TheOriginalFox
09-15-2016, 08:19 AM
Hi all. I've been lurking around the forums for a couple of days, and felt i needed to register and open up to, just, anyone about my issues.
Firstly, sorry for my very first post being a request for your time and help, and i apologize if it becomes lengthy.
I honestly don't know where to start, so i'll just type as things come to mind, sorry if it's unorganized or hard to read. I seem to be able to script things very well in my mind, but when it comes to speaking them out loud, or typing them, my mind goes instantly blank.
This began about 3 years ago, not long after i left my ex boyfriend of 5 years, today I'm 25 years old.
I struggle everyday now to simply leave the house. I put off going to work until 15 minutes before i have to start, because i dread having to be around other people. i feel like the outcast at work because i just quietly get on with my day in my own little world, while my colleagues are loud and leary all day.
My days off work are worse, especially when someone else happens to be home too. I feel completely trapped in my bedroom, uable to leave when someone else is in the house. The thought of leaving my bedroom makes my heart begin to flutter, and i have a deep feeling of fear in my stomach and chest, and i don't know why!
I have absolutely no friends today, besides 'acquaintances' from the past who i never speak to. I feel i have been out of contact with people for so long now, trying to re-connect would be awkward. Today, i just sit at home, in front of my PC killing time on youtube, or playing games alone.
My dream was always, and still is to be a streamer ..... The same way some people buy clothes too small to motivate them to work out, i do with my stuff. I built myself a very expensive gaming PC, Decorated my room to appear 'cool' hoping it will motivate me to actually interact with people and invite people over. When i do fire up a stream, i go to speak, open my mouth and not a single word comes out. My mind goes totally blank and i instantly stop broadcasting and go back to playing alone. Then i look at my room and what i have done to try and help myself and think "Who is this going to impress? NOBODY because you have no friends!"
Whenever my mum cooks a meal and has people over, i push myself to sit around the dinner table with others. I can sit there for a little while, until it seems like peoples voices get louder and louder until its un-bearable, while the room appears to shrink. I feel like i am going to scream, but have to just get up and go quietly back to my room and think about what a weirdo i must appear to people, and cant face them again because i'm scared of what they'll be thinking of me.
Whenever i see old friends organize an event on Facebook, i force myself to go, trying to break out of this fear. I generally get there and park up, but as soon as i can see there are people there, my heart races, it becomes difficult to breath, and i instantly turn around, get back in my car and leave, hoping nobody saw i was there.
These feelings make me want to cry, as i desperately want my old life back, but i cant even cry. I do want to have a good cry, but whenever i feel myself tear up, it turns to rage and anger.
One more example i want to add. I was house sitting for one of my mum's friends a few moths back as she thought it would be good for me to do it instead of her to get some alone time. They have a hot tub that i could use. It's very secluded and the neighbors can't see it. after getting into it, i sat there for about 5 minutes, unable to relax. I had the feeling that the neighbors were somehow staring at me and judging me. What was 5 minutes felt like an hour in there. I had to get out and go inside. It was impossible to breath, my heart was pounding until i had to lay down and literally passed out for a couple of hours. I guess this was a panic attack? They are becoming more frequent now.
It's getting so un-bearable, i now contemplate suicide, every day. I am obsessed with thinking about how i could do it, where i could do it and what preparations i would have to make before i go. I don't think i would, but i am constantly thinking about it.
i'm just so incredibly lonely. I cant bear to be around other people, i can't even ask for help from my brother or mother who i live with, and generally struggle with difficult tasks alone. the loneliness now is getting too much. I even try registering new accounts online, hiding behind a different username, knowing i am completely anonymous, but still i cant interact with people.
With spending so much time alone, my mind now is always racing. for no apparent reason, i hold conversations in my mind, or the most bizarre thoughts will spring to mind. I simply cannot ever switch off!
I have been to see my doctor, as soon as i mentioned the words 'i need to talk about anxiety and depression' he literally sighed, and said "do you just want anti-depressants?" I said no, i need help, but he continued to write me a prescription for Citrallopram and sent me on my way.
I try and talk to my mum and grandmother about it (Who are fantastic listeners, i don't know what i would do without them) but they always say either 'just snap out of it' or 'join a club' Both of which are impossible for me !
I just want to know why this has suddenly happened to me. Why have I gone from being a social butterfly, to a total hermit ?
I know this is very poorly written, and there i a tonne more i could add, but i don't want to waste your time. Simply doing this is overwhelming for me. my hands are shaking as i type, my heart is beating 10 to the dozen, and i cant think of anything to write. i'm going to go lie down now.
