I have no path in front of me. Anxiety and depression is too much.

[anxious_fred]

I don't know what to do anymore... I have bad anxiety where the moment I wake up I'm fearful and anxious, before a thought can cross my mind. My chest is tense, feels like a lot of pressure on it. Happens every day. I lied in bed for two hours today until it subsided enough before I got up.

I also have pretty bad depression. I'll be driving and just start crying. I can't enjoy anything. I'm feeling extremely guilty because my 1 year old pup doesn't know what's going on. Why I don't want to romp around the backyard or go for walks. Normally we're out two times a day. I can't enjoy playing games with friends, or watching shows. I've lived with anxiety all my life. Depression since I was in my late teens.

The worst of it is I'm 33. I was in community college for over 10 years. I'm not even sure I have an AA degree there. I transfered to a 4 year college at 31. Couldn't make it a week and dropped out. Tried again next year and couldn't make it two weeks and dropped out. I'm done with school. I just can't do it.

But then I'm in a circular thought process. I've had it hammered in me that I need a degree to get a career. And I can't do that. It's so much torture for me. I know I can't. It's not for me. But then I have anxiety that I'm not going to be able to get a reasonable job. I live in CA, I don't want to leave my family to live somewhere cheaper, but I can't live making 30k a year or less like I have been.

Speaking of jobs, I quit my horrible job in June. Long story short, I wasn't treated with respect, my concerns about my safety were ignored (I drove a delivery van with a heavy load with no steel barrier separating me from the back. So a hard stop and product is flying in the cabin) and it wasn't a job that had a place to advance. Plus the work was mind numbing.

I've been living with my parents for years now. I was suppose to be going to school, but I can't. Now I'm just waiting around for something to happen, and I don't know what that is. For my anxiety and depression to go away? It hasn't. It may have even gotten worse with my circular thinking that I've already failed at life. I guess you could say I grew up in a middle class family. The thought of living hand to mouth, pay check to pay back scares me so much. The jobs I've had, retail, banking, delivery job, etc. All of them I've hated. I bring my anxiety, depression, and hate home when I work those jobs. It's a 24/7 nightmare.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm reaching out in guess in my rambling of some of my issues. I've considered contacting the suicide hotline to reach out and get help. I don't particularly want to kill myself but I don't want to be alive living like this either. I guess this is a step in a direction that I don't know where it will lead. I thought typing this out would give me another perspective. Maybe I'm casting a net out blindly hoping to catch the right answer.

Well. Thank you for reading. Maybe this helped someone else knowing there is someone else out there suffering.

Please ignore any spelling and grammar errors. I did this all on my phone.

[Anne1221]

I really think you need to see a therapist. It can be so helpful just to have someone to talk things out with. Even if you don't have money, there are clinics and places you can go. You can also just open up to your doctor the next time you see him/her. Talk to someone! Don't keep this all bottled up inside. There is help out there. Make a list of things you enjoy and maybe you can find a job doing something you like.

[Kirk]

I am very sorry you are feeling so poorly. I agree with what Anne1221 has advised you to do.

[gypsylee]

Hi there and welcome,

Well you've helped me because I had ANOTHER episode of panic this morning and I'm feeling pretty sick of it right now. I went to bed at around 2am actually feeling really good, but then I couldn't sleep and it turned into the same old thing where I just cannot fall asleep but I also can't bring myself to do anything else. I know I should and that insomnia is not going to kill me (I've been awake for a week before, coming off meds!) but I just get beside myself with frustration and anxiety. I ended up taking my Mogadon (benzo) and more than I'm meant to, so I'm going to have to make up for that..

I know exactly what it's like to just get SO sick of anxiety that you think about suicide. I've never actually attempted it but I've gotten to a point with my drinking that I just didn't care (and I did end up in hospital). I have a psychiatrist who I would say is one of the best out there and he's almost like a surrogate father to me, but in those hours when the anxiety is bad I just go berserk and still haven't found a solution other than taking pills.

Right now I feel quite ok (3pm) but the anxiety was pretty bad when I woke up. I don't even have to worry about work or money because I'm on a pension but I STILL get it. Overall I'd say I've improved and quitting the booze (apart from the occasional relapse) has helped a lot. I've also improved my living standard considerably. It's just these "fits" of anxiety that still floor me after decades of dealing with this *sigh*.

Anyway yes, reading that someone else is feeling like this (and being able to vent) helped, so thank you :)

Gypsy x

[superchick22684]

I agree with Anne 1221 about seeing a therapist. It can be quite helpful.

I also have to say that I can really relate to what your going through anxious_fred. I'm 32 years old and still live with my parents. I have a degree and a job but I'm working at a job that I strongly dislike just so that I can have the medical insurance. I've had depression since I was in my early teens and developed anxiety in college. I also feel like I'm sitting around waiting for something to happen whether that's getting the anxiety and depression to go away or for life to stop feeling like a drag.

I guess the point of my post is to say to you that you're not alone. I know that's not going to wave a magic wand over the situation and fix it but sometimes knowing someone else has the same/similar struggles makes the load feel a little lighter.

[rommom]

I applaud you for reaching out. I know that it is hard to open up about our most personal emotions. You're not alone and I believe that you can have much brighter days ahead. Have you considered being this transparent with your physician and request a referral for counseling? I am a firm believer that everyone was created for a purpose. I'll be praying that you get the help and counsel that you need so that you can begin to find your purpose and live that out to the fullest!

[Kirk]

I would try to volunteer at a place you feel comfortable and it would help occupy your mind from your concerning thoughts.
A side benefit may be that in some instances, volunteer work can lead to actual employment.

[Ponder]

Praying is not my specialty, I'm more into taking responsibility. To be sure you will find a good boost with plenty of well wishing in here, however nothing beats taking action for one's self.

Congratulations on reaching out. Good luck with your next step.

I suggest finding out what it is that you would like to do and ride with that. Look to create positive experiences ... no matter how small.

Keep up the good work. ;)