK with inviting others or even putting in a request for time with others, however I am the same Sal that when other people interrupt that time or my solace ... I get all conflicted and wind up in a fuss. Interruptions such as my family or friends needing genuine help does not seem so bad, however if it's just someone wanting to sell me something thing or some belief, then yea ... that is a real pain in the but. I'll respect it ... but that's another story which requires respect as well.

It's harder when we are down and out hey? I think it's fair enough and that we should not beat ourselves up ... but I do admit when I am feeling more up ... that I can handle that kind of BS a little better and might even start to think like a sheep giving the BS smile back. "Hello how are you today?" but then you know ... every now and then you get that "Do you know Jesus?" Well perhaps things have moved along in that regards. PHEW ... Yet ... it still happens as you say.


I don't know man ... maybe we should just get in the spirit. Take the zombie fever to the next level and walk around like ice cream cones with big bright eyes and a wide cheesy smile:

https://i.ibb.co/5WTFxYx/hello.jpg
Hello, Hello, Hello, Good Morning, Good Morning, Good Morning, Merry Xmas, Merry Xmas, Merry Xmas ...



Perhaps get really excited and go on FB and advertise myself for free casual licks? Seems to be the in things these day. lol. arrrrr ... got to have a laugh man. Free Lick anyone?

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_________
_


Seriously ... I am going out for coffee this morning with a friend. Long over due. I have been asked to write about what I would like to see in a group. As in 'Group Therapy.' Currently I have been living very reclusive and whilst I like my solitude, I do feel the need to get a little more active out of my house. I have been struggling to get back up this time around. I see if I can focus more on that with the next few posts.

Adios until next one.

Have a good day/evening guys. Remember folks ... we can say whatever we want in this forum. Use that to your own advantage. Self moderation is key, but we understand our limitations in this forum and won't criticize or threaten you if you accidentally fall off the edge. If we do - it says more about us than it does you.

[salvator here]

Yeah, I shouldn't worry about it so much, so long as its not personal to me directly I can overlook it. Just when people say I'm going straight to hell I get all jacked up.




I don't know man ... maybe we should just get in the spirit. Take the zombie fever to the next level and walk around like ice cream cones with big bright eyes and a wide cheesy smile:

https://i.ibb.co/5WTFxYx/hello.jpg
Hello, Hello, Hello, Good Morning, Good Morning, Good Morning, Merry Xmas, Merry Xmas, Merry Xmas ...



Perhaps get really excited and go on FB and advertise myself for free casual licks? Seems to be the in things these day. lol. arrrrr ... got to have a laugh man. Free Lick anyone?

____________________________________
_________
_

:D :D :D

[Ponder]

I'm digging the ice cream face. :)

[Ponder]

Back up and out doing the late afternoon sun walking a couple of miles at a very mild pace. Spent the whole time on the phone via blue tooth ear phones. Whatever works. In fact I talked my previous walking partner into starting walks on his side of town whilst I walk on mine. That way we each wont interfere with the other's pace, but be back to priming our circadian clock. Without a doubt its the key to my sleeping success. YAWNSSSS ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

He is the guy that comes over my place 3 times a week to do body weight exercises. The funny or sad thing is ... I have a gym membership whilst doing all this and have hardly been accessing it; yet I am seemingly set to keep quite active without it. I start with a PT soon enough. That's really going to help motivate me on many fronts. FOOD is the killer though. But again ... the motivation boost I winding up will supersede most of those negative tendencies.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I have been so drained this last week ... but have made it through ... does not feel like the middle of the week. I often do not know what day of the week it is ... but again ... that's all about to change. I can't beleive how far I regressed this time around. Not to worry ... getting back up is a process. I am feeling confidant that I'll be alright. I just need to work out some more alone time.

Night night ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

LOL The police just knocked on my door ... but guess what ... They knocked Softly and apologized for distributing me when they left. See three posts from top of page.

Even Lisa had a giggle. hehe.

They were after a someone else ... next door.

That sign surely has to stay. :)

I'm always mindful answering the door now, knowing that - that sign is there. Whatever works ... right?

[Dahila]

you guys are kind but I just do not open door if they are persistent I open and say dont spek eglash then bam the door closed

[salvator here]

I've been walking every day as well - during the day to do just that - correct my circadian clock, because my sleep is very erratic as of late. I'm ok, dealing with bouts of mania, but its hard to say this, at least I can work with that and enjoy things and feel alive, better than being numbed from anti psychotic meds; I refuse to take those ever again. Today was good, walked almost 2 miles (to the dollar store and back) and wasn't lonely at all. Its a feeling for me (only speaking for myself) sometimes it creeps in out of the blue with (or without) the presence of other people. Believe it or not, I used to be a social person way WAY back, but I've changed (intellectually) and (as I see it) I've adapted to my conditions and circumstances which account for some of the changes form well over a decade ago to whom I am currently. Maybe that is not so wrong actually. I'm not that same person but I was also very very Naive and gullible then.. so not all bad.

Oh and I peek through the eye hole and unless it the manager I never answer the door; never.

[Ponder]

you guys are kind but I just do not open door if they are persistent I open and say dont spek eglash then bam the door closed


https://i.ibb.co/XxHyWwG/LOL.gif


Thanks for the read Sal. I guess that's why it is often said that wisdom come with age. A refining process that many others to not get.


Holly crap Sal ... I hope we did not deadlock our doors https://i.ibb.co/vPjTr8n/Keyhole-mini.gif http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/nervous/very-nervous.gif All good ... I got a spare for us both. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/phew-smiley-emoticon.gif

In a rush but I check PM when I get back and think more about what you said Sal ... Uncanny how I think the same way. I connect very much with both you guys with whatever you type.

Got to go ... my digital walking partner is waiting for a call ... just as well I we are both able to disconnect : )

[Dahila]

you guys not going to believe, yesterday I wanted to restart computer and my SSD disk borke, They made a clone and exchanged for the new one, like one hour, of course not charge,Never any disk let me down in 5 computers. eh . any way I do get up with the alarm clock does not matter if I had sleep few hours. I am getting up anyway, then go early to bed and have no problem to fell asleep. Sal I was called a social butterfly but I am everything but that, I had changed , I am not the same person, not even close what i was 10 years ago

[Ponder]

Srry to hear about the SSD drive. RIP - Hope the new one is up to scratch.

The new generations and the older ones still asleep/clinging, refer to such changes as no more than bitter and depressed aging akin to nostalgia. I'll admit one can become bitter and depressed, but such changes have nothing to do with nostalgia. It's more a case of waking up and having had enough of the drama.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be alone ... wanting space. I like connecting with others ... but finding more and more ... I need my space. People who can't live with themselves usually need others to hide behind ... whether it be behind one individual, larger groups and or typically ... systems of beliefs and ideals.

[salvator here]

I hope your computer was still covered by warranty Dahila.

[salvator here]

I even created a thread here about battening with bitterness either last year or the year before. I have to be careful with nostalgia; that can send me into a tailspin. Even had to throw away old pictures that were triggers.

[Dahila]

oh yes it is covered :)

[Ponder]

Something Different:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oM1c1MH0q7E&t=614s

The Last Thursday Theory also makes a lot of sense ... yet I still have questions. Always will. All theories sound feasible to me. Take your pick. :)

[Ponder]

Was sleeping really good but then got a call from a private number well after 10pm. Some machanic claiming I called previously. I could not remember, but then after the call ... thought what businesses call after 10pm?

Now blocking unknown numbers regardless of many governments depts that often call me. It's not worth the hassle of being harrassed. Hopefully those calling with a private or hidden number will receive a message telling them that the person they are calling has unknown numbers blocked so they can decide if they really need to talk, they can do it honestly.

Now to get back to sleep. Zzzzzzzzzzzz God fucking damn it! Grrrrrrrr

[Ponder]

All good ... did the following two exercises and feel much better now. This is why we need to drink more water and keep moving guys:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaefdiE4ovk&app=desktop

[Ponder]

That phone interruption greatly impeded my sleep last night. Nevertheless it was just the trigger I needed to get serious about cutting people out of my life that have the potential to stress me like so. As well as block all unknown numbers, I have switched off my message bank and the annoying txts that let me know when people have called. I'm also going to start leaving my phone at home more often and look into just getting an mp3 media device or just revert to my old mp3 head set. Fact is I would do better to start venturing out with less static constantly being attached to me ears. I'm also struggling going to bed without it being like so.

Another good move would be to clean up me email address by unsubbing and blocking. That way I might start using my email in a less stressful manner. The thought of my email account is as distressful as that when thinking of my phone. I really need to get back control of my life and I can't do that knowing just how much people have become slave to their devices. Sure many love this aspect ... but not me ... not since waking up. It was not so bad during those days we were asked when installing software if we would like a service to then simply tick the box, but now it's all about being subject to everything where if we do not want something that it's up to us to make the effort to un-tick ALL those boxes. Many of the newer generations will not understand how much freedom we once had. Moreover just how oppressive our lives have become.

From now on, I relegate my phone to a very small number of people and use my email in my own time. I have some work to do regarding my email as it currently weighs me down.
__________________________________________________ _______________

I never really considered just how much I have been drained via my phone and email, let alone all the door knockers. I never had this problem 20 years ago living out of town. I still had a phone and email address, but it was nowhere as bad as things have become this day and age ... regardless of living in town. I don't mind living in a larger place where I can access more services and community groups, but not at the expense of continual intrusion. Not to worry ... I will start addressing these points of invasion and advice those services that wish to hide behind private unknown numbers that they will have to use email as I am no longer using my phone.

Email also has the benefit of holding people accountable ... which is why so many services do not like to use it. Being called out of the blue is also something not good for my focus and leaves me vulnerable to being easily influence. This dynamic is something that many people and services exploit. I really think I am onto something with all this blocking, cutting out and dialing back of use of said devices. I even think this might be the case with cutting back services.
_______________

Cool ...

Righto ... on with my day.

Adios until next post.

PS - Don't bother calling! Email me and I'll get back to you next year. ;)

[Dahila]

heck i have 200 numbers for blocking just 61 left. I have display so I usually do not pick it up. Except this time of year when people are looking for xmas gifts and they call and come to my place

[Ponder]

If not for my wife ordering parcels all the time, I would look into just doing parcel pick ups. I pick them up in my own time without the hassle of people coming to my door. It's the only thing that sucks about buying online.

[Ponder]

Back into the gym a few times running now ... had service agreement with PT - still working out with friend - still walking on the odd days ... Is very hard to break through the level required in order for my body to detox to the lvl it must - but getting there. Writing this because it's the next level of pushing myself ... something I should be writing about; but have not.

Just woke up ... now heading into the gym once more to hit some cardio machines that will allow me to exert myself without stressing my joints.

Get going Dave ... it's finally starting to work ... once more. Up and Down like a merry go round ... this I know ... which is why I have been allotted the PT for what we hope next year will account towards some sense of stability.

[salvator here]

Will watch those vids later. Wasn't able to get on the computer yesterday. You seem to be doing better :)

[Ponder]

Whenever Sal ... not a requirement as you know. Oh yea ... thx for the friend request. All done. I finally found something worth binge watching on Netflix. I best get back to that. ;)

[Ponder]

Morning guys - Today I am aiming for a relaxing one. It's not a bad start. I woke up around 4ish. After relieving myself and venturing back into my room, I parted the block out curtains in order that the morning light could do it's thing. My body decided it was too early to get up just yet so I lay back down for a while and posted elsewhere in the forum. Now things weren't all that rosy as I was still feeling the effects of the days before. As I lay there I stretched here and there thinking about the previous post I had just made, wondering how I could take my own advice on move on with the day.

So it is I that I calmly watered my outdoor plants, appreciating the relative cool whilst pondering the heat I know it to come. After that I came into this room I now sit, loaded up my com, searched for some gentle light morning music and started streaming this:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo9qB-vqSiQ

Now whilst I am aiming for a gentle day ... it's going to be tough! No FOOD for me for the next 36 hours. Yes ... I have reached the next level of gloves off! My efforts these last couple of weeks are starting to kick in. I've been going hard core without really been writing about it. I did not want to sap myself but now thinking I'm on par to motivate without tripping over myself. I smile to think of Sims 3 ... one of my sims doing just that as when they're just starting out on a treadmill.

So many facets to 'getting back up.' I guess I'm kind of thinking about that as I approach my day. Right now whilst knowing I'm in great need of resetting my stomach and focusing on that - I'm also aiming to NOT think to think too much about that. But before moving on I do need to acknowledge just how sick, yet again, I have become. The seesaw effect I know many of us have experienced; particularity those of us that deal with long standing clinical conditions. It was watching that video I recently linked on the second brain. I beleive other forum users have posted on the topic of Gut Health being the same. Then I have also discussed the Vegas Nerve. All very relevant stuff. Those anti-depressant foods we rely on so much pretty well dumb us down and slowly kill us by literally robbing our desire to do the things we love. Love being somewhat distorted on other fronts.

Once we are worn down, the influence of our society and its prime agenda takes hold to which further sucks our sovereign power. Alas ... let's not finish with the core of the problem, but focus on the solution. Unfortunately there must come a level of discomfort in order to break free. It does get better ... enduring the cycles is where I find it's at. Stability is different for different people. Many of us will continue to live our lives up and down. I do not beleive in the medical model of equilibrium as the levels defined by practitioners are meant to keep people dependent. I'm all about healing myself.

On that note ... I drink some more water and go for a walk. I've been without food for 13 hours now. I just have another 24 to go. :)

Time to heal my second brain. hehe. Seriously ... go watch that video I link one page back ... Hmmmmm ???? here I link it now (https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=kaefdiE4ovk):

Have a good day guys.

[Ponder]

Back from a walk and wishing to leave a note on a topic integral to my quest for stability:
Becoming a Student of Desire. (https://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/9565.html)

Not for everyone - but those open to zen philosophy may benefit. Nevertheless something that effects all of us.

[Ponder]

Just consumed season 3 of Travelers over the last two days:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyEijpJ9YL0

.... and 'That's' how Sci-Fi TV is produced .... not that bullshit spaceship horror crap they turned Star Trek into! Grrrrrrr

Don't mind me. I'm *&^%ing craving food big time. Is all good. I know it's the beginning of something special. It hurts in a good way!
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______________

Now ... what else to watch?

[salvator here]

Good to hear you've been walking. Walked every day last week and my legs already feel stronger and my balance is better. Walking in the fresh air is underrated. I actually have an exercise room here with equipment I don't have to pay for it but when I get there, there are people sort of flexing and primping and showing off like a fashion show, sort of makes a flabby pale guy like me a bit self conscious haahaa.

[Ponder]

That image complex is not good to be around Sal. Is why I actually avoid the gym. All of my friends are flabby pale people. hehe. laugh out loud. You made go haahaa too. Congrats on the walking ... undoubtedly the best medicine of all. That said Sal, whatever your doing keep doing it because you have been sounding well of late; despite the things we can't change ... I get that, seems you do too.

