I love depression. Am i going crazy?

[metal4life]

Hello everybody!!! Its been a while since i was on here. I broke my second monitor in a year bc of adhd thats why i was off, but im not here because of this. The thing is that i love being depressed and i was good since may but i pushed myself succesfully back in this week. Willingly i wanted to be depressed and now i finally am. I sound crazy now that im writting this. I also think i never really got out of it because my hypocondria thing came back stronger (had it in my early years but disapeard) and it made me scared obviously of the death which made me scared being depressed because i thoight if i dont apreciate life maybe the universe will give me some death disease. Now im depressed and i dont want to die neither i just enjoy it right now. Some reasonsi can give:
- The emotions like pain, sadness, loneliness etc are way more intese than being happy, being haooy actually feels empty. And it makes me happy being it.
- Songs mean way more to me when they speak to me and if im not depressed i just dont feel this good feeling of it being relatable. Also movies about depression and all that stuff makes me feel so related and good. (im watching 13RW and its amazing feeling hurt and remembering my past.
- I can give no fuck about everything i just dont care about daily things and its awesome.
- Self harming is just the top of the iceberg, its soo good.
Well i dont even know why im writting this maybe just to know if im crazy. Funny thing is if someone says its normal then i would be disapointed bc i kinda want to be weird and special.
HAVE A GOOD DAY EVERYONE :D

[Ponder]

Yea - Things that make for an easy ride make for good addictions. Anything else actually takes effort. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz is making me tired ...


Alas ... I mean no disrespect and I would hate to burst your bubble, but if your truly happy being depressed; then your really no longer depressed.

Unless ... telling you like so makes you feel depressed ... but then according to your reply that would only serve to make you happy. Either way -

Congratulations on your Success! :)

[metal4life]

It makes me haooy being depressed, not the exited one no, no just a smile, maybe like a psycopath, IM NOT SAYING THIS FOR ATTENTION OR MAKING IT UP. This all sound weird but these are all real things. As i said i wasnt depresed for half a year but i willlngly put myself back in there because i like it, and i misesed it. And what is a success, im telling it now i dont like you Ponder, also on the other post i made you said a weird and not understandable answer, like youre moking me.

[Ponder]

That's ok metal, you don't have to like me, (Many people don't) but it would be good if we could all get along. In this case I won't say don't take it personally because I when I'm feeling anothers pain I can understand why they would. Take heart in knowing that I speak the way I do because it's who I am and in that sense it has nothing to do with the actions or words of others - like yourself. As I'm often told myself ... "It's not just about you" We are all in this together.

Since your trying to understand yet fail to fathom my sarcasm and see it as weird I will choose to see that as an opportunity and further explain.
______________________

1. Depression Is an Addiction. So Is Happiness. That used to sound weird to me until I slowly learned about the chemical effect of long term exposure to states of being; both negative and positive.

You ask "what is Success?" I ask "what is happiness?"

Allow me to answer with a question ... "What is a label but that which we give to it?" This is why when a doctor tells me I have 'X Y Z' it typically means nothing to me due to the fact the doctor does not know me. GPs today are more generally wrong than they are 'General' practitioners. We give them way too much power as we do our labels and blame everything and everyone; but ourselves. arrr conflict in that! Can you see it. : ) In such a way we allow ourselves to be easily led. I allow myself to be easily led. Refer to my thread as I will later write more on this. Moving on:

You seem as conflicted as I often get. I'm feeling it pretty strong in you. I further explain:


The intensity of emotions you claim that do not exist in happiness are very much alive in your response. It's like me claiming one thing but then expressing another. Struggling with my attachment whilst at the very same trying to let go. I am saying it, but not convincing anyone; least of all myself.

When I came to this forum years ago I would claim "I AM NOT LOOKING FOR ATTENTION!" yet at that same time SPELL IT OUT IN CAPITAL LETTERS! Does that make sense? Pretty weird hey? What's with that guy?

