HamSand44
11-24-2016, 07:32 PM
Hello, this is my first post on one of these sort of websites. This might have some grammar mistakes and will probably be long, but please hear me out. I'll start with some backstory.
Back in January of this year, there was a night where I needed to stay up late to study a test in math. Now I decided to get some caffeine in my system just to keep me from taking nap, which is usually what I do when I come home from school. I ended up drinking two Mountain dews and a coffee over the course of 3 hours. Later in the night I began having some chest discomfort. Being the worrier I am, I immediately thought it was something related to my heart and I began to analyze all the sensations I was feeling and comparing them to the symptoms of a heart attack. Sure enough, I was scared out of my mind. My parents tried to reassure me that I would be fine and told me to go to sleep. And I was beyond terrified that whole night and constantly thinking things like "If I throw up, I'm clearly having a heart attack and need to go to the hospital". Next morning, I wake up and my symptoms are still there so my father decides to take me to the ER. Long story short, I get out later in the day and they told me that my heart was healthy and I was completely fine. However, my fears didn't stop there. For the next 6 months or so, I was constantly thinking about my heart and if I was going to die. Every night, I would have difficulty going to sleep because I was thinking that I wouldn't wake up the next morning. It was something that really consumed me. I was always analyzing sensations in my body to see if it was my heart.
But it wasn't until recently (about a month ago), where I began to get worse, in my opinion. I began to worry about my mental health because I started having frequent panic attack about my health. I started looking up things like OCD or even schizophrenia and (once again) analyzing sensations in my body to see if I had these illnesses. It wasn't until I came across the Wikipedia article for OCD and it said that suicides were frequent for people with it (it said something along those lines, quite honestly I'm scared to go back to that page). Now, I was never diagnosed with any mental illness ever, but OCD was something I worried about having. But once I saw that suicide symptom, it threw me in a loop. Right now, I have this intense fear of suicide and depression and quite honestly I do feel a little depressed nowadays. This depression could be that my older brother moved away to college and we were really close. I also think that my life is changing, things like being more independent and parents and grandparents aging. And I've noticed that I really don't enjoy some of the hobbies I used to do everyday, like video games. If I'm ever in a happy situation or I'm thinking about something happy, my mind just finds a way to ruin it. This "depression" I have is really what is making worry about suicide. But I can't stress this enough, I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I fear death and I don't want to leave the people I love so dearly. But these intrusive thoughts keep coming in making me think of just the thought of suicide. This is what makes me so worried. It's almost like I'm depressed because I'm depressed, which makes me worry about suicidal thoughts more.
In addition, I began to date a very supportive and loving girl around mid- September. She hasn't had the best life, really. Throughout her childhood she suffered abuse from her father, who was a drug addict. Her father just recently passed away from an overdose this past June. She often talks to me about him and how she gets these weird flashbacks that just put her in such a horrible mood for a day or even a week. I've noticed that she has some self-esteem issues too and that she really has a hard time with accepting compliments and she really doesn't think that she'll be successful. I've had conversations with her and everytime I ask her if she feels suicidal she always says that she'd never do that. Now she generally has a dark sense of humor, and often jokes about suicide which really makes me worry about her despite all the reassurance from her and her close friends that she would never do that. Now I try to help her immensely and she says that I do help her get through it sometimes, but it's something that always bothers me. Sometimes when I have these conversations with her, I kinda get depressed too, like I don't like hearing her be in this depressed state. And if talking to her is fueling my "anxiety/depression", I would feel really bad because I want to help her through her hard times too.
I started seeing a psychologist, and we've only had two meetings so far. Everytime I see him it usually makes me feel better for a while, but then the anxiety comes back. Like tonight for example, I almost had another panic attack because I thought that my psychologist wouldn't be able to help me and that I was hopeless and lose control. Hell, even the fact that I'm posting on one of these websites makes me sad, like what happened to me? Just that fear of losing control eats at me. I worry that I'm gonna be too lazy to fight this and resort to the "easy solution" of killing myself. Like Jesus, I even had a hard time typing that sentence. Suicide and/or losing control of my mind is just so scary to me.
