I can't accept it!!!

[salvator here]

This is the problem, I just can't, I wish I could!!!

Everyday that goes by I'm reminded that trusting other people is a big mistake, but I still do. I still believe that there are real people out there, but the wold is fake. Everything I believe and understand is totally incorrect. The times in the past that I was happy were based on my understanding that people were exactly what they seemed and portrayed, however they are everything but.

I was real and always tried to be a honest person with a good heart, but this has changed and I am sour and bitter now. I hope my future will be unlike my past and I will be able to never need to rely on other people anymore. Trouble is, I don't think I can do this and I don't really want to. I know what this says about me, but I will go down with my faulty belief system.

I know this makes little sense and Its truly how I'm feeling now. I feel torn apart and lost, but I will pick up the piece and try to put together something for myself. It won't be much, but maybe I can be at least settled and content with the outcome.

I think this will be my last posting and if I continue on seeking support from other people, I will only offer little truth and depth into my soul and only show the mask I decide to wear that day.

I haven't the slightest idea of how to carry on, but I will just struggle until I can not anymore I guess. I think its just too late for me but maybe this will change. Its beyond anxiety and depression now. Its just acceptance now, and I don't see this happening for me. I loved my fantasy wold and only wished I could have created this for myself, its nothing at all like this reality.

Nothing left other than continue to be " be me" I guess.

Edit:

I didn't even try to fix all the errors, just needed to get this out as is; raw! Not fishing for help on this one either, its just me and me alone in this life, maybe I prefer it this way going forward, honestly.

[Ponder]

I can't offer much myself, except to say I hear ya man. Is good that you were able to share as you did, and share so well.

Take whatever time you need. No matter how many worlds are shattered, we always have the potential to create more ... no matter how incapacitated we may be.

Sincerely
~Dave.

[gypsylee]

No matter how many worlds are shattered, we always have the potential to create more ... no matter how incapacitated we may be.



Right on :)

[salvator here]

Sorry it took so long to reply here; been rough going :(

Thank you Ponder and Gypsy :)

No need to reply!

[Kirk]

Living in isolation is really no way to live. Their are good people out their who you can trust and get along with.
You will find them and you will see things will turn in your favor. Talk things over with a health care professional.
It may take time, but you must not give up.

[salvator here]

I hope so Kirk, that I would ever be able to trust people again. I want to believe there are still people out there that I can relate to, but I feel its me against a cruel world now. I'm a bit odd now and don't fit in with any group or community. Not sure, but somewhere along the line I started to view socializing as a painful chore. I do agree thought living in isolation is unhealthy and can bring on mental issues (which it is indeed done). I've become even more socially awkward than ever and I rarely even leave the house now. Don't get me wrong though, I cherish my own company and there are times (most of the time), I would not want to have to deal with people, but I started to head towards dangerous territory in this current state I'm in.

One a good positive note, I have an appointment in 3 weeks and I do plan to tell my doctor everything I'm dealing with. I can't make any promises, but its a step in the right direction I suppose.

[salvator here]

Well...it's been a while, and I truly wish I could say things have been better for me, but nothing could be further from the truth.

Yep, just as expected, I never made it to the appointment, I just lied and canceled it. It gets much worse from there; though. I've been hospitalized 2 times since I've posted here and I wish I could tell you I'm doing better - but again...:(. I just don't have the strength to even go into it now; but I will when I can.

I just want to say a very special a heartfelt thank you to gypsy for reaching out to me, I'm sorry I've been so withdrawn but its just how its been lately and I tend to totally isolate myself and sometimes go weeks without even speaking to anybody at all.

I just don't have the words today, but wanted to let people know I've never forgotten the support I've received here from everyone that ever took the time to reply to anything I've written here.

Love you all and lets just hope things somehow improve this year - Yes I do still have hope AND I REALLY MEAN IT!!

I'll probably wind up starting a new thread at some point since this title is so negative and don't want to start the new year of on that tone.

PS - 1 good thing that has come from everything I've gone through since you've last heard from me is I'm totally sober from alcohol.

[gypsylee]

Hey you're welcome :) I totally understand the self-isolation so don't worry about that.

That's great re the alcohol.. Hang onto your sobriety. I've had many days where not drinking is my biggest achievement.

[Kirk]

I am sorry to hear you are still feeling so poorly and are isolated. One good thing however, is that you are sober from alcohol.
I hope you get back on the road to recovery soon.

[salvator here]

Thanks so much guys :)

[Spider666]

This is the problem, I just can't, I wish I could!!!

