How to Feed Our Demons - The Mental Health Approach -

[Ponder]

Reverse Psychology without the judgement - Don't Fight - Don't Run - Find out what it wants ... then give it what it wants. Just be sure to do so with love.
https://image.ibb.co/mOd5G7/Feeding_Your_Demons.png
I’m sitting here looking at the clinical report that was used to pension me off back in 2012: ‘Mr -------- has a history of clinical depression, generalised anxiety, and social phobia with some agoraphobia, and displays a number of obsessive traits. He has also been treated in the past for Bipolar Disorder, Type I. These disorders impact My -------‘s functioning in a number of significant ways:’
The report goes on to detail these impacts and further breaks down each impairment to finally surmise my significant mental health issues as being of long standing duration and unlikely to remit. Thus I was pensioned off!

It’s been several years now + 30 or more psychotherapy sessions latter with an updated report which pretty much consolidates the one that preceded it back in 2012. I’m pleased to report there has been no more episodes with employment agencies involving me making a scene with a petrol can and rope. I’ve even managed to come of my meds and remain medication free.


So What’s This Thread All About?

It’s about a PEER who understands 1st hand the struggles of living with mental illness. Someone who is reaching out from lived experience but not handcuffed by status or employment. I’ve recently been elected by one of the mental health psychosocialization facilities I attend as a peer representative on a community advisory council. The ethos as I understand it is all about ‘What can we do to improve …’ For the most part I’ve been adapting this principle to remaining stable without the need for mental health medication, employment and or a number of other atypical preconditioned prescriptions.
I’m just another forum user much like I am an active service user. My only difference is that I prefer the unorthodox approach. The latter is something I really hope to discuss among other things all relating to how many of us today cling to our labels like sorry lost souls feeding their demons.

I feel for many of us the trap is how we see our lables. We see them like we see people and then we fall into the dynamic of unhealthy relations. Before continuing on with my next post, I now share the following video. I do so in context with those negative attachments and addictions have with our self-imposed labels:



- Challenging & Insightful - (Anxiety, Depression, Isolation, Vulnerability and the dynamics of addiction in general)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XHbsjopo2Y&list=PLTtbhjtVLRyT4_TJCNmvQyHX noW88k2Am&t=0s&index=3


Another interesting perspective in the link below:
*Note - when reading I benefited from a mental health perspective re attachment and addictions to our illness by replacing people and relations with my labels.
How To Feed Your Demons
(https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-practice-feeding-your-demons/)

[Dahila]

very nice, welcome back Mr. Ponder ;)

[Ponder]

D! You little Devil! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/word/hehe.gif (http://www.sherv.net/)

Hope your feeling better and that you have a good day doing what you do. I surf around later to find more info on how to be friends with ourselves; even when we find it hard to breathe! On that note, I do hope your finding relief?

[Dahila]

Day was not good and my sinuses are trying to push mi to committing something bad, seriously they are driving me crazy, I am on steroids, on herbs, rinsing it 3 times a day, I am already insane
:rolleyes:

[Ponder]

:( - I have nothing insightful to say D - Just concerned for you. I struggle a lot with my nasal issues myself and understand just how demoralizing it can get; especially at night when I try to sleep. For me it's like slowly suffocating to death and the lack of oxygen during the most crucial stage of the brains down time for healing means it effects my cognitively. That said - breathing during the day whereby one only breaths through the mouth also leads to more problems associated with the throat. There are ways that work for me, but since many of us claim we are all different I won't harp on about that.

Here's hoping that you'll find something that works for you and that in the mean time you'll be able to endure the hardships that comes from serious sinus issues.
________________________

On another note ... I am catching up on the remake of that 80s scif TV series known as V

I loved the part the daughter played in Star Gate SG1 as the Ori Queen:

V 2009
https://image.ibb.co/kKO8M7/v.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nq76K7dH9NY)

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nq76K7dH9NY)

[Ponder]

V is turning out to be a good watch all things considered. Each to their own of course.

D - Family Court is pressing and the little one is likely to soon be traumatized with increased visits and the dreaded overnights. :( Sadly it looks unavoidable. I think it's time I started searching for 'social stories' on child abuse to teach my grandson that SMACKING is a huge NO NO ... that it's ABUSE. Of course the reality is that the father comes from a religious background (also patriotic) ... which as you know ... they make the worst abusers in all its forms.

Alas ... time to find more social stories ... on touching - depriving - emotional taunting - playing favorites and so on. :( Bullying and all it's forms. Sadly he may still be in nappies which is going to be a recipe for disaster as was the reason he used to beat he other kids. One thing the family report did get right - is that the father must accept the child's diagnosis of autism before overnight visits or any change to current orders be changed. Alas ... it's really BS as we have been told if we do not accept the proposals as sort from the other side that funding for defense will be pulled and that further attempts to reason our concerns will result in a penalty by forcing the child to be subject for longer visits. TALK ABOUT INTIMIDATION TACTICS that make the children suffer for those who dare to challenge authority. I mean when you have the evidence and you appeal a decision based on one's devotion for justice with only the intention for the child's best interest in mind ... the system threatens to make life harder on children who've they have already deemed the child at risk. Like WTF ... there response to people wishing to appeal being met with threats! Society can go fuck itself!!!

No wonder we have so many down and outs! SIGH ......

I got to get a grip on this because in the end I know the little one will be forced at some point. I'm just still processing as this was the result from the days proceedings. It happens every time like this with still more days ahead before it's resolved and ongoing of course as is life. At least we have bided much needed time and built a pretty good case ... made this fella accountable in other ways and set the stage for denying access (of course with threat of criminal action on the mother - courts famous for victimizing and supporting abusers - already alluded how corrupt that bastards are in paragraph above)

Grrrrrrrr Is hard to find social stories for the little ones to watch and learn about things like this. They have a few social stories online for sexual abuse ... would be nice to find some that deal in all areas of abuse. I wish I could make cartoons myself and then I could script my own stories and upload for others ... fuck knows there are many who would benefit from such reality.

I could rant about how the school the little one is being prepped in uses a BELL that's not a BELL but a fucking SIREN that goes off between periods that sounds like a fucking invasion force is about to land. Actaully I give a FTW hysterical laugh at that one ... I mean how much more controlling than that can you fucking get. What an institutional fear instilling stand over technique is that. Alas ... not up to me to convince or choose his schooling as is not for me to dress and feed him. We have influenced enough in other areas in positive ways ... things could actually be a lot worse. Just saying what a fucked world we really live in despite all these bliss seekers who refuse to associate with anything buzzing below a million beats per second. Selfish Cunts they be. Grrrrrrr - cut ties and run at the first sign of low frequency. lol again ... cowards ... to think they talk in terms of angles and warriors of light. PFFFFFFT fucking new age tophy nose yuppies with fuck all life experience ... to scared to commit to anything but their own reflection.

Sigh....

OK ... Moving on ... Pats his demon on the head and preps his grandson for the nightmare ahead. I'll develop some kind of survival psychology shielding and be prepped for energy clearings when he gets back ... not sure who is going to fix me though? Lately I feel like I am building his strength up so he can endure each visit he currently has ... as when he gets back I can see the exhaustion from the truma ... we start all over again with building his energy back up ... only to watch it depleted each time he is forced to endure and so on.

In my next life I am not having kids ... In my next life I am not having kids ... In my next life I am not having kids ...

Just setting up a subconscious reminder for if ever I just so happen to pop back into existence ... I don't suffer like this all over again. I'm getting too old for this shit.

OK - Poppy rant over and done with.
http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif
PS - Esxcuse the discomfort of my transparency ... thought it was the least I could give back to the universe. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/fighting/angel-smiley-fighting-with-devil.gif

[Dahila]

it is awful , but it is temporary you mark my words, he gets the visits and after two or three he will make excuses not to see little ones. His temper can not be controlled and he is a bit (abuser) scared about consequences. The child had the condition and must be treated according to it. Not according to the abuser will. He is fighting in court to belittle you and your daughter, I know this fucken kind too well.
When he wins the visitation, it is going to be short lived , you will see it. I am just worried that unsuccessful visit will cause trauma..........eh fuck

[Ponder]

Thanks for the acknowledgement D. Means a lot. Sadly many abusers thrive on the act which is why despite not caring for the kids, tthy keep persisting with the visitations in order to act out their control and abuse. Many have said he would of given in by now. Sadly this has not been the case as for us we know well the spite that drives him to persist as he does. He is full of hate that knows no love. He is a victim himself. We are trying out best not to project our fears as mentioned in posts I made in the previous year.

He has persisted abusing his other children for a number of years to three other women and now just broke up with another. The one that tried to fight for rights was quickly shot down by the imperfect system with other others battling with their own addictions. Although we have made tremendous gains in protecting the little one and raised awareness + made this abuse accountable for some of his deeds ... he is determined as he has always been and just like he has been with his others over in years past on ... he is fixated if not more so with his latest son.

We will be watching like hawks for the psycological damage and will deny visits regardless of the systems threats as we'll be sure to back our claims up with appropriate and multiple reports as our grandson deteriorates. ( we sincerely hope this is not the case and strive to work toward hope rather than fear) Sadly the system typically requires these children to be severely beaten and catatonic before entertaining notifications or a withholding visitations before interviening.

If history is anything to go buy gauging by his other kids, this abuser is in it for the long haul. Alas so are we.

Thankfully we have been good at controlling the fear. More so encouraging the little one as we have now gone from calling the abuser friend to now using the word Dad. That transition has been a healthy one for all intents purposes. We are teaching the little one not to fear his dad despite the trauma. At the same time doing our best to teach our grandson to communicate and recognize emotion as you know how it is with autistic ones. Personally they can read much more that we typically think! Other than that I am trying social stories as a means to raise awareness without the need or byproduct of fear as that side effect will only fear the demon as is the topic of this thread. In fact this example of family breakdown, societal authority, and continued relations is a classic case of how demons are easily fed. Love and compassion with loads of awareness need to be adopted for the little one, ourselves and most off all - the abuser. (It helps to acknowledge his victim status too) Much meta meditation needed there.

All this here is more about identifying the fear - acknowledgement - feeling and processing ... ultimately avoiding and clearing blockages.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Kind thoughts and well wishes to your own current condition.

Thx again D.

Excuse typos as formulated on my phone having just woken up. Note ... turning phone to aeroplane mode then switching off seems to have me wake up feeling more energized or less depleted than usual. Might take a couple of tries before one notices. Perhaps placebo but I'll do whatever works. ;)

[Ponder]

Just fucking scored BIG TIME!!! Sims 3 was on special via Steam and given that I have been waiting for just that I pounced and made the purchase. Whilst installing it I read up on it as it's been a while since I last torented it. In my researching on the game I wanted to know what others thought about Sims3V4. No surprise to me ... many people rate 3 as being better in various areas applicable to them. It seems there are a LOT of people that don't like the major changes made in 4 however I know that in time I can be perused - for now after having torented 4 and giving it a try I did not like the changes myself ... at least not at this stage. Unfortunately Sims 3 for as good as it is ... is reported as being glitchy. I however put that down to systems not meeting requirements ... and given the updates now I am assuming it's not much of a thing.

ANYHOOOOWS - I was thinking ... hey Dave ... what about SIMS 2 that was a fucking awesome game. I remember well when Sims first came out and I was like hell yea! - Escapism to the Max!!! But then when 2 came out I was even more impressed. So I researched - Sims 2 V 3 V 4 -

To my surprise there are a LOT pros found in sims 2 that are not in Sims 3. Apparently more interactions and so on - Although in Sims 3 you are in an open world. I read more on it and the more I absorbed the more I saw it was well worth owning both Sims 2 and 3:

SO :

I logged into EA chat and explained I did not have the game and was struggling where to find purchase the base game. The first adviser/consultant was super helpful ... kept hinting at me to just supply ANY IMAGE of the game disc. I was like "I just want to know where to buy the base game and then could you help me with promo code?" So they just keep repeating to get any image. So I gave in when into Google images but in that process lost the chat box. GRRRRRRR

I resume my case number and reenter into chat but now met with an obnoxious fuck like "Wellllllllll ... if you ... bla bla bla ... I am unable to help"

I close that chat box bascially telling them to fuck off!!! GRRRRRRRR

I got another obnoxious fuck where I then changed the name in the subject title to - Rude Consultants - if this continues I will be looking to delete my account!!!

The next one was like - "Hello would you like me to delete your account?"

You've got to be fucking kidding me I thinks to myself?

I'm looking for help I reply.

Again it comes back with would you like me to delete your account?"

By this stage I am ready to hang myself ... so after closing the box and re-titling once more - I NEED HELP - Rude Consultants - I just want to PURCHASE a GAME PLEASE.

I cut and past that chat:

[Ponder]

info: Your approximate wait time is 0 minute.
info: Thank you for contacting us. Akash will help you soon.
Akash: Thank you for contacting EA HELP, my name is Akash, may I start with your first name please?
you: My Name is David
Akash: Hey David, very nice to meet you, I am all here to help you with any issue related to the game, how you doing today?
you: I am fine TY ... I have been struggling with other EA advisors about Sims 2
you: I would like to know how to go about aquiring the Sims2 complete collection but I have do not own the game ... Can I buy the disc of Ebay then try again here?
you: I have money but no way to buy the collection onine, can you help with that?
Akash: I understand that you want to acquire sims 2 game, Please do not worry, I am here to help you out.
Akash: As you said that you haven't purchased the game before, am I right?
you: Yes I would like to buy the Sims 2 complete Collection please
you: I can see no option in the store listing
you: Can I buy the base game second hand then restart chat with uploaded photo and key?
you: Or could I buy a key onine?
Akash: Please do not worry, I am here to help you out.
you: ok
Akash: First of all I really appreciate your interest towards the sims 2 game.
you: The best game of all time in my opinion
Akash: Yes it is, even I like the game very much.
you: :)
Akash: Please do not worry I am trying my best to get this Sims 2 game for you right now. If possible.
Akash: Okay, You just need to provide me any of the Sims 2 Box or Disk photo via following the below link > https://help.ea.com/en-us/help/faq/how-to-attach-a-file-to-your-ea-help-ticket/
you: srry
you: are you still htere
you: I lost this box when I opened the chat
you: when I opened the link?
you: Damn it MY FAULT
Akash: Yes I am here
you: oh your there
you: phew
you: the link is blank for me
Akash: No worries you can give me any photo of sims 2 game and attach it to the case, here are the steps :
Akash: 1. When you're logged into EA Help, click Accounts then My Cases.
2. Click on the open case you want to attach your file to.
3. Click Attach files...
4. Find the file you want to attach and click Open.
An orange loading bar will pop up underneath the Attach files… button. When it’s done, you'll see a paperclip icon with the number of attachments you've added.

Once you’ve attached your files, you can get back in touch with us by clicking the Resume button. Pick how you want to talk to us so we can take a look at the attachments you’ve added and get to work fixing your issue!
you: Will it be OK if I buy a second hand game? I can't find where to buy the game online other than second hand retailer outlets/auctions sites?
Akash: Please allow me a moment
you: ok
you: ty
Akash: I have discussed your issue with my supervisor and mentioned that you have been a great player and also a valuable customer of EA
Akash: So on my recommendation and discussing with the team and putting an extra efforts for you I am going to grant you a new sims 2 game, will you be happy to receive it?
you: AWESOME!!!!!!! Of course ... Thanks Heaps!!!!
you: what now?
Akash: Please confirm me the email address of the account you want your game in?
you: I will buy another game instore out of respect
you: - ([email protected])---------------------------
Akash: Thank you very much.
you: THANK YOU ... do I just go to may library now?
Akash: Here is the game code - ----------------------------- to express my admiration. You can use this on Origin store. I have also send an email regarding that to you.
you: Thanks Heaps Akash ... I understand
Akash: You are a nice person and I am honored to assist you today
Akash: Would there be anything else I can assist you with?
you: Likewise ... Your the best ever consultant in all the online gaming front ends I have met ... cheers all the best
info: Your chat transcript will be sent to - ([email protected])------------------- at the end of your chat session.
Akash: Thank you for your kind words :)
Akash: For any queries with EA games, you can always contact us or please check our knowledge base at help.ea.com (http://help.ea.com/) for self-help options and Answers.ea.com (http://answers.ea.com/) for in-game queries. Thank you for contacting EA Help.

It’s my pleasure talking with you and you’ve been great throughout the session
Akash: You may now go ahead and press the 'End Chat' button at the top right corner on your screen to end this conversation smoothly.
_____________________________________________


FUCKING AWESOME OR WHAT?
: ) : ) : )
https://image.ibb.co/jVpDvd/sims2.jpg

[Ponder]

Yea cool - I think I will gel with Sims 2 for a while once I get some time. I managed to change the config file to get my native rez of 1920X1080. Although I had to disable shadows due to a glitches resultant from upping the rez ... it looks pretty glossy for what it is. I really want to see what Sims 3 in missing once I make the transition in the months ahead. Sims 4 does look very polished but no good if it does not retain the emotional connection. The social aspect is still there in the expansion packs with Sims 2 - but retains the amount of interactions that's been lost over the years.

Took me hours to google and set up for my somewhat up to date gaming PC. Thankfully I have the system to experiment up to Sims 4 - I really hope Sims 5 takes the best of 2 some of 3 with the polish of 4. Too tired to learn the ropes all over again ... think I will relax with some ancient astronaut discussions on Youtube. One of the first things in Sims I will set up is a good work out room ... :) To emulate the vision of what I would like in my own home. On that front I am sticking to my guns ... back into weight training and also walking. Doing as well as can be all things considered.

[Ponder]

I have to be honest. I feel like shit tonight. On the news some Autistic Kid got bashed at school by 5 kids. Two using large spanners. The new reported that 80% of kids at school that get targeted are Autistic. Not something I need to hear all things considered with my grandson going through the BS he currently is.

In other news ... more police beating on suspects like psychopaths themselves.

Why my wife watches that shit I will never know ... it is a lesson for me though ... to turn the damn thing off as soon as she is out of the living room and also why I tend to ware headphones while she watching the news. Generally we turn it down which is good me being basically deaf. SIGH ...

The other thing is I am peaking out about the big trip away to attend the mental health conference this Tuesdays coming. No one is responding to my emails about the travel plans. My support person also needs to know what's going on. I ended up having to advise head office that local area management are not responding to my emails which is now resulting in higher ups going to ring to discuss said issues. It's more stress I don't fucking need. If they just did there fucking job and remembered that I am a service uses and not staff they would do well to said triggers. Just do your fucking jobs peoples. A little acknowledgement goes a long way. Why the fuck I said yes to this position is beyond me. I expect it won;t last long if they keep treating me with disrespect.

I actually already found another service provider that seems to be more suited to me. This other place puts too much pressure on my kind 'byproduct' of their wondrous ideology.

Anyways ... that is supposed to be what I am going to talk about ...eventually. Tell them what they don't want to here. I think area management already regretting having picked me.

OK - feeling better now. Like all of the above we'll prepare ahead of time and deal with what is to come. Grandson included.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Night night .....

[Ponder]

RIGHTO - Good session of body resistance and use of power bands this morning. I'm kind of wrestling in rages this day. I have a yard to mow but will go out for a brisk walk and grab some morning rays before they get too extreme! (Australia here) - still hitting temps around 30 Celsius in some parts on the east coast with it being like winter - like WTF? Whatever ... I guess it is the opposite on the other side? I surely miss the seasons ... No matter I am taking the good with the other as I know it's going to get a hell of a lot worse with climate being less of an issue. What a wonderful thought ... is what that is.

So - get off this thing and go do what needs doing. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/funny/1/walking-zombie-smiley-emoticon.gif ... all good ... half way into it after feeding off a few people on the way ... I'll be good to start mowing when I get back.

[Ponder]

Good Day! 6000 IUs of natural sun light the good old fashioned way. Couple of Table spoons of organic raw coconut oil with real food ... lots of water and plenty of movement. Loads of fresh air helped as well.

I played the mentor role today with fellow service user and he did also with me. He's young enough to be my Son and I in turn to be his Dad. That said we got along like a two close friends.

Like I said ... was a good day. :) Good chemicals all round.

To top it off all my travel and acomadation has been sort out. Now I am actually looking forward to my trip despite the challenges. This will be like the first time going somewhere with out my wife in like decades!

But ... all good. Monday I have another appointment with service provider re my outlook on upcoming trip. It's support like that ... that helps keep me med free. Just the way our society should be.

[Dahila]

I have the same on Aliexpress , I quit trying to get anything

[Ponder]

Srry D? I'm not the best with scrolling back. Especially with my gas bagging. :)

What happened with Aliexpress and why did you quit trying to get anything?

Please forgive my obnoxious thinking.

What's up?

[Dahila]

can not add anything to cart , I know it is a long time before it comes but the best prices ever, WILL try to do it on laptop

[Ponder]

arrrrrrr - yes I often struggle with that too.

[Ponder]

What you buying? Laptop?

[Dahila]

no we have a new laptop, I mean is Ted's but I can use it and I do, whenever I need .

[Ponder]

Guess who just spilt a glass of water over his Gaming Laptop AGAIN!!!!!!!! Thankfully it did not short out like last time. Remember the post I made on that. Lol Not. This time I upended it as quick as you can blink your eye this letting 95% drain out the vents whilst ducking the laptop up and down to flush every drop I could possibly get out. PHEW ... I was able to save my Sims 2 game and shut the com down whilst keeping it in a verticle position. I took the back off but did not need to use food dryer this time or remove the hdd,ram,battery and so on.

I've been nervous all day about tommorow big trip.

Will try and get some sleep now. Night night. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Ps ... hope all is as well as can be. Guess who else cant breath through his nose. Rolls eyes. Thank goodness I have a mouth ... although it's just not the same as breathing through the nose. I'm sure it was my dinner tonight. Not to worry ... at least my computer still starts up. :)

[Dahila]

eh ...........I am still sick now I got ear pain and today I finish my antibiotic so I do not know what next. I can breath through the nose already so there is a progress ;) Maybe my steroids Rhinocort started to kick in is already two weeks, the peak of it's performance is 30 days but ........hopefully i will be better. I am very tired with all that is going on. Markets are pretty bad for the last two months...Your trip will be ok , trust me

[Ponder]

Glad your breathing a little better but to srry hear the markets are not going so well.

As of my trip away - I've been up since 1am and having difficulty sleeping since 11am ... went to bed around 9pm. I have an upset stomach which brings me to the topic of Mint Tea. I know you propose not having it any more than once a week. I myself benefit from mint tea. I don't have a gall bladder therefore actually get benefit from the bile production that comes with consuming it. If one also times it's consumption within a period of eating, they may also reap other benefits of mint tea without that ill effects that come from regular consumption. Each to their own. I cross mint tea with other digestive teas such as chamomile and ginger. Again having no gall bladder I prefer the stronger bile producing herbal teas. That said I also sleep on a raised bed and combat GERD which for me is virtually a non issue since I dropped my weight that came from taking meds. In fact most of the associated health warning regarding Mint tea and other digestive herbs like it are a non issue - for me it's reported negative effect actually helps me. It helps to know the reasons and one's own body when it comes to the pseudo science that abounds on the net ... especially with herbs, supps and the like. Of course that's neither to say one is right or wrong ... fuck that shit. It is what it is after I take it and find out for myself over a period of whatever time and contrast it with bla bla and yadda yadda.

Actually right now I am sipping freshly made ginger tea. That too requires practice and listening to ones own body.

The bigger and more current issues that is plaguing my is having let my Gut Health recline! As a result I am starting to fucking itch once more - Grrrrrrrrr. The damn body lice - itching under the eyes. I think I can almost manage it through being aware of my current health. (tuning the fuck back in - but first need to detox and get a grip on the additive behaviors ... la la and fucking LA) Gut health being %100 where I have let myself down. That combined with a fuck load of stress this year. Alas my acknowledgement of these facts with previous experience in the healing of such ... will see me come out the other side.

Living without a gall bladder is defiantly trick stuffy ... basically no room for error. Yea yea ... I have said many times before and obviously it needs saying some MORE!

The whole Gut and Brain Concept is nothing new. I don't really care for all the Marketing on that 'connection' - I am however into the psychology of how our thoughts affect health and starting to make a return to using food as medicine; not using sups! I'd rather resort to using 'super foods' before going sups yet even then I really don't like playing into the market. Unfortunately the degradation of our food supply is playing into the market that will eventually see us all taking pills with beverages and treats in between. I just don't want to be part of that world. It's a fucking sad tale and place to be.

BUT - we still have plenty of choices even if those are laden with pesticides. Fucked if I can afford organic and most organic practices now actually include the use of poisons in one form or another ... not discounting the air and water to which is passed the tipping point (beyond one's control) and affected world wide. I managed to clean myself out on our toxic fruit and veggies once before ... requires a cleansing process via fasting as too exercise. The later when I am able to do it enough is an excellent way for cleaning the lymphatic system. Using food for medicine though only works once I have cleaned out the junk!

The first thing I am going to do when I get back from this trip is to really focus on cleaning my act up once again with regard to food. I don't like eating smaller meals and more of them, however for the sake of my gut I have no choice ... especially with no ball bladder which makes that act even more of a science/art.

Disclaimer ... this is just my shit and only what I am aiming for me. I make no claims or agree with any of the BS on the internet ... I only choose the foods, times, amounts and regularity that works for me. Fuck preaching the shit! Leave that to the food advocates, moralists and so on. If I eat plants only ... it's because it helps me ... if I eat the odd fish (and yes with the possibility of all kinds of fucked up metals and radiation) I'll only do so because I am reaping some form of benefit that works for me.

Supposed I cannot have nuts - however if I soak them for X and then dry them for X ... they go a long way to helping me sustain a Raw'ish' (not 100% fucking religious/cultist/fad like freaks!) Food diet which for the most part was the key to my success with healing my gut where I happily sustaining what seemed to be my optimal weight.

What fucked me up? - Possible the clinical nature of my mental illness combined with simply being subject to such this toxic world in all its states/lvles. Then of course taking on and or being around others that are also struggling with their own debilitating conditions where instead of running away like a new ager or latest selfy gen X,Y,Z (the fucking lot of US) - I cling, endure, and basically suffer to no end. It's not like I am clinging out of love either - I'll be honest about that too - co-dependency is another delusion/illusion in itself that's as mess up as thinking of one's self. I just figure it's best to suffer as a family rather than by one's self. Or at least that's what I am telling myself. Memebers/peoples of all kinds outside my family are all welcome to come on in and suffer with us ... the more the merrier. :)

In the mean time I just help out when I can. Down in the bottom of the barrel - where so many of us are stuck. I hate this whole facade of climbing out though. Not with the ladders our society bestows. But that's another story and one more suited to a thread in a forum like this. One to challenge the BS that so many are deluded with. That's right ... the house, the car and white picket fence. : ) The Money!!! That there is the real delusion. More Please ... Can I have some MORE!!! Yet something else New agers, Mystics, well being yuppies and New Generation Xs,Ys, and ZZZZs are into other than running from anything that resonates lower than themselves. Me me me me me ... Mummy and Dadys fault ... and then of course me ... SOCIETY!!! Same thing different channel. That to has to be expelled. Part of the toxic thinking that cause this damn itching. Part and parcel of the by product and existing. :)

Righto ... what the fuck to do now? Hmmmmmmmmm ...

I'll try some meditation and let all this mental masturbation go.

Adios ... until next post:

This sounds good - ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz Just let all this shit go ... Just let all this shit go ... just let all this shit go ... just let all this shit go ... just let all this shit go:

https://youtu.be/cboLIUvUJAA?t=103
Set volume at least half way and use headphones. Starts of quiet by gets louder. This guy is very skilled. I like this mostly as I have grown beyond guided meditations (bar a few exceptions - rare for me now) ... however guided may be better suited to those who are not so familiar with opening up to the idea of emptying ones head. The is no such things as can't meditate. Every human being can meditate ... you just have to practice it is all. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I'm off to practice until I fall to sleep. Truth be told if I practice properly and more often I would not be in the state I am currently in ... but then I have practiced enough that things could be worse if not for being able to come up with good finds like this. .... ZZZZZZzzzzzz

Edit ... very fucking happy my laptop still works!!! Much gratitude for that. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/spiritual/meditate-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

With only a few hours to go now I am still pondering on my food approach and given the issues I am having with my gut health Vs no gall bladder, it looks like I'm going to have to go the small portions sizes with possibly more than 3 times a day. I'm still not convinced grazing is going to work for me. Mostly because I struggle with stopping. This morning I just had a small pineapple. I'm feeling OK with that although still craving - but not hungry in the true sense.

I know I said I was not going to focus on cleaning up my food until I got back - but after researching more into my issues - I think now is time to start. One thing I am feeling the early onset of is:

Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sphincter_of_Oddi_dysfunction)

I came across this disorder while again researching healthy practices for those of us who've had their gall bladders removed. After reading a few more articles after wiki ... well you know that feeling like when penny drops. I'm not experiencing the full on pains / symptoms (not yet) but all the food types that trigger the symptoms of this dysfunction are pretty much what I have been struggling with. That combined with gall bladder removal being reported as inevitably leading to this wonderful disorder has pricked my ears. It's yet another one of those knowns that doctors don't tell you. IBS/constipation with Vagus Nerve issues + Clinical Case of Anxiety disorders and so on and on are all very much cause for concerns for me ... so It is with caution and great interest I look further into medical conditions relating to all matters in digestion.

I really could care less for proponents who speak out against Dr Google - it is the local DRs that often fail me. I did really REALLY well in healing myself last time round and that was absolutely no thanks for any of the Doctors I saw or see. The only reason I have regressed is because I allowed myself so - I gave in to the influence of all those our wonderful marketing + that too of basic socialization in the context of social compliance.

Food for thought - Nothing more ... Just being careful as my gut and associated tracts have been tightening up resulting in small bouts of pain. Is good to keep things real.

Time for some water and some more rest before I jump on an aeroplane. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/war/airplane.gif

[Dahila]

We are back Mr.P

[Ponder]

Wonder why it went down for so long?

[Dahila]

13 days hmmmmmmmmmmmm

[salvator here]

Hey Ponder and Dahila..

Yeah I figured it was gone for good there. Glad to see its back.

Take care and hope all is well :)

[Dahila]

Hey Ponder and Dahila..

Yeah I figured it was gone for good there. Glad to see its back.

Take care and hope all is well :)

So were we, I do not post a lot but like to check the forums from time to time and see familiar faces :)

[Ponder]

Hi Sal - Yea. This forum is one of a kind. It's pretty much the same as other anxiety forums goes when it comes to feeding today's wide spread frivolous and neurotic behaviors; however the free reign we seem to be given as forum users is the main attraction for me. I'm actually going through a bit of a similar thing in society where I wish to remain a service user that defines his own boundaries. More on that later.

For now - It's great to see you back as well Sal. :) I'm guessing you also like the space this place offers regarding your own writings?

Hope the both of you have been well enough.

I'm off for a mid afternoon run around a park. ;)

[Ponder]

I'm going Keto for a couple of weeks D - See what happens:

I have to follow a No Gallbladder plan though:
https://drjockers.com/following-a-ketogenic-diet-without-a-gallbladder/

The other difference is I'm also going to be doing it Vegan all the way.

Edit - Here's the accompanying video - even though it focuses on gallbladder health - I think you might appreciated hearing some of this D; regardless of already knowing lots about it.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9u5ufSHQI3k

[Dahila]

I am on it for well, over 2 years, but I do not , try not to eat fruit because of sugar in it :) you to thin to go on it, D. Actually your live will take the function of gallblader but you need to watch what you eat. What I like in keto diet is a small portions that keep you full for hours

[Ponder]

I've read up well on the subject of living life without a gallbladder and have a lot of personal experience. : ) The bile from the Liver does not flow at the same rate as it does from the gallbladder. Thus when it comes to meals laden in fats it is said that the lack of bile flow from liver is not enough to adequately break down meals largely based on healthy fats. Additionally the bile from the liver is not as acidic as that of the bile. So it is the with lack of flow and it's less potent form sees the liver as inadequate as a 'sole' means of digesting meals heavy in concentrated fats. It's also why the liver is often referred to as overworked in peoples who no longer have a gallbladder.

What I do to counter this inadequacy, and ease the burden on an over worked Liver - is to use things like apple cider vinegar, predigest foods, lemons, eat on an empty stomach and many other natural aids and assists. I avoid taking pills like the plague! I detest the reliance factor that leads to misinformation and robbing people of their independence. I am sure you understand this fact about me well.

ME THIN - LOL ... your very kind D. Alas I am actually please to say that I am once again returning to my optimal weight of 72kg. Right now I am around 78.9kg with my goal weight being around 69kg. The online BMI calculator that says for my height I should be 63KG → LMFAO at that!!! Point it I actually have a lot more weight to lose, although nothing near what that BMI calculator reckons. If I went down to 63kg I would look in need of hospitalization.

For now I am sticking with the Keto like diet. I say Keto like as for me as I usually active and require a few carbs in the weigh of fruits + healthy sugars derived from whole natural foods. When I really want a boost I will go wild rice and some steel cut oats.

For the most part D - the Plant Based (especially when going 100% Vegan) is very Keto like and was how I was maintaining my previous optimal weight of 72kg previously. However as I said, I would add some fruits like lots of Bandannas, Pineapples, steel cut oats and wild rice to assist with my exercise.

THE PLAN now is to cut back on carbs as I am now in a Waterfast Preparation Phase. I've never prepped like I am now for such a goal. Putting myself in a keto like state before hitting my water fast is going to expiate the benefits I am seeking from a waterfast. I now own several books on the subject and from my own tests know how I am faring.

On that note ... I can also advice that I am feeling quite fine. I smile to think of the relos that came up for a meal last year commenting on how all the thin people at the table looked as though they needed help. The truth was quite embarrassing which is why we thin one's remained silent and let those doing the criticizing do as they pleased. Less of course your talking about TOFS - Thin on the Outside Fat on the Inside. Fact is they were picking on a family of Vegans. Some people just live in denial I guess. We kind of knew better.

That said - I get what you mean. The fact is whatever it is that each of us tries, we know ourselves whether it is working or not. We just can't help but kid ourselves and why not with all that BS information out there sown so deceptively so.

The one thing makes it next to impossible for weight loss for so many if the medication reliance factor ... alas it's often the lessor of two evils. In which case weight loss is not such vital goal. Stability is measured in suffering ... or at least as how I have come to see it. There are plenty of overweight people living balanced lives and kudos to them if they can do it. I can't. Being overweight for me limits me in so many ways - so too does taking meds. BUT - that's just my journey. I'm just trying to finish this post of by remaining nor for or against. Each to their own can sound a bit harsh. I understand the pros and cons on both sides of the fence.

