Getting Back On The Perch! - MY EXERCISE ROUTINE - Come Walk With Me.

[Ponder]

The first point of call was coming up with a Title. Now it's time to stabilize. Little by little. Time to clear the dust in my mind to set a path that helps me see; where it is that I am walking.

Let's Begin with WALKING!

[Ponder]

Got back from Gym. That's one tick off the list. Currently getting the tail end of a cyclone. No power here - just running off batteries and tethering off mobile phone. After I eat and rest I might blabber on then about my next course of action with getting back on the band wagon. I've had too much coffee of late and even had the odd cone whilst out visiting. Result has been a derailing of routine - although a welcome set back given how hard I tend to push. The problem is that it can be so easy to let the lack of momentum have me fall into a sedentary lifestyle once again.

Thus far I have been 2 years living clean - bar my latest loosening of the belt.

[Ponder]

Oh Boy, I got to be honest and say that smoking pot for me is not the most relaxing experience. If I'm going to use it like others, who claim it helps their anxiety, I need to somehow swing it so that my wife will stop holding the use of against me. :( Sigh. The latter dynamic alone is not helping the heightened sensitivity that ensues for me when kicking back with the odd cone. Other than my wife's nit picking with it (like once upon time when I used to drink) there are a few other negative side effects that are typically spawn from smoking pot - BUT - that said ... once you know these things and approach whatever method one undertakes with such knowledge - BLABLA ... what the fuck ever Dave!

Long story short - a recent new friend from group needed help with sourcing out so I stepped in as I knew a guy who knew a guy and next thing ya know - Bob's your uncle and were all having a smoke. LMAO ... perhaps not quite like that due to the fact that not everyone really wants to know each-other - instead I am running around like a blue ass fly which is what I think was really pissing my wife off more than anything else. Fair enough and not Is what it is - Sigh.

I think I will hit the treadmill to run off the haze! It only takes like 1/4 of a loosely packed cone to hit me like such. As long as I don't over do it like pretty much everything else. Yadda Yadda ...

Amazingly I have manged to keep some kind of exercise routine. Having this space for exactly that really helps.

Hope you enjoyed this entry.

Adios ... until next smoke! LOL mmm Somehow I don't think so ... I'll be hitting out a few more important session before that. Balance is key!

ACTUALLY - I found a new vid
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Which is probably best off in it's own thread BUT - as usual like most of my others it's "far out" for most folk BUT AGAIN - that's no reason not to share. Hmmm I'm just thinking of what to say about it due to my limited perspective. It's one of those "Matrix" videos. You know - Like how we live in a Prison Planet - BUT - this puts a new spin on it by explaining how it is that WE ourselves are the real prison - trapped inside ourselves: "YEA!!!!" - I thinks to myself; "Now this sounds really good." I kind of drifted in and out during the 1st Part Video as I only just got back from all the running around, had been yelled at by wife and was by then in my bed just wanting to drift with the mobile screen. I will be watching the part one again and also part two when the time is right.
.
That presentation made me think long and hard about my routine!!! Why I eat to keep clean (question what it is that I expose myself to - ie: physical, mental and environmental) - and also the way I push myself when doing - doing whatever. The focus on the thinking self was indeed a very VERY interesting topic within this presentation. I'd say the language used in the video might go over peoples head if they have not watched many of these kind of vids BUT is still quite a good watch. A lot of the Mythical and Symbolism share in this vid (similarly to most presentations like this - gets easier the more you watch - more interesting as well) had me question the story mode and ponder the correlation to the GREY ALIEN Prison Concepts that abound to which I tend to think more of as negative despite that scenario being rather quite intriguing. The latter still comes off more as yet another fear based story - I do much prefer the focus on inner being without worship of any kind or investing into any "back story"of whatever religion (Buddhism included) - because doing so - ensures no empowering of any external sources ... therefore neutralizes the what ifs like the Grey Alien/Alien Theorys → which once again whilst Intriguing is still just more fear based drama for the mind to go tick tick tick tick tick ... and so on ... you get my drift.

Who knows - perhaps part two of the following will lead into such things. LOL ... Yea yea - I guess it's way out ... Far out ... but one thing is for sure - there is certainly a lot of truth that rings true enough for me in these kind of vids. Each one I find seems to hit closer to the truth whatever that really is. As far as routine goes ... this presentation puts a really good spin on that:

Just focusing on that nothingness in between whatever ... Oh yea ... Some excellent points on meditation and on the huge fad it's become. Much on all the wanna be guru and well being mentality that leads to ego and all that jazz. Is really a great watch. Enjoy:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bw9zSMsKcwk

Took a bit to find again ... Righto ... Off to the gym for a little cardio to shake of the haze.

Have a good one guys.

Peace as best you can find.

Time stamp below - Editing done!

[Dahila]

It is good to see you Mr. Ponder :)

[Ponder]

Hi D. Just finished watching the finale to walking dead and buying a few more PC games. Not much else happening. I'm doing OK for now. How's thing on your end.

Hey ... this place feels dead ... don't ya think?

[Dahila]

Hi I am doing ok lately on the sales side so busy in workshop, I came here after a week or so not checking and bum bum is your thread :)

[salvator here]

Hi.. D, and D..

Haven't been on here lately. Don't know what to say really, been making lots of lemonade is the best way to put it, just dealing with life as best as can with everything on my plate. Haven't been able to exercise either as much as I would like, need to start up again before I get too stiff. Hanging in there trying not to let it get me (too far) down again.

Don't know, hope you're both doing well though.

Take care.

[Ponder]

"...and bum bum is your thread?" I'm still trying to work"that one out. :) Glad sales are going well.

Hi Sal - I never really know what to say. It's nice to be reading you. lol with the body seizing up from lack of movement. I am very much the same, which is why walking is so effective no matter how slow one does it.

Let's all just keep moving at least 3 times evenly spread out across the day.

I'll start by heading out for a walk this morning.
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Keep in touch guys and have a good day.

[Ponder]

My exercise for today :) Bought a new game - is yet to be released. Is one of those buy into early games on steam. I ended up getting the gaming laptop which I'm now going to need. lol. I created the need. OM MY! Just like those doctors and drug companies! Took me ages to map out my keys and still learning how to use the inventory, camera controls and all that jazz. I'm only getting like 12 to 25 frames per second on very low settings. I fluked 4th p[position out of 90 odd players. My son was helping me out though and I really just lucked it out that game. Ever since I have been getting nailed each time early on.

I best get some sleep and think about getting back into routine. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Walking and weights tomorrow.

This guy shows off the game really well. Perhaps not his first go ... but his second go he does really well ... up until the end that is.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ie1TBpjgrDM

[Dahila]

well my shoulder still hurts, nothing seems to change the situation, but the rest is good, today I am going to do my Income tax and I wonder how it comes out. You guys have a good day

[Ponder]

Thanks D ... hope your shoulder gets well soon. Be sure to claim your computer, your fuel, your car, your TV ... LOL ... start claiming all kinds of things.
Like the toxic air we breathe and all the associated health care costs spawn from living in a world of filth. Please do give the TAX man my very best. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/simpsons/bart_mooning.gif

_________________________


In the mean time ... I'll play hard for us all. =http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/simpsons/bart-simpson-smiley-emoticon.png

No distinctions between work and play for me. That is yet more unnecessary pain that sees us either above or below ... more shaming and blaming ... boo hoo. Screw defining anything! Live and let live. We choose the road we take ... don't like it? ... Then find another simply by changing the way you think.

Sigh ... enough with the edits ... get into bed, wind down .... do a slow charge ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz ... in order to greet yet another sunrise on this overpopulated and decaying rock. [you can think all you want, but sniffing the roses in the real world; changes the ink!] It's about finding a balance between; the stench and what one can create in their own world.] ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

At this stage for me ... the nights really are the best. (it changes from time to time ... so does the smell ;) )

Night night!

[Ponder]

Walk Walk Walk!!! I really got to get back into routine.

Wake Up ... Shave - Freshly squeezed lemon juice and water - then go for a walk. Stop all things sweet and savory and stop smoking that dam shit they call pot!!! At least until you get a grip once more. Too much of a good thing can kill you. Balance - I just don't spin well if I miss keeping in tune with Mother Nature; as best I know that misconception to be.

I know what works. Prioritizing the mornings (as above) so I can handle the midday stretch and then ultimately get back in the sack for some quality sleep is my most basic plan.

Lets see how that pans out.

Watching what I eat should fall into place.
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So far I have not really falling off the wagon. Almost but not quite. Thankfully I have kept myself going into the colder months now. This will be yet another year I have managed to keep myself on the rails. Although winter does not last long here. I'm fucking glad it's finally here!!!

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

Multiple anxiety attacks for the day: Some idiot changes lanes this morning and drives straight into my car!!! - Later that same morning my grandson locks himself in a room. Because the home owners and or real estate did not provide us with keys to open locked doors within "this house" (not our "home" of course! we are just fucking "renters" who live in other peoples homes!!!) I had little choice but to take to the door with a sledge hammer and gingerly smash my way in; so as not to injure my grandson. My grandson is barely 3 and is a high needs child - the room was not safe without me in it and given the screaming ... well ... they should of provided us with keys!

What a fucking day I have had. SIGH ..................................................

By law they should provide the occupants with keys to lockable doors. FUCK those complacent & toffee-nosed CUNTS. Fuck their DOOR as well!

As for my car ... I was lucky. The other guy (who was of course in the wrong) did more damage to his. I only ended up with scratches which imo did not warrant the fucking hassles of ongoing communications and or running arounds. To his surprise, I say "No worries mate. I got a few other scratches already. Life is too short. At least me and the little fella are alright!" Later though, I could not shake the feeling of how many fucking idiots are about driving on the roads. Then of course later that title one who likes to play with doors locks himself in and given the scenario of having no keys to get in; well I already told that story.

That's a wrap for now. No wonder I don't want to go outside or deal with fuckwits behind the counters or on the other side of the phone. Poor kid is scared of me now. Sigh ... I am sure that will pass. I would of gone the window, but might of smashed it in the process which would of not only been more expensive but also more dangerous. I'm sure I will gain his trust back in good time. No fucking Keys!!! Fuckwit home owners/real estate agents ... toffe- nosed CUNTS!


Keyless Entry!!!
https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2947/33072862553_9617495a50_z.jpg

[Ponder]

I think it's best I bunker back down in the one thread. Just too many fuckwits in this world ... even when your walking a straight line and following all the god damn signs ... STILL - people run into you and the complacency of others see yet more others running into someone else's shit. Time for some mindless TV! I am sure that will help.

[Ponder]

Up and at 'em! http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/gym/weight-lifting-machine-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

Good treadmill session and abb routine. Time for some Creativerse (http://www.creativersegame.com/).

[Ponder]

Morning Kickstart - Now back to Creativerse (http://www.creativersegame.com/).

Frozen blueberries - Banana - Dates - spirulina powder + 250mml water.
https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2895/33762295002_ed5d3c8c3c_o.jpg

[Ponder]

Full Length Movie on Youtube:
Here's the trailer → https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhdRYk1Y8VA


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-igT56z7K8

[Ponder]

Laptop has arrived. No rush. There is a LOT of pre-installed invasive software I need to remove. Thankfully the load in screen does not have all the picture BS wanting to sell me this or that. I have managed to remove the flashing adds from the start menu, switch off cortana as too, windows defender. So much malware to remove. Sigh. lol at all those programs that promise to make your pc faster. Things have not changed at all - just more sheep drinking from the same source.

https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2870/33950016355_0e2fc91216_o.jpg

Evening now ... time to download a couple of games overnight. My internet speed is not the great. I ended up putting on City Skylines first.
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Not doing so well on the exercise front. Was feeling suicidal the other week. Nothing too serious. Just when your fed up with life and wish it was easy to switch off ... as opposed to pondering on the pain of taking one's last breath; moreover the myriad of ways to bring about such an end.

BUT! - I always seem to have a safety reset in the brain that changes my perspective. Memory is failing something shocking though. Just too much pressure with taking things in.

Time for a new project; picking out a sports model rollator. WTF is a rollator you may ask. Why ... it's my wife's new best friend:

https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2809/33820285301_b6eb72f187_o.png

What do ya think? Looks a little better than the vintage models getting about the place. It's got a NITRO lable on it so we figure is must be good for moving quick. lol Nothing wrong with an old ladies model - is just that my wife is not really that old. At least not when she dyes the grey out of her hair. Truth be told it's been a long and hard road for her. Getting used to this contraption will make her grey hair seem like the least of her problems OR it may give her the strength to dress up and go out more often. I think we are both hopping for that latter.

Thankfully it would seem we have a holiday coming up without it being centered around city trips to the hospital and or seeing some neurologist. We'll be heading of on a two thousand + km trip to visit my son. See how he is doing with his new girlfriend we met this last Xmas gathering. There living together in Melbourne - doing whatever gets through one day to the next; which is more than admirable enough for the wife and me.
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The new friend I made a while ago through group - I decided to let go. I just don't have the strength to be around people that continually look for conflict. No one's fault - is just what it is. I really could not stand the racist remarks every time we passed someone that appeared Asian. Although I don't like much of my step father's involvement in my past, I did not like that racism he copped in a small country town where he was the doc. He was from Singapore. Currently my Son is going out with a nice Korean girl. Fact is - most of my family is multicultural ... from all over the world. So to it is with my wife's side as well. The whole Jewish saga/"thing" - minus the religious BS - has me biting my tongue when in the presence of racist types. Lest I belittle myself just like them.

I also got sick of this guy making sexist remarks every time we passed young girls. I don't mind enjoying the view from time to time, but no more than I do with that of the ocean breeze. I can get pretty crude myself at times, yet I'll spare you the details of just how degrading his remarks made me feel. It was always about the old war stories of those years gone by and bla bla bla ... I kind of knew our friendship was not going to last so long based on those few things alone.

I made the right decision - I took my own advice with respect to this person I thought I could befriend. I unsubscribed!

__________________________________________________ ____________

There's more stuff going on ... but I think I wrote enough for now. Life sure can be tough ... but then ... we do what we can to get through the pain. I guess it's all a matter of perspective.

[Ponder]

I've been decommissioned! Check out the new work horse:

https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2863/33846073642_22b822578b_z.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2863/33846073642_4b985dc3a8_o.jpg)

As renters we have never been fans of the dishwasher due to the hassle of hooking it all up. It would seem the technology has now come a long way for both the connectors and the washing unit itself. This unit came in at $300 au which considering what it does makes it a worth while purchase in my book. I have spent more on worse things. I was a bit worried it might not fit full sized dinner plate. Thankfully we got lucky on that front.

Is relatively easy to disconnect unlike a permanent washing machine. This way I can still easily wash up larger items that don't warrant the time and space in the dish washer.

Once the door closes there is plenty of space to stack and wash larger items:

https://c1.staticflickr.com/4/3939/33874109531_55acd7da53_z.jpg (https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3939/33874109531_f845b512c4_o.jpg)

At first I thought - "yea yea, I still have to rinse and stack bla bla ... " But it's actually working out all right. I'm actually feeling more encouraged to rinse with warm water immediately after using utensils and so on and then stacking them in the washer to which I then shut the door only being left with a few larger pots that take no time to clean. With the door shut and a few of the easy things out of the way it's thus way proving to be a worth while purchase that does what is says. On that note, it does a better job then me. I don't wash in nearly as hot water as I should.

Here's a couple more shots for spatial comparison:

https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2921/33846072712_ce96906ff3_z.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2921/33846072712_615dbdbc9b_o.jpg) https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2897/33846073052_137b26632e_z.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2897/33846073052_683305249f_o.jpg)

Perhaps you guys already know about these mobile dishwashers. Just thought it was worth sharing was all. It may seem like too much trouble ... but thus far incorporated the right way, I think they are awesome little machines. lol - so much for my minimalist thinking. I reason it's helping me make space by keeping the place cleaner more often. Each to their own excuse I guess.
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On other fronts:

I think I will walk over to the centre I visit and have a one on one chat about the recent depression I have been wallowing/caught up in of late. Whilst I feel I am now coming out of it, I want to utilize more (be more proactive) of the services I am currently a part of. The six weekly therapy visits I have are not enough. I am thankful they are subsidized and I have someone to see but the truth is ever since I was cut out of the mentor program; it's been hard to keep myself motivated - stable like for the long haul. I really need to think more on that fact as there is a big push for some new government scheme that may be of benefit to me ... maybe.

For now I go for that walk, have a chat and review my own mental health care plan. Regardless of whatever government services being implemented here and there ... one can always make their own plan. It's just helpful when dependent on the system to find out what's in it and use what you can.

I go utilize some of that now.

[Ponder]

_______
Halfway point of today's walk.

https://c1.staticflickr.com/3/2898/33165749754_c76d82d4ff_b.jpg


Got a good dose of sun whilst walking into town. The temps are cooling now. Down around 26 to 27 degree Celsius at the hottest part of the day. Nice breeze about the place that offers up ocean air when going the right way at the right times. Over all - It was a good walk long walk with a break half way. It reminded me of why I was doing two long walks a day. Definitely going to have to do more walking.

Back to taking photos and journaling again. Part of the cycle that works so well for me. Speaking about cycles! The above photo I took with my little shity phone and as usual processed back at home. I think it captures well the haze I am coming out of. The bikes are lined up in the front of a shed with two cars parked either side.

The bikes are going to be part of a project for the men's group I attend. Profits made from the sale of refurbished bikes will go back into the project - possibly fund a day out or some other activity. I think it will be a welcome distraction for me and also motivation to get back on a bike myself. I never really got on my last one as much as I would of liked:


https://c1.staticflickr.com/6/5157/14564083765_f28923ba72_c.jpg (https://c2.staticflickr.com/6/5157/14564083765_b514855f28_o.jpg)


Knowing me ... there's a high chance I'd become a rural road statistic. Too much traffic - but still very tempting all the same. The above shot taken a few years ago and uploaded in one of my old threads. I think I will propose a bush walking day every so often with anyone interested next time I'm in group.
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Was contacted today about the possibility of a job in the near future. I'm only considering it because the proposal comes from an old friend that I can trust. Something to ponder on later I guess.

Good day in all ... I'm guessing tonight I will sleep easy. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

I stay up late installing editing software. Still setting up the new laptop. Here is a screen recording of the game that spurred me on to upgrade:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_hKfBu0R4Q

Details of the recording in the description. (was very hard to reflect the quality I experience without recording - none the less it does show the city running smoothly enough) I was just messing around with learning how you just use the mouse to navigate whilst recording. Once I optimize the settings I'll show case the game a little better. Great game for a distraction. Nice change from rampaging the streets with a gun in hand. :) I just downloaded a saved game off the net. I find the city presented too noisy for my liking. Will find some more peaceful scenarios or create my own to share.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Here's a blast from the past. I remember spending big $$$ to get a video card to play this game. 8MB and then when I could afford it 16MB 3D Accelerated GL / VOODOO and so on.


Playing on steam with a friend using Skype. Kept this one low res for a quicker upload. Sadly my friends ping really sucked. I was too focused on the game making up for my own shity ping. 220ping was always an everage poing for me. This was the game that helped me adjust to lag. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pmvugfb7Wfs

Just checking out the latest release now:
https://epicgames.com/#

[Ponder]

VIDEO UPDATE. It's been a while since I have done one of these. I've also got to say it was a good decision starting up a new thread with a journaling approach to keeping my mental state in check. It really is a full time job keeping stable this day and age. It's on my mind to apologise if I offend those of you who actually like smoking pot. I kind of go on a bit in my random vid about giving up the weed. In fact I'll probably go on about a lot of stuff that is bound to repel others more than it does to attract. Whilst these presentations are more for myself and not so much about making friends; it's nice to think about how our words might impact others when attempting to share. Bla Bla Rar Rar ...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gu5LofpmS2M

SO. Other than what's in the description of above vid, what else am I aiming for or where is it that I'm coming from? I'll just say from the ground up. Hopefully I can keep this series of vids up without feeling the need to delete them ... at least anytime soon. I managed to create a new channel as usual which means I can just leave these ones public. Keeping focused without giving in to the easy way out, is where I feel stability is at.

- Creating Routine where it wanes at the end of each cycle - Thankfully I have some momentum going from the effort I put in before and pretty much have a self taught preprogramed approach in picking myself back up. Hopefully I can share some of that; at the very least ... keep motivating myself.

Have a good one guys.

[Ponder]

Later that same day - I did a trailer run - caught up with my daughter and grandson - prepped a few meals and started learning the keys for Epic Game's new release of Unreal Tournament:

Pre-Alpha

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHetMA2pmHA

My run is clumsy compared to this run I found on someone else's channel:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCwBt0zYwAQ

[Ponder]

Righto - that's the last of that poison gone. You know how it is these days ... have to consume it all ... even it it kills you. Hopefully tomorrow I can start fresh as suggested in my update vid. My computer tells me it's Easter Sunday tomorrow. I might see how unconditioned I have become by doing a few laps around the hockey oval. I'll be detoxing the next two weeks and mostly walking ... aiming towards a mild exercise program compared to the last 6 months. Food, Sleep, Active Recovery, and working on stress. I think working on family relationships will go a long way to helping as well.

As for the rest of the world wanting to blow itself up ... all the best to them as well.

Time for start Trek and hopefully after that and some enforced/smiles relaxation; I may just be able to sleep. :)

[Ponder]

Early to bed Early to rise now mixed in with the walking. Simple but not so easy. I can see now how I let myself slip. Little by little and then a complete cave in with smoking the pot. A very deceptive and complacent mind set that typically resorts to giving in at the first sign of effort and discomfort. Universally speaking this can be any source of quick fix regardless of legal or not.

Syncing my sleep patterns with walking and watching what I eat/consume are pretty much the 3 main keys I use to bouncing back after having let myself go.

In addition to those 3 main points ... The Transition from one Moment to the Next is a vital component to successfully seeing all key points come together. Something about the way we hold whatever is going on within us as we go from waking up, to walking, to making breakfast and whatever comes next. The way we hold our thoughts, expectations, having expectations, and so on ... the way we hold our fear, loneliness, despair, excitement, ect.

It's all new again each time for me ... which is why cycles can actually be good when viewed from the right perspective. You don't just learn how to live, receive a certificate and then that's it.

I'm always fine tuning how to live in this crazy world. I can see how it takes a life time for the important things to sink in.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

World Of Tanks - I have a hard time with both myself and others bumping into each other. I'm working on it. :)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6j9AoXow5Is

[Ponder]

Just a few days in and I'm feeling pretty good. Setting myself a clean routine always does the trick. I have been dealing with a few headaches but that's to be expected after having let myself go. No simple carbs, a reduction in complex ones as well - NO sugar but that which I eat in the odd piece of fruit. I don't juice the fruits anymore as I have discovered for myself the research is valid regarding the healthier aspect of "natural" sugars breaking down with fiber in the gut. I could write pages on what foods work for me and how important customized home processing is for ones own broken anatomy.

Fact is (after a lot of practice) ... I now have the knowledge. It's just a matter of continuing the practice. I actually made a decision a week before I gave up the pot to stop letting myself go. Whilst I was piling the weight back on ... I've now lost 2kg in the last week. Whilst that does exceed the healthy amount to lose in a week, I'm rather pleased at such a result. It just means I know I can keep my weight off and even lose it when I feel the need → without having to flog myself at the gym!!!

In fact keeping healthy without "exercise" is going to be my new theme! After this next episode I should be well place to find the balance in between. I'm already feeling confident about it. Keeping active is still key, but the mind set behind it will be somewhat different to my usual approach as it's previously been. Walking will always remain. There is no denying the benefit in that. If I do feel the "compulsion" to exercise, I will seek to use my body only. Looking at it now I can see how aids (consumer products) come between the mind of the body. Just using the body helps to tune is where it's needed most. I'll keep telling myself that.

The part I mentioned two posts back about transitioning from one moment to the next had hit the nail on the head for me.

On that note ... it's time for me to vacate this seat.

I'll install creativerse later today and do a video of that.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ No time for PC Games today. :)

[Ponder]

Yesterday was good for the most part. Group was the highlight of the day. I wish I could find more support like that. The only other real therapy I have are my 6 weekly visits to talk with a therapist. It's more than main stream attitudes that I don't like in people. I don't mind mixing with others who don't fit into generally accepted ideals. Moreover I enjoy mixing with those who question the norm and seek to make positive change. I'm talking about people typically people affected by negative gearing our society transfers so well. None the less the best place to start is with ourselves.

I figure I'll make a search today on what other groups or options are about.

[Ponder]

Just taking note of the purging that took pace this morning whilst I was out on my walk. Basically going through intrusive thoughts yet again. I think I will email my therapist and see where that leads.

[Ponder]

The letter I just did up to my therapist... was a rush job - time to get on with me day:

__________________________________________________ ________________________________________________

SUBJECT - Review & Formal Diagnosis Required

Hi Leanne - I hope this finds you well.

I am writing to ask for your help in referring me and or assisting in the process to acquire a "formal"diagnosis.
Whilst at the Child Health Clinic when my grandson was being assessed, my wife's reply to the questionnaire regarding family members mental health history was somewhat diminished by being asked "Where is the formal diagnosis?"

My daughters struggles are hard enough and now my grandson is repeatedly banging his head and throwing fits over the slightest misdirection from his own current train of thought. I am not happy with the way the clinical process is dismissing our concerns because there seems to be NO FORMAL diagnoses in my family other than me being on a Disability Pension for Mental Illness. Go Figure?

It's worth noting that as long as the system continues to ignore our reaching out by disregarding and minimizing our information by ending all appointments with "where is this formal diagnosis?" - then is it any wonder that people act out the way they do. It also goes without saying that this unchecked historical instability that's plagued my family will continue to spread throughout not only my family but also the lives of those affected by the residual effect.

Clinical Psychologist Dr Alexandra ------- informed me I was being treated for Clinical Depression, Social Phobia and Extreme Anxiety. I was encouraged to go on the disability pension to reduce the constant pressure of having to look for work that seemingly only led to repeated shortcomings that up to that stage had been adding to the clinical nature of my then instability.

The main factors for receiving the disability pension for mental illness as my wife and I understood it - was that I must be receiving help, assessed and diagnosed plus also be stable. We ended up having to get Disability Advocates/Solicitors as the Welfare Dept neglected to use my current Dr's/Therapist's Report ... The Dept used an old Report from a psychiatrist who in one visit ticked and flicked his form and regarded me as perfectly normally.; just a poor chap having a bad run. Other than the fact the Dept neglected to use the report from the Clinical Therapist who saw me regularly for 18+ months ... the pathetic psychiatrist report was 2 years old!

This is what we are working against. I need professionals that will work with me.
_____________________________



First of all ... you should know I am not doing well and think it would be wise to make an appointment at your next available time. Here is a post I made this morning online:

Whilst out this morning I was overwhelmed with intrusive images. I was reliving a violent episode between myself and three tradesman that took place over my back fence. The police came out bla bla bla. Anyways the intrusive thoughts that followed I beleive were more spawn from the fact I am still purging the violence that took place. Basically I'm now living with images of wanting to not only kill the tradesmen but also - people at random. I'm really hoping that all the Fear Mongering for World War takes place sooner than later. I hope that humans keep on their current course with all their consuming and disregard for those beneath them. I hope what little of nature is left continues to degrade and that billions upon billions of humans succumb to Epic Disasters, Chaos, Famine & Disease. I know of no God ... but pray it happens within my lifetime and am prepared for my grandson to suffer; as I am of all the little children now forsaken on this pathetic rock.

These are but a few of the "bad feelings" that emanate when contemplating the "news", gazing social media notifications, checking my email/mail, un-ticking spam & telling people on my phone whom I don't even know - to "fuck off & leave me alone!"
______________________________________



I'm asking for help ... It should also be noted that whilst I am requesting a formal diagnosis, I am not requesting to be medicated. Just because I am tethering (as is the cycle for me) does not mean I am unable to stabilize through actively involving myself in phycosocialization, active journaling, increasing my psychotherapy, reintroduction of mentoring, appropriate diet, exercise and so on. I've been at this for years now and am known as a client that takes his mental health recovery seriously. I'm also known to suffer the side effects of nearly every medication and wind up worse than when I first started.


So it is - that I will not accept having my conditioned judged on what medication I am on or am not taking. I beleive I have the right to be aligned with the decision being made as to my diagnose because unless I beleive the findings; I will not have the capacity to accept or work with proposed label.

I need to find professionals that are willing to work with me - not against me.


I look forward to your reply. As always ... TY for your time.

Kind Regards
David -------


PS - My wife may be coming to the next visit we have. I hope this will be alright?

[Ponder]

The thing that really stands out from the above information is just how neglectful the system really is - and not those being victimized; as would be the assumption of the general (sheep) population reading on. Context is everything. Professionals will bend over backwards to ensure a smooth ride in an overwhelming current - as was the case with miss information (fraudulent action) being submitted into my pension claim. The same can be said for doctors who's recommendations are not followed. It all gets very personal and too often those they are entrusted to help; wind up victimized while being brow beaten for acting like a victim. It's a fucking outrage is what that is. Now now ... settle down or else come the meds.

It was hard enough seeing my daughter slip through the net, but now seeing how the system minimizes concerns - until it is too late! ... they can kiss our ass when they pull the medication card on the little one when he makes too much noise for those koala bears! We are already prepped for atypical responses that starts in our education system - Pfft - like wise sheepish teachers! They can go fuck themselves too!!! It's all about the $$$ and complacent attitudes of lazy fuckers who dare not be questioned by mentally challenged peasants. Have you noticed the increase in cereal packet doctors who seemingly love to work against and restrict their patients? They are suppose to help, but they just make it worse. It all comes down to creating the need ... la la & la. Control Freaks ... O OH - now I'm borderline paranoid ... best keep it quiet before I'm pegged as schizophrenic and forced to take a monthly needle. LMFOA. Not Quite!

Then we have the fucked up justice system who cares to know even less (but to that which endorses its authority) and then proceeds to do even more damage ensuring it's best interest is adhered to - (like our white coat friends) - VICTIMIZES!
__________________________________________________ _

It's key not to live life as a victim - but do call a spade a spade rather than settle for bullshit terms such as "imperfect" ... LOL @ such a cop out view. LMFAO Very much so!

Righto ... time to move on. Pretty much have all the bases covered as far as my little stalkers go. You aint got shit! If anything - your intent is further road blocked and it's going to cost you even more $$$$ Hit em where it hurts and make them fight all the way. You have to build a case for yourself ... and if the system requires a protest in order to be heard ... then I suggest more people start protesting in order to path your way.

I for one think people are kidding themselves when they claim we are so lucky to have such a well defined and working system WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!!! Your simply in a good spot yourself with finely washed brain.

Adios ... until next post. Fuck the sheep and fuck the system.

It's good to highlight the pain/truth.

[Ponder]

PURGE incomplete ... due to causing loss of sleep → LOL Just kidding ... is time to once again take a break. (as pretty much is and was the case) - Focusing on the pain is not a good thing for me - is not a good time at all for me. I'm taking time out to get some professional help - WTF hahahahahahaha after all that has been said. The best help is that which we do for ourselves!!!!!!! It's more like I am taking time out to build more of a case. To regain control and defend my family from the evil system (and the sheep/self made police) that destroys all that stand in it's way; moreover those that do not comply with it's regime.

I'll be back soon enough.
Adios until then ... this nutter is signing off.

[Ponder]

Well that was beneficial. Just made some really great gains on my last session with the therapist. Now further investigating Asperger's Syndrome which has actually been brought up several times re my background and inabilities/impairments. Christ knows I have enough people constantly calling me retarded. LOL

Seriously ... this will be good to write about.

Back later as things seem to be ironing out.

[Ponder]

Actually not so easy to write - and more so wrong place. Finding a new home should be a little easier now/NOT - (Adult conditions are seemingly more complex for obvious/not so reasons) Anxiety, depression and social phobia and just but a few products to the core issues. It's easy to s/Wallow on the side effects but much harder dealing with the truth. As for manageable conditions - PFFT - Yea right ... spoken by 99% of white coats/Dr's (and many useless/lazy parents) as more meaning, "Take your meds!" Is why most people in here bow down and worship the hand that feeds them and relish their condition/S! Minus those who cling to blaming their parents. Both as fucked up as each other. The family unit concept needs to change. Yadda Yadda ...

[Ponder]

V-log Update - Here's something light hearted. When it comes to super marker etiquette the fruits and veggies just don't cut it the same as chocolate does, so whilst I may be strict on my own intake ... I just can't help but given in when it comes to the little fella - not a good habit to fall into though.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zN2PYEq8d0Y

So anyways - life goes on. I've been focusing on the routine I have with my grandson lately more than anything else. Although I am back to getting up a 5am and running laps around the hockey oval. I'm just aiming to keep fit before we head off on our first ever real holiday to visit my youngest son and prospective daughter in-law down in Melbourne. I expect we will be eating a lot and eating out whilst on the trip.

