Time To Get Back Up Again

[Dahila]

I answered on fb not visiting it so this is why. I am so sorry she has to go through it, Of course my sorries are not needed, they change nothing
I have no idea what to do in your situation. You know we are so upset these days, till we get all test done. My heart breaks every time I look at him. The lack of information does not do good for my anxiety.
I do not know if you remember i had worked in nursing home for 7 years, at the time I had not much English, not enough to convinced authorities, that abuse is a everyday life in there. I tried to tell one of the bosses, but it had not worked, I do believe residents are abused there on daily bases. eh , ethics are on decline in our world

[Ponder]

Hopefully the results will be as downplayed as mine. I still don't know until results after my operation but not much I can do about that. Given the episode as I lightly touched upon in previous post, I kind of care less. All my attention in on the little one right now. I am please to say we are all in a good spot as far as that goes. Although is hard to ponder that issue when considering where that may or may not go.

I hurt my neck once more climbing through the window and straddling a chest of draws when breaking into my daughters house. Thank goodness for your recommendation of the ice pack. I have started using again with good affect. :)

Re the abuse - it goes on outside those facilities as well. In all the most well to do families and organisations in fact. It's even prevalent in private institutions now. Mostly always has.

What to do ... It's just a hard lesson many of us have to bare. yes ... do what we can do to find peace and all that, however suffering is something we just can't escape. Heaps of uncertainty all the way. Right now I just do the best I can do for my grandson. That is all that matters to me. I wish I could do more for me daughter, but did all I could last night. It was a hard call. Now it's out of my hands.

Isolation is a tough one. Sadly the laws that are suppose to provide peace and protect, do more to isolate and separate. (Privy BS) Indeed it was very hard to call upon the same system that I fear myself - lets hope she does not get inappropriately dealt with by a male nurse or any nurse for that matter.

Anyways ... I not focus on that shit too much. Lets see how the system conduct itself when they land on my door with their questions, implications and directions. Still a long road to travel. It will be in this case for the next 15 years to say the least. Perhaps when I am 65 it might get better. lol D - I guess you nearing the answer to that one ... is OK you can tell me as much as you want. I know it really never ends. All good ... I deal with it today like the next and so on.

Yesterday I ate NO Processed foods or sugar. I see if I can do that again for today.

All the best re the results ... day at a time ... day at a time D. :)

[Dahila]

thanks D. Today I was on the phone for like 3 hours, at least 1.5 with my brother, he is out of hospital and his kidneys started to work a bit, .
that's feels so much better not to be scared for his life, My older brother is better with his DVT so all good news, I talked a long time with wifey of younger brother, I love her so much. She is so spiritual, and such good soul, she always makes me feel much better, She is the one who always believes in me, It helps a lot.
I hope you going to get better, however a lot of shit coming your way from the system. You know that, try to desensitize yourself, yeah ice compress helps with so much, even arthritic pain goes away with it, it takes the inflammation down I will keep you posted with the situation in home, I keep my fingers crossed that this will resolve in a good way, yours and mine

[Ponder]

That all sounds very encouraging regardless of the road ahead. Your post is very much appreciated. It seems to indicate just how important connection is. I am pleased you have a friend with such a deep connection and that she leaves you feeling so much better. Glad your brothers are doing well enough.

I wish to talk about Isolation because I know my daughter is suffering quite a bit with this. I also remember it quite well and still suffer myself to some degree, however learning things are not always as they seem.

Isolation is not so straight forward as it would seem as some people can connect easily with themselves and their surroundings without the need to constantly be in the presence of others; in a way that so many of us cannot. This to me presents in a different context to the pressures that main stream mental health services place on psycho-socialization and reintegration. Whilst from my experience there is great benefit to be had in that, it's not quite that same kettle of fish and just as prone to make people regress due to the agenda and frame work associated to those services.

I find healthy connections is more about finding the right dose and that being flexible with changing circumstances of the individual. This point being something that goes astray when encouraging and influencing people to socialize in large groups. The type of connections being made just as important as finding the right dose. Too much too fast leads to toxic connections, so too, when we give in to fear and then also when our ego gets in the way. This for me has made it hard to try and reach out when wishing to easy my daughters pain. Given all this, I now find myself also in a lot of pain.

The system as previously mentioned does more to separate and isolate families with it's privacy laws and the ever present power play with all public servants involved. Even if we had money to go private we are still plagued with the fact that nothing can be done when one is not willing to help themselves. The ongoing constant threats and taunts testify to that fact. Whilst no longer having the energy to sustain such antics my wife and I are coming to a spot where despite not liking how many service throw around the term 'enable,' we only now call upon upon said services with no hope for resolve, other than for us register our concerns. From there as once again stated, vital connection is clinically controlled and isolated. This is how many families are clinically separated. To a lessor degree but just as toxic, this is how a community of people are treated as a whole when frequenting medical establishments. How can people be expected to foster connections when the way in which they are treated is anything but human? Do you get my drift? Drift being quite an apt word as is my point with a world wide crisis in how today's families and people are drifting further and further apart. A reality kept at bay by all those glossy and deceptive marketing images. (typically those do more to keep us feeling sick) Alas it need not be like this - I put more time into thinking on that next time around. Still acknowledging this end.

[Dahila]

I agree with every world you posted, every word

[Ponder]

HI D Thanks for the up vote. :) Guess what ... happy birthday to me ... happy birthday to me. Today is the day I turn 50 on the 'Old Speedometer.' Now it's official.


https://i.ibb.co/Jx92kfd/long-way.gif Something I know you can appreciate. No matter how much I try to gain on you D, you always seem to be steadily out in front. LOL ... just kidding. :)

[salvator here]

Happy Birthday Ponder :)

I really enjoyed your posting about isolation. Thank you for that !!

[Dahila]

Happy Birthday D. have an easy day, :) Best wishes
you are very young D. :)

[Ponder]

Thanks guys ... had a reasonable day. Very tired though with all the drama and extra duties but we are more than functional and doing OK. My support person comes today so I will get a boost. The little one will return and mum is doing OK. First we take him to doctor because like you D - he seems to struggle with allergies. It needs to be checked because we really don't want to keep giving him antihistamines all the time. Diet is very hard with autism. VERY ... but I have a few tricks that get in the much needed vit & mins. in that respect I always make sure he visits if even just for pop to slip in some of the good stuff. :) But like I say ... all is well enough on that front.

I also got in some therapy yesterday with my support coordinator attending as requested. I sat there with her and the long standing psychologist. I am much better understood and it makes it easier to be more flexible regarding the governments frame work and agendas. These inner workings my therapist assists me to create records (in advance) and keep them on hand to make the job easier for those service providers willing to work with us. Once you can start dealing with all the pain, bitterness and tantrums ... it's easier to make a case then sit back and start focusing on stability (a much preferred word over recovery)

Srry to go on ... hmmm what else

I scored some PC games for my Birthday http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/dancing/super-happy-dance-smiley-emoticon.gif (although this time have not much to play them - I need to make time but be more conservative in the doing)
For my birthday my eldest daughter who has less on her plate purchased me a game on my wish list. YAY : )

Damn I goto run ... I name the games a little on.

Be well guys

[Ponder]

Huge Day ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Eating Clean Day 4 almost done. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz Spent 4 hours + cleaning. It was a full on run. More to go. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Little one is back home where he belongs. :)

Hope you guys are doing well enough?

[Dahila]

I just came back from doc office, got toes infected based on allergies . hell it is frigging itchy and so itchy it hurts , Another bullet to bite for me

[Ponder]

Hi D ... another exhausting day for me. I do hope the itching is a little better?

No energy for a write up today ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz all in good time. :)

[Dahila]

the itching will kill me D. the worst I am on market tomorrow and 10 hours in socks and shoes, That is not good for it. Antibiotic obviously is working and maybe the steroid cream too. eh

[Ponder]

Not saying I have had the same thing, however I have suffered my fair share of fungal infections, skin rashes and painful peeling all over both feet; and other parts of the body. Usually one body part more than the other. I feel for you in this respect what ever label is attached to the condition.

I'm into Day 6 of eating clean. Just got back from an hour long walk. I've even lost a little weight. During this time life has been extreme. Given this fact I am quite pleased with myself however not so much that I am going to float away on a cloud of froth and bubble. Just as well. It's typically a long way down when getting carried away like that.
__________________________________________________ ________________

I found the below vid an interesting listen despite the theatrics of this fellow being associated with Gaia TV. (Always a fishing project in the well being industry) It at least made for a decent podcast whilst out walking. Maybe others here might find something relevant in it for where they be?

No annoying heart string draining music that overpowers the talk - just plain dialogue the way I like it. Of course a Villon at the end.

Thoughts Feelings & Emotions (I think this presentation be a small collection of his many insights?)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDlLIXqgKA0

[Ponder]

DAY 7 ... and holding course suprising well ... all things considered.

[Dahila]

Bravo!!!..................no energy to say more, Markets excellent

[Ponder]

ZZZZZZZZZZZZ- Same. Glad to here the markets 'paid' off. I hope literally so. :) LOL at how we use this place like FB now. hehe

[Dahila]

Thanks the f****n itching wakes me up in the middle of the night, I am not suppose to use the steroid cream more than twice in 24 hours but the itch is unbearable. Now I understand better my childhood and constant itch , it looks like I did not make mountain of hill . It seems to help in middle of day when I wash my feet using a lot of soap, maybe high ph helps with itching. I wonder if it has a fungus profile which loves sugar , I mean higher blood glucose. eh it is driving me crazy ,

[Ponder]

That sounds really hard core D. You concerns regarding the sugar remind me as someone that suffers with skin issues himself how much better I am doing since laying of all forms of sugar. (Including Baked foods with any form of wheat) Wheat in general since no longer being into that I am amazed at how much better my skin irritations are. Simple Carbs also included into that as being a fast manufacture of blood sugar. It's made a huge difference with all my skin irritations, rashes and so on since coming of all that. Moisture in the air and temps are all things to factor in as well I guess - BUT - For sure diet can sure be a major influence for both the bad and the good.

Got to run D - Good hearing from you again catch up soon enough. :)

SAL???? How ya doing ??? Hope all is well enough? No need to be thriving or be successful here in this space. The glass one quarter full is more than enough. lol. Hope this find you also as well as can be.

Take care guys.
~Dave.

[Ponder]

D - What about that oat milk recipe to sooth it? I suppose it's then moist which is not good?

I link this however understand if your not up for gelling with it:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzhFPZIqqm4


Here, I write up a story including the above link - It actually had a healing affect on my grandson today.
____________________________

A Four Year Old Autistic Kid Who Found Healing Through Music And Imagery.

I head out the door to start the day as a client with my own disability support worker, leaving my grandson who had just arrived for a visit with his Nana. The poor kid was not long worn down from a recent upheaval and break in routine, starting long days in kindy and overnight access with his Father. It was no surprise to me when the little fella turned up still sick from the previous night where he was then suffering a bad cough and harsh symptoms of allergic recreations. It was hard to see him having trouble to breath. Thankfully although still quite sick, he seemed to be doing a little better this next morning. Before I headed out the door I noticed my wife was still playing Youtube up on the big TV screen. She was playing a spiritual relaxation video from the recommendations list. In fact I had been enjoying that music prior to leaving. My wife repeatedly commented on how tired it made her feel. I explained once you listen to it enough, it's more calming than anything else - as in ... you get used to it.

Anyways long story short, 3 hours later once I had finished my session with support person, I come back home to find Youtube still playing. It was playing ambiance entitled something like 'Reiki Healing Music'. My wife informs me that the little one tells her without any promoting, how much he likes said music. He was also wowing over the images. The bright colors and rainbow people. Something I noticed not long after I had returned, was how much quieter his autisticly loud high pitch voice had reduced. Not only was he speaking softer but his voice was deeper. His pitch was not dramatically lower, but enough to sound like a completely different boy. He sounded more like a nurotypical kid for a child of his age; more so calmer. Apparently he was even playing by himself wish is something her rarely does in our house. I smile to think just how much more my wife will be playing this kind of music therapy which seemed to work so well on all of us.

By the time he was going home, the color had all but returned to his cheeks, his eyes looked less plagued and he was breathing my more deeply. His mum had him on the phone later this evening as he had awoken from his sleep to remember the magnetic art piece he had constructed previously on our fridge. "Please Nana do not wreck my dinosaur and tell pop also not to mess it up. Also could you please keep the wolf away from eating him" Yadda yadda and goodnight.

I suspect that he will make a full recovery by morning.

That's the story of a four year old autistic kid who found healing through music and imagery.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Goodnight ... as is time for this autistic pop to go and veg.

[Dahila]

my home remedies fail in this situation, I have no idea what it is, it moves up to my calf so I am terrified, Wakes me up at night, Can not put socks need to keep cool. eh

[Ponder]

Yes and is concerning if your using the steroid creams more than prescribed and still not working. The way you describe your inability to keep warm whilst itching like crazzy reminds my of when I was living back in Toogom (remember all the photos I took of the ocean and out going tides) I was then struggling with either scabies or massive reaction to the local 'miges' which is a tiny form of mosquito. You where recommending all kinds of remedies and whilst some helped, I remember being in a stage where nothing worked. It was all over my body by that stage. I had to lay back in a recliner with some kind of powder all over me. I think it was called 'Diatomaceous Earth' I would have a shower and then cover myself in the stuff. I even showered with the stuff.

Anyways ... even after using pills they give to horses for parasites - I think in the end it was more about a skin reaction to the midges. It was middle of winter and I found the only was I could sleep was in a recline with barley any covers on me. I was cold BUT any form of heat just made the whole rash worse; unbearable.

So it is I understand well (although most likely different allergy)the symptoms sound similar given the inability to cover oneself.

We just can having similarities D. Hopefully you too will in time come out the other side appreciating the pain and suffering of lessor things. :)
_______________________________

This morning I go for my operation:
They have me first one of the conveyor belt. I think I mentioned before. The anesthetist rang me last night. He sounds like a nice bloke. He is going to put me to sleep even though he mostly does not for others getting the same operation. He understands the extent of my anxiety and also how I find the hospitals even more triggering. Man I wish I could afford to go private all the time. The way in which they are dealing with me is way more human that then public system. It's such a shame that it all comes down to money with such things. Oh well. THX MUM & DAD!!! :)

The funny thing is D - I am finding more and more lumps with each passing year. I beleive many are just part and parcel of growing old and given the age we are living in, one is lucky if they don't end up like a 3 eyed fish.https://i.ibb.co/ZxYFhQp/fish.png

LOL - I think I make an avatar for now. That kind of defines me well enough of late.

Hmmmm ... Not sure what to do. I am not allowed to eat as of last night ... nor drink. The sun is still only just rising so I might go for a walk. Only thing there is I am also not allowed to drink anything either. BUT - the walk will help my nerves. Yea I go for a long walk.

Catch up soon.

Wishing you well D ... Get well soon!

[Dahila]

it is based on allergy in my situation , scabies do look different actually if you look at your skin with the blue lamp you will see the corridors they make in skin, Awful disease, I had this once in hospital, yes I got it in Army hospital. I was there with pneumonia, shoot and ended up on dermatology ward.
I kind of belevie it is Dyshidrosis , Dyshidrotic Eczema, but so far it is not so much of it, it moved on the top of my hands, I am at loss. it is kind of confusing.
oh i hope you survive the hospital, it is major stress for me, drinking water is allowed cause it will be gone in like an hour. you are going through anesthetic and they worry about vomiting but not with water, that's absolutely crazy. I do understand food but water???? Good Luck Dave :)

[Ponder]

I got it wrong. I could of had water, but you know me. Oh well. Huge day. I let you know more tommorow when I wake up. I respond with your reply in mind then. Zzzzzzzzzzz

One of the nurses was patronizing...but you know that's to be expected I guess? I ignored her, but it frustrated and saddened me at the same time. I try to let it go now.

[Dahila]

yeah they behave like we are animals not people, the tone, the god like tone is pissing me off each time. I just put down one of them showing what I know about diabetes, She asked me twice Are you a nurse? I said twice no , I do not know how to search the knowledge , They think they are the only ones with access to information
Any way they recommend eating margarine and Canola oil, they lost me there right away, hell our health care is awful

[Ponder]

Yea - I let it go D. I actually did a good job letting go for the most part as events transpired. Anxiety and Hospitals just don't go together. You know the waiting room where you sit prepped with your gown on before they lay you down on the trolley beds? - ... well I was just getting into a train of thought that had no thoughts when all of a sudden a nurse burst through the plastic double flap doors talking at a high volume. Given the contrast between prep waiting area and those double flap doors - well ... that about sums up the extend of mindfulness and toxicity that goes into those places. Those trolley beds are really no different than factory conveyor belts and so to the mannerisms of the people entrusted to take care of the sick. Hence this being the reason I remain silent for the better part trying to focus only on registers as humane and genuine intent. Speaking of which, there were some staff in among all that, that were in fact respectful of who I simply be ... as is written in the documentation. Those staff members seem to be more mindful and 'less' patronizing ... all things considered.

It pays to also acknowledge the good when it presents itself.

My Son in here ... so I best get off this thing. He is visiting with his wife from Brisbane. I put of my supports today (although did my walk with a paid friend) ... I open up more about this as is still all new to me D. I do hope this finds you feeling a little better. I know you are busy and not always able to respond; so TY for the times you have thus far made.

Later.

SAL - hope your still reading and that your OK???

[Dahila]

Oh Ponder, I hope you are ok, I do not feel better, worse, the itching on my feet and hands does wake me up in middle of the night, So i get up put steroid on my skin and go to bed keeping my feet and hands uncovered . I keep 17 degree at night, pretty cool. It takes around half an hour of burning itching to improve, Tomorrow I will get to the doc again, obviously the meds do not work , the infection is maybe slightly better but tomorrow my antibiotic ends, Why the heck he gives me it for a 7 days when 10 days is a minimum for bacterial infection. , I am going to explain it to him, Will take the pill before appointment to act in polite and respectful manner
With the constant itch it is not easy, eh the stress does not help me at all

[salvator here]

I hope you will be alright with everything in the hospital - wishing you well. I hope you're also managing with everything Dahila. I'll fill you both in another time when you get back and settled with everything from the hospital and I know you're doing ok. I'm managing and taking things day-by-day.

It means a lot to know you're thinking about me.

[Dahila]

I am going to doc tomorrow and feel very anxious about it, I bet he will want me to take prednisone which higher and make havoc with diabetes and blood pressure, We will see I keep my fingers crossed for us there you Sal , ponder and i

[Ponder]

Hi Sal ... glad you popped in. Also wishing you well D. I am feeling very low and think I will just ride that out and spare you guys the long winded sighing. :) ... Is all good. Just need more rest I thinks.

Good luck D!

Edit ... wish us well ... we have a warning of approaching cyclone which could present to be an issue of the next few days. Although I will care less until my clothes line starts to fly. Is funny watching how many people buy up the shop shelves and then nothing happens. You just don't know when to take them seriously these days with all the hype they make and selling of fear.

[Dahila]

Be safe and rest Ponder. I have doc appointment at 1:20 today not bad
After dock app; he took the smear to send to lab, got more anitibiotic and Prednisone , which scares me, but my allergie is not improving rather the opposite, I got new cream much stronger and 15 min after putting it on , the itching is just tiny almost gone.
Prednisone once saved my life so maybe it will help now too, It is dangerous cause it causes high blood pressure and high blood glucose, It is only for 5 days , I keep my fingers crossed that it helps

[Ponder]

I hope your feeling better D - ? I'm still kicking :) ...

[salvator here]

Good to know and hope you both are managing with everything. Me.. just depersonalizing badly lately and things don't make much sense I guess. Just getting up every day to a mystery or unknown. Some days it improves, other not so much. But still kicking as well best as can be, trying to envision a light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care :)

[Ponder]

I keep remembering how you once said ... or something to the effect - how you can see so many people being depressed and unhappy. Forgive me if I read that wrong.

I just wanted to say it's not hard to see. Also adding to that ... that does not mean we are more messed up or something wrong with us when we can see many people so clearly distressed. I guess what I am saying is that I see it too Sal. It's hard to digest but it's true. Just because we too, are struggling does not make that observation any less valid. Have you even noticed when trying to reveal such observations how others are quick to say it's more our own issue? As in when we observe such things and attempt to share it with others close to us? Typically many will respond with "I don't see it like that?" ... and they probably don't. This is not to imply that they are wrong or defective. Just saying is all.

I am trying to understand how people are suffering from their points of view. I caught a bus for the first time in decades the other day and MAN - I mean like WOE - the fucking noise was insane man! I laugh insanely now as I think about how fucking ridiculously loud the diesel engine was. I will write the story in a minute ... but I really think that not only is the world shrinking but many its really fucking loud!!! I don't blame people for feeling overwhelmed.

[Ponder]

OK - I make this my Goodnight Post. :)

My Panic Attack On The Bus.
So it's another day with my support worker. In need one these days because I am becoming more dysfunctional as the world grows smaller. So any ways ... one of my goals is to catch a bus. I have a car, but my wife is always using it to do everything for my daughter and grandson. I'm standing at the bus stop with no idea how the timetable works or what the process is for paying - but I am keen enough having the support of my paid friend. Here comes the bus.

I throw my hand out to wave it down like I used to 20+ years ago. Not sure if your suppose to do that when clearly standing at a bus stop. The bus pulls up short of where I was standing. No Probs. We walk up to it and board the Bus. After sitting down and the bus takes off, I slowly count my change. I had used a 10 dollar note and you know how it's all rush rush. Turns out the bus driver short changed me and if that was not enough to piss me off, once he started accelerating I was like thinking "HOLLY FUCK!!! - were buses this loud back in the day when I used to catch them? Seriously, I just got short changed by the driver (my support worker was charged less although going to the same destination) and then whilst still dealing with the fucking loud noise of the engine, I picked up on a fucking intrusive radio station that was barely distinguishable through the roar of the engine. You know how I hate fucking TVs always being projected onto the public in every waiting room. It was really too much for me ... all in one go.

I'm like having to raise my voice just to talk to my paid friend ... I'm like this is too much. Just got short change, the engine noise and that fucking static that makes no sense ... I says to my support person - Sorry but I am getting off as soon as the bus stops! I can't fucking deal with this. Before getting off the bus I confront the driver, get my proper change and tell him this stop is good enough. Thank you and goodbye!

Once off the bus my fucking ears were ringing and I'm quite flustered and taken back as just how incapacitated I became in such a short time on that bus. I later researched and found out that in Australia the axle height for town buses is to low to install sound dampening as is commonly used in other countries. It makes sense now when I see most kids traveling to school on larger buses (coaches) because there is no fucking way I would send my kids on a low axle bus and expose them to long periods of excessive noise constantly day in and day out going to and from school.

My point is ... despite my own sensitivities ... the world is too fucking loud. It's just expected that we all put up with it ... and sad thing is many people are dead to it ... they become used to living like so despite the negative effects that slowly accumulate.

ANYWAYS - I get back home and after my support work is gone, my wife Lisa comes up with the idea of purchasing Active Noise Cancellation Ear buds. So I research it to discover that many people today are actually using large headphones to cancel out the FUCKING LOUD NOISE of the city. I LOL because I am suffering living in the Subs ... let alone thinking of living back is a city. Anyways ... it seems like not a bad idea. Apparently many people with sensory issues are using them these days. Just took me this latest episode to find out about it is all. I decided to go with the best ear phone / bud ANC Active Noise Cancellations Buds I could find. I am also getting a set of ear buds that muffle sound even more.
________________________________

The two sets do different things. The ANC buds allow me to play music softly whilst lowering loud noises yet allow me to also hear people of they approach and talk to me (this I am yet to test) - The ear plugs are for when I just want to shut the world out completely so that it sounds more like white noise. I am hoping to get by more with the ACN buds because they will require less jamming in.

here is a YouTube video that explains the use of the ACN Buds quite well:

Bose Quiet Comfort 20


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F06OvQjZrlY

Perhaps boring for those not interested, but what sold it for me is I also have been skeptical about ACN (not having really tried it) but I really need to tackle this issue of living in such a loud world. I already have hearing issues but the hearing aids I have only make things worse. They do the opposite of noise canceling and only to make the loud shit sound even louder. Busy shopping malls are just plain toxic to me. Most public places in fact. Once again ... most people just don't understand how residual the effect is over time.

Problems may include crackling over time, however i found a solution that is simply a user maintenance chore. Others say there is a slight hiss when ACN mode in on but not listening to music ... if so It wont take long for me to pick up on that. How I respond to it ... Hmmmm ... small price to pay ... I might even find a solution to fix it or I'll just play some white noise agreeable to me. Fact is with ACN I will no longer have to turn my vibes all the way up to to hear them. I will be able to listen to things in peace.

I don't know ... they are not cheap ... but the scheme I am on are willing to pay for them. at this stage I figure I am ready to try anything.

That's my story for the night. Going to gym tomoroow although starting form scratch and looking forward to when my gym membership is over. lol It will be the last contract I make for quite some time.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[salvator here]

I keep remembering how you once said ... or something to the effect - how you can see so many people being depressed and unhappy. Forgive me if I read that wrong.

I just wanted to say it's not hard to see. Also adding to that ... that does not mean we are more messed up or something wrong with us when we can see many people so clearly distressed. I guess what I am saying is that I see it too Sal. Well at least I can say its helpful to my own psyche to notice that about other people I come across so as to not blame myself (an automatic reaction for me). Not so distant past I would internalize everything and wonder what I did to cause/deserve peoples reactions, even without due cause most of the time I would take on others moods/feelings as a personal flaw of my own. Now, however , (and I'm not sure its better) I read people and become more negative and develop bitter view(s) towards people in general now. I think, mostly, the people I run across are likely toxic people, and I must have little contact with them to protect myself even if that means becoming almost totally a loner and reclusive (which I am currently).

Hope that made sense, I don't feel I put that right really. Maybe my brain is foggy now.

[Ponder]

It's been said we are creatures of habit. Sounds about right to me. I mean regarding that automatic reaction you admit to. Kudos for the acknowledgement. It sounds hopeful as you shift from internalizing to becoming more reflective when considering others peoples demeanor. Even if after reflecting you still wind up bitter towards others. I totally struggle with the same thing myself. I'm betting it's a common fault in the majority of the unhappy population. It's that pattern of long term depressive responses and thought processes that are hard to break. Your breakdown and conclusion of recluse speaks volumes on how isolation plagues our current culture.

What to do? How to break the cycle of despair?

Recently there was a post on confidence in the forum via a presentation linked to YouTube. Minus the extroverted life coaching motivational woo woo context, I think there is merit to building confidence in order that we may not attract negative responses from others. I think the key to the latter is more about how we respond to the environment in terms of projection and reflection. Forgive me Sal as now I am using woo woo words. I've been thinking about this ever since you mentioned it some weeks ago. True. Whilst out walking, I'm like in my head thinking ... "Sal hit the nail on the head with how I am seeing people as well - I too am struggling with seeing just how sad, frustrated and disjointed people all over the place look ..."

I did ponder about how I might be attracting it due to my own deep bouts of depression and dissatisfaction ... having to endure the world - This context I mention now being more about the psychological concepts that abound with projection and reflection. BUT - whilst I understand all too well how negativity attracts negativity, when one is even able to detach from thoughts, feelings and emotion whilst observing, that even in such a detached state, so powerful is the realization of just how depressed and out of sync people really are in this world - it's just so damn hard not to get drawn back into all those states of thinking, feeling and emotional responses ... tick tick tick and so on.

But at least we can take solace that when in that observational state, it is not our persona that is attracting such reality ... it's just the world in which we live. So to it is with having to watch my grandson, all my other loved ones and friends struggle with much the same thing.

If your still able to follow me on this (it matters not if I am not fully understood - but if your getting my tone ... that's good enough) - I shared a key to breaking free of the whole negative and positive spin cycle in a presentation done by Gregg Braden. 'How to Stop Negative Thoughts and Feelings (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDlLIXqgKA0&t=1s)' I'm still processing and learning myself. His take on the whole cycle of suffering is that our experiences are not negative or positive until we start judging it and placing some importance on it. It's so rad to think about that when you consider just how opinionated we are. I will do that now by saying despite the opening claims of that presentation stating that it's always been this way for thousands of years, that when you factor in today's information technology and 24/7 global social media conceptions that thrive on judging ... well ... need I say more to the state of people today. Ding Ding.