Although I completed my 36 hours water fast, I jumped into my exercise to quick and seriously pulled a neck muscle so badly that it hurts to lift my arm, open my mouth and hold my head straight up with eating. This relly sucked this morning because I was hungry. The guy I was exercising with knows a retired masseuse with some physio therapy experience and has organised me a visit. Got to leave shortly actually.

Sitting on this thing alleviates it a little which is not good ... as I beleive too much time on my com has lead to bad posture. That said ... I did push myself into a stressful situation these last 36 hours, did not warm up before diving into my push-ups which is where and when my neck muscles knotted up.

Sal ... just do what keeps you happy man. I push myself the way I do as is part of my imbalance. I've been getting bored of late so tend to jump into new things ... hopefully this neck issues I have now will not require a GP and referral. I know 50 is not that old compared to 70 but I guess it is a factor I need to remember when working out with others half my age.

Catch up soon. ;)

[Dahila]

Oh I just finished watching travelers, only 10 episodes in season 3. I like it, ..
Sal I am very self conscious in gym too. I refuse to pay money to feel uncomfortable. There are muscle packed people who are showing off like hell , Or very loud bunch of woman who come there to gossip eh,
I hate gym
Ponder I hope it will pass soon, This is a thing about gym, I always pushed myself too much and ended with pulled muscles eh

[Ponder]

It's a hard take on all sides I guess. I mean It's good to see people happy with what they do, but then another when seeing the negative impact, or the true cost of what many cultural and self centered pursuits can have. In this respect, I've been bitten on many sides of the fence. I just like connecting with real people. I care less about the way you look Sal or how what age Dahila is. Gender is even less of an issue when meeting real people. You can be both at once and I'll still care less.




SCI-FI 2018

https://i.ibb.co/Ps2RhN6/giphy-2.gif
_________________

As an avid Sci-Fi fan from way back ... I just can't help but feel the Sci-Fi genre has never been in so much disarray.


Thanks for telling me about Counterpart D. I have SBS on demand via my smart tv. I singed up just so I can start watching Counterpart. TY.

I apologize for my earlier dissing on the spaceship horror series you linked. I am fully bias given the butchering done to Star Trek. If not for that, I may very well be open to seeing what you see. I admit my walls are up.
________________________________


Regarding my Neck ... eeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I really messed it up. I am sure it's been stress build up over time + my bad habits. The massage really helped, but I still can't move my head to the left very much and find eating a little hard. I decided to make appointment with GP. This is exactly the kind of pain it takes for me to allow myself to be checked out. The lump in the back of my neck is now freaking me out. I am not one for health anxiety ... but now hope that is all it is. The lump feels like a large pussy cyst deep within my skin. If I knew I could I would ask Lisa to syringe it. Instead ... I go to doctor. I think its been with me for some time - I often wake up with bung shoulders ... but lately the back neck area has been problematic.

It's been suggested that I gear my weight workouts towards long ranged movements and steer away from the shorter pumping activities associated with body building. I agree and say good riddance. That said, core movements may require short rang activity countered with long stretches. I will have to have another chat with the PT before embarking on whatever routine.

Hopefully I can turn my head without too much pain tomorrow and be able to sleep.

For now I go watch some of the garbage on Netflix. I'll save Counterpart for when my other half gets home.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Wow, what a trip that was. I woke up in excruciating pain barely able to get out of bed. I somehow managed but that time without an anxiety attack. I made my way to the toiled to relieve myself like I do most times I wake up during the night. Getting back into bed was almost as painful as when I awoke. I was once gain in executioner pain no sooner than I was able to lay flat on my back. Feeling dizzy I knew this would not do. I attempted to get back out of bed but was now feeling paralyzed across the back of my shoulder and up neck with nausea quickly welling up. I was uncertain if it was the pain or the anxiety attack spurred on as I contemplated the impact this might have on my breathing if I was able to go back to sleep.

Laying there like that getting dizzier by the second and now fully in a state of pain and anxiety, I was banging on the wall plus yelling to no avail. My wife was in another under the influence of her meds. I figure it must of been the flailing up against the wall that somehow I got enough blood flow into my neck were I was finally able to flip on my side, then up push myself up and slide out of bed. I got to my feet and staggered into the hallway, burst into my wife's room looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. She's like "WTF!"

I'm like "What fucking drugs are you on, did you not hear me??? I've been yelling out and banging on the wall!" Regrettably I did not have the hindsight nor composure I do now. I later thanked my poor wife for getting up and then later talking me out of going to the hospital. I did query whether that decision was based more on the fact of how sleepy she felt Vs my need. As always my wife was correct in her detailed response regarding the fact that I was still breathing and moving. We talked about the dismissive way the hospital treats humans + my predisposition in dealing with such things; this being more my take of course. Fact is, I already had a doctors appointment booked for this afternoon. A long way off. I talked my wife into coming along to that. I'm going to need drugs!!! What's a bet that when the time finally comes that when I start requesting the use of drugs, the doctor will then resists, instead telling me to take a headache pill.

SIGH ... I can at least move my neck slightly, sit here and type this. I guess that is something. I think I make a cup of tea. The only thing we had I could take was phenergan. It's better than nothing.

Yep sir re, in times like these I will take the drugs.

Man ... I am in so much fucking pain!!! That knot feels more like a fluid sack that's seemingly larger than the last time I felt it. My anxiety condition is not helping. I fear going back to sleep so will just sit in the oversize recliner that's not ergonomically designed for a guy like me. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Dahila]

oh I am sorry to hear what happened, I hope the doc will help you. It seems like the one I am getting that can not lift my head, In my situation it is inflammation on the trapezius, eh. you must be in awful pain cause you never complain , Did you try to put some ice cubes no eyes on the spot? The lump in neck maybe just nodes, I hope you are better and will post some update

I think my hating of gym maybe connected to mine social anxiety

[salvator here]

Thank you for that posting, was nice to read something like that for a change, people are very judgmental where I reside sad to say which is another reason I keep to myself. I don't allow people to know much about me, I stay well guarded. I'm just very ordinary person anyway, dress very ordinary and I'm not a loud personality (not anymore anyway). I'm the same, its the heart that counts not the exterior.

I hope you feel better and it will pass.

[salvator here]

I agree Dahila, I think it could be connected to social anxiety. I have forgotten how to act around people it seems. I've been told I have a flat affect.

[Dahila]

Sal I have to fight everytime with myself when other people involved. I am preparing Xmas Eve supper and dreading the reunion. I have a difficulties to take more than one person at the time.eh.....

[Ponder]

Pain In The Neck Update: has now been upgraded to A LUMP IN THE NECK I'm still in a lot of pain, but feeling a little better. I can move my neck some more but still limited in a few places. I went to see the GP who then sent me for an ultra sound. The young girl doing the ultrasound went to get her superior. I was then informed he would be recommending the GP refer me on for an MRI. Long story short, "don't worry, if its cancer I am sure it wont be the serious kind." Something to that effect. Not sure how I feel about that. It's one of those episodes you just have to wait. Such a vague prognosis of cancer challenges my commiseration with you D, regarding our discussions where we talk about counting the days till one's end. Other than my grandson coming to mind, I fear less the notion of dying compared to that of the pain. I was prescribed panadeine forte / codeine for the pain. I challenged the doctor on that because I wanted something consider to be a muscle relaxant. Lisa was not happy about me challenging the doctor as this particular doctor is also my my wife's doctor. In the end the panadeine forte was good enough. I'm not a good patient at the best of times, let alone when I am in pain and feeling nauseous.

I struggle to understand my doctor as although she speaks English, her Indian accent is very strong and she also speaks extremely fast. Not good for my anxiety and hearing problems. Unfortunately the medical clinic I go to has no English accented individuals. I would seek out a doctor that is easier to understand, however easily understood doctors with an English accent, all seem to be relegated as private only doctors. Go figure. It would be nice to actually understand what the doctor is saying. Perhaps I should just get them to text me like we do in FB D. I know you always keep saying how thick your accent is. That said, I bet your easier to understand compared to a heavy accented Indian speaking faster than escape velocity. God bless the poor dears soul. Meh. lol

It's just not the Indian doctor that I don't understand ... all of the people I crossed paths with yesterday treated me like a number (including the ones I actually understood), all of them talking at break neck speeds. If not for my grandson, "Fuck the pain ... beam me up scotty!!!"

Like I said ... I'm not a 'good' patient. (what the fuck is a 'good' patient anyways?)


Update completed ... moving on:

______________________________________________

SOCIAL PHOBIA: My Take is all.
Hi guys, appreciate the topic of social phobia. It is listed as one of many labels.

1st I attempt a walk. Feeling a little stiff and groggy.
Back later.

[Dahila]

Hi D, do not worry, do you remember when the my mammograms were screwed up> It took so long and I have to go for a test once a year , to keep an eye on it. It maybe a cyst, for us is difficult not to worry, worry is our middle name,
I am scared of pain too,
My doc is young (I think 35 years) Canadian doctor, his accent is canadian no problem to understand him if he remembers to slow down. I constantly asking to slow down, my hearing aids can catch the sound when someone is looking at me and he does, so I also help myself with lip reading, I had not idea I can read the lips. You probably can too. Our body justifying to hearing loss give us something.
Is it long time till MRI? Is that lump hard? Just remember when you have onset of sharp pain it is usually not cancer. Cancer tend to come slowly with pain. Thank you for the update on it,
i am not good patient either , before I fill script I always check the meds sites for info .....

[Ponder]

Yes I remember. Thanks for the extra information. Is hard to keep optimistic when in a lot of pain.

Thanks for the boost :)

[Ponder]

GP is referring us to Private specialist. I am paying extra to get in quicker. The MRI scans comes to 700au ... &^%$ that!!! It's a 3cm X 2.5cm by 1cm deep lump that's been termed a number of things I care less to remember excepts the part where they say they can't rule the nasty labels that kill if left in to long. It is a lump that's been there a while, but has now grown twice the size. Not sure if it's more a case of me ripping the original lump when I exercised or both growing and ripped. Both Lisa and I decided to pay the private $180 fee to have a surgeon look at it quicker where hopefully he or she can then refer us to the MRI under the medicare system to avoid the $700 ← Scan http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/shocked/crazy-smiley-emoticon.gif

Lisa's Credit card is all maxed out and I'm still paying my off - years after the defaulting ... not a good time of year for this to be happening.

I'm not going to mess about with it as even the GP recommended getting it checked sooner than latter. Public is at least twice as long and then even longer after that. Too many ifs and buts with this one. Still hurts quite a bit, but thankfully it's starting to dull a little ... however there is a pretty big lump that needs attention ... sooner than later. The lump is quite visible I am told. I'm not going to do images of it ... as I'm already depressed enough about it. I had PT line up just after Xmas ... hmmm ... I was also at a point to turn up the heat with my cardio as well. Instead I have gained weight overnight with all the pain, cortisol, and back to comfort eating as in GRRRRRRRRRRR.

I can't beleive this happened on the tail end of a 36 hour water fast where I was ready to let rip. Well actually that's exactly what I did. It was just a coincidence that there was a lump right where I stressed my upper back/neck. I'd like to say it's nothing - but the report that Doc got seems to indicate it needs checking ... the sooner the better.

Unfortunately its right next to my spinal cord just to the left up on my neck. If they do have to go in ... I hope it's not one of them complacent professionals I am always whining about.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________

Meds Kicking In ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Nigh Night .............

[salvator here]

Sorry you're going through that my friend.

I've also had 2 cancer scares that turned out to be benign. It was simply an abnormal growth of cells in my right lung, but they don't know that until they take a closer look, and the other one they thought was lymphoma turned out to be granuloma. MRI will reveal a lot and hope you can get it covered by medicare with the new doc you are seeing. Glad the meds bring some relief.

[Ponder]

Other than the cancer scare, it's in a really inconvenient spot. I still have limited neck and shoulder movement. The pain is not as sharp (unless I look in the wrong direction) but still ever present and very sapping. Weight wise I have really taken a hit. I can 't be believe how much I have put on over the last 3 days. Lisa researched a little more into it, and we discovered that it's not uncommon for these types of growths to occur in fatty areas of the body.

We note the antipsychotics I was taking lead me into the symptoms of metabolic syndrome (https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&ei=TX8bXJPuG4jYvgTvraXoDw&q=antipsychotics+metabolic+syndrome&oq=antipsychotics+metabolic+synfrom&gs_l=psy-ab.1.0.0i13l2j0i22i30l2j0i13i5i30j0i8i13i30l5.6617 5.69943..71809...0.0..1.566.7131.3-11j6j1......0....1..gws-wiz.......0j0i22i10i30.FtOLJmkFLfc). Other than the usual obesity symptoms such as shortness of breath and pains in the chest, the back of my neck and shoulder/trap areas become quite fatty and thick skinned (signs of metabolic syndrome) That is what lead my to tapering off those meds and eventually coming off them altogether. After Lisa read up on how growths similar to what I have thus far been DXed with are not uncommon to occur in such fatty areas ... It now makes sense why I had previously felt the once smaller button like lump on my upper back. I never thought much of it, until I reticently pulled muscles in that area. I personally suspect I might of torn/ripped the lump itself (when pulling muscle in that area) which is kind of even freaking me out all the more. Either way, it's now twice as big.

Don't get me wrong ... I'd rather worry about other things. As you know ... it will probably be on my mind until I get the damn MRI out of the way and hear the results of that. My depression at the moment stems more from the fact that the pain is not going away or subsiding. I'm getting ready for bed now, so hopefully tomorrow will bring some hope. The ibuprofen is causing me acid/reflux ... I'm going to take the codeine tonight as it's helping to calm be down a little as well as help me sleep with the thudding pain.

Srry to keep going on about it ... but doing so seems to be helping. I just can't stop thinking how close I was to setting off on my usual fitness regimen and then this. My family have been pushing the "don't exercise thing on me" but they don't understand what that means to me. I will for sure be backing of push ups or anything the puts pressure on my back. Sigh ... Lot's of walking I guess Sal. :) Starting from scratch all over again.

Once again ... I just can't get motivated anymore until I the scan results are in. 2 weeks till I see surgeon, then they will make referral. Have no idea how long it will taken after that. The fast tracking of surgeon is one thing, but I can't afford the 700$ got the scan. Hopefully the private doc will push it through the following week and I hear something back soon after that.

Yadda Yadda ... I try my best to lift my chin.

I attempt to change the topic next time I post. ... I promise. ;)

[salvator here]

So how are you doing?

[Ponder]

Hey there Sal. Thx for asking :) Regardless of the lump ... I'm still in a log of pain. Still unable to drive due limited neck movement. I'll be honest and admit that I have been playing on my computer which is probably holding back the healing a little. I'll be having a couple days off my computer soon enough so figure that will help for sure. I still can't get over how easily I pulled the muscle in my neck and also just how long the healing process is. The said it could take up to 3 weeks.

