motojjp
02-26-2017, 04:39 PM
When I have bad anxiety, I try to keep it documented by writing down what's on my mind. This normally helps, as I don't always have someone to talk to, or someone that understands what I am going through. Even though I am new to this forum, I wanted to share one of these entries with you all, to gain your insight and to see if anyone else on here finds this helpful. Be gentle.
Sunday Feb 26 2017:
Began as the normal, not wanting to get out of bed. The promise of my Sunday routine is what finally motivated me. I drove to obtain some items from my parents’ house and then proceeded to the grocery store, as my norm. Pushing the cart through the store made my mind wander again. Why is it that I am so lonely and unhappy at times? I made it through the store and came home and opted to relax on the couch with my dog. My plan was to watch the race (NASCAR). The race didn’t start until after 2pm, unannounced to me. I’m sick of being alone, sitting here weekend after weekend with nothing to do. Getting up and going out to do things sounds easy but it is not. You need motivation to do that. A person with social anxiety cannot easily get out to the gym when he is afraid of crowds. I try to plan activities that won’t spike my anxiety more. But today, as yesterday there was none. I watched the race and looked online to meet new girls, as I am desperate to meet someone to talk to, laugh with and have sex with. While the thought of another relationship deep down scares me…..hmmm…..What to do? The afternoon grew on and the race continued. Not only the one on TV but also the one in my head. I tried mixing myself a drink, even though I know this is not a good option. The only other being medication, which I don’t want to take this early in the afternoon. It wasn’t much longer until it all caught up with me. As usual, it was the minor thing that put me over the edge…..the dog wanted to get off the couch again. I lost it, I screamed loud, yelling “WHY?!” over and over again. I felt anger, and rage, towards my mind, why do I let it get this far? That’s when it happened, I broke down, and broke down good. I cried and cried for 15 minutes. I would probably still be crying if I did not force myself to lay down and try to meditate. I listened to some guided meditation for about 15 minutes, then relaxed on my own record for another 30. Do I feel better? Yes I do, but will it last? As I sit here and type this, I almost feel like it is still in the back of my mind, just waiting. I need to remove it forever, but not sure how. This was my Sunday.
Sunday Feb 26 2017:
Began as the normal, not wanting to get out of bed. The promise of my Sunday routine is what finally motivated me. I drove to obtain some items from my parents’ house and then proceeded to the grocery store, as my norm. Pushing the cart through the store made my mind wander again. Why is it that I am so lonely and unhappy at times? I made it through the store and came home and opted to relax on the couch with my dog. My plan was to watch the race (NASCAR). The race didn’t start until after 2pm, unannounced to me. I’m sick of being alone, sitting here weekend after weekend with nothing to do. Getting up and going out to do things sounds easy but it is not. You need motivation to do that. A person with social anxiety cannot easily get out to the gym when he is afraid of crowds. I try to plan activities that won’t spike my anxiety more. But today, as yesterday there was none. I watched the race and looked online to meet new girls, as I am desperate to meet someone to talk to, laugh with and have sex with. While the thought of another relationship deep down scares me…..hmmm…..What to do? The afternoon grew on and the race continued. Not only the one on TV but also the one in my head. I tried mixing myself a drink, even though I know this is not a good option. The only other being medication, which I don’t want to take this early in the afternoon. It wasn’t much longer until it all caught up with me. As usual, it was the minor thing that put me over the edge…..the dog wanted to get off the couch again. I lost it, I screamed loud, yelling “WHY?!” over and over again. I felt anger, and rage, towards my mind, why do I let it get this far? That’s when it happened, I broke down, and broke down good. I cried and cried for 15 minutes. I would probably still be crying if I did not force myself to lay down and try to meditate. I listened to some guided meditation for about 15 minutes, then relaxed on my own record for another 30. Do I feel better? Yes I do, but will it last? As I sit here and type this, I almost feel like it is still in the back of my mind, just waiting. I need to remove it forever, but not sure how. This was my Sunday.