Linda Marie
09-30-2016, 01:28 AM
My anxiety started about 4 years ago. My husband and I were organizing to travel overseas for his work and I was finishing up some financial business. I noticed I was feeling tense but did not think too much of it as there was a lot to do yet and only 2 days left before our flight. I had a full out panic attack while driving home. My heart was pounding, breathing rapidly and the thing that frightened me most was that I was twitching uncontrollably. If you have ever seen a sleeping dog chasing a rabbit – that was me. I pulled over into an empty parking lot and climbed into the back seat to lay down as I was sure I was going to pass out sitting up. After about 10 minutes (seemed like an hour) I got back in the front seat but was still shaking really back. I could feel my foot rattling against the car pedals. When I got home I did not say anything to my husband as I was embarrassed and I did not know how it would affect our trip as he had to be in Liberia in 2 days, I managed to put away the groceries without dropping anything and made an excuse to go lay down. Took perhaps an hour before it stopped. I had begun to take malaria medication (Mefloquine once a week) and some have reported serious side effects. I assumed it was the medication and got a prescription for a different medicine. That was great fun as I had to drive to 5 different Walgreens the next day to get enough for a year. However, I had no trouble driving all over town. Thought it was just a fluke and a reaction to the medication. I was OK then for about a year. Low level nervousness and stress but doing OK. One morning at work I had another attack sitting at my desk, I was sure I was going to faint and fall on the floor. I went into the Chief of Party’s office and laid down on a couch and then called to have my husband’s driver pick me up as driving myself would have need unsafe. I did not renew the contact for the job and left employment a couple of weeks later. How is that for anxiety affecting your life?. Serious stuff. I continued to have daily attacks but of much less severity. Once a month or so there would be a serious one. I became agoraphobic and taking out the trash was near impossible. I would clutch the shopping cart to keep from falling. Walking from the car to the store and back was a nightmare; even handing the money to the clerk was terrifying as my hands would be shaking uncontainable. Then I found a book by Claire Weeks and understood what was going on. It helped tremendously. After 2 years we returned to the US and there was some shaking but nothing I could not hide. Low level constant stress. About 4 months later we moved to Nairobi, Kenya where we have now been for about 2 years. Sometimes it was hard to put one foot in front of the other at stores, other times it was fine. I have noticed the last month that the anxiety is constant as I am tensed up. Even now has I type this my muscles are tensed. Then, last week we (my driver and I) got into a car accident; no one was hurt but the front of the car got crunched pretty good by a truck. I hate the roads here and the way people drive. I could do pages on that one but just suffice to say they drive was too fast on (to my American mind) on the wrong side of the road. We were going up a hill and the brakes on a huge heavily loaded truck failed and it rolled back into us. I got out and sat on the curb shaking very badly. Terrified. Back to low level stuff and kind of avoiding going out if I don’t need to. Yesterday I was at a shopping mall and had an attack. Had completed several errands in the mall and was making my last stop at a grocery store. Suddenly shaking and dizzy and afraid I would faint. I managed to get out of the store and around the corner was a guard sitting in front of a bank with an extra empty chair. Thank God for that as I was sure I would never make it back to the cars. After sitting for about 5 minutes I got back up on my wobbling legs with shaking hands and succeeded in walking to the car. Right now I am so tensed and afraid of another attack. Should probably go to the store again today before the week end but am too frightened. i know I am doing this to myself; I have been to that mall many times and nothing has ever happened. I startle very easily just the sound of a opening door makes me jump. Just now I tapping on my coffee cup while moving the mouse pad and felt an immediate flinch. Right, like the empty coffee cup is going to hurt me while sitting at my desk at home typing. I get so annoyed with myself for this sort of thing and that just makes me tense up more. Guess I need to make friends with my coffee cup as well as my anxiety. The Kenyans are very nice and always helpful and there is no danger in the malls. I just really needed to unload this so thanks for reading. I purchased the DARE book and am reading that currently. It helps but I just can’t seem to shake it. I know accept etc. and am trying but have had only partial success. I am too embarrassed to tell my husband or the people I know here. I feel like they would pity me and I don’t like that at all. My husband will go into full blown male protector mode of course. I don’t want to seem weak or ill. Once more thanks for letting me unburden here.