blackfluid
09-26-2016, 10:53 AM
I used to feel euphoric all the time. It started to diminish a month back, and now it's kind of gone altogether. I really miss it. It was, of course, a really good feeling. It used to come whenever I listened to music that I really loved. It was this state of submersion...of emotional release. It felt amazing. I had been experiencing it for a couple of years. About...mmm...maybe 4-6. Something like that. I've always really loved music. Since I was a child. But when I got into high school (i am now 20) is when It really started to have an euphoric effect on me. I loved it. It started with a sad type of euphoria (because I was depressed) and once the depression began to diminish, it started to just feel like blissful euphoria. Now, It's kind of gone. I don't know if it'll be back, since it's only been about a month, but I feel like it wont. It makes me feel sad and disoriented, but it doesn't only have downsides. This euphoria also made me very reclusive. It made me feel alienated and very anxious. Now I feel anxious, but I think this anxiety is caused by the lack of euphoria, if that makes sense. The lack of it makes me feel anxious. I worry about it not coming back and obsess over it, and that makes me feel very anxious and uneasy. But other than that, I feel more peaceful. More connected to people. Less insecure, less concerned with other people, less jealous. I feel a peaceful type of happiness. It isn't as extreme, but it's more comfortable. It's a more soothing. I however, really wish to go back to the way things were. I don't know if this has anything to do, but lately I've been watching (had been watching) documentaries and videos that really really shocked and impacted me. Videos on the September 11 attacks, and other videos on life in prison. I was really shocked by these things that I watched, and I had an episode of I-really-don't-know-what after watching the prison documentary. It was something like a feeling of going insane. I just felt I had lost grasp of what is good and what is bad, and I felt like I was going crazy. It was at night, so when I woke up it had diminished. With the September 11 video, I watched a video of a man screaming in horror just before the tower went down and squashed him. It made me feel nauseous and really anxious. I dunno if these incidents have anything to do with how I'm feeling now :( This was about 1 1/2 weeks before. Previously to that, I had a mental breakdown. I cried a lot...I couldn't stop crying. I've had these before, but they usually involve screaming. This time it was just unstoppable crying. It didn't last super long. Maybe 10 minutes. It was caused by problems I have with my mother. She makes me feel responsible for her and for her feelings, and it has really taken a toll on me. I always feel guilty whenever she cries etc. So I kind of just exploded. I was just so tired. So I cried a lot. Now I feel empty. I dunno if that's related. A month back, before the horrific videos and the mental breakdown, I watched a very nice Korean series that I really loved. However, that made me lose interest on music, which is tragic because music is the love of my life :( But it happened. At first I didn't mind, but later it was really sad to me. It made me lose interest in music, but I still got the euphoric feeling watching the series and over other life things. Now I don't feel excited over music or anything else. I don't know. The only recent change I've made is that I've started learning Korean. It's fun. I like it. I kind of have take a break from it because I'm scared that it's contributing to my current state. I'm so scared I'll be stuck like this forever. I used to get a "high" listening to music, being out at night, while it rained...really just all the time. Just being alive made me feel excited. I miss it so so so much :( I am terrified. I want to go back so so so badly. I feel so numb. Maybe calmer, maybe a little clearer, but empty and borderline-emotionless.