Arei
10-26-2008, 08:40 PM
Long post time~
Panic attacks/anxiety attacks for me are delayed. It seems to come out of no where but I can now recognize it just takes time. This time it was tension that had been building up for a couple of weeks, my first battle with anxiety/stress came with a 8 year delay, or atleast, the stress didn't come all crashing down on me at once until then (which is how it always is, it builds up then eventually it all has to come down, always during a period where im NOT stressed out).
When I was 8 I developed stomach pain/nausea, and I became horribly frightened of being sick, I dropped 30 pounds and probably didnt gain anymore back for 2 years. I hardly ate, I was scared to eat so many foods. Some days I would survive on pop tarts, popcorn, popsicles (lol, the pop foods xD), chicken nuggets, or other weird things that I was absolutely sure would not hurt my stomach. They did every test under the sun mutliple times and never found anything physically wrong. It finally went away, quite a few years later.
I learned not too long ago that this was all stress-induced from all of the bad events that went on with my dad and my step-mom and her family/kids. I was scared/anxious/upset a large portion of the time from when I was 2 until I was 8, and then things were settling down with them, and then my problems developed.
After the stomach stuff started to subside a bit, we had moved elsewhere and another series of stressful events began. And I can honestly say, they were no different from what went on at my dad's, but it was at school.
So now, a senior in high school, I sometimes will dread school like I dreaded going to my dad's. That sick, frightened, "I'm going to fall to pieces if I step foot in there" feeling I had so long ago remains, even though since i moved again to start high school elsewhere and its no where near as bad, I still dread it. It makes me physically ill to think about, because I have no control, and there are still people (teachers/principals especially) who are suppose to be trustworthy and helpful that do nothing but put me down, and I feel like that helpess little kid again because there is nothing I could do.
I have 2 1/2 months now till I'm 18. Technically once I reach that age, if they pull that crap I won't be penalized (legally) for walking out.
I do my very best in school, I always have. I do what I'm suppose to, I don't act up or talk at innapropriate times and I have never given the teachers any legitimate reason to dislike me, but many have. It makes me so angry that I'm at a loss for words. I am so SICK of being punished for things I don't do ON PURPOSE.
I had been sick with what they thought was a sinus infection all month long, but the ENT was able to confirm there was nothing at all wrong with my sinuses (and the symptoms i had didnt even fit a sinus infection). So all the antibiotics I was given did nothing. I used to get a decongestant everytime they gave me the z=pack for these infections, and THAT was what was clearing up my nose. But they no longer make that particular decongestant and its the only one that works D= OTC decongestants do nothing for me.
I was so stressed out, I missed alot of school, my mom was pissed and yelling and screaming at me. The augmentin royally botched my gut, well the omnicef I took for 2 days did horrible damage and I had to wait 5 days before I could even take the augmentin. I had a few nervous breakdowns a couple of weeks ago because I could not handle the sickness and the anxiety sickness school gives me.
So thursday night I got hit with a panic attack out of the blue (I had a good day that day). My chest and throat were tight, and I got the tingling hands/lip from hyperventilation, but I calmed down enough even though it was uncomfy.
Went to the doctor friday morning and they said my oxygen rate was perfect, she wanted to do an EKG but it picked up alot of artifacts that made it seem abnormal so I got sent to the ER and got even more panicked and more crap ensued.
They did an x-ray and did another EKG was was perfect, my heart rate was fine and my oxygen is fine so they said it was anxiety.
I still have the chest tightness and episodes of anxiety even though I was conciously more relaxed, the muscle tension that causes this chest discomfort remains and I dont know how to unconciously relax to get rid of it. Taking some xanax calmed my mind, but it doesnt take away the tension. Thinking logically helps calm down but just calming down does not take away the pain.
So I still have this, and I would like to go to the doctor first thing and sit down and talk with her about what I can do for the remaining time I have to deal with these anxiety situations I have no control over. If its just taking some xanax as needed until I figure out a way to handle it then thats fine. I want to go natural like I am with my neurological imbalance in my frontal left-lobe (which they think is also contributing to my anxiety, the norephephrine being way too high). I'm taking natural supplements for that, which is suppose to help the anxiety, but it will be one of the last things to happen, and this is month 2 of 6 month treatment. I need to handle the anxiety NOW, I can't sit and wait because this chest tightness is ruining my life :cry:
My mom gets angry everytime I want to stay home, because she could not afford to pay a fine for truancy.
I got a note from the freakin ER now, I hope that and possibly a sit down will help them realize this is not me being truant or skipping or faking sick. I have a REAL problem that is messing up everything in my life. And at school, they don't care.
