anxiousjoe
12-02-2008, 10:55 PM
I'm new to this forum and here's a little bio: I'm Joe and I'm 26 years old. I'm about 6' tall and 200lbs so I'm pretty healthy. I have a daughter almost 18 months old. I'm a stay at home dad for the moment, for personal reasons. (mainly anxiety)
I've always had issues with anxiety since I was a little boy. I cared little for new things and when I had to make basic phone calls I'd pace around and plan exactly what I was going to say and even go through a list of possible reactions I was going to get to each thing I was going to say.
Getting a little older, I'd get very anxious about any sort of appointment and especially something like a job interview. I know that's typically normal even for people without anxiety disorders, but I'm just letting you know a little how my mind works.
Besides a few little things, anxiety never really played a detrimental role in my life. It never stopped me from doing things. I never felt any physical symptoms of it that were persistent.
About a month or so ago, I had a severe panic attack. It was insane. I was at a bible study/sermon with a couple of close friends and during worship and song I started to feel odd. Well, let me stop for a second. I had been feeling "odd" all day. I had this feeling in my mind that something was going to go wrong. Back to the odd feeling I had during the worship. I was concentrating on the words on the projector and it got a little blurry. I started to get really lightheaded and I lost my breathe. I was sweating badly and I felt weak and tingly all over. My heart was pounding very fast and hard. I pinched my eyes and hoped no one was watching. I took off to the bathroom and tried splashing water on my face. I thought it was going to be the end. I was dying. I went back into the sermon and tried to pretend like nothing was wrong. I had to try and keep my breath going and I started to feel my throat close up. I was surprised no one saw what was going on with me. On my way home, (my buddy drove) I could hardly talk. I had a hard time getting out what I wanted to say and it felt like my voice was weak. I got home and as soon as I sat down it hit me hard again. I had to get up and try and fight off passing out. I thought it was a panic attack, but I've had a couple before and they all went away within a minute or so. It had been a few hours or so already. I kept thinking I need to go to the ER. I decided I'd try and hold out for another hour or two to see if it stops since me going to the ER would require me to resurrect my fiance and daughter from bed. I felt so tingly. My vision seemed blurry and foggy. I felt like I was going to stop breathing. My heart was pounding all this time. It seemed after about a half hour of pacing and coaching myself I'd get calm enough to where I felt I could sit down. When I sat down the heater made a clanking noise, a noise I'm quite familiar with and has no affect on me except for that I hear it, and I literally just about jumped out of my skin. We have one of those air fresheners that shoots every 9 minutes and I've gotten quite used to that too. When that would go off I'd jump like a scared school girl also. After about 5 hours after this started, I woke my fiance and told her we needed to go to the ER. When I got there my pulse was 140. They hooked me to an EKG and ran a bunch of blood tests. My heart was fine and the bloodwork came back normal. They gave me ativan which helped a ton. I still felt tingly all over, though.
Since then, I have lost any control over anxiety I've had in the past. I wake up anxious and go to sleep anxious. My symptoms that I feel are all the time. I've talked to my GP about it who put me on a beta blocker to keep my heart from racing so badly and put me on buspar. I've been taking it for a few weeks now and it hasn't done a damn thing. My GP told me to stay away from the ativan I got from the ER. That ticks me off since it's the only thing that's ever helped me.
Day to day I feel tingly all over. I'm constantly dealing with vision blur. Which I can see fine, it just seems like there's static everywhere. My face feels numb, especially my lips and nose and above my eyes. My arms, hands and fingers feel that way too. So do my legs, feet and toes. About half of the day I feel like my guts are in a bind and I lose my appetite. When I take an ativan that my doctor doesn't want me taking I feel fine and can eat. My head feels like there's pressure inside. Like a pressure that "wanders".. or never in the same place. It's always moving. My scalp feels like it's crawling and my hands are alway drenched. Every once in a while I get a feeling in my throat that feels like a tennis ball is stuck. It all gets worse when I think about it and when it gets worse I think about it more which just keeps revolving and getting worse. I've been going to sleep later hoping that when I go to sleep I'll be tired enough to ignore how I feel and get to sleep quickly which never does and then I lie in bed for a couple hours before I get a wink of sleep.