The nights are the worse as being inactive seems to be when it locks up; get stiff and sore.
_____________________________________

How are you going Sal? You got much planned on Xmas day ... is it going to be a big one for you this year?

Thx again for asking after me. :)

[JohnC]

Howdy P and Dahlia and all my other old friends !! Just wanted to wish you all the best and I do pop in from time to time. P If you remember my health anxiety is one of my biggest issues unfortunately not the only one but I did read down through some of what you got going on and I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hopefully it's just a fluid leak that you aggravated. They can fill with spinal fluid and be a real pain in the neck.
I haven't been keeping up but wanted to stop in and hey and let you all know I think of you and I always wish all of you the best!!

[Dahila]

John happy to see you, keep strong, and have a good xmas :)

[Ponder]

Hi John, nice to see you again. Always good to see old friends popping in.

Unfortunately, I have a few conditions plaguing me at this time, but lets do hope hey. :)

I hope you and yours have been as well as can be. Here's to wishing you a very merry Xmas or whatever you call this time of year.

Thx for popping in and the well wishes.

Doors are always open here.

[Dahila]

Ponder have a good holiday to, I wish you no pain, I know you feel very bad in pain. I wish I could help you. If you feel like talking you know where you can find me,

[Ponder]

Update ... mostly because writing up it might help. Not doing so good. Once again I am struggling to get out of bed:

https://farm8.staticflickr.com/7859/31510689817_cd07b6158f_o.jpg

The pain this thing is causing me due to limited neck movement and waking up with locked muscles is starting to really frustrate and depress me. Have to wait like a couple of months by the time I see doctors, have scans and then maybe come up with another date to cut the thing out. If they cut it out.


The lump under the skin has an elongated shape as depicted with the outline in photos where the new lesions that have no popped up marking the outer edges of the perimeter. This was half the size not so long ago, although the lump has been for at least several months; but was not me causing me the debilitating pain I am no experiencing. I can no longer drive as a result of limited movement and constant pain. The lump is more felt than seen ... it measures 3cm X 2cm by 1cm Deep ... at last ultrasound.

[Dahila]

Shoot , so you already had ultrasound and they do not know what it is? the wait for doc appointment can kill us. no one takes the people mental state when they need to wait, Not only fear, uncertainty, depression, anxiety, panic attack
i am so sorry that you need to wait, I know that when they suspect that is cancer the wait is short, We have kind of similar system as your and my country all was established by brits
The lumps look angry. Have you try to put cold compress on it?
or ice cube to freeze it for few minutes . It will not make it worse, but may help Something is blocked, it may be nodes, I really do not feel that you are in deadly danger, but you know how it is with intuition. I rely on it but with a bit of skepticism.
What happening when you press on it, the pain is worse or the same?
I had survived Christmas Eve supper but with very high anxiety level. I took the pill but I do not seem to calm down. I am really bad in social situation.
I got really smart umbrella , beautiful one, around two months ago my friend come with it to my booth , I wanted to buy it and could not find it, I had never said to anyone about it, imagine my surprise when I had opened the gift.
It is llike upside down umbrella you do not need to open it to dry it, with my constant using of Hearing aids , I must protect them against water , first time in the last 15 years I got something I love it. :)

[Ponder]

Yes, presents like that are awesome. You so deserve it D :)

I followed your advice and purchased a medical ice pack from chemist. It help me a lot. TY. I should of purchased two. One in freeze while using other.

I can touch it, but massaging makes my neck lock up. For whatever reason I am still struggling with neck pain and unable to sleep. When I see private surgeon on 7th next month, I will l bring up how this has dabilitated me from caring for Lisa's needs. Seeing as I am on part careers pension and all. You get the gist.

I care less about the cancer part for now but more about the constant strain on my neck. I am doing my best not to drag others down.

Ty for letting my talk about it in here. ;)

My family and extended family gave me some Steam Wallet Cards. That really made my day. Although I am unable to sit at my computer, I enjoy the fact that I can browse the steam store on my phone and hope to hell that I will soon be back in the driver's seat. Both my car and PC.

Hope everyone gets somthing of worth this Xmas and remains pain free.

[Dahila]

with cold compress is 10 min on and 15 min or 20 off so you do not freeze the tissue too much. do not massage it, cause it probably is pressing the nerve
D you had seen how japanese sleep. make a roll so you neck is in straight position when you trying to sleep.
BTW I own only one icepack cause the other one broke down, My is kind of big so i do fold it, the one which is broken was a size of lady palm perfect for small areas :)
I do believe in cold compresses cause if there is any infection or inflammation , it helps I hope you have a better day today :)

[salvator here]

I also hope things get better Ponder for you with this and everything.

Glad to hear you made it through your gathering Dahila and you sound well.

Today I'l be fine, nothing is wrong, should be a nice quiet day :)

[Dahila]

Sal i took zoplicone, ativan and clonazepam then it knocked me down, it seems that I am getting worse with any gathering. You have no idea sal how relieved I am to be alone , alone in computer room, My hubby downstairs watching something. peace and quiet,
Do not get me wrong, I love my family to pieces but it is difficult for me to have more than one person at the time.

[Ponder]

I understand you wel D. I feel the same about my space and my computer.

Thx Sal. Pleased to report I am feeling a bit better today guys. I could make a long list about the bad, but instead I am happy I have less pain today. :)

Using ice pack now for the long journey home in passenger set of my car.

With some luck I will be able to log on when I get home.

Hope you all have a great day today. Find somthing to be grateful about regardless of the pain. Grrrrrr & : | to : ) then a little more :| back to : ) with maybe one more :|

[Ponder]

Phew ... finally some relief. :) Touch wood ... but I think I might be on the mend as far as the neck and shoulder pain goes. Since getting home I have been able to sit at the computer and play some rounds in Diablo 3. I am still unable to turn my neck to the right without stressing it, but overall I can tell I am feeling much better than the previous nights. That's given me a bit of hope. I might start up back waling tomorrow or at least mow the lawn. Not sure how the vibration from the mower will go? I'll have to take it easy.

I bought I new Train Simulator Game ... among many others. I'm not sure how it will run on my gaming laptop as it's starting to get a bit outdated now. None the less I feel confident it will do alright. Now I have the best of both world owning both train simulators now.

A bit under half price for this Xmas sale:
https://store.steampowered.com/sub/292371/


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ja9TALSAZU

It's a game for a niche audience. Not for most people. Huge learning curve but once mastered, there is plenty to do. My wife say's "How boring!" She just does not get it. I enjoy it like I do flight simulator - possibly more so because I think it's easier to learn ... but then again ... possibly more challenging given the time tables often involved. I do like the long slow runs where I can simply kick back and just enjoy the sounds of the train, tracks, onboard announcements, scenery and so on. Not sure how I will take the this newer version as it's predecessor offers a huge amount of content with detailed and accurate routes.

See what happens after I learn all the new key bindings and game mechanics. Hope it runs smooth enough on my laptop.
__________________________________________________ __

Another interesting Game I purchased is "Surviving Mars" I bought the bonus pack with all the latest content. Looking forward to learning that one as well.

[salvator here]

Yeah I need time alone to gather my thoughts and appreciate my sorroundings and sort out my disorganized scatterd thoughts (toss away what's garbage intrusive thoughts and incoorperare others), sort of piece the daily puzzle together - so to speak (I don't wake up together mentally anymore) people can't help me with that even though they may try by asking. I also don't do well with gatherings at all either Dahila and I was happy yesterday with my 'party for 1'.

Glad you're back to gaming Ponder, it was so nice to see that posting today when I logged on here to read.

If I'm not around this week, I hope you both and others reading here have a happy and safe new year.

[Ponder]

All in good time Sal. Take care. Thx for touching base and sharing. Interesting take.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGi8j_slU_E

[Ponder]

Still Kicking. :)

I have SO been procrastinating of late ... but still managing to get a few thing done.

Like the song you linked Sal - I commented back in the other section.

Too many late nights here ...

I'm off to bed ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

PS - I struggle massively with NOISE ... people are so ignorant when it comes personal space and how noise pollution affects others.

[Dahila]

can not f*****g sleep at all.............. from Xmas Eve, I am so damn tired now, but I am scared to go to bed

[Ponder]

Is it the noise of people doing their thing? Or is it more about personal relations, expectations and other likewise unrelated noise issues OR worse ... is it both?

Try that link you recently posted. Like you I find his voice very calming.

Thinking of you. :(

[Ponder]

I'm using this to assist me with interrupting the thinking process that often keeps me bound. When bounded by the mind, it's easy to just focus on the negative and much harder to find peace within. I know you like Jon Kabat Zin ... but give this one a try. Is only about 10 minutes. There may be long pauses, but the narrator is well versed in helping people along the way.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lr2Bd8kEn8g

This marks the end of a very compulsively struck mind over the last few weeks for me. Well it's not the end ... but it's a start to slowing down my racing thought and help me chill. I start my 1st session with personal trainer tomorrow. No doubt we will be taking it slow due to my recent injury. Wish me luck. :)

I hope this finds you guys felling a little better.

[Ponder]

It really is about acceptance. For context I refer to end of video above.

[salvator here]

I'm sorry Dahila you're struggling.

Thanks for the vid Ponder. Sad to say my mind is so cloudy I couldn't get through it all the way. Maybe later I'll try again. Feels like quicksand sometimes. I think we respectively are going to need time to recover from the holidays before we can say for sure.

I'm still struggling with acceptance, hate to admit it.

However.. I'm glad you are on the mend from that long cycle.

[Ponder]

Yep yep ... we're all on our journey. Just sharing is all.

PT session went really well. I talk more about that later and why it's important to me.

Hope your feeling better soon.

[Ponder]

In the mean time Sal ... What do you think acceptance is?

Its not what most people think is all.

[Ponder]

Another late one ... Goodnight Folks. :) ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Dahila]

Came back, the neighbor will fix the lawn, my daughter made a mistake, pressed the wrong number, (her card is for both of the accounts, her personal and mine. Everything is good now, except that I am so stressed out I want to cry, I need rest , Happy New year peeps, have a good one

[salvator here]

In the mean time Sal ... What do you think acceptance is?

Its not what most people think is all.Thanks Ponder, I'll create a new thread maybe after the new year, I guess and explain better.

I did get out today and am home now and going to watch the ball drop on TV. Not in a celebrating party anyway. The building is quiet so hopefully everyone went off to party and make noise elsewhere. *fingers crossed*

See ya next year :)

[Ponder]

All good man ... Would like to hear your thoughts if and when you do get time. Understand if it's not of the cards though ... totally. Stuff happens hey. all the time :)

I got outside for first time in a whiles as well ... walking by myself that is. I really need to start that all over again. Have PT in the morning.

I hope the rest helped D? Thinking of you guys.

Be well as can be.

Night Night ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

5:30 am wake up and still late nights ... oh well. Getting there half way I guess. :)

[Dahila]

thank you P. yes I was so good today that went downstairs and made two logs (36) of soap , activated charcoal one with water replaced by Aloe vera juice, , I am happy I moved my lazy body and had done something instead of complaining. Thank you guys for listening my whining self and not kicking my rear end :)

[Ponder]

Your welcome D. We 3 nearly got on the commiseration wagon which is something I try to avoid. I don't mind reflecting and even dumping ... but I know dumping for too long a period such is dangerous. It feeds compulsive thinking. Thankfully for me I am about exhausted with all my negative mind states. At least for now. Chuckles at that statement. I seem to have some kind of valve that leads back into empty space where I generally pick up again. Most people think I'm just stupidly looking into space or having an elderly moment ... I actually relish the peace I find in between mind states when that happens.

I listened to the following whilst out walking today. I love how he jokes about humans and how the planet might be going about it's the business of turning the heat up to push us out like a virus does in the human body. hehehe. Here is a time link to just that part, however I recommend using headphones and given this a listen if your interested in finding space from a racing mind.

Humans and How The Planet Might Get Rid of Us. Very Funny:
For you D → Time Stamp → Link. (https://youtu.be/SU50_dvhimU?t=573)

Click on the link above D and give it a couple of minutes. I know you will enjoy it very much. :) It's why I am linking it. I immediately thought of our human extinction discussions. More so how we wish for it to happen for the planets sake. As for the video itself and the topic of freeing the mind for at least a whiles in order to find some sense of sanity ... I link the video below in it's entirety.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SU50_dvhimU&feature=youtu.be&t=573

[Dahila]

He is wonderful, incredible ;) I am back to my old self at least I am kind of calm now

[salvator here]

Thanks Dahila and Ponder, I'm grateful you were there with me during the rough times.

Will watch that vid later after I eat and settle down.

I also feel sort of back to normal again and the panic has leveled off on its own so it seems today. New year and feel like things are fresh, I think.

[salvator here]

I've never seen a waterfall in real life like that, maybe someday I should, they're very soothing.

EDIT: I just clicked on the link and where he speaks of modern culture being imbalanced, for some reason I almost posted today about something similar. Being this, I feel the tension between with society's 'do as I say, not as I do' and sometimes I can use my own brain to reason it out, other times I fall for it and feel stupid afterwards. Traditional holidays are a good example of that, we fall for the hype of what we're told to (how to) feel and how things should be. that word "Normal" comes to mind again. Even I fall for it when I know differently and don't see things as others do anyway and I realize that. I beat myself up well before anybody else gets a chance most times. Things I thought I accepted and came to terms with. Like a stained glass window maybe, have to look beyond it to see its not as it seems. Hard to describe. Sorry about that.

2nd EDIT: very helpful, I hope I get there. 46 and I think I should be there by now. Maybe unrealistic given my personal circumstance. I think baby steps and 1 step forward 2 steps back is how it seems. However, sometimes rarely 10 steps forward and I learn a whole lot in a short period of time in chunks.

[Ponder]

You said it well enough for me. :) Thanks for the read Sal. We'll be oK for 2019. Keep posting.

Just focus on what works for you. We can walk in any direction we wish. :)
------

Bit late for me and busy day tommorow. Long drive to airport. Daughter arriving back from Manchester UK. Looking forward to hearing about her trip.

Both my parents come from the UK. I would like to visit myself ... but would rather keep that kind of money for a new computer instead. :) reading about it is good enough.

Night night. Zzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Long drive back home. I wish I could help out more with the driving, but still have neck and shoulder pain. We also missed turns and ended up being billed two expensive toll fees we needed not pay. One of the relatives is turning into a drunk and a pain to tolerate.

I think I go for a small walk, have a little to eat and then pack the car and get the hell out of Dodge. :)

[Ponder]

I dislike how they continually push to have me stay until lunch before leaving. Especially when I am not well.

It's always about the food with this bunch. All the more reason for me to get moving. Lol.

They just make me feel more uncomfortable when they can,t respect my preference to hit the road in the morning rather than after lunch.

I'm in pain and it's a 4 hour drive for fucks sake. Grrrrr ... best to go sooner than later. Does not that make sense? I hate guilt trippers. I get up and smile and tell them I'll stay for breakfast.