Personal experience will always be my teacher. I'll keep you posted on my progress D ... I'm now off for my early morning walk.

I make a few more post later on as since the forum was closed I have a lot txt built up.

How's your sinuses ... any better? I am going to clean up the house today in the hope it will alleviate mine. I've been reading up on that issue and am finding hope.

Take care ...

HEY SAL ... Hope your doing OK! ... if not ... I hear ya loud and clear ... is OK not to be OK. : )

[salvator here]

Thanks for saying that, means a lot to me. Been rough lately.

I've been reading and I'll try to write later.

[Dahila]

I am happy you try it, Keto is closer to natural foods, I have twice the amount of energy now even with my health scare, I sleep well, 8 hours wake up at 6 and listen to birds singing. Everyone of course modify it a bit , you can not force your body to eat something it does not agree. Keto is nice cause there is not a lot of processed foods in it
It is like mindful eating , you need to count the carbs (no calories) and eat what you can and what is good for you.
Salvator post here, please, you will be more than welcome, we all fight with our demons, so far so good ,

[Ponder]

I like the note about modifying according to our needs. Yep yep. : )

YW & Yes please Sal ... Say it like however you wish.

[Ponder]

Good call on Jon Kabat Zin D. I read your response in other section.

I found this one on the side bar whilst checking out your link. I remember reading that you like his voice. I find it soothing as well. Possibly more so because what he says makes a lot of sense. He is Big on Accepting the Present Moment. I could only finish in that other post with 'acceptance' being our most resolute source of answer. I smile to think of how Jon repeats it's OK to not to know. He actually repeats saying ... "I don't know" "I don't know" as if like a chanting monk during his Google Lecture (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nwwKbM_vJc).

Accepting What Is - I think half the problem is not knowing what is and in that moment we give up trying to know ... we start to see the bigger picture where then finally we see what was and then it becomes much easier to 'let go'

In that lecture he talks about the cliche of 'letting go' and how as a quick fix society we just spurt out terms like so. Today in group I found it interesting how one hard case was telling how since he has giving up the alcohol he is starting to remember things ... spasmodically so. During his description of that process it was his openness that I found of great interest as that's where true healing begins. Right now I am into the fostering of the desire to want to be well. The clinical nature and duration of my historical events and resultant predispositions that chemically trigger to whatever; come in cycles. Those cycles being as natural as this planet's seasons 'used to be' ... lol at that latter description. But yea ... the desire to want to remain stable in an unstable world. Quite a challenge when not main steamed pacified - yet VERY rewarding in terms of seeing what is and being accepting of that.

I'm back in my time out phase - despite that cleansing process. This time around is all good ... I'm not rushing this time. I know how it all works. : ) - well actually I really don't it all! - I feel as though I know enough that with each time I get back I ... I just know that the knowing I have is enough; based on all my efforts past. Cycles ... shit happens and then I move on ... shit happens and it's ok to move within an environment full of shit - it's OK point blank.

I feel it enough to know what I mean and glad this space/forum has been reallocated as is.

I link the one I am listening to ... the background water sound is spot on. The moments of silence between Jon's guiding is also immersive and expansive. My upcoming water fast will benefit from these meditations.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4gZgnCy5ew&t=38s


If I may change the subject ... I know what you mean about the less than 30grams of carbs - Man ... thankfully I have enough subcutaneous fat. Don't worry ... I don't intend to stay on a ketosis diet for long at all ... I like my cardio sessions too much. It's just part of my water fast preparations is all. I've learned a lot more about burning fat since reading up on ketosis. Very interesting to say the least. I was going to go three weeks but have decided two weeks prep will be enough.

Now don't laugh or freak out ... This just arrived in the mail the other day - I'll text link it otherwise you'll be like WTF is he into now (https://www.amazon.com/Perfect-Enema-Cleansing-Silicone-HealthGoodsIn/dp/B00DTOLP7Q/ref=sr_1_17_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1527586363&sr=8-17&keywords=enema+kit) as soon as you load this post up. Hopefully that will help me clean up my act as well. I've read all the pros and cons - You know I won't abuse it. : ) ... Just like the move to keto ... it's part of my water fasting cleanse. Here ... this guy I thought was humorous (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZEqQlOYXSo) with his take on it ... however there is a lot more science to the benefits as well as to its over use. All good - not looking for a debate ... just letting you know my latest experiments.

Take care ...

SAL - interrupt me or D at anytime and let us know what's going on with yourself as well.

Later guys.

[Ponder]

I am flat out today - perhaps I threw you off with the enema bag hey. hehe

Not to worry. I just cut and paste my weight loss entry from elsewhere to save on time. Is all relevant to my efforts regarding mental health:
_____________

Cut & Paste:

Hi guys. I've been living without animal protein for quite some time now Cate. Given that animal protein can deliver an acid load to the kidneys, increase ammonia production, and damage the sensitive kidney cells, I have to admit that when I'm in Vegan Mode (minus the processed junk) my kidneys do feel better. As well as no gall bladder I almost died of renal failure back in 2008. This is also why I have to be very careful water fasting - but that's another story.


Thanks LaMaria - I just skimmed the video and there does seem to be some relevant information that I have been reading up on. I will check it out for sure and give a little feedback in here if only as an exercise to learn more about Keto. TY


In the meantime here is another one that looks good in reference to The Protein Myth:

Note* - Body Building is not my goal. Just figured vegan body builders make a good example regarding the Myth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqDvPhgz7wg

It's just an everyday person in much the same way as LaMaria's link video given their perspective from personal experience. It's frustrating to see so much deception out their between Big Food and Farm Cooperation as too the Medical industry and so on. BUT - I won't present myself to be labels a conspiracy theorist anymore than linking such videos often do for my own good. : )


It's not about claiming this or that way ... it's just presenting the options for people with broken anatomy. Admittedly I wish I knew what I do now as it would of gone a long way to avoid the damage of have done.


ANYWAYS - It is Challenging Stuff. Agreed! : )
_____________________________


Yesterday I was tired but held in there. I am not %100 keto yet as I am making the odd mistake with the odd non keto food due to lack of knowledge and experience. That said, I do notice the lack of carbs. Something of I will note is the focus on Natural Sugars being more rate more the fuel source rather than carbs as talked about within the various plant based communities ... how carbs also comes into it's own Myth as sold by Food Marketing Campaigns.


Macro nutrients are something I will have to up ... but I really don't want to start of life on supps. I read many times now that many of those long terms are not good for Kidney Health - especially for those of is with compromised ones and or aging.
_________


Righto ... I'm not that keto yet that I can't exercise and in fact that's another research topic I am yet to look into. I'm not doing any of this lightly. Best I can say for now as a newbie is listen to my body.


I have plenty of subcutaneous fat to burn through yet ... although that does give off a lot of toxins ... but when done through exercise you get the benefit of the lymphatic system helping to assist with that. See what happens. Time to stretch and do some moderate body weight exercises.


Thanks again LaMaria - will check out for sure!


U2 Cate ... Have a good day ;)


Here's to today's challenge ... may it be as productive as yesterday which - YES - I am making positive progress!

[Ponder]

Whilst I am feeling pretty good tonight - I am starting to wind down so think I will cut and past my weight loss post. I'll link the keto Vid that promted my response:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1334&v=Sg4jnRYAaAA

Yea - It does get easier with each pass. Thx again for the link LaMaria. I just finished watching from beginning to the end completely soaking up all the info that was being presented. Awesome Vid! I have to admit that I am kind of free styling Keto atm, however am also watching the protein intake from beans due to discovering just how high in carbs some of those can be. Since that discovery I have been looking a little closer at the food types trying to emulate the correct amounts as best as I can.


I have to agree with that You-tuber about digestion being way better on a Keto diet as has been the case for me. Even without the gallbladder so happy that I am doing something right in that regard. And that's without taking Oxbile. I've been keeping up the activity to assist with digestion and all the others things I mentions in my previous posts.


This morning I had steamed broccoli, brussel sprouts and swiss chard with crushed up cashews that I previously activated myself.


Lunch I had a green leafy salad (macro nutrient dense) with spiralina, crushed almonds, lemon, AVG, lemon juice, ginger, chilli and cocunt oil + chis seeds


Dinner I had the same as lunch with an evening ginger, lime & lemon leafed tea.


I'm feeling really good today. I bought some new clothes which was also a good boost.


Take care guys, hope you both had a good day.

__________________________________________________

In other News ... I'm waiting for a few more dollars to go into my account overnight so I can buy the following game:

https://image.ibb.co/jQgo2d/total_war_rome_ii_base.jpg

Epic Battle scenes. I own Medieval Total War Kingdoms as well - but with mods and all the updates Rome II has a pretty good following. Looks worth having in the collection. Later this Yea - Total War: Three Kingdoms is coming for the Total War Series. In the mean time I am just wetting my appetites with some classics. I know I said I was not into fighting games ... but more meant the hack and slash and ADD first person games - ZZZZZZZZ this is totally different imo. The perspective and control in this game both through the board and ingame battles is frigging awesome. I started way back when the Tottal War was first released. I have a lot of catching up to do as it's been a LONG time and I never really got into the mods. The mods look amazing so have a lot of reading to do. Here as some un modded screen shots I picked up off the web:

https://image.ibb.co/b25sTJ/epic_battle_3.jpg

https://image.ibb.co/e9eK8J/epic_battle_2.jpg

https://image.ibb.co/e52jay/epic_battle.jpg

Until they can come out with an Utopian model of this kind of game ... I'll continue to play my part in the carnage.

I guess no one is up for a multiplayer battle?

[Ponder]

Righto ... time to put back on my Tin Foil Hat and go outside for a well earned Jog. Hmmmm ... I should buy this game first and start downloading ... Yea I do that.

Edit → Awesome ... downloading now! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/happy/happy-dancing.gif




Now I go for my run !!! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/birds/chicken-run-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

Got held up with an important Skype call before heading out the door: [Total War: Rome 2 Downloading on display]

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1721/42410381652_31564b288c_o.jpg


OK ... now get the @&#! out of chair and go run!!! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/birds/chicken-run-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Dahila]

looking gooooooooooooood in a new hot :))

[salvator here]

Hey guys..

Been reading, just staying quiet for now.

This is just priceless!!

Here's a song dedicated for you :D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylJeqCwc6do

Foil ~ by Weird Al

[Ponder]

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/rolling.gif Absolutely Love it !!! Me all over & proud of it. Thx Sal :) I'll be sharing that on FB right now!!!

THANKS MAN ... That went down exceptionally well.

[Ponder]

Horse tranquilizers (https://newsroom.unsw.edu.au/news/health/ketamine-depression-encouraging-questions-remain-around-long-term-use) for anxiety ... what will they think of next.

Just off to foster a friendship. Got to have those. Much better than being hooked up to an IV.

Also will take a few notes on how to actually play Rome 2 now that I own it. It appears to be a lot more challenging than Medieval Total War 2. Not that it's a breeze. R2 just a surprise in difficulty levle on normal is all. Forces you to learn. Once learned I am hoping it's as relaxing as I find Medieval 2. ... as in take your time and time flying. Definitely great games to soak up time.

Feeling OK on the psychical front with keto experiment although had to up my carbs slightly with all the exercise of late. Probably brought myself out of keto but no drama ... just cleaning up my act overall is about it for now. Might bring my waterfast ahead of time and try that by end of next week. I'll start on the 9th/6/2018 ... well actually I will start that night before a couple of hours before bed.

At least now I have a date. I'll just go as long as I can go. No biggy if only a few days.

Best get going.

Have a good day guys.

Loving this SPACE. :)

[Ponder]

You got me hooked an Al now Sal :)

Government Paranoia or Business as Usual - OR perhaps Just both? Only in America. : ) - ok ok - it's pretty much a world wide mentality these day and embed on so many lvls.

Have a laugh!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-CG5w4YwOI

[salvator here]

Ha!! :D

Glad you like the vid!

Just watched this one you posted and it was pretty awesome. Honestly, I listened to him when I was a kit (songs like - "Eat It") and ages went by before I began to listen to him again, until recently.

Sorry I've been so silent - been stuck in a cycle of Derealization sad to admit. Just fight through and know it will pass (always does)

Enjoy your day :)

[Ponder]

What interests you have Sal? Anything you can do for a distraction when feeling so low?

[Dahila]

yes we can push you in right direction Sal, just talk to us

[salvator here]

Thanks guys.

Sorry, didn't mean to give cause for worry. I just need to work it all out on my own. I'll be okay. It always passes, just in that down phase and judgment is cloudy and sometimes my reality becomes blurred and unreliable. I'll manage though. I try everything to distract myself as best as possible, most importantly, distract myself far away from the liquor store - Not easy especially during times like this, but I know this time it won't turn out well if I did. Just Can't!

It means a lot to know you both care.

[Dahila]

you are a fighter and yes everything passes. When you need to talk we are here, different time zones but I am probably closer with your time than Ponder. Yes we care, opposite of what youngsters here think about us. I am old woman and whole my life I have awful anxiety, many suicide attempts but now I started to see life in more positive light.

[Ponder]

Glad to see you reaching out in the forum Sal. That latest comment regarding my involvement being responsible for lack of forum members really is moot because I mostly hang in here. Since the forum went back up it was just an opportunity for me to harp on about more relevant issues pertaining to forum participation before it went down. With 5000+ posts I have a good idea how the forum activity works in here and what effects it - how the 'numbering' of forum posts is more trouble than it's worth. So to likes and so on. Glad we don't have those here either. To be sure there are those of us that hang here despite the atypical frivolous dependency mentality that's popularizing anxiety forums these days and that fact thankfully does keep this place from being overwhelmed with 10 year olds claiming a life long disability.

I think keeping the numbers down when dealing with said pop / media-rized culture is a good thing. I've read your posts Sal and from what I can tell you like to keep things real - regardless of the pain. Acknowledging is accepting and in acceptance come healing in one form or another. The happiness trap is something that media-rized culture is always chasing. Usauly with something that achieves it in one hit without the side affects.

Anyways ... The side effects of life get better once I don't have to rely on a system that strives to make those in it dependent/reliant.

My lift just arrived goto go

Be well as can be
later guys

[Ponder]

Having an absolute awesome time hacking through all the challenges standing in my way. :)

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1729/28634321108_86cf82770b_o.jpg

Ended up busting completely today when I make the little fella some pancakes. Feeling pretty good though as I started back on a few carbs last night having upped my number of laps around the sports ground. Just researching Rome II's building and tech tree whilst letting the pancakes make their way down before doing another 10 laps this afternoon. Beautiful cool whether with just the right amount of golden sunlight late in the afternoons. I good to be back up in fitness were I can keep running. Long term goal is peek fitness at age 50 ... February Next Year ... still got plenty of time to clean up my act.

Righto ... back to climbing the walls. :)

*&^%ING Awesome Game.

[Ponder]

Another late night ... been having a few of those. Just finished helping my sister with part of her claim re the abuse at the horrid nightmare place. Still yet to write that book. I can't wait to share the somewhat concise findings to what went on behind those closed doors ... I'll wait till the admission of guilt is sealed. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz

Back to clean eating tomorrow ... all the way till the bed time on the 8th; this coming Friday. From there I shall see how long I can go without eating. Is a good time actually as the family is going away that weekend. The first 4 days will be tough ... especially the first two nights after the 9th. No biggy If I don't make it past 3 days ... see what happens.

No taking the phone to bed ... too late for that. I would really like to start weaning myself of that as well. Did some good sprints today. The edge of the sports ground was taken up with hockey practice so I just did HIIT up and down the middle of the fields. Did resistance this morning as well and got a good dose of sunlight morning, midday and later arvo as well. I plan to keep working out all the way until I start fasting at which point I will return to just brisk walking and with some luck go without food long enough that I really don't feel like doing much at all. I'd love to nail 14 days but don't wan't to jinx myself.

Adios ... Night night. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

Just getting ready for my afternoon grandpa walk after a long days researching on my steam purchases. Basically got sick of the amount of syncing required to change hand held devices with the WII U and have no sold it plus all the games I bought. I'm always buying and selling. Just another thing in the long list of things I enjoy doing to keep myself distracted from oppressive reality ... and keep my in my own.

Anyways - I came up with a few choice games that really seem to hit the mark for my compulsive orders. No 'dis' in there because that's more an issue for others. Not my disorder.

It was at the end of that brainstorming session ... which actually lasted two full days (for the most part) that I spent my last $10us on a Meditative Game. I really loved 'Journey on PS3' and it's been a while since I have found anything like it. You can imagine my surprise when I finally found a decent YouTube video without any commentary but beautiful sounds and commentary that capture the true essence of this game. My grandson loves the ocean and responds well to nature in general so can't wait to show this.

Here is the cinematic HD playthourgh without commentary but only the in game sounds. Be sure to use headphones. Switch to 1080P if not already done, engage full screen, sit back and enjoy!

I'll be bedding down with this tonight and other playthroughs like it for a couple more to come:

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1752/27681249567_9a55080b76_b.jpg (https://youtu.be/-NzSWkfZ3-4)

Just finished installing ... Like I say ... just the thing to wind down in between all the other intensive games I'm yet to install. BTW Learning ROME II has been a little curve from my previous Total War Experience but is proving to be really good for my brain! 'OUCH'

I'll just say one of the new games was a good find to replace Diablo 3 which is now getting long in the tooth for me.

Back soon enough ... Hope you guys are doing OK?

How about you SAL ... feeling any better?

[Ponder]

Awesome Walk in the cooler part of the year here. Really loving the afternoon warm glow. The days are still warm enough to be outside. Best time of the year for me.

OK back into the latest game purchases. FINALLY I have found the ultimate D3 replacement! ... in 'Grim Dawn'


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpBrI_ZfeZ8

Well priced too. I've installed through steam where I am no collecting most of my games. I have not yet played Grim Dawn but my research surely indicates it being well worth the purchase. With it's dual class mix of chars it's a bit like Guild Wars 1 and D 3 combined. Just my opinion. I LOVED Guild Wars one to bits.

The following is not only a good resource (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipaOaMq22Fs) of what to know before entering into Grim Dawn ... but really shows how much has gone into this game. I did come across another game like D3 ... Torchlight 2 - BUT - it's more like a cartoon. Nothing wrong with that if your into that kind of thing. Cartoon games remind me instantly of microtransations, FB games and or children's books which I've outgrown. I don't mind the arcade look, or artsy style like in Bordelands, however Torchlight is pretty much a cartoon ... I'd rather comic art and then I'd still further prefer that in a book unless a Teltales game.

This however ... is the ultimate D3 replacement for me:
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1739/27684544067_a20d188a2b_o.jpg

Time to re enter into Rome II ;)

More on the other game purchases later.

Edit - Ended up diving into Grim Dawn. Actually like the Borderlands like movie clips - Has a Telltale feel to it. So far so good. I'm going to have to balance my time well with this and the other games. Very Immersive!!!

[Ponder]

"I'm getting to old for this shit" I thinks to myself before getting up on a cold dark morning to go run laps. Time for my medication I guess.

Babysitting duty today and tomorrow. Hopefully the little guy won't have a melt down when I drop him off at school. Poor kid is feeling oppressed with that and I surely understand his reluctance well. None the less I will pretend for now but teach him how to jump hoops as well. I won't push him either ... if he continues to resist he can come back home with me. Just got to play it by ear without projecting fear. I wonder what went down at school to make him fear so much. Sigh ... just school and authority in general I dare say. None the less have to keep my ear to the ground and observe well. For the most part he has been getting positive help.

RightoI best take my meds by getting out of this warm bed and hitting the oval.

Adios until next post.

[Dahila]

May universe take care of the small one, and only kindness and happiness be in store for him. Keep strong my friend. You do your best . we love them to pieces , do we not?

[Ponder]

Indeed we do. Thanks D. :)

[Dahila]

oh you are here, it was quick :)

[Ponder]

:) Huge day though. He broke down and did not want to go to school, so we went back home. He usually gets dropped off by Nanna and Mum. He is extremely particular with things like that. Today Nanna bought the wrong bandiads and all hell broke loose. I have him again tomorrow as both Nanna and Mum are attending a seminar on Autism. The same program the family court reported wants the father to go but he is still refusing. The father denies the little one as having any issues which is actually quite concerning. None the less until the father acknowledges the child's diagnosis and starts working with the 'health care professionals / system' it just means it will be a longer time before the little one has to endure (becoming traumatized) the overnight visits.

Sigh ... You know us D ... We have been building a solid case for a number of years now. Eventually those overnights will come. One at a time thank *&^% and also local to his area. The half holidays ... well that's going to require a psychologist on standby when he gets back. The psychical abuse is rather secondary to that of the emotional. We ourselves have done a very good job of keeping all forms of denigration from the little one's ears, however you know those religious/militant types - they have no regard for the way they talk in front of the little ones. It crushes them to hear parents bicker about the other; especially when your dissing the sole carer.

At the end of the day - the little one is now 4 (ASD with maturity/social development of like 2-1/2) ... the long term plan with an abusive father supported with currently family court system ... we estimate at age 12 that the child's 'word' will then hold weight. Meaning that with proper supports and building of case, we shall ensure the little one learns to passively stand up against said abuses (all forms of psychological / denigration) where once at that age he will have all the weight he needs in order to say his final goodbyes to his abusive father.

Thinking about it like that makes it easier to deal with. Nothing like having long term goals.
_______________________________________

Hope you had a good day guys.

- The little fella thinks I am like his play thing. lmao at that one. Sigh ... I got another full on day playing tomorrow. It was full on ... but I did have a good time with him. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

The questing in Grim Dawn is pretty good. I best get some sleep. :) Best questing game I have played. No micro transactions. Just the way all games should be.

[Ponder]

Siggghhhhhh - been struggling with eating and things are not lot looking on target for my mini goal of water fasting. BUT that's OK - I know why I have slipped. It gets stressful having to look after the little one all day long for multiple days on end. It kind of blew out my own plans but again that's OK. As a result I caved in and my addictive nature ended up eating junk food. I'll bounce back because I know how and have a desire too.

OK round two with the little stick of dynamite. Will go do some opp shopping and play with their toys, maybe throw the library in (although we are both too noisy for others in there) - do a visit to the park and YES ... I'll buy the little guy a donut (after I make him breaky) and even treat myself to a coffee and slice of cake. Hence to say my previous health plans are put on hold ... BUT ... I'll be feeling pretty good making a good day out of it with my grandson. Once the food digests I think I'll chase him in the backyard playing tigers and or dinosaurs. In between all that, make lunch, change nappies, give him a bath, do his bottle and put on some telly where I can get 5 minutes of rest, and possible do it all over again in the afternoon where I'll be hanging out for the others to quickly finish their thing so I can get stuck back into my games. LOL ... all good ... we're going to have a good day. Was a really good bonding session yesterday. I think more about some new places to go again today. Unfortunately his little kit is missing a piece which reminds me I need to order him a new kite.

See what happens. Big day ahead.

Now all planned out ... just the way I like it.
___________________________________________

In the mean time I came across this video. I share it with my daughter who also struggles like me:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39uY_7Zu9cw

This one hit on some of the same principles but the same guy ... more to do with:
How To Break ANY Bad Habit Quickly (Eating Junk Food, Procrastinating & Binge Eating) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtFlw0XzVc8)

[Ponder]

Just got back home not so long ago. Plenty of trips all over town. So far so good. The sailing ship jigsaw is for me ... as too the 100 piece Jurassic Era one. He LOVES Jigsaw puzzles and getting pretty good at them too. He is also right into numbers so the dice is proving to be a good game for him.

https://image.ibb.co/cRNOho/Mission_Acomplished.jpg



Following his instructions to a T! Suffice to say I feel the urge to run 50 laps of the sports oval now. hehhe Also sat in a shop with booths having a coffee whilst he chowed down on a donut and watched youtube on my phone of someone drawing dinosaurs. He did well to stay in one spot ... something I am testing him with ... and myself in some respects. We both had a good day ... is coming to an end now.
https://image.ibb.co/cpokv8/Quick_Fix.jpg
Yea yea Not Healthy ... quick fix. I know ... Hypocrite I was today. :) Lessor of two weevils. [play on words ... evil .. not voting]

Adios ... until next post. ;)

[Ponder]

Losing a few battles but staying the course - keeping desire whilst going through the motions.

Key words for now.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Just heard some devastating news on the TV about a little kid not much older than my grandson who was 'gruesomely' murdered by his father. Given the dynamics with my grandson and the upcoming trauma that awaits him after the family courts are done posturing their authority ... well ... let's just say society really sucks when it comes to making it's proclamations about boasting it's ideals. I say FTW and all that postulate said shit.

The losing battles I was referring to earlier is about meeting the criteria in order to receive funding for varioius health services that would greatly benefit my well being. The point of rejection is conflicting as I'm already on a benefit due to meeting the exact requirement they claim I do not meet. None the less it's typical to make people go through an appeals process in order to stem the overwhelming tide of people seeking assistance. Thankfully I have been able to remain objective despite my initial resistance. I will have to wait now a couple of weeks to get the formal letter of rejection that may contain additional rejection points just to make it all the more harder to appeal. Life is one big fucking CONFLICT ... Now now ... objective please.

At this stage I can do nothing until I receive said letter. No sense getting worked up over that.

Instead ... I'll just chill out with grinding ... learning my new character in Grim Dawn. Rome 2 has been going well.
_________________________

On other fronts ... I'll be looking to tighten up my routine with getting to bed before 10pm - Generally 9pm works best with being in bed by at least 8:30. Sounds lame - BUT - I know that works best for me. I'm then able to get in my morning exercise plus an hour walk and be back around 7ish. That typically requires a 5am start. I know I am doing well if I also get in an hour walk later in the day ... usually around 3pm-ish in winter and around 4--5pm-ish in summer.

I'm doing really well keeping that up whilst eating clean. That's kind of the holy grail for me.

Right now ... like I said ... back to tackling my sleeping and wake up times.
___________________________________

The fact I don't take meds, consistently turn up for psycho therapy, and fairly active with psychosocialization and pretty much work hard on doing all I can to live a healthy life style ... seems to be getting in the way of that meeting requirements for ongoing assistance. More so because I am seemingly striving like so without taking medications. BIAS ... this is the bias I have to live with when dealing with various professionals who tick and flick. SIGH ...

You know how fucking hard it is to live like so - without taking the meds? Pfffft (in a fucked a world that makes chemical solutions essential - lest ye be judged - fuckwits - Grrrrr!!!) ... I guess that's an unfair question because only we ourselves can tell our own stories and to be sure ... the expectation to 'perform' like a dog jumping through hoops is as much thwart in allowing oneself to be played like so. I think I got one last battle left in me whilst battling on other fronts concerning that whole compensation thing! - re being fucked over when I was a kid! ... Sigh ... learning to live with ... learning to live with ... is cool ... I can do ... I do ... just jumping though hoops ... ZZZZZZ ... just jump the hoops!!! ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz getting to old is all. Fucked if I will be ruled ... ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I'm getting ready to give up on all fronts - yet know there is still at least another decades worth of fighting for my grandsons health. I really hope that any more kids that are born into this world from my own kin ... that they think hard in terms of of the world they are bring them in. It's hard enough to see kids being spawn into this messed up existence no matter who's having them. If by any chance there is such a things as doing this whole drama all over again ... fucked if I will ever have kids. I'll be looking for the exit as quick as I come in.

Damn ... I really got to stop listening to the news ... but hard to do when living with others who'm seemingly are impervious to what's being said. Although no one really is ... it's residual ... depressive shit. Then comes all the fake garbage in the morning with laughter and smiles. Day in day out like that with ups and downs.

OK - Chin Up ... The family is all going away tomorrow and I have the place to myself. Yippee!!! Mind you though ... I have been left to clean up the mess. lol ... feeling better already.

Will do some laps ... clean up ... and walk clear across town to visit a friend. Meet half way I thinks ... at the library. Sounds like a plan.

pleased excuse the depressive introduction and body ... it has to come out. It's what I do best. No sense holding all that shit in.

Now I can breath easier.

More people ought to learn to make their own space ... and dump. These public places are perfect for that. If you don't like what you read then don't come in. : ) - If your not happy with forum traffic ... then find a place that's more to your liken and stop fucking complaining.

I'm still here doing my thing.

That's good enough for me.

Adios ... until next post.

purge purge and purge ;)

[Ponder]

If there is one thing I learned this week, it's that Rome wasn't built in a day.

[Ponder]

Feeling much MUCH better. Dishwasher on, almost cleaned up everything else that needs to be done and just about ready to make a healthy breakfast. Got my hour walk in with the weather being cool, moist and lots of grey clouds. Not many people about. Great for long walks. Time to take some gaming notes, play for a bit then pack a lunch then of for another walk to the library. All by my lonesome now. : ) ... fuck everything else!

[Dahila]

I am here just not posting but have a pleasure to read yours :) I am happy you feel better

[Ponder]

Hi D :) Glad your here. According to the 'Game of Life Theory (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conway%27s_Game_of_Life)', your presence here and my friend that stayed over last night qualifies enough of a connection for me that I may continue to live. Basically this theory discusses the interactions of cells and how they either live or die in relation to how many neighbors/connections they have as in being over populated or Isolated. I was up to 1 am with a friend who came back after my library lunch yesterday. We watched you-tube videos together on quantum mechanics and consciousness from both perspectives of critical science and spiritual openness.

https://image.ibb.co/iYzW8T/Gospers_glider_gun.gif
Not much happening today. I'm saving my long walk to walk my friend back home who lives quite a ways from my place. About an hour & forty minute return walk. So much for my last coded imprint of more sleep. : ) - Feeling all right though as the social aspect of keeping my population lvl just right seems to have my cells drifting in unison. lol - According to the rules of the game of life ... any more than 3 neighbours will see my cells die of quick. Sounds about right for me. lol

Take Care D - ;)

[Dahila]

Interesting. Reporting; had not so bad day on Market, Not crazy good but good enough for me. Hey D, we are just antisocial. I am giving you the words so you know that you are not alone. I am getting so enough of my family, they irritate me, the young not so young anymore peeps. eh the abyss, is growing the abyss between my generation and theirs. Or maybe some kind of dementia is attacking me :D

[Ponder]

Just another day at the office hey. :) I'm not really into anti anything but yea ... I hear ya. Socialization is a big part of my alternative medicine. I just go about it differently compared to most folks is all.

All that social compliance to be 'young' results in that abyss of which you speak. It effects everyone no matter the timeline. So addicted we have become to our mod cons - since the post and pre-industrial age - that whilst cultural gaps shorten, there's an ever present irony to be found in the isolation of so many. The cost is immense ... our most basic human instinct. In this regard Einstein hit the nail on the head regarding our inability to keep up with tech. The smaller these cultural gaps becomes; the greater that void.

https://image.ibb.co/ddwh08/quote.jpg


Clearly relgion & state only feeds the problem so no good going down that route. Those elements in our society are deceptively pious. Mass control for pacified sheep. Actually 'sheep' is being too kind as at least they know they are being herded.
__________________________________________________ __

Not to worry D ... I know this is nothing new to you. It is good to talk about it though. Acknowledge the truth no matter the discomfort. Only then can a sense of comfort come from having opened our eyes.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrr ... hmmmm ... so this is what it's all about. : ) It really does not hurt as much when other react and hurt us as they do. It's just part and part of the journey within a universe that's so much more than this puny deluded uncivilized world.

Now where talking! It really is a journey about rediscovery. All the history we have been taught and still being pumped through 'the' so called educational institutions - play well into that deceptively woven pious ego. The reason I can say 'the'so called ... is because I have mindfully disconnected from saying 'our' I am not anti ... but I no longer identify as part of the systems and ideals people are expected to identify with. That way I don't feel at a loss because I am not employed, own whatever or am seen as attached to of some cultural demographic. BUT - I do still yearn to mix with other humans. I'm just a lot more careful with whom I mix. Of course I don't want to discriminate because that's just yet another trap.

It's a double bind on so many levels - but that's OK. Transparency I think is the key. How to do whilst remaining humble ... fucked if I know. Alas - I acknowledge those terms. : ) I am a walking self filtering alienating being. hehehe ...

Everything we do, see and say is a reflection of our own creation ... yet the influence or gravity of others can effect us as well. Yet another double bind. How to break out of these conflicts???? Perhaps through the art of observation as related to both quantum mechanics and spiritualists with the humility to accept we need not know.

Hope this finds you well D - I searched for some good vibes just for you:

Grab some headphones and maybe try some of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFGsZ6ythQQ

As long as the forum is still running and I am not booted from it ... I will always be here doing my thing. Don't ask me what that is. :)

This sound therapy is actually quite on the money for me tonight. Not sure about the term happiness in the title. None the less it does seem to be good medicine. Half the trouble is being open to receive hey. I tried to make sure I found quality sound. Hits the mark on that. I like the Pinging/slight melody over the top of the underlying frequency. The lower vibes are just right for me and the xylophone melody helps to carry my through the abyss that you described. Much better traveling though it that way hey. : ) ... We deserve this D ...

Thinking of you, Sal and any of the other lurkers reading on. We all deserve a break.

Night folks ... Yawn ... man these vibes are working well ... helps to have good headphone ... (I'm favouriting this one!)

Night ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

The forum seems to be loading up better at the moment D. Could you please confirm later (if you happen to pop not long after me) if the forum is still loading up painfully slow your end? No big deal. Would you agree that the forum has a history of very slow loading times? I note that there once was a time for me that loading up Facebook resulted in conflicts where AF would not load at all. I would have to reset my cookies and even then it was still iffy. I might load Facebook up a bit later and do a load test with the forum once more. It's not like we can do anything as we don't own or run the forum ... I am just curious is all.

Ahyhoooowwwws ... I'm of for my morning walk. Hope this finds you well. ;)

[Dahila]

yes is loading much better for me :) I do agree that is slow, and it is for about two years already

[salvator here]

Hey Dahila and Ponder.

Just taking things day-by-day I guess. Sometimes I wonder If I'll crack under the pressure. Just keep going I guess.

Just want to say.. sometimes it opens up eyes reading everything you write that you go through. I'm also trying my hardest to get up everyday with a routine. Over the last few weeks, I caved in a spent all day in bed and it was even harder to get back on track and recover.

I do read and think about you as well, just don't post. Agree.. would be nice to catch a break.

Take care and please don't think I'm ignoring you both by any means.

[Ponder]

Thanks D - At least now I know it's just not me.

HEY SAL ... srry to hear about the slippage. It's hard to keep things running on target. I know it may seem pointless at times, but if only to just respond - it still counts as reaching out and your doing so, helps me just as much. Thanks for touching base.

