RunningForHisGlory
01-01-2017, 08:52 PM
Hi there,
I'm a recent college graduate and first year teacher. I've suffered from anxiety for my entire life and have been seeing my current psychiatrist for almost a year. I have an appointment to see my new therapist for a 6th session, which I'm stoked about because those are both records for me! I'm a bit cynical about seeing therapists, because you really do need to find the right one, and I (think) I finally have. I'm extremely self aware. I know my triggers, I know my issues, I know the underlying issues of my anxiety, I remember my first panic attack when I was 10, I remember being an anxious hot mess and not wanting to be around my friends during my Barney birthday party when I was 3 (yeah I know, oddly specific). So it's pretty discouraging when I go to a new therapist and they stay in shallow waters for several sessions trying to ask me probing questions in order to help me "understand myself". I totally get why therapists do that. It's so important, and there are so many people who don't understand the roots of their problems. And that might be the right person to go to for those people.
Unfortunately, anxiety is engrained into my being. I honestly don't understand how to live life with a different mindset. Like I can't even remotely comprehend it.
I'm currently on Wellbutrin and Klonopin, and the combination worked like a charm for a while. I worked as an administrator at a summer camp over the summer, and it was a very high stress and lonely position. And honestly, it felt magical. For the first time in my life I was able to somewhat consistently cope with multiple stressful situations in a rational way. I could actually think about anxiety and reflect on it without it giving me more anxiety. I was SO stressed and worried all the time but had an overwhelming sense on peace because of the tiny little breakthrough with my anxiety that others couldn't see. But that was more than enough for me.
I began teaching and coaching full time in August, and it has all gone downhill from there. It's scary because I don't know if it's just the wrong field for me or if I would be in the same situation, regardless of profession. I graduated in May, moved back home with my parents, went straight into Dual Enrollment training, then to my summer job, and then into work. I have had multiple HUGE life adjustments with absolutely no transition period. I went out of state for school and have barely any friends in Louisiana now. I have no colleagues that I identify with. I went to the same church for years and was highly involved with three campus ministries, and was a leader in two. I ran track and cross country and travelled the country, experiencing devastating losses and incredible victories with my team. I was the token female in the chess club, went on athletic and spiritual retreats and math conferences, raced in blizzards, and drew fractal trees on the board in the mathematics tutoring center when I was bored. I was just straight up involved and had things to do and look forward to, even when I was emotional and didn't want to be around people. I went anyway. Sometimes. At least the opportunities were there, ya know?
I say all this, not to toot my own horn or anything. I have severe anxiety. I have been going out of my way to do be involved in things I like, even when it sometimes lead to crippling anxiety. Because you know what? If I avoid doing things that give me anxiety, I'd probably lay in bed every day (not that I didn't do that sometimes anyway). Heck, I majored in math, and even that gave me anxiety on so many different levels. But I was in college for 5 years and learned how to cope and developed a bearable lifestyle. I went through so many dark phases, but the wonderful thing was that since I forced myself to get involved, I had several different support systems that were oh so reliable. Even during times like when I stepped off the track during a workout and ended up sitting on the bathroom floor hyperventilating in the arms of a teammate for an hour. That was fun explaining to my coach, by the way.
Sorry if I'm chasing rabbits, but my lifestyle changed so drastically when I moved into teaching, and it's been devastating for me that it has affected my anxiety so significantly. Over the years, I've taken 3 steps forward, two steps back so much with my anxiety battle, but the pain has always been worth it in the end when I finally took a few more steps forward. Before thanksgiving, I felt like my Wellbutrin wasn't actually doing anything, so I doubled the dose (yeah, I know, dumb call). I was just that desperate to feel something. Or to not feel something. Well after a few days of that not working, I decided to go for a run at a local abandoned golf course where no one was around. I have no idea at what point I began hallucinating, but it was seriously the trippiest run I have EVER been on. I'm very familiar with the paths, but on this particular day, my mind invented paths, hills and houses that didn't exist, the clubhouse (near the parking lot) appeared and disappeared as pleased, my phone screen kept magically changing, etc. I've never hallucinated before and have no medical inclination towards it, and I've never done any drugs. So I was absolutely broken and depressed for days and so desperately wanted to cry and sleep and quit me job. I've NEVER had that sort of experience, and it scares me that I could be so desperate to escape anxiety that I could somewhat unintentionally overdose on my meds.
My psychiatrist had been trying to get me to go to a therapist since February, and a week after Thanksgiving, I finally went to my first session. I know this thing doesn't magically work over night, but I'm hopeful and encouraged that I'm actually going (and elated that my insurance fully covers it hehe). But the future is scary and my outlook goes from excited to bleak in an instant. I want nothing more than to be a successful and independent young professional.
I'm not overly interested in discussing medications (or at least, I'm not interested in recommendations), because everyone has different body chemistry. But are any other young twenty somethings having a difficult transition into the professional world? Or does anyone older have similar experiences from when they were younger? My work is my life, and even if I have time to do something interesting, I sit at home with crippling anxiety because I'm can't let myself have fun when there is work to be done. It's dumb and equally unproductive and I've rather go out and get a daquiri or something. I've had all the preparation for post-undergrad life possible, yet life is still hitting me hard like a muggle trying to go through platform 9 3/4.
I'm a recent college graduate and first year teacher. I've suffered from anxiety for my entire life and have been seeing my current psychiatrist for almost a year. I have an appointment to see my new therapist for a 6th session, which I'm stoked about because those are both records for me! I'm a bit cynical about seeing therapists, because you really do need to find the right one, and I (think) I finally have. I'm extremely self aware. I know my triggers, I know my issues, I know the underlying issues of my anxiety, I remember my first panic attack when I was 10, I remember being an anxious hot mess and not wanting to be around my friends during my Barney birthday party when I was 3 (yeah I know, oddly specific). So it's pretty discouraging when I go to a new therapist and they stay in shallow waters for several sessions trying to ask me probing questions in order to help me "understand myself". I totally get why therapists do that. It's so important, and there are so many people who don't understand the roots of their problems. And that might be the right person to go to for those people.
Unfortunately, anxiety is engrained into my being. I honestly don't understand how to live life with a different mindset. Like I can't even remotely comprehend it.
I'm currently on Wellbutrin and Klonopin, and the combination worked like a charm for a while. I worked as an administrator at a summer camp over the summer, and it was a very high stress and lonely position. And honestly, it felt magical. For the first time in my life I was able to somewhat consistently cope with multiple stressful situations in a rational way. I could actually think about anxiety and reflect on it without it giving me more anxiety. I was SO stressed and worried all the time but had an overwhelming sense on peace because of the tiny little breakthrough with my anxiety that others couldn't see. But that was more than enough for me.
I began teaching and coaching full time in August, and it has all gone downhill from there. It's scary because I don't know if it's just the wrong field for me or if I would be in the same situation, regardless of profession. I graduated in May, moved back home with my parents, went straight into Dual Enrollment training, then to my summer job, and then into work. I have had multiple HUGE life adjustments with absolutely no transition period. I went out of state for school and have barely any friends in Louisiana now. I have no colleagues that I identify with. I went to the same church for years and was highly involved with three campus ministries, and was a leader in two. I ran track and cross country and travelled the country, experiencing devastating losses and incredible victories with my team. I was the token female in the chess club, went on athletic and spiritual retreats and math conferences, raced in blizzards, and drew fractal trees on the board in the mathematics tutoring center when I was bored. I was just straight up involved and had things to do and look forward to, even when I was emotional and didn't want to be around people. I went anyway. Sometimes. At least the opportunities were there, ya know?
I say all this, not to toot my own horn or anything. I have severe anxiety. I have been going out of my way to do be involved in things I like, even when it sometimes lead to crippling anxiety. Because you know what? If I avoid doing things that give me anxiety, I'd probably lay in bed every day (not that I didn't do that sometimes anyway). Heck, I majored in math, and even that gave me anxiety on so many different levels. But I was in college for 5 years and learned how to cope and developed a bearable lifestyle. I went through so many dark phases, but the wonderful thing was that since I forced myself to get involved, I had several different support systems that were oh so reliable. Even during times like when I stepped off the track during a workout and ended up sitting on the bathroom floor hyperventilating in the arms of a teammate for an hour. That was fun explaining to my coach, by the way.
Sorry if I'm chasing rabbits, but my lifestyle changed so drastically when I moved into teaching, and it's been devastating for me that it has affected my anxiety so significantly. Over the years, I've taken 3 steps forward, two steps back so much with my anxiety battle, but the pain has always been worth it in the end when I finally took a few more steps forward. Before thanksgiving, I felt like my Wellbutrin wasn't actually doing anything, so I doubled the dose (yeah, I know, dumb call). I was just that desperate to feel something. Or to not feel something. Well after a few days of that not working, I decided to go for a run at a local abandoned golf course where no one was around. I have no idea at what point I began hallucinating, but it was seriously the trippiest run I have EVER been on. I'm very familiar with the paths, but on this particular day, my mind invented paths, hills and houses that didn't exist, the clubhouse (near the parking lot) appeared and disappeared as pleased, my phone screen kept magically changing, etc. I've never hallucinated before and have no medical inclination towards it, and I've never done any drugs. So I was absolutely broken and depressed for days and so desperately wanted to cry and sleep and quit me job. I've NEVER had that sort of experience, and it scares me that I could be so desperate to escape anxiety that I could somewhat unintentionally overdose on my meds.
My psychiatrist had been trying to get me to go to a therapist since February, and a week after Thanksgiving, I finally went to my first session. I know this thing doesn't magically work over night, but I'm hopeful and encouraged that I'm actually going (and elated that my insurance fully covers it hehe). But the future is scary and my outlook goes from excited to bleak in an instant. I want nothing more than to be a successful and independent young professional.
I'm not overly interested in discussing medications (or at least, I'm not interested in recommendations), because everyone has different body chemistry. But are any other young twenty somethings having a difficult transition into the professional world? Or does anyone older have similar experiences from when they were younger? My work is my life, and even if I have time to do something interesting, I sit at home with crippling anxiety because I'm can't let myself have fun when there is work to be done. It's dumb and equally unproductive and I've rather go out and get a daquiri or something. I've had all the preparation for post-undergrad life possible, yet life is still hitting me hard like a muggle trying to go through platform 9 3/4.