I think that's all I am going to log in this round. Don't want to ruin the vibe I got from going out with the little fella and making that vid. Innocence hey. For some it's all about how advance they become - for us in our family'it's more about finding our place in the "wrong world!"

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

In the interest in keeping it all in one place and also perspective ... reality check. I care less for all this BS people go on about called "Security"Pffft and LOL. That only silences people and stops them from speaking out.
__________________________________________________ ___________

No easy way to say it really. I struggle with being concise. Back in 69 mental health was not the industry it is today ... in 92 my eldest son was fell victim to experimental drugs that inadvertently lead him onto crack. I'm talking of Ritalin which at that time was for his ADHD. Back to my time there was virtually no such thing ... just hyper kids and all that kind of thing. OCD - ODD - ADD - onto extreme anxiety, social phobia, clinical depression all of which did me no favors being diagnosed with. I was eventually pensioned off as someone who just does not fit in.

Recently I have opted to be once again DXed as the above symptoms fail to explain when others ask what's my core inability. Things are coming more into focus after taking an interest in my grandsons apparent lack of keeping up. Likes to bang his head which can lead to hard core episodes. His mum hardly spoke but now refuses to acknowledge any limitations of her own. None the less they pretty much all call me retarded which is fine by me. Being retarded in a world like this is not such a bad thing.

My therapist says she has "No Problem" DXing me on the spectrum, which in a world gone mad on labels is not such a bad thing. At least now when they "professionals" relay to my wife - "has your husband been DXed - we might be shown a little more respect ... rather than just saying Anxiety,phobias and depression. Teachers about rolls their eyes at that ... so too most nurses, doctors and other so called professionals. Sucks to only have symptoms labeled as your DX. Confuses everyone and does little to help - makes stigma worse.

ATM - If stigma gives way to anything, its still more pitty than much else. Stigma having most people think Anxiety is just being nervous, that social phobia is because I don't want to play with Bob and the my clinical depression is due to broken nails. Not sure if anyone gets my drift.

Is good since I have been reading up on the spectrum. There is a LOT of sense in it for me. I am more able to redefine and hone current alternative methods I've been using to remain drug free.

Alas - Adult Sufferers - (latter not a choice word) no doubt make for complex cases ... but I know myself well enough, so does my long standing therapist. I think it will be tough though to find others my own age. I've been struggling to find others - online - for a long time on a number of fronts. Forums mostly. Is good that the young folk have place, and also their parents. Yet like I attempted to allude to in my intro - there is one or two skipped generations before the onset of our modern day mental health industry. Something like that.

So there you have it.

My Intro Done.
~ Dave.
________________________________________

Maybe I'll finally meet some other mature adults that understand my plight. But then again ... no matter having same DX ... whatever that may be ... we are all different to varying degrees. Just keeping the professionals happy and adjusting my fit for said boxes. Sigh ...........

Moving on.

[Dahila]

:) .................................................. ...............

[Ponder]

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/shocked/yellow-smiley-surprised-emoticon.gif...................................... .................................................. ..................

[Ponder]

Note * Received email from previous therapist and later that night cried for the first time in a while.http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/yellow-face/crying-smiley-emoticon.png

I'm off to the gym - before my contract runs out.

Currently researching no goals re my mental health plan. I think I may use in here to scratch out some notes.

Until later ... adios!

[Ponder]

Setting New Goals but Struggling with Fitting Into Criteria. Mental Health Programs whose integration are based on Workforce placements are posing a real problem for me.


Conundrum as I see it relates to my way of thinking:

4 Part Primary Criteria as set by NDIS (National Disability Insurance Scheme) is for the most part on track with the DSP (Disability Support Pension) in as much as having a disability that is permanent. (People outside of this category yet still find themselves disabled usually go on to some other "stream") The DSP requires that a person be incapacitated from the Work"force" - (quotations on the term Workforce is a separate issue that plays into my inabilities/impairments as much as it does Societies) yet at the same varioius people receiving a DSP are in fact working.

The latter is the part I need to process without getting hung up on the BS terms used to describe enslavement. My world view and all it's associated BS.
__________________________________

SO ... the level of ones limitation as assessed by the professionals and resulting outcomes to meet eligibility of mental health programs Vs "Competitors" (the latter term being an organisation's agendas) that must meet prerequisites of government funding packages.

I'll try to nail that out as there after my run or later on ... as is a dilemma for me when it comes to this perpetual focus of goal setting and success based of the WORKFORCE! That good old economical wheel that defines a persons worth. Voluntary work is sadly despised in many areas due to this conundrum. However - in the mental health field ... I think there is room for me to change my line of thinking and come up with some kind of angle that will help me crawl out of the net where currently I am feeling pressured with all the BS that's piles on top. Something like that.

I best get going running late. Hopefully I made some kind of point I can take with me on me next appointment with those in said services that would also do well to change their minds.

Adios .. until next post.

[Ponder]

V-Log 2 - Part One ... Uploaded:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mu1WuW2h3nU&feature=youtu.be

Just got a copy of the medical report the clinical therapist filled out 5 years ago that was used for assessment when my DSP was going through. Incidentally, my DSP claim was riddled with all kinds of procedural neglect / incompetence. In fact, they used an old psych report 2 years’ prior done by a man who knew nothing about me other than one visit and the results gain from that and his tick and flick method. He was just one of those doctors that deal in handing out meds. He concluded I was perfectly normal. I ended with a solicitor who as working as disability advocate representing me.

By the time we presented the facts and the proof of this reshuffling of medical reports – it was told to me (by the disgruntled assessor) the defining factor came down to the then current clinical psychologist claiming that my incapacitation was permanent. I knew it was much more than that. Since then Disability Support Advocates were axed by the proceeding government and DSP applications have been further restricted.
________________________________

I’m going to go over that report a bit latter. It’s a stark contrast to that idiot psychiatrist who claimed I was perfectly normal. You see … you don’t have to be paranoid to pick up on how many of these would be professionals allow their own bias to get in the way of their findings. It happened with the assessor doing my intake on the DSP as to the white coated know it all who’s only skill it to prescribe pills! You’d be surprised at how many of these control freaks respond personally and will not think twice to make your life hard it you do not agree and have other ideas on what and how you yourself be. But that’s another story.

On another note … just reading through that old report and have to say it’s very interesting to see how things have developed since. The new DX along the lines of Adult Aspergers and Autistic Disorders I think it a good way to go for me. Unlike Bipolar and Schizophrenia, the proposed impairments currently being drawn up can be well maintained by a number of alternative methods rather than medication. In fact, medication only serves to further disable my cognitive ability. Especially those psychotropic drugs! My “disorder” (one that the world has a hard time living with) does not pose the same risks that is the primary reason most bi-polar and schizophrenics are sort to be medicated. Harm to self and others. My tendency is to get away from others when I am in a meltdown phase. Yet another reason I am thankful to get myself appropriately ladled. I have a better chance of being heard when I explain that medications only further impede and that I do fine using a wide array of alternative methods.

Hmm … an interesting topic indeed. You got to look in-between the lines to see how and why the system acts and is what it is. Compliancy in an overwhelmed system loves to overdose. - Next!
________________________


I upload Part 2 of Vlog 2 a bit later on. Bigger file and slow download means I have time to do something else then come back later and link when down.

[Ponder]

Vlog 2 - Part 2:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hX7VL4EGm-U

[Ponder]

Being Active In My Recovery (Recovery not a choice word for me.)

Notes as follows for now - Very Sketchy.

NDIS services as requiring "funding" Short & Simple wins the race. Avoid the trap of others who become greedy. Think more on relative terms as per criteria, but more so on "reasonable and applicable" requests.
Good thing for me is that I am active in my requests. Therefore can highlight the pros and cons as pertaining to me relevant condition. More on this aspect later as have been viewing peoples responses to rejected applications.

Services sort:

1. More Psychotherapy [Gauging wellbeing and fine tuning mental health plan on a specialist level)
Why is Psychotherapy/Support important to me.


2. Buddy/Mentoring (integrative support [Social, Moral & Motivational Guidance/support] )
Why is a Buddy Mentoring Service/Support important to me.

3. Gym Membership (re – integration as above, an effective treatment to my emotional and psychological stability.)
Why is a Gym Membership/Support important to me.

Re Medications. History has proven me to be prone to most side effects of prescribed medications . My diagnosed impairments are negatively impacted when being medicated. )

Refine language to that of application ... List benefits to Social Integration & Stability as of current and also highlight periods of regression when without such supports. How Often are these supports needed. (This relates to ....
================================================== =====================

Summery for now:
Many unanswered question but so far so good. Medical reports now coming in with letters of supper soon to be sort. The Gym Membership whilst would be good (very much so despite my social inhibitions and past musings) I'm focusing more on the psychotherapy and buddy support. More on that latter as well.
_______________________

BIG DAY today ... have to clean house for inspection.

Adios until next post.

Post Script - All three services combined are in fact currently (with additional supports not listed ) part of my mental health treatment to stabilize condition; baring the Mentoring Service which I am yet to sort out. Previous Mentoring plan I benefited from are generally ceased after 18 months to 2 years running. [I] I am in the process of seeking out likewise buddy programs that are now in use for children ... but looking towards adult support as my condition is pretty much the one and the same. More on this later.

[Ponder]

Feeling wiped out of late. Keeping house up to scratch as well as the focus on my "condition" - House inspection yet again and a few other things tugging on my strings. Slowing my pace down on the track and enjoying more the walking. Waking at at 5ish help me get back on track so hopefully into bed early enough with enough space in my head to get required sleep to start it all over again.

It would be easy to give up on making any kind of claim, but if you don't ask you don't get. Sounds a little better than "gota give to get!" Half the struggle with jumping in line is not falling victim to the programming that's required. Now I understand if that sounds "way out" as in makes no sense. I'm just too tired to explain tonight. Fitting today's criteria no matter ones current, chosen and or preferred status is indeed a struggle ... and when that struggle impedes one function, then YEA ... it's time to self asses. Key word there being - SELF.

I'll go over my previous medical report when I get a change. See how far I have come ... or what sense it makes to me now. Especially with this upcoming assessment re Adult Asperges and Autism Spectrum Disorders. Whilst predispositions can make individuals more prone than others, don't think for a moment that people are only born this way. Society is creating a lot of imbalance that its counter measures are unable to stem/sustain. Settling for less is looking much better yet again.

Keeping stable in an unstable world should be contribution enough, sadly it's not. Hence the continual accountability when it comes to holding a hand out. Such is a view when one is continually looking to improve when never being able to experience being good enough.

Yea ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz When things get to that stage ... self improvement and goal setting for all their good; have the potential to become like chains. Finding the middle ground as what matters to one's true self is what really counts.

Night night. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleeping-on-keyboard.gif

[Ponder]

Sleeping on this:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=tdw7iCAUJPY

[martin05]

Do you use fluoride toothpaste?

Fluoride is said to inhibit the function of the pineal glad, which is the gland responsible for creating the feelings of mysticism that have inspired Alan Watts' and other spiritual talks.

[Ponder]

Smiles. Hello Martin. Nice of you to join me. I actually use Auromere, Ayurvedic Herbal Toothpaste (https://au.iherb.com/pr/auromere-ayurvedic-herbal-toothpaste-fresh-mint-4-16-oz-117-g/6347). I buy a LOT of consumable products from there. Your talking to a guy that spends many hours processing his own food and doing what he can to avoid excessively poisoning himself. Toothpaste is but a spec in ocean of filth; when it comes to our modern world. None the less I get were your coming from. I'm not a purest when it comes to such things, but I do what I can.

It's more my speech, thought patterns and ability to communicate that is a struggle, not so much the size of my pineal gland that is an issue for me. I acquired some brained damage over the years from a number of sources and events. My ability to feel is as good as the day I came into this world. When it comes to spiritual perceptions I have to say my unique perspective from lived experience has me well placed; despite this worlds view of my"self." The latter to which Alan helps me see, as well as reminds me → my take on psychotherapy and attributed labels being no more than jumping through hoops.

This is why I stated in the end of my Vlog 2 ... the whole saga of society and it's agendas as no more than a Game ... a SHOW. At this point ... I ride between the line. I utilize my therapist to help with alternative methods despite knowing I am jumping through hoops. In many ways my therapist has indicated that she also agrees when it comes to said hoops. We do what we can in order to live.

Thanks for the tip. : )
__________________________________________________ _

The first part of Alan's opening really hits home for me: ... and hits the mark to above text highlighted in red.


Obtain An Abnormal Awareness - Alan Watts: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=tdw7iCAUJPY&app=desktop)

"Now you see, when your identity is defined by society, you cannot resist it. You don't have the knowledge, you don't have the wisdom, you don't have the resources; to understand that something been put over on you.

You cannot but help believe, the definition of you as a free agent; but you believe yourself to be a free agent as a result of not being free. That is to say of being hopelessly unable to resist society's identification of you.

So in the whole sense of our personality, there is a contradiction, and that is why the sense of ego of being oneself is simultaneously a sense of frustration."
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ________________________________

That's powerful stuff that relates to human conditioning and the falsehood of self. The identity that we all give to our labels and like wise professionals. The above is a reality check that I often include when doing my journals ... and or jumping through hoops.

Time to take the little one out for a healthy dose of morning sun. Help keep his pineal gland recover from the cartoons. :)

Thanks again for popping in ... have a good day/evening.

[martin05]

Thanks for a swift reply!

I've only ever used fluoride, but I've been thinking about switching. Some of the literature is very convincing. Plus, there's room for a good conspiracy theory in there, too: Government keeping people's pineal glands suppressed to ensure they stay obedient to the system. Who knows??

But, yes, you're right. I suppose the pollution I have to deal with every day is a bigger issue.

Out of interest, did you notice any physical or mental changes when cutting out fluoride?

[Ponder]

Your welcome martin. I appreciate the questions. fluoride is a neurotoxin. Calcification of the pineal gland (https://www.google.com.au/search?q=fluoride+calcification+of+the+pineal+glan d&rlz=1C1AVFC_enAU739AU740&oq=Flouride+calcification+of+the+pin&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0l2.13069j0j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8) is one thing that springs to mind.

I'm just in between doing things atm but will relay my thoughts on how I have felt since cleaning up my lifestyle & detoxification a bit later in the day.

[Ponder]

Righto Martin :) ... I love a good conspiracy theory; but no more than a good mix of tunes. I have derived much from various online theories, blogs, articles, podcasts and the many other forms of media + all those resulting documentaries. Many of these concepts point towards an elite group of puppet masters that controls world wide corporations who are liken to the wooden cross-members that make up the hand controller from which stings run down into the governments to whom control the military, media, education, food and medical establishments.

O- OH ... Wall of text. Srry man.

That's a very basic break down of the controlling mechanisms used to condition the human race. Humans are born into said system. A machine that imprints an individuals identity based on a set of ideals directed and influenced by numerous variables. Free will becomes a grey a topic; as the byproduct this system sheds. Keeping the masses pacified through the promotion of desire, ownership, property, co & chemical dependency, invested emotions and beliefs is but the tip of the ice burg when it comes to controlling the masses who don't even think in terms of obedience, yet they are as much living in a prison that knows well that term. These well to do, well equipped societies remotely bomb other countries who definitely know the term obedience. They are good at staging moon landings, blowing up their own cites and having the masses beleive anything that's digitally transitioned across their 24/7 screens.

With regard to the latter, I am less hung up on having to prove one or the other. I would say my point is try not to get distracted or too bogged down on one theory Vs another. That's more for people still waking up. I refer more to the bigger picture that's reflected more in the first paragraph of this post; as being the more important wide angle view that brings home a sobering point.
__________________________________________________ ______________________

So how to free ourselves of this human conditioning. I found a good place to start was stop poisoning myself with our weekly food - let alone the quality of water coming out my tap. Actually, my medication was killing me. That was the first to go. I air caution on that point though. You really have to self assess, know your condition and weigh up the cons and pros. I disagree with "having to see professionals" → per say [contextually speaking as in the general way this cliche is used; for they are part of the mechanism] But this cautionary view comes from someone who's not so easily led ... by main stream currents/idealism - yadda yadda - bla bla and rar rar. This is where some in here think I have lost the plot. : )

I have 13 amalgamated fillings that I have been grinding for 4 decades now. I try not to get hung up on that. Whilst there is much outside my control ... I just work on those things within my reach. I just start dealing with what I knew was most toxic and most common element that was negative affecting me. I still do.

Changing to fluoride toothpaste was not first on my list.

To answer the last part of your question (srry it took so long) ... In the beginning whilst detoxing from so much crap ... I had to go through some discomfort although did it slow. It takes a long time to go from KFC, MacDonalds, Soft drinks, Cakes, chips, chocolates, dairy, meat and so on. In fact the last few things there is very challenging stuff when it comes to learning what foods work for me. My point now is ... before I could get to the point where I could feel the benefits of clean filtered water, the effects of freshly grown herbal teas; I had many months of detox to deal with. Most people give up on alternative methods when it comes to using food as medicine because they do not take the time that is required to detox and eat clean. Their bodies are simply too toxic. They struggle to digest and or break down nutrients fulls stop ... from the damage they have done to their guts. This is why people overeat to compensate for this lack of a healthy body. bla bla bla.

ME ... 2 + years on. Tap water tastes like crap! I do feel the healing benefits of "fresh" herbs, however if I stray with eating too much grocery processed food like the vegen mayo (or anything vegen in on the shelves), factory almond milk and the wide array of other "packaged health foods" ... I find my body is less receptive to interact with wholesome foods. When I eat only Fresh Fruit and Veggies my body is very much in tune (trying to avoid cooking also helps) ... drinks enough clean water and balance my acid level and eat the right way and bla bla bla ... keep my tummy light and at times fast ... I can then say that I know what foods react as soon as I eat them. Flavornoids react badly with me when I am that clean. - So to MSG ... basically all foods from the supermarket will make my skin crawl. As previously mentioned ... being that clean makes cooked food seem like a drug and eating too much cooked food does in fact have a negative effect on me. I can feel it. I just now learn what raw foods to mix in and make sure I eat mostly raw ... when I am dead on track.

BUT ... whilst I can taste metals and other poisons when doing really well ... like even feel the headaches come on when the traffic starts flowing ... I can't say I can feel much different having switched from fluoride to herbal. That does not mean I should of not switched. No way in hell. That fluoride is toxic shit. I liken it more to the slow poising of my fillings. My body is quite fucked up. Parts taken out. I have damaged my kidneys and liver as well as my brain from not only living in a toxic (traumatic episodes) world but also from self medicating from the local bottle shop to ghetto drugs ... not discounting those prescriptions ones. I've been hospitalized quite a few times and nearly died of renal failure as well.

None the less I know the body is resilient if we give it half a chance. It takes a time though ... but well worth the effort. The first place to start if you want to be free ... is to free your body. It's easy to sit there and listen to all the conspiracy theories, but being stuck in that mode is just as much trap as the theory itself. It's all in the doing - the experience. As damaged as I am, I'm still content to keep breathing as long as I enable myself, unlearn and balance my exposure as well as keep jumping those bureaucratic hoops. :) That's another 101.

[Ponder]

Morning Posts out in the Main

Now off to the Gym ... then Men's Group today ... then an appointment in town with one of the Mental Health service providers re my goals with some kind of full time mentoring/buddy program re NDIS or to persuade said providers to start a new program that does not exist. Something like that.

Might have time in between to post again. I am feeling in a good spot today. Thanks for the distraction Martin. Much appreciated. That helped.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Huge day once again. Results were quite limiting after today's talks. My own barriers with PTSD like symptoms regarding hospitals, medical centers, and various other clinical processes resultant from an extensive history of institutionalization makes that area of voluntary support work a no go for me. Thankfully during my time as a disability support worker I was given latitude over the environments I placed myself in and was appropriately assigned to clients that allowed for my own needs. This was not an option with the service provider I visited today. They expect their workers to do the whole package. If anything, this only highlighted just how much support I still require when it comes to dealing with the clinical side of things. I was quite disheartened after today. At any rate - I've been informed that NDIS has run out of money and needs an estimated 6 billion to get back on track.

I was also told that currently there are no ongoing programs designed for people with permanent mental health issues. Doing so would create a codependent situation. I was not happy with this response as it seems conflicting to the whole NDIS and DSP criteria that one must of a permanent disability. I reasoned this point and also made them aware that there own suggestion of my to reapply on the mentor program once again made their codependency explanation no applicable to me. Back at home my wife and I came up with our own conclusion. Sadly there is more incentive to be made recycling the same people that are released from limited programs only to suggest that they reapply. It amounts to the same budgeting packages that employment agencies get when long term unemployed have been in their new job for only two weeks. Now many of these long term unemployed whilst not on disability carry a host of their own challenges and I can tell you history this day and age shows that many of these newly termed "employees" are back in the job agencies three weeks later!

That is the process that led my petrol can and rope story. : ( After all the trying I have done since, after all the successes and the regresses ... after all the supports and then being released ... SIGH. I'm losing heart once again. I'm sick of reaching dead ends.

I do apologize this is not ending well. I was hoping to keep motivated in my little quest. It's time for me to change my tune ... my aims. I'll still think about putting in some kind of application but will no longer go on about it as much as I have been. I can still help out at the group I go to. We are all a big help to each other there at any rate. I'm not going to reapply and be part of that system anymore. I'm just sick of being let down and knowing now how and why it works like it does kind of just makes me more sick.
________________________________

So much for feeling in that good spot as I stated in last post. Oh well. My next Vlog will be on my last medical report. I think there is some learning in that. I'll keep doing my own Psycho therapy in here. Fuck them all. I think I am starting to ware my therapists tolerance down. I emailed her today to let her know that's just how I felt. I have not had any replies from her of late which makes me think she is not keen on seeing my as much as I would like. So that's two supports I am thinking of ditching. Both of which are tied into the system that I "exposed" two post back. I'm totally honest and open ... but when I feel like others are not; I can't deal with that shit. I'm getting too tired with having to prove myself. Its easy for others to tell my I should not have to feel that way ... BUT ... is not the feeling the media projects.

Time to delve back into some Eckhart Tolle.

I tried to make contact with my mum again, whom I have not spoken to since my brother died. Big mistake! Can you beleive she contacted my youngest daughter (vulnerable as she is) and relayed all her blame and shame saying she needed a mediator to pass on her usual reasoning of rejection ... that I had to change in order to be seen. That if she told me more about my real dad that I would understand. I don't think she realizes he too is now dead. : (

Is what it is. I was just clutching at straws in my attempt to contact her. I figured it would be nice to let her know all is good ... a healing kind of thing. Not to worry. I just politely asked that she not involve my daughter and just let her know I was only trying to be civil kind of thing. I can now literally say I have been rejected all my life on many fronts. I think in the same way I reached out to my mum is the same way I feel I must comply to society. That needy thing I admitted in my last vid.

Talk about complex cases. I think the other factor has been this living in my room on my own, no intimacy with my wife. I wish for it, but she admits her own condition is reason for her to push me away. My only problems is everyone close that I once new is either dead or still does not want anything to do with me. Now I think about it ... the whole NDIS BS has been no more than a distraction. I will however bide my time for this new DX. I'm just going to prep my paper work for any upcoming review. If society requires an outburst I am sure I can accommodate. I still have the same rope and petrol can. SIGHs once again.

Is all good. I mean not on that last count. Not unless some idiot reading on imposes their will and has three squad cars turn up at my house like last time I was feeling this way. Mother dearest's only interest in me is overseeing my words and then using them against me. Although I am think we are past that phase. We shall see. I wont say leave me alone because being alone sucks. Take it from me.

Alas ... time to go back to staring at the sun. LOL ... I can't fucking beleive I went through such a phase. Remember how I raved on about Sungazing. LOL - My camping buddy still can't beleive I did that. I can't beleive I did that. None the less - despite possibly bringing on early macro degeneration - I figure my pineal gland doubled in size. :)

Come to think of it ... I'd rather go back to staring at the sun than all this BS of trying to fit in.

I go lay in bed and see contemplate some of Alan Watts.

Tomorrow I keep up the gym work and get some sun!!!

I still have my grandson - he is a little treasure...although painful watching them grow.

I do resign to the night with a soft gentle smile that it's OK to be a complex case. I am at least interment with myself; in a spiritual kind of way :)

Here's to a brighter day tomorrow.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Early check in with therapist. Cleared up some of the confusion re lack of email responses and disconnect/miscommunication. Agreed to divert into areas that are more relaxing for me:


I took this with Galaxy S5 when residing at my last residence.
https://c1.staticflickr.com/2/1466/25829513646_28a519b564_b.jpg

I think I will delve back into healthy areas of disconnect.

[Ponder]

The following is a copy of one of my medical reports from 5 years ago that was "part" of my DSP assessment. The information in it pretty much encapsulates most of the categories entitled in this forum. I will add some thoughts after linking the next two posts. I believe sharing this may shed some light into the conditions often spoken about in here. At least from a suffer often deemed complex and eccentric by those who take him on as a cold case: (These tick and flick doctors that hand out meds don't know me anywhere near as well as the psychologists that I stick with) This was written by a clinical psychologist that I well respected. More on that later on.

Best viewed on a desktop monitor - You can always hit CTRL + to enlarge your webpage then simply hit CTRL 0 to reset webpage.

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Continued next post ...

[Ponder]

Medical Report Cont...

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[Ponder]

Medical Report Cont ...

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Thoughts to come.

[Ponder]

I make a cuppa and think a little more before I speak. Getting late here but I just want to add a few things before calling it quits. Positing this will have me better understood. Back in a few.

[Ponder]

Re my medical report on previous page: This is not stressing me out so I don't mind sharing. In fact, If I hold my thoughts right ... it's very helpful to talk about how I have been traveling. I'm about to head off to bed so not really able to cover what I would like. For now ... Just briefly:

Some things have changed and some things have not. Before DSP was granted the welfare assessors made contact again with the reporting doctor to confirm that my issues would be permanent. I mention this, because this was actually hard for myself to accept! In the beginning I did not want to be pensioned off. It was actually encouraged by three different people. The first where disability advocates who were helping me in a dispute with work men who had been building a house next to my bedroom for the last 6 months. They thought it was funny. Long story short ... It sent me over the edge. Not long after the I did the petrol can and rope episode at the disability employment agency. The lady I saw there was also nice. After she suggest that I apply for the DSP I explained about how the mainstream employment services always threw the DSP paper work at me when I was trying to explain that I no longer wanted to live let alone pretend to be someone I was not ... Living the lie I called it back then. I was ashamed of who I had become. Eventually after hearing the clinical psychologist also tell me that I would be doing myself a favor by applying for the DSP ... I gave in & now glad I did. Although I still often feel ashamed with the way stigma is often projected. When I am doing well I am not ashamed anymore. It is who I am. I am byproduct.

BUT lets move on to more positive things. During the last 5 years I have remained "compliant" - but the meds were holding me back. Despite the amazing honey moon period early on ... I crashed hard. I experience all the side effects which ended up debilitating me even worse. I started to rant and rave with more police intervention. Once that happened ... it made no sense. The meds had to go! That's how it was for me. I know other people are better suited to them. This is just how it was for me. I changed my lifestyle, lost 30 + kilograms which for me being a short bloke was a huge milestone. I don't like the word "complaint" ... to me it's a negative connotation that's used for pacification. What I have been is "Active" in my "Recovery" (another word that does not quite resonate with me) Anyways ... I have kept my Psychotherapy up for 5 years running now. I have a history of it before that too. I should write up a 101 on Psychotherapy about how to choose your therapists and make the process count.

There's quite a few mental health conditions with varying degrees mixed in that report. GAD is often misunderstood to mean anxiety that just has a general feeling about it. At least that's what I thought and I reckon most people I tried to explain my condition to also thought. My diagnoses in that report whilst explains a lot ... it did fuck all when it comes to police, employment, education and other opportunities. I kind of already explained that conundrum some pages back in this here thread. My anxiety level became quite extreme where borderline paranoia was about to be added to the list. Well it did in another report I don't have that came after this. That's when I was put on the psychotropics. It's crazy to think people now a days get it from doctors just to sleep. Madness really.

Anyways ... I am looking forward to my new diagnosis. It is intended to explain more the core issues of my cognitive dysfunction ... rather than my symptoms. Is hard to explain this late in the night for me. One thing is for sure, it's intended to create more opportunities for me when it comes to doing courses based on learning and or working. I appreciated the work that went into the above report, BUT - GAD, Depression and Social Phobia is quickly disregarded by most mental health initiatives/schemes. I know this because I am not only complaint ... I have been hugely active in my so called recovery. I have tried to get on board with many projects, but have failed in the intake because symptoms don't cut it. Something like that. BUT I understand people who have similar reports as above should be given slack. Unless you get a label to go with those symptoms ... it all amounts to JACK! Even on a DSP I get bugger all consideration on those disability schemes.

OK - that's enough of a point for now. My wife did get worse. I am on a part carers pension now. If I do get this new label of Adult Aspergers spectral disorder bla bla bal ... I'll only be able to look for part time. HUGE step for me all the same. The weird thing is though ... whilst there is not that much pressure for me compared to others, I still feel their pain. Now they are looking to take blood tests of various welfare recipients over here to make sure they are not taking drugs or drinking too much. I understand that in some cases this may be a good thing for families that have domestic violence issues - BUT I think is best left to the child welfare police. I think this new action they are promoting is just going to promote more mental health application in the near future. In fact ... I know it will. I gave up drugs a long time ago ... but when the cops do come my way, they still come in droves like I have never changed. Therein lay the problem. The system does not allow for positive growth. I could not cope going back into main stream.

People may think we are lucky to have welfare systems the way we do ... BUT ... its no where near that simple. The indignity and accountability is feeding a lot of the mental health crisis. Being on welfare is like being in prison. More so from the sense of worthlessness that comes from mud that sticks for life. Like ones record that never changes.

You can't fight it though. Is not worth it. You got to get smart and build your case. There is nothing wrong in that. Sometimes others may think your just trying to get a free ride, but they don't understand. When you see enough people kill themselves, (despite the above medical record indicating I was low risk for suicide - I did end up putting a rope around me neck twice!!!) and you no longer want to live but know can't do it because you got kids ... well then there is no choice but to start getting smart and build a case. It takes YEARS and sadly you got to suffer big time before the system can see your hand stick out of the net. It's the very essence of the term Rock Bottom .. but without actually going over the edge.

One of my strengths was not actually harming others. I mean whilst I could be seen as a risk to others ... my intentions are more to avoid hurting others, I am more an escape artist. This is where the more appropriate terms of Aspergers is best suited to me. Using terms like paranoid or DXs that have that context ... well that does the sufferer a disservice in that they are constantly prejudged. This is what lead to my brother giving up!!! and why this new hard line approach to drug testing welfare recipients is going to really breed more pain than it proposes to rehabilitate.

Anyways ... I talk too much. But is ok with me. That is what this thread is all about. I think I did OK with revealing the way I have.

I try not to cling to my labels - but with how the system is always changing it pays to keep in touch and keeping building one''s case ... if your going to keep breathing and jump through hoops ... its best to make each jump count. This is the part about not fighting the system, but learning how to circumnavigate. I got nothing to hide. When I am doing well ... I am not ashamed. It's hard to keep positive though with the way our "imperfect system" (lol @ that phrase) is - it's always pumping out fear.

I'm glad I patched things up with my therapist today. It takes a lot of work to keep that trust.

Adios ... until next post. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (This one is not so well edited ... it will suffice )

[Ponder]

Now go back to page 5 and watch my Vlog 2 Part 2 video. It "might" make more sense.

Night night.

[Ponder]

A Tolle clip a day keeps the anxiety away: Excellent description on how many of us can face our discomfort in order to grow. Granted it takes a certain level of maturity to practice this method, however I believe many of in here are at that stage. The example used that prompts this persons question may be entirely a different circumstance to many of us now. (although very much relates to my generational background / neither here nor there) Eckhart quickly relates the dysfunction in a way that it relevant to us all and outlines how it is that we can step back an take back control of uncontrollable streams of thought. Something like that. Works for me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4os0IxmGv8

[gypsylee]

This is awesome, thanks Ponder.

My anxiety is inherited/created by my mother, who as a child was a refugee in Germany and then Australia, after fleeing the Russians from Latvia. Her family weren't Jewish, so they weren't directly affected by the Nazis (like the person asking the question in this video) but did have Jews come to their house asking if they could hide there. Anyway, my mother's childhood in Europe was terrifying and the fear didn't end once they got to Australia either.