Everyday that goes by I'm reminded that trusting other people is a big mistake, but I still do. I still believe that there are real people out there, but the wold is fake. Everything I believe and understand is totally incorrect. The times in the past that I was happy were based on my understanding that people were exactly what they seemed and portrayed, however they are everything but.

I was real and always tried to be a honest person with a good heart, but this has changed and I am sour and bitter now. I hope my future will be unlike my past and I will be able to never need to rely on other people anymore. Trouble is, I don't think I can do this and I don't really want to. I know what this says about me, but I will go down with my faulty belief system.

I know this makes little sense and Its truly how I'm feeling now. I feel torn apart and lost, but I will pick up the piece and try to put together something for myself. It won't be much, but maybe I can be at least settled and content with the outcome.

I think this will be my last posting and if I continue on seeking support from other people, I will only offer little truth and depth into my soul and only show the mask I decide to wear that day.

I haven't the slightest idea of how to carry on, but I will just struggle until I can not anymore I guess. I think its just too late for me but maybe this will change. Its beyond anxiety and depression now. Its just acceptance now, and I don't see this happening for me. I loved my fantasy wold and only wished I could have created this for myself, its nothing at all like this reality.

Nothing left other than continue to be " be me" I guess.

Edit:

I didn't even try to fix all the errors, just needed to get this out as is; raw! Not fishing for help on this one either, its just me and me alone in this life, maybe I prefer it this way going forward, honestly.

You cannot control other people (obviously), you can only control your own reaction to other people's behaviour. Work on just observing the world as this crazy video game you've been dropped into. It's not easy, but if something out of your control is bothering you, you have to fight all you can towards not focusing on that as something personal, aimed at you.

[salvator here]

Thank you, spider666, and welcome to the forum :)

I greatly appreciate your insight there!

I do still feel this way (somewhat), but I will say this much, things are starting to turn-around for me slightly since last year when I posted this. I was in a dark place when I posted this. I'm nowhere near where I want to be (yet), but I feel I've made some good changes and I'm trying not to give people so much power over me as I was (clearly) doing. Again, I like your parallel between seeing life as a video game - could be helpful going forward.

I would still love support from other members here even if for distraction purposes, if nothing else. I've decided to start off this year with a fresh outlook on things, so I've created a new thread titled: "Trying to 'Get A Grip', and although I got off to a rather rough start with it, I'm going to keep it going now as a journal and hope it will be of benefit to my recovery.

Take good care and thanks again :)

[salvator here]

Today was really rough for me. I tried to not allow myself to focus too hard and allow the feelings to pass, but I was not successful. They ended up getting the best of me and although they have (somewhat) passed, I'm still feeling raw. I was able to walk around today for about 1 hour and it was hell. I'm back here in this thread because I'm reminded each and every day how fake this world is. I would never again trust people enough to open up - not talking on this forum - in real life I'm referring to. I can no longer tell apart that fine line between truth and lies anymore. I don't fit in. I just don't! Never will! It was bad today and the worse day by far since my discharge from the hospital. I'm completely sober, and while its good to be able to put 2 thoughts together again, I'm also seeing even more ugliness, sober, than while inebriated. I don't get people. Just when I think I could give it another go and begin to be social, something always hits me and pummels me down. I was ultra paranoid all day and hyper aware of my surroundings and nervous and jumpy and it was very noticeable. As I sit here though, I'm trying to figure out how to be happy without needing people and the fake facade they portray. As hard as I try, I just can't be fake (in a fake world mind you). Its not that I'm unhappy being a longer, in fact, when I embrace the solitude and wipe it out being social altogether, I'm perfectly fine. What is getting me again, is, when I start to give in and desire to be social again, this causes me only pain and suffering and leaves me questioning everything about myself and it sucks. I didn't used to be like this, far from it actually. Circumstances brought me to this point and it didn't happen overnight, so it won't go away overnight either. I hope things change someday (sooner rather than later)..

I'm sorry for going on and on again and not making any sense, but I just feel awful!

Sorry!

EDIT: Ahhh well...tomorrow's another day, must just "Shake It Off" ~ Taylor Swift

[gypsylee]

Hang in there Salvator! I'm hibernating today reading a book again :)

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." --Jiddu Krishnamurti

[Kirk]

For me if I stay inside I feel worse, but if I go out and do things I feel better.

[barbimay]

hope you feel better soon Salvator! I also pray the right people come your way. Do you have family close by? I am having a tough day too...

[salvator here]

Thank you so much guys :)

Nothing at all wrong with spending a peaceful day with a good book and a cup of tea (earl grey would be my personal choice while reading).

