bluepaintcan123
03-18-2017, 02:48 PM
Sometimes I get really worried that I'm not actually changing anything and staying in a circle of self-pity for my whole life. I was looking through Pinterest and found a post where they had those relatable texts (I don't know what they're called) that had stuff like "that moment when you dread the next day" and anxiety related stuff, but below each one was a picture of soldiers and stuff like that. The person comments at the end that "there are people worse off than you" and I just started crying nonstop. I've always hated that phrase and it just makes me feel like a selfish prick for acting the way I do.
I cry all the time and I hate getting up in the morning even if nothing bad is going to happen. I never smile and barely talk to other people, and I complain so much to my therapist. In fact, the only thing I ever do is complain. It makes me think about the little impact I've had on the world and how much time I waste just surfing the internet and whining about unimportant bullshit. I could be volunteering, or helping the homeless, or doing ANYTHING, but all my time is wasted on nothing.
It amazes me that people still bother to stick around me if I haven't even contributed anything to their lives. I am selfish, why do you want to get anywhere near me???? It almost makes me want to push them away so that I don't end up wasting their time. I'm just going to be a drain on your resources and I won't bother helping out because I "don't feel like it right now." You KNOW that I don't like to go outside, so why are you bothering to do things with me? Even when I try to act like a normal person one think can tick me off and send my into a bad mood for the entire day.
Even when I am writing this right now I am realizing more and more as to how awful of a person I am, not even by comparing myself to a soldier but to a REGULAR PERSON.
What normal person is this socially stupid? Even people with terrible mental problems have compassion and a desire to help others, but all I care about is getting away from other people. I just close myself off and isolate myself for no reason. I just cry and cry and cry and never do anything for anyone else. I don't even change after all this time, after acknowledging how terrible I am as a human being and even now looking and pointing out what I am doing wrong, nothing changes.
I think that the only reason people don't change is because they don't want to change, so I think that deep down inside I don't want to change either. It might be because I am stubborn and refuse to budge until someone acknowledges the "pain" and "suffering" I've gone through or some dumb crap like that. I wouldn't be surprised, I am known to be a huge drama queen. Sometimes I wish that changing my personality was as easy as pressing a button, because I know exactly what I would do. I'd just make myself a hardworking person that cares more about others than themselves. Someone that would stay up all night to do their work and never complained a day in their life. Someone that would practically serve the people around them as if they were kings and always put others first so that they could feel cared about. In the end, I'm nothing like that. I don't have that level of compassion, or caring, or ambition, or anything.
I'm just a slob of a human being that drops responsibilities as soon as it gets too tough and can't remember "please" and "thank you." If I was my own mother I would have kicked myself out of the house already.
When I looked back at the post saying "there are people worse off than you", my immediate reaction was to go up against it and why that isn't fair to say, but how can you argue against that? There are people worse off than you, and many are doing much more than you ever could. How the hell can you sit there and complain when others don't even though they have every right to? What does that say about you?
...I don't know. I just wish I knew what do with myself anymore. Funny thing was that I was actually really motivated to start drawing again, but here I am, wasting more time.
How do you escape this?
I cry all the time and I hate getting up in the morning even if nothing bad is going to happen. I never smile and barely talk to other people, and I complain so much to my therapist. In fact, the only thing I ever do is complain. It makes me think about the little impact I've had on the world and how much time I waste just surfing the internet and whining about unimportant bullshit. I could be volunteering, or helping the homeless, or doing ANYTHING, but all my time is wasted on nothing.
It amazes me that people still bother to stick around me if I haven't even contributed anything to their lives. I am selfish, why do you want to get anywhere near me???? It almost makes me want to push them away so that I don't end up wasting their time. I'm just going to be a drain on your resources and I won't bother helping out because I "don't feel like it right now." You KNOW that I don't like to go outside, so why are you bothering to do things with me? Even when I try to act like a normal person one think can tick me off and send my into a bad mood for the entire day.
Even when I am writing this right now I am realizing more and more as to how awful of a person I am, not even by comparing myself to a soldier but to a REGULAR PERSON.
What normal person is this socially stupid? Even people with terrible mental problems have compassion and a desire to help others, but all I care about is getting away from other people. I just close myself off and isolate myself for no reason. I just cry and cry and cry and never do anything for anyone else. I don't even change after all this time, after acknowledging how terrible I am as a human being and even now looking and pointing out what I am doing wrong, nothing changes.
I think that the only reason people don't change is because they don't want to change, so I think that deep down inside I don't want to change either. It might be because I am stubborn and refuse to budge until someone acknowledges the "pain" and "suffering" I've gone through or some dumb crap like that. I wouldn't be surprised, I am known to be a huge drama queen. Sometimes I wish that changing my personality was as easy as pressing a button, because I know exactly what I would do. I'd just make myself a hardworking person that cares more about others than themselves. Someone that would stay up all night to do their work and never complained a day in their life. Someone that would practically serve the people around them as if they were kings and always put others first so that they could feel cared about. In the end, I'm nothing like that. I don't have that level of compassion, or caring, or ambition, or anything.
I'm just a slob of a human being that drops responsibilities as soon as it gets too tough and can't remember "please" and "thank you." If I was my own mother I would have kicked myself out of the house already.
When I looked back at the post saying "there are people worse off than you", my immediate reaction was to go up against it and why that isn't fair to say, but how can you argue against that? There are people worse off than you, and many are doing much more than you ever could. How the hell can you sit there and complain when others don't even though they have every right to? What does that say about you?
...I don't know. I just wish I knew what do with myself anymore. Funny thing was that I was actually really motivated to start drawing again, but here I am, wasting more time.
How do you escape this?