Feeling hopeless, dread everything. Don't know what to do?

[feliciann]

Hello I'm new to this forum...I have no where to turn to so here I am. Time's have been really hard for me... I just don't know what to do or how to move forward. I am 21 and came from an abusive home and had a pretty horrific ex who used to abuse me and control me. I turned to alcohol and started jumping from home to home at 19. At 21 I met my boyfriend around the time I was about to be homeless, we didn't plan to be serious at first just help one another out at the time but we couldn't deny our feelings. We moved in after a bout 2 weeks of knowing each other and I was still dealing with my alcohol issues that I guess I didn't consider issues. I would drink become belligerent and black out most of the time. Well I realized that I had an unhealthy habit and it was going to split me and the only person who cared about me genuinely apart. So after about a few weeks we made an abrupt moved to florida for a fresh start. He thought it would be good for him and me. I thought the same.. I only lived up north so this was a big change. Plus I've only dated one person, who beat me and messed with my head and I just met this guy and were moving from maryland all the way to florida. It was a lot.. When we arrived to florida I became even worse. I've always had bout of anxiety, occasional panic attacks, and depression but not as debilitating as now. So as soon as I felt like I could possibly loose him the panic attacks started happening and the derealization/depersonalization. Severe dissociating that made my panic attacks even worse because I felt like nothing was real I wasn't real and I developed an obssession with death and scared to die or if he dies and that one day we will both die and there is nothing I can do about it. So then this spiraled into every day life. I began having them even worse in cars, and stores and around a lot people. So I avoided being outside but I would get them anywhere in the house to no where I felt safe I would just think I was dying all the time, couldn't breathe heart would race. The panic attacks really sprung up from my alcohol hang overs and carried on to daily life. I hyperventilate to the point my arms go numb and paralyzed. It's terrifying...Been to the hospital a few times for it. Well things started getting better once I found xanex (no prescribed) I would only take a .5 whenever I really needed it and this was a miracle for me. I started working became excited about life. But they started loosing affect and i felt i need to use more to feel better. Well I decided to go out and drink with a girl from work(stupid me) ended up getting arrested for getting crazy and they found 1 xanex on me so now I have a charge for that. I also wear an alcohol monitor... Which I know I cannot drink because it is just not more me. So the only thing that would help me(xanex) but not really in the long run I can no longer use. I havn't tooken it for about a month. I feel almost worst then before. I have no health insurance to get medical to seek a therapist until hopefully they will approve me for disability. I tried working since all this happened but I feel so physical ill its unbearable. I can barely eat I start to feel sick I have acid reflex from everything I sleep most of my days away. My head is foggy and hurts so bad from pressure headaches its hard to concentrate most of my thoughts consist of misery and dread, and how am I going to go on much longer. I just want to lock myself in my dark room forever and not exist. Nothing makes me happy I find joy in absolutely nothing. I have severe PTSD that I feel causes this...I feel like something is wrong with me everyday. I obsessivley look up health issues to find whats wrong because I genuinely feel like something is wrong with me..I try to pretend like I'm okay but I feel like I'm rotting inside. I have constant anxiety and still try to cope with these panic attacks I always trying to find ways to get better but I feel like nothing is concrete my boyfriend is frustrated and feels like he cant help me and is giving up..I'm giving up on myself. I don't know why its so hard for me to be happy. I just want to happy in side my self. I just want to be able to do things everyone else does. I'm just always so nervous and sick and going out is terrifying people terrify me, life terrifys me. I just don't know how to get out of this hole... I would really appreciate so input and help from people who suffer from this like. If hell had a description it would be what I feel everyday of my life.
Edit;
I also suffer from horrifying night mares everynight where I wake up screaming or crying because I cannot reach my boyfriend or we split and I cannot find him... I had the same night terrors around the end of me and my abusive ex's splitting. I noticed the anxiety started when I got with my current boyfriend. We also spend a lot of time together like me and my ex not because he is controlling but because we are still new to florida and don't want to end up in the wrong crowd. We are moving up north next year to be around better company. I feel overwhelmed and scared to disappoint him a lot and a lot of guilt because his mother was an alcoholic and ending up commiting suicide. I am a lot like his mother and I fear of hurting him or loosing him. When I am with him I'm scared to fully express myself a lot my ex used to degrade me and not let me be myself.. I'm scared he won't like me or find a fault and pick it out..its like he is a trigger but now my life is a trigger. Its like all I can think about is him him him. When he expresses things to help me or trys to give me advice I almost shut him out its like I don't understand why I do these things. OR why I have anxiety and I'm not sure how to overcome it..