I've been getting out everyday and I do feel its helped me. I agree staying cooped up in the house only adds to the problem. I take a fairly safe route to where I need to go, and usually I don't bump into too many people on the walk. I want to walk everyday to get out and for the excersize, and eventually start running again. I spent most of the later part of last year (almost) totally sedentary (in bed extremely depressed), so this year I hope to regain my strength in my legs and overall balance on my feet and feel good about myself. Taking care of myself on the outside has helped me feel better on the inside.

As far as family, I don't have a really close relationship with family; but even though this may sound strange I'm totally fine with it.

I do hope there are still people I can relate to out there IRL, but I do have some changing to do myself. Should these people cross my path, I would need to open enough to even recognize this opportunity. I'm pretty closed off and have bad trust issues so we'll see. As I say, I'm just fine being a loner and would settle for fair weather friends at this point. I have managed to start conversations with the cashiers when I go for coffee. One things that has boosted up my self-esteem, is, 3 people commented to me lately that I seem brighter and more alter. I decided to go ahead and tell them the truth for a change, and I admitted I got sober. They said is really shows, so this supports/reinforces that positive change is happening.

[gypsylee]

I make sure I don't stay cooped up for long but I do love staying in and reading with a cup of Earl Grey.. Jolly good stuff old chap! ;)

[barbimay]

Earl grey or Orange Pecoe tea for me with a couple of freshly baked scones with jam and cream! Tea anyone?:D

[Kirk]

My wife reads books. I use my eyes all day for close work, so my eyes are tired, plus I probably don't have the attention span to
read books anymore anyway. The most reading I do is for work or on the internet after work.

[salvator here]

It takes me a very long time to read a book. I however don't read novels anymore, the last one I got through was in high school for the same reason; my attention span is short. My mind wanders to other things (not always bad things). I usually read books that are easy reads, you know, that ones that pretty much explain over and over what is going on and even go over it at the end to sum it all up Lol :D

I do love coffee, but tea much more and all types. Earl Grey, English Breakfast and Irish Tea almost everyday upon waking. Orange Pecoe will work but I need to doctor it up a bit with either vanilla extract and spic, maybe some brown sugar depending. Believer it or not, the cheapest tea from the Family Dollar Store is really good with 2 tea bags. Also good made with milk and cinnamon/spice. I also do drink green tea with honey and I notice a difference in my energy and thinking ability. There are still some herbals I want to give a try someday. They are not easy to find even at the grocery store. I remember when they used to sell Kava tea and it indeed worked for anxiety, but I only see it online now.

Anyway..

Not much planned other than quickly walk my daily short exercise routine in about an hour. People aren't usually out at this time. I woke up refreshed after about 6 quality hours of sleep for a change, yesterday I felt spacey all day due to only 3 hours and I didn't go out at all yesterday. I can let 1 day go by without feeling guilty. Looking forward to the Grammy Awards tonight.

[salvator here]

Got so much worry inside lately, I've been keeping it bottled up and I can feel it building and building. The last few nights I been getting pain again in my lower back and and legs. It not physical, I know it's anxiety manifesting itself again, just as happened in the past.

Its been a full month sober and my body still feels something missing, I don't have cravings in the classic sense, but I feel lost and without direction. I'm not looking for other people or a pill to give me this, I know it will have to come from me. I've mostly relied on myself to get through life and I known if I get out of my own way, I could pave a way to the future. I think I've learned all I can from my past experience and it was full of broken dreams and disappointments. I was conflicted and painful and I can't go back an get a re-do.

Lately, I've been revisiting old memories that should have at least faded by now, but my mind keeps track of all the unresolved issues that can never be logically resolved; I need to move on and don't know how. I find myself searching for answers as to why I'm stuck but nothing seems satisfactory to answer my questions. It would be really easy to start thinking there is some spiritual cord connecting me to these old people and situations from the past, if I allow myself to, I can even feel it. I don't truly believe this though. People aren't that complex, everyone is just going through their own motions. They are not hanging on as I do to the past. Its wasted energy. Knowing that, I can't keep blaming others for my situation, it comes down to me now. It doesn't set well with me that I (still) see others moving on quite well that played a huge part contributing to me being in this situation. I've been lied to countless times and had the wool pulled over my eyes and wasn't able to face reality at that time, and yet, they're getting rewarded for their behavior and it burns me up . Because I don't know how to stand my ground, I remain almost totally closed off and would never trust people again. Maybe someday, but I need more time to heal apparently. I never wanted to become a deceiving person, my own family did that for far too many years and they have not changed at all. All smoke and mirrors and adolescent games (both word and mind games) that will not help my in my recovery. I don't stand up to them either, but I also don't play into the games either. They know I'm on them and its the elephant in the room when I have to be around them

Still struggling each day with what I'm going to wake up to. Going to bed each night with fear and outrageous anxiety about various things. I'm still trying to push aside the looming medical bill that still have not come in yet. Supposed to go and talk to the patient advocate at the hospital to explain my situation but I just haven't had the drive to do so. It won't help and I know that - been there and done that already. I'd have to get caught up in a broken system here in the US and it won't be pretty. I've seen how that happens to people and some never fully recovered. Their lives became a revolving-door cycle in and out of the hospitals and I don't want that, if I can help it anyway. The fatalistic side of me is screaming that this is IT and its just too late, but I must fight it until my last breath.

Ahhh.. just needed to get this out I guess. Writing here has done wonders though. I don't have any outlets in real life or (reliable) family or friends to count on. I can't change my family and its a bit too late anyway now. Group therapy only made things worse and I am not interested at all. Even AA didn't help me but that was man years ago, so I won't take it off the table.

That's it and I've already worn myself out typing just this. In real life, it gets so bad that I became muted and paralyzed. It all gets to bee too much at times.

[Kirk]

I don't read books either, as my attention span can be pretty bad at times too.

[salvator here]

Yeah, same here. I purchased some word search workbooks that I think might keep my mind active. After I stopped working (well over a decade ago) and just sat around, I think my mind because weaker and I started to lose my ability to think 'out of the box'. I need to get my brain work working again. I find video games helpful in moderation. I do go out almost everyday now even when I would rather not just for a short walk to the market.

Yesterday, while at the store, I was talking to the cashier that I've known for years and years I don't feel awkward around her because she knows practically everything about me and I trust here for the most part, so I can just be ME - whatever that might be that day and she don't judge. She has so many struggles herself and is very sad and lonely, and I can very much relate. She said she will die a bag-lady and I told her I will also wind up homeless on the street. She is 64 (I think) and not a soul come to visit her EVER. Somehow we got to talking about cooking and I admitted that I don't know how to cook unless you count opening up a box of kraft macaroni and cheese and adding milk and butter HA! Or, ramen noodles and TV dinners the microwave. She offered to come over and teach me to cook. She said she don't cook either because she is alone and has no reason to cook being alone. She then said she always hoped to get married and her eyes began to tear up. She once again said she will dig out her cook books and have us get together. I walked out thinking I would be so nervous as I've not had visitors in many MANY years. I thought about it and went back in and said I'd like to have her come over and teach me some basics. I guess It would do us both good. I feel like she would be helping me, but more importantly it would make her feel useful knowing she is helping me. So I will give this a shot, what can it hurt?! We've talked so much the the person behind me in line was getting impatient with us in fact.

So I think this was a step in the right direction.

[salvator here]

I'm even going to leave the typos, its shows I'm human with raw emotions and it reflects in my writing ;)

One more thing, I should be cautious, because her and her son don't speak and she's called me honey (in a motherly way), and I also don't have a close relationship with my own mother. So you see what that could turn into if not careful. I don't know that definition or word - surrogate family member or something.

See.. I make what should be so simple and natural into something way too complicated by over-thinking everything.

[gypsylee]

Keep writing :)

I have a very close friend in Europe who I've emailed constantly for 10 years. She's a Masters in Linguistics and her English is immaculate (even though her native language is German). So that keeps me on my toes and we even read books "together" and discuss them. The brain really is like a muscle which you have to keep exercising.

Not to mention the therapeutic value of getting thoughts out of your head. You write well, Salvator, so keep at it! I often read posts even if I don't respond and there are lots of lurkers on here, so you never know who your audience is (and who you might be helping without realising).

[martin05]

I have a very close friend in Europe who I've emailed constantly for 10 years. She's a Masters in Linguistics and her English is immaculate (even though her native language is German). So that keeps me on my toes and we even read books "together" and discuss them. The brain really is like a muscle which you have to keep exercising.

Oh, she sounds nice.

[salvator here]

Thanks Gypsy, it is cathartic for me. I'm not educated so I just write from the heart. It must be nice to have people to write to from around the word and communicate with and she sounds awesome. Yes, I did delete a posting from last night because I said something I wanted to retract as I didn't feel comfortable. Although it would be nice to have online friends again, I've had several bad experience communicating via email only as I don't even use social media other than forums. Its hard to explain without just saying what the (specific) issue with email is and I don't feel comfortable doing so on here, so I'll just say this: if its meant to be, it will happen naturally. I could go on and deeper but I keep trying to do so only to retract it afterwards. Just not ready yet to put trust in people; maybe someday!