My mother seems to have dissociated from a lot of the fear as a coping mechanism and managed to be quite "high-functioning" but my brother and I both ended up with anxiety disorders. You've probably already seen me say on here he died in 2014 from an accidental (we assume) heroin overdose.

Anyway, this video is absolutely spot-on. Eckhart Tolle is certainly a wise man :)

Edit: In fact, I finished a book last night and I think I will get "A New Earth" again :cool:

[Ponder]

Yes I have read you more than a few times Gypsy and each time I have heard you touch on your brother, my heart has gone out to you. My brother also died in 2014. I was informed he was found dead on his lounge room floor by a concerned neighbor who had seen his door open for a day or two. I have not been privy to the autopsy report, however what limited information I was given suggest he had methadone in his system. He was at that time NOT on any methadone program. I do know that he was mixing prescription drugs with elicit ones for a while during that period. He had not long been diagnosed with drug induced schizophrenia and like me; was pensioned off and relocated into government housing. He died several months later in his early 40s. He was down and out during the Easter period. (Big Time Trigger for him given the mind fuck evangelical background) The mix of circumstances at that time were as toxic to that from which we were spawn. Life is hard enough without having to create more pain. A lesson that takes a lifetime to learn, albeit shorter for some than others. I blame no one for being unable to go the distance.

As long as he was seen to be praying and following God, the family refused to acknowledge him as a drug addict. It was total rejection when he was not. Seesaw affect. I knew better. He even told me he would die before me the last time I saw him. It was not so much the Hepatitis C that drove his sense of worthlessness as much as the constant rejection he received from those closest to him. Those in denial dressed him in his Sunday best and played their hymns at the cemetery, whilst those that actually knew him were "still" pushed back clear across the graveyard - standing with me - whilst they all did their thing.

The family refuse to accept his death as what's commonly termed as a passive suicide. That's putting it mildly as I'm not discounting a full blown decision at the time. I've always been the black sheep for talking too much and asking too many damn questions. Bro was despised for the way he turned to the drugs; that was until he died where they then professed what a great man he was and finally proceeded to play doll with him ... one last time.
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That's as brief as I can share on that.

My family have been rather hung up on the whole Jew thing. It's like a special badge or something. That attachment combined with their religious ideology has them more hooked than my brother ever was. They term systemic dysfunction as no more than a generational curse as something deserved. I see it as no more than an example used by a behavioral scientist to explain how instability can be carried over in the DNA. As you say, you don't have to be a Jew. Scientists also used the Irish and Potato Famine to validate inherent predispositions. Understanding the relationship between environmental factors and triggers provide us with an antidote so that we can free ourselves from said predispositions. Echkart Tolle refers to the passing on of dysfunction as Residual Pain stored up in the pain body. That body is not just confined to one but creates waves that are passed on. (both in the Now and Historical) ... It's stems across the world no matter what race. Humans and the evolution of our thinking minds/ego have come to fine tune this negative effect. Tolle's A New Earth (https://experiencelife.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/01-a-new-earth.pdf) Book really brings home how it all works. A sequel to the Power of Now. (looks like a good link that one)
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Thanks for feeding back gypsy. Much appreciated. I tried to be concise. You know me, or I would like to think you do as I would like to of you. Seems to be many similarities despite the differences.

My recent crossing of one of your posts on Tolle has been good timing for me.

I too thought that clip was an excellent find. Nice short one that sums it up very well. Glad you like it. :)

[Ponder]

Thank You Mr/Miss Dissociation - but first and really quick - re The final chapter of my mother and I:

So it was that my recent reaching out to my mum was more about healing and moving on. I had not made contact with her since 2014. I'm not going to say my mother has made a choice to keep me shunned or that I in turn have chosen one way or the other. It's as simple as both my mother and I still dealing with a huge amount of pain. Still clinging despite a life time of giving to God. A lack of taking in the full experience. Letting go on the other hand is not something that comes easily to those caught up in ideology. Conditions Apply. A term that relates to both religion and state. A form of suffering rife in both devout followers and non believers alike. More so in the context that one can't live without the other; both require the other so that they may thrive on the conflict that each creates. Creating enemies where none exist.

I'm done with all that and yet my mind still seeks to create conflict within. Is all good though. I've started meditating once again. Just simple 10 minutes silent sittings based on finding space between each breath. Ultimately transferring that technique and applying it throughout my day. This is where I enjoy staring into space. Not to be confused with momentary lapses in memory, although it may start of with such an overload. Allow me to explain:

________________________________

Thank You Mr/Miss Dissociation. Making friends with our labels. Friend or Foe?
But first I disconnect to find the space that best expresses what is meant about making friends with an otherwise very helpful, misunderstood and above all; demonized trait.

BRB :)

[Ponder]

Breathes deeply. Is good to be lightening the load within my text once again. Just being who I am. Regardless of all my faults. I've done well to bridge the gaps where once I was so hung up on people's beliefs and ideals. I admit I still am, but nowhere near as disabled as this dynamic used to be. If a God or Higher Power works for others without harming others, then I'm happy for them. I can't help but feel genuine seeking of the external will inevitable lead to within. I've even been looking into groups that are associated with various religious establishments ... but more so as a means to an end. (voluntary work & or social interaction) That's a positive step for me considering my current views and background within the church. This new ability to remain open, less easily triggered - helps me better understand spiritual teachers who use a wide array of religious text to make a point that's not really appreciated by those that atypically worship said books. This understanding of self softens my will, rather than it being a case of defense. I accept the term of cope and hope to do so of others regardless the difference in strategy. We all navigate as best we can.


SO ... What about this Dissociation Disorder? Need it be the demon it's made out to be?

Dissociative amnesia, Dissociative identity disorder, Dissociative fugue, Depersonalization disorder - yadda yadda Take your pick - which one are you today? OOOOOOOO monkey mind loves the chatter . Addictive is it not; of both sufferers and teachers alike. Akin to that process of religious ideology and patriots that require boundaries and enemies in order to exist.

My approach to reading key words and skimming to the last paragraph type of thing ... would be to question the level of disorder as it pertains to me.

But let's check out the reported symptoms:

Cut & PASTE

Symptoms and signs of dissociative disorders depend on the type and severity, but may include:

Feeling disconnected from yourself
Problems with handling intense emotions
Sudden and unexpected shifts in mood – for example, feeling very sad for no reason
Depression or anxiety problems, or both
Feeling as though the world is distorted or not real (called ‘derealisation’)
Memory problems that aren’t linked to physical injury or medical conditions
Other cognitive (thought-related) problems such as concentration problems
Significant memory lapses such as forgetting important personal information
Feeling compelled to behave in a certain way
Identity confusion – for example, behaving in a way that the person would normally find offensive or abhorrent.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________


An excellent breakdown of how our world runs. People are disconnected from their bodies due to pacification methods that help keep them numb. The fast paced lives we all live drive this inability to process feelings resulting in random mood swings with depression and anxiety topping the list. As for derealisation - is it any wonder given the society's focus on creating illusion.

To be sure memory can be an issue as too ... compulsive disorders. If we are to define normal as nothing more than a typical standard, then we would do well to remind ourselves that all these symptoms are in fact quite normal for the majority of humans. This is why most of today's Titles used into articles that actually give hope begin with the word ABNORMAL! The reason most of us struggle with memory is not so much because of physical or medical complications ... but more so due to filling our heads up with conflicting streams of thought. AKA psychobabble and or the common phase of BS! Memory dump takes place during which time we either enjoy staring into space ... or resort to finding the nearest wall and commence slamming our heads repeatedly without a thought:
http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/yellow-hd/banging-head-on-the-wall-smiley-emoticon.gif Atypical reaction when disconnection becomes a threat: Is what happens when we humans find ourselves in the space between. Attention spans of 2017!

What do I mean? Hmmmm - Tolle highlights well how the egoric part of our mind can't exist without conflicting patterns of thought and goes on to explain the negative effect of how we are conditioned. Talk about Identity crisis. Which brings me to the last symptom on list. Consider the way we are taught to identify with things, money, status, labels and names. Think of the checks and balances - the value systems we have in place that seek to reward then marginalize? Is it any wonder people are confused; disconnected from self to which the individual has no concept. (refer to Alan Watts) We seek to label ourselves as offensive or abhorrent during such times we are not complaint to the norm. If we do not blame and label ourselves it is done for us.

None the less we now live in a world that's perfect for derealisation in as much that anyone that begs to differ; is quickly told they are living in a world that's distorted or not real. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/playful/funny-burger-wagging-long-tongue-smiley-emoticon.gif

Edit ... the last fact I just hit on only drives the nail in further. ... lol @ the proposed symptom of confused. (Hang in there ... clarity will come!) It's easy to see the pattern once you have lived long enough. Get a head start ... read up on Tolle and Watts.

[Ponder]

Righto - I was just using my method to breakdown the labels and make them my friends. I love to disconnect as much as Eckhart Tolle goes on about disidentification. I was hopping to get more into that. Also the deep connection that goes on in me when I have a memory lapse ... It really is not as bad as it seems and in fact something I am able to use OR go on to use whilst in that moment ... (this is when others usually say something like "Dave You there mate?") to help me reconnect with what matters ... the truth. Something the clinical side imo is unable to do (yet there are methods evolving that provide many of us with hope - I don't mean to discount that. Is why I am working with it ... in the system but not of the system - in the world but not of the world ... la la la). It may be good at defining, but is as disabling at that same time.

Time to go to gym. No car ... will go for a walk. Might pop into the Mental Health Centre ... touch wood. :) Social aspect is always good ... good to be among peers. Might have a coffee too. Woohoo.

In the words of Jon Kabat_Zinn ... "I don't knowwwwwww!" Chanted like a monk .... "I don't knowwwwww"

Have a good day guys ... or evening.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Vlog 3 - Positive Self Talk - Affirmations - Journaling - Vlog Therapy - Socialization - Psychosocialization.

A Spontaneous Vlog Entry on the way home after a whole day out on foot:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8kyVbL_cGg

[Ponder]

Just logging in the following for those interested in observing. Just prepping some long reaching goals with a letter to my old mentor. He holds a managerial position and may be able to help or at least give me some ideas to the service limitations/boundaries I face in fitting into supported work schemes. Is just a draft and my pessimism which is more highlighting the actually service barriers at the end needs to be more diplomatically written. It does repeat my story, however he may forward this up another level and if so - a bigger picture may help.

It gets tiring going of the same old story, but like I said today ... revisiting does offer up new insights when practiced right. There's heaps of editing needed but for now ... it might make for an interesting read and with it being here in my journal I will be bound to polish it some more before sending off. All part of the process of achieving my goals. I have not been in paid employment for over 10 years now. Just a few days in supported work would do wonders for my self esteem.

Feel free to edit this draft and send it back through PM. I wish Jesse was here. He is good with the written word and keeping perspective.

Just trying to do what it takes ... to the best of my ability. Obviously I am not investing too much emotion into this and care little what others think. Different story in the work place ... although it really should not be the case.
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Hi Glen,

I hope you and your children are well. I have missed our time together but cheer up when thinking about how far you have help me come.
_______________________________________________

INTRO - Reapplying for PHaMs - Employment Goals - NDIS - Supporting Medical Documents: (Please refer to attachments)

I’ve actually been considering reapplying for PHaMs with new goals in mind. I have regressed somewhat since being released from the program however recently found some motivation through making preparations for an upcoming NDIS application. As a welfare recipient receiving DSP I fit the initial criteria in as much as my limitations being permanent. Being active in my recovery over the last 5 years and knowing well on a personal needs based level, what services work and those that don’t; have me well placed to be an NDIS applicant.
I took the liberty of acquiring the medical report that was assessed for the DSP which supports above claim of lifelong impairment. I’m actually in the process of acquiring an updated diagnosis that will clarify more my barriers which should strengthen my eligibility for work placements in a supported atmosphere that caters for mental health sensitivities. Programs for adults along the lines of Individual Placement and Support (IPS) The new diagnosis is along the lines of Adult Aspergers and Autism Spectral Disorders. More to follow soon enough.
__________________________________________________ _______

The Stepping Stone Concept Vs the Seesaw Affect:

Service Barriers for Clients with Permanent Disabilities who seek to better themselves often wind up slipping back through the net once support is prematurely removed. In many cases life time support is required to allow clients to integrate long term to their full capacity and ultimately stem the tide of ongoing systemic instability. The latter being cost effective in the long term. Hopefully NDIS will help bridge this gap.

The conundrum with the Stepping Stone Concept and its Service Dependency Caution does not account for people who require Long Term Support. It’s a fact that I do well with support, however once I no longer have it, I quickly regress. My history reflects this well. This seesaw affect alone sees many affected individuals go one step forward then three steps back. (re letter of my phycologists concerns. An ongoing support letter can be provided to highlight my deterioration. )

PEERHAPS is going well Glen. We have referrals coming in quite often. A lot from a domestic violence Refuge in Bundaberg and various other likewise places. Lisa now also volunteers at the courthouse as a Justice of the peace. In fact, Lisa acquired PEERHAPS’s first Government Grant. My role is only a small one. I’ll do house calls when required on a peer based level and help out with the website from time to time. I motivate, brainstorm, and offer up insights … once again at a peer based level.

I raise the success of PEERHAPS more to highlight my passion and focus when supported. For me to function effectively from day to day I require ongoing support. My NDIS application will showcase the success of what a mentor/ buddy program has done for me. It was an effective treatment in my stability. I also intent to reveal just how far I crashed once the support was withdrawn. My new diagnosis will hopefully give me new opportunities BUT the next conundrum I face is the Voluntary Participation Policy.

_____________________________________________


THE VOLUNTARY PARTIPATION POLICY – No incentive – No support.

Whilst on Newstart and attending a disability employment agency in ******** I often asked about supported work schemes like Individual Placement and Support (IPS). After many sessions and encouragement from multiple people to apply for the DSP, I caved in and decided to put in an application. Once I was assessed and accepted for DSP I was then promptly told that I was then a Voluntary Participant and no longer eligible for the various schemes. I gave up, went home with my only course of action to remain silent and take my pills.

Since then I have had 5 years of psychotherapy. It was not until I found your mentor program that I weaned myself of the antidepressants and psychotropics. My new DX will show just how damaging those medications were - and - are for my impairments. I took control for the first time in my life, lost close to a third of my body weight which in itself saved my life. I actively participated in all areas of my recovery. I attended painting classes, volunteered for meals and wheels, raised funds to teach computers in a mental health peer support centre to which I still regularly attend. Whilst some of these ventures did not suit I always kept motivated and moving forward. PEERHAPS being an awesome contribution that still serves the community today. Alas – I have alluded to that now being my wife’s domain.

It seems such a waste to have a policy that holds people like myself back. So it is that I seek advice on how to circumnavigate this conundrum of me being classified as a Voluntary Participant. Why must it be a case of only making allowances for those seemingly categorized as more profitable?

With the right supports I can give back so much more.

Vanguard in Toowoomba is a great example of how employers support people with mental illness.
http://www.vanguardlaundry.com.au/

I understand this is one of a kind in Australia. My friend with schizophrenia only works two 5 hour shifts a week and has massively improved since participating. Although he mixes with full functioning individuals, he also mixes with peers and is in an environment free from stigma. This is a perfect example of how to empower those of us who struggle with legitimate lifelong barriers.

____________________________________________

Summary:

1. I’d like to reapply for PHaMs or at least talk about the possibility for an ongoing support service with NDIS funding in mind.

2. I’d like to be considered for an adult Individual Placement and Support (IPS) scheme where I can do part time work with limited hours that takes into consideration the barriers to employment and education for adult people with mental ill-health, and how these can be overcome. Lest age also be a factor like one’s impairments that makes many of us economically unviable. I understand it’s an imperfect system; but that should be no reason not to push the boundaries.

Best Regards
~ Dave.

[Ponder]

This was me when I first joined the mental health centre I now attend:

I'm the guy on the right. Ignore the other fellow - He is just a mad scientist [Saul Dushman (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saul_Dushman)] my wife reckons I am related to.
https://c1.staticflickr.com/8/7546/16265222426_d220b5a4c6_b.jpg
A distinguished scientist that had acquaintances with Albert and telser ... if anything - it may account for my inability to stop thinking. My wife used ancestry.com and paid the extra fee to search oversees.
The more we looking into the records, the more misinformation there seems to be. (but with sitgma the way is was with illegitimacy no surprise there) I think Saul did a lot more with his trips to England than he lead on.
Although my wife thinks so ... I'm not that convinced. Maybe it's the Jew part that muddles the mix.

______________________________________________

I had only just started coming off my meds at this point. The back of my neck had become leathery and I was showing signs of metabolic syndrome with pains in my chest. I had to do something and make a decision that was going to count. When I look at this photo all I see is how meds did not work for me. This is the SICK me. I've come a long way since then but what remains still requires a lot of work. However like most terms we use I'm just not sure about that word.

WORK? I ponder on that a little more.

[Ponder]

Hmmmm Work Hey - How to keep perspective knowing full well the imperfections of our value systems. I can feel my mind wanting to drag me down as I work over the draft letter I did last night. I will not allow for that to happen. No Sir!

I think I will shorten my description of the Service Barriers I identify by focusing on what works. If anything my attempt at that letter has spurred my on to check out the government websites.
_____________________________________________


Australian Government Department of Employment.
Disability Employment Services (https://www.employment.gov.au/disability-employment-services)



Through Disability Employment Services, job seekers with disability, injury or health condition may be able to receive assistance to prepare for, find and keep a job.


Disability Employment Services providers are a mix of large, medium and small, for-profit and not-for-profit organisations that are experienced in supporting job seekers with disability and experienced helping businesses to put in place practices that support the employee in the workplace.


Disability Employment Services has two parts!!!

Disability Management Service is for job seekers with disability, injury or health condition who need assistance to find a job and occasional support to keep a job.
Employment Support Service provides assistance to people with permanent disability and who need regular, ongoing support to keep a job.





JOB ACCESS (https://www.jobaccess.gov.au/) [Driving Disability Employment]
"...provides information and advice on disability employment related matters. It offers help and workplace solutions for people with disability and employers."
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ____________________________________

Well that helps with learning the lingo and knowing where to look. ESS Employment Support Services is definitely the way I need to go. The way these services "hold the their cards in close" requires that I be specific in my requests; specific in my goals.

----My To Do List:



INTRO:
I think my introductory letter should include all those key words I have highlight above and directed them towards my needs. (In turn my needs should be defined around key words - the above criteria/ESS program agenda)
Support Availability:
Find out which Organisations/Employers in my area are experienced in providing Regular Ongoing Support Practices. (I need options before I can take aim!)
Define Needs & Practices:
Fine tune my needs with above options in mind. (That is to say investigate what kind of support practices are implemented between Profit driven organisations Vs No-Profit. The pros and cons)

__________________________________________________ ____________________

Righto ... seems like a good frame to work for now.

Off for a walk. Time to let the dust settle.

[Ponder]

Time for some Mindless PC Games.

[Ponder]

https://youtu.be/aqX5IFKYFWk
Goodnight zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Magical Mindfulness in 60 seconds : Very Powerful Brainwaves !

Following text extracted from YouTube Video DhyaanGuru Dr. Nipun Aggarwal (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC53pUCQiOGUj6Eg9WmzG9jQ) :

Mindfulness is a state of heightened awareness. A stated of balance between the Conscious and the Subconscious. A state of harmony between our low's and high's. A state of peace between our joys and sorrows. A state of calmness between our noises and silence.

Mindfulness is a mind full of awareness of the present moment. A simple translation of Mindfulness is 'Being present'.

When we try to be Mindful, we try to quieten the chaos in our mind by harmonizing forces that can control the impact of thoughts on our mind. While not being fully aware, we let some thoughts create repetitive impact on our mind which creates its negative impression overtime. Mindfulness eases that impact and gets rid of the negative impressions that thoughts leave you.

Mindfulness detoxifies the way your mind process information. It is a great way to relax, manage stress, improve concentration and focus. Physically it improves blood flow, relaxes muscle tension in the body, reduces pain and improves feelings of wellness.

These sounds are fused with the Powerful tones of OM to bring cosmic awareness as you go deep in the mindful state.

Within a few minutes, you will feel an amazing sense of 'Balance" and 'Oneness'within.

Just 5-10 minutes of daily listening to this music will bring tremendous positive results.

OM
_ _


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCoxEuyKS4k

__________________________________________________

My thoughts ... Tick Tick & Tick :

Yep, if you have not guessed I have a mind that runs a billion light years per second when not residing in the empty space between my thoughts. Thankfully ... despite all the stress I have experienced - somehow - somewhere, in me is the ability to find resounding peace between each breath. Its all in the transition. In the same way I can now allow the experience of praise and worship despite my negative experiences, I seek to apply the same surrendering whenever conflicting terms and ensuing distress well within. Open up experience the confusion, frustration, loneliness - detach and allow it all to be, so that one can truly experience the expanse that comes from letting go from the initial release.

As good as the release feels, I find the benefits in the extracted text I typed above comes into being the more we learn to ride the waves that fade after the initial release. The difference I find between my previous Sunday praise and worship experiences and the mindfulness I now do, is that I used to keep going back for a simple hits reliant on external sources, where now I am less dependent when it comes to drawing from within.

I am learning that being around others is important however much more careful when it comes to opening up. The irony is that I was damaged during the process of praise and worship yet now find more healing in what was once considered to be Satan himself. The dynamics between each process is very much one and the same. The conflict that takes place, well that comes down to what each of us chooses to beleive.

I ponder more on that.

Time to hit the gym. I'm taking these tunes now converted to MP3 and will be opening myself up on the treadmill for 45 minutes of sustained peace.

Until then - Tick Tick & Tick! :)

[Ponder]

Today was a reminder of just how conditioned I still am in my negative ways. That is to say I'm still reacting to being overstimulated rather than checking in with my inner being. It was once again the loud music at the gym that set me off. I sent a message over Facebook to remind the staff to be more considerant when leaving the volume up during unstaffed hours. Nothing more frustrating when turning up on a Sunday morning with meditation tunes only to be greeted with excessively loud music once you check in the door. I had to turn my earbuds up to max just to drown out the background music. Not good for my tinnitus. Sadly I am having to rethink my membership. Once again it's like banging my head on a brick wall with this shall I and shall I not continue on with the cons associated with using the GYM. I've also had to put up with others waiting out the front that pounce on the main door as soon as patrons exit the building. Your suppose to use an authorization card to get in. This time some guy lead with his shoulder and try to push past me as soon as I opened the door. Already in a reactive mood with ringing ears, I shoved back and slammed the door shut and only then proceeded to engage the fellow with "NOW - what can I do for you" ... from there it got messy, but thankfully a visit later that day ... from my grandson ... soon calmed me down. The next two weeks I am going to be very busy down at the gym.

Now I know that during unstaffed hours there is a high probability that the music is left on loud ... therefore will only attend during staffed house when most of the older folk go. I know from experience that music is turned down a few notches due to the reaction older people have to auditory stimulation that's excessive. (I am ultra sensitive most of the time ... even on my good days ... especially on my good days) That's being more proactive. The style of music is also less toxic to my ears during those times. From around 8ish and 9ish in the morning is not so bad ... then I will start doing laps back up at the hockey oval to avoid the noise. Hopefully my bones have strengthened up enough for the grass field. Two solids weeks of pushing myself should see me enjoy my trip down to Melbourne to see my son.
____________________________________

Glad I got that off my chest.

Now ... I took the following converted into MP3 on this evening's walk. It was overcast and refreshingly cool:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCBThkFsi64

The title made my smile as I thought about how often I like to write my thoughts down. Is not a problem when I am just free-styling my thoughts and letting them flow. Is in fact as good as a walk taking in the scenery as I go. In fact I learned quite a lot out of this talk while I walked.

This video is a good one for people who struggle with meditating because they cant sit still; me being one of those people. The intro is also great primer with regard to the art of listening. Eckhart gives good tuition on how to stop thoughts by going inside ones body. Rather than just scripting a body scan as persay a guided relaxation session, Tolle instead discusses the relationship of what goes on as we feel our way from thinking to sensing and then going that one more to observing the sensor.

Is what I'm about to do as I prep for sleep. Might listen to some Alan watts yet again ... then will go inside myself to sense the sensor knowing full well I'm winding down to shut off. Different to focused meditation in that Tolle is more talking about remaining conscious whilst cutting off ones thoughts. SLEEP is an important ingredient in developing that skill. I just alter my approach depending on what my aims are. I got ahead of myself today and paid the price down at the gym ... but is all good as I'm using it to now tune in. Tolle talks about this kind of suffering in order to learn in this here vid. Discomfort in part and parcel of the learning process ... the more we grow the less pain we need. Smile at such an incentive.

Night Night ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz

[Dahila]

I want to come here D. and post but as soon as I see AF I feel kind of noxious and annoyed, sorry just wanted to clarify it :) thanks

[Ponder]

I can precipitate that. Thanks for the clarification D. I'll pop into FB a little more often. :)

[Ponder]

Just in the process of downloading this next talk and thought I would share as is good for me. I woke up with ringing in my ears which is still quite loud. I decided not to jog. I'm going to walk with Alan instead. No need to listen hard. : ) I enjoy the early morning walks in the dawn light as well as the cold. I'll just fit the buds in loosely and make sure I don't use them at the gym. Hopefully my decision to pick my gym times that are more conducive for my health - will pay off over the next couple of days. That combined with sniffing some flowers along the way, should at least allow for the volume of the ringing in my ears, to lower somewhat as I wake each morning over the next couple of the days.

"Cool! ... Download Complete:" (running time just long enough for my walk)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3Mtby_QlvM&index=1&list=PLU7uB3u-JFwuD5uwdtFONuZsP_oWsOl2L&t=790s

All things considered, I have recovered well from yesterdays little happening and read for whatever comes today.

I go now practice listening to someone else. :)

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

WOW - Now that was inexplicably revealing! No doubt I shall express as I always do, but first time for some fuel. YUM YUM ... walk the little fella on the other side of town then try out the gym with the older folk on the way back in. Going to check back in with a review of what I just saw pass me by whilst out taking in Mr Watts ... as my breakfast digests. I smile to think of all them circles Alan talks in. What a ride!!! :) I can see how at many times his insights concur with Tolle well.

[Ponder]

Got a call from a guy worried about the drug testing for welfare recipients, then went on about the marginalization and resulting mental health needs perpetuated by a system which is running short on prisons. Very much like the revolving door scenario that watts talks about in above video linked. No body wants to hear or see these things; they just want the quick fix ... which of course plays to the snake that's caught up eating its tail. I've often been told to stop exposing the futility of these would be professionals that many claim others MUST see ... in order to have the heads read; so that they may see. "Then what is the answer!!!" They cry. You give them one and the best they can fathom, is such a summery comes from under a tin foil hat. Again we have a double bind:


http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/oroboros_zps5jl9ywwr.gif

_______________

I really like the part about the overcomplication that comes from our need for explanation. More so by the way Watts pulls apart those terms that we are so quick to define. The whole thing about delegating authority being done in a way that's based on trust. That really helped put things into perspective. Not exactly how we treat each other today ... especially true when I think about my mate that called me up to discuss the whole drug testing issue for those receiving welfare ... yadda yadda. Is what it is ... just another snake as depicted above.

Excellent perspective into religion!!! I really needed that. I'll definitely have to listen to this a few more times just as I do with Eckhart.

Love the concept of the inside and outside view where each is obstructed from the other. Great insights into the mundane monk that gets board with the void compared to practitioners who are alive from having come back from deep space. One uses for medical reasons compared to the other who uses as a life long crutch. (Good use for the term medicine) Something like that. That why I have no problem staring into space whilst mid sentence. More an issue for others who struggle with time. ... Dave ... DAVE!!! Ya there Mate. BACK srry was collecting the answer but I'll keep it under my hat - given its made out of foil and all that. :)

OK time to go take the little one out of a walk ... then do some spiritual practice down at the gym. Laughs out loud. Off to do without doing anything at all ... as is my choice. What's yours?

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

At the risk of coming across as completely nuts (if not already) by posting so often in one day - I got good news with how things unfolded this morning at the gym. I ended up touching base face to face with the guy who oversees the gym. He thanked me for not letting people come in without the popper entry cards and we both agreed the volume of the music appears to change as the background noise of people and machines is less during quiet times. Meaning just seems louder when really it's the same. I did not push it and accepted that I would work with whats in my head. The issue is raised and they made a point to turn it down. ANYWAYS ... things got better from there:

I thought I saw the guy that attempted to push past me yesterday. I felt compelled to go up and reason my rigid response and then apologize. Unfortunately it was not him, ("Srry Mate - Wrong Guy") he says. Then this guys mate sitting beside him gives validation for not letting others in without the proper entry card and then goes onto to say "apology accepted!" LOL ... which is what we all did.

SO ... in between my sets I see another guy that looked that the fellow I was seeking. "Hey Mate ... You the guy that was trying to get in yesterday?" .............. BINGO it was him:

Long story short - He is not much different from me. Talk about doing a full circle! I explained yesterday after he had me in a jam that I was just another member in the community that was mentally f%#*d before jumping in my car and telling him I was still srry for not letting him in. This morning he seemed thankful that I had searched him out as he went on to explain that he too also suffers when out and about. He actually has a DX of ASD (https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/autism-spectrum-disorder-asd). Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a condition that affects a person’s ability to interact with the world around them...

Anyways we kind of just gelled while others did there thing ...

It was a good morning and I think that talk I listened to this morning really helped. Time for lunch.

Adios until next post. : )

[Ponder]

The potential for healing is rather high once the following message sinks in. For me ... I can take in my surroundings in a less fearful way; once I remind myself of what it is that our human conditioning does not want us to see:

Alan Watts - Abnormal Awareness:

"...Then he defined cotension as another form of awareness which you might call a certain kind of openness, in which you realise that the external world is just as much you, as anything inside your skin ... and that you are not something that comes into this world on probation and doesn't really belong. ← This is you see the attitude that we foster in the child. ... BUT that you are something not that comes into the world but something that comes out of it. In the same way that a flower comes out of a plant, or a fruit comes out of a tree. That you are an expression, you as a human being are a symptom of nature ... and that you really belong there and that furthermore your actually self, what is finally and fundamentally you is not ... a separate and lonely part of the world, but the real you is the world itself, everything that there is expressing itself as this particular organism here and now and of course as you look across the room as all these other organisms in their here and now; we are all tits on the same sow. If I may put it so crudely, or if you want to put it more poetically - raised from the same sun."


https://c1.staticflickr.com/8/7344/9280089305_67ca873461_b.jpg


I think the trick is to gently hold this concept and embed these images into our hearts whilst navigating the maze of concrete that's slowly suffocating our world. In this respect I can see why it is that teachers like Tolle quote:
- "Evolve or Die!"

Night Night ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[Ponder]

Bit of a let down for me today at the centre I attend. Their website advertises that they can help with employment. I went in all positive like to speak about employment and the first thing I was told "It's hard enough to get a job in the area as is." Two things hit home with this. 1. As is ... means fully functional people have a hard time getting a job as is let alone someone that's not "as is." 2. I was expecting a little more support and could not help but think that was a negative reply given their position and mine?

It's taken me a LOT of resolve to start thinking about employment not having had a job in ten years; and that's the best response I get when I walk in the door ready to ask for help? That relly sucked. My participation in group that day really took a hit.
_____________________________

_____________________________________________

Last time I made a complaint I felt like all the staff at the centre hated my guts. There is no need to make this a big issue. The staff members name is *** and the other staff member present was call ****. I could not find an email to take this up with them so am writing this because I think it's better to explain how this has made me feel rather than take it out on either myself or someone else.

I've been researching hard to find out what my rights are and what assistance I can get. I've been working on my motivation and up till then was feeling pretty good. I realise I will be faced with challenges taking such a huge step as I require ongoing support in the workplace as someone who qualifies for "Employment Support Service" as termed by the Australian DES.

If I had not had my paper work together and all excited about a positive discussion; I guess I would of cared less. Having attended the center regularly and now known well by everyone, this rather pessimistic reply ... well let's just say I think it's time to give your centre another break. I don't care if there is not enough work as is ... I'm sure someone out there will appreciate my motivation to at least try.
__________________________

SIGH
l had to email that because I am really pissed of said response. Today I was wondering why I felt so toxic. I had to really try hard not be negative in group. I think I did pretty good all things considered and if anything I am feeling more spurred on to find some "work" ... but not sure If I will look for the paid kind. The thing is if they really knew what their website promotes, they would of encouraged me and at least started talking about the possibility of upskilling. Its all there on their website. It's quite pathetic now that I think about it. I guess that staff member was having a bad day. That's what I am usually told when conflicts like this arise. No matter ... perhaps the cosmos is letting me know its time to give that place a break and look towards more encouraging places.