Alas ... the message in that video still applies all the same. So it is that I aim to build confidence but in a different way that's commonly sold. I much prefer the spiritualist approach. That said - it's just as much marketed as possy wossy motivational sales. Just got to read between the lines and work with what jives at the time. I have no qualms about my cycles ... just wishing to work on leveling them out a little is all.

Sorry I went off track man. I just think the message in that Gregg Braden talk has something in it for everyone. Especially for those of us struggling outside. I see good in technology as well in as much as we can reach out like so. Is all in the observation and given that you have enough spirit to at least reach out means that this method of communicating enables something good in me on this side of the planet. I just regret that I have not been writing as much of late.

I guess my commiseration was too much for me to handle and I needed a break. I'm looking to inspire myself again ... it's been tough of late but I am slowly making gains. I think I am back at the gym as gone a couple of times in a row and whilst I am aiming not to sign up again ... I do wish to make the most of the time left in order to regain that side of my health. I am looking forward to the weather cooling down soon. Just thinking about that gives me a boost.

Thanks for the chat Sal. You can reply if you like, but I understand if you only have enough juice just to read. I am glad there are still a few of us still here on the forum.

Think I will tune out with some online ambiance.

Peace out.

[Ponder]

5 :13am laying in bed summing up the effort to get out of bed, and go to the gym. I'm pretty sure its Sunday so it should be fairly quiet.

Had a despairing dream that left me feeling extremely isolated whilst yet searching for compassionship. It's was like seeing others striving for the same thing but not interested in hooking up.with likewise people. In the end I was walking in circles unable to find my car. Others around me had no problem loading into thier with thier families. After enough pining I woke up to consider just how far my wife and I have drifted apart. Driven like so as we each struggle to cope with what's been and what is. Generally outside pressures that's slowly over time worn us down. Illness results and then one's resolve slowly goes. Given my dream, I would do well to ponder on what direction I should take.

Righto ... for now I know I must get up and tackle me weight problem. I'm off to the gym.

[Dahila]

I am lost, nothing goes ok, too much stress, I losing hope

[Ponder]

That sucks D. Something will give soon enough. Dare I ask how's the itching today? Maybe some solace in that?

[Ponder]

What's going on D. Sometimes it helps to talk about it. You don't have to get into specifics. You know my story pretty much never changes yet you still seem to stand by me. Let us do the same with you. What BS is happening on your side of the rock? Is it the damn itching still?

__________________________________

[Dahila]

Itching, diseases, people , people pissed me off yesterday, One asshole came taking my time asking trying everything, and then I see she is trying to get info from me how to do it, what to do it , about the process, finally I ended the conversation sending her to see the labels, and read it, Oh she pissed me off. Why the hell people think somebody is going to give them info which took years to acquire?

[Ponder]

I take it your not ready for a Tony Robinson Speech on 'How To Improve Your Life.' http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif

Because they are either smart asses or just plain stupid.

[salvator here]

Sorry to read you're struggling now Dahila, hope you can catch a break sooner than later.

Thanks Ponder, I did read your reply, I think I'm doing the right thing, instinct hopefully is right here. I don't like how bad my social phobia has gotten, maybe someday it will change, I doubt it though, Many circumstances would have to be different and without that changing, this is my life. I refuse to change for other people anymore or to fit in. Not that its so bad this way, its more I've not accepted things about myself that keep me in this state of back and forth. Life was MUCH different back 11 years ago when everything unceremoniously fell apart.

Sorry for that ramble, feeling incoherent lately.

Thinking of you both.

[Ponder]

Not at all Sal. Well said from where I am sitting. ;)

[Dahila]

Sal the first responsibility of yours is to take care of yourself, Be selfish you are the most important figure in your life, accept who you are, Easy to say tough to do, Is it the case?
What others think of you it is their choice, What you think of you is your choice,
BTW Ponder and I , we love you and accept you the way you are.
We will support you emotionally :) we do

[Ponder]

EDITED FOR EASIER READING AND MORE POIGNANT: (Disclaimer - grammar still sux but worth the read. I promise)

This new program I am on Sal ... faces me with double binds. (What's new in life?) This program (NDIS) from the Government's point of view is sold of to the public as one that 'Integrates' the disabled into society', yet I am told in private it is all about 'Choice and Control.' The initial sales pitch would seem to indicate that participants on the program must meet some kind of standard with 'Fitting In' which raises all kinds of conflicts for me yet provides opinionated hard liners looking on with a sense of satisfaction in knowing those receiving such benefits are being 'forced to meet outcomes.'

Only those who have been repeatedly on the losing end of society will understand the debilitating impact of the latter part of above paragraph. I write this now in the context of my own battle with Social Phobia combined with our current culture selling off the need to conform. Whilst our paths may be different I think there are many similarities. I love using adverts to highlight how it is that we are constantly made to feel small, whilst at that same time presenting us with their only option to be 'More.' The appeal of whatever option (designed with obsolescence in mind) matters less than the fact that they have just left us in 'need' of wanting more. This 'induced desire' often refereed to as 'fire' by eastern philosophies is alluded to more in a negative light compared to say the thirst for living. Instead of waking up in the morning appreciative for the fresh air we breathe and for our bodies, we instantly give thought to those things we are led to beleive make us 'More.' More often than not, as a result of our self destructive ways, instead of breathing of fresh air, we instead struggle to breath and instead of being thankful for our bodies - we are now reliant on health care professionals for all our so called 'Needs.'

I'm not sure I am making a point to those caught up in the illusion of thriving and striving. Yet another market along side pharmaceuticals; The 'Well Being Crowed.' Life coaching being spawn from the latter with elements of transformation spiritual awakenings whilst romantic and appealing can in the case for those genuinely struggling with long term clinical mental health conditions send them over the edge. Depersonalization being a very common term now used and in more extreme cases like my deceased brother, and others friends → Culturally Induced Schizophrenia and or a number of other fancy borderline paranoia terms. Let's not forget to add all those conspiracy theories in as well. Not to say those concepts are all Cons. : ) -

What's this got to do with Social Phobia? I think more in terms of Derealization, Isolation, Disconnection, where taking the first term used to label people which does more to exempt society by blaming the individual (although sickness results and what I term as byproduct - YET the disability in need of addressing), and where the following terms are no more the symptoms of client - more resulted from perceived provider analysis. That is to say resulting stigma more damaging than previous experiences. We also take it on ourselves as no more than creatures of habit as has been perpetually conditioned into us.
__________________________________________________ _______

The hardest part in all this with my own musings / ponderings is breaking free from my own mental masturbation / analysis. The more I desire to know and the more I give into to said sales techniques, the more I go insane! As explained above. Those not awake - typically having given in to the 24/7 preconditioning mask their symptoms with all kinds of blissful consumer products. LOL - Tis a cycle we all go through. I laugh because I am just as much a part of it and not meaning to preach as if I am a disciple of Raw Food, Yoga, Tony Robins and all that otherwise healthy shit. lol ... I use the latter term like you used selfish D. :)

I JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT THE IRONY OF IT ALL. My plan on NDIS / The Current Mental Health Program 'as I deem it' ... has fuck all to do with so called integration. If it really is about choice and control, my progression to societies expectation is far removed from those hard liners looking on. My reintegration is about as social as me sitting under a tree feeling free with bugger all people in sight! Were I can finally be content with 3 parts fresh air to 1,000,000 parts smog. The ability to sense what's left in this toxic world and use it to find a healthy desire for simplistic living is all I want. Nothing pisses off hard liners and bitter people more than seeing people content to live off Nothing! Not that I aim to live like so solely to pissing others off. However it can be a motivator in some sick and twisted way. lol More to the point, this dissatisfaction and drive to make those less suffer more only adds to the problem, however how we react is truly where it is at.

D summed that up well. It's just for someone as sensitive and fucked up as me, I require giving things much more thought. I am still making sense of the program I am on as in one way I am dancing to the tune of others, and in other ways I have opportunities to live the simple life i want. The insanity is more to do within my ramble above and in many ways I see it similar of others. Just as people with the same labels suffer in different ways, I see us all predispositioned to life in many of the same ways. This being the essence of systemic issues and societies residual pain. Again in this I see us as all similar ... the rich, the poor and those wanabes in between. Not that any of us want to be seen. :)

I do know when I am not as sick or prone to the fire of desire, that I can find the good among all the shit. It's a fine art to be sure. Takes a desire that can't be manufactured or dare I say manifested! Such terms are as consumerist and as toxic as Fukushima!

[Ponder]

Both daughters now living back at home + grandson moved in as well. Mum needs support as she starts a new course of medication to give her an assist. Like me she is resistant to the idea of pharmaceuticals and very sensitive to side affects., however in this case I am urging her to take the lessor of forms of suffering. At least this way when speaking in the future regarding meds, she like me can then speak from personal experience as it relates for her own perspective. Until then, the health care providers will not respect her wishes and even then, it's a tough job remaining medication free it you don't take the time to acknowledge one's own limitations and work on other fronts.

I just spent half the day revamping my room to accommodate both her and her son. It's going to be tough ... as think of the Simpsons ... but 'more' dysfunctional. Narrrr - My wife and I are keen for her to give the meds a chance to work. It's crazy how some single parents are prescribed heavy drugs then sent home without support. My daughter did have to option for admission in a ward but was required to wait a couple of days at the base hospital which she decided she could not endure. I don't blame her. It has worked out good as I have been trying to offer her space here with us just for the purpose of helping her go through the initial sickness period when first trying out this or that med. This way we can look after the little one and keep encouraging her along the way. The isolation at her house is also pretty rough. It's not just about being alone, but no doubt how she suffers in silence with the clinical nature of her current state which up till not has not been addressed in any formal way.

I have tried often to support her from the approach of med free, however doing so is clearly not working for her at this stage. I hope she is able to give the meds a try as either way ... like for me, she will be better informed and have more options in the future when it comes to being fed up with being unstable.

For me ... well ... I am luck I got support and that we are able to help. It bares in mind though that I must keep myself in check ... do things to help myself.

All in all ... things seems to be looking up. I think its going to take at least a week maybe two before she starts not to feel all giddy and sick. She is taking abilify with some other antidepressant which I am not going to google the shit out of. I know the former as have had friends and met acquaintances on it. It's pointless to read into the experiences of others which is why I am trying to support my daughter so she can at least know for herself. A honeymoon period is better than no stress free time at all. I am all too well away of how the meds wane when no other efforts are made ... but that's a period to address later on, if at all. Here's to the chemical assist providing some much needed space in which a better outlook might present healthier ways of living. Regardless of whether she decided to stay on them or not, it's a journey I think she needs to take. Like my friends - I will support whatever works.

I try not to fear her quitting in the initial process as has been the habit in the past.

OK - I have earned some Gaming Time.

[Ponder]

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Huge Day. Time to crash. Full house once again. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Unfortunately my daughter is not happy about the meds. I say unforutnatley because I want her to give them a fair go. I fear she will give them up before giving them a chance. I'm encouraging her to dial it back to half the dose before quitting to see if that helps with the sick feeling. See what happens tomorrow. So far she has done two days on the prescribed dose. The sensitivity is in our genes so understand where she is coming from. I too had to dial back the dose before giving up and thankfully back then it worked for me where I was able to keep going. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz right now though ... my routine seems to be enough. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

So far so good. Moved more gear from daughters house and establishing new routines. Early days yet ... anything could happen. Talk of making it more permanent from our daughters perspective, however like I say, I think we don't want to read too much into that for at least another 2 to 4 weeks. If things are settling down and we are all still sane after that ... then yea ... might consider a dual live in house. Have to time it with the leases. Once our daughters lease is up in only a few months, we might start looking as our lease will have only couple more months after that but like I say still early days. Given we pretty much drive clear across town and always baby sitting and dual house would actually save a lot of time and fuel money. Just a matter if we can live that close together. Have done it before ... so I am optimistic. Just not so keen on the extra dishes. lol
______________________________

What else is happening ... hmmmmmmmmmm. My sister finds out today if she can get her son his dream PC. I'm holding out he scores big time. I have had fun researching parts for that ... learning what's what as that kind of tech is always changing.

Went to the gym and not feeling as sore as I previously was. Holding out I can continue on the treadmill. Have not started back into the body resistance as the two weeks the doc told me, not do weights is not over yet.

Had a run in with a young girl on the phone to do with confirming an psych appointment. Had to drive over to the office with support person to explain interrupting me and raising one's voice is not a good idea to do with me. I explained we had the call on speaker phone where then my support worker validated some of my points and in the end we finally established talking like a robot simply would not compute for humans like myself. Once they realized why I was seeing a psych my point regarding the way in which I was dealt with was satisfactory enough. UNTIL the next obnoxious patronizing receptionist.

I can't wait till those assessments are done and I no longer have to deal with the convey belt mentality. In fact we are going to start paying for private sessions to avoid such treatment. Thankfully most of the sessions are done.

________

Hmmmm ... a few other thins but mostly working on my fitness goals. My food choices have slipped once again but no huge drama as I am still mindful enough.

The full house happens from time to time and when it does I often push myself to get out which is not a bad thing.

That's a wrap for now ...

Adios until next post.

[salvator here]

Thank you Dahila, I will try.

I appreciate the support you both have been.

[Ponder]

Hi Sal. What's happening your side of world?

[Ponder]

Still Kicking ... :) Full House - Full Bore Ahead

[Ponder]

How did things go D. Guess your waiting for results?

I need to focus more on doing things I enjoy. Requires a bit of thought that one. Especially when it's been so long. Often changes and as you get older and the sharing experience is not quite what it used to be.

[Dahila]

yep we are waiting for results...........very anxious

[Ponder]

How long did they say you might have to wait?

[Dahila]

up to three weeks

[Ponder]

The 1st week will be up soon enough. Up to ... means you might get a call only days after that. At any rate, since you can't predict when, you may as well forget about it for now.

Yesterday I fell off a 14 ft trampoline whilst disembarking. I placed too much weight on a UV stricken plastic chair. The brittle plastic shattered which resulted in my shoulder smashing into my neck as the sole of my foot reverbarated the full force of my weight through my twisted hip up into head.

Immediately I thought "you once again just fucked your neck. Good one Dave!"

I was buckled in pain unable to get up whilst Lisa was just heading out the front door taking my grandson to kindie.

Eventually I crawled up on my knees thankfull I had not broken my neck. Slowly I moved head checking for any kinks. Phew!!! Close fucking call that was.

It's the next morning. I'm still a little sore ... but still able to go to the gym.

My weight loss program is struggling with the new changes in routine, but I've decided I'm not going to give up. I will however make more of an attempt to today be mindful with treading lightly. :)

[Ponder]

Ended up doing some rowing at the gym.

Now that my daughter has moved into the house, looks like I will be getting dragged into the family court re my grandson. Something about a new family report and the possibility of having to count for my own disability re the fathers lawyer wishing to question me. I guess it is to be expected since there is after all a family law case going on. It's such a toxic process to be sure. I try not to dwell on it too much. I will prep by focusing on being kind and compassionate towards both the father and his lawyer.

What else is happening.

Boy oh boy ... I am trying my best not to eat so much. Is a hard task to be sure with so much going on. None the less ... I keep trying as I have always done. Is tricky to hit that spot where the trying is so enjoyable that one is not really trying at all.

I ready my gear for the morning where I will return to the gym and hit the treadmill. Still building up strength since my recent operation ... but I think now I can return to the weights as well.

[Ponder]

Excellent News - Facebook is down! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/dancing/egyptian.gif Enjoy the peace whilst it lasts. Just kidding. I'm sure it will be back up soon.

[Ponder]

My pair of Active noise cancellation ear buds arrived today. Apparently they are not as good as the headphone variety, but the one's I chose are the best you ear phone ANC buds you can get. I was pretty amazed trying them on at home and then out side my front door, but today I will test them in a mall situation. As far as I can tell they do not eradicate high pitch sound, but it did lesson the volume of my TV when tested in my living room.

It's interesting that whilst I can't really make out the words of people when they are not speaking clearly or not directly at me and or me being partially tone deaf ... that I seek not to hear anything. On that note a friend of mine questioned me on how my tinnitus would fair using active noise cancellation. The best I can say regarding tinnitus ... is how I don't regard my tinnitus as intrusive ... at least not anymore. Intrusive being the key word to noise pollution in general and whilst the affect of that is very often responsible for tinnitus itself, having some influence over the intrusive nature and impact of unwanted noise give me a sense of control. This control factor being important when thinking in terms of how noise pollution affect anxiety.

Yes with the noise in my head drastically reduced, my tinnitus is more predominant. The main point I just tried to make above is that I can live with that ... I can actually influence that myself in other areas and the ability to hear my tinnitus is actually important to me, as trying to mask that leads to more health problems in much the same way many of us mask our emotions with food. Alas - whilst I would love to delve into the insights of living with tinnitus ... I need to get up and off this thing (which in itself is another project of late to keep moving and not be sitting for too long) and go do a hard core public test.

[Ponder]

Exscuse the typos. Now sitting in a busy mall nearing lunch time. It's incredible the difference these ANC ear buds make. First things first.

Walking into the mall is not somthing I enjoy doing. It's loud enough drivin in traffic just getting here. Getting out of the car nd making my way inoto the mall also not my favourite outing. But generally speaking, walking through the main doors into the mall is where those of us sensitive enough become overwhealmed. As well as noticing it in myself I also notice it in others. Many of us will walk faster than we would otherwise do. If only in an attempt to get in and get out. It's in that state that where anxiety builds.

Not sure if your reading Sal ... but this is one exmple of graduated exposure I am choosing to do. Big difference when we choose to do it. Long story short ... this trip knowing I am doing a test has me being a lot more mindful abut the triggers and how I nd others react. It all comes down to eneergy would you not agree?

OK - I can see having brought along this roll out keybord might have me sitting here longer than Iotherwise planed. That combined with the fact that the reduced volume in noise pollution has seriously been reduced. I do hve Youtube playing some relaxtion ambiance in the background, but no where near as loud as I would normally do. It's like near peak hour with noise conditions yet mybility to sit here without caring who sees me with alll my gear laid out across the table typing attentively into my phone. My ability to focus is quite suprising. I still flinch a little with people passing into my paripherial and will never lik croweded spaces. Although sound playing a huge impact into the equation of engery, so to is vision and the body language people project doing whatever it is they are doing ... even when people are thinking they project as they do. However that's nother story. Now I would seem to be going deep in my head.

Like I was saying before I can still hear the higher pitch sonds, but the volume decrease is seroiusly amaing when in busy public spaces. No longer having to turn up my volume will now allow me to work more with my tinitus. Nowhere near as much masking will be reuired. I can't wait to see how much these buds can reduce the noise pollution of varioius neighbours when filling the street with thier favoiurite play lists. Thankfully has been a non issue since I called the police as many time a they played.

Righto. Now that a large group have pulled up right next to my table - that's enough for me to call this wall of text quits. Although challenging, I kind o enjoyed this.

Untill next test ... I think that will be catching the bus tommorow. See what happens. Not going to pressure myself.

Later ...

[Ponder]

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz The quest for stillness. I know many of you may not be interested ... but thought the following was a good find. Especially on the topic of why stillness is so important to me and how it is that I struggle with the unnatural way in which we all now find ourselves living:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nYMDeW2ix8

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Good night guys. Thinking of you all and hope this finds you well.

[Dahila]

jeez you are really brave to go to mall, I was in the mall probably 3 years ago. When I was still buying gifts for my grandchild birthday, with her presence of course. I am exhausted while I do grocery shopping. Tinnitus, can not take it all the time, my hearing aids are Semens digital and really good at level of volume, anyway i do have 4 programs and volume control on them. I have no problem on Market (it is huge) when I put on conversation. My tinnitus is like gong , very loud one the other kind is ok , I try not to put attention on it, It is a result of poor diet and what the most important Aging. No one is escaping it,
My HA are masking it perfectly ;)

[Ponder]

Morning D. Hope the Markets have been yielding joy - Or - better yet ... leaving you feel content. Glad your Hearing Aids are doing the trick for you. My government issue ones tend to make my hearing issues worse. Only sometimes I find them effective but ironically, mine only return good results when using in quiet areas. GONG!!!!!! I don't envy that D. I stand my claim that it's best to make friends with our ailments and do what we can for them.

My Tinnitus sounds more like crickets. The following seems to emulate my tinnitus to good effect. If you take away the ping therapy and just think crickets ... then you can pretty much hear my form of tinnitus:

I had to turn up the volume to hear crickets (Not the pinging) ... or drown the ones out already in my head. :) I really don't mind them ... I am yet to comment on the effectiveness of this therapy. Like most external things I find them short lived.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKo4jYDO9FQ

It was when first taking antidepressants that my tinnitus became evident. Unfortunately that was all that form of medication gave me. Your right though D. In the end everyone will experience tinnitus to some degree. I beleive tinnitus is primarily a symptom related to our neurological condition than it is a condition itself. This kind of explains how many medications can trigger the symptom of tinnitus; make us more sensitive to it. Of course if the medication improves your life in other areas then I guess it's a question of variables. I always find it amusing though how many of medications list suicide as a side effect. Go figure. To be sure they have there place ... I much prefer antibiotic and being is a state where I don't need them.

Other factors that trigger tinnitus to varying degrees are, stress, stiff joints, diets, inflammation, sound, anxiety, exercise, thinking, and much much more. In fact when you consider how tinnitus is spawn or comes to be, it's not so hard to see how we are all born with it. It just comes down to how we tune into it. Learning to live with it when it becomes problematic is a great lesson in life. Sadly for some people the tinnitus has lead them to suicide. Yet for others, it has opened a door to better a lifestyle. After having posted more on tinnitus, I smile to think of just how loud mine now is.

All good ... I am off to the gym. Some of the things that can heighten the symptom can also help to alleviate the various conditions which are known to turn trigger the crickets that reside in my head. Is all about balance.

[Dahila]

crickets, lol mine is the fridge and in mean time gongs, Sure you get to know how not to put attention on it. A lot of antibiotics will make it worse a lot of any other meds too. Gaining weight makes it worse, losing it makes it worse , you name it, It is a part of my life and I have to make peace with it, like I make peace with other limitations i have.
I had not finished about going to mall, Right now my little one (toler than I am, she is 13) and she makes it easy on me, she wants money. :) is this the easiest way? I like the idea too. easy peasy .
I hope you ok with "home family lovely invasion" Is you baby girl better?

[Ponder]

All good points D. I see it the same. Is good to have company, especially the grand kids. : ) Things are still adjusting this end but I am sure we will make it. It's not gong to be easy with outside forces looking in.

Today I successfully went into town and back again on the bus. I am yet to do it on my own, but a long way off doing that. I am content to keep practicing with my friend. The noise canceling ear buds worked excellently.

[Ponder]

I decided to delete my posts. Seems to be enough drama on the subject without me adding to it. I just needed to vent but really don't want to add to it. Time to go back to playing non violent video games.

[salvator here]

Hi Ponder my friend, I think you made a good call to delete them though; honestly.

There are a lot of bad people out there and sometimes I think that fact that I keep to myself and am isolated from society is a blessing rather than the curse. Sometimes I fear going outside and its not always without good merit, I watch people and overhear things that make me glad to be a loner. Sure I'm overly paranoid but I overhear things that remind me that I could become a target for somebody's hate and bigoted behavior. I tend to stay quiet in public and remain sort of unassuming.

I agree those old classic video games sound good right about now and the love and support form you and Dahila feels unconditional. I should even avoid triggering news given that I'm not in a good place mentally. Hate to shelter myself but I'm in no condition to handle it without it pushing me deeper down from an already fragile state.

I hope you are doing ok.

EDIT: I actually decided to delete part of my post as well.

[Ponder]

I hear ya Sal. Thanks for hearing me.

I'm off for a bike ride. Nothing too serious. Wish me luck as I get the feeling I might get caught out. I took the following images and stitched them together just before leaving:

https://i.ibb.co/t4tH72N/Heading-off-for-a-Bike-Ride.jpg
I'll share a bit of the outdoors with ya Sal. See if I can whether the storm for both of us hey. :)

Thanks for your reply. It's helped me heaps. Remember how I used to say just focus on what works. I try to go back to that philosophy.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Moving forward despite the depressing news. Talk of bringing the death penalty back and politicians yelling and screaming at each other ... in the meantime I've manged to keep walking, riding and going to the gym. Food ... well ... the good news in that is the trigger for me on that is leaving the house today. I wish her all the best! : ) In this I will be seeing my eldest daughter off at the airport this morning. She previously went to the UK to meet her online boyfriend in Manchester. Seems a big enough place to not be letting any secrets out of the bag. lol - He has a twitter channel with plenty of follower we on it he play a number of different Video Games. They have been using video and playing together like so for some time now. It was just what my daughter needed to get out of a toxic relationship. I think is the best way to say it really. Now my daughter is leaving the country to go live in another for 2 years. Or so that is the plan. In life everything is a risk. Apparently there will be a large and warm reception with the boyfriends family and some of his twitter mates getting involved. I can see the apprehension in my daughter but she is a big now. If she wants it to work and the felling is mutual I think she'll do more than OK. Like all my kids I will miss her immensely.

What else ... hmmmm ... I think that is enough. I best go pick up some more furniture for my other daughter who with her child has now moved in. I don't understand D? I thought we were suppose to get a break from all this nesting least around age 50? Naarrrr just kidding. The world is more toxic than even and we need to be there for our kids no matter what and matter when. Being at home is not a sign of dysfunction but more a sign of compassion. Screw those types who paint it the other way.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

This made me decide the electric corded mowers are more powerful that battery operated ones.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKX0ByzsB4M

[Dahila]

heheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
looks like me when first time using self propelled lownmover :)
oh I would miss my child too, but she going to be ok ;)

[Ponder]

:) ... My daughter has not long changed planes in Dubai ... only about 6 hours out of the UK now.

[Ponder]

Would love to catch one to visit both you and sal.

[Dahila]

I would treat you like royalty D. :)
I can imagine us walking and not talking and being very comfortable with the silence

[Ponder]

:) That's a nice way to put it D.

I have been popping in and out of FB because I am simply too tired is all D. Lots of cleaning at my daughters house and sorting things out at my own. Listing things on FB to get rid of stuff that is not being used and taking up too much space and or problematic when moving. Not sure what's happening of late. Has been challenging but trying to do my best. Still keeping up the exercise and getting out.

That said it's REALLY HOT for this time of year. I know I have said this for a few years running now and despite being overweight, I got to say that the sun is biting extra hard regardless of all that for this time of year. It's not just the heat but UV seems really high? I can only imagine it's weird over your end but also a similar tune you guys have been playing for a few years running.

Wish I had more zing ... :) ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz

Thinking of you guys.

Goodnight and peace.

[Ponder]

Have been quiet due to Kidney Stone/s ... or so I am told. This really sucks but I try to look on the bright side. I so feel for all the sick and elderly people laying in pain. Especially those in clinical institutions. I am such cry baby when it comes to pain. The benefit is that I seem to do so well when it comes to human touch though. When I get a cuddle of my grandson, the pain almost subsides instantly. Sadly I do not get much of that from anyone else in my life. I do try. The thing with growing apart in relationships is the void. I don't do so well or nearly as well as I pretend I do or could. Best I can do for now is go squeeze my pillow and hope for the best.

When back pain gets so bad your balls starts achinghttp://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/sad/crybaby.gif here's to finding some kind of position I can sleep in.


... also to hoping the prognosis is correct and I don't end up with a UTI being incorrectly treated for something I don't have.