Hi Martin05, hope all is well with you :)

Got my morning walk in today and I was huffing and puffing for some reason today and had to take breaks. My asthma was acting up again and that didn't help. I ate a good and healthy breakfast today as well. Whats bringing me to feel compelled write here again, is, I'm way over-thinking during my walks and allowing negative thoughts/feelings to get the best of me again. I keep running that endless broken record in my mind of things people (deceitful people) told me and although their advice was mostly wrong and unhealthy for me, I find myself settling and allowing myself to almost accept it as fact/reality. It sad to admit though that much of it is likely to be my truth for my remainder of time on the planet. I think there is still 10% chance they meant well with what they said, as well as medical professionals advice I've received over the years, what they said was during times of despair form their side at time and I should've (still should) keep that in mind, but sometimes I can be more sensitive and impressible. I should consider getting headphone or earbuds so I can listen to music while on my walks to avoid getting lost in negative thinking.

Let me start a new paragraph as I've sort of lost my train of thought again but I want to leave the above as is.

It would be too humiliating to just admit what I'm skating around here, but I feel I'll take some things to my grave and never be able to let out things that still burden me emotionally. I will have to bury my past, as its for the best really. I've only touched on it on specific forums but even then its just a taste of what I'm dealing with. I hope someday I can (truly) move on with my life and not carry this needless baggage in my shoulders. I'm troubled by this though and I feel in some ways, the train has left the station for me and it too late; regrettably. Okay, enough of this right now as its triggering me (slightly) into a depression so I will not focus on it anymore for today. I could think about it all day and never reason it out logically, so I have to limit its time. For anybody reading/lurking, I'm sorry to be so vague at time, but I'm only human and still struggling myself. That being said.. if something I say/write helps others in even some small way, I will feel like this was worth it to me and its not just wasted typing.

Trying to focus on the future. Still writing here in "I Can't Accept It" because I'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that that world (and people) are not as it seems. Lost of smoke and mirrors to me, and I never learned how to play 'The Game'. I know its not good to just brush everything I don't understand off as "Fake". But What (really) is "Real" and "Normal" anyway?! However that is how I feel at the at this point in life. If what I'm seeing out there is normal, I'm not at all interested - I'm consider myself to be an individual and wish I didn't care so much about what others think/feel. I'm still learning and hope I can figure things out before my time it up.

[salvator here]

But I also don't want a life of total isolation either. I don't know what to do?

[Ponder]

You seem to have your own masters degree when it comes to writing salvator.

Isolation is a sore point I have been dealing with of late. It need not always be that way however it's not feeling so expansive of late.

Like you Salv ... I'm also not sure what direction to go in but one thing that I do know that helps; is to keep moving regardless of not knowing. Most of my insights come to me when I am doing/being rather than thinking.

You got a good tone going on with your writing salvator. That and laying down one's words as they naturally come I find suits journal writing very well. Self Reflective Writing - Self Soothing. There is no education that can be given or acquired when it comes to writing from the heart. I will however give you 10/10 because of how refreshing it is to read likewise text.

I don't know either man ... but thanks for the read. :)

[Kirk]

Sometimes the abilty to write effectively has nothing to do with education, but with talent, skill, and practice.

[salvator here]

Thank you Ponder and Kirk for your kind words and support, I shall just keep on keeping on regardless of a foreseeable destination/goal/outcome (what else to do), keep going through the motions I suppose.

[salvator here]

Words are escaping me right now and I feel mentally distracted and a bit disjointed bit not too upset, however I need to get this out despite of this.

Woke up early today and got off to an early start. Morning began well and lasted throughout afternoon fine and made for a nice evening, as well. A Family member insisted taking me to a movie theater to see ~John Wick: Chapter 2~ since its all I've been talking about as of recent and I loved the first movie. I reluctantly decided to go since its been ages (I kid you not) and I figured I should try again as I've come along way since having anxiety and panic in a theater, and even then, it wasn't really unbearable the last time to my recollection. 5 minutes into the movie I felt an attack coming on and excused myself to use the bathroom to pull myself together and went back to my seat. Another 5 minutes I was noticeably anxious and fidgeting in my seat. Needless to say; we decided to get a refund. I was pretty bummed out and discouraged with myself. However, we salvaged the night by going for coffee and walked around a book store like it was no big deal at all (and it truly was not a big deal at all). I will just buy the DVD when it comes out.

So.. I need to work on this and figure out why this accrued and I WILL overcome this. I think it was a combination of the very loud sound [sensory overload] and feeling trapped in middle isle seats. I must try again but insist on seats and the end of the isle and more toward the back. I was also paranoid about the people sitting behind me and I could not relax because I did not trust them.

I'm okay though and this gives me intensive to work on this so I can try again less those preventable distractions.

Good day overall and I'm at least proud that I even considered trying something out of my comfort zone.

[salvator here]

For some reason yesterday and today the agoraphobia has been getting the best of me again and I couldn't walk yesterday. (unless you count pacing back and forth all day in the hallway lol) Tried but didn't make if very far and today I MUST fight it an force myself. Each day that goes by it just gets worse and worse that I don't go out. Picked up a cheap AM/FM radio with ear buds for only $9 and this may help of the negative thinking/spiraling starts to get out of hand. Usually I'm showered and dressed by now, but still sitting in pajamas. Must fight this today and get coffee at least.

Glad I avoided posting much yesterday because I was feeling uneasy all day (a bit grouchy). The Day didn't end all that well for me, but I woke up much better and ate a good breakfast. Some of the fears and worries from yesterday seemed to lesson so I'm relieved to say the least.

The only road I need not to travel today is "Memory Lane". Its become unhealthy for me rather than just simple reminiscing. The past sucked and I've learned all I can from it, but don't always catch myself until its too late. Trying to bury it but it always seems to crop up again. Having trouble still seeing any future for me, but as its been said here, just keep on keeping on even (keep moving) even devoid of clear direction/destination. I do still have dreams and desires but them seem unattainable to me, but I will not let go of them regardless.

Realizing just how alone I am in this life and while its at times cold and lonely, I'm not capable of much at the moment so I AM able to embrace the solitude and appreciate it better. if I just relax and not worry about other people. Some of the time I don't feel lonely at all and nothing has changed from that previous day when I was feeling invisible, so it shows me its within myself.

Amway.. need to get going here and just do something and get some fresh air.

[Ponder]

Hi Salvator. Nice work on acknowledging what's not working but then moving on and riding with what does; even if it's just going through the motions. I woke up at 2:30am and can't get back to sleep. I myself will just be going through the motions today making a few alterations but doing what I can to stick with what works for me. I have a slight injury that I need to ride out + life can get a little mundane from time to time. I'm thinking of throwing in an new and easy goal to mix things up a little.

All the best ridding things out. ;)

[salvator here]

Another one of those days/times I'm just stuck logging in and out trying/struggling to post and just keep closing the browser because it makes no sense. Woke up with enormous anxiety over everything (racing thoughts, looming hospital bills, general paranoia). I thought I did a reality check and sorted it out and prioritized some (which I did), but still overwhelmed by it all. At least I've put at the top of the list what is going to be essential over the next few months.

Regrettably been traveling down memory lane far too much and its only bringing me more suffering. Must find a way to catch it and avoid continuing to follow the dark road that only leads to destruction.

I'm getting frustrated with myself lately. Sitting here so scattered and lost and can hardly type. If it weren't for spell check every word would be a typo.

Wow...typing and hitting backspace over and over. Just wow?!?!

Must shower and get dressed at least and see if things improve. I can't allow this to take me down today, must remain very alert and conscious of the signs and fight it.

At least its quiet this morning, just that way I need it to be right now. I'm alone and grateful Just Couldn't be around people right now.

Okay.. Just Breathe..

[salvator here]

Nostalgia is unhealthy for me. Trigger nightmare.

[salvator here]

Made the mistake of watching politics early this evening. Our commander and chief will soon repeal the Affordable Care Act. No clear answer as to what will replace it (if anything at all), could be back to no insurance again. I should just shake it off as I'm completely broke. My credit is shot to hell anyway and I don't own anything, i can't afford the looming medical bills I'm already expecting. So.. Let em' sue me then!!

"“you cannot get blood from a stone”

[gypsylee]

I've been sleeping this afternoon (had a full-on stressful day yesterday) and I nearly always wake with anxiety :(

I don't really have financial problems, thank goodness, but my family situation causes me a lot of anxiety. Yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of my brother's death and it always highlights my parents' issues and makes me feel so alone (I only had one brother). Mum got drunk and rang Dad and it didn't go that well. I tend to take on the role of peacemaker and feel responsible for everyone and it's quite traumatic when it's your parents. They're both coming to my place tomorrow and I can't say I'm looking forward to it.

Meanwhile my daughter is 800ks away in another state and she's the only one I WANT to be responsible for but my ex has had his way for 15 years. Please don't even mention the legal system. She messaged me last night and said "it isn't fair how things have turned out for you" and reassured me when she's 18 she'll come back to Melbourne and see me lots. That was the highlight of my day but I still sat there crying (like I am now).