My anxiety has been keeping me at home, too. I don't want to go anywhere because I'm afraid I'll have a panic attack and there's no way for me to get out. Plus, I'm afraid someone will see me a time so unpleasant. I even missed my familys' thanksgiving dinner this year in fear I'll have a panic attack. It's ruining my life. Since the start, if I go visit a friend I feel like I have to get home right away because I only feel safe at home now.
This last month of my life has been miserable. I can't function like this. My doctor doesn't want me taking anything that I may get addicted to and I've been out of ativan for a couple weeks since I only got 10. It frustrates me that my doctor doesn't understand how I feel and give me something that is going to relieve my anxiety. The medication I'm on now doesn't do a damn thing and gives me brain zaps every time I take it. I have an appointment with a shrink but that's not til the 9th of this month. It was the soonest appointment I could get. I'm hoping they will help me out in the medication area a little bit. I'm at my wits end with this. I don't understand why I can't get over this. It's even starting to get depressing. I never thought my mind could be this weak. I've always overcome things and now I'm afraid to leave my house. I can't get over the feeling there is something wrong with me even though three doctors including 2 ER visits have told me it's all anxiety. I never thought anxiety could be like this. I never thought it could cause anyone to feel like this. I never get a break from my symptoms. Well, I do have some decent days, but not many. And a decent day to me now is if I feel normal at all in a given day.
Does anyone else feel like this? I constantly feel like they are wrong and there is something ailing me which causes me to have a panic attack.
I've tried the self help crap and meditation, but that only makes me clear my mind of the things that distract me from how I feel and I, in turn, feel much worse.
I've had almost every symptom that is on the longest list of symptoms of anxiety I've ever found and I feel a good bunch of them almost constantly. Is there relief from this crap? I can't seem to find any. I feel like I'm losing a war with my mind.
I just wanted to vent a little and hear other peoples' stories and opinions. If you have anything interesting or any tips, please feel free.
Thanks for listening,
Joe
I've always had issues with anxiety since I was a little boy. I cared little for new things and when I had to make basic phone calls I'd pace around and plan exactly what I was going to say and even go through a list of possible reactions I was going to get to each thing I was going to say.
Getting a little older, I'd get very anxious about any sort of appointment and especially something like a job interview. I know that's typically normal even for people without anxiety disorders, but I'm just letting you know a little how my mind works.
Besides a few little things, anxiety never really played a detrimental role in my life. It never stopped me from doing things. I never felt any physical symptoms of it that were persistent.
About a month or so ago, I had a severe panic attack. It was insane. I was at a bible study/sermon with a couple of close friends and during worship and song I started to feel odd. Well, let me stop for a second. I had been feeling "odd" all day. I had this feeling in my mind that something was going to go wrong. Back to the odd feeling I had during the worship. I was concentrating on the words on the projector and it got a little blurry. I started to get really lightheaded and I lost my breathe. I was sweating badly and I felt weak and tingly all over. My heart was pounding very fast and hard. I pinched my eyes and hoped no one was watching. I took off to the bathroom and tried splashing water on my face. I thought it was going to be the end. I was dying. I went back into the sermon and tried to pretend like nothing was wrong. I had to try and keep my breath going and I started to feel my throat close up. I was surprised no one saw what was going on with me. On my way home, (my buddy drove) I could hardly talk. I had a hard time getting out what I wanted to say and it felt like my voice was weak. I got home and as soon as I sat down it hit me hard again. I had to get up and try and fight off passing out. I thought it was a panic attack, but I've had a couple before and they all went away within a minute or so. It had been a few hours or so already. I kept thinking I need to go to the ER. I decided I'd try and hold out for another hour or two to see if it stops since me going to the ER would require me to resurrect my fiance and daughter from bed. I felt so tingly. My vision seemed blurry and foggy. I felt like I was going to stop breathing. My heart was pounding all this time. It seemed after about a half hour of pacing and coaching myself I'd get calm enough to where I felt I could sit down. When I sat down the heater made a clanking noise, a noise I'm quite familiar with and has no affect on me except for that I hear it, and I literally just about jumped out of my skin. We have one of those air fresheners that shoots every 9 minutes and I've gotten quite used to that too. When that would go off I'd jump like a scared school girl also. After about 5 hours after this started, I woke my fiance and told her we needed to go to the ER. When I got there my pulse was 140. They hooked me to an EKG and ran a bunch of blood tests. My heart was fine and the bloodwork came back normal. They gave me ativan which helped a ton. I still felt tingly all over, though.