[Ponder]

The pain has subsided in my kidney area but woke up pre 3am with a flaming raw throat and a cough that rips it even more ... Grrrrrrrr ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/choking-gesture-smiley-emoticon.gif

DAMN FLICKr ... they are holding all those photos for deletion if I don't $$$$ - Of course it would have to be the ones with more then 128K views (my drone photos of Toogoom Low Tide) No problem ... easy come easy go! Is exactly what I did with my drone so no probs. I generally try to avoid Flickr now because of that. I can see you commented recently D but Flickr will not let me see unless I pay $$$$. It's because I have thousands of photos stored with them. I guess I should not of trusted the internet and kept all my final results on a storage drive. I just got in the habit of storing everything online. I guess this should be a lesson for many of us. But then again ... I still think easy come easy go. I can always go out and start snapping more. I never have like the idea of being too attached to photos. Not sure what it is ... something about no longer living the moment.
_________________________________

I should try and get some rest. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/choking-gesture-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Dahila]

from time to time I just put my pics on disk, I still have them. this is why I have optical drive so I can go back to any disk I want, there is a limit on pics on flicr, they all are scamming people into paying

[Ponder]

Many of the CDs we have have lost their ability to hold data, but more an issue with the folders + it's rare to find systems that come with optical drive these days. Glad you had one put into your recently new desktop D. Thankfully we did keep a few on external HDD ... although we have lost quite a few that way too. Easy come ... easy go.

I'm still not feeling well but can't sleep due to what feels like a leaky tap dripping in my lungs and a burning cough that's giving me hell.

So How's About I share some Scanned Photos before the days of digital camera and internet:
That tech was about, just not main stream save for little LCD devices and that type of thing. This will take a few post because I intend to embed the photos. Not much else happening in the forum so let's give people something to either laugh or cry about. I can't put them all in. I can't remember exact times except to say its about 28 years ago. It really is amazing to me just how much the world has changed in that time regardless of how much it changed in the 3 decades before that. Coming out of the 80's we like a sling shot in terms of the digital age, yet many of us still lived like they did back in the 60's ... minus color TV and the advent of VHS + Smaller Cassettes (back in the days of magnetic tape)

Let's Begin:
https://i.ibb.co/8xvwXV0/Random-Shot-Random-Hotel.jpg

About 22 maybe 23 here. One of the first photos my wife and I started taking together. She thought I was older which was cool with me ... I did too. Just arrived in the Syndey from the Chipping fields way way out west somewhere in what they call the outback. My wife's parents did not like me because I already had I Son who was not living with me. It mattered little because my wife liked me very much and in fact decided to move out when her parents started told her that she could have nothing to do with me. I smile to think that the only big ticket item she left with was what we used to call Midi Systems. Much bigger than today's tiny knock off in K/Wall Mart. Man she played that thing loud as in that hotel ... but as they say ... it was at least good music. Cracking 80s. Interestingly she did bring a photo of her biological Dad (pictured above middle) I was happy with my wife's protest ... This was the beginning of 30+ rentals just under 3 decades


Next
https://i.ibb.co/NyF9Z5D/My-wife-before-she-was-struck-with-MS.jpg

The hotel living was simply too expensive. My wife was the only one working and City Living is #*@ING over priced. So we moved into a run down town house in a shoddy suburb barely any furniture. Thus my gypsy genes kick in and we scavenge what we can. I did a pretty good job living off welfare back then (always have - that's another story) ... so much so my wife quit her job and seemed much more happier with that decision. It was only others that seemed to be pinning over it. You know my story D re living on the road. That philosophy served us quite well before the squandering and hording Baby Boomers took control and decided to crack down and oppress those not towing the so called line. Of course no offense D ... I understand you probably fit into that age bracket of ideals, however you one of the rare one's of that age that has not judged me. Of course I gravitated to the byproduct from that ear as well. Generally the repressed if not insane tend to have more substance as humans.

Sadly to add to those changing winds ... my beautiful wife unknowingly succumb to MS in her 30's. So it is that I do in fact remember this one with a lot of joy. None of us smile like we used to. But no one wants to focus on that - although we don't mind as we often prefer to go against this world's tide. The latter is slowly coming to an end though ... our lives are pretty drained keeping up with protecting off spring. I savor an end in sight - but right now I allow myself to look at some more pics before my flame gives out:



WOOPS ... Seems when my flame was burning it was burning ... or perhaps this is why I was medicated so many years later? Let's put it down to my autistic sens of humor. That's what they're saying now.
https://i.ibb.co/phkq7v5/Um-Not-sure-what-I-am-downloading-there.jpg

Actually I did do a little work. Cash in hand only. The water bottle in the back reminded me of the carpet laying I was doing with my Dad who was at that time living in Sydney. He too also a bushy - more so a gypsy from England or as is how he used to spout drinking from bottles like the one under the sleeping bag I was still using. I kept that bag for many years, as was one of a few, that I used under many of bridge before meeting my wife. I never took life seriously after my upbringing. Child support back then was taking out up to 70% of my wage in garnasheers. (WETF they called it back then) My response was to never work full time again ... although this was to happen in a latter photo when working in a city factory. I did work sparasicly but was never interested in making money. I only wanted the least and was always happy scrounge like a tax cheat like most of the selfish fuckers out there that pretend their shit don't stink. I got caught out a few times and as the digital age made skimming all the much harder in the end we pretty much just learn to live in crumbs which in all fairness is not so bad once you learn to live on less. Yadda Yadda ... I am still a hypocrite as addicted as any other consumer. I just know how to accept my lot and make the most - with what I am able - or simply got. I guess you could say my Dad's gypsy side came in handy. Although I was pretty simply and cost him a few rolls of carpet by leaving then untended or even helping thieves by loading our own stolen carpet onto their trucks. "That's a good strong lad! : ) " rofl ... I told that story many years ago. We all had a good laugh down at the pub after that one. I never made a good thieve of rip-off merchant, however my Dad had his ways of making back up the supplies. Given the abuse (re the homes, perversions, rejection, relgion, and on and on) in my earlier life just had me not really giving two fucks ... I just wanted to get along and if that was not good enough ... I'd keep looking for another place.




Before many of use load up Google:
https://i.ibb.co/mRftpK3/Reading.jpg

As good as netflix ... Sci-Fi no doubt.

[Ponder]

Having to make a decision
https://i.ibb.co/9wc48Lq/Eating-Unhealthy.jpg

Back when I used to eat Bangers & Mash - I think I was contemplating a few warrants for my arrest. Basically this is where I tie up all my lose ends not wanting to be locked up whilst having a family to this beautiful girl I had just met. I wanted kids to her and was quite serious. I had one failed relationship before hand, which crushed my sole because I love my 1st son like I do all my kids. I moved about so much that it was never an issue. Now having slowed down (yet still moving quite frequently with my wife) - I decide to reveal my presence to society and end up once more on probation and parole. The young girl in my previous relationship went on to have several broken relationships chasing the money - I have never looked back and still with the city girl that took me under her wing.







I do indeed miss this captured connection my wife and I used to have. It's still there. I just need to work on helping us both reconnect. Like I say ... It's become harder looking out for the young ones today.

https://i.ibb.co/yhC1wtz/expectant-mother.jpg

I decided to stay in the CITY and get a full time Job working in a Paint Factory. My liver paid a hefty price as I broke out in all kinds of rashes despite being a stickler for safety. WARING CAUSES CANCER IN RATS! I stuck it out for a little over 12 months which was a record for me. My wife is pictured here pregnant with out first child. I really loved how she did not drink beer or smoke whilst pregnant. Shen ever smoked anyways and rarely drank beer. We both gave up the alcohol in the end and saw it for what it is. Unfortunately this job marks my first ever boycot. My boycotts are fairly autistic. Once I make one I generally never break them. Child support started taking out the majority of my earnings and left us without enough to eat and pay the rent. No one gave a fuck. I decided that was it ... back to living the only way I could trust. From that point on I only ever worked enough to just get by meaning that I would not tolerate being told what to do by those handing out what they call fresh air and food. When asked why I could not find work I let my history of abuse, drugs and incarceration speak for itself with the context of you reap what you so. I am happy my end and jumping the hoops and became a professional welfare bludger (doing it professionally just means you do it legally - cheating no longer works nor conducive to one's health - you learn to jump through hoops and if you put in enough 'work/compliance' eventful they back the fuck up) I actually hated living the lie but like I say came to accept my place and focus on what worked for me my my tribe. Fuck the world and it's politics. Both my wife and I did a LOT of charity work often helping the needy for free. Employments agencies used to tell my that kind of work did not count and basically what I was doing was worthless. I was more determined to work for FREE and smile when I did my work. I'll never forget the computer refurbishing shop my wife and I started. Thankfully we did find some compassionate folks doing that with only Charity tax cheating from the ranks above forcing us to close down.

I do indeed miss this captured connection my wife and I used to have. It's still there. I just need to work on helping us both reconnect. Like I say ... It's become harder looking out for the young ones today.
________________________




You can't live in the City for Free and I did not want to have to show my new girl where I used to sleep - Instead we moved out into the rural sector and set up camp:

https://i.ibb.co/PmwCym6/Caravan-Days.jpg


I lost my puppy fat that came with me and city living and started working on my health just using my bike and playing with my kid. We had no car so I ended up obtaining the best child seat I could for a push bike and used it to take her into town for doctors visits. We lived about 4 clicks out of the CBS and the traffic fumes although leaded was nothing like the city. Back then I used to dart in and out of traffic with me eldest girl on the back like scoring goals that I often did when playing rugby league.





Yep ... Nothing like having a grass edging in your lounge room : )

https://i.ibb.co/YQLQBvT/Grass-in-the-loungeroom.jpg

My daughter playing with a younger bub from the next caravan. Got to love that cardboard shrine. : ) My previous son positioned below my daughter's frame. We always included him, traveled far and saw him/had regular overnights despite distance. Often bringing him back on the train ... I moved south to shorten that distance.
[I]

To be cont ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[Dahila]

wow that's fantastic, you know I am baby boomers age, but I never went with the flow, rather the opposite,
I hate to be judged and try not to do to others. We make our choices we can make our choices. I love the pics, Are you gypsy in some part? I know you said it few times but are you?
The best is to be happy what you have and not desire more. None of the things will make us happy. I have so much and I worried day and night :( I loved the pics, please give us some more
12 hours without internet , today

[Ponder]

Best answered with the following I think:

https://i.ibb.co/HtrmMpn/Ancestry-Overview.jpg

Fathers side related to a notorious Highway Man - Sir Humphrey Kynaston (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humphrey_Kynaston):
The 39% European Jew wins out by a fraction of 1%. Certainly accounts for genetic anxiety. That said - every nation has a lot of that. Not that I aim to give into to predisposition. Just made an appointment with a life coach. You would of figured I'd do something like that. You can be sure I put to rest my fear of the extroverted sales pitch. I'll let you know how that goes. Thus far it's reasonably from a holistic point of view. The clinical approach has been failing me of late and also resistant to my previous forms of life balance modalities. One side treats me like a highway man, the other seeks to build on my many strengths.

UPDATE - Lisa has just been DXed with early onset pneumonia. I'm still chronically sick but my kidneys not hurting as much.

Catch up soon ... need to gel with trivial you tube ... like anxiety attacks at the airport. A good lesson in why it's so important to remain calm; lest you look like a goose:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zIxTxJZ59I

https://youtu.be/6zIxTxJZ59I?t=407
This particular passenger I can't fathom how she was already late the previous and now the second time she arrives late again when so many people were relying on her. I think she knows she has tarnished her working reputation and simply unable to process that upcoming consequences. I could not work with someone like this, but this is another reason why I don't work. People are just loosing respect at every level these days. Is quite sad, but I agree she did bring this on herself like 99% of the people here crying over their own mistakes. The few times I have been able to fly I arrive up to an hour and half before boarding time just to make sure.

[Ponder]

Going to watch this now - A good use of photography:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqXBQcO_Qa8

[Ponder]

Still very ill - Neck Tension very painful due to constant coughing. (https://www.mydr.com.au/respiratory-health/cough-dry-cough) I've also got a very very sensitize burning esophagus where breathing and swallowing is quite painful. Fever has gone so I guess that is something. My biggest issue is my sleep being interrupted due to mouth breath which only compounds the pain in my chest and throat. Smoking in my previous years has cost me dearly when it comes to those protective layers of hair on the inside of nose and also predisposition to inner throat.

What's worse is due to Lisá MS - she may now end up in hospital if her pneumonia does not improve.

We are not well. Still we are running around and doing what must be done for the little one. I don't know what to say about that situation just yet D. A lot of stress all round given the focus with authorities hovering in the background. It's a very delicate line for as much as we wish to give support, we are also enabling in ways that prevent my wife and I from providing the same support - but could be way way less stressful if not for all the complexities and looming fear. We are at a cross roads where we may have to apply to be primary carers as has been the case since birth re both our daughter and grandson. Does any of that make sense to you? The father can not be an option for primary care as not only have you seen the bruising I posted when the little one was 16 months, but the father denies the child's high needs and diagnoses. The little one's current supports has taken 4 years to set up and we are all he has ever known.

Sigh ... Is no wonder with all this pressure we have fallen ill. Not to worry - I will be the first to bounce back and take the driver seat and do my best to ensure Lisa does not end up in hospital.

errrrrrrrr ... again I am such a woose when in pain ... errrrrrrrr .... ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Night Night.

edit ... it's the dry cough that's getting out of hand. The dripping in throat has stopped ... but the sensitivity to air on throat is something else. My general state of anxiety does not help with such matters. - will try to focus on calm ... if this continues tomorrow night I will have to seek medical help due to what feels like skin being ripped off the back of my throats. Might try salt water but question it's use given my somewhat server symptoms. The nights are the worst and sadly this is when I need to sleep and heal. :(

[Ponder]

How's your Kindle going D? Have you considered upgrading to a larger Eink Book Reader? I'd love any excuse to get off this thing regardless of being on another. :) Eink would be better for my eyes.

[Dahila]

hehe I do not have kindle, I am the real book reader, I hate reading on kindle or phone or even on my huge monitor. No only on paper. I know I am the last on the world that does not use kindle.
for dry "smokers" cough the best thing for me is; a tsp of sugar and few drops of alcohol on it any alcohol gin or brandy so the sugar is wet, take it and let it dissolve and it goes down. Somehow the alcohol warms up the vocal cords and stop the coughing lon the spot. If this is not the option, you may not have any alcohol in house, just warm tea sipping slowly. I am not smoking for 10 years and still get the dry cough. like years ago.

[Ponder]

I find Eink is just like paper and using it gives the ability to access information that I simply can't with what I can't help but term as limited text. That said, I get where your coming from. Other than the limited information sold in paper form, it still has many pros.

I am into day 11 or my illness now. Thanks for the tip. I am up making ginger tea with hone and lemon. I massage my throat glans in a steam shower and little by little over the course of the nights come up with bit and pieces of hard green lumps. Before I went to be tonight when I breathed out for an extended period I sounded like a wet sponge despite feeling dry inside. My nasals seem dry and unblocked at present (just now after one of the aforementioned shower episodes) which is unusual for me. I am hoping the warm herbal tea I am about to drink will elevate that sore lump in my throat.

Hmmmmm ... what else ... many sleepless nights I guess. I am taking endome to help with what sleep I do get. I only have two tabs left which is fine by me ... I am also taking antibiotics that I was taking for my previous dental episode. If I don't improve after tommorrow or when I wake up I will think about going to the doctor who recently scanned my wife's lungs. I hold out high hopes I can avoid going to see the GP.

I still have family drama going on and it's really starting to impact on my current condition ... I fear it is why both my wife and I are struggling with illness as much as we are.

Other than all this ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Night Night ... soon enough I hope. :( :( :(

[Ponder]

Still no news good news D?

[Ponder]

EEEEEEEeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr When will this damn sickness end .... eeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Dahila]

No, he does not call to doc, I think if it came positive we would get the phone call from doctor,
BTW do not use honey when you have dry cough, it will irritate the vocal cords even more. Most people have no idea about it ;) I am happy u feel better

[Ponder]

I wish this morning I was feeling better. I was informed by the GP that a cough spawn from a viral infection can take up to 3 to 4 week to subside. It's Wednesday today. Friday will mark 2 week since I have been ill.

https://i.ibb.co/5x3y917/crying.gif

I have had something similar before that was more related to some kind of mystery respiratory illness that the nurses in the end blamed on being psychosomatic. I know my sensitivities can make it worse but that's about it. What I am now going through is in either way manifested as a real experience. I will do my best to remain as positive as I can be.

__________________________________________________ _____________________________________________

[Ponder]

Well it's all coming to a close D. The final tally in the claims list is quite a mess to say the least. The biggest irony is how the daughter of one of the main abusers already being paid of with a house is once again double dipping and objecting to those of us happy to go equal shares when it comes to proof of debt. Like I say it's a fucking mess. In fact it would appear my brothers name is listed and that being the least amount ... BUT guess what ... He is fucking DEAD! Surely I must of read my brothers name wrong. My Sister is also confused. God love her as she insists on objecting despite the fact I have no more juice.

The injustice of this world will never end. I have to learn to be happy with what I have, let alone whatever one gets. Remember I not long ago said I have no more fight to keep on keeping on. I think my grandson is going to be the last raging war and even in that I think it will be the war in which all that we have will eventually be spent. It's a cruel system and attachment is the biggest bitch of all. Eventually one has to given in ... in order to win. But hey ... I don't like winning or losing. Still though ... I think it's a point.
__________________________________

Still coughing up my guts D but maybe ... just maybe the GP is right. I am hoping so. That means that surely after this Friday I should start improving.

I took some endome tonight to help me sleep. Is a good thing I made that box last as long as I did. I don't know D ... I really am all out of wind. I think my brother would not be surprised at the irony. Is pretty much as we both agreed during that time he foresaw he would be dead before me. Yep ... no amount of money will ever make up for that. Is very sad to see these double dippers and objectors living so selfishly. But fuck all that shit ... once that has hand has been dealt ... there is one last follow up I almost forgot about. I think Lisa will push for that Order of Australia medal to be overturned. Once the court has dealt their hand and paid off the byproduct ... I think all that irony is worth a write up in a way that gets one last bit of attention from a tone that does justice for the unjust. Something like that. Objectivity of the unintended consequence regarding the hierarchy of abuse on all sides of the fence re what really makes for true compensation contrasted with said Order of Australia re Pastor Frank Fullwood and yadda yadda ... arrrr the insanity of is all ... where does the BS end. I think I just keep talking to my imaginary friends. :)

Let is go Dave ... Let it go. I just want to get well D ... I think I will settle for that. Sorry I have been down for SOOOOOO LONNNGGGGGG. Seriously before all this got out of hand I was doing well enough. I am seriously now trying to work towards getting back to my better self.
_______________________________________

Here is some good news D. Remember last time I got a loan I bought my Grandson a HUGE tramp. It's been great and done him really well. This time I got myself one ... but one I can use in the house. You know me. I got the best damn rebounder on the market. I spend a couple of weeks and could write a book why I went for the one I did. In fact, that's why I am not going to tell you just yet which one I got. I'll just say after doing some of my own testing on the big tramp I bought my grandson, that I am amazed at the cleansing properties you can get from various workouts that don't bust a gut. The one I bought was hard to find. There was only two left in Australia with new orders being sort from overseas.

Anyways ... other than that ... my support worker and I went out shopping today and I added some new clothing to my wardrobe. Having him with me helped me heaps! I made sure my money was spent well and pretty much got everything I needed ... nothing wasted. I got two different sizes so I could be comfortable now with nice looking clothes as well as some nice ones to fin into as my weight is once again quickly dropping. This long summer has been my worst ever since having wavered from my optimal weight. I got to say since falling ill and am finally motivated on to stop eating myself to death. Even with so much emotional baggage still in sight I am just fucking sick of letting myself go up and down like a yo yo. My mentor is 60 and I can tell he has made up his mind not to fuck with his balance re his maintenance. He too had to work hard from his 50's onwards and spent the last 10 years being hard core stable due to an illness he has. He understand me well re the extremes and no room for vices persay. I don't know D - it might all sound like "yea yea ... sure Dave ..." but the thing regardless of whatever is to make each comeback last longer. I did almost 2 years straight and clean ... this time I will go 3 with the aim to finally just click -

We are all going to Die ... I just want to die less painfully and the only way I know how to suffer less is to give the body less ... literally! It's not quite as simple as that but then again it is for those who know what good can come from willingly accepting pain. More meaning unless we experience said things the build up when it hits ... hits with vengeance to say the least.

yea yea ... more bullshit Dave. :) WTF does any of that mean. ... all good. Here I am sprouting this garbage whilst the affect of endome take effect. lol I've got this in the bag one way of the other. I know I can do it ... I always do somehow. I know what is to come. A lot more pain coming our way D ... all of us.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz Here's to a tiny bit of healing during the night and less suffering tomorrow. Regardless of outcomes ... things are moving on and I am ok with that. I am glad this whole compensation thing will be over soon. I still have my sister and it's brought us closer ... even my mum ... regardless of all that pain I shed ... the yelling, screaming and venting. Like I always said ... the only compensation we get in the end is that which we give ourselves.

I have even organised a mediation with the mental health facility where I used to attend ... having done all I could re my previous complaint regarding that. And yes ... the board of directors there thanked me enough that the pacification to be sort in general terms still saw some good effect on both sides of the fence ... In the end nothing is wasted if one is able to give in ... irrespective of one's own ego and all that BS ... I just want to get along ... despite no longer wishing to play the game of life.

SIGH ... ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz The cruelty, injustice, irony and so one will always plague us to our end ... I just do my best to keep on keeping on.

I miss you Sal ... I hope your doing alright my friend. ... I know ... is OK not to be as to not is still to be. I am still here as long as this place is still keeping on.

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

If you keep hanging in .... I'll do the same.

Please write when you can ... let me know what your doing to keep moving ... surely the temps across the planet are now finally moving into more temperate conditions?

Night Night ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

https://youtu.be/XbDyn-2_xIc?t=3545


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbDyn-2_xIc

https://youtu.be/XbDyn-2_xIc?t=3545

[Dahila]

I am here, I would love to give some advice but I have none, I am dealing with awful sadness and it seems I can not bounce back, But as always I am here D.

[Ponder]

Sorry you are struggling also. Day 15, cough still with me, throat is now starting to swell up with nassals blocked. Double whammy. Need to start gargerling salt again. I fear the fever will return today. Is verry hard to swallow on top of all else.
‐---------‐--------------------

What's going on your end D?

[Dahila]

the results came good so I was happy for an hour, but I am sad which is not normal for me. I have that unsettling feeling, like something is going to happen, Usually I deal with it pretty easy but lately not. Could it be the stress for the last few weeks?
My nose is also blocked and it kills me, Not only no sense of smell but constant swelling of sinuses. it ia already 9 months waiting for CT scan eh

[Ponder]

Yes it could easily be that D. I only wish I was in a better state to console with you in a more positive light. I only just got back from the hospital. I was unable to do the waiting thing after being dismissed in the general demeanor that so often happens with the first greeting re the triage nurse. This post viral cough just seems to be getting worse. Anyways, I figure rather than stressing out any more than I was in the emergency waiting room that I would come back home and suffer some more until either a stage that I am nearly dead or I do in fact start to improve. The days whilst still tough are easier than the nights. Since I could see the sun was not far off rising, I figured I would have better relations with it, as opposed to further dismissals at the hand of interns.

Let's hope this feeling you have also takes a brighter turn. Yes it does get harder to keep the fire smoldering as our spark fades. Best we can do as fade out as peacefully as we can. Unlike the health care system we have today, we would do well to be more compassionate towards each other. Especially during those times we are struggling like so.

Have you made a follow up call regarding your CT scan? Given the length of time and if no followup, perhaps politely doing so might be at least help you to feel like something is being done. Smiles at the irony in that.

If you makes you feel any better ... I too am unable to breathe through my nose whilst making this post.

Wish me luck with lasting over the weekend - hopefully on Monday my GP can see me and if need be she can send me for a lung scan.

Take Care D

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

I did not go to the ER, I was instead taken by ambulance. Just got out of hospital with a real diagnoses of Pneumonia D. :( :( :( I think this marks 19 days of hard core suffering. Looks like I will have at least another 2 weeks ... hopefully no more than that. Is hard having to cope as it is. Lisa rang the hospital as I buckled under extreme stomach pain. I was about ready to pass out on the floor. I was running a fever of 38 with lower back pain and throbbing testicals once again. lol ... Not your average panic attack, but more the real thing. Anyways ... blood in the urine still and all that. Scans revealed no stones as was the 1st prognosis - The long standing viral cough however did reveal phenomena and the constant symptoms of that perhaps taking other areas of my body. Not sure really ... but of a mystery ... however the fucked up lungs and coughing is confirmed as pneumonia.

Another issues that might be related is the bathroom tiles coming apart in the shower leading to wet walls and water coming through on the carpet in the hall way and lead into some of the bedrooms. The plumber who came to look agreed we could not be in the house when renovations are to be done due to the toxicity, fumes and so on that are part and parcel of the rebuild. Lisa informed the owners I just got out of hospital with phenomenon and is currently getting a diagnoses herself, thus rejecting their offer of $50 off the rent and a portable shower. LMFAO at that. If they can't put us up for the length of repairs (estimated up to two weeks) ... then we are moving house. BUT only when I have fully recovered and found a house appropriate to our needs. Their offer alone has sealed the deal for me ... alas ... my better half will seek out the end solution and I will no doubt ride with that. For now ... I hate living in this house with wet walls and floors; especially now having pneumonia. Some people should not be allowed to rent house out.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I got this device I have to suck on to help open up my lungs to assist me in coughing up my guts. Apparently coughing is good for pneumonia ... yet ... coughing too much bloody well hurt and maybe why I got sore balls! I know it sucks living with fatigue ... I'm now certainly feeling for Lisa as I know fatigue is one of her biggest symptoms regarding MS. I sincerely hope Lisa does not have a full blown case of pneumonia ... that could be deadly with MS.

That's the update ... Wish I had better news.

Perhaps this was your bad feeling. hehehehee ... naaaaar ... all good. They pumped me up with fluids and IV antibiotics to give me a good start. I got more of the right meds to continue on at home. How the fuck one can heal in a hospital with all those alarms going off all the time is beyond me. I still have pain killers If I need them and like I say ... enough meds to see me though. My only issues may be just how toxic this house might be given the wet walls and floor re the fucked up bathroom tiles. Fuck this house ... I want out. I just hope I can heal in this fucked up place so I can have the strength to load up all the stuff I must. Remember I also have a house full of furniture in my shed for the charity we do ... I am going to need my strength to move both my stuff and all that.

It will be my pleasure though. Once lands lords start to get all tophy nosed ... I'm ready to move. Moving constantly is in my blood. I also welcome the need to throw shit out. Nothing like a move to help with things like that.

Wish me well D ... I wish you and all the others just the same.

Adios ... until next post. :)

[Dahila]

I wish you well. I had similar situation with constant coughing and not having fever, after suffering for few weeks the doc send me to do xrays and bum bum "walking puenmonia . she would never send me for xrays if I had no smoked then. The bitch was feeling that i do deserve lung cancer, It scared me enough to quit, which is good. On May 1 is going to be my 11 years of not smoking.
The thing is you not suppose to be in wet house having this disease, very dangerous disease. Take care of yourself, and yes with constant hard coughing you will have pain all over your body :( get well quick D

[Ponder]

I beleive it was May 15th when I was 38 that I gave up that filthy disgusting habit ... Now being 50 ... May 15th will mark 12 years for me! Smoking should be banned point blank. It's laughable that some countries ban various poisons yet still sell poisons such as tobacco and alcohol. The latter just as deadly and even more destructive than the former. In my book Society deserves to foot the bill when it comes to picking up the pieces whilst still prompting, exploiting and selling such poison. Alas, people turn a blind eye because they much prefer the instant pleasure that such brings and those selling simply make too much in profit and above that it is the choice method in which to pacify. So naive of those working in health care that when it comes to PTSD, they think only those serving in the armed forces suffer from mental instability. They care not to beleive that their own system of success creates the byproduct to which they are employed to heal. Kids ... little interns unhappy to sweep the floor wanting to be fully paid doctors before having learned. Sometimes I think they know just how insulting they can be. Cruel little fuckers they can be ... that is if you let them.

