xxfairybluxx
11-16-2008, 08:46 AM
Sorry about the length of this post. I just need an outlet for all of the crap going around inside my head. Im forever obsessing about my relationship with my boyfriend and it does my head in.
A couple of years ago I was with him and I suddenly got this horrible anxious feeling in my stomach. I don't know where it came from but it was like a 'get away from me' sorta feeling. I'd never felt it before and it came from nowhere. Then, I kept thinking it and what it meant, coming to all sorts of conclusions over time. One of the main thoughts I had was that I wasn't physically attracted to him. I was but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to explain how I felt and I literally was mulling over it all of the time when I was with him and when I was on my own. Hes the most caring and lovely bloke and we get on so well together but these thoughts were always going through my mind and I kept feeling that horrible feeling. About 5 months ago, my friend asked me how we were and I told her. I said I didn't think I fancied him and we were more like friends. I said some really nasty and hurtful things. The only reason I have for saying them is that after so long of having all of these obsessive thoughts and feelings of anxiety I began to blame him for causing them and it made me resentful in a way (that sounds so horrible :cry: ). I REALLY regret saying what I did so much now. I hate myself for being so heartless.
Anyway, my mum overheard the conversation and said I couldn't love him if id said that. I realised how much of a bitch id been and I really didn't mean it. But then I thought, what if Im really not in love with him? If I was in love with him how could I say something like that about him and why do I keep doubting our relationship?
After a couple of months of constantly turning it over in my mind I decided that we should have a break. If it was love then I shouldn't feel like this all of the time right. We broke up for about a week but met up as friends to talk one night. As soon as I saw him I realised how much I loved him and how stupid id been. I always loved him but anxiety made me doubt it all of the time :( .
I hate myself for everything ive put my boyfriend through over the last year. I regret it all so much! Breaking up has made our relationship stronger though. I know i love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him :). I just wish I could undo the past! Even though anxiety rules your head sometimes, dont ever let it rule your heart. x
A couple of years ago I was with him and I suddenly got this horrible anxious feeling in my stomach. I don't know where it came from but it was like a 'get away from me' sorta feeling. I'd never felt it before and it came from nowhere. Then, I kept thinking it and what it meant, coming to all sorts of conclusions over time. One of the main thoughts I had was that I wasn't physically attracted to him. I was but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to explain how I felt and I literally was mulling over it all of the time when I was with him and when I was on my own. Hes the most caring and lovely bloke and we get on so well together but these thoughts were always going through my mind and I kept feeling that horrible feeling. About 5 months ago, my friend asked me how we were and I told her. I said I didn't think I fancied him and we were more like friends. I said some really nasty and hurtful things. The only reason I have for saying them is that after so long of having all of these obsessive thoughts and feelings of anxiety I began to blame him for causing them and it made me resentful in a way (that sounds so horrible :cry: ). I REALLY regret saying what I did so much now. I hate myself for being so heartless.
Anyway, my mum overheard the conversation and said I couldn't love him if id said that. I realised how much of a bitch id been and I really didn't mean it. But then I thought, what if Im really not in love with him? If I was in love with him how could I say something like that about him and why do I keep doubting our relationship?
After a couple of months of constantly turning it over in my mind I decided that we should have a break. If it was love then I shouldn't feel like this all of the time right. We broke up for about a week but met up as friends to talk one night. As soon as I saw him I realised how much I loved him and how stupid id been. I always loved him but anxiety made me doubt it all of the time :( .
I hate myself for everything ive put my boyfriend through over the last year. I regret it all so much! Breaking up has made our relationship stronger though. I know i love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him :). I just wish I could undo the past! Even though anxiety rules your head sometimes, dont ever let it rule your heart. x