Hello, new here today

[shahram72]

Hello all, I have been posting on a yahoo group before this, but the group email format is very cumbersome and hard to track messages. Glad to have found this site and I am very familiar with the bulliten board format as I subscribe to many for my other interests and hobbies. I don't have any particular phobias or diagnosed conditions, but suffer from anxiety and resulting depression off and on. I've been like this and unhappy for years, probably my whole life I think. I am male, married, 33 years old and have an 18 month old Son, so I do not have the luxury of calling myself disabled, although I definitely feel that way sometimes. Many factors trigger my anxiety, and I do have real problems, but here's what I've been dealing with lately; It's been a horrible 2005. I moved my family from Florida to South Carolina and left behind a good job (that I absolutely hated and worsened my condition) to come here and start a new life. I moved away from all our friends and family. My father-in-law was supposed to have some temporary work for me to keep me busy while I get on my feet here. He said he would keep me busy. The guy did nothing all year and had no work for me. He helped out greatly on our house here, but not where my family really needed it. I went to get my real estate license and am currently doing that. Not making much at all and that causes lots of anxiety. Not having money or work and increasing debt really killed my drive and self-confidence. I felt as if I could do nothing. Then one day we took our Pug dog to the vet and he died from a severe allergic reaction to the shots. This caused much additional stress and anxiety on my wife and I. This dog was our first child. Finally went to hospital one night with severe depression, and they gave me Zoloft, which made me worse. Then I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer and had to go through surgery to remove my thyroid and then radiation therapy. Luckily, it's a curable cancer and I'll likely be fine, except for the financial ramifications. I can't remember the rest right now, but that's the major stuff. It was definitely the most difficult year of my life. Currently take Xanax .5mg occaisionally as needed to sleep, searching for alternate ways to help and heal myself. I don't want to go on permanent medication. Who can afford it anyway? $100 a bottle? Hope to learn more and maybe help some others here with what I have learned. I feel very stupid as I have caused all of my problems(except for the cancer). I used to think I made good decisions, but now question all my thoughts.

[Bridgie]

Shahram, so glad you found us. Welcome to the forum. You shouldn't blame yourself for trying to create a better life for your family. Sometimes things just don't work out like we want them to. I'm sure you are feeling the anxiety because of all the stress on you right now.

I'm sorry about your dog, and sorry about your cancer. I hope things get better for you, just keep at it and hopefully things will improve. And in the meantime, we are all here for you!

:console:

[shahram72]

Thanks. I am trying my best and cannot give in. We did get a new Rescue Pug a couple weeks ago. He is 3 years old and gets along well with my son. This was mainly for my wife, however, who gets lonely at naptime and at night without the dog. I was getting used to the idea of not having a dog. While I do enjoy the dog, it's not the same as before and now I have another life to care for. I'm trying to clear my head so that I can work toward fixing my problems. It's hard to find motivation at times. My wife kind of understands, but sometimes she gets mad at me about why I am depressed. I saw a good movie some time ago. Sideways, I think it was named. I relate to the depressed character in that movie. I even have friends like that. Except that I have a family, and that guy did not. But I feel like a failure in the same way. One scene really affected me, near the end of the movie where he is talking to his ex-wife, and is trying his best to be positive, and finds out she is pregnant by her new husband. Only those of us who have this condition truly understood what the character felt. The next scene shows the wedding party leaving the church and everyone is turning right to go to the reception, and this character turns left. I truly understood that action. I have friends that I really like, old friends, some I've had since I was eleven, that I cannot face anymore because I feel so ashamed of myself. They are all so sucessful and I have jumped from job to job and tried and failed. I am surrounded by sucessful people and my whole life I thought I woudl eventually be like them, but have come to the realization that mediocrity is the best I can hope for. I have deluded myself for years, decades, my whole life I think. I have learned, however, that happiness has to come from within, and cannot come from the status of outside circumstances. My father, actually, is a Surgeon, and that's what I wanted to be, but of course a wishy-washy, ADD child like myself didn't have a chance. I am most ashamed in front of him and really don't like talking to him much, not because he makes me feel ashamed in any way, but I am embarrassed for him, to be his son. They never pushed me into anything, but expected me to perform in anything I did, like any good parents would do. I usually perfomed fairly to poorly, rarely well. I would at least like to enjoy life again, something that I cannot say I have truly done in a long time.