Having a bad time... but NO anxiety at all

[aml0017]

I haven't posted in a while because my anxiety has been very low to nonexistent the past 2 months or so. I've been eating a lot healthier and exercising a lot more which is helping a lot. However, I've had a bad few weeks....My dog got very sick, turns out she has cancer and it is terminal (you can see her in my avatar pic, her name is Lola). She is 11 yo so she's had a good long life for a dog, but now she's very weak and has zero quality of life so i will be putting her to rest on Wednesday so she doesn't suffer any longer than she needs to. Of course I have been very concerned for her and distressed about putting her to sleep, but underneath it all I am strangely calm, no anxiety or depression at all.

The point of this post is just to say that now I am dealing with a real issue and just being there for my dog and doing what is best for her, I am completely emotionally capable of doing so. However, the littlest trivial things send my anxiety through the roof. I absolutely am completely familiar with the fact that anxiety is totally irrational, it just makes me think. I just hope I can take this lesson to heart next time I am completely freaking out over some trivial thing.

[gypsylee]

Hi aml,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dog :(

I can relate to that too - being able to cope well with big issues and freaking out about small ones.

Gypsy x

[josh0745]

What you're going through is major, sending your anxiety sky rocketing. When this happens to me, all the small things get to me too so it makes sense. We are pulling for you here, I hope you find some solace.

Josh

[aml0017]

I put Lola to sleep yesterday morning. It was distressing but just in time, as she was starting to get fluid in her lungs and having a hard time breathing. As with her illness and decline, I was strangely calm and numb through it all, I was fully mentally prepared for her death. Don't get me wrong, I was sad, I cried from time to time. However, it was nothing like the overwhelming anxiety I experience over nothing at all. I just put one foot in front of the other and took care of her. Other than a brief moment of anxiety and indecision on Tuesday morning when she seemed like her old self all of sudden for about 3 or 4 hours. She walked around, ate her food, wagged her tail and followed me around. I thought there was no way I could put her down! I truly believe she was saying goodbye to me at that moment, reminding me of the happy times we shared, saying "remember me like I was, not as I am now". Soon after, her condition started to severely decline overnight. I stayed with her until the very end and then went home.....

I thought I was mentally prepared for her death, and I was really. However, I am quickly realizing I am not prepared for my life after her death, life without her. I am realizing how much of my daily life was revolved around taking care of her, walks and feedings etc. She was my constant companion and the house just feels empty and quiet without her. I live alone, only me and the cat left. The cat was with her his whole life and now he seems to notice she is gone. He follows me around and meows, which he never did before. Everything just feels wrong in my life. I am going along in a daze. It is still not anxiety, no constant thoughts, I can even forget for long periods. It feels more like depression at times. I know it is just grief and it will get better with time but right now it is just so hard. I haven't picked up any of her things yet, I need to give away her food soon before it goes bad. It will be a process...I just hope my anxiety doesn't get in the way of it.

I am at work now, but I am already dreading the weekend. I always had a hard time on weekends when I was anxious/depressed but she was always by my side. Now I will just be in the house alone thinking about her. I will try to get out of the house to distract myself but it is still hard.

[josh0745]

I can relate to the weekend anxiety thing, it is my worst time. Take your time with yourself to grieve, get out around friends that support you most if you can, loss is so hard.

Josh

[aml0017]

Thanks, Josh! I do hate the weekend anxiety. It becomes a vicious cycle because even if you are not too anxious during the week, you start anticipating that you will be anxious, and so you are....and so on and on. It's hard to break those habits sometimes. I do try to get out and not isolate myself, but I am an introvert and a homebody. Sometimes I want to just veg out on the couch in my pajamas and watch movies without anxious thoughts intruding.