Changing Meds, I am scared

[jones27]

I am 32 years old male. I have had a rough past 3 years. I suffer from GAD and Health Anxiety. I developed these a young age because when I was very young my mother was very sick with cancer (she recovered) and I had an alcoholic father who I was scared of.

Anyways I have always suffered from health anxiety for as long as I can remember. I can remember worrying about cancer every time I found a bump or swollen gland. I never really searched out disease symptoms but if there was something small wrong with me I would blow it out of proportion.

About three years ago I accepted an offer for a full time position at a place I was working part time at. I had lost my previous full time job about 6 months earlier due to the company selling. At this time I was also starting to have bumps and rashes showing up on my arms, legs, and chest. I didn't have health insurance and was very worried about what was going on. About two weeks after starting that position I experienced my first real panic attack when I was at a baseball game with my brother. I didn't know what was going on. I thought I was getting the flu. My head was spinning, everything around me was irritating me, I thought I was going to throw up and pass out. It passed. Then a week later it happened to me at work. I got scared and went home earlier. Called off the next three days.

I went to my doctor and she diagnosed the rashes as dermographism. Told me the panic I was having was anxiety from me worrying about it and prescribed me buspar and referred me to a counselling center. By the time I had gotten into the see a therapist (weeks later) I had been feeling better. However this therapist was bad and wanted to diagnosis me with everything. She told I might be bipolar (I am not), she told me I had OCD (I don't), and that only time would tell if my anxiety would come back... great thing to tell someone with health anxiety! I caused me to fall apart. It brought the fear back that I had forgotten.

So I became scared of my anxiety. Started to withdraw from nearly all social events. I experienced true depression for the first time in my life because of this and it has scarred me.

Now my health anxiety is all about mental health. I am obsessed with it.

I ended up being prescribed Luvox for my depression. I started at 50 mg and went up to 150 mg at the max. It helped get me through and for a while after I started feeling good again. But I have been flat with it. I don't care about my hobbies nearly as much as I used to. I never really get excited anymore. But my depression went away and on top of that my anxiety and health worries nearly disappeared for a while. But I never felt like myself so I always wanted to try and get off it.

Over the past 3 years my life has been in constant flux. I had lived in the same house all my life until the past three years. I even commuted to college. I have never been good with change. But in the past three years I have tried to better myself. I have switched jobs 3 times and have moved 4 times. This has been so stressful. The most recent change has me living an hour and half from home and working job that while I am making good money I dont really like. Also I moved from the country to the city and I haven't fully adjusted yet. Its been 6 months I still feel weird about everything and I miss home a lot.

Before I moved I had one last appt with my psychiatrist and she told me I could ween myself off the luvox if I felt up to it. So I did I went down to 100, had a little bit of trouble for a week or so, and then leveled off and felt good for a few months. After three months at my new place I decided to go to 50 with plans to stop. Since doing that my anxiety has been worse than it has ever been.

I sit at work in hell some days just worrying about my mental health, typical worries are 'I am getting worse', 'will I get suicidal', 'am I depressed', 'why am I not happy and comfortable with my life like me co-workers', etc! My attitude during this bad times becomes so negative and I get really down on myself. I go through cycles of 3 or 4 days, good then bad. The bad is starting to get worse though. I am starting to lose interest in everything. I am feeling more impulsive and negative.

I started CBT about 4 weeks ago. It is helping but honestly when my anxiety gets going bad I can't think enough to deploy any of the methods I have learned. I have also read Dr. Claire Weekes books and its much of the same, they help me when my anxiety is mild but when it ramps up I can't rationalize my mind enough to use them to any benefit.

Anyways today at my appt my new psychiatrist prescribed me Prozac 10 mg once a day. She wants me to start this weekend and I am anxious about it (shocker I know). I am to go down to half my dose of luvox for a week, so 25 mg, and then discontinue it. I am also taking 50 mg of Trazadone for sleep.

I am worried for a few reason. Side effects and horror stories I've read about online obviously. More rationally though I am worried that my anxiety is going to get really bad during this transition. It already takes all my will power to get through work and other responsibilities daily. I am also worried because I read it takes 6 to 8 weeks for the Prozac to start to work... I don't know if I can take another 6 to 8 weeks of this to be honest. I am afraid I am going to end up in the hospital and lose my job.

When I started taking the Luvox it started to help a few days into it. I remember feeling the same then too.. that if it took 4 to 6 weeks I'd end up in the hospital.