[gypsylee]

Hi Feliciann and welcome :)

Sometimes I honestly think this planet is a hell for somewhere else lol. I'm not even joking really but I have to laugh or I wouldn't survive. If I'd had a 100% method of suicide I would have done it by now for sure (kind of glad Australia has strict gun laws, although I've heard even guns aren't 100%). But I'm still here for some strange reason - my brother isn't - he ODed on heroin in 2014 at 33yo and he was the "normal" one! Some days I really feel like he got off easy and when I hear about the suffering in this world I think objectively he did.

I don't have any answers or great advice. I still struggle with bad anxiety and depression at 43yo but I'm better than I was. I drank so heavily I destroyed my pancreas at 35 and need insulin for the rest of my life. It was a bit of a blessing in disguise because alcoholism itself is a living hell and it makes anxiety/depression about fifty times worse (apart from maybe a few hours of relief).

Anyway you really aren't alone with this and I hope you find some comfort here.

Hang in there..
Gypsy x

[feliciann]

Hi Feliciann and welcome :)

Sometimes I honestly think this planet is a hell for somewhere else lol. I'm not even joking really but I have to laugh or I wouldn't survive. If I'd had a 100% method of suicide I would have done it by now for sure (kind of glad Australia has strict gun laws, although I've heard even guns aren't 100%). But I'm still here for some strange reason - my brother isn't - he ODed on heroin in 2014 at 33yo and he was the "normal" one! Some days I really feel like he got off easy and when I hear about the suffering in this world I think objectively he did.

I don't have any answers or great advice. I still struggle with bad anxiety and depression at 43yo but I'm better than I was. I drank so heavily I destroyed my pancreas at 35 and need insulin for the rest of my life. It was a bit of a blessing in disguise because alcoholism itself is a living hell and it makes anxiety/depression about fifty times worse (apart from maybe a few hours of relief).

Anyway you really aren't alone with this and I hope you find some comfort here.

Hang in there..
Gypsy x

Hi thank you! I agree I think about that all the time...and I think so to! I always think though about the people I would hurt even though it wouldn't be many. I'm sorry to hear about your brother! At least he's at peace. Alcoholism really is awful it runs in my family and it still takes a lot for me to conquer it, its just an easy way out for a little bit but in the long run no good.

and I'll try. :)

[Anne1221]

My sister and her husband have no money because she can't work and she found a clinic that doesn't charge her anything and they have helped her so much.

[KyleK87]