I know that was kinda long, but I ask for any reassurance or solutions or anything positive. Thank you.
Back in January of this year, there was a night where I needed to stay up late to study a test in math. Now I decided to get some caffeine in my system just to keep me from taking nap, which is usually what I do when I come home from school. I ended up drinking two Mountain dews and a coffee over the course of 3 hours. Later in the night I began having some chest discomfort. Being the worrier I am, I immediately thought it was something related to my heart and I began to analyze all the sensations I was feeling and comparing them to the symptoms of a heart attack. Sure enough, I was scared out of my mind. My parents tried to reassure me that I would be fine and told me to go to sleep. And I was beyond terrified that whole night and constantly thinking things like "If I throw up, I'm clearly having a heart attack and need to go to the hospital". Next morning, I wake up and my symptoms are still there so my father decides to take me to the ER. Long story short, I get out later in the day and they told me that my heart was healthy and I was completely fine. However, my fears didn't stop there. For the next 6 months or so, I was constantly thinking about my heart and if I was going to die. Every night, I would have difficulty going to sleep because I was thinking that I wouldn't wake up the next morning. It was something that really consumed me. I was always analyzing sensations in my body to see if it was my heart.
But it wasn't until recently (about a month ago), where I began to get worse, in my opinion. I began to worry about my mental health because I started having frequent panic attack about my health. I started looking up things like OCD or even schizophrenia and (once again) analyzing sensations in my body to see if I had these illnesses. It wasn't until I came across the Wikipedia article for OCD and it said that suicides were frequent for people with it (it said something along those lines, quite honestly I'm scared to go back to that page). Now, I was never diagnosed with any mental illness ever, but OCD was something I worried about having. But once I saw that suicide symptom, it threw me in a loop. Right now, I have this intense fear of suicide and depression and quite honestly I do feel a little depressed nowadays. This depression could be that my older brother moved away to college and we were really close. I also think that my life is changing, things like being more independent and parents and grandparents aging. And I've noticed that I really don't enjoy some of the hobbies I used to do everyday, like video games. If I'm ever in a happy situation or I'm thinking about something happy, my mind just finds a way to ruin it. This "depression" I have is really what is making worry about suicide. But I can't stress this enough, I AM NOT SUICIDAL. I fear death and I don't want to leave the people I love so dearly. But these intrusive thoughts keep coming in making me think of just the thought of suicide. This is what makes me so worried. It's almost like I'm depressed because I'm depressed, which makes me worry about suicidal thoughts more.
In addition, I began to date a very supportive and loving girl around mid- September. She hasn't had the best life, really. Throughout her childhood she suffered abuse from her father, who was a drug addict. Her father just recently passed away from an overdose this past June. She often talks to me about him and how she gets these weird flashbacks that just put her in such a horrible mood for a day or even a week. I've noticed that she has some self-esteem issues too and that she really has a hard time with accepting compliments and she really doesn't think that she'll be successful. I've had conversations with her and everytime I ask her if she feels suicidal she always says that she'd never do that. Now she generally has a dark sense of humor, and often jokes about suicide which really makes me worry about her despite all the reassurance from her and her close friends that she would never do that. Now I try to help her immensely and she says that I do help her get through it sometimes, but it's something that always bothers me. Sometimes when I have these conversations with her, I kinda get depressed too, like I don't like hearing her be in this depressed state. And if talking to her is fueling my "anxiety/depression", I would feel really bad because I want to help her through her hard times too.
I started seeing a psychologist, and we've only had two meetings so far. Everytime I see him it usually makes me feel better for a while, but then the anxiety comes back. Like tonight for example, I almost had another panic attack because I thought that my psychologist wouldn't be able to help me and that I was hopeless and lose control. Hell, even the fact that I'm posting on one of these websites makes me sad, like what happened to me? Just that fear of losing control eats at me. I worry that I'm gonna be too lazy to fight this and resort to the "easy solution" of killing myself. Like Jesus, I even had a hard time typing that sentence. Suicide and/or losing control of my mind is just so scary to me.
I know that was kinda long, but I ask for any reassurance or solutions or anything positive. Thank you.