bluepaintcan123
03-26-2017, 07:47 PM
I want to believe that I'm not a horrible person. Not a good person, but not awful either. Any interaction with my mom makes me believe otherwise.
Every word out of her mouth is either a complaint or a demand relating to me. I get that moms are supposed to be bossy, but her voice is filled with bitterness, like she is always frustrated with being near me. We never talk much (mostly because I don't want to deal with her) so I can say with absolute certainty that it has been weeks, possibly months since I've heard her say anything positive about me (or in general.)
Recently I went to a psychiatrist from a recommendation by my psychotherapist and it made me realize something about her. When talking about me, when she is with other people she has this "I want to be closer to you/understand you" attitude, but as soon as that is over she does none of that. If anything she does things that she knows irritates me, and laughs when I get frustrated with her. As soon as I take it too far in her eyes she calls me out and suddenly it isn't funny anymore. It is the most annoying thing to deal with, and it almost makes me hate smiling in general (especially if she tries to make me laugh.) She doesn't seem to get that laughing at me makes me feel inferior, or she just doesn't care. I wouldn't be surprised if it was the latter, to be honest.
I think she has contempt for me, at least on some unconscious level. When I first proposed to her that I might be depressed, she looked at me and said with absolute conviction "No, you aren't depressed." She didn't even hear my reasoning yet. After making me mad again she gave her faulty reasoning. Apparently because she has gone through more than I have, suddenly I can't have depression. Granted, she took it back, but she usually does that after facing negative consequences (a.k.a. not out of logic or empathy, but from wanting to look good.)
She says I don't talk to her, therefore our relationship is bad, but I don't think its that simple. In the past (years and years ago) when we've argued and I took the opportunity to explicitly state things like "I feel like you never listen to me" and "You don't take me seriously!" She acknowledged that, and said she would do something about it, but nothing changed. I have even reminded her of that, and the same thing happened again. I have reached a point where I know there isn't a point to trying to fix our relationship because you need two people for that to happen, and there is clearly someone not there.
I don't talk much, so that doesn't help, but it only makes it more difficult to reach out when she doesn't want to understand me. Even on being an introvert, she doesn't get it. She gets upset when I don't want to go outside and it is very clear that she doesn't understand when I want to spend my free time at home and recharge. My frustrations with not having alone time are also ignored by her too. Even on my personal habits, she doesn't care.
I set aside a chair where I set up my things (jacket, backpack, etc.) and she gets angry and says I'm just making the room dirty. She goes through my things without asking (and, again, laughs when I catch her) and acts as if my personal space doesn't matter as long as she can get a laugh out of it.
I'd like to add that I don't think most of her actions are even warranted. I am doing well in school (95 average), I take AP classes and college readiness classes, along with being in the national honors society. I am largely independent and make sure my grades stay up on my own, along with doing my homework (sort of, but she doesn't know that. I just missed three APUS assignments because I didn't care but my average is still high and she won't find out so it doesn't matter much.) I know for certain I am going to college (I have to leave this hellhole as soon as I can) and I am doing so not just to get a good job but for the experiences and going abroad. I am a creative person and I can draw decently well, I can play an instrument, I'm in my school band, I am taking jobs over the summer, basically doing everything a good student should.
I have never done drugs before, never had sex, never dated, never kissed anyone, never drank alcohol, never ran away from home, never got physically violent (except for in elementary school once), never got involved with gangs, never failed a class in middle school and high school, and I don't think I've ever cussed at my mom before. I'd say my track record is pretty decent, aside from the fact that I don't clean much.
Me being sloppy and not helping around the house is one of the few things she can honestly complain about, but even then that isn't 100%. I take out the trash each morning, help put the dirty clothes in laundry bags (dragging them up and down the stairs), and (when told to) I wash the dishes. Again, I don't always do that, and it might take me a day or two to get it done, but it isn't something to get worked up about, yet she always does.
I can't help but think about how much worse it would before her if I was involved with gangs, or if I did heroin. That would be worthy of the attitude she gives me now. I honestly feel worthless when she acts the way she does, and the fact that I know I can never convey that to her hurts me so much.
I feel even worse when she talks to my sister about me when I'm not in the room. Its like they are gossiping about how bitchy and terrible I am, and how I'm such a burden to others. I get it, I have a bad attitude and I don't talk, but why do you think that is? Waking up every morning just waiting until you hear her yell your name and point at something (oh look, another thing I fucked up. Why am I surprised?); those are the little things that make me hate being alive.
I am more and more desperate to get as far away from her as I can because I hate feeling like this, and I need to know if this is justified.