Hello I'm new to this forum...I have no where to turn to so here I am. Time's have been really hard for me... I just don't know what to do or how to move forward. I am 21 and came from an abusive home and had a pretty horrific ex who used to abuse me and control me. I turned to alcohol and started jumping from home to home at 19. At 21 I met my boyfriend around the time I was about to be homeless, we didn't plan to be serious at first just help one another out at the time but we couldn't deny our feelings. We moved in after a bout 2 weeks of knowing each other and I was still dealing with my alcohol issues that I guess I didn't consider issues. I would drink become belligerent and black out most of the time. Well I realized that I had an unhealthy habit and it was going to split me and the only person who cared about me genuinely apart. So after about a few weeks we made an abrupt moved to florida for a fresh start. He thought it would be good for him and me. I thought the same.. I only lived up north so this was a big change. Plus I've only dated one person, who beat me and messed with my head and I just met this guy and were moving from maryland all the way to florida. It was a lot.. When we arrived to florida I became even worse. I've always had bout of anxiety, occasional panic attacks, and depression but not as debilitating as now. So as soon as I felt like I could possibly loose him the panic attacks started happening and the derealization/depersonalization. Severe dissociating that made my panic attacks even worse because I felt like nothing was real I wasn't real and I developed an obssession with death and scared to die or if he dies and that one day we will both die and there is nothing I can do about it. So then this spiraled into every day life. I began having them even worse in cars, and stores and around a lot people. So I avoided being outside but I would get them anywhere in the house to no where I felt safe I would just think I was dying all the time, couldn't breathe heart would race. The panic attacks really sprung up from my alcohol hang overs and carried on to daily life. I hyperventilate to the point my arms go numb and paralyzed. It's terrifying...Been to the hospital a few times for it. Well things started getting better once I found xanex (no prescribed) I would only take a .5 whenever I really needed it and this was a miracle for me. I started working became excited about life. But they started loosing affect and i felt i need to use more to feel better. Well I decided to go out and drink with a girl from work(stupid me) ended up getting arrested for getting crazy and they found 1 xanex on me so now I have a charge for that. I also wear an alcohol monitor... Which I know I cannot drink because it is just not more me. So the only thing that would help me(xanex) but not really in the long run I can no longer use. I havn't tooken it for about a month. I feel almost worst then before. I have no health insurance to get medical to seek a therapist until hopefully they will approve me for disability. I tried working since all this happened but I feel so physical ill its unbearable. I can barely eat I start to feel sick I have acid reflex from everything I sleep most of my days away. My head is foggy and hurts so bad from pressure headaches its hard to concentrate most of my thoughts consist of misery and dread, and how am I going to go on much longer. I just want to lock myself in my dark room forever and not exist. Nothing makes me happy I find joy in absolutely nothing. I have severe PTSD that I feel causes this...I feel like something is wrong with me everyday. I obsessivley look up health issues to find whats wrong because I genuinely feel like something is wrong with me..I try to pretend like I'm okay but I feel like I'm rotting inside. I have constant anxiety and still try to cope with these panic attacks I always trying to find ways to get better but I feel like nothing is concrete my boyfriend is frustrated and feels like he cant help me and is giving up..I'm giving up on myself. I don't know why its so hard for me to be happy. I just want to happy in side my self. I just want to be able to do things everyone else does. I'm just always so nervous and sick and going out is terrifying people terrify me, life terrifys me. I just don't know how to get out of this hole... I would really appreciate so input and help from people who suffer from this like. If hell had a description it would be what I feel everyday of my life.
Edit;
I also suffer from horrifying night mares everynight where I wake up screaming or crying because I cannot reach my boyfriend or we split and I cannot find him... I had the same night terrors around the end of me and my abusive ex's splitting. I noticed the anxiety started when I got with my current boyfriend. We also spend a lot of time together like me and my ex not because he is controlling but because we are still new to florida and don't want to end up in the wrong crowd. We are moving up north next year to be around better company. I feel overwhelmed and scared to disappoint him a lot and a lot of guilt because his mother was an alcoholic and ending up commiting suicide. I am a lot like his mother and I fear of hurting him or loosing him. When I am with him I'm scared to fully express myself a lot my ex used to degrade me and not let me be myself.. I'm scared he won't like me or find a fault and pick it out..its like he is a trigger but now my life is a trigger. Its like all I can think about is him him him. When he expresses things to help me or trys to give me advice I almost shut him out its like I don't understand why I do these things. OR why I have anxiety and I'm not sure how to overcome it..

I just stumbled across this site and I'm not really sure how to make a post or anything but i typed panic and I saw this. First I'll say I'm truly sorry about your situation and that I agree with the one answer this being a hell for somewhere else. I Started living in group homes and foster homes slash open custody when I was 13 started smoking cigs and marijuana at about 14-15 then started drinking heavily from about 18-25. started slowing down but still every other day at this point. got my first panic attack at about 20 maybe 21. for 2 hours felt like I was going to have a heart attack and die if I stopped moving so went into panic mode I guess and kept with it. It was from the weed I guess. when I was about 21 my friend who has since passed RIP gave me a clonazepam which I was reluctant to take at first. My mental history is astounding talking bout seeing a psychiatrist at the age of 5 and being medicated for all sorts of things. Anyways the Clonazepam did what it was supposed to and I started getting them off her as she barely took them. only when she needed to. 2 years later I got a perscription saving me having to get them off her or buying them on the street. Im 29 now and I am a completely different person. I panic every single day all day it seems and it's not getting better. I take 1.5 mg of clonazepam 3 times daily now because my tolerance just kept building up but I can easily take 6 and be content. I also abuse lorazepam as they will not prescribe me both. I know I need to make a change but I dunno how or where to begin. any help would be greatly appreciated. I don't even know if this is grammatically correct or if I even typed in all the information I needed. I cannot even sit still anymore. being still or moving around or doing anything really makes me severley uncomfortable like I'm not in my own skin and that if I don't pace I will die. I am overwhelmed by everything :( I am 9 days sober from alcohol today and it's a real bitch after using it as an escape for so many years. I just thought I'd reach out to get some help. having panic attacks that make me feel like I'm going to die every second of the day is unmanageable. I need serious help as I've tried to come off the benzos unsuccessfully everytime. any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time.