Lmfao. Hehe. What the fuck ever. We were just here at Xmas. We really need to start paying for a hotel because it's not worth the song & dance on the day we need to go home.

Srry for the bitchn. I now get up and pretend.

Catch up back in here ... soon enough.

[Dahila]

you have no idea how well I understand it. I want everything to end quickly too even when not in pain, 4 hours sitting in car would be too much for my spine, I would be sick, literally sick. I hope you will get peace and quiet soon
We need to be alone in silence

[Ponder]

Thanks D ... for sharing that. I don't like how some people tend to focus on the social phobia side of things when the solace it required. Like make out it's a negative act ... seeking out space for oneself.

On other fronts ... things not going so well. My daughter moving in all those months ago was quite stressful for me given much of what you just said. Space. Sadly I think this latest trip and the attention it has brought her has left her somewhat more too cocky. To make things worse ... My partner has a habit of tag teaming when tensions start. That is to say, yours truly is quickly side lined with all his labels and told to deal with it. I'm still in too much pain to be putting up with all this disrespect. Woers me ... I know.

Just not feeling well ... back in that ... Go look for your own place phase. Of course that will not do ... I already live in this house all alone despite two others living here. In fact I have been more alone since my daughter moved in. Re context above. Having official certified labels allays sees me at fault.

What the fuck ever ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I try to catch up with you in face book ... I have a quick look now. Promise not to drag you down. :)

[Ponder]

Another morning ... I try to move on. Thanks for chat D ... was good. I felt a little better after that.

I go for a walk this morning and try to concentrate on doing what I need for me. Hopefully the others stay out of my way and stop asking me to do things. Your right ... I just want to be left alone, regardless of feeling lonely. Two different things.

[Dahila]

P. I think it is natural to want a space even the smallest one for ourselves where we are not disturbed, I sit upstairs in computer room and close the door.
When my hubby comes it pisses me off, When I close the door I am giving the sign that I do not want to see or talk to noone
As long as I remember I needed some time alone, Even to read a book without distraction.
It is about the time when people leave us to be.

[Ponder]

Yep. How did the Markets go D? Hope all went well.

Just a little something I found very interesting whilst out on the foot path today:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXYL6513t7Y

Puts a lot of the pseudo science with regards to the labels so easily thrown about in forums like these. Words thrown around like sheep being lead of a cliff. Sad thing is most people are falling for it. Even ourselves when we need to prove our worth in order to gain that bit of help. Understanding this many of us know as we get older ... but it good to brush up with the odd podcast on the subject.

I link one more that I thought was a little in line with this ... although might take a little more insight to understand him ... Alan Watts ... I go look for that one now.

[Ponder]

The previous one only several minutes ... this one I only got a half hour in before arriving home. I will listen to the rest in bed shortly.

I love how he equates today's scientific scholars as to the favored position of high ranking church officials during the dark ages. The oppressive way in which we are all clinically controlled, is revealed both intellectually and simply through out this video. I have many labels ... but I also accept them as no more than part of a requirement in order to freely participate in an oppressive world. There is more than one way to find peace yet be written off as insane. Understanding exactly how the system controls and does what it does is the first step to keeping your head above water ... how to be sick in a world that thrives on illness, yet be well enough to find your own space.

Something like that.

This talk also highlights just how insightful some of us more extreme cases can be. lol ... well ... perhaps not quite like that ... but then again ... yes. Like who wants to be normal in today's normal world? *&^% that!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eksdBEIQS6g&t=638s

[Ponder]

Slowly coming out of the very deep and very dark hole ... getting there. :) Visited two friends the last couple of days. It was good making the effort.

[Ponder]

What's happening guys? My appointment re neck and shoulder was put off another week. Still waking up in discomfort yet turning up for my PT sessions. We are doing more stretching than anything else. Much needed. The turning up in the park and being out in public is enough of a stretch atm. You know how it is with that kind of thing when your not 100% ... more like 30% for me of late.

I have two you tube videos running at the same time atm:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHRwQ72tpbw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wLwxmjrZj8&t=63s

Adjusting the volume of each just right to very good effect. Man I really needed this. Unfortunately even with my phone in desktop mode I can't run two video steams simultaneously. It really is a good effect finding a dedicated white noise video like wind, rain, trickling and then some mild ambiance to overlay with. In fact I will add some Ocean sounds:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f77SKdyn-1Y

Yep ... just get the levels right and away ya go. Only thing is it takes practice to get just right so I don't end up with a headache or feel hung over when I take out the buds or headphone off when looking to roll over without the hassle of devices stuck in my ears or over my head. I have tried speaker to good effect to offset the cons in that, however don't like the idea of such a strong EMF so close to me bed. Kind of makes me think about the concept behind grounding sheets as too the effect of palms laying over my laptop keyboard hours all day and the electrical conduction that takes place re inhibiting the bodies nature state for healing.

I've read some amazing claims as to that just being the tip of the iceberg when it comes to our modern day living and just how far we really our out of sync. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. I look at it more like the lessor of two evils ... just like with western medicine I guess. Right now I am unable to sleep, nor on pain medication. The effect for now at least listening to all this seems to be countering my otherwise necrotic and compulsive states.



Now to find something that has a combination of different ambiance so I can play it on my phone. I think I will record a mix from my computer for next time. I must say I am finding this overlaying with multiple videos when done right ... very effective.

https://i.ibb.co/SJMnyQj/exhausted-computer-user2.gif

This one is good for zoning out on the screen as a visual assisted hypnosis combine"d with sound:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKKDfynx4ZY

But ... now I am wasted and can sleep with no sound... ... ... ... ... ...

[Dahila]

https://youtu.be/feRFJkFHhrU..................

[Ponder]

:) ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz :)

[Dahila]

I feel very lazy lately...................still getting very painful back muscles spasms ;)

[Ponder]

A little something to ease your pain. When looking at this, I am sure many will see and feel differently. It is just as many who are listening to the following link (where I found this image) have expressed how sad the music has left them feeling. For me I find much solace in it. There is much irony in how we are all travelling different paths and each experiencing different things, yet we are all cut from the same cloth. Sadly we spend too much time trying to prove how much different we all are only to then persecute each other just for what we claim are facts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZGqv4zVsAE&t=274s

https://i.ibb.co/rpt2zZh/relaxing.png

It's good to take a step back ... or even no longer participate, but simply watch. A great way in finding perspective. It used to be rather a simple act, but today we live such complicated and compulsive lives, that to find a Look Out is no easy task.

What do I see going on here? First - the Boy and Girl are more like Brother and Sister. Such being a much less painful vision where I find less attachment plays less into preconditioned fantasy that thrives on the needing of others in order to find relief. We all come into this world alone and die alone regardless if blessed with someone holding hand.. Sure it's not so simple ... as we typically land in the hands of others when taking our first breath ... and will no doubt be put off to the side ... with others at our end. Perhaps a point only some of us older ones could understand. That said, time slows when young and caught up ... much wisdom can be found when in a period of vitality and have already suffered much. I smile as I remember well, how such fleeting moments of peace can come from moments of disconnected states of being. In this aspect of the image ... for me to sit with that yearning of boyfriend and girlfriend makes the music take on that depressive feel that many in the comments section of above link so expressed. Such preconditioned images / concepts are what separate us from others and give way to a lot of unhealthy desires ... many that do more to lead to suffering than they do peace. Such addiction/dependency is what our culture feeds and in doing is now rapidly adding to the demise of the pristine background that is now typically imaged rather than truly seen.

Sigh ... is what it is ... and that too can be turned into an image of solace if viewed in the right way. That illusive meaning of true acceptance. So it is for me ... that I see some of us at different points on a path where perhaps we can each share a spot on that bike, looking out over the water simply observing what is; regardless of the pain. Yet in this I am very mindful of what you say.

How about we just take that bike for a spin. I wish we could all take a seat on the bike. Let's imagine it so. :)
_______________________________

Here is another good link to solace tunes:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09RhL4kJEAE

[salvator here]

It's good to take a step back ... or even no longer participate, but simply watch. A great way in finding perspective. It used to be rather a simple act, but today we live such complicated and compulsive lives, that to find a Look Out is no easy task. I think I needed to read this today, I have to take a huge step away from the madness and just observe for a minute. No matter how many times you or anybody says or writes this, I still fall back into old the patterns trying to participate in this tug-of-war. I'm glad you reasons this out for yourself though. I guess I do too but well after its eaten me up inside, I'm afraid (like today). Maybe I've found myself too aware of what is really going on for my own good now; whereas before I was always caught off guard and left baffled.. don't know which is worse. At least then, i was always blaming other people, where now, I see myself as defective.

[Ponder]

Hey there Sal. Your comment reminds me again of the blue pill, red pill, scenario on matrix. Waking up is just the start. The point regarding 'hard to break patterns' is a critical dynamic to address when it comes to suffering less. That deep dark black hole I recently touched on required me just the other day to say to my PT provider "I really must interrupt my negative thinking patterns" I was referring to, 'how' I was 'talking' ... about not going to the Gym. More over how I was talking in general. The context here is more about how we talk and think in general.

Have you ever played or understood those fantasy Role Playing Strategy Games (also some RTS games) on PC or console. An 'interrupt spell' is on the top of list when it comes to shutting down negative spell casters who seek to control their enemies without even touching them. They have spells where one is followed by another each building on the one before them. In some cases you don't even know it's happening if you not watching carefully.

So it is that our life is sapped by a system that too, is designed to control us. Knowing how the game is played is the only way to even have a chance of breaking such spells. But the bigger picture here is to see how in the end, we are the one's that wind up doing it to ourselves. The latter not to absolve the bigger picture but more an acknowledgement to a symptom, that's perfect for a controlling system. The repetitive nature of all that game play is indeed hard to break. We humans are very habitual creatures and thus makes sense that in a controlling system we are continually conditioned. Just as using an interrupt spell is key to breaking the pattern of others, we also need to interrupt our own mindset/s, and consequently the habitual hard to break habits that typically ensue.

Sorry to go on Sal ... Yes I am trying to make sense for myself. Again ... it's not so simple because some habits can actually be good for us. It's more about the nature in which we approach a habit rather than the habit itself. In this I will say is good focus on what we know works, and end on a good note where not doing so only leads to digging a deeper hole. Therefore ending on a bleak note not be all that bad if it leads to an acknowledgement that in turn ends in acceptance where less suffering is suddenly felt; moreover relief. However it's important to understand it's a process ...

Another point or way to say it ... it comes down that native american story ... The Wolf You feed: But how we feed is not so straight forward as the possy wossies will have you beleive that acknowledging anything bad is not good, yet it is becoming more well know through acceptance therapies, we can not move on until we have dealt with the hard stuff. I would add to that, that in the end, living in a world that's as corrupt as it is ... that we should accept that life will continue to have many hardships. That is is as much about 'learning to live with.' Makes me think of the thread title I made a whiles ago ... How To Make Friends With You Demon. Something like that.
____________________________________________

I spoke out today in a shop that resulted in quite a fuss. A mother came running in, lifted her little toddler by it's little arm and proceeded to belt the kid repeatedly. This took place right next to me.

I talk about that incident and behavioral pattern ... plus my reaction ... in my next post.

I am srry if what I am posting about wells up too much pain. I try to be more mindful ... but I also think we do better to talk about these things. I know it helps me. Like D - I too am in a LOT of pain. I'm trying to be more inspiring than not.

Catch up soon ... I hope you get some relief at some point in your day or evening.

[Ponder]

So today might be an example where stepping in is better than not. Like I really don't won't to participate, yet today's outing was solely about catching up with a friend; not the shops. So for all that talk about remaining an observer, the universe threw an obstacle literally right in front of my path today that was like begging me to step up to the plate.

I live in a town that is renowned for it's highest unemployment level. The town's name comes up a lot when talking about such figures for the state. As such being the case with a relatively high population of lower socio residents (AKA Undesirables as labeled by police, scholars, winners and their associated cheer leading squads / sheep) it's not uncommon to see many ill-equipped and dysfunctional parents that publicly yell and beat their kids. The last few times I saw as much, I later struggled with both the act and impact on both my own life as well as the then their kids.

So today I finally said something under my breath with the intention for this mother to hear knowing full well she would react. I've already mentioned above in my last post how she grappled with child and excessively belted her toddler child. I was not up for debating the issue or legalities of smacking a child. I was however up for publicly protesting to outright abuse. I did well to act as I did.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!!! ... HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!!! BLA BLA BLA AND LOTS OF MORE BLA BLA BLA"

I basically focused on not raising my voice but now having got her attention (she already had the shops when beating her child) and responded to the effect of:

I replied "You heard me" ... (I called her 'Child Beater' swapping basher with beater in some kind of lame attempt to keep myself civil) I went on to explain that beating her child was not only going to screw her kid up, but was also no longer publicly accepted. She went on in a fit yelling out "Why don't you tell the world and bla bla bla ..." I then explained that I would inform welfare completely missing the accusation she made about me being gay. LOL ... my friend brought me up to speed on that. Essentially these militant types that support smacking children see any form of opposition to corporal punishment as weak ... gay by their standards. Although my friend was quick to admit that he has been accused of being gay several time before. I laughed at that, as my wife often refers to me as gay all the time. Especially when going out with my male friends. But I digress.

She hunts down her husband ... he came onto the scene with eyes somewhat dazzed ... as if having just finished pulling a bong. Once he works out what is going on, he reacts by telling me to 'come outside' and 'tell him' out there. I'm 'thinking' like ... Your wife just beats her kid in public and now your both acting all moral like, as if beating on me outside makes the act OK ... to inflict harm on others out of sight? The wife at this point also now inviting me outside yelling and ranting. Sadly I must admit I entertained the idea of going outside to snap the lanky husband in half and use part of his body to beat his wife. This intrusive thought niggled at me during all their yelling. My friend who knows me well and understand why I was upset at seeing the little child get beat, put his hand on my shoulder and says let it be.

I was a little upset that he did that because it could of been taken as an implication on my part for staring the incident. But like I say he was close to me and could see the demon welling up in me. Fact is, I never yelled, I never postured ... he did say though I looked as if I was going to cry. I explained that was more a glazing of rage ... but yea ... crying would be in there as well.

The young shop keeper stepped in to tell the women and her husband to leave the store. Most of the shoppers only saw and heard the commotion of her flogging her child and then her insane reaction to my soft remarks. I was most likely only audible to the other shoppers when responding to the invitations to come outside. At that point after entertaining the idea as previously expressed, I did raise my voice and stated "I have already made my objections ... I've said what needs to be said!" I was rather terse holding myself back.

As we walked out the husband kept hounding me. I turned around and once more entertained my demon by giving that intrusive though some more slack. In that split second, I directed the husband a death stare, where I was either to rip the fuckers head off right there and then ... or not. He suddenly realized he might of bitten off more than he could chew and gave an involuntary response that looked like he momentary lost all function. I guess I looked more insane when a split second later I regained composure and told him straight up, that hitting only results in teaching aggression. This most people heard and was a fitting end to an otherwise peaceful shopping trip.

Lisa later tells me that the women might think twice, next time before beating her kid. I replied that many people respond with hitting when they feel threatened ... yet I feel I did the right thing. More people ought to stand up and say something when they see kids being flogged. What's as sad is how many people try to defend beating their kids. I also think it's sad that people refer to the term gay as weak. On all counts these individuals that think its OK to beat kids and call people gay just because they see them as weak ... well ... that there is also in our culture. Society claims to of evolved on many fronts, yet still lives in the dark ages at that same time.

I don't put up with people beating their kids in public nor do I dislike gay people. I was not all composed later this day. I ended up in a foul mood myself after going out and having to once again see that shit. I don't regret speaking up ... but I do regret having to see beat on their kids and call others names. It's residual. I later gave foul stares back to others whose negativity I attracted via my own state of being. I was pulling faces, giving the finger and ripe for a beating. You see even just seeing others beat up like so .. that is enough to send my over the edge. Even when I see it on the news. The pinnacle is seeing law enforcement beat on others regardless of blame. Of course I just looked like a fucking lunatic. Violence begets violence. This after the events earlier that day. This our wonderful world of restraint. arrrrrr

I'm not well ... and I bit off more than I could chew when going out. It's a gamble to be sure. No doubt I will do as I must. I needed to buy some larger pants to allow for all my extra weight. I ended up finding a nice fitting pair of pants. I got them at the end of the day by going back out and trying once more. My friend came along a second time and then we went for a walk.
_________________________________

I find out next week about the new support person I will be utilizing through NDIS.

[Ponder]

cont ...

On other fronts ... I have estimated an expected amount for the pay out pertaining to all that abuse I suffered in that children's home. This is really hard to write about as well. I did say I would let you all know how that went down as well. I don't know for sure but the insanity is that due to the hierarchy of abuse re penetration Vs physical and mental abuse ... I am set to get around six thousand from the origin pot of six hundred thousand. It's not just the amount of money, but the sheer lack of comprehension when it comes to factoring the act vs impact.

The report is full of so much irony. Much hearsay that wins out through corroboration yet whilst there is no questioning that, the lack of evidence pertaining to impact when compared to the act means nothing in this whole national redress to abuse. It seems more about what society deems as morally right vs the facts. Without a doubt embellishment has been rewarded. I take a little solace in knowing my sister is disgusted with the way this hole compensation claim has been handled. So much so that she will is not even keeping any of her claim. Most is going to her daughter and now that she has found out about the measure of my impact ... she also claims she will be sharing a little of hers with me. I am not counting on it ... but I do appreciate the she seems to get how dismissive and counter healing this whole compensation sham has been.

So it is today when the universe put that mother in front of me to flog her kid ... that I had some more purging to do this day. I also hope that mother think twice before flogging her kid.
________________________________________

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I'm grateful that my mother offered to fast track the medical attention regarding the lump on my back. I will not let the doctors know that until I know the results and know how long the public system will take. This pain in my neck and shoulders is also playing into my instability of late. I literally wake up every morning immobile and in great physical pain. I have been unable to sleep, and again ... put on a tone of weight. Is OK though ... somehow I know what must happen will happen. I even allow that train of thought to apply to today. I expected as much with the results on all fronts. For those following my story, I just say that I am very happy that I am now once again have a good relationship with my sister and my mum. Remember how I never talked to them for years running after my brothers death. In that things have worked out good in the end.

I try to sleep well tonight ... I have PT (physical trainer) in the morning. 3 times a week that has been. I found out she has experience talking with inmates. I say talking because she seems like a good listener. Good listeners are worth listening too in my book. This lady is good at helping to perk me up when I feel completely flat. We use a balance ball in the park and so mostly remedial core exercises with a few trots and walks ... run walk run kind of thing. Just like I used to. I really can't believe just how much bad timing this lump in the neck is with regards to this.

I've got to keep it simple. We agreed to dial back the intensity of exercise and focus more on stretching ...

Shit ... its really late ... I got to get up in about 6 hours. given how long it takes to get to sleep ... yea ... I got to get a hold of this shit of late.

ok ... no edits tonight

night night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

2am ... in a lot of pain feeling sweaty, squeezy and unable to sleep. Just canceled PT. I think I need to cancel for the entire next week. This kind of ongoing pain really sucks. I am completely exhausted but unable to get adequate rest. Kind of just going in and out of micro sleeps. The pain is starting to shoot up the back of neck into my head. Also been giving headaches.

Srry to whine about it, I am sure it's just yesterdays events excaerbating things is all. I try again to go back to sleep. Zzzzzzzzz

[Dahila]

oh not good, I wonder I know you hate meds but maybe this is the situation that call for pain killer?

[Ponder]

Pffff yea right ... best they gave me last time was a script for Panadeine forte. BUT thanks for the suggestion. You are correct, I was just today consider pain medication. Thanks for the suggestion. Sleep is more important at this stage Vs side effects. I might try Valerian Root. In my opinion it works at least as good as codeine ... quality of product, and timing when taken + the right amount of stomach contents all being factored in. Don't know ... I'd rather just take some *&^%ing slow release morphine and be done with it. Like that's going to happen.

Alternatively I start back up my monk practice. :)

[Ponder]

PS ... I no what you mean D, but just to be clear and for a more proactive outlook regarding the use of chemicals ... I don't 'hate' meds, despite once speaking tersely about such things. I'm a lot more objective on the topic these days. Nevertheless I get your meaning. It's sad that despite being more mindful about my approach to medication, the GP I am currently seeing treats me like a drug addict when it comes to prescribing pain killers. (Ancient History re psychologist and medical reports / mud sticks and thus ... holds me back) Such is the text book response of many doctors as taught in university and other elements of mainstream authority. Is the same with all the complacent health care professionals. All the more reason to avoid the medical system as it be.

I will seek to self medicate if the system refuses to ease my pain when it comes to allowing me enough sleep. My self medication generally less detrimental than the term usually suggests. Everyone is quick to judge when using such words.

[Ponder]

Mum sent me a little medicine to assist with the pain. So far it's helping.

My appointment with the private surgeon was putt off again. This time they said that doctor is on extended leave and to go back to my GP and get a new referral to another doctor.

Thx for the antidotal Mum. It will do for now.

Cheers.

https://i.ibb.co/SvsnFcg/Mr-Beanfinger.gif

[Dahila]

what I read about your GP I think the change I made (I was lucky) when he heard that I am taking tylenol 3 for muscle spasms, they sound like nothing but it is extremely painful, he told me that he can give me much better medication for it, That he prefers tylenol 3 in the garbage, It causes a lot of damage, and I do believe him. He gave me muscle relaxer that works fast and I only take when actually I am getting it, So far in two months just 4 times. Does not make me sick like pain killer had, Actually I get up pain free and rested . I know when I am going to get the spasms, it starts like needles in my back an hour before the full blown spasm,
I know you tried cold compress it was giving you some relieve, now try the warm one, Maybe it gives you some relieve.
My husband had tons of pushing on different date appointments and it ended in serious condition.
My friend husband (46) sick heart was pushed off like 3 operation dates, He died on emergency room ........... fucken Universal health care

[Ponder]

... :( ... all about the $$$

[Ponder]

Does it get this cold where you are Dahila?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1noUh2NrLI

:)

[Dahila]

yep it is -7 feels like -14 , but I like it, I am probably the only person in the world that likes when is cold and a lot of snow, I feel alive when the cold air is so crispy ;)
I left message on Fb rambling too. eh
we do have temps up to -40 celsius but not too often,
Syberia is awful my poor uncle was there for five years, as an award that he was fighting against nazzies.

[Ponder]

D - I share this in here as well. Something we can truly appreciate:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTih3fwoA2I

[Dahila]

I love it, Breathe in the white light, breath out the bullshit

[Ponder]

ahahahahahahahahahaahahahaaaaaaa well said.

[salvator here]

I actually do this when in public, I breath in, and gather up the bs (in my head) and let it go (because I'm holding on to it in the first place) and it works quite well. Sometimes I can feel the white light but not always.

[Ponder]

The white light is over rated Sal. It only works when you see and feel it partially. If we see and felt it all the time it would lose it's meaning/feeling. Those that claim to see and feel it all the time - talk BS.

In this regard I like to think in terms of dappled light. How the dark compliments the light and light compliments the dark. Standing under a bright light full time would be such an annoyance. Especially for us light sensitive ones. All these would be light workers claiming to be under the light full time would look like Moses, as he apparently did, when coming down the mountain with a tablet in each hand. Except today they would have 'The Secret' chiseled into their tablets.
https://i.ibb.co/8j41jZc/after-seeing-god.png ... This is what full time white light people end up looking like. Extroverts might love such an appearance to go with their collection of tools to light up a room when they enter. Tony Robbins would be proud. At least mosses knew when to cover his face in a crowded room so as not to slay everyone with his charisma.

Narrrr man ... we don't need that shit. We just need to stick with accepting what is from our own perspective and find solace where each of us can. We do a good job in here as it is; or at least I think so form under my little rock. :)
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________



So man ... ladies and gents ... what else is happening? I got some good new despite still being in a lot of psychical pain. I got a call from St Stevens hospital telling me the doc will now see me. I kind of feel like my head is being messed with as is the same doc where I was put off twice with the last contact advising me to go back to GP and start all over again with referral to someone else. I was given no reason as to why the change in plans yet again. I thought no worries, just be happy I can see someone and get the ball rolling. Whatever the fuck this think is in the back of my neck ... it has to come the fuck out!!!

So I am seeing this doc around midday. Got PT shortly. I almost gave that up when shooting off an email to reschedule work out times due to my inability to sleep. I also said I only want to walk from this point on; at least until I stop waking up all rigid like and able to move around more freely in much less pain. I chose to do this as one step in a few others to reduce the amount of stress in my life. Whilst some may reason stress can help us grow, it's also fact that it can KILL!

I got another meeting this morning at my place regarding my NDIS plan. Given the incident the other day with mother beating child and my almost explosive outrage, I'm looking forward to trialing a new support person. My mental health is not so good out in public when unsupported. I actually think this is the case for most people this day and age. Of course not for those whom are blessed with full time white light exposure. lol. It really is more about the $$$ than anything else. Keep a full time supply of that is enough to keep one bathing under such a pretentious light. Yet the best way to break the shallow mindset on such is adopting the practice of learning to live on less. YES - I remember echoing as much often early last year.

Is not so hard when you have no choice ... then the lesson is more about putting up with said pretentious and shallow individuals that walk around with high beams permanently switched on. lol Who want's to look like that.

Seriously ... they look like clowns ... do they not? Everybody wants to be on X FACTOR. To encapsulate that ecstatic feeling ... over and over. Not just the contestants and judges, but all those sheep in the audience.

No different with our Oprah Winfrey and Eckhart Tolle Adiances... regardless of the message.

Such is the plasticity of most people's world.

Take the Red Pill. :)

Forum is quiet because most people are still taking the blue pill.
Red pill and blue pill have become slang for accepting truth even though it’s difficult, or rejecting it to cling to a comfortable falsehood.

[Ponder]

Hey dig this D - Have you ever rung the hospital to ask if a family member had arrived as last you knew they were on the way because they were not mentally doing well. Then the hospital tells you your not privy to that information? If we can't sort things without always having to get authorities involved, then how the fuck are we supposed to learn to deal with these things on our own? No wonder society if totally fucked! Talk about creating more drama.

There was a time when I could ring to check on my wife (needing a lift or extra things) ... not any more. The above of course is a lot more concerning. Fucking ridiculous D ... Ridiculous!!!

They do more to tear families apart this day and age. You get my drift?

[Dahila]

yep this is why we had the paper who decides about others health , I would believe that they would give me info about him and vice versa they call this living will.
ok I am good I am changing
Breath in the pink light, breath out the bullshit and fuck it

[Ponder]

lol D re Pink Light. My Bad. Srry. Yes, Lisa is Authorized to get info on me, but I mean the day you can't even find out if a loved one is in hospital without the need for such BS red tape is pretty fucked. The reason Facebook is the way it is, IS because of all the fear people are taught to believe. Even happens in places similar to these where we all pretend to be something else or talk in riddles because we are afraid someone will take the information and destroy our lives. Not saying we should advertise everything we do, (although there are those of us that have nothing to hide) but the fear itself is what feeds the cyber bullying and the like.

Anyways ... Lisa is getting a call later about my MRI date. They might call me, but like you say ... I have Lisa list as an authorized person. The surgeon is prepared to wave his own fee (bulk bill) but I pay for anesthetist and hospital stay. Not sure of cost just yet as surgeon needs to see results. If he can and depending on time in the public system I might wait, however given the continued pain and the resulting pain in the ass I am quickly becomming ... all things considered ... my mum may be able to assist with ending this drama sooner than later. See what happens ... unless it is a ridiculous price. Then I am fucked.

In the mean time I was able to score some endone. 20 tablets to use very wisely over the next couple of weeks. MRI should be done by then. The Surgeon is away so no appointment until 4th Feb. Like I say ... I will play it safe with the meds and skip the nights I feel more able to suffer without ... kind of thing.

I have accounted for the missing family member now ... all is good as can be.

Not a bad day.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh my ... my life is now destroyed. I shared too much. My oh my ... what to do. Pfffft, meh ... and eh. ;)

[Dahila]

Breath in the purple light, breath out the black bullshit and fuck it :)

[Ponder]

Skipped the endone last night and woke up at around 2:20am. Went to bed around 7:00pm. Now UP on this thing @ 3:45am ... I smirk to think what condition I will be in as I flounder about, attempting to jog from one side of the hockey oval to the other @ 7:00am.

I am not in serious pain. In fact pain wise, whilst someone else might cringe experiencing the level I am @ ... I am enjoying the absence of what's missing for now. I made the right decision not using the endone last night despite waking so early this morning. I have 19 tabs left for when things get real bad. Let's hope I can play my cards right with the rest of the medicine. I also need to play my cards right on so many other levles.

Unfortunately there is yet another family crisis going on to which, whilst I have no secrets, nothing good will come in sharing the details surrounding that. At least not at this stage. It's pretty much the same for most byproduct families under the same oppression within the same system. Whilst attributing to said system, it never ends. Yet when you take a step back and are still connected to loved one's who they themselves are still being pressed ... hmmmm ... it's like watching your family being eaten alive while your sitting pretty. Therefore ... for those of us with heart left, the pain never really ends.

The example I gave earlier where one is required to first get authority in order (family or not) to find out if a missing member is present or in pain - Well ... hospitals may have the power to lessen physical pain (depending on your status and means) but the hierarchical structure and laws to which they abide, will ensure many of us continually live in pain. That's the bind. Those that don't see it it typically worship the system and bow down to it in saving grace like a slave thankful for one less beating or being allowed 3 days to heal before the next level of suffering begins. The others that hold said system in esteem are called winners. In their eyes, losers bring everything they suffer upon themselves. This is how we are conditioned to hate and despise those not playing ball.

