salvator here
02-06-2017, 10:00 AM
Alrighty!!
So, here I go again LOL
As I've said in another thread, I pretty much figured I was going to leave here for good which I stated (more like a meltdown) in my last thread. I recon it was because of the tension taking place here as of late and it just caught me at a fragile time that evening, everything was getting to me that night; sadly. I've read some rather colorful postings here, so I think I'm entitled to that meltdown (not my first and likely won't be my last).
Only 3 days at a heavily moderated forum made me appreciate this place even more more and I was promptly on their sh!t list HA :)
This is my thread and again, I don't expect replies at all, however they are always appreciated, even just to say hello now and again. Sometimes the loneliness is mind crushing to me. I'll use it to unload and put my thoughts into words (sometimes ramble), because it really helps me to do this. I can't really do this on the other forums I'm on because: 1) one is a computer tech forum and although there is a lounge and people do bitch and complain, I can't go full-on-drama and expect to not be viewed as a total nut. 2) The LGBT forum I'm on is a bit too heavy and other people are in serious crisis (many suicidal teens) and I don't like to take support when others need it much more that I, so I'll do this here at AF.
I'm a 43yo grown man and should have it together by now...but sometimes I wonder to myself. I'll turn 44 this year and I was so hoping to be in a better place by now. I DON'T feel too old, but the clock is ticking and time is not my friend. I'm impatient and want instant change. I feel soooo withdrawn from society hence the thread title. I feel like a vampire sometimes and feel strange being out during the day. I'm not sure how to change this. I was (falsely) thinking I would see a quick change after the 2 hospitalizations, but, I feel I'm back at square 1 now. That being said, I have not touched even a drop of alcohol since I was discharged and it feels sometime surreal to me. I feel physically healthy and mentally more in par, so this is good and a great start. I've lost weight and seem to be maintaining at 160-163 pounds. I'm not muscular and would/could be quite skinny without all this extra flab around the stomach and love handles (I'm not a big boned guy at all). I feel much better in my own skin again and am eating much healthier and regularly now since eating 3 meals at the hospital. I've decided to keep it private -- the reason(s) I was hospitalized even thought I said I would go into detail in another thread. I guess I just want to put it behind me and refer to it as a learning experience and a time of great self reflection(s). I'm still struggling with mental health issues though (some diagnosed - others undiagnosed) and doing my best to accept these and not to be so harsh on myself. Upon discharge, it was recommended to follow up with my doctor and to seek therapy again to work on my anxiety and social phobia. I just can't do groups again; never EVER!! I came close while inpatient to being forced on psych meds again, but luckily they did not push it when I voiced my concerns and displeasure. I don't push my views on others and if meds help others lead a better quality of life, I'm all for it! It's just not the direction I want to head down going forward. Again, this is a personal decision and my choice for me.
Well, that's enough scattered thoughts for now I guess.
Today started out good and I plan to stay up and try to go out even for a short walk to get coffee and enjoy some fresh air. I feel optimistic and hopeful so why fight it and over-think it, rather than just enjoy the refreshing change :)
So, here I go again LOL
As I've said in another thread, I pretty much figured I was going to leave here for good which I stated (more like a meltdown) in my last thread. I recon it was because of the tension taking place here as of late and it just caught me at a fragile time that evening, everything was getting to me that night; sadly. I've read some rather colorful postings here, so I think I'm entitled to that meltdown (not my first and likely won't be my last).
Only 3 days at a heavily moderated forum made me appreciate this place even more more and I was promptly on their sh!t list HA :)
This is my thread and again, I don't expect replies at all, however they are always appreciated, even just to say hello now and again. Sometimes the loneliness is mind crushing to me. I'll use it to unload and put my thoughts into words (sometimes ramble), because it really helps me to do this. I can't really do this on the other forums I'm on because: 1) one is a computer tech forum and although there is a lounge and people do bitch and complain, I can't go full-on-drama and expect to not be viewed as a total nut. 2) The LGBT forum I'm on is a bit too heavy and other people are in serious crisis (many suicidal teens) and I don't like to take support when others need it much more that I, so I'll do this here at AF.
I'm a 43yo grown man and should have it together by now...but sometimes I wonder to myself. I'll turn 44 this year and I was so hoping to be in a better place by now. I DON'T feel too old, but the clock is ticking and time is not my friend. I'm impatient and want instant change. I feel soooo withdrawn from society hence the thread title. I feel like a vampire sometimes and feel strange being out during the day. I'm not sure how to change this. I was (falsely) thinking I would see a quick change after the 2 hospitalizations, but, I feel I'm back at square 1 now. That being said, I have not touched even a drop of alcohol since I was discharged and it feels sometime surreal to me. I feel physically healthy and mentally more in par, so this is good and a great start. I've lost weight and seem to be maintaining at 160-163 pounds. I'm not muscular and would/could be quite skinny without all this extra flab around the stomach and love handles (I'm not a big boned guy at all). I feel much better in my own skin again and am eating much healthier and regularly now since eating 3 meals at the hospital. I've decided to keep it private -- the reason(s) I was hospitalized even thought I said I would go into detail in another thread. I guess I just want to put it behind me and refer to it as a learning experience and a time of great self reflection(s). I'm still struggling with mental health issues though (some diagnosed - others undiagnosed) and doing my best to accept these and not to be so harsh on myself. Upon discharge, it was recommended to follow up with my doctor and to seek therapy again to work on my anxiety and social phobia. I just can't do groups again; never EVER!! I came close while inpatient to being forced on psych meds again, but luckily they did not push it when I voiced my concerns and displeasure. I don't push my views on others and if meds help others lead a better quality of life, I'm all for it! It's just not the direction I want to head down going forward. Again, this is a personal decision and my choice for me.
Well, that's enough scattered thoughts for now I guess.
Today started out good and I plan to stay up and try to go out even for a short walk to get coffee and enjoy some fresh air. I feel optimistic and hopeful so why fight it and over-think it, rather than just enjoy the refreshing change :)