like being in prison.....

[tirediron]

I joined a year or so back. I was having noise related anxiety issues, and my wife and I were buying a smaller home. Our old house finally sold about a month ago, and the stress of having it on the market was grueling. My "prison" is the care my parents need. They both ignored the suggestions from my brother sister and myself to downsize. They've both been in and out of the hospital all this year. My mom is in a nursing home for PT,(recovering from mersa virus), and one of us has to take my dad up there around noon, and bring him home around 6PM. I can't get anything accomplished, can't make plans, nothing. Just wait to run the taxi. I love my parents....but they have been stubborn to the point of childishness on their health issue, and now we're all suffering. They're both 85, my dad is legally blind, my mom is overweight, has had several knee replacements. Their home is way too big for them and is on 2 levels. I have no idea what to do.

[Kirk]

You are in a tough situation and may have to make the best of things and hopefully things will improve for you shortly. Maybe you can get some outside assistance to help your family.

[The Intolerable Kid]

Went through the same thing with my grandparents. We tried to support them as much as possible and, like you, suggested they downsize when their health failed. After my grandmother died, my grandfather finally realized it was time to downsize. It took six months of work, but we got that house cleaned out (40+ years worth of stuff) and moved him into an apartment in town. It was a grueling time, especially when my grandmother was sick, but we got through it. Good luck to you, stay strong.

[Boo Bass]

I'll gladly swap places with you. I'm in prison

[tirediron]

Thanks. It was really tough on my wife and I to sell our old house. We had lived there for 22 years. I had hoped that once it sold, she and I could take a vacation. Only three days before closing, (March 28th), my mom went to the ER and hasn't been home since. She wanted to stay put more than my dad did, and now we're all suffering. I asked my dad on the way to the nursing home yesterday if they had discussed what to do once my mom is released. He said he figured they would just, "go on back home". He added it would take a year to get the house on the market, (if they were going to sell), because of, "all that crap in the basement". I'm 61 and retired almost 3 years ago. I feel like they want me at their every beck and call, and I'm getting increasingly bitter about it. I just don't see where they've done anything to improve their situation...my mom hasn't tried to lose weight, she wouldn't change doctors, (I hold her current PCP responsible for the mersa), they don't want to move or even discuss it, and they want myself and my siblings to do whatever they need done.

[tirediron]

You're probably right, Boo Bass. But having worked for 40 + years, making plans for retirement, then realizing I'm stuck in the same place I've been since 1968, (through no fault of my own), sucks. The craziest part of this is that my mom went through the exact same thing with her dad back in the '80's, and swore she would never do the same thing. My conscience keeps from just saying, "screw it" and walking away.

[tirediron]

I probably shouldn't have posted this. I did a lot of soul searching yesterday, and I'm thankful I still have my parents, and thankful that I'm in a position to help them out. I hate not being able to "fix" them. Watching their health decline has been an emotional nightmare. I just kept thinking everything would go back to normal. I now know that isn't going to happen.

[Kirk]

It is tough watching relatives age and decline and sadly their is really very little if anything at all we can do about it.

[live2ndin]

OP, I have to commend you for taking such good care of your parents. It seems more and more common now a days for people to not put in the effort it takes to help our parents keep their dignity and health. It is also important to keep your health in mind when caring for others. Even though it may seem counter-intuitive, what are some activities or other things you enjoy that you can schedule into your days or week? I find that rest can really help, especially when it is intentional. Another thing that can help you feel more in control and sometimes give you more time is to keep a schedule, do you have one? Even if it is a simple one? Well done and just know we are all here to help support you.

[tirediron]

Thanks live2ndin. Mercifully, I have my sister, and brother close by. We're all in this together. It's been a tough year. In January, one of my cousins died from a stroke. We were pretty close. My Mom went into the hospital that month as well. In February, my Dad went to the ER, then to PT at a local nursing home. In late March, my Mom went to the ER with mersa virus, and is currently in PT at the same nursing home my Dad was in. I'm all wrapped up in a committee at my church, which causes stress that is off the chart. (The assistance I was "promised" always seems to be out of town, busy, etc. Volunteerism will kill you. I've told my Pastor, associate Pastor, and anyone else that will listen, that as of the end of the year, I am done. I've attended this church since 1968, but will change churches before I put myself through this again. Here's what is bothering me the most.....I am 61 years old, and retired, but in good physical health. I worked a little over 40 years in a chemical plant, and at least once a month I read where one of my co workers has been diagnosed with, or died from, cancer. How long do I have? My wife and I were frugal with our money, put both of our sons through college without any student loans, and probably lived below our means. Once retired, I thought we would do a little traveling, maybe buy a place near the water, and live out our "golden years". My parents aren't making any plans to go into assisted living, and they can't handle the house they own. I want to move out of this area, but feel I need to stay close by to help my folks. My anxiety and depression get worse almost daily. But, I try to fight the good fight.

[Barong Baj Baj]

Dude that fucking sucks. I really hope you have managed to find some pace since you posted this. But it sounds like you are fighting the good fight. Keep itup

[tirediron]

My mom was put under hospice care in late May, and went to another nursing home in early June. She passed away on July 7th, and her funeral is today. She was a pistol when she was healthy, and sharp as a tack. She read a lot. Loved the Pittsburgh Steelers. I keep replaying how all this happened, and it hardly seems real. Our biggest concern now is caring for my dad. His heart is broken. They were married for 65 years.

[jjh333]

So sorry this is happening to you. Sending some good vibes to your family.

[tirediron]

You can almost archive the entire thing here. From what was more of an inconvenience to the realization that something was terribly wrong, to her passing. I found that talking to people who had been through this helped a lot. The worry regarding my mom's condition, to the confusion about nursing home and hospital costs, plus what insurance did and did not cover, the driving my dad to and from to visit, made a wreck out of myself and my siblings. I'll miss my mom for the rest of my life, but at least I know she isn't in pain any longer.