getbetterman
02-17-2017, 09:43 AM
It might seem almost unfathomable that someone might not recognize what they’re feeling. But the phenomenon is much more common than most people realize. This post will suggest no fewer than 6 causes to clarify why individuals can remain in the dark about what’s going on with them emotionally.
The one safe generalization that can be made about all emotions is that they don’t start out as feelings at all but as physiological sensations. So even when a person can’t comprehend their feeling experience, they’re typically aware of what’s happening to them physically. And this is true even when what they’re feeling is a “blank”—a strange numbness within them. For these “non-feeling,” dissociative experiences also warrant being understood emotionally.
So, standing “stone cold” with expressionless eyes peering at a deceased relative in an open casket, apparently devoid of emotion, still represents (however ironically) a state of feeling. Moreover, apathy may literally mean “without feeling”—yet, unquestionably, we’ve all experienced this curious “feelingless feeling” at some point in our lives.
Now let’s take a closer look at why certain feelings can be difficult, or even impossible, to discern:
1. The feeling hasn’t yet crystallized. In these instances, you’re just beginning to feel something but it hasn’t yet come into focus. So it’s not yet identifiable. You may feel something in your body—say, your throat or shoulders tightening, a vague sensation in the pit of your stomach, a trembling in your limbs, an accelerated heart beat. But in the moment you’ve yet to connect such physical activation to what provoked it.
2. You’re experiencing more than a single feeling, and they’re oddly “fused.” Here you’re beset by two (or even more!) emotions at once, and it may feel confusing for you can’t separate or distinguish between them. I’ve actually written two earlier posts on this subject: “Angry Tears” describes being enraged and, simultaneously, extremely hurt by some keenly felt injustice. One emotion signifies a disturbing sense of unfairness about the provocation, the other a sense of helplessness or dejection in reaction to it. Consequently, your face (and most likely other parts of your body too) registers both emotions.
3. It’s a feeling—or amalgam of feelings—that can’t be identified because the English language has no name for it. The “what’s-this-feeling?” phenomenon is somewhat new to the literature on emotions, but it’s become increasingly widespread. Consider these representative titles (and there are several others):
“10 Extremely Precise Words for Emotions You Didn’t Even Know You Had” (Melissa Dahl, June 15, 2016);
“21 Emotions for Which There Are No English Words” (Emily Elert, Jan. 4, 2013);
“40 Words for Emotions You’ve Felt, But Couldn’t Explain” (Brianna Wiest, Feb., 16, 2016); and
“23 New Words for Emotions That We All Feel, but Can’t Explain” (Justin Gammill, June 7, 2015.
4. You’ve never had this feeling before. Children often can’t recognize what they’re feeling because they’ve not yet reached a level of development where they can transcribe their physical sensations into understandable feeling names.
Consider this poignant description of anxiety arousal in an eight-year-old:
It’s 8AM and my heart’s racing. It’s that terrible, full-body sort of beat that makes your whole body shake and occasionally flutter from time to time from over-stimulation. For a second it almost feels like excitement, until the belly flips start, my face heats up, and my neck starts to hurt and I feel a little dizzy. My breathing’s heavy and my palms and scalp are starting to sweat for reasons unbeknownst to me.
5. You’re experiencing dissociation: a total detachment from your feelings. When you effectively disengage from a feeling, you’re “dead” to it. Of all of Freud’s many defense mechanisms, dissociation is one of the most primitive. That’s why it typically originates in childhood. Not yet having developed the emotional resources to successfully cope with perceived threats, children are all too easily overwhelmed by external circumstances.
6. The feeling has been internally censored: Even when you try to access it, you draw a blank. It’s not hard to imagine why many of us learn to “blacklist” certain feelings. If, for example, you grew up in a home where expressions of anger were forbidden and losing your temper could lead to substantial punishment, you learned—almost at a cellular level—that any outward displays of antagonism could threaten your all-important parental bond.
The one safe generalization that can be made about all emotions is that they don’t start out as feelings at all but as physiological sensations. So even when a person can’t comprehend their feeling experience, they’re typically aware of what’s happening to them physically. And this is true even when what they’re feeling is a “blank”—a strange numbness within them. For these “non-feeling,” dissociative experiences also warrant being understood emotionally.
So, standing “stone cold” with expressionless eyes peering at a deceased relative in an open casket, apparently devoid of emotion, still represents (however ironically) a state of feeling. Moreover, apathy may literally mean “without feeling”—yet, unquestionably, we’ve all experienced this curious “feelingless feeling” at some point in our lives.
Now let’s take a closer look at why certain feelings can be difficult, or even impossible, to discern:
1. The feeling hasn’t yet crystallized. In these instances, you’re just beginning to feel something but it hasn’t yet come into focus. So it’s not yet identifiable. You may feel something in your body—say, your throat or shoulders tightening, a vague sensation in the pit of your stomach, a trembling in your limbs, an accelerated heart beat. But in the moment you’ve yet to connect such physical activation to what provoked it.
2. You’re experiencing more than a single feeling, and they’re oddly “fused.” Here you’re beset by two (or even more!) emotions at once, and it may feel confusing for you can’t separate or distinguish between them. I’ve actually written two earlier posts on this subject: “Angry Tears” describes being enraged and, simultaneously, extremely hurt by some keenly felt injustice. One emotion signifies a disturbing sense of unfairness about the provocation, the other a sense of helplessness or dejection in reaction to it. Consequently, your face (and most likely other parts of your body too) registers both emotions.
3. It’s a feeling—or amalgam of feelings—that can’t be identified because the English language has no name for it. The “what’s-this-feeling?” phenomenon is somewhat new to the literature on emotions, but it’s become increasingly widespread. Consider these representative titles (and there are several others):
“10 Extremely Precise Words for Emotions You Didn’t Even Know You Had” (Melissa Dahl, June 15, 2016);
“21 Emotions for Which There Are No English Words” (Emily Elert, Jan. 4, 2013);
“40 Words for Emotions You’ve Felt, But Couldn’t Explain” (Brianna Wiest, Feb., 16, 2016); and
“23 New Words for Emotions That We All Feel, but Can’t Explain” (Justin Gammill, June 7, 2015.
4. You’ve never had this feeling before. Children often can’t recognize what they’re feeling because they’ve not yet reached a level of development where they can transcribe their physical sensations into understandable feeling names.
Consider this poignant description of anxiety arousal in an eight-year-old:
It’s 8AM and my heart’s racing. It’s that terrible, full-body sort of beat that makes your whole body shake and occasionally flutter from time to time from over-stimulation. For a second it almost feels like excitement, until the belly flips start, my face heats up, and my neck starts to hurt and I feel a little dizzy. My breathing’s heavy and my palms and scalp are starting to sweat for reasons unbeknownst to me.
5. You’re experiencing dissociation: a total detachment from your feelings. When you effectively disengage from a feeling, you’re “dead” to it. Of all of Freud’s many defense mechanisms, dissociation is one of the most primitive. That’s why it typically originates in childhood. Not yet having developed the emotional resources to successfully cope with perceived threats, children are all too easily overwhelmed by external circumstances.
6. The feeling has been internally censored: Even when you try to access it, you draw a blank. It’s not hard to imagine why many of us learn to “blacklist” certain feelings. If, for example, you grew up in a home where expressions of anger were forbidden and losing your temper could lead to substantial punishment, you learned—almost at a cellular level—that any outward displays of antagonism could threaten your all-important parental bond.