I'm just chilling at the local library using their computers and internet for free. I've lived in quite a few towns and think myself to be lucky that this current place I'm living has free access to computers and the web. Pretty awesome actually. You can even download to USB and access my content on the web. Kudos for that.

Previous to popping in here, I just finished a yearly BBQ get together at the park with one of those mental health places I go to. I'm trying to get around more on my own two feet without using the car. Thankfully I have a friend that also likes to get out of the house and frequent the same places as me. I met him at one of the groups I go to.

Take care my friend. Not to dismiss your own challenges - I really had to crawl out of bed this morning myself. I hear man, I really do. I am glad I did roll out of bed but even more glad you managed to touch base today. I'll call that the highlight of my day. :)

OK ... Off to research more about the PC Game Total War: Rome 2

​

[salvator here]

Thanks for that. Yeah have to get up every day and go through the motions.

Haven't been to a BBQ in a very long time (ages it seems).

Someday I hope to enjoy some of the new games once I get equipment that is capable of handling them. This should crack you guys up a bit :)

Windows XP (Version 2002 SP3)

Intel Pentium (r)D CPU 3.40GHz - 3.339 Ghz - 2.99 GB RAM

LOLOL :D :D :D

Oh well, its paid for, and the only thing I even own at all! Travel lite I do say!!

Anyways.. hope all is well and take good care.

[Ponder]

I'm doing ok man ... thx for asking:

Totally get where your coming from. Really appreciate you sharing that because you doing that is helping me not to take things for granted. I'd like to return the favor by sharing how I learn to settle with what I have during those times I find myself being deluded ... giving in to all that want. It sucks living life like that but something we as consumers are encouraged to live like. Not saying that people with the means should not want ... just saying I really feel from where your coming from.

Nothing wrong with playing classics man. I remember that system specs being my all time want! Depending on your Graphics Specs you could push Unreal Tournament 2004 to 'Ultra' settings - or near enough.

2.99GB ram is an unusual spec - not quite sure if your talking about system Ram and Shared Video Memory. @ any rate ... it really is about knowing what you have and then seeking out the classics that your able to run. You could even make it a hobby or mission to find the best classic games you enjoy to max out your current system. I have a friend with similar specs who pretty much does just that. He was fortunate to have a PCI-E slot on his motherboard that would take an external graphics card.

Are you talking about a laptop or Desktop? If desktop ... undo the little screws holding that case ... take a photo and or the Motherboard details (both) and let me know if you don't already know and or interested in finding a cheap gaming card on eBay that is compatible to your PC.

I've been also researching for yet another friend. We were looking at something like this:
Full system cheap as (https://www.ebay.com.au/itm/Computer-Package-HP-Elite-8000-Core2-Quad-8GB-500GB-22-23-24-LCD-Win10-KB-Wifi/282930557255?_trkparms=aid%3D777003%26algo%3DDISCL .MBE%26ao%3D1%26asc%3D20140117125611%26meid%3D788d 7a204945475ea8ef822a286aea0a%26pid%3D100009%26rk%3 D4%26rkt%3D10%26mehot%3Dpp%26sd%3D201448640084%26i tm%3D282930557255&_trksid=p2047675.c100009.m1982) (link may not be available later)

... and just adding a dedicated low profile graphics card ... However I would recommend another machine as I am sure the Power supply is not up to spec and also overheating issues would arise. But it's the general idea that I am trying to sell ... not that actual system.

For you ... you already have a system ... you could add more system ram and perhaps update the graphics card as I have said. If desktop ... no worries.
_____________________________________________

In fact I think it's time I took out my camera again and started having fun with it ... same kind of thing ... outdated but seriously man ... is all about using what we got.

Let me know what you think. ... In the mean time

... are there any kind of games that you play already? Perhaps a cheap console? That said ... I'm betting there are a few older strategy games that would run on your PC as is. Pixel Snobs miss out on so much and rarely appreciate true game mechanics.

Goto run man ... back later ...

Take Care ... Please go keep popping in. I need the motivation as well.
Thx

[Ponder]

It's crazy how much we actually do take for granted. It really does lead to complacent attitudes where we don't even look after the stuff we wished so badly to get that when we finally got it, we're already harping on about the version yet to be released. In regards to PC games that's exactly why I gave up playing COD. (Call of Duty) It was an awesome game and still is (I flogged the shit out of that game) but when COD2 came out it was like before the time I got up out of my chair to wipe my ass, they had already released COD3. Battlefield went down that same path as that with BF2 being the ultimate in it's genre having BF3 come out and then before those gamers could get up to wipe theirs asses; BF4 hits the scene. Yea Yea - D3 is kind of old in the tooth and a good example of a sequel in much need, but for the most part - updating with a few expansions, DLCs and Mods would be good enough.

Anyways ... don't mind me. I am just unwinding before I get back into Rome 2 to make a few moves.

In the mean time ... I did grab my outdated camera (which Is barely 12 months old [see what I mean!]) Many Photography enthusiasts get caught up in the whole pixel debate like gamers with endless amounts of cash. I say fuck all that shit. I do have plans on the horizon to acquire some more 'stuff' but I do wish to remain realistic about such things. It's more about keeping up the desire - keeping motivated with what I already have.

I actaully got rid of a LOT of higher end camera gear ... then bought some more ... then got rid of it and so on. D has seen me go through those episodes. :) Hey D? Is all good. D knows or I will presume If I may ... that I for the most part am savvy with buying and selling. I typically get most of my money back and consider the loss more like rental costs to keep up my pursuits ... which also keeps up my knowledge in those hobbies that are in fact good for my well being.

Here is two photos worth showing I took early this morning. It's probably where my little compact camera shines. Taking photos in low light - (that is all things considered within the compact camera range)


https://farm1.staticflickr.com/900/28909379218_45acda1f5e_o.jpg

Now whilst I have already focused on the 'betterment/improvement/polish' of what I and others may or may not expect from whatever camera - in doing so I have detracted from the subject of this photo. How often do we do this with our lives? Think about that for one moment and let that sink in. Grrrrrrrr - Having to constantly prove ourselves in order to obtain the things we take for granted and or told we need. More often than not ... this is how I end up clinging to my lables.

Back to the photo. So yea there is a lot of noise in the darker areas but ... really ... the reality is that whilst most people say their phones are good enough - the latest Samsung Galaxy Note 8 or nor any other at this point take a hand held 'snap shot' and efficiently retain as much information as displayed in above pic. The point is that because I know that from personal experience and don't require a 2 or 3 thousand $$$ camera to boast of what more I could do:

This photo without any of the associated drama and focus on woohoo - is good enough to add a title and make a point.

The Little Fella Having His Morning Dose! refer to above picture.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ______________
______
_



Let me share another without said drama - but keep you entertained:

Whatcha doing Poppa!
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1722/27914123047_29b5c1e6f1_o.jpg

OK ... back to the pixel masturbation. I post edited that one like I did the other, but cleaned it up a little more. It's definitely my low light camera that one. In general I have been settling with my smart phone. Whilst imo it's not as good for low light snap shots as under the same conditions above ... I've given it a go under 'more illuminated' conditions hand held under a canopy of trees ... here is one of those results.

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1753/27916173507_88eca78ece_o.jpg

Here's the thing ... actually coffee time. I'm going to be kind to myself. lol number two for the day. BRB

[Ponder]

Arrrr forget it ... Bla Bla Bla

Me - The Deluded Self Professed Guru. :)

https://farm1.staticflickr.com/888/41886054295_2e24cbd485_o.jpg (https://c2.staticflickr.com/2/1758/42787324531_7da146d952_o.jpg)
On the phone talking with a peer/friend - asking after me, whilst using the phone to remotely take this selfie.

Keep posting Sal! I'm reading you too. Don't forget those questions I asked you ... in your own time of course ... I'll just keep belting away at the keyboard and no doubt whilst inspired once more with my camera will no doubt go on a photo bonanza sharing as I do. Time to start using what I got ... once more ... and no doubt a few more times as the cycles come.

[Ponder]

If you can't get out Sal - I'll share some of my day with you! Today's story goes a little like this: The little fella's super sensory issues won't let anyone touch him let alone his hair and a pair of scissors. He is not fully blown mute, (if he was I'd say he'd be teaching me more than he already does) but he is one of those kids that does not let many family members touch him. Thankfully I am one of the lucky ones that's able to steal the odd hug and kiss. If you look at the 1st photo of my grandson up above, (watching some YouTube in bed) you might notice the butcher job I did on his hair. Actually it looked worse than that from another side. Anyways after sending a photo to his mum after I took to his hair with a pair of left handed scissors ... well let's just say I had to block mum's number for several minutes!

Finally after a lot of Extroverted Tony Robbins brainwashing and several Spanking New Dinosaurs purchased from K-Mart and then a few more 'after the job' ... he finally got his 1st hair cut by a lady who specializes with ASD. Kudos to her!!! She was a good find and we'll be back for more hair cutting and of course - Spanking New Dinosaurs!!! There was no separating me and the lad ... although I and others tried. I've actually been in the process of teaching him some of the freedoms that come from a little distance. (Just a little - as I like to keep engaged with him myself) But that's another story - Both me and the Kid don't trust anyone when it comes to fast paced traffic either on or off the road - pathways and or Malls. We're both working on that. :)

Hope this finds you well. Mission Accomplished - Although the The Bribes left us Broke!
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1748/41890488325_c5396175d8_o.jpg

[Ponder]

GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Fucking Bureaucratic, legalistic, Bombastic Government Agencies!!!!!!!!! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/blue-face/roar-smiley-emoticon.png

[salvator here]

Thank you for sharing all that with me. Will write more when I can think clearer. Cute pictures :)

[salvator here]

Oh good grief.. we posted at exactly the same time.

Whats wrong??

[Dahila]

Yeah, what is happening?

[Ponder]

Just blowing off some steam. Is an appeals process in need of being drawn up. I shall persist as depicted in the following pic. I will not be eradicated so easily. Grrrr grrrr with a little bit of sunshine to assist my ability in growing where this world aims to restrict. I may get knocked down but I will always get back up!

Today's Pic:
https://farm1.staticflickr.com/879/42805597991_583d22e27e_o.jpg

Your most welcome ... Is all good Sal - Just glad you, D and the others are here. We'll get through each day as they come whilst enjoying each others company when time permits.

[Ponder]

Long drive to the city tommorow. Yearly checkup for my wife's MS. Catching up with youngest son and daughter in law.

Thought I would leave you with this:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNd8X2WlPXE

Zzzzzzz night night.

[Ponder]

Scored a hand me down camera - Woohoo. Apparently it was in return for a small gaming laptop that my son burned out through improper use. The gift was unexpected. I was pleasantly surprised. It can take interchangeable lenses but I'm not a fan of standout cameras. The body is not that big (four thirds size with a slightly small sensor -Sony 23mmX) but the 210mm lens really stands out. Not complaining at all ... it's really fun ... I might just pass it on to one of my daughters when I get a smaller super zoom. See what happens. Is good to revitalize a few of my old time hobbies. Good for the mind.

Here are a few shots with that camera thus far:


The train tracks entering the city CBD as seen from my son's balcony: (note the signals upper left of centre in the sun - makes me want to start playing TrainSimulator201

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1808/41927091675_bdb3354103_o.jpg


Outside a backpackers hotel (not sure what's going on there?)
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1746/41927091765_6c4ce9fb06_o.jpg


Again outside backpakers hotel from my son's balcony:
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1734/42110533854_1049ed8c8e_o.jpg


My youngest son and my other half. (In the process of setting up for a picture - but I like these spontaneous one better)
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1755/41017746410_8e2d69e5d6_o.jpg

Not the best quality wise ... not an indoor camera for polished images ... but subject wise they are good shots. Is an outdoor lense and even then a bit on the cheap side ... but who cares! ... is good be to taking shots again.

... until next post.

[Ponder]

Big day tomorrow. Kids are off to work in the morning and we are heading off to the hospital for Lisa's check up. Then we are off to pick up some furniture for the charity work we do and take it home with us for a new house setup on Thursday. I actually have some friends to help move in as well as the charity work - however not feeling to spirited atm as I have become sick with strep throat and flu like symptoms. Not to worry ... I best get to bed now. It was still a good visit catching up with the kids.

Took a photo of the Back packers with existing low light compact: (click to enlarge and scroll around - not bad for a little compact - Lumix LX10/LX15)

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1803/42135093804_1c844b3938_h.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/27cknqy)
Original Size Viewed here (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/42135093804/sizes/o/) ...

Here is one of the office complex across the road - just testing the low light. Would of been good if there was a couple of people in the car park below. That would of really set the scene.
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1721/42853175911_73e7bba68e_h.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/28hMJdx)
Original Size Viewed → here (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/42853175911/sizes/o/) ...

These were taken without a tripod. Just using the rails for the backpackers one above and resting on a clothes horse for the office complex and car park image. The image stabilization is pretty good ... plus I was also using my zen powers to keep steady :)

Not looking forward to all this work ahead ... but will keep my busy I guess. I kind of blew out with the food again - BUT whatever ... it's just a matter of getting out of bed.

Hope this finds you all well.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

Getting ready to pack up and leave at the last minute now ... just wanted to upload these first. Still have fun with both the cameras:

https://farm1.staticflickr.com/892/41962710535_3eff16eca4_h.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/26W6RTe)


https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1824/41052846920_7c5f976959_h.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/25xGz8w)


https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1729/41962707295_d24c55740c_h.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/26W6QVn)

[Ponder]

At the hospital playing with my phone whilst waiting. Whilst smart phones are a long way off optical zoom without all the attachments which again I prefer not to drag around (and sensor size very small) they are still extremely practical for high quality well lit images as well as descriete!

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1765/41963892225_9e17fee294_h.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/26WcVac)

Wow ... one of the catering shops has waitress walking around offering an awesome bacon wrap. I said no, although was hard to resist. Unfortunately the food here at the hospital is lacking in fruits and veggies.

Damn it! Just walked up to me and offered me a hot choclate in a mini cup. I was too weak this time and caved in. One moment while I savour it for a split second!

Arrrr ... I better get and go for a walk. Walls are starting to squeeze on in.

[Ponder]

Speaking of sore throats ... it's been a couple of days now and my throat is fucking sore as!!! (does not help being a mouth breather Grrrrr → damn nose gets clogged up easy) Thankfully I don't need to resort taking pills up my ass seeing as I don't take any. rofl. Been there done that - fuck I was in dire straits then.

I wont go on about the other symptoms. Just glad to be back home although now everyone wants me and my trailer. I will do my best to put on a brave face and who knows, I might start to heal.

In the mean time I am struggling on how to get my routine back on board. 1st things 1st ... need to get physically well. Then I will be more able to right my boats. I was going to say 'then things will fall into place' but not sure it kind of happens like that for those of us frequenting these likewise forums. Hard work keeping stable as is.

Hmmmmmmm - I must be missing my doses of PC gaming. Now there's a thought!!!


Edit ... Making a for quick moves now - The way my throat is now makes me feel like that guy bellow. I'm a cranky bastard when I get sick; but more like mummy's boy really.

https://preview.ibb.co/ei9pxy/Rome_II.png

[Ponder]

Time to unwind.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUWd5xgLXBU&feature=youtu.be&a=

[Ponder]

Well that was interesting. Ended up going to hospital around 2am my time. Have been struggling since Saturday night when I went to the big smoke to visit my son. Not sure how it happened, but I have been struggling with a throat infection that's now spread into one of my ears. Swallowing is painful and when I breathe in the back of my throat feels like it's burning. I did end up helping my a few people with my trailer but ended up making my condition worse. I have not slept properly in days now. Today I do have a doctors appointment but it was actually for something else. A letter I need. I guess it will be a long appointment; or not.

Man ... it's great we have public hospitals here, but it really sucks how they treat people. I was totally ignored at the triage window and then so too was this other fella. I eventually got up to ask about home call doctors (figuring I did not have the capacity to be treated like a sub species) Sadly they too smiled at me like the did the gentleman's frustration before me. I ended up pointing this out to them only to end up advising the nurse that she now presented me with her own sardonic smile. Basically ended up telling them I would come back when I could no longer breathe. but arrrrrrrrr ... let's not be cynical now.

3:21am and counting ... will sip some chamomile and honey. Hopefully I can get in a nap or two before my docs appointment later on. Thankfully I got someone coming with me to that one. Gagging, reflux, throat & ear infection all in one. If I walked into a dusty room I reckon I would keel over in a choking fit. Last time that happened they pegged me as psychosomatic. Now that was a full on humiliating experience whilst being the sickest I had ever been. Looking after the old esophagitis is a bit of a priority for me. I think I will allow myself a few EEEErrrrrrrrrrrrrs ... sip my tea and huddle down with somthing on Netflix.


One more ... EEErrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ... lol hehe ... even hurts to smile ... but mine feels much warmer than that nurse's at the triage window.

Adios
Until next post.

[Ponder]

Started the repair job on the lap top my son burnt out. To be fair I made it work hard myself. Hopefully by some kind of magic once I put it all back together, all the kings horses and men will sing again. :)

https://farm1.staticflickr.com/888/28043130577_5af2251bd2_h.jpg

There's like 20 more screws in the tea cup. Bugger if I can remember where all the short one's go. Least of my problems judging by the marks on the case heat shielding there. That said - the actual board looks pretty good.

[Ponder]

Up and down again BUT thanks to my wife's drugs (doctor no help at all) I might be on the mend. I still not have had a nights sleep since Saturday and it's now Thursday morning. I took endome or endep ... whatever it was it helped.

I am very frustrated with my GP but they know I don't handle meds well, so I think it's more about me. Its is sad that people can't just access the drug store for things as simple as panadene forte anymore. That used to help me through nights similar to what I've been going through.

Helping a DV victim currently sleeping on floor with child today. It might break my recovery, but since my wife and I are only volunteers in the area with criminal history checks down ... it's up to us. I like helping ... just wish we had more people to help.

I best get back to sleep. I have been an ass hole this last week :( but today want to remind myself why I'm doing this work in the first place.

Best get some more sleep. Zzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Still feeling like shit but when out to do what I had to do:

I won't participate on an employment level; but I will help those in need out.

My voluntary Work: Self Directed but under another organisation whose goals - 'thus far' - are similar to my own.

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1765/28063911067_2860af817d_b.jpg

We did a couple of loads + filled the car up each time. It took a while because we had to travel to an adjacent town. I pay for all my petrol, ware and tare and so on. I consider it an investment in doing things I like to do. Helping others out. Most of the donations come via Facebook. It's a good system as we work in connection with an organisation that utilizes volunteers such as myself to assist those most in need. What's even better is that it's NOT church based! I admire that fact a lot.

By days end the occupant that once had nothing but a mattress in an empty house now has pretty much everything she needs. We ended up buying a little more as it was a cold house and figured a heater would be a good addition. Other items not included in the trailer was a microwave, kettle, toaster, Food Hamper, Toiletries, Towels, Bed Lignin, Rug, Kids Games, Wall Pictures, Flowers ... more than I can remember actually. I took over a Queens size bed and mattress, Single Bed and Mattress, Dinning Table, Chairs, Lounge, coffee Table, Bed side tables, TV Stand, TV - DVD player ... bla bla and bla ...

I'm always amazed at how much we are able to collect thanks to all those who donate to us. In that regard I can't knock Facebook. Generally I care less of it, but I guess it does have it's perks. At the end of the job my wife will take photos. I generally care less for this part of the show (despite like taking photos) ... I struggle with the whole show boating feel that goes to it. It's kind of set up like one of those Reality TV shows ... but for the disadvantage kind of thing. I accept that the photos are used more to SELL the concept to those donating ... BUT ... I still struggle with air of expectation that might be places on some of the donations kind of thing. We have run our own charity group and been part of more than just a few and this aspect of expectations and judgment place upon those receiving more often than not detracts from the essence of compassion in my book. Me being homeless for a large portion of my younger life ... (most of it before I met my wife) ... no doubt plays into my apprehension with all the show boating.

For instance ... why set up a dinning table for 6 or 8 when your only helping a mother and child out? I questioned my wife today on this ... but meaning not to disrupt her attempt to follow protocol as the Charity Overseers require photos of the set up house. I proposed to think for a moment like → "Imagine your a mother with a child sleeping on the floor in a bare cold house. You then come home after the day out to find this wonderful transformation - BUT you then see the elaborate display at the dinner table with all the brand new glassware, fine plates and shiny cutlery; only to then ponder just how much of a contrast it is to see so many places set when there's only just yourself with your dependent of course. That contrast in light of having lived so low would in my opinion be more prone to highlight a sense of loneliness?"

Anyways - I figured it would make more sense to set the table only for those occupying the place. Yes make it all nice and fancy with a few quotes ... whatever. Even the quotes I find questionable. Unfortunately it does come down to the selling of the idea. I just tend to get touching about the whole thing as the other side of the coin is also creating that welfare mentality. The latter is not so easy and more often than not more a term to flog the poor rather than address poor ideals. Yea ... it is a good feeling helping people out. I kind of wish I could be there to see how they feel [we are not allowed to know the occupants at all], but then again ... my wife and I have been recipients many times in our own past to receiving likewise help. I must admit I've shed a tear being given Xmas presents for my kids once or twice through the Smith Family. They also sent a few things during the year for the kids schooling. Fact is ... there will always be those who disrespect the help or the gratitude is soon forgot. I get that ... and that's OK ... because I go still go through that with my own kids.

I don't care for the label - 'Enable' - I get it ... but I don't like how hard liners use it ... like they do that term 'welfare mentality' ... just to flog, shame and blame those who are slow learning. My youngest daughter ... mum to my grandson has many issues like me. I'll enable her to cope as long as she need. I do pull back on occasion - but I will be fucked if I will adopt that hard line attitude that preaches terms like "enable & welfare attitudes" ... Again I understand the caution that comes with such terms ... but not from the masses that give with expectations.

Nevertheless ... I am learning to take the bad with the good ... but just do what I can to deliver the Goods!
__________________________________________________

Excuse the rant ... was a big day doing all that with a trailer and still being sick.

I sold a couple of WII U Games today. Now going to treat myself to some Steam DLC. All that train watching in the big smoke has made me take a dive into Train Simulator 2018. I think I will purchase a couple of new routes.

Other than that ... I think one more night on the endome and I should be right as rain in the morning. At least able to swallow without a grimace.

Righto ... time to check the Steam Store.

If your struggling ... find something you like doing. Also remember what you like doing does not always require you to be happy. I find that fact also helps.

Adios ... until next post!

[Ponder]

Steam Sales are on again. I ended up buying an add-on for Railworks Train Simulator - 2018. Loving that game. Staring to get better at it.

Felling better now. I think I am over my bout of the virus.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Have to get my paper work ready for the Psychiatrist. Need to keep focused on why I am going rather than give into all that stigma so many white coats ooze with. They can be extremely narrow minded when it comes to alternative methods. The tend to struggle reading the mentally challenge when they are not on meds. Guess I will have to make this guy work for his money for a change. Tick and Flick will not be so easy with me. That also means I am going to have to work for my intention as well. It goes both ways I guess. Thankfully there will be no prodding in the sense of forced compliance. This arrangement is rather mutual between myself, my psychologist and general practitioner. The question is ... while this white coats be when he meets me?

I'm going to have to work on that ... lest I attract my own nervous energy.

We shall see.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz One more day before the meet.

[Ponder]

OK - just a journal entry and some pep for the anxious meeting ahead.

I have time for a solid walk ... a little healthy breakfast and then get some of my evidence / historical background ready. Damn if I do focus on that and Damned if I don't when it comes to tick and flick.

SAL - Thinking of you as well as I remember you saying Monday was a big deal for you as well. Not sure where you are again ... U-S-A? ... if so Monday is already here for me with you soon waking up to it.

Good luck either way ... remember to focus on the light that IS making it's way through the crack! Re the pros in your medication reduction. Not sure if you read in my other post. Dose not have to be that .. just more meaning find something to start with in your session...to keep you focused more on working towards rather than that black hole that keeps us pegged.

For me ... hmmmm ... I try to find time when I get back to find a topic in where I should start re my own session today.

For now I get out the door and grab me some sun.

Back soon enough.

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you too.

[Ponder]

PHEWWWWW - Quick Journal entry. Man oh man. I am so glad that session is over. I finally met a psychiatrist that actually listened. I'd love to go into details of how things seemingly went right but I am kind of exhausted as the build up to that meeting has been long and intense. I do feel I sensed a genuine tone in his voice when he expressed he enjoyed my transparency. I was like a race horse out of the gate once I had convinced him that I would need at least 5 minutes uninterrupted to outline my most concerning thoughts, what I was hoping to get from our meeting and then lead into my introduction concerning the main points as to why I was refereed by my psychologist and GP.

I was accompanied by my mentor whose role on this day was then support person. My wife waited in another room up until I had delivered my opening speech and started to deal with the core of referral. At that point I felt I was OK to continue with this professional to whom I typically refer in here; as white coats. My support person took a seat in the waiting room once my wife came in.

The inclusion of support person not only helped to alleviate my anxiety and help keep me on track, but also consolidated my current supports lending a sense of genuine and validity to my case. So too also having my wife by my side when appropriate to the information being sort. I knew these elements of support would be favorable in as much as my past and present compliance with utilizing and sourcing available supports. In this planning I also note, I had more than enough historical data ready to pass on without the need for copying, but it was all relevant and straight to the point. This latter element of evidence was the last part of my 5 minute introduction.

During the entirety of the session the whole issue of alternative practices and being non medicated was also seemingly acceptable. I advised the man that he already sees my youngest daughter and that he would do well to understand the bigger picture as since I stared getting therapy there are now 3 of us seeing the same therapist other than him + my eldest daughter who sees another. We talked about the need to constantly prove one's illness in order to justify receiving help when welfare dependent. As well as the negative impact mostly being staying unwell due to clinging/identifying to labels, symptoms and so on ... I also highlighted the good in peer based operations now starting to pop in various parts of the community where impaired individuals are helping others as well as them self. Basically talking about individuals that severely affected where they can no longer work, yet are provided with a place of acceptance and opportunity to be seen and see themselves in a confident and competent light.

Hmmmm ... I am waffling on ... but is OK ... it is good to reflect so I can better learn to influence where needed when working against stigma in my dealings of these crucial meetings where outcomes can weigh greatly on Societal Expectations! Now I am really getting concise with my words as there is really so much BS in the system that ties that hand of both clients and practitioners when it comes to that proving of one's condition re jobless justification. If I had it in me ... I could write a book on the deception that is played into such buffering - herding of the sheep. Part of that was in my 5 minutes as well. It was important to get the BS out of the way. I'm already on a disability pension - but the question could be from his perception is it under threat as to how much of a ploy am I building my own case. Me the professional doll bludger - AKA Welfare professional. I played all the cards on the table because I am super sensitive to all that scrutinizing many of these 'professionals' find themselves in when it comes to the drafting gates. (separating the sheep) It's not personal ... it's just the system. When I get frustrated I can tend to make it personal ... but thankfully I prepped well for the meeting and it went well all things considered.
__________________________________________________ ______

I think I covered the gist of the meet well enough. If there is anything I can pass on to these type of sessions whether they be psychotherapy, assessments, reviews and or diagnosing/es, is to work out when your just jumping hoops or when it's a good time to go all out and take control of the hoop. Having support really helps. In most cases with welfare dependent types where you wind up with cereal packet doctors or simply over worked / overwhelmed professionals they can quickly redirect your own aims by either direct dismissal if they see your struggling to keep focus, too depressed to stay the course or even know what you want. It's a dog eat dog world out there that's designed to keep people from defending themselves. I know that sounds hard core but beleive me when I say that's the fucking truth of the matter. If your not paying TOP $$$ and don't have the support and or backing of a long drawn out tooth and nail case ... the system is designed to see you fail until which point you either end up in hospital (where everyone ends up in our modern system) or you give up.

That's the so called beauty of our complex system. It's why it has become as complex and competitive as it has.

It's a fucking mess and I am getting fucking sick of having to prove a point ... none the less ... I think I might just be able to pull of my latest case.
______________________________

The crux of things ... in my 5 minute intro during that meeting ... the energy behind my concerns:

Welfare reforms are taking a major change in this country and most people are missing it. Many of the mental health service are currently changing hands whilst there is a transition in agencies. The National Disability Insurance Scheme originally proposed for psychical and neurological impairments have taking now mental illness. Unfortunately they are making this transition of pulling away vital services without proper mental health insights/ knowledge whereby those of us now being rejected by this new agency are soon to find ourselves without supports. During the rejection process many people are losing their current pensions/benefits. There is a deceptive review process taking place without individuals realizing the real agenda of what's going on.

I'm not happy about it by a long shot. The psychiatrist not only found my transparency to be genuine, but also intriguing as he opened up to me about the negative effects he has also been seeing with many of his patients loosing their benefits with new societal expectation back on them leaving many derailed without an ounce of hope. Back to square one and in many cases worse off.

Fucking Welfare Reforms. I'm prepping for a heartless society as already endured in the United States. They have been trying hard here in this country to stave off such chaos ... but this recent move regarding welfare within the mental health sector means a LOT of instability ahead.

There are a LOT of services selling themselves over to this new agency which advocates how it's helping the mentally affected but the truth is ... there is a massive thinning taking place. So it is that this is what I am prepping for ... constant appealing. Eventually there will come a time where I will either decide ... hmmm ... well ...

What can I say ... I really don't want to go there. I let the whole petrol can and rope episode slip out and saw immediately what looked like bias take expression on the psychs face. He is only human. I did tell him that I am getting fucking sick of this shit and just want my fucking space to keep my lid on. Went into how that is my contribution to society whether they like it or not. He seemed to understand that I did not want to explode ... I carefully brought the energy back into a state of recovery and focused on strength based language to consolidate my capacity for compliance despite the BS in which all of us must live ... and play our parts.

What a fucking post tonight ... put it all out on a limb I say. I really am getting tired of all this shit.

At least thus far its still mutual. The handcuffs are still there to be sure ... but much better than the biting kind made of metal. Somehow the way things are going ... prisons are about to become more lucrative. ... as the saying goes:

That's another story.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

Indeed D ... Indeed. Sheeple. :) On a lighter note I found time to drive the southern class 377 train (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3A4NNJbJM2s) from London to Brighton during all the fuss yesterday. Of course my experience was a manifestation all taking place inside my head - through the wonderful technology of pixels and sound:

Here's an image minus the sound:
https://image.ibb.co/eEDvZo/4.jpg

With a good set of headphone and a fast enough PC to run without glitches, belting down the tracks at a steady pace brings about a sense of nostalgia that helps me relax. My time spent as a homeless individual in the city lead me to having a close affinity with trains. Perhaps not the usual circumstance to which fuels the passion for your average train buff. The main city station made for a place or refuge from the streets above as well unwelcoming weather. The sounds helped to drain out much of what was in my head and when I was not 'jumping' trains but more using them to sleep ... the rattling sound helped to put me to sleep. In this light I found much solace in both train stations and trains.

There is more to the story but I think that sums up my liking for trains pretty well. I'm yet to get back on one and in fact have convinced my wife we ought to do it soon. I used to catch them quite a bit between cites up and down the south east coast of Australia when not hitch hiking. The scenery was quite something without the distraction of other road users or any roads for most of the journey point blank. Having grown up mostly in the bush, I used to walk across a few paddocks wayward from the rural roads playing on railroad tracks. This also during my hitchhiking career. The only thing is that they were not good places to sleep. 100 Times louder than a highway bridge leaving one in need for a change of clothes upon waking to the sound of thunder booming in one's ears. lol

Simulations Games are something I love. I have a good spacial awareness that feeds back well to linear space. Whilst most people complain about outdated graphics I measure a sim more on depth of field combined with gaming mechanics. The weather affect very much how the train rides and feels. When inside the cab and moving one's field of view with the mouse - it feels as good to me as VR would to those with eyes to spare for several years subject to that. VR tech is not ready for those with reading glasses and in some respect present issues for long term use for those yet affected by age. My next jump in simulated tech assists will be more a new display with perhaps an upgrade back to a surround sound headset ... like the one I had - the one my son broke. Grrrrrr. With regard to screen I am thinking a 21:9 aspect ratio. I'll need a beefier system ... all in good time.

I was unable to save the laptop my son also broke ... lol ... I still love him. Chip off the old block! He has just built himself a new desktop ... although selected the wrong motherboard. I smile to think I warned him but he was like fobbing me off. : ) ... He is learning. I am honored that for the most part, he seem to know what he is doing.

Amway's it was a cold winters atypical British day driving the train yesterday:
https://image.ibb.co/jn3Jn8/2.jpg


This was another scenario in the early evening. It felt very real. I'm getting good enough that I can take a peek by venturing out of body to take a look at passing trains thanks to the awesome camera controls:
https://image.ibb.co/jxEPS8/3.jpg





Today I make a return to my psychosocialization routine with mens group. I've been so busy with having to proove myself that I have had no time for myself. Hopefully I set time aside to download an set up a program that shows my train trips in live time via google maps. Here is a cool video that shows it well enough. Although the live connection can be a little out of sync depending on speed traveled. I note when the train slows the lag evens outs. Other factors are peoples computer specs and recording at the same time can make for choppy footage. Thankfully with my system specs and finely tuned settings I am getting smooth frames:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9F4Ph0TUY8

I think that will be a task to set up so will leave bide me time for that.

[Ponder]

SAL? How did you go?

[Ponder]

I can appreciate the down time whatever that be. Just want to let you know I understand either way and even if I don't I'm on your side and whilst the scales might seem unbalanced we can still work towards some form of composure. I'm kind of tethering everyday this last two weeks doing my best to keep stable. My resorting back to long posts of the journaling kind I find helpful. In this respect I am also striving to be mindful. Although 'striving' whilst on the mark, I would much prefer to utilize a more relaxing term. I think this world focuses too much on striving is all.
__________________________________________________ ______________



I did receive quite a hopeful letter from my psychologist yesterday. One that can be used to good effect in my NDIS appeal. Thinking about the point of rejection regarding my application would make for a good topic:

The Permanency of Mental Illness: Just read the bold for a quick reference ... it will make more sense ... the rest is the space I require in order to reach said conclusions.

What about it? Well for one it seems to be the point of call in all matters of proving one's worth when dealing in society from a byproduct - point of view. AKA - Those who've been dealt a bad hand typically go on to make their own fateful moves. Good or bad cards we all do. Whether any of our cases be defined as victim or victim mentality, this perception is usually influenced by how much we subscribe to what we've been taught, how we have been conditioned and or what we've endured. But here's the thing - This continual process of having to prove one's worth whether unemployable or 'not' comes out in the end, with the same results for those deem ill-equipped or not. The nature of one's permanency can only be defined by the story to which we cling.