This is the most frustrating and challenging thing I have ever gone through :(

Thanks in advance to anyone who replies. I really appreciate it!

[gypsylee]

Hi and welcome :)

Are you still seeing the same therapist who made things worse?

The good news is that if Luvox worked for you it's likely Prozac will as well. The bad news is it can take weeks. I've said this before on here - doctors who prescribe SSRIs need to be aware they usually make anxiety worse and should be prepared to prescribe benzodiazepines at least while the patient gets used to the SSRI. I've been on and off this shit for 20 years and taking an SSRI on top of already bad anxiety is a nightmare so I always ask for benzos. Now I just stay on Prozac permanently so I don't have to go through that initial hell.

Anyway, hang in there. I know where you're at - when the anxiety/depression is so bad you can't think straight at all - and it DOES get better. You probably do need a break from work if that's possible? It must be awful going through this and having to keep showng up at work and trying to act like nothing's wrong. Is there anybody there who you can talk to about taking some time off?

You should find this place helpful at least. Being able to vent about this stuff goes a long way!

All the best,
Gypsy x

[Anne1221]

I think the Prozac is really going to help you. Just hang in until it kicks in. That's a really low dose. I took between 20 to 30 mg when I was on it but then again, I have a lot of anxiety. It makes some people sleepy but others it peps them up. It put me right to sleep but my friend had to take it in the morning. Weird.

[Kirk]

I agree with Anne1221.

[jones27]

Hi and welcome :)

Are you still seeing the same therapist who made things worse?

The good news is that if Luvox worked for you it's likely Prozac will as well. The bad news is it can take weeks. I've said this before on here - doctors who prescribe SSRIs need to be aware they usually make anxiety worse and should be prepared to prescribe benzodiazepines at least while the patient gets used to the SSRI. I've been on and off this shit for 20 years and taking an SSRI on top of already bad anxiety is a nightmare so I always ask for benzos. Now I just stay on Prozac permanently so I don't have to go through that initial hell.

Anyway, hang in there. I know where you're at - when the anxiety/depression is so bad you can't think straight at all - and it DOES get better. You probably do need a break from work if that's possible? It must be awful going through this and having to keep showng up at work and trying to act like nothing's wrong. Is there anybody there who you can talk to about taking some time off?

You should find this place helpful at least. Being able to vent about this stuff goes a long way!

All the best,
Gypsy x

No I stopped,seeing that therapist after 3 appointments. She was terrible. The one I have now is good but our appt feel a little disjoint without much direction but I think it's my fault I need to stop talking so much and changing the subject.

I can't get time off work. I have to be here for a full year before I get any pto. I just passed my 6 month mark this month.

Plus if I did take off I would be spending all day at home alone which might be worse than being at work, not sure.

I am feeling a lot better today about switching meds. I still am neverous about side effects and reactions. I hope my anxiety doesn't get worse on it at first since I am already on luvox.

Also benzos are not an option for me unfortunately, I have a long family history of substance abuse. My doctors won't prescribe them to me.

[jones27]

I think the Prozac is really going to help you. Just hang in until it kicks in. That's a really low dose. I took between 20 to 30 mg when I was on it but then again, I have a lot of anxiety. It makes some people sleepy but others it peps them up. It put me right to sleep but my friend had to take it in the morning. Weird.

With luvox I have to take it at night. Makes me sleepy. I heard the same with it, some ppl it wires others it makes tired.

Thanks so much for you reply! It helps!

Do you think since I was already on luvox the prozac will start working quicker?

I am really hung up on this 8 weeks thing. That seems like an eternity to me right now.

[Kirk]

I believe one does not have anything to do with the other.

[Anne1221]

Oh, yes, don't worry about the 8 week thing. I remember I had nothing in my system when I first started and I felt very good after 3 weeks. So you have some medication in you, so you will feel better in two to three weeks. Eight weeks just means to get the FULL effects, not just to start feeling better.

[gypsylee]

No I stopped,seeing that therapist after 3 appointments. She was terrible. The one I have now is good but our appt feel a little disjoint without much direction but I think it's my fault I need to stop talking so much and changing the subject.

I can't get time off work. I have to be here for a full year before I get any pto. I just passed my 6 month mark this month.

Plus if I did take off I would be spending all day at home alone which might be worse than being at work, not sure.

I am feeling a lot better today about switching meds. I still am neverous about side effects and reactions. I hope my anxiety doesn't get worse on it at first since I am already on luvox.