___________

Now to find something to end on that instills some kind of hope. I know hope is not often viewed as optimal with conspiracy theories that get trapped in future; but I sure could use some in the here and now:



Seriously ...I highly recommend putting on a good set of headphones and hit play on the vid below!!!

Nice TUNES --- very relaxing!!! I've got an good pair of headphones to ride these waves:http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/water/surfer-dude-smiley-emoticon.gif

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEeiCybLn3A

Need to put this on a loop. Awesome tunes actually.

Here's to a better day tomorrow. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Well whaddayaknow ... I was contacted to come on in by another agency about my goals. Positive vibes straight off the bat. (I sent in that draft letter I posted a page or two back) It was from my old mentor who's the team leader of the personal helpers program. Now were talking!

I don't regret writing the letter of complaint last night. I had to do what I had to do in order to keep my vibe. Something else happened in that group yesterday that's now makes me realize that I need be mindful of continual exposure to the somber atmosphere that's atypical of recovery groups. Despite trying to lighten the mood, in which then the therapy kind of becomes more like games - when one moves on, there is the risk of regression that comes from repeated exposure to groups that are more depressive, too serious, lack hope and so so. I've notice this happens a bit with the guy that was rather negative about my attempts to look for work. I'm not going to quit group ... but I am going to take a break and make sure my usual visits have me in a good state better to handle such somber moods. I spotted another mentor from yet another agency that was looking rather depressed as well. He must of been tired which is how I suddenly felt after having the wind knocked out of my sail before starting group. Once you get a few people feeling that way in those therapy groups ... it can be hard to keep recovery focused despite others making excellent points, contributing well and feeling fine. Something like that. Time to take a break and find support some place else. I just have to remember some of these points if and when they call.

Righto ... time for Gym ... then on with my day.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEEHdaRo5mE

[Ponder]

BIG day and feeling exhausted. Caught up with my old mentor in his office. He seemed really happy to see me. We had a great brain storming session and looks like I will be going back on the program although have to wait on the list. Just need one more session with him to iron out some of the kinks ... make sure we are doing the right thing and get the timing right with the upcoming NDIS application. Getting his backing with the new updated DX and implementing a few other things re my goals with appropriate supports ... yadda yadda ... Is all looking good! Just like I said ... ya got to build ya case :)

One of the goals we talked about is me looking to get back into Disability/Aged Support. As well as doing disability I also worked in the Aged Care Industry. I keep saying Industry because sadly that's how most people are treated ... like pieces of equipment in need of maintenance and then it's straight off to the next subject on the conveyor belt.

This is a reality that no one likes to discus as to do say is considered speaking negatively. Is why I did not last long working for firms that work solely for profit. That is to say where social engagement is low on the list, but getting in and out is paramount. I once worked for a company called Spiritus... sadly they did not have much spirit because when I gave a little of mine in between vacuuming, cleaning and so on ... I was promptly told not to spend time engaging. I remember that clear as a bell. I said goodbye to the old lady who loved the new guy who always talked - ME - pulled out my phone, called my wife for a lift and waited calmly outside as I just quit!!!

Bluecare - Another "Carers" corporation ... drive their cars around like lunatics. Once the government pulled some funds from a friend of mine that was bed ridden for the rest of her life, she became quite withdrawn when the nurses stopped engaging. No more small talk ... its was just a case of IN & OUT! Hello **** ... on the hoist, into the wheel chair, turn on the hose, back to the hoist, on the bed - change the pads ... meanwhile another nurse quickly flying about ... Bobs you uncle ... Srry can't chat ... GotoRUN. The more these corporations go on about how great they are and the more they take on, the less able they are able to engage. = INDUSTRY with rosy mission statement.

HMMMM ... so why the hell I am going back into the support role? Excellent question I am now asking myself.

I guess because I enjoy supporting others. This time I have the benefit of experience and know better which support roles to avoid and which ones to focus on. (Where my strengths lay) I'll also be going into the support role as someone who's also being supported himself. Different kettle of fish this time around. Alas the training is gong to no doubt be hard. Certification has gone nuts which kind of restricts the amount of people with lived experience at least in terms of mental health. That's another story ... ZZZZZZZZzzzz right now. Just freestyling. I remember seeing one student with a speech problem struggling in a course being put off to the side and left all alone. When I was struggling the attending facilitator was rather abruptly in asking me would I like to join the other all alone. I responded "NO - he is not getting any help, which is what I require!" SIGH. Frustration reigns with how I see black and white (actually I see a lot beyond that ... it's others that make out it's black and white) ... more like RED is those kind of heartless situations. TIME TIME TIME ... not even time to stutter. That was mainstream employment services doing as they do and well ... falling through the cracks is the story of my life.

BUT ... this time I'm not going through main stream channels and placement is going to be well thought out. I won't even be chasing the money. ($$$ = Industry treatment- Volunteers = Compassion/Engagement) If $$$ becomes a factor I'll only be taking on roles that allow for two to four hour shifts. Mostly Engagement Roles. Perhaps if my capacity can be extended to a full shit ... I'll only do it one day a week. (My wife also has a condition which requires me [I'm just aiming to have a life on the side where there is time]) I've got a lot to think about regarding roles, triggers and flexibility. I also need to ensure I don't put my pension at risk as there is no fucking way in hell I will be returning to main stream participation. As I have alluded ... I will not be part of the heartless machine and if I could operate without a soul, the fact remains that I am incapable of functioning at such a speed!!! This is where the terms start to go grey when websites state ... ongoing support for workers like me with Profit Vs Non Profit Industry/Organisations. Fact is Profit organisations rarely have the time or interest with implementing such supports. I may get lucky with some pocket money along the way ... but voluntary positions is where I will focus in the beginning and most likely for quite a whiles.

See what happens ... My camping buddy that runs his own Disability/Aged Company (an old boss of mine) is looking to expand in my area and wants my wife to handle admin setup ... Getting myself accredited with all the checks and balances will pretty much have me set up sweet as far as having a choice when it comes to being appropriately matched ... Support Role/Person in need/supporting the supporter; as it should be! My old boss was not happy when they sacked me ... sacked me behind his back. He quit, joined another company ... quite again due to the machine ... BUT ... went out on his own and in that process had many clients leave with him. He's actually become quite a success. I know he will be happy to hear this new direction I am taking as he of yet does not know. I really enjoyed my time working under him. He understood me like I did the clients I resonated with. I think that is why he is doing well. He is good with placements and not so greedy.

Anyways ... that's a huge amount to take in. I'm just glad I finally have the ball rolling again and looks like I will be getting quality support to achieve my aims ... failures and all. :) Sounds like a win win to me.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Jut to mix things up a bit. I picked up this Hard Cover book for about 1 English Pound. (I live in Australia) Looked it up online and of course got a kick that the Hard Cover is fetching between 18 - 27 Pounds. 27 if you have money to burn. Anyways despite being a huge skeptic of the UFO and Paranormal Crowed the reviews seem pretty good. Is not for people easily led and or like to make religions/cults out of this subject. It's what viewed more as "Filtered Science" Findings from Scientific Scholars that are rejected because it challenges currently accepted views. I actually picked up another book called Forbidden Archaeology's Impact by Micheal A. Cremo. But that's another story. : )

Turns out this book → DIMENSIONS: A Casebook of Alien Contact (https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/DIMENSIONS-Casebook-Contact-Jacques-Vallee/1933665289) by Jacques Vallee is one of the better ones to shed light on said subject as far as the movie/drama mentality goes. So I am reading in the reviews at any rate ... minus those who thrive on the cult side of things who have given this book bad reviews. Personally I don't know yet. I am still watching YouTube videos of the Author. That's been interesting alone. I'll Text To Speech the PDF and take in on a few walks ... then read the book later.



→Reviews Here ← (https://www.amazon.com/product-reviews/1933665289/ref=cm_cr_dp_syn_footer?k=DIMENSIONS%3A%20A%20Case book%20of%20Alien%20Contact&showViewpoints=1)

→FREE PDF BOOK HERE ← (http://www.vielewelten.at/pdf_en/dimensions.pdf)
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/2068708_zpscvlw4qbl.jpg
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Capture_zpsdezbsa7n.png


I'm just getting ready to kick back on watch the following in two bouts. I'm more interested in what Terrence McKenna has to say on the subject from a consciousness/spiritual point of view. That should be REALLY interesting as is my angle on actually picking up the above book. The footage here is old as too the book ... BUT ... it's just one of those old books that's in many ways still relevant to today. Given how much of this kind of information is typically rejected from decade to decade. You kind of have to be nuts to understand it. LOL @ that. hehe ... not that I understand anything ... but it sure is more interesting than your usual run of the mill drama currently spinning the mill:



Terrance looks young there : )

→ Fast Forward to Terrence ← (https://youtu.be/vB6uPBCVNPc?t=531)
Aprox 18minutes the sound gets all wonky with what sounds like a record playing backwards. LMFAO @ that one ... I'm pushing through with it as it clears up a few minutes later ... although I am worried if I will sleep easy tonight. hahaha ... So far so good ... Tick Tick Tick. Will have to start watching Terrance more often/gain.
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Terrance_zpskboykhi9.png (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vB6uPBCVNPc&t=538s)



The full interview with the Author of above book:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ETMzkhBQ6w



That should keep be busy for a while.

[Ponder]

Caught up with the author once more here ... gets more interesting the deeper I get into all this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9pR0gfil_0

BUT --- to finish off the night ... I could not but help return to the real drama:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmZmk_Wof4E

Night night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ;)

[Ponder]

Tomorrow will see the end of a solid week in the gym. Back to back 3 X Two Day Advanced Arny Split across 6 days. No time or energy for running. I've just been fitting in walking where I can. Sleeping and eating has been paramount. I've managed to keep my appointments outside my routine and keep the little fella happy as well. Happy little fella, happy me. :) The kitchen did get away on me, but managed to nip that in the but yesterday and will make a note of keeping on top of that today. Laundry ... tick, Yard -SIGH - needs doing (mowing/weeding) although have done the edging, in general there is more I can catch up on, however the appointments for both my wife and I have been full on this week as well. Lots of in and out like those lunitic blue nurses, although my driving is much smoother than them. Yadda Yadda ... Wife off to do her JP thing at the court ... I do have the new group where they are starting to refurbish bicycles but the day is looking pretty grey and wet with flood warnings about; not sure If I will go as I wont have the car.

Might do a Vlog and catch up on house chores instead.

I have to admit that when not doing those things I deem crucial to me stability (my usual routine) or more meaning when side tracked in order to meet newly set challenges I continually make for myself ... mmmm ... I've been somewhat eradicate during those periods when embarking on those sessions/activities/appointments/ruminations that take the next step towards my goals. - "Employment" - (toxic term really ... for me at least ... due to the policies, clauses, terms, and agendas that outline such a force of people) Thankfully my wife is keeping things real for me in regards to that. - I grab cuppa ... think ... then try to explain because I have another appointment coming up focused on that. Thankfully my wife will be sitting in on that one. I seriously don't know what I would do without her. I hope I am first to pass this plain of existence or at least quite frail; if she Lisa does in fact pass before me. I ponder if we would be better off doing a Romeo and Juliet. Just kidding.
__________________________________________________ _________


RIGHTO - lets get some perspective Davy Boy:
Neurotypical - (a person who has a typical brain) The language is steering away from terms like http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/quotation-sign-smiley-emoticon.gifNORMAL. Anyways ... Lisa, my wife ... pointed out that once again in my usual excitement in setting new challenges, that I forgot about the stepping stone factor within those PHaMs (https://www.dss.gov.au/our-responsibilities/mental-health/programs-services/personal-helpers-and-mentors-phams)programs. There are two PHaMs programs ... One the helps you get out your front door and then the other to help you spin the economical wheel. ??? Actually the Gov website stated more along these words:

"...They are assisted to access services and participate economically and socially in the community, increasing their opportunities for recovery."

Recovery ??? How does someone with a permanent impairment recover??? Inappropriate term for many people with a permanent disability. Which is why DES (https://www.employment.gov.au/disability-employment-services)is split into two different element as already previously noted. Management Services which is a stepping stone (not ongoing) Vs Support Services. (which are ongoing) None the PHaMs offer ongoing sevices. Therefore whilst I can roll over personal support side of things, it would be useless to roll over the employment side of things as continually going from job to job is not an option. Waste of time, services, money and unnecessary stress resultant from inappropriate placing people and or setting clients up for continual failure. Which can also mean just spending $$$. Given One PHaMs program help one transition from their front door into the community and then the other PHaMs Program is EMPLOYMENT focused ... WELL there you have ... it's more about getting people out of their homes and into the workforce to spin the economical wheel. Make of that what you will ... for me its a toxic system that continues to place the worth of a person measured in how efficient that contribute economically.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ... loosing focus ... BUT know now better what my wife means. She can't believe that I was almost placed incorrectly yet again. I do my Vlog and see if I can make sense in that. The trouble is that despite me wanting to ECONOMICALLY CONTRIBUTE "... - still rolls eyes at that - ... the system is not currently geared to the claims being made on these government web pages in much that same way disability and aged websites make rosy mission statements that cave in with it comes to the ECONOMICAL TRAIN!

NDIS is set to me the new welfare reform in our country despite many being told nothing changes. BS! I am told PHaMs will no longer exist once NDIS comes into play (in our area) There are as many contradictions in this whole mess as there is in the Holy Bible. No matter ... Is what it is.

Note to self ... I found it amusing when I got a call from a service provider who just came back from an NDIS seminar (they were just helping me prep my app with some of the changes going on in the background - again building my case ... they don't mind people who help themselves) ... The thing I found interesting was when I was told that there was also a seminar for applicants separate to service providers. Here's the thing the light bulb moment in my head. Who are these applicants that get to know about these seminars that keep them in the know? What part of society do these applicants come from? I'm alluding here to the issues of STATUS and it's bearing in our imperfect system. I wonder about the severity of these applicants Vs those lower down on the chain. No doubt why mental illness is constantly as grey as it is. Just a thought is all. Relates to that inability to so many being unable to build their case; this time not so much because lack of being active or even impairment ... but from lack of being inadvertently kept in the dark. More to it than that for sure ... yet still a light bulb factor when it comes to that imperfect system we have.

Yadda yadda ...

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Admits since the service providers started prompting NDIS is have been spiraling out. I don't beleive "nothing changes" ... anyways ... get on with it Davy Boy.

[Ponder]

Vlog 4 - My Analysis of My Diagnosis - 5 Years On: LONG RAMBLE - *Note – Video quality low due to duration and data limit. Uploaded from my phone.

Is somewhat repetitive for those following in here, however it part of the process. This is also the opening of my New Blog in an ASD forum where my wife reckons I will be better understood. At least in terms of my one track mind.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glzxwQKBnLQ

[Ponder]

Trigger Warning!!! → Correction. There was one time that I did harm to others and I had mentioned it quite some time ago. I regret it very much but still stand by my genuine intention not to harm others and have great remorse for all those times I have lost control. I'd like to wrap this up on a good note although no doubt setting up for another long post. I rather enjoy as is part of my letting go. Those that think they know me may question the length of this process which I am more than mindful of ... the addictive quality to repeating one's story. Let's just say it gets easier each time the tale is told.
_______________________________

The lowest point in my life. No heading required.

Apart from the odd scrap that comes from a history of drugs and incarceration (more so in juvenile / minimal time as adult ) I stand by my claim that I've always tended towards resolution rather then conflict. The one time I did lose control and seriously harmed another/s was hunting down men that preyed upon young boys who they themselves sold their bodies for the means to self medicate. Although I thought I was quite mature for a 17 y/o - It's only now that I realise ... given my history of rejection prior to those events; just how much I was still a little boy. [I]Yes this is a repeat ... but wanted to be honest when I said I had not harmed another as well share with others who may have suffered similarly - no matter the differences. Stories like this left unchecked have the potential go cancerous.

I felt my soul ripped from self once I realized I allowed myself to be abused. Then I felt just as guilty as the men that used me. The conflict from a biblical stand point, given the extent of the extreme preconditioned sense of wrong & right, between ages 7 & 12 ... I can now truly say that YES - Indeed ... I was short circuited! (The brainwashing from a religious perspective stop @ 12 as that's when my mother sold us kids out) It was within this context that after getting rolling drunk - to which at that point I was more staring into space that I and a few others (me one of a few living in denial but deeply attached to my friends whom were less worried about what others thought) would then proceed to wait for lone predators ... one of us would lead the now intended victim into a corner with no escape where the others & or myself would swoop on in and purge without end.

This period (1987-89) of my life was literally a living hell. I ended up waking up once or twice a victim of worse circumstances yet. I gave up hurting others with such venom after that as one has to have a soul in order to purge. I had to be cornered and set upon in order for me to fight me way out. I just bluffed during those time when imprisoned and or knew the prime times when to submit without losing face when mixing with aligned peers.
__________________________________________________ __________

That is the extent of my harming others. The suffering that surrounded that period was only one form of many previously experience and yet to come. My ability to talk freely about it now is - hmmmm - we I guess it says something about the resolve that has seen me come out the other end; regardless of the - hmmmm - impairments. (The environmental factors & experiences that relate to elements of trauma not discounting generational predispositions with facets of Echkart Tolle's Residual Effect AKA my common reference - BYPROUCT) I've always said that as a child I had a deep connection with the way I view the world. My connection with GOD as I understood him as a child was although torn at that point I realized what I had done to myself and others in 87 ... no doubt came to see me through to that other end. I just no longer view that power as external, but more from within. My "Christian" upbringing would still take me another two decades before my wings started to expand.

Whilst I got holes and my wings be tattered, I'm no longer have hatred for either predators in or out of the church. What happened happened. I'm not ashamed - My head hangs today more from weary than anything else. The continual need to be held accountable from an economic stand point. I guess that's my current unresolved conflict that's currently playing out. I take things to extremes in order to burn them out. Mostly those things I want nothing really to do with, whilst at the same time talking myself into them as if that's what I really want.
__________________________________________________ __________________

At least I can see that much. I guess I am still searching to beleive in something rather than not, and that something being myself. The next trick to pull out of the hat is to start trusting others.

On that note ... I think I'll wait a good few days. I'll Check back in after my next therapy session which is WED next week.

I've been having a lot due to the process of updated DX and make adjustments to my mental health plan. I know it seems really unstable now ... but I know these kind of growing pains will help me deal with what is yet to come - not just that pain. Life is still worth living. I just need to find a place where positive interactions take place. Whilst it takes me some effort, I can say the mental health Centre I attend is a place such as that.

Time to give all this self reflection a break as too - today's analytical tick tick ... time to find a more spiritually inclined train of thought. I will do that somewhere else.


Adios ... until after my next therapy visit.

Good luck with your own Tick Tick :)

[Ponder]

Going Out My Front Door. Ended up doing another Vlog (easier than writing at this stage) - Dealing with things @ the Gym and looking to disconnected from the pressures of having to fit in:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCyT3XnwWuw

[Ponder]

"Energy psychiatry is a combination of conventional medicine, intuition, spirituality and energy. This is a new and important approach to conventional psychiatry. It is significant because it addresses problems and situations of which conventional medicine is unaware" The Energy Psychiatry of Judith Orloff, M.D. by Russ Mason, M.S.
________________________________________
So I've posted a couple of vids now in which I've expressed deeply and made connections with myself on various lvls. My Vog therapy is no more than a reflection into which I can experience myself on another plain. It matters little in regards to likes and subscribes. I find the latter to be a rather destabilizing dynamic in the same context as over prescribed medications and their reliance.

So it is that I'm now checking in with myself. I feel a healthy compulsion to change my tune now having looked backed several times in my animated mirror. I intended to do as much after my vlog analysis of my diagnosis. I felt the need to go down a spiritual path. I've read many times how spiritually has healed the most broken and misunderstood within the most toxic of societies.

As I have very briefly mentioned in either my previous videos and in various posts at different mental health forums, I've had a very traumatic upbringing under the banner of religion. I'd like to focus briefly "at another time" the correlation between Religion and Clinical/Conventional Practices. Moreover the difference between the ideologies of church & state (being one & the same) to that of a healthy positive spiritual connection with oneself and the resulting well being that comes from being able to connect with the world no matter how grim.

That's about as concise for now in which I intent to change my path. I'm still under a lot of pressure to conform, get an updated DX and fit into varioius boxes in order to account for the air I breath. That's the negative part of Society that I've already expressed to which I intent to leave / dissociate. Be in the world but not of the world. Time to make that part of my life nothing more than routine. Perhaps I will just touch on it briefly no more than to scratch an itch whilst keeping focused on what really matters to me. Time to change my focal points.

I think my heading paints well the direction into which I shall take. I have some experience with the book "Emotional Freedom by Judith Orloff M.D." The whole topic on Energy Psychiatry seems to resonate really well for me. I remember well how that booked helped me connect to Nature ... help me understand not only myself but also others around me. I was pretty zen back then ... disconnected from all that hustle and bustle. I was even able to ignore all the fear mongering of church and start; better able to navigate knowing full well it mattered not if I did not fit their hoops or measure up.

I'm in a good way to nail my gym session now - :) this is how making positive intentions ad breaking negative connections works.

[Ponder]

http://online.liebertpub.com/doi/pdfplus/10.1089/act.2005.11.32

[Ponder]

Suddenly Disconnected – Alone, Lost & in Despair – Then Nothing. – Freedom!

I’m all for disconnecting in a world seemingly full of pain, however last night when suddenly such took place inside my dream; I was left alone, lost and in despair.
My wife and I were walking through a busy boulevard in some unknown city. I was distracted by all manner of things that popped in and out of existence with each consecutive step. I remember discussing one of these distractions with my wife, but later lost touch with her during my attempts to connect with passerbys.

The best I could see was maybe the silhouette of my wife’s head. Before I could reach the spot where I thought my wife to last be, the crowds had dispersed and there I stood … looking around in a what then felt like a cold – damp - dark and deserted city; yet plenty of people were still about wearing summer clothes, the sun still shining and riding high.

I could not remember where we were staying and did not know where I was standing. Slowly as I took in this new reality, what was left of the former started to fade and then was gone. So it was that I went from feeling lost, alone and in despair to feeling nothing.

…then I woke up and wrote this.
__________________________________________________ ____________

Observational Thoughts:

Perhaps disconnecting is a process that requires discomfort in order to be free. I believe this to be the case with disidenifcation as it relates to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. (His 2min video explanation) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9s-t5sR4OJE) Facing one’s fear within - as perceived from past and present conditioning that is terrified of being; keeps us eternally fixated with relentless thoughtstreams. There is nothing in this world that can define us so as long as we do not attach ourselves to meaningless things. Furthermore, the ability to let go, is more crucial than that of one’s capacity to obtain. The latter being rampant in a world that creates people like tubes with their sole purpose to consume.

My dream is nothing more than a process to disconnect from embedded fear. To release that which binds me and seeks that which frees me. To no longer let my thoughts control me. Where do thoughts come from → (Tolle 10 minute video explanation) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWFVi1cPUZo)

[martin05]

Perhaps disconnecting is a process that requires discomfort in order to be free.

I haven't practised enough of Tolle's teachings to be able to agree or disagree with that, but I'm inclined to agree based on my (basic) understanding of Zen. I think there's something perversely comfortable about our pain and our personal story. Despite it being dysfunctional, it gives us some form of grounding in a chaotic and unpredictable universe. I think the reason we cling so tightly to it is because being without a story, an identity, and a complete set of labels is even more unnerving to our primitive psyche -- though people do get there with practice and appear all the better for it.

There's a lot of great literature out there on the turbulence one encounters when they let go of pain, and even themselves. Often the road is really rocky. That's something I think Tolle alludes to when he says the ego will fight back. Not sure if you've heard of the term spiritual crisis? The term "Dark Night of the Soul" is also worth reading about. You can get an idea of the good and the bad one encounters on a spiritual journey.

I think in a way, mental illness gives you a nudge in a more spiritual direction, as you're more inclined to look deeper into yourself compared to somebody who's been very successful in life, classically speaking. It's no surprise most of those big in the spiritual field suffered from anxiety, depression, drug issues, or just general dissatisfaction.

[Ponder]

Is all good - Need we agree or disagree? Tolle also talks a lot about that. :) I do however feel you have made some very good points. I have come to find feeling very important martin. I have heard of the "Dark Night of the Soul" a few times; but not quire sure of how its used or its context. I will briefly check out when later before making another post. I find your closing words to be somewhat consoling.

It's been a long time since I have gone on about "my" "story." I like to think it's more about shedding layers as I draw from that well from time to time. Part of that feeling process. I also explain about that some more when I come back ... in line with Echkarts teachings as I have come to understand.

Again ... thanks for the direction Martin. Much appreciated.

I hope your traveling pleasantly enough?

[gypsylee]

It's no surprise most of those big in the spiritual field suffered from anxiety, depression, drug issues, or just general dissatisfaction.

I'm reading "Revolution" by Russell Brand. He makes it pretty clear that he's into yoga and spirituality because he's done EVERYTHING ELSE - drugs, sex, money, fame - and none of it helped in the long run. He was originally an atheist.

He makes a really interesting point that a lot of people suffer mild-moderate anxiety, which isn't enough to stop them functioning and living mundane lives, and that he's grateful for his more "extreme" life. I'll have to search for his exact words later because they're more interesting than mine :)

[gypsylee]

Ok, here's Russell's version:

"I know so many people that shuffle along with anxiety and pain like a stone in their shoe, but because they're coping, holding down a job, not being forcibly institutionalised, they shuffle along, unaware that there is an alternative."

I think both my parents - especially my mother, who is an extreme "worrier" - have lived their lives like that.

My brother was also living his life like that before he ODed, and in one respect it was the secrecy of his drug use that killed him, because had he been more obvious about it (like I was with my alcoholism) someone might have been able to intervene. Several months before it happened I even asked him how his anxiety was and he told me he was fine. He obviously wasn't because the autopsy showed not only heroin in his system, but diazepam AND temazepam, and he wouldn't have acquired all those drugs unless he was suffering with anxiety.

[Ponder]

Vlog – 6 but first … Martin, I had more time to go over your reply and am finding the term “Dark Night of the Soul” a very interesting subject to read. I think it was very appropriate for you to bring it up. It fits the bill quite well.

Just checked out that book Gypsy and it too looks worth chasing up. I don’t mind Russel at all. Nothing wrong with the way your sharing Gypsy. Sounds spot on to me! Your post just as relevant if not more. I especially appreciate your sharing about your brother. TY.



Finding an alternate path is not so easy with too much noise in our heads:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMZbSNIDgKs&feature=youtu.be


I'm in the dog house after not doing so well after picking my wife up from hospital. I'm still struggling with socializing in public buildings. The impersonal way people treat each other is hard to cope with. I struggle with the way people talk to each other like robots. Of course I also speak too fast myself, but I do try very much to be polite and respectful. I'm not understood and I can't understand others. I tend to fall apart when that happens. Therapy visit in the morning. My wife is coming to that one as well. I don't blame her for not wanting to put up with me anymore. Only 5 days left till we head off on our holiday. Hopefully that will allow us both to charge up our tolerance levels for whatever lay ahead.

I appreciate you guys popping in to give feed back. I'll see if I can chase down a torrent for the book gypsy and ponder more on this notion "Dark Night of the Soul (https://www.eckharttolle.com/newsletter/october-2011)" I think I am defianetly going through that process and will intend to go back down to that pond or somewhere like it to stay the course and see where that process leads.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

This really helped me tonight. WHY be present at all?
https://youtu.be/CWVBxQhjsnE
Goodnight. Zzzzzzzzz I feel tonight I shall sleep well.

[gypsylee]

I was reading Revolution last night and he mentions this guy and his book. Now this sounds interesting!

http://www.robertlanza.com/biocentrism-how-life-and-consciousness-are-the-keys-to-understanding-the-true-nature-of-the-universe/

"Biocentrism completes this shift in worldview, turning the planet upside down again with the revolutionary view that life creates the universe instead of the other way around. In this new paradigm, life is not just an accidental byproduct of the laws of physics."

[Ponder]

Bullseye Gypsy!!! I welcome a fresh perspective on a concept already touched upon by so many spiritual teachers. I think the concept is more "new" for mainstreamers who have not suffered enough and a much needed break as far is this supposed shift that everyone has been alluding to for the past few "decades!"

I went over that link a few times with text to speech and think I will chase that book down before Russel's Revolution book. Review even admits it may take a few reads for many to let it sink in. I like those kind of books. : )

I just hope people don't think it's like the new New Age "Secret" as in just dream up what you want - have anything and everything. If you get my drift.

I can see it offers much more than that. I'm going to see if I have any more luck finding a torrent for that than I did Revolution. (I did find an Epub for revolution but unable to open it for some reason)

Righto ... off to source what I can on this new steer. Excellent topic Gypsy. I might even shell out $$$ for the Biocentrisim book yet. :)

[Ponder]

______

BINGO!!! I do beleive I found it:

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/BIO_zpsopjnkzze.png (http://www.newforestcentre.info/uploads/7/5/7/2/7572906/biocentrism-book.pdf)


I don't even need to convert it. I'm putting this straight on my phone and heading out for a walk to listen to it. Thanks Heaps Gypsy. ;)

Hope the link works for others. Download it while it's still up.

659 reviews → HERE (https://www.amazon.com/Biocentrism-Life-Consciousness-Nature-Universe/product-reviews/B002SRC2KE/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_acr_sr?ie=UTF8&reviewerType=avp_only_reviews).

Follow up book is called "Beyond Biocentrism" But I finish this one first.

[Ponder]

1/5th of the way into the book ... there seems to be a lot of people on youtube taking to this concept as I feared - Without the ingredient of having suffered that much ... knowledge is not enough. I don't blame the masses scrambling at it from an intellectual level though. Is how we have all been raised. I see now why it's so important for people to influence others with romantic text, images, hypnotic suggestions, subliminal music and the other wide array of spell binding forms of communications. If our reality is based solely on what we think and feel ... it makes perfect sense why there is a huge focus on controlling the minds of would be sheep. No surprise there.

None the less the concept does help to explain and moreover questions standard thinking - That's always good ... BUT useless if the masses just pick it up in order to manifest more, bigger, better and of course an "abundance" of wealth. - Enter the new age SECRET. ... and lets not discount abusers who turn to their victims and blame them for creating their own reality. This often takes place when victims are not even "looking." The latter being a big fact in this concept of self created realities. In other words it's not there because you can't see it, but if I walk up to you and slap you in the head ... I just influenced your reality ... I may then persuade you that you were responsible because of the way you were thinking and or felt; because that's how biocentrisim works. Just saying how it's as open to abuse like any new age concept and or age old religion. Needs a lot of filtering I guess when taking in all this information.

I feel that aspect of the "Dark Night of The Soul (https://www.eckharttolle.com/newsletter/october-2011)" - Rock Bottom ... plays a large role to connecting where it counts when taking on insights like biocentrisim and corresponding spiritual insights. I leave it at for now as I have much more of the book to finish and will need to go over it more than once. Part and parcel of more elements in the mix. There is so much to it than meets the eye. LOL - given the emphasis in the looking. BUT that's only one sense ... there are many more we need to take into account. Energy ... I like how energy plays into the field. I think there is a lot of potential there for me in the way I choose to see. Hopeful at least.

Please excuse the constant editing after the post ... takes me like 20 minutes to finalize my text.

Night guys ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ... or have a good day.

[Ponder]

Disregard the last ... that was me losing track as usual. Thus far out of all the well meaning Youtube sources on the subject, I'm bedding down with this one for now to get back on track. still listening to this. The intro sounds very grounded and best of all, no distracting music:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYy2p9N5eqQ

Edit ... EXCELLENT!!!

[martin05]

I appreciate you guys popping in to give feed back. I'll see if I can chase down a torrent for the book gypsy and ponder more on this notion "Dark Night of the Soul" I think I am definelty going through that process and will intend to go back down to that pond or somewhere like it to stay the course and see where that process leads.

I'm very interested in seeing what develops, so please do post updates. I've experienced similar things myself, but haven't been in a healthy enough state to pursue them further. I've ended up gravitating back to the old ways that were familiar. Deffo something that interests me though.

I'll try and give that book a read when I get the chance. Thanks for the tip.

Hope you and your wife find the hols restful!

