I want to break free...

[Silmarwen18]

Oh how I wish I was simply singing a Queen song right now....

I so desperately need an escape from life right about now...

The last 6 years of my life have been incredibly hard. I stopped talking to my biological dad because he's a raging alcoholic, My husband was diagnosed with Leukaemia at just 29, my mum almost died due to hysterectomy surgery, my grandad was diagnosed with Kidney cancer, my nana passed away, my step dad (whom I just call Dad :) ) contracted pneumonia and my uncle has been diagnosed with brain cancer with treatments to start November.

Both times my husband and I have taken time off of work in the last 3 years we've both gotten extremely unwell.

However on the bright side, my husbands treatments are very successful and we were able to try for a baby as of May. We conceived in September with out little miracle due at the end of next May.

I'm just so overly anxious and stressed its causing chest pain and insomnia. Some of the very few people we've told have thrown our announcement back in our faces and told us we shouldn't have said anything in case we loose the baby. I'd never had the thought my miracle baby might die... Now its all I think about.... will there be a heartbeat at 12 weeks? will I miscarry in the mean time? Should I continue to be excited about the life I'm growing in case something happens?

Not to mention when I went to dinner with my family over the weekend they told me they were concerned I was 'obessed' with the baby because its all I talk about.... real nice... would they rather I spoke about nothing but my shitty job, written off car, sick family members and lack of time off that literally feels like its going to land me in hospital for pure exhaustion. I have literally nothing else positive going on in my life... And I get knocked back for talking about the one thing making me truly happy...

My family do it all the time... "here's a thing I'm proud of and happy about" Family: Too expensive, waste of time, obsessed, silly....

They wonder why most of the time I lie around cuddling the dog and keeping quiet at family events... im just sick of being torn down for being even slightly happy about something in my life...

I want to break free!!!!

[gypsylee]

Hiya,

I feel you and I haven’t got half those problems in my life at the moment. Congratulations on your baby though :)

My mother is very much like that — loves it when stuff is going wrong for me. My dad isn’t but he never stood up to her when she put me down. It’s only now I’m in my 40s I’m starting to realise the full impact my mother’s negativity has had on me. I basically don’t believe in myself AT ALL because she never had any faith in me as a person separate from herself. I can see where the severe anxiety comes from — I have so little confidence in myself that I feel like everything will fall apart at any moment and I am constantly hypervigilant.

All the best..
Gypsy x

[sm3392]

Ha good old queen

[Ponder]

Very sorry your going through a hard time, but glad your able to see some light of the end of the tunnel.

I struggle surrounded by a lot of negativity where my upbeat outlook is often knocked down with another's negative comment. Negativity is such an addictive drug. Whilst many people claim they don't want it, they struggle to let go of negative thinking patterns. We all do. It's easier to stick with feelings the we know so well. Familiarity to events, patterns of thinking, ways of being brings a sense of comfort even when many of these elements are painful experiences. In this way, people cling to the pain because it's all they have come to know. The longer one suffers in this way, the deeper the rut and harder it is ... to break free.

I'm careful now when trying to be upbeat around others. I say 'trying' because I too suffer from negative traits, however I am active in always doing what I can to lift my spirits. That said, its pays to consider how a bright shinning light can undermine anothers temperament who is dealing with their pain the only way they know how. It's not quite as simple as that but is the best contrast I can fathom. Contrast being something where Bright shinny lights and Heavy Hearts often don't mix. Basically I find myself having to dial myself down when approaching various members of my family; or when they approach me. I'm learning through the process of mindfulness. Being mindful of others.

This process of contrast is a regular event in families with a lot of suffering. Makes for a tricky process when factoring in different states of being mingled with multiple peoples.

I hear what your saying. My family dynamics are quite similar with systemic illness and likewise dark clouds. It sucks when you feel your the only one that's able to see the light whilst others continually bitch and moan. I just remind myself that we are all here to learn from each other. I don't think it's a case that they don't want me to be happy. I think it's more a case that sometimes I shine too bright for their temperament or the way they are currently feeling - YET ... when when there is a kink in my armor ... LOOK OUT! ... they all jump on board and highlight just how 'wrong' I am.

Here's to breaking free!!! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/horror/alien-abduction-smiley-emoticon.gif I hold out hope that my ship is soon coming. I hope yours does too. ;)

[martin05]

Negativity is such an addictive drug. Whilst many people claim they don't want it, they struggle to let go of negative thinking patterns. We all do. It's easier to stick with feelings the we know so well. Familiarity to events, patterns of thinking, ways of being brings a sense of comfort even when many of these elements are painful experiences. In this way, people cling to the pain because it's all they have come to know. The longer one suffers in this way, the deeper the rut and harder it is ... to break free.


That paragraph really hit home. Well said.