Is what it is D - People will always judge each other. Thankfully I was in way too much pain and suffering to react to the fumbling questions of those interns. In general all of them just treat humans more like circuit boards, judging them according to their responses. I have to come up with a better system of my own when it comes to the whole mental illness question period and also to my predisposition when being asked so many questions and of course when dealing with aforementioned insulting interns whether they're just assholes or not.

Fuck it is good to be out. Although grateful for being stabilized, healing is just not an option in such a toxic place. Quite an irony when you consider the role of a hospital ... is it not? All those different people changing over, prodding, pocking and repeating questions all with their own version of events and prognosis. The constant banging, buzzing, flashing lights, crying, chocking, laughing, babbling and on and on. Like I say; "fuck it's good to be out!" When I think of it like that ... imagine what it must be like to work in a place like that. No wonder the nursing staff and doctors make so many mistakes. Not only is the noise pollution and naive interns hard to endure ... but hospitals are also a deadly place to be because of so many mistakes that often take place.

Just google 'survival guide to staying in hospital (https://www.google.com.au/search?rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&ei=4bmrXJmPKJTRrQGbs5-YDg&q=survivavl+guide+to+staying+in+hospital&oq=survivavl+guide+to+staying+in+hospital&gs_l=psy-ab.3..33i22i29i30l2.324757.331163..331327...1.0..0 .257.6921.0j34j4......0....1..gws-wiz.......35i39j0i131j0j0i67j0i131i67j0i10j0i13j0i 22i30j0i13i5i30j0i8i13i30j0i13i30j0i22i10i30j33i21 j33i160.XA8KvwUaYDI)' POINT AND CASE!

Seriously for me ... I would do well to prepare a 101 quick starter guide on Mental Illness when being question on about my pension and why I am on it. That would solve a lot of the unnecessary judging and anxiety all round.

Best method over all is to avoid being sick ... but in this day and age ... I think that's being unrealistic. Best to work on a survival guide. :)

[Dahila]

We just had a conversation about it. My hubby and I, and we concluded that in Australia health care is as screwed as in Canada, Hospitals is necessary evil but you right the lights the noise the f*****n same questions....................eh

[Ponder]

Sigh - how can we change this tune D :) I so dearly need to. Don't get me wrong, I am loving the commiseration and greatly appreciate you being able to. :) I just feel we could both do with some inspiring news. I feel that dread you once mentioned is seriously coming my way. It's confirmed, Lisa is now dealing with Phenomena. Sadly things are also taking a bad turn in other areas of the family ... with many additional stresses I need not go into also taking place all at the same time. We may have to step in and become a party to an already long drawn out life sapping legal campaign. If and when that takes place I may then be able to talk more freely.

Right now though ... I'm hoping this medication I am taking will help me to help myself clear up my lungs. I think I start walking a little more tomorrow ... but not in direct sunlight.

I need to find a new hobby or rekindle an old one ... regardless of feeling so low ... I need to try.

* The kite idea is good - BUT - I don't like being at the whim of the wind.
* Astronomy I used to love ... but I am not so much a night person anymore as I really need my sleep. A solar telescope could be cool as I have seen some interesting Sun Videos? Not sure about it though ... seems limiting for my need to expand.
* Photography ... well I never ever got myself a full frame camera ... Just not sure if my desire for images could even be what it once was ... that said, I have always held onto a couple of cameras just in case.
* Video ... well that is something I could see myself getting more into and must admit I have never really allowed myself to delve into ... Not meaning V-log stuff ... But more random footage of just stuff.
* Bicycling ... hmmm ... might be on the cards. Need to regain my confidence and work out a system to avoid both pedestrian and vehicle traffic. Not sure. An upgrade to my 25 dolor junk bike would be good.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Rest well ... let's just do what we can to stay out of hospital in the mean time. :)

[Dahila]

I got it, what about photography but not the roads or building but birds, you would make me very happy, I love birds, I remember your macro pics on Flicr , maybe you should go back, Take it easy pneumonia is not joke it takes time to get back so gentle :) take care

[Ponder]

Yea ... just checked out how to recover from pneumonia (https://www.wikihow.com/Recover-From-Pneumonia) and your right. It's a serious illness. I just removed a friend for his tactless comment ... "Oh well ... it could be worse!" I was already thinking of breaking ranks from him as all he seems to do is pick the opposite side of the conversion just to rile me up. Don't ya just find people like that annoying? Blocked his phone number, Blocked Facebook but not before sending him a message to let him know I might say hi, if and when the next time we cross paths.

Thanks D - that might be worth investigating once I feel more up to walking. I might take a light stroll today to help open up the lungs. I'll think about taking one of my cameras with me.

Thanks again D :)

[Dahila]

you some people drive me crazy, One of the radical left just told me that I am very bad person bad personality and all other things, Unfriended, she is very toxic, Blames here life choices on everyone, and when you trying to show her where is the error she attacks, Now I have peace and quiet :)
Pneumonia is very serious and leaves like scars on your lungs, this is why recovery is so important. I kind of thinking that my smoking and constant pneumonia caused my COPD. eh well, bad choices on my part.
I would think that drinking some chicken broth or beef broth would give you the necessary protein in easy form. lightly cooked veggies are good very good actually. You need nutrition but the easy for your body to digest, A lot of rest no crazy running from one chore to another. I think your family should take easy on you too. Is Lisa ok?
Hydrate yourself and do not overwork, let your self to nap, I know it will ruin your night but when you sleepy it means that the body want you to slow down. I think in like 3 weeks you should completely recover. One of my friends is the third months in hospital with pneumonia, If he was not so sick they would kick him out of hospital
light food, light herbal teas (hydration) maybe light fruit and steemed veggies, I would not go high with starch veggies or rice

[Ponder]

Yea you understand then.

That sounds like great advice. Thanks D. After reading you I went up to the quick mart early this morning to grab muesli and an orange. I don't rate the muesli as healthy, but it's better than what I had on hand at the time. I'm 3 weeks into my illness and still feeling quite sick. I have 3 days of oral meds left.

That sounds hard core about your friend. Yes ... they don't keep you in hospital if you show the slightest sign that your improving. It must be bad and I hope things take a turn for the better sooner than later regarding your friend.

They did find something on my lung when doing scans but gave me that "we just not quite sure what it is ... " I'm sure I will come out the other end with some form of scaring given the amount of coughing and dry reaching and some throwing up I've been through over the weeks. At one point with every couch I felt like I had cracked ribs. Apparently google reports that has happened with some folk. Thankfully my bones are still quite dense.

I'll follow your advice for sure. Fresh fruits and veggies, (Low carbs) plenty of water and Chicken soup it is!!!
________________


OH ... Lisa seems to be fairing better than me (although has the cough and milder symptoms) which is a surprise ... but the doctor is treating her the same as me. Thanks for asking.

Hope you guys are doing OK?

[Dahila]

yep we are ok, Muesli is maybe not the best choice but it is tasty and provides a lot of fiber, you need the fiber.
They found something in my lungs and send me for the contrast CT scan, it came as scaring from chronic infections, It was not cancer, just scaring. Scars are caused after pneumonia . So do not worry yet. :) just wanted to tell you this so you do not get scared, We have a high sensitivity to any disease, whatever bothers the body influences are mind causing the fear; simple health anxiety.
I remember the last time I go pneumonia I was so week for weeks, You are going to get there ., Antibiotic makes you week too. So 3 days and you will start serious recovery. Good to hear that L. is kind of better :)

[Ponder]

Let's hope for the best hey :)

I was thinking about stand up paddle boarding but a little worried after watching the following vid:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VI2aAfPTMVM

[Ponder]

Well D - After some weeks of looking now, I have finally decided on a hobby. Not sure how Lisa is going to react as she tends not to have much confidence in my these days. It will be a completely new learning experience, but I think a very practical solution to a long time problem for me. SEWING! That's right. I'm going to learn to sew. More specifically, learn to make my own clothes. I am sick to death of not being able to find clothes that fit me properly. Other than the fact my waist line fluctuates, I struggle mostly with finding the right sized crutch and width to length ratio of both arms and legs. Other than not being of average height (whatever that is) My body proportions just never fit most of the standard wall mart variety and even then some of the more expensive shops also fail to fit my needs. I'm over having to roll up sleeves to make them fit as too with long pants and also sick of shorts that go past me knees.

I can say that living in a world bent on image that lack of proper fitting clothes equates to lack of confidence like a broken nose and busted teeth. But that's another story.http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/big-mouth-laughing-smiley-emoticon.gif

I joined two sewing forums, still awaiting approval to join. I found a sewing class in town but they specified the word 'WOMEN' so have already given up on that idea. Sadly there is a Stone Age Red Neck Rural Mentality in the coastal town where I live. Sigh! So much for equality in that. So yea ... I will just have to use YouTube and rely on the good will of others threw the online sewing world. I'd like to start more with some Men's Patterns on Shorts. Seems like men's patterns are not so easy to find or at least beginner ones. I'm also not finding much info on measuring up as most of the beginner talk does not seem to talk about the crutch or inner measurements. Just waist and a few other outer measurements.

Anyways ... this is not for forum for that kind of talk. None the less I am sure you get the idea. I also like the idea of making my own bags and perhaps sewing more heavier materials to create a more variety of 'things.' I actually think if I could crack how to make my own shorts and maybe even some longs + a few shirts, the idea of making my own threads is starting to sound pretty cool! I think it would be an awesome skill.

What do you think? At least I don't have to wait on the weather conditions, transport or rely on anyone else. :)

Hope this finds you well.

Adios ... until next post.

[Dahila]

do you have sewing machine. As soon as I was settled in Canada I got it and start to sew. at this time courdoy pants were so much trendy so I made for my daughter like 6 pairs, I made clothes for me and for her. Till the time is was easier to buy than to make. i learned how to make my own clothes at ripe age of 15 :)

[Ponder]

Sounds like it was a good experience D. Yes we have a sewing machine, however as I suspected my wife shot the idea down in flames. Not enough space, too much money, too difficult and so on. I think half those points stem from a personal dissatisfaction via her own experience and living in a family of seamstresses. By the time she finished with additional reasons as to why I should not toy with the idea, I protested some, but eventually gave in thinking about how much space I probably would need; given my extreme efforts when I do take on new hobbies.

OH WELL ... Back to the drawing board.

[Dahila]

She is right, today clothes is so cheap and you can find whatever you desire, Fabric is very expensive.......... should be the other way .

[Ponder]

BACK ON MY BIKE!
https://i.ibb.co/cCDmSbm/Back-on-My-Bike.jpg

No medicine left. Feeling like there is hope in site however according to the information I've obtained, I still have to take it easy with this pneumonia recovery phase. The things is, I am still coughing my guts up despite feeling a little better fatigue wise. Despite that fact, I feel if I have some strength/vitality, that it would be wise to use said energy; lest my body give way to sedentary living. So it was that today that I pumped up my tires and started peddling at an easy pace regardless of location depicted being uphill. This made for a good breeze at the final destination and for an even better ride for the return journey; a good thing for my recovery.

Generally I don't like taking my bike unless I have a reasonable amount of space with plenty of grass and lush green trees at my desired destination. The small urban spaces made available in high density zones are too close to busy roads for my liking. I am too sensitive to the noise and smell in those situations. This location seem to be at just the right distance from my house, with a challenging grade re the physical effort to pedal my way there. The layout of land is not flat, but I like the position of road side bench looking over the tops of the trees:

https://i.ibb.co/RNVsDn3/2-Water-tap-and-another-bench-seat.jpg


Note the wider angle view below:

https://i.ibb.co/t4Yw49p/3-Wide-view-exspsansive-for-medium-desnity.jpg

Whilst the upper roadside bench looks into the tree tops, I beleive the lower bench (lower tree line bike side) offers a more immersive view in front of the trees. I note the young sapling next to the bench that in a few years will no doubt provide shade. This tiny park land is in a newly built area. I question how long these benches will be here. For now it's good to know it's another spot I can ride to. It's position is high enough that its near line of site to the ocean which would make it good for short wave radio. Good airflow as well.

I did not walk down to the lower bench although considering it as a choice spot for simple meditation in front of the swaying trees. The grass was long and wet. Perhaps on a dryer morning:


https://i.ibb.co/g6YY1cc/4-swaying-trees-infront-of-lower-bench-seat-persepctive.jpg

[Ponder]

The only other thing to add to that, is that when I pull up in such areas, I generally take out my earbuds to appropriately take in the moment. Generally I do ride with earbuds in. These are NOT active noise canceling so I can still hear (a little) of what's going on around me. That said I am slowly doing deaf and have hearing aids that I don't use. My eyes are slowly starting to degrade but that's OK ... it's a natural process that as we age our bodies are not as effective as they once were. Of course our modern way of living and the choices we make can greatly add to such deterioration. Some of that we have a choice in and others we do not. Is what it is. Thankfully under brighter conditions I am still able to ride and drive without my glasses. I do however pause to think when looking at this image - just how much acceptance plays into healthy living. In this regard I am kind of enjoying this next phase of my life. Not long now D ... not long. :)

Bi/multi focals are my next order of business. The transitioning kind with polarization. Perhaps you could give me some tips what to look for in a set of mutlifocals D?

https://i.ibb.co/1TczjgX/5-glasses-and-ear-buds.jpg

[Ponder]

Took the car which I rarely do these days and visited a friend. After that I managed to do a little shopping sporting a new hat!

https://i.ibb.co/Jtyc1qY/New-Hat.jpg

Just going to research more on Stand Up Paddle Boarding AKA SUPing. Then hopefully have enough in me to just do the whipper snipping. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

[Dahila]

I use transisional, so they get dark on sun and light in house, In car they are in medium specturm. I use for the last 5 years Nikon lenses, High index, I think mine are 1.61 the lights at night are small and I can actually drive at night, I hate to do it in general. my last frame (very important) is Bugoise, light and very comfy an kind of trendy shape, I have another pair which is not that ligh, Bueberry the designer, It seem that frames are the key for me to fell comfy wearing them, I have a huge difference between the eyes and they are expensive, You may get a good qulity lenses for lest mine were like 560 . Designer frames a round 200. I am not a snob you know that but it seems that cheap frames from chine are uncomfy and awful . You will use them for two or three years, chose wisely. I have three vision distance, computer, and reading in my pair but this is typical for high index, Good luck D. I am glad you feel better

[Ponder]

Thanks D - Much appreciated. :)

[Ponder]

Did I tell you about the Mini Tramp/Rebounder I imported from the US? I researched the hell out of them I picked the cellerciser based on David Hall's exercise program. I could almost write my own book on why I did not go with the bungee cord option. Each have their pros and cons, but when it comes to the science, David Hall's method makes a lot of sense. The bungee cord variety look easy enough, however most people spend too much time in the air which results in less repetitions which is less effective. The deeper bounce is also reported to cause foot pronation which results in other complications and bla bla bla and bla. Remember when I said I am done with pumping iron ... I meant it. I'll look into some other forms of stretching exercises, keep walking and perhaps use my bike for aerobic conditioning, but using the mini tramp will be my main focus. I dabbled a little early on and despite falling ill (too much on the treadmill and other factors) -

I got to say it's something you can even do before bed without buzzing yourself out. I slept so soundly last time I tried. Currently my grandson has been using it at his house, since I have been too sick to use it. That changes now though. I will be dismantling his big one at my place, returning that one and taking back my mini trap! I won't tell you how much I paid for it! ... Many people claim the springs are noise but that's BS. It's amazing what a little quality oil and a pair of socks can do. I am able to exercise in the house without making any noise at all while everyone is asleep. The whole treadmill concept and various other machines are too big, too heavy and too loud. I wish I had found out about this kind of body cleansing technique ages ago. I would not of worn out my joints so unnecessarily so.

https://i.ibb.co/XjkSVNZ/minitramp.jpg

I got the Half Folding kind that fits easily into my car boot ... the even more expensive one is the Tri Folding version. I'm still using the balance bar to try some of the angle moves but once I master that, I'm right to remove the balance bar completely. The thing to note about David's Hall system is that it is far removed from the hyper extreme aerobics kind often sold with other rebounders. He does have some high intensity workouts, but it only makes up like 5% of his overall exercise focus. His method is rather progressive and forgiving. It leaves me feeling better than anything I have previously tried. That I already know from the few workouts I did before falling very sick. I'm on the mend now ... I'll wait another week before really hooking back into it, but the thing is ... you can use this device from a completely rehabilitation point of view. Many disabled people do. Anyways ... most people don't know about it, because it's that last thing the fitness industry want's people to know.

The guy is a bit eccentric, but then so am I. I have watched many of his video presentation and they are pretty much about the same thing ... bit of a brain-washy sales pitch like tony robins in many other vids compared to this ... but his explanation of how it works is spot on. Great for cleaning out the lymh system ... if unsure about springs (his being the best in the world) Vs Bungee ... He has a video about that in his website.

2019 updated vid:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6GFgNtbKoE

Actually I found the video (below link) where he dispels some of the myths proposed against the spring system as well as his version of how the bungee system does not work with his methodology. Yea ... his is Bias ... but I love the guys passion and he replied to my emails with about the same enthusiasm to sell his product and yadda yadda. The bungee system seems to play more into the club mentality compared to this guys still somewhat extroverted nature. You know how I am wary of the latter. Still though ... he makes a lot of sense and in the end I am really happy with my purchase as too that decision being the better option.
Cellerciser vs. Bungees (Bellicon) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-VNDNrw3Rk&feature=youtu.be)

Yea ... I know I am just as crazy :) I did all that research a whiles ago and more before buying his rebounder. It's an investment to be sure. I don't like buying crap when it comes to such things. Value for money over the long term counts when making purchases like that. You go cheap with those things and you can do more damage than good. He has more vids that go on about such things at his website.

OK ... I best chill out then gets some sleep. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Night Night .....

[Ponder]

This is even a better description of what it's all about. 10 minutes a day sounds ridiculous ... but then again so do some of the claims when you think how we have been taught to strain in order to gain. You can be sure I'll be doing a little more than 10 minutes and in other vid's he goes on to say that's fine if your able. Is more about 2 to 3 times of short bursts here and there throughout the day which is exactly what I need to keep off this damn thing. Anyways ... You can be sure I will show you D. It's going to be the core of my yet again ... recovery.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhUFsgKBHMs
Edit ... I'm not trying to sell this or in league with the seller ... I'm just excited about it!

It's ironic to think that Tony Robins actually bounces on one these things and despite me being repulsed by such salesmanship, I too am now jumping on one. It is what it is I guess.

OK ... now I am off to bed! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Dahila]

I see you slowly bouncing back,
I should add that when I chose glasses , they need to be light so not to press on my hearing aids, You do not wear them so you can go with any frame ;)

[Ponder]

If I had a set like yours I would ware them. :)

[Ponder]

He seems to be a natural at it. : )

https://i.ibb.co/vBDrYcH/minitramp.gif

Took the balance bars off it and now using it regularly. It really does help to wind me down before bed as too loosen my up during the day. Had a good morning - whilst on the bus today I considered the luggage rack on both sides of the bus towards the front. I rang one of the inflatable stand up paddle board companies today to get measurements on the backpack to a proposed board I am thinking about. I had to be sure that all the equipment such as pump and paddle all fitted into the bag and then wanted to know the overall weight (not just the board) ... adding to that they did not supply the measurements of pack. It's looks quite doable as the pack does indeed just look like a large backpack. We do tend to get a lot of backpackers in our neck of the woods:

(There where better boards ... but this one had the best backpack for my needs re the BUS - that said ... it's still a 12.6 foot cruiser (handle up to 485lbs!!!) board which is also perfect for the Bay area in which I live ... is a win win if I can get the local Bus company 'ON BOARD!' ... pardon the pun ; )

https://i.ibb.co/nDbpkg4/1.jpg
https://i.ibb.co/7bwNHfB/2.jpg
https://i.ibb.co/pW93KWs/3.jpg

Despite owning a car, I rarely get to use it! My wife is pretty much always running around in it taking our grandson to Kindy, OT therapy, and other appointments ... not to mention my youngest daughter always wanting us to run her around. I figure the least she could do is learn to catch a bloody bus like myself!!! Grrrr ... OK ... let's not go there. I will catch the Bus and if I can find a way to make the whole iSup thing work ... then no problem ... I'll make do myself. : )

My last part to the iSUP issue other than getting the local Busses on my side is to work out a way to fasten the backpack to the board itself. I figure the pack is to big and will over stretch the bungee cords .. instead I will use hooch cord (thin twine used for camping) to compress the backpack (with only pump in it) and use the D rings preferable on front of board. I just have to make sure doing so does not impact forward motion. Fastening to back of board will interfere with my stepping back to turn board. Hmmm ... I reckon I'll flatten and fold it just right to do the job in a way that does not impact my ride. Where there is a will there is a way.

Probably nothing to worry about, but it would seem different bus drivers have different opinions on zones, charging me different rates at different times. This too is something I have to take up with the local service center in person ... with my support worker who also agrees their has been conflicting fares from different drivers. One thing I struggle with is learning the rules and the way the system works only to find out other people run it differently. So it is that I want to know exactly what I can and cant carry onto the bus. That way I will have no anxiety if indeed the service center confirms I am permitted to carry such a pack onto the bus. If some disgruntled bus driver wants to make an issue out of it, I'll just produce a print out of the service reply. On the other hand ... if they reject my proposal ... then I am back to the drawing board.

OK ... Time for a little jumping on the mini tramp.

Adios ... until next post!

[Ponder]

Hey D - could you let me know if AF is loading slow your end or if you have noticed any thing out of the ordinary when loading up the forum? I think FB is conflicting again with the this site like it used to do. I clear me internet cache/data and can get back in, however it's still rather slow loading up varioius pages of the forum.

TY :)

[Dahila]

yesterday I got connection error , it was off line. Today it loaded fast for me

[Ponder]

Yep all good. I solved the connection error yesterday by cleaning out my data, however the same thing happened again after visiting FB. The slow connection happened all day - however like you say, it's also loading fast for me today. Thx for the feedback. ;)

[Ponder]

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Bad Day - Too Many People ... but letting go now.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Dahila]

I already had a technician in house, my connection was bad,

[Ponder]

Not much to say - I pulled over (and got off my bicycle) to enjoy the breeze as well as share the moment. I must go to bed early tonight ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
https://i.ibb.co/vdpZTZC/Cool-Breeze.jpg (https://ibb.co/HP6nbnL)

[Ponder]

Sal? CQ ... CQ ... CQDX this is VK D-A-V-E calling CQDX ...... anyone out there. :( ... - ..- .-. ..-- -. .--. .-- ... - CQ ... CQ ... CQDX this is VK D-A-V-E calling CQDX ... Sal are you there? :(

I hope your doing OK my friend, long time no hear? Thinking of you buddy. Perhaps you might get a kick out to the next video I share. I think it's a safe bet that D will enjoy it. I know I did.:)

I know he can be controversial at times, but what comedian isn't. I still miss him D. Before I watch Part 2 I link this:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPz6JKGlzSI

I'm sorry the forum is not so active these day. None the less we can be thankful it's still here.

[Ponder]

Learning to let go now would be a good start. Imagine how hard it is for those of us with anxiety. I found this very inserting and inspiring.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78SkTuk8Zd4&t=2893s

[Ponder]

Thinking of dropping a lot of my current supports as I think they are really designed to keep me sick. Complex story that one, but one I really want to let go of. Lately I have been full of so much frustration and despair yet trying to keep afloat with no energy to spare. Over thinking to the max ... that is for sure. Too much going on. I'm not in a state to explain. Attempting to do so would only make me feel worse. Before I can unload or let go ... there is a process I must go through. I wince at the thought of sitting and trying to think of nothing ... yet I know that would help very much. I keep saying I need to get off this thing yet here I am again ... then there is the mobile phone ... then the TV pretty much doing the same thing ... although I think it might serve at least for weaning my off this thing.

The phone is something I am supposed to keep by for all the appointment reminders, notifications, people ringing about more appointments and on and on. Hmmmmm ... The supports I have in place are too many ... is not a simple life ... feel like a fucking piece of meat being consumed by well meaning people who forget their place. The latter not so straight forward. Sigh ... I don't know. I think dial back the support, appointments and so on ... and stop thinking so much.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sounds like a plan.

[Ponder]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukTaodQfYRQ

[Ponder]

Journal Entry 26-04-2019: I think the title of this entry speaks for itself. That's not to say there are no pro's to Evidence Based Practices, but bare in mind their are plenty of cons to it, if like me you come up against people who peg your own efforts as less validated because it does not fit some a main stream model. For a better understanding to the meaning to the advantages and disadvantages of evidence based practices → Here! (https://study.com/academy/lesson/evidence-based-practice-advantages-disadvantages.html) Although you will have to join up and possible pay money to research all the more. LOL. Kind of plays into the futility of of main stream practice as always being limited. Anyways ... back to being my own audience and once again using the term journal to begin my ramblings. I was just thinking of a couple of individuals that would often say to me, "arrr but is that evidence based?" Often stated whenever I would make a claim that one way works better long term compared to another. I've a desire to climb back out of a deep hole and although talked about it many times, I find no reason not to keep plugging away at what I knows best for me. So in that ... I validate myself regardless of an inner resistance that seeks to keep down. I've got all the evidence I need.

My problem is working with community organisations and services that only act on and base their work instincts on statistical research results, when it comes to handling complex (radical) cases such as me. In this I have been banging my head against the wall when dealing with mental health professionals such as coordinators of varying kinds, support workers and all the public relations in between. I mention in a recent post how this was becoming too much and driving me insane. It is! I having another 'meeting' yet again - and again, and given the atypical language and manner of being treated according to a set model ... it's all starting to feel obligatory again. By again I am referring to the mutual obligations and high pressures of employment outcomes placed upon those receiving welfare 'Job Seekers' allowance/benefits. I feel like I have done a complete circle and once more wish to grab a petrol can and rope to go out dangling like an upside down lit wick! Suicidal thoughts have been somewhat passionate and romantic of late. Alas - The recent posting on death and meditation have been a good grounding for me. I am once again learning to embrace the rage. :)
_________________________

Hmmm - Yea ... that's was a fair assessment of how I am feeling of late. I dismissed my first NDIS support worker for his handling of me. I don't have time to go into that, except to say other than my own limitations and own that - I fear this system I have allowed myself to be in is just making things worse. At least until I can deal with the fact I am simply going to come across imperfect people and learn to live with it, in much the same way I propose that suffers should learn to live with what is, rather than adopt that fallacy of having cured or conquered the unconquerable. A world of illusions that keeps going round and round, yet knowing is not enough as here I am playing into its hands.

The following Pic - My local Medical Center/ Australia. A far cry from what I would call 1st World Service.
Basically, It's hard to ignore the 'true value' such medical practices place on the people there are servicing; dare I use the word serve. This day and age, humans have no real understanding of the word service in compassionate terms.

https://i.ibb.co/mX3ZFMm/Client-Value-1.jpg (https://ibb.co/k9tb6Wp)

I can't be bothered wasting my time linking this post to the medical board, but I am sure I have made a point with those few that read me well. LOL at evidence based when you consider this. This being the complacent model that undermines all else; when it comes to true worth. Not true self. Although the latter often affected by the reality of environment. Not enough people speak out against it, for fear of .....

I think what a joke! PFFFFT

https://i.ibb.co/ygTds16/Client-Value-2.jpg (https://ibb.co/ssSb3GK)

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ______________________________


The following a more memorable moment sitting on a friends balcony having coffee.

https://i.ibb.co/hyLRWn8/Coffee-on-friends-balcony.jpg (https://ibb.co/PNFZhbC)

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Back into a solid walking routine. Definitely feeling positive side effects of the transitioning night and day times when I go for my walks. Much better than popping the pills I was when going through the worst stages of pneumonia ... that's for sure. Glad that shit is over. Although I am still coughing up shit and can feel stuff cling to the walls of my chest. All the more reason to get moving. It's been a good return, although I am still listening to my body when it comes to feeling tired during the day. Balancing act between hydration and food choices for sure. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Early night tonight for sure.