Thanks for simply taking the time.
Firstly, sorry for my very first post being a request for your time and help, and i apologize if it becomes lengthy.
I honestly don't know where to start, so i'll just type as things come to mind, sorry if it's unorganized or hard to read. I seem to be able to script things very well in my mind, but when it comes to speaking them out loud, or typing them, my mind goes instantly blank.
This began about 3 years ago, not long after i left my ex boyfriend of 5 years, today I'm 25 years old.
I struggle everyday now to simply leave the house. I put off going to work until 15 minutes before i have to start, because i dread having to be around other people. i feel like the outcast at work because i just quietly get on with my day in my own little world, while my colleagues are loud and leary all day.
My days off work are worse, especially when someone else happens to be home too. I feel completely trapped in my bedroom, uable to leave when someone else is in the house. The thought of leaving my bedroom makes my heart begin to flutter, and i have a deep feeling of fear in my stomach and chest, and i don't know why!
I have absolutely no friends today, besides 'acquaintances' from the past who i never speak to. I feel i have been out of contact with people for so long now, trying to re-connect would be awkward. Today, i just sit at home, in front of my PC killing time on youtube, or playing games alone.
My dream was always, and still is to be a streamer ..... The same way some people buy clothes too small to motivate them to work out, i do with my stuff. I built myself a very expensive gaming PC, Decorated my room to appear 'cool' hoping it will motivate me to actually interact with people and invite people over. When i do fire up a stream, i go to speak, open my mouth and not a single word comes out. My mind goes totally blank and i instantly stop broadcasting and go back to playing alone. Then i look at my room and what i have done to try and help myself and think "Who is this going to impress? NOBODY because you have no friends!"
Whenever my mum cooks a meal and has people over, i push myself to sit around the dinner table with others. I can sit there for a little while, until it seems like peoples voices get louder and louder until its un-bearable, while the room appears to shrink. I feel like i am going to scream, but have to just get up and go quietly back to my room and think about what a weirdo i must appear to people, and cant face them again because i'm scared of what they'll be thinking of me.
Whenever i see old friends organize an event on Facebook, i force myself to go, trying to break out of this fear. I generally get there and park up, but as soon as i can see there are people there, my heart races, it becomes difficult to breath, and i instantly turn around, get back in my car and leave, hoping nobody saw i was there.
These feelings make me want to cry, as i desperately want my old life back, but i cant even cry. I do want to have a good cry, but whenever i feel myself tear up, it turns to rage and anger.
One more example i want to add. I was house sitting for one of my mum's friends a few moths back as she thought it would be good for me to do it instead of her to get some alone time. They have a hot tub that i could use. It's very secluded and the neighbors can't see it. after getting into it, i sat there for about 5 minutes, unable to relax. I had the feeling that the neighbors were somehow staring at me and judging me. What was 5 minutes felt like an hour in there. I had to get out and go inside. It was impossible to breath, my heart was pounding until i had to lay down and literally passed out for a couple of hours. I guess this was a panic attack? They are becoming more frequent now.
It's getting so un-bearable, i now contemplate suicide, every day. I am obsessed with thinking about how i could do it, where i could do it and what preparations i would have to make before i go. I don't think i would, but i am constantly thinking about it.
i'm just so incredibly lonely. I cant bear to be around other people, i can't even ask for help from my brother or mother who i live with, and generally struggle with difficult tasks alone. the loneliness now is getting too much. I even try registering new accounts online, hiding behind a different username, knowing i am completely anonymous, but still i cant interact with people.
With spending so much time alone, my mind now is always racing. for no apparent reason, i hold conversations in my mind, or the most bizarre thoughts will spring to mind. I simply cannot ever switch off!
I have been to see my doctor, as soon as i mentioned the words 'i need to talk about anxiety and depression' he literally sighed, and said "do you just want anti-depressants?" I said no, i need help, but he continued to write me a prescription for Citrallopram and sent me on my way.
I try and talk to my mum and grandmother about it (Who are fantastic listeners, i don't know what i would do without them) but they always say either 'just snap out of it' or 'join a club' Both of which are impossible for me !
I just want to know why this has suddenly happened to me. Why have I gone from being a social butterfly, to a total hermit ?
I know this is very poorly written, and there i a tonne more i could add, but i don't want to waste your time. Simply doing this is overwhelming for me. my hands are shaking as i type, my heart is beating 10 to the dozen, and i cant think of anything to write. i'm going to go lie down now.
Thanks for simply taking the time.