Empty Friendship (RANT)

[bluepaintcan123]

So I went to my therapist yesterday and we started talking about how I don't get very attached to anyone, not even my own family. I just kept on talking about how even though I was socializing I

didn't really feel like I was experiencing something good from being around them, and it was like I could replace them with someone else and there would be no difference. I wasn't satisfied with the

relationships I had because I didn't have a reason to pursue it, so I felt little connection and no need to help the relationship blossom.

In the end I would only really hang out with them because I would lose my mind without interacting with anyone (believe me, isolation is the last thing I need) and what I actually want is someone

more dynamic. I want a person that can make me angry and not be afraid to argue with me (as long as we make up right after); I want someone that can tell me something deep and philosophical or

inspiring in some way; I want someone that can make me laugh. The most that I've felt for my current friends is mild amusement. They never stray far from talking about school and it drains me; I

just wish that they cared more about something other than school (it is to a point where they don't even care that a teacher practically insults us. One of their teachers gives so much work that

they don't sleep for DAYS and they barely react to it. It makes me want to scream watching them just brush it off, just act human for once in your life!)

Anyways, my therapist asks me why I think they hang out with me, but I told her I didn't know. In my opinion, it isn't like I add a lot to the conversation, and they could move on just fine without

me. It seems to have always been the case in my friendships (at least after elementary school.) I figured that if there was anything even remotely interesting about me I would bring in more

dynamic people. I'm still don't know...

[aml0017]

I will say this, I can understand feeling disconnected from everyone else in my life. I can understand the feeling that my relationships are insubstantial, not having any deep connection with anyone. I often find myself angry and disapproving of everyone around me, seeing only their faults and flaws. They're judgmental, shallow, small minded, and on and on (and don't get me wrong, a lot of them really are just that). I have a better emotional connection with my pets than with my family even, they are just so easy to love, totally without judgment. However, I have come to realize that problem is not them, it is me. I am the common denominator in all my relationships. I am putting up the walls that prevent people from coming in. I find fault in others so I don't have to admit my own. There will never be that perfect, wonderful person that Iwill just magically open up to. That person or persons is out there but would I even let them close enough to notice?

My point is this - I think you are projecting your low opinion of yourself onto the people you interact with.

[bluepaintcan123]

I don't think so. It isn't like I see them in a really negative way, it's just that there isn't anything to keep me from just walking away after high school. The problem is that I knew that if I never saw them again I wouldn't care, no matter how nice they were. This has happened before too.
I think that I don't connect with them because they aren't dynamic, and believe me, they aren't. We have mild conversations but they never seem to go anywhere or add to anything, and there is nothing I hate more than mild small talk. I know that the only reason this isn't working is because of my standards, but is it wrong to ask for someone lively in a conversation? I have gotten into fiery conversations before, and they were fantastic. I just want to have that again.