Over reacting?

[toughbird]

Hi All

Merry Christmas.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while. He has always told me he finds commitment scary and fears away from a serious relationship.

For quite a while, I noticed when we go out or are in work. Whenever a woman walks past, he stares at their bottom. If we are in the pub, he looks over at a table and stares at other women.

When talking to women in work. He talks with them and starts smiling. Like flirting. He starts to eye them up and down and smiles. Whilst I am there.

Last night, he was interacting with a colleague. He was laid-back. Eying her up and smiling. All of a sudden, I noticed his legs spread wide open and he was fidgeting in her presence. I was convinced he was getting turned on.

I was hurt. Hurt by the fact that he did this right in front of me.

Today I pulled him up. He informed it's a man thing. He gets a buzz when speaking to people and he enjoys it. He tried to assure it was innocent and he wouldn't have acted on it. He couldn't deny it. He then dropped saying, he felt something was there. I questioned him on what he meant and was convinced he was referring to his feelings towards this staff member. He assured he didn't mean that and he hardly knows her. Only except they always talk when she comes to the office.

He apologised and said he shouldn't of done it and it now has made him conscious.

He said, he had it on his mind through out the afternoon.

It left me with a lot of insecurity thoughts and low self worth. Now I'm convinced if he has a choice, he will sleep with another woman if he gets a chance. That he doesn't want me. That he will cheat on me.

I'm not sure if I am over reacting. To stare a lot at different women in front of me - I can't help but feel insecure.

[Kirk]

I think it would be a good idea if he tried to make it less obvious to you. All men look, just some more then others. Blatant staring, inappropriate comments, touching and flirting could all be red flags.

[jen326]

Was this the first time you have talked to him about it or has this issue come up before?

If it's not the first time and he still does it knowing how uncomfortable it makes you then he doesn't have any respect for you or your feelings. Huge red flag.

Agree with the other poster, all men look (as do women, let's be honest) BUT I think if a person is really happy in their relationship then it shouldn't be any more than a passing glance.

[Im-Suffering]

Hi All

Merry Christmas.

I can't help but feel insecure.

Listen, you always will and in some way these feelings will invade or pervade every relationship. Merry Christmas to you too

Free will means you have the power to change any experience.

2 independent issues here,

Your insecurity, esteem, worth and value, in your personality IE beliefs - long before meeting this particular person. Thus it's your issue to resolve. You've had these thoughts, feelings since childhood. Bout time to rid yourself of them, and feel good about you, before entering a relationship.

2nd - His own beliefs and issues, esteem, worth, and value judgements to which he too, had formed personality wise long before you met.

Two people with the same neurosis and psychological dysfunction drawn together like magnets to create a less than pleasant experience (relationship) for learning and personal growth. The universe brought you together to heal your own crap so you can avoid a life of this kind of shit. Getting rid of your crap frees you up for happiness and fulfillment

Take it or leave my advice, I'm too fuckin old to worry about it.

[Dahila]

IMS is it good to see you or bad, sorry I am selfish and happy to see you posting. This forum without you lost the appeal to me :)

[Ponder]

Now now D - what about all the effervescence this place has to offer. You know ... all the spritley activity that bubbles over with lots of anxiety and depression. Surely you don't miss that? :P

[Im-Suffering]

55 years old and I'm finally growing up. Feels like infancy lasts 60 years. This life gig is fuckin brutal. Like a sick joke.

I've come to believe it's nihilistic. There is no meaning other than the forced meaning spoon fed through misguided brainwashing, intentional or not, starting from birth onward. Then you spend an entire life dealing with the errors in judgement you just learned. Like our lucky friend up there, the OP and anyone else.

Ah, to be 20 again, with such a bright future filled with pain, ignorance and stupidity.

Sins of the father (and mother) passed to the son, indeed !. Anxiety ends when your too fuckin old to give a shit, about anything, or dead. I'm quite sure, even after death, there's more of the same. Where is the fuckin peace?

[Im-Suffering]

Perfect example is the OP. Coming here looking for meaning, "just a little self worth please?". Make me feel good. And she's looking for her own esteem in some scumbag piece of shit. Nihilism. Her own basic inherent integrity is destroyed because the places, people, things, actions, thoughts, desires she was taught to find meaning in are bullshit. Happy dealing with another 50 years of anxiety, illness, and all the fun ! - as her (distorted, fake, erroneous, misguided) expectations are continually let down.

Sorry kid if your reading this, bummer

[Im-Suffering]

Birth is what? Right, painful.

For the baby. And to lessen that pain they get a good slap. Who the fuck are you? What is this place? Where am I? The first feeling is pain... Add to that a constant bombardment of false ideas from idiot parents,tv, the world, and others, and it's all down hill from there. Not a fuckin chance for clarity, enlightenment, peace, integrity, grace, until that baby turns 60+, and then just maybe they learn to not give a fuck anymore about the idiotic beliefs and teachings of the moronic people in their lives, and life begins as they begin to think for themselves. Then, they die.

The spirit world in which that baby inhabited is now replaced with a noisy, hectic, hazardous, chaotic, low density environment where if you stub your toe it fuckin hurts. If Mom doesn't hold you it hurts, if you are not nurtured it fuckin hurts. And people wonder why they come here a twitching, aching, palpitating, nervous wreck.

Why they accept less than, why they are shit on and take it like the OP.

The walking dead, indeed.

[Ponder]

I'm supposed to be sleeping, but instead wound up reading this. Well said IMS. Someone has to say it. Have to take the bottle out of the mouth some time. I'm still struggling with it.

[Dahila]

Yes , he said what we all think ;)

[martin05]

If your boyfriend isn't intentionally doing what he's doing, he needs to work on changing his habits. If he is intentionally doing what he's doing, then he's a bit of a jerk.

Either way, if he doesn't stop his behavior pretty soon, it's a pretty obvious sign he doesn't respect you as much as he should. The best thing to do then would be to dump him and find somebody who brings you less stress.

[Unheard Princess]

Have you tried writing and/or meditating? I find that both help me focus and find clarity.

[Anne1221]

The problem is he is making you feel insecure about yourself and that is wrong. It reminds me of what I heard one time told to someone I know..."On a heterosexual scale of 1 to 10, you're an 11". This meant he noticed and got turned on by women waay more than the average man. Remember this: he is making you feel poorly about yourself. Huge red flag.

[Anne1221]

Oh yeah, you can check out women but don't be so obvious about it and don't do it while the woman you're with is standing there watching you do it.

[Twichard]

Hi i can't answer for everyman but i have been with married for 20 year's and with my wife for 26 year's and as long as we have been together i can say ive never flirted with another or ever disrespected my wife by looking at other women to me they're just another person i only have eyes for my wife i don't agree with people that think its ok just looking thats how relationships start

[nathalia1011]

sometimes we cant control our temper