I often feel like this world is all back-to-front and my family life is no exception *sigh*.


With regard to your difficulties posting, it really does just take practice. Putting feelings into words is hard, no doubt about it, especially in a culture that tells you emotions are bad and wrong (even more so for men than women). Sometimes I have to listen to hardcore music for a while before I can express myself.. It's a cathartic process.

Thanks for the space to vent x

[salvator here]

Not a problem; feel free to vent anytime at all :)

I find that sleep is the best medicine too. I slept really well last night so I feel much better able/capable of handling whatever crap lives deals me today. I feel I'm in control of my mind today rather rather than fighting it like those other times. I'm sorry you wake with anxiety though, hope that improves at some point, terrible way to start any day.

I'm sorry for what you've been through losing your brother; and in the way you lost him. I wish you all the strength you'll need to keep it together when they come to visit you.

I guess that is both tears of joy and sadness within regard to your daughter spending more time with you. I wish you all the best on that situation as well.

I'm normally pretty good at putting my thoughts into words, but lately I've found myself stuck. I guess I (for the most part) know why and that is good at least. I find being on the forum helps me in two ways. Partly in the words people use, and also, seeing the way people interact with each other as well. Its a form of socializing still and I see people in here trying to co-exist together while not being in total agreement in regard to ideas/philosophies. I realize that didn't make perfect sense, but I was lacking the right words there, but I think you know what I mean. So, I will try to see how I can apply it to real life (as I do with the advice given to me here) and hopefully learn tools to deal with social situations.

Yeah, have to be careful with music too. Up there I mentioned nostalgia as being bad for me. Most times listening to music is the air I breathe. Other times though, old music has me remembering old memories and becoming wistful and all the regret, sadness, jealously, bitterness and vengeful feeling come to the surface. I'm not that type of guy; not at all. This has been happening far too much and the only person being consistently hurt is myself and myself alone. I try to catch it and put songs on my list that I should not listen to any longer.

Okay.. time to get things going here and prepare for my walk today. The numbness makes things a bit tricky. Its my back giving me trouble again. It comes and goes. A almost scalding hot shower always helps my back. I really hate to take things like Ibuprofen so I only would use it during those times when I can't move at all.

Now to the LOL Moment! We'll have much more time to talk when we Get A Room as suggest in another thread! I don't know, it would be the first time for me, could be awkward LOLOL :D Could listen to music and have a pillow fight maybe?!? Oh well, yeah, the only thing we would be doing is talking! LOLX10 :D

[Ponder]

Hoping you had anothers nights good rest and to another good day Salvator.

One way around the music issues when I go through similar thing is to find new tunes. For me I prefer more ambiance than most anything else. I also went through a stage where could not handle music from my past. Although of late I've been having some good luck with refiring neurons that makes me feel good. Just remembering what it's like to feel those positive chemicals of just being young - some songs rejuvenates me but I am careful not to ware those songs out on my playlist.

[salvator here]

Thank you Ponder.

"Refining Neurons".. I really like that :)

Music stirs up so many emotions in me, its expected to have it also stir up negative emotions as well as good. I listen to just about everything so I'm always listening to new music. Almost everything and anything. Sounds Strange, one would think listening to upbeat cheerful music would promote positive emotions and dark music would have the opposite effect; not with me. Sometimes upbeat music can make me sad, and dark music bring me comfort.

Anyways.. I'll try to focus on what's important. Today was productive and I didn't sit still for long. I would hardly say I was content and at ease though. I'll have plenty of time to write about it later if I can't reason it out and settle it withing myself before the day is over, but all-in-all, glad I didn't sit and stare at the TV all day. I think I may need to give myself a break every now and then. I won't come up with the answers everyday and solve everything. I'm very hard on myself and impatient.

You know its taking you too long to try to word everything when the site times you out and you need to log in again (twice on this post) LOL. I've been once again typing and hitting backspace. Just can't quite find the words so maybe later.

Might just chill for the rest of the day.

Edit: Okay just logged out and not a second later this came to mind so I'll post it. Some days (today for instance) while walking my walk to the market and goodwill, I felt invisible again. Its manageable most of the time since I try not to draw attention to myself anyway while in public. However, today I was giving it more thought than it deserved again. I will say hello to people if they walk right by me and don't usually expect people to respond back (and of course they do not). I just see it as being courteous. On the way back home I reasoned it out (for the most part) and told myself this is how it needs to be right now, I can't handle (deal with) people right now during this stage of my recovery. I was struggling to keep my head up and maintain my posture. I Felt insecure and slightly paranoid and my body language gave it away. The dark glasses help with the eye contact problem. I really hate to say this, but I must. Walked by the liquor store as I usually do and was remembering why I used alcohol to cope. As I've said on another thread, most of last year was a blur and I was just numb. Won't go back to that again; I can't!