Of course that hate extends to much more and consumes. People of different color do not play ball. People in boats fleeing unimaginable abuses do not play ball. People who don't beleive as others don't play ball, People who don't talk of think as others do not play ball. Then so powerful is the effect of said corrupt system, that when people fleeing one cancerous side of the planet are assimilated by the other, those fleeing then begin to contribute to new oppressive forces as guilty of likewise abuse, where in the end they bow down, worship and defend these they deem as peaceful saviors. I mean that is those fleeing that are not blown out of the water or in concentration camps. Again ... same double bind as the hospital system that sells all kinds of BS romantic stories designed to cover up not just the so called imperfections, but the otherwise obvious imbalance.

In this light it's easy to see how division and hate are encouraged. In all it's forms. How much is human nature and how much is taught? Does it really matter? How does disconnection work? hmmm ... Ponder questions in relation to pain management - not pacification?

[Ponder]

DOing OK all things considered. Have a good day.

[Ponder]

1am still doing OK ... going back to sleep. Zzzzzz

[salvator here]

Here as well Ponder, I'm back up on 2 feet again. The cycle is finally breaking and I can see clearly again and the dark cloud has made way for some sun today. I Walked today up and down the street 3/4 mile, weather was about 36 degrees light wind. Hard to find the motivation to get things going after a long cycle of doing nothing but getting up and going to bed. Have lots to think about and work on otherwise I fall too far behind to catch up. Still have a lot on my plate and am overwhelmed at times. I didn't clean much over the last month and the bathroom looks like a gas station :D

Been practicing visualizing breathing out the black bullshit and it works sometimes.

[Dahila]

sal I am so glad to see you, D and I had a chat on fb so it was nice and refreshing. good to see you to breathe out the black bs ;)

[Ponder]

Glad to hear it Sal. lol @ Gas Station comparison. It's similar here too. :) If and when I get back on the treadmill at the gym, it will be obvious to most that I'm in a similar boat with still getting back up. We can do it Sal. One foot in front of the other.

Yes D - Thanks for the chat ... very much needed this end too. I only have a select few on FB, You welcome to be a part of that Sal ... just PM for details if you like, but understand if FB is too close a thing. I rarely post on mine. Mostly use the FB messenger is all ... on occasion I might.

Yawnsssss ... Hill Billy Heroin Kicking in. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I am SO looking forward to my neck and shoulder healing. knock on wood. MRI next week.

[Ponder]

How stupid can we get D?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yS1ibDImAYU

[Ponder]

Hope your still doing Ok Sal? Thinking of you guys.

[Ponder]

Only using my phone now D:

https://i.ibb.co/FzDqGXD/nomorecom.jpg

See how long I can go doing that. :) I"ll still post, but will be more mobile and probably more outdoors.

[salvator here]

Thanks Dahila and Ponder.. thinking of you too. Good to hear you're getting out of the house more, it will help I think.

[Ponder]

Thx Sal. Good to hear form you again & glad your still breathing. lol. hehe ... get's like that for us, does it not? Rhetorical. All good.

This morning I am heading back onto the tread mill. It's no easy task as now I go back the chubby fat beginner where once before I was magazine materiel. Such is the nature of my mental illness. Sigh. Perhaps this time not so straight forward as I'm still toting about a small tumor like lump and sore in the neck and shoulders. I have really been hard on myself with lifestyle and food + taking meds which is quite depressing for me.

I will also admit the NDIS / National Disability Insurance Scheme is sending my over the edge. I keep saying I will write about this or that but then get side track. Last it was going to be about a romance that took place between myself and a social worker. Pedro reminded me of that. In the off chance your reading Pedro ... " Hi ... hope your doing OK or good enough!"

The romance story probably more engaging than me going over the edge with my take on NDIS. Yet the latter is in need of addressing if I am to make the most out of said services.

For now I make my grand entrance back into the gym. LOL ... just kidding. I now embark on the humility of starting from scratch (yet again) doing what I do best. Comebacks!

Had to give the PT the flick ... yet another story. LOL ... I should stick to fiction. Real life can be a bitch.

Catch up soon enough. Take care.

[Ponder]

1. Back from the gym ... I let someone in who was waiting outside. He took up a position along side me in a line of treadmills doing his own thing. later a PT turned up asking him how he got in. I immediately piped up saying "it was I truly, " I went on to explain that I normally don't let people in, but that he looked OK to me. I care less if I am breached. I only wish I had the space for my own treadmill. If I did, I would purchase a cheap one from eBay, run it into the ground and then throw it on the heap like we do with everything else. Such is how our well equipped litter their junk in low earth orbit. Why should I be any different? I say let's pull ourselves over the edge all the more quicker.


Interesting perspective. Suits my condition of extremes quite well. Fuck It ... I'm purging to be sure, yet the truth oozes no less. How we deal with it ... well ... lets pile up the garbage all the more quicker so the problem can't be ignored. Pacification hides what needs dealing with, so the core always goes unaddressed. No one wants to see or talk about it. The NDIS is good creating J-O-B-s but fucked at dealing with individuals. Boo fucking Hoo ... that's all the time I have for that. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Sigh ... that feels good. Need to do more of that.

Yea yea ...

Off for the MRI this morning. I hope its either an lump that when removed eases a nerve or two, otherwise an aggressive form of cancer. Fuck this deception balancing things in between. All that BS on respectfully challenging each other only then telling us to sit in our discomfort. Beam up me thor ... fuck this existence.

WTFE - Purge purge and purge.

[Ponder]

When in doubt:

Go fly a kite!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWhxodIpT9o

[Ponder]

Think I found new Hobby:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUl295oyeIc

[Ponder]

Here's a little something I threw together that I think sums up my current potion very well:

https://i.ibb.co/2Kx1jdq/NDIS-Blog-Cover-Image.png

Its a cover pic for an intended discussion on the negative affects of the industrialization of human services regarding Australia's National Disability Insurance Scheme. More so my experiences with NDIS coordination, Capacity Assessment and so on. I am getting mixed messages where the whole process really is sending me and others over the edge. Many people complaining to their peers how they are now overwhelmed with too many appointments and services.

I actually had a good system going myself before new welfare reforms completely changed the landscape of mental health services with the introduction of NDIS. The mentoring and Personal helpers program I was on (PHaMs) via the local employment agencies was one of many services that has since made way. Gradually like wise mental health services have also given way by renaming and changing their accessibility. Clients who were once being serviced have been weened off and eventually left without appropriate supports. Of course service providers will reason that newly established programs will be put in place to buffer those in between.

I'm not a service provider. I am a client who has been in the welfare system most of his life. I saw this welfare reform coming when service providers told me "Nothing Changes" I am hear to tell you this is far from the truth. Everything has changed. The way in which people are treated being at the top of that list. The industrialization of human services is what comes to mind here. My experience can outline a once welcoming mental health community that relocated into a white walled mental health facility. Adding to this dynamic is the NDIS focus on Job creation over Individual Needs. This is resulting in mental health patients now being overwhelmed with many services that care less about clients relations. Service providers seem more intent on the number of packages and their own capacity.

I am getting mixed messages. I rang the NDIS and asked in person regarding this talk of " Use it or lose it!" I expressed my concern that I did not want to be overwhelmed with what I regard as a negative practice. I talked about how this outlook would push people into taking on, too much too soon. To this point I only needed a few services to keep me going and the whilst the possibility to utilize more appropriate services would indeed help, I was worried about the impressions and talk coming from various service workers such as "Use it or lose it ..." I don't like being pressured like so. Many of us affected types crumble under such pressure. It's not an excuse but rather a certified fact.

At that point, The NDIS person over the phone assured me my ongoing assessments and approved plans would not be based solely on the amount of money spent. I don't recall the exact words but lets just say I felt we both agreed ongoing assistance would be based on appropriate needs as warranted via, doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and like wise stability reports. However after meeting with an NDIS OT ... Capacity Assessor, I once more heard the chant of "Use it or lose it..." I also heard something about dismissing my psychologist, however this I allowed to go over my head; for now. I have a very healthy respect of my therapist and if the system will not work with her, then there is no way in hell I will remain stable.

So you see ... I am hearing to very different things with regard to the "Use it or lose it ..." talk. There should always be room to expand, however one should not be pressured to take on more than what one needs. So far I have not seen any flexibility on offer in this regard. No assurance of being able to add to a plan regardless on not spending up big in the beginning, but more a kind of imposing threat ... Use it or lose it? It's no wonder many individuals are crumbling under the pressure of so many meetings, sessions, visits and leading into expectations regardless of a service providers point of view. Generally those pushing the services have no understanding of the systemic pressures mentally affected individuals have been subject too over the years.

For me it has been very much a case of the welfare processes negatively impacting more than the actual certified labels. As entitled in the image, it is very much a case of the process itself pushing people of the edge. In this case of NDIS taking over mental health services, this is very much the case yet again.

I have not even touched on how Job Creation dictates over the needs of the individual. I challenge any service provider in whatever role to explain it otherwise. For now I leave this as is ... It's once again very late and I am not getting any sleep. This being my process of going over the edge. These welfare reforms and changing landscape have derailed me completely.

Other factors are being offered more psychotherapy, however my long standing therapist implies to me she has not been able to go through the red tape ... Dead End! So you see ... more conflicts.

The irony ... is according to the prerequisites on gov websites ... to be receiving help, one must already be supported and stabilized. I could inadvertently find myself with no support as a result of falling over the edge regardless of the long battle to of been accepted. That battle - the required effort in itself being just one more part of the system that whittles an individual down into nothing more than an object to consumed.

Thus ... I present to you the Industrialization of Human Services.

Regards
Consumer being consumed.

[Ponder]

My Current State of Mind:

https://i.ibb.co/GHj5zHL/State-of-Mind.jpg

Believe it or not ... I am trying. It's been like that for at least the last 8 weeks. I tend to clean some up, but then more piles up. It's been a losing battle for some time now which brings to mind some of the proposed services. It's hard to be open and honest about such things. Let this be my own assessment to which I know more than a few peers I know can relate. I do not enjoy living like this. What gives? Keeping up with the system. For now I try to polish above post as I have now linked it to a few people in more control, who may benefit by taking the time to read. It matters little if my point of view is not in line with others. What matters is that some of us need to be heard.

At the very least, this writing process enabling me to stretch as I must.

[Ponder]

Saw the GP today about rolling over my mental health plan. 7 years running now ... or since 2012 ... I guess that 6 going on 7. Good timing all things considered. That said I am completed exhausted now. I almost managed to polish my initial thread. Here is that attempt:
https://ndistheprocesspushingpeopleovertheedge.wordpress.c om/

I spoke to the doc today about meds. That was a very interesting discussion. The K10 form this time revealed much as the doctor and I are now connecting much better. She does not want to rush my decision as she know well my desire to remain medication free. This is a good sign of respect. Things are looking up regarding my bias. I explained this fact with her today and I could tell she was pleased. I would really love to share that story ... but like I say ... I have literally not slept in two days. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Adios until next post.

PS - was good to have a friend come with me and also got a call from another. Both being from the mental health facility that I can no longer attend. I am happy with myself that I have thus far been able to retain these friendships. I do however miss not being able to see the some of the others that I also got along with. It is what it is. None the less, kudos for still having friends.

[Ponder]

I'm doing OK D (limbo, managing pain but still in need of bouncing back) - Thanks for asking.

Yea, your lotions would indeed find a home here if you had a tent out our ways. Lisa would also benefit greatly. VERY HOT here. Lisa is now wearing an ice vest. Not sure what you call it, but she says it helps a lot when she goes out. Apparently more than a few MS patients are using them. I think I would like one myself. I will have to test hers out. About AU 180.00 smackaroos. Avoid the Lcheapo ones.

[Dahila]

Arctic Heat Products aid in reducing the effects of heat stress and reduce the likelihood of heat related illness by cooling the body.

A cooler body means less sweating. Less sweating means the onset of dehydration is delayed. Leading to improved performance and productivity.

The ice cool vest is also very useful in treating conditions such as Multiple Sclerosis, MS Ectodermal Dysplasia, and Eczema.

Buy Direct Now from our online store
Eczema that's interesting , it makes sense, When I am hot I do have extremelly itchy skin not to say about muscle spasm maybe I should look for cooling vest too

[Ponder]

:) ... Buy while stocks last!

Yea, I don't like the heat at all. I struggle with letting my beard grow due to the skin issues.

Man I have let myself get so Fat D ... Like I am not hung up on the body image, but more the health issues that come with being like so. I've been quite unwell of late. I really need to get a grip on things. I hope the healing after cutting the lump out my neck is not too much drama. :) Is all Good though ... very happy I am getting help from my parents to get it out sooner then later.

I try to make more of an effort with the self sabotaging re food. Got to go back to food as medicine mentality.

I try to sleep now ... Be well D.

Hope your doing OK to Sal?

[Dahila]

yeah I hear you . today I had started the needles and checking my blood glucose and it is in range but I thought it is lower,
Like immediately I lost my apatite :)
I need to use hand size, I mean palm size if you can close you palm around it it is good portion

[salvator here]

Thank you for thinking of me, it means a lot now. Struggling lots lately but taking it day-by-day with everything. Some days I hit some low lows and wonder how I'll make it, I never cave in to the urge to drink myself into oblivion.

I read here everyday and keep up. I'm happy to read you both posting and to know you're managing.

Nice to see you Ponder and Dahila :)

[Ponder]

Yea, I just checked here to see how your going as well. Thanks for the upbeat sentiments ... it helps very much. TY. I can't really think straight atm as my wife has a visitor in the background. Just wanted to acknowledge and say thanks for keeping in touch.

I caught up with an old mentor today. We went out and had a cup of herbal tea as some tea specialist shop. It was a good outing. We later talked about possible supports.

I'll keep you posted. Very pleased your also aiming straight. :)

[Ponder]

Sorry D - Missed your reply. I've been missing a lot of things of late. I am always inspired with your knowledge and application in using it. Not many understand just how important that can be as we get older. I kind of wish I started being more mindful about my body when younger. Oh well ... Damage control now. :)

[salvator here]

Yeah we pay for what we did when younger for sure, I didn't take care of my body (and mind) and I look every day of 46 now, some guess me to be older which stinks. I like the way you put that.. damage control now is right.

[Dahila]

well, when we are young we feel we have a lot of time but we not , life goes so fast and we loose time to drink to play to do a lot of other things, Not realizing that we wasting the little precious time we had on the planet. Yeah I probably pay price for being an idiot and not question meds they put me on. My culprit were Statins the most prescribed medication in the world. Fuckers were kind of scaring me about heart attack
I was on it for years then as a result I got diabetes type 2. Today I finally got how to do it properly so actually 20 pics I finally figure out how to do it,
I thought I will get enough blood with small puncture but not my skin is thicker that I thought, I does not hurt , Fear is a mind killer , is it not?
I am so scared to eat that maybe, maybe I will lose some weight

[Ponder]

Yep and yep :) Your both 'dead' right! ...