That last sentence nails it for me. It's taken me a while to come to grips with that bit of insight. Understanding it without getting lost in it, is as hard as giving up one's most addictive patterns. What 'Story' is it that YOU cling to?

Forgive me. That's completely rhetorical. I am just posing more questions for myself in this here attempt to make sense myself.
__________

Sigh ... Coffee Time. - Focus Dave ... What's that title really about.

Let's see ... That first bolded sentence is true enough. Why do we Cling? All this damn fighting we do. I say fight, because it's part of that mentally we have been fed, part of the competitive nature to which has nothing to do with nature itself. We are so far out of sync as a society that we are far removed from our natural states of being. We do more to destroy our own nest than we claim to learn from this world - in which we claim to live - yet more like sleep. Yet to speak out against the so called hand that feeds us, sees one quickly tossed out of the nest. How quick we turn ourselves and each other, once our bubbles are shattered? How hollow are our responses? They tend to validate just how pointless our ideals really be.

Minus that tangent - we have been taught to think death is the enemy ... we must FIGHT ... Fight the good fight. I'm old enough to of seen friends die of cancer and now watching via Facebook my sisters young boy going down the same path. Many of the cries within those posts, cry out the same word over and over. FIGHT FIGHT & FIGHT!!!
________________

OK - I'm going to stray from the title now. Thing is I am just learning to roll with the punches whilst highlighting the irony of our 'system.' Call it whatever ... Society, Religion, Beliefs, Ideals, Way Of Life, Perspective - wtf ever; basically that patch of space beneath your feet or ass -whatever it is that's holding you together. Last few words spasmodic I know ... how about that illusive space between each breath. I think that there is the ticket. less clinical of course and far removed from the title when it comes to building a case. We do too much building in this fucked up world. It's all we do and then claim it to be progress whilst at that same time destroying the nest. You get the point.

I know it's all in the way we hold our story. This I have only come to learn through Eckhart Tolle books and copious mounts of like wise self help text. Not something I've been easily able to digest - but it's sinking in. To disidentify in a way that leaves one able to still see, is for me key to objectivity to whatever any of us build. It also affords me the energy required in order to play this game - the game of life. To be sure most moments for me feel far removed from actually living - yet the struggle in itself when viewed objectively, more so observationally; tend to make the 'pay off' more real - than all the compensation offered to those abuse ... or for those seeming doing well ... than that tasteless carrot on end of stick.
______

Righto ... enough said. I actually switch between objectivity and subjectivity according to where I feel I need to be. It's never one way for me. All this complicated legalistic BS of late - including the family courts re my grandsons future, which is just as if not more daunting than my own ... SIGH ... Welfare Reforms - Appeals - Continued Quantifying Re Validated Abuse - Psychotherapy based more on proof rather than healing with additional assessments again for proving ... yadda yadda ...

BUT - Fuck it all ... I'll leave more of that paper work for the weekend. Like I said ... just scored a decent letter that should bode well. See what happens when I wrap my head around that on the weekend.


What's on for today? I think I'll just keep driving trains and perhaps make a few more moves in Rome 2. I might ... MIGHT ... turn up to the new place I joined.

Unfortunately things are not going so well for me at the facility where I resigned my position on their community advisory council. More so for the reasons I ditched it and how I did. Yet more BS based on their own agenda ... alas already been said and done in their own presence as well as in here. Like I said in this post - The have thrown me out of the nest! There is an air of animosity that's somewhat best described as "Unwelcomed" AKA Alienation. I'm not wearing that as all in my head brought about by my own fallibility. Instead - that's my healthy form of non-compliance as I won't feed the system with it's bullshit reliance to it's expected outcomes. Not when it ignores the good already in present within. Those assholes preach their there not to fix, yet make people out to be broken unless they meet their outcomes. Time to move on. So it is that I may or may not stick with this new place I set up some weeks ago. It is different ... but right now ... I still need my own space ... in my own realm that is currently being best facilitated in STEAM!

On that note I return to my LIBRARY OF GAMES and give this one up ... for now at least. So now having blown off much needed steam ... I go check out some other games and or Add-Ones. If I explode ... at least it will be in a world that won't destroy this one :) HMMMM ... BUT - Not so in that TV Series called the FRINGE (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fringe_(TV_series)). In that universe ... both worlds have the possibility to be destroyed. Is a good watch. A modern day Xfiles.

I'll tread carefully.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

I came across this really cool point and click story game on steam for like two bucks ninety nine. I ended up buying the fifty plus bundle for fifteen after checking out the sequels. I actually think the outdated / original story did an excellent job with both dialogue and art. In fact the voice overs in the latter parts 'Dreamfall Chapters' was a little off putting - BUT - the story is awesome - so makes up for it.

Here's the link to the bundle on Sale:
https://image.ibb.co/cX1Rc8/Bundle.jpg (https://store.steampowered.com/bundle/3297/The_Longest_Journey_Bundle/)

I took a bit of time to look into the series and for those interested the story goes in the following order:

1. The Longest Journey
2. Dreamfall The Longest Jouney
3. Dreamfall Chapters

There was going to be one called 'The longest Journey Home (http://tlj.wikia.com/wiki/The_Longest_Journey_Home)' as a kickstarter project but I can't find much on it and don't beleive it went any furhter. If it did I don't beleive it would of been the same story. None the less I like some of the art they came up with: More info on the END of the series can be found → Here (https://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2016/06/18/dreamfall-chapters-5-released/)

https://image.ibb.co/eq2Sjo/The_Longest_Jounrey_Home.jpg

______________________
____
_

I'll link the beginning of the game play of Part One of the story - The Longest Journey - as I find it much more intriguing than just the trailer. It's starts of with on old women telling a tale and a few minutes into that, then opens up into a bizarre but captivating story that held my attention way longer than I thought I was going to give. In this sense I don't beleive the trailer does it justice as I believe most people might right this off due to it's age. (old in PC terms)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJovn6zHpPg&t=759s

If I was not collecting these tel tale games for my library, this could easily be watch without purchasing it and you would still get just as much from it! In fact after I play through it I don't doubt that I might just do that myself. I've tried my hand at one called 'life is strange' but put it down like a book that never really took. This story however is much more to my liking.

I'll skip straight past the sequel or part two and link the last chapters - Dreamfall Chapters. This one I did not like some of the voices but like I say ... the story line sounds really great.
Here's (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lr1x_jY-Z9I) the trailer to that one.

However it is recommend to play/watch the first two original stories in the series. If you don't want the bundle pack .. the first story is currently only $2.99 (https://store.steampowered.com/app/6310/The_Longest_Journey/)


Wiki Plots - Be sure to read the Dreamfall Chapters Plot - but also make sure play/watch the others first.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Longest_Journey

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dreamfall:_The_Longest_Journey

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dreamfall_Chapters

-------------------------------

Time to go do some dreaming myself.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

​Speaking about making a cup of green tea - here is a shot of my kitchen as I happened across it this fine morning:

My Tea Collection is on top of the food dryer, top left hand corner next to the blue ceramic water filter. I generally prefer loose leaf tea but takes a little longer is all. The process helps to slow me down.
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1767/28181893777_ff9824181e_o.jpg


Here's my morning drop of green:
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1770/28181891697_01765b9ab7_o.jpg

Oh yea ... please do excuse my crumby bench ... meh.

Damn ... I got a kitchen to clean!
__________________________________________________ ________________________________________

Just keeping things real. I'm not the only one that lives her nor has issues. Shhhhhhhh ... I never just said that. Doh! They are cruising about the place now. I best put on my headphones and zone in as I'm not yet quite finished with my mental morning stretch.

Free styling with
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mm Hey Bob's post re his video on point 2 has me thinking more on how healing vibrations work as too the negative effects to that which we have been exposed to. Whilst my aging ears and the associated ringing that now has a permanent place within - one in which I now have thankfully embraced. Ring ring ... : )

I found this - yet another good find I must put in my tool box of trick. WARNING ... just like the green tea and like wise aids ... you'll need to find the right dose and avoid overuse. Hard to do with us compulsive types.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMFQmu-k0_g

The above tune is actually working quite well for me. It helps to understand how the process works. Just research things like vagus nerve and anxiety (http://vagus nerve and anxiety), sound vibration and healing (https://www.google.com.au/search?rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&ei=mQk0W_yBNISn0gSe15_QCw&q=sound+vibration+and+healing&oq=sound+vibration+and+healing&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0i22i30k1l2.47889.52145.0.52753.29.16.1.2.2. 0.503.2287.2-3j3j0j1.7.0....0...1c.1.64.psy-ab..19.10.2293...0j0i22i10i30k1.0.tPaFrdnmBHU). That will get you started. For me I've experimented with singing bowls, brain sync, bio feedback down to focused meditation with vibration in mind as well as something as simple as learning to play the native american Indian flute. Just found an old video I did - remember those mental health vids where I'd just get in front the camera and self reflect in much the same way I am now ... I link one at a point where I talk about my digestive system and the Vagus Nerve. Here (https://youtu.be/0JCfb-0CiAM?t=843). Might be a bit raw for some - but glad I found it. I should start getting back in front of the camera as was a good way to reflect and or express. My cognitive and faults is a lot easier to see ... but I don't mind. Especially in some of my other videos. It's all a part of unpeeling, unraveling and feeling. Vibes don't work unless you have the ability to feel them. Sensitive individuals have the power to be so much more; other than broken people.

It's all in the way we see. Thankfully I have found another individual like myself on Facebook who shares similar to me. That really gave me a boost in knowing what I do to remain stable is quite valuable.


NOW I leave with you with one more thing ... this will enhance the effect of the Vagus Never Stimulating Video above, as well as help you understand how better how these tunes work. Different frequencies for different folk.

Watch you do is open the above video and then go open this → one (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFGsZ6ythQQ)

With the two of them open play them together. So one is playing over the top of the other. These two work well together. In fact the video entitled 'Happiness Frequency' already has that vagus stimulating vibe in it. By opening other tunes similar to each other you can tune the effect. Changing the volume of one to the other also factor in as well as selected tunes/vibes.

I'm always looking for new ways to mix things up.

Adios until next post. ; )

[Ponder]

Reality Check: :)

Best to have one of those on occasion. If your reading D - I hope your soap sales are going through the roof! Actually I'm hoping your just content with whatever is - it's all in the journey ... right? Hope your doing OK as well Sal?

Back again making another entry. Doing whatever works. I guess we are all different in that respect. My psychologist [actually - Not 'My' ... but ... 'The' psychologist] I have been seeing often talks about my apparent need to externalize. See what I just did then? Ownership ... with using the term 'my' rather than 'the' ... we are so imprinted with this delusion of thinking, that we desire to own everything - to make everything 'our property'. The reasoning from those pious when talking from such position of ownership is to imply that those observing this fallibility; takes things too literally. It's true, I often do take thing literally. Pros & Cons to literally thinking but I see none in this aspect of ownership and property. Responsibility on the other hand is more on target. OK enough of the BS.

What's happening today?

hmm ... Time to wrap up my appeal. Sounds like a plan.


Oh yea ... last night I did a cool trip between Brighton & London. I'm becoming a confident train driver with each passing day. :) Today I will try and make that trip without using the overhead hud but instead just use the railway signage.

I've let a few things slip and whilst that is ok for now ... I can see that it could get out of hand. This week I would really like to suggest to myself that I tighten up my routine. That too sounds like a good plan.

I best get on with the one at hand.

Adios ... until next post.

[Dahila]

I am reading, you have a very fancy porcelain tea cup and ? how do you call the other thingy? Soap is not selling as well as I would like , it is a small very small part of my products. :) I am finally getting my sense of smell for like two hour a day and I made a new ones colored with natural clay, scented with lemongrass, and lemongrass and green tea; it is smelling like heaven. Another one lavender, and 18 patchouli and lavender ; the hippy scent ;) I wish people here were more into natural soaps. difficult market for it in my city . I am happy you have your niche with the games, I do the same but with books, Can not survive without books :) till next time

[Ponder]

Tea Pot, cup & Saucer. The games have been more a distraction at the moment whilst I tackle other things I'd rather not have to endure. You know how I tend to dive into things. Sounds like the other products of your store are doing well enough? A lavender pillow would do me well about now. ZZZZZzzzz

[Dahila]

hm I sell most of all Facial lotions and salves :) and Bath bombs with toys inside ;)

[Ponder]

LOL D. My grandson would love something like that. You got any with dinosaurs inside? Hey ... Is awesome to see John drop by hey. :)

HEY JOHN ... Here's a quick Video I threw together. Just saying hi and letting you know straight up how I'm doing. Basically is good to see you again. I hope this video makes up for not mentioning your name. Seriously you have been on our minds! It's just been a long time is all. You know you mean a lot to both D and I. The forum has been quiet ... but it's been a good quiet.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYpzEZZzPvc&feature=youtu.be

________________________________

Here's a photo I took this afternoon. I think I take it in as I prep for sleep.
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1768/42223543145_36101da9a7_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/27k9Gkc)

.... and this one ... a bird that regularly visits as we now feed them from time to time. Won't go into the pros and cons of that right now, except to say we enjoy each others company. This too taken this afternoon.
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1783/42223654575_c5fb5d2a7e_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/27kagsp)

[Dahila]

Yeah it was such nice surprise to get Pm from John, I am constantly thinking about him, in a good way.

[Ponder]

Struggling ...

[Ponder]

1. I just found out through online investigations that one of the individuals I testified against at the Royal commission into institutional responses into child sexual abuse, had himself later been utilized by the commission, by way of requesting him to write a report, along the lines of how to better train priests ... Something to that effect. This information can be found online to which my wife intends to iron out later - Right now I am struggling to comprehend how to process at this point. The abuser in question also had dealings with my brother which strikes a raw nerve with me, especially since my brother is now dead; prematurely so.

2. Factor in Pastor Fullwood ... part of another denomination/establishment, part of another claim already under liquidation and thus; confirmed as abuser → Still has an distinguished award known as the 'Order of Australia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Order_of_Australia).'

3. Let's also factor in the Primary School (where my brother attended that was associated to the children's home where we were both housed) Principle that was charged with Pedophilia, where I wrote a post that detailed how my wife contacted the courts to inform them this individual had a role within the dept of justice. His position was promptly overturned, yet this latest find regarding an individual I know first hand abused his trust, now being used by the royal commission.

It's all very overwhelming to sat the least.

I am unsure as to my next step. It's no longer about $$$ - Major Conflict taking place :( :( :(

Can you see the pattern of hypocrisy in the above?

How the hell to I formulate my approach? What do you want is the atypical response. This is beyond a complaint. This feels criminal to me. It's not about what I want ... It's feels like I am being silenced by the very anchorites that claim to be seeking justice.

Remember when I came back from the Royal Commission and posted about how I never felt like I told my story ... that I actually felt like my concerns were being dismissed and that it was more like I was being lead during the questioning phase? The Commission had a slogan during that time, thanking us for 'telling YOUR story' --- I remember well being my dissatisfaction at being quickly dismissed on all my concerns re the the individual I was accusing had abused not only me but others as well.

How the fuck they went on to put him in such a position of trust after himself having allegations of child sexual abuse? Like WHAT THE FUCK!!!

When will this ever fucking end!!!

SIGHHHHHHH

I'm sorry D - this shit is still unfinished ... if anything ... the injustice is still quite present ... still happening.

The reason I have found out this latest new, is because the funds allocated to the children of abuse re Quest Care (the initial home for trouble children) have all but been eaten up in legal fees with loads more victims coming forward now resulting in lack of compensation as establishment sold out as soon as I blew the whistle. The did so in a way that left little funds A hand out will be made, but with statements being made that none of us will be adequately compensated, many of us are now seeking payouts through the National Redress Scheme - which is permissible given the dynamics surrounding said liquidation.

But fuck it - this latest finding given the unjust nature wound into those 3 points above? Fathom that from my point of view?

SIGH - WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_________________________________

Again ... this has to go beyond a complaint. The Pastor Fullwood now being deemed abuser regardless of lack of payout still comes with confirmation of abuse to which we have been waiting for ... any day soon. No matter how small that payout, the real payoff will be having this Order of Australia Removed. But again WTF - The Royal Commission having fobbed my off when testifying against this other abuser whom I KNOW from personal experience we bedding us boys.

He even later claimed to be an expert on Male Prostitution ... Used it in some dissertation to further his fucking Career and now having been fucking utilized by the Royal commission into institutional responses into child fucking sexual abuse.

OMFG ...

ok ok ... I try to settle. Hopefully blowing off some of this steam will help me academically bring into perspective the criminal work going on here. A fucking dissertation ... Pastor Fullwood did the same thing. His work was on how young boys responded to psychical discipline. The abusers experimented on us and were later awarded medals and further positions of trust.

How can I tell this story? Like I say ... it's far removed from a complaint where the system automatically respond "what would you like us to do?"
_________________________________________________

THANK FUCK THIS COUNTRY DOES NOT ALLOW THE SALES OF GUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

edit ... just posted this with some more incoherent rambling to the PRIME MINISTER AND CABINET ... Pffft and Meh ... No one gives a fuck!!!!!!!

[Ponder]

Perhaps that will put things into perspective. Just linked it with Authorities to give them something to consider. I linked it at a specific point to show my objections re the commissions not hearing my objections in which they will have the minutes to my testominy if they care to fucking see how I attempted to discuss the child molesting Dr David Leary!

https://youtu.be/CMCzQDFnvJY?t=665

I did in one video on my mental channel discuss this individual on how he used his position of trust to groom us boys and bed us the way he did. As for my behavior in this video - Just like most things in my life ... I am ashamed of it. That said ... I also think I ought not to be. This my reality just as it was for those that came before me and can no longer talk because those most of them are either dead or just too tired, pacified or just plain too fucked up to even express.

Better out than in I say. I always said I would save this vid until such a time it was meant to be linked. I'll probably end up with blue coats (now dressed in black like soldiers ) on my door ready to pepper spray me. Story of my life ... another aspect of living in fear.

Sigh ... I already said how I was tired ... no I am feeling wired. Is hard living with these extremes. Now I feel like who the fuck am I kidding? What the fuck have I been doing? But narrrrrrr ... this shit aint right. Don't let it be about how fucked up I am as the system is quite apt on that delivery. Making us all feel that it's completely and deeply our fault ... always us in need of fixing.

Righto ... I sign out and wait the fall out ... check my next appointment to see a professional.

Well what da ya know ... in two days time. I think I best break down and cry. A fucking long time overdue. I feel like crying when my brother died ... that's how I truly feel.

People in here wonder why I speak so harshly about society ... why I am so cynical. SIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I wonder why - perhaps he'll die. Goes the chime of one child's book.

I will have to stop dry reaching eventually. Talk about double bind to the max.

I don't mean to pull a reply out of you D - but do you think I have the capacity to pull through this latest drama?

Two more days until I see my therapist. I see what I can do. Fuck any of your run of the mill mental health moderators. Why the fuck do I feel like someone is itching to silence me in my most desperate time of need to express like i did back in 2014. Most government and institutional minded groups do not allow such exposing.

Trigger - reality ... Australian Government Agency designed to assist victims of child abuse elect a perverted child molester to come up with solutions.

Talk about vulnerability shall we?

Adios ... until next fucking post. :(

[JohnC]

Nothing wrong with a good cry!! It does not mean you are weak or girlish .... If anyone says any different i'll kick the shit out them!!!!;)

[Ponder]

Hey John. Thx for the support. Means a lot.

[Ponder]

SOLD:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSVTVVw1Pr4
Excellent Reviews. (https://store.steampowered.com/app/414340/agecheck)

[salvator here]

Thank you Ponder. I read your last 2 replies to me and I appreciate it very much. Reading everything and catching up.

Couldn't figure out how to multi-quote your post(s) today in reference to me or I would. Can't think clear enough. Just want to say I appreciate everything you wrote in 2 other threads and in here. Today was the first day I was able to even think clear enough to get on the keyboard. Avoiding everything and everybody. Sometimes have to when in that state of mind.

Used to be able to cry and somewhere and some point I stopped crying and keep things bottled up inside now until I feel explode or implode sometimes. Was a good release and felt better. Sometime when I feel sadness (almost always do) just go totally numb. Hurts inside to hold back emotion. With me, it seems to start with hurt, then to heart pounding and burning anger, then to no emotion and numb. Not good. Hurts physically.

[Ponder]

Your welcome Sal. You keep this place alive for me. TY.

I'm still struggling massively this morning. My wife refused me meds last night. I kind of grateful she did, although last night I had a new appreciation for them. Still debating whether to go see my GP about the PTS spike. I'm feeling as corrupted as I was feeling in the vid I linked above BUT ... I have this space here.

I mean seriously ... we are so fortunate to have this space to do as we please. We may as well use it to do breathe as we will. Truly most mental health places do not let people speak out the way we have up till now been permitted in here. Touch wood we can still do so in the foreseeable future.

OK - Time for my walk.

____________________________

Thanks again Sal for being here as too reaching out in your other thread. Same to you D and also hope work sailed on by John.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

1. Just do some Chores - There's plenty form which to choose. Start in you room where you sleep - DAVE! that's right I'm talking to you!

2. Eat Something Healthy - that works for YOU!

3. Pat yourself on the back for getting out the door, doing laps and greeting the Sun

4. Once you get some of your shit out of the way ... have a shower and a shave.

5. Then start working on what you must.

6. Be sure to take brakes.

7. Mow The Lawn

8. Play some Games

9. Work on what you must.
__________________________________________________ _____________

[Ponder]

Highlight of the day - Went to the police station with the support of mentor where I made a formal report of child sexual abuse against Dr David Leary. Dr David Leary was one of the people the Royal Commission used to write a report on how priests should behave in the future. I ended up breaking down and having a cry ... although still held it back quite some.

Still processing ... yet make a detailed, concise and more correctly termed complaint for the Royal Commission. edit ... I really don't trust those fuckers at all and still wondering if I should even be wasting my time writing to them ... re that chapter I am yet to write. Struggling big time because even though Leary is responsible for grooming and giving in to his own whims ... the system is responsible for the huge amount of PTS currently surging this nation!!!
_________________

That's enough for today.

[Ponder]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FR_MY_Oy8Uw
Guilty as charged. :) Sounds true enough to me.

[rosspark]

That's awesome. You are so very strong. I am waiting for my case manager to get back to me about a date to proceed with mine (I've been experiencing more and more dread as the period creeps closer). I have been trying to find another friend I was at St Edmunds Primary School with to corroborate things. I know June abused him terribly, but would not be surprised if he ended up in jail or took his life as it seems that is the lot for us dirty little secrets. And what happened to that "son" of June's Michael, the tall one who was talented with art? I bet he could confirm a lot of this.

[Ponder]

Hi rosspark and welcome to the forum:

I am very confused and my brain not working properly of late. I am also self absorbed in all that is going on so appoligise if I am am struggling taking in other peoples posts. Did I get the following right?

You also suffered at the children's home as well as looking for someone else whom also lived in the home with you?

1st ... I am srry you had to go through the nightmare place. Any child that was exposed to that place was in my book abused as soon as they walked through the front doors. No one's story is more or less than anothers. It was tragic for all involved from start to end.

I apologise rosspack, because I'm kind of back to square one and having a hard time processing this other event (Dr David Leary) & thus not able to go into detail re the New Life Centre / Quest Care. That said - I am still willing to do so if you so wish.

It all starts with my brothers death:
http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?24817-WARNING-Content-gt-Raw-Emotion-My-head-space-and-Check-List/page69&highlight=Warning+Emotional

I also apologize to others in here if they keep hearing me repeat the above, but then again ... people are welcome to skip the page (so to speak). This whole process of letting go is literally going to take years and depending on one's resolve, ongoing events ... the permanency of one's condition can make it that we'll never be understood.

Your right rosspack when allude to an ending that's aligned with being jailed or ending one's life. I have been informed of 3 outright suicides from that home not discounting my brothers passive suicide which he foretold to me. I myself have seen a number of suicides after that involving a trail of devastation. Some of them were very close connections I made on the road during my homeless years. I mean not to loose track but it all relates and speaking about it helps me to make sense of this world in a way that I can be more of help. The only reason I am still cling so hard is due to the time it takes in the real world ... or the time for legal processes and the complexities in that ... that keep many of us affected types coming back to where we would rather not. I thought I had dealt with a lot of shit ...

Hmmm ... that home was only the beginning for me. Again ... I am happy to discuss whatever ... but right now I also need to unload with a new case I never really addressed. I partially did in the above link and will be going to sift through to find what I can to get some of my thoughts a little more in line. BUT ... that HELL HOLE for us kids with Pastor Fullwood and June (a victim herself) takes the cake. Again not knowing if your one of the kids that came forward in my unraveling in the link above (a few joined this forum (just to touch re the home) or ended up contacting me via a FB page that my wife helped me make [now been pulled] I share that link above as no more than a means if your interesting in my own detailed sharings re that home.

Again ... not knowing if you've already seen it is all. I was there around 1982. This was me just before I landed in that home:
https://farm1.staticflickr.com/838/28312888127_aa18764804_n.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/K8UXez)

The chances you were one of the kids whilst I was there has to be pretty slim as I have already touched base with a few. None the less no matter when ... regardless of when ... anyone that suffered that place most certainly has something in common to say that least.
__________________________________________________ ____________________

Who ever you are ... THANKS for your response. :) My heart goes out to you and your friend. Your most welcome to feed back with me in here or use PM ... I am an open book so don't mind either way. Just not taking any phone calls this time around ... not meaning to imply anything your end. Just more meaning about where I am currently at. I'm not sure how much I get left in the tank.


My next story I really need to get out ... that's going to about about this man:
https://www.psychevisual.com/David_Leary.html
This man abused his position as well as us boys. :( The hypocrisy and irony exasperates the pain and the fact the investigating agencies used him to write a report to advise priests on how to behave in the future has me feeling suicidal all over again. : (

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1763/43182529861_31367036b8_m.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/28MTKEV)

I now go get dressed as about to enter into my 100th psychotherapy appointment. She is a nice lady that has helped me very much.

Back later to work on the next story and somehow relate it to working towards ... somehow ... all part of the letting go. Given the hypocrisy ... I don't think the process the government is working towards is anything new Just ... the only justice we are going to get is that which we give ourselves.

Nice to meet you rosspark ... again ... please feel free to keep talking about what ever.

Adios until next post.

PS - I will still write that book D --- just the needing a few years of processing ... this shit takes time and the story is very much still in play ... re the fucking iron to be seen for those who care to read in between the lines.

[Dahila]

yes , I know, just try to write it before I am gone so I can take it with me in my last journey, D. Keep strong, I know you have tough time right now, So do I , it seems to happen at the same time, I am with you D. sending the warmest thoughts. Keep strong my friend, a little bit longer

[Ponder]

I'm aware D ... I enjoy our chats. It will always be the case for us; or at least it seems. How we hold it is our choice - but that only works when we tell ourselves and are not told 'you chose.' Two different things in that. Much easier when receiving your warmest thoughts. I love your ending " ... a little bit longer" That was warmly received. :)

I also smiled heatedly when taking in your reading your words 'like' - Write it before I am dead. lol Again the story is unfolding ... BUT it always will. So YES ... I need to make a start if indeed I truly intend to write a book. You might be pleased to know the therapist gave me some good tips today. I will however write similarly to how I did when triggered in my other thread. I'll then wrap up this latest story and join it with chapters (or just write chapters) linking it all back up with the house of horrors.

Most important to me is underlying tone with focus towards some kind of end. The over all aim no doubt influence the lvl between descriptive engagement and deeper meanings. The big picture in relation to the pitfalls of healing and the process in which/ how victims are atypically seen - why we be the way we be. Why at times we fall victims to self but moreover how it is that the system repeats the abuse - ending up with the same old stories being relived ... experienced.

Right now though ... I just work on unpolished chapters and reconfigure later on.

I leave this for now ... think I'll just write a chapter in here ... re My Testimonial before the commission ... what went on ... how I felt and it's resulting impact on me. Much of the head slapping that followed for me was very much a part of that.
______________________________________

Thinking of you D --- I say that same to you ... Not much longer now. :) In the mean time ... we find what peace we can make for ourselves, in whatever way we need ... in our own way.

Thx D.

[Ponder]

I'm not sure I'll ever write a book D. Srry I keep passing wind on that fantasy. I'll just do what I do in here.

I best mow the lawn so I can later relax. Has been a while and the grass is stalking to get loud. Hope your resting up well enough.

[Ponder]

I thought you might appreciate this one D? I might be clasping at straws with the following. So struck was I, with a scene out of the sc-fi series 'Firnge' Season 3 Episode 19, that I decided to cut, upload and share in here.

1st Context to the Scene:
Spock - Lenard Nomoy (https://www.google.com.au/search?q=Fringe+Lenard+Nemo&rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&oq=Fringe+Lenard+Nemo&aqs=chrome..69i57.6338j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8) (not long before he died I presume) & John Noble (https://www.google.com.au/search?q=Fringe+Walter&rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&oq=Fringe+Walter&aqs=chrome..69i57.3418j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8) play two characters who have a very close endearing long term relationship. In this scene - the pair have go into a drug induced state (LSD) electronically hooked up to a work work colleague (https://www.google.com.au/search?rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&ei=d0w8W6ecE4P28QX-_5uIDA&q=fringe+olivia&oq=Fringe+Ol&gs_l=psy-ab.1.0.0l10.6776.6964.0.10208.2.2.0.0.0.0.200.200. 2-1.1.0....0...1.1.64.psy-ab..1.1.200....0.88GYEwMpdV8) (so to speak) where they end up inside her mind. The plan is to find this women - (soul owner of the body to which Spock possesses) Spock / William Bell - had taken over her body with his consciousness when he died saving them a couple of episodes back. The plan is to find Olivia who's consciousness is thought to be sleeping (but is really hiding due to threat of dying) where once found, attempts outside in the waking world, are being made to transfer Spock/William Bell - into an awaiting computer. Of course things did not go so well.

Anyways ... I the following scene really connected in some way with me. Perhaps not so much for others. I guess it depends where one is at. For me it seems to come at a good time. Essentially I am no in here to Entertain. This later revelation not only prompted by someone else's recent post looking for actors and entertainers in an Anxiety forum of all places ... but also from my own perplex pondering over how my therapist talked about writing from an entertaining aspect. Of course she means well ... I kind of changed to the term engaging. Acting and Entertaining in this world is - HMMMMMM mmmm well ... we have enough BS as it is.

I think the following is more about reaching that state of humility as we best know how ... despite that also being just as complex or elusive ... perhaps deceptive ... thinking in terms of EGO. Vanity and the such ... as far as amusing and entertainment go. Anyways ... I'm all sure we see things different and I respect it if others in here don't understand what I mean.

Here is the scene at any rate. If you have not watched Fringe ... I can highly recommend it as like I said ... a modern day X-file with perhaps ... Ironically ... just the right amount of entertainment. CHECKS & BALANCES no come to mind - It's all in the following Scene:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsYYvgXqpwc&feature=youtu.be

I really got to stop procrastinating and do my lawn. mmmmm ... Just one more episode I thinks. :)

[Ponder]

Not sure how long they will allow my post, but I have linked my thread on their Face Book Page.

https://www.facebook.com/pg/thecomeincentre/community/?ref=page_internal

I'm more than prepared to have a one off with the man himself.
__________________________________________________ ______

In the mean time I still got some processing to do. If any of your admin are reading this similar to what Quest Care did ... Understand I will be following through.


D, Sal, John or anyone else ... if you get a chance ... could you confirm if you see my post on their face book page? Linked above:
It should look something like the below pic ... you might have to scroll down depending on how long it's been:
https://farm1.staticflickr.com/918/29317395348_6000910454_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/LEFjeA)

Key Words -

Dr David Leary, Come In Youth Resource Centre
______________________________________

Note the edit I just did in the opening post of this page. That chapter soon to come. :(

[Ponder]

BRIEFING NOTE TO ROYAL COMMISSION INTO INSTITUTIONAL RESPONSES TO
CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

Dr David Leary OMF


I have been asked to prepare brief notes, for the purpose of evidence, on the “the formation of clergy
and religious, current practices in formation, and support for and supervision of working priests and
religious”. The core task is to focus on what every person needs, by way of formation experiences, if
they are to engage in person to person work, in this case pastoral work.
__________________________________________________ _______________________________________

I had previously informed the Royal Commission by way of email in the build up to my testimonial at the Royal Commission (Dr David Leary) back in 2016 about how he used his position to accommodate you homeless youth by way of offering up his bed. We'll get into the details of that soon enough. First I need to establish that I had informed the Royal commission of my story regarding Dr David Leary. The records they should have be way or received emails - Unfortunately I was consumed with the children's home then known to me as The New Life Centre (AKA Quest Care) that the David Leary episode was further 'embedded' - More deeply rooted. I was taking calls from other victims and extremely exhausted and overwhelmed by the time I had hit the front door of the Royal Commission.

Of course they can claim they do not have my emails and that I never brought David Leary Up during my so called Testifying. The truth is I was bamboozel and lead all the way during my quesitons as well as dismissing myself due to a number of factors I would like to discuss ... The fact is I have now been to the police, I know what happened and I WILL tell my story.

I will write up my version of how the these would be priests should act when engaging person to person. You don't offer homeless boys a place of refuge in your own home only to then show them you only have one bed. This the man the Royal Commission called upon to assist with their solutions. It's this Irony that drives many of us insane. If you could consider ... how victims would feel to fathom this. Truly. Try. Imagine you were taken advantage like so. Put into a position where you had to say no to a man who frequently gave up his bed to vulnerable youth?

This was all in my email to the Royal Commission!

Imagine receiving a Pay Out due to another religious figure / representative; Pastor Frank Fullwood. The Pay Out comes - but he still has a distinguished medal attached to his name where his family hold it and him in high regard as an outstanding member in our society. The medal/honor means more than human life. That is the extent of our value system which makes all those pay outs nothing more than blood money.

To actually use a child abuser in this nations so called response to child sexual abuse ... GO FUCKING FIGURE.
______________________________________________

So the next time you here the media say 'We the Australian People' - I say you ought to have a good think about how the status of those in high society is more important than the human rights you have been lead to beleive is being protected. We still have predators calling the shots.

https://www.childabuseroyalcommission.gov.au/sites/default/files/IND.0666.001.0001.pdf

How sad is that web address. I think feeling sad is better than angry though. My rage makes it hard to write in a way that has be heard. Still processing. I think next I need to find earlier mentions of David Leary when my brother died. Before I went to the commission. Unfortunately when the rage subsides ... passion wanes quickly as well ... double edge sword ... which is why I am still trying to ride the wave of the hypocrisy above.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Time for another break.

