Anxiety About My Relationship

[lolguy123]

First of all I want to say I've been having pretty bad anxiety these past few months and I've always overthought things.
It's gotten to the point where I started seeing a therapist because of how I felt about certain things. This past week, I've been overthinking and over-analyzing my relationship with my girlfriend. We've been with each other for over 3 years, I love her and she loves me. We've talked about getting married, having a family, etc. If I look in the future right now, I don't want to be with anyone but her. She completes me and I complete her. We're kind of at the point of where now we're just each other's best friends, partners, and obviously we're not at that point anymore where it's all "lovey dovey" stuff anymore. But that's never changed anything. Only up until this week have I started doubting my relationship and when I start thinking about something I instantly start overthinking and that's what's led me to feel like this. We tell each other anything and everything. We still text each other every day and call each other everyday when we're off of work. I know for a fact that I do want to be with her forever and I tell her and she lets me know as well. For some reason lately however, I've been questioning it all. If I see another attractive girl I start thinking of how she would be sexually. I talked to her and told her how I felt guilty that I saw other girls attractive and that I go online and masturbate to photos of girls online and she said that's okay.. She said that it's human nature. It felt so good to get stuff off my chest like that and be able to tell her. However, it still continued. The anxious feeling continued.

She slept over at my house last night and everything seemed okay. Except I woke up in the middle of the night at around 3 because I had a nightmare. I fell back asleep and then had another scary dream. I woke her up and told her and then we kept sleeping. I spent the day with her today and I had a positive attitude, kissed her, told her I loved her just like it was nothing but I still had a very axnious feeling inside me. Not the point where I started getting really hot, sweaty, and felt like passing out, but where I still felt anxious.

So then I started thinking, what if it's time to end things? I would be devastated, and so would she. What bugs me so much is that I know I can see myself with her in the future and we've talked about it so much and I've been and still am head over heels for her. She's honestly my everything. I know we're young (20) but I know this feeling is for real. I've been overthinking stuff to the point where I feel like I'm going crazy or that I feel like I'm going to die alone or live with a sickness for the rest of my life. I haven't been eating much, I have diarrhea, and have been feeling weak and losing focus in things. I've been telling my mom all of this and I feel bad because I'm stressing her out and I feel awful. I'm thinking maybe I just have really bad general anxiety and I'm just projecting it onto our relationship. Hopefully this upcoming week I will be seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist to see if there really is something wrong with my anxiety or I just feel like something is wrong with my relationship that I'm not noticing.

It's come to the point where no matter how hard I think about how much I love my girlfriend and how much I want to be with her, I start believing that I'm in a way convincing myself that I wanna stay with her. Not that I actually want to, but that I want to convince myself to stay. Contradicting myself in the head like this makes me feel like I'm going crazy and it's become really hard to focus on what's going around me whether at work or at home
However, when I think about ending my relationship, which I really do not want to do, I also think that maybe we could get back together in the near future. I love this girl, I really do. I love being with her, her family, her friends, her family friends. She makes me feel like no one has ever done and it's absolutely tearing me apart inside that I feel this way about our relationship. No matter how many times my mom or my brother tell me that I really do love her and that I am happy with her I keep thinking otherwise. I just keep getting that negative, irrational thought that I should leave her when I know for a fact I want to be with her and can't stop the racing thoughts.

I really want advice.. Thank you.

[fixmybrokenmind]

First of all good job on seeing a therapist that takes some balls. In my opinion it does sound like you are projecting outside anxiety onto this relationship. You even said it yourself, it has been three years and that lovey dovey feeling fades. It is human nature to find other people attractive and it doesn't make you a bad person.

Just like people have mid life crisis, it is super common to have a long term relationship crisis. You are a young male, at some point you are going to be curious about other woman. Trust your gut.

Im serious when I tell you I know exactly how you are feeling.

I have been with my girlfriend for 6+ years, i felt how you do about your girlfriend and I knew I wanted a future with this girl. Around the 5.5 year mark things went south and we both started taking each other for granted ( I am 24 and she is 22, we are both each others first significant other).

I started to romantacize the single life and was sick of the small fights and eventually both of our lackluster efforts led to us breaking up.

Within one month I knew I made a huge mistake and missed her every single day. I don't find myself to be a needy guy by any means but all I wanted in life was to have her back. This went on for 6 months till we came to the conclusion to get back together.

It has been roughly 8 months and I haven't regretted it a single day since. Moral of the story, if you have something special just know it isn't easy to find that again and the single life isn't as good as you may be imagining it to be right now.