Also benzos are not an option for me unfortunately, I have a long family history of substance abuse. My doctors won't prescribe them to me.

Oh right yeah being on the Luvox should mean you don't get the horrible side effects from the Prozac. These meds are all very similar. 10mg is a low dose - I'm on 20 and you can go up to 40 (maybe even 60?)

Anyway, that's good you're feeling better about it :)

[lolfeg123]

Hi Jones

When an anxiety attacks strikes, one technique I found most helpful is listening to podcasts. In doing so this will make it easier for you to read your thoughts. How does this work?
If you are in a quiet room alone without any distraction, and an anxiety attack kicks in, you will find your mind wandering to negative intrusive thoughts - ultimately exacerbating your anxiety / depression. However, with podcasts you will find that your mind becomes preoccupied with it, and so the only thing you have to do, while listening to the podcast, is notice the sensations of depression and anxiety. Notice them as feelings of depression / anxiety come and go (this is a lot easier to do with podcasts in my opinion because it preoccupies your thinking - distracting you to some degree. Quiet places on the other hand seem to make the attack worse, or atleast for me. Also make sure to listen to something that intrigues you)
The podcast app is most helpful with this. Eventually, after focusing on the sensations (this may take a few minutes) you will be anxiety-free until the next attack hits. Repeat the same steps. Keep doing this and you will notice a decline in anxiety attacks. Medical science or psychology isn't my background, but this has in most cases worked for me. Good luck

[jones27]

Hi Jones

When an anxiety attacks strikes, one technique I found most helpful is listening to podcasts. In doing so this will make it easier for you to read your thoughts. How does this work?
If you are in a quiet room alone without any distraction, and an anxiety attack kicks in, you will find your mind wandering to negative intrusive thoughts - ultimately exacerbating your anxiety / depression. However, with podcasts you will find that your mind becomes preoccupied with it, and so the only thing you have to do, while listening to the podcast, is notice the sensations of depression and anxiety. Notice them as feelings of depression / anxiety come and go (this is a lot easier to do with podcasts in my opinion because it preoccupies your thinking - distracting you to some degree. Quiet places on the other hand seem to make the attack worse, or atleast for me. Also make sure to listen to something that intrigues you)
The podcast app is most helpful with this. Eventually, after focusing on the sensations (this may take a few minutes) you will be anxiety-free until the next attack hits. Repeat the same steps. Keep doing this and you will notice a decline in anxiety attacks. Medical science or psychology isn't my background, but this has in most cases worked for me. Good luck

Thanks,for the reply! I appreciate it! I do like to listen to podcasts and listening to music helps too. Unfortunately most of anxiety problems happen at work in a quiet environment. I asked my boss if I could have ear buds but she doesn't allow it. I can however listen to music at a low level.

I will try this on weekends when my anxiety is bad. I will some times use background noise like putting a sports game on the tv I am not really that invested in while I play my DS or write. It keeps my mind alert to listen for something exciting happening and I will also listen for the score. Even a movie in the background I like can help. When my anxiety is bad I have to try and have multiple things for my brain to focus on or my thoughts turn inwards and we all know how that goes!

[donna0099]

Hi I can so relate to everything you are saying..and I wholeheartedly agree with gypsylee , when I was on prozac ..( I am on Paxil now ) it only took 2 to 3 weeks to feel the change and it worked really great for a long time . I was on 20 mgs of the prozac also .. good luck with everything, you will be fine .. I love the quote " This too shall pass " because it usually does .

[jones27]

Hi I can so relate to everything you are saying..and I wholeheartedly agree with gypsylee , when I was on prozac ..( I am on Paxil now ) it only took 2 to 3 weeks to feel the change and it worked really great for a long time . I was on 20 mgs of the prozac also .. good luck with everything, you will be fine .. I love the quote " This too shall pass " because it usually does .

Thanks for the post! Its funny because this too shall pass is the mantra I use when I am meditating and i also wrote that on the title line of my journal haha!


Thanks for all the support everyone I am going to be taking my first dose tonight. I have been having an up and down day but I am not really worried about the meds now.

Thanks so much

[donna0099]

I have it on a bookmarker lol... chin up doll .. everything will be okay

[jones27]

I have it on a bookmarker lol... chin up doll .. everything will be okay

Thanks I appreciate the encouragement so much.



