Fear of losing it/going crazy?

[tiredoffeelinganxious]

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum but NOT to anxiety and depression. I've suffered with it on and off for years. The past month or so its been really bad, maybe the worst it's ever been. Just a quick history: I have GAD, with maybe a little OCD (more obsessive thoughts). Lately my biggest fear is that I'm going to go crazy, either hurting someone else or myself. I'm afraid I'm going to have to be institutionalized, or have my kids taken from me because I can't take care of them. Most people who know me would NEVER think I am an anxious person. I'm very social, happy, etc. But lately I'm really struggling on the inside. I just feel like everyone is so normal and I'm not. I have taken 20 mg of lexapro for a long time, my general dr added wellbutrin which made me a million times more anxious so I stopped, now I'm on 30 mg of lexapro, eventually 40 mg, of lexapro after I saw a psychiatrist. I'm doing CBT and its helping a little bit. I guess I"m just wondering if anyone else feels like they're going to go crazy and do something nuts? I don't think I ever would, but then my anxiety creeps in like, what if?....I never really had these thoughts until a month or so ago, other than the random crazy thought. But now they are bothering me almost constantly. Also, I have these weird feelings sometimes like I can't believe I'm a person and I exist? How nuts is that? Not like depersonalization, at least I don't think so?

Has anyone with anxiety ever gone off the deep end and hurt themselves or someone else? I'm so worried about this.


Thanks everyone!

[gypsylee]

Hi and welcome :)

I see this question so often here.. I used to have the same fears but they've decreased with age (I'm 43). I've not only had GAD my whole life, I've been through some full-on withdrawals, and never lost the plot or hurt anyone/myself. The only times I've gone a bit crazy are when I've been drunk (I've stopped drinking now).

I've also lived with a schizophrenic and the illnesses are VERY different. Anxiety is more of a physical illness, in that the nervous system just gets really sensitised and that starts messing with your head. The mind/body connection isn't very well understood so this can be argued, but that's my theory (influenced by people like Claire Weekes). Anyway, this guy with schizophrenia was so different to me in terms of our illnesses and that was one thing that reassured me I wasn't going to go "crazy". I did have a nervous breakdown living with him though lol.

Cheers,
Gypsy x

[tiredoffeelinganxious]

thanks so much for your reply!

I am 39, so you would think I would understand I'm not going to go crazy. I don't even know what crazy means. I think it's just my worry that I'm going to hurt someone I care about or myself in a moment of insanity. I have such weird thoughts. I'll see someone running down the street and I think "What if I just swerved and hit him right now?" "What if I just punch this random person?" A really scary one the other day "What if I go crazy and go into my son's school and start shooting?" WTH? and on and on. The thing is, I"m not angry at all.

[NixonRulz]

Obtrusive thoughts are the most annoying, right? They scare the hell outta ya

Not because you want to do anything harmful to anyone but you fear that someday you may

Funny thing is crazy people don't think those thoughts are actually crazy..that's why us good ol anxious folks are the least likely group to do something as you state because we realize how wrong they are...we just fear them

Once I usbderstood that those stupid ass batshit crazy thoughts were completely normal when you are anxious, they stopped scaring me until they stopped altogether

You're good.....just like the rest of us

[gypsylee]

thanks so much for your reply!

I am 39, so you would think I would understand I'm not going to go crazy. I don't even know what crazy means. I think it's just my worry that I'm going to hurt someone I care about or myself in a moment of insanity. I have such weird thoughts. I'll see someone running down the street and I think "What if I just swerved and hit him right now?" "What if I just punch this random person?" A really scary one the other day "What if I go crazy and go into my son's school and start shooting?" WTH? and on and on. The thing is, I"m not angry at all.

LOL@"What if I just swerved and hit him right now?" I've been at a school crossing with like 20 kids walking past.. I'd just been at the hospital seeing my mum when she was sick so I was really stressed and I was terrified I'd just hit the accelerator and plough into those kids! I'm also glad we have strict gun laws because I get so angry sometimes I think if I had guns I'd kill people.

Nixon's right though.. We're actually the least likely to do those things. Anxious people just torment themselves!

Edit: I just remembered a great quote on this from The DARE Response by Barry McDonagh. He said these intrusive "what ifs?" are a combination of a vivid imagination and too many stress hormones.

:)

[salvator here]

Agree 100% with NixonRulz and Gypsy!

If I'm being honest here, I've always known that I could never ever have a gun in my possession. I will admit though, I do get VERY angry at other people and the rage builds and builds inside sometimes and my blood boils until my stomach burns. All I've done is hurt myself. But to tell you the truth, had I had a gun during some of my darkest days, honestly, I don't think I would be here.

[gypsylee]

Same here, Salvator.. Especially combined with alcohol :eek: