Reaching out

[Anxious and afraid]

Hello everyone.. Let me start by saying this will probably be a pretty long post.. Im needing to express myself without judgment.. And here is where I feel I can do that. Let me jump right in. My anxiety and panic attacks started when I was 16 years old. (I am now 24). It started one day when I had a full blown panic attack after I smoked some marijuana. It was so intense I literally began avoiding alllll triggers or places that would trigger an attack. I began seeing a psychiatrist and was put on lexapro and buspar. I started obsessing over my heart health and eventually developed crippling hypochondria and depression for some years. I would call the ambulance at least twice a week. Which eventually landed me in a a mental rehab place a few times. I developed a big drinking problem that temporarily eased my anxiety for the tine being but when I woke uo it would be a thousand times worse. I was put on vibryd and had the worse reaction ever. I literally had a mental meltdown from the side effects . I was unable to sleep for days, my anxiety and panic was beyond this world… I was twitching and jerking and going through what I believe was serotonin syndrome. I quit taking it and eventually felt normal again but never slept the same. Insomnia has stayed. I eventually accepted the fact that o wasn't going to die from some illness after a few years of exhausting hypochondria. But a new phobia developed. The fear of going crazy and developing a mental disorder that would cause me to lose touch with reality. I indulged in that phobia for quite a while. With extreme panic attacks and anxiety. The whole time I was going through all of this I was in a very unhealthy relationship. After 6 year we split up. And I was fine with that. I few. Months later I met a new guy, I hid my anxiety for a while but it eventually came to the surface very quickly. He automatically didn't understand and was very closed minded to it . forcing me to deal with it in silence. Surprising it all. We quickly moved in together. And that's when he got mentally and physically abusive and extremely controlling. Forcing me to hold all of my emotions in , I feared setting him off. I was able to. Literally train my brain to deny the ability to feel. Anything . and guess what? Anxiety cured. Or so I thought. I got pregnant after only being with him for 5 months. I began a whole new life with this guy . new home, New places , new friends, New everything. Its like I reinvented myself. But was still always holding in my emotions and my true self. I was doing slot better with my new life, but something always felt missing. My pregnancy went great. But the whole time I feared giving birth. Fear I would have a panic attack or die during birth. And exactly 4 weeks ago Today thats what happened. My. Blood pressure got extremely high during labor , with all the meds they had me on I broke out in full blown anxiety attacks back to back. After I had my daughter my anxiety was out the roof and my blood pressure would not go down. Caudingòmore anxiety. It was very traumatic for me since I have not felt such intense fear for so long. Actually haven't felt anything for so long. After 5 days I was able to come home. I've been struggling. My boyfriend is no longer abusive. Hasn't been since I found out I was pregnant. But the habit of still holding in all my emotions and being very insecure stuck with me. I feel like suppressing all my emotions has come to a head. I can no longer do it and irs causing anxiety. I've slowly been showing my true feelings and emotions to my boyfriend and he thinks it great. But but im conflicted. I feel like two different people, the one I was when I first met him, my true real self. And the new person I became after I met him. The one who holds everything in and doesnt feel anything. Im Back to obsessing about mental disorders and going crazy . what if I have borderline personality disorder? Why am I having mood swings? My nerves are bad. I can't sleep and when I do I still have thoughts. Obsessive thoughts that I'm going craxy. The stress of having a baby is not helping. And the fact that my boyfriend thinks I'm just being "crazy " doesn't help either. I feel so alone and isolated. I get episodes of depersonalization/derealization, mood swings, battling myself about going back to the "old me" or continuing to be the "better new. Me".. Please tell me I'm not losing it. I've been going through this for exactly a month. I started back on my buspar but haven't seen my psychiatrist yet because he's booked till the 21st. I just want to be normal and happy .

[josh0745]

Hi there,

You're not going crazy, you're just in a stressful situation that exacerbates conditions like anxiety. I personally want to be myself now (I'm 28) more than I ever have. I have two little ones, and my second (daughter) is what finally triggered my anxiety to come back. She's my everything, and the more I focus on her and raising her and my son the less I worry about being in my head. I know a lot of women in abusive relationships, and a couple that have left them. I can say those that left the relationships (with kids involved) are still battling through some thing but moving forward with their personal lives.

You're better off staying away from the "what ifs" in your mind and direct it towards more rational thinking (I know this is hard but keep at it, you're in control and thoughts are just thoughts).

Focus on your healing, let us know how the psych appt goes and keep us updated on your feelings.

Josh

[Synner]

It seems clear the meds you're on are not working. I was also on Busbar when I was first diagnosed and it didn't do a damn thing for me. I know others it has worked for, but it's apparent it's not for you. First order of business is to try something else via your doc.

I think you have to get this under control before making decisions like "old me or new me", but just based on your post, I think I like the old you better. Holding things in and hiding feelings are not good under any circumstances, but in your situation I would think it only makes things worse. Again, talk to your doc about this. You have to be as open with him/her as you are here. Remember that you can't be helped if you don't explain everything that feels wrong.

[Anxious and afraid]

Thank you so much for the responses. I guess alot of this is coming from surpressed emotions and feelings. Its exhausting trying to hide feelings and be someone you're not. I've always hid my feelings and emotions. Even as a child I guess. My mom was and still isn't very emotional or comforting, the only way I know how to express myself is through rage and anger. And that's only because I've kept it bottled up inside so long I fly off the handle. My ex boyfriend of 6 years eventually just learned to live with it and just accepted it as who I was. But in my current relationship of one year and 5 months my boyfriend always tells me I'm cold, distant, unemotional and I make him feel unloved. I guess its just my way of keeping myself from getting hurt. I want to show him my feelings, be silly, and not insecure around him, but I just don't know where to start. I can't want this to be like my last relationship. Where I was cold and distant and just accepted for being that way. I want to be able to express myself and just be genuinely happy. Especially now that we have a baby. My anxiety has just came to a head from so much . today I have decided to sit down and talk to him about EVERYTHING I've been keeping in for the past year. Im nervous because I'm afraid he'll see me differently or his feelings will change towards me.

[josh0745]

Great idea, tell him all. Then you can get a feel of what your next steps should be in the relationship. I think life is too short to not be yourself!

Josh

[Synner]

Yes, that's a good first step. You shouldn't need to hide things from a partner, particularly things that display outwardly. Our partners should be our first line of emotional support. Admittedly that's difficult with anxiety because it's hard to explain to someone that doesn't suffer from it. But at the very least you should be able to expect support and a sounding board.

[gypsylee]

Hi again,

Good luck talking to your bf. When I had the breakdown when my daughter was 18mths my ex had absolutely zero understanding or compassion and I remember having terrible panic one night and him going "just stop acting like a freak". That kind of thing went on for months, so I started drinking again and ended up leaving. Turns out he's an abusive narcissist - I befriended a woman a few years ago who kicked him out of her house after six months, called the police and had locks changed because of his verbal/emotional abuse. He's given me unbelievable grief since I left, which has caused some kind of Complex PTSD, but at least I got away.

Probably the most important thing is I stopped drinking in my late 30s. I ended up in hospital twice with Pancreatitis and the second time it led to diabetes ie. it killed the insulin-producing cells. It was a bit of a blessing in disguise because my alcoholism was bad and it's a horrible way to live. I've fallen off the wagon plenty of times but mostly I don't think about drinking anymore. I am on meds for anxiety/depression which help, but I was off absolutely everything for 3 years (until all hell broke loose in 2013-14).

All the best..
Gypsy x