Well I have taken 2 doses so far. It makes me drowsy but I took it at night and actually used the side effect as a benefit as it helped me sleep through the entire night, which is a first for me in a few months :)

I do feel like I am floating but I remember this happening with the luvox when I first started it too. I also had an episode of intense anxiety last night while I was watching tv. It lasted longer than my usual bouts and came at a time that I was relaxed and not worrying. My chest got tight and started having racing negative thoughts. Took about 40 mins to pass.

I wish I could have the next few days off work while I get used to this, sitting in a quiet office all day is not the best thing for me right now. I don't have a choice though so i will just deal with it.

On the bright side I have noticed a lot more positive thinking and improved mood lately. I had a lot of fun at a Halloween party this weekend despite my anxeity. I felt like myself more than I have in months.

I also went and visited a family member in the hospital yesterday with out the typical anxiousness I have when I am in a hospital so I took that as a huge victory too. I was really calm the entire time I was there and even found myself joking around with her nurses and having a good time :)

[gypsylee]

Synchronicity :) (the whole "this too shall pass" thing). Hold onto that thought.

Sounds like you're doing better overall. The anxiety will come and go - just let it and don't fall into the trap of thinking "OMG it's getting worse! The meds aren't working!" etc. You seem to be one of us who responds well to SSRIs.

All the best,
Gypsy x

[jones27]

Synchronicity :) (the whole "this too shall pass" thing). Hold onto that thought.

Sounds like you're doing better overall. The anxiety will come and go - just let it and don't fall into the trap of thinking "OMG it's getting worse! The meds aren't working!" etc. You seem to be one of us who responds well to SSRIs.

All the best,
Gypsy x

Thanks I am having a bit of a rough night so reading your advice on not,falling into that trap is helpful. A bit of depressed feeling and worrying about becoming suicidal:(

I fall into that trap as well as letting myself think negatively when I feel good enough not to. I feel like I brought this mood on myself by not stopping my worrying about my meds when I could have. I also read an article today on the internet about celebrities who have committed suicide, I should have known better but its like I want to test myself to see if I can handle it 'like I should be able to' ugh. I am going to discuss this at my CBT appt tomorrow. I seriously don't know why I do things like that, I just want to be better and I think I need to test myself for some reason.

I just need to be more positive and not let the negativity in. Find the strength from within to be the person I want to be. I also need to trust my doctors,

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied in the thread. I appreciate all the support on my way to wellness!

[lolfeg123]

You are doing great. From my experience I couldn't even handle being on SSRIs on my first night. I became really agitated, didn't sleep and had severe mood swings, and so I had to stopped the medication.

[gypsylee]

Thanks I am having a bit of a rough night so reading your advice on not,falling into that trap is helpful. A bit of depressed feeling and worrying about becoming suicidal:(

I fall into that trap as well as letting myself think negatively when I feel good enough not to. I feel like I brought this mood on myself by not stopping my worrying about my meds when I could have. I also read an article today on the internet about celebrities who have committed suicide, I should have known better but its like I want to test myself to see if I can handle it 'like I should be able to' ugh. I am going to discuss this at my CBT appt tomorrow. I seriously don't know why I do things like that, I just want to be better and I think I need to test myself for some reason.

I just need to be more positive and not let the negativity in. Find the strength from within to be the person I want to be. I also need to trust my doctors,

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied in the thread. I appreciate all the support on my way to wellness!

I was thinking about the intrusive suicidal thoughts earlier.. I'm not sure how long you've been dealing with anxiety/depression but I've been at it for over 25 years now (that's since I was actually diagnosed with Major Depression). I just want to reassure you that no matter how depressed I've been (and there have been some pretty hardcore times) I've never even attempted it. I've been through phases where I didn't really care what happened and I was drinking so heavily I ended up in ICU with alcohol-induced Pancreatitis, but even as an active alcoholic I never attempted to end my life. I do know people who have though (and succeeded) and I often wonder what the difference between them and me is. I think one of the key factors is how willing I've been to talk about how I feel and to seek help. I mean the other month I fell off the wagon and got pretty drunk (and ended up extremely depressed) so I went and knocked on my neighbour's window and asked him if he'd come over and talk to me. I'd only met him briefly before that, so it was pretty embarrassing, but I was at that point where I didn't know what to do and really needed help. We've ended up becoming pretty good friends since then.

Anyway, yeah it's so easy to feel like you're back where you started (or worse) but you aren't and you just have to hang in there and try not to add to the anxiety/depression. I've been reading a book called The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris, based on something called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and he says that the vast majority of our thoughts are actually "intrusive". I used to beat myself up all the time thinking I brought my moods on myself but that just made things worse. You can certainly replace some negative thoughts with positive ones but ACT is more about just accepting the negative thoughts (because you will always have them) and "defusing" them ie not buying into them so much. In other words - "don't believe everything you think"!