No thinking out loud - other than that for today. At least not in here.

ZZZZzzz

[Ponder]

Journal Entry 30/04/2019: Currently I am staying in a holiday home whilst back at the other place the bathroom is being fixed. I smile to think of how it was expected that we just stay there while the dust, noise and fumes consume the house. Whilst this new place of residence is costing more than the rent we usually pay, we at least agreed on rent free whilst repairs are being done. If not for my wife, I would of much preferred to move out into something smaller and more appropriately located for all the traveling and appointments we often attend. I understand that moving is a bit much for my wife as her condition over time has slowly deteriorated. One would think the latter would or been enough for the owners to be more accommodating. None the less we battled as we typically do. If we just agreed, we would of been taking showers outside in the cold and living in dust, noise and fumes. Like I say, if not for my wife, I would of just walked on out. Who wants to live with landlords like that? Such is the reality of the worlds in which we all find ourselves in. Different colors, different strokes. Political speech has changed, yet still much is that same.


https://i.ibb.co/926Wy1p/Transitional.png



Just walked on out? Now there's a thought! Imagine living with just enough that you could simply throw your 'stuff' into a couple of boxes - Hey Presto! ... Your done!!! Reminds me of the days when I did as much with one large pack made just for my back. To be sure it was termed hardship, however I found the resistance to such being, a lot harsher than the ground on which I often slept. I slept on some pretty hard surfaces back then. :)

Indeed ... with this self reflection comes the realization of just how unwell I get when I sitting in one spot for too long. Of course this train of thought and the solution can be had no matter if living in one spot that is deemed 'Yours, Theirs, Others, Short and or Long Term, or even something as shallow as life long. Humans? How it is that we identify with such 'things?' Mine, Yours and so on.


Quote's for The Day

"I, a stranger and afraid; In a world I never made." A. E. Housman (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A._E._Housman)

“We do not "come into" this world; we come out of it ..." Alan W. Watts (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Watts)



One contrasts the other. One is fixated on the illusion that we are made and everything in the world are nothing but artifacts to which humans identify themselves - with. The other shatters that fantasy. Where do I see myself on this spectrum? Hmmm ... I am still struggling with insanity.

Adios ... until next post. :)

[Ponder]

Journal Entry 01/05/2019: A pinch and a punch for the 1st day of the month. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/fighting/face-punch.gif

Well actually no! Anything but. I'm going to give this Heart Mind Connection therapy a go. This is a good example where pharmaceutical and dependent skeptics would sling that term 'evidence based.' In that I have already rested my case; just felt it was a good example as how defense works. I'm now thinking of how defense often takes the form of a reflected source. I really need to step out of that ring as lately everywhere I go I seem to just keep seeing despair and bitterness. It's a really negative place to be and long term it turns into pure depression and hatred which then leads into all kinds of deeply felt pain. Can one really find grace in such places? Eckhart Tolle seems to think so ... BUT ... just because he says so in not enough for me. Gurus, who needs them; right? I don't mind gleaning, but try not to follow any of them. Club mentality is rife in a world of selling.

SO - how about this 'Heart Mind Connection.'

Think what you will ... but this explains it concisely minus a few trigger words for me:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=237WCALmJXQ

In unstable individuals I would reason that you can't put a time limit on how long the bubbly healing tingles last. I think that's true of any individual. You see I struggle with any marketing that includes a sales pitch on scientific research and various other buzz words/concepts and or influencing trigger terms. (Hook Line and Sinker) However ... that said, the well known Gaia T presenter Gregg Braden, is a scientist himself to which he regularly 'identifies' with. Yet he does so in a way that advocates the futility in cultural preconditioning and an agenda that seems to sell the pathway of shedding Ego. He also writes/talks a lot about Shamanism. I only know because I have been 'sussing' out this charter and many others like him for quite some time now. I don't easily fall to the way side with "OMG OMG I love you ... THANK YOU for your wondrous gift and la la and la! I sense these new wave types as overzealous Christians shedding their praises in a way that is to be seen and seen. Quite an Irony when you take in the essence of the message and then read comments with such exuberance. I know in many ways I am now doing it myself ... where does the Irony end. I guess we each play our part. For now I am still in the exsposed/ing stage.

One practical comment that stood out that sums up the

Method Behind the Sanity:

1. Connect & Feel from your Heart, by physically touching your chest.

2. Relax your Breathing to allow your Body/Mind to accept and heal.

3. Focus on 4 Emotions:• Caring (https://www.google.com.au/search?q=caring+def&rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&oq=caring+def&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.1367j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8)• Appreciation (https://www.google.com.au/search?rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&ei=pa_IXKy2OJL_9QOa65KYCA&q=appreciation+def&oq=appreciation+def&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0i131i70i249j0l9.981.1591..1724...0.0..0.218 .598.0j2j1......0....1..gws-wiz.......0i71j0i67j0i131i67j0i131.Zh4BYdc44Ow)• Gratitude (https://www.google.com.au/search?rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&ei=nK_IXMmZBZvorQHD0KzoAw&q=gratitude+definition&oq=Gratitude+def&gs_l=psy-ab.1.0.0i131i70i249j0i20i263j0l8.1123343.1125470.. 1126754...0.0..0.343.2021.0j2j6j1......0....1..gws-wiz.......0i13i70i249j0i13j0i7i10i30j0i7i30j0i10.k Y237MDaXD4)• Compassion (https://www.google.com.au/search?q=compassion+def&rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&oq=compassion+def&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.6063j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8)


To Review:

- Feel From Heart.

- Relax Your Breathe.

- Focus on Caring, Appreciation, Gratitude & Compassion.
__________________________________________________ ________

I actually had to look up the difference in the terms. I found the similarities in each word made it hard for me to get a deep connection with each.

In my own summery of what I have just posted - I have admitted still being in a heightened state of anxiety with a mind that picks up easily on many triggers. More so clings and struggles letting go with a cynicism that encompass most of the rage and hate I sense in others. I struggle with the concept of reflection, however am open to the benefit of Meta Mediation which is all just another concept of what Gregg Braden is selling with his presentation on the Hart Mind connection. It is the world in which we live that is based on selling that is driving me crazy ... among other things. If anything though, that makes practicing the art of intuition all the more appropriate for a broken individual like me ... whoever that is.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

For those that can't find anything to watch - A full Documentary on the Secret of Water. I finished watching the one on Gaia TV and thought it was very well done. I searched and searched, however could only find an updated version. The title on the youtube doco I do not beleive is correct ... but no big deal. The 2015 version is called 'Secret of Water' (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3952638/) and rated more as a movie/doco ... not sure about the 2017 version, however much of the footage from the 2015 is present and much of the message is the same.

A very good watch that will leave you thinking what an extraordinary thing as well as questioning why it is that we continue on as we do:

FULL DOCUMENTARY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IM2TL7SRYU0
AWESOME DOCO ... worth the watch. I am paying to watch this kind of thing on Gaia ... is how I originally found it and why I am sharing. I'll keep looking for others and link when I find them. Generally most of the stuff on Gaia is not fully available ... just snippets. Therefore this is just another good find. I hope you enjoy.

Until next post.

[Ponder]

Journal Entry 04/05/2019: I've been doing well from an active point of view. Hopping to keep up the walk/jog/walk/jog and early morning starts. I've been offsetting that with a lot of walking. Both routinely orientated and commuting. Today would be a good one to relax with the mini tramp. Admittedly this is probably the hardest reset/comeback/off & on return to physical and mental health I have experienced.

I don't think the most stable of us can exist continuously on one level at any rate. I've read and tend to agree this is the problem with the current medical model not to mention most other facets of society. It seems we are always taking something or other to counteract this and that, in a futile attempt to reach a single state of being; yearning for a deluded sense of bliss and prosperity. Perhaps more a perspective for well being snobs. I chuckle to think how my own stereotyping also plays into the chaos. Typically the case for the majority is trying to live pain free in a world that thrives on the creation of suffering. I have come to beleive there really is no such thing as a pain free life and to expect is akin to being sheep. No doubt the concept sells well. Just create conflict and fear, then produce the antidote for just the right price. Works from mainstream marketing right down to social media. Acceptance really does seem to be key. But how to live with such toxicity?

Yadda Yadda - OK - I just talk about my struggle with 'Integrating Back Into Society:'

Such a clinical term, but often used in western culture when dealing with Welfare Rejects. AKA - Long Term Unemployed. Man, if only some of us at the bottom had it in us to write effective books. Although I think we already have too many and when it comes to solutions that require effort - no one really seems interested.

So there I am standing outside a local grocery store. Although it was quite busy, I was standing in a space relativity free, munching on a bag of spinach leaves waiting for a friend currently inside purchasing his things. Out of no where comes this almighty cry, "YOU FUCKING MURDERING RAPIST FAGGOT!!!" Still munching on my spinach leaves I turn 180 degrees to spot an individual of aboriginal decent riding on his extra large BMX bicycle. Interestingly he had no helmet and looked to be about my age; 50 ... although I look 60. Perhaps he was 30? He was looking to his right and left as he continued to bellow out the words ""YOU FUCKING MURDERING RAPIST FAGGOT!!!"

I thought it not supersizing that most people where NOT looking directly at him. I just continued watching him as I grabbed another hand full of spinach. As soon as we both made eye contact he once again gave an almighty cry "DO YOU EVEN COME FROM HERVEY BAY" ... a two second pause ... "WHERE DO YOU COME FROM" As he rounded the corner directly leading to me, I turned once more keeping eye contact knowing there was only two ways this was going to end. I was fighting back a few of my own intrusive thoughts; but figured silence would win out in the end. The best I could muster was psychic intent that he could do as he pleased.

Then just as he mounted the disabled ramp and more spinach leaves reached my mouth, he quietly & calmly says "Your alright mate, your not a murdering rapist faggot." With my spinach now almost finished, I turn for the last time to watch, as he passed right by my side. Before I notice him pulling up at a public phone box, I then notice a young girl fighting back her laughter who no doubt seen the full episode. I think I was more derailed by the girls laughter, but then contemplated if I should ask this 50 Y/o BMX rider if he was OK? Then my friend who was still shopping suddenly appeared, so instead I decided I would be off and told him the story I just told you.
____________________________________________

That was just the start to a really weird day. In the end I was happy that my new hat had me looking like a tourist. It's exactly why I bought it. Generally since wearing it, I have been getting a lot more hellos whilst out on the sidewalk.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Journal Entry 05/05/2019: - 08:04 AM: Whatever way you look at it, whether it be from the balcony of a palace or the slums of the gutters; the world we have co-created is a toxic place. The divisions within society all have their own specific ways to avoiding it. Yet much of the theory, philosophy, ideals and concepts that each subscribes to just seem to play into the madness. What to do? Unsubscribe? Go Bush? Now there's a thought! Although that sudden change tends to also drive people insane. Transition seems to be key.

I remembering writing about the importance in transition when it came to my efforts in healing and stability. Lately since watching the documentary on WATER I can't help but also think of the TRANSMISSION. More in terms of transmitting and transference. How easily emotions spread. Sometimes its sudden and other times it's residual. The residual capable of penetrating those of us that think we are invincible. Understanding how emotion affects on the biological level makes for a good cased to master them. (I ponder how insightful 'Vulcan' Philosophy may be :) ) Intention however is the catalyst to where most people end up before they even begin. This being where I struggle the most with how I see people selling New Age philosophy. This comes from a context of someone who also does not accept religion. Whilst I glean from it like I do anything, I find relgion more a mechanism for mass control despite many of it's 'worshipers' meaning well. Those few who seem unaffected and go on to live non judgmental lives help me see the rituals, robes and hierarchy differently. But that's a very complex breakdown I would struggle to put into words. Despite myself having issues with the bigger picture, there are those who live within those toxic systems that are open and nonjudgmental. Genuine people who just want everyone to get along like them. If only we could find more like them. hmmm ... Making connections with these people is still not easy.

Best I can think in those terms is more a case that we do our best to become like them. Then ... maybe then connections will come into play. When I say connection, I don't mean like become best buddies and go out for tea or join some club. Just a simple acknowledgement whilst passing will do. When coming from an unstable state of being (especially a long term cycle/stint) and moving about in public for the first time with the intention to be seen - now that's tricky stuff! What do I mean by ... 'be seen' ... I just mean go out without being scared, self doubting and all that kind of thing.

Anyone can claim they go out in public - but when I take a good look around in the most objective manner I can ... whilst I am seeing more genuine people (resultant from my efforts to be more uplifted - ['raise my vibration' / excuse the hype with that term]) I am still seeing a lot of depressed and bitter people. But to be out in public and not react, be pompous, look vain, be loud, appear small, cringe, feel cramped or not to run or look for an escape.

It's not so easy when you have spent so much time hiding at home. But that's OK because I understand it well. Going outside regardless of one's state of being is not a pleasurable experience the way things are this day and age. Public places take on their own identities. They tend too can be too loud, overactive, pompous, assuming, and overly vain/image orientated. Is it any wonder we want to stay at home. Going to the shops can take some of us several days to recover before going out once more to 'get supplies.'

Yet - if I can understand this take, then why the fuck am I bothering? Well - whilst I don't 'feel' society is not going to survive and disagree with any kind of possy wossy shift taking place (extinction shift maybe) - I am into 'suffering less' and don't want to hate or feel bitter. I really wish I could feel love, give love and be loved. In that I also desire a more slower burning log. One whose light glows more softly, regardless if the world must rage on as it does. In order that I don't suffocate, I find getting out of the house does indeed help. Learning where to go and how to get there can be done. It's just that my focus is more towards the sun and nature as it's always been. Picking out small spaces with not so many people or even better ... larger spaces with no people. Yet I know just how important it is that we all learn to get along. Is a hard task when you can see so clearly how the cards are stacked against that.

Idealism, Patriotism, Nationalism and Religion have been embedded deeply into each and everyone of us from the moment we are born. All of those controlling mechanisms for the greater part, have spawn what in known as Separatism. Separatism divides and isolates. It's a more efficient method to separate parts when dealing with complexity and expanding numbers/people. I think it's mankind's mindset to creating it's own fractal pattern that whilst it seemingly mimics natures intrinsic design, the outcome is the complete opposite. Waking up to how thing are working on this planet, learning how we have been controlled and knowing why we are so limited ... That process is not some whimsical fan forced new age awe inspiring experience ... it's a stage of spiritual depression that requires something I am still struggling to find.

This be why - I feel this latest cycle for me is taking longer - to 'right my boat' compared to my previous attempts. That said, I do feel like I am learning more each time I fall into sheepish patterns, based on all the previously mentioned methods of 'preconditioning.'
__________________________________________________ _______

OK - Time to come up for air. Eating has been gong very well. Not easy - but rather clean. Feels good when accomplishing little goals - but more so because I am buying into the end result as having previously experienced what is was like to be clean. Perhaps then I will be less depressed when it comes to walking out my door.

Adios ... until next post.

[omoplata]

The documentary about water was very interesting as is your journal. What happened to this forum? Did everyone suddenly get cured? or migrate somewhere else?

[Ponder]

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/lol/running-lol.gif Holly crap ... someone actually posted! Forgive me friend. I'm not used to people passing by. It's a very nice surprise. TY.

I'm glad you liked the documentary on water. I've always been an advocate for cleaner water. That doco showed me there's a lot more than what I thought there was, to making clean water.


About The Forum:
Yea ... People used to post a LOT about having found or seeking some special cure. It's interesting that you used that word. Thanks for the laugh. For whatever reason, many think this is a place only to come if they are not doing well. Perhaps my continued effort being here during periods I was doing well was too much for most? I left the forum for a few months in the past hoping that if I was not here things would pick up. I've done that about twice now and still ... No Go. Forum is still rather inactive. Yet some people do read. That seems enough for me.

The forum is different to others and unique in many ways. Ways I feel that main stream preconditioned sufferers do not like.

Just My 2 Cents: - Theory - Clutching @ Straws?
1. No Moderators means this is a Self Moderated Forum. Less appealing for those members who only like to join to wave a stick and wear a special kind of hat. Having said that I now questions the style of one I just bought. Although not quite the same I think the point stands. It's a bit like some people who only have kids, or walk a dog, just to wave their hands and set the rules. God knows we see enough of those in online forums.

2. CONTENT - Perhaps not enough DRAMA. Due to no moderation - agendas are open to be picked apart and when the those less favored start to make a point - the populous begin to move on in search of a more drama filled forum. The is another fine lady who similar to me, could not tolerate too much BS. HI D! Although not always here, D does pop in from time to time or simply just reads. But Hey ... it's not about me or any other member who objects to this or that. It is and it is not. It's just a theory. BS is popular - but without moderation it's a LOT harder to sustain when others passionate for the truth and have no room for bubble and froth are unable to be silenced? Maybe its just because there were too many old farts left babbling in the corner speaking out about this and that. The world is surely screwed when it comes to all those clingy pop/cultured skin deep topics that incite Hollywood Drama ... even the old are still clingy and full of just as much shit. Again it is not about the young or old, but more the need for categories and like wise groups.

3. The Admin/Forum Creators perhaps not advertising as they once did? Perhaps they are not reading?
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I am just clutching at straws and can only guess. I don't want to get all negative about it and welcome the option to have myself removed if indeed number 2 above, is more the reason. For now - I just continue as I do and as I have always done. I myself have tried moving on, but kind missed the space or freedom that I have found here. I have made a few blog posts elsewhere and whilst it did seem more like a void, and I lacked the confidence to feel like a 'real writer' (whatever that is) - Thus I kept coming back, where I finally decided to accept → 'To hell with it, I'll keep writing here till I am either removed or the forum suddenly disappears!' I'm also of the thinking that I would of by then become a more proficient writer where I could then write a dozen books. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif

Srry - OK ... I think this post will do. To wrap up. Very nice to meet you. Thank You very much for popping in. I do encourage you to post whatever, wherever, anytime you wish. The space this place offers and the freedoms here are quite unique. In hindsight of my own post, perhaps that void I struggle with elsewhere is what most main streamers struggle with when coming here. Each to their own.

I do wish the place was more active, but I myself do not require it. I rather try not to think about it as I'm sticking with my vow to write as I write - what happen happens.

Once again ... feel free to post about whatever. I am happy to engage. If your after something more active, I fully understand. I mean not to judge, yet propose that we are all hypocrites. Guilty as charged. :)

[Dahila]

still reading, I do not feel good enough to post, Forgive me D, please

[Ponder]

Totally understand. Sending warmest thoughts your way.

[omoplata]

Thanks for explaining what has happened on this forum. I remember when this place crazy busy. I would just pass through and just to see what people had to say. I enjoyed reading posts from enduronman, jessed03 and even panicured...haha. But I guess like in life things change. Now I do enjoy your posts so keep on writing because people do read what you write. And I'm sure that I'm not the only one. Please to meet you and thanks for keeping this forum going.

[Dahila]

Jessed is fine but he is not longer on forum or fb , he is living his life. I still have contact with some of people I had met here, :)

[Ponder]

I'm glad you popped by omoplata. I also miss the gang ... even panicured :) I enjoyed the peace making process with some of the falling out episodes. Not that I meant to disagree for the sake of making up. lol. I guess that is another addictions of sorts. arrr what a world we live in. Yea life goes on. Me being older than I am, I guess I am just looking to stay long at each camp. Getting a bit slow to move on these days despite very much preferring to live the gypsy lifestyle myself. Of course not meaning AF Gypsy. I do hope as I do with the others the Gypsy is also doing OK? Your right though ... people come and go as well as move on. I'm thankful for the ongoing contact I have as well as those like yourself that come back from time to time.

[Ponder]

Journal Entry 08/05/2019: I was busted eating a fatty breakfast just the other morning: http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/shocked/phone-shock-smiley-emoticon.gif

https://i.ibb.co/23HTzGg/Busted-Eaty-a-Fatty-Breaakfast.jpg

Everything on that plate is designed to give me a heart attack. But #*@% it went down well!!! Like I said ... "Guilty as charged!"

Thankfully I have pulled up well and even things out since then. The medical center did call me in though as the doc was concerned about test results since re my recent hospital stay. I was sent off to the blood taking place (can't think of the right name - brain fog also escalating for me these days) with 4 jars, and a request for another jab + a script which I just reminded myself I must take tonight. I wont go into details except to say I really hate this getting old in 2019. I think I would care less if it was a hundred years ago, as in having nothing to compare it to would mean, I don't have to act all over the moon re BS modern tech. Once again the lady sticking the needle is was rather patronizing. Not meaning to repeat myself but as you might of seen the photos I recently posted; re the waiting seats in the medical center being the current state of things. I wish I could be more cheerful D - but I have to be honest and tell you I really hate the conveyor belt medical visits no matter what facility it be.

Sigh ... yea yea. I'm not buying this whole thing about striving to live longer. I wonder if you know what I mean D?

On a good note ... I am actually not in much pain. I am breaking out more with a buttery rash + burning on my face when I eat shit like in the above photo, however am able to counter it with remedies that you actually taught me a few years ago D. Of course I find getting the eating, sleep and stress/thoughts/thinking/attitude right is way better for the prevention of such epidermal breakouts. It's worse in the winter but hey ... that's life. Good to know a few tricks so I can avoid the medical centre and consequently pharmaceuticals. Sadly the doc wants me to try some steroid cream. She means well and to be honest she respects me plenty and I like to think I am returning the effort. She has in fact helped me more than a few times now. It took a bit of work having support workers and my therapist come on board to helping the doctor understand me better. It's all the inbetweens where I am losing my ability to hold it together ... the fast talking, fake niceties and well yea ... I'll say it again ... the patronizing way in which I see not just myself, but also see others being treated. What's worse is taking a look around and seeing 99.9999% act like sheep. That too me, ails me more than whatever mystery conditions I may or may not have.

Bla ... I think I am just on the conveyor belt too many times than I would like. Perhaps if I can fluke it and get like a whole year off seeing any of them, then perhaps I can afford to be all tolerant like and act as if I have it all together then. You know ... smile and pretend like that rest. Sigh.

I don't know. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I do hope though ... that this finds you well. Anyone is welcome to come on in and have a good bitch just like I have done.

Night night. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Dahila]

yeah seeing the pic made me hungry like hell. I hate tests and my dock needs to know what is going on, So I had test for proteins work. Something is high but they called telling me that is probably from my COPD. this Friday I have doc's appointment, I am already stressed even in new doc office I had never waited longer than 10 minutes.
Rushes, you know how I hate steroids but in my condition I need to have it, you can use it for few days, believe me it will not kill you. I was on prednisone; remeber, the worst thing ever, but life saving. Yesterday I got upset in pharmacy, the fucken goverment put tax 13% on Epi-pen it is life saving for me and tons of other people. I m not happy with what is going on
I am happy you are better :)

[Ponder]

I just read up on COPD (https://www.google.com.au/search?q=medical+what+is+copd&rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&oq=medical+what+is+COPD&aqs=chrome.0.0l5.13070j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8). Do you have the bronchitis kind or the Emphysema kind? That is if I have googled correctly? Whatever the case I certainly wish you the best course of action that can be head as well as pain free breathing. Glad to hear the steroid cream wont kill me. :) Srry to hear about the 13% price hike on something so critical. Lisa's 'seven pills' (yearly course of no more than 7-9 pills) for her condition of Multiple Sclerosis cost the local chemist $50000:00 (Fifty Thousand Dollars!!!) That's right, 50 grands for 7-9 pills. Thankfully she is able to get a rebate. I don't beleive any kind of reason can be given to justify those kinds of prices. Sadly those in the profession or those with family in it, do try. It's the same with healthy food. Anything that is good for you is charged at a much higher price. Anything that can save your life ... well ... you already told that story.

What's on for today. I might go take some photos - try and find something to do that I enjoy. It might even be time to jump back into the digital world, however I have done so well getting out into the real one of late. That said, other than getting some sun light and what's left of fresh air, I am really not seeing anything of worth ... to stay afloat. Hmmmm - I might do a bit of both ... digital world for fun, basic real world exposure for basic health.

Thanks for your reply D. Is good to hear form you again.

[Dahila]

Emphysema type, it is not reversible and it means that my lungs are not working the way they should. They are damaged but i am sure I will live with it to the end of my life. ;)
The prices on medication are ridicules, especially life saving meds. We know that the rich one are feeding on vulnerable people and suffering
I am binge watching Lucifer the 4 season, I have left 6 episodes and I am going to bed now till next time

[Ponder]

I read something about scarring on the lungs with that one too. You seem to of been through it all D - [Sending you a Respectful Hug] I share some pics I took today. Just random shots whilst out walking with Lisa. Lisa has been in a lot of pain herself these last few days. I'm calling this one 'Time Out.' More the positive kind were we make the effort to actually get up and get outside. Lisa also struggle with getting out. Where mine is more mental, Lisa's is mostly psychical. That said, depression and procrastination run deep in permanent and long term debilitating conditions. Despite the pain, I feel there was a sense of peace present whilst down at the waters edge. To be sure tensions grew once we ventured back towards home. I think we just make more effort to keep going out and foster the residual that is to be had:

https://i.ibb.co/4PX7cNd/Time-Out.jpg


Just a random shot of the only subject I could see on the water ... way out of range for my 200mm lens. I had to use digital zoom ... but still ... it's an image to be shared. I only wish I could own such a boat. I just look at the pic an imagine it so. I'll perhaps settle for an inflatable rubber ducky soon enough. I would be mad enough to do so and if I ever do ... I'll be sure to share that as well. : )

https://i.ibb.co/Zgp2Jzg/Small-yacht-towing-inflatable-dingy.jpg


This next one would be my pic of the bunch. It was a telephoto shot taken from my hip. I saw them looking my way, so I shot this one just after reviewing the boat. I know the tree well as it's one I have photographed Osprey Eagles in. I admit I erased a few branches and as you can tell, I also put on a paint filter. I do much prefer to filter out some of my more 'connected human photos' ... I find removing the individual/identity in such photos gives them more meaning for me. Lisa often has a hard time with why I do that ... and whilst for telephoto poor quality shots it's a good way to save face (so to speak - in reference to pixel snobs) I really am more about the subject matter. I have tried before to do art - and if I ever go back to it ... this kind of photography of people and using filters is a great way to come up with ideas. In the mean time ... I think I might return to capturing like images. I think more about that. It takes confidence and also ... hmmm ... the right attitude to pull off photographing people like so. I don't like to get up close like street photographers, but I do enjoy imaging people like in the same manner as wild life photographers. I suspect you have heard this spiel before. : )

https://i.ibb.co/dkJ3cnN/Low-Tide-Stroll.jpg




This last one ... well I am not sure what to call it actually. We were driving up the road. I was in the passenger side with camera in hand ... just clicking away to see what might pop out in front of me. Bingo!!!
I think I will respectfully call it 'Tiptoe through the tulips' - Or plainly 'Tiptoe Across The Road!'

https://i.ibb.co/0Y4BV9v/Tiptoe-Across-the-Road.jpg

I do so hope the last one brought about some comic relief. Lisa would not let me post that on my fb wall, as she ribbed me for laughing so hard whilst I was editing it. It's a blurry photo, but I could not help but include it. I mean like I do much prefer the family walking at low tide soaking up the fresh air, compared to this family all sucking on cigarettes and unsure about their next step. I best log off before I fall out of this chair. I mean not to sound so bigoted. Hell I use to live like these people myself many years ago ... it's why I can't stop laughing when I look at it. Humans ...

I mean like I can't talk ... I have psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. It's been like six months the last time I seen him. He is like the only one in the town that is government subbed. I hope we are near the end of this ongoing diagnoses. I wonder what his take is going to be. : ) I no longer know ... too many sub labels for me. That's the reason my therapist suggested going to see him. I fear the increased periods between visits has somehow muddled his ability to diagnose. I am a little frustrated with that ... but no sense getting riled. I can always toss his opinion to the side if it does not gell with me. My therapist whom I trust has a pretty good take on me. I am yet to meet a drug pusher that has ever been able to peg me. We shall see.