[Ponder]

Hi Martin. I'm thinking of giving the recovery group I go to a break because most of the guys suffering don't turn up enough for me. I find the others less receptive or unable to understand me. I hope you find a key hole in that gravity well that allows you to slip into something new and refreshing. Over the last 12 months, nature has been slipping my grasp which is unusual for me as I've always found it rejuvenating no matter how many times I've been in the same spot. Thankfully I am entering back into a mode that's allowing me to re-engage with the birds and the bees. Not quite there yet ... but is part of that process you recently made me aware of. I sincerely hope that gravity of which you mention will soon lighten its load and or your able to find the fuel in order to keep afloat. Without gravity we would be less likely to enjoy it when its low. I guess balance really is key - the key hole into which allows us to be free : )

Yea ... I am going to start packing and get the house ship shape before we head off. 4 days to go : )

[Ponder]

Heading out for some midday sun; then taking a reprieve down at the pond. My current avatar was taken down at the pond some time last year.

Back to taking my chair and some fuel for my meditative walks. Going to continue listening to the Biocentrisim Book on my way ... then will kick back and meditate:



Just heading out the door - Let the Healing begin: :)

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4195/34051805594_dc4d439dcf_b.jpg

[salvator here]

Hello.. Ponder, Gypsy, and Martin; hope all is well.

I see this books your are all reading up there. How would you say this proves or disproves an "afterlife"? Does that mean that is no creator as we know it in a traditional sense (or are conditioned to understand)?

Been thinking about this a lot lately. I don't read much so I most likely won't even attempt it now in the current shape in mentally. My attention span is pretty narrow these days. I will listen/watch that video you posted when I can though.

Anyways..

Take good care.

[Ponder]

Hi Sal :) ... Just responded in the other thread on the topic. I think is OK to ponder on it as long as it does not consume your life. I admit I ponder it often ... although have made some good gains of late. Meaning I feel more comfortable on the subject of life after death since researching more into consciousness.

I got things to do right now Sal ... but will later give you some tips on how to digest info; as I too suffer from short attention span. Especially when reading! Bare with me on that. The topic of Conciseness can be rather in depth ... but need not be if you find the right approach. I catch up with you soon enough.

I'll post my next Vlog first though. (is another way I digest info myself) Then I share some tips after that post → how I learned about conciseness as it relates to unlearning the fear of death. More some from a perspective as someone with a short attention span and learning difficulties. I had to go through a lot of head banging to teach myself how to learn before any of it sunk in. :) Thankfully my mental state is starting to stabilize once again.

[Ponder]

Vlog 7 - Sitting By The Pond. Noticeably improved speech and processing ability down by the pond. The creative side starting to come out as well - without rushing or overdoing things. I slept well enough last night. I think I'm in for another decent nights sleep as well. Will keep note as I go:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMoyL4YKkTE


Edit ... almost forgot today's photo:

By The pond:
Cheap Nikon Compact 12X Optical Zoom + Full digi zoom post process PSC6
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4250/34769030941_d41789a8ff_b.jpg

[Ponder]

Dear Sal, Martin, Gypsy and everyone else reading.

Thank you for positive and healing energy. I know that might sound really awkward or just plain wrong depending on how your feeling or where your standing. I know we are all feeling tired and for many, feeling somewhat lost. I know I am most of the time. The fact that you've left footprints here means a great deal to me. Your all good people. I once said ... correction ... I have said often that I don't do people; but you guys have made me change the way I feel about that. I just change the way I deal with them instead. In here I can be a lot nicer when I try ... I can also be a lot kinder to myself which also really helps.

Anyways ... Thanks for the comments and thanks for the reading. You've all been a tremendous help.
______________________________________

Sal ... I responded in your other thread once again. I kind of skirted the topic of life after death. I do apologize for that my good friend. Right now ... the best I can say is that whilst everyone want's to create their own universe/s - and understandably so - something in me tells me the answer in not about going outside our bodies, or trying to control our dreams - but more in the unification of all living things.

I will of course elaborate more as more comes to mind. For me ... it's time I go get some quality sleep.

I really like that link I shared with you earlier so am going to share once more in here. What Eckhart Tolle says about even places of healing in our society now being dominated by "mad nervous energy" really hit the nail on the head for me with just how destructive things have gotten in our crazy world. Please don't get me wrong ... I'm not focusing on that fact as there is nothing we can do. Despite the fact I still need help going to places like that, that I still bubble up when around such negative energy - I truly benefit from practicing a lot of Echkarts teaching and those of others like him. Going down to that pond and connecting like I did with making a video and taking a snap shot of the dragon fly really helped me today. I took vital time out to inhabit my body beyond "trying" to do so as a means of copping as when caught up in a self prophesying mood. Point being it's best to start living this way of being rather than just using these methods as only tools. Something like that.

Give Eckhart an ear ... he says it way better than me.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCY8UnPNV1g

I know I said it like twice already ... Thanks guys.

PS - We're right with ya Sal.

[martin05]

That's a heck of a question, Sal.

Over the years, science has come a long way. It's demystified much of the Universe. But one big question still remains completely unanswered: Where does consciousness come from? Is produced by the brain, to aid survival? Or is it an everlasting energy the brain picks up on?

The question is intriguing to two different camps: materialists and non-materialists. So far, neither has come close to proving that life is essentially physical or essentially spiritual.

All these interesting advancements in quantum physics (like the observer effect) are currently open to interpretation. This book, I believe, haven't read it yet, makes a case for consciousness being universal and ever-lasting, rather than individual and finite. This is an idea many of the great religions seem to circle around when you remove all the political crap.

[martin05]

Hi Sal :) ... Just responded in the other thread on the topic. I think is OK to ponder on it as long as it does not consume your life. I admit I ponder it often ... although have made some good gains of late. Meaning I feel more comfortable on the subject of life after death since researching more into consciousness.

Too right!

It's a truly fascinating topic, one I've been kind of obsessed with ever since I started pondering mortality as a kid. It's cool to think about, just gotta make sure you still go out and get your sunshine. ;)

[Ponder]

Yep ... the sunshine has helped to elevate my rather deflated mood of late; even if I have to fake that odd smile here and there. This one is real like I am sensing from you martin → :)

Given my turbulent background with the religion Christianity, it has taken me a long time to even consider the term spirituality. For me whilst religions may preach universal love and acceptance, I have to say from my perspective (which it would also now seem to be the case from many others; given the advent of information technology) that the actions of religious establishments, and their various followers go a long way to creating conflict and division. (As is the case of the preconditioned non believers - [patriots/nationalists] - is all one and the same) Contextually speaking I refer more to the ideology and dogmatic way, in which people ascribe to their beliefs. These establishments say they are open to all, however once new people (concepts & materials) are assimilated; boundaries are soon drawn. The preconditioning that goes into the fold embeds itself very deep that there is no taking the politics out. Not for those who still identify as separate due to their beliefs. It's a huge double bind - being a term that Alan Watts uses a lot.

Thankfully the bitterness that was eating me up for years as a result of the churches rejection, has slowly been subsiding; mostly due to taking on the term - spirituality - in a whole new light. Yes - spiritual teachers and spiritually inclined people seem very open to the concept of universal acceptance. So it is that there is a huge difference between religions that preached universal love and compassion, and then spiritually aligned people who are actually open and live by the light. I now beleive there are many individuals who are spiritually inclined, but due to most feeling compelled to identifying with their religion - the field in which they live only contributes to that which has been responsible for the insanity of human history and only serves to further constrict. Alas not everything is as it seems as I find just as much confusion in those who claim to be open to the light - who have been talking about some kind of shift I fail to see. Of course I have no doubt the latter is more to do with how I see.

One side of the coin is reliant on the return of a divine figure. Always around the corner ... just about anytime now, while on the other side of the coin, they have been claiming for the last 20+ years we are going through some kind of great shift.

The best I have been able to fathom is that the divine figure is already here. It's resides inside us all in the here and now. The shift is that which takes place within and is required that we may connect with our true selves. Not that which what we have been taught to identity with. The latter is a major hurdle that keeps us all from being one. When it comes to timing - WELL - "Beam me up Scotty!" because that's one hell of a head spin that requires more time with the trees.

For now I go do my thing at the gym. I'll make a point to take my "time" while I'm at it. Something this world has forgotten about. With a bit of luck maybe a divine figure will make an appearance with some kind of rapture taking place that leaves the gym empty just for me! lol - only kidding ... no offense. Drama hay ... even the Bible has it's own riveting series. Although I still do use the odd verse ... but no more in the way that does Eckhart Tolle.


___________________________

I pick back up on the whole shift from science into what I consider the more healthier and grounded approach to "New Age" more so "Breaking Ground" or "Frontier" concepts of Consciousness. There are so many bridges today it's hard to keep up and or lose ones way. The topic itself though make for an interesting view no matter where one is caught in the maze. When it doubt ... go from sitting next to a tree to becoming the tree. :)

Adios until next post.

___

Edit - The power of division from a religious perspective is so strong I give the following example. Since my brothers untimely death in May 2014 in which my mother and I have not spoken. My mum responded to my daughter from my offering to bridge the gap. The reply eventually made it's way in a round about way, unsettling others along the way. Ultimately the message was the same. In order to be accepted and I quote. "You must change."

I'm still dealing with that - that kind of rejection has been the story of my life - but it's OK ... I'm Going To Be OK. I AM OK : ) The trees accept me for who I am and that's good enough for me.

[Ponder]

Still have not gone to the gym yet ... got held up soaking up the sun with a smoothie in the backyard and then my wife called me in about a new toy she thought I be interested in:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zCuuvYX1PA

→ Release Date (http://www.pcadvisor.co.uk/new-product/gadget/dji-spark-release-date-price-features-specs-3659489/)

Now I said I would continue on with the topic of consciousness - BUT - for me this still is. :) The only reason I got rid of my last drone was because at the time not many people had them and it attracted too much negative attention. Other reasons included that size of my other drone being somewhat quite cumbersome making it a pain to go out and about with.

I've been waiting for something like this to be released after letting my other one go. Here's a few shots I took with the other one:

Click → Here (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/albums/72157647035603453)← to open my Drone Album - not too many in there as I did not have it for long although I learned everything there was to know about it in the sort time I had it.

https://c1.staticflickr.com/4/3947/15305445470_f9fe5838b0_h.jpg (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/albums/72157647035603453)

Of course I wont be aiming for the kind of altitude I was experimenting with in above pic. That particular model can go higher than that with the right gear and firmware adjustments. The legalities are just another nightmare and yet another reason why I gave up. It was an amazing tool all the same. The camera is nothing special - BUT - I made it sing for what it was. I know I will do the same with the newer more portable model. Whilst the DJI 3 and it variants then onto 4 and also its updated releases all have much better cameras - however half the battle is knowing where to point and how to frame. Doing so makes hyped up specs less important in my book. 1080 video is also more than good enough for me needs. Now I think about it, I can't wait till I am next able to obtain the DJI Spark mini drone. I think it's a mistake to adopt these things as toys. Doing so only limits the possibilities.

Release Date (http://www.pcadvisor.co.uk/new-product/gadget/dji-spark-release-date-price-features-specs-3659489/) ← I wont be getting for another 3 and a half months. About one month after the new Galaxy Note 8 comes out. Hopefully that one wont explode like the very few of the Note 7. I still have my Note 7 as I refused to send back. It takes great stills and video ... as well as records decent sound with the right mic.

Whilst the Spark is being sold more as a selfie cam / toy - It will make for a great portable tool for sharing videos of where I live without being overwhelmed and or drawing as much attention as my last drone did. See what happens. I enjoyed making that last vid. I think this is good timing for me. Will certainly make for some interesting perspectives in my vids. Let's hope I don't get all anxious and sell it before I've had a change to really show what it can do.

SO - that's the latest ... I best make a move and get to the gym while my blood is still surging. :)

[Ponder]

I went back down to the pond but did not have time to sit. It happens to be at the half way point of my current one hour walk. Just used my Samsung Mini smart phone. I enjoy using software on my computer to apply filters and get creative with the mouse. This is what I came up with:

Field Of Vision:
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4222/34111314613_03a4c0a040_o.jpg

The grass track running down the centre and skewing to the left is the path I take to sit by the pond which is banked a third of the way in from the right. I think I am getting better with not getting caught up in the process of taking photos. My compulsive tendencies can often get the best of me once I dive into things. Thankfully this kind of expression is something I have done for quite some time that it does not take too much of my memory to get back on the bike again. It's hard to imagine that from the view point I was standing in when taking this pic, that directly behind me was the hustle and bustle of cars, trucks and their associated noise and fumes. Ever since I sat down at that pond and did my last Vlog, the road side static has not been anywhere near as annoying as it previously was. Of course it still pays to pick one's times.

I'm still eating healthy, going to the gym and now making a point to get more sensible sun exposure. I've gone back to eating outside. Mostly in the morning and afternoon sun. These things alone with my now more meditative walks have me sleeping better now. I will aim to sit down by the pond at least twice a week to cap things off.

Tomorrow is the last day before we head off on out little trip. :)

It's actually not so little ... aprox 2000km:

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4196/34111730353_d7463faf10_o.jpg

Don't let those driving times fool you. I'd be lucky to drive several hours a day which would actually take 3 days to get there. I'd prefer to drive no more than 5 hours in the saddle then making it a 4 day trip one way. Given the price of petrol and accommodation, we decided to fly instead. Have also rented a car which will be waiting for us once we get off the plane. I doubt we will use it for transport in the city though. The car just worked out cheaper than the taxis. It costs like 70$Au to get from the airport to our Hotel. We also got a Hotel that we can cook in as well with a washer and dryer. I think we have planned it pretty well. I am looking forward to seeing my youngest son and his girlfriend. It's been a long time.

___________________

Well guys - I got to say I am now looking forward to that tiny drone I posted about before. I found an even better review → DJI Spark | In-Depth Review (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzCfbKrBlzM)

You know ... I would like to start smiling a lot more in my Vlogs. I'm going to try and be mindful of that. The truth is I rarely look into the camera that much. I often have to remind that a large part of Vlog Therapy is to build up my confidence. With so many bright stars now shining in our world, I feel a large majority of us hold ourselves back. That would make for a great topic as well.

Righto ... enough observations for one day. I think I will make a cuppa and actually do a little quiet sitting in my lounge room with all the displays switched off. Lisa went to be early tonight. She is not looking so well. I think my wife is still recovering from her recent stay in hospital. I remain optimistic though that Monday will see us both excited for this trip. I know am already am now. I'll take my little compact and computer ... but not going to pressure myself. Although I say that now.

That's a wrap for the day ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

Sun Therapy (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/albums/72157684347537095)
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4271/34090521364_aec7d94827_o.jpg

If there is one thing I could pull out of my Recovery Tool Box when all else fails; that would be Sun Therapy! You don't even have to be walking. (Although combined makes it doubly effective) Allow me to explain:

Whilst I had to get up and hit the screen on my phone to engage the self timer, I still had plenty of time to get back in my chair and forget about the fact I was taking a selfie. In the linear perspective I had 10 seconds to effective get my point across. I want to share one my of strengths that's quite simple to develop that will take your self help methods to the next level. That strength would be the Elimination of Time! The Timeless Now as Eckhart Tolle describes it. I cant quite remember the details as Eckhart so well puts it, but I don't have to and nor do you. Allow me to further explain:

My capacity for remembering is only as good as my ability to attach to those things that have meaning to me. This to me is a much healthier analogy than simply being told one is lazy. From a mental health perspective it's important not just to think positively but to understand why the act of doing so is important for one's recovery. When you live day in day out with zero self esteem, with a lack of confidence in one's ability to process in a world that just seems wrong and one in which you don't want to be; then the last thing we need is to hear others telling us to think positively.

I often talk about disconnecting. I do it often because for all my efforts and successes, I still struggle to coexist. I have a pattern of being up and down. I accept being positive as no more than gravitating to what feels healthier to me. This allows me to detach without feeling guilty. The world in which I live is full of Blame, Shame and Guilt when I am not participating. I think many of us feel this pressure. No doubt we all have our own perspective and views. This comes from someone that suffers mentally on a daily bases and does not easily fit the boxes into which I am expected to fit ... if I wish to be exempted from that which I am unable to contribute. This is how many of us end up with lack of confidence, purpose and will.

SO - It makes perfect sense that if we have lived with negative emotions that have riddled us unable for so long, that thinking positively is going to take a lot or WORK. A different kind of work to that most of us are accustomed with. Re-defining oneself is one approach , however the clinical process that focus on evidence based methods fail to fill the void for me. In fact the best way to understand how to re-define is to understand that process in itself dissipates once you realize that there are no boundaries that can contain who we really be. Yet the discovery of one's true self beneath all those self imposed barriers is not only an excellent pain reliever, but also the best medicine to counter the negative effects of living in a world that's rife on suppressing one's true nature.

Forgive me as I struggle to adequately express - allow me to get back on track:

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4252/34123216053_31f0c63582_o.jpg

LOL - is what it is ... getting back on track. It's so true as previously mentioned back others visiting my thread. Until you reach a certain state of suffering/stress - lack of desire to heal inhibits one's abilty to recover and thus we remain complacent, take short cuts with damning effects and thus lose our innate ability to connect. If for one moment you feel you have had enough but get bogged down thinking of all that effort related to what it takes to get back up ... trust me ... go sit in the early morning of afternoon sun and be open to it's healing power by dropping your worldly mask, your illusions, you false sense of self. It's all in the approach. Yea that sun has whatever properties that are either good or bad. Just as it is the same with food. I can eat healthy food but it amounts to nothing if I remain inactive, continually doubt, and or stay inside and remain fearful of the sun. This is how most of us are taught to live ... it IS how most of us now live. They give us labels, prescriptions and then tell us to avoid the sun.

I'm already seeing some massive improvements since I started my Vlogs and continual Journaling. There are a few things one should do in order to live back under the sun. exposure times, UV monitoring, sun safe foods, hydration, and adjusting ones clothing to suit whatever variables ... but those details are not what this post it about. I'm more about opening up to receive the healing power of the sun, how to allow it to charge us up like batteries that remain free from being sapped from a system in which I am then more able to simply let be. Live and let live type of thing. This last bit of text makes a lot more sense and matters little of my own misunderstood perceptions as others may struggle to see. It's a more universally accepted approach to acceptance itself. No doubt about it ... I'm a complex case ... but one in which I'm doing my best to become free.

We are not just prisoners to this world ... the first place from which we need to be freed is from the confines of our body. The only way to do that is to actually go inside as virtually none of us ... no longer have the ability to feel our way back in. Our wordy ways are all about keeping us from going within. It's a negative to see the world as the prison, but positive to see ourselves trapped within. It's a revolving door that requires tuning in - in order to inhabit both the in and out.



I don't think positive thoughts when unloading like this ... but do receive positive energy when facing the sun and opening up like a good little receptive bud.

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4223/34090518914_9397df89fb.jpg



Adios until next post. http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/tinfoil-hat_zpsrcd1j1pd.gif

[Ponder]

"Goodbye Katie" Says Anne with an E! ... I take it Anne was saying goodbye to her imaginary friend as she decides to return to school; opting out of becoming an atypical - expected wife. I could be wrong, but that's how I took it. I'm only half way through the series. It's been a good watch. Perhaps a reboot that's a little dark compared to the 80s series, (or so I have read - I will have to watch the older version now as I've not seen it) however it holds a lot of truths for me. Given my history and can very much relate to the girl in this story. Is probably why I talk to myself the way I do. LOL. Indeed Indeed. Although she is much smarter than me. She has a lot of strengths, I see them too. I think there is enough good in it over all compared to other butchered remakes of likewise classics.

I think she is AWESOME!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5qJXYNNINo

Bags packed ... early night. I got a plane to catch in the morning.

Adios ... until next post. :)

[Ponder]

What an INTENSE day it's been! The challenges have been many - BUT - I choose to instead focus on the two most awesome highlights of my day:

Coming in at a close 2nd was the most amazing site I had the privilege of seeing when turning my attention outside the airplane window!

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4243/34577782280_8e1e51dd25_o.jpg


BUT without a doubt, the best part of of my day was finally seeing and personally greeting my son once again:

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4204/34924243386_493356403f_o.jpg

I've got to say ... I am feeling pretty wasted. Driving in the City is completely drained me. Tomorrow we are off to the science museum. Looking forward to the planetarium side of things.

Adios ... until next post. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz

[Ponder]

Insanity 24/7 - Things ya do for your family. :) Off to hit the treadmill to get my blood pumping so I can drive through this damn city. I'd rather catch a tram, but they tell me driving the right way will only take 15 minutes compared to one our on public transport. My wife is feeling a little fresher today, so I will allow you the so called 15 minute drive. Here's to a good day minus the stream of panic attacks due to extreme noise and hordes of people. There seems to be no such thing as picking your times down here. I shall attempt to think Zen throughout the entire day. :)



https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4248/34843137911_95b91728e1_o.jpg


Below is Where I grew up for the most part In between foster homes and hitting the city gutter. Population has not changed much at all. I used to climb that mountain and follow the creek bed like most kids surf the internet these days:

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4219/34843559021_58cc9c6095_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/V61maB)

[gypsylee]

That's a nice pic of you and your son, Ponder :)

[Ponder]

Thx for saying so Gypsy. Nothing beats trying to think of a happy thought other than actually experiencing one. Here are a few more captures like so. This is one of me and my new daughter getting to know each other, although in this I can see just how the trip and city is starting to catch up with me. We drove out of Melbourne down to the serronto. About an hour and half south of Melbourne. It was really cold for us South East QLDers:

Our new family member is far more beautiful than I!

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4275/34948259326_7e231d0eba_c.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/VffXVh)


A bit earlier ... my son having a bit of fun with my wife and I as I encourage him to smile a little more:

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4273/34988374975_058a4706ca_h.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/ViNyUp)



And I'll throw in some more snap shots just for the hell of it:

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4272/34948260976_1ba4e1457d_h.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/VffYpJ)

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4195/34988375535_5e387dcf85_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/ViNz54)

[Ponder]

Adios From the Family Down Under:

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4204/34948258796_6674c7d35a_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/VffXL9)

Until Next Post :)

[martin05]

Been ages since I went to a Planetarium, but I remember loving it! The seats fell back and the roof became a projection of the night's sky. Really cool show.

Your wife looks like she had a blast. Nice to see you all in good spirits :)

[Ponder]

Enough Pics ... Time for some Text. Too many smiles can be like too much sugar : ) - Here's a little does of what's happening on the other side:

Hey martin05 – Yea, it’s been a huge couple of days but catching up with the kids has been restorative at the same time. Lisa was pretty much in noddy land Last night on the tram ride home after a meal out. We have another two full days here and then it’s back to the airport. Thankfully the stopover in Brisbane to catch the connecting flight back home is not a long one. This has pretty much been our only getaway in the 26 years we’ve been together. A far cry from the overseas trips our parents regularly take; not that we really care for such a lifestyle. I feel our connection with today’s reality from a grounded perspective is far stronger than that of most baby boomers - (the spoils of war & exploiters of the 80s) ["most" - ya get a few enlightened ones : ) - & let's not forget every generation has its own lessons to learn and typically blames the one that came before them.] ← reminds me of this → song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGDA0Hecw1k). ... but that’s another story.

Thankfully the young ones are thinking about moving back up our way to be closer to family sometime next year. See what happens. If not for our grandson who needs us more we would relocate in between them all periodically. Is important to stay connected in a way that counts. Digital connections are just not the same. We'll work it out.

Yea … I love the planetarium and have fond memories of it when I was a kid and last time I took my own when they were not much higher than ankle biters. I have to admit though that my interest and current understanding in consciousness makes the historical presentations of these science shows a little dry and lacking for my liking these days. I feel that way with most of the mainstream documentaries on Pay TV actually. None the less it will make for a good night sky viewing and brush up on the latest with observational history and hopefully some detailed information into future scopes already on the build.

We did go yesterday but left due to the 1 million school kids running about the place. We did not time that very well at all. We are going back this afternoon sometime after lunch to try one more time. Find peaceful times to go out in this city living is proving quite the challenge.

In fact I am finding that an interesting topic to maybe write bout later. If been observing hordes of people scrambling and shouldering each other to get into trams. The constant noise that’s in and out of buildings does not allow many places of refuge. Many of the restaurants play loud music which leads me to believe that sitting in silence must be considered a radical pastime for most city living individuals. I would have thought when it came to eating a meal after rushing about the place that such would be a good time to sit and relax. Boy was I wrong! I’m sure there must be a few places like the library and maybe the odd quiet place here and there … but unless you’re in the know … best a tourist can do is go hide back in their motel. I know there is the analogy that one gets used to it, however I got to say that the expressions on most of the inhabitants face pain/t another story in between all their hustle and bustle.

I’ll tell you another observation Lisa came up with … “Where are all the people with their walking aids? --- Hardly a walking stick to be seen in sight?” Then we starting looking more intently for such a bracket of society and were astonished that there was hardly such people to be observed at all. Of course not ... I considered ... How could they possibly keep up with such a pace that sees even the fittest having to be careful of not getting their arms or feet caught in a door? Ding Ding!!!

This was a rather somber thought as Lisa was brought up in Syndey and I even remember when living on the streets some 30 years ago that there did seem to be more older people about. Things have changed … that’s for sure. Hustle and bustle and has upgraded its speed to beyond the capacity for society’s economically unviable non-participants. Only the healthier elderly types dressed in their smarts seem to receive a hand from the spritely squeaky clean young. Image is an extreme commodity in itself and like I said I hope I get some more time to write more about this. I guess I already am. Of course this comes from an entirely unique view and I hardly expect anyone to understand where it is that I myself am coming from. In fact no doubt my assessments would be too hard to cop for those whom have their sights firmly set on “success.” It truly is a dog eat dog world out there.

Sure there are plenty of smiles … but mostly from those serving others who they know have the means to pay their way. Of course those paying are smiling back for such is the life to be served. So it is that you have this false sense of gratitude and festive splurge taking place in between periods of work; but at what cost?

I used to watch sci fi films back in the 80s that depicted this kind of society. I highly doubt that any kind of shift is coming soon enough to save the human race. She’ll be right, let’s make a reservation and discuss this another time over lunch!

Is what it is. Thankfully other than those who seemingly struggle with my son’s interracial relationship (surprised that hang-up still exists in places like Melbourne - seems to exist from both side of the racial fence … very weird … I put it down to the fact that it’s just one of many triggers for unhappy people) I’m getting the odd smile here and there as I do my best to remain impartial and obliged. Yea yea … far be it for me to be impartial. I do try though. I really do.

Actually on the interracial aspect with my son and his partner – It makes me happy to see how much more bonded they become when in the presence of negative energy that protests as often as it does. They do well not to focus on it and thus … it does not exist. A good lesson to be seen from my perspective on such. They still see it from time to time but once again … their relationship just seems to become stronger all the more as a result from it.

Lisa just appeared from her room … she’s actually looking pretty wasted! She was just saying how the homeless people here are more numerous than in Sydney and how they are out all day in plain sight with their signs giving some kind of reason to their plight. Defiantly an expensive city. We had to clear $2000au off our credit card just for toll ways, public transport, eating and going out for the week in order to remain stress free. That’s not even counting airfares or accommodation. That’s what I mean about these folk that travel the world and brow beat others about what it is that they’re with doing or not. You get the drift.

Well … it’s time to put on our pretty little masks, find a broom stick each, shove it up our butts, grab the credit card and go and see what Melbourne has on offer today.

OK enough editing ... have a good day/evening folks.

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Day Three - Melbourne. I am SMASHED !!! - Lets start with at the beginning shall we. (I am also smashed at the time of writing this.) Here we go:

Beginning for Day Three:

Day Three Melbourne ... "Lets do the trams again!!!"

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4271/34624313440_9a8b82a108_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/UKCE6o)


1st things 1st !!!:
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4246/34624313200_180ac06ab3_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/UKCE2f)


OK - I'm down with China Town : )
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4248/34847982762_b571c2315d_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/V6p2c1)

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4201/34624312570_f56da9afa1_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/UKCDQo)

OH BOY!!!

[Ponder]

LOL
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4220/34847979792_5e9e2c5be2_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/V6p1iN)

Where too next?
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4267/34847982372_5f0a8fb79f_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/V6p25h)


MMMM - My next present from Mother In Law ... Sigh

​https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4267/34624311660_1d2a93c329_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/UKCDyG)


YAY - SCRAP BOOKING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4197/34847981892_e5b1dce7dd_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/V6p1W1)

[Ponder]

I agree with the old fella - Too much noise to digest food here - No Thanks:

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4269/34624310840_2a55554069_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/UKCDjy)


Seriously ... What's wrong with this guy?

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4276/34847981592_2b38ff6a44_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/V6p1QQ)



AWESOME ... CHESS SET - SOLD!!!!!
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4268/34624310140_3d396f6fcf_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/UKCD7u)


Best not kiss her this time. : )
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4243/34847980902_83ba545e97_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/V6p1CW)

[Ponder]

OK SON ...Your freaking out the girl behind us ...
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4252/34624309090_08cd93cdb5_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/UKCCNo)

Oh - We're Hipsters Now : )
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4203/34847980482_c25fa8fefc_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/V6p1vG)

BEHAVE YOURSELF!!!
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4199/34624308330_5852368f48_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/UKCCzh)


MY SON THE CHEF : ) - Eating In @ The Hotel:
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4244/34847980242_2553294ba0_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/V6p1ry)

[Ponder]

Well Done Son!!!
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4198/34971743976_f8a379be91_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/Vhkk63)


NOW WE'RE TALKING !!! - !!!
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4199/34624307430_6c87fc40b1_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/UKCCiL)


Adios Until Next Post !!!
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4219/34624306680_7bfd4dc2d1_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/UKCC5Q)

[Dahila]

:toothgrin::toothgrin::toothgrin::toothgrin::tooth grin::toothgrin: what a feast, I just thought I will check on Mr. D and such awesome pics..............you look happy and the last pic, D you do not drink hehe

[Ponder]

Hi Dahila - Is great to see you again D! Thanks for checking in. I need someone to do that from time to time.

Yea ... I kind of broke all the rules on this holiday. I think drinking water in between the alcohol helped me somewhat. Lisa made sure I did not leave the Hotel and his all the expensive bottles that were already in the fridge. hehe.

This morning I managed to hit the treadmill for a good 45 minute session which I am sure helped heaps. Later went out for breakfast which also did the trick. Still feeling a bit tired, but looking forward to sobering up some more in the outside chilly weather. My son is on his over now actually. I think he is feeling worse than me. :)

Turns out my home town gym is the same as the one next door to the hotel. I went there last night before having my son came over. There hardly any space in which to move so I resorted to using the Hotel gym. I got to say my tinnitus has not stopped since getting off the air plane but is all good ... I am used to it for now.

Lisa and I are looking forward to heading back home and resuming our normal eating habits. Also looking forward to the fresh air and what's for sure going to seem even now so more → Peace & Quiet. Comparatively Speaking.
_____________________________________________

Thanks again for popping in D. I hope your market stall is still rocking like the last time you mentioned. You have worked hard and deserve all the good you get back from that. I really loved the photos you showed. Your skills just keep getting better! Oh Yea ... I saw a tarot card reader at the markets. I really wanted to go in but Lisa and J were pushing me for time. Perhaps another time. We have a psychic get together in and around our time from time to time. Hope you and your family our well D.

Son & Daughter just about here now ... time to go to the markets and city museum. I think we are going to give the science show the flick as too far away. Today we just want to stay close to the hotel.

Again ... really great to see you. Thanks for popping in. : )

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/DJ_zpslepdbeqk.gif

[Ponder]

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Heading Home in the morning!

[Dahila]

Hi D. markets the last two weeks so so, but my rent for the booth went up so I am kind of pissed, Well we will see.
You said you did broke the rules, Yeah they are the rules, and the mean to be broken from time to time. Do not feel guilty about it. You had a nice time and a lot of adventure, when you go back home, there will be that sweet memories, Your son looks very happy to see you guys. :)
I am checking it every two days or so, but lately I have no much to say. :)

[Ponder]

I understand how busy you get D. I also know you enjoy making your products. I remember well the disincentive that comes with upping the stall rents. Upping the rent could backfire on them. Perhaps the silver linning may be less competitors due to rivals shutting shop? Let's face it; your stall is of outstanding quality and service!
---------------

Lol @ going all slack on my consumption whilst on holiday. Just going to eat now before the first plane leaves. Already had salad, susshi, rice papper roles + TWO Apple Custard Crumble Donuts! With a cup of tea and 2 sugars. :)

Off for another bite.