Since then, I have lost any control over anxiety I've had in the past. I wake up anxious and go to sleep anxious. My symptoms that I feel are all the time. I've talked to my GP about it who put me on a beta blocker to keep my heart from racing so badly and put me on buspar. I've been taking it for a few weeks now and it hasn't done a damn thing. My GP told me to stay away from the ativan I got from the ER. That ticks me off since it's the only thing that's ever helped me.
Day to day I feel tingly all over. I'm constantly dealing with vision blur. Which I can see fine, it just seems like there's static everywhere. My face feels numb, especially my lips and nose and above my eyes. My arms, hands and fingers feel that way too. So do my legs, feet and toes. About half of the day I feel like my guts are in a bind and I lose my appetite. When I take an ativan that my doctor doesn't want me taking I feel fine and can eat. My head feels like there's pressure inside. Like a pressure that "wanders".. or never in the same place. It's always moving. My scalp feels like it's crawling and my hands are alway drenched. Every once in a while I get a feeling in my throat that feels like a tennis ball is stuck. It all gets worse when I think about it and when it gets worse I think about it more which just keeps revolving and getting worse. I've been going to sleep later hoping that when I go to sleep I'll be tired enough to ignore how I feel and get to sleep quickly which never does and then I lie in bed for a couple hours before I get a wink of sleep.
My anxiety has been keeping me at home, too. I don't want to go anywhere because I'm afraid I'll have a panic attack and there's no way for me to get out. Plus, I'm afraid someone will see me a time so unpleasant. I even missed my familys' thanksgiving dinner this year in fear I'll have a panic attack. It's ruining my life. Since the start, if I go visit a friend I feel like I have to get home right away because I only feel safe at home now.
This last month of my life has been miserable. I can't function like this. My doctor doesn't want me taking anything that I may get addicted to and I've been out of ativan for a couple weeks since I only got 10. It frustrates me that my doctor doesn't understand how I feel and give me something that is going to relieve my anxiety. The medication I'm on now doesn't do a damn thing and gives me brain zaps every time I take it. I have an appointment with a shrink but that's not til the 9th of this month. It was the soonest appointment I could get. I'm hoping they will help me out in the medication area a little bit. I'm at my wits end with this. I don't understand why I can't get over this. It's even starting to get depressing. I never thought my mind could be this weak. I've always overcome things and now I'm afraid to leave my house. I can't get over the feeling there is something wrong with me even though three doctors including 2 ER visits have told me it's all anxiety. I never thought anxiety could be like this. I never thought it could cause anyone to feel like this. I never get a break from my symptoms. Well, I do have some decent days, but not many. And a decent day to me now is if I feel normal at all in a given day.
Does anyone else feel like this? I constantly feel like they are wrong and there is something ailing me which causes me to have a panic attack.
I've tried the self help crap and meditation, but that only makes me clear my mind of the things that distract me from how I feel and I, in turn, feel much worse.
I've had almost every symptom that is on the longest list of symptoms of anxiety I've ever found and I feel a good bunch of them almost constantly. Is there relief from this crap? I can't seem to find any. I feel like I'm losing a war with my mind.
I just wanted to vent a little and hear other peoples' stories and opinions. If you have anything interesting or any tips, please feel free.
Thanks for listening,
Joe