flowerymoon
11-27-2016, 09:59 AM
Please read all of it
For the past 2 weeks , i have had continuously ( almost everyday , multiple times a day ) migraine headaches . it hurts sometimes the back of the left side of my head and a few times the right side of my head . I also feel some pain in my eyes and ears . Seriously I feel like my head might blow up.
Well , While I am 70% sure that the reason in mental rather than physical i am opening up to this...
I am feeling constant guilt to be more clear:
When you think of doing something or you actually think of something that you know it is wrong but you still esire for short moments to try it out , but you restrain yourself and this mess of ideas keep haunting your head all day.
I do paintings and such as a side thing ...
In my it was wanting to paint a certain idea which hit me suddenly after seeing someone elses's work online. ( please don't ask me what it is , i just can't say and probably it will not be so clear anyways ) , but I know the whole concept of it is morally wrong and sinful in my society and religion's eyes , even in my eyes .
And since i come froom a religious family , and a rather religious society and environment , i just can't do it . even if I did paint it I would feel really guilty .I am 20 years old if that helps.
The moment i hold the pencil i feel a numb kind of feeling in my arm and I am haunted by this perticular bad idea again .
I know it is bad but I can't get it out of my mind .
- If I do it I would feel like it was a sin which i can't astonish for .( because it's the same as supporting what is the idea about which I both don't , can't and it would make me feel so wrong.
-If I don't , it would keep haunting me until I forrt about it . And knowin my memory span I probably won't in a very long time .
I tried to talk to my mom in this and she said , if you ever even think of this idea again I will stab myself .
So in resume , in my head there is a conflict between right and wrong , do or don't.
It is making me not focus on my studying or my work and I keep being tired .
PS: 2 years ago , I had a problem in a decision making situation and had to go to a therapist and took anti-stress medecine...
And please do not ask what is it about .I can't and am not ready to talk about it , i think writing it is the same as admitting it's true and I don't want to blame myself for it for ever . I am just not saying even if I am asked privately . ( i am a self critique person )
PS: every time i think of anything related to it or I see anything which could relate to it in daily life , i feel like my head is going to blow up , the " what are you thinking , get back to your senses " kind of feeling .
SOMETIMES I EVEN THINK HOW AM I GETTING THESE IDEAS ,, OR IMAGINING THIS IT IS DISTANT FROM ME OR MY LIFE , I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT BEFORE THIS , NOT EVEN HAD A REAL LIFE EVENT RELATED TO IT ...
is what you do a reflection of what you are or what you think is right?
not to mention when i imagine it it gets pretty disturbing in my mind , t the point it gives me nightmares , plz help me foret about it
For the past 2 weeks , i have had continuously ( almost everyday , multiple times a day ) migraine headaches . it hurts sometimes the back of the left side of my head and a few times the right side of my head . I also feel some pain in my eyes and ears . Seriously I feel like my head might blow up.
Well , While I am 70% sure that the reason in mental rather than physical i am opening up to this...
I am feeling constant guilt to be more clear:
When you think of doing something or you actually think of something that you know it is wrong but you still esire for short moments to try it out , but you restrain yourself and this mess of ideas keep haunting your head all day.
I do paintings and such as a side thing ...
In my it was wanting to paint a certain idea which hit me suddenly after seeing someone elses's work online. ( please don't ask me what it is , i just can't say and probably it will not be so clear anyways ) , but I know the whole concept of it is morally wrong and sinful in my society and religion's eyes , even in my eyes .
And since i come froom a religious family , and a rather religious society and environment , i just can't do it . even if I did paint it I would feel really guilty .I am 20 years old if that helps.
The moment i hold the pencil i feel a numb kind of feeling in my arm and I am haunted by this perticular bad idea again .
I know it is bad but I can't get it out of my mind .
- If I do it I would feel like it was a sin which i can't astonish for .( because it's the same as supporting what is the idea about which I both don't , can't and it would make me feel so wrong.
-If I don't , it would keep haunting me until I forrt about it . And knowin my memory span I probably won't in a very long time .
I tried to talk to my mom in this and she said , if you ever even think of this idea again I will stab myself .
So in resume , in my head there is a conflict between right and wrong , do or don't.
It is making me not focus on my studying or my work and I keep being tired .
PS: 2 years ago , I had a problem in a decision making situation and had to go to a therapist and took anti-stress medecine...
And please do not ask what is it about .I can't and am not ready to talk about it , i think writing it is the same as admitting it's true and I don't want to blame myself for it for ever . I am just not saying even if I am asked privately . ( i am a self critique person )
PS: every time i think of anything related to it or I see anything which could relate to it in daily life , i feel like my head is going to blow up , the " what are you thinking , get back to your senses " kind of feeling .
SOMETIMES I EVEN THINK HOW AM I GETTING THESE IDEAS ,, OR IMAGINING THIS IT IS DISTANT FROM ME OR MY LIFE , I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT IT BEFORE THIS , NOT EVEN HAD A REAL LIFE EVENT RELATED TO IT ...
is what you do a reflection of what you are or what you think is right?
not to mention when i imagine it it gets pretty disturbing in my mind , t the point it gives me nightmares , plz help me foret about it