:)

[jones27]

Thanks so much.

Well after 3 days I haven't had any major side effects. I have had drowsiness, dry mouth, and increased anxiety and obsessive thoughts.

The latter is probably just a result of me worrying about switching meds.

I don't want to make this sound like its been easy because it hasnt, yesterday evening after work I was a mess. I was crying uncontrollably and arguing with my girl friend trying to get her to take me to the hospital. I was just looking for an escape though I didn't really need to go.

This morning I tried to convince her to call off work with me because I was panicked about getting through work today. She wouldnt, I thought about calling off but she talked me into coming and I didn't want to be home alone all day.

I had a CBT appt today on my lunch break.

I am hoping this starts getting easier soon. Just wish I could have some time off work to help ease the stress.

[jones27]

Day 4. My boss sent me home early yesterday bc I wasn't feeling well, dizzy and jittery with increased anxiousness. I called off today with pretty much the same feelings just a little less strong, all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep though.

I feel more depressed than usual, I really don't care about anything right now. I wish I could just go to the hospital and be admitted until all the side effect and withdrawal symptoms pass. This sucks :(

[gypsylee]

So it's Day 4 of Prozac 10mg? (Day 5 by now?) But you were already on Luvox right?

It sure does suck that you can't get time off. I'm sure the pressure to be functional has a reverse effect. I was actually working at this casual job when I was first on Prozac and I remember feeling SO bad (even with Valium). This was when I was only 20 or so and I spent about a year feeling like I was one step away from a mental institution. I think I sort of got used to feeling like complete shit but one day after I finished work I remember thinking "hey I feel pretty good!" and that was the start of my first recovery. I'd tried all sorts of older anti-depressants with no luck but the Prozac definitely did something right. I say "first recovery" because that was definitely not the end of my anxiety story lol.

Anyway, let us know how you're doing..

[jones27]

So it's Day 4 of Prozac 10mg? (Day 5 by now?) But you were already on Luvox right?

It sure does suck that you can't get time off. I'm sure the pressure to be functional has a reverse effect. I was actually working at this casual job when I was first on Prozac and I remember feeling SO bad (even with Valium). This was when I was only 20 or so and I spent about a year feeling like I was one step away from a mental institution. I think I sort of got used to feeling like complete shit but one day after I finished work I remember thinking "hey I feel pretty good!" and that was the start of my first recovery. I'd tried all sorts of older anti-depressants with no luck but the Prozac definitely did something right. I say "first recovery" because that was definitely not the end of my anxiety story lol.

Anyway, let us know how you're doing..

Yea day 5 now. Felt good last night even exercised for 30 minutes. I am at work today just stewing in negativity and anxeity. It sucks. I keep having thoughts about walking out and quiting but then ill lose my health insurance. So I know its not an option. Its pretty bad that I fantasize going to the hospital just so I can have a break from all this and get better. I remember having the same thoughts the last time around before the luvox took hold. I just have to push through these days I guess and stay safe. I can see the benefits from the prozac already when I am not in a stressful situation but a little stress and my anxeity is through the roof right now.

Last night I played in an online card tournament for the first time in months and I found myself checking sports stuff on my phone this morning which I haven't cared about in weeks. I am still having lots of anxeity when I watch tv though. I watched a few episodes of cat fish with my gf yesterday and I felt panicky thinking of how those ppl function and feel good about themselves. Those are type of thoughts I am having the most problems with right now. It feels so unnatural to think stuff like that. I am not sure how I am going to accept them or if I ever will. I used to enjoy that show and I don't want to start avoiding things that'll just make my anxeity worse.

[jones27]

Day 6. I am having my best morning since starting prozac. I reread parts of my Claire weekes a book last night and realize d how I was not following her advice on acceptance. So I am not sure if i am getting used to the prozac or if my attitude has just improved from realizing my errors. Hopefully a little bit of both.

I need a new job. The one I am at just isn't working for me. I am going to start searching this weekend.

Last night was bad until I got a call from my sister. That lifting my spirits.

I think it was just how horrible I felt at work all day. I was really questioning if I could make it through another day till weekend.

I took my last dose of luvox last night. I am now just taking the prozac 10 going forward, hopefully my body doesn't withdrawal from the luvox. I don't want another week like this one.

