Cousin's Suicide Hasn't Hit Me Yet

[BlessedBackyard]

I don't know what my goal is in posting this...maybe to just commiserate with others who are like-minded. Or maybe to have someone to talk to since anxiety keeps me home and not with my extended family.

My cousin killed herself last night. We've never been "close" even though she lived only 10 minutes away, but she was still family. It feels like I'm hearing the story of a stranger, like a news anchor giving the details while I flip through the TV channels. I get that it'll take time for it to really hit me. My emotions have been all over the place the last few months, and they seem to flare at the most inopportune times, so I'm not looking forward to when this decides to sink in. The funeral is usually when I would accept it and grieve, but I won't be attending (anxiety and all that). I have to get closure without the usual visitation and funeral stuff.

So that's it. That's what's in the back of my mind as I go about my day. My family is gathering together and supporting each other. I feel left out for missing it. I feel sad over my cousin. I feel weak for allowing anxiety to prevent me from being there. Most of all, I feel lonely. And I feel selfish for thinking so much of myself right now, of my own loneliness instead of my aunt's pain.

[Dahila]

BB I am so sorry, Ponder have a lot of experience in it, He lost his brother not so long ago.
I do not attend funerals,,,,,, I went to visit when I lost my friend , cancer, and It made me so anxious , I could not sleep, eat, think, constant panic attacks.............I was really close to her. I think people here helped me, from the old army only Ponder, Gypsy, and I am left. ..........
I know friend is not the same as family, but I had moved to Canada 25 years ago with my ex hubby and two children. I have no family here, so close friends are your family. It is already 3 years and I can not forget her........
I am so sorry BB:(

BTw when I lose someone I feel selfish too and blame myself for a lot of things. You will survive somehow............you will, we are strong people dealing with anxiety and depression

[gypsylee]

Hi BB,

That's awful :(

Instead of feeling bad for staying home though you should see it like Dahila says - we are strong people living with this ****. I'm sure your cousin would understand.

Take it easy,
Gypsy x

[Teafrenzy]

I have a similar story. Though this happened many years ago and way before I ever got my anxiety condition. I think I was maybe 18 at the time.

Anyways, I had a cousin named Eddie. He was a really amazing guy. Smart, friendly, played drums expertly. On top of that, he was an extremely good looking guy. Kind of looked like the guy who plays Thor in the movies. he was Adopted, Norwegian good looks definitely wasn't part of our family.

I remember going to a cousins wedding. He had a table filled with girls, some included my cousins, sisters and just friends of the bride or groom. All through the night, my sisters kept gushing over him. When my sisters came back to our table to sit down and eat it was like- Eddie this, Eddie that. I remember feeling intensely jealous. I think Eddie noticed and he came on over and talked to me. He invited me to sit down at the table and he would help me out with the girls. I couldn't hate him. I couldn't hate a man like that.

A few years later, I found out through my mom that he had lost his job as a bartender and he started dating a girl who wasn't white. I don't think his parents approved. They would fight all the time. He ended up committing suicide to get back at his parents. This is the closest I ever came to suicide within the family thankfully.

I remember thinking, despite his problems, I would trade places with him in a second. He seemed to be the perfect guy who had everything going for him. You never know. I sometimes think about this when I am depressed over my anxiety or just in general, about my life. It's really all about how you look at life to determine happiness.

[CNNR]

Hey, first of all, sorry for your lost. Second, we all deal with pain and loss in different ways. I kind of have a similar story to yours. A family friend which I was close but not that close commited suicide when we were 17. Of course no one expected it. I went through all the gatherings and stuff surrounding this event and not for one moment I felt something.
It didn't hit me. It did slowly when I started to realize in the next family reunions or trips that he wasn't there anymore, that he wouldn't be there never again. Don't feel selfish, you're suffering as much as the rest in a different way at your own pace.
Be strong!

[BlessedBackyard]

Thanks for all of the encouragement. My cousin and aunt were/are both fairly reclusive, with depression and who knows what else, so I imagine they do understand (though I haven't directly talked to them about my anxiety, so perhaps my aunt doesn't know...). CNNR, you're right, it'll likely sink in when I finally make it to a family get-together (which WILL happen...eventually).

Dahila, friends are certainly family, sometimes even more so than blood relatives.

[Ponder]

BB – Although I & many others have a lot of experience with such loss and pain … well – it never makes it easy to talk about and my need for so many words when expressing often bring me undone.