That's pretty intense is it not? Or perhaps just yelling at others in an attempt to be understood but later realizing no one hears the a message of worth when screaming myself. If anything ... I think wow ... how toxic I really be?

You broke your monitor not because of ADHD. I suffer with all those traits myself. Srry ... your not alone. But hey ... that's a good thing is it not? Yes I am being sarcastic again ... but not about the lables. I got all those and can easily go get more. You broke your monitor because 'you' broke your monitor. You allowed yourself to break it. Your responsible for that action, not the label. Alas it's much easier to blame the label which is why most people in here blame anxiety for their additional symptoms, feelings; states of being.

Thing is ... you don't sound crazy to me at all. I think you might want to sound crazy in as much as be understood in a time you don't understand yourself. Nothing wrong with that. I go though it all that time. "I want to relate..." ← Your words. You claim that being happy for you is a state of emptiness. I fully understand that. In fact I focus on being in such a state when I meditate. But here is the conflict as I am reading it - from my own perspective as a long term sufferer.

When I say I don't give a fuck - that typically means I do.
If I am to be honest with myself, I will acknowledge the word fuck is an intense emotion and question why am I saying one thing then expression another at the same time. ----http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/spiritual/meditate-smiley-emoticon.gif --- / ----- http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/fighting/bash-head.gif ... Don't worry ... were not as crazy it looks, sounds or reads. It's just frustration and we are simply just trying to make sense of things ... yet still ... we are pissing in the wind when we yell and scream like so. But that's ok too. When you need to take a piss, you need to take a piss. We live in a society that holds on too long. It's unnatural. It's only when through catching yourself in the act and admitting these conflicts as passionately as we do when expressing our pain that we experiance any kind of real growth, healing, understanding ... 'relating'

Feeling nothing is only beneficial if it provides us with space in which to grow and heal. I would reason your defiantly feeling something despite the emptiness in which you claim brings you happiness. Happiness is an illusion just as much as Success. That's my answer to your question on Success. Other than as earlier stated ... labels are only the sum of what we attribute to it them. We give them the power to be what they be. Although in this world we are easily led. Think about that the next time you see a GP. Just mere commodities in a world bent on status and materials.

Depression (music) is an addiction my friend. Balance is key. Is OK ... I get you don't like me, but I call you friend anyway as I'm not your foe. Yelling and screaming whilst saying one thing and then portraying another can be good for the soul. It's just part of the purging process. Just keep in mind we won't make any progress until such a time we become honest with ourselves.

I've been pegged as a hypocrite more than once on this forum. I'm right with ya buddy. We are all hypocrites to some extent. If we can't fathom the labels, the we may benefit from learning to ware our label well. :)
___________________________________________

Feeling empty is yet still a feeling and given your continued response it's clear to me your still feeling intently. Your alive and doing well.

Far be it for me to rob you of you apathy. But if it helps to prod you back into existence in a manner that releases more of what needs to be expelled ... then that's FANTASTIC! Or better yet ... if you benefit form all that empty space where your feeling this nothing ... the perhaps your ready for a hug. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/hug/hug-from-behind.gif

Love you 2 ; )

[Allan Rows]

I think I might have the same issue as your are. Hypocondria and the depression part. Although I’m not really depressed at the moment, I do try to be depressed from time to time as I am afraid of being happy. To me being happy is terrifying, I feel like something bad might happen when i am happy.

[Ponder]

Hey there Allan. It's pretty common although that does not make it feel any better hey? Thought that would sound better than "Your not the only one ..." Understanding why it is that so many of us feel that way does help to break the negative thought patterns that we are so attuned to. Comes down to that "all we know" aspect. Familiarity of one thing over another. We are so used to feeling down that we don't know any different and things that are seen as different tend to have us feeling guarded, rigid, wary, skeptical and so on; at least for those of us that mostly only know depression and obsession.

