tadamson99
12-21-2016, 03:46 AM
This is my first time on this forum.
I was led to come here because I feel I need serious help or I may end up hurting myself and driving away people who care about me.
I will try and make my story as short as possible.
I had anxiety problems from since I was in my last year of junior high. I remembered working at the summer youth program and suddenly feeling dizzy/light-headed. I thought it was the weather because it was hot outside. My grandmother and father took me to the hospital to get checked out. I remembered panicking because I've never been to the hospital before. Everything checked out fine, but I had to leave the job because of the experience I felt.
Fast forward to a few years later as a teenager, where I began worrying about death and what will happen to me. I was spoken to and told that I need to live and stop worrying about that. From then on, I tried to manage my anxiety and kept it under control until college.
That's when tragedy struck.
My mother found out that she had Stage IV cancer, mainly because she didn't go for regular checkups and she didn't take care of herself. She was overweight, had high cholesterol, etc. I watched, as she succumbed to the disease. I watched, as she took one terrible round of chemo after the next. I slept in my room next to hers, where I would hear her breathing funny, which indicated she was going soon. But despite what she was going through, my mom stayed optimistic and positive. When she died, I never had a chance to resolve things with her or tell her that I loved her, despite our strained relationship. I don't know if this guilt has hung over my head for years or what.
Then, I lost my father to a sudden aneurysm. I think that's what broke me.
I've had several problems in my childhood and growing up. I got in trouble a lot, had arguments with my grandmother which ended in me getting angry or ending up in tears. I was the cause of most of it, and I deeply regret it every day.
I'm sorry, there's just a lot I need to pour out and I don't know how to do it...
Just recently, about a year ago or so, I had a terrible sinus infection. That's when a severe case of anxiety took over. I started thinking the worst possible scenarios. I thought I had a brain tumor, I thought that something was wrong with my body, I felt I was separated from my body...I had every form of anxiety possible. My hands would shake, I would babble incessantly, I drove my uncle and grandmother crazy to the point my grandmother cried. There were threats of sending me away because I was depressing the entire house. It took me some time, but I recovered from the infection and my anxiety little by little.
Until now.
Recently, I had an ultrasound done on my breasts because of my mother's bout with cancer. I ended up getting so anxious about the results because I didn't know my results from last year. I'm reading the reports and they're benign, but this fear keeps gripping me...of if I'm going to end up like my mother. Even this year the report was benign because I called my doctor. But I keep getting this nagging fear that they missed something on the ultrasound, that the small cysts they found were complex cysts and that it's only a matter of time before they transform or something. I've been crying and stressing myself out. I've been driving my family crazy. My grandmother and uncle both had cancer and they keep telling me that I'm fine and I don't have cancer. But a part of me won't accept that. I keep thinking the worst case scenario, because of how late the doctors found my mother's cancer. My heart races, my head feels tight, my body feels tight, and one minute I would calm down, only to have another panic attack.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to end up on medication or be forced to be sent away. I'm consumed by anger, fear, depression and more fear.
Any thoughts...?
I was led to come here because I feel I need serious help or I may end up hurting myself and driving away people who care about me.
I will try and make my story as short as possible.
I had anxiety problems from since I was in my last year of junior high. I remembered working at the summer youth program and suddenly feeling dizzy/light-headed. I thought it was the weather because it was hot outside. My grandmother and father took me to the hospital to get checked out. I remembered panicking because I've never been to the hospital before. Everything checked out fine, but I had to leave the job because of the experience I felt.
Fast forward to a few years later as a teenager, where I began worrying about death and what will happen to me. I was spoken to and told that I need to live and stop worrying about that. From then on, I tried to manage my anxiety and kept it under control until college.
That's when tragedy struck.
My mother found out that she had Stage IV cancer, mainly because she didn't go for regular checkups and she didn't take care of herself. She was overweight, had high cholesterol, etc. I watched, as she succumbed to the disease. I watched, as she took one terrible round of chemo after the next. I slept in my room next to hers, where I would hear her breathing funny, which indicated she was going soon. But despite what she was going through, my mom stayed optimistic and positive. When she died, I never had a chance to resolve things with her or tell her that I loved her, despite our strained relationship. I don't know if this guilt has hung over my head for years or what.
Then, I lost my father to a sudden aneurysm. I think that's what broke me.
I've had several problems in my childhood and growing up. I got in trouble a lot, had arguments with my grandmother which ended in me getting angry or ending up in tears. I was the cause of most of it, and I deeply regret it every day.
I'm sorry, there's just a lot I need to pour out and I don't know how to do it...
Just recently, about a year ago or so, I had a terrible sinus infection. That's when a severe case of anxiety took over. I started thinking the worst possible scenarios. I thought I had a brain tumor, I thought that something was wrong with my body, I felt I was separated from my body...I had every form of anxiety possible. My hands would shake, I would babble incessantly, I drove my uncle and grandmother crazy to the point my grandmother cried. There were threats of sending me away because I was depressing the entire house. It took me some time, but I recovered from the infection and my anxiety little by little.
Until now.
Recently, I had an ultrasound done on my breasts because of my mother's bout with cancer. I ended up getting so anxious about the results because I didn't know my results from last year. I'm reading the reports and they're benign, but this fear keeps gripping me...of if I'm going to end up like my mother. Even this year the report was benign because I called my doctor. But I keep getting this nagging fear that they missed something on the ultrasound, that the small cysts they found were complex cysts and that it's only a matter of time before they transform or something. I've been crying and stressing myself out. I've been driving my family crazy. My grandmother and uncle both had cancer and they keep telling me that I'm fine and I don't have cancer. But a part of me won't accept that. I keep thinking the worst case scenario, because of how late the doctors found my mother's cancer. My heart races, my head feels tight, my body feels tight, and one minute I would calm down, only to have another panic attack.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to end up on medication or be forced to be sent away. I'm consumed by anger, fear, depression and more fear.
Any thoughts...?