SO – First off. I am deeply sorry for what you’re going through at this time.

I don’t do funerals and have learned well that I do not need to. I could have gone to many – but did not. Some I did and I wish I had not. To me funerals are very shallow affairs that highlight a lifetime of deceit. Forgive me if I speak out of turn. IMO (I’m doing my best to remain humble) – Those of us that don’t do people – who in their right mind would turn up to such gatherings? Far better to reflect within one’s own space. In fact that is how it used to be done, in a time where family used to be one. I can’t help figure just how toxic our funeral systems really be. For a very few stable minded groups that act more as one … then yea – a gathering of such but (not like what most of us know as an atypical funeral) can of course bring some form of healing grief. I mourn the living and stay the hell from such idealistic gathering. The latter is linked very closely in cases of suicides.
It’s a noble thing to keep your distance and not join the parade as many be. I did end up going to my Brothers funeral. My brother in-law (a self-professed pastor and leader of he saw beneath him) told me that only those that loved him would attend. WOW Imagine that. Of course that was not the reason I went. Just because I don’t do funerals, did not mean my brothers friends did not. I of course speak about those that really knew him. Many of those did not always see him. We were constantly pushed to the side – held back by the same blanket of authority that shrouds such funeral and likewise “events.”
Srry BB – Is very hard to right about my experiences and relate in some way as to help you. : (

My point is – We really need not be at these events. My family tried to make my brother’s funeral an open religious event. I begged for a private burial. I was cut out and told I had made my choice. I did not know when the funeral was going to be – they left me in the dark. I had to ring the funeral director and get the date and place of burial. When I lost my brother – I lost my entire family.

Anyways – Despite my policy of not attending funerals to which I know of many I could of going to. I vowed to contact two of Danny’s real friends; that really knew him. Long story short – We stood up the back of what was more like a paddock watching the fest below. Once they all disappeared only then did we approach. I could not even have any peace as the Funeral director and a number of off siders were within 4 arm lengths. I was disgusted – felt like I was still in prison. Just like my brother did to his very end. No offense – but FUCK FUNERALS and that blanket of authority that’s embed into us from birth right up to the very end.

That day – I also lost my Mother & my Sister. My bio Father who I kind of knew … died of throat cancer two years later. But is OK – I now have family in here … this forum and on the wide world web. : ) I feel the same as you with blood lines not being the defining factor. Despite this world still clinging to such pathetic ideals.
__________________________________________________ __
Once again I am srry – as despite my XP – it can make it all the more harder to express. I am not as bitter as my word may imply. I later went back to my brothers grave – but truth be told, we all have and I still do … the capacity to make those connections we need in order to heal. Contrary to popular and idealistic beliefs, those bridges are better crossed in what we deem is our place of peace. For me … it’s a very private thing. If I needed to council a family member on such a matter as loss – I would respect their space and not tell them where it is that they should attend … and I would pick a space that was away from indoctrinated beleifes. AKA – most of today’s modern funerals … religiously orientated or not. Both gathering imo are just as restrictive … As a Society we have lost the art of grieving and instead turn such natural experiences more into states of uncertainty and FEAR.

I don’t need that shit when I mourn the loss of someone I loved. I also mourned for those I did not really know. So it’s understandable about still feeling a sense of loss losing what’s termed as a member – but I think for me … losing a friend (human being with likewise XP/suffering) – is more about the connections that exist … despite not seeing and or doing much with them.

Hmmmm – The extreme suffering that only comes out in the end when it’s too late is what often catches up to us. In these situations it takes a while to hit … because it’s an extremely painful truth for any human to take in. Family or not.

One mate I went to go collect for a day of picking apples – I was bluntly told he was out the back hanging off the clothes line. He hung himself with a belt sometime after a meal. I was devastated. I had already seen another in Sydney Kings Cross … where I lived hard core in the streets. That one had a group of onlookers looking on. I crossed the road like it was my loungeroom and slipped through the crowed. I was devastated to see another street buddy just like me laying limp like in the actually gutter with broken glass and needle to be seen. I just kept walking … right up to the fountain looking for some form of hit myself. I saw many wet gutter drunks I did not really know – but sang, laughed and cried with many of them – I was one of them.
Yea – I got a lot of XP with people checking out … and whilst those ones are not so closely related … the meant more to me and still will as opposed to when my mother and sister die. Funerals are more like hostile events – but that’s another story. All that stuff in my past is still hard to draw on … but thing is … is how it all relates to ourselves … how we feel when we truly feel loss.
Funerals tend to have us feeling BS feelings that are not real. At least you’re questioning the reflections that are welling up in you … and you’re doing it with others you seem to consider as family. The latter is real. It is very very hard to connect with others myself in here. Being all fucked up with my perceptions on dogmatic beliefs will often trigger others and in turn I alienate myself.
I’ve said too much BUT is the only way I can speak of such things. I tried not to make this about myself. I truly did … yet I also like you struggle with a sense of guilt (although our contexts be different) … thing is … I think it was best to of shared with you than not.