Adios until next post :)

[Ponder]

HOME SWEET HOME!!!
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4266/34204716564_00d8b7a99b_o.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4266/34204716564_00d8b7a99b_o.jpg)

Back on the command seat. ... with three new things. The first is a toy airplane for my grandson who will use more than I. The second is my new Man Bag which is actually quite versatile with what it can carry. The last being my favorite of all - an OCD flicky thing that I can't stop playing with!

I am seriously tired but think I will make a herbal tea and do one more post before bed. I need to make up some new goals and affirm them. Back soon enough and then bed ... ZZZzzzzzz.

[Ponder]

Body Maintenance: Without no real concrete times ... back in the Gym tomorrow reverting to full body workout every second day at medium intensity with focus on high reps. Over all goal fitness wise is to up my cardio with special attention on my usual clean eating. Special attention more meaning on serving sizes as well as timing and hydration. I know what needs doing ... just a matter of seeing it through for a couple of weeks whilst matching the intake of calories depending on how much I wish to move.

So that's the Body Maintenance side of things. Sounds simple enough. Now ... let's talk:

Mind Management! - I will keep up my Vlogs, although work on savoring some of the good cheer I was able to muster up on recent trip. If I am not careful it's easy to let negativity creep on back in and allow life to get too serious again. Alas ... is not so easy to keep all that cheer going once the money runs out - BUT - I have this space and enough tools to live and share as I do. How does one keep the joy going once the planes stop flying and you've landed for the last time? Good question!


Start Playing Chess: (something I enjoy and is good for my brain!)

I did say I was done with the Men's group (for now at least) BUT - I might seeing if anyone is up for playing chess. Alternatively I could start attending the local library on Saturdays with an acquaintance in mind (or bite the bullet and go by myself - bit scary though ... hmmm ... if I do that, I can take my 80's retro computer chess set and play by myself with a good chance one of the old players may - maybe - introduce themselves; Yea ... that sounds like a plan! Ditch My Tuesday group for Chess with the oldies at the Library ... possibly some young folk too. Done! - but too tired tomorrow ... see what happens.


Sensible Sunshine with Meditative Walks/Conducive Environments!

Without a doubt getting back under the sun (sensibly so with my body naturally tuned & protected without the need for all the marketing BS) was a major factor in my success to completing my last goal of being fit and ready before heading off to see my son. Keeping up healthy Sun Exposure is still high on my To Do List! I can combine walking but no need to march as I was last doing. When I say meditative walks, I am more referring to the speed. I still rate listening to podcasts on topics I enjoy and can easily assimilate still in the class of one form of meditation for me. When time is not an issue I will take my hiking chair and do some quiet sitting in the odd suburban spot. Perhaps some urban observations from my chair with camera and or tiny binoculars. Combining these laid back activities will help me with physical recovery and of course proper sound sleep! Which in turn restores the brains functionality most effectively.


SLEEP!
Something which I am going to focus on big time. The healing power of sleep is something I have been underestimating for far too long now. I have a good grounding on the subject so have no excuses. I just have to practice it in the same way I do with most other things I enjoy. Bringing in all the elements of the above should bring make this part of my mental health plan a more naturally occurring one. I think this will be the key factor in Mind Management. Seeing a therapist is great, but sleeping is way better when it comes to mind management. Just research the Science Of Sleep.
________________________________

That's the plan to get back on track! I actually don't think I have strayed to far ... if anything I'm just fine tuning. The main thing is to keep momentum going and avoid letting in that lull that often sees my plummet. Just need realistic goals doing things I enjoy. No need to push so hard now as I reached my previous goals and also no deadlines in sight. Next Vlog I think more along the lines of continuing to affirm the above ... or talking about doing things I like. Stuff that keeps my up beat ... spirited ... in a healthy state of mind.

Best get some of the quality sleep. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Adios until next post. ;)

[Ponder]

Vlog 8 - (Holiday is over - Back to Reality) Got up @ 5:30 am and started the day with a quick Vlog to consolidate my intention to get back into my healthy routine. I repeat myself quite a bit as I plunge on through the brain fog to complete this vid. If anything a good comparison video for my own sleep study:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZmT9nEJlhE&feature=youtu.be

Let the games begin!

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

I'll say this much. You can join whatever site you want in the hope it may to take away your pain ... but in the end, it means squat unless "your" the one "doing" what it takes. Hence my signature of late.

I ended up playing chess and got slaughtered each time. None the less I had a good time. I'l go back next week and see if I can win one game.

Adios ... until next post.
____________________________

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zz

[Ponder]

Emotional Control - The key to thriving on less.

Control being a factor in letting go + acceptance.

AKA as The ability to regulate emotions. I want to learn more about this in my quest to live on less.

Just taking notes and setting a new intention for my next project. I thought about this line of thinking a few times now but have not yet taken notes.
____________________________________

Time to go to the markets. Transition is everything. We anxious types tend to chemically alter way to quick when going from one mode to the next, from one place to the next and so on. This is when cortisol lvles negatively fluctuate, then affected sleep which in turn affects lectin which all combined during the moment of flustering in our heads and from one spot to the next ... and thereafter

we feel hungry when really not ... bad choices follow and than one's ability to digest ... metabolic rates does little and result is increased weight and over all reduction in health and well being.
________

Very sketchy notes ... Is all good ... I have reallocated space like the process of defragging my lap tops storage drive. Nothing like a few good deep breaths and doing what I enjoy - or doing what feels goods when I know not what I enjoy. I know #*&^ all - but love to feel!

I am this day once again prepping for a water fast record which for me is 6 days without food ... just plain filter water. I'll give myself two weeks from now ... just eating clean ... no processed garbage whatsoever, no meats or animal foods and yadda yadda.

Emotional Control - The key to thriving on less.

Then two weeks from now ... I stop eating point blank. Yea yea ... we have heard all this before Dave:

WE SHALL SEE! Have fun journaling the next two weeks of eating super clean!!!

Next entry - What is Eating Super Clean? What on earth does that even mean?

Stay tuned for more.

Adios until next post. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/bye/im-outta-here-bye-bye-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

What do I mean by clean eating? To be honest, that's too much to think about right now. I know what it means and how to do it ... that's all that counts. Super clean eating ... well that's just me being strict is all. For now I'll just keep it simple with giving meat the flick for the next few weeks as I prep for my next torture test. Going without food is no easy task. For some ... they do it all the time. Despite my claims of eating clean and eating less, I have to admit that I love my food.

Lisa seems to be stuck in coffee shop mode since coming back from out trip. Although none of us really drinks coffee, I don't mind. Today we found a decent enough place although the TV was to loud. Thankfully they turned it down upon request. We were the only ones there. We had a hot scone, pinch of butter and jam. I then ended up getting a camera slice to share with cream on the side. I figured "Oh well - at least it don't have meat" [although I will return to such in moderation when the time is right] ... I'll burn it off between then and during my morning treadmill run; or so I'm now telling myself. I guess eating clean has room for treats every now and then. I reason the positive vibes that come from OMG! Yum Yum and having my wife to stop me from going over the edge helps to keep my cortisol lvls on track.

I did not give myself many rest days on the build up to my holiday - so am feeling like my body is still reaping the benefits with days off. I've been back into the gym a few times now, but making my long treadmill runs steady enough ... and lightening the load when lifting the weights. The plan with increased cardio seems to be on track as well as hitting more my core. Seems less of a chore actually and I'm liken that.

Not much else to plan really. Just going to ride the rest of the week out and see how things line back up. Will work out my times to fit my grandson back into the mix ... morning walks/runs along the beach. He responds just as effectively as I when it comes to such things. Granddad and his little 3 yold grand kid running down the beach. No use looking after myself if I can't help someone else. Yea ... I best get to bed and get in some of those quality ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzs

http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/farting/dutch-oven.gif I think this is why I was kicked out of bed after 26 years and now have my own room. It happens - oh well ... will have to wait until the next hotel trip ;)

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

Today's Snap Shots whilst out on my granpa walk late this afternoon. Keeping motivated with no purpose in mind - I was as fixated on the vacant lot as I am with my new fidget spinner!


This one held my gaze for quite some time:
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4247/34301218713_c753efa09f_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/Ug5HhD)


Safer than staring at the sun:
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4284/35071431946_7673bcca42_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/Vr9fR9)


A good place to take my seat for that expansive feel:
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4239/34301220803_fc165e38ca_o.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/Ug5HUF)

Good day over all - time for bed and on with the next day. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

PS - Today I could be found sprinting up and down the sports field ... if you happened to be driving by early this morning that is. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/lol-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

Time to take a small break from my journaling.

See you soon enough.

[Ponder]

LOL - just can't stay away. Because it means SO MUCH to my stability I am cutting and pasting my previous response in another thread in here as well - DON'T SKIMP ON SLEEP:
___________

We all lead different paths but the human body is pretty much the same - as too - is its requirements when it comes to sleep. Science may be struggling with things like consciousness and the after life however when it comes to things like sleep ... the general consensus is that the human body needs at least 8 hours of "qualtiy" sleep for it to make adequate repairs. Those repairs being vital to our brain. The body's lymphatic system is what cleans our blood. Sleep is the only state in which our brain cells our able to rejuvenate. During the deep sleep the cerebrospinal fluid in the brain increases dramatically, washing away harmful waste proteins that build up between brain cells during waking hours.

"Our poor sleeping habits are filling our brains with neurotoxins" (https://qz.com/424120/our-poor-sleeping-habits-could-be-filling-our-brains-with-neurotoxins/)

"How Sleep Clears the Brain" (https://www.nih.gov/news-events/nih-research-matters/how-sleep-clears-brain)

I highly recommend researching the science of sleep (https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Sleep+and+fluid+in+the+brain) to truly understand just how important it is to our daily functioning. The quality of sleep hygiene, habits, routine, duration and state of rest dictate one's ability to function and cope throughout waking periods.

The differences in peoples physiology may require different chemical adjustments however when it comes to the cleansing process and the importance of sleep; the human body's requirement is virtually the same. Once you realise just how "vital" sleep is to one's health ... those who want to be as well as can be will not skimp on sleep.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVQlcxiQlzI


BODY POSITION DURING SLEEP
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/body%20posture_zpsbagbdjti.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L8TPckAsNU)


FLUID IN THE BRAIN
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/sleep%20cleaning%20the%20brain_zpstg1ld6x0.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COFgTI_-1IM)

Don't Skimp On Sleep! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

When language fails:

The Meaning of Existence

Everything except language
knows the meaning of existence.
Trees, planets, rivers, time
know nothing else. They express it
moment by moment as the universe.

Even this fool of a body
lives it in part, and would
have full dignity within it
but for the ignorant freedom
of my talking mind.

By Les Murry (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Les_Murray_(poet)) (Australian Poet) from Poems the Size of Photographs, 2002

[Ponder]

Goodnight my friends - Big Day tomorrow with Me, myself and Irene!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJeNvH2hmPM

You'd have to see the movie to understand. Thankfully he gets good help in the end. :)

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

V log 9 - My Bad - Srry Guys. I uploaded a failed Render. Here is the correct version. No details to report ... I am late getting into bed. All the info is in the vid. ( I hope I get it right this time http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hand-gestures/facepalm-gesture-smiley-emoticon.gif )

Driving in my car, Running @ the sports ground & back in my kitchen:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MGSp2ilCE8

Wishing others all the best for the road on which they travel.

Adios until next post.

Edit ... it seems to be uploaded but with no thumnail. I'm letting it be for now ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif

[Ponder]

Vlog 10 - Eating Less Day Two. All is fine. Still having fun playing with the video editing software; Adobe After effects. I actually downloaded open source video editing software (OPENSHOT VIDEO EDITOR (http://www.openshot.org/download/)) which is fully functional unlike most freeware versions. I'd like to learn and show others how easy it is to throw a few clips together so others can do their own vloging. It really is a great way to build up one's confidence and set new goals. More so in helping to keep on track with newly set goals. I've only been using my phone and a cheap 2$ wired mic from china hooked up to an older smart phone I have.

Here's a link to a site that talks about the benefit of vloging. From a mental health perspective where your not trying to sell anything, you really cant lose.
How Vlogging Can Improve Your Mental Health (http://www.lifehack.org/370649/how-vlogging-can-improve-your-mental-health)

I don't think you need expensive equipment like a DSLR and think the focus on high quality content and gloss puts a lot of people off. Especially in the area of mental illness where many of us struggle with confidence as is. I think the same could be said for journaling and blogging. Each to their own I guess. I'm all for encouraging the underdog. Most likely because I see myself as one and not in a real hurry to forget where I have come from ... although driven to connect with others as best I can. I think SAS (another mental health forum) had a video page on their site. Might check it out once more.

Anyways I log this one in here as is my place of comfort at this present time:

Vlog 10 - EATING LESS - Day Two:
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Eating%20less%20pic_zpsqnqn3ely.jpg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwOaw3KImpE&feature=youtu.be)

Time to catch some ZZZZZZZs - Adios until next post.

[Dahila]

that group must be interesting, Could you scan the page with instruction (chakras tapping) and post here< I would appreciate it, nice video my handsome friend, the peace within you is awesome

[Ponder]

Thanks for the kind words D. I am way over my bed time tonight - BUT - I Promise I will investigate EFT for both all of us. The presenter sent my some resources in my email and I will scan later for you as well. I will just need a few days to get it all togeather and or other the next few days I will start posting on EFT in here as I gather all the relevant info I can.

Hope you and yours are well. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/smile/free-msn-smile-smiley-emoticon.gif

For now I pass this on but in not particular order as I have not checked them out:

https://www.emofree.com/ (http://www.emofree.com)

http (http://www.eftuniverse.com/)://www.eftuniverse.com (http://www.eftuniverse.com/)/ (http://www.eftuniverse.com/)

https:// (https://www.youtube.com/user/eftwizard/videos)www.youtube.com/user/eftwizard/videos (https://www.youtube.com/user/eftwizard/videos)

http:// (http://eft.mercola.com/)eft.mercola.com (http://eft.mercola.com/)

http (http://www.nickortner.com/)://www.nickortner.com (http://www.nickortner.com/)/ (http://www.nickortner.com/)
http://petastapleton.com (http://petastapleton.com/)/ (http://petastapleton.com/)

http://stressproject.org (http://stressproject.org/)/ (http://stressproject.org/)

http:// (http://battletap.org/home.aspx)battletap.org/home.aspx (http://battletap.org/home.aspx)

[Dahila]

youtube and mercola is good, the rest is paid, nothing to gain there, thank you D. ;)

[Ponder]

Thanks D. Just checked out those links and your assessment sounds spot on to me. I had a big day and late night last night so off to bed early. Was good catching up on FB :) TY for the chat. Much appreciated.
________________________

No vlog for today but will share my diet entry as is helping me keep on track:


Big Day - Early Night. Went really well once again with eating less and keeping it clean.


Went a little like this:

Woke up and had Lemon Water.
Went to the Gym.
Came back and had half a Paw Paw.
Later had a Herbal Tea (digestive)
drank water and did some yard work then had some home made prune juice.
Did more Yard Work then had my main meal:
Steam Veggies + Home Processed Broad/Fava Beans with home made Ginger,Chili, Honey ← (tea spoon), sauce using virgin coconut oil as a base.
More water whilst out and about then had some coconut water
Had a super salad for dinner followed by digestive tea.

I'm ready for bed.

Tomorrow I catch up on some lose ends so I make space to learn more about this EFT.


NOTE* I felt alert and comfortable whilst doing my yard work. Core routine is going well too. Something else I have been working on.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Just quickly ...Note* "Even though I have this _____________, I deeply and completely accept myself" I struggled with the last part of that statement during the EFT induction whilst processing the information before doing group. At first I reasoned that I already accept myself and found the "set up statement" might set up a predisposition or hold me back in some way. After the induction and then during group whilst the others spoke out loud I remained silent due to this conflict I found withing this universal statement. I decided to give in and join in reciting as we practiced the method. I am glad I did. I felt an immediate reduction in tension both within myself and also of that, to which I sensed in the room once I joined in. The facilitator new I had an issue with the statement so it was no surprise to me to sense his appreciation when began to participate when I did. I also noticed it in others. I beleive many of us in that room are quite sensitive people. The conflict I once had with the statement seemed to wane very quickly as I felt acceptance pretty much straight away as soon as I joined in.

I pondered on this later ... and began to understand why my mind resisted as it did. My response initially was to explain I thought "I will be kind to myself" was a better fit for me as in chaining the EFT set up statement being (on the initial tapping) → "Even though I have this _____________, I deeply and completely accept myself" - TO - "Even though I have this _____________, I will be kind to myself" My mind was and has a tendency to focus on things outside myself ... especially when it comes to blame. The last part is hard to explain. No matter the long list of reasons my mind would like to come up with, I can see now that the initial statement fits rather quite well. In fact it makes perfect sense to me now. My resistance to it is now in fact spotlighted and something of a revelation to myself.

Making deep connections with people, places and things is important. My struggle is mostly the way I assimilate information as well as relay it. Tuning In is something I need to do before I can function with even the most basic of information.

Loosing track now ... but it was an important revelation for me to note before calling the day quits. I'd like to talk more about this process of tuning in when it comes to such healing techniques. If not for all the opening up to Echkart and Watts ... I might of missed why it was I resisted like so.

Another big revelation I got from that group other than resistance to accept myself - was the importance of thinking in terms of SENSES - when attempting to connect with unknown and obscure blockages within one's body meridian. You see in the setup statement one is to fill in the blank line → "Even though I have this _____________, I deeply and completely accept myself"

The idea is to identify some kind of negative barrier in one's life ... a trigger. Knowing how the system works is one aspect ... the other in knowing what you want to use it for. Universally I think its best to work with emotion - yet it is so personal to each individual often triggered by events, places, people, things and so on.

SO in the blank space you look to Identify the barrier/trigger and also to then include some kind of positive affirmation. I know the term affirmation is worn out these days - the point is to put alongside the less than desirable trigger as positive phrase that seeks to console and provide resolution. Affirmations loose their charm quickly because so many people use them for short term fixes that even when they do work result in short term gains.

I will come up with an example on how I will create my own "set up statement" for the beginning part of the tapping procedure.

Hmmmm:

"Even though I have this _____________, I deeply and completely accept myself"

"Even though I struggle with unrelenting thoughts that scratch the walls inside my head and leave me with an uncontrollable itch -
I will sleep soundly tonight whilst my mind gives way to soothing thoughts as I deeply and completely accept myself"

Righto - sound on par for a beginner to this process. FIRST - I identified a root cause and have given myself something to work with. I also put some thought into describing this uneasy "feeling" I tried to give it some kind of tangible sense ... I did what I could to connect with it. Using temperature seems to be a common theme however for this I leave it out for now. I agree temperate is good and should be used whenever one can. Cooling Pain or Warming loneliness - kind of thing. Temps for anxiety can be all over the place when first starting with racing thoughts so I get to temps later. I am very much a visual person and struggle with language. Color will do when words fail. Point is I did what I could to feel the pain that keeps me from well rested sleep or keeping focused in general.

SECOND - The following part of the statement accepts the first part by matching the discomfort with comfort in a way that stays true to the feeling - to the sensing - to connecting in a way that brings both visual/mental and physical relief. The beginning and end part of the entire statement work well in a similar way. EVEN THOUGH - acknowledges the hardship, whilst I DEEPLY AND COMPLETELY ACCEPT MYSELF prevents resistance through compassion.

Something like that.

I do know from experience when it comes to self hypnosis opening oneself up to receive and tune it is vital to Identifying blockages - I knew that without even knowing anything about scripting ones own issues. I was using Guided self hypnosis which is a great way to start. I have always been naturally good at tuning in. I think this EFT is the next step for me to start scripting my own resolutions. That combined with the energy meridian and my recent reading on energy psychiatry ... I think this new group is going to be a very powerful tool indeed! The thing to remember as was pointed out to me ... is that the T in EFT is plural as in Technique'S

Thankfully I have a good understanding in many of them as well as practiced them.

Anyways ... see what happens. Just thought I should start talking more about this kind of thing.
______________________________

Now it's definitely time for my Soothing Sleep - please do excuse the bed sheets. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep.gif
Adios until next post. ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Smiles - because I know it's yet another wall of text. : ) - Day 4 Now. I think I nailed yesterday from Caloric & Nutritional point of view. It was enough to sustain me yet allow my body to heal. I understand the amount and type of fuel will change as my physical and emotional requirements demand (call for). In this respect Tuning In to one self is key and I think I am starting to fine tune this crucial element. My approach is getting better with each time I say "No" to unhealthy choices and reassess my self. My determination, passion and desire for healing are starting to pay off. I was reminded by a good friend to pat myself on the back for the transformation I have enabled for myself. Thanks good friend for the recognition; I now pat myself on the back. : )

There is more I would like to write, however I have to admit that Day 4 is presenting me with a sense of taking it easy. It's not something I can put into words at this point other than if I wish to let my body heal itself from consumption point of view, that I need to allow my body to physically relax today in order to let this emotional knot that seems to be surfacing.

I did some tapping last night before I went to bed. I just shortened my new set up statement that connected with last night and did more tapping than chanting of said statement. I felt I had made a strong enough connection in the process of formulating my statement so was more than content to just say "I will sleep soothingly tonight" - "I will sleep soothingly tonight" - "I will sleep soothingly tonight"

I believe that's the process of EFT ... to design and connect deeply with the initial set up statement which is used with the first part of tapping and then follow on with a shortened version of statement whilst tapping 5 times on each of the appropriate and following points. I will of course nail the process in the coming weeks. My point is that time I took with my post and connecting with desire - combined with purification of my more mindful eating - IMO - is helping me with the crucial element of tuning in, connecting with those blockages; even when I am unable to articulate what that is.

On that point, I know that today is a day for taking it easy. Not meaning to lay around the place, but just to implement those strategies that allow me to function well without over loading my bodies needs.

Hence I now go for a long walk whilst it's still twilightish - finish off catching up on house hold chores (get on top of things today) as well as do some mild yard work now that the hard yakka is out of the way. Get some sunlight (sensibly so) and reap the benefits of being in a place that does not require pushing too hard in order to receive.

That's a wrap for now.

Adios ... Until next post.

PS - I have been creating my own random stretching routine throughout the day which has been a huge help to helping deal with both cravings and pain.

[martin05]

EFT has always interested me. I've tried to deal with certain traumas and emotional repressions through writing, but I've always been tempted to give EFT a go.

I guess I've underestimated it because it seems so simple. But if I recall correctly, the science behind it is pretty interesting.

Thanks for being the human guinea pig lol.

[Ponder]

lol Your most welcome martin.

D requested if I could provide the hand out I brought home. I found some time this morning to quickly scan and upload to my google drive. I will share the following link for those interested. Please do let me know if the link is working correctly. TY

HAND OUT:
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B4GaeJRR5gXCSm5YZzdUQzFsNUk


I guess EFT is a process that takes time and like I always keep saying, 'It's all in the approach.' Understanding the process helps. I hope that hand out helps a little with that. I note the website address on the document as:
www.emofree.com (http://www.emofree.com)



However like D noted, the site requires money and I'm in line with D's thinking on that. Not for me, but perhaps others may wish to invest. I'm spending more "time" than money and thankfully have the support of the disability employment agency that's allowing my to attend session and learn for free.

On that note I am requesting the full slide show presentation that I had the privilege of viewing during my induction. If anyone is interested I will do my best to acquire and then share in my online diary in here.

Thanks for expressing an interest martin. I hope you and yours are well. Always nice when you drop in. :)

I go put in that request for the slide show presentation. I actually recorded the induction - I'm uploading now from my phone.
_______________________________________

If you do listen I recommend using earplugs/headphones and turning all the way up due to my phones inbuilt mic. This induction was held at a disability employment services facility with myself and another guy (I only just met) plus the my old mentor who's helping me get back on the PHaMs Service (Personal Mentors & Helpers Service) There may be some annoyances along the way such as my asking a lot of questions. I was nervous as usual and regrettably interrupted a few times.

I often like to ask lots of questions and if you listen you will hear me resisting the notion of "...deeply and completely accepting myself". I also later get frustrated latter slapping myself in the head as I struggle with the presenters need not to engage in my questions OR what I, at that time felt as if he was cutting me off. I now see I was doing the same to him by voicing my conflicts as they arose and soon stopped asking questions.

At the end of the day it was a good lecture and I like I said, I ended up participating later on whilst in group session (with others like myself) that shortly followed that induction. I did indeed come to deeply and completely accept myself. :)

If you just filter out the annoyances and understand the context in which this induction was presented as mentioned above ... you can still get a lot out of this presentation. The guy himself is also a mentor working within the PHaMs project and I actually get along well with him. He is into Past Life concepts, Healing others from a distance and all that kind of thing.

Righto it's uploaded now ... I'll link then look into sourcing the actual slides used:

HERE is the Recording I took with my phone at the EFT Induction [Sound File] before I met with others like myself for a group session → https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B4GaeJRR5gXCUjVGekp2ZWNONTQ

Have a good day guys.

Edit ... looks like you need to download the file due to the file being too large for Google Drive to stream. No issues (tested and working after download ... all good) Just download it if your interested in listening.

[Ponder]

Eating Less End of Day 4:

Lemon Juice
Half a Paw Paw
Soup
Small amount of Watermelon
Large Salad
Coconut Water
3 X Herbal Teas Spread evenly throughout the day

Before bed I am going to cold press an apple with 1 pear and a small bit of ginger.


I hear it’s good to aid in digestion. The last time I had apple and pear juice before bed I felt pretty damn good the next morning and there seemed to be no issues with weight gain, although I would need to experiment long term to know for sure. I’ll be mindful of that if I continue that continue. I think tonight it will serve me good.

Had a fairly relaxed day with light yard work and an early morning 1 hour walk.
____________________________________

Felt a bit tired through some of the day … especially after eating my home made curry cabbage and sweet potato soup. My wife and daughter liked it very much.

Tomorrow I will exercise but be sure to start including my cold press vegetable juice back into the current dietary plan that I seem to be finalising for the next week or so.

I feel like I am fasting although still eating. Happy to continue recording my progress. I do believe after day seven I will start cutting out legumes and upping the amount of vegetable juice. It’s a long shot but from day 7 onto day 14 … I hope to be strong enough to begin a water fast that may or may not last.
This eating less and eating clean has been spurred with the intention to try water fasting again. I failed the last two attempts however as one can tell … I don’t give up so easily. Seems to be a good entry phase thus far although only 4 days into the entry phase. Enough talk about that. Touch Wood!

If I have to choose between exercise and eating … I will stick to eating less + walking over the gym and even running. About 6 months ago I was staying around what I consider to be my optimal weight by eating my main dinner at lunch and salads in the evening. Pretty much what I am now doing once again. I was also having cold press veggie juice for the most part in the mornings. Plenty of water throughout the day. What changed was slowly introducing or more like – giving in – to having more cooked foods. Once that happened I then progressed into eating more processed foods in the way of sauces and mayos … The puppy fat started to come back and hence I thought I could just go to the gym.

Sure it worked … but it’s not sustainable, nor good for my joints. I need to remind myself I’ll be 50 soon enough. Whilst still young – I can’t rely on weights and running as my primary mechanism for stability. I feel much more energetic when eating less and clean, minus all the intense activity. Activity is still on the menu. I’m just lifting less now in favor of walking, stretching with good healthy doses of sun.

The issue I have with my sinuses … well if that continues after eating super clean for two weeks and or if I do really well and pull off a water fast … well then I am going to the doc to request a sleep test. The part of my nose that’s always blocked is always opposite to the break in my nose. Front on … my nose is fairly bent. It’s been broken a few times and once pretty bad. I never went to hospital to get it fixed. It’s bad enough that when we age our faces sag let alone having a deviated septum from a nose busted more than once.

Strenuous activity helps to counter this as the constant face pulling that takes place tones the muscles on the face. This note I know to be fact from personal experience. The dilemma is when one reaches an age that the intensity required tone the face from such strenuous activity is no longer attainable; lest I start practicing to pull faces. The latter something that many people in fact do in order to retain appropriate muscle tension to assist with nasal breathing. The ability to breathe through the nose is something most people take for granted. More and more people are getting sleep studies done in their later years as a result of not getting enough oxygen to the brain. I seriously believe my busted nose is starting to affect me earlier than would otherwise have been.

So much so that even when I eat healthy and exercise … I still suffer with insufficient nasal breathing. My wife is the one pushing for me to see the doc about a sleep study. I just want to be sure I get the timing right is all as I/m just going through the public system which kind of require once almost be dead before justifying resources to fix. Perhaps not quite … but I’d hate to be getting just enough O2 and miss the fix. Best to wait until I lose more brain cells. LOL just kidding.

For now I just keep fulling faces and eating clean. ;)

Adios … until next post.

[Ponder]

I thought you might like this one D. His mum is starting him early. Moon Gazing - He loves the moon big time. I was running around with him today holding him up in my palms flying on a trajectory to the moon. :)

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4218/34389415164_5e1431097c_o.jpg

This reminds me of a book I have on my wish list. Have run out of $$$ but now researching key words and concepts online:
Awakening Nature's Healing Intelligence:
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4274/35068117132_4e91ecca0f_o.jpg (https://www.amazon.com/Awakening-Natures-Healing-Intelligence-Expanding/dp/0914955357)
I've linked the book picture to amazon as it offers up some insights by allowing viewers to look inside the book. ( A good read) You know where to click. ; )

Here is a 10 mintue vid that I could not agree with more:
Especially Myth Two - Time Linked for those who simply can't wait → Here (https://youtu.be/kAkiyo4gilY?t=298).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAkiyo4gilY

And i will finish of with really cool story about How to Heal Yourself With Thoughts (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6N2BLlKYwz8) Change the way you think.

Adios ... until next post. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/sleep/sleep-in-bed.gif

[Dahila]

Beautiful!!! <3

[Ponder]

Vlog 11 - Approaching my next Water Fasting Attempt:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NY7NMVSB8t8&amp;feature=youtu.be

I got the EFT slide show and will embed here later as well as provide a download link to my google drive.

Later guys. ;)

[Ponder]

EFT Slide Show now available at following link.
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B4GaeJRR5gXCdnc3ZWxxVkxqaDA

No time to embed. Download option has been tested and working for those interested.

[Ponder]

Whilst out walking today I came across this little fella who flew about and allowed me to capture him with my phone:

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Butterfly_zps6c6uumda.png
The sunshine was good today ... overcast and raining now. Got my daily dose just in time. As you can see in the pic above, at that time the sun was nice and bright - that was dappled sunlight falling in just the right spot.

I'm in the colon cleanse stage of my water fast preparation and seem to be doing rather well. Only minimal low fiber food now and herbal teas with a little honey and lots of water in between.

[Ponder]

Really pleased with how my daughter is raising her son. Not sure if you remember D, but I started taking him for walks off track and into the bush before he was one. We get hands on with the textures and all that kind of thing. Mum has also been taking him out view the sun rise as well. She takes her camera with her and takes photos like me. :)

Hope you and yours are doing well D.

Mixing the cartoons up with a good dose of Space Docos.
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4269/35114723532_bab1ce88f0_b.jpg

Actually I'd like to encourage others out there to find a hobby or look into things you enjoy doing. It really is the best way to combat depressive mind states. Especially if you have been feeling down for long periods of time. You don't have to be a professional or have the latest high tech gear to enjoy doing something.


Here is an example of one of my daughters photos:
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4201/34437292504_120c4b62f2_b.jpg

That's pretty much how she sent it to me. Sure the horizon is not aligned straight and there is a fair bit of noise in the photo - BUT - I don't look at it like that. When we discussed this photo we talked about the awesome cloud arrangement, the way the water was washed in, the pier lights in the far background and overall lighting and contrast.

We have been spoiled with technology. Sure it's great - BUT - people are so quick to forget how great it is to even capture an image like this one. Everyone is so busy dumping the phones they just bought 6 months ago in favor of the new one that's just come out. It really is crazy. On a positive note ... I nearly fell over backwards when my daughter told me one of her photos made the local news!

My daughter's photo that made the local news:
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4258/34471349303_b6ee485ff6_b.jpg

Yea Yea ... Pixel Snobs and even your everyday enthusiast could pull this pic apart - BUT - Fuck Them ... I generally don't like the news ... but it was good to see them encouraging folk by putting these kinds of photos up on their weather reports. Now here's the real doozy ... that other photo above this one I showed you. Well that's going on the National News! I'm like WTF? I'll be sure to take a screen shot of that when it gets aired. I don't have permission to share vids ... with details and such ... I do however for my grandson and other family members ... so that's all above board.