Try putting some extra effort into making your relationship fantastic again.

At the end of the day you are 20 if you decide to go your own way you have a lot of time to start over, just wanted to share my experience from someone who has been in a similar position.

[lolguy123]

First of all good job on seeing a therapist that takes some balls. In my opinion it does sound like you are projecting outside anxiety onto this relationship. You even said it yourself, it has been three years and that lovey dovey feeling fades. It is human nature to find other people attractive and it doesn't make you a bad person.

Just like people have mid life crisis, it is super common to have a long term relationship crisis. You are a young male, at some point you are going to be curious about other woman. Trust your gut.

Im serious when I tell you I know exactly how you are feeling.

I have been with my girlfriend for 6+ years, i felt how you do about your girlfriend and I knew I wanted a future with this girl. Around the 5.5 year mark things went south and we both started taking each other for granted ( I am 24 and she is 22, we are both each others first significant other).

I started to romantacize the single life and was sick of the small fights and eventually both of our lackluster efforts led to us breaking up.

Within one month I knew I made a huge mistake and missed her every single day. I don't find myself to be a needy guy by any means but all I wanted in life was to have her back. This went on for 6 months till we came to the conclusion to get back together.

It has been roughly 8 months and I haven't regretted it a single day since. Moral of the story, if you have something special just know it isn't easy to find that again and the single life isn't as good as you may be imagining it to be right now.

Try putting some extra effort into making your relationship fantastic again.

At the end of the day you are 20 if you decide to go your own way you have a lot of time to start over, just wanted to share my experience from someone who has been in a similar position.

Wow, thank you so much for this. It's different when you ask your friends and family about this stuff but to know that someone else has gone through it and is telling me what happened... It feels so good. I know I want this and I want it for real too. The only thing though is that I'm scared that my mind is playing games on me. Like I keep convincing myself that I wanna be with her and that I love her but I feel like I'm fighting back with the negative thoughts. I want this anxiety to go away. Hopefully seeing a psychiatrist will really help out. I'm tired of constantly being anxious like this about the person I care the most in the world. I'm tired of feeling weak and starving but not being able to eat. I just want my normal life back. Anxiety sucks

[fixmybrokenmind]

I am glad I can help :). I agree anxiety blows, do you have an outlet (something to take your mind off)?

When my anxiety just won't quit I go to the gym, go for a run, or a hike...any type of exercise really seems to help.

A few basic supplements that may help you calm down a little bit in the mean time might be: 5htp, magnesium, L-theanine. They won't stop your anxiety overnight, but they may make it a little bit more manageable until you find your path.

[lolguy123]

I am glad I can help :). I agree anxiety blows, do you have an outlet (something to take your mind off)?

When my anxiety just won't quit I go to the gym, go for a run, or a hike...any type of exercise really seems to help.

A few basic supplements that may help you calm down a little bit in the mean time might be: 5htp, magnesium, L-theanine. They won't stop your anxiety overnight, but they may make it a little bit more manageable until you find your path.

That's another thing I think. I used to be really active in my old job. I used to teach Taekwondo and I've been at my new job for over a year now. I think lack of exercise is also why anxiety is starting to take over. The thing is though, playing video games would make me feel better but I still feel stressed out about my anxiety when I play. It used to help me and now it has no effect. I'm scared that when I exercise it'll do the same.

Today I feel much better. Last night I was driving home and listening to music and started tapping my hand to the beat. From there I started to kinda dance around and then wondered what it would be like to start smiling. As soon as I started smiling, my anxiety disappeared, I got chills going through my body. I started thinking positive and felt much better last night. Today when I woke up I felt great and then wondered "why am I not anxious?" From there I stared thinking about my girlfriend again and it sucked. I know I wanna be with her but I keep making myself think otherwise.

[Fashoom]

hi lolguy,

it sounds to me like even though you're confused about what you're experiencing and feeling you actually have a pretty good handle on what's going on. you've had issues with anxiety and are seeing a therapist. lots of people have anxiety disorders, and seeing a therapist is a great thing to do. many people just suffer and do nothing about it. have you talked to your therapist about your relationship worries? what do they say? i bet they will have some good insight that will ease your mind.

it sounds to me like your relationship has become 'the object of your anxiety'. you did say you started seeing a therapist "because of how I felt about certain things". that's the nature of anxiety -- it can attach itself to anything and everything in our lives. it makes a lot of sense that your relationship would become the focus of your anxiety because it's so important to you and your feelings about who you are and what your future will look like. When we worry, naturally we worry about losing what supports and holds us.

good for you for talking to your gf about what you're feeling, and it sounds like she is an emotionally intelligent person. her response was rationale and compassionate -- just what you needed.

welcome, and let us know how it goes for you.