[Ponder]

BRIEFING NOTE TO ROYAL COMMISSION INTO INSTITUTIONAL RESPONSES TO
CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

Dr David Leary OMF

I have been asked to prepare brief notes, for the purpose of evidence, on the “the formation of clergy
and religious, current practices in formation, and support for and supervision of working priests and
religious”. The core task is to focus on what every person needs, by way of formation experiences, if
they are to engage in person to person work, in this case pastoral work. (https://www.childabuseroyalcommission.gov.au/sites/default/files/IND.0665.001.0001.pdf)
__________________________________________________ _______________________________________

I had previously informed the Royal Commission by way of email in the build up to my testimonial at the Royal Commission (Dr David Leary) back in 2016 about how he used his position to accommodate homeless youth by way of offering up his bed. We'll get into the details of that soon enough. First I need to establish that I had informed the Royal commission of my story regarding Dr David Leary. The records they should have be way of received emails - Unfortunately I was consumed with the children's home then known to me as The New Life Centre (AKA Quest Care) that the David Leary episode was further 'embedded' - More deeply rooted. I was taking calls from other victims and extremely exhausted and overwhelmed by the time I had hit the front door of the Royal Commission.

Of course they can claim they do not have my emails and that I never brought David Leary Up during my so called Testifying. The truth is I was bamboozled and lead all the way during my questions as well as dismissing myself due to a number of factors I would like to discuss ... The fact is I have now been to the police, I know what happened and I WILL tell my story.

I will write up my version of how the these would be priests should act when engaging person to person. You don't offer homeless boys a place of refuge in your own home only to then show them you only have one bed. This the man the Royal Commission called upon to assist with their solutions. It's this Irony that drives many of us insane; to a premature death. If you could consider ... how victims would feel to fathom this. Truly. Try. Imagine you were taken advantage like so. Put into a position where you had to say no ("imagine those that less able") to a man who frequently gave up his bed to vulnerable youth?

This was all in my email to the Royal Commission! (They did not raise the issue, but used me more like a witness regarding abuse in other matters - I was easily led which ... more affected then less able! → compared to when I was able to say no ... ← this being relevant to the extent of damage goods I now am ... the social compliance factor that still see many of us still being exploited) The being used like a witnessed leaving me to feel dismissed cut me deeply during the interview ... I pull up now in this edit phase is this is big stuff to the way many of us were again abuse during the royal commission ... it is part of the mental illness and truly cuts deep ... I was paralyzed with both fear and shame. :( )

Imagine receiving a Pay Out due to another religious figure / representative; Pastor Frank Fullwood. The Pay Out comes - but he still has a distinguished medal attached to his name where his family hold it and him in high regard as an outstanding member in our society. The medal/honor means more than human life. That is the extent of our value system which makes all those pay outs nothing more than blood money.

To actually use a child abuser in this nations so called response to child sexual abuse ... GO FUCKING FIGURE.
______________________________________________

So the next time you here the media say 'We the Australian People' - I say you ought to have a good think about how the status of those in high society is more important than the human rights you have been lead to beleive is being protected. We still have predators calling the shots.

https://www.childabuseroyalcommission.gov.au/sites/default/files/IND.0666.001.0001.pdf

How sad is the naming of that web address? Again ... go fucking figure! I think feeling sad is better than angry though so I work on dialing back down into despair from which I may be able to temper my words. My rage makes it hard to write in a way that can be heard. Still processing. I think next I need to find earlier mentions of David Leary when my brother died. Before I went to the commission. Unfortunately when the rage subsides ... passion wanes quickly as well ... double edge sword ... which is why I am still trying to ride the wave of the hypocrisy above.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Time for another break.

Do you think these people really believe in a GOD ... not a God of Just ... that's for sure. It would be a nice think to think there was a Just God ... but surely if such a figment existed and was attached in away to these establishments ... then surely it could only be termed as pure evil.

Righto ... enough is enough ... edits done. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[salvator here]

Not sure how long they will allow my post, but I have linked my thread on their Face Book Page.

https://www.facebook.com/pg/thecomeincentre/community/?ref=page_internal

I'm more than prepared to have a one off with the man himself.
__________________________________________________ ______

In the mean time I still got some processing to do. If any of your admin are reading this similar to what Quest Care did ... Understand I will be following through.


D, Sal, John or anyone else ... if you get a chance ... could you confirm if you see my post on their face book page? Linked above:
It should look something like the below pic ... you might have to scroll down depending on how long it's been:
https://farm1.staticflickr.com/918/29317395348_6000910454_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/LEFjeA)

Key Words -

Dr David Leary, Come In Youth Resource Centre
______________________________________

Note the edit I just did in the opening post of this page. That chapter soon to come. :(Yes, I did just read it on that FB page (without having to log in - just clicked on "show comments" and your comment was the first one with a pic of the predictor and child). I'll let you know later if it disappears later. Good luck with everything!!

[Ponder]

Thank you Sal. Please excuse me as I put my thoughts in order. I have just validated with the following with my posts confirming what I was doing in regards to David Leary and the commission. I DID email my concerns re David Leary and actually spoke with individual on the Royal commission phone line about the abuse I suffered. It comes out in the following posts that I just went through. I'm kind of even more pissed off right now ... Still ... when I get around to writing that chapter on what went down during my actually attendance I think this is where the commission will try to back out of responsibility. None the less ... I notified the commission before attending ... THEY WERE AWARE OF MY ALLEGATIONS. They simply ignored them and again ... only treated me as a witness ... more on that to come. I'm being careful to get my facts straight. That report the commission asked for Dr David Leary to write was written in 2017.

Please note that I was extremely emotional ... more than I am now ... it was only after I got the call about my brothers deaf. I hope to write somewhat in a more balance way this time around about the abuse. Obviously I still have a long way to go ... this I know. This is why I doubt my ability to write any kind of book. Anyways ... this is all part of the process in order to reach any kind of state that might be seen as more coherent. Most affected people have trouble just thinking about this shit let alone writing about it. Then of course there are those that don't want to read or know about it.

For those trying to read the image below ... best to click on it as the smaller txt will be clearer. This I will be attaching to my statement regarding the National Redress as too when I can find ... the emails I sent to the commission. I WILL FOLLOW THROUGH. Fucking Assholes using this man as a solution. GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR like WTF!
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___________________


https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1830/42289143315_a81947e238_o.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/42289143315/sizes/o/)

[rosspark]

I replied but it seems to have been quarantined!?

[Ponder]

Seriously ... How Dare They. I give myself more space before tackling that chapter on what took place at the Commission. That's a story that needs telling. Clearly they abused me and in doing so they actually validated Dr David Leary which is a major, and I mean MAJOR BLOW to society. Everything the commission stood for was undone in that one act. To call upon Dr David Leary to advise other clergy how to act.

I am absolutely devastated! So should others in power be. What kind of society do we really live in.

I need to beat this drum a little more and make more noise. It took a lot out of me regard the house of horrors but It helped to dislodge a lot of pain and admissions of guilt has been passed and validation about to be passed. I intend ... once I calm down and can present clearer ... I fully intend to approach some online journalist about the outcome the commission from a victims point of view, including the commission as part of that abuse.

Night night.

[Ponder]

I replied but it seems to have been quarantined!?

Replied In my thread? What do you mean quarantined?

Take note that your reply, I just quoted, made it through.

How about trying again ... but save your post in word. I mostly do ... just in case.

Whats Up?

Catch up in the morning ... Did you go to the commission?

[rosspark]

I tried again and got the following message again: "Thank you for posting! Your post will not be visible until a moderator has approved it for posting."

[Ponder]

I tried again and got the following message again: "Thank you for posting! Your post will not be visible until a moderator has approved it for posting."
Then one can only wonder how your last two posts are making it through. We don't have moderators here. We have get the accasional troll, but that's about it. If it was a post count related issue then then you might be using links. In that case make a post without using a link as the posts getting through have none in them.

Try posting to me one more time about how it's your posts are not working, BUT, also include what it is that you wish to discuss.

Again ... we can Express what ever the fuck we want in here and say it however we must.

HEY ... YOU FUCKING MODERATING MUZZLING CUNTS ... YOU FUCKING HEAR ME YOU CONTROL FREAKS!!!

With all due respect ... the issue of moderation is not the problem here. I am not saying I don't believe you ...

I'm working with the facts as I know them. Your other posts complaining about not being able to post are making it through just like most users who complain about the same thing.

So once again ... when making another complaint on this issue ... please include what you want to really say ... without any links.

In the mean time I will go meditate.

In this forum ... we learn to moderate ourselves.

[Ponder]

Just before I head off - allow me to apologize. I'm now I'm my keyboard and out of bed. It must be frustrating wishing to communicate only to feel your being muzzled. That is the story of my life. I don't want to do the same thing to you or anyone else. When I say your welcome in my space I mean it. If you have something to say, I want to hear it.

I did mention though that I am quite ill right now ... it seems you understand as your obviously reading me and still wishing to communicate. I am honored - In this world we could do me more people who are not afraid to speak in the face of fear.

Please ... Try posting again. For now don't use any links. Whilst you explain the details of how your posts are not working ... please include what it is that you want to say. From my last post and other outright raging one's it's clear this forum is a special one when it comes to being permitted to express as we must.
____________________

In the mean time don't be offended if I continue with my pain and suffering. I have no medications ... and although I am in a time I need crisis medication, it's not the kind of thing GPs are readily willing to help me with and I don't want to go and beg. I am on the verge of suicide as well as wishing to take the life of someone else. That is how I am feeling.

This is exactly how one individual only a few weeks ago end up stabbing a 5 year old to death. I could care less for making that an entertaining story. He tried calling out to the system. They knew his history and rejected him. He snapped. I'm not making those kind of threats - YET!!! although I did tell the police during my interview that I am capable of such things. Right now ... and I mean RIGHT FUCKING NOW ... I am again ... feeling suicidal as well as feeling the need to go take a life. These are FEELINGS ... not the type that's healthy to be stuck with. Better out than in! BUT - the effort and bureaucratic BS to go and actually utilize medication in a way that actually works for me in a situation that warrants it ... has me living in fear with the process of going to beg for it.

The system was have is Broken ... It don't work. It's not imperfect ... It's absolutely FUCKED. It protects the well equipped and keeps the broken people broken.
_______________________________

As a result of my current feelings and my struggle to receive help in maintain balance ... my brain cells are deteriorating at an alarming rate. This the impact - resultant from the system ... the process ... that was suppose to fucking help me. In this Dr David Leary is less of a target ... this is where authorities then become my target. This is when authorities end up shooting mentally deranged people.

This is how I woke up.
______

Now ... I must go meditate.

[rosspark]

Well, I tried again (no links and I didn't before either) and so you know the issue is real(not imagined) see the following attachment: 1889

[rosspark]

I would expect confusion and your brain not working to be a quite natural response from your body of having to process and reprocess the crap we have to, particularly with the Commission still being so present. So no apologies, hey!

[rosspark]

And yes, New Life Centre and it did indeed start on my first night through the door. I was not a "troubled kid", but rather June met my parents through St Edmund's Primary and when a family crisis arose she swung in to offer a space for me to be cared for while they had to sort out my older sister's issues. Were you there when Sean was there? The last I saw him was at Redbank, but he seemed to vanish off the face of the earth after that. Then there was Michael…

[rosspark]

And yes, New Life Centre and it did indeed start on my first night through the door. I was not a "troubled kid", but rather June met my parents through St Edmund's Primary and when a family crisis arose she swung in to offer a space for me to be cared for while they had to sort out my older sister's issues. Were you there when Sean was there? The last I saw him was at Redbank, but he seemed to vanish off the face of the earth after that. Then there was Michael…

[rosspark]

Sweet frelling God or whatever there is or isn’t that orders the universe, I have known pain. I think pain has become one of the most important sensations in my entire life. It’s pain that taught me that cruelty is an evil, evil blot on the human psyche. It’s pain that made me aware of how fragile people are, of how easily they can be warped merely by the prospect of it. Pain has made me weep and beg, beg while blubbering on my knees in the dirt, beg like a craven half-crazed beast to please, please, please make me feel no more of it. Pain has left me half-unconscious on the floor staring up at a poorly plastered ceiling, wishing it would crash down upon me and just make it stop. And pain, years and years of pain given to me like the only gift I was worthy of, made me untrusting for longer than I’d want to admit.

[rosspark]

Some nights, I can’t stop my memory from dredging the black, fetid glop of my life for the choicest bits of barbed wire. It likes to rake the coils of jagged, fanged metal across itself, it likes to excoriate us. I’m sorry.

[Ponder]

I did well today all things considered. After pacing backwards and forwards in the living room, I almost self admitted into the hospital + thought about ringing the police with the intention to be locked up. I knew better because I have done both of those in the past which usually requires extreme action before being considered. I struggled for an hour or so in that state where eventually my wife finally started talking to me about the process of what was taking place. Before that my wife was struggling to process herself. Went and did some gardening over at my daughters place whilst at the same time catching up with my grandson who has been missing me. After that I went to the new hang out place for special adults and took up my place. Briefly mentioned what I've been going though and almost cried again; just for being accepted for who I be. No need to pass any kind of test. More processing after that - tried to write some more but to no avail. I seem unable to construct in any type of order but then again it was not a total waste.
___________________________

The core of my pain over the years is coming to terms with the true nature of sexual abuse. How I allowed myself in the end after David Leary ... to dive right in. The shaming and blaming of myself. In all that yelling, cursing, rambling above, I never really told the story or contemplated what went on. All that slapping of my head in my mental breakdown where I repeat to myself "I was never sexually abused" ... I think that says it all. I care now care less for who's fault it was - yet I know it was just as much mine. Mr David Leary was wrong - now whether I was wrong or not ... I felt I had done something wrong. I'm amusing he is wrong from the point of view that he knew we were vulnerable kids. It has nothing to do about homosexuality. The latter only being an issue for me as was imprinted in me by my own upbringing and my history with the church. He probably did not know I would of been as impacted as negatively as I was; yet there was defiantly some kind of deception in the way I found myself in his bed. Let's just call it inadvertently. For all intent purposes David Leary appeared genuine enough to me. But here are the facts whether he touched me or not:

I came to Sydney and stayed at the Youth Refuge known to be part of the church. Just a couple of hundred meters down oxford st from the Come In Centre that David Leary Directed as a service to assist and enable us vulnerable kids. Although I already said it in my ramblings ... I'll some it up like this. I had already been beaten by another pastor associated with another church. I was exposed to sexual prevision, accused and ridiculed for sexual acts. I witnessed my siblings and other children being beaten and abused (on many fronts) day after day. I've been in a number of juvenile detention centres in Sydney and can tell you nothing compared to that. After the Children's home and before arriving in Sydney I was actually preyed upon by a man in Melbourne when I was 16. Pgs 89 and 91. I tried to be upstanding or defend myself during that episode, but in the end I was crushed. The ridicule on the tram ride back from that predators house cut deep. I can see now how certain traits about me made me ripe for the picking in more ways than on. 14 - 15 somewhere in there I had already slept in bus shelters west of Brisbane. Bedding down at 16 in a men's shelter in Melbourne ... well ... the amount of sleeping homeless between the cities ... Going backwards and forwards to a home that at the time had no room for me. It had been this way since 13.

The point is ... this is how vulnerable I was when I arrived in Sydney. I did try going back to the bush where I was sent off 1000's of kms north west into the desert ... but again ... although this time not preyed upon in a sexual manner ... the Cow Cocky treated me like a victim. Classic case of being vulnerable - also an element of being simple. Currently being looked into. Inherent traits but that's another story also being investigated and or diagnosed. Very hard considering all the related trauma. Fact is my therapist claims it only makes all those cowardice act so much worse.

Here's the thing ... Leary was supposedly trained in counseling vulnerable kids. That said ... Leary obviously had his own issues too. Him still reasonably in his prime, a strong advocate for gay rights ... me among many other prime pickings as vulnerable kids ... all of this would a recipe for temptation. Forgive me for taking so long to paint the picture ... but when you factor in how abused kids become prime targets - it's no wonder to see why this abuse was so rife.
_________________________________

Taking in the details via tick and flick without the history does this story no justice. This is why I feel like I am pissing in the wind when it comes to being questioned by authorities. None the less I am writing this because this last instance of being bedded in such a way ... after once more allowing trust to a man who's an expert in philosophy when dealing with us kids ... this betrayal ultimately lead me to giving in ... Within a year I was acting the role of male prostitution with other men to support my self medicating ways living on the streets. Irony would lead this man to visiting me in hospital where I was admitted for malnutrition, but more so to later write a dissertation on male prostitution and then finally be used decades later as an adviser for the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse. Sigh ... That's one hell of a story and I really wish I could do it justice. I am trying ... but no one seems to be listening. Did he touch you was the dismiss. Again ... why I slap myself so hard crying out "I was not sexually abused" I beg anyone reading this see between the lines. Again ... read once more the hypocrisy in all this. More irony is that is almost makes me want to get on my knees and ask why ... almost!

So once more with the details now that In my own words and my own capacity I have finally set the scene ... exactly how did I end up on Dr David Leary's Bed.

One moment please.

[Ponder]

Hey Rosspark ... just noticed you whilst I myself taking a break. Reading you now. Keep typing. I am listening.

[Ponder]

1stly – TY for the screen shot. You’re the 1st I have seen do that regarding that issue. It’s nice to finally see what I have found so hard to believe? Hmmmmmm … I am lost for words. Glad it seems to be working now.
I am feeling better now TY. I almost lost it this morning but have recovered thanks to a lot of support today. I am glad I have made the effort to keep some friends as too be known to some community groups. It helps in times like this.


New Life Centre hey … you know it by that term. I was there in 82. Yes, the name Sean does ring a bell but then so many kids went through there over the years. Some of the names sounds the same. My sister knows more name than I. Many of the kids have vanished I am sad to say. I will never get over that fact. No offence but I have done so much reflecting of the travesty of that horror house that I even feel sorry for June, Anne & Michael. I’m not sure what relationship you had with her kids, but they were very much feared when I was there. They wielded a lot of power and inadvertently abused us as well. Again though … I now do my best to see the whole thing as one unfortunate mess. They were indeed victims of the Pastor himself. I had no idea he was breeding like he was and that some of the kids were actually his.


I’m now reading about your expression of pain … If I may say – beautifully said. Thank you so much for sharing that. I was so hoping you might be able to do so.


I think differently to most ways of thinking. I accept that you are srry. So many times I just want to be allowed to be sorry. I feel it’s not quite natural not to feel that way when one has lived an entire life of sorrow. Like you said in one of your opening posts to me above the top of this page … it’s just a natural response. It’s OK to be srry - in a round about way.


Thank you for sharing you sorrow. I am so glad you did. I invite you to share as much as you like … anyway you wish. I was worried I might of lost connection with my outrage. It has been a huge boost for me to see another one of the kids touch base. That brings tears of hope. Thanks for the validation. Means heaps.


In your own time.

Your words on emotion ... speechless really. TY.

[Ponder]

Did He Touch You?
A Point of View that makes the Question More Painful


The details surrounding how I ended up in David Leary’s bed are simple enough. I was tired of sleeping in cardboard boxes, behind statues, on trains, in the subway and on park benches. I was at that time kicked out of the refuge. I took to the drink and drugs quite hard and thought I could tough it out in the streets as I had done on the rural roads in-between cities and towns.

One day I rocked up to the Come In Centre to find my Brother Danny and Sam shooting up heroin in a bessa block toilet just outside the main entrance to the centre. I think Danny was still in the refuge at that point. If not the one down the road, some other place. He was 15 then … to years younger than I. Either he could see I was doing it tough or I was sourcing info on where there might be a door open for the night. It was not on uncommon topic when money was dry. Danny eventually tells me how David Leary lets boys stay at his place. Other than the fact he alludes to the secrecy in it he assures me it’s all innocent. In some ways looking back, It kind of feels like when he was defending the gay kid back in the home when he was 11.

That’s the essence of how I found out, about David Leary opening his house - for ‘some’ of the kids. I’m not going to remember every word and its BS to expect that I would. I knew enough that when I approach David Leary on the subject that you did not do it without discretion. He had talked with me many times before this point. He seemed to be interested in me always asking me lots of questions and encouraging me on many fronts. In that regard and at that point I thought of him as a genuine kind man. I had up to that point opened up to him … over time. So it was that I took a chance not knowing what to expect and during one of our cubical chats I asked if I could stay at his place. I remember it was important that I accepted that it was my decision – I don’t recall knowing at that point if it was only one bed. I thought he was talking about that it was my consent to stay at his house … although he did go on about not being able to tell anyone because it would mean his job. I also felt It would mean I could no longer frequent the come in centre which was a big deal to me. Not being able to stay at the refuge and like I said, I was just desperate for a place to sleep … having the come in centre to help me rest during the day was very important to me. Basically two points I remember well. 1. That is was my consent. 2. That I could tell no one.

Now whilst my brother told me about ‘boys’ staying at ‘Leary’s’ I don’t recall him telling me it was only one bed. This is why when I arrive at David Leary’s (I don’t remember how I got there either? I mostly remember the bed.) I used to just sit around drugged out during the day (more heavily so after that point) like many other kids (around 1986-87 when Kings Cross was regarded as dirty and male prostitution was blatant) … Just like the youth refuge I was eventually asked to leave that place more than once – BUT … what matters is this, before it got to that stage and my trust yet again broke:

I remember his home having wooden floors (I could be wrong but it seems to stick) – If I was to guess I would say we walked up some stairs. The place did not have much furniture. Regardless of what he might claim today - of one bed - I remember well looking intently for where it was that I was supposed to sleep. Guess what – only one bed!

I had that feeling of ‘WTF’ Snow balled I was … Yea Yea … whatever the conflict I had already been down this road of betrayal re the Asian man back in Melbourne when 16. Given Mr Leary and I actually had some kind of relationship. SIGH … In a sense looking back I could almost say given the nature of his position and my brothers revelation … my vulnerability given my history. Fuck it! What the fuck ever. I am tired … I awkwardly undress leaving my jocks on. I can’t remember whether he was fully naked … I was too rigid looking anywhere but at him. I was both angry and upset.

Did he touch me is the question from authorities? That question angers me so much. I did not need hindsight to know I was fucking betrayed – yet whilst angry, I felt more ashamed. I remember the deal we made. Did he proposition me? Of course he did. I can’t recall what was said, but I know I had to deny him. It was not as easy as the last time I threatened the man back in Melbourne when I felt threatened … this was different.

It’s important to note the grooming aspect that was going on (Past and Present Inadvertent or Not) here. That rapport we had, up till then. Sigh. I actually felt like I was turning him down as if I was the guilty one. Yet – I still felt way out of my league with what was really going on.

Adding to all this I was also conflicted from a spiritual point of view – more so an ideology that was drummed into me, through Sunday school and sermons preached every week as was my upbringing before and after landing at the Children’s Home (I tried turning back to God whilst homeless on the long stretches roads) and then at most of the foster homes church related + a school called ACE (ace accelerated Christian education) where God’s ways and rules was paddled into me. One foster father use to do the same then hug me.
Being flogged then hug ... I ponder the predisposition and vulnerability that comes from that?

The reason Dr David Leary did not Touch me is because I did not let him – BUT to be put in that position to deny him like so … to of been worked on previously in such a fashion through all those one and one’s … his position being what it was in an environment where he was entrusted like so – THE SYSTEM – THE COMMISSION AND OTHERS LIKE THEM DARE TO ASK ME … DID HE TOUCH ME. : (

I am so srry if that question paralyses me. Allow me to cut and paste and add a little … this is the gist of what was going through my head when being dismissed the way I was … being used as no more than a witness at the commission:

Allowing trust to a man who's an expert in philosophy when dealing with us kids ... this betrayal ultimately lead me to giving in ... Within the year I was acting the role of male prostitution with other men - to support my self-medicating ways - living on the streets. Irony would lead this man to visiting me in hospital where I was admitted for malnutrition, but more so to later write a dissertation on male prostitution and then finally be used decades later as an adviser for the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse:
https://www.childabuseroyalcommission.gov.au/sites/default/files/IND.0665.001.0001.pdf

____________________________

Time to take a break and think more about the issue of why many of us felt so betrayed … not just by those grooming and those abusing … but often also by ourselves. The latter being the guilt and shame that drove many of us into silence, (many inevitable to premature death - my brother included) whilst many of us worked the wall … Unbeknownst to our closest friends - For many of us it was a dirty, shameful & disgraceful secret that has plagued us for most of our lives and once revealed for those strong enough to speak out; takes many more years to deal with. I ponder on that fact some more.

Note* During all the council I had previous with Mr Leary and given that my brother had already taking up residence before I arrived in Sydney - Given the nature of his job and his experience, I don't doubt for a minute he had knowledge to our history regarding the children's home in which we were previously placed. We would of made good cases not to mention in some way - prime targets for the events that led Dr David Leary OMF to act out on his whims.






Reason for editing - Context where it matters. Objective Reflection. Finally ... this is what I wanted to say ... but did not ... more on that with the chapter re the commission.

[Ponder]

Now I feel better about making my video public. It details a little more on the first children's home I was placed in - but when I keep slapping myself in the head - think in terms of my story above. I also did suffer sexual abuse in the New Life Centre. My wife and I have delivered the essence in how many children where exposed like so despite the tick and flick approach. There is a huge stigma regarding the value placed on sexual abuse I care less to go into right now because I don't want to appear insensitive myself.

More info in the description: "That's Not Sexual Abuse!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMCzQDFnvJY

I think the energy is good to keep this story going from here. I doubt many people care to watch the passion, the brutality that I exude in this video here ... but I am using it to fuel my way into what must come next. The true impact all that grooming, those betrayals and evil acts had is way beyond the scope of the bones they are currently throwing.

The best these money handlers can come up with is a few phone numbers for your local charity crisis line, whilst the big wigs sit back as if case solved ... having the the likes of David Leary as once of their advisers. Whilst they have dismissed me and validated Mr Leary's Whims ... I feel such an outcome justifies my reaction in above vid.

Still Processing...

Where to next ... The Impact?

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___________
In the end ... They used a child abuser Dr David Leary OMF to advise them. The one that betrayed me. It's not just imperfect system; it's completely broken. Not discounting Pastor Frank Fullwood still having his accolade ... Order of Australia. Don't be fooled by these puppets!
https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1761/29344488788_d6fa14ef39_o.jpg

[Ponder]

Behind Closed Doors - My Private Session with The Royal Commission:
How I was Disabled & Unable to Tell My Story



How I dismissed myself & why I shut down when it came to Dr David Leary O (http://ytu.edu.au/david-leary-ofm/)FM

__________________________________________________ ______



Too focused on the New Life Centre (Quest Care & Exhausted) + Declined Counseling:
I was counseling myself as well as others, focusing primarily on the New Life Centre (Quest Care) and despite having emailed, phoned, discussed + my mother and sister going to police which I had not. ( ... but now have since finding out Dr David Leary OFM was used as an Adviser, to the Royal Commission Into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse) Despite my mother and sister raising their concerns and informing authorities including the commission re my ramblings of Dr David Leary OFM; I simply did not have the stamina, resilience, ability, competence & more over ... the confidence, to confront the finer details of Dr Leary. I declined counseling. I thought I had it all together but the reality was I was exhausted from fine combing the abuse at the New Life Centre. I tried to and wanted to have the Issue of Dr David Lear OFM brought out in the open. "I was not afforded the required space in which 'I needed' to express." Frustrated in this that by the time we got to Dr David Leary, I simply gave up and said 'I did not care!' (or something to that effect) This my wife assures me I said ... and now I have to admit knowing myself it's not unlike me to give up in such a manner when confronted like so. I tend go to extremes. Inside me it's more a case of like 'What the fuck ever, whilst on the outside I give in ever so compliantly. It's a classic symptom & trait + predisposition of the following:
__________________________________________________ ______________

Institutionalized Social Compliance / Fear Based Automated Responses.
This is complex - relates to the core in which I was extremely overwhelmed from an institutional point of view. I've not only been abused by the church but have had to endure secondary abuse via law enforcement and systematic responses on various levels which is part and parcel of long term fragmented institutionalization.

Validated chronic abuse at the New life center, then passed on to various Forester Carers (Church Related - Many Heavily Brainwashing Denominations), lived in and registered at a number of Youth Refuges, Drop In Centers, attended many Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation Centers (Both Secular and Religious but similarly Rigid and Dogmatic) , Constant Police Intervention/Arrests with numerous Lock Ups, with as many Court Appearances, Two Juvenile Detention Centers (Yasmar being one and the other I care less to remember), Adult Prisons (Bogo Road Goal -Now a tourist attraction + Goulburn Gaol) with many Homeless Shelters in between across various cites (Brisbane, Sydney & Melbourne) combined with living years on the street. I was so accustomed to being 'processed' by the system that I would often walk into police stations asking to be locked up ahead of time. During this period I was on occasion escorted to various hospitals by police with maybe one or two self admission for mental illness. I can't yet recall all the names and places due to numerous events, aliases / previous names and the episodic nature within the scope of endured secondary abuse suffered through the system.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____________________________________

Extended: Fits in else where.
Transitional Housing equates to 30+ residential addresses over the last 27 years (22y/o - 49y/o) since meeting my wife; a number of those classified as crisis housing. The number of placements between housing and detentions before my wife, would be closer to 40 spread over 9 years. (13y/o - 22y/o) From ages to 0 - 7 ... I remember next to nothing. From 7 - 13 it's extremely spasmodic; Systemic & Transitional History/

The age range between 13 & 19 covers the more institutionalized portion of my life, with other segments being unstable. 2007 (age 38 I began to take ownership of my life. I continue to have ups and downs until 2012. It was at this point a petrol can and rope episode at a local employment office led me to being pensioned off. - 2014 My Brother Dies / Ripples Take Place. Living in rent within a country that knows only 6 to 12 month leases continues to see us live the transitional life, but pleased to say we do so willingly. My wife and I are unable to live in government housing due the nature in which they are managed and my disability.

(Important to *Note - On a DSP with ongoing PTS 'tethering on disorder' is being currently supported ... although continues to be exacerbated due to ongoing investigations and current findings.)
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____________________________________________

___

Now we can move on:
__________________

My Private Session: They tried to soften the blow ... but for me such places will always reek of authority. It's an ingrained response ... (Deemed unlikely to remit, long standing & life long) Re above:

The all expenses paid air fares, accommodation, meals and array of gourmet treats + refreshments did little to alleviate my extreme anxiety. I again denied the offer for counseling as was offered at ever step of the way. No offense but it was all a bit too thick. I only trusted the therapists that knew me and was suspect of the whole affair. I did my best to show gratitude but was bouncing between feelings of overwhelming acceptance to suspicion. Despite my distrust I did sense a genuine attempt by the lady who looked after us up until it was our turn to be heard. That said I personally felt abandoned when she left us to walk into the court like room.

Instantly as I walked into that room, all the traits as identified by the clinical report that was used to warrant my disability pension - where now at level ten! Especially now that we were behind 'Closed Doors.' edit → As I now keep repeating, approximately 2 years later they contacted one of the accused and asked him to be a part of the solution. My intuition was bang on with respect to how fallible this system be. Not saying it was on purpose, but more presenting an extreme example of what happens due to miscommunication/misrepresentation - as clearly what happened to me.

UNDERSTANDING THE ROAD BLOCKS:
I have since brought this to the attention of the authorities and still, they will not listen. Typically the systems ignores people it deems to be, unrepresented, uneducated and still affected. When you make enough noise to warrant attention you'll be passed onto counselors and if your lucky enough to get through ... you'll be asked insulting questions designed to complicate and conflict your position. Ever notice how little effort is made when posing such questions? ... 'What is it that you want us to do?' Yes it's important to have some kind of idea - The context here is how often this question is used as a calling card - more like a road block - how often do they provide you options when asking this question? Fact is in most cases they should be answering to you. Nothing like posing questions in order to avoid the one's they are given. This is more a technique used to shift responsibility. Understanding this dynamic helps to see the system for what it is. More over for those willing to push on, how to Not end up wasting time with BS mediation and or ongoing tactics meant to ware you down. AKA damage control. Stall with ongoing complicated challenging procedures that place enduring victims under more pressure where in the end 99% simply give up.

It helps to understand the process.


Need more time ...
_________________________________________


Intro / Body / Conclusion & Summary

This will be edited over the next 24 / 48 hours, as is how I did before when dealing in my initial thread. Back to one post a day. Simmering down but need to follow through despite point of exhaustion.

[Ponder]

Don't forget the last edit highlighted in red above. That hits the nail on the head re my inability to communicate under duress with all things considered.

FACT - Even when during long periods of stability , when taking appropriate support measures, (too many to list here) on track with routine, combined with making healthy lifestyle choices; its been noted I still have difficulty with processing. Investigation over time during these periods of stability with psychologist have now lead to a referral to an appropriate Psychiatrist to investigate Adult ASD (https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/autism-spectrum-disorder-and-adults). This has been a long drawn out process as quite difficult to diagnose due to the extensive trauma I have suffered throughout my life. A lot of identifications with various traits such as bed wetting, wetting my pants at school, dyslexia, learning difficulties, missing social ques and much more where normal for me. Unfortunately there was an episode where a teacher once grabbed the back my head by the hair and repeatedly drove my forehead into my table. I was about 8-9 maybe 10 years old at this time. (I've told that story more than once) Discipline back in the 70s was not as regulated as it is today, however it's not uncommon for kids with developmental issues to become targeted by abusers 'at all levels' within the school. The latter a polite way of saying I was kind of targeted by some mean teachers. It was something I learned to deal with. Despite these issues I refuse to allow this abuse be used against me with regards to behavioral issues before the age of 13. I stand my ground by saying I was not a troubled kid before entering the New Life Centre.

Some where in the thousands of post I have made here I talk about my resilience in my primary school years. People who target mentally challenged kids do so because they are cowards; nothing but bullies. ← Better said - have issues of their own aka acting out. ANYWAYYYS - going back to my long winded ways despite the wall of text I wrote today. None the less all those edits have helped paved the way for submissions and complaints yet to come. Most of all - it's been a good bit of objectivity and in many respects good for healing.

The whole point of acknowledging the process of current DXing in relation to communication issues regardless of label, is that whatever way you look at it ... the permanency of my condition points to other issues with respect communication issues. (Brain Damage) This is very relevant to the way I was myself restricted when it comes to my claims of not being able to tell my story at the Royal Commission Regardless of Who's Fault it was or was not. My Issue it trying to put all this in more concise words. SIGH ...