Another late one here. Although there is news to report, I am tooooo tired. hehe. Don't know why I am pushing myself to stay up so late (Game Addiction/Distraction/Compulsion) ... I am working on it.

I do my best to make a proper report soon. :) Night Guys ... Be well as can be.

[Dahila]

you know I like reading books in bed, but lately as soon as I go to bed and start reading , few pages and I am so damn tired , Should i go at 8 to bed to have the time to read, before I collapse? It is kind of funny,
My mother had the same thing, i was laughing , I put all nighter for many years, when I got interesting book ..................eh
Do you have results yet?

[Ponder]

arrrrr the good old read a book to go to sleep trick. I remember those days well. When I used to read paperbacks. : ) - I wish I never sold my Kindle. Now would be a perfect time to go back to reading like so. Great Idea D. Yes I do beleive an earlier bed time is a good prescription.

Yes the results came in. Appointment with Surgeon this coming Monday to discuss the details and book in the procedure. I will have to contact my parents to find out how to pay. Thanks for the reminder. At this point D they say does not look like cancer however they also say they can't rule it out. Additionally (although I can't remember the terminology) the report also goes on to suggest that that lump is impeding neck movement and that they recommend the operation to have it fully removed. The latter is all I needed to get on the public system, however the wait is too long and I am still in pain. I am very luck I have parents that can afford to help me go private.

At then end of the day, we really wont know until the thing has been removed. It's just one of those lumps where a biopsy is required to really know. I'm just happy there is plans to remove the whole thing sooner than later. I will keep you posted with what the surgeon has to say after my this this coming Monday.
_______________________

ON OTHER FRONTS [X-Mentor / Case Manager Reads Blog & Steps In : ] SUPPORT WORKERS???????

I am trying to get over this depressive cycle. I think that latest Blog Post I wrote up about NDIS, covered one aspect to my sordid life quite well. I use such a term more because of the shame often associated to the constant quantifying of one's right to receive whatever. (my wife now going through it - Society says "I have a service for you" ... BUT then you must beg!) Change NDIS to simple Welfare Recipient and I think the majority of us all get the gist of that well enough. Thankfully the team leader of a previous program, after reading my blog contacted me, where we discussed both our concerns.

As some of you know I have been receiving mental health support for years now and generally that's been a very good thing. The long and short is I start with a support person this morning. What is a support person I hear echo in my head as I type this text out loud? Good question. Simply put ... it's a person who's goal is to support and guide you but not lead you.
_________________________________

NEW BLOG POST:

SIGH ... excuse me while I make sense of it myself. WHAT IS A MENTAL HEALTH DISABILITY SUPPORT PERSON SERVICE ALL ABOUT?

I think much of the text learned in the certification process is very much lost and not truly appreciated without the experience, or perhaps better said not really understood until one has lived experience. That live experience NOT being a Mental Health Disability Support Worker with mental health issues. I no longer beleive in PEER SUPPORT being the great leading force in solving societies mental health problems. Whilst there are some pros ... I in fact think that is a disaster but not a discussion for now.

But you know what ... I come back later and work on the above blue text. I am too tired, zoned out and just want to go back to gaming. I work it out with this new support worker when he comes. I'll just say I had an interesting interview with his boss. That boss being the gentleman my old friend/X mentor hooked me up with. I got lucky and met some good people again. Down to earth types not yet burnt out by the system.

I just free style my text after that. I need more sun like a plant I thinks.

Take Care Peeps ... this was my best effort for the day. Perhaps recharge when this support person gets here. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Dahila]

Lipoma (Skin Lumps)
A lipoma is a growth of fatty tissue that slowly develops under your skin. People of any age can develop a lipoma, but children rarely develop them. A lipoma can form on any part of the body, but they typically appear on the: neck, shoulders, back, abdomen, arms, thighs. They’re classified as benign growths, or tumors, of fatty tissue. This means a lipoma isn’t cancerous and is rarely harmful.
I have one above my shoulder blade but it does not hurt, When you rapidly lose the weight then gain some, they do appear. If this is Lipoma. it does press on nerve , I am sure so the pain.
I know what you mean today I made like 10 calls and can not find organization that would help me with aquiring test strips, eh
Beside that people never leave me alone, I never write to anyone, you are the only person that I chat, Why the hell people think i like their videos or stupid jokes or whatever , They pissing me off
I am like you playing games just to blank out , it helps

[Ponder]

:) Both you and Sal keep me going. :) Thx guys. Don't give up on each other guys. Keep posting while you can.

I manged to get on my bike today. First time in like 6 months! Got my heart pumping without having to run around an open field. I also got some afternoon sun.

Thanks for the feed back D. I appreciate the info very much. I hope your able to sort out what you need soon enough.

You doing OK Sal????

[salvator here]

Thank you for asking, I'll be ok. Don't worry too much about me.

Good to know you're finally getting some answers now, hopefully as Dahila said, its a benign skin lump.

I haven't been on a bike since childhood. Should try again sometimes.

Take care :-)

[Ponder]

I really enjoyed the bike ride, but think I will let my muscles recover and mix it up with a walk this morning. I really don't feel like doing any of this however I know if I keep it up ... it will stop me from slip too far down into a pit of despair. I woke up to find my wife dealing with a complaint regarding the male nurse that sexually assaulted my daughter. Looks like he is going to get away with it. GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr :(

No wonder I hate those places. It's just so hard to get through the days in public of late ... hard enough in my own space to be honest. This is why I must keep moving and not slip into a coma on my computer playing games all day. Sigh.

My first day with the support worker went extremely well. I just focus on that for now. That support is why I ended up jumping on my Bike and why I am now looking to keep up some form of mild attempt at one foot in front of the other kind of thing.

I am srry if my talking about having support is upsetting for others because they do not have it. All I know is that it does help me and now that I have support again, I want to get the most I can from it. Personally I think we should all have support ... which is why I ask after my friends. If you guys lived over here I would make the effort to visit and support you guys in a similar way.

I best make a move.

Just keep doing what works ... at least move for the sake of one's lymphatic system. :)

[salvator here]

I completely understand, being in public is a chore and we can't put a price on peace and quiet alone time. I try to get outside even if only to get coffee or iced tea. If I stay in a whole day and not go out, tomorrow is difficult to get out. I do have control to not binge on games, I can put they down.

thanks you for saying that, and yes, if I lived near you I would also join you for coffee as well as Dahila and others here, but friends in real life must take a back seat because people here are very standoffish and unapproachable to me, maybe someday the right person will come alone if I'm open to it. Right now I'm pretty closed and shut down to the idea; I keep to myself and stay in lonerville.

[salvator here]

Maybe someday I'd be more open to groups. I'm not upset if others are getting more help that myself, at the moment, I'm not taking advantage of every outlet offered to me I guess. This year I need to find a way to stop living in isolation so much I think.

[Dahila]

If we could meet, I have no people who would understand my anxiety, fear, ........ no one. My hubby says he does but how someone who did not go through it can get it?
I am happy you both make progress.
I am working on checking what foods cause the jump in my blood glucose, So far I know that an apple does not jump , So far so good :)

[Ponder]

10/10 for the apples D. Red or Green? I usually eat the greens ones because someone told me they are do a better job from a healing perspective. I must admit though, although I rarely eat the red ones, I do consider them very much a treat. Especially if you can find a place that sells real ones. Apples and like wise food these days just don't taste anything like the real deal. I don't beleive younger people will ever know the reality in that. I find that very sad as I believe my grandson would actually eat a lot more fruits and veggies if they did not taste so devoid and plastic. None the less, it's still better than cardboard and plastic wrapped solutions that I have also been self medicating on of late. lol

Your a legend D Once again you inspire me.

On other fronts ... I find it nice to have a quite forum to pop into. Don't you? :) Many of those others are like a loud shopping center for me.

[Ponder]

Do you ever find yourself thinking how memories that were once so vivid and alive are now seemingly dull and fading? I often wonder how much that is due to PTSD verses the fact we now live in a world with trillions of bright lights, fancy images and Hollywood gloss. It's easy to label ourselves in a world that thrives on diagnosis. I sincerely beleive my lack of desire to live in this world is 'more' resultant from the way in which the world functions; than it is to do with impact of long term mental illness. To be sure both go hand in hand. All I am saying is one come's before the other.

I swore I would never have kids again. Watching my grandson start going through the system is grueling to say the least. I think this is one of many reasons why of late I am loosing sleep.

[Dahila]

Oh Ponder you made me blush, I eat few kinds of apples, Ambrosia, Fuji, Honeycrisp, it would be all. I need hard apple but sweet, Nothing made me happier than checking that apple does not spike me, Today I came from market and my bg was very low even with two slices of bread I had, Tomorrow I will get more test strips and check for my bread, It is more on the rye side than regular flour, Let's check how much jump it causes. This way I can actually check which foods make me sick and which do not. I keep my fingers crossed about tomato but will check it when I have mine so around end of July. I do not eat the ones from stores, I have no stomach for that s***t.
My apple is not only major source of insoluble fiber, but also my treat, The only sugar I eat :)
BTW apples of our youth are gone, they will not be back, Old kinds of apples do not grow so well in polluted environment

[Ponder]

Well whatever your doing keep doing it because clearly it's working for you. I have been struggling energy wise very much for quite some time now. Whilst food can be liken to medicine and plays a most pivotal role in our health, it is only one of many other aspects that I let slip. The sun has not long been up. I should go work on another aspect such as getting outside for a bit.

Sadly my daughter has switched back to tap water. That said, I guess we are lucky compared to other countries where they are drinking stagnated water.

I only eat Roma tomatoes as I find the other ones too acidic for me. There are many claims about tomatoes being unhealthy, however the same can be said for galric and onion ... where does it end? I just go by what my body tells me, although that concept does not work when your out of sync. First things first ... meaning, I need to get a hold of my weight yet again ... then I can subscribe to listening to my body as antidote to those toxic marketing reports. Not all reports are agenda based, I find some have merit through my own experimentation. Many combinations of food do indeed hinder nutrient absorption and thus the common claims of health benefits to whatever foods are null and void. The latter more a thing that can only be detected when one's body is in check. Medications being one of many factors that mask such things ... not all ... but long term many do. So too obesity (like me now), lack of sleep, illness, stress, and so on.

Food intolerance to and individuals physiologic make is another thing that many nutritionist simply do not get or take the time to adequately investigate when drawing up plans. I've been bake on wheat and grains which is causing my skin to itch like too much sugar can. This one is more easy to detect compared to nutrient absorption. More so for those of us with liver issues. Also many eczema sufferers; although not all. Sugar, Wheat and Some Processed Grains can cause me havoc when I do not keep them in check. Usually I do MUCH better when I cut them out completely. Many have a different take on that one, however many also make the same claims.

First I work on other fronts and keep my portions in check. Right now I am back on Eggs and Toast. LOL ... Eggs are another thing that are not good for me if I have too many. Digestive wise they are not good for me. Still working on that. Eggs I have not ruled out completely, although It is one area of many that I do not want to support the industry. Best way to cripple an industry is to stop buying. More people should do it, however we live in a selfie world far removed from the truth. Perhaps I should get angry once more to help drive my next bout of self improvement. :)

Perhaps might catch you on FB a bit later.

[Dahila]

When I think about food (very often) I feel the simplest is the best,
I do not eat processed foods, however even chicken is processed food now with the things they eat, or rather are fed.
Wow it happened again I went shopping and got the panic attack I was in panic mode for over 4 hours, Checked my sugar, good, checked my blood pressure ; good, So I am left with option of panic attack .
Why the heck? No reason for that. I was driving and trying to calm myself down with breathing. Not nice at all
You absolutely right about grains, When we were younger the wheat was not processed the same way as is now. No doubts people have problems with skin, You skin is the way you eat

[Ponder]

I will finish what is in the house, but buying no more or very little wheat and grain. It's as addictive as sugar is it not? Mostly empty calories too. It never leaves me feeling satisfied, in fact I always feel hungry whenever eating wheat and grain. ALWAYS ... I am also bloated all the time on that crap. bla bla bla ... lol ... hysterically so because I am now hanging out for a freshly baked wheat bun and some processed paddy with maybe a couple of leaves on the side. Pffft ... I really got to wake the %$#@ up!!!

Yes ... I am what I eat, and lately I feel and look like shit.

Good call D :) Now I am the one blushing. hehe ...

[Dahila]

You know i am the one who believes in moderation, but there are small changes you can make, Bread bake your own but do use natural yeast : sourdough starter, so easy to make at home. It takes some time to bake it but not hard work just you have to keep an eye on it. You will eat half of portion and feel satisfied.
I still eat some not much, once a week two small thin sasauges, no fillers; it means not flour, no sugar , and in to small ones is only one carbohydrates. Calories is the last thing when you try to quit wheat. Wheat is not sugar but the carbohydrates become sugar so fast and you body sends the insuline (the donkey) so it takes sugar and goes to every cell in our body, It is incredibly fast process , To lose weight you need something which slows it, I use healthy fats for it, into my bullet coffee, Fats or protein is converted into sugar too but much slower and almost all goes into cells to give you energy, The energy is mind blowing. The carbs from wheat products , it is so many of them that only some part goes to cells the rest is stored on our stomach as fat. Insuline is fat storage, not doubts about it, I think it is not what you eat, you do not have diabetes ? The important thing is to eat when you hungry (I am alwasy hungry) in small meals. My bullet proof coffee is my first meal at 6 am then around 12 I have a bowl of homemade soup.after two or three hours I do feel hunger so I eat, yesterday I cooked broccoli with butter it is delicious, Today I will have brussels sprouts and salad and probably two slices of bacon. Olives, Picles; home made pickles. I do not touch grains at all not starczy veggies, One apple a day, Yesterday I checked up again and not it does not higher my bg so it is so good.
It is so good to be able to check it then you have better control. I am kind of losing my appetite, because of that, So far not changes in weight, Need to weight for better weather to start some physical activity

[Ponder]

Thanks for taking the time to write that up and share what works. No doubt that works for a lot of people as I have heard much of what you have said from different sources - discounting the agenda for marketing of course.

Lisa also is a proponent of moderation. Here's the deal for me ... entirely my issue. My compulsive tendencies and when out of sync I really struggle with that one. I would only add on that front that regardless of small portions there are many tolerances/intolerance that my body struggles with over time. Caffeine being on top of that list as impacting on the central nervous system when only having one cup twice a week over 52 weeks of the year. In this case moderation only goes so far. I have experimented with wheat when eating clean ... I too am sensitive to it no matter how little I have when eating regularly so many times a week in small quantities. It's usually by the second month that I start to run into thrush like symptoms because I started introducing a couple of slices of toast per week. Both Lisa and I experimented with all the home made flours and making our own. Same thing happened ... over time.