Anyways ... just saying you don't have to be a pro to go out and have fun doing what you enjoy. Pick something you have never tried before ... you might be surprised. I purchased some sketch pencils the other day and thinking out about taking them out to capture the pond and maybe video and share that some time. Has been a while since I shared some art - and although I am not that good, I do remember I enjoyed it very much. I think the pencil though will this time around be less mess compared to the pastels.
__________________________________________________

Now having said all that ... Guess What? I'm looking into buying a new compact camera. LOL - Man I go through so many cameras ... Buy them , sell them , buy them and then sell them. Ya live and ya learn I guess. This time I am buying one that takes great pics but can also do decent videos.

The whole Youtube thing I am doing has been fun. As far a "content" goes ... well ... that too is also something I am not so worried about getting all hyped about. However I do like to get reasonably results with doing things that I like. Everyone is spoiled with tack sharp picks and quality sound that if I do ever want to reach out and help others through a Youtube channel ... I guess the gloss fact is just something I will have to accept. BUT again - no need to have the latest cutting edge gear to get good results. Use what you have and if you have nothing ... find something that requires nothing in order to go out and have fun. Of course FUN is subjective ... as sometimes I just like to experience peace which does not always rate as happy and fun ... BUT ... I'm working on Fun and being Happy. Getting there.

It's not been easy for me to get in front of the camera and open up ... but for me it's been worth while. 100%

OK ... I guess I best get to bed. ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

Keeping Busy - Made some sprouts for my daughters - 2 small hand fulls of Mung Beans:
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4224/34448383104_c521aa3571_o.jpg

My Medicine Cabinet:
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4256/34483570763_f1e974f6c4_o.jpg

[Ponder]

Kid Therapy:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fL9Cg_a-gWw
Night night ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz

[gypsylee]

Here's an article for you, Ponder :)

https://fractalenlightenment.com/28429/life/the-brain-gut-connection-for-mental-well-being

From within that article:

https://www.theverge.com/2013/8/21/4595712/gut-feelings-the-future-of-psychiatry-may-be-inside-your-stomach

"In a study led by Cryan, anxious mice dosed with the probiotic bacterium Lactobacillus rhamnosus (JB-1) showed lower levels of anxiety, decreased stress hormones, and even an increase in brain receptors for a neurotransmitter that’s vital in curbing worry, anxiety, and fear.

John Bienenstock, a co-author on that study, compared the probiotics’ effects to benzodiazepines like Valium and Xanax. “The similarity is intriguing. It doesn’t prove they both use the same pathway [in the brain], but it’s a possibility.”

Although plenty of questions remain, the benefits of using probiotics to treat human behavior are becoming increasingly obvious. Yogurts like Dannon’s Activia have been marketed with much success as a panacea for all of our intestinal ills. Other probiotic supplements have claimed to support immune health. Probiotics’ potential to treat human behavior is increasingly apparent, but will manufacturers one day toss an anxiety-fighting blend into their probiotic brews?"

[Ponder]

Thanks Gypsy. Due to being on day one of my water fast and on the tail end of the colon cleanse, I don't quite have the energy to divert into another subject right now; but thank you for the great health tip. I'm amusing this is in response to another thread where my opinion tends against the use of probiotics, highlights the myth and voices my preference not to use diary?

Of course you could be just looking out for me health in which case that's very kind of you. :)

No doubt I will check those articles out because I can't help myself and always want to see the full picture despite my rigid ways when adopting whatever principles. I think in small doses it can help just as garlic in small doses can help, however I avoid using garlic and onion as when used more than just every now and then, their anti nutrient content is actually unhealthy and very much felt in a body that's been on a clean diet for some time. Not often felt in those who eat processed foods and or whole foods not conducive to their physiology and or broken anatomy.

Other than the studies themselves that can be of great interest to read, many are also funded/agnended by those companies selling these wonder supps. Which is why at the end of the day I invest my informed decisions by experimenting on myself. The supps themselves are way over priced - especially probiotics and the amount of dairy/yogurt required "through my own experiments" is way too much to warrant as weight gain and other unhealthy side effects take place when I take the route of using yogurt/dairy.

None the less - those people who find benefit in being able to continue living their current lifestyle using these sups ... I wish all the best.

I don't beleive I this path will aid me with my current issue that relates to me deviated septum. The whites of my eyes are once again pretty white due to the latest super clean eating and if things go well with this water fast I see nothing but good things when coming out on the other end. I don't currently use supps and will for sure be in no great need as long as I continue on my current dietary path.

--- that's about all I can really say. No doubt too much. :)

Thanks again for your mentioning of this. Much appreciated.

Now time to get this little fella ready and return to his mum.

Adios until next post.

Edit - Yep I already read those articles and commented else where gypsy. TY. Very kind of you.
My GUT health relies upon eating raw plant foods in balance with other moderate portions of whole foods and especially in conjunction with a healthy lifestyle that supports a healthy. More over that mind set sustaining the life style itself.

Posted elsewhere on this in another thread but go to run ... thanks again gypsy.

[Ponder]

Could not agree more, however I base the health of the gut as previously mentioned on the tail end of last post ... on other facets to a healthy lifestyle other than buying into probiotic sups. No doubt as real food is seen to decline we will all be inevitably forced into relying on synthetic chemicals. Granted it's already happening.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zlJ8CztFO8

Thanks again gypsy. :)

[gypsylee]

That second article is really good. I have a bit of trouble eating well (I tend toward skipping meals) so I have been taking probiotics and I'm going to start drinking that yoghurt I think. Your diet seems great though and that first article lists fruit as very beneficial :) Have you heard of Freely the Banana Girl by the way? She's a bit annoying but she advocates a similar diet to you. She's an Aussie as well!

Oh, I haven't read your first reply and I have to go, but I will later :)

[Ponder]

COOL is this her? - Thanks for the steer. I think I know what you mean about annoying, but I guess we can all be that way to others in some way or another. I'm going to check her out and will let you know what I think ... although I should really give her a few good watches to get to know her better. She seems very popular, but that's not always a good thing to go by. Is good to hear a few Aussies having a crack. Especially the older ones, relatively speaking of course : )
https://www.youtube.com/user/Freelea edit → I subscribed :)


Don't worry about my earlier post. I hate opinions - especially my own. : (

Those articles are great and I'm really glad you mentioned them to me!

Re skipping meals, I think we have too many of them at any rate. That said, it's good to have an established pattern even if one is eating only twice of once a day. It really is about fine tuning things to our own needs. It can take years to master, but that should not put anyone off the simple approach to simply stop making bad choices. The latter is easy in the knowing but not quite easy early on. The trick is small steps and a huge desire to no longer keep eating shit. So to speak. :)

[Ponder]

My core routine is nothing special. It''s based on something I once say on you tube from a runners perspective. I'm sorry I am unable to even name the individual exercises that I am doing. It's just a sequence of movements that I mostly remember. I have tried searching once again to no avail to find that old you tube video but can no longer find it.


The most important thing I consider is to actually just keep doing what I remember. https://weight-loss.fitness.com/styles/default/xenforo/clear.png The hardest part is not so much the intensity or patients waiting for strength and range of movement to evolve but more making the effort to be consistent with routine. Since doing that I have made some really great progress in the area of my core.


I might even pick up my last attempt at Pilates I tried with the following book: If you click on the last pick it should enlarge.
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4208/35276921396_b2d44c2551_o.jpg https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4246/35276922696_02c9a9edb6_o.jpg

(https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4253/35317092135_10771b9b16_o.jpg)
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4253/35317092135_10771b9b16_o.jpg (https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4253/35317092135_10771b9b16_o.jpg)


Sadly I got kidney pains again like I did last time I tried to waster fast. The whole colon cleansing lead me to drinking a LOT of fluids and now nearing the end of today with more water and no food on top ... My kidneys are already acing.


BUT that's OK. I remember being quite depressed about it last time as now I remember clearly why I failed last time round. My continued attempts are leading me to accept that I really did damage my kidneys with the rhabdomyolysis I ended up in hospital with 10 years ago. Nearly had renal failure. Not to worry. Now I know I have to be real careful with things that tax my kidneys. At least I know I can exercise well enough when eating according to my needs.


A juice fast and or minimal portions is still a great option for me. I guess I can return to exercise once the inflammation in my kidneys settles. I do love going to extremes, but given the repeated episodes in kidney pain from my last few attempts, I'm not going to push it.


I'll also focus more on hydration from my foods. I was actually doing pretty good with that.


Adios until next post.
http://www.fasting.ws/juice-fasting/kidney_problems/

[Ponder]

So Far ... My Home Processing Photo Collection To Date:
https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/sets/72157663973131953

[Ponder]

Watch this space and D-Stress :)

https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4261/34932558360_55bcd5e3e0_o.jpg

Night Night ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[gypsylee]

Yep, that's Freelee the Banana Girl lol.

[martin05]

Blimey, I didn't know there were so many core exercises. I do planks already. Think I might add in some double leg kicks and bridges. Rotate them throughout the week.

You gonna join me, Gyps? You can't beat having a strong core.

[Ponder]

Vlog 12 - Hey there martin ... hope all is well.

Go to run ... I have EFT group this arvo:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWLFck2nTN4

[martin05]

Not bad thanks, Ponder. Weather's heating up, but I'm guessing it's nothing compared to what you guys get in Aus.

How was class?

[gypsylee]

Blimey, I didn't know there were so many core exercises. I do planks already. Think I might add in some double leg kicks and bridges. Rotate them throughout the week.

You gonna join me, Gyps? You can't beat having a strong core.

I've been told my core's pretty strong as it is (true story). So no but thanks for asking, Marty ;)

[Ponder]

The weather is not too bad here thanks Martin and class was pretty good. I'd love to talk more about the EFT class however our family had some bad news today. :(

My daughter was served papers that revealed a court case had taken place without her knowledge regarding access to her son. It got worse as much of the information provided to the courts was full of much deceit and scandalous accusations that resulted in the courts demanding the mother and child relocate immediately to the town in which the father resides.

It's actually quite a outrageous as the father has in fact had the mean to contact my grandsons mother (my daughter) despite claiming he was unable. That was the first lie - but I am sure many of the older folk in here know how the web of deceit is spun when it comes to matters such as these. I myself have been targeted as a risk to my grandson having been incorrectly label as a schizophrenic. Although I am not a schizophrenic, I am quite offended that all it takes to deem someone a risk to their children and or grandchildren is to label them by their mental health diagnosis. I've known plenty of schizophrenics and most of the ones I knew were more a risk to themselves than anyone else. Such was the case for my brother. RIP BRO. : (

SIGH - The only one who has been visited by welfare in our family over the concerns of little Jo Jo being at risk is the damn father who loves starting up all this kind of shit. Thankfully we kept the photos that the police and doctors noted during the last time that *&^#!!! had the privilege of being in the presence of our little one. Long story short this abuser of which I speak has fathered a number of children to 3 "VERY YOUNG" girls to whom he groomed. Sadly all the children have been adversely affected; especially one young boy who is underdeveloped. It's hard to tell if the bruising on joey when he was 16 months old is entirely responsible for his autistic behavior, however I think it was just the trigger to a predisposition as it would seem it's just yet another factor that runs in the genes with the unfortunate result of revolving door/unfavorable environments.

We can build a pretty strong case. The father was last hit with a domestic violence order that he tried to fight; but lost. The only one that is a risk is the womanizer himself. Grrrrrr! Oh man ... We did well to keep him at bay the last three years. We will sure as hell make it damn hard before he gets unsupervised access and our daughter will NOT be moving away from her only means of support. The more they attempt to slander, the bigger the hole they dig for themselves. Alas we have a lot of work to do in order to put in the blocks and made ourselves heard. We have kept everything in folders and my wife is actually well places when it comes to formatting the documents. If anything public solicitors hold us back as the know so little and have even less passion ... but that's another story.


You can play pretender bud but you had
your chance & blew it ... this kid already has a father:

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/5-5-mb--At-The-Beach_zpsnc5bifiu.gif



Deem me a risk? You've got to be *%@#ing kidding me! That poor excuse was never around for any of his kids and when he was all he could do was take away their toys and beat them when his peace of mind was interrupted. Nothing BUT conflict with himself, his kids and what he likes to think as "his"women."

Got news for you buddy, you might get some access visits, BUT it's going to be a LOT longer than your proposed length of time before you get unsupervised visits and ever looooonger before they become overnight visits AND we sure as hell AIN'T moving to your neck of the woods!!!

Lots of TRAUMA ahead no doubt for all involved - but we are ready as always for damage control.



Srry to dump guys ... this kind of things always seems to happen to me just about when I am ready to open up and have fun as we my intention in last vlog update. I remember the last time that happened back in 2014 when Pam and Andrew used to be members ... I opened up similarly ready to say it was time to start having fun and not be so seroius, then within an hour of that post I got a call and was told my brother was dead. This kind of fells like that.

Time to practice some hard core meditation techniques and work on my new Youtube channel I guess.

Adios ... until next post. SIGH - Time for a walk - http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/spiritual/yoga-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Ponder]

Late night this one. Poor wife is having a hard time as she has been prepping an intensive response and in that process laying out a very well thought out briefing for an initial solicitors appointment on Monday. I did what I could to assist but only so much I can do on that front. Thankfully she is not sick at the moment however stress does tend to set her condition off.

I've been working on my new YouTube channel:
https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4264/34973784460_2d6fe352c3_b.jpg

Hence my new updated avatar here. : ) I think it at least suits the YouTube Channel art for now. I can't wait till my new vlogging camera arrives. I'm thinking of also requiring some decent audio gear that I not so long ago got rid of. Funny how you really don't know if you need something until it's gone. Most of my skills lay in Photoshop but despite being a slow learner in many areas I do seem to catch on quick once I become passionate about something. Today I started sorting one of the external HHDs to facilitate some kind of vlogging workflow. I have over 20 years of photoshop experience and just kept putting off the video editing.

I've been thinking about how my channel's introductory video is going to look and started filming some clips today. I threw together a very short draft sequence that will be used more as a prop embedded into a larger video. I'll probably even take the display size down smaller than what I'll preview it in here. Being a Mental Health Blog, I want to capture every aspect of my life that I consider important to my recovery. Today's draft sequence is more about routine ... a small part of my routine and most peoples in general. Putting it into a GIF with less frames per second leads to sped up footage which encapsulates more the grind of daily life. For now that will suffice. I'm not happy with the way the title sits in it, but like I said it's just a draft:

I used my smart phone to record the video - adobe after effects to render and edit. To cap it off I imported into Photoshop to create this animated GIF.


Here We Go Again: (Pace suits this one - 1.5mb)
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Here-We-Go-Again-Extended-Version_zpscwac5lfr.gif

I'd like to work on a sketch filter that depersonalizes it more, however thus far am limited until I learn more about the video side of things. There are many scenarios I wish to cover in like story book mode. Gives it a much more generalised feel which is what I am ultimately aiming for once I gain the confidence to become more influential with my videos. I'm going to continue getting in front of the camera and make more effort in my weak areas such as eye contact and speech. Getting comfortable and making friends with my camera will no doubt help with that as too ... just doing it! For now I will just relate the whole process to my own journey as it should be. Make my own story book as I go along. :)

Once I get a green screen I should be able to make up some effective work out routines. My kids our always asking me, but I never really have the time with everything else that's been going on. Should be no problem with a green screen to get some clean shots ... but once again - I'm going the way of filters to get my points across. Famous last words though. lol - I want to do some cooking videos too!!! Show my magic recipes. I think I will also learn a new tune or just practice an old one on my guitar and also brush up on harmonica.

Just need to work on my confidence, don't delete my vids, just watch them evolve.

I think I might be able to sleep now.

Groundhog Day:
(messed the title up in this one as well - 1.5mb)
http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x30/davekyn/Waking-Up_zpskzvxnz5g.gif
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Righto ... another day ... as effectively conveyed above. : ) ... Nice moderate long run on the tread mill followed up with an AWESOME core routine that's now as much a cardio routine as the treadmill itself. Laundry on the go, affidavit in response to court litigation about finalized and about ready for lodging, veggie juice down the hatch and just about ready to make some cold press apple juice for the little fella. Jo Jo and I had a good run along the beach yesterday and will be doing it again. Going over to drop of my daughters laundry, try some of her home made vegan cookies and pass her a copy of the response. I'm sure that will make her feel a little better. : )

Might find time later in the day to start recording some prop footage of doing chores and that kind of thing. More stuff to log in under routine. I'm thinking of also finding footage online that depict stuff in public that conveys routine in those situations I really don't wont to capture myself. Just have to work out the copyright issues.

Might also add to my no copyright sounds collection as well.

Best keep moving so I can can fit it all in.
____________________

72kg ... back to my optimal weight - relatively speaking.

Adios until next post. ;)

[Ponder]

Taking a break. All the best with your anxiety guys.

Take Care
~Dave. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/hello/waving-smiley-emoticon.gif

[Dahila]

Hi D. I went through the posts <3

[Ponder]

If you find this space empty over the next few weeks, you can find much of my journaling being done on my YouTube Channel.

Thanks D. I'll give you a shout out (as they say.) in my next vid. :)

For now ... this is over and out.

[iwanttobeok]

Bump just to say that walking does help a lot with getting your mind off of things :) Sometimes, however, over-exertion can cause more anxiety than it's worth, so lighter exercises spread out like short walks around the block during the day are best.

[Ponder]

Well no rest for the wicked ... I need my space again and this here be it. :)

HOWDY to iwantobeok ... I want to be OK too. ... Cool Name! I like it. :) I AM OK ... YOUR OK ... Trust me ... it's going to be OK!!! You give some good advice there as well. Thanks for chiming in. Much appreciated.

I leave this for now ... D I try and catch up on FB but really hope you have more time to be active in here as this place really benefits from your presence. I am working on a new project I am sure your going to like. I know ... I know ... Dave's projects come and go ... so I want go into details just yet.

I explain later ... but for now. It's time for a yummy salad and an ep of Star Trek: Voyager ... for like the millionth time. That show just doesn't get old with me. :)

[Dahila]

thanks D. iwantobeaok, when or just after exercise I had something like panic attack for about 3 years. It was diabetes not panic attack. when you exercise you blood glucose goes down and give you the symptoms like anxiety attack

[iwanttobeok]

Haha thanks Ponder :) And Dahila, that makes sense! It's crazy how these things are interconnected. That is why it's important to eat something before you exercise.

[Dahila]

Exactly have two eggs no bread before going to gym, and try to eat something not later than 45 min after. I made a mistake of going to gym on empty stomach (just coffee) could not connect the dots :)

[Ponder]

Oh yea ... Thanks for reminding me iwanttobeok ... time to eat something then get active. My new project has had me glued to this chair and I need to be mindful of that. None the less I look foward to getting back into it and on with the next item on my list!

Hope this finds you all well. :)

[Ponder]

Exactly have two eggs no bread before going to gym, and try to eat something not later than 45 min after. I made a mistake of going to gym on empty stomach (just coffee) could not connect the dots :)

Are you exercising D?

[iwanttobeok]

Somehow the coffee comment got me thinking about the people who say pizza isn't a proper meal, since the stuff isn't supposed to be some kind of replacement for a healthy snack :p Kinda like if someone tried to pass off their donuts as their breakfast lol.

Edit: Looking at Melbourne, then looking at New York, then looking at Melbourne, then New York. I cried :p . Melbourne looks sleek and clean and New York looks like...what New York looks like.

[Dahila]

no I stick with the bike when weather is good, can not afford the gym, and I do not want to ;) all the germs and rude people terrify me , You know that D :)

[Ponder]

Yes ... I know what you mean D. :) I have not been to the gym in weeks. Have been shuffling along the road and working out my back door under the porch.

[Ponder]

Went to the gym today. It was not so bad. I went during a quiet time. I also went for a run. Time to get the clothes of the line and make some dinner. Yum Yum. :)

[Ponder]

Hmm Just a ramble tonight. My latest project has been on meditation yet again. As spasmodic as my intentions go, I am at least consistent. :) I'm long overdue for another Vlog Therapy Round. I've been avoiding that due to the stress of family court and the looming risk both our daughter and grandchild is subject to in the coming months. The system is defending the abuser and we are left representing ourselves. Same ol story and it's getting worse these days. None the less despite being somewhat drained from the rapid responses we have had to come up with in such a short time, we are somewhat confident that we have a case to protect the little one from immediate distress. Trauma for a better term.

So yea ... there has been that. The subject of mediation has been on my mind a LOT of late. I've been enjoying that odd 10 minute session here and there. I'm collecting a lot of data on the subject as well as cataloging it in a more structured manner than I am used to. I guess you could say that's been my project of late. I've tired so many times before to get something together online, but this time I am just doing it on my computer until such a time it's all ready to just dump in one place. See what happens. If anything I need to keep up the vlogs as my record for keeping things going of late has been quite good. For instance the last few years I have kept eating and living clean without a break! Maybe one little slip here and there but hardly compared to the consistent gains I have made.

So it is that I intend to keep the vlog therapy going and no my latest Meditation Research Project. To what end ... we shall see. :)

So that's about it for now ... might go look at some kind of software alternative to structure this data in my pc.

Adios ... until next post. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[JohnC]

Howdy guys & gals ! I miss talking with you all but life is getting in the way and I am happy to see some of my friends still kicking it. I'll get back on later, just wanted to say hi and keep fighting the good fight

[Ponder]

Howdy guys & gals ! I miss talking with you all but life is getting in the way and I am happy to see some of my friends still kicking it. I'll get back on later, just wanted to say hi and keep fighting the good fight

JOHN .... BUDDY!!! How the bloody hell are ya!!! Please do come back and talk about anything you want. How's the freezer going? Packing any meat!!! I regrettably sold my hammock. :(

Man we have missed you. So glad to hear from you. I just woke up from a weird dream because of my wayward bedroom door not being shut fully. 2:44am now.

I best get back to sleep.

I say hello to you in my next Vlog sometime today when I wake up. :) you inspired me more than you probably know. Time to push on through and regain control of said troubles in one's life. I hear ya on that score!

What's been happening and what's the plan for today?

Missed ya heaps buddy!
Please stay a whiles.

[Dahila]

John I just thought about you , and your struggling with smoking . We miss you a lot, I do :)

[Barong Baj Baj]

I ran a 10 K recently and found having a challenge to work towards is a great motivation tool for my fitness. So i'm gonna try a swim challenge next!

[Ponder]

Sounds like a plan ... slow and easy wins the race. :)
Please be sure to keep us posted. Would love to hear more about that!

[Ponder]

Man oh Man I am bushwhacked tonight. I've spent the last three days straight trialing out different forum software. I bit the bullet and ended up buying a domain name, subscribing to a paid web server optimized for phpBB3 and getting support from the lads over at https://www.phpbb.com/support/

There software is free but trying to go the free route with web servers is a nightmare and reportedly asking for trouble further down the track. Especially if you end up creating something successful. Anyways the platform is very similarly to the one good ol Anxiety Forum here uses. anxietyforum.net/forum/forum.php

Looks something like this:
https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4260/35627734446_0e239b1908_z.jpg
I've got a while to go before I get into the design phase. Still waiting to the domain name to be linked to the web server than after that upload through an FTP client - yadda yadda. All stuff I am learning as I go. At the end of the day though once it's up and running, I will have full control. LOL ... there goes that control need again. But this is a little different. Just ensuring I am not invested in someone else little scheme as typically happens with most of those free forum sites. Once I learn more about it I will also develop advance skills in forum building and possibly web site design as well. One step at a time.

I actually can't wait till I set up the basic structure so then I can work on what matters ... content and all that fulfilling stuff my proposed audience will want. Want not being a prime word for my intended crowed.

So whats the forum going to be about. Like I alluded to before in my recent posts - Meditation. Simple as that really. Just plain old meditation. I might be clutching at straws in the seeking for such an audience - BUT I think I can pull off a nice welcoming community like this one over time. Time being the key word there. This is not the sort of project I want to start up just to drop next week. I'll be investing real money into this one as well as building up new skills. Looking at it like that I don't suppose I can lose. :)

I'm going to need more than just a fancy looking layout though. Forum promotion will be the final stage not withstanding all the checks and balances in between. I'll be sure to share how the layout progresses as I go along before final promotion. Anyone here is welcome to given my advice and what they think my help and or not. It may sound crazy that I don't fell comfortable working with others in support forums, but the truth is that this place has been my home for years now and its here that I feel most comfortable especially when I am working on projects like this. Our PEERHAPS (http://www.peerhaps.org.au/) charity is still going strong. Thats thanks to my wife who as come a long way in status doing most of that.

Whilst that website is looking old and shabby ... it's a good example of the content being what matters. We have actually found a niche with that charity, but mostly because most organisations have their hand tied and don't want to work so hard for Zero dollars. None the less it's done good enough to receive funding here and there to keep it in service. The passion driving that comes from lived experience and know too well just how stigma keeps so many of us down.

So it is that I want to spread the message of meditation as a form or healing that can be used along side medication, if not replace it completely for those whose anatomy is not severely affected and or responds well to such a practice. There is not a great deal of meditation forums out there and those having a crack at it seem to be lacking in the structure side of things. That said it may be more a case of not overloading their site with more categories and board to the member ratio kind of thing, which in that case is actually a smart thing. I think the trouble with some is making them too spiritually inclined, although that's actually going down my tack. Thing is the internet has way more than enough spiritual forums as is. That said ... it would be nice to have one like so that's not full of so much gobbledygook. Like going from Gandhi to Eckhart Tolle and then out of nowhere ... the Reptilians!

I guess drama is what fills the void hey. The question is how much does one want to sell out in order to make some fame. No fear of that happening if you've ever seen a vlog of mine. Like averages 3 to 5 hits with me doing the revisits. (Not that I have promoted it or bothered to spend too much time on it) :) - That's actually been a good confidence builder and I am overdue to do another one. Truth is I really struggle with the cognitive side of things when not putting thoughts to keyboard and even then it takes me a lot to get any kind of structure going. Perhaps this forum building can help me with that.

I think now's a good time to go source out a little guided meditation and wind down myself.

That concludes this little evening rant.

Thanks for listening.
Adios until next post.

PS JOHN ... I hope you find your way back. Life is too short my friend. Would love to know how "Your" doing since your visit here last night. Tell it like it is ... all good man. Whatever you feel like talking about is good for me.

[JohnC]

Howdy D and Ponder. i missed talking with you both and a lot of others on this forum.

[JohnC]

i am still off the cigs and fat as hell ,( i gained so much weight since i quit ) and still in my high stress sales job. Kids are doing well and my oldest will have surgery next month to try and correct her leg so that she can walk more like you and i.The freezer only got one deer this year and we have only a few packs left but i am still grateful for the one.
I must be honest and tell you both that i have not read anything so i have not caught up on anything in the forum. I will spend some time looking through the AF and see whats been going on. I have some bulging disc in my back so its got me down momentarily anyway. I truly hope you both are doing well.

[Dahila]

John that's ok I had not read anything either, only Ponder posts. I started to lose weight when I went of any wheat products, it was cause I got diabetes type 2 so I had to finish eating sugar, bread, potato, rice no grains of any type. it is Keto Diet kind of keto it is high fat low carbs. I lost a lot I am eating this way from last August , ten months. I lost weight and gain a lot of energy :))

[Ponder]

Vlog Update ... Vlog 16 Parts 1 & 2 ... Yea! Dahila has done really well with her diet. Congrats on that D because I know how hard it is to come off the damn BREAD. The truth is though that the longer you persist with those hard core changes, the easier it gets. I'm betting you know that secret now John having given up the smokes for quite some time. It really is the same with food once you make the decision to make the next move. Nonetheless it can takes years when transitioning from things like drinking and smoking to eating clean. I know it did me. I'm honored that some of you guys have been a part of that process. You have even seem me come off the meds.

So anyways JOHN BUDDY ... I got around to making a new Vlog since you hit the scene. :) It's an a new channel I don't think you know of mine. I beleive you are one of my few friend on my other channel though. Anyways I link this new Vlog and you can decide if you want to subscribe. It really is only meant for a "very few" close friends. I make no real attempts to promote this channel. It's just a confidence practice thing I am doing. Hence ... Vlog therapy.

As usual the battery went flat of the SD card became full. I also had some technical issues with the setting regarding frame rates so apologize that I was not able to sink audio in Part One. So please excuse the sound in the first one and also that I was unable to join the two videos into one. One was shot in 25 frames per second and the other in 30. Combining the two and sync audio was a headache so I just link the first one now ... above the embedded part 2.

Vlog 16 Part One - G'day John - D & anyone else from the Anxiety Forum:
Click → HERE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hh5B6Mu1A7A&t=43s) ← to watch.



Vlog 16 Part Two - Continuation of Part One:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4IAhJ0TVYs

Righto ... now time to see if I can upload these phpBB3.2 install files up to a web host server. This process I am not enjoying so much, but cant wait to get content mode.

Take care John ... I will keep your daughter in mind re the upcoming operation. Please do keep sharing. What kind of hobby do you have or could start that's more for D-stressing/unwinding and wont tax your body so much? You play chess? I cant remember asking you that? You still got that camera. I messed up my Flikr account ... could you link me to yours ... I understand if you don't have much on it, however it would be great to see a few more snaps of the ranch. :) You remember how to embed them?

Srry for all the questions. I leave you guys to it and keep moving myself.

Adios until next post.

[JohnC]

I have recently cut all soda of any kinds and only drink unsweetened green tea and water. I know the low/no carb diet works I just actually have to stick to it. I really need to get my physical activity up. My body is revolting against the extra weight, my knees and ankles back are all hurting.
I went back and watched a few of your blogs so to get somewhat caught up and I had to laugh when I saw that spinner you had , hell there's gotta be 10 of them thing here still got the camera but my daughter has really excelled with it. My dad also gave me an old Minolta 35 mm with lots of lenses and filters but I have done nothing with it. I'll catch up more with you in next day or so. Peace

[Ponder]

Whenever your able John. I don't your popping in here to be a chore, I do however look forward to whenever you can though. I enjoyed making a new vlog. Thx for inspiring me. :) Yea that Fidget Spinner of mine is a heavy duty premium one I picked up in Melbourne on a recent holiday to see my youngest son. Yea My daughter also loves taking pictures too. Is good to see them adopt and foster hobbies like so. : )

I was mostly alluding to just moving with regard to exercise when being overweight. I remember like yesterday what it was like when I could not reach my shoes properly to adjust them of untie them. That's when I really was just making the most of walking around my house ... doing chores as a routine for fitness. One step at a time. Having a mental picture of my figure was not the aim at that point - BUT - gong outside and reaping the benefits of being able to walk with less pain to the end of the street after two weeks of intentional practice really inspired me as my joints were slowly able to bear more weight and carry me further. That's what its really all about in the beginning when we are so disabled from being obese.

I remember well that cycle I had to break out of. I talk more about it later if it's not a trigger for you?

At the moment I am happy to report I finally worked out all the technical issues with setting up my own online server to publicly host my intended meditation forum.
https://meditation-forum.net/phpBB3/
Edit - site now secure ... ZZZZzzzzzz

It's only just been installed. (Bare bones GUI) I'm not even sure if the link will show up for you guys? Although you may be able to join ... it's not really gong to be officially launched for quite sometime. I'll link it in my Sig and make an announcement in the news section here if no objection from the Anxiety Admin. In return I will be sure to link them in mine ... although that's not saying much until I actually have a community. I envisage I am going to need a FB page, blog and maybe even a website. That's a LOT of work. One step at a time.

Is that showing up for you Dahila / John?

What do you think about the idea of a Meditation Forum D?

Would you mind if I sent you links in FB to get opinions on its structure regarding topics for categories and boards? No pressure.

I still have a lot of technical things to work out like security, permissions, layouts (page width needs adjusting among other things) and yadda yadda.
_____________________________

That's my day done. I think I can get back into my routine a little more relaxed now. That took me 3 days straight pretty much 16 hours a day on my com to work all that out. Slow learner, but keen as hell. Now I have a place to layout my notes re meditation. Hopefully I can successfully promote when most of the content is done.