[lolguy123]

hi lolguy,

it sounds to me like even though you're confused about what you're experiencing and feeling you actually have a pretty good handle on what's going on. you've had issues with anxiety and are seeing a therapist. lots of people have anxiety disorders, and seeing a therapist is a great thing to do. many people just suffer and do nothing about it. have you talked to your therapist about your relationship worries? what do they say? i bet they will have some good insight that will ease your mind.

it sounds to me like your relationship has become 'the object of your anxiety'. you did say you started seeing a therapist "because of how I felt about certain things". that's the nature of anxiety -- it can attach itself to anything and everything in our lives. it makes a lot of sense that your relationship would become the focus of your anxiety because it's so important to you and your feelings about who you are and what your future will look like. When we worry, naturally we worry about losing what supports and holds us.

good for you for talking to your gf about what you're feeling, and it sounds like she is an emotionally intelligent person. her response was rationale and compassionate -- just what you needed.

welcome, and let us know how it goes for you.

Thank you for the welcome. I truly do want to be happy again and I want to stay with my girlfriend. I just can't stop thinking about the "what if" we break up. It gets to the point where I convince myself to break up with her but I won't do it because I know it's all in my head. I know I truly do want to be with her and I can't stop the continuous thought process. I see happy couples or families with kids and I want that. I want it with her. We get along so well. Everyone keeps telling me that they don't know why I feel this way. They tell me to stop thinking what I'm thinking but it's not simple. I feel helpless and that I cannot stop thinking the negatives. Everyone knows she's constantly what makes me happy and I feel so stupid for putting these thoughts in my head. It's almost like I want to find something else to get stressed/anxious about but I can't stop thinking at all about this situation. Non-stop everyday I keep thinking "to stay with her or to break up with her?"

Also, this level of anxiety has gotten me questioning things I do daily. It's like I've been just negative lately. I called for a psychologist appointment on Friday but most places are Mon-Friday and I called later throughout the day so I had to leave a message and got no response. I'm just really hoping seeing another type of professional will help me out.

[fixmybrokenmind]

You have nothing to lose by exercising, it will very likely help (much better for your brain then video games) and if it doesn't at least you are doing something productive! Try bringing your girlfriend, I love working out with my girlfriend it's a great relationship strengthening activity.

Smiling is scientifically proven to make you feel happier, and it is so true how you feel. The mind is incredibly powerful when you learn to use it to your advantage rather then fight it.

I know you are confused about your girlfriend but give it time and don't do anything you will regret. Time will give you a more logical approach to the situation but if you picture and discuss a future with this girl it sounds like you would regret giving her up.

[lolguy123]

Sorry for the double post but I forgot to add. Also lately I've been trying think back in time and seeing if I was already anxious and questioning my relationship (not even that long ago) and I keep putting in my head that I already was when I knew things were fine and nothing was wrong. It's like I'm trying to convince myself that I was just hiding those feelings but things were fine. I can't stop overthinking and it really sucks.

[lolguy123]

Hey guys here's a note I wrote down in my iPhone. I want advice again. It also just feels good to let things out. Btw, my girlfriend had a Christmas party at her house for her work:

I was completely fine yesterday after the party. After getting distracted and having fun and wasn't thinking about anything else. I was great. I was perfect with my girlfriend and everything was fine. I was excited to go to sleep with her and no weird feeling in my stomach. I thought about our future and didn't question it because I felt all right. Today I wake up and started thinking again. I started thinking "Wow yesterday was great but I don't want to be bored in our relationship," and it escalates from there. I don't want to be overthinking this thought but it just happens. I don't want to get to the point where I have to be distracted 24/7 in order to be happy with my girlfriend. This is why hopefully seeing a psychologist will help. Maybe it'll help me change the way I bring thoughts in my head or even to escape some thoughts.

When we woke up we were laying in bed and her employees were texting her saying they couldn't go into her work where she manages because they were sick. If she wasn't able to find people to work today she would have ended up having to go to work and ruining our plans for the day. Just the thought of not being able to be with her started stressing me out. I was getting all sad about canceled plans because we're supposed to go to Universal Studios. But we are gonna go to Universal Studios. So hopefully that helps. No one can be in a bad mood at an amusement park. I'll be distracted I guess and when I'm distracted I'm fine with my girlfriend.