In this regard, some people are more sensitive than others. I mean not to counter for the sake of augment, but explain this point of view from my own experience and also in tune with other articles I have read. I only digest such text through my own experiences. Which is why when I eat and drink those kind of consumables, knowing full well what is ahead, I am like - "*&%# it!" and go all in. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/christmas/eating-cookies-smiley-emoticon.gif

This being the point in which I should take a page out of your book re moderation. Yet like I say, intolerance is another part of the story that catches many out over time. It is the same when I eat eggs now. Some people subscribe to the news reports and those insightful morning TV shows that preach stuff like two eggs a day making you live till your 100. Two eggs a day and I end up in constipation before the second week. Usually at that end of the first. I'll put that down to physiology.

Don't get me wrong D ... I full agree with what your saying. I'm just personalizing my own issues with food. Nothing more.

I finish off by going from moderation, food intolerance (residual effect / long time use) to addiction. I'm supper sensitive to being triggered from an addiction point of view. This makes the residual effects of foods like caffeine and fast spiking carbs send me into full on binge. Some people that can handle only a little every now and then regardless of long term build up, will never understand how it is that some of us just cant stop or start off all responsible like, but later seen to be having several cups of coffee and bread rolls a day. The addiction trait being a legitimate chemical predisposition that's like doing hard core drugs ... more so the difficulty being similar when wanting to stop or ween oneself off. More over the problem with moderation is having anything at all. In this light, moderation for those with a strong additive gene are best to go cold turkey; of this is how I have come to find things when cleaning up my bad eating habits as I have come to know the pros and cons of foods as relates to me.

At the end of the day I know what works and does not - for me. I really am a hard core addict. It's that simple really. It's why I would love to go small on a lot of things, but in my book a little of everything simply does not work for me. It's a very attractive mind set, but there are way too many triggers. I remember so many time when doing well, I just think ... hmmmm ... one coffee ... I'll be right. Sure enough the residual effect gets me in the end ... where I an then found binge drinking/eating.
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For me ... I must learn embrace the carrot and lettuce leaves. Only then can I truly appreciate what it feels like to not have a bloated gut with a spinning head full of caffeine. What can I say D - I am a head case to be sure. When it comes to food ... this is who I be. I must return to what works for me. Remember how I healed myself before? That's what worked for me. No bread, No coffee, Just whatever mix if fruits and veggies ... with all those other things that kept me above board. No diet, food claims or whatever ... all in all mostly water. I did it so well that I was doing well just walking.

I am off to exercise now ... because I can in an air conditioned environment. That said, once I am not carrying blubber and actually at my prime weight, I can handle the heat a hell of a lot better. Right now I experience way more heat stress than need be because I have once again let myself get too fat. That's about the size of that.

But whatever happens aforethought the experience of trying to find one's feet ... being kind to self is very important. Just don't be too kind ... as is what I did to myself. LOL You'll be right ... just have it twice a week. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/drink/coffee-drinker-smiley-emoticon.gif Sadly this does not work for me.





Some time later when being kind to myself I end up like this ...http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/yellow-face/tired-smiley-emoticon.png


I hope others out there can relate? Perhaps Sal you might understand in regards to your drinking? With me the addiction of like wise happy feelings overwhelm me and I lost control in many things. This is why I struggle with everything. Not to worry ... I have different ways that work for me. It's just that my way is typically backward from most ways others go about doing their thing.

First and foremost when feeling suicidal and in a pit of despair is finding the will ... FINDING THE WILL to even be bothered trying to heal. This is where I am also at Sal. I go work on that now be heading back to the gym. I have more good reasons to go than not. It's easy to come up with not ... but much harder to name the ones that are good.

Instead I just go.

Back later maybe to discuss how I approach this issues where I have been drowning in my bed sheets of late. We discuss that - or I just explain it for whatever it is.

You know the best thing to do is just take whatever steps you can take. Making that a routine that is my own is best for me. Lately I have been taking too much of others and in general too much of the world in ... even from this isolated seat. Only way to block that out is to get up and find something to do.

We need to find something to do Sal .. no matter how small. Little things that make us get up off our asses and things that we enjoy doing. Is hard to find those things in today's world hey? The simpler they are the better I thinks.

After this contact at the gym, I will no longer be taking out any more. I will instead keep it much more simpler and low key.

Adios ... until next post.

[Dahila]

Oh you know that I am also fighting with addictive personality.
You can not deprive your self of everything not at once. I eat what does not spike my blood glucose. that's all. when I think that one of most common of uncontrolled diabetes is losing the sight, It is terrible, Can imagine myself without reading the books? I can not.
Ponder i thiink a lot of that foods we eat are not good due the pesticides and fertilization.
The more you push yourself everytime is a step back. Be kind to yourself there is not enough kindness in the world
I got bad news today and I am in grasp of a fear..............

[Ponder]

Yes that makes sense, I understand.

Srry to hear that D. :(

Edit ... Missed you by 4 minutes in FB ... I did check.

[Dahila]

I had send you a message cause fb did not work for us, I had seen it before, people were writing and I had not seen what they were writing . i had seen your post and was answering to. Must be cookies

[Ponder]

I think all my fault srry D. Somthing about being logged in on more than one device. Not sure. Is OK ... the world is still spinning :) Go to run and put my car in for a change of tyres. Like hospitals, I do not trust those places.

[Ponder]

Went for a brisk walk this morning. Mission accomplished. :)

The latest book I am observing is called . Eating Less, Say Goodbye To Overeating'
Here is an overview (http://eatingless.com/prev/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/eatingless-free-sample.pdf)

I can't eat when I am hungry. - Not until I am in tune and have control of my addiction. The good news it I am slowly getting a hold of my next comeback. My previous mindset with 'No More Comebacks' I now scrunch of and throw in the bin. I sing another tune : )

[Ponder]

https://upliftconnect.com/why-were-a-culture-of-addicts/

Good read, although I extend the dynamics within the context of culture used in that article, beyond the atypical family environment to the 'by-product' which our society is responsible for. More over how our society regiments humans in general as more the primary issue with respect to abuse point blank. How do we accept this culture and learn to live with it? How do we endure it?

[Ponder]

I uninstalled a game I compulsively play today. What triggered it was the toxic atmosphere at the Blizzard Forum and since uninstalling, I feel like my burden has lightened significantly. Both the compulsive playing and the toxic people. I spent a few hours cleaning one particular window. It was a big job because one of the windows needed pulling out, the sills cleaning and the wooden blinds also in need of a good vacuum and wipe. Huge job to do the hole house. There is quite a bit a round the place that needs doing. I'll work on it little by little.

[salvator here]

I've also uninstalled games for the same reason, can always put em back after a little break. Just don't do what I did and uninstall the store app because I had to go through hell to get it back on win 10.

I've been walking every day too. Some days it helps.. but, some days I carry along the negativity on the walk and further beat myself up without any help from people. Still think its good to get out of the house because the walls start to close in. Need to get started on cleaning here as well. Honestly can't keep blaming the holidays, although valentines day is around the corner and it makes me sad.

Hard to avoid toxic people these days. Ever notice people have that look on their face all the time now, makes my trust in people even more difficult. For now, just me is all I can handle.

Anyway, I know I wasn't much help but I care and hope things stop spinning for you and you get settled again. You will :)

PS ~ I also have little trust in hospitals which is partly why I fight it so hard; going inpatient.

[Ponder]

Hell Sal. I say it like it is because sometimes we have to hear it. I read your other thread however was unable to respond. Is OK ... I get that although is hard for me to bite my tongue! :) I'll just say here and now because I think we need to hear it, that the only people that can help us; is ourselves. That said, some people make better guides that others and with respect to those revered 'text books' they are not only limited, but fallible because of the rigidity placed on said text. Just like the would be aspiring and well meaning professionals, the collection of characters that make up the text - imo - should be seen as no more than guides themselves; not religious text. Point and Case is that we are the ones that can only help ourselves. Sadly many paid helpers out there are too invested in all that time and effort they put in with their educating. They are unable to operate outside that box, nor their own limited experience. No matter how well meaning, in such cases it is best to change helpers and make sure to only see them as guide where you are the one who make choices. Don't beleive everything they say. Understand that they do not always know and often make mistakes. The good ones know this to be true for themselves and are not afraid to let you know. They can only do so much - in the end it is up to us.

Changing therapists a lot also showed me just how much I was blinding myself so that despite the facts re would be professionals above, I was more the issues and not my therapist. It's just easy to blame others - especially those that unwittingly prod us. Some people like to be prodded and many therapists use that tact. In my case, I automatically move on from such clinical types ... but still stand by my point where in the early stages of therapy, I am often blinded by my own feelings, bias and so on. Don't get me wrong ... change therapist if you think they are not able to understand or respect you ... how you want to be heard or approached. There are some fairly toxic practices out there that we are better off without. Just be sure why it is your want help, why your going, what it is and how you wish to be helped ... but more over understand that none of these would be professionals have the power to solve another's issues. I does not work like that. They are nothing but guide.

Sadly it does not help that many of these therapists and doctors sell themselves as Miracle Workers and that many of us buy into that crap. (Spiritual teachers also sell themselves like that and followers lap it up [we still have the 60s flower power reliving itself and it always will [yet different culture]) That there is the first problem most people face with Psychotherapy; as in their expectations. They think the therapist and doctor is there to save them. It don't work like that. If you think like that you will remain sick ... which of course is perfect for a perpetual system.
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To be sure it's a little more complex than that ... as sure, we can help each other through lending an ear or in some cases even picking up the slack. In many cases a lot of us will enjoy taking an easy ride and unwittingly allow ourselves to become reliant by way of continually complaining and letting others do all the work where we start to bitch and moan about others when we are seemingly unable to reach or remain stable.
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BLA BAL BLA AND BLA
Disclaimer → I get a lot out of Psychotherapy! I have a good understanding of how it works and why and what I want ... despite my apparent and certified permanent condition which is up for debate in another thread.


Then for those of us that understand all this very well ... we instead beat ourselves up.http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif Try not to do that. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/angry/bang-head-on-wall.gif
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I am glad you checked in. Keep posting man. Sorry if my response seems over the top.


ABOUT THE NEGATIVITY ... I hear ya on that. I have been looking into the spiritual side of things with some interesting results re dark energy / entities. I would do well to write about that. More so how we seek to romance/stories and how in that we externalize and once again in the doing of that ... purposefully avoid seeing what already exist within. Yet more complex stuff as one could say it was implanted or received via environment, regardless of those dark feelings now residing withing ... encapsulating who we thing we really be / who is who within that state of being and yadda yadda and more yadda. Blaming and Shaming - Shaming being our societies number one source of driving and thriving towards a so called successful value systems based on anything but human feeling ... YET ... the battery power of worship does play into it's politics regardless of those who claim not to be sheep. Indeed .. no wonder we are all truly fucked up.

The internet/you tube where once it helped, is now a fucking hard task to make sense of it all. (srry that fact is frustrating me is all) That said ... I aslo hold my own state to be as much a blindfold as I eluded with the therapy ramblings above.

I go for a walk and think more on those states of negativity and why I even bothered taking on the romance of all those youtube stories/experiences. How to decipher??? Within the whimsical, fads, phonies, and sales pitches ... is a lot of truth to be had. I find myself going back to a lot of far out perplexity text. The Irony abounds. I put aside the insanity for a minute and thought It prudent to go check in with a Buddhist Forum (https://www.buddhismwithoutboundaries.com/) - but my forum sign up application was rejected. They instead refereed me to a number of other communities. Although I am now over the knee jerk reaction that comes with such rejection, I still think it's very sad how the way such teachings have been regulated. Everything has been made into a religion.

Not to worry - I get it for the most part. I checked out the referrals and saw mostly sheep. Eastern philosophy as good as it once was ... and still could be ... is just as much a part of the market place as anything else. I don't by into the whole thing eastern countries wanting it to be a secret ... yet I can see how different cultures molest it kind of thing. Is what it is. Just another branch as twisted as sourcing information on the corrupted world wide web. There is still good info out there, yet the need to find it is not necessarily helpful as one might think ... It is said we already have the knowledge within us and that all this BS seeking and thriving is in fact holding us back. That being another tangent.

I go for that walk. :)

[Dahila]

fantastic post, a apropos the dark entity, they or it is attracted to dark energy to the darkness in us
The work is to keep it in balance, which is very difficult to do in our world, To much negativity everywhere all around us, No doubts sensitive people pick it up.
My experience is from time when I was doing readings like everyday. It makes one super sensitive to the energies.
I had customers that even they said anything i knew it, I knew that something happened to other people they caused, Had it so many times..........

[Ponder]

One motivation to get well, is feeling sick of feeling sick. Letting go is more appropriate for my style o healing ... not trying to fight or hold on. Perhaps an avenue for others to think on when continually struggling does not seem to help. That kind of acceptance does not mean giving up, however there is an element of giving in. More so to self rather than anything else. All the voices in our head need not be spawn from wondrous tales of this or that existence ... nor schizophrenia - just different versions of our self. I laugh at the latter as - as crazy at that sounds, it actually makes a lot more sense to me and a hell of a lot less scary. Of course scary sells.

But on the other side the coin ... perhaps it's just a cop out to think in ways that scare us less. Much easier to create one's own religion. Is there anything wrong with that. I guess if it's not hurting or imposing itself on others but what relgion does not? I can see were a little dogmatic thinking helps to navigate this world of addiction, but sadly the thinking and preaching typically involved, tends to consume itself. Science is it's own religion and sadly it's becoming more and more of the negative kind - eastern philosophy no more than a fad for mental masturbation and then there is the well being crowed whose most major PTSD issue relates to not enough money or satisfactory status. This being most of the BS that abounds. I am still a member of Gaia TV - There is much the same BS on it, but every and now and then there is something to be gleaned. I still question whether is is worth it when considering the amount of garbage you have to sift through in order to find something of worth. The latter being more of the 'Well Being Crowed' where money is the sole gauge of ones worth ... ones enlightenment. Less of course your into the alien conspiracies ... that one is less judgmental, less discriminatory and open to all sorts.

So whats that answer ... where to look? Any Ideas?

Start one's own cult?

[Ponder]

Remember ... or did I say anything about the hospital nurse that allegedly sexually assaulted my daughter after she willingly went there to go see them in order to get some help? Lets just say they way they dealt with that, regardless of other women coming forward on social media has just resulted in me having to break into my daughters house and call an ambulance. Keeping context to how the shame in our society is manifested and how that in turn isolates and leads so many of us into self destructive ways ... is a hard task. I wonder if I should even try. Thankfully they took her to another hospital this time.

Yet another thing I have to let go of and focus on that which I can control. Given the nature of the back story ... it was a hard call to make. Is hard to think of her in that place I hate. Best way I can see it, if she also does not like being in those places, she too will have to make changes that only she can make. Hard Core Acceptance - Accepting what is, even though you know it's %$#@ed!

The drama never ends.

[Ponder]

Srr D just reading now ... I missed you post because I was somewhat consumed with the episode I just posted above ... I will make cuppa and read you now. My bad.