Adios ... until next post. :)

[Barong Baj Baj]

Found training for a run or some sporting event in the future helps. So im gonna try a new swimming regime

[Dahila]

yes it is showing up, I was not here probably 3 days, John believe me that every day is easier, Even if I take a bite of our sourdough bread , it does not taste good anymore. smoking 8th year here, actually it passed on May 1, John it is almost gone the urge, I do not even think about smoking. when I have cravings and I do I chew on pork rinds, proteins and fat no carbs :) yesterday I had the best the sweeter Kohlarbi it is delicious and it is from my garden and it is low carbs. Today I started to harvest Kale and I already got delicious lettuce, I love lettuce ..........
The problem with smokers is; we just switch from one addiction to another. quit smoking start eating. I had been there ;)
Stress, my level of stress went really down when I stopped working for a company, and started my tiny business, So far not much profit but i have a lot of satisfaction......... John you must win in lotery to have for bills, your stress level would go from 10 to 1 in just few days ;)
D. fantastic progress in everything, it is difficult not to admire you, not to believe in you, seeing what I see, and I still remember you from 4 years ago or so :) VLog is cool very cool

[JohnC]

i love kohlrabi and kale, D and i am so glad that your doing well. My biggest problem is getting my ass moving. i come home from work and i am so mentally exhausted i just get my chores done and then sit in front of the TV. it's a bad pattern i need to break soon. I''ll try and pop back in from time to time and chat with both of you and let you know how things are going. ill have some time because i am gonna take off some time when my daughter has her surgery.
One thing i wanted to tell you P is i tried some medical candy and it did not get me high like i am used to but it was such a relaxing feeling and i slept like a baby. too bad its expensive and i wont be doing that much. $6 for one carmal candy. Peace to us all

[Dahila]

I am happy you will stay in touch John. I am lucky i hate tv, and I do not take easily the constant adds on it. I do not even watch news anymore ;)

[Ponder]

I cant see martin5's post not the one I thought I posted this morning. Oh well ... Not have the best of days lately ...
I try to reiterate another time. Srry Guys.
Must of posted in wrong spot or even in another forum LMFAO @ that one. Sigh.

[Ponder]

https://image.ibb.co/dizTza/man_in_the_mirror.png

The Man In The Glass by Anonymous Americas

https://image.ibb.co/bGyDza/The_Man_In_The_Glasstxt.png

An interesting perspective whether others think the sun shines out our ass or just hate us to bits. Either way there is a good message in this! I've linked it before but felt the need to bump it again. Life is not half as bad once we realize we only have to convince ourselves in order to overcome what holds us back. No matter where we're are at, how far down in the dumps, or regardless if we're bums - once we can connect with our true self ... the only direction we have to move; is up! Again - I find it comforting that it is really only ourselves that we need convince. No more blaming and passing the back. No more draining through constant whining and crying - it's in fact liberating to discover we can be content knowing that we are in fact responsible for the way we act. Is far better to make our own choices than to become the canvas onto which others project and in turn wiser to refrain from painting for others whilst we learn the art of standing back.
_________________________________________

Well I have finally come out of my 4 day marathon forum building manic episode. lol ... I ended up going back to a simpler build. I'm sticking with it but now moving on to content creation. This will allow me to start writing once more. I don't know D ... Is still hard for me to beleive in myself as I often reveal too much, but you seem to appreciate that side of me; regardless of faults. I think is better to open up if one can find the tone. I'll work on that but be careful not to smother you guys. I'll try to restrain myself from these heart felt posts and link them instead once I design a more appropriate place instead.

What does anyone out there think of Word Press? I invite any reading to please share their thoughts? I tried my hand once before but gave up like most other things. I'm thinking of trying again. I usually do better the more times I revisit. The more times I try again. Anyone out there with Word Press experience?
_______

Hope this finds you all well.
Goodnight. ZZZZZZzzzz

[Cullingford]

Hi ya all just popping in to say hi, I had a nice chat with an old friend today such a pleasant surprise.

[Ponder]

Cully!!!!! Awesome dude. Now that's really made my day. What do you say D? John and now Cully popping back in. Is this something to do with the aligning of planets of what??? Good omen and all that? lol ... Really great to see you Cully! Yea it was a good chat! For me this was an even better surprise. lets just make sure we don't all become strangers. I see if I can go out in turn and take a snap shot for old times sake.

[Dahila]

Cully awesome you popped in :) wb
D, long time when we had chat :(

[Ponder]

Srry D - I have been trying and missed you each time. Just by 42 minutes the latest I check ... I will however endeavor to keep checking. I promise!

[Dahila]

not to worry D Yoda :)

[Ponder]

Had a great Chat D - GOOD NEWS! I have finalized the Live Chat System in my forum! Today I aim to complete the Rules and FAQ - Once finish the Categories and Boards and put in a more detailed forum description with a cool links page - you can be the fist join D!

Whilst in the early stages I myself will be promoting the forum you can be assured It's going to be a quite relaxing place without the need for anyone to sell, promote, preach and or debate. I intend it to be a place where we just go to kick back.

I know how some forums can be draining and leave us down ... whilst beneficial for others who fit that theme. I also acknowledge that as we get older our down time is longer. So it is that I hope you find my forum ultra relaxing and a place that helps you recharge. So much so that you will actually look forward to visiting when your able.

On that note I keep on with making the informational threads.

I hold onto the new link for a whiles yet. :)

Have a good day folks ... srry I can't hang around and chat. I'll invite you other guys to come over as well ... John, Cully and anyone else that cares to check it out. Every subscription will count! All in good time. :)

[Ponder]

https://image.ibb.co/nQxzqF/Untitled_2.png (https://www.flickr.com/photos/71988794@N08/34983573683/sizes/h/)
Hover & Click to Take it all In

Went for a walk today as the last week I have actually been pretty slack on the body as well as the mind. The episode with creating a forum is still on the go. :) I've been full on with going to be at like 1am for a for night/mornings in a row now. I have a sore throat which is a first in a LONG time since I started eating clean. So it was I knew I had to get back outdoors and reset my circadian rhythm aka body clock. In fact I'm calling it quits now ... I know I need proper sleep and looking forward to catching up in the morning. In fact I got a bit done today in order to reset my clock.

Whilst in forum mode ... it's interesting to note that there seems to be no forum rules, nor moderators and or a hint of admin. I wonder how that's working in the background. None the less the forum seem active enough - despite comparisons to other likewise forums where others claim this forum to be less than active. I understand what they mean, yet the system still works all the same. I get what you mean about being drained in certain atmospheres D and I got to say even with the outwardly administrated mental health forums ... this one is no more or less draining than the others. They are all pretty much the same. LOL - a bit of an in-joke there ... no offense guys.

I think we do more to drain ourselves than anything else. That said though ... where we travel certainly impacts on our health. I'm not rushing back into things outside and might just take the camera out once more ... perhaps back to the pond.

It was interesting making up the forum rules today. I am modeling mine on the ones over here: (But because I am attempting to put in my own words ... it's taking me ages to do!)
http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/faq.php?faq=vb_faq

It's ironic as I actually copped a permanent ban from that place some years ago and now here I am creating my own forum modeling my rules on their own. Well well whaddya know! Whilst I think they have some really great points in that list of rules I linked, I also ponder how restrictive than seem to be. I think more so looking on from a mental health perspective and granted that place is not really about mental health.

Journaling is a grey area for some of those rules with regard to emotional letting and personal information. I'll be tweaking my allowances to ensure people have enough freedom to speak as they will within their own realm. Making a distinction between the main forum and ones journal should be enough whilst keeping a check on ones own tone when it either one. The benefits of journaling when allowed in whatever forum is a helpful tool when practiced over time.

Hey I found out with the embedded chat system I have in place ... anyone can just turn up without the need register on the forum itself. You can also log in with either FB, Google, Twitter and or other accounts .. so singing up to chat should just be a one click affair with an instant signing in. Thankfully the ability to kick people is there and I'll probably have to write up a guide for those who may ask about it. I think half the reason chat is not used much here is because it's not so easily seen.

I think that about does it for this post ... Hope this find you all well.

Take care guys ... don't be strangers now ... although I understand how we all need our space and or looking for ones that are not full of so much rants. hehe.
Adios until next post.

Be Still ... Be the Canvas as Eckhart commonly says.

[Ponder]

Sneak Peek at the forum Banner I made today: (still behind in the documentation but will get to that; all in good time)

​https://image.ibb.co/goKHvF/The_Final_Banner.png


And you will be pleased to know I got the chat system up and running now. You can link Youtube videos and share photos among other things. Better than the old chat systems that I've been used to: The chat box is embedded in the footer at the bottom of the home page but spread more with a width of 1366 and height of about 285. Still working on the web art for that ... but fits the color scheme good enough for now.

https://image.ibb.co/hL9T2v/Chat_Preview.jpg

As you can see in the banner up there, I have a Creative Expressions Category especially for Journaling, Poetry, Quotes and all that kind of thing. I think is a good way to interact without having to be a guru on every topic; just finding stuff and adding it to the treasure trove will be fun enough.

The rules is a real chore hey! I think I am too soft - I am making my points come across more as guide lines and once the whole administration side of things is done, I am going to take a page out of this place and take a back seat as far as the official hat goes. I'll create a use account and just join like like regular folk. I think the same for moderation too. For sure the forum can have some moderation going on ... needs to be to keep the place relaxed and let others know it's not a place for debate ... BUT ... I am not having the official labels enabled ... No Stars ... Rewards and all that kind of thing ... everyone will be on an even keel from beginning to end. I won't even have likes enabled. No offense but I think best to leave all that for social media.

I know your busy D - but if and when you get a change to read this post let me know what you think? After all ... given that the place is not for drama and no BS reward system in place ... we might be the only two posting and chatting away. LOL. Narrr is all good. I'm going to have a lot of good info across the boards. I'll get some good promotion going but just in the name of getting along and having fun.

I best get some sleep. Sore throat is still lingering. Nights are the worst for that, especially when I can't breath through my nose.

Adios ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Dahila]

It looks good and for sure I am going to join. :)

[Ponder]

:) Thanks D - Once again I have been flat out and unable to revisit FB. Court preparations on the go or more so finalizing all we need for the long car trip coming up this week. I don't think we could of picked a better place to stay. It's affiliated with the local Buddhist College:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4218/35831438805_a434d581e8_o.jpg

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4257/35831439015_8f7ce7fc0f_o.jpg

It has great reviews that all tend towards how peaceful this place is.
___________________________________________

Other than that, I have been invited to participate in a course at the mental health facility that I often attend:


Introduction to Intentional Peer Support Group.



4 Tasks:



Connection
World View
Mutuality
Moving Towards.


I'm keen ... I think I can use the training in learning to facilitate my proposed forum. Speaking of which I just ducked down to the centre today to pick up an agreement we made during men's group one time. It's a Discomfort Agreement. All encouraging and strength based words aimed at helping peers to realize how it is that growth can come from the sitting with discomfort. [relatively speaking] (I'll post my discomfort agreement when it's done) As I alluded in my previous post I am not content with the way a lot of forums right up their rules. I am still going through the spiritual forums list and rewriting them. However I also intent to be rewriting what I have already written with this discomfort agreement in mind being sure to always use encouraging words and reiterating the aims as aligned with meditation; which in fact requires effort before obtaining that overrated effortless state. Smiles to think how I am struggling to be concise.

I think I have said enough ... time to get back to work.

Hope this finds you all well.

OH YEA ... I managed to get back into a routine now and happy I am sticking with this whole meditation forum project. I can say I am sticking with more things now, compared to that of a few years ago. I still get hugely passionate about new ideas ... but thankfully making more realistic and sustainable decisions/mini goals. (No such thing as fail) Finding space in a shrinking world - I remember coming up with that quote like it was yesterday and whilst I am sure it's been said many a time, it's been an insightful journey since giving up those meds. The latter a personal journal that's worked for me. All the best for whatever works.

OK:
Adios until next post. :)

[Ponder]

Hey guys I just quickly share the Discomfort Agreement we made as is. After all I was a part of it's making. Basically we came up with it to help members of the group better handle the sensitive nature of what comes to light as atypically does withing like wise mental health groups. The process and or means alluded to within this agreement is not unlike any other in which to endure discomfort so that we can grow and or just get back to moving on. Moving on in a way that allows us to enjoy the sun! Since were talking about growth an all. You can't grow if your head is always stuck in linear mode. Is good to sit back and allow others the space they need and is also a good way for ourselves to achieve the same and breathe. Anyways here's the link to that agreement as is. I alter it a little later to be more suited to my forum, but will amount to the same:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B4GaeJRR5gXCRll1T2xreW0wUms/view?usp=sharing

[iwanttobeok]

I guess this a kind of group therapy, which is pretty great! I guess banter doesn't come with a like rating. The format is nice and simple, too. About the nose thing, non-medicated saline mist helps a bit.

[Ponder]

Thx for the kind words and tip. Hope things are going well your end. Still traveling home atm, but will update this here space when I get back.

Thx iwantobeok ... I will do as you suggest. ;)

[gypsylee]

Where did you go this time, Ponder? I just got back from the Riverland in SA. Still recovering from that drive (and mum lol).

[Ponder]

Sounds like a nice place Gypsy and yea ... know what you mean. :)

My wife and I took our daughter to court where she was brow beaten by some old crony judge. He threatened to lock her up and take her child. Both she and my wife were in tears with no legal representation whilst the abusing father was pretty much home and hose with how things were panning out. I was doing my best to look after the little one who was way out of his realm and having a hard time adjusting to the changes taking place.

I'll try to keep this short. The whole ordeal has really depleted me big time and hearing how things have unfolded has about ripped my heart out once more with regards to humanity and all that jazz. You know how that goes.

I ended up taking 4 books from the glass cabinet at the Buddhist Lodgings we were staying at on my way out this morning when we left.

Thankfully the judge ended up doing a flip and our daughter is not being forced to relocate into a situation where she would have no support. Alas the abusive way in which he dealt with her has scared both herself and my wife. Our authoritarian systems are well renowned for abusing the victims as you know. Cowards really. Had they had legal representation I doubt the judge would of been so ruthless. It not about the kids best interest you know ... its about not triggering off the Judge's sensitivities. Long story short our intensive response was good enough to turn the judge knowing full well we would not settle for his abuse and then let the father carry on with his.

Anyways ... I said I would not go on. SIGH. The little fella is safe enough for now and our daughter not locked up with her child still safely by her side. Fancy that hey - threatening young mothers by telling them they'll lose their kids of they don't comply to orders that place their kids at risk. That's how ludicrous they system is!

OK ... enough said. Time to go back and work on my lonesome meditation forum still developing under some rock. :)
________________________________________________

Did you have a good time Gypsy?

[Ponder]

Back into my routine today. Up early and out doing my one hour walk in the cold. I'm not into taking cold showers, (well not today at least) but there is a LOT to be said for avoiding stable temps as is where the immune system becomes weak. It's a long term thing ... Is wise to mix things up a bit. Also back to eating less. (Lemon water for breakfast, main meal for lunch and salad for dinner later followed with a piece of fruit. Cups of tea and warm water during the day) That too was good to mix up a bit over the last few days! LOL ... excuses excuses. Munch Much (to be sure was a comfort thing - whatever filled the gap for that time being) The eating less phase is an excellent alternative to fasting. Its an exercise in discipline without stressing my body so much whilst allowing me to get enough done.

Seriously ... I have a good grounding now in what it takes to keep on track physically and that despite my broken anatomy and the fact I'm aging faster than I'd like to be.

Mentally though - for me ... it's a full time job. That's where this whole focus on Meditation has come in. Back to doing ten minute meditations with the focus on implementing a likewise state of mind throughout my daily activities. In fact is was the only way I just got through the last couple of days and to be honest the only way I have made my transformation over the last couple of years with no sliding back or the need for those long worn out comeback sessions. More mind and less exercise is still key for me. Where exercise is more about movement and part of my day than anythings else. It still has it's place ... just changing the mentality towards it is all.

As well as throwing the rules out I have am now thinking of changing the name of my forum from Meditation Forum ... to Meditation 4 Mental Illness / Stillness for Illness ... whatever works.

There are just too many wellness snobs that have all the knowledge but keep it for themselves. Is the way of our marketing culture. There is a lot of free source of material out there, but also a lot of people reading each other their rights.

I best get back to my routine ... so I can keep on working on the forum project. I am at that point where I often give these big projects up. I spent hours and days on writing up my list of rules ... but then after this trip and that BS my daughter and wife suffered at the court ... well ... *&^% the rules! Smilingly So Of Course. :)

Adios until next post.

[gypsylee]

Well I got to see my daughter - she turned 16 while we were there - but lots of stress involved. I'm starting to really like the place though.. Really peaceful compared to Melbourne, as you can imagine :)

[Ponder]

I find fostering what we can pays off for the better on both ends. To be sure though Gypsy we got to factor in the stress levels so we can function otherwise it all ends up a mess. Does that make sense?

Oh yea ... I can imagine with a comparison like that. You intrigued me with such a picture so I went in search via google images and found one I liked. I tweaked it a little in Photoshop. I actually toned down the color. I can see the appeal of this place!!!

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4329/35563271820_3ca0c81943_h.jpg

Imagine having that as a home. Solar power with air con, internet, satellite connectivity and what not. How awesome would that be. :)

Thanks for sharing that with me Gypsy. I also enjoyed looking at the other online photos. Certainly a place to put on the list but that last trip was a once in a lifetime for us. All the same ... is good just looking online at these places.

[iwanttobeok]

Pretty! <3

[gypsylee]

Nice pic :) It's taken me a while to decide I like it because I was devastated when my daughter went there (with her dad) and it's always stressful. If money wasn't an issue I'd definitely get a place up there, but who doesn't have money as an issue? Makes perfect sense what you said Ponder.

[Cullingford]

Hi ya guys I have finally managed to get back, Hi Dahila good to see you I ought to go back and read all this thread but I am just too lazy. So you will just have to tell me what you have all been up to. :D. Me I am still up to my usual tricks

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4293/35955241965_ff69bbb8bf_b.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/WMf1LV)

[Ponder]

You are an exceptional individual gypsy. The story to which you refer has no doubt played a large part into that. I would say from what I have come to know of you in here, is that you played your part as well as anyone could of ever hoped to of done had any of us been in your position. Thank you for sharing more with me. I really appreciate that! We are all lucky to know each other in places like this. I am thankful to those who are kind enough to reach out. On that note ... TY iwantobeok. Your presence is very much appreciated as well. :)

Here is another pic I came up with myself whilst out walking this afternoon. The sun was low and light rather scarce. So it was that making this a filtered pictured worked well enough. A group of of mobile homes with dark interiors and a soon to be setting sun:


https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4312/35145646383_05240c935d_o.jpg

Things are going really slow now with my forum but that's OK ... at least I have not given up. I nailed the Name of the forum once more with my wife helping out. :)

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4302/35784977252_d9509dd9f4_o.jpg

Today I contacted an open source mediation website to ask if they would have any issues if I was to link to their various pages. Linking that way is refereed to as deep linking and not something that many websites like others sites doing. They much prefer for people to land on their home page. I can link at any rate, but just playing it safe and now starting to do the "right" thing as well as avoid websites that object as I really have no interest in sharing information that comes from people who are more into property rights. It's that kind of tainting that spoils the brew and messes up the intent of ones message as is. The internet is quite twisted like that. Everyone has the answers with the importation thing being most people promoting self. Self Gain.

I wonder at times that I myself may be seen like that, but it really does not feel that way when I reach deep. For starters I don't have enough polish and at the best of times can't even get two words right. I smile though because I know words are not really were its at ... although yea yea, without them it's hard to make our points. Man I am still wasted from my trip and the lead up to the events that took place. I really have to sit back a little and let all that emotional static do its thing. I guess that's why I am just chilling in here once again.

I ended up putting chat back into the forum after deciding to take it out. LOL again as all this reshuffling of decisions is going to happen for a while yet with the building of this forum. What made me put it back in was the decision on mental illness being the focus on the forum. Like I said in a previous post ... we have enough well being snobs and I think the same goes for sanctimonious spiritual seekers as well. Now I mean to to be negative in those acknowledgement. Not at all. Somehow I will iron that our in my introduction to site aims in a much more compassionate way ... eventually when the penny drops. lol

What I am hopping is for a few friends from here and all the other mental health forums I frequent may come along if not just to chat in the live chat box to be found in the footer. For instance Gypsy ... if your reading this ... it would be an honor if you were able to link to any kind of open source material that's helped you keep a grip walking your path; so to speak. I'm trying to avoid books and links that are commercial though. For instance although I have the amazon kindle version of the Power of Now ... I would instead link to the power of now PDF like this one:

https://brahmstalks.files.wordpress.com/2016/05/the-power-of-now.pdf

... to keep in line with all information being 100% free. It's interesting to think how many of these texts are available for free online and for sure it's open for debate ... but not in the forum I am creating. If it's meant to be that I am contacted and link be removed then so be it. It's interesting to note that the source of the above link comes from:

https://brahmstalks.wordpress.com/

... and I could question that source as to the validity of using said source and yadda yadda ... but the fact is that particular book of Eckhart Tolles is all over the internet available as pdf. I have done far worse with the amount of text I have previously copied and pasted here. No doubt I will be a lot more careful as I now seek to keep things 100% open source and respective to linked copyright requirements which is fairly relaxed with free information. The other facet to avoid are those types selling eBooks that require signing up and monetary hits ... that's self promoting for self gain. You get heaps of that in here! The good ol anxiety cure. cough cough.

sorry to ramble on guys. I seem to be coming across a lot of open source stuff with donations being nothing more than to legitimately support their sites ... but then again ... I may be surprised to see how people react just for the simply acts of asking if I can use links. Fact is I really don't have to ask under certain laws ... a big one being under the fair use act. None the less, I want to know who is legit with all the wondrous claims or reaching out and working towards this supposed shift. When it comes to money doing the talking, you can then be sure that's why another 50 years from now it's still all talk. Alas ... all of this is neither here nor there. I just see it for what it is and then relay as best I can brush.

Here is a link I will share ... from the site I just contacted as my/your forum's fist point of call:

Open Source Meditation:
http://meditation.org.au/index.asp?mobilecheck=true

I have no affiliation with these guys and bla bla bla ... The following "bit" of text comes straight from the link above:
"Meditation put simply, is the new common sense. It should not be encumbered by the fundamentalism of one group, religion or even science. Secularists and atheists can meditate just as effectively as meditators that are religious..."

BUT here is the podcast that really got my attention whilst out on my afternoon walk. It got me thinking on the spiritual side of meditation that may be a little full on for those just starting out. However don't let that put you off. In fact I go make cuppa and think more on it myself. Then I share that link which lead me to the above.

BRB ... soon enough.

[Ponder]

But first ... CULLY!. Is awesome to see you again! As always ... you do magic with your tools. Are you wadding through that or in a boat?

No need to read ... just do as you do. Welcome to keep posting like you used to do. You never seem to have a shortage of inspirational shots like the above. Thanks heaps for posting that Cully. :)

PS ... I really liked the profile pic on Flikr ... I just Favorited that.

[Ponder]

I'm listening to Class 50 - The Ego - 6/19/2014 on Learn To Meditate - Meditation Podcast:
https://image.ibb.co/iHzZhv/live_streaming.jpg (http://meditation.org.au/downloads/class50complete.mp3)

Learn to meditate - the meditation society of Australia: (50 class lessons) (http://meditation.org.au/podcast_description.asp?feed=http://meditation.org.au/learntomeditate.xml&xtitle=Learn%20to%20Meditate%20-%20FREE%20Meditation&xdescription=The%20course%20features%20a%20variety %20of%20meditation%20techniques%20including%20mant ra,%20meditating%20with%20the%20breath%20and%20mus ic,%20concentration%20and%20meditation%20on%20a%20 object.&xpicture=http://meditation.org.au/images/learntomeditatepodcast.jpg&xitunes=http://www.itunes.com/podcast?id=197308794&xyahoo=&as=a&xoffer=Occasional)

Home Page:
Open Source Meditation (http://meditation.org.au)

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I really should do up a guide on how to listen to these kind of insights from a perspective of someone just starting out into the realm of meditation and spirituality for self help. Like not that I profess to know much myself, but it does help to have some kind of guide when starting out.

Firstly this podcasts is the last of a 50 episode series that I just happened upon whilst searching on my phones app iTunes under the heading of meditation for mental illness. About 10 years ago at age 38 my wife and kids thought I was nuts when diving into stuff like this and to be honest most of what was just presented in that 16 minute podcast above would of gone right over my head. My mother back then put me on a prayer chain where they renounced the devil they believed that had possessed me. Thankfully I have come a long way since and detached from all that hold on my life. Whilst I still struggle with much of what's presented in that podcast, I understand a lot more now.

Ego has been rather confusing to deal with and for the most part I agree with the interpretation on how most of us misleadingly see it as something we need to do away with. Eckhart talks about this aspect as well and I see a lot of elements of his teachings within this podcast as presented so.

One aspect I was thinking about after coming across this find was the spiritual aspect to meditation and how I may relate that to the benefit of mediation along side the more clinically accepted form of mindfulness. No doubt a forum sub category under spiritual teachers -philosophy kind of thing.

Interesting stuff all the same.

Here is another cool link I came across:
http://www.buddhanet.net/xmedfile.htm
Home Page (http://www.buddhanet.net/) ←

Again ... not for the beginner (try class 1 of the 2nd link above) ... I will no doubt find stuff for that more in the way of western white coat material that washes it all down ... BUT ... that's not my preference as that results more into the quick fix mentality that leads people back to subscribing and paying into more commercialized books, paid services and personal gain.

I think sticking with non secularized text that digs deeper than clinical mindfulness will be a good staple; although no doubt it would be a good starting place to some degree. I smile to think how some Evangelical / Charismatic/ Pentecostal churches now incorporate mindfulness. (Big Business you see ... another story for another time) People are wising up these days ... it's just a matter of finding the good stuff and presenting it in an open way. Not sure I am the right person for that ... but will be good to have a place with a few people into this kind of thing. See what happens I guess.

By the way ... this is what I am currently listening to (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dE_XVl7fwBQ) as I type this. The Meditation 4 Mental STillness forum's recommendation for this week. :)

Time for some ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzs

Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

This morning’s personal flash of insight:
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Impermanence:

“There is a sense of freedom that comes from the knowing of just how impermanent things really be.”

Clinging gives way to a release that feels like a wave or relief. In this way suffering need not feel half as bad when in that addictive mode of having to find reason for everything. Not only will our own pain inevitable come to an end but also that of others we love so dearly.

So it is I say to myself once more – “There is a sense of freedom that comes from the knowing of just how impermanent things really be.”
__________________

Additionally this line of thought opens a path of understanding that is to be had from the sitting with of one’s discomfort.

That I ponder some more but now is time to go for a walk.
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Hope this finds you as well as can be.

[Barong Baj Baj]

My exercise for today :) Bought a new game - is yet to be released. Is one of those buy into early games on steam. I ended up getting the gaming laptop which I'm now going to need. lol. I created the need. OM MY! Just like those doctors and drug companies! Took me ages to map out my keys and still learning how to use the inventory, camera controls and all that jazz. I'm only getting like 12 to 25 frames per second on very low settings. I fluked 4th p[position out of 90 odd players. My son was helping me out though and I really just lucked it out that game. Ever since I have been getting nailed each time early on.

I best get some sleep and think about getting back into routine. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Walking and weights tomorrow.

This guy shows off the game really well. Perhaps not his first go ... but his second go he does really well ... up until the end that is.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ie1TBpjgrDM

Try and record some! I'd love to see it

[martin05]

Ponder, I clicked on your forum link and it said "account suspended". Have I clicked on the wrong link? Apologies if this has been answered previously. It's hard to keep up using a small phone screen!

[Ponder]

Barong Baj Baj - I suck at that game. The irony is that I am more proficient with World of Tanks. :) The truth is I would do far better to find some kind of farming game or invent something more conducive to my new wave of thinking. :) ... Alas ... World of Tanks is like playing darts and presents a whole new line of tactics which makes for a great distraction regardless of all things considered. PUB is a very taxing game for my gaming laptop but it can play reasonable well at 45- to 50fps.

Hi matin05 ... always nice to see you pop in. I will PM you my new forum address. I had issues with the last hosting server which prompted me to make a change. I am now using ProbBoards and no longer the phpBB support group. You are welcome to be the second member to join if you so wish. I would be honored. :) No pressure. It's just that the forum development is very slow. Perhaps it might take off with the introduction of a few new members. : )

I have a chat box in the footer and if you see me logged in please feel free to type in a message. I am genuinely easy going as is the intent of the forum ... I have actually put no links in or talked anywhere near as much as I have in here ... BUT that's about to change. Today I am off to do a vlog ... perhaps I will maybe talk a little about the forum in that.

Thanks for asking about the forum ... I PM you the link and eventually I will promote it a little bit in here ... BUT not for the purpose of self gain. I might just make a quick post and simply put the link in my signature when that time is right. I am thinking about doing more on my journaling in there though. Just read my update thread to find out my intention for the forum and well ... since it looks like there may be two members joining today, I guess it wont be long before I just invite whoever would like to join. I need a few stickies more on what and how to meditate on a basic level ... as well as more similar links as above for those looking to dive right into it or just add to their own interests / experiences.

Bringing my thoughts together takes me a while in the meditation forum because I am taking extra time to be more coherent + my learning difficulties/challenges ... well ... some people in here already have complained that my written word is hard to follow. No matter though. I think I convey well enough. I'm tending towards dong my best to be on the same wavelength, doing what can be done to guide myself and others in order to be better understand.
I have to run ... but linking to you now in PM.

Edit PM Sent.

[Cullingford]

Morning all don't worry Dave I was not wading i does look like I was in there I must admit. I went out yesterday evening to check out a new area I thought it would be be a good place for Owls it turned out to be really nice. I walked for a couple of hours in a large circle I hate going back the way I came! I didn't see another person the whole time, which is a definite bonus for me. It took me through meadows and along fields I managed to spot a couple of Owls, Buzzards and Hares. I took a bridge camera with me which a friend gave me to try it out I am not overly impressed with it to say the least! but I did manage a couple of snaps. All in all it was a great success a new area discovered with I will definitely try again with some decent gear.

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4305/35578866680_3658530d4c_b.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/WcYZvS)


https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4308/35967751935_5336b6c083_b.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/WNm8y4)


https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4313/35797045632_cf99c1d6c1_b.jpg (https://flic.kr/p/WxgdvW)

[Ponder]

Nice job all the same Cully. I love number 3. Yea, for me it takes a while to get used to a new camera; especially a bridge one. I think you did quite well with your last one being my favorite. LOL at the sign PUBLIC FOOTPATH. Is good there is at least 3. :) Good point about doing a full circle and even better that you were able to stroll in peace.

I attempted to do a Vlog today and show you my new compact Lumix LX10 but there was too much noise down by the pond so I ended up deleting and will retry another day. I did however get the following snap shot from the shady spot I was sitting in:

https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4303/35589173620_f28891d706_b.jpg

Dead centre on the other side is where I usually sit. I tried something different today but like I said ... it was way to noisy for me. I just could not get into the grove for the vlog. I may try again tomorrow. I'm doing little bit by little bit with my own camera as I am still yet getting to know it. It takes great snap shots and I don't mind shooting in manual mode. I just need time and space to feel at one with it and my environment. I'm still in vlog mode which kind of takes my mind off the photo settings and also tends to see me look for more secluded spots when not at home. I've been pondering whether to get a hammock of a bivy with the thought of getting back into a few overnight bush trips. I find that's a good way for me to get into photo mode. I might just think more day trips and see where that leads. A well planned day trip could be just the thing. I think you are a master of those kind of adventures Cully. You certainly know your gear and come back from your trips with loads of treasure shots.
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[Dahila]

wow A. you never cease to amaze me with your pics, How can I post anything in your company. nothing I do measure up :)

[Ponder]

Your presence is far more than enough D. :) It's the attending words that makes a picture sing for me and then even more important is the company of others.

Of course you were talking of A (and your dead right about his magnificent images) - however I just wanted to add how much brighter the world looks when you step up to the plate. :)

OK OK !!! I am going to bed!!!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

You only have to check out Cullys Flickr profile to see just how professional he has become. Outstanding!!!

[Cullingford]

Good evening what a lovely spot you have down by the pond Dave you have caught the peace and presence of the place beautifully. I always imagine what it would be like to be in one of your shots not being able to name any of the trees, birds or plants. You say it was too noisy were there others down there? having never done a vlog myself I can imagine you need peace and quiet, I have recorded my voice in the past only to be utterly shocked at my horrible accent I am like do I really sound that bad! so hats off to you a vlog is way out of my league.
I had a short walk and took that bridge camera with me again to give it another chance so to speak, I would have been so pissed off if I had paid for the bloody thing! I have got to the point of utter disgust of it the only thing left to do is decide which charity shop to dump it off on.

Back to the footpaths, we are very lucky here there are so many paths and lanes you can easily walk all day without going near any tarmac, the only problem can be land owners letting things grow up you can easily find yourself stuck up a dead end with no idea where the path should be, I bloody hate having to backtrack. A while back I got this app on my phone with all the rights of way on and my position it's brilliant I never get buggered up any more. Keep the pictures coming brilliant! I love your Australian landscapes.

Hi Dahila hows things with you are you still doing magic in wonderful garden of yours?.