Maybe it really is because I haven't been eating much lately. Once I started eating last night was when I was good. After I ate I started to be more open with people. Started opening up more. Without food I thinking that I was going crazy and that led me to think I'm having a whole argument of "should I stay with my girlfriend or not stay with her"

I know for a fact I want to be with her. It's just once I get these thoughts I start questioning everything. When I'm with her family and friends and distracted it's not like this at all. Once I stress or get anxious about other stuff I don't feel like this. My mom made a good point the other day. I'm not in school right now, work only like 5 days a week for a few hours even though I've been overthinking stuff at work too. But when I distract myself and talk to customers or other employees I feel good and distracted. So maybe I'm just constantly looking for something to stress out about.

[Fashoom]

I'll just add, there's no reason to worry because you have thoughts about breaking up. EVERYONE in a relationship, even people in long-term committed partnerships experiences ambivalence. Don't try to banish the feelings. That will never work, and you don't need to. They're perfectly natural, and so is the way they interact with your anxiety. Some self-help books say to "welcome" such feelings, but I think the better approach is to "allow" them. The mind is like a hyperactive monkey. It jumps all over the place, especially where it "shouldn't go". TL;DR version: cut yourself a break for having unwanted thoughts. You can't control your thoughts, but you can control your actions.

[lolguy123]

Hey guys, I haven't posted here in a while so I guess I'll post about how things are going and hopefully someone can give some insight about how I feel.

I saw a psychologist this past Monday (the 19th). I told him everything and just like everyone told me, he said it sounds like I really love my girlfriend and I know I want to be with her. He told me instead of just focusing so much about my thoughts, he told me to think on the reality of the relationship. What's the reality? That I love her, that I want to be with her, that there's nothing wrong with our relationship, etc. Just like everyone I've talked to has told me.. There really is nothing wrong in my relationship. It's just me freaking out about it. For about two days after he told me to just think about the reality instead of my doubts and constant questions I have with myself, it kind of worked. It's just I still had those racing thoughts and instead I was just telling myself "it's all in my head." So in the days after that, I started questioning myself all over again. There's moments when I'm having fun, whether it's with her or other people and I don't think about the thoughts.. Then, it comes out of nowhere. It's like it has taken over my mind. It's come to the point where I even think of my girlfriend and I instantly get anxious. I think that's partially because for like a week straight I thought about breaking up with her because I wasn't sure of what I wanted.. So now whenever I think of my girlfriend, it's just all negatives and that's why I get anxious. But I know I want to be with her. If I were to actually sit down and think, if I break up with her I'd regret it instantly. Sure, I could find someone else and start all over but I don't even want that. I love my girlfriend, and everything that comes with her. If I were to break up with her I'd still be having these constant, racing thoughts and probably even worse.

It has come to the point where these thoughts are almost 24/7. I'll be doing something, be distracted, and then BAM it hits me. This goes on all day. I'll do something and try not to think about it and then it hits me. Even I feel like sometimes no matter what I'm doing the thought is always in the back of my head. Is it the anxiety that's always in the back of my head or is it the thought of my girlfriend. Genuinely when I think of my girlfriend I want to be happy, not feel anxious. Once again, is it just my anxiety that's progressively gotten worse or is just the anxiety and it's focusing on my girlfriend? I know this isn't a healthy way of living. I can't constantly be living in my thoughts no matter how much I love my girlfriend. I can't constantly keep stressing myself out and getting anxious only because of my thoughts.

Also, I don't know if this is something to add if it'll help but since I've been constantly anxious, I've been noticing my self-esteem has been really low..

Thank you guys. Sorry for such a long post. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. Especially about something, someone I care so much about. I wish my anxiety could go on to about something else.

Merry Christmas!

[lolguy123]

Also, what I realized is that when I'm happy and I somehow don't have those anxious thoughts or just kind of brush them off while I'm with my girlfriend, I know I want to be with her. When I'm in a good mood, I still kiss her, hug her, cuddle her and feel no regret in what I'm doing. I know I would miss her and I know I'd feel like I'm making a huge mistake and regret it. It really is just my doubts that are taking over.

[Marie Lends]

Have you had enough of pretending to cope when you are frozen in panic?

[lolguy123]

Have you had enough of pretending to cope when you are frozen in panic?

What do you mean?

[fixmybrokenmind]

Ya man anxiety is a bitch. Sounds like you've got some pretty bad OCD about this whole situation