I am so afraid of getting in trouble, of being punished because I try SO FREAKIN HARD to do everything I'm suppose to do. Sometimes crap happens and im 2 SECONDS (i must emphasize seconds, its not minutes or hours) late and I can get thrown into detention for THAT. This actually scares me, and the fear of getting in trouble will send me into a panic attack. Again I can relate this all to what happened with my dad, and how my step-mom would yell at me for things my step-sister would do. I can't stand people yelling at me or getting in trouble when I deliberately did not do anything wrong. I understand punishment for bad choices, and I have made many and got what I deserved, but I am being punished because so many people make the choice to skip school/not show up so the school doesnt get their stupid money. I cannot stand being punished for the stupidness of some retarded teenagers who's brains are smaller then seeds.
I am not learning disabled, what takes half the class 10 minutes to do I can do it in 2. Being 2 seconds late is not "ruining my learning" by any means. I could get all of the work done I do daily in a couple of hours rather then just sitting there wasting precious time I could be spending doing my artwork for my college portfolio, cleaning out the closets so we can lay down our new floors, or getting a job is wasted on sitting there twiddling my thumbs or drawing.
Ok, something is DEFINATELY WRONG if you have so much freakin free time in school you can draw a masterpiece. That just makes me sick that I have to be there and waste so much time when I could be doing something better. I don't think school is unimportant, but some of us can sit down, get it done, and we're done. If I need help I ask, if I don't it gets done and then id like to move to something else rather then just sitting there DWELLING on how unwell I feel and how I can't breathe and making my anxiety worse.
The anxiety has kept me from having a job. I had a job the end of the year/beginning of this year but something happened there and they wanted me working more hours then I could stand and my HAIR was falling out I was so stressed.
I am about to start college, and I want to enjoy this freedom and independence I have been suffering through the other almost 18 years to get to. But in this state, I can't handle the real world, and that upsets me terribly.
Anyone know of good therapies to try to handle this (especially where I can keep the meds to a low as-needed basis, just if I absolutely hit rock-bottom and need that kick in the rear so I dont run away screaming, some things I have to put a brave-face on and handle, but i cant do it on my own).
I feel so helpless. I know i'm not alone and there are people there, but my mom is fed up with me and is no source of comfort, and because I have no control at school I feel weak and defenseless.
At the very least, I want this tightness in my chest to go away because its very annoying. Subconcious relaxing techniques would be nice to know too xD
Panic attacks/anxiety attacks for me are delayed. It seems to come out of no where but I can now recognize it just takes time. This time it was tension that had been building up for a couple of weeks, my first battle with anxiety/stress came with a 8 year delay, or atleast, the stress didn't come all crashing down on me at once until then (which is how it always is, it builds up then eventually it all has to come down, always during a period where im NOT stressed out).
When I was 8 I developed stomach pain/nausea, and I became horribly frightened of being sick, I dropped 30 pounds and probably didnt gain anymore back for 2 years. I hardly ate, I was scared to eat so many foods. Some days I would survive on pop tarts, popcorn, popsicles (lol, the pop foods xD), chicken nuggets, or other weird things that I was absolutely sure would not hurt my stomach. They did every test under the sun mutliple times and never found anything physically wrong. It finally went away, quite a few years later.
I learned not too long ago that this was all stress-induced from all of the bad events that went on with my dad and my step-mom and her family/kids. I was scared/anxious/upset a large portion of the time from when I was 2 until I was 8, and then things were settling down with them, and then my problems developed.
After the stomach stuff started to subside a bit, we had moved elsewhere and another series of stressful events began. And I can honestly say, they were no different from what went on at my dad's, but it was at school.
So now, a senior in high school, I sometimes will dread school like I dreaded going to my dad's. That sick, frightened, "I'm going to fall to pieces if I step foot in there" feeling I had so long ago remains, even though since i moved again to start high school elsewhere and its no where near as bad, I still dread it. It makes me physically ill to think about, because I have no control, and there are still people (teachers/principals especially) who are suppose to be trustworthy and helpful that do nothing but put me down, and I feel like that helpess little kid again because there is nothing I could do.
I have 2 1/2 months now till I'm 18. Technically once I reach that age, if they pull that crap I won't be penalized (legally) for walking out.
I do my very best in school, I always have. I do what I'm suppose to, I don't act up or talk at innapropriate times and I have never given the teachers any legitimate reason to dislike me, but many have. It makes me so angry that I'm at a loss for words. I am so SICK of being punished for things I don't do ON PURPOSE.