Hope some of the pics resonated. Understand if I am the only one that laughed at the last one. All good.

Night night ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

For me, this was a 'surprisingly' excellent watch. (I struggle with the motivational prompting of such presenters. Reminds too much of evangelism ... the human race would do well to change that tact too) None the less, for me this discussion/presentation does a good job at putting to rest mainstream dogma in the classroom. This is why people need to unlearn and start educating themselves once they come out of school:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whKrENfkMEM&t=5799s

I think I can now sleep. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Journal Entry 10/05/2019: Pros & Cons of Above Presentation. Connectivity Vs Brainwashing! Herein lays the danger of a coordinated mass opening of minds. More so the lack of acknowledgment to the cons given within the example (conspiracy) in the closing of Gregg Braden - Deep Truth: Igniting the Memory of Our Origin, History, Destiny & Fate. I whole hardheartedly agree that the example of 9/11, is a good one when it comes to highlighting the sense of world wide 'emotional impact' of one sort or another. However failure to mention in the slightest the speculation,suspicion,skepticism regarding the deception that was rife within that 9/11 'crisis' should set of alarm bells with the evangelistic style of presentation been given here. Especially when it comes to the opening up of minds.

I get the benefit to be had with mass mind melding, (whenever 3 are gathered in my name type of thing/same thing) however if intention is the catalyst for the end result, then I feel acknowledgement must be given to the dangers of such modalities being encouraged and taught here. Despite dozing off whilst listening to the closing phase of this presentation, it was exactly that lack of acknowledgement and the example with 9/11 given that raised alarm bells for me. I came out of my slumber knowing that something was off at the end of this lecture. This morning I ponder on just how twisted and complex the journey is of these so called new discoveries, exposures, concepts and theories really are and still remain skeptical and indeed open minded towards all of the current pro and con/conspiracies. Best I can say for now, something was off with the closing phase of this presentation for me. That is what my heart is telling me. Bad example, yet it kind of revealed something I am not sensing right within the Gaia Movement. This mass opening of minds for all the proposed intent ... is off when you consider the style of delivery and again ... failure to acknowledge world deception. (...only when it suits) But of course ... in that light of the mass opening of minds, deception would be the last thing to speak about as any form of doubt would derail the attempt to open up. Like I said ... it's complex stuff. Kind of like, damned if you do, damned if you don't.

For now, my heart brain connection is still like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, and so on. Something was off with the ending of that presentation. Bell continues to ring.

PS - On another note, I also agree with other comments that there is also a sense of discomfort and sordid feeling re the camera footage during presentation did not allow us to see the slide show presentation. Such antics just continues to play into the warning bells. How money and books play into the selling of these concepts where that is more important than any message given. Gaia TV is rife with such club mentality regardless of its conflicting documentaries and dare I say, rivalries. Yet I still watch. Is just a pot for people to create their own worlds. Just be careful how you open your own pot.

[Ponder]

Journal Entry 10/05/2019: 24 hours deep into researching a New Game. I did say I was looking for a new digital reality to escape into. My timing could not be better. It just so happened my World of Tanks Buddy was also itching to find a new game. He found one and since leaving me with a few vids to check it out, I've been lost in sporadic research for two days. Only just coming up for air now but can see I best be getting to bed. Thankfully I have still been getting up in the mornings with tonight being a late one. To be fair, one morning off will not kill me. I have earned a good rest and recovery.

OK ... just quickly. The psychiatrist was itching to give me some medication. I was rather erratic and now betting Adult ADHD will be sown into his long list of defects. lol - I mean Diagnosis. I wanted to give him some hope in treating me so gave in after some objections by saying "You got anything that does not make me fat?" - We ended up going for the DIAZEPAM aka Valium. I did not mind so much because it's just something I can use when having a hard time dealing with stuff. I have to admit I have been struggling of late. Whilst I still have endome left for the previous episode of actually medical conditions and their related pain ... I guess it's good to have something on hand that's actually been prescribed for panic attacks. So it's come to this hey. Crazy Dave finally giving in to the meds.

The shrink (excuse my cynicism as I will admit he is trying as he only knows how) from Lisa's point of view would not be giving them to me if he did not trust me. (as in apparently this particular doc is not heavily into meds) He knows I am not big on them at any rate. More a case of him seeing me in a bit of a state I think and gauging me from what he knows of me. Whilst I did want to appease him with playing into his own apparent wish to prescribe ... I am content to have them on hand as I am just over trying to cope in society doing it the hard core way. That said, after taking only HALF a 5 mg tablet, I could not beleive how after 20 minutes I was feeling 'almost' on the nod. Super Sensitive Dave!!! I typcally suffer all the side affects as well. This doc was surprised when I told him how seroquel/quetiapine affected me in the long run, but I really don't think he is as much in the know if he can't admit it's not for everyone. I listed several other drugs to let him know I had experience with what I was talking about. That's how we ended up settling for Diazepam as better than nothing. In that I will give him credit for trying to do his job.

Without a doubt I could make half a tab seem like nothing if I abuse it ... "Pffft that does nothing!" Spoken like a true addict or someone that's become too reliant. "Oh but I take 800mg!!!" (if your taking 800mg - No Offense ... this is just my story! Mores the power to you if you wish to keep taking 800mg I can respect and understand that.) But for now ... like I say ... FUCK IT ... I will take when my mind is either in runaway train mode and or raging with intrusive thoughts, but not going to allow myself to become reliant. There is 50 Tablets in the bottle and I see half a once working well for day time use on those occasions I want to tackle something new or just don't want others to support me. I am yet to do a solo bus trip - so might experiment using half a pill to see if in fact it does lower my anxiety. The trick is to use it a few times where I then get used to the actual act (public transport or just dealing with public stuff [where people just treat everyone the same with no regard for an individuals limitation) that freaks me out (too much info to remember and so on - still don't know my own phone number ... it's not just all about acting out. I have legit traits that make it hard as well - BUT - the anxiety does make it a lot worse. Last thing I want is to become reliant though. I will post on how I go with self medicating with balance in mind.

It takes me a bit to clear the fog and keep up with my exercise (when taking meds which is why I try to avoid them at all cost) to which although I have once sore starting out muscles ... I am on a pretty good wicket with my recent psychical efforts and not going to let the be wasted by stopping or allowing my progress to be fragmented via 'too much' medication use. Oh Yea ... HUNGER when taking those pills is also something that is hard. I fucking ate like a horse a few hours after taking half a one of those. I'll be watching that for sure. Will just have to keep drinking water and time my meals combined with stressful activities/plans/goals re the use of medication/self pacification. I say self in the context of acceptance. I see how I go. I need to get a grip as if I do this right ... my wife can get a sigh of relief. :) Bless her soul ... she has done so well putting up with me. I would say I her as well, but lord help me for even thinking it. hehehe

Hmmmmm ... what else ... I try and get some sleep. NO ... not using the pills. LOL. I want to wake up as fresh as I am able, stretch and go for a walk. Although not intending to wake up before the sun (as I have been doing) I will hopefully catch some morning rays and have enough freedom to later mow my yard.

Adios until next post. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz

[Dahila]

for you Dave it is a good option, When you overwhelmed and start to suffer with high heart beat, difficulties breathing, or dealing with always present drama in your life, (you know what I am talking about) it helps you. I also believe that you will take it only in situation that you need to focus on problem, You know I am on 0.5 mg of clonazepam for the last probably 6 or 7 years never went up with dose, When i have extra stressful day I need to take it twice in the morning and 12 hours after that. Situation like that happens not often, not more often than once in a month

[Ponder]

I understand a lot more now than I did before. Thanks for saying like so. I needed to hear that. :)

Side note* Forum loading up slow again?

[Dahila]

Forum loads ok for me, you know that I do not complain on lack of common sense, must be the age thing, Jeez funny, I had braked the nail and can not even type, we are creatures of habit

[Ponder]

Yea, is working on my other devices. Browser issue my end. Don't worry it will grow back. :)

[Ponder]

I generally don't like to use the word retarded ... So I'll just say "What hell is the world coming to?" I think I am suffering as well because I have to admit as *&^%ed as that was, he did at times make me laugh; quite a bit actually. I can't be beleive people review fast food. I guess you can't take life seriously ... not this one anyways.

I was repulsed and laughing at the same time. What's Youtube coming to these days?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0n7ezsA2LGg

[Ponder]

I've been exuberating with a lot of HATE lately toward society and the species that make it up. It's a vile feeling where I cross roads to avoid them coming the other way. It is what it is and I really care less what others think because I feel that way. I just apologize out of habit when dealing with those in close quarters that have me an a conveyor belt running their scans. They in turn reply robotically anxious to process the next human whose typically glued to a brainwashing display out in their mass their waiting room. I say their because most people in society just accept living that way. FUCK living like that is pretty much my energy at the moment.

None the less I am interested in my own health ... therefore I will keep opening my door and take a step into the world on my own fucking terms. It really is time to get the fuck back up, but not trepidatiously so. I'be been getting out but wavering since titling this thread. Holding back the rage that's been permanently within and no doubt will continue to reside has not been healthy. I used to write about it quite effectively if only to express in ways that have me seen as "who gives two flying fucks?!?!!!" You get the point.
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NOW TO PLEDGE INTO ANOTHER ALPHA GAME ... time to bury myself deep into that digital world I said I would. :) I actually found two that I will give a try. Both are of the SPACE genre with a lot of hostility going on, however I may be better poised to find peace in that world compared to this shitty existence where we type bullshit to make ourselves feel good. Whilst therapy can help, there comes a time where jumping though the hoops has to stop. Like - Yea ... I am fucked, broken or whatever ... But I no longer need your system in order to accept my death. I'm done. Leave me to die ... fuck off!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Now to make that purchase and hit download.

Later on.

[Ponder]

Intense learning curve on both games. Another late night. All good.

[Dahila]

yeah I fuck everyone not problem, fuck it, Stop reading the bs they feed us . Avoid news , cause it is a bunch of lies. I hope you are better, I just got my ear infected and that's funny my doc was surprised that In my age I am not suppose to get ear infection. eh docs

[Ponder]

There are exception to my world and your are one of them. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/nature/sun-3-smiley-emoticon-animation.png First D ... I am sorry to hear your not doing so well. Kind of makes it hard to avoid that BS when one does decide to go to doctor and then be subject to all that crap plastered on and emanating from the walls.

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/music/speaker-smiley-emoticon.gif Is like watching Zombies feeding off the BS news. If I was only partially insane I would laugh like Robin Williams. Sadly I am beyond that ... although in the end it is said that he too had had enough! I take solace in thinking that. No doubt his view and mind are not the same, I think he and I would agree with the BS similarities. His ending says quite a bit.

Thanks for the well wishing but this morning I woke with a pain in my left ear that runs down the back left side of my throat where I find it extremely hard to eject the gunk. Mostly because when I breath in it feels like that part of my anatomy is stripped. I'm guessing you know the drill well. I will gargle softly clean warm salted water. (my extreme nature can make it worse) Keep Hydrated and all that. I know it will mostly likely not work, but I have had luck before with stopping the pain in my ear and throat infections by taking left over antibiotics that I did not take before. (a full course that I saved from before) Sometimes they are given to me when I don't really want them, but then when I want them, they don't prescribe them. Thus I will often keep them if I feel I can live without them. Mind you though ... if I did not have them, I would go cold turkey with as much pain as I could before subjecting myself to the system. Once again I understand such pills do jack for viruses. I have been lucky though.

Fuck it. Without a doubt the sickness we see and the insanity that reigns only leaves us predispose to becoming sick. It can also be seen as the bodies way of telling us we need a reset. All that family court BS is still going on, so too the *&^% compensation with victims holding up the process because they want MORE! ... Meanwhile I just want it all to end. (I too was feeling that way - but I don't the seesaw effect ... I really do just want that to end :( ) But there is some good news D - the fathers lies and his risk assessment done by others have greatly favored protecting the little one as much as the system will allow. Whilst I know from personal experience how much BS is in that ... is better than what it could of been. Small mercies can still be seen as grace. Just because I can still see glimmers of hope, does not mean for one minute that I want to be associated with this planet and the pathetic species living on it.

Lisa went out the other day doing her volunteer thing, for a man to sign an advance health directive whilst he lay dying in his bed. Long story short, he like me did not want to be taken to a hospital. Just wanted to be left to die in his bed. That really made my day when Lisa came home from the court to inform me of that. Apparently his wife came in to make the request and then Lisa later did a house call. The guy was in his 70s and had something terminal so I could understand well his choice in not wanting his last days to be in such a toxic place. Remember how I said recently when I was in the emergency room some other old guy who was actually admitted somehow walked out of the hospital and came back in through the front EM intake sections and requested to be put in a room without all the pinging, banging, clanging, coughing, spewing, doctors and nurses projecting loudly in their patronizing voices. Not me saying that ... the old fella said just as much. They responded in a an atypical patronizing way and psychically urged/pushed him into a wheelchair that he absolutely wanted nothing to do with. From there the look on that old man's face was like seeing my grandson distraught knowing his spirit was about to be further broken with societies compulsory and forceful enforcing of yielding to it's institutions. FUCK SOCIETY!!!

Those doing well are just selfish cunts. They come up with all kinds of excuses not to see the true cost. They do well because they buy into all their things and think the more they have the more secure they are. Those who do not have enough ... well ... that's just entirely all their fault because they could not suck up the fact that we live in a shitty world and did not try hard enough to stand on someone else's back. Yet they will claim they did it all themselves. I don't give two fucks about their so called things ... the truth of this fucked up prison planet is what makes me sick. When I manage to do well through my therapy sessions, it is because I ascribe to spiritual concepts and theories that she or none of the therapists truly respect. As much as I want to be supportive of their role in a society gone to shit, I really am just jumping through hoops. Once my NEW (another required hoop) diagnosis eventually is done, I think I will put of the therapy sessions. I have been doing them since 2012 regularly every year. Once again ... I am careful not to hate as much on those dealing with me ... because this really is more about RANTING and I do utilize methods that are slowly surfacing in mainstream. I think they know medication can not be the only answer. I am speaking with respect to Mental Illness (although the same can be said in many cases re toxic lifestyles) ... but for all my attempt to find similarities with who the fuck ever ...

... man I got to say there are a HUGE amount of selfish bitter people out there and those that are not are 100% clinically depressed regardless of the meds.

Yep sir re ... I am certainly in the FTW phase.
______________________

Now back to that ray of light. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/nature/sun-3-smiley-emoticon-animation.png

THANK YOU for popping in and also commenting when I have been feeling so depressed and bitter. It helps. I hope we both soon bounce back into whatever routine that best suits us.

The mini-tramp has been helping ... very easy to gently move on it or bounce just a little. I can really say it does help to clean my lymph and make me feel better.

Adios ... Take Care.
I still care.

[Dahila]

Hi D. I feel slightly better the pain is not so sharp, I kind of believe that hot compresses on my ear helps a lot. My hearing improved today. I just think , maybe he is right, He asked me to come back if it does not help and he will give me more. He does like to prescribe antibiotics, but if I lose more hearing I will be devastated, In worst case scenario I call at 9 in the morning and get the appointment in hour or two. he is very good with that. I can see him as often as I like (I do not ) and never wait, It helps not waiting in waiting room, You know how people make me sick .
Everything you go through makes depression sadness worse. It is so difficult to see suffering and not to be able relieve it ,eh life
I had not energy to post, but I want you to know that you are not alone, never alone

[Ponder]

Very pleased to hear your feeling better. It's good to hear hey. :) I pretty much use subs full time with netflix and also at times with YouTube. I am also glad to hear you have a doctor good with times. I do hope it went well.

I miss Sal. I hope he is OK? I feel he will one day post when he is able. It's not all bad in my thread ... I do have my moments. :) hehe - Even if only I can understand them.

Lisa gave me endome out of pitty. lol We ran out of headache pills and for the life of me ... lately when I get the flu like symptoms, my head throbs like a mule kicking it more and more.

I smile D - to think of how much a softy I am when I get sick. My brother was the same. RIP Bro. :( Yet I chuckled today as I walked into our little kitchen like a cripple moaning and wimping as I remembered my brothers expression he use to do with puppy dog eyes asking me to make chicken soup and or get this and that. I will say our mum used to nurse us very lovingly regardless of whatever family drama followed. I think I might text her with a hug.

I don't know how much longer this forum will go for, but it really does make my day to see the odd souls reach out on it as happens from time to time. Your a Gem D - You have never changed, not that we all stay the same. Just saying is all. At least we few have each other regardless of whatever view.

I hope you continue to feel better by the time this reaches you.

Any one else reading, if you get the gist then it is also with warmest regards I send what thoughts I can. Those last few posts really needed to come out.

I wish we all could get along.

[salvator here]

Hi Ponder and Dahila..

Thanks for thinking of me D, means a lot. Been rough here honestly and some days I manage to get outside, but some days are very bad still.

Its ok that your thread is honest, sometimes (most times) I actually feel pretty much the same about society. It's ok, I'm pretty far removed anyway and I keep to myself these days. I must protect myself since relying on others to do so is fruitless. Maybe things will change someday but I Doubt it though. I take loner to a whole new level really now. Some days I speak to nobody whatsoever to tell you the truth. I guess I'm ok with that.

Thanks again and hope you find your stability given your own set of circumstances.

Take care D and D and I'm sorry its been so long, I just haven't had much to contribute in this current shape, but I never forget you both and wish you the best. I do.

[Ponder]

Sal, I am just so gladdened that you popped in. Thank you ever so much. Having visitors is still on the menu for me, although totally get the solitude aspect to enduring as we do. Solitude being that term that makes it OK. I like you you gelling with that. I really need to come to terms with my own space. It's actually good when being in that state. You know I will be here as long as the forum is going. This is the spot we solitude types can have our meet and greet. :)

I'd really like to post about perfect weather and golden sunrises ... just not much of that about atm.

Wishing you all the best.

Don't mind my next post. I made it separate because I did not want to ruin the appreciated for you popping by when I had only just asked after you.

Actually ... I delete my sorry sad post and just be thankful you popped in.

Please do pop by and fill us in with even the most mundane of routine events that goes into daily living. It all counts man.

:) :) :)

[Ponder]

I just need to watch my eating and keep hydrated today. Not much else matters. Well it does, but I'm done stressing about it.

[Dahila]

hi guys , good to see you both.
Update on f**** ear. I went back to doc and now he gave me proper medication , the infection moved to middle ear which can cause major hearing loss
I am terrified, the more hearing you lose the more sophisticated Hearing aids are needed, and they come extremelly expensive.
I like you I am exhausted after having a lot interaction with people today. I took my grandchild to the therapy, then went downstairs to sit in the car and just rest. Then very nice woman started to ask me question about my Honda, We talked about dogs for like one hour. How we switched to dogs from Honda, I have no idea, it was nice , I like talking to complete strangers especially when they want to talk to me, when they find me interesting, I am interesting person. it is opportunity for me to study people........
It was nice, then took my Olivia to dance class and went to pic up meds . Now I am exhausted, running around for over 14 hours,
Sal your loneliness does give you energy boost, It always give me that.
Nothing wrong with being alone and enjoying it, I love to sit in my garden and enjoy all the green grass, we almost finished planting veggies. Now the work will start. I planted lillies and impatients to have some splash of color in garden. I love flowers. they are like part of me. Dogs are loving Dahila today to. People walk the dogs on my quiet crescent and the dogs want to talk to me too. I feel tired but loved today :)
Love you guys, I want to spread the love I have in abundance

[Ponder]

You started off on a sore point but ended beautifully! Really enjoyed your update D. :) TY. Feeling drained myself but got a bit done. I have returned to the groups I used to attend and also managed to get some mowing done.
Tomorrow Lisa and my Daughter head off to the city for family court. I beleive is final hearing. She has been appointed a Barrister on top of existing lawyer due to having such a solid case. (We have every bit of evidence from all the years we have been building - it proves all the lies and proves all our points. Never lie when going to court because it will come out. We are good at highlighting out the lies.) We will have everything we need to make a new case, if the little fella is abused once more. We'll hold the system accountable and object when they forget so soon! All this fuss ... but in the end is no more than a show. Is hard enough watching the institutions tear the kids apart, but anyone touches one hair on my grandson, I will make them accountable.

I hate those fuckers who belt their kids. Raise a fucking stick and you will reap pure hate. But the system knows that. Hence so many big sticks. Our grandson is not raised being hit. Sadly the father also resorts to force feeding, withholding toys, taking away objects of security and much much more. This is the guy who is working on his 4th relationship with a half a dozen kids in his new residence and a few dogs. Our little fella as you know is certified autistic and a single child, has no idea of what and where he will be going. Grrrrr. Is hard to think about. We did a good job of keeping him from having extended sleep overs and having to travel the 900km return trip. To this point they have been brief overnights and local this end. Sadly next year it will all begin. But like I say ... It seems both the family court reporter and child lawyer are all in agreement that his father only get a few days each time in his chaotic house rather than the full two weeks. (It is hoped that the transition will be eased in slowly extending the time rather than dumping a single child with autism into such chaos. But you know something, the fucking courts should never just dump any kid into that situation ... but they do it all the time and it's why I hate our society with a passion ... any community authority I spit in with all my spirit ... YEA!!!! hiiisssssseeesssss like a demon when writing that. SOCEITY is 100% cruel and when you get right down to it ... it does not give a fuck about human life at all) But that said ... ONLY ON PAPER I will say → Seems the court acknowledges the child's diagnosis re sensory issues as well as the fathers history of domestic violence and child welfare intervention with not only our little one but most of his offspring.

He hides behind relgion which makes him one of the worst abusers and womanizers. Preyed upon our daughter when she was 16 (immaturity so as also has her own debilitating traits) He was like 26 ... Classic Predatory Behavior. Sorry to rave on. Sick fuckers. I never liked those guys even when I was so young. I could see it then. Later to experience it with my own daughter. Is insanity. Anyways - we'll see to it he has a hard time if the little one comes back psychologically damaged let alone touched.

All that said ... we have been supportive with all current orders and been very careful not to project or denigrate the father in front of the little one. In fact we have encouraged all we can so as not to manifest. We know well how that shit all plays out. Been there done that with my own family court battles re my eldest boy. (I won but was too late and sadly denigration did a lot of damage) Alas I was also no saint - but I sure as hell never left bruises like this fucker did and I'm also remorseful for my brainwashed religious and patriotic BS mentality when it came to ruling the roost. Only cowards rule with an iron fist. I see the police and all law enforcement in pretty much the same way ... the way they stand behind their guns and their sticks. Same with judges, lawyers, doctors, teachers and so on. Same shit, different channel.

It's all a fucking game - as soon as you don't fit ... how quick they forget their own rulings. Anwayyyyysss. You just play along as long as you can.

We are not putting the little one in a main stream school. We found one that operates outside the so called normal society. Just have to make sure it does not end up a cult. LMFAO @ that one. None the less can't be worse than those educational drone factories.

Your right to send your love D ... and I thank you for it. I send back what I can. Sorry to rave on with so much aggression when thinking about all the above. I have changed my thinking a LOT with the way I deal with my family ... sadly though, I will always struggle with the hard end of the stick and the impact it's had on me ... especially when I still see it being used so readily by those who rule our communities. Then the sheep that defend it all. PFFFT ... I don't know ....

I will have my grandson for the next 4 days so might not have much time. I think once he goes down, I will also go on the nod. He is full time, but I love him to bits. We will have lots of fun. :) Fuck the rest. :)

Later guys. :) ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Dahila]

yes the situation is bad, but I believe in you people, you will manage, I seen you with him, it is incredible, you guys seem to build that bridge into him. I hate courts too

[Ponder]

Spent 800 into public transport, accomadation, eating out and so for two and then the courts cancled! Oh well. Thankfully we have family down there for them to visit. Other than the cost, it might be for the best.

Night. Zzzzzzzzzz .... little one struggles with enlarged adnoids. Find it hard to breath. Poor kid. There might be an opperation in the near future. Zzzzzzzzz night.

[Ponder]

Everyone is back and life goes on. Weekend is tomorrow and not much on, so I figure I will catch up on the yard once more.

[Dahila]

all planted already but we have cold nights (i enjoy it)the veggies not so much.

[Ponder]

:) I take heart that tonight/today we are both not complaining about our bodies. :) Sigh ... Enjoy while we can D ... chuckles. I can almost breathe through two nostrils.http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/new-year/watching-fireworks-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

I got to be honest and say life's been a struggle of late. No real energy or desire. Just saying is all.

Going to try a walk and see what happens. :) Nothing too over the top ... but just taking a few steps. I was told to take it very easy this week due to more up coming blood tests. ZZZZZzzz ... Hopefully these will be the last.

[Dahila]

Saturday, good day good sales but got the back pain which still is, Jeez hate it when I can not do anything with that pain

[Ponder]

Great stuff about the sales D :) Not so great about the Pain. Take heart D ... remember we are on this planet for the sole purpose to experience pain and suffering that we may become 'improved versions of ourselves.' http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/laughing-hysterically-smiley-emoticon.gif Of course only those who's most earnest struggle, is with frayed hair, broken nails, missing dumbbells, not enough protein powder, crinkled yoga mat and a worn out cushion tell us things like that. -

... but .... shhhhhh - don't tell anyone. Apparently it's a secret and the only way to find out how to solve all those problems -

... is to buy a book called 'The Secret!" LMFAO ... srry http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/farm-animals/happy-sheep-smiley-emoticon.gif

_______________________________



Of course I have gone the other extreme looking for aliens to solve all my problems and make sense of this fucked up world.

Glad you stopped by:
http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/alien-peace-sign-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Dahila]

you made my laugh D. Thanks for that, I needed, I am going to lie down for the night now maybe tomorrow is going to be easier, it is going to feel better I am sure, Hugs

[Ponder]

Pretty sobering stuff:
I'm not a big fan of the guy, but he makes some pretty good points. Especially the way we are all hooked on technology. Literally! Think I will stop having to wearing so much of it myself. Hmmm ... but then again, what harm is there if I can pogrom myself off grid? Hmmm Now that sounds fair enough.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBEOqfAn9Pw

[Ponder]

I understand that when people are distracted with either obligatory or pacifying activities that speakers like David Icke look as every bit as dubious as to that which they seek to discuss. I use the term 'discuss' in the hope to being more objective rather than reactive as most of us are preconditioned to do. It's hard to peg really as the latter brings up all kind of labels such as ones intent to either profess, preach or whatever. Of course one's own perception as defined by one's own experience to whatever will no doubt help to define the labels in which each of us tends to view. The more distracted one is, the more reactive they will be. That reaction being autonomous to the type of programming that Icke speaks so passionately about. On that I can't fault the logic. I'm just less receptive to the same fallibility that he himself is prone to when it comes to selling fear. In this many online comments do allude to Mr Icke perhaps doing better to include more hope in his message, rather than be all doom and gloom. Yet that mindset can just as easily lead into the possy wossy back slapping oh please don't say anything lets you disturb our bliss.

What the fuck ever ... Dave, your watching too much YouTube gain. Narrrrr ... Is all good. I think there is such of thing as not watching enough. hahahahahahahaaaaa I don't mind getting chipped, I just want to be the one with the pain brush.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

God Damn It!!!! This time I spilt half a cup of coffee mug on my laptop. I'm not feeling as confident about saving it this time D. Last time was filtered water. Oh well, I do need more time for nature I guess.

I dismantled as much as I could. Took out SSD M.2 micro drive, Sata 3 HDD, Ram, speakers, CMOS battery disconected + unhooked keyboard cable and all other points of contact, including wireless card and battery. Will give it 24 hours and if still no go ... then I'll deal with it then. Think I will bounce on the mini tramp and contemplate a coffee after that.

Food dryer did a good job with helping to dry last time. Just using my phone for now. Later D. ;)

https://i.ibb.co/VQVTY47/20190606-145346.jpg

[Ponder]

Figured I would document either fixing this issue, or having to sell for parts. Stay tuned for tommorow's eppisode where I will either be ecstatic or depressed. :) excuse typos, no spell check on my phone's Chrome browser.


http://youtu.be/aOA-ufZAUIY

[Dahila]

coffee and gaming computer is bad thing. I am guilty as hell too, but i have desktops so only keyboard are ruined . Nice video.