SO NOW TAKE THIS REVELATION (Current process of DX) and put it into context with latest edit → "I was not afforded the required space in which 'I needed' to express." again regardless of blame ... and I might actually have a good point. I know I do, but trying to convince the big wigs ... yea yea. I have a good feeling those reading at least understand well enough in here. That's why I fucking LOVE this place. It's the only place in the world that affords me space where I feel safe and thus can make the required effort. THANK YOU Anxiety Forum . net ... Touch Wood!
__________________________________________________ _______________


Other elements that come into play with aforementioned overwhelming & unprocessed feelings, (Due to previously mentioned reasons - namely too focused on one establishment Vs the other and all the work I had put into that) [Good luck linking all that and this into one sentence] - Is the self destructive nature we fall into when we feel we are not being understood. I think of my four year old grandson here who is diagnosed with autism. He is such a beautiful kid. I love him to bits. The best way to communicate with him is with love and compassion ... not authority and a harsh tone. (Granted my perception comes with a predisposition at the best of times ... still ... I would do well to set the scene in terms of reality as it was a rather stark looking room with an expanse between questioner and testifier that made one feel very very small.)

You know ... apart from all this inability of mine ... - They really ought of have trained people in communicating with affected individuals like ourselves. you don't have to have autistic traits to have trouble communicating from a position of sexual abuse. (The setting was way too formal as too was the tone) The simple fact is that I was NOT guided appropriately to accommodate my needs. It's not uncommon for most services dealing with mentally affected people these day's to work according to an individuals needs. It's actually common practice. This the Royal Commission failed many of us. I know it might be a bit much to expect when the importance is also having people with judging skills. (I will pay that - I'm just trying to make a valid point) Whilst my wife has been playing Devils Advocate (which was hard for me to accept in the beginning but I now appreciate) in processing our approach in response to why we had not pushed the issue with Dr Dave Leary OFM; she too agrees that the style of questioning did not allow me the right kind of space - to tell my story the only way I could.

HMMMM --- I seem to be making ground on the issues I faced ... I take a quick break. I now identify another issue that I was plagued with ... this next one was a massive stumbling clock for me and really had me tripping over myself. I refer to the text highlight in GREEN. Here I felt I was being use nothing more than a witness - that my own suffering was being dismissed. This combined with the limitations already mentioned had me shaking to my very core whilst doing my best to anchor my gaze with the note taker whom seemed rather compassionate to my then present state. Yea ... I best take a few minutes to process this next feelings of complete dismissal. It take me back to the video what I slap myself - "I didn't suffer sexual abuse!!!"

Back shortly. Excuse the poor grammar ... need the break.
__________________________________________________ __

I don't know ... feeling exhausted once more. You see this is where I can feel the dynamics of social compliance comes in. There is the automated kind and then there is the emotional kind. Although you may take the time to be mindful, unlike an automatic reaction, the emotional kind is like when someone gives you a little validation or an ounce of respect - you get all gooyee and next thing you know your just going along with them or if your scared to say something you quickly say something the total opposite to what you really want. It's like your under some kind of spell. I think it stems from a life of rejection, having to fight so hard ... and falls into the dynamic of overly needy. Nothing wrong with people needing each other .. but more talking about the disabling kind.

Well my friends I suffer with that a LOT! Yet another great point to which disabled me. It does come into one of the areas that many of us like minded folk are easily led.

The thing to consider (hopefully I can later highlight and list them closer together within a coherent context) is that many of these disabling traits tend to trigger and compound the other.

I can only add I did not feel supported when it counted. They had all the trimming either side of the session - but behind closed doors ... I was treated more like a witness and felt like I was led - despite my self sabotage in the end. That's how it was for me and why I never really got my story out. In fact - the commission did not get the true extend of my suffering even in the New Life Centre - They were not listening nor gave me the space I required ... but they were quick to leading me into events I had not mentioned. (Edit ... did not involve me)

I repeat - This combined with the limitations already mentioned had me shaking to my very core whilst doing my best to anchor my gaze with the note taker whom seemed rather compassionate to my then present state. I had somehow convinced myself that she was not happy with the situation I was caught up in. I felt hopeless despite my eager compliance, and then I cut myself short by dismissing myself in the end.

[Ponder]

I'd say goal achieved. That took quite an effort. I finally told the Leary story. Better late than never. Well Done Dave.

Feeling just a wee bit exposed for now ... but that's OK.


__________________________________________________

https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1804/42333799185_2bb85a2fa0_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/27uTMBp)
------- Thanks for the blessing ------------

[Dahila]

Hi D every small stop is important,
I have good news about me, must be checked once a year but it is nothing dangerous. Wanted to tell you that. I am glad you could tell the story about this asshole

[Ponder]

That's great news D.

Unfortunately for me, I might be going back on medication. I wish I had better news to relay. Best I can do is try to stay positive, but then you know how I feel about that kind pretentious act. At least concerning myself in these times. Perhaps for now it's more about finding the light through the cracks. Although right now - I feel like I am in a very deep, dark and despairingly empty hole. Is part of my journey. The crack is, what it is - and the light is? ... well ... I'm working on that.

I see if I can stop posting for a couple of days. I have not slept properly since finding out about what the Royal Commission has seemingly done to me. I don't expect they would understand me terming it like that. For all the pain I am feeling right now, and regardless of the things I have said and done - it's ironic that something in me is saying the this Dr David Leary OFM is not so much an asshole as compared to the very system that employees, allows and creates the suffering and travesty that they/it claim to 'address'. In this light - The National Redress (https://www.dss.gov.au/national-redress-scheme-for-people-who-have-experienced-institutional-child-sexual-abuse) will be my last attempt to notify, request or respond when society makes claims or requests of me. In the mean time I am taking steps to write more form a healing perspective without expectations of any kind. That's a processes of a different kind. Slowly but surely I feel I near an end where I will be soon able write like so. To write within the scope of my current abilities which focuses more on my strengths. I will not (edit - allow) the system to keep me pegged.

As I have been trying to say for some time. I have been trapped in a system that requires me and others to focus more on how broken we are. It's another form of 'proof of debt' that I am going through with all these claims re abuse. The similarities of this unending process to proving one's worth, whether making compensation claims or access supports to address the impact of abuse result in the same negative effect. A constant focus on limitations with no outlook towards what works. In this we people remain sick, the doors keep revolving, government keeps funding and services keep turning.

Is it any wonder I gave up my role as mental health community advisory rep after seeing said principles being delivered at the mental health seminar (Sydney Flourish Australia) I recently attended. Is it any wonder they showed me the door after I attempted to object. This self manufacturing mentality I beleive will never change which makes me question my approach in how and what I should write. I still many miles to go. I must endure this current episode ... another 6 months to two years I am told.

let's hope I can get back up, that I may start drawing from my experiences in a way that offers hope. HOPE being something I am starting to respect - now placing less judgment on it than I previously did.


For now I must ride it out:

I am hearing noises like from miles away where I'm wondering if they even exist, the ringing in my ears is now extreme, my hormone lvls are all screwed, hands faintly shaking with long moments of emotional less staring. Last night I was walking around my block at 2am in this state just wishing I could sleep. I'm not sure I should stop writing, but I think I will do it off line and then come back and post what I think is best. Perhaps an unpunished blog. It's understandable that much of what I write is may be too much to take in. Especially in a place where others are struggling as well.

I see the psychiatrist the day after tomorrow - but kind of beating myself up as this stuff seems like it's just getting in the way of our (mine and therapist's) original agreement - to that that which I was originally refereed. It had nothing to do with all this mess. Sounds like a good reason to come to grips ... so as not to taint processes within that. Yea ... this edit a positive one. Sometimes it's good to lose control but in this sense I do need to keep focused. Fuck the meds ... I can do this. No offense.

You know how (for me) I have a hard time on meds (do a full circle ending up worse), that I now find myself thinking about going back on them. Not to worry ... 'I can do this!"




Ernest Hemingway said, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
__________________________



Thanks for the Good News D.

I'll check FB later on or in between.

[rosspark]

YW. It appears to have been word count, yet I note your posts are sometimes longer.

Glad you got through the day.

Sean was there from 84 IIRC. I also had to interact with Michael external to NLC and he was a completely different person, child-like, like Michael Jackson. Wonder where he ended up? Fashion design as he was a talented artist? Or school teacher as that would not surprise me and if so, then also targeting boys?

Was Fullwood also a victim, as I was copping it from Twomey at SEC during the day, and then in the evening when returning to NLC so it was occurring day and night and on reflection you could tell with him it was a learned behaviour. Twomey only got charged a couple of decades later by teens for instances in the early nineties but he was grooming many of us as soon as we turned up at the Primary School from the age of 8. He raped me.

[Ponder]

I'm definitely feeling compelled despite my claims and aims to refrain from winding myself up anymore than I already am. My attempt to keep myself at bay has helped me get some much needed rest as well as decrease the intense anxiety as expressed in my last post.

Having submitted two explosive, volatile, reactionary complaints with the link to my emotionally raw expressive video, I'm now working on a formal complaint that for all intent purposes should warrant a reply. One would hope. It's true there are a lot of undesirable traits reflected in me that stem from my past and whilst they be key to why I am so often misread and typically dismissed, I also have a history of exposing the truth that gets results. In many ways most people don't see it coming because of how quick they are to judge me. There is a reason my wife and I are nearing three decades of sticking it out through thick and thin. I owe my wife SO much that words fail me. I know she still sees that something special inside of me despite the lack of intimacy. I would do well to work on that spark. Truth be told I think she admires more than she lets on the way I continue to work on my stability - despite what others often label as my eccentricity. She is not the touchy feely type I would love her to be, but the resilience she has awes me. That said I often feel guilty that she's been tempered overwhelmingly so as a result of being with me. Even more so since being struck with a debilitating disease.

Indeed ... we have been through thick and thin and endured many battles. She really is amazing. People just don't understand how much work we really do in the community. It's time like this I need to remind myself of that. I think it's time we start planning for a weekend away without running after the kids or doing anything else for anyone else. I'll plan that maybe for September. Somewhere cheap. Might take advantage of subsidized train tickets this time. We talked about that a whiles back and agreed that might easier than driving. We'll be each others support workers. : ) As it should be.

Hope your still feeling relieved D.

Now time to chip away at that complaint - having kissed Lisa's ass - I'm sure it'l be a good one. hehe. I can handle the amount of text that gets wiped from my attempts but we do do well together, as we reason why this or that. Lisa is the one that found the paper articles, websites and so on re the children's home. I think she was a private investigator in a previous life. We are now getting some more background on this latest issue, however it's a little more complicated given the influence of those making the mistakes.

I'm glad you and the others were a part of that - bringing down that Children's Home the way we did. Once we let rip with that, collected the evidence, and kept chipping away like there was no end ... it was awesome to see all those other kids coming forward the way they did. That admin worker that tried to reach out in the forum ... but understandably I misread her intent and yelled and screamed. In the end she was trying to help ... she was disgusted with the revelations that came out the way they did and pretty much resigned her position and it was not long after that, that the corporation sold out as quick as they did. The submission containing my proof of debt really nails the abuse on all fronts in a much clearer way than I was able to express at the commission. Not going to repeat the communication issues on that - Lisa has a good frame work to draw from with the effort I made over the last couple of days.

I get the healing with my walls of text ... I do my best to tidy it up with repeated edits ... highlight some as I do. I'll probably make reduce once more by working around those key points. Then Lisa can do her magic. You'll might be pleased to know I am actually working on memoirs now. I think for you though it will all sound very repeated - however it should flow much better and I won't post any more until I have at least something that looks like a collection.

I have more learning to do with how one writes, but to be fair - I really don't want to waste too much time on that. The best I can do is to learn the basics of structure within memoir writing and then link those in whatever order. Whatever form it comes in will be better than none. As long as I can foster this current desire and keep it up ... I'm sure I'll get it done way before you kick the bucket.

Having said that ... I best keep chipping away with the formal complaint. Although I think we just treat it as policy and procedure - I'm counting on the usual dismissal as my heart is now fully invested for the following story.
__________________________________________________

Just to conclude that invested interest is also aimed towards no more investing and no more stories.

Not something a writer wants to hear. Luck for me I actually enjoy writing works, that have no story.

Yea yea ... I posted again. It was an easy post and I'm feeling all the more better for it.

At least I'm back to gelling now.

All's good.

looking forward to the Psych visit and think I might of just made it back to no more meds. Phew ... that said, my routine has a LOT of work to do.

Adios ... until next post. (as to be expected)

[Ponder]

Hi Rosspark,
Timing of our posts crossed over. I can take up to 30 or 60 minutes despite my repeated edits before I hit enter. This is how I missed yours.

I will read but have to reply in the morning. Otherwise my response would not do yours justice.

Glad to see you back again. Look forward to replying in the morning.

[Dahila]

jeez you can not stop now, it would be easier just quit but not , not you. I do believe you get your balance. Medication HM could you try without it for a moment, maybe something I take like smallest dose of clonazepam to take the edge off, I am relieved, Now I can go and shop for new computer, I really need it,
D. to survive what you and Lisa survived you must be complete each other, There is not relationship that is perfect and fulfill our expectation. I think she loves you as much as you do.
You know that I have some tough times in my relationship , but still we are together and it gets better with time. :) when you feel like chatting get me on FB anytime, you need it , anytime

[Ponder]

NEW LIFE CENTER, QUEST CARE - #Pastor Frank Fullwood.
Additional 'Rehashed' Reflection for the future Welling:
__________________________________________________ _____________

OK ... I'm wake.

I smile to think of word count rosspark. Out of my thousands of posts, I'm often amused at how most of mine are typically a forum page long. I'm genuinely pleased to see you pop in again. Hope this finds you as well as can be all things considered.

The only thing I remember re what happened to Michael (re information during the whistle blowing period) is something about America. For the most part, your summery with regards to Michael seems to fit from what I witnessed and experienced. It's challenging and perplexing to reflect on how such innocence could yet instill fear in those much older (relativity speaking). The term minions (expressed by another who came forward in previous thread) when reflecting on both Michael, and what I beleive is to be his (half/adopted - guessing more adopted but not necessarily so as the difference between my half brother & I; boggles most [have since identified his father - that being a subject of intrigue that plays into my brother's disillusionment and suffering]) - sister → (byproduct of Pastor Frank Fullwood as she believed [fessed to me] + genetic reflection being extremely similar - June her mother also being abuse by the pastor - 1+1 = ? ) seem appropriate for me.

Forgive the bracketed commentary - but for me is the only way I can include relevant information from my point of view; without writing a book. Memior on this one I can't wait to complete. So much evidence I have collected from which to draw from. At lest in a way that is undisputed from those that suffered. No legal bombastic BS that's designed to cover up.
_________________________

Processing - I'm still taking in the final word of your last post. :(
__________

The prevalence of sexual abuse and possibility of incest arising from that is hard to fathom with just how sick #Pastor Frank Fullwood could of really been or indeed was. My wife makes a good point that it might of been in Pastor Frank Fullwood 's best interests to restrain from incenstral sex to keep up the illusion of his Pastoral Appearance to the community with respect to his Wife. More meaning he could only do so much without blowing his cover. How his wife could not of known (at least later on) is questionable given the evidence that started coming forward during the 90's which led to June Wriggly's untimely death /suicide. Note* June herself being previously admitted to a psych-ward later becoming Frank's project and ultimately put in charge of us kids.

June wanted to come out of the closest and encouraged other victims during that attempt but was silenced by the Fullwood's Family who still wishes to deny the abuse. From my dealings they cling to his accolade 'The Order of Australia' as their evidence of him being such a highly esteemed member of Society. Sadly this accolade still stands : (

There's more to the story. During the time my wife helped create the Victims of New Life Centre Face Book Page - (which sadly I deleted) one of the Pastor Frank Fullwood 's Sons → X wife came forward and admitted to my wife that she knew more about the abuse.


_____________________________________________ My reflection Process? _______________________________
edit ... Its not so easy to filter the obscurity from so many perspectives / bias. I am doing my best to be careful with embellishing. The latter I do not like when it comes to descriptive writing although when dealing with subjective matter from my own personal experience I understand the importance of using the senses in order to connect with unresolved feelings. Yet in that I don't gell well with overly descriptive musings. It starts to smell like BS to me ... or written by people who don't understand what true suffering is. I much prefer to hear from those that struggle with communicating. No doubt I am bias ... with my skepticism and distrust of almost everything. I get it that some people remember more than others and this does not mean they suffered any less ... I just don't like the way people sell books in a world full of so much BS.

I get frustrate at how much I don't remember - Example ... struggling to remember if it was Pastor Fullwood or his henchmen that did the bashings or how many times I was hit. It's interesting in the reflection all the same and processing the difficulty as to the whys people can become so fragmented. I was so intimidated through the whole process regardless of my attempts to resist. I can see clearer now ... how things unraveled ... the more I reflect on the paralysis. This is what I mean about carefully rehashing from my own experiences and why it's so important that I keep bleeding like so up to that point I am confident to write my final analysis. For me ... the description is more about the feelings rather than the furniture yet an honest / balanced approach to using both helps to raise awareness. When working with severely affected peoples that have been targeted their entire life ... the tick and flick methodology of both boxes and cross examination misses quite a lot in regards to personal impact Vs actual events in as much as agenda to prosecution or victimizing.

Whilst investigation systems struggle with this often missing the beat and being quick to judge or dismiss re prosecution ... I also feel that we as victims can obscure the truth giving into feelings of vengeance. In this can I truly say it was the pastor flogging me whilst the henchmen held me back - How much of that really matters in the end? Getting caught up in that is as much a conflict as when I was questioned - "Did He Touch You?" - The fallibility and scope for injustice is similar depending on the agenda of those doing the judging. So it is ... that the way we hold our stories for ourselves is what makes or breaks our spirit. Hmmm ... Our spirits where in deed broken early on ... but this kind of spiritual reflection is what keeps me moving.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------Irony:------------------------------------------
You see ... I once said it like this or something like it. "He played with the girls and bashed the boys." Forgive the loose terms. I'm not talking in the same way when I played with Richy on the tramp. My wife figures he also pulled up short of molesting boys in the same way the incestral sex would of been to much for him to keep his cover. Of course this is all speculation ... but far better to be viewed from our point of view - more so healing victims doing their best to make sense as opposed to taking in the words of a broken system that for whatever reasons wound up calling upon another esteemed man that took advantage of my vulnerability; as a means to part of their solution. I still need to work on expressing that in a way that hits home for others outside the box.
__________________________________



Flash Back ... (Connections between us kids?)

Shelly? ... I saw a lot of compassion and confusion in her ... I think I might of touched on that. Now looking back and even to some extent I think I used to stare wondering how much she too resemble Pastor Frank Fullwood. BUT - getting too fixated on that point or the issue of his breeding like so - whatever - can complicate - Is enough to know it was a horror house (I would do well to write about looking through that veil in terms of both how I - OR- how I thought shelly felt -Or- the impact that had on me [how shelly's then 'being' made me feel] - There was something about shelly that I was drawn too)
_____________________________________

I won't consider any of this my musings or how I intend to write it all up ... but then again it's going to be close.

It really is easy to see how all this can lead many to insanity. The hardest part for me with regard to recalling - it the extent of the abuse and resulting self damage I added to my brain after these events.

Please feel free to open up ... I am listening despite allowing whatever to come out. I only do so as to offer something for you to linger on but more so hope in a way that allows you some kind of space that will do more to heal than to trigger. Everyone kept shutting me down when I needed to talk about it the most ... unless we acknowledge the pain and yadda yadaa ... not that knowing the drill makes it any easier.

I once again apologize for this rushing end. Have to hitch a trailer and go help someone out. A welcome distraction but I also look forward to coming back.

As much as I am typing ... I am listening.



EDIT - Note ... I never really touched on - Frank as a Victim?. More to come ...

(editing with key words and future welling in mind)

[Ponder]

D - I respond soon ... damn ... always crossing posts. as soon as I get back I load back up and make a post.

THANKs D - : ) Yes your tellings re your own relationship have helped me very much; now and in the past.

To take the edge off would indeed be very helpful but is plagued with all kinds of issues with going to ask. Especially with my background. I don't do well under such scrutiny. Whilst some professionals have hearts, most are too conditioned just like the rest of them. Especially in the welfare sector. Is what that is. Tomorrow I am kick starting what normally works for me. Mondays are always a good time to get back up. :)

Additionally if I can hang on the edge for a little longer ... I will be better situated into turning all the extra angst into more motivation. Bit like the treadmill rages, I used to post about, regarding pushing through the wall when making comebacks into my fitness routine.

I HOPE YOU GET A NICE SHINY COMPUTER THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. :)
__________________________________________________ ____________________________________________

Me Stop? lol ... You know that last thread of mine where I was triggered like so - made 100+ pages. This one is only on 17. [ The age I was when laying next to Leary - I have not touched on what I sensed from him whilst laying there all rigid like looking any place but him! Fuck this shit!!!! I don't fucking care if I was 17 ... what I fucking was ... was a vulnerable and homeless kid ... old enough to register as such with the fucking St Francis Social Services (https://www.stfrancis.org.au/about-us/our-history) ... MY NAME WAS DAVID LEE My Brother Daniel David Lee - GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU CUNTS !!!! :( ] I've decided to just draft online going back over previous posts re-titling and editing along the way. This will make for easier reference. In fact I have been saving to disk along the way. Re-editing and adding in existing posts also reduces the number of posts per day. I don't like that side bar setup in this forum layout with multiple posting overlaying other threads. Not good re my compulsive tendencies at this time. It seems to be working for me as I am now seeing that layout even back out.

My Next Mussing I draft out will be something in line with this:
Vulnerability, Connectivity and the Development of Resilience in Marginalised Adolescent Males who engage in Street-Based Sex Work:
David’s primary degree was in theology and philosophy (BTh). He holds a masters degree in counselling (MCouns, Faculty Medal), and a doctorate (PhD, Counselling) which focused on vulnerability, connectivity and the development of resilience in marginalised adolescent males who engage in street-based sex work. (http://ytu.edu.au/david-leary-ofm/)
I am yet to read Leary's dissertation on the subject of male prostitution however in the mean time I have found this really interesting article:


Sexual Abuse: Where the Church Erred (https://quadrant.org.au/magazine/2017/04/sexual-abuse-catholic-church-went-wrong/#_edn33)

Let’s look at the Commission’s own statistics.



Of the 4444 complainants, 78 per cent of complainants were male, with an average age of around eleven years at the time of the alleged abuse.[2] (https://quadrant.org.au/magazine/2017/04/sexual-abuse-catholic-church-went-wrong/#_edn2)

Working on my response at the linked blog above -
My brother Daniel was 11 at the time he was attending St Edmund's Primary School. One of the principles of that school who was charged with pedophilia (details to the acts unknown) was working in the Justice Dept around that time. I found this out whilst investigating abuses against myself as well as other children who came forward in an online whistle blowing thread. I was motivated by my brothers passive suicide in 2014. My wife rang to have this man removed from his position and bla bla *&^% bla ...




90 per cent of the perpetrators were male, and were most likely to be clergy or religious.[3] (https://quadrant.org.au/magazine/2017/04/sexual-abuse-catholic-church-went-wrong/#_edn3)
Pastor Frank Fullwood although not related to the catholic church has been validated as abuser with payouts pending. Thanks to the courage of those that came forward and my own outrage we saw to it that that *&^%ing organisation was eradicated!
Dr David Leary OFM - It was my brother who fits the prime statistic for age 11 who had the privilege to of attending at the same school with those *&^%ing pedophiles that told me how leary would give me a bed for the night to give me a break from sleeping in the street. You can read the draft on that musing over here → GOD DAMN IT D >>> I have to pay 60+ $ to subscribe and leave a comment. I'm probably not polished enough to be heard there at any rate.

It's crazy to see how Leary was used in all this. A Catholic apologist used by the commission who is interestingly referred to again in this blog and just about everywhere else in relation to defending and advising. Am I wrong to be harping on about his place in all this? I could care less about my being 17 at the time he had me in his bed. Yet another calling card - Sums up the question of 'Did He Touch You?' as in being accepted practice for sleeping with vulnerable teens - as long as you don't touch them? Forget about the psychology in the grooming process and the deception of utilizing homeless kids from a child service agency run by the Foundation of St Francis Social Services (https://www.stfrancis.org.au/about-us/our-history) - where Leary was entrusted as youth worker and director.

Taking a break ... am I making any kind of point???? BRB - GRRRRRR is hard to keep perspective. I need to keep rehashing and polishing ... I'll get to Leary's point of Defense re the Homophobic side of things. Whilst I have no issue with Gay Rights - IMO he has no right to be acting so innocent in all this. I want him to understand what he did was wrong! I want the public to know the truth about his role, the negative effects of taking advantage of vulnerable kids. You see me as strong and resilient ... pffft ... I have tried explaining the conflict that took place in me .. the humiliation and shame that I fucking went through ... and now with hindsight regarding my brother :( and all the others most of whom a (*&%ing DEAD!

BRB

[Ponder]

You fucking cunts!!!

[rosspark]

Reading your posts just makes me well up so much. It's so not fair how our experiences so significantly ruined our lives.

I remember listening to a broadcast on ABC a decade or so ago about Wacol and they brought up June and her claim to fame publishing a book of poetry about the experience. I kept having panic attacks for a while after that. So Michael escaped overseas? Hrmph!

Doesn't surprise me about Leary, as Mark Eustance from the Professional Standards Office of the Catholic Church in Qld even came forward before the Commission and acknowledged he had no confidence in the process for victims (and through a candid convo directed me away from Towards Healing to Bravehearts).

When was your brother Daniel at St Edmunds, I might have been there at the same time? I have plenty of detail on the Principal there. Did you also know it was going on at St Peter Claver College? A family that were leaders on the P&F there were given the top job at Pellegrini's Books were all perpetrators, father and mother and two sons. I wonder if they got the top job as a reward for their behaviours?

[Dahila]

My experiences in this area was different that yours but not less damaging. What happened in my childhood unfortunately made me paranoiac, fearful, non-trusting, nightmares, difficult person, anxiety from early childhood, depression, all this was met and denied by my family........... So here I am, understanding what you went through, not to this fucken extend but damaging as hell...... I do believe the death will come and relieve us. finally
It is difficult to read D. what you are going through, what happened and how difficult it is let it go, I do not know how to let go of this, I wish you could have some relieve.........everyone
actually I am reading and crying, At least I can still cry .

[Ponder]

edit .. just saw you post ... keep missing the boat. Thank You D - I will somehow pull though this ... Thank You D. Talk in the morning to find some hope. Ty also Rosspark
__________________________________________________ __________

SIGH ... so glad your here. Srry about the roller coaster in the thread. Just been skimming over Bravehearts Position Statement (https://bravehearts.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/Towards_Healing_04102013.pdf). Thanks for dropping the name Bravehearts.

I mean not to dismiss the abuse when I refer to these abusers as victims themselves. Yes June fucked us kids up in many ways. I'm trying to go down the track of forgiveness. I know that probably sounds crazy given I am once again yelling and screaming feeling all kinds of rage.

Danny was there in around 82, maybe a little earlier as he went before me. I can't remember how long - My brain is all mush now. I can't even remember the DOB of my kids, wife or much else ... let alone what day it is. It's hard living like that. People just don''t get it ... but I do when I see others in the street going thought the same thing. If anything it's becoming more common place.

The man charged with pedophilia related to St Edmund's school I don't beleive was there at the same time as Danny. What raised concerns for me is the prolific nature at which this disease of exploiting kids has and seems to be as the case was with Pastor Frank Fullwood and my own experience with Leary. Connecting the dots is not hard to see that the probability ... and again ... look at those commission statistics I began to share ... I tell you not for attention ... but factually so, that if I did not have such a strong calling to be here for my family I would check out of this miserable life. Not to worry ... I take strength in your being here as well as my other online friends. None the less ... sigh ...

I don't care about the money! I just tried pleading with one of the places attached to Leary ... wanting them to take that claim as a statement. All I want is for Leary to face me and tell me his side of the story. Give him a chance to deny me without the courts. OR a chance to say sorry. WHY ... why? There is no way in hell that I knew what I was doing. If my mind is so unsound that they took my name off the compulsory voting list re advice from clinical psychologist ... then how was it I knew what I was doing back then? At any rate ... if you cant vote at age 17, then why would some homeless kid who grew up in a one horse town know any better. Add to that I only found out about there being one bed when I arrived at his home. It's just BS is what it is. Seriously what the fuck was he doing offering his home up to us kids?

This whole thing about him being used to defend and act like some kind of saint in the face of what's taken place ... that shit is the core of why I say I feel so on edge re checking out. Again ... I work on my breathing ... but to keep living like this?
_______


Lord Heavenly Father ... you know why I doubt you so
You know how far this deception goes
You know - that they know
they know - that they know.

I cling to life so that my children will know
that they will know - you know
and when they see as much,
you will then know - why they doubt thee.
_______

In your Name they tell us to COMEIN
a centre for us vulnerable kids
You know how much I worshiped you
how does that make you feel -
to know that in your name
they abused us kids.

___

How can I -
'all alone',
find the strength -
... to forgive.

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/icons-land/crying.gif

__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________



Alone? marginalized? I will find out the answer to this poem and no matter how fractured my ideals, or perception to this fallacy. If your establishment requires me to be on my knees, then I do so regardless of my yelling and screaming. I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY!!! - I just want for someone who stands behind thee - to open up and listen to me.

In Your Name - Do You Hear Me?

[salvator here]

Ponder my good man..

Been reading. Makes me well up as well.

I'm truly sorry, I have not words to help. This posting breaks my heart in many ways.

I'll try. Also including myself on this. The damage mentally that religion cause starting from childhood is enormous. As hard as I try to be this logical person, religion is power and money, and nothing else, still struggle myself. Because the damaging teachings stick and become a part of us. Religion makes me worse but faith helps me. Makes no sense, but is me, maybe what I came up with to make sense of what haunts me still to this day, best way I can say right now in this state of mind.

Maybe this..

If there is a God, not the God that was used in vain for money and power and abuse, the loving God, I chose to believe (with serious feelings of doubt most of the time), this entity/source of energy (notice I just seem unable say person/being, I simply don't believe this); that God would want us to be healthy and prosper. I do believe God heard that prayer above because other members here and myself also head/read it and feel love in our hearts. Wasn't is LOVE that brought us to religion?! I know I searched for answers to why I was born gay and and abomination to God (something God Hates) and I did get my answers (I feel), yet somehow I still feel love in my heart. Don't even know where there is room with all the hurt that occupies it. Recall I say here, I avoid my family, it is because of this reason. They are religious fanatics. They hut me without even realizing it now. They are elderly and I avoid them for both our sake.

How long is healing process, don't know because I don't believe I will (fully) heal myself before my time is up on whatever this existence is. I say this because I'm still unsure myself.

Please, please, please, don't think I'm preaching. Just saying what helps me make some sense of what I was taught that seems too powerful to just chalk up to childhood storytelling. I worry my words will fail you and I will fail you. This is why I haven't PMd you. I have always failed my friends and I keep people at a distance now. People always told me they wound up hurt when getting close to me. I never intended it. Intentions were good. I'm in no shape for close personal friendship at this point admittedly.

I like to read here and see you doing well. I want you to heal from the damage you suffered.

[salvator here]

Medication could be temporary for you, to get you stable during this rough period. Maybe don't look at it as going full circle again. We are smart and know our own bodies. You know.

My first though was also a benzo. Could help on short term if you can get. I can not. Doctors here are hesitant now. War on drugs is bad here now.

[rosspark]

Dear Ponder,

Like for Salvator, your post breaks my heart slowly, so I’m sharing the following with you:
Goodbye suicide
Wipe the tears down from your eyes
Take my hand
Hold back pride – goodbye suicide

Goodbye suicide
Not for real but for this life
Au-revoir
Auf-wiedersein – goodbye suicide

Goodbye suicide
Never thought I'd tell a lie
See you later
Sayonara – goodbye suicide

Goodbye suicide
Beautiful to be so kind
Forever been
But never seen – goodbye suicide

If the ending fits the words
If you struggle to be heard
You can only try so hard
You can only try so fucking hard

So goodbye suicide
Innocence is not a crime
Hold back fear
Don't let it near – goodbye suicide

[Ponder]

You guys are awesome. Dahila you remind me that although our experiences are never the same, all is not lost when we are able to come gather together and share as we must. Yes at times it can be hard to read & or type, but it's in the doing that we are better able to hold back the fear.

... rosspark comes to the rescue for us with that Awesome Poem! Sal - your words Never Ever fail. There is no such things as fail for people like us. It may seem that way for a large part of the time but in the END - Peace will Come. I'm with D on this.

That was a major share Sal. I know pride can be a stumbling block, but I have to say I am proud of you. I hear the necessity for humility in rossparks's poem. Truly heart felt and inspirational.

For now I am just doing what I feel I was born to do. All my life I have had to call out, and If I never made the effort to do as I do, then we would not be making these gains. Sal I would go through this all again if only to read what you just said. They say fail is for always in learning, and no next opportunity with end being effort never dies. That kind of sounds hopeful but I still see it more like this: I am for ever unlearning, looking for now and hopeful that an end is in sight.

Never be afraid to keep reaching. There is nothing wrong wishing for an end. The romance that's rife in our community the preaches striving & improving is as damaging as it is healing. (we in the community are getting tired of these expectations!) I hear what your saying rosspack and there's beauty in those words - humility I know ... so too the humiliation. (others in the community are reading this - those that need to know)

I take in your words ... but now is not the time for me to give in. I will however in light of what you have said ...work towards with my words.

Priceless Sal ... Priceless! We must feel what we feel otherwise it will never end. Keep posting man. I love it when you post like that! Your post was as awesome as rossparks's poem. Dahila - you nail it with your version of peace. I totally agree. I do best when I reach that state between the bouts of pain. It can be done and it's a beautiful place to be. We don't need figments nor fallacy ... That power Sal - exists within. You just touched it in your last post and I for one am always - ALWAYS ... filled with hope when ever I see you post no matter what you say!

Absolute GOODBYE SUICIDE but look out ... HERE I COME! :)

[Ponder]

Good session with psychiatrist. He prescribed taking a break.

Thx again to rosspark, D & Sal ... u 2 John :)

I'll be back in due course.

[Dahila]

Taking a break is awesome, Guys you areeeeeeeeeeee fantastic, It such a pleasure to read your posts. Everyone , thank you for being here , thank you

[Ponder]

The Hierarchy of Suffering:

OK ... that was a good break. I'll try to keep it light reading:

Injustice is a huge trigger at the best of time for me. If I have to walk at the crossing yet see others that do not ... ZAP! ... Major conflict. Apparently that too is one of my retarded traits. Too literal. Rules are RulZe.