[gypsylee]

I just realised you're the "Worry worry in my head do da do da" guy LOL. Just keep singing that!

But seriously I know what it's like when you're waiting for this shit to lift. Even that thing where you're watching TV and wondering how those people function - I do that ALL THE TIME. That's why I like shows like Orange is the New Black (because they don't function lol).

The thing is though, you never know what other people are going through and a lot of people are great at hiding how they feel. Because I'm on a pension I even wonder how people manage to go to work every day. Well I've been getting to know my neighbour the last couple of months and he works a "regular" job but he spends the rest of his time drinking. He's been to AA and stuff but hasn't been able to stop, so he actually sees me as the "functional" one because I have stopped. He's seen me fall off the wagon but for the most part when he sees me I'm completely sober. He even sent me a text one time saying "thanks for being a cool neighbour" which made me so happy (and it's definitely a friendship thing).

So another trick I use when I'm anxious or depressed is I look at my life from other people's viewpoints. I mean it's Saturday today and I'm feeling pretty crappy because of PMS (I actually need to make a post specifically for women!) but I'm not sitting here drinking, whereas my neighbour probably is. This is why one of my biggest peeves is people who make out on social media their lives are so awesome all the time. If people were honest we'd ALL be a lot better at accepting negative feelings but as social creatures we want to fit in so it's natural to compare yourself to others.

Anyway, you'll get there :) Then you'll have more anxiety at some stage haha, but just keep on singing!

:)

[jones27]

I just realised you're the "Worry worry in my head do da do da" guy LOL. Just keep singing that!

But seriously I know what it's like when you're waiting for this shit to lift. Even that thing where you're watching TV and wondering how those people function - I do that ALL THE TIME. That's why I like shows like Orange is the New Black (because they don't function lol).

The thing is though, you never know what other people are going through and a lot of people are great at hiding how they feel. Because I'm on a pension I even wonder how people manage to go to work every day. Well I've been getting to know my neighbour the last couple of months and he works a "regular" job but he spends the rest of his time drinking. He's been to AA and stuff but hasn't been able to stop, so he actually sees me as the "functional" one because I have stopped. He's seen me fall off the wagon but for the most part when he sees me I'm completely sober. He even sent me a text one time saying "thanks for being a cool neighbour" which made me so happy (and it's definitely a friendship thing).

So another trick I use when I'm anxious or depressed is I look at my life from other people's viewpoints. I mean it's Saturday today and I'm feeling pretty crappy because of PMS (I actually need to make a post specifically for women!) but I'm not sitting here drinking, whereas my neighbour probably is. This is why one of my biggest peeves is people who make out on social media their lives are so awesome all the time. If people were honest we'd ALL be a lot better at accepting negative feelings but as social creatures we want to fit in so it's natural to compare yourself to others.

Anyway, you'll get there :) Then you'll have more anxiety at some stage haha, but just keep on singing!

:)

Thanks everyone here has been such a big help.

I found out yesterday on the days I was really having it rough my gf took the time to contact one of my co workers on facebook to let her know about it so that she could keep an eye on me. That made me feel great that she would do that! She was worried I would be mad but it made me realize how much love she has for me. That was a huge lift and help relieve some of the worry I had that I was putting too much strain on the relationship.

Today is a week and I feel pretty good. I didn't sleep well last night because my one tooth was hurting so I am feeling a little off. I am having a lot of existential thoughts today though, which always cause anxiety with me. I am keeping it under control though, its annoying and I wish it wasn't there but I am not letting it stop me from participating in life,

Signed up for yoga classes I might go for the first time tonight and I am also going to take advantage of some unseasonably warm weather and take a nature walk later,

Hope everyone else has a great weekend!

[jones27]

Days 8 and 9 have been bad.

Today I am sitting at work stressed out of my mind I wish I could quit.

Ugh this so frustrating. Lots of negative thoughts about not wanting to live anymore :(

I don't think ill ever get better:(

[gypsylee]

Is work itself stressful or just being there is stressful?

[jones27]

Is work itself stressful or just being there is stressful?

When I am not sensitized the work itself isn't that bad but right now every little thing seems a million times harder.

Just being there in silence is the hardest thing though. The two ppl that work closest to me are decent ppl but they have negative attitudes. I feed off other ppl. Its a quiet office and my thoughts just run wild while I am there, I dred going everyday and I dred going to bed at night bc that means ill have to wake up,and go.