I had been sick with what they thought was a sinus infection all month long, but the ENT was able to confirm there was nothing at all wrong with my sinuses (and the symptoms i had didnt even fit a sinus infection). So all the antibiotics I was given did nothing. I used to get a decongestant everytime they gave me the z=pack for these infections, and THAT was what was clearing up my nose. But they no longer make that particular decongestant and its the only one that works D= OTC decongestants do nothing for me.
I was so stressed out, I missed alot of school, my mom was pissed and yelling and screaming at me. The augmentin royally botched my gut, well the omnicef I took for 2 days did horrible damage and I had to wait 5 days before I could even take the augmentin. I had a few nervous breakdowns a couple of weeks ago because I could not handle the sickness and the anxiety sickness school gives me.
So thursday night I got hit with a panic attack out of the blue (I had a good day that day). My chest and throat were tight, and I got the tingling hands/lip from hyperventilation, but I calmed down enough even though it was uncomfy.
Went to the doctor friday morning and they said my oxygen rate was perfect, she wanted to do an EKG but it picked up alot of artifacts that made it seem abnormal so I got sent to the ER and got even more panicked and more crap ensued.
They did an x-ray and did another EKG was was perfect, my heart rate was fine and my oxygen is fine so they said it was anxiety.
I still have the chest tightness and episodes of anxiety even though I was conciously more relaxed, the muscle tension that causes this chest discomfort remains and I dont know how to unconciously relax to get rid of it. Taking some xanax calmed my mind, but it doesnt take away the tension. Thinking logically helps calm down but just calming down does not take away the pain.
So I still have this, and I would like to go to the doctor first thing and sit down and talk with her about what I can do for the remaining time I have to deal with these anxiety situations I have no control over. If its just taking some xanax as needed until I figure out a way to handle it then thats fine. I want to go natural like I am with my neurological imbalance in my frontal left-lobe (which they think is also contributing to my anxiety, the norephephrine being way too high). I'm taking natural supplements for that, which is suppose to help the anxiety, but it will be one of the last things to happen, and this is month 2 of 6 month treatment. I need to handle the anxiety NOW, I can't sit and wait because this chest tightness is ruining my life :cry:
My mom gets angry everytime I want to stay home, because she could not afford to pay a fine for truancy.
I got a note from the freakin ER now, I hope that and possibly a sit down will help them realize this is not me being truant or skipping or faking sick. I have a REAL problem that is messing up everything in my life. And at school, they don't care.
I am so afraid of getting in trouble, of being punished because I try SO FREAKIN HARD to do everything I'm suppose to do. Sometimes crap happens and im 2 SECONDS (i must emphasize seconds, its not minutes or hours) late and I can get thrown into detention for THAT. This actually scares me, and the fear of getting in trouble will send me into a panic attack. Again I can relate this all to what happened with my dad, and how my step-mom would yell at me for things my step-sister would do. I can't stand people yelling at me or getting in trouble when I deliberately did not do anything wrong. I understand punishment for bad choices, and I have made many and got what I deserved, but I am being punished because so many people make the choice to skip school/not show up so the school doesnt get their stupid money. I cannot stand being punished for the stupidness of some retarded teenagers who's brains are smaller then seeds.
I am not learning disabled, what takes half the class 10 minutes to do I can do it in 2. Being 2 seconds late is not "ruining my learning" by any means. I could get all of the work done I do daily in a couple of hours rather then just sitting there wasting precious time I could be spending doing my artwork for my college portfolio, cleaning out the closets so we can lay down our new floors, or getting a job is wasted on sitting there twiddling my thumbs or drawing.
Ok, something is DEFINATELY WRONG if you have so much freakin free time in school you can draw a masterpiece. That just makes me sick that I have to be there and waste so much time when I could be doing something better. I don't think school is unimportant, but some of us can sit down, get it done, and we're done. If I need help I ask, if I don't it gets done and then id like to move to something else rather then just sitting there DWELLING on how unwell I feel and how I can't breathe and making my anxiety worse.
The anxiety has kept me from having a job. I had a job the end of the year/beginning of this year but something happened there and they wanted me working more hours then I could stand and my HAIR was falling out I was so stressed.
I am about to start college, and I want to enjoy this freedom and independence I have been suffering through the other almost 18 years to get to. But in this state, I can't handle the real world, and that upsets me terribly.
Anyone know of good therapies to try to handle this (especially where I can keep the meds to a low as-needed basis, just if I absolutely hit rock-bottom and need that kick in the rear so I dont run away screaming, some things I have to put a brave-face on and handle, but i cant do it on my own).
I feel so helpless. I know i'm not alone and there are people there, but my mom is fed up with me and is no source of comfort, and because I have no control at school I feel weak and defenseless.
At the very least, I want this tightness in my chest to go away because its very annoying. Subconcious relaxing techniques would be nice to know too xD