Still have moments when I feel I lose a bit of time and soft of black out for moments. I take the same way back and forth so I can almost retrace my steps. Today on the way home I was having difficulty remembering every step on the way there. Mostly I can remember what I was thinking earlier when I retrace myself steps. Oh well, I've always done alright on auto-pilot

[Ponder]

The walking gets better when routine becomes way of life. I find myself capturing my tone ... as well as others when passing by. Sometimes a simply nod or smallest of gestures will do. Depends on how I and the others feel. If you keep this new and healthy lifestyle , you will notice the same people as they do you. Early mornings and evenings I find people more relaxed and seemingly in tune. I started off my walking all well meaning, but to be honest have had a mix of emotions whilst out and about that it would only be fair of others to see me as someone with multiple split personalities. It's kind of like a purging process of dealing with deeply rooted stuff that comes out when I least expect it. I'm much better now that I have kept up the challenge of walking, exercising and so on. Still happens from time to time, but now I can see it in others which kind of helps me relax and appreciate others for the troubles they too have.

Making the effort to soften my eyes, fake a little confidence and just give a small genuine uninvasive nod/gesture helps me keep on track with regards to holding myself. Whilst doing so, the other morning some bloke tensed up and came up with a very deep "How ya Going Mate!" to which I just softly replied ... "not bad thanks..." I was pleased that I did not go all toxic to the Alpha Male Domineering body langouge and tone I was hearing when this gent projected the way he did and that even better I was comfortable with my soft response. I gained a little confidence that morning as I tend to project negatively to such ockerism as is known in our culture here when varioius people meet -

Is hard to put into words actually Salvator ... Just saying that the nodding and saying hello can be just as healing as the walking if we go about it the right way. It certainly can be very off putting at times and why I always sort out very secluded spots before I bothered walking the streets. Picking times like 4am helped ... but in time I got better and now like I say ... most people know me well enough and in some respects, I feel respected for just being a regular waling the beat ... so to speak.

Anyways ... thanks for the space in your thread man. Just really like the way you talked about your walking and wanted to share.

Take care brother. :)

[gypsylee]

Oh LOL@"get a room". PC is about 14yo so he's all hormonal and excited. After that post he went and had his own "hotel room" in his parents' basement HAHAHAHA.

[EmilyPineda36]

best of luck to you my friend

[lyme]

if you can keep a secret then eventually all will be left are happy memories. Merry christmass. Those are the best secrets watching people unrap presants. Lying is ok too. You make yourself through what others preseive you are too. im watching tv and keeping quiet

[Matthew Tweedie Anxiety]

This is the problem, I just can't, I wish I could!!!

Everyday that goes by I'm reminded that trusting other people is a big mistake, but I still do. I still believe that there are real people out there, but the wold is fake. Everything I believe and understand is totally incorrect. The times in the past that I was happy were based on my understanding that people were exactly what they seemed and portrayed, however they are everything but.

I was real and always tried to be a honest person with a good heart, but this has changed and I am sour and bitter now. I hope my future will be unlike my past and I will be able to never need to rely on other people anymore. Trouble is, I don't think I can do this and I don't really want to. I know what this says about me, but I will go down with my faulty belief system.

I know this makes little sense and Its truly how I'm feeling now. I feel torn apart and lost, but I will pick up the piece and try to put together something for myself. It won't be much, but maybe I can be at least settled and content with the outcome.

I think this will be my last posting and if I continue on seeking support from other people, I will only offer little truth and depth into my soul and only show the mask I decide to wear that day.

I haven't the slightest idea of how to carry on, but I will just struggle until I can not anymore I guess. I think its just too late for me but maybe this will change. Its beyond anxiety and depression now. Its just acceptance now, and I don't see this happening for me. I loved my fantasy wold and only wished I could have created this for myself, its nothing at all like this reality.

Nothing left other than continue to be " be me" I guess.

Edit:

I didn't even try to fix all the errors, just needed to get this out as is; raw! Not fishing for help on this one either, its just me and me alone in this life, maybe I prefer it this way going forward, honestly.

Your thinking is right from your prospective but all people are not the same. You might need a reconsider you’re thought to take positivity in you. You can start from now to change your attitude, it can help you in future.

[domainer]

Best one. Do everything you need in life