Before my anxiety got bad I didn't hate the job. I actually decided to sign on after my 3 months there with a temp agency.

I contacted an employment agency today to see if I could schedule interviews. I need to change my surroundings regardless. Even if my anxiety improves with prozac I want something different.

I don't know what ill do for insurance though. Everything through the temp agency is too expensive :( makes me feel stuck.

If my gf and I were married I could get on hers. I am planning on asking her to marry me soon too but I don't think she would want to speed it up just for insurance.

[gypsylee]

I know exactly what you mean - I'm very "empathic" and take on other people's emotions (or "vibes") a lot. If I'm anxious I can barely be in the same room as my mother. There have been times when we're just watching TV and I have to get out because I feel like I'll explode.

It's awful that in the US so much is dependent on having a job. I take for granted our health system and social security (even though it's not the best in the world). Your girlfriend sounds pretty understanding so maybe she'd be open to speeding up the marriage for insurance purposes?

[Kirk]

The USA has the best health care in the world. People from all over the world come to the US for health care as they know their best
chance of a cure or treatment is here. For example, here in Baltimore, we have one of the best hospitals in the world Johns Hopkins.

[Kirk]

In the US they have subsidies that help with health care, such as medicaid, etc. You can also get reduced health care coverage based on your income.
You have to know where to look for subsidies.

[Kirk]

I agree work can be stressful at times and I too have difficulty at times myself.

[jones27]

Update. Luvox withdrawal is worse this week. I for,lsent home from work the past 2 days and I am probably,not going in today. I have a dr appt in an hour.

Mainly I have an inability to concentrate and When I try I get so dizzy I vomit. I probably vomited 10 times yesterday

On the bright side the prozac has made improvements in my anxiety and depression. I have been able to watch tv and read without anxiety for the first time in a while. I actually watched a few episodes of greys anatomy with my gf last night, I usually can't watch hospital shows at all.

I also have remained calm about trump winning the election somehow haha.

Even though i feel like crap i am hoping that I start getting better soon.

[donna0099]

Things are turning around slowly but surely. happy to hear .

[jones27]

Things are turning around slowly but surely. happy to hear .

Yea,but I did the most impulsive thing I have ever done in my life and quit my job today.

I am not sure if i did the right thing or not but I felt like I could not perform up to my standards right now and it was putting a ton of stress on me.

[gypsylee]

How do you feel about that? I think it's great :)

[jones27]

How do you feel about that? I think it's great :)

I am still in dis belief that I did it I think. I feel a little guilt and shame. I am also worried about how much time ill be spending alone over the next few weeks.

I just literally couldn't do it anymore and they wouldn't give me a medical leave.

[gypsylee]

Try to avoid the guilt/shame and think of it exactly like some physical illness. They wouldn't give you medical leave so what choice did you have. I get a disability pension for this ("Major Depression").

How did your girlfriend take the news?

[jones27]

Try to avoid the guilt/shame and think of it exactly like some physical illness. They wouldn't give you medical leave so what choice did you have. I get a disability pension for this ("Major Depression").

How did your girlfriend take the news?

She is neverous about how we will make it money wise till I find a new job but other than that she has been ok with it.

She said she wishes I would've made it through this week and thought about it over the weekend. She doesn't understand completely and I have remind myself of that.

My mom and sister have been supportive. My neighbors too.

I think the major challenge for me now is to accept the guilt, fear, and uncertainty for what they are and not inject a second fear into them about depression and becoming suicidal.

[donna0099]

It was really stressing you out . You may find something that doesn't add to the stress . It doesn't have to be a job on the same level as your last one.. anything to keep you busy with less stress and get you out there hope things keep improving for you . You did the right thing .

[gypsylee]

I think the major challenge for me now is to accept the guilt, fear, and uncertainty for what they are and not inject a second fear into them about depression and becoming suicidal.

Yep for sure. I think it's courageous of you. So many people are absolutely terrified of what might happen if they leave their comfort zone (and for a lot of people that's their job). This is what my signature is about basically. Not that it's gonna be easy and you'll go through rough patches, but with the right attitude you can come out of this way better than you were. A bit like a butterfly emerging from a coccoon!

:)

[jones27]

Yep for sure. I think it's courageous of you. So many people are absolutely terrified of what might happen if they leave their comfort zone (and for a lot of people that's their job). This is what my signature is about basically. Not that it's gonna be easy and you'll go through rough patches, but with the right attitude you can come out of this way better than you were. A bit like a butterfly emerging from a coccoon!

