Anxious Guy Advice?

[toughbird]

Hi Guys

Really need your support and advice here. So far everything you have suggested has been totally spot on.

Okay so me and my colleague had discussion. I can honestly confirm he has high anxiety. Bascially we really gelled today working together. I offered support. He seemed to ease up. Once he gained confidence, he made reference and agreed that we will go out sometime. At first he suggested to bring along our colleague. When I questioned why. I asked if it could just be us? I pointed out that I want to have a friendship with him outside of work and enjoy his company. He agreed but suggested to go for a coffee to begin with. He requested to give it some time before we go. We shook hands and made a deal that we go for one.

He opened up more about his anxiety especially his quality of life. All his friends have got families and married. So I know he would be grateful for a friendship.

Every once a while, I reached out to hug him as a comfort thing.

Towards the end of the day, he appeared a bit more relaxed.

When we finished our shifts, he began to feel anxious and I could see him trembling with anxiety and he rushed out to leave before me.

Is there any advice you can give on how to work with an anxious guy? Obviously I know to give lots of space and patience is essential. This is a guy who I want to support and be there for especially as a friend.

[Ponder]

It's really hard to give advice as if what works for me as an anxious guy may not work for another guy who is anxious.

I like being hugged - but it can be just as much a negative trigger as it can be comforting. To me ... given the array of maladjusted people skills this day and age, close body contact like a hand shake, pat on the back or even a hug can easily come off as condescending, patronizing and so on. Anxious people as maladjusted as they may appear, are ultra sensitive to picking up on such things; regardless of whether they guess right or not. The other aspect of closing the gap with close quarter dynamics is too much to quick. More over ... touching too soon, too often can easily spoil the broth. It may appear that one is relaxed after the fact, but the mind quickly replays events later after work. In this case it might not be uncommon for some people to think "what's wrong now? - He seemed cool with things yesterday?" It's amazing what the mind comes up with after the days events; especially in anxious people like us. : )
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Now I am not claiming anything of your events whatsoever. Just speaking out loud how the dynamics in some anxious guys may play out.

Keep it simple and don't treat him to gingerly. I random touch without much thought that comes from genuine spontaneity is the ticket. Keep his temperament in mind for sure, but also give him the benefit of the doubt no matter how much focus is on his shaky hand or quavering voice. The less attention on that subject the better. Look for the triggers - keep them in mind when talking to him but not asking what a trigger is direct ... once you know a few of those, you will be well placed to navigate everyday stuff without falling into awkward moments.
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My attention span has run out - which is another thing [as previously mentioned] ... keep it simple. Life is complicated enough. Simple is easy, relaxing and fun.
Of course I can only speak for myself.

What is simple for some is complex for others as much as what is complex can also be simple... Sigh ... which is why I work better with a genuine and simple touch. [then of course that "may" complicated things - all in good time]

Good Luck!

[JonB]

Understanding Vulnerability is helpful.

An excellent short video on this is here... https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

This video has gone viral and watched by over 30 million people!

Vulnerability is the key to connection. But for anxious people this can be pretty terrifying. I had my own personal experience of this recently.

Making ourselves vulnerable, opening up to others before we know we can fully trust them, is a key to building relationships but for anxious people lots of negative stuff can run in the background after such an event... "do they think I'm stupid?" "will the still like me?" etc. etc. All these thoughts are driven by our fears, many of which are sub conscious or dormant until triggered.

I think patience is the key for you here.