You don’t need to go to a funeral – you really don’t. That is entirely up to you. As for the rest – Is not more other than an opportunity for you to make a connection with yourself and grow from that. You define the bigger picture and make something good come from that. No matter bad it feels. There does not have to be a reason for anything – it will come in its own good time if we allow it. Despite all those outside influences that we cannot change, we are just as much as responsible for the way we feel. For me –I take responsibility by saying – NOPE – I don’t do funerals, I will not participate, I don’t vote and so on and on. It’s also OK for me not to do people either. All those things will happen naturally if they are meant for me.

I get much more when I mourn the living and then allow connections to take place as they will. My XP tells me that we can only do that by respecting ourselves and in our own space. It cannot be defined by some expected and idealistic gathering.

… your reaching out is even enough of a “hit” if that is all it be … it really is a process that never stops. The only time we feel like we have been hit is when we do not allow ourselves to process at all. Like you mention … not all of us are able to process in the space of others and that my friend is more normal than not.
Forgive the typos and grammar – I bail out now and go for a walk. I sincerely hope there was something in all that wall of text. Hope there was something in that.

Once again – I feel for you either way. Keep reaching out and connecting with those that help ease the pain. For me – that has become more the purpose to living, although I really don’t think there need be a purpose at all. I stop talking now … head is kind of spinning. Is normal for me. Is not an easy topic … but something more of us should share. Thank you for sharing – and sharing so well.

Take care and all that.

[Kirk]

I am very sorry to hear of this and I wish their was something I could say to make you feel better.

[Dahila]

BB when you feel pain do you hide, and do not want to have anything with other human beings?

[BlessedBackyard]

Ponder, you've endured a world of hurt, haven't you? It's obviously made you wiser, but I can't imagine some of what you've gone through.

My husband is a pastor, and when we first got married, I thought I had to be supportive and attend every funeral that he did, whether I knew the deceased or not. In church, at least, it seems there are 2 types of people at funerals and visitations: those who genuinely loved and will miss the deceased, and those who feel obligated to attend to say "I'm sorry" to the family. The latter never made sense to me. Funeral attendance shouldn't be about obligation or sympathy. It's a personal time to get closure, to lean on others who feel the same. There are other, I dare say better, times to offer platitudes and say "I'm sorry for your loss" than in a never-ending line of people when the hurt is still fresh and raw. When my stepdad passed away, my mom opted not to have a funeral or visitation. A few of their closest friends stopped by the house, and it gave us a a chance to grieve together instead of putting on a brave face for all of the other people. She held a memorial service a couple of months later. Watching my mom stand firm in her decision, without giving a reason besides "this is what I want," was rather freeing. I was seeing a psychologist around that time who also helped. Between the 2 of them, I realized how much I was doing because I thought I was "supposed to," particularly when it came to being a pastor's wife. A significant portion of my anxiety stemmed from the pressures of trying to be what I thought was expected of me. I was battling against the anxiety because it didn't fit into what "should be."

Dahila, it's funny how anxiety and agoraphobia have changed me. I don't want to go back to my old self pre-anxiety, because I've learned and grown so much through this experience. I used to hide when I was in pain or grieving. I thought crying in front of others (even my husband) was weakness, and I didn't like that vulnerable feeling. I didn't like the looks of sympathy, and I didn't like wondering/worrying what they were thinking of me. I think I've worked through a lot of that -- of wanting to put on a good front for other people. It doesn't matter what they think. I miss people and my emotions flip like a switch without warning, so I'm less likely to hide when I'm in pain. And yet, when deep pains suddenly surface, like something that reminds me of my deceased stepdad, I still tend to go off by myself or try to hide it. I didn't realize until I typed this that I'm only willing to show surface pain but still hide the private, long-standing stuff.