My little sister is afraid of me

[DizzyPixie]

What the title says. I have a sister, 12 years younger than me. She's 9, I'm 21. Overall, I think we have a good relationship. She's cute and everything, I like it when we do things together and usually she's excited when I come to our mom's place to eat or spend the night (we live in the same city, different apartments). But one day 3-4 years ago she told me she's afraid of me, and yesterday she had left her notebook open and she was writing "why am I afraid of my sister?". She didn't elaborate.

Ok, sometimes I scold her, when she does annoying things, and then she is instantly sulking for hours. I can't tell her to not roll around her seat all the time in the bus, or not put her fingers in the cake before I serve it, she gets upset and afraid. And it makes me very sad and guilty that she's afraid of me because I love her. The first time she told me, I replied that she was being a coward because I'm not being that strict on her, and that she will meet people out there who truly are mean and she needs to stop being afraid and start getting angry, when she feels injustice, and when she left I cried a lot. I think she's hyper-sensitive because my parents always say "oh she's a child, that's what children do" and they spoil her, so I get to be the "bad nanny" who makes her eat her salad. I know I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what else to do. Let her do whatever she wants, because, after all, she's not my daughter? I don't want to ever have children, I'll be a terrible mother. I don't understand them. And yes, I was a child not long ago, but even then, I didn't like other kids.

It's strange to have such an age gap with your siblings, I think. I grew up with a brother (who died when we were about 10) and we had the common brother-sister relationship, playing, arguing, planning mischief etc. To my sister, I'm supposed to be a sister of course, but also to help raise her, inevitably. I babysit, I give advice, I help with her homework, I accompany her on trips, look after her when she's sick... I feel I have a responsibility. And I'm afraid I'm doing it wrong, I'm being a bad big sister. I didn't expect it to be that difficult.

[BrilliantSide]

The first time she told me, I replied that she was being a coward because I'm not being that strict on her, and that she will meet people out there who truly are mean and she needs to stop being afraid and start getting angry, when she feels injustice, and when she left I cried a lot.

Wow, that probably didn't help the situation. I know you think you were trying to make her stronger, but you basically invalidated her feelings and told her she was wrong for how she felt towards you. I can understand why that made her cry because she was trying to open up and repair the relationship in whatever way her young mind could comprehend.

I wonder if you try to be more strict with her because you view her parents as being too lenient?

I think the problem is not why she views you as scary, but why you think you need to try and change her? You might say, "Well if I don't prepare her for the real world then who will! It's a tough out there."

There is no amount of preparation that will help a person grow up. What you are doing now is ruining your relationship with her, which means she will not come to you if she really does need help.

Think about your own experience. When you have needed help, do you go to the person who is strict with you or the person who has been nice?

[DizzyPixie]

Wow, that probably didn't help the situation. I know you think you were trying to make her stronger, but you basically invalidated her feelings and told her she was wrong for how she felt towards you. I can understand why that made her cry because she was trying to open up and repair the relationship in whatever way her young mind could comprehend.

I cried afterwards, not she. I was helping her with her homework and she didn't focus, I told her many times, and then I repeated it in a more strict tone. I didn't do anything extreme. I didn't call her names or beat her or anything. I get that she might have felt upset, but afraid? I know I invalidated her feelings but I didn't know what else to say. I didn't want to validate them either, because I thought that this was going to perpetuate her hypersensitivity. After that we continued the lesson like nothing had happened, then she left, and I felt like a monster.


I wonder if you try to be more strict with her because you view her parents as being too lenient?

No, I don't do it for that reason, but I think that's the reason why she gets upset when I do it. Like, when she was 5 or 6, our mother would let her sit right in front of the TV while eating, but when I stayed with her, I told her to eat together at the table. So I was the bad guy. But I'm not the one responsible for her, so maybe I should just let her do whatever my parents let her do. She'll be spoiled but happy, as long as nobody ever raises their voice to her. I don't know, it's weird, because we're sisters, but I'm so much older that I end up helping quite a lot and I'm afraid I'll have a negative impact in her, either by being too strict or too lenient. I didn't expect it to be so tricky. We've had our good moments too, like when we watched Frozen at the cinema and hugged during the last scene, or when I used to tell her fairytales to sleep, or when we were singing in the bus, or just every time I go to see her, we play board games and she tells me the gossip of her class etc, don't think the situation is always so bad. But I'm worried, because there surely is a problem and I have no clue what to do.


I think the problem is not why she views you as scary, but why you think you need to try and change her? You might say, "Well if I don't prepare her for the real world then who will! It's a tough out there."

There is no amount of preparation that will help a person grow up. What you are doing now is ruining your relationship with her, which means she will not come to you if she really does need help.

Think about your own experience. When you have needed help, do you go to the person who is strict with you or the person who has been nice?

So what? Should I redeem her liking by doing whatever she wants?
When I have needed help I would go to people that cared about me, not people who always told me I what I wanted to hear.
And I think people learn many coping skills for the world from their families, as well as how to behave, what's right and wrong etc.

[Kirk]

I would not be too hard on yourself as with such a big age gap, disagreements are bound to happen.

[BrilliantSide]

DizziePixie,

I agree with a lot of the things you said, such as people learning coping skills and how to behave from their families. I apologize if you felt attacked in anyway from my comment, I don't know the entire situation, only what you have written.

I'll go back to what you first said, that you found a notebook at your sister wrote, "Why am I afraid of my sister?"

It sounds like she doesn't know either. Maybe it would be worth talking to her about it? I know she is young, but children can be surprisingly open and honest when treated like adults.

What do you think of that idea?