Obsession kind of breaks down the Hypochondria cycle well for me. It defines it well imo. Being neurotic is something that runs deep in my family. They are obsessing traits that have the mind constant ticking over the most trivial of things to a point where persistent anxiety runs into all kind of psychically illness, although something I would say secondary to the constant trauma of hypervigilant thought that knows no end. Back and forth, back and forth ... you start to move back and forth because movement of any kind soothes the bouncing thoughts. After time just like how familiarity skews our perception and makes us fear anything but depression, so too does obsessing become our soul mate whom we think we can't do without.

In those fleeting moments we are somewhat stable - as soon as we feel challenged or the mind is confronted in some way our thinking pattern kicks in with what it knows so well.

This is why I strive to always get back up and do something positive that helps break these negative thinking patterns. It's damn hard in a crazy world filled with so many holes to fall back down. None the less understanding the cycles and how our brains works does help to get back up and move on.

Just see the patterns for what they are. Balance and positive exposure is another key to that of knowledge. Knowledge only goes so far. Once you understand it really comes down to practice ... which requires a will ... a desire strong enough where one actually does the work. Does what is required to break the cycle no matter how fleeting that break away may be.

If I can't stop thinking - then I just change the focus of what I'm thinking on. I struggle very much with racing thoughts. Despite knowing how to meditate and meditate well, I still struggle everyday to slow my thoughts. I have found as a long term sufferer that the best thing that works for me is to embrace the flow and speed at which my thoughts come but like I previously said ... key is my focus point. I think now in terms of the new hobby I am researching ... I think it's like flying a kite. If my thoughts weigh me down in one area I adjust my grip by focusing towards another spot and just like that my thoughts are guided to another point where I lose myself once more only to relocate once I think I've had enough. More enjoyable I would think is the space in between ware gliding from one area to the other seems to me the most graceful part of the act. Something like that. I don't really know as I don't have a kite yet. (Never Have) Just thinking of something positive ... and it's already helping. : )

Anyways ... just saying is all. Thought I would say it in another way. Changing the way we think helps break negative thinking patterns in a way that does not require us to stop thinking. I just think Periods on no thinking is the next step to recharging when we have not been able to slow the thoughts. Meditation is good for run away train syndrome I guess. If you don't get a rest ... that's when depression leads to more chronic instability like obsessing. Usually when the depression is injected with a bit of vitality - OR - when the depression does not have us in a state of fatigue and we do in fact have energy to DO ... but our minds still in a negative state ... then comes the obsessing ... we create the drama we know so well from depression ... we now just create more pain; just in a different state ... yet still negative.

We just kid ourselves by thinking yea ... this is who I am ... it's who I want to be. Until in the same way as depression saps the energy or takes the wind out of our sails, so to will the effects of obsessive thinking. They are like two forces that keep our kites grounded. I say fuck that shit ... I would rather go fly a kite! So I go back to my researching ... still with my racing thoughts ... but at least now I am obsessing towards something I know that will help to lift my spirits in a positive way and who knows ... I'm betting I'll find that space that I figure will be so relaxing in between those insensate ruminating points.

Here is the kite I will be getting: (bit like my thoughts ... all over the place ... but it would be nice to achieve some kind of grace :) )


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvD-Z3bwFW4

Srry if all that does not sound on track or of any help. I struggle very much with depression and obsessive thoughts. I get where you guys are coming from. I just refuse to kid myself be thinking I am happy when I am not and nor do I wish to remain unhappy based on such a temping view. Been there and done that. It don't work. Not that is where you are coming from. Is good to see you acknowledging how you are feeling. That a good place to start with taking positive steps.

Keep writing, I find it helps ... I can't remember if I said welcome to the forum.

So WELCOME to the forum friend. Is a good place. No one really runs it as such ... just express as you feel.
Glad your with us.
~Dave.

PS - Let's not forget the contrast to all those expected ways of living that we are bombarded with on a daily basis. Unsubscribing from the pursuit of happiness is one of the most unlikely methods to finding peace. I highly recommend it.

[AngelaEvers]

How are you now?