Handing Out The $$$$ --------------- DON'T GET HUNG UP! -----------------------
Given I am on the lower end of the scale due to not being penetrated - I accept that my concerns may be viewed as bias. Thus my points on the detrimental effects of having victims of sexual ← Strikeout! 'Abuse' , being weighed in terms of bodily contact Vs psychological impact - may also be obscured. The competitive nature of our society only makes this more obscure. It can feel as if we victims are being pitted against each other; even an little disconcerting for those receiving more than the other.

All along I've been fearful of this process. Bodily Contact Vs Psychological Impact? The irony is that the former is physical yet physical is not something of an issue when it comes to abuse as regarded by investigating authorities, unless its sexual. Bashing kids is acceptable. Many affected peoples in the community are struggling with this one, but more so due to the 'separation' of these abuses. The boxing up of sexual abuse is also quite a mess. This abuse dissected as determined in the following ways. Penetrative abuse, Contact Abuse & Exposure Abuse each with their respective elements and of course ... associated value.

_____________________



It would seem there is a lot of incentive to embellish. A system that does more to tempt and encourage?

Today's Value System. Will we ever get to a point where we will realise just how priceless human life is?
https://image.ibb.co/cn0OZ8/Table.jpg

Recognition? My personal experience is these abusers still have accolades, work in the justice dept and called upon to advise the system.


Let's Weigh In:https://image.ibb.co/digmnT/scale.pngI could claim 'contact abuse' with an older boy; on the grounds of being fondled with. (speculative to legalities and definitions as defined by the system of course) The psychological impact within the scope of contact abuse → actually ties more into the reprimand that came 'later.' As a result of the reprimand which took place the night of the incident, I was severely marginalized from the others and later accused of molesting one of the younger 'more' vulnerable kids. Of course the details in the documentation we have been provided with are quite complex - which does not make my 'story' as straight forward as it ought to be.

Sadly the complexity of the scaling will lead many to embellish which will effect the scope of true healing. In many cases this can inadvertently lead many victims to relive events that never actually happened. On the other hand my sister has recently informed me of vulnerable positions that both my brother and I were placed in - that I'm only just starting to recall. It matters little as my submission is already lodged regarding the NLC and adding to it just not seem right - the fact is was robbed of a life. According to the scale ... anything that follows ... goes unrecognized. NEWS FLASH for those reading affected by the NLC Quest Care ... The accountant Peter Lucs - informed me today that they are in fact scaling to the same process as above ... the Redress. I have also informed the Redress as to the current liquidation process with Lucas. Be sure to remain transparent as I am keeping the redress up to date with the Quest Care Liquidation.

ImpACT Vs ACT? There's quite a lot in that thought.
I'm going to assume that the length of time between act and impact plays a key point to the categorization of events and associated monetary value placed on each. That said, those that were penetrated once may receive the same of those penetrated several times.

When Does the Real Impact of Sexual Abuse Take Place? The reactions, of authorities, caregivers OR those who adopt the ideals as defined by society - seem to me - to play as larger role into the impact as the act itself. The method of measuring as we see here can be counted as a reaction - dissecting and boxing.

IN A NUT SHELL:
I mean not to diminish one act over the other - however I feel I am very well positioned from my background to explain 'how the impact' derived from any of the above three categories; can in many cases be as detrimental as the other. In this light diminishing the impact by placing a higher price over the other can lead those deemed 'lesser' ... to unnecessary suffering than they may, might or be otherwise experience/ing. Don't let this happen to you!
___________________________________________

WHEN LOOKING TO WRITE YOUR STORY - STAY TRUE TO SELF:
You might be surprised to highlight more of an impact that helps your case, without the need to stretch the truth.

I'm struggling to find a voice that actually allows us all, to find true healing. I'm getting there though. I think to answer the question in blue: When Does the Real Impact of Sexual Abuse Take Place? We might want to take a deeper look into WHAT the true impact is. That's going to be hard for those embellishing their stories. I've spoken a tiny bit about the feedback of others and how that impacts our point of view.


The church is only one part of the mess - The Institution Is Society.
I'll just finish by saying the above scaling it quite apt for administrating but does little for compensating. Whilst I can include several forms of sexual abuse minus the penetration within the scope of addressed institutions, the contact and exposure I did suffer early on within said institution, undoubtedly led me into the penetration arena of being raped more than once where I was left outdoors in the lowest of places ... our wonderful society's streets! Those stories have been buried deep and need no embellishing.

The true impact of the abuse I suffered ... that reality I now focus to be my driving force to highlight not only the injustice of these proceeding but moreover to validate those of us who never made it (RIP) and all the others still living who have suffered just as much - from ALL FORMS OF ABUSE. (I just took out child from child abuse - as we as adults forget how important it is to remain child like - food for thought?)

The hierarchy of suffering that's now being gauged, is leading many victims of all forms of abuse, into severe regression with suicidal tenancies. What can we take home from this?

The system is not going to change. Facts ... 1. Pastor Frank Fullwood still has accolades of high degrees. To this day he is considered to of been an outstanding member of community (He may not be living but he is still glorified) 2. We have pedophiles working within the Justice System. We lowly uneducated affected peoples only removed one individual ... there are more. 3. Dr David Leary who took advantage or me (You know the story) becomes an adviser of the investigating systems to which 4. which only adds to the problem with it's Hierarchy of Suffering.

Now is the time for people to tell their stories ... but in a way that acknowledges the truth, as they best define ... not by some table with figures that sums it up from a perspective that's far removed - that's less willing to acknowledge the truth of what the real impact of child abuse is ... what it does and how it spreads. It's true impact on Society. All of Us. Our communities.

I'm not saying don't take the money, but understand the sums don't do us justice. In fact, our current value system is what keeps us from healing.

Night Night - http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

.....others reaction.

[salvator here]

Sal - your words Never Ever fail. There is no such things as fail for people like us. That was a major share Sal. I know pride can be a stumbling block, but I have to say I am proud of you. I worried all day after writing it, so I'm glad they didn't offend you or make you feel worse. Always glad to share if it helps others. Also doing that helps to get some shit out I've bottled up. I'll reach out again for help and create a new thread if need be.

Glad you are back! No need to reply :)

[Ponder]

All Good Sal - Your a good Friend. The raging bull is starting to slow. Today I was barley able to function ... but ... It was a good type of exhaustion and even now as I feel my body and mind about ready to take themselves someplace despite my resistance ... I'm smiling now because I give those guys my permission ... I give in!


I'll just say ... think of the following in reverse.

https://preview.ibb.co/gzpZRo/The_Light.jpg

For me thinking in reverse is so much more relaxing. "Deception, deception, deception ... " I saw that now like I am counting sheep ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz ... chuckles at the pun in how that actually relates to what I'm saying. That prayer I recently made was not directed to who or what some may or might have thought it was. Just wanted to clear that up. That when I hit the ground and find myself getting back up ... it has nothing to do with bowing down. I do apologise if this disappoints.

None the less I am getting closer to doing away with this world and all the conditions that go with it. Better said I am ready for bed where I seek to step out from the light and contently walk into the abyss. No stairs needed; yet more imagery that does not work for me.

Yawns ... Goodnight ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Hey D .. SAL ... John ... rosspark or anyone else following. I'm coming close to finishing off this thread. I don't regret for a minute anything I have said in it. Everything I have expressed in here is what I needed to go through and if not being allowed to express as I have done, I would hate to think where I might of ended up. Yes this is a slow forum with little traffic, but the quality of support and allowances afforded to those of us hard and complex cases, means we get a truly unique opportunity of support. High traffic and popularity is an easy trade off for what you get in return. I'm sure we have not heard the last of the traffic woes ... smiles ... OK ... back to some kind of fitting end:

I really can't say it any better than a close friend of mine recently said it to me as he linked the following video:



"Something helpful does exist in this argument. I can't quite put my finger on it. But forgiveness of an arse mightn't always mean tolerance of them. Maybe more an acknowledgement of their limits and a mutual release, if one is possible."
______________________________________
___

Thx Col :)



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhmRkUtPra8

[rosspark]

Thanks Ponder. I want to get to where she's at, and thought I reached there until three years ago when one of the bleeps' obituaries came up on my radar and it started the emotional s'storm all over again for me.

[Ponder]

You know something rosspark - The agenda in all this is questionable at best and the way it's been handled has imo done more damage than good. It's like when the family courts preach the best interest of the child but at the end of the day it boils down to the authorities in control. That said ... there is silver lining in all this. Those of us that remain true to ourselves despite the system that will forever always keep eating it's tail - somehow, somewhere .. eventually we will come out the other side all the more wiser for having honored ourselves. I think in that little speech to which I care less re the religious attachments in ongoing vids, there is a sense of self respect that comes from the letting go in such a light as aligned within the concept of forgive.

My wife struggle with forgiveness. I beleive the element of bowing down and letting go to invested attachments (unresolved emotion or in our case triggered) obscures the more healing aspect that comes from letting go as I sense the most appealing attribute explained here with the term forgiveness.

IS OK - Ride with whatever emotion that needs to be felt. Did you see my reactionary video? Where I keep slapping myself in the Head? I was in a good space also before all this show boating of LOOK AT US _ LOOK AT WHAT WE ARE DOING - WE ARE MAKING THE CHURCH PAY - is to me as failing as the same BS they have been doing all over the world with Aboriginal peoples of all kinds that were raped and killed. This whole reconciliation, retribution - likewise thing - as portrayed and administered created the welfare mentality that the system then nails out for the rest of society to despise. Look at how the Royal Commission bla bla bla Child Sexual Abuse in the end, selected an accused individual to be an adviser on their team.

The takes that cake for me as I was one caught up in that mans bed. The whole way in which the system then complicates the issue with it legal BS to allow these influential high society types to continue in their positions as it does ... well ... Best we can do is expose that for what it is (and that's what I am doing now) up to a point where in the end we accept what is and move on. My stance on Society will never change. I tried reaching out in another forum controlled by the government and they could not care less.

Yep I hear ya ... Just do the best you can with yourself. I know what that man did was not right and now with hindsight and all the bullshit ... YEP - it just makes it worse ... BUT ... I also feel my time is now come to put it all to rest. I almost stood on a chair in my shed this time around ... ALMOST. I totally get it and agree with what you just said. It's the processing of all the stuff that came as a result of when we gave in ... we we 'caved in' ... all the stuff we went through after that and the impact .. the impact the system is not addressing ... that impact we have to in the end address for ourselves. We have to draw upon a high strength that is way more powerful and worth of our attention ... as opposed to the system that creates our pain and yes ... this system is making it worse. That power for me is within and has always been there ... has nothing to do with this GOD authorities term, or the one most main stream sheep reefer. I only know the process that works for me in the seeking it out ... from within ... and that YES ... it was a part of my balance before I was contacted regarding a PAYOUT. It's very sad how their are handling it and the pain they are causing is way more than it's worth. They have dismissed the abuse of so many more and would of done better just to focus on the mental health reforms as too the education system and the extreme hard lined approach. The only way it will ever change is when more of us turn our backs on the current system. Rant rant and rant ... more over in the turning of backs ... doing it in a way that knows no pain. :)

Something our demons hate the most. But we got to love em in the same way wish to be loved ourselves. Is hard ... maybe just don't see the system or those that hurt us as demons. That there helps. I am working on that.

Please don't hold back.
After you make another 12 posts you will be able to pour out till your hearts content ... yell and scream. Takes 25 post to extend beyond the word cap. That said if you have nothing left to say ... that's cool too. I'm not quite down yet. My submission forms for the redress just arrived the other day and much of what I have written in there with a little trimming needs to be retold.

FUCK THE MONEY ... Just tell the truth as best you can ... then let all this fucking shit go. It's sad that pain and suffering really does not get the attention it deserves with regard to the process ... but be sure to include it regardless of this playing down scenario with their hierarchy of touch. I personally beleive those of us left living who are now suffering this pain - regardless of right or wrong in the process and how it's come to be - that even you and I crossing paths - won't say meant to be, but will say, gives us new purpose and choices that we can make our own.

I'm still not buying we chose to be this fucked up. New Agers have not quite convinced me of that. I am getting it a little more but not quite - seems a little too convenient with respect this blind eye approach of watching others suffer while they just smile and say Love and Light. They be more the plastic fad / club like followers wana be angels of light and la la and la ... YET - Something in that choosing our path seems on par enough. You can't help those that can't hear and continue to put themselves in harms way. The innocence of being victim only holds for a few rounds where at some point we have to find acceptance or we become abusers of ourselves. I'm just a lot more kinder in the way I think of this when making such proposals of myself and others. There are some hard lined New Agers that in many ways make cold hearted killers look like saints.

I've said too much.

I'm kind of hoping you have not finished posting BUT - accept so if not much else to say.

All good either way.

[rosspark]

Yes, this is the same toxic philosophy Rhonda Byrne promoted in her book, The Secret, where she claims "illness cannot exist in a body that has harmonious thoughts" blaming people for their impairments and dismissing the need to address societal barriers. We argue that if Aborigines just did things the same way we whites do, they would make it far better than they are presently doing. The problem with this thinking is that, no matter how much they do things the way us white people do them, they are not white people – so they will never measure up. The same is true for us. Robert Anton Wilson called this "New Age" message, Newage (rhymes with sewage;(

It was the same with the Royal Commission into Aboriginal Deaths in Custody, and will continue with every form of institutional abuse that gets uncovered in our country. Because government policy has endorsed it every step of the way, and they don’t want to pay! We are now seeing it with the NDIS, which is about offering individuals with disability "choice and control", yet the Commonwealth Government has backpedalled on funding for-profit services and is instead devolving priority funding to religious charities/ nfps which takes away full, and equitable, access to the market for people with disability that those without disability take for granted. This once again reinforces the "Charity Model" and highlights once again that us most marginalised in the community deserve cheaper service where we are exposed to less accountability and potential for further abuse.

[Ponder]

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/shocked/wow-smiley-emoticon.gifTHANK YOU! Forgive me if I am speechless. It is a good thing for me. Loved 'everything' you just said! God it's good to hear it like that from someone other than myself. The good ol Us and Them mentality sure is old, yet sadly as strong as ever. You nailed it ... nailed it good! The part about skirting what really needs to be addressed and the way you said it ... Priceless!!! TY

If I could touch on the NDIS - My mentor had his last visit with me today. It's one a varioius mental health programs I access in the community. More so where he comes to my house and sometimes we might go out. Often we do. Anyways ... whilst they will T me up with someone else, the program itself is being absorbed like most other of my supports into the NDIS. The frustrating thing for myself and many others who also rely on or have been for years now ... relying on mental health supports ... IS ... most of these service will soon no longer be available. (Unless you get on NDIS and then like you allude - the services are questionable when it really comes to best interest of individuals - is more about job creation) :( - This is the only reason I have been making efforts to get on NDIS. (Although I question quality and availability of services / doing more so because soon DSP Reviews are coming or people soon to be chopped off with no supports at all!) I am in the process of a review that may end up in a full blow appeal and then possibly - ironically - I may end up rejected from NDIS - BUT - Still on a disability support pension for mental illness as defined by my array of clinical reports ... BUT WITHOUT ANY #^&*ING SUPPORT as the community is all rushing to get NDIS funding. Insane of what???

No wonder people give up and only resort to meds. Nothing against those of 'us' using them. It's a tough job supporting others in the community whilst seeing the BS for what it is. I think a large part of that played into my mentor moving on ... as well as other responsibilities. Just saying is all. He often used to relay his own frustration in the bureaucracy and it's negative effects. One step forwards, three steps back.

"New Age" message, Newage (rhymes with sewage;( ← Also feels good to hear others put it like that. Admitadly I do have a spiritual side to me that's open on many levels ... but yep ... It's crazy the things that some cults/ures come up with.

---------------------

Anyways ... I need to re-read what you just said. Priceless!!!

[rosspark]

We need to remember religions or movements like the New Age have been written/ conceived by the privileged so they are of course going to promote the underlying discourse of those in power. Re: support for mental health through the NDIS, have you seen this recent access guide produced by Flinders University? I couldn't post the link but if you Google "Accessing the NDIS - Assisting people with psychosocial disability to access the NDIS: a guide for Commonwealth-funded community mental health providers" it should come up with the correct link.

[Ponder]

Thanks Rosspark ... Have addressed it from all angles. NDIS makes a lot of claims - yet is knocking back a LOT of applicants already on DSP. Very useful info you have linked. After the redress and whatever the result of NDIS appeals ... once it's all done ... I will be taking a long needed break from society and it's expectations. No more having to prove myself for a long time after that. Or let's hope. I only wish the same for others ... it takes a bit of insight and willingness to let go in order to get that point. I have more discussions left in me ... however making a return to my camera and seeking out quiet places to contemplate such.

I re enabled some of my mental health videos (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCohFqfurt5qeHqcWm33jOmQ?view_as=subscriber) - thinking of doing some more. I struggle with a lot of compulsive addictions and find the self talk helps to motivate and in other cases reveal areas in which I need work. I'm looking forward to just finishing up all this BS of applying for this and that. I just want to go back to doing what I know works for me that has &^%$ing nothing to do with whatever the powers that be think I should be thinking, saying and doing. Something like that.

Thanks again for the link.

[Imperfect]

Excuse me Ross - it's me Ponder ... just having an egocentric moment with a more apt username. :)

One moment please - 1

Edit ... mission accomplished. I will keep this thread going as well. I will use it as my more exposure thread where I can better let go of all .... mmm ... raw stuff! My apologies Ross with the confusion.

[rosspark]

How many username's do you have - Ponder, Ponder2 and now Imperfect?;) And yes I've suspected from the beginning that there has been a secretive intent behind the NDIS that once people have full plans in place their DSP will be cancelled as the government will claim it is providing sufficient support through the scheme, and then those that are deemed not eligible will be not eligible for DSP also and will be left in the wilderness.

[Imperfect]

I only had one nick since 2013 when I first joined here. Since all that BS with the BS Commission - I now decide it's time for a reset. I have never liked the voting systems within forums like → likes and especially the dislikes. Post counts can also get annoying. Being called out in another thread today made me think that despite the joke I used with 'PonderThe2nd' - that 'Imperfect' felt much better. I chose 'Imperfect' thinking more in terms of how wonderful it is to be imperfect. Perfectionism is one of my many tiring traits. Accepting a sign post, defined as imperfect, offers me a sense of allowing myself to be as is and thus present regardless of judgement from others or myself. In this context, it's not about self doubt; quite the opposite actually ... it's all about acceptance. Something like that. :)
__________________________________

Yea ... they are pumping up the adds on TV that relate to NDIS. Many accolades about how great the services are. Yep ... Big changes are a coming. I hold out no hope anymore regarding my future in this society. I am not the only one dragging the chain down at the mental health facility I go to. Staff are moving on everywhere. The mentor / support person that left (Personal Helpers and Mentors (PHaMs) program) ... well he has been frequenting the men's mental health group as a volunteer and today said (publicly in today's group) he was leaving his position within PHaMs as he was is not happy about the changes he is seeing within mainstream MH services and the transitions taking place regarding NDIS. The same services that claimed 'nothing is going to change' are now backpedaling. I called it from the beginning and taking no pride in saying "I told ya's so!"

It's now coming down to the have's and the have nots with status playing a huge part in that. It's tragic. I always knew we would end like an American Welfare System - however I think it's actually going to be worse. The stigma in this country is going to emotionally cripple the have nots to a point beyond repair. A point in which sheeple will continue on without even knowing just how *&%#ed up they really are. Those in the most pain will be those that can see it happening. "Go Figure!" BUT - I think in that is also an opportunity for escape. For true freedom! The rock bottom where full disclosure either sets us free or kills us.

This I prefer to write about in my other journal. :) This one more enjoyable from an exposure point of view.

Love the reference to Wilderness (Well said!) - If only there was enough of that left. My saying has been " .... looking for space in a shrinking world." No matter ... we few able among the dis- abled can/will continue to vouch for those who can't for themselves. Those who think they are above us ... do not exist.

[Imperfect]

Here's an update - Regarding the Back Flip to the current liquidation processes that was in play several months before the Nation Redress. This email my wife and I just sent details the ethical dilemma to be found to the hierarchy of abuse. The sudden turn of events also diminish my original two submissions. Basically complicates matters as the National Redress will seek to use my first two submission ... them being based on a different framework. In all likely hood I will get no acknowledgement or otherwise some technical reply that absolve them and continues to diminish and impede my position in all this. (Not just me either!)

If anything ... I really needed to get my head around the ethical dilemma. Adding to that and also included in that ... is having to know make up a new submission which will require a new angle of approach without falling into the trap of embellishment. No fear of that coming form me other than dealing with the obvious conflict to the injustices still taking place! GGGrrrrrrr - You see whilst now being forced to add to my accounts - the addition of information that 'will' now be cross referenced with previous submissions based on an framework less rigid and more open to impact ... well ... the scope for misinterpretation and scrutiny is what leads to the impedance and diminishing of those victims to be categorized further down the chain - on this BS approach of ... and I will give it a new term: Hierarchy of Touch!

__________________________________________________ _____________________________

This is what we came up with:

Dear Sir,

After much deliberation and advice, I have been advised to contact you and put in my objection to you using the National Redress Framework for dividing up the assets of Quest Care's Liquidation.

You advised that you will be using the National Redress Framework, however this framework is based on a hierarchy (Penetration, Contact, Exposure) of sexual abuse ONLY and other abuses are only considered to a lesser extent when sexual abuse has occurred. It gives more relevance to the act and very little acknowledgment of the impact.

I was informed when this started that this liquidation was not just about the sexual abuse and not to go into much detail as the abuses had been validated and that all abuses were being taken into consideration, however the National Redress framework is only about sexual abuse. Now it would seem your whole focus has moved to the sexual abuse after requesting two submissions from me.

The National Redress has been up front about their framework from the start so submissions can be written in accordance with that framework. However your framework has never been set out prior to requesting our submissions and we were only given your word that we did not need to go into detail as all abuse would be taken into consideration. Your decision to suddenly alter the conditions on which the submissions were based has now substantially impeded and diminished my previous submissions which were not based on the National Redress Framework (based only on sexual abuse) which you are now claiming to be using.

The Liquidation of Quest Care should NOT be based on sexual abuse alone or even as a priority. all abuse suffered at that home has played its part in the IMPACT. There are children that have suffered more physical & psychological abuse than sexual or no sexual abuse at all but the impact of living in that home is just as great or greater in some circumstances to those that were sexually abused and suffered less physical and psychological abuse.

So I must object to you using the National Redress framework as the framework for the Quest Care Liquidation. The National Redress framework is designed for those who suffered sexual abuses only and does not allow for the act and impact of the Physical & Psychological abuses that occurred, which your previous framework/questions alluded to include and give significant acknowledgement to.

I would like you to respond to my objections set out above as I now believe this sudden turn of events in this Quest Care Liquidation presents an ethical dilemma not withstanding the PTSD and suicidal tenancies I have recently experienced to the the Hierarchy of abuse set out by the National Redress Scheme and now being implemented by you in a sudden back flip.

Yours Faithfully

It was kind of done in a rush ... I should of finished by highlight the fact that the PTS impact that have already been made aware of. Not just in this one point of contact. You see this is the thing that people are missing ... the impact that this hierarchy of abuse is causing. It really is in many cases creating more pain where none of existed. I mean not to diminish preexisting suffering ... the irony is that in whatever framework is being used ... if the system is to be honest with regard to the validity of abuse - no matter what form ... existing impact would be top of the list when come to so called equations. The very fact that other liquidators as suddenly changing their own framework shows how much of all this comes down to convenience.

Annnnyyyyways - I make my objections - in doing so get clarification as to how I make my next approach. Those reading on who are a part of this mess ... be warned that the scope for embellishment will easily be seen which is not so much of an issue for me ... just putting it out there is all. The ethical dilemma however is very much worth highlighting.

Like Pam once said a few hundred pages back in another thread ... 'expose, expose & expose!'

[Imperfect]

GOOD NEWS - I actually got an acknowledgement from the St Francis Social Services regarding my experiences with Dr David Leary. I won't go into details on that other than to say - people ought to really speak out. You never know who's desk your plea may cross. Yes ... yes ... clinging to stories and living a life of yelling and screaming is not going to work ... my venting has enabled me more than anything else. My story is simply not yet finished is all. I am getting there though and thankful for any acknowledgment that comes.

I could view it pessimistically ... but no ... I don't think so. Someone heard me. That's always a good thing. Dare I say, I'll count me blessings. Just kidding. I am a little more hopeful regardless of the corruption. Corruption will always exist.

Thanks again for being a part of this journey Ross. I hope this finds you well.

[Imperfect]

Spasmodic notes to sift through later ... also possibly pull out the online example where one victim who was sexually abused, publicly claims not as affected as I re her independence. That was quite humble and something to be respected. I'm just keen to make a point that not all victims feel the same as to this diminishing of abuse. I think more on that later. There is a hell of a lot of text to go through to make that point. I know it ... they know it ... and there is currently a lot more people sidelined out of this:

Unintended Consequence of the Royal Commission - AKA Hierarchy of Abuse. Why does it mean so much to me ... because it is the essence of new suicidal tendencies. Not just mine.

Adding to the ethical issues above re addressing the 'Vultures' to put it kindly:

The following additional points - set out with above - to hit home when I can find the appropriate ethical complaints dept - thus formulating approach to further public exposure - Here is good enough for now:


How do the Vultures Exploit the Victims and Siphon Compensation Funds? Set amount for admin fees $80000.00 up to $160000.00 from $600000.00 with 11 other claimants and more coming forward. I'm happy for even more to come forward as it only proves my point as to how victims are exploited when it comes to the $$$$ - We were originally told that the process will be done as quick as possible to avoid unnecessary trauma and also expenditure. The complete opposite was the result.



For those that missed it, I foretold this happening (volatile video of my reaction (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMCzQDFnvJY)) just like I did with the NDIS.
You may call it Ego - I call it Exposing ... and it's exactly what is still going on.

VULTURES - THE FACTS:


1. Stringing Out The Process. $$$ Monterrey Gain / Losses
We have statements from the liquidators where they have given us estimated dates to when the liquidation process would be completed. 6 months from 1st of January. At current rate ... the admin costs are 4 Times Greater then equal shares when not factoring in greater portions being 'favored' towards those who's lives have seemingly been 'devastated' (impacted) by sexual abuse. [Yet the redress only factor Impact as 25% with Touch 75% - which is ludicrous] For those of us deemed 'lessor' victims ... rolls eyes ... that equates to admin costs being 8 Times Greater. That my friends is not only unjustifiable ... but criminal. Of course dogs will fight each other with the weighing process to distract where the real greed is coming from


2. Quest Care Submissions Based on ALL FORMS of abuse NOT Sexual Abuse AND Resulting Impact (Questionable for most living independent lives - more to follow in this - with the amount of sexual claimants and their True Impact?)
First Submission relates mostly to proof of attendance - accounts of abuse (ALL FORMS OF ABUSE - no reference to Sexual - To be left at discretion of Claimant) A Major focus on Primary Impact. Nowhere in the questions posed or format does it prioritize Only Sexual Abuse. The proposed end date arrives ... My wife and I push for another response re proceeding - Liquidator request a second submission. This one being more a case for those failing to meet the first. STILL - NOTHING ABOUT PRIORITIZING SEXUAL ABUSE.

More time passes ... we push again to find out why they are taking so long ... then comes the reply - "WE ARE NOW FALLING IN LINE THE NATIONAL REDRESS." This relates to Point One. So much the the estimated completion date and a very apt way of muzzling those with enough steam to keep the vultures honest. It's should also be pointed out there was no mention of the National Redress up until our last point of call to push for completion after their expected dates were giving.
It's not fair that everyone has to pay the extra costs incurred debt to the delays of not only claimants but more so lawyers ... basically individuals not conforming to dead lines and things like that ... this be more spin to be woven in the ethical dilemma ... MORE OVER the process allowing that to happen rather than saying "srry the deadline was last week"

3. The only time action was taken was when ever my wife and I emailed requesting what was going on. Only then were documents and or updates sent out, and until the last response all others were addressed to all victims simultaneously. My sister knows this well as every email we formulated we kept her advised of to which my understanding is she has been doing the same with others. "David - what's happening now? Any Info? Should we make contact $$$?

4. SECONDARY ABUSE - suicidal tendencies and ongoing relevant medication and doctor visits association with impact due to this controversial hierarchy process as too above points!





FOR THE RECORD - Despite the fact I did suffer sexual abuse - I am more angered because the beatings and psychological abuse unrelated to sexual ... was just as ... and in many cases more IMPACTING (smash - smash and more smashing) AND then comes the Demoralization through just a look - Remember how June could get in those rages ... how often could that expression instantly come back to haunt you without anyone else seeing it? mmmm .... How about the constant arm grabbing, pulling and jerking? mmm ... Perhaps yours was only sexual abuse?

The thing with admitting to physical and emotional abuse is that it undermines the fabric of how our society facilities pacification on a daily basis. Smacking children is still legal in most states - grabbing at an autistic kid when he does not want to be touched is OK in schools where the child is expected be broken in. I'm seeing it when I go to pick up my grand kid. I know what I am talking about. Those that are not lapping it up are similarly demoralized in much the same way we kids where in those tragic homes. Those not confronted by it are pacified in others ways ... their things, work, money, tv, desires and so on.

Much easier to just focus on the ideology of sexual abuse. Soceity uses all the other forms to dominate ... history shows that well enough and despite the text book civilities ... pffft ... same ol - sam ol. Impact of the abuse is not considered ... not unless it fits into this agenda of authority agenda. In this case Sexual Abuse.

It's OK if your raped later on ... but somehow that's my fault ... because I chose it according to their ideology. The sewage (I like that spin very much for term 'new age' ... it fits well.) and similarly religious cultures use the 'You Chose' ploy all too often. How convenient.
___

In this, mine history makes for a classic example ... but I'm more frustrated for all those who are already dead and the multitudes more I know who have suffered extensively more, than those I know to be claiming sexual abuse. This I can fathom soon enough and relates to suffering resultant from other peoples reactions. The focus for now being - It's not so much the weighing or comparisons, but more they way institutions and associated ideologies are skirting the true cause of suffering.

Why is it that most of these individuals claiming $$$$ for suffering resultant from sexual abuse ... why are a large proportion of these claimants able to work, own houses, cars, have close relationships able to function without the need for support. Why up to this point of contention were they so independent? The truth is many of them struggle to be seen as poor, down and out, wearing cheap label clothes and not wanting to be associated as disabled? How do I know ... because we see it all the time when ever a famous person is accused of sexual assault. Look at what happens.

NOW Here's the thing - I don't doubt the abuse that occurred in the home I was placed impacted everyone in whatever way ... but since the system wan't to play this leveling game ... I now talk like so to expose the deception for what it is. VULTURES and GREEDY INSTITUTIONS SKIRTING THE TRUTH.

SIGHHHH ... all good. It is what it is. IMPACT - IMPACT ... Far easier to shaft the responsibility onto those they disabled with that ideology of YOU CHOSE! How convenient. Yes there comes a time we must take ownership of ourselves ... but what I am talking about is how they use such ideals to keep their positions and continue to abuse whilst all along taking the moral high ground. You see how that is convenient? Works well and most sheep are buying it ... or in this case lining up to fall inline with deceit of their own thus falling party to this who system of abuse.

Just like anxiety ... is not be be overcome ... we just expose it for the corruption it is ... accept it ... through dissociating, dis-identify with that part of society ... this moving on. Be in the world but not of it ... Yadda Yadda. The devil is in the kitchen ... Yadda yadda yadda.

Let the games continue. expose- expose- expose Yea Yea ... EGO EGO - I know ... it's also being exposed. Part and parcel of being human. You think it's easy to throw myself out here like this? You kind of have to be worthless ... have nothing to lose. I don't care about my image ...


Enough for now ... go get on your bike and recharge with the golden glow - before the night takes hold.

Adios until next post.

[Imperfect]

75% of focus on touch with only 25% on Impact? A deception that distracts. lowing the focus on impact allows those more independent to validate this deception and bolster the ideals of what society deems as wrong or right. The more they highlight one form of abuse the less focus we give to those forms currently employed. It's double bind. Makes me think of Alan Watts. Violence is still the preferred method to control non conformists, whether they be violent or not. Re the autistic kids ... Ironically →touching them when they don't want to be touched! Again ... a double bind.

"Oh come on ... they don't do that at the private school my children go to!" Hmmmm .... Double Standards!
Privileges ... lower the impact ... Poor Me. $$$ They have no idea of the true costs with reference to the ideals they blindly follow ... as long as the figures fit. Again ... the value of human life in our hierarchy of society.

[rosspark]

Thank you for explaining your reason for choosing the username, Imperfect. I completely understand. It's like the constant efforts to crush us led us to develop a compulsion to try to be perfect at our endeavours because we needed to prove we had value, were worthwhile, were not scum and had something essential to contribute. Or when people accuse us of always wanting to win which just really hurts. We do not need to win, I know we are not competitive people. It is about needing to survive. Having our view acknowledged means we matter because when we are made to feel like our voice didn’t matter it reinforces our insignificance, our history of having our face continually stomped on by people’s boots, or being a "useless eater".

[rosspark]

Knowing Ipswich, you’ll recall there was a natural melancholy in the town I grew up in, a mill and mining town that ended with all our parents unemployed. So everybody ever since we were children felt pretty much defeated. You had the ruins of heavy industry all around you. You saw your parents' generation all out of work, sent on courses of "relevance" that provided no hope of employment outcome (forced upon them by Department of Social Security to I believe crush their spirits further and help the government make their unemployment statistics not look so bad). Faced with a society in which people were barely surviving let alone living, I have since needed to constantly kick back with purpose. But I also embodied the very things I railed against, cynicism, anger and despair. I have ever since been full of disgust with humanity.

I got bullied and teased by the richer kids at school which just rubbed salt in the wounds after their families had stood, and in some instances enabled the collapse, not lifting a finger to protest against the government as our parents went from being working-class to an underclass. I'm sure it was that similar feeling for those there at the time of Hillsborough after the miner's strike ended. What was left? People need to believe. People need to congregate but there's nothing left to believe in, nothing left to congregate for. So it ended up football. And they know that... The police. The politicians. People would go to the match. They march them along. They slam them against walls, they treat them like scum. The people look for help. They're Socialists, were trade unionists and they look to the Labour Party for help. But they're white. There's no brownie points for speaking up for them so the Labour Party turns its back. They end up not getting treated like scum any more. They get treated like wild animals. And, yeah, one or two of them start acting like wild animals and the cages go up and ninety-six people die. The police, the bourgeois left... they caused Hillsborough.

