Friend visiting soon causing major anxiety... :(

[dontbreakme]

Hi. I struggle a lot with anxiety issues and right now its very high. I have a friend who lives out of state who visits once a year and she's coming in less than a month for a 5 day visit. I wasn't sure if she was coming this year or not because she has a lot going on in her personal life and she didn't mention anything all year until last month when she informed me she was coming in october for 5 days. She never asked if the days were ok for me or not (not that she ever does really) she just informs me she's coming. And she will expect me to hang out with her all the time she's here. We've grown more distant especially over the last year. Some my fault from struggling with my depression and anxiety and some is hers. She's going through a divorce and has a new BF so she's distracted with that so we hardly talk ever. I send msgs here and there to say hi and hope shes doing ok but she never asks how I am anymore. When she told me she was coming she asked if she could bring her new BF. She's staying in a hotel so it's not like I can say no but I felt the dreaded ball of anxiety pop up as soon as she asked. I told her it was fine but I feel so awkward about it. I'm very introverted and will be even more so around someone I don't know at all. She's a complete opposite of me. Extroverted, likes going out, drinking etc. Sounds like he is too.

Honestly I was struggling enough with anxiety just at the thought of hanging with her right now but once she said he was coming I knew it was going to turn into something I didn't want to be a part of. She was talking about he likes the alcohol Fireball and how I was going to try it too. I don't like to drink much honestly and kept telling her no but she just laughs my replies off and says I will. Also she wants to go to the local amusement park we have here. She wanted to go last year but we couldn't bc she was injured. Well it'll be october so it will be "Fright night" so everything will be scary with halloween stuff all around. I don't like that kind of stuff even in the daytime. I startle very easily and I don't enjoy going to places like that at ALL. I told her all this and she just again laughs off my replies and says her BF will protect us. I keep telling her I'm not going and they can have a date that day and do the amusement park thing w/o me but she doesn't appear to really hear that I'm refusing to go and insists I will.

I feel like the whole time she's here is going to be a pressure ball of them trying to get me to do things I don't want to do. I'm so uncomfortable at the thought. I don't want to be drunk around some person I don't know. I don't want to hang out and be some third wheel either. I really don't want to meet him at all. But I'm terrible with boundaries and saying no. And with her because of her personality I don't feel heard when I do. It's hard. She's been a good friend and has been there during some very hard times for me previously but sometimes it's hard being her friend in return. To make things more difficult she's actually a psychologist. She's very aware of my issues and struggles with depression, anxiety and PTSD because she treats people with them every day.

I feel very trapped in my anxiety about all of this right now. I was in therapy for almost 2 years dealing with my "stuff" but that wrapped up in August and now I feel very lost. Does anyone else have experience in dealing with very pushy people? And not being good with boundaries? lol

[gypsylee]

Hi there,

I can totally relate to this because it's what my ex-husband does all the time. Not as in he comes to stay, but he will make plans for our daughter to stay with me and say she is bringing a friend or something. If I say no he makes out like I'm being selfish and neurotic. It's classic Narcissistic behaviour when people don't respect others' boundaries and SO anxiety-inducing. So I'm kind of surprised your friend acts like that when she's a psychologist and knows about your issues. I actually have to deal with this again in October, so you aren't the only one having anxiety because of pushy people!

All the best,
Gypsy x

[Anne1221]

I have the exact same problem. I can get talked into anything, even things I absolutely do not want to do. You just have to pick the things you REALLY don't want to do, such as getting drunk or going to the amusement park, and decide beforehand that you are not going to do them. Then summon up all of your courage and just say no. She will try and try but keep saying no. Finally she will get tired/bored of asking and go on her way without you. It's hard but so worth it if you really don't want to do something. As my therapist would say (I know him very well), "Who's the one being pushy? and "Why do you have to be drunk if she wants to be drunk?" and "What kind of friend is that you doesn't respect your wishes?" Good luck!

[sunandflowers]

Sorry to hear of the anxiety that you are experiencing. I am glad that you were able to get the help that you needed for different areas in your life. Perhaps some more visits would be helpful for you? I think that some of the ideas in the books about Boundaries by Henry Cloud may be helpful too. (I listened to the one on Boundaries in Marriage on audiobook.)
Like Anne was saying, you have to make a firm decision on your boundaries . I'm sure that it is easier said than done, but stick to the decision that you have made. If you don't fell like you can tell your friend no, perhaps you can plan some other activities that the three of you might enjoy (movies, rollerblading , etc. ) For me, sometimes it helps to have another person who can help me stick to the decisions (or boundaries) that I made.
I hope that it goes well for you.:)

[Dahila]

DBMe you will survive, it does cause the anxiety, at least I would be going crazy, 5 days, eh it is going to be tough. I hardly can take 3 hours with people, in social situation. Be strong. Try to set boundaries like sunandflowers said. I am old and now I refuse to do what people want me to do. I do not feel well and end of story:)) you probably still pretty young :)