[Ponder]

Getting Extreme as the keys dried stuck as if glued. Decided to give proper wash:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFV6wTEH028&t=13s&app=desktop

[Ponder]

Could not help it. Needed to do another video as I not sleep well untill its all put back togeather in morning. Zzzzzzzzzzzz


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJVUQh7646M&app=desktop

Until I hit the on button.

[Ponder]

YAY ... I DID IT!!!! Thank Fuck For That ... http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/dancing/super-happy-dance-smiley-emoticon.gif http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hello/cyclop-alien-waving-hello-smiley-emoticon.gif


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VL_9iv6pg80

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/alien-peace-sign-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Dahila]

congratulation D. job well done

[Ponder]

Thanks D - Glad that's over with. I'm heading for a walk. Have a LOT of mess to clean up in the house and a routine that badly needs reassessing. I guess the spillage really was Kama.
Take Care ... catch up soon. :)

[Ponder]

Let's have a laugh hey:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVVo036N9OY

[Ponder]

All is as well as can be? Hmmm Something like that. :) ZZZZZZZZzzzzz I've been reading up a LOT, on How Not to Come Back! Is that cryptic enough D? lol


SCREW THE LIGHT!!!

https://i.ibb.co/wJ5fGbK/light.gif

ENJOY THE VOID!!!

Shut your eyes, let the light fade, listen to only yourself and with enough focus, you will find a dark hole lining the wall ... where into the omniverse one will go.




__________________________________
__________________________________________________ _
__________________________________________________ _________________________
From what I can gather, escaping like so requires practicing now. Learning to live with self without distraction is key to learning to avoid deception later. If you can't spot the BS now, you won't have a hope when it comes to having one's pretentious self being recycled ... over and over. I have been feeling strongly of late towards that which I used to struggle with. That is to say the wide array of prison planet theory Vs new age love and light Vs your average super spiritual guru and the large scope of well being and club mentality spawn from such.

I used to write about oblivion a while back ... it's a good state to be and one I yearn to revisit. Plays into the void and finding oneself there without all those guides, long lost dead family members angles and various other deceptive greetings. No longer buying into the yin and the yang ... the need for evil or even the BS lessons needed. I care less for believing in anything and hold no information as absolute and everything open to change. I feel very much that indeed we are all being controlled and welcome the 3 stages of shedding truth. 1. Your Fucking Nuts!!! 2, Being violently Opposed and 3. Self Evident/Evidence ... "Yea ... it's all ways been this way ..." Long story that explanation. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I know most people are too busy to take it in ... but I link a really good watch that sums it up well. That said ... It's kind of for audiences that have already woken up. I used to struggle with the symbolic nature of entities, but lately ICKE has dumbed it down into a more digestible meal.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vag7RjH-grY&t=2354s

This one bellow more contrasting opinions on pretty much a similar theme ... but is good like so as you get to glean more regardless of "It's a trap" Vs "It's not a trap"
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE": David Icke ~ Linda M. Howe ~ Jordan Maxwell ~John Lear [Age Of Truth TV] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FT4S1lJ06aM&list=PLTtbhjtVLRySK8ie4ZaO8zZm7p6-JmKsp&index=3&t=0s)

[Ponder]

OR --- if you want a take from a younger fella finding his own way through this mess ... and perhaps culturally presented in a more appealing way for the younger ones out there.

It's a different take yet again ... but know one thing ... more and more people are talking about it. There is a new doco on the horizaon where the govement is starting to reveal more ... but more in a fear presentation as is always that way when it comes to controlling sheep. I digress ... here is this young fella's take:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGTs_Kogk8Q

I personally have no trouble hugging trees and sapping up what nature has to offer. In this I feel the newer generations of today are blinded to such healing power, due to not only the lack of access to unadulterated environments, but also because of the amount of embodied tech. Much of which did not exist when I was born. The speed at which tech is evolving is quite extreme ... and that's what we are only lead to know exists. The latter more validated by the presenters theme of humans as being Biochemical threats ... hehe. We are cancer ... I'll pay that much. ... and we heading into an age of cyborg implants. Hopefully I will be long gone and somehow find my way into the Omniverse. In this ... I feel the essence of nature or what's left of it holds the keys to finding self. Yet I feel the presenters frustration.

Once you have been brutalized by the system in a way that makes you clinically insane ... then I feel the doors open more easily if one has not already done themselves in. Trees also start to look a lot greener. :P LOL

[Ponder]

Time to bring my head out of the rabbit hole and take a breath. I'll be sure to be back down there soon enough. :) Went for a fair enough walk this morning and feeling good enough for having made the effort. I'll going for another one soon enough as I head out for my first Autistic Spectrum Disorder (aka ASD) meeting. Lingering thoughts from the rabbit hole reminds me of how easily we cling to our labels; as too does the super guru Eckhart Tolle. As I as walking this morning I allowed my thoughts to run on a spin cycle whilst of course more produced atomically. Do you think I can remember them as I now sit and type? Smiles at such another thought.

There was a time where it was only the taking of my medication or illicit drugs that made me dream. That was before my spirit was crushed and I was programmed. I got to say I have been having a lot of late. What does this mean? No doubt another phase of some kind. I've failed big time on my latest attempt to regain my health. Tomorrow marks seven months exactly since I started this thread which was is entitled 'Time To Get Back Up Again.' Where am I now compared to then?

I guess for one, I have returned to social engagement at Mental Health Club House like facility that has various groups on various topics usually aimed towards social and daily living skills. Anything from cooking to group therapy or one and one's. I was going for 4 years, then had a falling out with the manager. Shit happens. I am no back and life goes on. Whilst I questioning everything about the way the world is run, including that place, it is good to get out and about. I have made one good friend and a couple of acquaintances from having participated at that place. It gives me a destination where I venture off under natural sunlight ... although the traffic fumes are hard to avoid. You can't win em all I guess.

Apparently the are going to be undertaking a course in communication skills - Toast Masters style. I've tried my hand at it before and found the neurotypical groups somewhat self centered. I was told specifically that learning to talk in such a way is excellent for selling BS! I remained in silence in complete agreement with this lady as she stood standing over me spouting more words in a proclamation tone. Her comrades all seem to be in a trance whilst at the same time seemingly waiting with baited breath to have their turn where they too could practice their magical confidence. Despite my own lack of it and trepidation, it really did feel like a peacock convention. I am all for the confidence building, but some clubs forget themselves and have little appreciation or respect for newbies. I think enough said.

As for this new group ... it will be on a completely different wave length. Whilst I am sure it will still similar pit falls to one's ego, I somehow envisage the intention for communication is not as much for the selling of BS ... but for simple communication.

I best get ready.

Until I next communicate. :)

[Ponder]

Unfortunately after arriving on foot to the mental health facility I discovered that it was not open due to being burgled. So I decided to walk a couple more kilometres and visit a friend instead. Before our consciousness met we connect to digitally through the brainwashing network where we had fun discussing artificial intelligence and biomechanical sheep.

[Ponder]

Well I have not been abducted nor seen any fiery chariots? I really don't know what to beleive.

Walked HEAPS yesterday but not feeling sore for it. In fact I'll be out again today on foot doing the same thing again.

Got some good news. Supposedly the payout over my childhood Kama where I was beaten and abused (life's lessons - supposedly) will be paid out in the coming weeks. I'm not getting a hole lot in terms of the hierarchy of abuse; but not going to continue beating that drum. I'd rather leave that for the alien enslavement! What the fuck ever. At any rate ... whatever I get I will spend it wisely. I've kind of already had my manic episodes on most of that.

Hmmmmm - perhaps the rapture really has happened and the only ones left are the intelligent ones? That being why things have been so quiet? lmfao. again ... what the fuck ever.

Righto ... I'm going to go over my list of things on what I may or may not buy. Enjoy pretending to be a winner for as long at those artificial things prick my desires. I'm pleased to say the mini tramps gets regular use! Keeps my limp flowing in-between long LONG bouts on this thing. The latter being PHEW ... thank fuck I was able to fix that.


Here's a new game on the horizon that looks to have some promise. If I am going to accept living in a simulation ... may as well pick another one of my choosing. It's only Alpha Footage but I think it looks really good for what it is. Cities Skylines is not really comparable because it's a different game with different outcomes. If anything, I agree with the comment/s that refer to Transport Fever 2 being likened to Cities Skylines: and The original Transport Fever having a baby and this being it. It's the transport factor / Sim side of things that will most likely have me migrate from CS to TF2. Graphics are not everything ... TF2 does sim the tranport of trains really well and now seems to have upped their game with the air port industry as well.

I still got the space games happening on the side - but sick and tired of all the forced conflict. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz Time to go back to being laid back ... as laid back as at least I can be. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBW7XOmyRmk

[Ponder]

NICE:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQ-j30eACeY

[EwaGee]

I have experienced really hard times, my life was in danger because of a huge amount of stress and neglect of my emotional state. I share my story on yt along with everything that has helped me to win with anxieties. You can find me there by looking for Ewa Gee.
I hope it will be helpfull to any of you :)
Have a great day :)

[Dahila]

WTF? Another one wants to monetize the channel. I am glad something is coming your way Mister. I m drained the bureaucracy is killing me softly

[Ponder]

I feel it's a genuine attempt to share D. Refreshingly so actually. Thanks for linking me up EwaGee. I have my grandson with me now, but look forward to checking out your insights a bit later. :)

About that D - I am a little perturbed on what I should get to make the most out of it, but your right - it should be a good feeling as is a once in a life time opportunity. It's not enough to get myself or by my wife a car, but it is enough to upgrade some aspects of my lifestyle.

I am srry to hear about the bureaucratic process of life draining like so. I feel the same way with the medical and welfare side of things. I just had a good visit with on Occupational Therapist - OT - or however they are refereed to. I always get confused with their designation as the Occupation side of things sounds like a J-O-B. At the end of today's session I was encouraged as to my understanding and the way I look to manage in a society in which I do not fit. Something like that. I even used the word spiritual in today's session. Something about taking the focus of the clinical text regarding sensory reception in both positive and negative positions. Or is as I was hoping to do when explaining how some sensory perceptions that might trigger me negatively in large shopping centres, can actually lift my spirits when experience in nature. The example I was responding to was lights in a shopping centre and the yes whilst I find those quite annoying, I respond well to light trickling through the canopy of trees in a wooded area. In this context I struggled with many of the questions. It was a sensory questioner ... with many others that I still fathom as not a good way to box people ... BUT ... having said that, I respect the process and the lady's ability in doing what she does.

Hmmm ... I best get back to the little one :) I have missed him much.

Catch up later.

Thx again EwaGee and hoping the frustration will pass soon enough D.

[Ponder]

Solid Walk, no caffeine, less sugar and all that yummy stuff ... Up early although still having to drag myself. Here's to a good day. :)

[Ponder]

What's happening D?

[Ponder]

COOL


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6AaSMfXHbA

Hollywood leaking information. :)

[Dahila]

I have no energy to post anymore, you know that I fill up papers for retirement , it takes like 4 thousand application to fill, it is hopeless

[Ponder]

Just heading off to bed D. Thx for posting. Srry your still feeling this way. I do understand. I wish life was not like so. No matter what peace I find, I will allways have room for other peoples pain. We'll at least those I have come to know. It's ironic because the truth is that I don't trust people at all. I am trying though. I still walk onto the road when various others aproach.

Just saying I too am feeling tired and have a hard time taking others in. I still want to connect so still say hello to those willing to budge. Somthing like that.

Hope the peoples desk your paper work cross are willing to help.

Take care D

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Dahila]

every piece of paper is filled and send to numerous agencies, We went to sign up so many papers, and they needed to be certified, Thats nonsense they have access to all your information, Every year I am doing my income taxes eh
Honestly I would be ok not to see more people ......

[Ponder]

You'll get there D. Here's hoping.

I really should just post in the morning but not sure I will have time as the little fella is staying over tonight. Poor guy has conjunctivitis. Unfortunately it has spread to his other eye. Very hard to treat him as (as like his pop) he is super sensitive. Thankfully we are managing at getting some of the drops in. Was just a let down to see his other eye starting to junk up. His is in good hand. Will keep him until it clears up.

Hmmm ... Thinking about doing some part time work ... not sure. Just toying with it for now. I have started advertising computer repairs but only hearing back from spammers since fielding my phone number. More looking into the possibility of doing some mentoring myself. The logistics look more of a hassle than the mentoring. I also have my own triggers which will make matching up with appropriate clients a bit tricky. People entering back into the work force with mental illness is has been refereed to as Open Workplace ... or a Workplace that both assists and hones in on the benefits of using people with lived experience and bla bla bla ... LOL ... not exactly selling myself there. These days the industry is full of a LOT of BS. If I do enter back into it ... it will be without a BS certificate. Hard to fathom I could pull that off ... but IF ... and that is a BIG if ... I will let you know how I pull that off.

For now I am looking to assist and encourage one of my own friend (also on a pension and national disability insurance program) to become a paid worker in supporting me. I rang up on his behalf to work out the logistics and discovered just how flexible the process can be. It's just something that's NOT advertised so readily as too many people may be seen to be circumventing or exploiting yadda yadda and more yadda/s

Sigh ... Fact is peers on the same level do a much better job when it comes to supporting each other in the community. I have always advocated as much but always been met with resistance as the system seeks to put one above the other. When that happens, it's no longer peers supporting peers. So many times I have tried to raise this issue. ZZZZZZzzzzzz It was only by chance when speaking with my allotted NDIS coordinator on speaker phone and explaining that my friend currently in the room was the best support worker their agency could ever hope to implement when it come to servicing me. Fact is they have been having a hard time finding someone who fits well for me. (Those only in it for the money or those that only see me as no more than a client - do not last long with me ... or I with them) There are next to no males in our location and then there is the age factor, culture and so on. Matching up is important in this game, less one be simply parading around with a badged industry worker who is just counting the clock. Anways ... it was suggested that my friend could go through the process and become my support worker. This idea I jumped on and started investigating to assist him. (Also on opportunity for myself as the plan I am on allows to get assistance from anyone with a Business registration aka ABN (BS certification in mental health not required -[these days is like cereal packet course])

Like I said ... evenings is not my best time. Pretty much the best way I can meet up with someone like myself is going to be me advertising myself to support someone else, but with my own list of Can Do/s and Cant/s. It's been spouted to me many times to do such a thing. Basically long story short, (already long for the twitching types) after supporting my own friend in helping him to make a few bucks by already being my friend (LMFAO) as opposed to seeking out a disinterested paid friend whom typically acts like a therapist trying to fix one ... well ... I was delightfully surprised and encouraged that I could do the same myself without risk of losing my pension. The latter being a factor in why I have never tried to overcome my barriers to re-enter the workforce on any level ... I do have legitimized reasons that have me already pensioned off - BUT - after today's phone call ... is good to know there are programs to still give us hope. Like I say ... they are not readily advertised is all.

hmmmm Yea ... something like that. I have zero interest in working over the threshold that would otherwise cut into my pension. That would not only see me pushing myself too hard to early, but also see me being taxed with various others disincentives. Little by little ... only after a little pocket money, but more so knowing I could still be worth something to society on some level would be my main boost. I don't like chasing money for the sake of money. That gets very old ... Very quick!!! Either way ... Big challenge for me. I'm seriously considering it.

Anyways ... that's today's story.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz For now ... all that matters is my grandson's current condition.

Night night - http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/farting/dutch-oven.gif

[Dahila]

On 2016 I lost my job due the company being bought by bigger one. They get rid of "non essential" positions. They papers I was working on were send by fax to India and they did it. I said fuck it, I am not going to look for another job anymore. I already had opened the business few months ago and started on December 2015 selling on market, It was small , but when in January 2016 they told me that my position is not more, i was set up. You should see the face of boss , when I am told him ; I am fine I already am running small business. I was genuinely smiling. Who cares about idiotic slaving at computer. The fact is I had a good, very good savings I could put into business. Now I have huge booth and tons of customers.
Without any loan or help from anyone
My hubby had build displays and molds that was huge help
Repairing or building computers is good, Many people buys refurbished computers. there is a guy on market for the last 7 years he sell them and repair , Not huge money but something. Computers is your thing D. If you would be any closer you would build mine. I have a high confidence in your skill

[Ponder]

Hi D - Glad you had something to fall back on. It's the competitive nature of so called WORK and also the slave mentality that goes with it that I don't gel with. I have always been an awesome worker, but at the first sign of totalitarian authority and peer pressure in the form of work place clicks, I simply move on. Overbearing authority and click group mentality has given way to humans simply being mostly assholes today. The extremely unreliable ones are difficult to repair computers for due to never being able to get a system going with pickups and drops off. I struggle dealing with them because they often lie which only adds to the problem with me needing to know when someone is coming of not. This gets worse as you line up a number or repairs. Then in general you get those that wine and complain. I no longer am able to deal with such people. Then there are the entitles ones who surprisingly are not so much the ones without money, but quite the opposite. They could afford to purchase 10 new high end systems but want you to work for peanuts. They are also generally more difficult to deal with ... OR if your happy to work for less they treat you more like a slave ... They don't get it.

Already I am dealing with people who have had me prepare for a job, but they do not show up. Think of such as your atypical FaceBook crowed when buying and selling. That about sums up humanity today. I love computers D. Building them and repairing them. It's been my life. I have put the idea out there ... but not already stressing about the thought of dealing with people. I'll think more on it ... Just not sure at this stage.

I am even second guessing the whole mentoring thing, but that is normal for me. I do that with any job I think about doing. It really is more the Nature of what we humans have mad a J-O-B become. It really is a slave mentialy this day and age more then ever before. People don't get that. Instead many prefer to attack others for not working caring less of another's barriers. Again - carry a big stick = resist. OCD aka Oppositional Defiance Disorder. You don't have to be on the autism spectrum do suffer with that. That too is also natural. It's just that most people are typically pacified by fear. I generally respond by doing the opposite of what people expect. This means if someone raises a stick, instead of bowing down, I'll pick up a stick of my own. The equivalent in society terms is if I am pushed to vote, I won't. If I am forced to work, I won't. If I am forced to sit, I wont. So and so on. I don't see it as much a disorder but simply a boycot.

Not sure what I am going to do. People put thoughts in my head all the time whilst I am on the welfare system as a broken individual. Just because I am on a pension does not mean I escape the issues of competitive marketing and peer group pressures. It is still very much ever present as I attempt to get a handle on my boycotting mentality. Is hard to explain. I do want confidence ... but either way I go there is simply more pressure than I can stand. That upsets me greatly because I do want to feel worthy. Sadly in all directions I look, I struggle with finding the flexibility that on the surface is often sold. I doubt I could keep up with the systems way of keeping track in whatever I do. It would always come back on me in a negative way and tell my it's all my fault.

This is why I generally do things for NOTHING. No tax man or welfare dept breathing down me neck. Doing things for money no matter what your doing is just being a slave, unless of course you think your winning and then most likely see yourself more as a Master! Either way, it comes down to winners and losers. I know what losing it like, therefore I care less to be a winner knowing the price. I think the latter really sums it up for me. You get angry and bitter at first, but eventually succumb to the pressure of depression knowing that the world will never change. Rather than get all religious or new age about it; the whole prison planet theory instead makes a lot of sense.

How not to be a prisoner in a prison ... that's me path I guess.
__________________________________________________ ____

If I lived near you, I would help out for nothing less. I'm guessing you would give me a couple your home made creams for my crusty face. :) Sounds like a good deal either way.

Forgive me all ... if my point of view makes your eyes squint.

Later D ...

[Dahila]

Hi you are so right D. I really enjoy reading this post, However it is maybe not the right word enjoyment, Itis very interesting post , you have no idea how I can relate to you. Sure any cream you need and want. the post is like taken from my head. No kidding,
I believe you being in system is awful. I am going back to system. Unfortunately........... so slave , eh life

[Ponder]

I am always enamored with your tenacity to get through life D ... with the odd eh here and there. :)

Here is what I have been dealing with of late :( I try to keep a bright face but my skin has been burning of late. I really got to get a hold on my health more than ever before. I fear my internals are overloaded and not doing as well as the doctor thinks. I am always exhausted, sore joints and just finding it hard to get through each day. I should be excited about the bit of money coming my way, but sadly I am just so tired of late. Sorry to gross you out, but I figured if anyone could understand what it's like to suffer with likewise issues ... that you might? I am always having to wash my face every hour when out in public. Just another reason to stay inside and hide.

The only way I know how to deal with it is to go hard core clean eating ... but it's just so damn hard of late. I am struggling to even walk regularly ... but trying. I don't want to go to the doctor as she has already done a million tests re my kidneys and a bunch of other things. Like I say ... I need to do it myself. Just struggling to find the desire. Hardest time ever to keep motivated in my life ever. I am trying though. Lot of stress in life not helping either. As you know it destroys me watching my grandson having to fit in all the boxes. He just went home today. It took Lisa and eye to hold him for the eye drops and let me tell you it was one hell of a fight. 5 days at out place ... although we returned him, we still need to drive across town twice a day to help mum put the eye drops in. No ones fault of course. The whole selective eating is also taking a tole on the little fella as well. The adnoids and other issues. Poor kid is not well ... Not that it makes it easier, but a lot of kids with autisim struggle similarly. The immune system takes a hit kind of things.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Life is slowly grinding me down and I care less to take on this perspective of trying to fight. Hence my pet hate with soldiering on and or being a man. I surrender ... take me now!!! Damn it ... I really do need to get a grip. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A tell-tale sign of lupus is a (https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&q=Butterfly+rash+on+the+face+around+eyes+and+nose+ are+flaky+skin&spell=1&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj3yP7vzvLiAhWGXCsKHenzB6gQBQgtKAA&biw=1920&bih=975)butterfly-shaped (https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&q=Butterfly+rash+on+the+face+around+eyes+and+nose+ are+flaky+skin&spell=1&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj3yP7vzvLiAhWGXCsKHenzB6gQBQgtKAA&biw=1920&bih=975)rash across the (https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&q=Butterfly+rash+on+the+face+around+eyes+and+nose+ are+flaky+skin&spell=1&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj3yP7vzvLiAhWGXCsKHenzB6gQBQgtKAA&biw=1920&bih=975)cheeks and bridge of the (https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&q=Butterfly+rash+on+the+face+around+eyes+and+nose+ are+flaky+skin&spell=1&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj3yP7vzvLiAhWGXCsKHenzB6gQBQgtKAA&biw=1920&bih=975)nose. (https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&q=Butterfly+rash+on+the+face+around+eyes+and+nose+ are+flaky+skin&spell=1&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj3yP7vzvLiAhWGXCsKHenzB6gQBQgtKAA&biw=1920&bih=975) Other common skin problems include sensitivity to the sun with flaky, red spots or a scaly, purple rash on various parts of the body, including the face, neck, and arms. Some people also develop mouth sores. ← That description of Google worries me ... but I think that is a bit over the tip to self diagnose. NAAAARRR .. I am sure is something else. Although in the pick I get a LOT reder than that after eating the wrong foods. This is when I am cooled down. :( Get much worse ... I show later if I flare up ... this is NOT flared up. This is like regular of late. Gets worse when I drink coffee and things like that.

I try to keep a bright spirit ... fuck it.
https://i.ibb.co/1R89hQT/Crusty-Face.jpg

[Ponder]

Reading Google on Health Issues sure can suck! Now I know how people with Health Anxiety feel. I best load up a game. Hope this finds you well D.

SAL ... what you doing buddy? Say hello to crusty!!! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/jobs/clown-smiley-emoticon.gif I got a get a hold of this shit. Back to the fruits and veggies I guess. So damn hard. I tell ya D.

[Dahila]

Hey to me it looks like eczema, so Dahila doctor prescribe a lot of moisturizing and maybe do not expose your face to sun to expose less. Moisturizer look at something like Aveeno it has addition of oats so it helps with skin condition. Get one for face maybe with some 15 Spf.
I look between your eye brows and it is similar to my skin but you could not see it on my forehead, I moisturize twice a day, morning moisturizer with oat protein, and camomile, Abyssinian oil and Aloe vera distillate, very light not greasy, Right now at night i put my moisturizer with silk amino acids and Fruit acids, There is tiny bit of Hazelnut oil. When I forget to moisturize my face skin it looks like that. My doctor believe it is eczema. I do too. then you shave which makes it worse. eh.
Moisturize moisturize and moisturize, Drink a lot of water, you are right when something is going on with liver or digestive system it immediately shows on face. Instead of washing your face in water try not to use soap , at night 1 tbsp of oatmeal cover with 1 cup or filtered water cover, in the morning strain it and wash gently your face with it, do not wipe to hard , the best is to let it dry. then when the skin is still lightly damped put moisturizer on Dave it is important!! you do not want to go and use steroids for that, Stop using hot water while showering use lukewarm water. I wonder what you use to wash your face
it maybe psoriasis too, for sure you could benefit to wash your face in salty water, add some salt to oatmeal water

[Ponder]

Thx Doctor D :) Your Oatmeal mix helped me out some years ago when I was suffering with the scabies like condition. I never really knew what it was but your oatmeal mix helped my skin back then too. I will go and by some extra today and do as you suggest. I'll try the other suggestions as well. Much appreciated. Thanks heaps.

I woke up this morning with a ripe raw throat. There has been burning off (setting tress on fire to prevent fire) around my region. I struggle VERY much when there is smoke about the neighborhood. Always have. Sorry to go on about my health. I am once again falling quite ill. Seems to be happening in 3s. Three types of illness and three bouts close together. Maybe picked something up from my grandson too.

Anyways I will also gargle salt today as well as try rinsing my face in it too. I will lightly exfoliate first ... do a little salt dabbing ... rinse ... then do the oatmeal mix. Just not sure when to put the moisturizer on D? I just put it on in the end of doing all that?

[Ponder]

My sister is sending me money to buy a video game (God lover her :) ) and this:


Srr just a quick phone pic - I wonder if you have heard of cream like this?

https://i.ibb.co/8cd6x2G/cream.jpg

Sorry it's not the best pic. But good enough to show me what to get. It is based on an oatmeal mix. Or at least I can read the word oatmeal on it. I would like to see what it also in it back can't see the ingredients list. At any reate I go by some more oatmeal and for sure try you advice regarding that. I have to admit that I even struggle with so call magic creams. That said, my sister does usually choice that good stuff as she too suffers with it like us. Anyways ... thankful that my sister can help and cares. Best to focus on stuff like that and try not to focus on how fragile we pathetic humans be. lol ... srry could not help it. I mean wonderful.

OK Take care D. Thx again.

[Dahila]

the cream is good, stop exfoliating the skin till it recovers. after washing your skin gently put it all over your face , gently not rubbing ;) please
I am also suffering with some pain and difficulties breathing. With the age it is getting worse by the minutes. Not that long to go D :) not that long.

[Ponder]

The biggest hindrance for me is the damn hair on my face. I can't exactly grow a bushy beard and care less to do so, but what does grow is extremely tough and makes a perfect breeding ground for the flakes. You would think it's as easy as simply shaving, but that action with the metal also leads to breaking out. Breaking out with rashes is a little different to the actual flake. The breaking out I think is combination of toxicity (both stress, allegories and simply toxic foods/drugs.) Granted the extreme teenage alcoholism and full blown illicit drug taking certainly contributed by way of damaging internal organs. (Long term medicating amounts to same thing but slower is all) All that combined with clinical mental illness in many of it's extremes and the apparent focus on ASD ... bla bla bla ... all adds up.

But let's not forget age too. Whatever the past and whatever way we look at it ... the future in these fragile vehicles is going to be pain. End of story ... end of life. I am glad you can put a smiley face to it when you say like so. I completely agree. I give us points for taking on the suffering as we do. I am not talking about the manufactured suffering we give make for ourselves all the time. I am not trying to disown that. But living with what is and trying to keep relations certainly helps D. I am glad we understand each other on that. *Notes the 2013 next to our Avatars. Has been a long haul - :) But then again ... if you look back clearly enough it's also been damn quick. Best to think like that ... as in I totally agree:

Not long now D ... not long.

