Guilty Pleasures

[Petty Joke Dysfunctional]

I sit and write this with stacks of trash
surrounding me like barriers covering this shit-stained rug that ties the room
together. I would turn my attention deficit to cleaning
obsessively~ as I could, the opposite would occur.
No matter what I do, I just make things worse.
I've thought of this room as the inside of my head, slowly gathering
random crap to keep me alive, but lately, I've wondered,

why?

I've almost died five times in the past two years.
Three of them were overdoses, one was a mugging.
The latest was a gun pointed at the back of my head
under the freeway. As time has gone by, I've grown
distant from everyone and everything. My friends warned me to be
more careful out there, so I don't leave the house much for their sake.
You might think this is silly, but almost every time I leave the house,
something crazy happens. I attract the attention of dangerous people
almost 90% of the times I go outside. I call it bad luck,
but no matter how it's rationalized, I blame myself and this
distance.

While I guard my life
the best I can, I've had to comfort myself.
Too many times it was okay to die, I've had a pretty good life.
I couldn't be upset with the outcome, because we all go
eventually. it may have been my turn all of those times.
It's been a numbing experience for much longer than
two years, but it wasn't until after I was almost shot in the head, I realized
I really didn't care what happened, and lately, I've wondered,

why?

It's easy to write I seek tangible safety, but when I unintentionally became
danger myself, there was no safety anywhere. I rationalized
my way out of the house everyday. As far as I am concerned about my fears, I think
about how this boundary has effected other parts of my life. So far,
as logical as a robot, I haven't found any problems
other than my lack of empathy.

I won't allow myself to connect with others (or myself) on any emotional level.
How I was raised, how I've denied myself this entire layer of living
just for the sake of surviving. It wasn't until yesterday that I understood why
I couldn't cry if I tried, couldn't be angry, couldn't let love in, and couldn't let myself be happy. I worried
I wouldn't be able to reclaim what I stole from myself, but I knew
if I wanted my life back, I would have to work at it.

The past four years were a blur, I don't remember much because
there was nothing to tie myself to. People come and
go, things get broken and bought, money is found and
lost. It was too easy for me to distance myself from it all, because
I would never get hurt
again. No words could touch me, nobody could hurt my feelings, I was invincible to everyone
but myself.

Now that I sit here with my house of trash built around me, wondering

Why did it take me so long to understand that I need an emotional compass to find my way home?

My first feeling: Frustration.

[gypsylee]

Hi there :)

Well this is interesting. My brother died of a heroin overdose (on top of benzos and anti-depressants) in Feburary 2014. It was accidental I'm pretty sure but yeah he went fishing one night and was found the next day with a needle still in his arm. We didn't know he was using anything, let alone heroin (though he did have a history of opiate use).

He had a tattoo covering his entire back -- a picture of the Tree of Life, with "As Above - So Below" across the top. It freaks me out because he is now "above". I've had beliefs for a long time that would best be described as "shamanic" even though I was raised by two strict Atheists. Those beliefs are even stronger since my brother's death and I think people "go" when they are meant to. I don't think it's random.

So in response to your post I would say you are still here for a reason. I have absolutely no idea what that reason could be and anyone who claims to tends to be a charlatan in my experience.

Anyway, welcome to the forum,
Gypsy x

[Kirk]

Welcome to the forum. I honestly believe connecting to others enhances ones life and so I would make the effort to do
so as I believe it will also help you.

[Petty Joke Dysfunctional]

Hi there :)

Well this is interesting. My brother died of a heroin overdose (on top of benzos and anti-depressants) in Feburary 2014. It was accidental I'm pretty sure but yeah he went fishing one night and was found the next day with a needle still in his arm. We didn't know he was using anything, let alone heroin (though he did have a history of opiate use).

He had a tattoo covering his entire back -- a picture of the Tree of Life, with "As Above - So Below" across the top. It freaks me out because he is now "above". I've had beliefs for a long time that would best be described as "shamanic" even though I was raised by two strict Atheists. Those beliefs are even stronger since my brother's death and I think people "go" when they are meant to. I don't think it's random.

So in response to your post I would say you are still here for a reason. I have absolutely no idea what that reason could be and anyone who claims to tends to be a charlatan in my experience.

Anyway, welcome to the forum,
Gypsy x

Thanks for the welcome

I often affirm the denial of affirmations (hypocritical as I am) I sit on the fence for the most part,
I've been through a wide range of perspectives, and my favorite so far is, "I believe I do not-not believe in..."
It can go on forever, or it can shortened, but that's where I'm at on everything. Checkers or Chess? Red or green? God or not?
but even if there is a range of shades between black and white the question would turn into "Black or grey? Grey or dark grey?"
It doesn't end.

If I had to strip away the tangible, I believe my purpose is to learn and teach; however, I will never know a higher power's purpose for me, because I don't believe we can truly know each other's intentions or a higher power's intentions.

The idea I see behind Christianity, is separating the body from the soul, and the soul not being the person's, but God's, and that all our thoughts are borrowed. It's very similar Socrates' recollection. I often look at it as separation from the ego (which I did a long time ago) and it can be bliss because of the complete control over emotions, but it's also having a split-mind all to yourself. It can be dangerous, insightful, and very lonely because you ARE everything and nothing, like an energy hose taking and giving and giving and taking. You just exist and don't. This comes with the idea of fate. to me, it feels like being a puppet.

[Petty Joke Dysfunctional]

I feel like I'm on fire every moment of the day. I don't know if many know much about this, but it's like not being able to shut your thoughts off, rest, or sometimes communicate clearly even if you've got clear thought behind what you are saying. I've made a lot of people very frustrated because of the miscommunication. The thoughts move so fast, that when you give a response or an answer to a question, its five miles down the road and the connection is missed by the other person. It's given me a real appreciation for the intentions of others and realizing nobody's intentions are truly clear to anyone but themselves because everybody likes to wear their favorite lenses.
I digress.

I see roots in learning to relax, and there are many different ways to do that, but they all have something attached to them, control. I've rationalized myself out of grades (pfft, all of this subjective crap for a piece of paper?), empathy (I don't care if I hurt anyone's feelings), embarrassment (I don't care if I look like a damn fool, I love it) and it shows me that I need to learn how to conform to other's standards better than I do. Not be a push-over, but more accepting for the lack of a better word...

and maybe if I have more faith in other's than I do-- I become more trusting-- I will learn the control (lack of wanting control) I need to extinguish this fire.

[Petty Joke Dysfunctional]

...and Silence came in first place by running
up on a ribbon as sad as Sweat wins thirst
before ...and?

After I met the Question Mark's choke on-air,
...and careless as sealed lips answered, I was less
amazed to confide:

Isn't this vain to ask why?

...and why does Silence before ...and
after beg to meet that mark?
Forgetting everything just said,

But means more than

Nothing at all.

But who minds?

[Petty Joke Dysfunctional]

Well, I was just mugged two hours ago for the second time in two years. This time by gunpoint. I still don't know what to think about any of the situations I've mentioned other than how precious our lives are and how fast they can be taken away. I don't know if anyone out there is listening to me, and I don't know anything about God. I can't pretend to know where we go when we die, and I can't pretend to always be brave when I am not. All I can do is breathe.

[gypsylee]

Geez, that's awful.. I'm "listening". I hadn't read your other posts though until now. I like your writing :)