Please give some input. I hate having the wrong perspective on things like this.
Every word out of her mouth is either a complaint or a demand relating to me. I get that moms are supposed to be bossy, but her voice is filled with bitterness, like she is always frustrated with being near me. We never talk much (mostly because I don't want to deal with her) so I can say with absolute certainty that it has been weeks, possibly months since I've heard her say anything positive about me (or in general.)
Recently I went to a psychiatrist from a recommendation by my psychotherapist and it made me realize something about her. When talking about me, when she is with other people she has this "I want to be closer to you/understand you" attitude, but as soon as that is over she does none of that. If anything she does things that she knows irritates me, and laughs when I get frustrated with her. As soon as I take it too far in her eyes she calls me out and suddenly it isn't funny anymore. It is the most annoying thing to deal with, and it almost makes me hate smiling in general (especially if she tries to make me laugh.) She doesn't seem to get that laughing at me makes me feel inferior, or she just doesn't care. I wouldn't be surprised if it was the latter, to be honest.
I think she has contempt for me, at least on some unconscious level. When I first proposed to her that I might be depressed, she looked at me and said with absolute conviction "No, you aren't depressed." She didn't even hear my reasoning yet. After making me mad again she gave her faulty reasoning. Apparently because she has gone through more than I have, suddenly I can't have depression. Granted, she took it back, but she usually does that after facing negative consequences (a.k.a. not out of logic or empathy, but from wanting to look good.)
She says I don't talk to her, therefore our relationship is bad, but I don't think its that simple. In the past (years and years ago) when we've argued and I took the opportunity to explicitly state things like "I feel like you never listen to me" and "You don't take me seriously!" She acknowledged that, and said she would do something about it, but nothing changed. I have even reminded her of that, and the same thing happened again. I have reached a point where I know there isn't a point to trying to fix our relationship because you need two people for that to happen, and there is clearly someone not there.
I don't talk much, so that doesn't help, but it only makes it more difficult to reach out when she doesn't want to understand me. Even on being an introvert, she doesn't get it. She gets upset when I don't want to go outside and it is very clear that she doesn't understand when I want to spend my free time at home and recharge. My frustrations with not having alone time are also ignored by her too. Even on my personal habits, she doesn't care.
I set aside a chair where I set up my things (jacket, backpack, etc.) and she gets angry and says I'm just making the room dirty. She goes through my things without asking (and, again, laughs when I catch her) and acts as if my personal space doesn't matter as long as she can get a laugh out of it.
I'd like to add that I don't think most of her actions are even warranted. I am doing well in school (95 average), I take AP classes and college readiness classes, along with being in the national honors society. I am largely independent and make sure my grades stay up on my own, along with doing my homework (sort of, but she doesn't know that. I just missed three APUS assignments because I didn't care but my average is still high and she won't find out so it doesn't matter much.) I know for certain I am going to college (I have to leave this hellhole as soon as I can) and I am doing so not just to get a good job but for the experiences and going abroad. I am a creative person and I can draw decently well, I can play an instrument, I'm in my school band, I am taking jobs over the summer, basically doing everything a good student should.
I have never done drugs before, never had sex, never dated, never kissed anyone, never drank alcohol, never ran away from home, never got physically violent (except for in elementary school once), never got involved with gangs, never failed a class in middle school and high school, and I don't think I've ever cussed at my mom before. I'd say my track record is pretty decent, aside from the fact that I don't clean much.
Me being sloppy and not helping around the house is one of the few things she can honestly complain about, but even then that isn't 100%. I take out the trash each morning, help put the dirty clothes in laundry bags (dragging them up and down the stairs), and (when told to) I wash the dishes. Again, I don't always do that, and it might take me a day or two to get it done, but it isn't something to get worked up about, yet she always does.
I can't help but think about how much worse it would before her if I was involved with gangs, or if I did heroin. That would be worthy of the attitude she gives me now. I honestly feel worthless when she acts the way she does, and the fact that I know I can never convey that to her hurts me so much.
I feel even worse when she talks to my sister about me when I'm not in the room. Its like they are gossiping about how bitchy and terrible I am, and how I'm such a burden to others. I get it, I have a bad attitude and I don't talk, but why do you think that is? Waking up every morning just waiting until you hear her yell your name and point at something (oh look, another thing I fucked up. Why am I surprised?); those are the little things that make me hate being alive.
I am more and more desperate to get as far away from her as I can because I hate feeling like this, and I need to know if this is justified.
Please give some input. I hate having the wrong perspective on things like this.