Are you hoping for oblivion like me? :)

Disclaimer - NOT advertising cutting one's journey short!!! All though I think about it a lot and don't doubt those thoughts will arise again and again ... I hope I can look at death with a smile on my face no matter what. Even if it means having to do so with toxic thoughts. More so because I know smiling when in pain does, for the most part, actually help.

[Ponder]

I know you in pain ... so just reply when your able. No rush. :) I am going to go back on the red meat. Just 3 small pieces a week to see how I feel. Been a long time for me. Thankfully Lisa said nothing. I think it will come up later ... but that's OK. Like I said, I just want to see how I feel. I'll be the judge of that. :)

https://i.ibb.co/j5P1vT9/Red-Meat.jpg

Best learn how to marinate and master the slow cooking process in low heat.

Adios ... time to eat.

[Dahila]

Hey I had spend $200 yesterday on grass feed beef, A lot of good meat for that money today we are going to have bbq steak, my favorite food. I do not believe in nonsense docs push on us about eating red meat, I believe less and less, When I do have steak I am not hungry for at least 7 hours and my blood glucose is excellent then. So do not feel bad about it. Humans are carnivores but we have teeth to eat nuts and veggies too. I eat veggies and meat, cheeses, cooked soups from scratch. I do not buy or eat any foods from store, I make my own. Soon I hope the veggies will start, I already have spinach and bokchoy , adding it to everything. We started to dry the oregano melisa and few others herbs ...I make a lot of stir fry, everyone eats it with rice or noodles except me

[Ponder]

Glad you know what works for you D. Meat does present problems for my bowels. I do heed various articles, but don't allow them to dictate what I eat. I let my own body tell me what is what. Meat in small quantity ... very small quantity is all I think I will be doing. Not like 90% meat and 10% Potatoes. I know the amount of water that goes into meat is as much an issue as the amount of water that goes into thrown out fashion clothes. Just keep doing what you feel makes whatever D. We both agree we will suffer anyways? :)

I had teeth issues with bits getting stuck which resulted in sore gum and blood. I will try in a soup mix next. I don't mind eating a little, but don't beleive we need to eat anywhere near the amount that is produced. I understand the science re free radical as well as undigested food. That said, I am willing to let all the fanatics on both sides slog it out. I will sit back an eat a little of everything while they do. I have other issues that take priority. Like existing at all.

[Ponder]

Could not help myself ... had another piece of mutton tonight. Throat still sore but on the mend.

You feeling any better?

[Dahila]

yesterday we had bbq steaks , jeez I had never enjoy steak so much. The meat is different that the one I buy at store, Incredible worth the money . It is funny to see my hubby eating like I do, meat and a lot of veggies. I would have a piece of meat and 4 times the amount of salad, I am feeling a bit better. less pain. less anxiety I think the oil is working.

[Ponder]

Hey D - I just finished Binge watching:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QbKxQfeLRk

I found it on STAN (Stereotypical garbage streamer [Sadly Netflix getting that way too] that I usually don't watch) and gave the 1st ep a fair watch. I was hooked after two eps in ... pulled up and decided to watch it over 3 days.

Now I am left hanging as ABC canceled (https://deadline.com/2018/05/the-crossing-canceled-abc-one-season-1202383972/). GRRRRRRRRR Going by the comments at the latter link ... seem a lot of people were left pissed off. But ... should of expected as much as lately there has been many let downs ... dare I say Game of Thrones.

If you know of any other good watches let me know. I watched The 100 (I think you have watched all of that one) but gave up because it took too long before the next season came out. I might start watching that one again ... not sure. 1st season was like watching a teen age high school flick. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I hope the following seasons are not like kiddies running around a maze kind of thing all on heat???? Please could you confirm if The 100 actaully has some older actors in it ... OR is it still all just a bunch of children slogging measuring dicks?

No offense intended. I think you actually liked it. I watched way too many high school flicks and have kind of evolved since then. Into what I don't know. Just a creepy old bastard with no time for buffy the vampire or likewise kiddy sci-fi fantasy. The sci-fi gene has gone to shit because of unbalanced casting and mixing of fantasy that should have it's very own shelf. Need to at the very least have a balanced cast for me. Lone children and star ships don't mix. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Dahila]

oh shoot I liked it, I thought it is going to be renewed :( I watch the 100, Elementary, Krypton; stupid but nice watch . The handmaid's tale , Finished the season 1 of Warrior (martial arts) , the passage was reneved, I like it, the expanse coming back for 4th season, movie Glass, fantastic movie. When I see nice one I will tell you , watch ozark on Neflix. Now on Summertime not many tv series are on. They will be back when the school starts

[Ponder]

Lol "They will be back when school starts. Rofl

Thanks D. I will check out your recomendation. I'll try to be kind if not to my liking. :)

I guess the drama has recycled too much for me. Thanks though. You have steered me good for the most part. Thx again

[Ponder]

Chesty cough but need to get out of house. Throat at lest feels better. Leaving door now. Nice a cool here. Winter does not last long and its quite mild by your standards. Need the fresh air!

https://i.ibb.co/txhnF79/15611889429222258350246252141618.jpg

[Ponder]

Was only a short walk. I checked Ozark trailer having not long got back. Kind of feels like Breaking Bad where the guy lives a double life? Might of got that wrong. Anyways ... I like the leading actor in 'Travelers' (if it's him?) ... Looks good enough that I will wait and see if Lisa also wants to watch. I generally like to save the good ones for us both to watch.

OK ... That's it for my multiple posts today. Going to play some Cities Skylines :)

[Ponder]

Ozark is looking good. Thanks D :)

[Dahila]

np...................

[Ponder]

I nearly finished watching Ozark. Lisa bailed out after the first two eps. :) I have to admit I found breaking bad to be more riveting. I think the fact that it has elements of something already done, and done quite well, has made this less appealing for me ... but good enough to keep me distracted. I do like the leading actor. (Jason Bateman) I don't know why I thought he was Eric McÇormack from Travelers as after checking that out they do look rather different. I think it was mannerisms, tone and a few other elements that had me thinking that way. Not sure if season four of Travelers will be realized. I hope so. I found that a better watch, but still thankful for the distraction of Ozark. So yea, thanks again for that. Just so much garbage out there these days. Ozark is a rehash, but has enough of a balanced cast with interesting characters ... therefore pulls it off despite almost identical scenes I have already seen.

What else has been happening? I am about ready to start ordering components for a new PC build. Let me have a little rave about one aspect of that. :)

KEYBOARD TECHNOLOGY!!!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keyboard_technology

Just like with choosing an optimal display to do my chosen graphics card justice, so to I am aiming to select a keyboard that does not intrude on my gaming/PC experience. Just because I am looking to build a High End Gaming PC does not mean I will suffer the extreme noise of a mechanical keyboard. Been there and done that with a $150 Macro Bling Bling Keyboard. One of the greatest features of my gaming laptop is the ultra smooth and ultra quiet operation I had ever had the pleasure of using since I sold my last custom build desktop.

Just like most consumers of our day ... we are like sheep! I'm always having to catch myself as I come down from all the BS hype associated with pretty images and mind numbing background music when researching what my next purchase will be. The group mentality in gaming is probably more bias than religion itself. Fuck those over-sided clunky keys with a vertical drop that feels a cliff more than it does a quick press, hop skip and a jump. Hell buy the time I have depressed and I battling to lift raise my fingers atop of those over sized blocks! Those wiz bang mechanical keyboards are extremely loud and cumbersome. No word of a lie, I would be like click click click CLICK CLICK CLICK and an almighty cry would snap me out of it - "Will you shut the fuck up!!!" My darling wife Lisa who already had issues with my gaming mouse ... click click click and so on.

I did upgrade my mouse once I was experience a new life of peace on this here ultra quiet gaming laptop. Like I am also spending big money and selecting components on my next build specicfically for thier low noise levels ... why the fuck would I ruin that with an extremely loud intrusive mechanical keyboard? Fucking sheep ... bahahaha bahahaha bahahaha ... I am sensing I do not want to purchase a Mechanical Keyboard.

SO - after all the gas bagging I finally discovered that the ultra quiet and super responsive tech that makes up a high end laptop keyboard is refereed to as a Scissor-switch keys. Pro and Cons of course. Cons I am already well aware off and have already worked around. The pros are simply way more worth the while for me. Much faster typing due to low profile and close contact points yet with enough click for a full tactile feel. The human finger tips are one of our most senory body parts, so why the fuck people need oversised keys that make about as much noise as a peacock revving a Harley Davidson or V8 supper charged dick ... Christ only knows. bahahaha bahahaha bahahaha ...

Also the flashing lights is BS for me as well. LOL ... there is such a thing as too much distraction ... to much flashing lights = exhaustion for me. Might have a fit as well. Thankfully the following keybaord can be setup so the lights are static or switched off. I don't mind the lighting ... especial at night. Just not the epileptic RGB hype. To be sure most of the gear I chose will be RGB mostly because that's the BS hype that is going into high end components. As long of the transitions are slow and not looking like a fucking disco hypnotic ADHD trance bending trip effect ... then I'm down for that.

Anyways ... I found a scissor switch keyboard with a ghosting feature which is not something I suffer from. The marco options for today is moot as most games now have advance keybinding so yea ... another BS thing I don't really need. Maybe once in a blue moon for older games or idiot game developers that lock down keybinding probably because they are in beds with gaming keyboard manufactures. I just boycott games like those and get an instant refund on steam when purchasing on that front end.

BONUS IS THIS THING IS CHEAP ... I don't give two fucks as until I find a dedicated scissor switch low profile gaming keyboard ... this things looks butter smooth and quiet. In fact ... anyone on my friends list who wishes to use disocord, skype or any other audio calling software to communicate in game will be requested to only use push to talk, so myself and my other friends don't have to put of with that fucking BS invasive, clunky mechanical sound ... clunk clunk clunk, while we are all trying to enjoy the peace and harmony of our open world games. Once again ... yea yea ... not an issue for psychopaths constantly blazing away or hacking and slashing like killer clowns on steroids.



LOL - Love this guys intro ... Just don't need my keyboard to bounce around like that is all. :)
Desktop Keyboard ... but Laptop quiet, yet ultra responsive - lights can be deactivated and or made to be static. Cheap but good products .. have good reviews! Only the sheep laugh it. Upmarket equivalent scissor-switch keys with Mac branding is up to 4 to 5 times the price.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGxqEAfay0w&t=242s

OK ... what's next on my list?????

Monitors ... OH THE FUCKING HYPE WITH RESOLUTION. I tell ya D - Fucking sheep consumers.

I leave that story for tomorrow as I take my time to nail the best 1080p ultra wide monitor. That is if I don't waste all my cash on a 2K setup. I just can't justify for BS expense for a 2K setup. 4K is the ultimate joke; still this day and age. Consumers ... sheep!!!!!

Well that was pretty cool ... Hopefully I will work out a High End Budget Setup soon enough. That's going to be a LOOOOONG post ... this was nothing ... you know me.

PS - I have had little time for BS this last week. Is what it is.

Night night ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! Srry Darl ....

[Ponder]

Hey D - QUESTION for ya.

I know you have a 27 inch 1920X1080 Monitor and if my memory serves me correctly ... for the most part you were saying how you really enjoy it.

How are you finding the text. Is it easier enough to read? Easy on your eyes? Is surfing the internet a pleasing experience since you increased from 24 inch to 27 inch screen?

Now I go to bed. :)

[Dahila]

yes, yes and yes, It was repaired I mean they change the panel, (still on warranty) and I had to use my 21.3 I think screen the difference was incredible. I really enjoy my 27" and probably if I have money I will get the bigger one 32 and curved, Right now I am extremely happy with print and easy reading and what is the most important is the quality of picture and colors. On the old one still flat digital I could not make print darker, on this one I did not have to do any changes . It is perfect and so much easier on eyes
Monitor is 27" Samsung, and the graphic card (it is important) is Nividia GEForce GTX 1050 :)
I have low profile and kind of quiet keyboard , I believe it is the best keyboard I ever had Microsoft 3000 wired, I need a new one the way Microsoft 3050works is great but I can not find the wired one. it pisses me off I do not want wireless cause it is always slacking in W10
I have my own room for computer and I have a hearing loss so the noise does no bother me. this keyboard is more like laptop keyboard, and I like it, higher buttons bother me a lot they just not working for me. I tend to hit both at the time on the high ones. the lower laptop like keyboard the better for me and I do type like crazy not looking at my hands but on computer screen :)

[Ponder]

That's great news about your viewing experience re your new monitor. Your validation goes a long way towards my monitor selection. Thanks ever so much!!! Excuse me whilst I again get all long winded about my next proposed purchase. The previous rant yielded good results re keyboard selection for my purposes.

Actually I got to go to the doctors. GRRRRRR I so hate those fucking places.

Where was I? Speed typing I guess.

My laptop has a dedicated GTX1060 6GB VR ... Whilst it's a bit long in the tooth, it's still does an amazing job with most games I play and also still some of the new releases; although now having to play on low settings with the spanking new titles. So it is, that this opportunity to upgrade is quite a blessing. Sigh ... why does that term feel so bullshit like? I fucking deserve this upgrade. That's more like it!!!

Back to Monitor Choice. Not happy with Gsync availability for the particular aspect ratio and resolution. The last two elements requiring a little thought re pros and cons.

I'm sticking with 1080 resolution because it still looks fucking nice to me. 2K is great for those who can afford the components to run it blissfully. Sadly many people are getting sucked into simply for the sake of being able to say they have a higher resolution. The hype and prestige is all about the higher numbers the pixels snobs and sheep. Whilst higher numbers do matter when it comes to increased power ... it's not a very VERY grey area.

I like high frame rates as well as gloss. In a nut shell - The reason 1080p has been around way longer than any other resolution, is because it's a fucking good resolution that works fucking well!!! It's true as you go up in screen size per set resolution that there will be less pixels per inch on one's screen. This is why I asked you about how you FEEL ... when reading your text on a larger screen at the same rez. I walked into a shop the other day and saw a 32 inch monitor. It looked like shit! I walked building up the courage to ask the sales assistance if I could check out the display settings. Sure enough ... the recommended settings were listed as 1920X1080 not 2560x1440 (2K) as was the previous setting. I suspect the cheap 32 inch curved monitor had a native resolution of 1920X1080, BUT, connected to a system with a 2K capable video card. Not using the native resolution is what looks like shit. Scaling also looks like crap. It's all about the native resolution and screen size = personal preference with an individuals inability/ability re viewing. Fucking pixel snobs do not account for that. Not such thing as better. Fucking idiots! At any rate, once I selected the recommended 1080 rez ... the text look more than good enough for me. My only issues was more to do with the quality of lighting, contrast, color, viewing angle and so forth. It was cheap in that regard. Possible a TN Panel (though they do make for fast FPD on lower end comments)

Bla bla bla ... I know ... but it all does factor into it and this chore of looking for parts is not the same as it used to be. So many trolls with negative comments that have no fucking idea or sensibility. Obviously I am letting lose in my own foul mouthed mentality ... but it feels OK to me, because it's in a forum for fucked up brains with very little activity. Just the way I fucking like it!!!!!!!!!!! To be sure it's a spirit that passes on like electricity.

So not long ago I walks into my daughters room (before she left for england) and I was like staring at her 42 inch screen thinking the new Xbox she just bought looked fucking smick on that so called pissy little 1080 screen. lol. She was sitting about 5 foot back from it as is a small room. So I am not buying into this whole 2K 4K BS ... YES ... it's more gloss ... but factors such as playing 1080 content or even standard definition on a 4K looks like shit compared to playing that source on a 1080 native screen. Again ... the pixel snobs care less to acknowledge such fact and the sheep have no fucking idea other than singing the PPI song. In that light 1080 actually has an advantage and given that the 1080 rez itself still looks fucking good on a quality screen relative to viewing distance and bla bla bla ... OK OK ... there is actually more to justify the quality of 1080 ... but I'm done bashing spoiled consumers and or more like stupidity. Yea take that you fucking pixel snobs!!! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif More to the point ... I know better. I'm just in a shitty mood of late and this trolling in my own thread feels fucking good.

ASPECT RATIO / Viewing Format - OK ... enough bashing. Screen size does actually impact PPI but I am OK with 27 inch and given all the bashing against 34inch Ultra Wide gaming on a 1080, I'll buy it just in spite of those bitching against it. No one has really done a Video on that experience but I did find this:
https://www.reddit.com/r/ultrawidemasterrace/comments/5v3zst/everyone_told_me_dont_youll_regret_it_i_didnt/

Seems more people are wising up to the HYPE! I'll put it this way ... to play on ULTRA SETTINGS with 100+ more frames per second and have it stay that way for years to come, to do that on a 2K resolution will cost about around 4000us or in my case close to 6 grand. The gloss and sharpness is an improvement, but just not enough to justify those extreme prices and once again ... there are sill many of us that get a kick our of Ultra settings @ 1080p.

Now all that said, for me (purely subjective) I do think 32inch 1080p with aspect ratio of standard 16:9 wide screen is starting to get too blurry for text. Not sure if your reading this far D as I do crap on. I am doing so because my money is in and I am ready to drop buy. Thinking out loud really helps. In terms of pixel peeping ... I am subject to such detailing. I agree with many others that 24 inch 16:9 is the sweet spot ... but having looked at cheap rubbish 27 inch monitors that are actually displaying in the native res of 1080 ... they look more than good enough!

34 inch Ultra wide Monitors with an aspect ratio of 21:9 (Not standard 16:9) are actually only as high as a 27 inch 16:9 ... in fact the PPI is slightly more than a standard 27 but not by much. For me a 32inch standard 16:9 does in fact look too pixely for 'my' sitting distance and my bias re image quality. I admit for all the bashing of pixal snobs, I do suffer from such a disorder and 32icn standard is where I pull the line ... unless sitting back at a bare minimum of 3+ feet, yet the screen will still not be a tight as a 27, just as a 27 not as tight as a 24. You just lose too much contrast and sharpness going up in size as a set resolution. I'll pay that ... just not the fucking hype with 2K and the extreme cost to run a ultra settings with 100+ fps for years to come. FUCK THAT!

CURVED OR NOT ???
I'm sure this is an issue for cheap screens. I don't doubt it. Even more of an issue for photo editing. I'll keep another monitor for that ... yet I am done with my photography as I have lost desire for many things. Photography is just another BS consumer product rather than a pastime as I once connected with it. I do hope that one day my desire to connect with nature will return ... but fuck society ... I am all digital for now ... which is another story. I'm 1080 old school ... fuck the dogma of old and fuck all the new sheep as well.

Moving on ... just like the rest of all the new tech, features and so on ... its all subject to ones abilty and means. Even my new build should not overshadow someone else who is running on less. I guess that it were all my frustration comes from ... arrogant fuckers in the gaming world ... in the world full stop. Curved on an ultra wide desktop monitor makes sense ... even if it's only slight. On a Large TV it's a joke. Unless your sitting 3 feet from in and in that case ... yea ... what the fuck ever. on this I will have to give feed back after the fact. I'd love to do a video ... especially if I am happy and end up with ZERO buyers remorse. I would have a blast sticking it back all those pixel snobs and sheep. But who am I kidding ... I would get zero views :) Like I said ... fuck all those likes and subscribes ... fuck all those shallow cunts.

SO WHERE TO NOW ... WHAT ADD TO CART WILL I CLICK?

AMD VS NVIDA ... Now there's a topic of concern for me.

I am hungry ... I eat, then more searching as to cost of video cards and branding ... such will determine the rest of my build. Like I said at start of post ... I am having a hard time finding a 34 inch ULTRA WIDE 2560 x 1080 Gsync monitor (in my country) with Nvidia and intel being my preference. I am very well be stuck with an AMD graphics and display set up with FreeSync being my only option re display availability for a 21:9 @34 inch (but = in PPI to a 27) bla bla bla

BRB

[Ponder]

Thankfully I found a Gsync 1080 refurnished for a good price ... but this is doing my head in ... need a break. :) Either I go all out ... I or I streamline with future upgrades in mind ... decisions decisions ...

[Ponder]

D - check your PM .......................

[Dahila]

1920X1080 this is my resolution and the picture is so crispy. the colors very natural , i had not change anything in it's settings.

[Ponder]

I am here D - OK ... I understand. Even if it's just us keeping this place active ... then so be it.

I am exhausted as have been extensively researching my new build since the last time I posted. All the parts will be on their way as soon as they pack them.

In the mean time I only have the energy to share a video I left as a message for my gaming partner. Of little interested to yourself ... but I share for the sake of simply logging it in as an entry ... caring less for the million views. LOL It is hoped that with the new PC build I will be able to stream live in order to communicate and actually learn some of these games with feedback with my friend over the phone. Something like that.

Anyways .. I fill you in on the latest as feeling better now ... at least a little. I know more why I was getting frustrated ... it never really ends. Meh ... :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DP1NRcwgrII&t=29s

[Dahila]

I hope you got my message. Could not answer . so you really building one, It makes me happy, I do not know why
Computers excite me and that the story

[Ponder]

YEP - My Ultrawide 34 inch 2560X1080 monitor turned up today!!! I feel just like you did when yours arrived.

All my PC Part are soon to be delivered ... probably early next week. All up I spent just short of $5000 Australian on Both Monitor and PC Parts. It's my Dream Computer and it has made me happy ... although happiness is probably not the right word.

I gave Lisa half my money. I have spent all mine now. I have to be honest and tell you I am glad I have spent it all. I prepared many months ahead of time researching making sure that knowing I was going to spend it all when it arrived ... to ensure that I got the best of what was available at the time. It's a bit of an irony that the bulk of my money went on computer tech when it is changing all the time. The thing is, that I was in a good position to make sure I got the best matching parts which is the hardest part when you don't have a bulk load to purchase in one hit.

Anyways ... I don't have to justify myself. You know where the money came from. It's also an irony that out of all the kids I was one of the one's that received the least. My sister Objected reminding the others and the court that if I had not reacted, researched, created the FB page, feilded the phones calls and so on ... that none of them would got a red cent. She also reasoned with my own objections re the negative impact and unfairness to the process of - hierarchy of abuse.

I don't mean to go on about it ... just saying is all. Life is full of irony. My sister was outed by these other folk that she once refereed to as friends. Her objection help up the payouts ... for that she was scorned. In the end my sister basically match my payout as a consultation to the way I was measured (basically dismissed) ... I gave that money to me wife. My Sister was very happy that I could do that. Lisa is getting one of those Therapy Motorized Chairs (3 motors (one for the neck and head) ... all been researched :) My sister also gave the substantial rest of her own ... all to her daughter.

We know how to spend money ... people who don't have any - generally do. Hmmmm ... actually that's not always true. I do struggle having a load of it on me at any one time ... but do good thinking about my needs before hand. When I'm not all fucked up that is.
_______________________________

The Process of it all ... Money comes and goes .. The process is not so easy to let go off and has been rather questionable and it took a couple of years. Sigh ...

NOW - the next bit when Lisa and I have the energy - SOONER THAN LATER ... Is to work on over turning the Honorable Award refereed to as The Order of Australia ... or something like that. That the ticket in my book. You see ... it's all about status for people in power. More so than the money. His Family would take a hit as well ... seeing his name taken of such an honorable list.

For now ... the little one is living with us D ... long story. It needs to be done for now ... I just leave that at that and no go too deeply there. A lot always going on. It never end.

I look forward to doing a little video on my computer screen and PC build ... it might make you feel good to see me excited and with a smile.

Well ... that's about it for now.
_________________________

I do hope this finds you well. Very sorry what happened in Facebook. Yes I did read a message as to why. Not sure what to say .. other than I hope your able to find an alternative or be back up and running in no time.

Forgive me for being so self absorbed with my own stuff ... my head is spinning from a lot of consumer purchases. Once again ... I am glad it's come to an end. At least in such a large amount.

I have no issue now with whatever or whoever got what ... Life is never fair, yet if I hold onto the bitterness it just makes it worse. In fact the way my sister was treated for standing up for her brother ... well ... I guess it just goes to show that money really doesn't matter. I am back in good relations with both my mum and my sister. My brother would be so happy if he was still with us; to see that in the end I was able to unload all that shit re that nightmare children's home and us family now all genuinely respecting the other.

Forgive the long post. You know that's just me. You one of the few that never bitches about my walls of text.

Thx D :)

[Ponder]

What's up D - You hear our voices echoing in this place? I do.

[Ponder]

Don't have the head space for it right now ... but very glad it's all accounted for and sitting safely under my table. I've never used a water cooler before ... so going to take this build a bit slower. Too much going on right now.


:) :) :)

https://i.ibb.co/xS406yW/My-PC-Parts-Arrived.jpg

[Dahila]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Thats beautiful. Should I get the ticket and get there? To watch you build it? I went to check what graphic card I have yours is better, much better but it is over the year the computer
Thank you for the pic P. :)
the case and cooling is first class !

[Ponder]

Thanks for the kind words. :) Yea ... the next graphic card up from that was $2000 (quality branding and same specs) Or a Cheap version $1600.

I specifically stuck with 2560X1080 so the one pictured could nail 166+FPS & 166Hz on my new IPS. But whatever ...

I have been having fun Bench marking my GTX1060 in the Laptop whilst currently running the new 34inch Ultra Wide. (Equivalent height of your 27inch but wide is all.
_____________________________________________

I have no time for building yet. The little fella has an RSV virus or something like that ... very Nasty ... both list and I sound like we have influenza. It's been very hard dealing with the new living arrangements re no looking after my grandson - AND - It's school holidays. LOL I am just sad that we are all sick whilst he does not have to go to school. Not to worry.

Somehow we will get though all this.

[salvator here]

Reading Google on Health Issues sure can suck! Now I know how people with Health Anxiety feel. I best load up a game. Hope this finds you well D.

SAL ... what you doing buddy? Say hello to crusty!!! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/jobs/clown-smiley-emoticon.gif I got a get a hold of this shit. Back to the fruits and veggies I guess. So damn hard. I tell ya D.Hey D and D. I'll spend tomorrow to catch up. Haven't been around here much anymore but glad the forum is still going. I won't lie, its been rough lately for me and some days its hard to get out of bed, but I still do. So much I could say but I don't have the energy to even write it. Been up and down on the med roller coaster again.. yeah, same old - same old. In so much physical pain as well now as my back is giving out on me at 46 and that sucks.

I do hope you can get a hold of whats going on with that rash. Looks very uncomfortable.

I will check back in soon and write more hopefully when I can think clearly. I have to take it day-by-day because if I look too far ahead things don't look promising for me. Also I don't want to complain on your thread, I'm just happy you both think of me at all still.

Take care and I'm thinking about you both and I always remember what you both have said for advice.

[salvator here]

Let's have a laugh hey:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVVo036N9OYOH I loved him. Thanks for that - that sort of perked me up and took my mind of my own crap.

[Ponder]

Hehehe - Yea that was a good one hey. So pleased to see you dropped by man. Yea ... wish I was in a space to life you up. :( .... Seriously man, if sharing how you feel helps I don't care what you say. I've missed you dude. I've put on like 20kg myself. Let's suffer together. Is how D and I get through it ... :)

Vert tired myself ... here is a image of me computer setup so far. Still yet to build ... is an empty case for now. The new monitor is AWESOME! ... I try to be happy about that. : ) Pleased to say that chair reclines all the way back like a Lazy Boy. Is going to be hard to get out of the house now. LMFAO!!!

Pretty much why I have set up like so.


https://i.ibb.co/wyTq9yq/Set-up-so-far.jpg (https://ibb.co/tBS67B6)

[Dahila]

Hi Sal it is so good to see you, at least we know that you still are. I got attached to people and think about them, you are one of them. My heart goes to you and to D.
I noticed greenish shade of my face seeing you pic D. Wow wow, that much I can say, You know how much I am into computers ;)

[salvator here]

Thank you both, I'll try to keep in touch more frequently now. :)

[Dahila]

https://youtu.be/liEPFoj4qfw