The way the closures ended had a massive effect on me too. At that point I hated words like sincerity, passion, ideology, belief. Suddenly I wanted to turn those words into something else. Didn’t want to believe in those sayings like "go down in a blaze of glory", I was like "fuck that". I wanted to be so intelligent that I was never going to get beaten. I just didn’t just want to rely on the passion of a true heart, I wanted to be so intelligent that I was never going to get bludgeoned as our industry was bludgeoned, beaten into the ground. All books were as exciting to me as records. Preposterously full of belief, ambitious and studious… In spite of being crushed by school, I developed my own “curriculum” this way and my auto-didactic approach to learning all came to a head in my final year of school where, when we had an exhibition where we had to contribute a message for the hypothetical next race after we had gone extinct from an all-out nuclear war. Mine was "I'd cut off my cock, and nail it to the wall with the message: 'If you can learn to live without this you might do a better job than humanity'."

[rosspark]

In my "chosen" curriculum studies I learned the "intelligent" contributors to the Pioneer Plaque placed on board the 1972 Pioneer 10 and 1973 Pioneer 11 spacecraft, proposed, and developed, a pictorial message, in case either probe intercepted extraterrestrial life, of the Earth and its Moon, effectively providing the "road-map" to our galactic doorstop. I saw no wisdom in the eagerness to be found and approached by any intelligence with the ability to accomplish it from any sector of space. In the meetings between "discoverers" and "discoverees," history has always given the advantage to the finders. In the case of the Jupiter plaque, I feel that a tremendous issue was thoughtlessly taken out of the world forum by a few individuals who marked a clear path to our door. My point is: who will come knocking – the trader or the tiger? Remember, everything’s for sale, and the Redress Scheme’s model is further proof of this.

Remember too, you know you're normal:
>When you get compassion fatigue but are never tired of being judgemental and selfish;
>When you say to a person who gives up the ratrace to follow their dreams: are you mad?
>When you never complain to people who are in a superior social position to you but go straight for the easy targets
>When despite being more at risk from a 9 to 5er coming out of a pub or a family member, you think mad people are dangerous
>When you think a taxpayer has more worth than those who pay taxes
>When you say humanitarian entrants have come to this country to steal your job even though you are not a toilet cleaner or janitor, or say they are here for the cushy life, yes, you usually do want that after you’ve been tortured or have lost a family member to a violent regime
>When you don’t worry about a Third World that is manmade, because the running shoes it cheaply produces look good on you
>When you don’t worry about pollution or the wars that come out of oil, because cars represent freedom

Given this is what normal has become in our society, screw normal. I choose empathy!

[Imperfect]

You do empathy rather well. I laughed, cried and thought really deep thoughts - reading yours. TY. I can only give it the respect by affording you the space you have shown me. Your certainly intelligent and whilst that quality scares the hell out of me; your words likewise inspire me. That's quite a contribution you made regarding the message board. : ) So true.

I could feel the brutality in your sharing as well. I went to wiki for further reading. The essence of bullying being another powerful thing that stuck through that read. Demographics and the political nature of your story very revealing. When my son went for his first job - his ability was first assessed on "what do your parents do?" I really felt for the kid but he handled it well. He told them all about my hobbies. : ) Dad has a HUGE Dobsonian Telescope he uses waiting in anticipation for responders to the Pioneer and Jupiter Plaques.

Just between you and the others ... Dahila and I can't wait for them arrive. :

[Imperfect]

Yea ... I too need to be careful of becoming that which I fear.

Hey ... I used to work in a saw mill. Similarities is all. : )

[rosspark]

The problem is so many reports of "visitors" includes physical and sexual abuse. What does that mean?

[rosspark]

Yea ... I too need to be careful of becoming that which I fear.
We all do. Be pure, be vigilant, behave;)


Hey ... I used to work in a saw mill. Similarities is all. : )
Then you'd be well aware of the class conditions:) Owing to the nature of the industry conditions for loggers differ considerably from those of most workers. Situated in thinly settled forest regions, lumber camps are, to a great extent, cut off from civilisation. The resulting conditions are a peculiar mixture of capitalism and feudalism, civilisation and barbarism. Each camp is a community by itself – a unit in the industrial empire of a lumber "trust" – and is ruled by a foreman who has the powers of a petty czar. The company not only plays the part of employer but also that of hotel and store keeper. In supplying food and shelter they have a complete monopoly, and are practically free from all restrictions which ordinarily apply to hotel and restaurant keepers. Sanitary conditions which prevail in camps would not be tolerated elsewhere; in towns or cities they would be a menace to the health of society, which means the "better classes" or bourgeois element. But the welfare of workers is no consideration. Intelligent stock breeders feed their cattle and hogs scientifically, and house them in sanitary quarters, for they are articles of value. But wage slaves have no value; consequently they have no protection unless they are organised to protect themselves. In isolated places where the greed of capitalism is unrestricted by considerations of public health and safety, and unchecked by working class organisation, conditions fall below the minimum of civilisation and can only be described as barbarous. Few of the characteristics that distinguish the present century from the dark ages are found in logging camps. These camps are monuments to the greed of the logging barons and the servile submission of the workers.

[Imperfect]

One of the lowest paid jobs with the highest amount of risk 30+ years ago for me. Depends where on the food chain as they also had their own hierarchy.

Cool Poem. No offense, I care less for any classes. I find sheep are generated within each class as they are from birth taught to cling to said pain. Ideals ... I don't vote and care even less for politics. When I discovered the truth about religion after being so devout ... combined with the abuse I have suffered and then looking up form the gutter and seeing and being seen for so long ... I care less for politics and such BS affairs. I have struggled with following instructions let alone pretend to understand society from such a level. I never have. I do however find your insights revealing none the less.

As for the visitor and sex? If you mean aliens - Again ... I care less. Such thoughts are imprints ... negative ones that create dark entities when people go to sleep. Drama ... drama sells. I do come across more interment one's that could be classes as visitors ... visitors in my sleep. Nothing sordid about those because I don't play so much into the ideal games ... the morality game ... other than what my own being feed backs to me. I'm all about personal experience. I pay little attention to what ifs ... or at least try to avoid such pit falls ... ways of things as we are typically conditioned to think.

[rosspark]

One of the lowest paid jobs with the highest amount of risk 30+ years ago for me. Depends where on the food chain as they also had their own hierarchy
Knew you'd have experienced such industry conditions.

[Imperfect]

Knew you'd have experienced such industry conditions.

Have we met before? :) Just kidding. Although every demographic has its story, I have found most workers to be rather cruel to the non workers. It was not much different in the sawmill. Everyone was a druggy or hippy if they were not gainfully employed. It's why during the times I was able to find jobs I could do ... I worked my ass off to gain respect. Whilst this worked in some place, I was scorned for it in others.

I now know that such a system of respect is yet just another negative the system has conditioned in us. Nothing natural about that.

That said - just like in here, you always come a cross a few genuine people that makes life more bearable. Focusing on works certainly helps. On that note, I look forward to barefoot bushwalking with my grandson this morning:)

[Imperfect]

Hey Ross ... what you like doing and what you doing today?

Let me guess ... your working. lol. If so do you enjoy what you do?

I did some more charity work today and took the trailer out to pick up Stupendously HEAVY Dinning Table. :) It was a fun adventure to be sure.

[rosspark]

Although every demographic has its story, I have found most workers to be rather cruel to the non workers. It was not much different in the sawmill. Everyone was a druggy or hippy if they were not gainfully employed. It's why during the times I was able to find jobs I could do ... I worked my ass off to gain respect. Whilst this worked in some place, I was scorned for it in others.
Having recognisable impairments, I had to do the punch above my weight like you wouldn't believe in order to be respected (but never really equal), and yes continue to hate the way those who the system cause to be unemployed for whatever reason are treated with such scorn by those who reap the benefits of society. You have put it so well, I'm humbled by you.


I now know that such a system of respect is yet just another negative the system has conditioned in us. Nothing natural about that.
Freedom will exist when there is no state (oh and the centre of humanity is cruelty).


That said - just like in here, you always come a cross a few genuine people that makes life more bearable.
Yes somewhat bearable.

[Imperfect]

Hey there Ross. It took me a bit to get going today. Ended up checking into this Mental Health online Chat (http://www.healthfulchat.org/mental-health-chat-rooms.html) - I checked into the depression room and started off quite depressed myself. :) ... I smile in hindsight though. I ended up meeting an online gamer who plays World of Tanks. I shared a video with him from my channel ... one with me playing a flute. He ended up adding me to his friends list on World of Tanks.

I'm still feeling really depleted with the process of bla bla bla ... chuckles whilst yawning.

We can get through this Ross. You nailed it before with the way being supporting each other. Helping others as best we can. It feels good when others encourage us.

I have nothing insightful for tonight ... just checking in with ya. Thanks for doing the same!

The best contacts are the ones that last. ... But then nothing lasts for ever. That said I enjoy the moments as they come.

Here's to many more.

Rest well my friend. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Dahila]

Ross fantastic analysis, so many valids points, You intrigue me :)

[rosspark]

It took me a bit to get going today.
Can identify with that. While "work" forces me to physically "get going", my brain takes longer sometimes or I constantly feel like I'm tracking through a war zone and never quite fully present.


I'm still feeling really depleted with the process...
Because we were wound up to have expectations of it... that's the problem isn't it. Processes will never be sufficient when they are taken control of by those in power.


We can get through this Ross. You nailed it before with the way being supporting each other. Helping others as best we can. It feels good when others encourage us.
Yes:)


I have nothing insightful for tonight ... just checking in with ya. Thanks for doing the same!
Every post doesn't have to be insightful;)


Here's to many more.
;)


Rest well my friend. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
You too.

[Imperfect]

Hope your having a good weekend Ross?

Here's a photo outside my front door looking down towards a treeline that offers up an interesting walk. It was where I took my grandson for his first bush walk and put together the video I linked of in my other thread. This perspective makes me regret selling my drone. I will say though, other than the paranoia of drones spying on people - they are very noisy and kill the joy how I use a drone to photograph nature - and the at times people in their unnatural habitats. In this I do like people photography but losing interest as I'm not back to disconnecting from society


https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1782/43525850971_bfdce768a9_o.jpg

__________
_

Actually here is another tree line with a cheesy quote that I could give more somber meaning by adding how it's often, that I think about 'hanging' from a tree. Something in me tells me that there is a less painful way, albeit a long drawn out existence whilst living in timber and brick boxes far removed from the trees. Breaking the strong hold that binds me to these keys is no easy task whilst I seek to sit beneath the trees:



https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4222/34111314613_03a4c0a040_o.jpg



My Preferred Method for HANGING Beneath The Trees :)

https://farm9.staticflickr.com/8069/8230870503_b56dbf07d6_o.jpg

[Imperfect]

Hope you still with us Ross and that your weekend went well.

I still got plenty of crap going on. Don't let all those nature photos put you off. LOL Just kidding. There's a time for purging and a time for not. In fact going into the bush or sticks as was the case in above photo, whilst all bent out of shape can make the solace even more despairingly felt ... but I think in a good way under controlled conditions. Either by regulating time spent in that space and or by bringing a friend along.

Here is a photo I took on that same trip:


https://farm1.staticflickr.com/846/42693960415_e1be0c4a2b_o.jpg

I'm kind of in that head space right now, but also looking to nature to ease my mind. Whilst I love walking for all the good I know it does for me, I just really want nothing to do with people out in the world right now. In here is different. The singing up process is not as involved and fortunately this forum does not hand cuff us like many others. Man ... I really need to let go of a lot of shit.

I'm going through that space where once one part of the roof caves in all the rest starts to come tumbling down. My mentor left his position and there is no one to replace him just yet, the other day the Manager of the Mental Health Facility I go to could not help himself and publicly humiliated me in front of a farewell gathering. 'More complaints' ... that one being the final straw in my giving up on all my mental health supports. As related to society that is. With the way things happened for my at the Sydney Mental Health Conference ... it was to be expected. I am not aligned with main stream mental health practices and find their adaption of mindfulness and alternative strategies quite damaging due to the lack of compassion. In fact this whole thing of continually challenging and then asking people to sit in their discomfort is the focus of me 'Wife's' complaint to the Australian Human Rights Commission. SIGH ... I am smiling ... it;s another case of 'Here We Go Again!'

It's nice to see my wife upset over it though. She knows that in my most needful state with all the other stuff going on, (Quest Care Liquidation, NDIS Request for Review, National Redress, Mentor Leaving with no replacement, New Psychiatrist / Cold Case) and now this manager who is known for his overbearing manner ... Well ... my wife has a new project taking up a Discriminatory Case. It just seems to be what we do. Fair enough too. I'm feeling OK with it as it actually makes for a good distraction from the redress issue where there is no real rush ... I'll get onto that next week after we deal with "Flourish" / The manager and the associated Company. My initial complaint although at times is a little emotional highlights well the conflict I have endured trying to resist the BS methods in which they use to control ... rather than offer a place of safety and security. Just like the redress process it's all about the organizers agenda which it rarely sort for the best inertness of the byproduct.

My son summed that up quite well last during a catch up phone call. "Throwing money at the Mentally Ill - Worse Thing Ever" Sigh ... I really am over that shit. I think my wife's complain is more on par! It actually deals with core issues and how the system creates the pain and suffering.

Anwaysssss ... I accept my part in all that too. Regardless of the labels that society requires to define me ... my status ... my reason ... my required excuse as to why I am not spinning currency to which defines human worth. Time for me walk ... (I'll just avoid people - for now) ... then to get on with all this letting go.

I'll let my wife take control for now with respect to letter and all the BS paper work ... I'm going to work on finding a new wilderness spot I can reach on my pushbike.

Adios ... until next post.

[rosspark]

Whilst I love walking for all the good I know it does for me,
I'm hearing you, clocking up sixty or so k's a week.


I just really want nothing to do with people out in the world right now.
I'm hearing that too. I work in Human Services so can't escape people until I arrive home and shut the world out. I've been wanting to do that more often these past few years, and finding each year harder because I can't. My recent trip to Melbourne City was to scope my permanent exit, as I don't want to do it at home. I just have so much to get sorted at home before I can complete my will and properly finalise.


I'm going through that space where once one part of the roof caves in all the rest starts to come tumbling down.
The roof is there to prevent the world of shit collapsing on top of me.


In fact this whole thing of continually challenging and then asking people to sit in their discomfort is the focus of me 'Wife's' complaint to the Australian Human Rights Commission. SIGH ... I am smiling ... it;s another case of 'Here We Go Again!'
I’ve been down the AHRC path several times in the past. Howard’s outgoing legacy was to strip away their powers, so conciliation is all you have and if a resolution can’t be reached that way, it’s off to the Federal Circuit Court and if you lose, the accused comes after you for full legal costs. Conciliation is not something I’m in support of after, as all it’s really about is subduing discord which is what’s required in instances of discrimination as there’s such a huge power differential in the first place.

[Imperfect]

Hey there Ross. Nice to hear from you again. I hope you get lot of what you need sorted out so you can just focus on being you sooner than later. I don't have much faith in the complaints dept but I have always found it a great way to give up and move on. My wife and I have been doing it all our lives and have found it's not just what's in the complain but how you go about it. This more so for one's own peace of mind - as well as reaching the minds of those who can effect changes. Yes in the end the corrupt system will continue as it does. That said, it is good to rock the boat when it's deceptively calm and abusing so many in that illusionary state. Sadly too many sheep. The system is good with deception this day and age.

The Freedom of Information laws where changed in NSW back around 1998 or 95 (memory failing so much gone on since then) as a direct result of the amount of information my wife and I obtained and used against NSW Dept of Child and Corrective Services AKA DOCS) - now know as Child Protection Services / Family & Community Services. Long story short a number of community services workers within that dept where backdating reports and had falsified information against myself. Other than accessing information (pertaining to myself) I also acquired a mass amount of information from doctors, schools, psychologists through my own ability to communicate (as it was back then) the end result was that after I had nailed (Through some relevant complaints commission) DOCS to the wall with their own records, other than retraining the offending government workers (which you and I would of been sacked immediately and possibly charged with a criminal offense) the governments response was to tighten laws in regards to the FIO Freedom of Information act. There was no apologizes of any form. I did however use this information elsewhere and eventually after a long drawn out 'battle' :( won custody of my son. Unfortunately the impact of all that, judging, proving & denigration on all sides (judges, lawyers, barristers and plaintives) many of us came out the other end worse for ware ... regardless of being afforded what others may call a win. Sadly my eldest son when on to become a crack addict and display all my own traits if not worse. Then hell calls my no more than two nights ago in tears apologizing for all the pain has caused. Tragic - absolutely tragic :( ... As he is pouring his heart out I think about my own shitting life and all the pain I have caused. The insanity in all this is seeing the system for what it is and how it blatantly creates suffering in its own desire to facility greed. Alas ... I understand about owning our own shit ... I get that. For now my point is despite that BS in the complaints process ... and despite my so called win ... I did get what I want through speaking out. If I had not, my Son ... all things considered as it was ... could of wound up dead. I could of wound up dead. I care less for the desire to give up attachments when it comes to my kids ... at least when so young and vulnerable. It's a justice thing I have and I don't see it as some kind of fucked up autistic trait as so many people claim that it is. I can't stand to to the system fucking up lives ... is as simple as that.

Another story already told but I quickly tell you ... was when working in the Disability Field (more so psychical and intellect impaired) - My own traits not withstanding. I was always in conflict with the way I saw the clients treated there. Although I made close friends with my coordinator and casual acquaintances within the work place, I was disliked very much by those we refer to as Koalas and even more by the admin. They treated my like they had made a mistake. I was always making notifications to breaches of polices and procedures by way of communication book. This meant that staff who were not been performing their tasks and not seeing to the needs of clients had to actually do their job. Clients were not being fed properly, allowed to wander off, their homes used as if owned by staff members with complacent acts of abuse. The company was hiring people with either no credentials or desire to really want to do the job. It as a sub contracting role. People were not being paid accordingly and all kinds of threats being held other the staff with regards $$$. I think my own background as a victim to abuse plays strongly into my 'autistic trait of justice [pffft] ) Admins response to my complaints against them, was to use the staff members who despised me for making them accountable and come up with their own accusations against me. I was cornered in an interview without any support and later publicly fired by head office in full view at a public conference. I was like WOE ... what the fuck is this about. It's kind of what just recently took place at end of last week with the manager of the Flourish Hevery Bay (Flourish Australia) mental health facility.

SO back to LIFE WITHOUT BARRIERS mob who just publicly fired me. My wife and I start another campaign like the one we did when I was self representing in the fight for me son. By the time we got through all the powers that be ... Disability Services QLD had no problem shaking the shit out of LIFE WITHOUT BARRIERS and within a matter of months after that complaint - guess what - NEW LAW IN MADE - (aprox 2008-2009)All disability workers MUST HAVE a Cert III in Disability + Relevant Studies. My coordinator (Then Boss - best boss I ever had!) I mentioned as my close friend in above story - Leaves that organisation and went on to establish his own successful Disability Company. One of the first to utilize NDIS. Of course Certifications are not full proof and will still see Koalas employed and companies still exploit in the name of outcomes and money just as NDIS is turning out to be detrimental for many of the disabled. Point is ... I feel despite the shortcoming in complaints and the corruption ... still a lot of good can be done. That coordinater who encourages me and inspires me was in fact my support person down at the Sydney Mental Health Conference - he is the one picture above.

Now ... the irony of what happened down in Sydney follows the same suit with all the above ... first I have a cuppa as this is helping me before I begin working on Notes for me wife .. regarding the NEW CAMPAIGN we are now in full swing with regarding FLOURISH AUSTRALIA (https://www.flourishaustralia.org.au/)

[Imperfect]

Systemic Abuse: My Support Person & Long Time Friend assists me in communicating my concerns at 'Flourish Australia' Community Advisory Conference 2018
Head Office - 5 Figtree Drive, Sydney Olympic Park, NSW 2127

Discriminatory Practices that Marginalize Challenging Individuals that Results in Systemic Abuse.


Outcomes Vs Individuals.

https://farm1.staticflickr.com/914/29750409538_6b09e7cf34_o.jpg

Yes Yes ... More Drama ... Better out than in:

Open Book - No one listens so as may as well just write my book in here. Note* despite a few edits, this is not polished stuff. I'm just freestyling as best I can. Terms will need to be reworded and made relevant with respect to the discrimination that is rife within disability companies that care more for their funded outcomes than they do for meeting their client's needs. Bias or not regarding my own struggles with employment, the focus on employment being the measuring stick to gauging a clients success is imo one of the major elements that exacerbates and deteriorates the mental illness of those clients, struggle to meet the prerequisite (outcomes) in order that a service provider maintain it's funding. This would be the main concern I wanted to relay, with respect to the failing events currently present to the office within my region and what I was hearing at the conference.

It could be said better, but I think my point is clear enough. I remained quite on my first day at the conference with my support worker, listening on with great interest - as he knew what my goals were and was in agreement with my intention, however did warn me to pick my moment.

All the gloss with the finely tuned laid out tables, food, drink, trimming and all else aside - All we heard that day was how grand it was that everyone was succeeding thorough employment. Such and such is no longer volunteering ... they have now flourished with paid employment. More emphasis on the mechanics of Open Employment, how flourish is leading the way in Mental Illness and Employment - Employment this and Employment that. It's important to understand the extreme relationship here between Government Funding and Employment as it relates to assisting people with Disabilities. How does this relate in terms of discrimination down the chain with those of us on Disability Pensions for an inability to remain employed?

I'll get to that. First is to understand just how strong this emphasis on the OUTCOMES and and how and why this emphasis on Paid Employment means so much, and how it overshadows those from a Volunteering perspective. How this leads to lack of encouragement for more affected individuals struggling to maintain "Daily Living!" The later is where the 'Over Emphasis' (need to be reworded) on Employment - winds up disabling those struggling already deemed unemployable. These individuals, many on a Disability Pension which requires a permanent conditions. In the case of mental illness it's not uncommon for the impairments to result from an inability to meet 'challenges.'

Challenges?

A term I will use, as is one of many concepts being used to control the flow and direction to meet those outcomes. Not everyone caving in to the pressure to fit in is on a disability. In this case, the force at which this employment outcome is pushed is quite extreme. The indignity faced down at the local employment office for those not fitting in is constantly met with deceptions and belittling. (Constant Conflict) Comes down to Living The Lie. You are encouraged to lie in your resumes, hide the truth about your barriers and list job applications that you never really applied for. On and on ... Living the lie. Whilst for some people this is seemingly easy to do ( I would argue, it eventually catches up on a person's worth and impacts greatly on mental health) It's a hole other story which leads into the petrol can episode for me ... yadda yadda. Let's just stick with the fact the the OUTCOME 'IS' MORE IMPORTANT THAN A INDIVIDUALS NEEDS! Forget about the conditioning to morals, ideals and all else that relates to how the system would collapse if we actually addressed the needs of those who clearly do not fit into said system. More meaning a collapse in the living standard of those so well equipped. The facts remain that this system of forcing individuals to not only live a lie but also punishes them when they are unable to do so. After much suffering and abuse for those unable - through all the checks and balances ... when once becomes more disabled ... they will be either streamed or pensioned off.

From there those individuals with their preexisting and now new found mental illness who are really deemed as 'Broken In Need of Fixing - In Need of Improving' are swept up be 'Community Service Providers' now coming under the NDIS. New Welfare Reforms Negatively Impacting on Mental Health with onus on ... Guess What → Job Creation. That's right. Services designed to help disabled people gives more emphasis to the support available with more focus on Job Creation than it does for the need for those with the illness.

Example: - Instead of paying for a Gym Membership - Assistance relating to Exercise in this manner can only be accessed if a Personal Trainer is employed regardless of whether the affected person is able to work out without trainer. In fact forcing some individuals to be assisted in using recovery tools when that assistance is not needed often creates more conflict so the otherwise utilized service that could of been of help is not accessed at all due to the outcomes (Job Creation) being more important than the individuals need. Do you understand where I am going with that?

So lets take that concept of failing - The systems of Outcomes Vs Individuals Needs and expose that within the POS Peers Operated Services with the Mental Health Industry.

Above more an outline to the concept in that. Personal experiences to follow:
________________________________

[rosspark]

Hey there Ross. Nice to hear from you again.
Thank you Dave. And to you also.


I hope you get lot of what you need sorted out so you can just focus on being you sooner than later.
Thank you. One of my impairments makes this harder to resolve in a timely manner, and I am struggling to hang in there in the interim but I must push through so I don’t leave a huge mess behind beyond my physical body.


I don't have much faith in the complaints dept but I have always found it a great way to give up and move on.
I have found submitting complaints in the long-term to increase risk of PTSD since underneath we genuinely want to see systemic change. Complaints raise issues individually so work entirely against that. I want systemic change so can no longer expose myself to that system.


My wife and I have been doing it all our lives and have found it's not just what's in the complain but how you go about it. This more so for one's own peace of mind - as well as reaching the minds of those who can effect changes.
In recent years organisations have been getting more and more legal advice that they don’t even have to attend formal conciliation processes so this avenue will unlikely ever effect any change.

Your detail re: the FoI is absolutely criminal but less surprising these days, sadly. I am really sorry you had to experience that. That’s why I have such a love for John Tomlinson from UQ. He started off as a Bachelor of Social Work student and his first job was in NT working for Dept of Children Services (back in the sixties). He noted the stolen generation early, and so spent time identifying each White/ European family Aboriginal children had been placed with and visited them reclaiming them and handing them back to their biological parents. He was fired for supposed misconduct, temporarily jailed and out of the experience wrote “Is Band-Aid Social Work Enough” and continues to agitate today.


Another story already told but I quickly tell you ... was when working in the Disability Field (more so psychical and intellect impaired) - My own traits not withstanding. I was always in conflict with the way I saw the clients treated there. Although I made close friends with my coordinator and casual acquaintances within the work place, I was disliked very much by those we refer to as Koalas and even more by the admin.
What is this term "Koalas"? Having a visible disability, and being articulate and knowing all the relevant legislation, I have likewise been respected on the ground by colleagues but increasingly despised by management as I no longer hold my tongue and name things up. The whole concept of accessibility by retrofit, instead of design, always forces to my prefrontal cortex what I learned from the US Supreme Court decision of Plessy v. Ferguson, that is, that separate solutions are not equal solutions. Sadly disability legislation in Australia has at its foundation the concept of reasonable adjustment which is based on the corollary that disability access needs are not necessarily reasonable when access should always be identified first as equitable and a human right. Until that language changes, separateness will come before true equality and inclusivity.

Have you seen Spike Lee's film, Malcolm X? If not, it’s really worth your seeking out. In the film Spike frames it to reinforce Malcolm’s most important message love blackness, to love black culture. Malcolm insisted that loving blackness itself was an act of resistance in a white dominated society. By exposing the internalised racial self-hatred that deeply penetrated the psyches of U.S. colonised black people, Malcolm taught that blacks could decolonise their minds by coming to blackness to be spiritually renewed, transformed. He believed that, only then, could blacks unite to gain the equality they rightfully deserved… It is equally important for us as disabled persons to recognise what it means to live as a disabled person in a physicalist society – that is, one which places its value on physical agility. When our bodies do not work like able-bodied person’s bodies, we’re devalued. Our oppression by able-bodied persons is rife with the message:
There is something wrong, something “defective” with us – because we experience a disability… We must identify with ourselves and others like us. Like Malcolm sought for his race, we must build a culture which will unify us and enable us to gain our human rights.

So back to my earlier reference to the US Supreme Court decision of Plessy v. Ferguson in 1896, famous for confirming the doctrine "separate but equal", allowing state-sponsored segregation, our current approach to disability discrimination mirrors this doctrine. That is, for much of the law establishing the rights of various minority populations, the rejection of the separate but equal mentality, articulated in the latter U.S. Supreme Court’s decision in Brown v. Board of Education in 1954, serves as the core foundation of protection for being included. As a result, under most human rights laws, the expressed goal is the creation of environments, services and technologies that are equally inclusive of all populations. All human rights laws in Australia – with the exception of disability rights laws – are based on an anti–differentiation approach, meaning that anyone has protections under the law if they are being discriminated against. Thus, laws prohibiting discrimination based on race, ethnicity, gender, national origin, sexual orientation, or age protect all citizens from any of these forms of discrimination and give all citizens standing to identify and challenge such discrimination, regardless of whether they are the direct victims of the discrimination.

In contrast, disability rights laws in Australia have been built on an anti–subordination approach, meaning that rights are only available if one is a member of the legally defined class of people protected and can prove that one is a member of the class. Thus, people experiencing disability are the only group that has active responsibility under the law to enforce their own rights and petition for equality when it is not already available. This difference means that disability rights laws are much harder to enforce, since people experiencing disability must first prove that they have standing under the law, something no other population must do under human rights laws.

In most cases, the main recourse for persons experiencing disability is to file a discrimination claim in the court system. For discrimination claims against private entities, the cases enter the civil court system, while discrimination claims against Federal government agencies enter the administrative law courts. Claims against state and local governments can go straight to civil court or can be filed with an enforcement agency for investigation. This approach places a curious burden on people experiencing disability to be able to afford legal counsel and have the time to file a case to assert their rights. Persons experiencing disability are also the only population required to prove their qualifications under the law to file a disability discrimination claim. Many cases filed under disability rights law are actually dismissed because the courts have taken a very narrow perspective as to who should be covered by the law, frequently not allowing cases to be heard because the court decides the plaintiff is not “sufficiently disabled” or something similar. Although “discrimination law has a weak history of enforcement” due to budgetary, bureaucratic, and administrative constraints, these issues are particularly prominent in terms of disability rights. Another barrier to enforcement is the fact that people with disabilities cannot receive damages against private entities under the DDA.

Given these requirements, courts have not been generally receptive to disability discrimination cases. Cases filed under the Disability Discrimination Act are lost by persons experiencing disability up to 96 percent of the time. The only group of litigants less successful in court than people claiming disability discrimination is prisoner plaintiffs, who rarely have representation by counsel. Perhaps more significantly, the High Court has spent the last two decades significantly limiting the disability rights laws passed by the Commonwealth, and many state courts and state legislatures have followed the lead of the High Court. Many states have changed state disability rights laws to mirror the limitations imposed by the High Court on Federal laws, while other states have strengthened state laws to counter the rulings of the High Court. Most distressingly, the majority opinion in High Court decisions on disability dismiss the history of discrimination against persons with disabilities as exaggerated and inconsequential.

This anti-subordination approach to disability rights also results in many laws allowing or directly encouraging the creation of separate versions in many contexts. Under various disability rights laws, buildings, public services, educational settings, and technologies – along with many other examples – can occur in separate versions for people with disabilities and for everyone else. The result of this approach is the creation of two separate versions to do the same thing, such as stairs and ramps, or the creation of an after-the-fact accessible version available perhaps years after the inaccessible version. The endorsement of this approach serves as an acceptance of separate but equal, a concept Brown seemingly rejected for all populations.

[Imperfect]

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hobbies/reading-stories-smiley-emoticon.gif ... I apologize in advance if my future response seems like I have missed many marks. I can say for now though I really like the way you engage on many angles with this post. I need more time to process as getting late for me. Cuppa and I have another read.

Thx Ross ... I know there are others here that also appreciate your gifted expression. Is good to play chess with a more skillful player. :) Your teaching is well received. I keep reading.

[rosspark]

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hobbies/reading-stories-smiley-emoticon.gif ... I apologize in advance if my future response seems like I have missed many marks. I can say for now though I really like the way you engage on many angles with this post. I need more time to process as getting late for me. Cuppa and I have another read.

Thx Ross ... I know there are others here that also appreciate your gifted expression. Is good to play chess with a more skillful player. :) Your teaching is well received. I keep reading.
After reading my reply you'll understand why you don't have to explain to me any need for reasonable adjustment, such as individual processing time;)

[Imperfect]

Just off the top of my head without really being in a state to process and reply in turn (not that I ever could at such a level is very much above my grade) ... my complaint is not one to seek damages. The way things are I am ready to give up on the National Redress NS. I am in now way educated enough to understand the legal system to such a degree. In fact it's ludicrous to think that most disabled could ever hope to follow the path so set before them in terms of the above. I can also say that it's quite sad when one considers that limited ability (hand tied) advocacy that is afforded to such a group.

Yes ... it does seem like an unlikely event. None the less I will write up what I need to write up ... I'll tell my story all the same.

Again I like all you angles. I read your response in its entirety. I apologize once more that I am too tired to even attempt to reply on such a levle. Nevertheless it was an awesome read. I am very grateful Ross. please do keep telling it like it is.

At the end of the day ... regardless of the complicated laws and the limitations / restrictions in place ... I will no longer participate and allow myself to be abused.

More to follow with regard to my own experiences regardless of how hopeless things may look. I will do what I must do so that I can move on and do more than just hope. :)

Thx again Ross ... talk soon.

AWESOME POST !!!

[Imperfect]

After reading my reply you'll understand why you don't have to explain to me any need for reasonable adjustment, such as individual processing time;)

... ... ... :)

[rosspark]

At the end of the day ... regardless of the complicated laws and the limitations / restrictions in place ... I will no longer participate and allow myself to be abused.
That's exactly what I was getting at. You diminish yourself, as you actually do get it. Like you I choose to no longer engage with the complaints process as yes it amounts to re-abuse. Remember these laws were created by the powerful, so they will continue to benefit the powerful. These policies and processes are akin to breadcrumbs, give them just enough food to survive but not enough to empower them to overthrow your system. In the words of Juvenal, "Bread and circuses, bread and circuses!"

[Imperfect]

All good. Not diminishing - Just trying to remain respectful. I'm just logging in this response so I don't forget. When I say I am done participating, I also mean I'm done doing so on many levels. Those in power only have power if you feed them. If you no longer fear them, they no longer exist.

My fears have been based on welfare reforms and the expectation for continual reviews. The same rock bottom that lead me to taking petrol can and rope into employment agency is where I am now once again at. This time however, I am more resigned to giving up the fear that was attached with the rubber stamp. Predispositions are very real for the mentally I'll, however 'acting out' is just as detrimental. I'm done dancing to the tune of my labels. I chose a new path and let others define my labels.

I have psychiatrist apointment tommorow. It will be interesting to see what he comes up with in due course. Have more sessions to go yet for that. If I get the chance I also tell him how I give up. I'll tell him I'm back into Sun Gazing and lucid dreaming once more. :)

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz