Why is change so hard?

[aml0017]

Change is hard for me. I mean ANY little change, especially if it is a sudden change. Even if it is a positive change. The only change that doesn't stress me out is a planned change that I think through and plan for and choose. And even that will still cause some anxiety. It gets worse the more my anxiety increases. If it's really bad even changing where I'm sitting or what I'm wearing seems just wrong. I constantly lament that i am not living my life to the fullest, but everything I do is really with the goal to keep everything exactly the same as always. A losing game of course, everything changes anyway, but still I will fight it.

Maybe my brain no longer knows the difference between being anxious and being excited by something new. It's like I have to convince myself that something good is happening, or at least something not bad. I do believe that anxiety itself is just a chemical reaction but the way I respond to it ultimately brings in to play all the old wounds and low self worth etc. I hope I can learn to embrace change for once.

[metal4life]

Hi aml!

Im just the same as you i complain but dont change anything,
also cause i dont know what a normal life is anymore,
my current life style is now my rutine and
im scared to get cured cause i dont know how to socialice,
and i hate when a friend invites me and we do stuff he didnt told me about
bc im not ready...

well sometimes i dont even know..

[aml0017]

I understand about not feeling ready for anything. Even when something good is happening I'll think... Wait... I just need a little time to get used to this. Like how long is enough time to be ready? Life won't last forever.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you don't REALLY want to be cured. Same thing for me. I want my life to get better but only at a slow safe pace. Obviously life doesn't work that way, and before long feels like I've put off my whole life "until tomorrow".

[aml0017]

The change issue is really affecting me a lot right now. Mostly because after all my efforts I can feel my anxiety is changing too, it is starting to feel more like depression. It has happened to me before when I've had extended periods of constant anxiety.

I'm finding it harder and harder to leave my house or even my bed, to take care of my personal hygiene or housework. I've been crying a lot, mostly cause I just feel like such a loser. I feel like my dog even knows it, and feels it. She just lays next to me and never asks to play or go outside.

With anxiety, it sucks but l can still go on with my life, have moments of feeling OK. This is just oppression. It didn't help that I've been off work four days for the holiday. Too much time alone with my own mind without work to distract me. About to leave for work now... Hope it helps me to get out of my mind a bit.

[gypsylee]

Hey aml are you male or female? I've always assumed male but now I'm not sure because of the crying. Please don't get me wrong.. I think crying is extremely underrated as a therapeutic release (was at it myself before in fact) but yeah men just don't do it as much..

Take it easy,
Gypsy x

[aml0017]

Haha, I am a 36 yo woman. Maybe guys just don't admit to it as freely? Sometimes it seems the only way for your body to release some of the pressure. Last night I was crying so hard I almost made myself throw up. I just felt so low and worthless and then it occurred to me that everyone I know must see it too, it just was a crushing feeling. I felt so exhausted after I just fell asleep for 4 hrs straight so maybe it does have some benefit.

I'm at work now so feel a bit better. At least I'm not just sitting here constantly thinking about how crappy I feel. My current state is just a culmination of two months of constant anxiety, some sudden unforeseen changes, holidays and too much time off, a new year and my birthday, all coming down at once. My birthday was on January 1st by the way...so I think I do tend to sort of take stock of my life and it just feels like I am in the exact same place I was last year. I don't consciously think that way, but it is at the back of my mind.

[gypsylee]

Oh! Well it actually releases stress hormones like cortisol. I find the worst is when I can't even cry because I'm so anxious and/or depressed.

Wow, a birthday on New Year's Day would be hard but at least you get them both over with at once lol. That's good you feel a bit better at work.

[aml0017]

Well my week got worse, then better, then worse again now. I am feeling the anxiety of anticipating the weekend again. It will be a very cold freezing wintry weekend here so I anticipate being cooped up in my house all weekend. Last week was a long holiday weekend and it rained cats and dogs the whole time so I barely left the house. The anticipation of another such weekend is just making me feel so UGH! Good news is the depression feels to have lifted a bit, back to just plain old anxiety.

There was a time I would look forward to a weekend just being able to lounge about, read books and watch movies. However, alot of my anxiety in recent years has been triggered by my house (old house, disrepair, money issues, etc etc etc) so my house is no longer the safe haven it used to be for me, which sucks. My bedroom still feels like a pretty safe place to me thankfully but on a whole I feel better during the week having to go to work every day. Hopefully I'll get through ok and next weekend will be looking up.