anxious_fred
09-26-2016, 11:54 AM
I don't know what to do anymore... I have bad anxiety where the moment I wake up I'm fearful and anxious, before a thought can cross my mind. My chest is tense, feels like a lot of pressure on it. Happens every day. I lied in bed for two hours today until it subsided enough before I got up.
I also have pretty bad depression. I'll be driving and just start crying. I can't enjoy anything. I'm feeling extremely guilty because my 1 year old pup doesn't know what's going on. Why I don't want to romp around the backyard or go for walks. Normally we're out two times a day. I can't enjoy playing games with friends, or watching shows. I've lived with anxiety all my life. Depression since I was in my late teens.
The worst of it is I'm 33. I was in community college for over 10 years. I'm not even sure I have an AA degree there. I transfered to a 4 year college at 31. Couldn't make it a week and dropped out. Tried again next year and couldn't make it two weeks and dropped out. I'm done with school. I just can't do it.
But then I'm in a circular thought process. I've had it hammered in me that I need a degree to get a career. And I can't do that. It's so much torture for me. I know I can't. It's not for me. But then I have anxiety that I'm not going to be able to get a reasonable job. I live in CA, I don't want to leave my family to live somewhere cheaper, but I can't live making 30k a year or less like I have been.
Speaking of jobs, I quit my horrible job in June. Long story short, I wasn't treated with respect, my concerns about my safety were ignored (I drove a delivery van with a heavy load with no steel barrier separating me from the back. So a hard stop and product is flying in the cabin) and it wasn't a job that had a place to advance. Plus the work was mind numbing.
I've been living with my parents for years now. I was suppose to be going to school, but I can't. Now I'm just waiting around for something to happen, and I don't know what that is. For my anxiety and depression to go away? It hasn't. It may have even gotten worse with my circular thinking that I've already failed at life. I guess you could say I grew up in a middle class family. The thought of living hand to mouth, pay check to pay back scares me so much. The jobs I've had, retail, banking, delivery job, etc. All of them I've hated. I bring my anxiety, depression, and hate home when I work those jobs. It's a 24/7 nightmare.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm reaching out in guess in my rambling of some of my issues. I've considered contacting the suicide hotline to reach out and get help. I don't particularly want to kill myself but I don't want to be alive living like this either. I guess this is a step in a direction that I don't know where it will lead. I thought typing this out would give me another perspective. Maybe I'm casting a net out blindly hoping to catch the right answer.
Well. Thank you for reading. Maybe this helped someone else knowing there is someone else out there suffering.
Please ignore any spelling and grammar errors. I did this all on my phone.
I also have pretty bad depression. I'll be driving and just start crying. I can't enjoy anything. I'm feeling extremely guilty because my 1 year old pup doesn't know what's going on. Why I don't want to romp around the backyard or go for walks. Normally we're out two times a day. I can't enjoy playing games with friends, or watching shows. I've lived with anxiety all my life. Depression since I was in my late teens.
The worst of it is I'm 33. I was in community college for over 10 years. I'm not even sure I have an AA degree there. I transfered to a 4 year college at 31. Couldn't make it a week and dropped out. Tried again next year and couldn't make it two weeks and dropped out. I'm done with school. I just can't do it.
But then I'm in a circular thought process. I've had it hammered in me that I need a degree to get a career. And I can't do that. It's so much torture for me. I know I can't. It's not for me. But then I have anxiety that I'm not going to be able to get a reasonable job. I live in CA, I don't want to leave my family to live somewhere cheaper, but I can't live making 30k a year or less like I have been.
Speaking of jobs, I quit my horrible job in June. Long story short, I wasn't treated with respect, my concerns about my safety were ignored (I drove a delivery van with a heavy load with no steel barrier separating me from the back. So a hard stop and product is flying in the cabin) and it wasn't a job that had a place to advance. Plus the work was mind numbing.
I've been living with my parents for years now. I was suppose to be going to school, but I can't. Now I'm just waiting around for something to happen, and I don't know what that is. For my anxiety and depression to go away? It hasn't. It may have even gotten worse with my circular thinking that I've already failed at life. I guess you could say I grew up in a middle class family. The thought of living hand to mouth, pay check to pay back scares me so much. The jobs I've had, retail, banking, delivery job, etc. All of them I've hated. I bring my anxiety, depression, and hate home when I work those jobs. It's a 24/7 nightmare.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm reaching out in guess in my rambling of some of my issues. I've considered contacting the suicide hotline to reach out and get help. I don't particularly want to kill myself but I don't want to be alive living like this either. I guess this is a step in a direction that I don't know where it will lead. I thought typing this out would give me another perspective. Maybe I'm casting a net out blindly hoping to catch the right answer.
Well. Thank you for reading. Maybe this helped someone else knowing there is someone else out there suffering.
Please ignore any spelling and grammar errors. I did this all on my phone.