:)

Thanks i went up to 20mg Thursday and my anxiety and depression have spiked. Idk if that's bc I quit my job or bc of the meds. Probably both.

I feel ok this morning though. Yesterday was bad, my mind felt blank for part of the day. I had a lot of suicidal worry and I was convinced I was going to have to be hospitalized.

I calmed down by evening though and just relaxed with my dog on the couch all night. My girl friend was watching 90 day fiancee and I had my typical anxiousness watching the drama as i have been experiencing. Oh well I think I am starting to just accept it as a symptom of my anxiety. Maybe it'll go away some day, maybe it won't. Either way I am stuck with it for right now i need to stop making a big deal out of it.

My girl friend took a week of her vacation to be with me. This is the first time we have ever had time off together.

I am gonna start looking for a part time job this week. I dont think going right back to full time is a good idea.

[gypsylee]

You seem to have a bit of a phobia of being hospitalised? I used to as well, I think, but I never have in 20+ years of severe anxiety/depression. What is this "suicidal worry"? I think you mentioned that before?

[lolfeg123]

Jones, I highly suggest listening to podcasts that captivate (or at least come close to captivating) your attention every time you get anxious / depressive thoughts. Simply just put your head phones in, sit on the balcony / porch with your dog, and look at trees (nature) moving as you're listening to podcasts. This will get your mind off things even if you are still feeling the physical sensations from anxiety and depression. Let me know how this works out.
Also, do you, at times, feel emotionless as if you're a 'walking zombie'? I know that when I was on Paxil, I felt like that very eary on and so had stopped it.

[jones27]

You seem to have a bit of a phobia of being hospitalised? I used to as well, I think, but I never have in 20+ years of severe anxiety/depression. What is this "suicidal worry"? I think you mentioned that before?


I dont know that its a phobia, I just want to get better and I feel like I am a burden to my loved ones right now. So I would rather be hospitalized then holding them back.

I worry that ill get suicidal. This weekend I had a lot of thoughts about how it would be easier for every one and myself if I were I dead and things like that. I have been pretty down on myself lately.

Good news is that last night went well. I felt like myself from about 5pm on. Played xbox, looked for jobs, and was playing with my dogs. This morning my depression symptoms are back but I expected it so I am just rolling with them. It'll probably be a while till my mornings get better and I have to accept that, plus I've never been a morning person.

[gypsylee]

Yeah it must be horrible for men because you're meant to be the "strong" ones, so I can see how there would be additional guilt and shame there. Your girlfriend sounds pretty supportive though. Do you have kids as well? (Sorry if you already said so and I've forgotten). Noone would be better off if you were dead, whether or not you have kids :(

I'm much more of a night person than morning (or afternoon) person too. Dogs are cool.. I was thinking yesterday how animals can be really helpful when you're feeling down. I can't have dogs where I am and I'm not much of a cat person, so I have bearded dragons lol. They're like reptillian dogs! I also have semi-tame possums and cockatoos who come sit on my balcony.

[jones27]

Yeah it must be horrible for men because you're meant to be the "strong" ones, so I can see how there would be additional guilt and shame there. Your girlfriend sounds pretty supportive though. Do you have kids as well? (Sorry if you already said so and I've forgotten). Noone would be better off if you were dead, whether or not you have kids :(

I'm much more of a night person than morning (or afternoon) person too. Dogs are cool.. I was thinking yesterday how animals can be really helpful when you're feeling down. I can't have dogs where I am and I'm not much of a cat person, so I have bearded dragons lol. They're like reptillian dogs! I also have semi-tame possums and cockatoos who come sit on my balcony.

Nope no kids yet. Yea my girl friend is amazing, I love her so much.

I want to be a dad some day though. I love kids. I would just like to get my anxiety in check first haha!

I have two shin tzu dogs and they are great. Some times they stress me out when they are bad but they more than make up for it.

I felt well enough to exercise tonight and I also called my sister and talked on the phone for an hour or so. I am feeling pretty good tonight!

Looking forward to tomorrow and getting back on my feet. Our neighbors are taking us out for dinner. And I am hoping to apply to a bunch of jobs. I also have to go to mall. So I am going to get a lot of acceptance practice in tomorrow bc all those things induce anxiety for me!

[gypsylee]

Well that's something to look forward to (kids) muahahaha! ;)

Good luck tomorrow. It's those kind of things that make a really big difference for me because my anxiety is very much social.