Kyle

[alwaysgrow]

How are you doing today? It breaks my heart to read all that you have gone through! You mentioned that you don't have any insurance to help pay for counseling. You can discuss your situation with a Focus counselor at no cost to you if you are interested. Their number is 855-382-5433. I haven't used them for your specific issue, but I do search their website a lot for helpful info when I have issues to deal with. There are people who can help you get through this, don't give up. I am praying for you today!

[metal4life]

Welcome Feliciann!
I think i know the reason you have anxiety or hard times expresing yourself.
Your last boyfriend treated you like shit and by the time has passed your brain was storing all that
and thinks that all guys are like that and you dont trust him and cant express yourself.
Anxiety is also trusting issues so you get anxious because youre scared you will lose him so
you dont want to do anything wrong and so it goes on and on. Also your PTSD of your abuse
is another hard trust issue.

I hope this helped and keep trying!!
Marc

[Teafrenzy]

I don't have much new to offer and I am sorry for your situation. All I can say is this:

I am 43 years old and I have only recently become mentally ill. I ask myself "would I rather be young and mentally ill or 43 and just like my old self?".

Much as I hate my current condition, I'd have to answer with young and mentally ill. At least so long as my illness didn't get any worse.

You still have your entire life ahead of you. Hang in there. Newer medicines and drugs - safer and more effective are always being developed.

[gypsylee]

I don't have much new to offer and I am sorry for your situation. All I can say is this:

I am 43 years old and I have only recently become mentally ill. I ask myself "would I rather be young and mentally ill or 43 and just like my old self?".

Much as I hate my current condition, I'd have to answer with young and mentally ill. At least so long as my illness didn't get any worse.

You still have your entire life ahead of you. Hang in there. Newer medicines and drugs - safer and more effective are always being developed.

Hi there,

I'm 43 so this is interesting.. I've had anxiety my whole life pretty much. I'm not sure why you would choose to have it at a younger age? My mother is 75 and would never admit to being "mentally ill" but she's worse than I am in a lot of ways I think.. She just has these coping mechanisms that "protect" her from the anxiety.

Anyway, I hope you find it helpful here :)
Gypsy x

[Teafrenzy]

Hi there,

I'm 43 so this is interesting.. I've had anxiety my whole life pretty much. I'm not sure why you would choose to have it at a younger age? My mother is 75 and would never admit to being "mentally ill" but she's worse than I am in a lot of ways I think.. She just has these coping mechanisms that "protect" her from the anxiety.

Anyway, I hope you find it helpful here :)
Gypsy x

I think I was misunderstood.

I was just trying to play the old kid's game of "would you rather?"

Would you rather be 21 and have anxiety related mental illness or be 43 and have a clear mind?

I thought about this myself and despite the hell that is mental illness, I still think I'd prefer to be 21 as long as my anxiety and depression did not get worse.

Just trying to provide small comfort. She still has the blessing of being young. She doesn't need to worry much about real physical problems at her age.

[gypsylee]

I think I was misunderstood.

I was just trying to play the old kid's game of "would you rather?"

Would you rather be 21 and have anxiety related mental illness or be 43 and have a clear mind?

I thought about this myself and despite the hell that is mental illness, I still think I'd prefer to be 21 as long as my anxiety and depression did not get worse.

Just trying to provide small comfort. She still has the blessing of being young. She doesn't need to worry much about real physical problems at her age.

Oh I get you :)

[J. Ans]

I would search for sliding scale therapy and hopefully a sliding scale psychiatrist. I know that therapy (talk counseling) can be sliding scale, found more inexpensively, than psychiatrist. I think there are community mental health centers in many cities of every state, where they can help you out. I would try one of those. It doesn't have to be some fancy private practice psychiatrist, just a community mental health clinic, where you can be treated with medication and talk therapy. I would especially look for a therapist who can help someone with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I can't remember if you said that you had stopped drinking or not. Maybe going to AA (alcoholic anonymous) would help for that, if you are ready to stop drinking or have already stopped? Or some other type of anonymous group, al anon, if you grew up with alcoholics, or any type of 12 step program........or any type of support group would help. DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) has good meetings, you don't have to have their exact types of mental illness to attend. Just to be around others so that you realize that you are not alone.